2
00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,957
MELANIE: Good morning, Connor.
Versace is on 1.
3
00:00:55,131 --> 00:00:56,564
CONNOR:
Okay.
4
00:00:56,732 --> 00:01:00,432
MELANIE: Clear out.
- Good, good, good. Oh, I like this.
5
00:01:01,407 --> 00:01:03,706
Okay, ladies,
do not look at me or the camera.
6
00:01:03,877 --> 00:01:08,442
Just keep doing what you do.
On three. One, two, three.
7
00:01:08,618 --> 00:01:11,953
All right. Reset, I'll be right back.
Pull the backlight down, and stop.
8
00:01:12,123 --> 00:01:14,252
And more martinis around.
Nice work, gentlemen.
9
00:01:14,428 --> 00:01:17,024
MELANIE: Connor wants a re-light on one.
We're moving to Stage 2.
10
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,293
And the Vanity Fair cover
is waiting on two.
11
00:01:19,469 --> 00:01:22,168
WOMAN: Oh, hey, you.
- Hi, Mr. Mead.
12
00:01:22,342 --> 00:01:24,003
Hey. Good morning, ladies.
13
00:01:24,177 --> 00:01:26,271
So do you wanna have dinner
with us after?
14
00:01:26,447 --> 00:01:28,007
I'd love to, but I can't.
15
00:01:28,184 --> 00:01:30,653
I'm booked solid, ladies.
But I will find you, okay?
16
00:01:30,821 --> 00:01:32,483
WOMAN:
Okay.
17
00:01:32,958 --> 00:01:34,289
You want me to book them?
18
00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:35,792
CONNOR: Yes.
- Bye.
19
00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:39,332
- Separately or together?
- Yes. Ha, ha.
20
00:01:42,173 --> 00:01:44,233
- Good morning, Kalia.
KALIA: Hello.
21
00:01:44,410 --> 00:01:45,502
I'm Connor Mead.
22
00:01:45,678 --> 00:01:47,647
- You're ravishing.
- Well, thank you.
23
00:01:47,814 --> 00:01:49,750
Stand here, please.
24
00:01:50,052 --> 00:01:52,112
All right.
25
00:01:52,289 --> 00:01:55,021
Let's get started.
Get rid of the green screen.
26
00:01:55,193 --> 00:01:57,094
- Um, let's cozy up. Give me key light.
- Wha...?
27
00:01:57,263 --> 00:02:00,497
- Bring it over and down six inches.
- Excuse me, what are you doing?
28
00:02:00,670 --> 00:02:05,167
And keep the set medic on cue just in case.
Can I have the, um...?
29
00:02:05,344 --> 00:02:06,369
Apples.
30
00:02:06,546 --> 00:02:11,110
- This is my wardrobe.
- That's the one. Oh, an ode to Billy Tell.
31
00:02:11,286 --> 00:02:14,279
I just wanna let you know
that I'm a huge fan.
32
00:02:14,458 --> 00:02:18,362
Likewise. I mean, I'm not 12 years old
and tone-deaf, so I don't like your music...
33
00:02:18,531 --> 00:02:20,797
...but I really dig your look.
34
00:02:20,969 --> 00:02:23,632
Can we come here and strengthen up
these eyebrows a touch?
35
00:02:23,806 --> 00:02:28,941
- Stay right there. Stay right there.
- So this is it?
36
00:02:29,115 --> 00:02:30,947
This is the picture?
37
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:35,321
- I'm half naked with an apple on my head.
- Yes, you are.
38
00:02:35,491 --> 00:02:38,554
This is the cover of Vanity Fair
from the great Connor Mead?
39
00:02:38,731 --> 00:02:40,289
Well, not quite.
40
00:02:40,466 --> 00:02:44,270
I'd like to introduce you to Kako Tatsumi.
She's a Japanese archery champion.
41
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,101
She's gonna be helping us out today.
42
00:02:46,610 --> 00:02:49,479
And you have nothing to fear.
She placed sixth in Beijing.
43
00:02:50,816 --> 00:02:52,079
[CHUCKLES]
44
00:02:52,252 --> 00:02:54,050
Are you joking?
45
00:02:54,222 --> 00:02:55,451
Is he...? Is he joking?
46
00:02:56,158 --> 00:02:58,822
Kalia, chin down, eyes here,
arms to your side.
47
00:03:00,298 --> 00:03:03,201
- Somebody tell me he's joking.
CONNOR: Don't move.
48
00:03:03,370 --> 00:03:04,668
Kako, on my count.
49
00:03:05,473 --> 00:03:08,103
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
50
00:03:08,278 --> 00:03:09,610
She didn't even medal!
51
00:03:10,716 --> 00:03:10,783
[KALIA SCREAMS]
52
00:03:10,783 --> 00:03:12,081
[KALIA SCREAMS]
53
00:03:14,821 --> 00:03:17,087
KALIA:
Just listen to my music.
54
00:03:19,328 --> 00:03:21,730
I am more than my look. I am.
55
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:24,301
Sweetie, you are already gorgeous.
56
00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:27,237
Why do you need
to be good at two things, huh?
57
00:03:27,409 --> 00:03:28,933
MELANIE:
Connor.
58
00:03:29,111 --> 00:03:31,638
- Need your select on the mayor's proofs.
- Now?
59
00:03:31,817 --> 00:03:33,718
And I'm juggling three of your buddies...
60
00:03:33,886 --> 00:03:35,821
...on iChat.
- Does she knock?
61
00:03:35,989 --> 00:03:39,222
Sorry. You told me to make sure
you were on the road by 2.
62
00:03:39,395 --> 00:03:40,555
Why?
63
00:03:40,729 --> 00:03:42,391
MELANIE:
Your brother's wedding in Newport?
64
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:44,799
- That's today?
MELANIE: The rehearsal dinner's tonight...
65
00:03:44,971 --> 00:03:48,032
...at your Uncle Wayne's old estate.
- Oh, God, I gotta get up there.
66
00:03:48,209 --> 00:03:53,013
And I have Kiki, Charlece and Nadja
on your IM. They keep calling.
67
00:03:53,184 --> 00:03:56,382
- Nadja. Remind me who Nadja is again?
- Nadja was dinner Friday night.
68
00:03:56,555 --> 00:04:01,724
- Right. Very pretty girl. Didn't say much.
- She's Romanian. Barely speaks English.
69
00:04:01,897 --> 00:04:04,459
Well, that explains it.
Scan these to Mike right away.
70
00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:08,232
I am a touch busy, if you could
take care of those calls, I'd appreciate it.
71
00:04:08,407 --> 00:04:11,504
No. No way. I'm not breaking up with girls
for you, Connor.
72
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,945
That's where I draw the line.
I believe in karma.
73
00:04:14,117 --> 00:04:15,551
Okay.
74
00:04:15,954 --> 00:04:17,786
- Conference them.
MELANIE: Conference them?
75
00:04:17,957 --> 00:04:20,323
CONNOR: Conference them.
MELANIE: Oh, no, you wouldn't.
76
00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:22,360
Oh, yes, I would.
77
00:04:23,798 --> 00:04:25,927
They're conferenced.
Click here to disconnect.
78
00:04:26,436 --> 00:04:29,135
- Hello, ladies, it's Connor Mead.
CHARLECE: Hi, Connor.
79
00:04:29,308 --> 00:04:32,245
- Hi.
- Whoa, is there anyone else on the line?
80
00:04:32,414 --> 00:04:35,873
Listen, I'm sincerely pressed for time
right now, so I'm gonna...
81
00:04:36,053 --> 00:04:38,717
Well, I'm gonna have to do this in bulk.
Um...
82
00:04:39,492 --> 00:04:41,324
It's not gonna work out for us.
83
00:04:41,495 --> 00:04:43,087
- Wait, are you kidding me?
- What?
84
00:04:43,264 --> 00:04:46,029
Tell me you're not breaking up
with me on a conference call.
85
00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:49,174
KIKI: But I thought things were going great.
NADJA: You are a womans hater.
86
00:04:49,341 --> 00:04:50,673
Connor Mead hates womans.
87
00:04:50,843 --> 00:04:54,645
No, no, no, I love womans.
I mean, "women," all right?
88
00:04:54,816 --> 00:04:56,842
I love all women.
That's the problem here.
89
00:04:57,019 --> 00:05:00,890
KIKI: No. The problem is you date a girl for
two weeks, get her to fall in love with you...
90
00:05:01,061 --> 00:05:05,624
He takes the love and he hoard it,
like a miser.
91
00:05:05,801 --> 00:05:08,999
Jesus, doesn't anyone
just wanna have fun anymore?
92
00:05:09,172 --> 00:05:10,197
I like to have fun.
93
00:05:10,374 --> 00:05:13,539
All right, then don't listen to these ladies.
They are crazy.
94
00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:16,377
We can still hear you
when you cover the camera, you know.
95
00:05:16,552 --> 00:05:18,487
- Right.
- Emotionally retarded.
96
00:05:18,654 --> 00:05:20,556
- You really need therapy.
- You stupid boy.
97
00:05:20,725 --> 00:05:23,629
Ladies, it sounds like you have
an awful lot to discuss, okay?
98
00:05:23,797 --> 00:05:27,359
So I'm gonna jump off,
but feel free to keep talking, okay?
99
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:33,500
Kiki, Nadja, Charlece, I had an amazing time
with each one of you.
100
00:05:33,679 --> 00:05:35,614
I wish you all the best.
101
00:05:35,782 --> 00:05:37,945
- Goodbye.
KIKI: No, we are not done...
102
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,681
You really are as bad as they say.
103
00:05:40,857 --> 00:05:44,352
CONNOR:
Oh, no, dear, I am just a little bit worse.
104
00:05:44,530 --> 00:05:46,897
Of course, you'd never treat me
that way, right?
105
00:05:47,067 --> 00:05:51,131
No. I just did that for you.
I'm cleaning my plate for the main course.
106
00:05:51,308 --> 00:05:52,366
[LAUGHING]
107
00:05:52,542 --> 00:05:56,140
You're the biggest jerk ever.
In fact, you're even famous for it.
108
00:05:57,050 --> 00:05:59,418
No, really, why am I doing this?
109
00:05:59,587 --> 00:06:02,523
Well, it usually has something to do
with your father.
110
00:06:02,692 --> 00:06:05,664
Oh, please.
I've never even met my father.
111
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:08,225
Well, come to papa.
112
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,006
[SIGHS]
113
00:07:02,121 --> 00:07:05,354
Okay, here we go.
114
00:07:05,827 --> 00:07:10,494
This will have gone like clockwork,
so at 1529 I will say:
115
00:07:10,668 --> 00:07:12,160
"You may kiss the bride."
116
00:07:12,338 --> 00:07:14,203
PAUL: Oh, we should practice that,
shouldn't we?
117
00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:15,398
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
118
00:07:15,576 --> 00:07:17,978
JENNY: Oh, God.
- Paulie. Hey.
119
00:07:18,147 --> 00:07:20,673
- Connor. Go around.
CONNOR: Yeah.
120
00:07:20,851 --> 00:07:22,376
He came.
121
00:07:22,554 --> 00:07:23,749
[LAUGHING]
122
00:07:23,924 --> 00:07:25,949
- He came.
- He came.
123
00:07:26,126 --> 00:07:27,185
SANDRA: What's wrong?
- What?
124
00:07:27,361 --> 00:07:30,423
Well, you and all but one of my bridesmaids
have slept with him...
125
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,127
...so he can't be that bad, right?
- No.
126
00:07:33,305 --> 00:07:35,570
- Jenny, soothe the nervous bride.
- Oh, it's fine.
127
00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:38,512
Hey.
128
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,582
PAUL:
Connor.
129
00:07:41,417 --> 00:07:43,444
- Good to see you. Yeah.
- You made it.
130
00:07:43,621 --> 00:07:45,089
- You look great.
- Thank you, man.
131
00:07:45,257 --> 00:07:48,194
PAUL: What do you think about what
we did to Uncle Wayne's old karate dojo?
132
00:07:48,362 --> 00:07:49,990
CONNOR: Whoa.
- I'm psyched.
133
00:07:50,166 --> 00:07:52,134
I didn't think
you were gonna make the rehearsal.
134
00:07:52,301 --> 00:07:53,964
Well, I wanted to get here early...
135
00:07:54,138 --> 00:07:57,075
...make sure you had time
to think about our last conversation.
136
00:07:57,245 --> 00:08:00,578
You know, the one about marriage, love,
never-ending lifelong monogamy?
137
00:08:00,749 --> 00:08:02,377
Yes, I definitely thought about it.
138
00:08:02,552 --> 00:08:04,076
- You did? Good, good.
- Yes, I did.
139
00:08:04,254 --> 00:08:07,124
If you're having second thoughts,
here's the key to my Jag.
140
00:08:07,293 --> 00:08:09,990
You give me the word, I'll block.
141
00:08:10,498 --> 00:08:12,695
- Oh, my God, you're serious.
- You're damn right.
142
00:08:12,869 --> 00:08:15,668
Man, I'll do anything for you.
Who's got your back, huh?
143
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,301
Hey, it's you and me
against the world, right?
144
00:08:19,479 --> 00:08:21,141
Why is he giving him keys?
145
00:08:21,315 --> 00:08:24,115
- Why's he giving him keys?
- Oh, I bet he's giving you a car.
146
00:08:24,287 --> 00:08:26,813
- I'm just gonna go check on that.
- Okay.
147
00:08:26,991 --> 00:08:30,759
Connor, we've talked about this.
I wanna get married. I love Sandra.
148
00:08:30,931 --> 00:08:33,367
- You say that now, okay?
- Everything okay here, guys?
149
00:08:33,535 --> 00:08:35,767
Because we're still,
you know, rehearsing.
150
00:08:35,939 --> 00:08:37,966
- Jenny Perotti.
- Connor Mead.
151
00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:41,114
- I'll be damned.
- That's probably true.
152
00:08:41,281 --> 00:08:44,149
- Hey, the bride's unsupervised.
- I'm on it.
153
00:08:44,319 --> 00:08:47,518
- Buddy, we're not done talking about this.
- Done talking about what?
154
00:08:48,359 --> 00:08:50,624
- Options.
- Options.
155
00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:52,958
Yeah, listen to me, Connor.
156
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:57,232
This is the biggest weekend in Sandy's life.
If you detract from her wedding...
157
00:08:57,407 --> 00:09:01,004
...I will sneak into your room
and cut off your favorite appendage.
158
00:09:01,180 --> 00:09:02,911
Now, the first part sounds nice.
159
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:05,518
I can make it look like an accident.
Don't push me.
160
00:09:05,686 --> 00:09:09,853
Just try to be supportive. Normal.
Just not a train wreck for once.
161
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:12,259
- I'll be on my best behavior.
JENNY: That worries me.
162
00:09:12,431 --> 00:09:14,422
I will, I'll be supportive. Whatever.
163
00:09:14,601 --> 00:09:15,967
- Really?
CONNOR: Yes.
164
00:09:16,137 --> 00:09:17,366
JENNY:
Come on.
165
00:09:17,539 --> 00:09:20,304
See? I knew there wouldn't be
any weirdness between you two.
166
00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:24,645
- Connor, you remember Sandra?
- Yes, I do. How are you, Sandra?
167
00:09:25,486 --> 00:09:28,047
You know, it's not too late
to get out, gorgeous.
168
00:09:28,223 --> 00:09:29,486
He's joking.
169
00:09:29,659 --> 00:09:31,457
And you know the bridesmaids.
170
00:09:31,628 --> 00:09:34,998
Oh, yes, I do. Deena, Donna.
How are you?
171
00:09:35,168 --> 00:09:36,328
- And, uh...?
- Denice.
172
00:09:36,503 --> 00:09:39,065
CONNOR: Nice to meet you, Denice. Ladies.
- Me too. How are you?
173
00:09:39,241 --> 00:09:42,076
PAUL: My groomsmen.
Guys, this is my brother, Connor.
174
00:09:42,279 --> 00:09:44,248
- We've heard the stories, man.
CONNOR: Oh, okay.
175
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:47,478
- An honor to be serving with you.
- And with you.
176
00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:50,284
It's "mice" to "neet" you.
Damn it, I blew it.
177
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:52,552
JENNY: Sorry to break up the bromance,
guys, but...
178
00:09:52,729 --> 00:09:55,359
...I need you right here
where I can keep my eyes on you.
179
00:09:55,534 --> 00:09:58,060
- Absolutely.
- Are we ready?
180
00:09:58,237 --> 00:09:59,330
Yes, sorry, sarge.
181
00:09:59,841 --> 00:10:02,037
Sarge?
Are they getting married by a cop?
182
00:10:02,212 --> 00:10:05,410
Sergeant Major Volcom,
United States Marine Corps.
183
00:10:05,583 --> 00:10:08,384
I am not a cop.
184
00:10:09,856 --> 00:10:13,693
- Where'd you find this ray of sunshine?
PAUL: He's Sandra's dad.
185
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:16,959
Sarge, this is my brother, Connor.
Connor, this is the sarge.
186
00:10:17,135 --> 00:10:19,128
He was ordained right after the war.
187
00:10:19,306 --> 00:10:22,675
Little war called Korea.
Perhaps you've heard of it, slick?
188
00:10:22,845 --> 00:10:24,677
Lost more men than Nam.
189
00:10:24,849 --> 00:10:27,216
We didn't get a wall.
We didn't get a movie.
190
00:10:27,385 --> 00:10:30,846
We got a sitcom with Alan Alda
which was all nonstop laughs...
191
00:10:31,024 --> 00:10:33,425
...unless you were the one
watching his friends die.
192
00:10:33,595 --> 00:10:36,122
The war's over, Dad. It was a tie.
193
00:10:36,299 --> 00:10:39,168
You know, we should probably try
to keep going on schedule.
194
00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:41,706
- Hua.
- Hua.
