-[boy grunts] -[phone dings]
Hold all my calls.
-[giggling] -[lullaby plays]
♪ Boss Baby ♪
♪ I'm the Boss, Boss Baby, boss, boss Boss Baby, boss, boss ♪
♪ Watch a itty-bitty kid get large ♪
♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪
♪ Stroller rolling Up and down the boulevard ♪
♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪
♪ I run this house, I rule this crib ♪
♪ Change my diaper, son Where's my bib? ♪
♪ Don't pacify You just got to pay me ♪
-♪ Who's in charge? ♪ -♪ Me, the Boss Baby ♪
-[shouts gibberish, panting] -Uh...
[shouting gibberish]
Templeton, slow down! I need actual words.
[shouts gibberish, echoes]
[shouting gibberish]
Maybe he's choking on snacks.
Oh, I could do the Heimlich maneuver.
-You know how to do the Heimlich? -I know the baby version.
Dada!
[coughing, groaning]
I will nap so well knowing I saved a choker's life today.
I'm not choking. I'm just excited!
Oh, hey, we're intelligible. What's the good news?
Okay, so, I took my first test at school today...
Oh, performance metrics.
I approve. And?
I got a B-plus!
-You got a B-plus? -[slurs] I got a B-plus!
With those grades and a rich uncle with legacy connections,
you could get into any college in the world!
This calls for a celebration!
[festive music playing]
[babies cheering]
[gasps]
-[thuds] -[Buskie laughs]
[babies cry]
[tires screech]
-[door opens] -[bell jingles]
-[distorted lullaby plays] -[Mrs. Kurdt] Sign in.
[preek babbling]
Honey, shush!
-I need throw up! -Honey, shush!
So, this is where my doom finds me.
-In the offices of Dr. Kevin, MD. -[bone cracks]
-Gah! -Can I say I'm sorry again?
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
You can knock me out of a tree if you want.
Eh, maybe later.
For now, I'd accept a scouting report. You've been here before.
What am I in for, besides roving bands of contagious preeks
and off-brand magazines from 1952?
Apple-Cheeked Dandy Lad?
-Put it down! -Oh!
Somebody already filled in all the mazes and word puzzles... wrongly.
-In pen. -Barbarians.
You don't know how serious this is.
Right now, you're just in the waiting room.
The real horror? It lives behind that door.
[whispers] And it knows your name.
[Mrs. Kurdt] Templeton.
[both] Aah!
[Dad] Ooh, quick service today.
[suspenseful music playing]
-[fabric rips] -[yelping]
[Boss] Dah! [grunts]
Ooh, cold!
-[grunting] -[machine whirring]
[x-ray clicks]
[Boss panting]
-[Mrs. Kurdt] Sit. -Okeydoke.
[panting continues]
Aw, don't you worry, buddy.
Dr. Kevin's gonna fix your owies real good.
-[footsteps approach] -[gasps]
[footsteps continue]
[door hinges creak]
Cursed be this day and all the fates that brought me here.
[honks]
The man's a comedian.
Sorry I'm running late. Had a walk-in.
Some kid swallowed a pen.
Oh, that's terrible.
I told him, "Be right with you.
Just sit down and write your name."
Pss-oh!
Oh! [laughs]
That's terrible.
-[honks] -[yelps]
Kidding! [laughs]
I love jokes.
Friend, Roman, babyman, lend me your ear.
Bloop!
Just looking for spider eggs, huh?
Kidding! [laughs]
The spiders probably hatched by now.
Oh! Kidding! [laughs]
Ah, no infection.
[in Cockney accent] 'Ear 'ear, that calls for a celebration!
-[electronic burp] -[Dad laughs]
Ah, I love the burp box.
A-yep, looks like baby oopsied his way into a distal radial fracture.
Pfft! Doctor talk.
Back up. [imitates truck beeping]
Let's explain that in a way that everybody can understand and enjoy.
-Huh? -[Dr. Kevin] "Oh, Dr. Kevin, Dr. Kevin!
My arm bone hurts real bad!"
Well, goodness, Ossie, I believe you've broken your wrist.
"Oh, broken wrist?
But, Dr. Kevin, will I ever be able to play the ukulele again?"
Why, Ossie, you'll be the king of the luau!
♪ A-hula, hula, hula, hula, hula ♪
See? You're gonna be good as new.
-[chuckles] You bet you are! -[door opens]
Mrs. Kurdt is gonna wrap this up with a snazzy plaster cast.
And for being such a good boy, I think someone deserves a balloon.
-Ow! -Kidding! [laughs]
-You needed a tetanus booster. -Lollipop?
[Dr. Kevin] Yerp! The reds are mine. [chuckles]
Y'all come back real soon!
Kidding! [laughs]
Stay safe.
[Boss] It was horrendous!
I'm sitting there-- Whoa!
What are you doing?
