1 00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:48,078 (TAPPING ON MIC) 2 00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,915 RICKY GERVAIS: Testing. Testing. 3 00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:56,470 Testing over the credits. The credits that no one cares about. 4 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,259 "Ooh, we're the business people. 5 00:00:58,350 --> 00:01:02,309 "Ooh, we want our credit before the film starts, 'cause... " 6 00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:03,597 Anyway. 7 00:01:03,689 --> 00:01:05,896 The story you're about to see takes place in a world 8 00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:09,271 where the human race has never evolved the ability to tell a lie. 9 00:01:09,361 --> 00:01:11,352 This is a typical town in that world. 10 00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:15,982 As you can see, people have jobs and cars and houses and families, 11 00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:18,825 but everyone tells the absolute truth. 12 00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:22,663 There's no such thing as deceit or flattery or fiction. 13 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:24,907 People say exactly what they think, 14 00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:27,414 and sometimes that can come across as a bit harsh. 15 00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:30,086 But they've got no choice in the matter. It's their nature. 16 00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:32,004 Look, I'm not coming in to work today. 17 00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:34,466 No, I'm not sick. I just hate it there. 18 00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:38,170 Oh, your baby is so ugly. It's like a little rat. 19 00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:43,092 Wow! I just took one of the biggest poops of my whole life. 20 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,266 What are you ordering? 21 00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:47,596 GERVAIS: So if you're a chubby, little loser like this guy, for example, 22 00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:49,352 that's Mark Bellison, by the way, 23 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:52,901 then you're all alone and at the bottom of the pile. 24 00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:56,196 But later on in the story, his luck's gonna change 25 00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:58,490 when he tells the world's first lie. 26 00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:01,068 He doesn't even know it himself yet. 27 00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:03,279 So look forward to that. 28 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:08,993 (EXHALES) 29 00:02:13,425 --> 00:02:15,131 Don't blow this. 30 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,139 -Hi! -Hi. 31 00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:31,689 You're early. 32 00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:33,563 I was just masturbating. 33 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,270 That makes me think of your vagina. 34 00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:40,108 I'm Mark. How are you? 35 00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,612 A little frustrated at the moment. 36 00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:45,821 Also, equally depressed and pessimistic about our date tonight. 37 00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:47,455 Sure. 38 00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:49,453 I'm Anna. Come on in. 39 00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:54,000 Um... Just wait there. 40 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,627 I need to finish getting ready. 41 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,549 While doing that, I might realise I'm still horny 42 00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,593 and try to finish masturbating without you hearing. 43 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,091 (CHUCKLES) 44 00:03:12,818 --> 00:03:15,025 I feel awkward now about being early. 45 00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:17,398 ANNA: Yeah, I'm disappointed that you're early 46 00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:19,525 and not really looking forward to tonight in general, 47 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,607 but the thought of being alone the rest of my life 48 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,489 scares both my mother and me equally. 49 00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:25,948 Sure. 50 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,128 Oh. 51 00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:42,920 I'm thinking you've started masturbating, 'cause it's like it's too quiet. 52 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:47,007 And you said you were gonna try and do it without me hearing. 53 00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:54,515 I'm worried the restaurant I've picked isn't expensive enough for you. 54 00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:58,276 It's all I can afford 55 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,103 in my situation. 56 00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,031 I know I'm in my 40s, 57 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,618 but I haven't got any financial assets to speak of. 58 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:11,331 Also, my boss said he's probably gonna fire me this week. 59 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:19,214 Wow! 60 00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:20,707 I just masturbated. 61 00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:23,426 That makes me horny. I hope this date ends in sex. 62 00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:24,753 I don't find you attractive. 63 00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:25,963 Oh! 64 00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:28,173 Shall we? 65 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:29,929 Yeah. 66 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,011 -After you. -Thanks. 67 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,513 (SIGHS) 68 00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:41,861 -This is not as nice as I remember it. -What are we gonna talk about? 69 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:44,109 Hi. I'm threatened by you. 70 00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:47,034 Mark Bellison. Table for 2. 71 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,202 Of course. Come with me. 72 00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:55,617 MARK: Thank you. 73 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,539 Thank you. 74 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,710 -Plastic. -I'm very embarrassed I work here. 75 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,166 -Hi. -Hi. 76 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,592 -Hello. -And you're very pretty. 77 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,048 That only makes this worse. 78 00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,380 (CLEARS THROAT) Can I get you two started on some drinks? 79 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,340 -ANNA: Yes. -I'll have a Budweiser, please. 80 00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,426 I'll have a mango margarita, 81 00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:16,059 and I'll probably have 3 more drinks by the end of the night. 82 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,560 -Your sister? -No. 83 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,267 -Daughter? -No. 84 00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:21,477 She's way out of your league. 85 00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:22,606 (STAMMERS) 86 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:24,107 Thank you. 87 00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:32,988 Shall I ask you some questions about yourself? 88 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,243 Yes. 89 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,332 How do you spend your days? 90 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:37,579 I get up at 8:00 in the morning 91 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,707 because the noise from my alarm clock interrupts my sleep. 92 00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:42,631 And I lean over and just turn it off. 93 00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:44,958 Turn it off. That's more specific than I thought. 94 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:46,463 -Oh. What did you want to know? -Just... 95 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:49,592 -Well, do you have a job? -I have a job in an office. 96 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:50,968 -What do you do? -I'm an executive. 97 00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:52,174 -Do you enjoy that? -No. 98 00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:54,305 -Oh! -But I enjoy the end result of the job, 99 00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:55,932 which is money. 100 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,809 And also the hours are pretty good for the amount of money I make, 101 00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:02,776 which I spend on things I like, such as clothes and hiking and drinking, 102 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,774 even though I know it's bad for me. 103 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:08,403 But I'd rather just get all the money and not have to work for the results. 104 00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:09,858 Oh, sure. 105 00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:12,785 Tell me something about you, though. 106 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,784 You already know a lot about me. 107 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:18,538 You know I'm good-looking because, well, here I am. 108 00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,540 And you know that I'm successful 109 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,997 because you've seen my apartment and the clothes that I'm wearing. 110 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:27,342 And you know I'm happy because I'm smiling. 111 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,631 -Are you always happy? -Usually. 112 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:32,715 Some days I stay in bed, eating and crying. 113 00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:37,310 -There you go. -Thank you. 114 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:41,481 -I had a little sip of this from right there, so... -Okay. 115 00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:45,318 You guys ready to order or do you need a moment? 116 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:46,732 I'm good. 117 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:50,407 Oh! I'll have the Caesar salad with chicken because I think I'm fat, 118 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:53,326 but I also think I deserve something that tastes good. 119 00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:56,071 I'll have the fish tacos 'cause it's what I had last time I was here. 120 00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,827 It's all I know. 121 00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,867 Great. I'll get those 2 started. 122 00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,710 If I gave you my number, would you call me? 123 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:03,954 No. 124 00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:06,123 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 125 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:07,923 Sorry. It's my mom. 126 00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:11,344 I think she's probably checking on the date. It won't take long. 127 00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:12,679 Hello. 128 00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:15,014 Yes, I'm with him right now. 129 00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:19,182 No, not very attractive. No, doesn't make much money. 130 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:22,764 It's all right, though. Seems nice. Kind of funny. 131 00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:24,269 A bit fat. 132 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:28,362 Has a funny little snub nose. 133 00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:29,696 (EXCLAIMS) 134 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:33,275 Kind of like a frog in the facial area. 135 00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:34,530 Yeah, but... 136 00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,779 No, I won't be sleeping with him tonight. 