1 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:14,380 ♪♪ 2 00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:17,716 ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪ 3 00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,718 ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪ 4 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,587 ♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪ 5 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:24,390 ♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ 6 00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,291 ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪ 7 00:00:26,293 --> 00:00:28,460 ♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪ 8 00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:31,096 ♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪ 9 00:00:31,098 --> 00:00:34,400 ♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ 10 00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:38,370 ♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪ 11 00:00:41,307 --> 00:00:42,307 [ Children yelling ] 12 00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:48,614 [Clattering] 13 00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:50,382 [ Yelling continues ] 14 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:51,650 This is an outrage! 15 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,719 This a violation of our human rights! 16 00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,254 Dude, what the hell is going on? 17 00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:56,555 You didn't hear the announcement? 18 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,690 They just canceled Columbus Day. 19 00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:00,225 We have to come to school on Monday! 20 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,727 They what?! 21 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,762 They can't do this! We made plans! 22 00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:05,597 Some asshole went and convinced the school board 23 00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:07,699 that Columbus Day is racist and should be eliminated. 24 00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:09,068 You can't take away a day off. 25 00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:10,702 We're just innocent children! 26 00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:13,539 Dude. What asshole would take away a holiday? 27 00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:15,374 My name is Peter Galtman. 28 00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:18,444 I am the head of the school calendar committee. 29 00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,112 I have decided the school 30 00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:21,814 will not celebrate Columbus Day this year. 31 00:01:21,816 --> 00:01:23,348 I realize this is 32 00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:24,416 a hot-button issue for many families, 33 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,285 but one parent in particular 34 00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:28,720 has really swayed my opinion with his passion -- 35 00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:30,856 Mr. Randy Marsh. 36 00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:33,192 Mr. Marsh pointed out to me the hypocrisy 37 00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:35,427 of glorifying a genocidal murderer. 38 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:38,430 And Mr. Marsh is, right now, also working 39 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:42,668 on having the Columbus statue taken down in Canyon City. 40 00:01:46,239 --> 00:01:47,439 Come on, everybody! 41 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,575 Let's take this fuckin' thing down! 42 00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:52,144 Yeah!! Yeah! 43 00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:53,245 Take it down! 44 00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:56,548 Columbus was a mass murderer! 45 00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:59,118 [ Chanting ]Tear it down! Tear it down! 46 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,152 Yeah! 47 00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:03,455 [ Grunting ] 48 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,791 Okay, it's not working. 49 00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:08,760 [ Grunts ] We almost got it, guys! 50 00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:10,562 Come on! Throw the rope, Stan! 51 00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:12,297 Good. That's good! 52 00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:13,799 Okay, hit the gas, Nelson! 53 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,302 We got it, everybody! 54 00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:18,704 To hell with you, Columbus, you -- 55 00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:20,305 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 56 00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:22,808 [ Crashes ] 57 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,610 ♪♪ 58 00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:26,578 [ Cellphone rings ] 59 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:27,880 Hey, dude. 60 00:02:27,882 --> 00:02:29,915 Dude, did you know it's your dad 61 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,850 who's getting the school to cancel Columbus Day? 62 00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:33,719 Yeah. Dude, I don't know what's going on. 63 00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,354 He's really serious about this. 64 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:36,755 Well, you got to do something. 65 00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:38,290 If you get him to back down, 66 00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:39,625 maybe the school will reconsider. 67 00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:40,826 I can't get him to back down. 68 00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:42,828 Stan, I have to deal with my mom 69 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,596 doing shit like this all the time, 70 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,765 but she's never tried to take away a holiday. 