For safety. I don't want you getting hurt again.
Uh, thank you.
-Noted, but I'm fine-- Oh! [groan] -[gasps]
I'm sorry! Let me get an ice pack!
[groans] So, anyway, I'm sitting there with a class-four boo-boo,
and Dr. Kevin decides to lead with a joke.
[babbles]
Exactly! "Sit down and write your name."
-Does he tell the same stupid joke every-- -[babbles]
Yes, spider eggs!
-Why would you put that image in my-- -[babbling]
Oh, you better believe he broke out the burp box.
[scoffs] Everyone knows bottom belches are funnier than mouth ones.
-[babbles, imitates explosion] -Right in my face,
while his bog-witch nurse snuck a needle in my arm.
-Who does that? -[lullaby playing]
-Babies hate surprises! -[screams]
Exactly!
Wait, wait, wait!
[laughs] This is it!
This is how we make a huge splash at Baby Corp and win back my job!
I can't believe I didn't spot the opportunity years ago.
If you want to boost baby love, just make babies happy.
And where are babies the most unhappy?
The doctor's office!
Needles, elevator music, cold scales!
And especially that would-be funnyman Dr. Kevin!
We're going to overhaul the entire pediatric experience.
Baby love will skyrocket, launching me all the way back to the big leagues!
-Come on, let's-- Ow! -Ice pack!
Sorry! I have an ice pack!
And I have a mission.
And I will keep you safe on that mission.
-So just stop and I'll-- -Aah!
-I'm sorry! -[Boss growls]
Stop helping!
[shouts, panting]
Hey!
-Let me... [grunts] help you! -Aah!
Whoa! [grunting] Ow! Aah!
-Ow! Oh! Ow! [grunts] Ow! -[thudding]
[bone cracks]
[tries screech]
-[bell jingles] -Hi again.
-Sign in. -[distorted lullaby plays]
I like, like, the skin, like, and the juice coming out of it,
'cause I want other people to think that it's a dog so they can eat it.
[coughs, screaming]
I'm so sorry.
[sighs] Apology accepted.
Accidents happen.
Repeatedly.
At my expense.
-I don't know what's wrong with me! -Oof! Ow!
[gasps] Sorry!
I don't know either, but for my own physical and psychological well-being,
you need to go figure it out.
It's good you came to me.
-Um, this is my house. -Indeed.
Now, let's divine the nature of your misfortune
with book learning!
On the night of your birth, did your parents accept a boon
offered by a mysterious traveler, but with a cost?
I assume they would have told me.
Have you offended any woodland creatures who might hold ancient and dire magicks?
You're the one who whips quarters at squirrels.
Bro, that's between me and the squirrels.
Don't try to make this about me.
Better stockpile some snack rations.
We're gonna be here a while.
And you are sure you never farted on a black cat under a blood moon?
-Why would I-- -Why anything, Tim?
It's magic!
No! I am positive I didn't.
Maybe I'm just having an unlucky streak.
What?
Do you still have that lucky pencil my dad sold you?
From the secret Army base where they study luckular technology?
Yeah, it's right here.
[sniffs]
Have you used it for any unholy or barbaric purposes?
Uh...
[Mega Fat shouts]
[crackling]
...uh...
M-Maybe?
But the robot kangaroo sort of had it coming.
Bro, there's no kangaroo justification clause.
You misused an item of fortune.
You caused a "luckular reflux."
The lucky pencil stopped working?
Oh, it works... backwards.
Why do you think you keep hurting your brother?
That pencil turned on you.
It's bad luck now.
And if you're gonna break this curse, you need to get rid of it.
[shouts]
Aah!
[laughs] That pencil hates you.
-[babies babbling] -[Boss] Game plan!
Thanks to my, uh, unexpected second medical emergency,
I was able to scout out every aspect of Dr. Kevin's office
that needs a baby-friendly revamp.
I've prepared an itemized list with priority actionables in--
[babies babbling, shouting]
[Boss groans] I'll have Mega Fat draw pictures.
[laughs] Oh, you know I'm down for coloring! What?
[Boss] The more important thing is that.
[Jarreau babbles]
[Tim and Danny grunting]
I'm not getting any hits! Are you?
[groans] It must have some kind of protective force field!
Uh, no.
That, over there.
After two doctor visits in one day,
parental guilt at my house is up 82 percent.
When mommies and daddies feel like awful parents,
that's bad for baby love.
[babbling]
No, we're still going to overhaul Dr. Kevin's office.
We just need a new approach.
You ever toss bread to the duckies at the pond?
Of course you have!
And do the duckies swallow a whole slice at once?
No. They nibble.
And that's exactly what we're going to do.
You fake sick or injured, you get taken to Dr. Kevin,
you fix just one small thing in that office,
and then it's someone else's turn.
Every baby does their part, and no one mommy and/or daddy
is left feeling too guilty.