137 00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:39,205 No. Probably not even a kiss. 138 00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:42,538 Okay. You, too. Bye. Sorry about that. 139 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:45,291 It's all right. Don't think twice. How is your mum, all right? 140 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:48,044 -She's all right... -Great. That's... 141 00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:57,223 Thanks for going on this date with me. 142 00:07:57,686 --> 00:08:01,224 You're way out of my league, and I know you only did it as a favour to Greg 143 00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:04,848 and I'll probably never hear from you again, but... 144 00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:08,352 I had a better time than I thought I'd have. 145 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,985 But I won't really know how I feel about you till I'm a little less drunk. 146 00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,281 -Sure. -Yeah. 147 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:17,407 Well, call me tomorrow if you still like me when you're sober. 148 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,074 I might. 149 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,622 Oh! Thank you for kissing me on the cheek. 150 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:25,828 I know you didn't have to do... You're very pretty! Good night! 151 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:32,543 MAN: (ON TV)...first used roughly 4,000 years ago on Celtic chariots, 152 00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:39,349 was, for the most part, unchanged by man until the late 1800s. 153 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,937 Hi, I'm Bob. I'm the spokesperson for The Coca-Cola Company. 154 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,481 I'm here today to ask you to continue buying Coke. 155 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:48,104 I'm sure it's the drink you've been drinking for years 156 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:49,730 and if you still enjoy it, well, I'd like to remind you 157 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,277 to buy it again sometime soon. 158 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,693 It's basically just brown sugar water. 159 00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:55,148 Haven't changed the ingredients much lately, 160 00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:57,279 so there's nothing new I can tell you about that. 161 00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,235 Changed the can around a little bit, though. 162 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:00,866 You can see the colours are different there, 163 00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:03,073 and we've added a polar bear, so the kids like us. 164 00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:05,875 Coke's very high in sugar, and like any high-calorie soda, 165 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:09,420 it can lead to obesity in children and adults who don't sustain a very healthy diet. 166 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:12,169 And that's it. It's Coke. It's very famous. Everyone knows it. 167 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:15,718 I'm Bob. I work for Coke. And I'm asking you to not stop buying Coke. 168 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,090 That's all. 169 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:18,217 (SLURPING) 170 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,840 It's a bit sweet. 171 00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,099 Thank you. 172 00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:35,859 (ELEVATOR DINGS) 173 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,693 Hold the elevator. 174 00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:45,032 -Hey, Mark. How's it going? -Hi, Frank. Not too well. 175 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:48,618 I went on a date last night with a girl I've had a crush on for years, 176 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,294 and she'll most likely never call me again. 177 00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:54,795 Oh, and I think I'm getting fired today. How about you? 178 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,837 Oh, I'm not too great, actually. 179 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,547 I've been throwing up painkillers all night 180 00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:05,102 because I'm too afraid to take enough to actually kill myself, so... 181 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,474 (ELEVATOR DINGS) 182 00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:10,147 See you tomorrow. 183 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:14,148 If I'm not dead, then sure. 184 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:17,613 -Good. That's settled, then. -All right. Have a nice day. 185 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:18,780 MARK: Cheers. 186 00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:40,428 This isn't natural! None of this is natural! We're all animals! 187 00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:43,507 Why am I wearing clothes? How do you people live like this? 188 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,055 Why is there all this concrete? 189 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,853 I woke up this morning and realised, not only do I not love you, 190 00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:51,431 but also the thought of sleeping with you sickens me. 191 00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:54,233 That should make me not love you, but it only makes me love you more. 192 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,355 (GROANS IN FRUSTRATION) 193 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:10,708 I just don't want to go in there today. I just don't, you know? 194 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:17,212 All of Lecture Films' productions are written, filmed and edited on this very lot. 195 00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:21,261 In fact, this building is where Lecture Films' talented writers 196 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:25,215 scour the world's past events for the most dramatic, 197 00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:28,802 entertaining and even hilarious moments from world history, 198 00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:32,981 which are then turned into scripts, handed over to our world-famous readers 199 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:37,276 to read off of teleprompters and then filmed for your viewing pleasure. 200 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:40,651 Now, if you'll just follow me over here, I will give you a sneak peek 201 00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:43,905 of Lecture Films' upcoming summer blockbuster, 202 00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:47,658 Napoleon: 1812 to 1813. 203 00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,907 MALE NARRATOR: Coming soon from Lecture Films, 204 00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:55,462 screenplay by Brad Kessler and starring Nathan Goldfrappe, 205 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:59,166 Napoleon : 1812 to 1813. 206 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:03,094 And so Napoleon invaded Russia 207 00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:07,299 with a brute force of nearly 700,000 men behind him, 208 00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:11,887 armed with muskets and supported by cannon brigades. 209 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,893 Crippled by disease and hunger, 210 00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:17,851 Napoleon's men persevered. 211 00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:19,732 It was then that... 212 00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:20,902 Oh, look, everyone. 213 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:24,482 There's Mark Bellison, one of Lecture Films' very own screenwriters. 214 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:28,069 Mark is one of Lecture Films' least successful screenwriters. 215 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,780 I also hear he's most likely getting fired today. 216 00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,035 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 217 00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,993 Let's go to the editing bay, where we can watch them put the final touches 218 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:39,548 on the upcoming Lecture Films feature, The Invention of the Fork. Right this way. 219 00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:40,623 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 220 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,055 Morning, Shelley. 221 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:53,181 Hi, Mark. 222 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:56,481 I realise more and more every day how overqualified I am for this position 223 00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:59,309 and how incompetent you are at yours. 224 00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:00,901 Any messages? 225 00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:04,607 Anthony is coming up within the hour to see if he can get up the courage to fire you. 226 00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:07,443 If he can't, he said that he'll definitely do it tomorrow. 227 00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,949 Anything else? Any messages not to do with being fired? 228 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:11,904 Well, I told everyone you're getting fired this week 229 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,536 and they shouldn't expect their calls returned, 230 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:14,991 so no one left any messages. 231 00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:16,872 Okay. Next time... 232 00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,703 I don't think there'll be a next time. 233 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,834 ...take the message, just in case I don't get fired. 234 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,085 You're almost definitely getting fired. 235 00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:24,508 Yeah, but I'm still here now, so... 236 00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:25,880 Seems like a waste of time. 237 00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,052 No, it's not. 238 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:30,803 You're getting paid for it, so let's take the message in case I don't get... 239 00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:32,804 -But everyone knows that you are. -Hasn't happened yet. 240 00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:35,432 Okay. But everyone knows you are. 241 00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,724 I'll be in the office, don't... 242 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,105 Okay. I'll be searching for new jobs on Craigslist. 243 00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:43,982 You should probably just get on with your work. 244 00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:46,064 SHELLEY: No, thank you! 245 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,416 Anthony? 246 00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:14,096 Come in. What? 247 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:19,814 Come in. 248 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:27,401 Well, you look really depressed today. That's gonna make this so much harder. 249 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,323 -Anthony, don't fire me. -Oh, Mark. 250 00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:31,321 The 1300s, they're so boring. 251 00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:36,076 And the last 2 scripts you turned in were depressing. 252 00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:37,623 They were about the Black Plague. 253 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,951 It's the 1300s. What am I meant to write about? 254 00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:43,459 It's not totally your fault, Mark. You got stuck with a tough century. 255 00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:46,040 -No, no, I can make it work. -Mark. 256 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:47,500 Just give it up. 257 00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:50,883 Nothing new is gonna have happened in the 1300s. 258 00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:54,716 At Lecture Films, we just want to take the big-name readers of the day 259 00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:59,225 and have them read the stories that people know and love. 260 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:01,560 I'm having... 