71 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,334 I'm your best friend, but I can't have your back 72 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:50,469 when the guys find out about this. 73 00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:51,637 I'll try, okay? 74 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:52,871 [ Door closes ] I got to go. 75 00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:54,606 Okay, Stan. you got your phone? 76 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,475 We need to call everyone on this list. 77 00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:58,210 They all live in the same city. 78 00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:00,546 Dad, listen, you need to ease off a little here, okay? 79 00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:02,781 Stan, it's not right that people celebrate a man 80 00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:04,183 who wiped out millions of people 81 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:06,318 for his own glory. Let's go. 82 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:09,621 Hello, is this, uh, Howard Peterson? 83 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:12,357 You live in Columbus, Ohio. Is that correct? 84 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,826 Yeah? You racist piece of shit. 85 00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:15,961 You heard me. 86 00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:17,462 You're an intolerant pig. 87 00:03:17,464 --> 00:03:19,331 Oh, you're not? 88 00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:21,300 You just choose to live in a city named for ethnic cleansing? 89 00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,768 No, fuck you. 90 00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:24,603 Rename your city, asshole. 91 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,305 Hello? 92 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,806 Okay, next one. Come on. Get calling, Stan. 93 00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:28,840 Dad, come on. 94 00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:30,375 We all get your point, 95 00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:31,843 but don't you think you're overdoing it? 96 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:33,679 You have to overdo it in today's society, Stan. 97 00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:35,747 You can't be nuanced and subtle anymore 98 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,849 or else critics go, "Wow, what was the point of that?" 99 00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,918 Hi, Francis Melman? 100 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,822 Hey! How are you, you fuckin' racist? 101 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,958 Reporter: Christopher Columbus -- 102 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,559 explorer, pioneer. 103 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,795 Is he someone who should be appreciated? 104 00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:52,331 Or was he just a douche? 105 00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:54,366 For years. Columbus Circle has been a landmark 106 00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:57,269 and photogenic intersection in New York City. 107 00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:58,904 So it came as a surprise 108 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:01,907 when someone defecated on the statue earlier today. 109 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,710 I'm joined now by the man who did the actual defecating, 110 00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:07,379 Mr. Randy Marsh of South Park, Colorado. 111 00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:08,914 Good evening! 112 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,250 Mr. Marsh, you took a dump on the beloved statue that 113 00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:12,751 has been an icon here in the city for years. 114 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,253 What was your reasoning? 115 00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:15,854 Well, I just have a problem 116 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:18,290 with the racist people of this city. 117 00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,025 "Yee-haw! I'm from New York. 118 00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:22,027 I drive around a big circle 119 00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:24,429 that celebrates a guy who murdered Native Americans. 120 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:26,398 Shoo wee!" 121 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,533 So, you're doing this because of indigenous peoples 122 00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,035 and their feelings? 123 00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,803 I don't care if people get indigenous. 124 00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,705 I'll crap all over their statues. 125 00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:36,842 I'm the one who's indigenous that this landmark even exists! 126 00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:40,379 Uh, uh... ba-back to you, Tom. 127 00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:45,284 [ Sniffles ] 128 00:04:45,286 --> 00:04:47,319 It ain't right. 129 00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:48,987 They make you work like a dog 130 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:51,390 and then just tear away your one day off in October 131 00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,325 like you're a piece of trash. 132 00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:54,559 Hey, guys. 133 00:04:54,561 --> 00:04:57,062 Boo! Boo! Nobody likes you, Stan. 134 00:04:57,064 --> 00:05:01,466 Look, I tried talking to him, all right? He's just really against all the things Columbus did. 135 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,368 Does anybody know what Columbus actually did? 136 00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:06,571 Yeah. In 1492, Columbus got us a day off school. 