195
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:45,939
Following the kiss at 1530 hours,
on my mark...
196
00:10:46,115 --> 00:10:48,084
...groom will take bride's left forearm...
197
00:10:48,252 --> 00:10:52,317
...rotate 180 degrees,
orienting north by northwest.
198
00:10:52,493 --> 00:10:55,360
Then I will announce you
as husband and wife.
199
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,523
Following which...
200
00:10:59,302 --> 00:11:03,367
Following which,
you will live happily ever after.
201
00:11:03,544 --> 00:11:04,772
[CHUCKLES]
202
00:11:05,547 --> 00:11:06,572
SANDRA:
Oh, Daddy.
203
00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:09,582
DENICE: So sweet. Oh, my God.
DEENA: That is sweet.
204
00:11:10,721 --> 00:11:13,419
- I'm surrounded by huggers.
- There we go.
205
00:11:13,594 --> 00:11:16,529
- No, we're cool, man.
- Come on.
206
00:11:27,849 --> 00:11:31,287
Hey, Uncle Wayne.
207
00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:38,288
Ah, the world's a lot less fun
without you in it, buddy.
208
00:11:43,073 --> 00:11:45,407
Oh, no. Oh, no.
209
00:11:45,577 --> 00:11:49,071
No decorations in here. No.
210
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:51,744
No. No.
211
00:11:51,922 --> 00:11:54,153
And, yes.
212
00:11:54,325 --> 00:11:55,350
No.
213
00:11:56,796 --> 00:12:01,166
- No! Wha...? What did...? What the...?
- Something wrong?
214
00:12:03,641 --> 00:12:06,133
I got over 30 scented candles
in my room.
215
00:12:06,311 --> 00:12:09,043
- Oh, the wedding scent is lavender.
- The wedding scent?
216
00:12:09,216 --> 00:12:12,153
- And people wonder why I'm not married.
- Not really.
217
00:12:12,321 --> 00:12:16,020
I mean, seriously, Jenny, my Uncle Wayne
is rolling over in his grave right now.
218
00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:18,163
No, come on. Wayne loved a good party.
219
00:12:18,331 --> 00:12:22,393
Party, yes. A wedding? No.
Back in the day that man used this place...
220
00:12:22,569 --> 00:12:27,100
...for mind-numbing, clothing-optional,
weeklong orgies, okay?
221
00:12:27,277 --> 00:12:29,577
Do you know Dean Martin
slept in that bathroom?
222
00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:32,878
He drank from the bidet
and sang the Canadian national anthem...
223
00:12:33,054 --> 00:12:34,352
...in Spanish.
- In Spanish.
224
00:12:34,523 --> 00:12:40,124
- Yeah, I remember Wayne telling us that.
- Yeah. Now that, that was a party. Not this.
225
00:12:42,103 --> 00:12:45,403
You know, people were taking bets
on whether or not you'd even show up.
226
00:12:45,574 --> 00:12:47,975
- Miss my kid brother's wedding?
- That's what I said.
227
00:12:48,144 --> 00:12:51,605
The whole asshole thing you do
is to get insecure women to sleep with you.
228
00:12:51,784 --> 00:12:55,620
- Deep down, you're a big sweetheart.
- Oh. Look who's got me pegged.
229
00:12:55,790 --> 00:12:59,593
And there's the sarcasm to cover up
the accidental display of affection for Paul.
230
00:12:59,764 --> 00:13:01,232
Hey.
231
00:13:02,068 --> 00:13:03,593
I'm not covering anything up.
232
00:13:04,337 --> 00:13:09,506
And I would also be more than happy to
take off the rest of my clothes to prove it.
233
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:13,915
Then there's the cheap sexual innuendo.
All the old Connor Mead tricks are back.
234
00:13:14,087 --> 00:13:17,251
Well, don't worry,
your secret's safe with me.
235
00:13:17,426 --> 00:13:20,420
I won't tell anyone you have feelings.
236
00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:23,268
ALL:
Hua!
237
00:13:23,268 --> 00:13:25,204
ALL:
Hua!
238
00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:28,836
Oh, gosh.
239
00:13:29,010 --> 00:13:33,347
- Okay. Yeah, it didn't work. Still nervous.
- Let's do another one.
240
00:13:33,518 --> 00:13:36,922
- Sandy, what about him?
- Dan Palumbo. Married.
241
00:13:37,091 --> 00:13:38,490
Oh. Kids?
242
00:13:38,659 --> 00:13:40,959
What? They're not really married
unless they have kids.
243
00:13:41,130 --> 00:13:42,359
BOTH:
Hua.
244
00:13:42,534 --> 00:13:45,402
- Heard, understood, acknowledged.
- Sandy.
245
00:13:46,506 --> 00:13:48,497
Save some liquor
for the rest of the guests.
246
00:13:48,675 --> 00:13:50,736
- Bye, Mrs. Mead.
- Clean my room, pledge.
247
00:13:56,121 --> 00:13:58,591
Slow down. Slow down.
248
00:13:59,326 --> 00:14:00,487
- Hey.
- Here you are, sir.
249
00:14:00,662 --> 00:14:03,758
CONNOR: If you can keep those coming
all night. Thank you.
250
00:14:03,935 --> 00:14:05,835
And now we're off.
251
00:14:06,003 --> 00:14:07,369
- Excuse me, Mr. Mead?
- Mm-hm.
252
00:14:07,540 --> 00:14:09,873
I just wanna tell you,
I'm a huge fan of your work.
253
00:14:10,043 --> 00:14:12,775
- Thank you.
- Gonna photograph your brother's wedding?
254
00:14:13,248 --> 00:14:16,242
No. No, I'm not a wedding photographer.
255
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:19,586
JEFF: Right, but it's your brother.
- Right.
256
00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:23,458
He's not good at taking pictures of people
with their clothes on.
257
00:14:23,632 --> 00:14:25,795
- Look who's funny.
- It's not his specialty.
258
00:14:25,970 --> 00:14:26,994
[PHONE RINGING]
259
00:14:27,171 --> 00:14:29,073
- Ah.
- Turn your phone off.
260
00:14:29,642 --> 00:14:30,940
Connor Mead.
261
00:14:31,411 --> 00:14:33,208
No, I would not like to cut my quota.
262
00:14:33,380 --> 00:14:35,680
JENNY: Connor.
- Look, just tell him to go screw himself.
263
00:14:35,851 --> 00:14:38,378
- Yeah, I said, tell him to go screw himself.
- Hey.
264
00:14:38,856 --> 00:14:41,850
CONNOR: Like when a man and a woman...
I gotta go. Gotta go.
265
00:14:42,029 --> 00:14:43,894
- Hi.
SANDRA: Oh, my God.
266
00:14:44,064 --> 00:14:46,091
- Sit down before you...
- Oh, my God.
267
00:14:46,269 --> 00:14:47,932
- What?
- What is this?
268
00:14:48,106 --> 00:14:52,238
- Endive arugula salad. You did well...
- No, no, no. The salad I ordered had figs.
269
00:14:52,412 --> 00:14:56,316
Yeah, because fruit is the new crouton.
This is...
270
00:14:57,352 --> 00:15:01,257
This is a disaster. My friends and family
didn't come all the way over here...
271
00:15:01,426 --> 00:15:04,192
...to be met with some lackluster salad.
Where are the figs?
272
00:15:04,364 --> 00:15:06,926
Excuse me, where are the figs?
Because I want some figs!
273
00:15:07,102 --> 00:15:09,037
Sweetie? Sweetie. Hi.
274
00:15:09,206 --> 00:15:10,538
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi.
275
00:15:10,708 --> 00:15:12,176
Hi.
276
00:15:12,344 --> 00:15:14,906
Okay, look, you're right, okay?
You did order figs.
277
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:18,143
But, uh, everyone seems
to be loving the salad, right?
278
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:20,813
- Anybody missing figs?
- The dressing is a panoply...
279
00:15:20,991 --> 00:15:23,358
...of flavors.
- It's really good salad.
280
00:15:24,697 --> 00:15:27,030
JENNY: A lot to recommend, this salad.
- Okay. Sorry.
281
00:15:27,201 --> 00:15:30,730
- There she is. All right, she's back.
- I'm sorry, everyone. I just...
282
00:15:30,908 --> 00:15:34,607
It's my wedding and...
Well, I'm not usually a massive bitch.
283
00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:37,147
- She kind of is.
- Ha, ha. Stop it.
284
00:15:37,317 --> 00:15:40,720
I just really want everything
to start out perfectly.
285
00:15:40,889 --> 00:15:43,825
I mean, I only plan on getting married
four or five times, tops.
286
00:15:43,995 --> 00:15:45,896
Oh, sweetie.
287
00:15:46,064 --> 00:15:47,658
Oh, which reminds me, Connor.
288
00:15:47,835 --> 00:15:50,703
Sandy and I wanted to know
if you would make a toast tomorrow.
289
00:15:50,872 --> 00:15:52,205
What?
290
00:15:52,976 --> 00:15:56,243
- Yeah. We'd like that.
PAUL: I know it's not really your thing...
291
00:15:56,415 --> 00:15:59,614
...but it is kind of a tradition
for the best man to give a toast.
292
00:15:59,786 --> 00:16:02,382
- Could be super short.
- Super long, whatever you want.
293
00:16:02,557 --> 00:16:05,084
- They kidding? Are you kidding?
- Yes.
294
00:16:05,262 --> 00:16:06,320
- No.
- Yes.
295
00:16:06,498 --> 00:16:10,403
No, you're the only family I got here,
so I thought you could say something.
296
00:16:10,571 --> 00:16:12,972
I don't think this is the best idea
you've ever had.
297
00:16:13,142 --> 00:16:15,442
- I'm with Jenny.
- You can scrounge up a cousin...
298
00:16:15,613 --> 00:16:17,445
No, no, no. Come on, you're my brother.
299
00:16:17,616 --> 00:16:19,813
You're funny, you're articulate,
you're smart.
300
00:16:19,987 --> 00:16:24,449
- True, true and true. Um, I'm flattered, but...
- lf you're not gonna take pictures...
301
00:16:24,627 --> 00:16:27,756
...it's the least you can do.
- Who the hell is this guy?
302
00:16:27,932 --> 00:16:29,127
- Who's that?
- Jeff.
303
00:16:29,301 --> 00:16:33,672
I'm not toasting anyone tomorrow, okay?
304
00:16:33,842 --> 00:16:37,440
I can't toast this.
305
00:16:37,615 --> 00:16:40,483
- Come on.
- This always happens. All Scotch, no carbs.
306
00:16:40,653 --> 00:16:43,987
Is there a bread basket? You know what,
let's talk about something else.
307
00:16:44,157 --> 00:16:45,682
So, um, when do you catch your flight?
308
00:16:45,861 --> 00:16:48,764
Paulie, you know where I come out
on all this, buddy.
309
00:16:48,933 --> 00:16:53,339
To me, marriage is an archaic
and oppressive institution...
310
00:16:53,507 --> 00:16:55,635
...that should a been abolished years ago.
311
00:16:55,810 --> 00:17:00,512
And love? It's magical comfort food
for the weak and the uneducated.
312
00:17:00,685 --> 00:17:02,882
Yeah, it makes you feel all warm
and relevant...
313
00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:07,290
...but in the end, love leaves you weak,
dependant and fat.
314
00:17:08,296 --> 00:17:11,461
- Yeah, that might not make the best toast.
- Are you saying I'm fat?
315
00:17:11,635 --> 00:17:13,502
- No. Are you kidding?
PAUL: No, no, no.
316
00:17:13,672 --> 00:17:16,040
No, sweetie, sweetie,
he's being funny, I think.
317
00:17:16,210 --> 00:17:19,340
Better hold your next words
real close, Paco.
318
00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:25,755
Believe me, all right? For Paul's sake,
I wish I could believe in all this crap. I do.
319
00:17:25,926 --> 00:17:28,394
And I also wish I could believe
in the Easter bunny...
320
00:17:28,562 --> 00:17:32,023
...the missile shield,
and strippers with a heart of gold, all right?
321
00:17:32,203 --> 00:17:36,767
But, unfortunately, I am condemned
to see the world as it really is.
322
00:17:36,944 --> 00:17:39,345
And love? Love is a myth.
323
00:17:39,514 --> 00:17:43,578
Oh, good. Because I was afraid you were
gonna make a really long, cynical speech.
324
00:17:44,389 --> 00:17:45,516
Truth hurts, baby.
325
00:17:46,025 --> 00:17:48,962
- Why don't you go?
- Yeah. Why don't I do that?
326
00:17:49,130 --> 00:17:51,098
And I think I'll take my salad with me.
327
00:17:52,702 --> 00:17:55,194
Mm. Some figs would've been nice.
328
00:17:56,174 --> 00:17:57,369
[SCOFFS]
329
00:18:02,051 --> 00:18:03,280
[CLEARS THRO AT]
330
00:18:04,755 --> 00:18:07,782
This is gonna be tougher than I thought.
331
00:18:07,961 --> 00:18:09,929
[WAYNE LAUGHING]
332
00:18:10,397 --> 00:18:12,297
You got that right, kid.
333
00:18:15,405 --> 00:18:17,396
Uncle Wayne?
334
00:18:20,780 --> 00:18:22,612
Uncle Wayne.
335
00:18:22,783 --> 00:18:24,912
- Uh...
- Ha, ha.
336
00:18:25,088 --> 00:18:26,113
You're dead.
337
00:18:26,290 --> 00:18:30,923
Players never die, Dutch.
They just try their luck at a different table.
338
00:18:31,098 --> 00:18:32,759
Whoa, whoa.
339
00:18:32,934 --> 00:18:35,699
Never touch a man
when he's hanging a wire.
340
00:18:35,871 --> 00:18:37,499
You kidding me?
341
00:18:42,449 --> 00:18:43,473
Oh, God.
342
00:18:45,487 --> 00:18:47,719
Aqua Velva.
343
00:18:48,459 --> 00:18:51,793
What are you...? What are you...?
What are you...? What are you doing here?
344
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:54,195
I'm here to warn you, kid.
345
00:18:54,368 --> 00:18:56,461
Don't waste your life like I did.
346
00:18:56,637 --> 00:19:00,508
What are you talking about?
You had a great life, man.
347
00:19:00,678 --> 00:19:04,208
You're a legend.
The money, the parties, the women, you...
348
00:19:04,384 --> 00:19:07,822
Listen, kid. When the music stops
and you're looking for your slacks...
349
00:19:07,990 --> 00:19:10,620
...none of that stuff matters worth a lick.
350
00:19:11,029 --> 00:19:14,431
Well, there was this one party. Um...
351
00:19:14,835 --> 00:19:16,564
New Year's '68, Philippines.
352
00:19:16,737 --> 00:19:19,537
Me, Stevie McQueen,
17 Lufthansa stewardesses...
353
00:19:19,709 --> 00:19:23,272
...and a pile of blow the size of a toaster.
354
00:19:23,448 --> 00:19:24,882
Now that was a good night.
355
00:19:25,050 --> 00:19:26,986
Aw. That sounds like a great night.
356
00:19:27,154 --> 00:19:30,648
Oh, no, I've had a few laughs,
I've chased some tail but, trust me, Dutch...
357
00:19:30,827 --> 00:19:32,421
...you don't wanna end up like me.
358
00:19:32,597 --> 00:19:35,465
- What are you talking about?
- No, no. Save it for the sandman.
359
00:19:35,635 --> 00:19:40,574
I've been watching you,
and you are definitely turning out like me.
360
00:19:40,743 --> 00:19:42,678
Frankly, I mean, who could blame you?
361
00:19:42,846 --> 00:19:46,808
But tonight...
Tonight, things are gonna change.
362
00:19:49,157 --> 00:19:52,059
Tonight you're gonna be visited
by three ghosts.
363
00:19:52,595 --> 00:19:54,565
You have got to be kidding me.
364
00:19:54,732 --> 00:19:59,262
And you're gonna be forced to feel things
that you haven't felt for a long time.
365
00:19:59,439 --> 00:20:02,068
Things like feelings, for example.
366
00:20:02,244 --> 00:20:06,808
Remember, no matter how much it hurts,
it's all for your own good.
367
00:20:06,985 --> 00:20:11,357
And the stuff that's not for your own good,
it's for my entertainment.
368
00:20:11,526 --> 00:20:13,722
Look, Uncle Wayne, you...
369
00:20:16,902 --> 00:20:18,494
Where'd he go?
370
00:20:23,812 --> 00:20:25,007
[CHUCKLES]
371
00:20:25,681 --> 00:20:28,743
All right, that didn't just happen. Okay.
372
00:20:37,167 --> 00:20:38,635
Uh-oh.
373
00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:41,641
Melanie! Melanie? Where are you?
I need you up here, all right?
374
00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:44,042
Melanie! Melanie? Where are you?
I need you up here, all right?
375
00:20:44,212 --> 00:20:48,014
Look, you are my assistant
and I need assistance.
376
00:20:48,184 --> 00:20:51,280
Blue Label and give it wings, brother.
Call me.
377
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:10,012
You feel so real.
378
00:21:10,187 --> 00:21:13,055
Well, they are, honey. A hundred percent.
379
00:21:13,224 --> 00:21:18,221
I'm not sure what you've heard about me,
but I usually like to be bought a drink first.
380
00:21:19,301 --> 00:21:24,071
- You're not who I thought you were.
- Vonda Volcom, mother of the bride.
381
00:21:25,144 --> 00:21:31,712
Connor Mead, brother of the groom.
Please, sit, Vonda Volcom.
382
00:21:31,888 --> 00:21:33,447
- Thank you.
- Yes, ma'am.
383
00:21:33,624 --> 00:21:37,027
- Champagne for the lady.
VONDA: Lovely.
384
00:21:37,197 --> 00:21:40,225
- So how long have you been divorced?
- I beg your pardon?
385
00:21:40,402 --> 00:21:42,395
Please. I mean, you're ravishing.