261 00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:04,525 Can I... Do you mind if I... 262 00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,273 -I come back and do this tomorrow? -Oh, well... 263 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:10,528 No, I just got nervous about firing you. I just don't do well with confrontation. 264 00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:13,906 Hey, maybe... Maybe if I just sleep on it. 265 00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:16,703 Well, then I'll be thinking, "Will he fire me, won't he fire me?" 266 00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:19,749 -You're fired. -I am fired, yeah? 'Cause I sort of... 267 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:22,043 Yeah. Oh, boy. 268 00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:24,920 (COMPUTER CHIMES) 269 00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:27,919 (SIGHS) 270 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,593 ANNA: Mark, I woke up this morning, sober, and realised that, 271 00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:33,262 while I did enjoy your company, 272 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:36,557 based on your looks, your financial situation and your position in life, 273 00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:38,635 I have no interest in you romantically. 274 00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:41,061 I'm just too far out of your league. Anna. 275 00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,889 (GROANING) 276 00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:44,895 Is that 'cause you just got fired? 277 00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:48,023 And 'cause I just got an e-mail from a woman who... 278 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:52,574 Yeah, my favourite part was when she said it was based on your looks. 279 00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,575 You read my e-mail? 280 00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:56,618 Yeah. Everyone's read it. 281 00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:58,867 It's the best one you've had all year. 282 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,323 Not for me. 283 00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:03,000 I'm gonna get a snack. Do you want a snack? 284 00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:15,429 So? 285 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:19,225 I loathed almost every minute that I worked for you. 286 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:21,806 So, what are you gonna do now? 287 00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:24,688 I don't know. 288 00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:26,857 But I don't hold out much hope for the future. 289 00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:29,902 I don't have a lot of hope for you either, but I wish you good luck. 290 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,525 -Bye, Mark. -Bye, Shelley. 291 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:32,696 -Mark! -Yeah? 292 00:16:32,783 --> 00:16:34,444 -Do you mind if I talk to you for a second? -No. 293 00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:36,742 -I heard the news they were firing you, huh? -Yeah. 294 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,491 -That must be hard. -Yeah. 295 00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:42,665 Well, I just wanted to say goodbye, and I've always hated you. 296 00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:44,458 -You've always... -Hated you. 297 00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:47,161 -I didn't know that. -Yeah, a lot of people knew it. 298 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:49,588 -What, you told other people you hated me? -Yeah. 299 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,336 I even turned some people against you. 300 00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,543 Is that why you came over to talk to me? To tell me you hated me? 301 00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:56,004 No, I came to say goodbye to you, 302 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:57,508 and the rest of it just sort of happened on its own. 303 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,090 Came out, yeah, sure. 304 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:02,928 I always knew that the Black Plague would never work as a movie. 305 00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:06,101 You're an awful writer, assigned to an awful century. 306 00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:08,065 And you're a little man-bitch. 307 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:09,771 (MOUTHING) Man-bitch. 308 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:13,605 But I've always been threatened by you 309 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,027 because there's something about you that I don't understand, 310 00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:18,450 and I hate things that I don't understand. 311 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,950 But you'll always be a loser. 312 00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:23,789 And I'll always be more successful than you in nearly every way, 313 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,707 and that's just the way it is. 314 00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:28,036 Oh, and Shelley thinks you're an overweight homosexual. 315 00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,792 -No, I never said that. -Thank you. 316 00:17:30,925 --> 00:17:32,210 I said, "Fat faggot. 317 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,963 "Fatty, fat faggot." 318 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,134 I stand corrected. 319 00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:37,553 And I was upset with "overweight homosexual." 320 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,301 Doesn't matter. Either way, you're a dumpy little queer. 321 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:40,468 (EXCLAIMS) 322 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,597 Mark, try to enjoy your loser life. 323 00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:45,727 (EXHALES) 324 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:46,804 SHELLEY: He's awesome. 325 00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:48,306 Well, no. 326 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,976 Your opinion. Bye, Shelley. 327 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:53,652 I look forward to never seeing you. 328 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:09,160 NURSE: Mrs. Johnson, you have got to take your medicine. 329 00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:17,009 -Hi. -Are you here to abandon an elderly person? 330 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:20,338 I already have. Martha Bellison, I'm her son. 331 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,594 Ooh, it's good you're here. She's not doing well. 332 00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:24,346 You should say your final goodbyes today. 333 00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,844 Yeah. Someone says that to me every time I come here. 334 00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:29,597 She's at the top of our death pool. 335 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:39,031 You look like my dead son! 336 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,530 Each day is worse than the last. 337 00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:46,031 I'm on pills that make everything orange! 338 00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:50,710 (STATIC CRACKLING) 339 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:58,884 Oh, Mum, this is so depressing. At least look out of the window. 340 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,211 Telly's broken. 341 00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:01,383 It's not broken. 342 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,806 You probably sat on the remote and changed the channel again. 343 00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:04,973 Yeah, you have, look. 344 00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:07,393 Gotta put it on channel 3 for the satellite to work. 345 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,472 I don't understand anything you just said. 346 00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:12,978 That makes me scared and angry. 347 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,058 (SIGHS) 348 00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:15,901 Lost my job today, Mum. 349 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:19,401 I'm in my 40s, and I'm alone with no prospects. 350 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:23,572 Things aren't much better for me here. But could be worse. 351 00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:25,903 We could be homeless. 352 00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,165 Don't you wish you could change things? 353 00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:32,585 Don't you wish you weren't such a loser? 354 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,079 Well, I don't think I'm a loser. 355 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:36,422 You are, Mum. Definitely. 356 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:39,166 We come from a long line of losers. It's not your fault. 357 00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:40,751 You're a... 358 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:42,761 A loser. 359 00:19:43,766 --> 00:19:45,677 I love you, Mark. 360 00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:47,008 I love you, too, Mum. 361 00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:49,936 Good luck with finding a job, eh? 362 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,353 I'll go. 363 00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:52,938 (INHALES DEEPLY) 364 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:54,352 (STATIC CRACKLING) 365 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:55,683 Oops. 366 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:58,106 (ALARM BEEPING) 367 00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,687 MARK: Shut up! 368 00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,864 Haven't even got a job. 369 00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:05,109 (POUNDING ON DOOR) 370 00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:06,611 (SIGHS) 371 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,288 -Hi. -I'm here for the rent. 372 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,787 Yeah, I was gonna come and talk to you today. I got fired yesterday. 373 00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:18,130 I know. That's why I'm here for the rent. 374 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,546 -Yeah, I haven't got it. -How much do you have? 375 00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,377 I got about $300 left in my bank account. 376 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:26,430 -The rent's 800. -I know. I haven't got that. 377 00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:30,305 Then you're evicted. You got one day to get your stuff out of here. 378 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:32,553 Well, how am I gonna do that? 379 00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:34,889 You got $300. Rent a truck. 380 00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,238 What can I do for you today, sir? 381 00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:45,657 Just been evicted from my apartment. 382 00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:49,654 So I have to withdraw whatever I've got in my account to move my things out. 383 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,990 Think I have to close my account. 384 00:20:52,126 --> 00:20:54,993 Probably gonna be homeless. Mark Bellison. 385 00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:57,415 Unfortunately, sir, the system is down right now, 386 00:20:57,506 --> 00:21:00,998 so I'm not gonna be able to perform an account closure until it's back up. 387 00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:04,093 But I can help you with a withdrawal. How much would you like to withdraw today? 388 00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:06,922 -All of it. Whatever's left. -The system is down, sir. 389 00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:10,008 Can you tell me how much is in your account? 390 00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:13,181 Sir? 391 00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:18,682 MARK: $800. 392 00:21:23,199 --> 00:21:24,359 Sir? 393 00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:27,699 -$800. -Pardon me? 394 00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:29,534 I have $800 in my account. 395 00:21:29,663 --> 00:21:30,652 (COMPUTER CHIMES) 396 00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:33,114 Oh! The system just came back up. 397 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,040 -System seems to be back up, guys. -MAN: Thanks, Jill. 398 00:21:35,169 --> 00:21:39,412 Just a second while I access your account. You said you were withdrawing 800, correct? 