137 00:05:06,573 --> 00:05:07,906 That's what matters. 138 00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:09,641 No. No, wait, guys. Maybe that's it. 139 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,376 When I'm dealing with my mom, 140 00:05:11,378 --> 00:05:13,345 sometimes it works to be on her side for a minute. 141 00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:14,846 Maybe we should find out all the things 142 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,081 people find offensive about Columbus and -- 143 00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:17,416 And then totally act like we care. 144 00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:19,351 I like it, Kyle. 145 00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:20,752 I'll just look up "Columbus, offensive, inflammatory..." 146 00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,954 Yeah, this is sweet. 147 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:25,023 It's like that movie where the dude pretended to be on the monster's side. 148 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,658 You know, with the guy and the chick that had the wife beater on, 149 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:27,793 but her boobs were sweaty so you could see them. 150 00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:28,927 Oh, I love that movie! 151 00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:29,995 Yeah, this is a lot like that. 152 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,563 What'd you find, Kyle? 153 00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:32,798 Nothing. 154 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,000 Dang it! There's nothing? 155 00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,669 Stan, can I talk to you for a minute? 156 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:40,339 What? What? What the hell was that? 157 00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:43,675 Hey, Dad? 158 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,344 Not now, Stan. 159 00:05:45,346 --> 00:05:46,812 I'm working on a proposal 160 00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:48,847 to change British Colombia to just British. 161 00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:51,383 But, Dad, Kyle found a picture on Instagram. 162 00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,051 It pretty much looks like you 163 00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:55,554 dressed as Columbus at a Halloween party. 164 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:56,855 ♪♪ 165 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,390 Where did you get that? 166 00:05:58,392 --> 00:05:59,558 If you hate Columbus so much, 167 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:00,892 why'd you dress up like him? 168 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:03,028 Look, that was a long time ago. Okay? 169 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,930 Just a dumb Halloween costume. 170 00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:06,531 Yeah, but... here's you 171 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,033 dressed as Columbus at a formal dinner, 172 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:08,834 and here's you dressed as Columbus 173 00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,502 at a football game. 174 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,571 And you as Columbus on St. Patrick's day. 175 00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:15,774 Look, I was younger! We were all younger. 176 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,743 It was another time. 177 00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:21,012 You have to understand, it was 2013. 178 00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,515 Everyone was stoked on Columbus back then. 179 00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,817 Yeah, but, Dad, you seem to be really stoked on Columbus. 180 00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:28,019 If you guys found those pictures online, 181 00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:30,822 it's only a matter of time before everyone else does. 182 00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:33,024 People won't care about what I do now. 183 00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:34,726 They'll just see me 184 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,996 as a thoughtless, indigenous son of a bitch. 185 00:06:43,169 --> 00:06:46,071 Randy, do you mind cleaning out the garage like I asked? 186 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,672 What's the point, Sharon? 187 00:06:47,674 --> 00:06:49,574 Soon they're gonna be coming after me. 188 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:52,511 Ugh. 189 00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:54,413 Announcer: Hey, you! 190 00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:56,081 That's right, you! 191 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,884 Wouldn't you like to know the story of you? 192 00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:01,052 What makes you, you? 193 00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:03,054 DNAandMe is a genetic service 194 00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:04,856 that can help you find out 195 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,825 exactly who your ancestors were. 196 00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:08,593 You might be surprised. 197 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,829 I thought I was just a standard white guy. 198 00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,898 But DNAandMe showed 199 00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:16,635 that I'm actually 4.2% Cherokee Indian. 200 00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,804 Turns out I'm not totally white. 201 00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:21,873 I'm also part Northern Asian, and even some Kurdish! 202 00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:23,775 I'm a victim of oppression! 203 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,645 I used to get in trouble for always using the "N" word. 204 00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:30,816 But with DNAandMe, I found out that I'm 2.1% black! 