386
00:21:42,573 --> 00:21:45,134
No married woman your age
keeps her form this fine.
387
00:21:45,310 --> 00:21:46,939
[LAUGHING]
388
00:21:48,381 --> 00:21:51,442
I've been divorced eight years now.
389
00:21:51,887 --> 00:21:54,289
Sarge and I aren't talking just yet.
390
00:21:55,159 --> 00:21:58,289
- It's juvenile and sad.
- Honey, stop right there.
391
00:21:58,464 --> 00:22:00,127
It's not your fault, okay?
392
00:22:00,301 --> 00:22:04,433
Marriage is a corrupt
and hateful institution.
393
00:22:04,608 --> 00:22:07,545
I covered all of this earlier
at another table.
394
00:22:07,713 --> 00:22:11,515
I wanna ask you something.
When did casual sex become a crime?
395
00:22:11,685 --> 00:22:12,709
[LAUGHING]
396
00:22:12,887 --> 00:22:14,686
CONNOR: I mean,
nowadays being single means...
397
00:22:14,857 --> 00:22:17,487
...what, you've lost your way?
That something is missing?
398
00:22:18,162 --> 00:22:22,762
Never mind that every night
I swim in a lake of sex...
399
00:22:22,938 --> 00:22:26,842
...and they fall asleep
in each others' arms, spooning.
400
00:22:28,213 --> 00:22:31,706
Connor, spooning is nice.
401
00:22:31,884 --> 00:22:34,821
Yeah, but not as nice as forking.
402
00:22:34,989 --> 00:22:37,186
- Am I right?
- Ha, ha. It's true.
403
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:40,296
Hey, you know what the owner of this place
once told me?
404
00:22:40,464 --> 00:22:44,336
He said, "Keep it light, Dutch.
Keep it light."
405
00:22:45,006 --> 00:22:48,171
I never understood
why he called me Dutch...
406
00:22:48,578 --> 00:22:52,847
...but I believe his wisdom still holds.
- That's nice.
407
00:22:53,019 --> 00:22:54,885
- I like that.
- Mm.
408
00:22:56,857 --> 00:23:01,025
Listen, darling, before we take this
to the next level, are we off-limits?
409
00:23:01,199 --> 00:23:03,600
I mean, technically we're not family
until tomorrow.
410
00:23:03,769 --> 00:23:06,741
I am extremely flattered.
411
00:23:06,909 --> 00:23:10,904
But, yes, we are definitely off-limits.
412
00:23:11,082 --> 00:23:14,884
That's a shame. I bet you know
your way around a bedroom.
413
00:23:15,055 --> 00:23:16,784
You always talk to women like this?
414
00:23:17,659 --> 00:23:18,921
Yes.
415
00:23:19,094 --> 00:23:21,496
VONDA: Does it work?
- Yes.
416
00:23:21,665 --> 00:23:23,156
[LAUGHING]
417
00:23:23,334 --> 00:23:28,469
Well, while I can't be of service to you,
I am sure that she can.
418
00:23:28,643 --> 00:23:33,083
Blonde, six o'clock?
Blue dress, legs up to her chin?
419
00:23:33,251 --> 00:23:37,245
That's the one. She's been eyeing you
the whole time we've been talking.
420
00:23:37,423 --> 00:23:40,519
- It's been a real pleasure talking to you.
- Likewise.
421
00:23:40,695 --> 00:23:43,495
CONNOR:
You are truly an inspiration.
422
00:23:45,436 --> 00:23:48,465
SANDRA: Hi. Excuse me.
I'm gonna steal her away just for a second.
423
00:23:48,642 --> 00:23:51,578
Jenny, come with me.
I have to give you your maid-of-honor gift.
424
00:23:51,746 --> 00:23:53,943
Remember that guy
I was telling you about, Brad?
425
00:23:54,117 --> 00:23:56,609
No, no. I told you,
I do not want to be set up again.
426
00:23:56,789 --> 00:23:59,486
I've been through it too many times.
Please don't make me.
427
00:23:59,659 --> 00:24:01,686
That's Brad.
428
00:24:01,862 --> 00:24:03,421
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
429
00:24:05,502 --> 00:24:06,970
Okay, but this is the last time.
430
00:24:07,138 --> 00:24:09,904
- How are my teeth?
- Clear. Perfect.
431
00:24:10,777 --> 00:24:13,771
- Just try to play it cool. Just no big deal.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
432
00:24:13,949 --> 00:24:16,579
Brad. This is Jenny.
433
00:24:16,754 --> 00:24:19,452
- Right. The hot, single doctor.
- Hi.
434
00:24:19,625 --> 00:24:21,650
Paul and Sandra
have been talking about you.
435
00:24:21,829 --> 00:24:25,824
I know what car you drive, where you
went to school, how many dogs you have.
436
00:24:26,001 --> 00:24:29,700
That is right. You're both animal people.
What are the odds?
437
00:24:29,874 --> 00:24:31,901
- So glad this isn't awkward.
- Right. Ahem.
438
00:24:32,078 --> 00:24:37,418
Oh, I forgot to tell you. Brad loves
to run triathlons too. I know, right?
439
00:24:37,588 --> 00:24:41,583
- Do you wanna go anywhere else?
- Yeah, I thought you'd never ask.
440
00:24:41,928 --> 00:24:44,693
BRAD: Bye.
- You guys have a good time, you crazy kids.
441
00:24:46,167 --> 00:24:48,637
- Hey, Connor.
- Hey.
442
00:24:48,805 --> 00:24:50,068
How you been?
443
00:24:50,241 --> 00:24:54,476
Well, I'm at a wedding,
I'm seeing ghosts in the john.
444
00:24:54,648 --> 00:24:56,640
- I've been better.
- All right.
445
00:24:56,818 --> 00:25:00,723
Well, what were you and Sandra's mom
talking about so intensely?
446
00:25:01,293 --> 00:25:02,726
Casual sex.
447
00:25:05,131 --> 00:25:08,125
So, what's your stance
on casual sex, bridesmaid?
448
00:25:08,303 --> 00:25:12,072
On top. I mean... I'm for it.
449
00:25:12,510 --> 00:25:15,743
Well, speaking of which,
I think I owe you an apology.
450
00:25:15,916 --> 00:25:20,288
I've enjoyed the company
of all the other bridesmaids except you.
451
00:25:20,456 --> 00:25:22,322
I mean, you must feel terribly left out.
452
00:25:23,796 --> 00:25:25,024
I do.
453
00:25:25,498 --> 00:25:30,369
Well, I do hope that there's some way
to rectify this injustice.
454
00:25:30,538 --> 00:25:35,137
Well, you know what I always say is,
"To think globally, act locally."
455
00:25:35,313 --> 00:25:36,440
[CHUCKLES]
456
00:25:36,615 --> 00:25:39,678
Listen, before I, uh, commence
the launch code:
457
00:25:41,089 --> 00:25:44,960
Are you the one my brother slept with?
Because I don't like to cross swords.
458
00:25:45,130 --> 00:25:49,796
Wait, what? Your brother slept
with one of the bridesmaids?
459
00:25:49,971 --> 00:25:52,463
Okay, I guess it wasn't you.
460
00:25:52,641 --> 00:25:57,104
Okay, from now on, I don't cross swords.
Listen, forget I even brought it up.
461
00:25:57,282 --> 00:26:01,449
Hey, why don't you scamper up
to my room, boil some water...
462
00:26:01,623 --> 00:26:05,117
...get the chicken claw out of my suitcase,
do some light stretching...
463
00:26:05,296 --> 00:26:07,060
...and I will be up in 5?
464
00:26:07,734 --> 00:26:09,793
Chicken claw. Okay.
465
00:26:09,968 --> 00:26:12,496
CONNOR: Chicken claw.
- Okay.
466
00:26:12,674 --> 00:26:17,079
Suitcase. Stretching. Scamper.
Five minutes.
467
00:26:17,248 --> 00:26:21,710
CONNOR: And that's how it's done, son.
That is how it's done.
468
00:26:22,189 --> 00:26:23,350
Does it work on guys?
469
00:26:25,193 --> 00:26:26,218
Probably.
470
00:26:26,396 --> 00:26:28,866
- Excuse me, mind if we take these seats?
- No, please.
471
00:26:29,034 --> 00:26:31,435
- All right.
- Oh, hello there, friend.
472
00:26:31,605 --> 00:26:33,470
- Hey.
- Connor Mead, brother of the groom.
473
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:36,075
- This is Brad.
- Frye. Nice to meet you.
474
00:26:36,245 --> 00:26:37,975
Nice to meet you.
475
00:26:38,148 --> 00:26:40,777
You must be the wedding sex
they flew in for Jenny here.
476
00:26:41,453 --> 00:26:44,948
And, uh, you must be the wedding sex
they brought in for everyone else.
477
00:26:45,126 --> 00:26:46,457
[LAUGHING]
478
00:26:46,628 --> 00:26:51,626
He's getting his little blush. He's gotten
that ever since he was a kid. It's adorable.
479
00:26:51,804 --> 00:26:55,469
Oh, honey, if I was jealous, why am I,
at this very moment, heading upstairs...
480
00:26:55,643 --> 00:26:57,737
...to close out my hat trick
of bridesmaids?
481
00:27:00,884 --> 00:27:05,119
Maybe you're terrified of being alone with
your empty hollow soul for even a minute.
482
00:27:05,926 --> 00:27:09,420
- You got a live one here, Brad.
- Yeah, look, maybe I'd better go.
483
00:27:09,599 --> 00:27:12,434
- No, Brad, you're staying.
- I'll go.
484
00:27:12,604 --> 00:27:14,265
Run along, Connor.
485
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:17,274
There's a bridesmaid waiting
to be partially satisfied.
486
00:27:17,444 --> 00:27:18,776
Absolutely.
487
00:27:18,947 --> 00:27:22,886
Brad, it's a pleasure. I hope you enjoy
pillow fights, talking about your feelings...
488
00:27:23,054 --> 00:27:25,523
...and sharing massages
with your clothes on.
489
00:27:26,091 --> 00:27:27,617
Jenny.
490
00:27:27,962 --> 00:27:29,123
Connor.
491
00:27:38,745 --> 00:27:40,475
I know...
492
00:27:42,886 --> 00:27:47,222
Brad. Guy probably irons his jeans.
493
00:27:48,361 --> 00:27:49,556
Well, that's more like it.
494
00:27:51,300 --> 00:27:54,863
And how is my little 6-foot,
legs-to-her-chin...
495
00:27:55,039 --> 00:27:58,134
...blond-haired, blue-eyed,
Happy Meal of a bridesmaid?
496
00:27:58,310 --> 00:28:00,006
- Hi, Connor! Ha, ha.
- Whoa!
497
00:28:00,180 --> 00:28:02,377
- Have you missed me?
- Who are you?
498
00:28:02,551 --> 00:28:05,647
What, you don't...? You don't remember?
499
00:28:09,328 --> 00:28:11,525
[HUMMING POISON'S
"NOTHING BUT A GOOD TIME"]
500
00:28:14,803 --> 00:28:16,466
Allison Vandermeersh?
501
00:28:17,074 --> 00:28:20,477
Connor Mead...
502
00:28:21,113 --> 00:28:22,137
...remembers me.
503
00:28:22,583 --> 00:28:25,075
I can die now. I'm just kidding.
I'm totally kidding.
504
00:28:25,253 --> 00:28:27,450
- What are you doing here?
- I'm like a ghost now.
505
00:28:27,624 --> 00:28:29,787
Yeah, the ghost of girlfriends past,
in fact.
506
00:28:31,965 --> 00:28:33,228
[GASPS]
507
00:28:35,003 --> 00:28:36,300
Oh, it tickles a little bit.
508
00:28:38,375 --> 00:28:40,845
- There.
- Connor?
509
00:28:43,415 --> 00:28:45,408
Really? You're gonna outrun a ghost?
510
00:28:48,358 --> 00:28:49,758
[SHOUTS]
511
00:28:51,196 --> 00:28:54,531
We could do this all day, dude.
512
00:28:55,937 --> 00:28:57,734
All right, you're not real.
513
00:28:57,907 --> 00:28:59,603
No, you can't be. You're...
514
00:28:59,776 --> 00:29:02,576
You're just a repressed memory,
activated by all the booze...
515
00:29:02,749 --> 00:29:07,688
...and the trauma of Paulie getting married.
But you, you are not real.
516
00:29:08,223 --> 00:29:10,351
- All right. Well, have a nice trip.
- Whoa.
517
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:12,862
See you next fall. Ha, ha.
518
00:29:14,299 --> 00:29:17,066
- Is that real enough for you, dude?
- Whoa, watch it.
519
00:29:17,238 --> 00:29:19,799
Be cool. All right,
what are you gonna do to me?
520
00:29:19,975 --> 00:29:21,500
Oh, no, it's gonna be rad, okay?
521
00:29:21,678 --> 00:29:24,514
I am gonna take you back
through all your past girlfriends...
522
00:29:24,684 --> 00:29:28,143
...then you and I can figure out
how you got your head so far up your ass.
523
00:29:28,322 --> 00:29:29,915
Ready, Freddie?
524
00:29:30,825 --> 00:29:31,850
[CONNOR SHOUTS]
525
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:36,791
[LAUGHING]
526
00:29:39,908 --> 00:29:40,843
Ta-da!
527
00:29:40,843 --> 00:29:41,638
Ta-da!
528
00:29:41,810 --> 00:29:43,473
All right, what the hell's going on?
529
00:29:43,647 --> 00:29:47,017
We're still at your Uncle Wayne's,
only now we're in 1982...
530
00:29:47,186 --> 00:29:50,453
...which is, of course,
the summer of your first relationship.
531
00:29:50,625 --> 00:29:52,093
JENNY:
Connor.
532
00:29:55,032 --> 00:29:59,368
Oh. Look at how cute you were.
I wanna squeeze you.
533
00:29:59,538 --> 00:30:00,563
- Yes!
ALLISON: Oh.
534
00:30:00,741 --> 00:30:02,472
And we knew who she was, of course.
535
00:30:02,645 --> 00:30:03,805
CONNOR:
Jenny Perotti.
536
00:30:04,547 --> 00:30:09,009
I win, 1:26 for you, 1:20 for me.
I beat you by 6.
537
00:30:09,187 --> 00:30:13,126
No way. It's your birthday.
I let you win as your gift.
538
00:30:13,294 --> 00:30:15,820
Uh-huh. Then what's that?
539
00:30:18,403 --> 00:30:22,604
- Can they see us?
ALLISON: No, we're ghosts.
540
00:30:25,914 --> 00:30:27,075
Get out.
541
00:30:27,618 --> 00:30:30,919
- Do you like it?
- Yeah, it's great.
542
00:30:31,090 --> 00:30:34,323
- You're the best, Jenny.
- Really?
543
00:30:34,729 --> 00:30:36,322
What else do you think of me?
544
00:30:37,633 --> 00:30:38,760
Oh.
545
00:30:39,336 --> 00:30:40,531
I don't know.
546
00:30:40,706 --> 00:30:44,144
- You see how young they start?
- Shh. Watch.
547
00:30:44,845 --> 00:30:46,542
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
548
00:30:46,716 --> 00:30:49,949
Line it up, buddy. Get in there.
549
00:31:12,657 --> 00:31:15,126
This doesn't even look like you.
550
00:31:15,294 --> 00:31:17,091
You look like a girl.
551
00:31:18,466 --> 00:31:19,695
What, Connor?
552
00:31:20,602 --> 00:31:22,469
This is my favorite part.
553
00:31:22,639 --> 00:31:24,336
I'm gonna keep it forever.
554
00:31:25,978 --> 00:31:30,442
- "I'm gonna keep it forever."
- I don't think I said that. Did you edit this?
555
00:31:32,221 --> 00:31:33,621
I'm gonna keep it forever.
556
00:31:33,791 --> 00:31:37,923
You sure that wasn't my brother?
He always said fruity stuff like that.
557
00:31:38,097 --> 00:31:40,932
I'm gonna keep it forever.
Forever. Forever.
558
00:31:41,103 --> 00:31:42,934
Okay, I get it. I said it.
559
00:31:43,573 --> 00:31:45,098
I'm gonna keep it forever.
560
00:31:46,478 --> 00:31:48,572
Not as dumb as he looks, folks.
561
00:31:52,454 --> 00:31:55,049
- Go.
- Wait. This doesn't count.
562
00:31:55,225 --> 00:31:57,627
I wasn't ready, cheater.
563
00:32:02,069 --> 00:32:03,469
Mom and Dad.
564
00:32:05,541 --> 00:32:09,446
ALLISON: This was the summer
before their car accident.
565
00:32:09,849 --> 00:32:11,112
[CHUCKLES]
566
00:32:11,618 --> 00:32:13,850
Look how happy they were.
567
00:32:19,932 --> 00:32:23,801
PRIEST: The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not want. He maketh me...
568
00:32:23,972 --> 00:32:27,535
ALLISON: Uncle Wayne, Paul and Jenny
were all you had left.
569
00:32:29,046 --> 00:32:31,607
She knew you before you became...
570
00:32:31,783 --> 00:32:33,514
...you.
571
00:32:36,425 --> 00:32:38,052
CONNOR:
All right.
572
00:32:39,029 --> 00:32:40,122
All right, what's next?
573
00:32:40,298 --> 00:32:42,291
[MEN WITHOUT HATS' "SAFETY DANCE"
PLAYS ON SPEAKERS]
574
00:32:49,178 --> 00:32:51,705
Middle school? Really?
575
00:32:57,025 --> 00:33:00,930
- You remember this, right?
- Pretty sure I intentionally blocked it out.
576
00:33:01,365 --> 00:33:02,924
ALLISON:
Whoo!
577
00:33:03,101 --> 00:33:04,728
Surely we don't have time for this.