399 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:41,334 Wait a second. 400 00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:44,417 It says here that you only have $300 in your account, 401 00:21:44,553 --> 00:21:46,919 but you said you wanted to withdraw 800? 402 00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:48,341 Yeah. 403 00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:49,717 I apologise, sir. 404 00:21:49,850 --> 00:21:52,592 It seems our system has made a mistake. Let's get you your $800. 405 00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:55,265 Did you want large bills or small? 406 00:21:55,898 --> 00:21:58,514 -Bills, large. -All right, here you go. 407 00:21:58,609 --> 00:22:03,603 That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, $800. 408 00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:05,570 Is there anything else I can do for you today, sir? 409 00:22:05,699 --> 00:22:06,688 Uh-uh! 410 00:22:06,784 --> 00:22:08,149 Sorry for the inconvenience. 411 00:22:08,244 --> 00:22:09,609 (MUMBLES) 412 00:22:40,734 --> 00:22:43,646 -What are you doing here? -Paying my rent. 413 00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:58,248 Come on! 414 00:22:58,419 --> 00:23:00,330 (EXCLAIMING GLEEFULLY) 415 00:23:00,963 --> 00:23:06,003 MARK: Today, I stumbled upon something that no man has ever stumbled on before. 416 00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:09,798 What I've done, they'll write about in history books for generations to come. 417 00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:15,516 And yet, moments ago, it was unfathomable, not only to myself but to mankind as a whole. 418 00:23:15,644 --> 00:23:16,804 It's hard to describe. 419 00:23:17,313 --> 00:23:21,147 And it was as easy as... How do I explain this? 420 00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:24,642 I said something that wasn't. 421 00:23:26,030 --> 00:23:27,190 Huh? 422 00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:31,987 I said something that wasn't. I... 423 00:23:32,494 --> 00:23:34,735 What's the word for it? There is no word for it. 424 00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:37,446 Of course there isn't. I invented it. 425 00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:40,161 Watch this. Jim! 426 00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:45,045 What? 427 00:23:46,175 --> 00:23:48,336 My name is Doug. 428 00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:52,798 -Your name is Doug? -Hi, Doug. 429 00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:58,180 That's so weird I never knew your real name. Doug is good. It suits you. 430 00:23:59,188 --> 00:24:00,519 Come on! 431 00:24:01,357 --> 00:24:02,392 What's my name? 432 00:24:02,524 --> 00:24:03,730 -It's Doug. -Doug. 433 00:24:03,859 --> 00:24:06,100 No, it's not! It's Mark! 434 00:24:06,195 --> 00:24:08,151 -Your name is Mark? -Hi, Mark. 435 00:24:08,238 --> 00:24:10,854 -Mark suits you even better. -Marko. 436 00:24:12,076 --> 00:24:14,362 Okay, you're not getting it. 437 00:24:14,703 --> 00:24:15,988 Marko. 438 00:24:17,164 --> 00:24:19,155 -I'm black. -I knew it. 439 00:24:19,249 --> 00:24:21,035 You're very light-skinned, but I can see it. 440 00:24:21,168 --> 00:24:24,080 -I always wanted a black friend. -Me, too. 441 00:24:24,338 --> 00:24:25,578 I'm an Eskimo. 442 00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:26,749 Fantastic! 443 00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:28,247 Yeah, I've never seen a black Eskimo. 444 00:24:28,384 --> 00:24:29,419 I'm a pirate. 445 00:24:29,551 --> 00:24:31,883 -I didn't know they still had those. -Are you a dangerous pirate? 446 00:24:32,012 --> 00:24:34,253 I'm a lion tamer, and I'm wearing a wig. 447 00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:36,051 Aren't you scared you'll get bitten one day? 448 00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:37,593 That's a fantastic wig. 449 00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:39,808 -I invented the bicycle. -I love your work. 450 00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:41,851 Can I get a discount on a 10-speed? 451 00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:44,681 I'm a one-armed German space explorer. 452 00:24:44,775 --> 00:24:45,855 When's your launch date? 453 00:24:45,943 --> 00:24:46,978 (JIM GREETS IN GERMAN) 454 00:24:47,069 --> 00:24:49,025 That's a very lifelike prosthetic. 455 00:24:49,113 --> 00:24:50,819 This is incredible. 456 00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:53,773 Come on, let's up the stakes a little bit. Come on. 457 00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:57,572 If you could make the world the way you wanted it to be, 458 00:24:59,415 --> 00:25:00,450 what would you do? 459 00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:05,292 If you could change anything, if you could do anything, 460 00:25:05,421 --> 00:25:07,036 what's the first thing you'd do? 461 00:25:07,131 --> 00:25:08,746 If I could do anything? 462 00:25:08,882 --> 00:25:10,418 Anything at all? 463 00:25:10,551 --> 00:25:12,257 Anything at all. 464 00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:17,171 I would touch girls' boobs. 465 00:25:17,266 --> 00:25:18,426 Yes. 466 00:25:20,769 --> 00:25:22,100 And maybe have sex with them, too. 467 00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:24,143 Oh, agreed. That, too. 468 00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:28,686 Okay. Let's try that. 469 00:25:31,447 --> 00:25:33,438 -Where are you going? -Out. 470 00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:52,790 Don't look at me. I'm not attracted to you. 471 00:25:52,885 --> 00:25:55,046 -No, listen. -Don't bother. I've heard it all before. 472 00:25:55,137 --> 00:25:58,629 The world's gonna end unless we have sex right now! 473 00:26:01,477 --> 00:26:05,846 Do we have time to get to a motel, or do we need to do it right here? 474 00:26:09,485 --> 00:26:10,691 Motel. 475 00:26:14,406 --> 00:26:15,486 WOMAN: Help me get my dress off. 476 00:26:15,574 --> 00:26:17,360 Hold on, wait, wait. Let's get to know each other first. 477 00:26:17,493 --> 00:26:19,779 No! We have to have sex. The world is going to end! 478 00:26:19,870 --> 00:26:20,950 I don't even know your... 479 00:26:21,038 --> 00:26:22,744 Think of the children! Think of the little babies. 480 00:26:22,831 --> 00:26:25,538 Let's have a drink. You look like you'd like a... 481 00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:27,999 -$10 for a beer. That is... -Don't you understand? 482 00:26:28,087 --> 00:26:30,123 -We are all going to die! -This isn't right. 483 00:26:30,214 --> 00:26:32,170 Well, of course this isn't right, the world is going to end! 484 00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:33,497 We have to have sex right now! 485 00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:36,755 Oh, hold on. Hi, NASA. Yeah, it's me. 486 00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:38,843 (EXCLAIMS QUESTIONINGLY) 487 00:26:38,931 --> 00:26:41,047 I'll let her know. That is good news. 488 00:26:41,183 --> 00:26:42,593 -Now. -Thank you. 489 00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:44,633 World's not gonna end. We don't have to... 490 00:26:44,728 --> 00:26:47,344 -(GASPS) We're gonna live! -...sex. 491 00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:49,562 We're gonna live! 492 00:26:49,691 --> 00:26:52,353 Thank you! Oh, thank you! 493 00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:57,688 -I've gotta go. -Can't you stay? 494 00:26:57,783 --> 00:27:00,195 We've been through so much together. 495 00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:01,365 (DOOR CLOSES) 496 00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:12,290 Well, that was one of the worst experiences of my life. 497 00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:15,296 Did you invent a new kind of bike? 498 00:27:15,384 --> 00:27:18,717 What else would you do? If you could do anything. 499 00:27:19,805 --> 00:27:22,046 -Boob. -No, we've done boobs. 500 00:27:22,599 --> 00:27:25,056 What's the next thing you'd do? 501 00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:29,428 -Eh? -Well, what would you do? 502 00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:33,481 I'd get money. 503 00:27:35,237 --> 00:27:37,228 I'd get all the money. 504 00:27:38,907 --> 00:27:39,942 Come on. 505 00:27:40,075 --> 00:27:42,407 -Where are we going? -On a trip. 506 00:27:42,494 --> 00:27:43,950 I'll drive. 507 00:27:47,624 --> 00:27:49,660 I shouldn't be driving. 508 00:27:49,918 --> 00:27:51,749 But I don't care. I'm trying to hit bottom. 509 00:27:51,837 --> 00:27:53,418 (SIREN WAILING) 510 00:27:54,965 --> 00:27:57,297 Here comes bottom. Pull over. 511 00:27:57,426 --> 00:27:58,791 Just stop. 512 00:28:02,222 --> 00:28:05,806 All right, do me a favour. Let me do the talking, okay? 513 00:28:05,934 --> 00:28:07,265 GREG: I think I'm gonna puke. 514 00:28:07,394 --> 00:28:08,804 MARK: Do not puke in front of an officer of the law. 515 00:28:08,937 --> 00:28:12,100 GREG: Don't tell me not to puke 'cause that'll make me puke more. 516 00:28:12,733 --> 00:28:14,974 Hello, Officer. How are you? 517 00:28:15,944 --> 00:28:19,107 Well, I'm relieved you're not a couple of black guys. 518 00:28:19,239 --> 00:28:21,230 There's a much higher probability that I'd be jumpy, 519 00:28:21,325 --> 00:28:24,112 shoot you without provocation, and then I could lose my weapon. 520 00:28:24,244 --> 00:28:25,700 That's good. 521 00:28:25,787 --> 00:28:28,028 -I don't want to go to jail. -He doesn't want to go to jail. 522 00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:30,364 Have you been drinking and operating this motor vehicle? 523 00:28:30,459 --> 00:28:32,996 -Yeah, a lot of drink. -Well, then you're probably going to jail. 524 00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:34,459 I'm gonna need you to breathe into this for me. 525 00:28:34,588 --> 00:28:36,044 Officer, you don't need to do that. 526 00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:38,372 I'm gonna say that, judging by the look of this car, 527 00:28:38,467 --> 00:28:39,752 you can't afford my bribe. 528 00:28:39,843 --> 00:28:41,458 Why? How much do you charge? 529 00:28:41,595 --> 00:28:42,801 5,400. 530 00:28:43,430 --> 00:28:44,419 That's a lot. 531 00:28:44,514 --> 00:28:46,880 That's too much, I think. Why so high? 532 00:28:46,975 --> 00:28:49,432 I have an expensive cocaine habit. 533 00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:51,475 But, you know, it's more than that. 534 00:28:51,605 --> 00:28:56,269 I feel like when I set the price up higher, it takes it out of the realm of petty crime 535 00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:58,191 and helps me preserve my sense of personal integrity. 536 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:00,686 Sort of feeling of self worth if you're... Yeah. 537 00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:02,028 Well, it was nice chatting with you. 538 00:29:02,157 --> 00:29:05,820 Anywho, I'm still gonna need you to breathe into this for me. 539 00:29:05,953 --> 00:29:08,820 You're gonna wanna blow, not suck there. 540 00:29:10,123 --> 00:29:11,488 (SNORING) 541 00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:16,959 (BEEPING) 542 00:29:17,047 --> 00:29:20,084 Oh, yeah. That's pretty much off the chart. You're drunk. 543 00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:23,713 -You're going to jail. Step out of the vehicle. -I don't want to. 544 00:29:23,845 --> 00:29:26,257 Sir, I'm gonna ask you to exit the vehicle one more time. 545 00:29:26,348 --> 00:29:27,633 -Might as well. -I can't. 546 00:29:27,724 --> 00:29:31,717 All right! That's it! Get out of the car! Come on out here! You're drunk! 547 00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:35,054 -You should be ashamed of yourself! -Officer. 548 00:29:35,190 --> 00:29:36,396 I'm gonna think about this later. 549 00:29:36,525 --> 00:29:39,141 -Officer. Listen, no, no, no! -Sir, please get back in the car! 550 00:29:39,236 --> 00:29:41,693 Listen to what I've got to say. 551 00:29:42,489 --> 00:29:44,025 He's not drunk. 552 00:29:46,827 --> 00:29:48,613 I've made a terrible mistake. 553 00:29:48,704 --> 00:29:51,491 I do this sometimes. I get a little... 554 00:29:51,581 --> 00:29:52,741 It's the adrenaline. 555 00:29:52,874 --> 00:29:55,707 Well, actually, it arouses me. 556 00:29:55,836 --> 00:29:56,916 Sexually? 557 00:29:57,546 --> 00:29:59,036 -Oh, that... -I'm so sorry. 558 00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:01,584 Please. Please let me help you. 559 00:30:01,717 --> 00:30:05,676 Can you forgive me? Did you eat something? Is it food poisoning? 560 00:30:05,762 --> 00:30:08,845 -You'll drive? -MARK: Yeah. Good idea. Thank you. 561 00:30:08,932 --> 00:30:10,138 Sorry. 562 00:30:10,225 --> 00:30:11,556 (LAUGHING) 563 00:30:11,685 --> 00:30:12,925 That was awesome. 