205 00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:31,650 Morning, Steve. 206 00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:33,485 'Sup, nigga. 207 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:34,953 Announcer: The test is easy. 208 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,588 Simply swab the inside of your mouth 209 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,156 and send it in to our labs. 210 00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:40,459 People made fun of me for being French. 211 00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:43,094 DNAandMe showed I was 8% Navajo. 212 00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,763 Nobody's making fun of me now, 213 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,631 or my people, who were victims. 214 00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,567 I'm 13% victim! 215 00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:50,168 I'm 21% victim. 216 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,103 Announcer: Order now and find out 217 00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:54,573 if your friends should be more sympathetic towards you. 218 00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:57,609 DNAandMe. Are you in? 219 00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:59,644 Hell fuckin' yes, I'm in. 220 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,013 [ Indistinct chatter ] 221 00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:07,118 [ Chatter continues 222 00:08:13,025 --> 00:08:18,697 All right. Everyone's here. Let's do this. 223 00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:20,165 Here you go, just like I said. 224 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,701 $100 cash. No questions asked. 225 00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,135 Are we good? 226 00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:26,805 Good. No talking. Perfect. 227 00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:29,574 Okay. Let's get this over with. 228 00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:41,686 Thank you. 229 00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:44,089 Do not talk of this to anyone. 230 00:08:46,893 --> 00:08:49,528 All right, everybody! Hey, thanks for coming. 231 00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:50,896 If, uh, I can have your attention, please, 232 00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:52,831 I think we're ready to get started. 233 00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,232 Uh, Mr. Marsh, you know 234 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,800 none of this was really necessary. 235 00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:57,536 For DNAandMe testing, 236 00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:59,137 you can just swab the inside of your mouth yourself 237 00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,972 and send it in the mail. 238 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:03,041 Yeah, I know, but I just -- I was really excited about it, 239 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,210 wanted everyone to witness my test. 240 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,678 Well, to each their own, I suppose. 241 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,146 All right. Open wide. 242 00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:12,183 Ahh... 243 00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:13,852 Okay. I'll get this back to the lab 244 00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:15,587 and get the results to you as soon as possible. 245 00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:18,089 Okay, great. I'm very interested to see 246 00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:21,560 what those results have to say. 247 00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:26,064 [ Telephone rings ] 248 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,866 Galtman residence. 249 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,734 [Distorted] Listen to me carefully. 250 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,836 The man who convinced you to cancel Columbus Day 251 00:09:31,838 --> 00:09:33,138 is a fraud. 252 00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:34,773 Who is this? 253 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,741 You will go online and search Instagram 254 00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,843 for images of Randy Marsh. 255 00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:40,312 I most certainly will not. 256 00:09:40,314 --> 00:09:42,881 Randy Marsh is a hypocrite and a fake. 257 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,951 You will be taken down with him when he is exposed. 258 00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:46,885 What's he saying? 259 00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:48,320 Shh! Mprphph mhprphm! 260 00:09:48,322 --> 00:09:49,921 We know where you live, 261 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,923 and we know how to make you suffer. 262 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,059 Now you listen here, Mr. Man. 263 00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:55,327 The Galtmans do not believe 264 00:09:55,329 --> 00:09:57,195 in social media or the Internet. 265 00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,931 It's all fake news. Fake news. 266 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,000 Then speak with Marsh yourself. 267 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:05,236 The truth is out there. 268 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,705 Mrph. Rm rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm. 269 00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:09,040 Hmmm. Sounds like maybe the Galtmans 270 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,842 need to check out Randy Marsh. 271 00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,611 ♪♪ 272 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:18,350 ♪♪ 273 00:10:18,352 --> 00:10:20,752 Shelley, we've got an emergency! 274 00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,821 We're getting rid of all the Columbus stuff in this house! 