578
00:33:04,903 --> 00:33:08,433
ALLISON: As you and Jenny got older, you
tried to make that super-tough transition...
579
00:33:08,610 --> 00:33:11,877
...from being best friends
to maybe being boyfriend/girlfriend.
580
00:33:12,049 --> 00:33:14,781
- This dance is so lame.
- Totally.
581
00:33:16,456 --> 00:33:19,917
I don't know why, but there's something
creepy about the white-glove thing.
582
00:33:20,096 --> 00:33:21,893
Oh, yeah.
583
00:33:25,104 --> 00:33:26,129
Nice move.
584
00:33:26,305 --> 00:33:29,367
Who's "ooh-ing" who,
Franklin Middle School?
585
00:33:29,544 --> 00:33:32,343
I'm gonna slow it down right now...
586
00:33:32,514 --> 00:33:39,118
...so guys, grab that special girl
and head on out to the dance floor.
587
00:33:39,293 --> 00:33:40,852
[EASY LISTENING MUSIC
PLAYS ON SPEAKERS]
588
00:33:41,029 --> 00:33:42,895
Ask her to dance, man.
589
00:33:43,366 --> 00:33:45,529
She's begging for it. Ask her.
590
00:33:45,703 --> 00:33:48,195
- So...
- Jenny! Oh, my God, Jenny.
591
00:33:48,374 --> 00:33:52,336
Neil just told Suzy that Pete Hastings
wants to slow dance with you.
592
00:33:52,514 --> 00:33:54,847
Pete Hastings is totally gorge.
593
00:33:56,420 --> 00:34:00,689
No, Pete Hastings is now bald and doing
Civil War reenactments on the weekends.
594
00:34:00,861 --> 00:34:03,798
MARISSA:
Yeah, and he's gonna wanna make out.
595
00:34:03,967 --> 00:34:06,436
Yeah, and he's a ninth grader,
so that means tongue.
596
00:34:07,004 --> 00:34:09,874
Oh, my God, I can't believe
how lucky you are. Pete Hastings.
597
00:34:10,043 --> 00:34:11,533
[BOTH SCREAM]
598
00:34:17,687 --> 00:34:18,882
Okay, I guess.
599
00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:20,389
MARISSA & CLARISSA:
Yes! Ha, ha.
600
00:34:20,860 --> 00:34:22,384
Yeah, but...
601
00:34:23,364 --> 00:34:24,389
[SIGHS]
602
00:34:28,205 --> 00:34:31,735
That dude used to get boners
in the gym shower. Don't sweat it.
603
00:34:31,911 --> 00:34:33,709
But at least he didn't choke.
604
00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:37,909
Hey, I didn't choke, all right?
I could've closed if I wanted to.
605
00:34:38,187 --> 00:34:39,519
[ALLISON CHOKING]
606
00:34:39,690 --> 00:34:42,422
I was being a gentleman.
607
00:34:44,263 --> 00:34:45,390
ALLISON:
I can't breathe.
608
00:34:51,577 --> 00:34:54,842
You know what? You didn't wanna
hit that anyway, little man.
609
00:35:13,245 --> 00:35:16,408
Hey, kid. What's with the waterworks?
610
00:35:17,083 --> 00:35:18,108
Jenny.
611
00:35:19,821 --> 00:35:21,915
- Pregnant?
- No.
612
00:35:22,091 --> 00:35:23,685
Crabs?
613
00:35:24,529 --> 00:35:25,554
No.
614
00:35:25,731 --> 00:35:28,861
Took her to the coat room,
found out she had a tenpin up her dress?
615
00:35:29,036 --> 00:35:30,835
Don't worry, it happens to all of us.
616
00:35:31,574 --> 00:35:33,064
Wait, what?
617
00:35:34,011 --> 00:35:36,140
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
So, what happened?
618
00:35:36,315 --> 00:35:39,911
Jenny kissed Pete Hastings tonight.
619
00:35:40,086 --> 00:35:43,217
Her first kiss. Now everything is ruined.
620
00:35:43,392 --> 00:35:45,862
I don't even know
if we're gonna get married anymore.
621
00:35:46,030 --> 00:35:47,795
Trust me, kid, you dodged a bullet.
622
00:35:47,967 --> 00:35:51,905
You don't wanna be anybody's first kiss,
or their last.
623
00:35:52,073 --> 00:35:55,306
Say what you will,
that man was a visionary.
624
00:35:55,478 --> 00:35:58,211
You know he invented the word "MILF"?
625
00:35:58,384 --> 00:36:01,946
What am I gonna do?
I've never felt this way before.
626
00:36:02,122 --> 00:36:04,922
I feel like someone has punched me
straight in the stomach...
627
00:36:05,094 --> 00:36:08,361
...and I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
God, I hate girls!
628
00:36:08,533 --> 00:36:09,831
[TIRES SQUEALING]
629
00:36:12,072 --> 00:36:13,974
That's sissy talk.
630
00:36:14,142 --> 00:36:17,739
Never talk like that
in the stabbing wagon.
631
00:36:17,915 --> 00:36:22,013
- Uncle Wayne, where are your seat belts?
- Again with the sissy talk.
632
00:36:23,957 --> 00:36:27,395
He never wore seat belts. Never.
633
00:36:27,931 --> 00:36:32,803
Look, kid,
I'm, uh, sorry I raised my voice at you.
634
00:36:32,972 --> 00:36:36,706
Being a parent ain't exactly
my chosen profession, you know?
635
00:36:37,213 --> 00:36:43,086
I mean, I can't teach you algebra,
or camping, or even ethics.
636
00:36:44,991 --> 00:36:47,655
But when it comes to dames...
637
00:36:48,765 --> 00:36:52,225
...l've got a gift.
- Really?
638
00:36:53,005 --> 00:36:56,875
Because I will do anything you say.
639
00:36:57,345 --> 00:37:00,942
I never wanna feel like this again. Ever.
640
00:37:01,117 --> 00:37:03,246
Okay, Dutch.
641
00:37:03,656 --> 00:37:05,385
Never again.
642
00:37:05,557 --> 00:37:06,582
Hang on.
643
00:37:13,404 --> 00:37:18,743
- Are we in a bar?
- Think of it like a classroom.
644
00:37:40,849 --> 00:37:44,184
Hiya, Tommy. Two Jacks. Up, please.
645
00:37:44,354 --> 00:37:48,020
Dutch, try that old saddle out for size.
646
00:37:50,263 --> 00:37:53,462
Rule number one: Don't look at them.
647
00:37:53,636 --> 00:37:56,868
Dames, they're like horses.
They spook easy.
648
00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:58,907
Cheers, Dutch.
649
00:38:02,216 --> 00:38:03,241
[LAUGHING]
650
00:38:03,419 --> 00:38:05,945
Rule number two:
Never soil your wingman.
651
00:38:06,122 --> 00:38:08,354
- Sorry.
- You're learning on your feet.
652
00:38:08,527 --> 00:38:11,257
You know, if we were actually out,
uh, chasing tail tonight...
653
00:38:11,430 --> 00:38:13,901
...l'd turn your gaffe into a funny.
654
00:38:14,068 --> 00:38:18,166
Girls, they love to laugh.
Especially at men.
655
00:38:18,341 --> 00:38:22,974
Makes them feel more powerful, which
in turn makes them feel more comfortable.
656
00:38:23,149 --> 00:38:26,087
Which in turn makes them prone
to massive errors in judgment...
657
00:38:26,255 --> 00:38:30,284
...like, having sex with a complete stranger
in the port authority bathroom. Ha, ha.
658
00:38:30,462 --> 00:38:32,693
But I'm not even supposed
to talk to strangers.
659
00:38:32,865 --> 00:38:35,130
No, that's good, that's good.
No talking is good.
660
00:38:35,303 --> 00:38:39,105
No phone numbers, no last names.
Hey, no first names if you can swing it.
661
00:38:39,275 --> 00:38:41,677
Will somebody please
call Child Protective Services?
662
00:38:41,847 --> 00:38:43,543
Shh. Quiet, the prophet speaks.
663
00:38:43,717 --> 00:38:47,246
See, kid, an ugly broad, you might as well
take her out behind the shed...
664
00:38:47,423 --> 00:38:49,984
...and put one behind the ear.
That dog won't hunt.
665
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:52,722
But any dude with a johnson,
he's got a shot...
666
00:38:52,898 --> 00:38:57,803
...because cool comes from the inside.
- God, I miss that man.
667
00:38:57,973 --> 00:38:59,441
WAYNE:
So here's a couple of tips.
668
00:38:59,609 --> 00:39:04,447
When you first meet a girl, you give her
two compliments, above the neck.
669
00:39:04,617 --> 00:39:08,077
You tell her she's got nice lips,
nice eyes, nice hair...
670
00:39:08,256 --> 00:39:11,819
...she's intelligent, her moral ethics,
whatever crap comes to your mind.
671
00:39:11,995 --> 00:39:15,229
Then, just when she begins to think
that you're another, you know...
672
00:39:15,401 --> 00:39:19,305
...vanilla-nice guy that she can tool around
with all night without getting naked...
673
00:39:20,141 --> 00:39:25,981
...you insult her. Flip the power dynamic,
and you let her know you're here to play.
674
00:39:26,151 --> 00:39:30,420
- Well, Jenny said she doesn't like games.
- Forget about that broad.
675
00:39:30,592 --> 00:39:34,291
- I thought all this was to get her back.
- That's why you gotta forget about her.
676
00:39:34,464 --> 00:39:37,867
It's your feelings for her
that are killing your game.
677
00:39:38,405 --> 00:39:42,241
If there's one thing
that you learn tonight, it's this:
678
00:39:42,411 --> 00:39:47,647
The power of a relationship lies
with whoever cares less.
679
00:39:49,855 --> 00:39:51,620
Amen to that, brother.
680
00:39:51,793 --> 00:39:54,423
One day you're gonna wake up
with some chick, spooning...
681
00:39:54,598 --> 00:39:56,226
...you know, thinking about love.
682
00:39:56,400 --> 00:39:58,528
And at that moment,
you have gotta get up.
683
00:39:58,705 --> 00:40:01,606
Do not walk, don't get your shoes,
run the hell out of there.
684
00:40:01,774 --> 00:40:04,040
Because maybe not the next day
or the next week...
685
00:40:04,212 --> 00:40:07,945
...but sometime in the future,
you're gonna get crushed. Again.
686
00:40:08,753 --> 00:40:10,746
- You don't wanna feel that way, do you?
- No.
687
00:40:10,924 --> 00:40:12,687
- No.
- Yep.
688
00:40:12,859 --> 00:40:17,857
Okay, so, uh, let's get down
to brass tacks here.
689
00:40:18,435 --> 00:40:22,840
Say I wanted to pick up
on that ice-cold blond at eight o'clock.
690
00:40:23,009 --> 00:40:25,946
Eight o'clock? How did you even see her?
691
00:40:26,115 --> 00:40:28,914
We'll deal with reflective surfaces
at another time.
692
00:40:29,085 --> 00:40:31,921
Should I, uh, get a handful a daisies,
then go:
693
00:40:32,091 --> 00:40:34,059
"Hi, you wanna go to the disco with me?"
694
00:40:34,227 --> 00:40:35,787
Uh...
695
00:40:35,964 --> 00:40:36,989
- No?
- No.
696
00:40:37,166 --> 00:40:40,535
No, because I might as well say,
"I'm a fag. Let's be friends."
697
00:40:40,705 --> 00:40:45,576
So, what would be a smart play?
Have some fun with it. What do you think?
698
00:40:46,313 --> 00:40:48,111
I don't know. I mean...
699
00:40:48,283 --> 00:40:51,914
...you could maybe
talk to the girl next to her?
700
00:40:52,089 --> 00:40:53,854
You know, maybe make her feel jealous?
701
00:40:57,532 --> 00:41:03,475
Hand to God, kid, I never felt
like you were my son until now.
702
00:41:07,013 --> 00:41:10,918
Man, I don't know why we didn't have
this conversation years ago, huh?
703
00:41:11,555 --> 00:41:14,116
Well, that's enough for one night.
Let's hit the bricks.
704
00:41:14,292 --> 00:41:16,159
- But what about the blond?
- No, no, no.
705
00:41:16,329 --> 00:41:19,630
- You gotta throw the small ones back.
- Come on.
706
00:41:19,801 --> 00:41:22,533
- I mean, it just wouldn't be right.
CONNOR: Please?
707
00:41:25,276 --> 00:41:26,869
This elevator's going down.
708
00:41:27,046 --> 00:41:30,244
Here we go.
Watch this move. Watch this move.
709
00:41:33,256 --> 00:41:37,696
I gotta say, I remember
the ladies being a bit more glamorous.
710
00:41:40,134 --> 00:41:41,397
[BOTH LAUGHING]
711
00:41:45,175 --> 00:41:49,512
And that, Dutch, is how it's done.
That's how it's done.
712
00:41:49,682 --> 00:41:51,582
But you just struck out.
713
00:41:51,752 --> 00:41:56,088
You know, just because she's not into that
doesn't mean I'm not.
714
00:41:57,962 --> 00:41:59,521
I've got a gift.
715
00:42:01,001 --> 00:42:05,668
Oh, well, hello, darling.
What took you so long? Hi.
716
00:42:05,842 --> 00:42:07,276
And you were never the same.
717
00:42:08,179 --> 00:42:09,876
Come on. Whoo!
718
00:42:16,258 --> 00:42:17,816
CONNOR:
Vicky's basement.
719
00:42:17,994 --> 00:42:21,489
Yeah, I'd recognize that bachy smell
from anywhere.
720
00:42:21,668 --> 00:42:24,297
ALLISON: Oh, I know, it smells good.
Oh, there's Jenny.
721
00:42:24,872 --> 00:42:28,504
You didn't see her for two years
while you learned at the hand of the master.
722
00:42:31,250 --> 00:42:33,776
BO Y:
Hey, Connor's here.
723
00:42:41,565 --> 00:42:44,867
I, uh, got the new Poison.
724
00:42:47,643 --> 00:42:49,236
It's Connor Mead.
725
00:42:49,412 --> 00:42:52,645
CLARISSA: I heard his uncle homeschooled
him in Vegas for the last two years.
726
00:42:52,818 --> 00:42:54,718
MARISSA:
Really? I heard it was Bangkok.
727
00:42:57,157 --> 00:42:59,821
BO Y 1: Okay, it has been too long.
BO Y 2: Yeah!
728
00:42:59,996 --> 00:43:02,557
GIRL 1: Yeah!
GIRL 2: All right!
729
00:43:04,202 --> 00:43:06,434
- Nice move, buddy.
- Yeah.
730
00:43:06,606 --> 00:43:10,443
See, the worst part about your
uncle's advice was it actually worked.
731
00:43:10,613 --> 00:43:12,047
Thank God, Uncle Wayne.
732
00:43:14,052 --> 00:43:16,248
MARISSA:
He so doesn't wanna talk to you.
733
00:43:16,422 --> 00:43:19,358
He looks like Duran Duran, both of them.
734
00:43:21,797 --> 00:43:24,198
Look, it's me.
Oh, my God, it's me, it's me. Ha, ha.
735
00:43:26,505 --> 00:43:31,605
Oh, my God.
We dated for the next 39 minutes...
736
00:43:31,781 --> 00:43:35,514
...and it was the best two-thirds of an hour
in my young life.
737
00:43:37,389 --> 00:43:39,722
Look at how happy we were.
738
00:43:39,893 --> 00:43:44,629
But, alas, our love was not meant to be.
739
00:43:46,403 --> 00:43:49,033
I mean, you didn't get the girl
that you really loved...
740
00:43:49,208 --> 00:43:51,905
...but you did get every other girl
in high school.
741
00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:55,985
Starting with me that very night.
You remember that, your first time?
742
00:43:56,153 --> 00:44:01,058
- No, no, no. I don't wanna see that.
- Oh, no, don't worry, it didn't last very...
743
00:44:01,227 --> 00:44:02,251
It's over.
744
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:13,903
Connor Mead's first sex partner.
It's like, I feel...
745
00:44:14,081 --> 00:44:17,918
I feel like Neil Armstrong.
It's really the only thing I could equate...
746
00:44:18,088 --> 00:44:20,923
...you know, to what I did for you.
747
00:44:21,093 --> 00:44:25,623
You know, him on the moon,
me with you, it's like he was the first.
748
00:44:26,134 --> 00:44:28,366
You know, like,
Jenny was your first love...
749
00:44:28,538 --> 00:44:32,271
...but you had to grow 12 inches of hair
before you saw her again.
750
00:44:32,445 --> 00:44:36,281
Now, to my way of thinking,
every woman is beautiful in some way.
751
00:44:36,451 --> 00:44:39,787
I just have to figure out how.
I've gotta see it, I've gotta frame it...
752
00:44:39,957 --> 00:44:41,015
...l've gotta focus it.
753
00:44:41,192 --> 00:44:42,285
[POPS]
754
00:44:42,461 --> 00:44:44,362
And then I shoot it.
Yeah, and it's immortalized.
755
00:44:44,531 --> 00:44:47,228
WOMAN: Jenny, you want another Zima?
JENNY: Oh, no, I'm good, thanks.
756
00:44:47,401 --> 00:44:49,371
CONNOR:
Jenny Perotti.
757
00:44:49,739 --> 00:44:51,469
Connor Mead.
758
00:44:51,642 --> 00:44:53,976
- Hey.
CONNOR: Hey, it's me.
759
00:44:54,146 --> 00:44:56,741
- You look gorgeous, darling.
- Oh.
760
00:44:56,917 --> 00:44:59,251
Thank you, darling.
761
00:44:59,421 --> 00:45:02,085
Uh, ladies, you're gonna have to excuse me
for a moment.
762
00:45:02,259 --> 00:45:06,027
I must buy a drink for the girl who blew
me off for Pete Hastings in high school.