564 00:30:13,061 --> 00:30:15,768 -Stop laughing. I'm gonna be sick. -You're gonna be fine. 565 00:30:15,897 --> 00:30:17,262 Oh, good. 566 00:30:17,399 --> 00:30:19,685 -Where are we going? -To get rich. 567 00:30:19,776 --> 00:30:21,232 (VOMITING) 568 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,867 What are we doing here? We don't have any money to throw away. 569 00:30:34,958 --> 00:30:36,823 We're not gonna throw it away. 570 00:30:36,918 --> 00:30:39,079 -Good luck. -MAN: Thank you. 571 00:30:39,212 --> 00:30:40,827 -Hi. -Hi. 572 00:30:40,922 --> 00:30:42,002 Chips, please. 573 00:30:42,090 --> 00:30:44,297 There's a very good chance you'll lose all this money here tonight. 574 00:30:44,426 --> 00:30:46,291 -I know. -And even if you happen to win, 575 00:30:46,428 --> 00:30:48,965 there's an even better chance that, in the long run, we'll win it back. 576 00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:51,088 -I know. -Some of the games are fixed, 577 00:30:51,224 --> 00:30:53,306 -like the ones that use computers. -I know. 578 00:30:53,435 --> 00:30:55,391 -Good luck. -Thank you. 579 00:31:02,069 --> 00:31:03,275 -Hi, guys. -Hi. 580 00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:07,146 If I could be a stripper, I would, but I'm not attractive enough. Drinks? 581 00:31:07,282 --> 00:31:10,945 We'll have 2 beers, and we'll take them over there at the roulette table. 582 00:31:11,078 --> 00:31:12,113 -Cheers. -Come on, 583 00:31:12,204 --> 00:31:15,367 roulette's the stupidest game of all. It's all chance. There's no skill whatsoever. 584 00:31:15,457 --> 00:31:17,118 It's all right, I'm feeling lucky. 585 00:31:17,209 --> 00:31:19,541 -You've never had a lucky day in your life. -Just watch. 586 00:31:19,628 --> 00:31:22,119 CROUPIER: Get your bets in. Get your bets in. 587 00:31:22,214 --> 00:31:25,547 The house always wins in the long run. 588 00:31:25,634 --> 00:31:26,965 Because of the zeroes on the board, 589 00:31:27,052 --> 00:31:30,294 every bet is slightly favoured towards the house. 590 00:31:32,808 --> 00:31:34,469 35 black. No one wins. 591 00:31:34,559 --> 00:31:37,471 Look at that unusual thing, I've never... 592 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:42,143 It's gone now. I'm on 35 black, by the way. 593 00:31:45,612 --> 00:31:47,318 We have a winner. 594 00:31:47,906 --> 00:31:49,237 MAN: Good job! 595 00:31:49,449 --> 00:31:50,655 CROUPIER: Congratulations, sir. 596 00:31:50,742 --> 00:31:54,826 I just won the major jackpot on that machine, but no money came out. 597 00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:56,403 Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir. 598 00:31:56,498 --> 00:32:00,832 Let me get that fixed for you. And can I say congratulations, sir? 599 00:32:00,961 --> 00:32:02,167 Thank you. 600 00:32:02,254 --> 00:32:06,088 We've got a major winner here. Would you open up the vault? 601 00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:11,835 This is the most amazing night of my entire life. 602 00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:13,761 Think how amazing it would be if you didn't smell of vomit. 603 00:32:13,849 --> 00:32:15,180 I know. 604 00:32:22,691 --> 00:32:24,602 (ELEVATOR DINGS) 605 00:32:26,194 --> 00:32:28,105 Mark, how's it going? 606 00:32:29,614 --> 00:32:30,694 Good. 607 00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:33,189 Oh. 608 00:32:33,326 --> 00:32:35,282 How's it going with you? 609 00:32:35,370 --> 00:32:37,031 Pretty awful. 610 00:32:37,122 --> 00:32:40,614 I was up last night researching on the Internet, 611 00:32:40,709 --> 00:32:44,042 like, suffocation suicide. 612 00:32:44,671 --> 00:32:47,879 I think that's what I'm gonna do tonight. 613 00:32:48,717 --> 00:32:49,706 Later. 614 00:32:51,845 --> 00:32:53,051 Frank. 615 00:32:55,223 --> 00:32:56,463 Yeah? 616 00:32:56,975 --> 00:32:58,511 Don't do that. 617 00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:02,223 Why? I mean... 618 00:33:02,355 --> 00:33:05,472 You know, I'm miserable. I don't think anyone would care. 619 00:33:05,567 --> 00:33:07,023 I'll care. 620 00:33:07,402 --> 00:33:09,734 But you're a loser, which doesn't really count. 621 00:33:09,863 --> 00:33:13,230 Things are gonna be okay. 622 00:33:13,325 --> 00:33:14,405 They are? 623 00:33:14,493 --> 00:33:16,825 Yeah. You're gonna meet someone. 624 00:33:16,912 --> 00:33:18,823 You're gonna be happy. 625 00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:24,332 I shouldn't kill myself? 626 00:33:24,419 --> 00:33:26,080 Definitely not. 627 00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:31,832 Okay, so I don't need to kill myself. 628 00:33:33,386 --> 00:33:35,672 Wow! I thought... 629 00:33:35,764 --> 00:33:38,927 I thought that like... That suffocation idea, 630 00:33:39,059 --> 00:33:41,596 I thought that was like a really good idea, you know? 631 00:33:41,686 --> 00:33:42,675 It wasn't. 632 00:33:42,771 --> 00:33:43,851 Wow! 633 00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:48,018 My night's opened up. 634 00:33:49,277 --> 00:33:51,689 Do you wanna hang out or something? 635 00:33:51,780 --> 00:33:53,441 Oh, not really. 636 00:33:53,573 --> 00:33:55,859 It's all right. It's okay. 637 00:33:55,951 --> 00:33:58,533 No! Good idea. 638 00:33:59,412 --> 00:34:02,620 Let's hang out. I'll see you tonight. 639 00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:04,572 I'll see you tonight. 640 00:34:05,794 --> 00:34:07,204 FRANK: Cool, okay. 641 00:34:07,879 --> 00:34:09,460 (SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING) 642 00:34:20,809 --> 00:34:22,640 (INAUDIBLE) 643 00:34:35,407 --> 00:34:38,399 (INAUDIBLE) 644 00:35:00,056 --> 00:35:01,341 (INAUDIBLE) 645 00:35:10,859 --> 00:35:12,474 (INAUDIBLE) 646 00:35:32,839 --> 00:35:34,375 (INAUDIBLE) 647 00:35:48,188 --> 00:35:49,724 (INAUDIBLE) 648 00:36:00,241 --> 00:36:01,856 (PHONE RINGING) 649 00:36:04,037 --> 00:36:05,117 Hello, this is Anna. 650 00:36:05,205 --> 00:36:06,285 Hi, it's Mark. 651 00:36:06,790 --> 00:36:09,202 Oh! Hi, Mark. Didn't you get my e-mail? 652 00:36:09,542 --> 00:36:11,157 The one about not being good enough for you? 653 00:36:11,252 --> 00:36:12,287 That's the one. 654 00:36:12,379 --> 00:36:14,165 Yeah, got that, cheers. 655 00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:18,624 Listen, the reason I'm calling is I want to ask you out on another date. 656 00:36:20,553 --> 00:36:21,588 Why would you do that? 657 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:25,969 Well, I found out I can pretty much have my life the way I want it. 658 00:36:26,351 --> 00:36:28,387 Congratulations! I gotta go. 659 00:36:28,478 --> 00:36:29,513 No, wait. 660 00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:33,813 Listen, I know you said you didn't wanna go on another date with me, ever, 661 00:36:33,900 --> 00:36:38,485 but I'm different now. I think I'm in your league. 662 00:36:38,571 --> 00:36:39,651 Are you better looking? 663 00:36:39,739 --> 00:36:43,402 No. More powerful. I think you have to see it for yourself. 664 00:36:43,493 --> 00:36:44,528 Have you been to the gym? 665 00:36:44,619 --> 00:36:50,285 No. I joined a gym, but just... Things have changed for me. 666 00:36:50,375 --> 00:36:51,615 I think you'll hardly recognise me. 667 00:36:51,710 --> 00:36:52,790 Did you buy new clothes? 668 00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:55,835 No. Sorry, can we just meet up? It'd be best. 669 00:36:55,922 --> 00:36:59,380 You did admit yourself that, you know, we got on. 670 00:36:59,467 --> 00:37:04,257 If you had an okay time, then please say yes. 671 00:37:04,347 --> 00:37:08,010 I'm just asking for one teensy, weensy little date. 672 00:37:10,562 --> 00:37:11,972 Okay, fine. 673 00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:13,428 Fantastic. 674 00:37:15,024 --> 00:37:18,391 I'll pick you up tomorrow, about 8:00? 675 00:37:18,486 --> 00:37:21,978 Most likely, though, this will be our last date, so just know that. 676 00:37:22,073 --> 00:37:23,938 Yeah. Great. 677 00:37:24,033 --> 00:37:25,068 Okay. Bye! 678 00:37:26,578 --> 00:37:27,784 Bye! 679 00:37:27,871 --> 00:37:29,281 Hang up, Mark. 680 00:37:29,372 --> 00:37:30,407 Bye. 681 00:37:35,670 --> 00:37:38,537 MALE NARRATOR:...proudly presents The Industrial Revolution. 682 00:37:38,631 --> 00:37:41,589 Hello, I'm Angelo Badsmith. 683 00:37:41,676 --> 00:37:44,634 Come, watch me read about the exciting events 684 00:37:44,721 --> 00:37:47,428 that took place during the Industrial Revolution, 685 00:37:47,515 --> 00:37:52,305 written by the most beloved and esteemed screenwriter of his generation, 686 00:37:52,395 --> 00:37:54,101 Brad Kessler. 687 00:37:54,189 --> 00:37:58,649 I don't think anyone can write a better screenplay than Brad Kessler. 688 00:38:03,364 --> 00:38:04,399 No? 689 00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:30,672 BRAD: Hey! 690 00:38:30,767 --> 00:38:33,224 Did you come to beg for you r job back? 691 00:38:33,311 --> 00:38:34,517 Everybody! 692 00:38:34,604 --> 00:38:36,310 That's the loser that thought the Black Plague 693 00:38:36,397 --> 00:38:37,682 would make an interesting film. 694 00:38:37,774 --> 00:38:39,981 Hey! Good luck, douche bag. 695 00:38:42,529 --> 00:38:44,861 -You can't go in there. -I've got an appointment. 696 00:38:44,948 --> 00:38:46,813 Oh, then go right in. 697 00:38:47,992 --> 00:38:49,948 Talk to you later. 698 00:38:50,995 --> 00:38:53,611 Hi. That was the head of the studio. 699 00:38:56,292 --> 00:38:58,374 Why are you here? 700 00:38:58,461 --> 00:39:03,376 Well, when you fired me, I was seriously depressed. 701 00:39:04,092 --> 00:39:05,832 -I knew it. -But... 702 00:39:06,386 --> 00:39:09,469 I went for a walk, right out of town. 703 00:39:09,556 --> 00:39:14,266 And I came across a desert, and I fell asleep under a tree, palm tree. 704 00:39:14,352 --> 00:39:17,810 I don't do well with other people's life-changing stories. 705 00:39:17,897 --> 00:39:22,186 And then when I woke up, I saw like a thing sticking out of the sand. 706 00:39:22,277 --> 00:39:26,896 And I unearthed it, and it was an ancient chest. 707 00:39:26,990 --> 00:39:29,356 Really old. 700 years old. 708 00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:33,284 And in that chest was this. 709 00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:34,451 What is it? 710 00:39:34,539 --> 00:39:37,827 It's a never-before-heard event from history. 711 00:39:38,585 --> 00:39:40,291 When does it take place? 712 00:39:40,378 --> 00:39:41,493 1300s. 713 00:39:41,588 --> 00:39:42,998 Oh, come on, no, Mark! 714 00:39:43,089 --> 00:39:46,923 Mark, I've already told you, we don't do Black Plague movies here! 715 00:39:47,010 --> 00:39:51,003 It's not about the Black Plague! It's not just about the Black Plague. 716 00:39:51,097 --> 00:39:54,055 It's about... Can I just read it, please? 717 00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:57,383 Get excited. Don't tap, get excited. 718 00:39:57,478 --> 00:39:58,843 Get very excited, 719 00:39:58,938 --> 00:40:05,434 because this is one of the best discoveries 720 00:40:05,528 --> 00:40:08,691 man has ever discovered. 721 00:40:08,781 --> 00:40:10,021 And you can be part of it. 722 00:40:10,116 --> 00:40:12,732 Yes, but is there a movie there? 723 00:40:12,827 --> 00:40:16,445 The greatest movie Lecture Films has ever made. 724 00:40:18,374 --> 00:40:19,955 Start reading. 725 00:40:22,128 --> 00:40:27,668 "On the very first day of the 14th century, a momentous occasion occurred. 726 00:40:27,759 --> 00:40:33,550 "It began like any other day. The sun rose, babies began to cry. 727 00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:37,053 "But all of that was interrupted when a giant, flying spaceship 728 00:40:37,143 --> 00:40:41,978 "crashed down from the skies and landed in the heart of Babylon." 729 00:40:42,065 --> 00:40:43,100 What? 730 00:40:47,111 --> 00:40:50,820 Uh... Get everyone in here, right now. We got a big one. 731 00:40:50,907 --> 00:40:53,068 Oh, please, Mark, continue. 732 00:40:56,704 --> 00:40:59,821 MARK: "The ninja army unleashed a giant fireball 733 00:40:59,916 --> 00:41:03,909 "and brought the robot dinosaur to its knees, saving Mars, Earth 734 00:41:04,045 --> 00:41:08,505 "and the nude Amazonian alien women, all in one sweeping motion. 735 00:41:08,591 --> 00:41:10,377 "The Earth was saved. 736 00:41:10,468 --> 00:41:14,882 "Jebediah and Aleena were allowed to marry by alien King Wanglor. 737 00:41:14,973 --> 00:41:18,591 "It was to be the first human nude Amazonian alien woman wedding, 738 00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:20,887 "and no expense would be spared. 739 00:41:20,979 --> 00:41:24,346 "All of Babylon and Mars were invited to join the celebrations. 740 00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,147 "The wedding was held on a brisk summer's day on Mars. 741 00:41:27,235 --> 00:41:29,021 "And all of the survivors of the Great Ninja War 742 00:41:29,112 --> 00:41:30,818 "and the Black Plague were present. 743 00:41:30,905 --> 00:41:35,274 "They feasted and danced and laughed, and it was a joyous occasion. 744 00:41:35,410 --> 00:41:37,025 "The moment the bride and groom kissed, 745 00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:40,487 "King Wanglor performed a mind-wipe on all the humans, 746 00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:44,494 "thereby erasing all knowledge of these events for about 700 years, 747 00:41:44,585 --> 00:41:48,123 "until one day, a great writer by the name of Mark Bellison 748 00:41:48,256 --> 00:41:53,592 "would stumble across them in the desert after being fired by his crap boss, Anthony, 749 00:41:55,596 --> 00:42:00,681 "and mocked by Brad and Shelley, 2 huge douche bags. 750 00:42:01,602 --> 00:42:06,096 "Lecture Films would go on to make the picture, and it'd be a huge success. 