275 00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:24,689 Any Columbus costumes, Columbus pictures -- 276 00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:26,024 They all got to go! 277 00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:28,159 I don't give a shit about Columbus. 278 00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:30,662 Sharon, Peter Galtman called. 279 00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:31,963 He sounds suspicious. We got to get rid 280 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,164 of all our Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups. 281 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,000 Where are they? 282 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:37,002 Your Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups 283 00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:38,703 are in that cupboard. 284 00:10:38,705 --> 00:10:41,840 Shot glasses, coffee cups, towels, plates -- 285 00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:44,175 What about the Columbus figurine salt and pepper shakers? 286 00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,711 I don't know where you put them, Randy. 287 00:10:46,713 --> 00:10:48,179 Sharon, do you know what they'll do to us 288 00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:50,348 when they find out how stoked we were on Columbus? 289 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:53,051 You were stoked on Columbus, Randy. Not me. 290 00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,152 Oh, really?! 291 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,987 Did you forget our wedding?! 292 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,789 That's you right there, 293 00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:59,324 standing there with a big smile on your face. 294 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:01,059 You didn't say anything about it 295 00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,394 being insensitive then, did you? 296 00:11:02,396 --> 00:11:04,095 I actually was a little upset 297 00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,697 that you dressed up as Columbus for our wedding, 298 00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:07,666 but I decided -- Oh, now! 299 00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:10,201 You say that now, 'cause everyone's freaking out. 300 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,704 But you were right there, going along with it! 301 00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:15,907 They're gonna be coming after you, too, Sharon! 302 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,043 So you can just wipe that indigenous look off your face. 303 00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,344 [ Doorbell rings ] 304 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,780 Oh! That could be my DNA results! 305 00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:23,982 Here, take this stuff out back! 306 00:11:31,891 --> 00:11:34,392 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. 307 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:38,363 I've never felt so alive until now. 308 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:41,433 Thank you. Lo-Lovely flowers. Thank you. 309 00:11:41,435 --> 00:11:44,169 [ Telephone rings ] 310 00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:46,104 Galtman residence. 311 00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:48,106 [Distorted] Listen carefully if you want to live. 312 00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:51,076 You will make this Monday a school holiday. 313 00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:54,212 I spoke with Mr. Marsh, and he denied any wrong doing. 314 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,346 Of course he did! 315 00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:57,115 That's what liars do! 316 00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,917 I don't think you're being intimidating enough. 317 00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:01,786 Yeah, get meaner, Kenny. Meaner like how, dude? 318 00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:04,723 CARTMAN: [Distorted] I don't know, like -- like maybe say -- Like talk about cutting off his dick or something. 319 00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,391 We're gonna cut off your dick! 320 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:10,061 Kyle: [Distorted] No, dude. That's too far. Okay, okay, just say we're gonna cut off part of his dick. 321 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,262 Just give me the phone. 322 00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:14,966 Hello? What? Randy Marsh is about to pay for what he's done. 323 00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:16,367 Protect him and you will pay, too. 324 00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:18,937 Time is running out. 325 00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:20,038 [ Normal voice ] Jesus! 326 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:24,309 Sharon, have you seen my Columbus staff and orb? 327 00:12:24,311 --> 00:12:26,144 I have not. 328 00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:27,879 Sharon, Galtman called again. 329 00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:29,848 Somebody is out there trying to get me in trouble. 330 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,183 Randy, why don't you just admit to people 331 00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,452 that maybe you were somewhat overly excited 332 00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:37,122 about Columbus in the past. 333 00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:39,424 Everyone was excited about Columbus! 334 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,860 For some reason, people are just pointing fingers at me. 335 00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,828 Just because he's suddenly not cool now 336 00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:46,397 doesn't mean I'm gonna be the F'ing scapegoat! 337 00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:51,436 I got to burn this stuff. 