763
00:45:06,199 --> 00:45:09,135
- I didn't blow you off, you choked.
CONNOR: I was slow playing you.
764
00:45:09,304 --> 00:45:10,704
- You choked.
- Excuse us for...
765
00:45:10,873 --> 00:45:13,274
Slow playing me?
For what, 10 years? Please.
766
00:45:13,443 --> 00:45:15,640
All right, maybe I choked.
767
00:45:15,814 --> 00:45:18,341
- So... Yeah.
- Jenny Perotti.
768
00:45:18,519 --> 00:45:20,579
What are you doing with all the women?
769
00:45:20,755 --> 00:45:23,693
I work for Herb Ritts.
You know, the famous photographer?
770
00:45:23,862 --> 00:45:26,263
- You're a photographer?
CONNOR: I am.
771
00:45:26,665 --> 00:45:29,726
- I gave you your first camera.
CONNOR: You sure did.
772
00:45:29,903 --> 00:45:32,601
- So, what are you...? What are you doing?
JENNY: I'm a doctor.
773
00:45:32,774 --> 00:45:35,266
- Well, first-year resident, but...
- Yeah.
774
00:45:35,445 --> 00:45:38,713
- But Herb Ritts. God, that's impressive.
- Yeah, I'm his second shooter.
775
00:45:38,885 --> 00:45:41,651
JENNY: That's great.
- I bank north of 150K a year.
776
00:45:41,823 --> 00:45:45,284
- It's totally killer, I love my job. Hector.
- Yeah?
777
00:45:45,463 --> 00:45:48,490
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
778
00:45:48,667 --> 00:45:52,435
JENNY: I can't believe you just said that.
- I can't believe I just said that either.
779
00:45:52,606 --> 00:45:55,942
You told me your salary, and then
spoke Spanish to the old white guy.
780
00:45:56,113 --> 00:45:58,844
- You're totally cheesy now.
- Get out. I am not.
781
00:45:59,017 --> 00:46:02,114
- You gonna try to get me in the sack now?
- I'm the same old Connor.
782
00:46:02,290 --> 00:46:04,782
Damn right I'm gonna try
and get you in the sack now.
783
00:46:04,960 --> 00:46:07,430
Look at you, you are gorgeous.
What did you think?
784
00:46:07,598 --> 00:46:10,864
I was inviting you over here to have a drink
just to see how you been?
785
00:46:11,971 --> 00:46:14,600
- How have you been?
- Great.
786
00:46:14,776 --> 00:46:18,043
Pete Hastings and I are still together,
madly in love.
787
00:46:18,215 --> 00:46:21,778
- Damn it. I knew it.
- We live in a split-level in Jersey. It's love.
788
00:46:21,955 --> 00:46:25,518
- That son of a bitch.
- Lot of slow dancing, making out, tongue.
789
00:46:25,694 --> 00:46:27,891
And every now and then
I put on the red dress...
790
00:46:28,065 --> 00:46:30,500
CONNOR: No, pink. Pink dress.
...let him cup my bottom.
791
00:46:30,668 --> 00:46:32,864
- The hot-pink dress.
- What?
792
00:46:33,038 --> 00:46:38,104
That's the dress you were wearing when
you were dancing with Pete instead of me.
793
00:46:38,280 --> 00:46:39,909
WOMAN:
Hey, Jen?
794
00:46:40,551 --> 00:46:41,916
We're leaving.
795
00:46:42,086 --> 00:46:44,454
But we can wait...
796
00:46:45,025 --> 00:46:46,492
Um...
797
00:46:47,996 --> 00:46:50,661
Nope. I'm going, thanks.
798
00:46:50,835 --> 00:46:54,795
- Whoa, just like that?
- Well, it was great seeing you.
799
00:46:54,973 --> 00:46:56,533
- Jenny.
- Take care.
800
00:46:56,710 --> 00:46:58,701
- Hang on a second.
- Come on.
801
00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:01,145
You gotta at least give me your number.
802
00:47:01,318 --> 00:47:03,913
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do, doc.
803
00:47:04,088 --> 00:47:08,152
I have a medical condition that I need to see
you about, and by law you have to help me.
804
00:47:08,328 --> 00:47:10,093
- What's your medical condition?
- Broken heart.
805
00:47:10,265 --> 00:47:11,290
[CHUCKLES]
806
00:47:11,467 --> 00:47:14,164
Come on. Come on, we'll go out.
We'll have fun.
807
00:47:14,339 --> 00:47:17,673
We'll have a little dinner,
have a little sex.
808
00:47:17,911 --> 00:47:20,540
- Okay, okay, just sex.
- How about just dinner?
809
00:47:20,715 --> 00:47:21,876
[GRO ANS]
810
00:47:22,051 --> 00:47:23,110
JENNY:
Fine. Suit yourself.
811
00:47:23,888 --> 00:47:26,255
He's all yours, girls.
812
00:47:26,792 --> 00:47:30,389
All right, dinner's good. Dinner's good.
813
00:47:30,864 --> 00:47:33,096
Yeah. I love dinner.
814
00:47:33,269 --> 00:47:35,535
You know what?
I'm pretty hungry right now.
815
00:47:35,706 --> 00:47:38,609
- What do you say?
- All right. Well, on one condition.
816
00:47:38,777 --> 00:47:39,802
We gotta...
817
00:47:40,347 --> 00:47:42,816
We gotta button you up.
You look like a gay pirate.
818
00:47:44,821 --> 00:47:48,224
- Am I gonna have to call a cab for you?
- No, no, I live here.
819
00:47:48,393 --> 00:47:49,418
Oh, nice building.
820
00:47:49,595 --> 00:47:51,462
- Oh, yeah. Thanks.
- You could upgrade...
821
00:47:51,632 --> 00:47:54,967
...if you banked north of 150K a year...
- And fifty thousand dollars!
822
00:47:55,138 --> 00:47:56,663
...like I do!
823
00:47:56,841 --> 00:48:00,107
JENNY: You gotta learn to say that
in Spanish for Hector.
824
00:48:00,278 --> 00:48:03,613
Wow, that self-deprecating shtick
really works.
825
00:48:03,784 --> 00:48:06,653
I might have to put that back
in my playbook.
826
00:48:06,823 --> 00:48:10,283
I'm genuinely concerned that you might be
missing the entire point of this.
827
00:48:10,462 --> 00:48:14,093
- Good night.
CONNOR: Well, hang on a second.
828
00:48:14,268 --> 00:48:16,966
Let me help you carry your luggage up.
829
00:48:17,140 --> 00:48:21,772
- No. We just met today, sort of.
- What are you talking about?
830
00:48:21,946 --> 00:48:22,971
- No.
- Hey.
831
00:48:23,149 --> 00:48:25,675
We've known each other our whole lives.
832
00:48:25,853 --> 00:48:27,981
It's been too great a night
to end it out here.
833
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:32,286
You've gotten really good at this.
834
00:48:33,699 --> 00:48:37,102
But you cannot come up.
I don't want this to be a one-night thing.
835
00:48:37,773 --> 00:48:40,403
So you've gotta woo me.
836
00:48:40,578 --> 00:48:44,071
Why woo when we can just do?
837
00:48:44,249 --> 00:48:45,717
- Ha, ha.
- Huh?
838
00:48:45,885 --> 00:48:48,515
The wooing is actually not for my benefit.
839
00:48:51,028 --> 00:48:52,461
Mm.
840
00:48:59,341 --> 00:49:02,836
I can't believe she called me
on my crap like that.
841
00:49:03,747 --> 00:49:06,843
That is not at all how I remember it.
842
00:49:10,024 --> 00:49:11,515
So, what's next?
843
00:49:11,694 --> 00:49:15,598
Well, now we're gonna watch
a romantic montage of you and Jenny...
844
00:49:15,767 --> 00:49:18,397
...set to Cyndi Lauper's
"Time After Time."
845
00:49:21,878 --> 00:49:23,244
[SHOUTING]
846
00:49:46,517 --> 00:49:48,917
Awake me when
there's an action sequence, will you?
847
00:49:49,087 --> 00:49:50,555
Shh.
848
00:49:50,723 --> 00:49:52,248
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
849
00:49:55,531 --> 00:49:57,626
- Hello, ladies, how are you?
- Oh, good.
850
00:49:59,237 --> 00:50:00,865
JENNY:
Great. Thank you so much.
851
00:50:01,041 --> 00:50:04,341
Everything was great.
Do you have a dessert menu?
852
00:50:08,119 --> 00:50:09,142
What are you...?
853
00:50:15,195 --> 00:50:19,431
ALLISON: And then,
after several weeks of wooing...
854
00:50:24,078 --> 00:50:26,013
Ah, here we go.
855
00:50:27,082 --> 00:50:28,449
Whoo!
856
00:50:32,124 --> 00:50:34,092
CONNOR:
Oh, yeah.
857
00:50:35,328 --> 00:50:36,921
That was amazing.
858
00:50:37,098 --> 00:50:41,094
I can't imagine why.
We only had 20 years of foreplay.
859
00:50:41,271 --> 00:50:42,899
[CHUCKLES]
860
00:50:55,293 --> 00:50:57,422
CONNOR:
Oh, yeah.
861
00:51:03,341 --> 00:51:05,503
- What are you doing?
- Uh, I gotta get home.
862
00:51:05,678 --> 00:51:08,342
I got something early in the morning
I gotta take care of.
863
00:51:08,516 --> 00:51:11,248
Yeah, me too. The alarm is already set.
864
00:51:11,721 --> 00:51:15,181
Look, Jenny, I don't, uh, stay over,
you know what I mean?
865
00:51:15,360 --> 00:51:19,162
Wait, Connor, listen.
There are two types of women in this world.
866
00:51:19,332 --> 00:51:22,997
Women you shag and leave,
and women you shag and snuggle.
867
00:51:23,173 --> 00:51:26,143
Regrettably,
I'm the shag-and-snuggle kind.
868
00:51:26,310 --> 00:51:30,307
So you have 3 seconds
to get back in this bed where you belong...
869
00:51:30,485 --> 00:51:33,148
...and where, deep down,
you actually wanna be.
870
00:51:33,322 --> 00:51:36,760
Or you can march out of my apartment
and never call me again.
871
00:51:36,928 --> 00:51:38,452
One...
872
00:51:39,031 --> 00:51:40,556
...two...
873
00:51:45,575 --> 00:51:46,702
Three.
874
00:51:51,551 --> 00:51:54,386
Not as dumb as he looks, folks.
875
00:51:55,692 --> 00:51:59,255
This is the moment
you truly fell in love with Jenny.
876
00:51:59,663 --> 00:52:01,860
You completely let her in.
877
00:52:02,335 --> 00:52:06,866
And this is the moment that you realized
you were spooning.
878
00:52:09,180 --> 00:52:11,843
So you did what you do best.
879
00:52:33,686 --> 00:52:35,416
[GRO ANS]
880
00:52:41,532 --> 00:52:43,125
CONNOR:
All right, I don't wanna see this.
881
00:52:43,301 --> 00:52:44,326
Of course not.
882
00:52:44,503 --> 00:52:45,630
[PHONE RINGING]
883
00:52:47,341 --> 00:52:48,900
I called.
884
00:52:49,077 --> 00:52:51,547
Good. I don't remember calling.
885
00:52:51,715 --> 00:52:53,308
Hello?
886
00:52:53,818 --> 00:52:55,343
Oh.
887
00:52:56,723 --> 00:52:58,659
No, this is Dr. Perotti.
888
00:52:59,962 --> 00:53:01,863
Okay. Yup.
889
00:53:02,032 --> 00:53:04,092
I'll be there in 15.
890
00:53:05,003 --> 00:53:06,664
Okay, good.
891
00:53:15,553 --> 00:53:20,620
And that was the last stop
before you officially became Connor Mead.
892
00:53:22,130 --> 00:53:25,364
Come on. I'll buy you a drink.
893
00:53:34,651 --> 00:53:38,350
After Jenny, your relationships
grew shorter and shorter.
894
00:53:38,523 --> 00:53:41,393
So short, in fact, that it would be easier
to do this in bulk.
895
00:53:41,562 --> 00:53:44,123
- You remember Amy, the stewardess?
- Hey, Connor.
896
00:53:44,300 --> 00:53:49,501
We had plane sex somewhere over Albany.
And Rochester. And South Bend, Indiana.
897
00:53:49,675 --> 00:53:51,268
Triple whammy.
898
00:53:52,046 --> 00:53:54,037
BOTH [IN UNISON]:
You slept with my sister.
899
00:53:54,214 --> 00:53:56,777
I was Shawna back then.
A waitress at the Palm.
900
00:53:56,954 --> 00:53:59,753
- We had coatroom sex on my smoke break.
- That was you?
901
00:53:59,924 --> 00:54:03,385
[IN CHINESE]
902
00:54:05,367 --> 00:54:06,892
WOMAN 1:
We dated for two days.
903
00:54:07,070 --> 00:54:08,801
- For an hour.
- For 48 seconds.
904
00:54:08,974 --> 00:54:11,033
WOMAN 2: We had sex in your car.
- On your car.
905
00:54:11,209 --> 00:54:12,575
While I washed your car.
906
00:54:12,745 --> 00:54:14,942
- You never called me again.
- Never called again.
907
00:54:15,116 --> 00:54:18,713
Every time you slept with me,
you called me Jenny.
908
00:54:19,189 --> 00:54:21,317
CONNOR:
Right. How much more of this do I have?
909
00:54:21,492 --> 00:54:22,721
Um, a lot.
910
00:54:24,264 --> 00:54:25,664
CONNOR:
Oh, wow.
911
00:54:25,834 --> 00:54:28,565
Okay, this is getting kind of weird.
912
00:54:28,738 --> 00:54:31,642
WOMAN 3: We miss you, Connor.
WOMAN 4: Connor, stay with us.
913
00:54:31,810 --> 00:54:34,438
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
914
00:54:34,613 --> 00:54:37,083
WOMAN 5: I need you, Connor.
CONNOR: Hey, back off.
915
00:54:38,487 --> 00:54:41,890
CONNOR: Get off!
WOMAN 6: I'm obsessed with you, Connor.
916
00:54:42,060 --> 00:54:43,425
CONNOR:
Get off!
917
00:54:43,595 --> 00:54:45,257
WOMAN 7: I love you, Connor!
- Get...
918
00:54:45,832 --> 00:54:47,300
Ow!
919
00:54:47,468 --> 00:54:49,096
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
920
00:54:49,271 --> 00:54:51,069
Nightmare.
921
00:54:52,811 --> 00:54:54,300
Alcohol.
922
00:54:54,478 --> 00:54:58,315
It's not complicated.
Our guests are represented by the Allies.
923
00:54:58,485 --> 00:55:01,149
VOLCOM:
Paul, you and your guests are Nazis.
924
00:55:01,323 --> 00:55:02,916
I'll try not to read into that, sir.
925
00:55:03,093 --> 00:55:05,996
VOLCOM: Blue frogmen are non-requisite
support personnel.
926
00:55:06,165 --> 00:55:09,399
Waiters, photographers, caterers,
band members and so forth.
927
00:55:09,571 --> 00:55:12,132
Oh, Donna, look.
You got a grenade launcher.
928
00:55:12,308 --> 00:55:15,474
Oh, my God, I love grenade launchers.
Thank you.
929
00:55:15,648 --> 00:55:18,310
Daddy, you're not showing off
your seating chart, are you?
930
00:55:18,484 --> 00:55:22,924
VOLCOM: Oh, come on. It's perfect.
DONNA: It's really impeccable.
931
00:55:24,394 --> 00:55:26,091
DEENA:
I didn't even get a machine gun.
932
00:55:26,264 --> 00:55:28,392
Alcohol. Alcohol.
933
00:55:32,774 --> 00:55:34,174
Alcohol.
934
00:55:40,487 --> 00:55:42,650
What's left in here?
935
00:55:43,290 --> 00:55:44,918
All right.
936
00:55:47,866 --> 00:55:49,128
[GRO ANS]
937
00:55:49,467 --> 00:55:51,027
[GRO ANS]
938
00:55:56,045 --> 00:55:57,513
Oh. Oh. Uh...
939
00:55:57,681 --> 00:55:59,378
Not good.
940
00:56:00,084 --> 00:56:03,147
Okay, not good. Not good.
Where's the leg?
941
00:56:03,824 --> 00:56:05,258
Okay.
942
00:56:07,329 --> 00:56:08,729
[GRO ANING]
943
00:56:14,275 --> 00:56:16,642
Something to hold you up.
944
00:56:16,811 --> 00:56:18,279
Bottle.
945
00:56:19,283 --> 00:56:20,615
Okay, that'll work.
946
00:56:24,658 --> 00:56:27,492
Okay, sarge and Sandy.
947
00:56:27,662 --> 00:56:29,427
Yeah, there you go.
948
00:56:29,599 --> 00:56:31,899
And Paul and Mrs. Volcom.
949
00:56:32,070 --> 00:56:33,537
VONDA:
Try to keep up, son.
950
00:56:33,705 --> 00:56:36,370
- Then the rest of the wedding party joins in.
- Hey.
951
00:56:36,544 --> 00:56:38,638
- All right.
- Here we go.
952
00:56:39,950 --> 00:56:42,443
Watch out for the flowers.
953
00:56:45,224 --> 00:56:47,694
- Would you like to dance?
- Oh, thank you...
954
00:56:47,861 --> 00:56:49,955
...but I'm just watching the...
- Jenny, dance.
955
00:56:50,131 --> 00:56:51,760
Come on.
956
00:56:53,905 --> 00:56:55,999
Oh, nice frame.
957
00:56:56,175 --> 00:56:57,769
I see.
958
00:57:00,949 --> 00:57:02,212
Where'd you learn to dance?
959
00:57:02,385 --> 00:57:05,254
- I spent some time in Colombia.
- What, are you a drug mule?
960
00:57:05,423 --> 00:57:06,981
No, Doctors Without Borders.