Nibble-nibble, quack-quack, poof!
All gone, bread.
-[babbles] -[Boss] Uh, metaphor.
We're wiping out Dr. Kevin's egregious buffoonery.
[babbles]
No, I don't have actual bread. Now, who's up first?
Quiet Psycho Baby?
We'll come back to you. Any volunteers?
[babies babbling]
It's actually helped me a lot.
-Um-- [gasps] -[sneezes]
-Oh! -Ooh, I think Taffeta's got bronchitis!
[Mrs. Kurdt] Sign in.
What happened to my Big Book of 1001 Doctor Jokes?
The pages are all gunked up!
[coos, giggles]
What kind of cruddy library has zero books on cursed pencil destruction?
Your bravery inspires us all, Jarreau McIntosh.
-[parents gasping, shouting] -[librarian] Shh!
[tries screech]
-[bell jingles] -Sign in.
[distorted lullaby playing]
[needle scratches record]
[hard rock music playing]
[preek 2 babbles, grunts]
Mega Fat, you're up.
Fake chicken pox or real diaper rash?
Ooh, surprise me. [coughs]
Oh, pardon me. I swallowed some spit. [yelps]
To the pediatric ward!
-[tires screech] -[bell jingles]
Please write on your charts that I am a devoted mother.
Everything in the house is Bubbeezee-certified,
so you know I'm doing this right, heh.
Have you considered any of their products for your home or office?
I am an authorized distributor.
Mm, toasty.
How's the parental guilt, Stace?
Any red flags?
Hmm, I'd back off Krinkle.
One doctor visit already freaked her out pretty hardcore.
My mommy lady loves me the most! I win!
Congratulations!
-Great job! [yelps] -Aah!
Other than that, keep spreading the doctor visits around the playgroup,
and no parent should get too stressed.
Maybe give Tim a turn.
-He's otherwise occupied. -Timbo!
Got a surprise for you!
You accidentally dropped your pencil in the garbage.
Lucky I found it, huh?
-[Tim screams] -I love this plan, BB!
Got a feeling we'll see you back here real soon.
Bet on it. Thanks, Stace.
Who's up? Quiet Psycho Baby?
We'll circle back later.
-Dakota? -[Dakota shouts]
[grunts]
[crying]
[Doug] Meemaw! Meemaw!
Dakota's got the night terrors!
I'll fetch the ipecac.
[siren wails]
[Mrs. Kurdt groans]
No infection, so those screamy-dreamies aren't fever related.
Oh, that's a relief.
[in Cockney accent] 'Ear 'ear, that calls for a celebration!
Huh.
-Must have misplaced the ol' burp box. -[Dakota] Mine.
[Shover's mom] You know what I'm saying. It's good to get another perspective.
I just-- It's nice.
It makes me-- Hmm?
Aegi, where's your will to thrive?
-[grunting] -[babbling]
-Scooter? -[babbles]
Aah! Hysterical blindness!
Oh, no!
Again?
-[tires screech] -[bell jingles]
Help me, help me, help me! I ate too much sweets!
Help me, help me! I ate me too much sweets.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
-Okay, I'm on a beach in Montego. -[preek babbling]
-[Scooter shouts] -[preek laughs]
Somebody got me a birthday!
-One-a, two... -Huh?
-One, two, three, four. -[toy squeaking]
Love the remodel, Mrs. Kurdt!
[groans]
-[squeals] -Aah!
"From Tim Templeton.
To...?"
"The moon."
[grunts]
[Tim] Whoa!
-You think one stamp is enough? -Doesn't matter.
If you write it, the law says they have to take it there.
-[Danny] Yeah! -[Tim] Yes!
[mailman] Return to sender! [grunts]
[Tim screams]
I'll see you in prison, maildude!
I hate you, pencil!
[shouts]
[screams]
-[tires screech] -[bell jingles]
When you tell Dr. Kevin the story, don't mention
the cursed, magic, bad luck pencil you can't get rid of.
He already must think we're the world's worst parents.
-[door opens] -[Mrs. Kurdt] Templeton.
Again.
It's a different kid, okay?
[Dr. Kevin] And that's a wrap!
-High-five! -[gasps]
-Kidding! -[honks]
Ow!
-That was for the pain. -[electronic burp]
Numbers look like they're moving in the right direction, Boss.
Fantastic work, people.
And I anticipate a major uptick from our elimination of balloon pops,
electronic belches, and high-frequency bicycle hornings.
[Tim] What are you talking about?
I was just at Dr. Kevin's office, and those things were still there.
What? Dakota, you told me you'd taken all of it!
[babbling]
-[electronic burp] -[grunts]
Of course Dr. Kevin would just replenish his stock of novelty goofery!
We've been doing this all wrong.
We have to eliminate the source of our problems.
Amen!