338 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,438 Oh, God damn it. 339 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:57,842 I wrote you a song to express my feelings for you. 340 00:12:57,844 --> 00:12:59,043 Will you get out of here?! 341 00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:04,115 [ Vocalizing ] 342 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:07,485 ♪ And then he kissed me ♪ 343 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,087 I didn't kiss you 'cause I like you. 344 00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:13,024 [ Vocalizing ] 345 00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:16,161 ♪ And then he kissed me ♪ 346 00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:17,796 Okay, okay. 347 00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,831 [ Vocalizing ] 348 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,967 ♪ And the sun began to shine ♪ 349 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,203 That's it. Get off my property! 350 00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:27,238 Randy, I cannot quit you. 351 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,941 Get off my land, you piece of shit! 352 00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:37,448 Don't post that. 353 00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:43,955 Do not...post that. 354 00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:44,889 Shit! 355 00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:50,328 Guys, what are you doing? 356 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,996 It's over, Eric. 357 00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:53,531 We have to come to school on Monday. 358 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,166 Just face it. 359 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,001 I'm not facing anything. We still have time. 360 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:58,503 There has to be a way we can -- 361 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,038 Dude, there's nothing we can do, all right? 362 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,874 Oh, okay. I see. 363 00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:05,076 Is that what Columbus did? Just give up? 364 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:08,146 On his dream? No. 365 00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:10,949 Columbus believed that kids should have a day off school. 366 00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:13,284 And even when his own country wouldn't support his cause, 367 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,587 Columbus said, "Fine. I'll go find a new land 368 00:14:15,589 --> 00:14:17,322 where kids can have that day off." 369 00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:18,923 Eric, just let it go. 370 00:14:18,925 --> 00:14:21,192 And when Columbus sailed to distant places 371 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,894 only to find people already there 372 00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,562 who said, "No! Stay off our land! 373 00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,631 We want our kids to have to go to school!" 374 00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,933 He said, "No! It's just one day in October. 375 00:14:28,935 --> 00:14:30,468 They need a break!" 376 00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:33,238 You guys can all give up, but I'm not. 377 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:38,309 Because in 1492, Columbus got us all a day off school. 378 00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:40,612 With just three ships, he sailed over 379 00:14:40,614 --> 00:14:44,549 so we could have some 'me time' in October. 380 00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:47,018 And, yes, millions were slaughtered and throats were cut. 381 00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:49,220 But if we don't get that day off school, 382 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:53,191 then for what? 383 00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:54,659 Come on, guys. 384 00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:55,994 There's something else we can try. 385 00:14:58,197 --> 00:15:01,432 [ Urinating ] 386 00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,334 Sharon, good news! What?! 387 00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:05,136 The people from the DNA test called! 388 00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:06,471 They're on their way over. You want to come down? 389 00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:08,172 I'm doing something. 390 00:15:08,174 --> 00:15:09,641 You sure? 391 00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:11,209 These results could be really interesting. 392 00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:15,079 Oh, God damn it! What the hell do you want? 393 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:18,149 I want you to stop running from yourself. 394 00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:19,951 We could be so happy. 395 00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:20,985 [ Doorbell rings ] 396 00:15:20,987 --> 00:15:22,687 Crap, it's them! 397 00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:24,589 Just a second! Be right there! Thanks! 398 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:26,491 Get over here! 399 00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,660 I don't have any feelings for you. Do you understand? 400 00:15:28,662 --> 00:15:31,095 But, Randy, what about the -- 401 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:33,631 No! No buts! There's nothing here. 402 00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:37,068 I'm not in love with you, got it?! 403 00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,436 Yes. 404 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,438 Yes, I understand. 405 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,007 Good. Now leave. 406 00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:48,446 Hi. Sorry. You guys have my results? 