961
00:57:07,159 --> 00:57:11,222
- I know, he's perfect.
- Shut up.
962
00:57:20,849 --> 00:57:23,614
Hey! Shh, shh.
963
00:57:28,459 --> 00:57:29,484
[BOTH LAUGHING]
964
00:57:29,728 --> 00:57:34,795
- What else are you ridiculously good at?
- He's certified in shiatsu massage.
965
00:57:34,971 --> 00:57:36,303
Is it weird that I know that?
966
00:57:36,473 --> 00:57:38,238
- Yeah.
- A little. Ha, ha.
967
00:57:58,843 --> 00:58:00,504
[CRASH THEN CONNOR SCREAMS]
968
00:58:03,884 --> 00:58:04,977
[SCREAMS]
969
00:58:05,153 --> 00:58:07,782
What's going...? Oh, God.
970
00:58:07,958 --> 00:58:10,292
Oh, my God, the cake.
Did you see what happened?
971
00:58:10,463 --> 00:58:11,793
Oh, my God.
972
00:58:11,963 --> 00:58:15,231
Okay, look, these things
are not very well-engineered, all right?
973
00:58:15,403 --> 00:58:17,964
They're very rickety.
974
00:58:18,140 --> 00:58:21,601
- Here we go.
- No!
975
00:58:21,780 --> 00:58:24,717
I can totally fix this.
976
00:58:27,056 --> 00:58:31,290
If it's any consolation,
the cake really wasn't very good.
977
00:58:33,297 --> 00:58:36,997
You had a piece?
978
00:58:37,171 --> 00:58:41,041
Look, it splattered into my mouth
upon impact, all right?
979
00:58:41,211 --> 00:58:47,415
- It was unavoidable.
- It is a wedding cake, you stupid bitch.
980
00:58:47,588 --> 00:58:50,217
Not a rehearsal-dinner cake!
981
00:58:50,392 --> 00:58:52,589
- I hate you!
- No, no, no, Sandy, Sandy. Release.
982
00:58:52,763 --> 00:58:54,163
- Release. Release.
- Aah! Aah!
983
00:58:54,966 --> 00:58:56,901
VOLCOM:
He's not worth it, sweetheart.
984
00:58:57,069 --> 00:58:59,733
I'm fine. I'm fine.
985
00:58:59,908 --> 00:59:02,173
I am a lady.
986
00:59:02,344 --> 00:59:04,940
I am a professional.
987
00:59:05,484 --> 00:59:07,715
And I'm fine.
988
00:59:08,388 --> 00:59:11,882
PAUL: Let's get out of here.
- Okay, see if you can stabilize the bride.
989
00:59:12,060 --> 00:59:15,328
I've got the cake and childcare.
Brad, some shiatsu for Sandra, please?
990
00:59:15,500 --> 00:59:17,058
Let's see some happy faces.
991
00:59:17,469 --> 00:59:18,528
Big happy, big happy.
992
00:59:18,704 --> 00:59:20,731
Oh, where do you think you're going?
993
00:59:21,476 --> 00:59:23,570
- Breathe.
BRAD: Let me know if the pressure's okay.
994
00:59:23,745 --> 00:59:25,408
There you go.
995
00:59:26,551 --> 00:59:28,610
- Thank you, Denice.
- Thank you.
996
00:59:28,787 --> 00:59:30,916
- Okay. Oh, that's good.
- She's freaking out.
997
00:59:31,091 --> 00:59:33,560
- I know.
- Connor is ruining the wedding.
998
00:59:33,729 --> 00:59:36,757
He is also ruining
Operation Sex For Every Bridesmaid.
999
00:59:36,934 --> 00:59:38,835
- I almost hooked up with Connor.
- What?
1000
00:59:39,003 --> 00:59:41,530
When he told me to go by his room,
the door was locked.
1001
00:59:41,708 --> 00:59:43,439
I could hear him talking to himself.
1002
00:59:43,612 --> 00:59:45,204
Dude, that guy takes mind games...
1003
00:59:45,380 --> 00:59:47,350
...to the next level.
- Old school.
1004
00:59:47,518 --> 00:59:49,750
- So who's next?
- I'm up.
1005
00:59:49,921 --> 00:59:52,221
Oh, wait. Are you the one
that slept with Paul?
1006
00:59:52,392 --> 00:59:54,089
- No.
- Because he won't go there.
1007
00:59:54,730 --> 00:59:58,099
- Ew. What?
- That would be me.
1008
00:59:59,571 --> 01:00:02,336
- Shut up. Shut your face.
- No. You never told us that.
1009
01:00:02,508 --> 01:00:06,038
Well, I'm paying the price. Looks like
I'm gonna have to get plastered...
1010
01:00:06,215 --> 01:00:08,878
...and downgrade
to one of Paul's desperate work friends.
1011
01:00:09,052 --> 01:00:11,614
I can transmit, page, pilot
and sync channels now.
1012
01:00:11,790 --> 01:00:15,023
- What channel are you on?
- Hey, guys, holster them.
1013
01:00:15,864 --> 01:00:17,799
- Why?
- Women.
1014
01:00:17,967 --> 01:00:19,128
Oh.
1015
01:00:19,303 --> 01:00:21,330
- Say it isn't so.
- They're so weird.
1016
01:00:24,209 --> 01:00:28,945
- Yeah, somebody is enjoying this a little bit.
- Ha, ha. Are you kidding me?
1017
01:00:29,117 --> 01:00:32,886
Connor Mead, cleaning up his own mess.
I am loving it.
1018
01:00:33,925 --> 01:00:36,418
You know what? I'm sorry.
1019
01:00:37,031 --> 01:00:39,500
It's a cake.
There'll be a bakery open in town.
1020
01:00:39,668 --> 01:00:42,537
I'm not talking about this.
1021
01:00:43,141 --> 01:00:47,044
I'm talking about us. You know?
1022
01:00:47,347 --> 01:00:49,681
How it played out.
1023
01:00:49,852 --> 01:00:52,185
You're actually apologizing, aren't you?
1024
01:00:52,356 --> 01:00:55,259
Okay, we don't need
to make a production out of it, now.
1025
01:00:55,427 --> 01:00:58,090
How are things looking? Spick-and-span?
Any more spots?
1026
01:00:58,265 --> 01:01:02,967
You know, it was probably,
in some small way, partially my fault.
1027
01:01:03,140 --> 01:01:05,939
- I was always attracted to assholes.
- Thank you very much.
1028
01:01:06,111 --> 01:01:09,913
Well, you know what I mean, though.
Projects. Guys that I thought I could fix.
1029
01:01:10,084 --> 01:01:12,553
Probably has something to do
with my dad.
1030
01:01:12,755 --> 01:01:15,692
- Probably.
- After you left, I made a vow to myself...
1031
01:01:15,860 --> 01:01:18,558
...to date only fully functional,
well-adjusted men.
1032
01:01:18,731 --> 01:01:24,263
- No more works-in-progress. No dirtbags.
- So basically, women.
1033
01:01:24,441 --> 01:01:26,103
Basically women.
1034
01:01:26,277 --> 01:01:31,809
So how strong of a vow
is your no-dirtbags policy?
1035
01:01:31,986 --> 01:01:34,547
I had it tattooed on my ass.
1036
01:01:36,694 --> 01:01:38,891
- Can I see?
- No.
1037
01:01:40,299 --> 01:01:42,097
- Wait, what are you doing?
- What?
1038
01:01:42,270 --> 01:01:43,670
- What?
- What am I doing? Wha...?
1039
01:01:43,839 --> 01:01:48,472
Okay, look. I know I dropped the ball
before a bit, but I have changed, I swear.
1040
01:01:48,647 --> 01:01:50,114
- No, you haven't.
- No, I have.
1041
01:01:50,282 --> 01:01:54,483
Jenny, I'm seeing things
in a whole different way tonight.
1042
01:01:54,656 --> 01:01:58,253
All right? I love you. I think.
I mean, I always have.
1043
01:01:58,428 --> 01:02:01,888
- You're the one I was supposed to be with.
- Wait, Connor, stop it. Just...
1044
01:02:02,502 --> 01:02:06,168
I hear what you're saying,
and I think right now you actually believe it.
1045
01:02:06,342 --> 01:02:09,802
- Yeah.
- But I know you.
1046
01:02:11,116 --> 01:02:13,585
Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up.
1047
01:02:14,888 --> 01:02:16,652
You won't be there.
1048
01:02:17,593 --> 01:02:21,498
Okay, but, Jenny, I really, really don't
wanna be alone tonight, you know?
1049
01:02:21,666 --> 01:02:23,999
- Okay. No, I get it.
- Will you please stay with me?
1050
01:02:24,737 --> 01:02:27,766
Seriously!
Jenny, I've got ghosts in my bedroom!
1051
01:02:31,682 --> 01:02:33,742
WOMAN: Hello, Connor.
- Aah!
1052
01:02:35,687 --> 01:02:36,951
Dude.
1053
01:02:37,124 --> 01:02:40,926
What does a girl have to do
to get laid at this wedding?
1054
01:02:43,968 --> 01:02:47,634
Yeah. Four Seasons, please.
1055
01:02:51,748 --> 01:02:54,741
- Come on, start. Aah!
- Where do you think you're going?
1056
01:02:57,055 --> 01:03:01,791
Oh, Mel. God, you don't know
how happy I am to see you.
1057
01:03:02,598 --> 01:03:04,157
Aah!
1058
01:03:04,335 --> 01:03:07,396
Really, did you learn nothing
from the last ghost?
1059
01:03:07,874 --> 01:03:09,900
- You're the ghost of girlfriends present?
- Mm-hm.
1060
01:03:10,077 --> 01:03:12,411
- That makes no sense.
- Oh, tell me about it.
1061
01:03:12,581 --> 01:03:15,815
But as sad as it is,
I'm the only consistent woman in your life.
1062
01:03:15,987 --> 01:03:20,187
So here I am,
just working on the weekend. Again.
1063
01:03:20,360 --> 01:03:21,851
But we never...
1064
01:03:22,029 --> 01:03:23,498
I mean, you...
1065
01:03:23,665 --> 01:03:25,726
- You're totally gay, right?
- What?
1066
01:03:25,903 --> 01:03:26,928
You're not?
1067
01:03:27,105 --> 01:03:31,168
No. There was just one time in college.
I went to Barnard.
1068
01:03:31,345 --> 01:03:32,939
- Okay.
- I had no choice.
1069
01:03:33,115 --> 01:03:34,707
Hey, I'm sorry, Mel.
1070
01:03:34,884 --> 01:03:37,446
If I'd have known,
I would of hit on you a lot sooner.
1071
01:03:37,622 --> 01:03:39,523
Aw. Ha, ha.
1072
01:03:39,691 --> 01:03:43,356
- Ow! What was that for?
- Because tonight, I'm the boss.
1073
01:03:43,530 --> 01:03:44,999
You ready?
1074
01:03:49,675 --> 01:03:51,734
What are you doing?
1075
01:03:53,581 --> 01:03:57,212
Aren't we gonna, like,
fly off or something?
1076
01:03:57,387 --> 01:04:01,155
It's the present, you idiot.
We're here already.
1077
01:04:06,468 --> 01:04:07,492
Mel.
1078
01:04:08,437 --> 01:04:11,432
PAUL: Okay, no. That is not what I said.
WOMAN: I don't care.
1079
01:04:11,610 --> 01:04:13,738
He's a beautiful piece of a man.
1080
01:04:13,913 --> 01:04:18,046
Hey, look at how much fun they're having
now that you're gone.
1081
01:04:18,487 --> 01:04:20,046
- He's not shallow.
- Shallow?
1082
01:04:20,223 --> 01:04:23,058
Honey, he spends every Christmas alone
at the Knicks game.
1083
01:04:23,228 --> 01:04:24,354
Yeah, he is all surface.
1084
01:04:24,530 --> 01:04:28,128
Yeah, but in his defense,
it's a really hot surface.
1085
01:04:28,303 --> 01:04:30,397
- Well, yeah.
- Okay, he's not that bad.
1086
01:04:30,573 --> 01:04:34,012
- Thank you, Paulie.
DEENA: Paul, he hit on your mother in law.
1087
01:04:34,180 --> 01:04:36,979
- I've banged worse.
- Thank you, Vonda.
1088
01:04:37,150 --> 01:04:38,710
ALL:
Oh!
1089
01:04:38,887 --> 01:04:42,120
You guys just don't know him like I do.
You don't.
1090
01:04:42,293 --> 01:04:44,626
You know, that guy practically raised me.
1091
01:04:45,097 --> 01:04:50,368
I was 2 when our parents died.
Connor was just 7.
1092
01:04:50,973 --> 01:04:56,438
You know, at an age when he's supposed
to be a kid, he's busy taking care of one.
1093
01:04:56,915 --> 01:04:59,010
He taught me how to read.
1094
01:05:00,555 --> 01:05:03,320
He taught me how to ride a bike.
1095
01:05:04,428 --> 01:05:08,423
He beat the crap out of any kid
who ever teased me.
1096
01:05:08,601 --> 01:05:12,939
You know, he always said,
"Paulie, it's you and me against the world."
1097
01:05:14,144 --> 01:05:19,517
My point is, I had the opportunity
to be a nice kid and Connor didn't.
1098
01:05:19,986 --> 01:05:23,516
Now, I know he seems like a joke
to you guys...
1099
01:05:23,693 --> 01:05:28,962
...and trust me, you all have fair points,
but that guy is the only family I've got.
1100
01:05:29,134 --> 01:05:30,966
And if there's one thing family does...
1101
01:05:31,137 --> 01:05:36,043
...it is believe, against all odds,
in the best of each other.
1102
01:05:41,420 --> 01:05:42,581
I love him.
1103
01:05:42,757 --> 01:05:46,752
And as long as I live,
I'll believe he can change, because he's...
1104
01:05:47,765 --> 01:05:49,733
He's my big brother.
1105
01:05:54,441 --> 01:05:56,434
I'm gonna call my brother.
1106
01:05:56,612 --> 01:05:58,171
It's been a while.
1107
01:05:59,584 --> 01:06:01,781
Of course,
that doesn't mean anything to you.
1108
01:06:02,255 --> 01:06:04,451
Because love doesn't exist, right?
1109
01:06:04,625 --> 01:06:08,723
It's just, "magical comfort food
for the weak and uneducated"?
1110
01:06:08,899 --> 01:06:14,168
Wow, that is as close as I will ever come
to feeling something for Connor Mead.
1111
01:06:14,340 --> 01:06:16,776
- Kudos.
- I saw you chatting him up at the bar.
1112
01:06:17,412 --> 01:06:22,443
Well, I still wanna do him,
but now I'll be scrumping a tragic figure.
1113
01:06:22,621 --> 01:06:26,890
Ooh, like when Denice hooked up
with Gary Coleman at Lollapalooza.
1114
01:06:27,462 --> 01:06:31,663
I was drunk
and he had such delicate hands.
1115
01:06:32,270 --> 01:06:36,037
Denice, you think that's bad? I mean,
look at what Connor is doing to poor Jenny.
1116
01:06:36,209 --> 01:06:39,237
He has got that girl so twisted up
into a pretzel...
1117
01:06:39,414 --> 01:06:42,681
...she can't even appreciate
that fine slice of wedding beefcake...
1118
01:06:42,853 --> 01:06:45,688
...that Sandy has flown in for her.
1119
01:06:45,859 --> 01:06:47,326
Hua! Ha, ha.
1120
01:06:48,596 --> 01:06:51,533
Heard, understood, acknowledged?
1121
01:06:55,507 --> 01:06:56,702
Jenny, she's just...
1122
01:06:59,580 --> 01:07:01,243
Jenny.
1123
01:07:09,295 --> 01:07:12,665
- Oh, Jesus. Is she okay?
- What do you think?
1124
01:07:12,835 --> 01:07:14,234
BRAD:
Jenny?
1125
01:07:15,472 --> 01:07:18,807
Oh, of course.
Sensitive Brad to the rescue.
1126
01:07:18,978 --> 01:07:23,543
Now, wait a second, are you actually trying
to repair this wedding cake?
1127
01:07:23,920 --> 01:07:25,547
Maybe.
1128
01:07:26,457 --> 01:07:30,259
- I mean, a little.
- I used to moonlight as a pastry chef.
1129
01:07:30,429 --> 01:07:33,424
- Tell me this guy's gay.
- He's not. Trust me.
1130
01:07:33,602 --> 01:07:35,661
- Really?
- No. Not really.
1131
01:07:35,839 --> 01:07:38,240
[BOTH LAUGHING]
1132
01:07:38,676 --> 01:07:40,406
You wanna talk about it?
1133
01:07:40,580 --> 01:07:43,573
As your designated wedding sex,
everything you say is privileged.
1134
01:07:43,751 --> 01:07:45,550
No, I just...
1135
01:07:45,721 --> 01:07:49,955
I mean, it's been like a decade
since Connor and l... You know.
1136
01:07:50,763 --> 01:07:54,201
But I see him again, and I am just right back
to where I was before.
1137
01:07:54,368 --> 01:07:57,601
My attending in med school used to say
that doctors never break up...
1138
01:07:57,774 --> 01:08:02,077
...we just go into remission. We're naturally
drawn to the most hopeless patients.
1139
01:08:02,248 --> 01:08:05,150
The irredeemably screwed up.
The terminal cases.
1140
01:08:05,319 --> 01:08:09,315
- We get the point, Brad.
- It's just embarrassing, you know?
1141
01:08:09,492 --> 01:08:11,553
I think you only really
get over somebody...
1142
01:08:11,730 --> 01:08:15,133
...when you find somebody else
that you care about more.
1143
01:08:15,703 --> 01:08:18,003
All right, this is a nightmare.
1144
01:08:18,174 --> 01:08:19,641
I'm bringing them together.