751 00:42:06,190 --> 00:42:09,853 "And Mark would become very wealthy and famous from it." 752 00:42:22,165 --> 00:42:24,781 What are you gonna call this, Mark? 753 00:42:27,045 --> 00:42:28,160 The Black Plague. 754 00:42:28,296 --> 00:42:29,957 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 755 00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:34,423 I want you to start immediately 'cause I think this could be 756 00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:36,671 the best screenplay ever written. 757 00:42:36,804 --> 00:42:38,465 Oh, it will. 758 00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:42,970 It will be the best screenplay ever written by anyone. 759 00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:53,813 Well... 760 00:42:55,031 --> 00:42:57,522 I guess congratulations on selling your script today. 761 00:42:57,658 --> 00:42:59,740 -Cheers. -Cheers. 762 00:43:01,996 --> 00:43:05,113 Tell me something about your family. I don't know that much about you. 763 00:43:05,208 --> 00:43:06,448 (MARK EXHALES) 764 00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:09,329 We're sort of what you'd call unlucky. 765 00:43:09,420 --> 00:43:10,785 My dad was an alcoholic. 766 00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:12,086 Sad. 767 00:43:12,173 --> 00:43:16,257 Drinking got to a point where he lost his job, and with a family to support, 768 00:43:16,344 --> 00:43:18,380 he had no choice but to turn to a life of crime. 769 00:43:18,513 --> 00:43:20,049 What kind of crime? 770 00:43:20,181 --> 00:43:23,048 Burglary. Houses, mainly. 771 00:43:30,399 --> 00:43:31,479 What are you doing here? 772 00:43:31,567 --> 00:43:33,523 It's Monday at noon. You're not supposed to be at home now. 773 00:43:33,611 --> 00:43:35,602 If you must know, I'm incredibly stressed at work. 774 00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:37,732 I've come home early. I'm having a bit of me time. 775 00:43:37,865 --> 00:43:39,230 More importantly, what are you doing? 776 00:43:39,367 --> 00:43:40,982 Well, I was gonna rob your house. 777 00:43:41,077 --> 00:43:42,408 I don't like that idea. Not a fan of that at all. 778 00:43:42,537 --> 00:43:44,277 Well, I'm not gonna do it now because you're in. 779 00:43:44,372 --> 00:43:45,452 And do you know what's gonna happen? 780 00:43:45,540 --> 00:43:47,030 I'm gonna call the police, you're gonna be arrested. 781 00:43:47,125 --> 00:43:48,786 Well, I'm just gonna leave, and you don't know my name. 782 00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:50,207 -What is your name? -Richard Bellison. 783 00:43:50,294 --> 00:43:51,704 (LAUGHING) Good to meet you. 784 00:43:51,796 --> 00:43:54,833 You've got 2 options. Option 1, I send the police to your house, right? 785 00:43:54,924 --> 00:43:57,256 Arrest you there, embarrass you in front of your neighbours. 786 00:43:57,385 --> 00:43:59,797 Or option 2, you just come in and wait for the police here. 787 00:43:59,887 --> 00:44:02,048 -No, I'll wait. -Yeah? 788 00:44:02,140 --> 00:44:04,597 -Come on in then. Do you want a cup of tea? -Yeah, that'd be great. 789 00:44:04,725 --> 00:44:06,886 MARK: He spent the last years of his life in jail. 790 00:44:07,562 --> 00:44:08,847 I never really knew him. 791 00:44:08,938 --> 00:44:13,102 But I've been blessed with some luck as well in my life. 792 00:44:13,234 --> 00:44:14,974 I had a wonderful mother who raised me. 793 00:44:15,069 --> 00:44:17,776 -Oh, that's sweet. -She's great. 794 00:44:17,905 --> 00:44:18,894 Where is she? 795 00:44:19,031 --> 00:44:21,067 At an old people's home. 796 00:44:21,701 --> 00:44:24,943 But I'm gonna get her out of there tomorrow. 797 00:44:26,038 --> 00:44:27,073 I'm gonna get her a mansion, 798 00:44:27,206 --> 00:44:29,071 so she can spend the rest of her life in luxury. 799 00:44:29,208 --> 00:44:30,698 That's nice. 800 00:44:32,086 --> 00:44:34,202 -Compliments from the chef. -Thank you. 801 00:44:34,297 --> 00:44:36,709 I don't know what's wrong with him today, but these just look awful. 802 00:44:36,799 --> 00:44:37,879 They look fine to me. 803 00:44:37,967 --> 00:44:39,878 Well, you're stupid. 804 00:44:45,933 --> 00:44:47,093 I was thinking. 805 00:44:47,226 --> 00:44:51,310 Now I'm obviously rich and successful and... 806 00:44:51,439 --> 00:44:58,402 Maybe I'm in your league and that we could be together, romantically. 807 00:44:59,572 --> 00:45:01,608 What would be the point? 808 00:45:03,284 --> 00:45:05,070 We might enjoy it. 809 00:45:07,955 --> 00:45:11,789 Well, I do like you and I do enjoy your company. 810 00:45:11,918 --> 00:45:13,749 And if we were to get together and procreate, 811 00:45:13,836 --> 00:45:16,919 I would like the offspring that are carrying half my genetic code 812 00:45:17,006 --> 00:45:20,544 to be well taken care of, financially stable. 813 00:45:20,635 --> 00:45:24,344 I also think you'd make a good father and a good husband, which I like. 814 00:45:24,472 --> 00:45:25,803 Fantastic. 815 00:45:27,016 --> 00:45:29,098 Unfortunately, none of that changes the fact 816 00:45:29,185 --> 00:45:33,770 that you'd still be contributing half the genetic code to our children. 817 00:45:36,275 --> 00:45:39,813 I don't want little fat kids with snub noses. 818 00:45:41,614 --> 00:45:42,820 Sure. 819 00:45:44,867 --> 00:45:46,107 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 820 00:45:46,202 --> 00:45:47,487 Sorry. 821 00:45:48,162 --> 00:45:50,198 Hello? Speaking. 822 00:45:52,667 --> 00:45:53,622 She what? 823 00:45:55,670 --> 00:45:56,955 Mum? 824 00:45:57,046 --> 00:45:59,788 They just called me. What's going on? 825 00:46:00,174 --> 00:46:03,712 They said I'm probably gonna die tonight. 826 00:46:03,844 --> 00:46:05,004 What? 827 00:46:05,137 --> 00:46:07,253 Hello, there. I was just coming in to check on her. 828 00:46:07,348 --> 00:46:08,633 You must be Martha's son. 829 00:46:08,724 --> 00:46:09,930 What do you mean, she's gonna die tonight? 830 00:46:10,017 --> 00:46:12,884 It does not look very good. She suffered a major heart attack. 831 00:46:13,020 --> 00:46:16,763 Her heart is very weak. Her pulse is not very strong. 832 00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:19,724 Her blood pressure is dropping rapidly, 833 00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:24,729 and she will probably suffer a fatal heart attack sometime tonight. 834 00:46:24,865 --> 00:46:27,902 Yes. Still going to die. 835 00:46:30,913 --> 00:46:32,574 Side note, 836 00:46:32,707 --> 00:46:36,120 it's fajita night downstairs in the cafeteria, 837 00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:40,249 so you might wanna grab yourself a little bite down there after Mom dies. 838 00:46:40,381 --> 00:46:41,541 Okay? 839 00:46:47,096 --> 00:46:50,008 I'm so scared, Mark. 840 00:46:50,099 --> 00:46:55,389 People don't talk about it, but death is a horrible thing. 841 00:46:56,230 --> 00:46:58,687 One minute, you're alive, 842 00:47:00,026 --> 00:47:02,768 and then just like that, it's all gone. 843 00:47:05,448 --> 00:47:07,188 This is it, Mark. 844 00:47:08,909 --> 00:47:12,242 Few more hours like this and then 845 00:47:15,374 --> 00:47:18,116 an eternity of nothingness. 846 00:47:21,088 --> 00:47:22,077 (GASPS) 847 00:47:22,423 --> 00:47:23,629 (MONITOR BEEPING) 848 00:47:23,758 --> 00:47:24,964 Nurse! 849 00:47:29,347 --> 00:47:31,383 Her vitals are dropping. 850 00:47:32,016 --> 00:47:35,099 I'm so... I'm so frightened. 851 00:47:37,188 --> 00:47:38,428 Oh, Mum. 852 00:47:46,447 --> 00:47:49,109 Mum, listen to me. 853 00:47:49,784 --> 00:47:51,445 Listen carefully. 854 00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:54,949 You're wrong about what happens after you die. 855 00:47:57,124 --> 00:47:59,035 It's not an eternity of nothingness. 856 00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:00,286 Huh? 857 00:48:01,962 --> 00:48:05,295 You go to your favourite place in the whole world. 858 00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:10,965 Yeah. And everyone you've ever loved and who's ever loved you will be there. 859 00:48:11,097 --> 00:48:12,712 And you'll be young again. 860 00:48:12,807 --> 00:48:16,140 You'll run and jump like you used to and dance. 861 00:48:16,227 --> 00:48:17,967 You used to dance. 862 00:48:21,816 --> 00:48:23,556 There's no pain. 863 00:48:28,322 --> 00:48:29,778 Just love. 864 00:48:33,285 --> 00:48:34,650 Happiness. 865 00:48:35,996 --> 00:48:38,328 And everyone gets a mansion. 866 00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:42,621 And it lasts for an eternity. An eternity, Mum. 867 00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:50,090 Say hello to Dad for me. 868 00:48:51,512 --> 00:48:53,298 Tell him I love him. 869 00:49:00,980 --> 00:49:03,141 -Go on. -What else happens? 870 00:49:03,858 --> 00:49:05,018 Mum. 871 00:49:05,693 --> 00:49:08,355 I'm gonna see my mother again when I die. 872 00:49:08,446 --> 00:49:10,778 Will you tell us more, please? 873 00:49:10,865 --> 00:49:12,275 (MONITOR BEEPING) 874 00:49:12,366 --> 00:49:13,856 (MONITOR FLAT-LINING) 875 00:49:14,869 --> 00:49:16,109 (SOBS) 876 00:50:43,624 --> 00:50:44,739 Hi. 877 00:50:45,376 --> 00:50:46,491 Hi. 878 00:51:30,546 --> 00:51:32,332 (CROWD CHATTERING) 879 00:51:44,768 --> 00:51:48,511 Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. 880 00:51:50,149 --> 00:51:51,434 There he is! That's him! 881 00:51:51,525 --> 00:51:53,311 (CROWD CLAMOURING) 882 00:51:54,486 --> 00:51:56,351 Is there only one place you go when you die? 883 00:51:56,447 --> 00:51:58,312 Will everyone who has ever died be there? 884 00:51:58,407 --> 00:51:59,487 What's this place called? 885 00:51:59,575 --> 00:52:01,156 Will I get to have sex with people there? 886 00:52:01,243 --> 00:52:02,449 Are there shopping malls? 887 00:52:02,536 --> 00:52:04,527 What about smoking? Can we smoke up there? 888 00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:06,237 (PHONE RINGING) 889 00:52:06,832 --> 00:52:07,912 Hi. 890 00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:11,117 They're saying you know something different about what happens after you die. 891 00:52:13,213 --> 00:52:17,547 24hours ago, Mark Bellison was just your typical nobody writer. 892 00:52:17,635 --> 00:52:20,377 Today, people are saying he has new information 893 00:52:20,471 --> 00:52:23,008 about what happens after you die. 894 00:52:23,349 --> 00:52:24,930 Oh, this is bad. 895 00:52:25,017 --> 00:52:28,384 I just need to get... I know, I'm sorry. Pardon me. Pardon me, please. 896 00:52:28,479 --> 00:52:31,312 Oopsie! Excuse me. Um, oh, excuse me. 897 00:52:31,398 --> 00:52:32,433 (CHUCKLES) 898 00:52:32,900 --> 00:52:34,140 Quick. 899 00:52:34,276 --> 00:52:35,561 Come in. 900 00:52:36,236 --> 00:52:37,442 Yeah. 901 00:52:40,949 --> 00:52:42,780 Just tell me what you told your mom. 902 00:52:42,868 --> 00:52:44,733 I don't think I should. Anything can happen. 903 00:52:44,828 --> 00:52:47,786 I've got to keep my mouth shut from now on. Why did I... 904 00:52:47,873 --> 00:52:50,831 Whatever you said obviously affected a lot of people. 905 00:52:50,918 --> 00:52:52,579 I mean, I don't think you have the choice to keep it in. 906 00:52:52,670 --> 00:52:54,331 Yes, I do. I could walk out that door now. 907 00:52:54,463 --> 00:52:57,045 I could get on the first plane to Namibia. No one knows me there. 908 00:52:57,132 --> 00:53:00,750 Just tell me what you said, Mark. Please, just tell me. 909 00:53:00,844 --> 00:53:04,803 My mum was dying, she was scared, she was shaking all over, 910 00:53:04,890 --> 00:53:08,257 and she said she didn't want to just enter a world of nothingness. 911 00:53:08,352 --> 00:53:12,186 So I said, "You're wrong about what happens after you die." 912 00:53:12,690 --> 00:53:14,772 And I told her, I said, 913 00:53:15,776 --> 00:53:17,607 "It's not a world of nothingness. 914 00:53:17,695 --> 00:53:20,732 "You go to the best place ever, where all your friends are 915 00:53:22,825 --> 00:53:24,190 "and you have an eternity of joy." 916 00:53:25,994 --> 00:53:27,734 I made her happy. 917 00:53:32,918 --> 00:53:34,704 How do you know these things? 918 00:53:34,795 --> 00:53:36,205 Well, I... 919 00:53:37,256 --> 00:53:39,292 Oh, that makes me happy. 920 00:53:40,551 --> 00:53:43,714 You have to tell them everything you know. You have to. It's too big. 921 00:53:43,804 --> 00:53:46,136 Listen to me, you don't understand. The things I told my mum... 922 00:53:46,265 --> 00:53:48,677 Didn't you say that it made her happy to hear them? 923 00:53:48,767 --> 00:53:50,598 -Yes. -And how did that make you feel? 924 00:53:50,686 --> 00:53:52,392 -Good. -So imagine how it would feel 925 00:53:52,479 --> 00:53:55,312 to do the same for all of these people. 926 00:54:01,363 --> 00:54:02,728 Uh, okay. 927 00:54:04,783 --> 00:54:06,489 I need some time. 928 00:54:09,079 --> 00:54:11,286 You sure I should do this? 929 00:54:12,124 --> 00:54:13,864 Of course you should. 930 00:54:13,959 --> 00:54:17,793 Mark, what you know is gonna change mankind forever. 931 00:54:19,131 --> 00:54:22,168 It's the most important thing the world has ever heard. 932 00:54:25,596 --> 00:54:27,382 I'll let you work. 933 00:54:39,610 --> 00:54:41,020 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 934 00:54:41,153 --> 00:54:42,689 MARK: Come in. 935 00:54:44,948 --> 00:54:46,609 I brought pizza. 