407 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,381 Well, Mr. Marsh, we came because 408 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:53,384 there was an irregularity with your test. 409 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:55,219 What, you found something there you didn't expect to find? 410 00:15:55,221 --> 00:15:56,521 What is it? 411 00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,189 Well, it's just a little too odd. 412 00:15:58,191 --> 00:15:59,691 We need to do the test again. 413 00:15:59,693 --> 00:16:01,326 Do it again? That's not fair. 414 00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:02,627 Mr. Marsh, please, 415 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,128 if we could just have one more sample. 416 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,463 We want to be absolutely sure 417 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:06,497 of what we found. 418 00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,366 Uh...okay, no problem. 419 00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:11,703 Give me -- Give me one sec. I'll be right back. 420 00:16:11,705 --> 00:16:14,472 Wait! Wait! 421 00:16:22,681 --> 00:16:24,716 Okay. Okay. All set. Let's do this. 422 00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:26,517 Ahh! 423 00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:29,253 Mr. Marsh, we were hoping to do a more precise test. 424 00:16:29,255 --> 00:16:31,055 It's better for harder cases like this, 425 00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:34,726 but it is an anal swab this time. 426 00:16:34,728 --> 00:16:36,594 An anal swab? 427 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:40,164 Give me.. tw-- three minutes. 428 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,066 [ Whispering ] Hey, where'd you go? 429 00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:43,301 Mr. Marsh, we're in a bit of a hurry 430 00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:44,635 if you don't mind. 431 00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:47,472 [ Normal voice ] Oh. Oh, shit. 432 00:16:57,049 --> 00:16:59,484 All right, it's clear. Bring him in. 433 00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:00,785 Move your ass, Galtman! 434 00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,387 This is a violation of my rights. 435 00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,022 Just shut up and watch 436 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,490 what someone posted on their Instagram! 437 00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:07,492 I most certainly will not! 438 00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:09,761 If you want me to look at the Internet, I will die first. 439 00:17:09,763 --> 00:17:11,062 It's fake news. 440 00:17:11,064 --> 00:17:14,632 That's why we had it transferred to VHS. 441 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:15,666 Oh. VHS is fine. 442 00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:17,402 Take off his blindfold. 443 00:17:19,304 --> 00:17:21,806 Get off my land, you piece of shit! 444 00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:25,476 Don't post that. 445 00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:26,778 Hmm. 446 00:17:42,194 --> 00:17:44,095 Oh, Mr. Marsh. 447 00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:47,365 Oh, hey! How are you? 448 00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:50,234 Good. What are you up to? 449 00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:53,137 Chillin', chillin'. 450 00:17:53,139 --> 00:17:56,407 Well, uh, we did get your DNA results back this morning. 451 00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:57,742 Would you like to go over them? 452 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,644 Oh, you did? Oh, great. 453 00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:01,813 Sure. Why not? I'm here. 454 00:18:01,815 --> 00:18:03,714 Let's, uh... Let's do that. 455 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,283 Man: All right, Mr. Marsh, 456 00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,085 here's your DNAandMe portfolio. 457 00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:09,287 This shows that we actually found 458 00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:11,789 a mix of a few things in your regional ancestry. 459 00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:14,358 Really? Like Native American?! Like -- Like a little bit?! 460 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,260 No, we didn't find any trace 461 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,396 of any Native American DNA in your test... 462 00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,431 Nuts. 463 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,266 But as you can see here, we found 464 00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:24,435 that you're about 43% Northern European, 465 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:26,270 37% Mediterranean, 466 00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:28,639 and 18% Southwest Asian. 467 00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,442 In fact, your genetic profile most closely matches... 468 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,578 your standard Caucasian British person. 469 00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,146 [ Sighs ] 470 00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:36,714 And you might be interested to know 471 00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:39,884 that you are actually 2.8 % Neanderthal, 472 00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:41,219 which is fairly high. 473 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:42,386 Neanderthal? 474 00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:43,788 What the hell is that about? 475 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,756 Well, the Neanderthals were actually a species 476 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,458 that was wiped out by homo sapiens. 477 00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:50,361 Wiped out... all of my people? 478 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,330 Yes, but you see, because of some cross breeding, 479 00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:54,432 some people like you still possess 480 00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:55,433 Neanderthal DNA. 481 00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:56,634 Isn't that interesting? 