1145
01:08:20,444 --> 01:08:22,276
- This is a mess.
MELANIE: He's really cute too.
1146
01:08:22,447 --> 01:08:26,146
CONNOR: No, no, no. No way.
Jenny doesn't go for guys like this.
1147
01:08:26,319 --> 01:08:29,416
No, clearly not. Come on, let's go.
1148
01:08:29,592 --> 01:08:32,187
No, no, no. Now hang on.
Let's see how this plays out.
1149
01:08:32,363 --> 01:08:33,956
Okay. You're the boss.
1150
01:08:34,667 --> 01:08:36,157
Really?
1151
01:08:36,837 --> 01:08:39,672
NADJA: Such a shvantza.
- What the hell was that fo...?
1152
01:08:39,842 --> 01:08:44,008
I just can't believe he broke up with us
on a conference call.
1153
01:08:44,181 --> 01:08:45,774
How did he fool all of us?
1154
01:08:45,951 --> 01:08:47,943
Yeah, but the weirdest thing, really...
1155
01:08:48,121 --> 01:08:50,648
...it seems like he wanted us
to fall in love with him.
1156
01:08:50,826 --> 01:08:56,233
And once we did, or thought we did,
he just disappeared.
1157
01:08:56,836 --> 01:08:59,031
How messed up is that?
1158
01:08:59,473 --> 01:09:01,339
Come on, Kiki. Don't cry.
1159
01:09:01,511 --> 01:09:03,741
At least Connor brought us
all together, right?
1160
01:09:03,914 --> 01:09:07,146
Hey, there we go, Charlece.
That's the winning attitude, huh?
1161
01:09:07,318 --> 01:09:09,082
Way to look on the bright side.
1162
01:09:09,255 --> 01:09:13,217
You've already got new relationships,
new friendships, right?
1163
01:09:13,396 --> 01:09:15,023
Here we go.
1164
01:09:15,198 --> 01:09:18,329
It's so exciting to have people over.
Martini?
1165
01:09:18,504 --> 01:09:20,598
- Oh, this is your apartment?
NADJA: Liquor, good.
1166
01:09:20,774 --> 01:09:21,799
Mel.
1167
01:09:21,976 --> 01:09:26,507
I've got apple, bubble gum or tandoori.
1168
01:09:27,051 --> 01:09:29,247
I know it sounds gross,
but drink two of them...
1169
01:09:29,421 --> 01:09:31,754
...and you won't be able
to feel your face. Cheers.
1170
01:09:31,925 --> 01:09:33,393
You brought them together?
1171
01:09:33,561 --> 01:09:38,160
Come on. Don't be sad, you whiny bitches.
Connor's not worth it.
1172
01:09:38,335 --> 01:09:41,466
He's like the Tin Man.
He was born without a heart.
1173
01:09:41,640 --> 01:09:44,110
And, ladies, know this:
1174
01:09:44,278 --> 01:09:46,875
That wherever
Connor lays his head tonight...
1175
01:09:47,051 --> 01:09:51,386
...when the sun comes up in the morning,
he will be all alone.
1176
01:09:51,557 --> 01:09:55,393
CHARLECE: Well, I'll drink to that.
NADJA: I feel much better.
1177
01:10:00,471 --> 01:10:02,771
So how you holding up, Dutch?
1178
01:10:03,843 --> 01:10:06,177
- Not too great.
- Yeah.
1179
01:10:08,452 --> 01:10:10,648
Why do all these women hate me?
1180
01:10:10,822 --> 01:10:13,155
You know, I don't hate them.
1181
01:10:13,325 --> 01:10:16,956
Woman love to be screwed,
they just don't like to be screwed over.
1182
01:10:17,598 --> 01:10:19,431
I know, it's annoying.
1183
01:10:19,602 --> 01:10:24,942
Yeah. I mean... Look, all right,
maybe I've hurt a few women in my time.
1184
01:10:25,112 --> 01:10:30,519
A few women? Dutch, please.
Don't con a con man.
1185
01:10:35,060 --> 01:10:39,432
- Oh, is this weather tricks?
- No tricks, Dutch.
1186
01:10:39,601 --> 01:10:45,066
These are all the lady tears
that have been shed for you in your life.
1187
01:10:52,989 --> 01:10:54,583
And these...
1188
01:10:55,894 --> 01:11:00,891
These are the tissues they used
to dry those tears.
1189
01:11:02,571 --> 01:11:05,234
And these are the chocolates you sent.
1190
01:11:05,409 --> 01:11:06,707
[LAUGHING]
1191
01:11:07,379 --> 01:11:10,748
Right. You don't send chocolates.
They go straight to the hips.
1192
01:11:10,918 --> 01:11:11,943
Right.
1193
01:11:12,455 --> 01:11:15,289
And these are all the condoms you used.
1194
01:11:15,459 --> 01:11:16,619
No.
1195
01:11:16,793 --> 01:11:19,924
No! No! No!
1196
01:11:21,801 --> 01:11:23,064
[SCREAMING]
1197
01:11:33,121 --> 01:11:35,216
DENICE: No, don't!
SANDRA: Get off! Get off!
1198
01:11:35,392 --> 01:11:38,021
DENICE: Don't! You're out of control!
SANDRA: Shut up!
1199
01:11:38,195 --> 01:11:39,492
Man, oh, man.
1200
01:11:39,664 --> 01:11:43,158
You guys are not gonna believe
what just happened to me in my car.
1201
01:11:47,044 --> 01:11:48,636
Is this about the cake?
1202
01:11:48,812 --> 01:11:52,410
This is not about the cake. This is about
the fact that Paul slept with Donna.
1203
01:11:52,585 --> 01:11:55,681
Information that you so kindly shared
with Denice earlier tonight.
1204
01:11:55,857 --> 01:11:59,158
Come on. All right, number one,
that was years ago.
1205
01:11:59,329 --> 01:12:01,798
There seems to be some debate
about the time line.
1206
01:12:01,966 --> 01:12:05,734
No, there is no debate. We were going out.
We were together.
1207
01:12:05,906 --> 01:12:08,434
- You cheated.
- We had just met. But you're right.
1208
01:12:08,611 --> 01:12:12,640
You're right. That's not important. What's
important is that I hurt you. Listen, baby...
1209
01:12:12,818 --> 01:12:15,789
You know what? Don't "listen, baby" me.
You had sex with her...
1210
01:12:15,956 --> 01:12:19,827
...and then you didn't even tell me.
I mean, what else don't I know about you?
1211
01:12:19,996 --> 01:12:22,659
Nothing. Nothing. There is nothing else.
1212
01:12:22,834 --> 01:12:26,168
Okay, I am so sorry.
Sweetie, I never meant to hurt you.
1213
01:12:26,339 --> 01:12:31,541
Cool. Right there. Hey, he said it.
He's sorry. He means it. Case closed.
1214
01:12:31,714 --> 01:12:36,212
"Case closed." Because one apology
makes everything all better, right, Connor?
1215
01:12:36,389 --> 01:12:40,988
No, Jenny. What makes it okay
is that Paul still clearly loves her.
1216
01:12:41,164 --> 01:12:43,928
Oh, you're the expert on love.
You don't even believe in it.
1217
01:12:44,101 --> 01:12:48,130
If I can tell that you two love each other,
then you must really love each other.
1218
01:12:48,307 --> 01:12:50,573
You know I do, honey.
I love you so much.
1219
01:12:50,745 --> 01:12:54,946
That girl's been acting like a mental patient
for 12 hours. He's still here.
1220
01:12:55,119 --> 01:12:56,314
- Shut up.
- The point is...
1221
01:12:56,488 --> 01:12:58,390
...how does she even trust him anymore?
1222
01:12:58,559 --> 01:13:01,791
Whoa, are you talking about my brother,
or are you talking about me?
1223
01:13:01,964 --> 01:13:05,901
Let's not forget, this all went down
with your dear friend Donna over there.
1224
01:13:06,069 --> 01:13:09,439
A fact your little estrogen lynch mob
seems to have forgotten.
1225
01:13:09,909 --> 01:13:14,748
Seriously, if you ruled out marrying anyone
that your bridesmaids have slept with...
1226
01:13:14,918 --> 01:13:17,251
...you're gonna have to go abroad
to get a husband.
1227
01:13:17,422 --> 01:13:19,254
Go to hell, Connor.
1228
01:13:19,425 --> 01:13:20,654
- Sandy...
- Paulie, come on...
1229
01:13:20,827 --> 01:13:24,961
- Connor, I want you to leave.
CONNOR: You better air these things out...
1230
01:13:25,135 --> 01:13:26,967
Connor, leave!
1231
01:13:27,138 --> 01:13:31,770
God, you have done nothing
but make this weekend worse for everyone.
1232
01:13:33,480 --> 01:13:36,417
- Sandy!
- Paulie!
1233
01:13:37,855 --> 01:13:40,690
Hey, come on. Hey, Paulie.
Hey, hey, man. Look, I'm sorry.
1234
01:13:40,860 --> 01:13:43,660
They were right.
I never should have invited you.
1235
01:13:44,365 --> 01:13:47,097
You know, for years
I keep trying to convince myself...
1236
01:13:47,271 --> 01:13:49,671
...there's something redeemable in you.
1237
01:13:49,840 --> 01:13:51,308
I'm done. There isn't.
1238
01:13:51,476 --> 01:13:53,968
CONNOR: I was just trying to get your back
in there, okay?
1239
01:13:55,516 --> 01:13:59,955
- It's you and me against the world, right?
- You don't wanna be here.
1240
01:14:00,725 --> 01:14:02,523
And nobody wants you here.
1241
01:14:02,695 --> 01:14:05,290
So just go. Jus... Please?
1242
01:14:05,933 --> 01:14:06,958
Sandy!
1243
01:14:12,176 --> 01:14:15,841
CONNOR: I know I've got
one more ghost left on my contract...
1244
01:14:16,016 --> 01:14:18,919
...but I've been asked
to leave the premises!
1245
01:14:19,087 --> 01:14:22,149
So if you want me, come on!
1246
01:14:23,261 --> 01:14:26,357
Of course, I wouldn't mind seeing
my future girlfriends.
1247
01:14:26,534 --> 01:14:30,870
Frankly, that was the ghost
I was most looking forward to!
1248
01:14:31,309 --> 01:14:32,776
But whatever!
1249
01:14:48,969 --> 01:14:50,232
Whoa.
1250
01:14:55,913 --> 01:14:58,247
Are you my future girlfriend?
1251
01:15:03,827 --> 01:15:06,422
Would you like to be?
1252
01:15:34,710 --> 01:15:36,042
[CHURCH BELL CHIMING]
1253
01:15:58,615 --> 01:16:00,411
Oh, hell, no.
1254
01:16:00,584 --> 01:16:02,314
I get married?
1255
01:16:02,587 --> 01:16:04,386
["WEDDING MARCH"
PLAYING ON ORGAN]
1256
01:16:09,866 --> 01:16:11,060
Oh.
1257
01:16:11,869 --> 01:16:13,736
Okay, this could work.
1258
01:16:14,507 --> 01:16:19,379
As a matter of fact, this may be all right.
1259
01:16:21,552 --> 01:16:22,984
Brad?
1260
01:16:23,154 --> 01:16:24,850
No.
1261
01:16:25,023 --> 01:16:27,458
No, no, no.
1262
01:16:27,627 --> 01:16:28,720
No, no, no.
1263
01:16:28,896 --> 01:16:32,858
And now, if anyone here knows any reason
why these two should not be wed...
1264
01:16:33,036 --> 01:16:34,868
CONNOR: I do.
PRIEST: let them speak now...
1265
01:16:35,040 --> 01:16:37,032
No, Jenny,
you're supposed to be with me.
1266
01:16:37,210 --> 01:16:42,550
She was always supposed to be with me.
No. Don't do this. This is wrong. No.
1267
01:16:42,720 --> 01:16:47,352
No! I'm here. I'm here.
Jenny. I'm here. No.
1268
01:16:47,527 --> 01:16:49,758
No!
1269
01:16:54,238 --> 01:16:55,569
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
1270
01:17:20,347 --> 01:17:21,939
Oh, Paulie.
1271
01:17:26,791 --> 01:17:28,782
No wedding ring.
1272
01:17:29,427 --> 01:17:33,229
Wait a minute. He didn't get married?
1273
01:17:33,834 --> 01:17:35,462
Why?
1274
01:17:37,441 --> 01:17:38,874
Me?
1275
01:17:41,080 --> 01:17:42,514
What did I do?
1276
01:17:45,354 --> 01:17:47,255
You don't say much, do you?
1277
01:18:36,803 --> 01:18:39,739
Looks like we're, uh, all here.
1278
01:18:40,542 --> 01:18:42,637
Let's begin.
1279
01:18:43,113 --> 01:18:46,346
Lord, we are gathered here today
to lay to rest Connor Mead.
1280
01:18:47,821 --> 01:18:51,759
Connor Mead was a great man
and a great friend of the Church.
1281
01:18:51,928 --> 01:18:55,831
- There's only one person at my funeral?
WAYNE: That's the way it works, Dutch.
1282
01:18:57,569 --> 01:18:59,732
Guys like us...
1283
01:19:00,140 --> 01:19:01,631
...we don't get the big funeral.
1284
01:19:02,110 --> 01:19:05,981
I didn't expect big, Uncle Wayne,
but this is ridiculous.
1285
01:19:06,550 --> 01:19:10,489
Yeah, I don't know how
to soften this one for you, Dutch. Uh...
1286
01:19:11,692 --> 01:19:14,162
Nobody's really gonna miss you.
1287
01:19:14,765 --> 01:19:19,260
Before the burial, would you like to say
a few words about the deceased?
1288
01:19:30,489 --> 01:19:32,550
Connor Mead...
1289
01:19:33,361 --> 01:19:35,489
...was a lot of things to a lot of people.
1290
01:19:35,965 --> 01:19:38,230
Not all of them good things...
1291
01:19:39,068 --> 01:19:41,698
...but to me he was a great brother.
1292
01:19:44,645 --> 01:19:47,514
Guess it's just me against the world now.
1293
01:19:47,683 --> 01:19:51,520
No, it's not, Paulie. No, it's not.
Look, it doesn't have to happen like this.
1294
01:19:51,690 --> 01:19:55,129
- It's not gonna happen...
- Nothing you can do about it, Dutch.
1295
01:19:55,563 --> 01:19:58,660
You made your bed, now you gotta bang
whatever crawls into it.
1296
01:19:58,836 --> 01:20:02,033
That's what I keep trying to tell you.
What can I say?
1297
01:20:02,207 --> 01:20:05,805
Life, you know,
it's like a quick cup of coffee.
1298
01:20:05,980 --> 01:20:08,779
You haven't got the guts
to love someone with all you got...
1299
01:20:08,951 --> 01:20:11,649
...then you end up drinking alone.
- No. No, Uncle Wayne...
1300
01:20:11,822 --> 01:20:14,315
- Sorry, kid. Party's over.
- Aah!
1301
01:20:14,827 --> 01:20:17,093
WAYNE: Ladies, let's take it away.
- Whoa.
1302
01:20:17,264 --> 01:20:21,101
No! No! I can change! I swear!
1303
01:20:21,272 --> 01:20:24,503
No! No!
1304
01:20:24,675 --> 01:20:28,580
I can change! I swear! I can change! Aah!
1305
01:20:28,749 --> 01:20:29,774
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
1306
01:20:34,492 --> 01:20:35,790
I'm alive.
1307
01:20:42,338 --> 01:20:44,273
I'm alive!
1308
01:20:44,741 --> 01:20:48,271
You there, young man. What day is it?
1309
01:20:48,447 --> 01:20:49,540
Is it Christmas?
1310
01:20:50,084 --> 01:20:53,578
No, it's Saturday, you moron.
1311
01:20:54,090 --> 01:20:56,389
That's the day of my brother's wedding.
1312
01:20:56,561 --> 01:20:59,397
All right, I haven't missed it, thank God.
1313
01:20:59,567 --> 01:21:05,703
Let's get ready for nuptials!
1314
01:21:08,680 --> 01:21:11,652
Hey, hey, Paulie. Hey. Hey.
1315
01:21:12,453 --> 01:21:15,652
- Did I miss the wedding?
- No. You got your wish.
1316
01:21:15,825 --> 01:21:18,056
- Sandra called it off.
- What?
1317
01:21:18,228 --> 01:21:20,027
- Why?
- Why do you think?
1318
01:21:20,199 --> 01:21:22,192
- The thing I let slip about Donna?
PAUL: Yeah.
1319
01:21:22,370 --> 01:21:25,397
No, no, no. You can't split up.
1320
01:21:25,575 --> 01:21:28,101
You are meant
to spend the rest of your lives together.
1321
01:21:28,279 --> 01:21:32,377
- You're gonna be miserable without her.
- You can be a real sarcastic prick.
1322
01:21:32,552 --> 01:21:36,115
I am not being sarcastic, okay?
Where's Sandra?
1323
01:21:36,292 --> 01:21:40,025
Sarge is taking her and the bridesmaids
to the airport. It's over.
1324
01:21:40,198 --> 01:21:41,530
No.
1325
01:21:41,700 --> 01:21:43,761
No, no, no.
1326
01:21:46,976 --> 01:21:48,444
Whoa.
1327
01:21:59,896 --> 01:22:01,057
Sandra!
1328
01:22:15,522 --> 01:22:17,252
[ELVIS' "BURNING LO VE"
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
1329
01:22:17,425 --> 01:22:18,790
[TIRES SQUEALING]
1330
01:22:26,172 --> 01:22:27,265
What are you doing?
1331
01:22:28,843 --> 01:22:30,607
[SHOUTING]
1332
01:22:34,250 --> 01:22:37,222
Whoo! Whoo!
1333
01:22:39,694 --> 01:22:41,662
Aah! No seat belts!