936 00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:49,198 How come you never told me we all get mansions? 937 00:54:49,286 --> 00:54:50,776 -Uh, I didn't... -Just let him keep working. 938 00:54:50,871 --> 00:54:52,611 It's one thing that you invented the bicycle, but... 939 00:54:52,706 --> 00:54:54,947 Just keep working, don't worry about... 940 00:54:55,042 --> 00:54:58,034 I've known him for a long time, and he never told me that. 941 00:54:59,630 --> 00:55:03,043 -I got plain, and I got... -That's good. 942 00:55:03,217 --> 00:55:06,801 I got another plain. 943 00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:11,547 MALE REPORTER: In London, England, they wait. 944 00:55:11,683 --> 00:55:16,552 In Rome, Italy, they wait. In New York City, they wait. 945 00:55:16,688 --> 00:55:18,804 The world has come to a standstill, 946 00:55:18,899 --> 00:55:21,140 with everyone at their televisions and radios, 947 00:55:21,235 --> 00:55:22,896 or here on this lawn, 948 00:55:23,028 --> 00:55:27,067 waiting for Mark Bellison to come forth and tell the people what he knows. 949 00:55:43,757 --> 00:55:44,872 Oh! 950 00:55:46,552 --> 00:55:47,667 Hi. 951 00:55:50,389 --> 00:55:51,925 I've finished. 952 00:55:54,268 --> 00:55:55,678 Are you ready? 953 00:55:56,937 --> 00:55:58,427 -I guess so. -Oh. 954 00:55:58,522 --> 00:56:02,106 I wish I had something better to put these on, though, like tablets. 955 00:56:02,192 --> 00:56:04,353 Or just even better paper. 956 00:56:10,075 --> 00:56:12,157 -That feels better. -Good. 957 00:56:12,911 --> 00:56:13,946 SHELLEY: Just... 958 00:56:14,955 --> 00:56:16,695 Just tell them what you know. 959 00:56:16,790 --> 00:56:19,748 -GREG: Good luck out there, man. -Cheers. 960 00:56:30,804 --> 00:56:31,793 REPORTER: 24 hours ago, 961 00:56:31,930 --> 00:56:34,717 Mark Bellison was just your typical nobody writer. 962 00:56:34,808 --> 00:56:37,720 Today, people are saying he has new information 963 00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:40,473 about what happens after you die. 964 00:56:56,121 --> 00:56:57,611 ANNA: Sorry. 965 00:57:00,959 --> 00:57:02,324 I guess 966 00:57:03,170 --> 00:57:07,664 you heard about the stuff that I told my mum the other night. 967 00:57:07,966 --> 00:57:09,877 That's why you're here. 968 00:57:10,010 --> 00:57:12,171 I know some things, some very important things 969 00:57:12,304 --> 00:57:15,137 about what happens to you after you die. 970 00:57:16,725 --> 00:57:19,011 Everything you need to know 971 00:57:19,144 --> 00:57:21,556 is written on these pizza boxes. 972 00:57:31,114 --> 00:57:32,604 "Number 1, 973 00:57:33,033 --> 00:57:36,696 "there is a man in the sky who controls everything. 974 00:57:38,538 --> 00:57:41,075 -"Number 2..." -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 975 00:57:41,208 --> 00:57:42,744 What does he look like? 976 00:57:42,876 --> 00:57:47,119 Uh, tall, big hands for making stuff. Good head of hair. 977 00:57:47,214 --> 00:57:48,454 What ethnicity is he? 978 00:57:48,548 --> 00:57:52,006 Uh, he's a new type of ethnicity. 979 00:57:52,094 --> 00:57:55,211 He's a mixture of all our ethnicities. 980 00:57:55,305 --> 00:57:56,715 -Does he live in the clouds? -No. 981 00:57:56,807 --> 00:57:58,138 -Can we see him? -MARK: No. 982 00:57:58,225 --> 00:58:00,841 He lives higher than the clouds, too high to see him. 983 00:58:00,936 --> 00:58:03,268 -So he lives in space. -Not that high. 984 00:58:03,397 --> 00:58:04,512 So then the thermosphere? 985 00:58:04,606 --> 00:58:08,394 MARK: Sorry, people. I've got a lot to get through here. Can we just... 986 00:58:08,819 --> 00:58:13,313 Man lives in the sky, you can't see him. He controls everything. Cool? 987 00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:15,572 Good. "Number 2, 988 00:58:15,742 --> 00:58:19,610 "when you die, you don't disappear into an eternity of nothingness. 989 00:58:19,746 --> 00:58:22,579 "Instead, you go to a really great place." 990 00:58:22,666 --> 00:58:23,746 (CROWD EXCLAIMING APPROVINGLY) 991 00:58:23,834 --> 00:58:25,040 MARK: "Number 3, 992 00:58:25,127 --> 00:58:28,585 "in that place, everyone will get a mansion." 993 00:58:28,672 --> 00:58:30,378 (CROWD LAUGHING) 994 00:58:30,465 --> 00:58:32,171 (CROWD APPLAUDING) 995 00:58:34,302 --> 00:58:38,045 -What kind of mansion? -The best mansion you could think of. 996 00:58:38,140 --> 00:58:40,256 Ah, I was thinking of a horrible mansion! 997 00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:41,635 Well, no. 998 00:58:41,768 --> 00:58:44,225 It's the best mansion you could ever think of. 999 00:58:44,312 --> 00:58:47,395 Not the one you're thinking of right now, but ever. 1000 00:58:47,482 --> 00:58:51,896 Whatever the best mansion is you'd like, that's the one you're gonna get. 1001 00:58:51,987 --> 00:58:53,693 (CLEARING THROAT) "Number 4, 1002 00:58:53,780 --> 00:58:56,692 "when you die, all the people you love will be there." 1003 00:58:56,783 --> 00:58:57,943 Will they have their own mansions? 1004 00:58:58,035 --> 00:59:00,401 Yeah. Of course. Everyone gets a mansion. 1005 00:59:00,495 --> 00:59:01,655 What if I want them to live in my mansion? 1006 00:59:01,747 --> 00:59:05,365 Well, that's fine. They'll leave their mansion. They'll come and live with you, won't they? 1007 00:59:05,459 --> 00:59:08,622 -What happens to their mansion? -I don't know. It goes back on the market. 1008 00:59:08,712 --> 00:59:10,794 Can we... "Number 5, 1009 00:59:10,881 --> 00:59:12,166 (SIGHS) 1010 00:59:12,257 --> 00:59:16,170 "when you die, there will be free ice cream for everyone. 1011 00:59:16,428 --> 00:59:20,797 "All day and all night, whatever flavours you can think of." 1012 00:59:21,183 --> 00:59:23,720 -Even bad flavours? -Why would you think of bad flavours? 1013 00:59:23,810 --> 00:59:25,801 You just said every flavour I could think of. 1014 00:59:25,896 --> 00:59:28,683 Oh, no. I just thought of vanilla and skunks. 1015 00:59:28,774 --> 00:59:29,980 Well, don't eat that, then. 1016 00:59:30,067 --> 00:59:32,183 I just thought that chocolate sauce was diarrhoea. 1017 00:59:32,277 --> 00:59:35,861 Don't put that on the ice cream, then! What is the matter with you people? 1018 00:59:35,947 --> 00:59:38,654 Can we... Please. "Number 6, 1019 00:59:38,742 --> 00:59:42,200 "if you do bad things, you won't get to go to this great place when you die." 1020 00:59:42,287 --> 00:59:44,073 Where will you go? 1021 00:59:44,623 --> 00:59:47,160 A terrible place, the worst place imaginable. 1022 00:59:47,250 --> 00:59:49,081 What constitutes a bad thing? 1023 00:59:49,169 --> 00:59:52,127 Awful crimes, rape, murder, things like that. 1024 00:59:52,214 --> 00:59:54,045 -Is punching someone bad? -Yes. 1025 00:59:54,132 --> 00:59:56,839 -What if they're trying to hurt you? -Well, then it's fine. 1026 00:59:56,927 --> 00:59:58,383 -Is cursing bad? -No. 1027 00:59:58,470 --> 01:00:00,802 -What about being late for work? -MARK: No, that's... 1028 01:00:00,889 --> 01:00:04,552 I mean, you might lose your job if the boss doesn't like it, 1029 01:00:04,643 --> 01:00:06,679 but it won't affect what happens to you after you die. 1030 01:00:06,770 --> 01:00:09,762 What about if you forget to feed your dog? 1031 01:00:10,023 --> 01:00:12,184 MARK: Well, then, if you forget, I mean, it's bad for the dog. 1032 01:00:12,275 --> 01:00:16,359 If the dog dies, it's bad, but it's not... I mean, don't do it on purpose. 1033 01:00:16,446 --> 01:00:20,564 Don't buy a dog just to starve it for a laugh, but... Can we... 1034 01:00:20,659 --> 01:00:23,867 If I do just one bad thing, do I go to the bad place? 1035 01:00:23,954 --> 01:00:25,069 No! 1036 01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:28,867 You get 3 chances. 1037 01:00:29,417 --> 01:00:31,533 3 bad things and you're out. 1038 01:00:31,628 --> 01:00:32,708 Like baseball! 1039 01:00:32,796 --> 01:00:34,036 (CROWD EXCLAIMS) 1040 01:00:34,131 --> 01:00:36,873 Sort of. So, anything else? 1041 01:00:37,050 --> 01:00:38,085 ALL: Yeah! 1042 01:00:38,176 --> 01:00:41,168 -Oh, please, can we just move on? -MAN: No! 1043 01:00:41,513 --> 01:00:43,094 We have to know everything that's bad. 1044 01:00:43,181 --> 01:00:44,671 CROWD: Yeah. 1045 01:00:44,766 --> 01:00:46,131 (ALL CLAMOURING) 1046 01:00:47,144 --> 01:00:48,224 Fine. 1047 01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:49,642 Is it bad to wear pants? 1048 01:00:49,813 --> 01:00:51,428 Oh. What the... 1049 01:00:53,608 --> 01:00:58,944 No. There is no hairstyle that can put you in the bad place. 1050 01:00:59,030 --> 01:01:00,395 We've been through this. 1051 01:01:00,490 --> 01:01:05,655 The main ones are things like hurting people physically, on purpose, okay? 1052 01:01:05,745 --> 01:01:09,988 Taking their stuff, doing things to people they don't want done, 1053 01:01:10,083 --> 01:01:12,620 murdering people on purpose. 1054 01:01:13,170 --> 01:01:15,001 Okay. "Number 9, 1055 01:01:15,589 --> 01:01:17,921 "the man in the sky who controls everything 1056 01:01:18,008 --> 01:01:21,045 "decides if you go to the good place or the bad place. 1057 01:01:21,136 --> 01:01:23,627 "He also decides who lives and who dies." 1058 01:01:23,722 --> 01:01:25,929 -Does he cause natural disasters? -Yes. 1059 01:01:26,474 --> 01:01:29,341 -Did he cause my mom to get cancer? -Yes. 1060 01:01:29,436 --> 01:01:31,927 Did he cause that tree to land on my car last week? 1061 01:01:32,022 --> 01:01:35,389 -Yeah. -Did he kill my dad with that heart attack? 1062 01:01:38,153 --> 01:01:39,233 Yeah. 1063 01:01:39,321 --> 01:01:41,937 (CROWD EXCLAIMING IN DISAPPOINTMENT) 1064 01:01:44,618 --> 01:01:46,279 I say fuck the man that lives in the sky! 1065 01:01:46,411 --> 01:01:48,117 (CROWD CHEERING) 1066 01:01:50,040 --> 01:01:51,200 Yeah, that guy's evil! 1067 01:01:51,291 --> 01:01:54,533 That guy's a coward, hiding up there doing bad things to us. 1068 01:01:54,628 --> 01:01:55,788 Why doesn't he do it to our faces? 1069 01:01:55,879 --> 01:01:58,461 We have to stop that evil bastard before he kills us all! 1070 01:01:58,590 --> 01:02:00,251 (CROWD CHEERING) 1071 01:02:02,802 --> 01:02:04,918 MARK: Wait, wait, listen. 1072 01:02:05,972 --> 01:02:10,215 The man who lives in the sky and controls everything 1073 01:02:10,310 --> 01:02:13,222 is also responsible for all the good stuff that happens. 1074 01:02:13,313 --> 01:02:14,553 (CROWD EXCLAIMING APPROVINGLY) 1075 01:02:14,648 --> 01:02:18,232 He's the guy that saved my life on that fishing trip when the boat capsized? 1076 01:02:18,318 --> 01:02:20,650 -Yes. -Did he capsize the boat? 1077 01:02:20,987 --> 01:02:22,067 Yeah. 1078 01:02:22,155 --> 01:02:24,897 He killed my grandmother and left me those millions of dollars? 1079 01:02:24,991 --> 01:02:26,447 You bet yeah. 1080 01:02:26,576 --> 01:02:29,784 So, he's the one who cured my mom's cancer? 1081 01:02:30,121 --> 01:02:31,327 Yeah. 1082 01:02:31,498 --> 01:02:35,662 So, he's kind of a good guy, but he's also kind of a prick, too. 1083 01:02:35,752 --> 01:02:38,744 Yeah. Right, but check this out, okay? 1084 01:02:38,838 --> 01:02:42,831 "Number 10, even if the man in the sky does bad stuff to you, 1085 01:02:42,968 --> 01:02:47,177 "he makes up for it by giving you an eternity of good stuff after you die." 1086 01:02:47,305 --> 01:02:49,341 (CROWD EXCLAIMING IN SATISFACTION) 1087 01:02:49,474 --> 01:02:52,841 As long as you don't do any of that bad stuff that you mentioned, right? 1088 01:02:52,978 --> 01:02:55,765 -Yeah, of course. -So it's kind of a test. 1089 01:02:56,022 --> 01:02:57,102 Yeah. 1090 01:02:57,190 --> 01:02:59,522 Well, that's everything I know. 1091 01:02:59,609 --> 01:03:01,349 (CROWD APPLAUDING) 1092 01:03:07,534 --> 01:03:10,025 How do you know all these things? 1093 01:03:10,161 --> 01:03:12,322 Because the man in the sky told me. 1094 01:03:12,414 --> 01:03:14,826 Yeah, well, how come we're just finding out about these things now, 1095 01:03:14,916 --> 01:03:17,328 millions of years into our existence? 1096 01:03:17,419 --> 01:03:20,832 (SOFTLY) I don't know. He forgot. Got... Seen all the stuff he does? 1097 01:03:21,047 --> 01:03:22,412 Thank you. 1098 01:03:22,549 --> 01:03:23,538 (CROWD CLAMOURING) 1099 01:03:29,472 --> 01:03:31,383 Think that went well. 1100 01:03:33,560 --> 01:03:35,892 (CHEERFUL POP MUSIC PLAYING) 1101 01:03:59,753 --> 01:04:00,788 (INAUDIBLE) 1102 01:04:23,276 --> 01:04:25,392 (INAUDIBLE) 1103 01:04:53,723 --> 01:04:55,088 (INAUDIBLE) 1104 01:05:00,814 --> 01:05:03,851 Cheers, cheers. 1105 01:05:03,942 --> 01:05:05,898 (CROWD CLAMOURING) 1106 01:05:11,116 --> 01:05:12,731 (FANS CHEERING) 1107 01:05:33,346 --> 01:05:35,007 -Cheers. -Cheers. 1108 01:05:46,526 --> 01:05:51,771 Did I ever tell you about the time I saved a baby from a burning building 1109 01:05:51,865 --> 01:05:54,527 and there was a bear, and... 1110 01:05:54,617 --> 01:05:56,027 Wait, there was a burning building and a bear? 1111 01:05:56,119 --> 01:06:02,206 Yeah, well, I heard a baby crying and so I ran in there through the flames, 1112 01:06:02,292 --> 01:06:06,035 not caring about my own safety, got the baby, jumped out. 1113 01:06:06,129 --> 01:06:07,869 It was the second storey, jumped out. 1114 01:06:07,964 --> 01:06:08,999 (MIMICS THUD) 1115 01:06:09,090 --> 01:06:11,297 I landed, baby safe. But then this bear... 1116 01:06:11,384 --> 01:06:13,090 -Wait, how did you survive? -Well, let me tell you. 1117 01:06:13,178 --> 01:06:14,918 No, how did you survive the jump? 1118 01:06:15,013 --> 01:06:16,844 I've seen you twist your ankle crossing the street. 