482 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,470 Cross breeding? You mean rape. 483 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,839 You're telling me that my ancestors 484 00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:04,509 were raped and then eradicated by you -- 485 00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:07,178 you maniacs?! 486 00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:09,280 The Earth wasn't big enough for Neanderthals, 487 00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:11,816 So your ancestors just got rid of them, huh?! 488 00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:15,186 Well, to hell with all of you! 489 00:19:24,796 --> 00:19:27,798 Well, well. Mr. Marsh. 490 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,367 I'd like to have a word, please. 491 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,672 You find this funny, Galtman?! 492 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,374 What'd I do? 493 00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:37,775 Nobody had the guts 494 00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:39,777 to tell me what happened to my people, huh? 495 00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,646 Get the hell out of here! 496 00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:44,815 I brought my parents over so you could meet them. 497 00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:47,652 Oh, God! 498 00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:48,953 Don't worry. 499 00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:52,390 My parents are very okay and cool with us. 500 00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,192 Who the hell is that? 501 00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,627 Yeah, sure, everyone gang up on the Neanderthal! 502 00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:57,828 Isn't it funny?! 503 00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:00,698 Randy, you must face who you are. 504 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,201 Stop pretending, Randy. 505 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:07,505 For once, just allow yourself to feel. 506 00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:09,907 [ Sighs ] 507 00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:13,611 You're right. You're right. 508 00:20:13,613 --> 00:20:17,515 It's only now, when everyone's being so indigenous to me, 509 00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:21,419 That I realize how indigenous I've been acting all along. 510 00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:24,689 I thought being a victim would solve all my problems. 511 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:27,391 But being a victim has a downside, too. 512 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,361 Mr. Galtman, I haven't been honest. 513 00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:34,599 It's time for us all to be honest. 514 00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:37,868 What is a holiday? 515 00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:41,272 It's a day off work, yes, a day off school. 516 00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:45,243 But holidays are also meant to be a time to reflect. 517 00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:47,845 Today, I'm happy to announce 518 00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:49,680 that the school calendar committee 519 00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:51,682 is reinstating the day off. 520 00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:53,584 [ Cheers and applause ] 521 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:56,420 But instead of glorifying anyone, 522 00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:58,389 let us make it a holiday 523 00:20:58,391 --> 00:21:01,492 about the negative feelings that we all sometimes feel, 524 00:21:01,494 --> 00:21:04,562 say what we're really thinking so we can move on. 525 00:21:04,564 --> 00:21:06,664 And so, the second Monday of October 526 00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:08,599 will still be a holiday. 527 00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,368 But instead of Columbus Day, 528 00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:11,869 it will be for ripping on each other 529 00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:13,571 and tearing each other down, 530 00:21:13,573 --> 00:21:16,474 and we will call it Indigenous Peoples Day. 531 00:21:16,476 --> 00:21:19,477 For, perhaps, if we all do it at the same time, 532 00:21:19,479 --> 00:21:22,446 we won't be so indigenous the rest of the year. 533 00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:25,316 And since this is the second Monday of October, 534 00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:27,618 let's all embrace the new meaning of the holiday 535 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:28,853 starting right now. 536 00:21:28,855 --> 00:21:30,488 Do you even know 537 00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,290 what indigenous means, you frickin' idiot? 538 00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:33,824 That's the spirit, Dave! Come on! 539 00:21:33,826 --> 00:21:34,925 Everybody, let's just all be totally indigenous! 540 00:21:34,927 --> 00:21:36,661 Come on! 541 00:21:36,663 --> 00:21:39,463 Who the hell let this guy talk to the school counsel? 542 00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:41,332 Good one, Kurt. Your wife's a whore. 543 00:21:41,334 --> 00:21:42,667 Come on, everyone! 544 00:21:42,669 --> 00:21:44,468 Indigenous Peoples Day! Let's go for it! 545 00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:46,470 Woman: Shut up, and get off the podium! 546 00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,639 Okay. I will in a second, fatso. 547 00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:49,940 All right. Who else? 548 00:21:49,942 --> 00:21:51,676 Come on! Get it out of your system! 549 00:21:51,678 --> 00:21:53,511 Happy Indigenous Peoples Day, everyone. 550 00:21:53,513 --> 00:21:54,478 Suck my asshole. 551 00:21:55,380 --> 00:21:57,615 Randy, I cannot quit you. 552 00:21:57,617 --> 00:22:00,084 Get off my land, you piece of shit! 553 00:22:06,358 --> 00:22:07,491 Don't post that.