1334
01:22:42,465 --> 01:22:43,831
[SCREAMING]
1335
01:22:46,972 --> 01:22:48,531
Sandra!
1336
01:22:49,510 --> 01:22:51,137
Hey!
1337
01:22:51,313 --> 01:22:54,409
Sandra, you're making a huge mistake!
1338
01:22:55,519 --> 01:22:56,713
Was that Connor?
1339
01:22:58,390 --> 01:23:01,020
Sandra!
1340
01:23:02,797 --> 01:23:03,822
Come on.
1341
01:23:04,834 --> 01:23:05,859
Oh, shit.
1342
01:23:15,519 --> 01:23:16,680
- Dad, stop!
- Aah!
1343
01:23:17,388 --> 01:23:19,253
JENNY:
Sarge, stop.
1344
01:23:19,423 --> 01:23:21,757
DEENA: Is that Connor?
- You could a killed us back there.
1345
01:23:21,928 --> 01:23:24,193
JENNY: Sandra, lock the door. Get away.
- Sandra.
1346
01:23:24,666 --> 01:23:28,400
- Sarge, I need to talk to your daughter.
- Over my dead body, Paco.
1347
01:23:28,873 --> 01:23:30,899
All right? Relax.
1348
01:23:32,245 --> 01:23:33,406
Oh, my God.
1349
01:23:33,581 --> 01:23:37,144
- I'm sorry, sir. I've come too far. Sandra.
- Sandra, stay in the car.
1350
01:23:37,620 --> 01:23:39,054
Did he just lock us...?
1351
01:23:39,223 --> 01:23:41,419
- Don't you touch me.
- Now, you listen to me.
1352
01:23:41,860 --> 01:23:43,796
Okay, first off:
1353
01:23:44,198 --> 01:23:46,963
I am sorry about destroying
your wedding cake...
1354
01:23:47,135 --> 01:23:51,165
...going to second base with your mother,
knocking your dad unconscious right there...
1355
01:23:52,010 --> 01:23:54,310
...and basically
breaking up your wedding.
1356
01:23:54,481 --> 01:23:58,317
I'm sorry.
That being said, I am begging you...
1357
01:23:58,487 --> 01:24:01,184
...begging you, don't run away, all right?
1358
01:24:01,358 --> 01:24:05,127
You and Paul have something so rare,
all right, so powerful.
1359
01:24:05,298 --> 01:24:07,927
- Don't chicken out now.
- Chicken out? He cheated.
1360
01:24:08,102 --> 01:24:09,468
Oh, get over it.
1361
01:24:09,638 --> 01:24:13,441
It was years ago, all right?
With some slutty friend of yours.
1362
01:24:13,612 --> 01:24:15,103
Yeah, well, that's true.
1363
01:24:15,281 --> 01:24:17,911
A friend, incidentally,
who you're not even mad at.
1364
01:24:18,086 --> 01:24:21,319
And you know why?
Because you don't actually care.
1365
01:24:21,491 --> 01:24:24,825
You love Paul so much,
you forgave him the second you heard.
1366
01:24:24,996 --> 01:24:26,294
And that's what scares you.
1367
01:24:26,466 --> 01:24:28,594
You have no idea how I feel.
You have no idea.
1368
01:24:28,769 --> 01:24:32,469
Yes, I do. I've been in your shoes.
1369
01:24:32,976 --> 01:24:35,172
You know what?
It scared the hell out of me too.
1370
01:24:36,382 --> 01:24:40,219
What if she hurt me?
You know, what if she left me?
1371
01:24:40,388 --> 01:24:42,517
What if she died?
1372
01:24:42,992 --> 01:24:44,483
lt'd have been the end of me.
1373
01:24:44,662 --> 01:24:49,602
So I cut it short, before she ever could.
And you know what?
1374
01:24:49,770 --> 01:24:53,538
It was the biggest mistake
I have ever made.
1375
01:24:53,709 --> 01:24:55,474
You're making that same mistake now...
1376
01:24:55,646 --> 01:24:58,081
...and I'll be damned
if I'm gonna sit by and watch.
1377
01:24:58,250 --> 01:25:01,051
You gotta risk love, Sandra. Risk it.
1378
01:25:01,222 --> 01:25:08,222
I didn't. Look at me.
I'm an empty, lonely, ghost of a man.
1379
01:25:08,900 --> 01:25:12,395
It doesn't mean
that you're never gonna get hurt.
1380
01:25:12,840 --> 01:25:15,173
But I can guarantee you this:
1381
01:25:15,345 --> 01:25:17,075
Any pain that you feel...
1382
01:25:17,548 --> 01:25:22,455
...will never, ever compare to the regret
that comes from walking away from love.
1383
01:25:23,491 --> 01:25:26,621
As someone who's felt a lot of both,
trust me.
1384
01:25:26,796 --> 01:25:28,195
Pain...
1385
01:25:29,633 --> 01:25:34,164
...beats regret every day of the week,
and twice on Sunday.
1386
01:25:35,275 --> 01:25:37,074
Don't run away.
1387
01:25:37,246 --> 01:25:39,182
Don't do it.
1388
01:25:43,256 --> 01:25:45,658
I can't believe I'm saying this...
1389
01:25:46,795 --> 01:25:49,027
...but, uh, I think you might be right.
1390
01:25:50,667 --> 01:25:52,066
So...
1391
01:25:53,606 --> 01:25:54,972
...you wanna get married?
1392
01:25:57,412 --> 01:25:59,541
- I do.
CONNOR: You do?
1393
01:25:59,716 --> 01:26:01,777
- Yeah, I do.
CONNOR: You do?
1394
01:26:02,553 --> 01:26:03,919
Yes.
1395
01:26:04,090 --> 01:26:05,422
- Yes.
DEENA: Okay.
1396
01:26:07,830 --> 01:26:09,730
Whoo!
1397
01:26:17,077 --> 01:26:19,046
SANDRA:
Oh, baby.
1398
01:26:21,517 --> 01:26:25,616
Flowers, check. Cake, check.
Dinner, check.
1399
01:26:25,791 --> 01:26:29,855
- Photographer?
- Ooh, I know a pretty good photographer.
1400
01:26:44,454 --> 01:26:45,718
[CHUCKLES]
1401
01:26:49,162 --> 01:26:50,529
PRIEST:
Shall we begin?
1402
01:26:50,699 --> 01:26:54,228
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are here to witness the union...
1403
01:26:54,404 --> 01:26:58,501
...of Sandra Marie Volcom and Paul Mead.
1404
01:26:59,311 --> 01:27:01,304
[MOUTHING]
At them.
1405
01:27:08,426 --> 01:27:12,763
It was cold and dark.
We'd been taking fire for hours.
1406
01:27:13,235 --> 01:27:15,465
We took an incoming mortar hit.
1407
01:27:15,639 --> 01:27:18,871
I opened up his jacket
and his insides fell out...
1408
01:27:19,043 --> 01:27:21,946
...and I had his bloody guts in my hand.
1409
01:27:22,448 --> 01:27:25,351
They were warm and mushy and squishy.
1410
01:27:26,355 --> 01:27:28,825
And I pushed them right back
into his body cavity...
1411
01:27:28,993 --> 01:27:32,158
...and willed him to live with my tears.
1412
01:27:32,332 --> 01:27:35,064
And that is what true love is.
1413
01:27:35,370 --> 01:27:36,735
Hua!
1414
01:27:40,344 --> 01:27:41,835
I've heard that story a hundred times.
1415
01:27:42,013 --> 01:27:43,345
[CLINKING GLASS]
1416
01:27:44,484 --> 01:27:45,975
Um...
1417
01:27:46,387 --> 01:27:50,986
I guess now's as good a time as any
for me to make my best man's toast.
1418
01:27:51,162 --> 01:27:56,399
I've never given one of these before,
so, uh, bear with me.
1419
01:27:56,571 --> 01:27:59,507
Someone once told me...
1420
01:27:59,676 --> 01:28:03,841
...that the power in all relationships
lies with whoever cares less.
1421
01:28:04,383 --> 01:28:06,215
And he was right.
1422
01:28:06,386 --> 01:28:08,617
But power isn't happiness.
1423
01:28:08,789 --> 01:28:10,258
And...
1424
01:28:10,426 --> 01:28:12,794
...I think that maybe happiness comes...
1425
01:28:12,964 --> 01:28:18,405
...from caring more about people,
rather than less.
1426
01:28:18,573 --> 01:28:23,878
And nobody proves that better
than my kid brother, Paulie.
1427
01:28:24,048 --> 01:28:28,454
Buddy, you give love to everyone...
1428
01:28:28,622 --> 01:28:30,921
...and you require none in return.
1429
01:28:31,493 --> 01:28:36,833
From this day on,
I wanna be more like you.
1430
01:28:37,569 --> 01:28:39,937
I want you to be proud of me again.
1431
01:28:40,442 --> 01:28:41,932
Yeah.
1432
01:28:44,214 --> 01:28:46,240
And here's to my new sister.
1433
01:28:47,017 --> 01:28:50,512
You know, Sandra, all I can really say...
1434
01:28:50,691 --> 01:28:54,323
...all that I know for sure...
1435
01:28:55,365 --> 01:28:57,267
...is that Mom and Dad...
1436
01:28:58,837 --> 01:29:00,807
...they would've loved you.
1437
01:29:01,342 --> 01:29:04,074
And I'm glad you're part of our family.
1438
01:29:04,814 --> 01:29:07,375
- Here's to Paul and Sandra, right here.
- Yeah, to Paul and Sandra.
1439
01:29:07,552 --> 01:29:08,985
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
1440
01:29:11,725 --> 01:29:13,991
[BAND PLAYING THE SUPREMES'
"YOU CAN'T HURRY LO VE"]
1441
01:29:20,038 --> 01:29:22,270
CONNOR:
Look here. Look right here.
1442
01:29:22,442 --> 01:29:24,035
Okay. And how old are you?
1443
01:29:24,213 --> 01:29:25,578
[LAUGHING]
1444
01:29:25,748 --> 01:29:27,944
Who's in the middle? Look over here.
1445
01:29:28,118 --> 01:29:30,952
All right. Go dance, drink eggnog.
1446
01:29:31,122 --> 01:29:33,115
- Hey, sexy cameraman.
- Hey, ladies.
1447
01:29:33,292 --> 01:29:36,195
- Connor, we're really worried about you.
- Need we remind you...
1448
01:29:36,364 --> 01:29:40,064
...as man-whore in residence, you have
certain duties to the single ladies here?
1449
01:29:40,238 --> 01:29:44,176
That is very tempting, ladies, it is.
1450
01:29:45,179 --> 01:29:47,171
- But, uh, I'm out.
- No.
1451
01:29:47,616 --> 01:29:50,017
Ladies, thank you, but no thank you.
Hmm?
1452
01:29:50,186 --> 01:29:54,125
Hey, hard-to-get only works
if you eventually give in.
1453
01:29:54,927 --> 01:29:56,487
One more time.
1454
01:29:56,664 --> 01:29:59,600
- Hey.
CONNOR: Good night.
1455
01:30:23,908 --> 01:30:27,402
JENNY: Hey.
- Congratulations.
1456
01:30:27,581 --> 01:30:30,575
You did it.
You pulled off a great wedding.
1457
01:30:31,119 --> 01:30:32,985
We pulled off a great wedding.
1458
01:30:33,423 --> 01:30:36,758
Of course, if I wouldn't have broken it,
it wouldn't have needed fixing.
1459
01:30:36,928 --> 01:30:39,524
JENNY: True, true, true.
- Ha, ha.
1460
01:30:41,369 --> 01:30:43,839
- Okay, I have to know.
- Mm.
1461
01:30:45,076 --> 01:30:47,102
What happened to you last night?
1462
01:30:47,279 --> 01:30:51,116
Because yesterday, you were just
your usual handsome, awful self.
1463
01:30:51,286 --> 01:30:54,313
But then today,
you became the guy I used to know.
1464
01:30:55,125 --> 01:31:00,190
The one I always thought, deep down,
you actually were.
1465
01:31:00,366 --> 01:31:03,860
I honestly don't know
what the hell happened to me last night.
1466
01:31:04,038 --> 01:31:08,844
I don't. But I do know that
I'm seeing things more clearly today...
1467
01:31:09,015 --> 01:31:11,280
...than any time that I can remember.
1468
01:31:11,451 --> 01:31:13,352
Like the way I feel about you.
1469
01:31:15,524 --> 01:31:17,993
That's something that has never changed.
1470
01:31:20,966 --> 01:31:23,094
I wish I could believe you.
1471
01:31:24,539 --> 01:31:27,236
We've just been through this before...
1472
01:31:28,845 --> 01:31:33,410
...so how do I know it's not just
another line from the Mead-family playbook?
1473
01:31:34,288 --> 01:31:35,722
Hmm.
1474
01:31:48,243 --> 01:31:50,075
You remember her?
1475
01:31:55,556 --> 01:31:57,320
You kept it.
1476
01:31:58,727 --> 01:32:00,390
Yeah.
1477
01:32:00,930 --> 01:32:03,902
I've had that on me
since the day I took it.
1478
01:32:05,371 --> 01:32:06,896
I can't believe it.
1479
01:32:08,477 --> 01:32:10,707
Give me one more chance.
1480
01:32:10,880 --> 01:32:12,974
I'll do better.
1481
01:32:13,451 --> 01:32:17,891
Whatever it takes.
The wooing, the spooning, I am all in.
1482
01:32:18,960 --> 01:32:20,622
Even massages with our clothes on?
1483
01:32:22,098 --> 01:32:23,930
No. No, that's where I draw the line.
1484
01:32:24,101 --> 01:32:25,967
- Well?
- No massages with clothes on.
1485
01:32:26,137 --> 01:32:28,164
Not a chance.
1486
01:32:28,642 --> 01:32:31,044
I promise you this:
1487
01:32:31,447 --> 01:32:33,575
When you wake up in the morning...
1488
01:32:36,055 --> 01:32:37,579
...l'll be there.
1489
01:32:38,324 --> 01:32:40,088
Every time.
1490
01:33:04,400 --> 01:33:05,959
JENNY:
What?
1491
01:33:06,268 --> 01:33:07,827
What is it?
1492
01:33:08,372 --> 01:33:09,465
Ha, ha. Nothing.
1493
01:33:09,641 --> 01:33:11,633
[BAND PLAYING REO SPEEDWAGON'S
"KEEP ON LO VING YOU"]
1494
01:33:11,811 --> 01:33:13,541
I just recognize this song.
1495
01:33:15,417 --> 01:33:17,249
Oh, yeah.
1496
01:33:19,124 --> 01:33:22,152
- May I have this dance?
- Finally.
1497
01:33:22,329 --> 01:33:25,790
- Pete Hastings, eat your heart out.
- Ha, ha.
1498
01:33:28,838 --> 01:33:31,536
That's how it's done, Dutch.
1499
01:33:31,711 --> 01:33:34,180
That's how it's done.
1500
01:33:35,416 --> 01:33:40,322
Well, work's over. What do you say, doll?
Let's get naked.
1501
01:33:41,426 --> 01:33:43,087
Mm.
1502
01:33:43,262 --> 01:33:46,496
Dry. I love it.
1503
01:33:47,303 --> 01:33:49,965
You know, I'm interviewing
for a new secretary.
1504
01:33:50,139 --> 01:33:53,111
- Mm?
- How good is your dictation?
1505
01:33:53,279 --> 01:33:55,646
You get it? "Dick-tation"?
1506
01:33:55,816 --> 01:34:00,279
Please, I'm actually at this party.
1507
01:34:13,444 --> 01:34:15,072
BOTH:
Hi.
1508
01:34:16,548 --> 01:34:18,177
[ALLISON SLURPING DRINK]
1509
01:34:23,126 --> 01:34:26,097
Looks like it's just you and me, sweetie.
1510
01:34:26,832 --> 01:34:29,962
Oh, I love those scrunchies.
1511
01:34:30,873 --> 01:34:32,774
Ew, ha, ha.
1512
01:34:32,942 --> 01:34:35,036
I'm, like, 16.
1513
01:34:35,212 --> 01:34:39,344
We're ghosts, baby. We're ageless.
1514
01:34:56,980 --> 01:35:01,147
Okay, Connor Mead's out. Who's next?
1515
01:35:01,321 --> 01:35:02,880
Paul's desperate work friends?
1516
01:35:03,892 --> 01:35:06,259
- Yeah. I'm back to you.
- I think I'm loosening up.
1517
01:35:06,931 --> 01:35:09,025
- Let's do this thing.
- Yeah, all right.
1518
01:35:09,200 --> 01:35:11,362
- Okay, I get the little one.
- You can have him.
1519
01:35:11,537 --> 01:35:15,169
- Okay.
- I said, I get the little one.
1520
01:35:15,345 --> 01:35:17,278
- Hey.
- Hey.
1521
01:35:17,446 --> 01:35:21,318
- You're so cute.
- You look just like my sister. Why would l...?
1522
01:35:23,089 --> 01:35:24,751
Mind if I cut in?
1523
01:35:34,642 --> 01:35:37,306
You know, it makes me happy.
1524
01:35:40,551 --> 01:35:42,817
You did a wonderful job with her, Von.
1525
01:35:42,989 --> 01:35:45,652
So did you, Mervis.
1526
01:35:47,863 --> 01:35:51,460
You repeat that name to anyone,
you're a dead man.
1527
01:35:56,443 --> 01:35:57,570
[ALL CHEERING]
1528
01:35:59,316 --> 01:36:01,647
- Sandy, right here.
- No, no.
1529
01:36:08,696 --> 01:36:09,891
[GASPS]
1530
01:36:10,066 --> 01:36:11,727
Kako.
1531
01:36:13,037 --> 01:36:15,769
[IN JAPANESE]
1532
01:36:16,509 --> 01:36:18,536
Yes.
1533
01:40:33,690 --> 01:40:35,488
CONNOR:
What...? What did...?