So, whoever wants to help me get rid of this luckular reflux pencil...
What? No!
The source is Dr. Kevin's "comedian's disease."
-And we're going to be the cure. -[Staci] Whoa there, Boss.
If you're planning on making more trips to the doctor's office,
I'd think again.
Jimbo's been monitoring baby love at your homes,
and parental stress levels are huge!
Close to redlining for the entire playgroup.
[Jimbo] Everybody except Joy.
Who's Joy?
Joy Freeman? The mayor's daughter?
Quiet Psycho Baby! Joy!
Hey, we need you.
-Gah! -Ow!
I'm sorry! But just wait a second.
That baby's obviously suffered through Dr. Kevin's awful comedy doctoring before.
Yes, we all have. That's why we're doing this.
But not everyone feels things the same way.
She's the quiet one, right?
Eyes always wide open, taking everything in?
If you need her help, you need her help.
Just think about what big, loud, obnoxious Dr. Kevin must be like for her.
Joy?
I'm sorry.
I never stopped to think that this is probably harder for you
than for any of us.
And I wouldn't ask if there were any other option.
But I'm not asking you to do this alone.
We're a field team now.
Yes, we're counting on you,
but you can count on us.
We're with you every crawling step of the way.
Food coloring. You know what to do.
[diaper rustles]
Sweet child of heaven!
What is that color and why is it coming out of my baby?
[bell jingles]
Freeman.
-[squishes] -No infection, Mr. Mayor.
[in Cockney accent] 'Ear 'ear, this calls for a celebration!
[electronic vomiting]
-[gags] -Shut it off! She's highly suggestible!
I-I'm sorry! Sorry!
[crying]
Kidding?
[truck horn blares]
-[wailing] -[Dr. Kevin] I swear, I didn't mean it!
How is this medicinal?
It's-- It's comedy!
Uh, here, have a balloon.
What?
I'm sure you're a wonderful pediatrician, but your comedy stinks.
You're right! I... [grunts]
It's all done.
Nothing but boring workplace professionalism from me.
I promise.
Ha ha! We did it!
[babies cheering]
Look at those baby love readouts!
The new, duller-than-dirt Dr. Kevin is a hit with babies townwide!
Who knew I could love boring?
We all do, big guy.
And Quiet Psycho Baby, Joy...
[laughs] Ho ho ho.
Did you ever come through clutch. Ha ha!
Come on, crack a smile. You deserve it.
[babbling]
What did she say?
She said she sort of a little bit liked Dr. Kevin's comedy hah-hahs.
That's not possible.
-Wha-- Why would you-- -[babbling]
You want to be a comedian yourself?
I don't believe it. Tell me a joke.
[babbling]
[laughing]
Okay. Oh! Whoo!
That's pretty good, but it's beside the point.
Look at the trend lines, the pie graphs!
These are exactly the kind of results that are going to get my job back!
Over 98 percent of babies agree we've made Dr. Kevin's office a better place!
-I guess she's in the other two percent. -You really blew the call on that one.
It's not my fault!
It's this stupid lucky pencil that turned on me!
There is no such thing as lucky and/or unlucky pencils!
That is exactly the kind of unbelief that lets bad luck artifacts
spiral out of control in the first place!
-[Danny] Tim? -[gasps]
[Danny shouts, grunts]
[Tim] Danny. What are you doing here?
Opening a new front in the squirrel wars.
But, uh, I heard you arguing with somebody about your unlucky pencil.
The other guy take off?
Yeah, I guess he couldn't handle how real it was.
Bro, you can't force anyone to believe in the luckular sciences.
Every dude walks their own path.
If you wanna lead them to the truth, first you gotta respect their thing.
[groans] Oh, I can't believe I'm getting life lessons from Danny Petrosky.
[parents chatting]
-[parents gasp] -Oh, come on!
No evidence of concussion, just mild contusions.
And no fractures this time.
Oh, thank goodness!
Rest, ice, compression and elevation should help--
-[cooing] -Oh, what did you find?
[coos]
Sorry, ma'am. I thought I got rid of all that.
[laughing]
I think he wants a honk.
I don't really do that anymore.
Just once? For old times' sake?
[coos]
-[honks] -[giggling]
Again? Again?
-[honks] -[giggling]
I got the impression this sort of thing wasn't wanted.
Maybe doctor comedy isn't one-size-fits-all.
Some babies like it, others don't.
Every baby walks its own path, and you just gotta respect their thing.
Ooh, well put, Tim!
Here, you can use this fancy fire pencil to track who's who on your charts.
Cool! Thanks!
[Boss] Baby satisfaction: 100 percent.
That one's for you, Joy.
Just be sure to do extra comedy for my little guy.
He seems to love it!
-You can belch on it! [laughs] -[electronic burps]
Kidding! [laughs]
[theme music playing]
♪ Boss Baby ♪