1119 01:06:16,931 --> 01:06:21,265 Because on this occasion I landed in something soft. 1120 01:06:21,352 --> 01:06:22,387 -Oh. -So... 1121 01:06:22,479 --> 01:06:23,810 What did you land in? 1122 01:06:23,897 --> 01:06:25,228 -Jam. -Jam. 1123 01:06:25,315 --> 01:06:29,308 It was a barrel of jam. It was a jam factory on fire. 1124 01:06:29,402 --> 01:06:30,892 Probably what attracted the bear in the first place. 1125 01:06:30,987 --> 01:06:33,228 -Right. -You haven't heard of that? 1126 01:06:33,656 --> 01:06:37,274 The burning building, baby, bear, factory, jam incident? 1127 01:06:37,368 --> 01:06:38,483 Shoot, no. 1128 01:06:38,578 --> 01:06:41,365 Yeah, classic. So, I land. 1129 01:06:41,581 --> 01:06:45,324 This bear is coming toward, big, lumbering, eating machine 1130 01:06:45,418 --> 01:06:47,830 like that happy chap over there. 1131 01:06:47,921 --> 01:06:49,912 -What, sleeping, ugly fatty? -Well... 1132 01:06:50,006 --> 01:06:52,088 -He's not happy. -Well, how do you know? 1133 01:06:52,675 --> 01:06:55,667 What do you mean? Look at him. He's a loser. 1134 01:06:56,763 --> 01:06:59,254 MARK: You can't tell that from just looking at the guy. 1135 01:06:59,349 --> 01:07:02,091 He could be the world's greatest poet. 1136 01:07:02,685 --> 01:07:04,596 Well, he probably is a loser. Bad example. 1137 01:07:04,729 --> 01:07:08,096 But I'm saying, it doesn't have to be, just by... 1138 01:07:09,025 --> 01:07:11,687 Okay. What do you see when you see this fellow here? 1139 01:07:11,778 --> 01:07:13,109 ANNA: Short, sweaty, bald guy. 1140 01:07:13,196 --> 01:07:14,606 -Right. -Hi! 1141 01:07:15,406 --> 01:07:17,112 MARK: He's carrying a briefcase. He's in a hurry. 1142 01:07:17,242 --> 01:07:19,858 He's probably off to a really important meeting. 1143 01:07:19,953 --> 01:07:22,114 He's probably a high-powered businessman. 1144 01:07:22,247 --> 01:07:24,033 You see more than I do. 1145 01:07:24,123 --> 01:07:26,705 Well, because, if you look... 1146 01:07:27,794 --> 01:07:29,785 What do you see when you see those guys? 1147 01:07:29,921 --> 01:07:31,286 ANNA: Mmm... 1148 01:07:31,631 --> 01:07:35,123 2 nerdy losers in hats? 1149 01:07:35,301 --> 01:07:38,919 Yeah. Good. Good observational skills. 1150 01:07:39,097 --> 01:07:45,093 But what I mean is, look beyond just their appearance and look at them. 1151 01:07:45,562 --> 01:07:48,304 They're holding hands. They're in love. 1152 01:07:52,485 --> 01:07:54,646 Hey, do me. 1153 01:07:54,988 --> 01:07:58,230 I mean, just what do you see? What do you see in me? 1154 01:07:58,324 --> 01:08:00,610 You're pretty. 1155 01:08:01,077 --> 01:08:02,237 You've got a wonderful smile. 1156 01:08:02,328 --> 01:08:05,820 -Well, that's what everyone sees. -I wasn't finished. 1157 01:08:06,749 --> 01:08:09,912 You're the sweetest, most caring person I know. 1158 01:08:10,003 --> 01:08:13,166 And you've got a freckle there I've never told you about how much I love. 1159 01:08:13,298 --> 01:08:15,084 You usually smile, 1160 01:08:15,174 --> 01:08:18,837 but sometimes you spend your day in bed, eating and crying. 1161 01:08:18,970 --> 01:08:22,133 You'll hold someone's hand after their mum... 1162 01:08:25,143 --> 01:08:28,306 You're the most wonderful person I've ever met. 1163 01:08:32,984 --> 01:08:35,566 What do you see when you look at me? 1164 01:08:40,867 --> 01:08:43,700 You're chubby and you have a snub nose. 1165 01:08:45,496 --> 01:08:47,157 Yeah. That's about it. 1166 01:08:47,373 --> 01:08:49,034 (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 1167 01:08:52,920 --> 01:08:54,410 You're smart. 1168 01:08:56,507 --> 01:08:57,917 You're kind. 1169 01:08:58,843 --> 01:09:01,550 You're the sweetest man I've ever met. 1170 01:09:02,388 --> 01:09:06,222 You are definitely the most interesting person I know. 1171 01:09:06,392 --> 01:09:08,553 And you are fun to be with. 1172 01:09:09,228 --> 01:09:11,560 And you see the world in a way that nobody else sees the world, 1173 01:09:11,689 --> 01:09:14,396 and I like the way you see the world. 1174 01:09:15,234 --> 01:09:17,395 And you're my best friend. 1175 01:09:17,904 --> 01:09:21,192 You make me happier than anyone I've ever known. 1176 01:09:29,791 --> 01:09:32,624 -Why can't we be together, then? -Because of the whole genetics thing. 1177 01:09:32,752 --> 01:09:35,209 Little fat kids with snub noses. 1178 01:09:38,591 --> 01:09:43,051 It's a shame that being rich and famous doesn't change your genetics. 1179 01:09:44,597 --> 01:09:46,428 Because I love you. 1180 01:09:49,811 --> 01:09:53,520 Does being rich and famous change your genetic material? 1181 01:10:01,280 --> 01:10:02,315 No. 1182 01:10:02,865 --> 01:10:07,655 It doesn't. Our kids would be little fat things with snub noses. 1183 01:10:13,876 --> 01:10:16,538 BOB: (ON RADIO) Thanks for that, Jim. Next up, Mark Bellison. 1184 01:10:16,629 --> 01:10:17,664 Does he deserve all the money and fame 1185 01:10:17,797 --> 01:10:20,834 or is he just some fat loser who hears things from the man in the sky? 1186 01:10:20,967 --> 01:10:22,082 JIM: I say fat loser, Bob. 1187 01:10:22,176 --> 01:10:24,838 BOB: It's as simple as this, Jim. Just look at the guy. 1188 01:10:24,971 --> 01:10:27,713 He's fat, he's stupid-looking. What else do you need to know? 1189 01:10:28,182 --> 01:10:30,093 JIM: And what about the hundreds of people camping out on his lawn? 1190 01:10:30,184 --> 01:10:32,140 I mean, don't those people have jobs? 1191 01:10:32,228 --> 01:10:34,014 BOB: Maybe they're all fat losers like him. 1192 01:10:34,147 --> 01:10:35,728 (BOTH LA UGHING) 1193 01:10:36,315 --> 01:10:37,725 JIM: Stay tuned, we got weather in 5. 1194 01:10:38,985 --> 01:10:40,020 (DOOR OPENS) 1195 01:10:40,153 --> 01:10:42,815 And then write, "The duck flew all the way to Alaska to meet up 1196 01:10:42,905 --> 01:10:43,985 (DOOR CLOSES) 1197 01:10:44,073 --> 01:10:47,065 "with his friend who was a polar bear who lived there." 1198 01:10:47,160 --> 01:10:49,401 -"And the polar bear..." -ANNA: How many of these have you had? 1199 01:10:49,495 --> 01:10:51,986 Doesn't matter. Uh... "The end." 1200 01:10:52,832 --> 01:10:55,414 -That's a strange ending. -It is, isn't it? 1201 01:10:55,501 --> 01:10:57,412 And you want me to take this over to Lecture Films? 1202 01:10:57,503 --> 01:10:58,788 -Yeah. -ASSISTANT: Okay. 1203 01:10:58,880 --> 01:11:01,087 Tell them to film that one this week. 1204 01:11:01,174 --> 01:11:02,380 Okay. 1205 01:11:03,384 --> 01:11:05,045 Tell them it's for kids. 1206 01:11:05,178 --> 01:11:07,134 Kids will love that, won't they? 1207 01:11:07,221 --> 01:11:10,008 Bears and ducks in cars. 1208 01:11:11,100 --> 01:11:13,807 -What's that? -It's a birthday card for you. 1209 01:11:13,895 --> 01:11:16,011 -You want it? -Thank you. 1210 01:11:16,397 --> 01:11:19,184 Oh, I came to tell you that I can't watch a movie with you tonight. 1211 01:11:19,275 --> 01:11:21,391 -Why not? -'Cause I have a date. 1212 01:11:21,486 --> 01:11:23,067 Who with? 1213 01:11:23,946 --> 01:11:26,562 -Brad Kessler. -Brad Kessler? 1214 01:11:27,200 --> 01:11:31,034 You know what I think of him. I think he is the world's biggest douche bag. 1215 01:11:31,120 --> 01:11:32,735 -To you. Not to me. -Yes. 1216 01:11:32,830 --> 01:11:34,115 He's very sweet and kind to me. 1217 01:11:34,207 --> 01:11:37,574 Well, of course he is. Look at you! A shark would be sweet and kind to you. 1218 01:11:37,668 --> 01:11:39,329 -It would? -No, it wouldn't. 1219 01:11:39,796 --> 01:11:42,458 Do not get in with a shark. It will just... I was just... 1220 01:11:42,548 --> 01:11:45,210 -But don't go out with him. -Why not? 1221 01:11:45,551 --> 01:11:48,588 -Well, he's an excellent match for me. -Well, don't sleep with him. 1222 01:11:48,679 --> 01:11:50,886 -Why not? -What? You were going to? 1223 01:11:50,973 --> 01:11:52,258 If I don't sleep with him, 1224 01:11:52,350 --> 01:11:54,887 then he'll find another acceptable mate who would sleep with him. 1225 01:11:54,977 --> 01:11:56,342 -Then I'll miss out. -No, he won't. 1226 01:11:56,437 --> 01:11:58,598 -Yes. -No, no, no, no, no, no. 1227 01:11:58,689 --> 01:11:59,769 You haven't thought this through. 1228 01:11:59,857 --> 01:12:01,643 Because if I was going out on a date with you... 1229 01:12:01,734 --> 01:12:03,270 And if you were attractive, like Brad. 1230 01:12:03,361 --> 01:12:05,693 Yes. Well, why... 1231 01:12:06,113 --> 01:12:09,731 But I would... I would lose respect for you... 1232 01:12:09,826 --> 01:12:11,987 -Huh? -...if you slept with me on the first date. 1233 01:12:12,078 --> 01:12:14,114 I would because I... 1234 01:12:14,205 --> 01:12:16,412 Just chat, just talk to him, sure. 1235 01:12:16,499 --> 01:12:18,364 But, listen, do not, whatever... 1236 01:12:18,459 --> 01:12:21,826 Let him know what a wonderful person you are just by... 1237 01:12:21,921 --> 01:12:25,459 Verbally, not with... Because he will then go, 1238 01:12:25,591 --> 01:12:28,833 "Oh, I... I want to date her... I want a second date." 1239 01:12:28,928 --> 01:12:30,259 Do not... 1240 01:12:30,596 --> 01:12:35,511 Do not have sex with anyone unless you are married to them 1241 01:12:35,852 --> 01:12:37,308 is the rule. 1242 01:12:38,688 --> 01:12:39,973 Settled. 1243 01:12:41,440 --> 01:12:43,305 -Okay. -Good. 1244 01:12:49,365 --> 01:12:50,525 What's this? 1245 01:12:50,616 --> 01:12:52,652 Birthday coupon for sex. 1246 01:12:54,203 --> 01:12:55,613 (STAMMERING) 1247 01:12:55,705 --> 01:13:00,790 It's a coupon for birthday sex. So it's sex with you 'cause it's my birthday? 1248 01:13:00,877 --> 01:13:02,617 What do you get the man who has everything? 1249 01:13:02,712 --> 01:13:04,122 (CHUCKLES) 1250 01:13:04,714 --> 01:13:06,545 -Sorry. -Forget about it now. Sorry, I didn't know. 1251 01:13:06,632 --> 01:13:09,374 -No, no, no, stop. -We're not married. 1252 01:13:11,971 --> 01:13:14,007 Which is what you just said. 1253 01:13:14,098 --> 01:13:17,090 (IMITATING MARK) Do not sleep with anyone unless you're married to them. 1254 01:13:17,935 --> 01:13:21,644 That's what I said. But hold on, though. What about the coupon? 1255 01:13:21,731 --> 01:13:24,518 -The rule is... -Yes, I know what the rule is. 1256 01:13:24,609 --> 01:13:26,224 So we can't... 1257 01:13:26,319 --> 01:13:28,731 The coupon, it's just such a... 1258 01:13:28,821 --> 01:13:30,277 -Rule. -Such a shame to waste it. 1259 01:13:30,364 --> 01:13:31,649 -But, I mean, you know... -It's too bad. 1260 01:13:31,741 --> 01:13:34,198 (STUTTERING) It is, it is. 1261 01:13:34,285 --> 01:13:36,776 Now I can't redeem sex with this. 1262 01:13:37,121 --> 01:13:40,204 So you'd like what? What am I gonna get you now? 1263 01:13:40,291 --> 01:13:42,657 (CHUCKLES) Can't have sex with you. 1264 01:13:43,294 --> 01:13:45,785 You probably just prefer socks, right? 1265 01:13:45,880 --> 01:13:48,667 Yeah. Shitty little woollen ones, instead of sex. 1266 01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:49,793 BRAD: Hello? 1267 01:13:49,884 --> 01:13:51,590 Oh, he's coming. 1268 01:13:52,595 --> 01:13:54,426 Well, why have you invited him here? 1269 01:13:54,513 --> 01:13:56,378 I didn't. It was his idea. 1270 01:13:56,474 --> 01:13:58,305 I bet it was. It's my house. 1271 01:13:58,643 --> 01:14:00,554 -Anna. -You are so handsome. 1272 01:14:00,645 --> 01:14:02,181 BRAD: I know. 1273 01:14:02,772 --> 01:14:05,889 -Mark. You look like trash. -Oh, your opinion. 1274 01:14:05,983 --> 01:14:07,268 Let's go have some fun. 1275 01:14:07,360 --> 01:14:09,772 -Not too much. -Hey! What are you doing with that? 1276 01:14:09,862 --> 01:14:11,648 That is a coupon for birthday sex. 1277 01:14:11,739 --> 01:14:13,320 -With you? -Yes. 1278 01:14:13,407 --> 01:14:15,523 But he doesn't want it because we're not married. 1279 01:14:15,618 --> 01:14:17,825 -He'd rather have a pair of socks, right? -BRAD: Can I have it? 1280 01:14:17,912 --> 01:14:21,496 Oh, sure. Of course, we'll have to get married to use it. 1281 01:14:21,582 --> 01:14:23,664 Well, maybe we just will. 1282 01:14:24,502 --> 01:14:27,665 Well, don't... I'm not happy for that. What... 1283 01:14:29,882 --> 01:14:31,793 I'll call you later. 1284 01:14:37,515 --> 01:14:38,800 (SIGHS) 1285 01:14:39,016 --> 01:14:39,755 (DOOR CLOSES) 1286 01:14:40,726 --> 01:14:42,466 -I thought we'd celebrate tonight. -Hmm. 1287 01:14:42,561 --> 01:14:44,973 Today I was handed a very impressive promotion. 1288 01:14:45,064 --> 01:14:48,556 Not only am I the head writer of the coveted first century, 1289 01:14:48,651 --> 01:14:51,393 but today I was handed the reins to the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries. 1290 01:14:51,487 --> 01:14:53,899 -Oh, that is exciting. -It's very, very exciting. 1291 01:14:53,990 --> 01:14:55,480 No other writer's ever had that many centuries, 1292 01:14:55,574 --> 01:14:58,236 let alone 4 of the most popular ones. 1293 01:14:58,369 --> 01:15:01,202 Mark's never had more than one century. 1294 01:15:01,414 --> 01:15:02,824 Mark also has the man in the sky 1295 01:15:02,915 --> 01:15:04,325 telling him stories no one's ever heard before. 1296 01:15:04,417 --> 01:15:06,749 Yes, but does he look like this? 1297 01:15:06,877 --> 01:15:12,213 Does he have my genetics? My confidence? My charisma? 1298 01:15:13,342 --> 01:15:14,582 -No. -BRAD: No. 1299 01:15:16,178 --> 01:15:17,588 I'm gonna send that bottle back. 1300 01:15:17,722 --> 01:15:21,840 Not because it's turned, but because I want to appear discerning and powerful. 1301 01:15:21,934 --> 01:15:23,014 Yes, sir. 1302 01:15:23,102 --> 01:15:24,592 Also, I think we're ready to order. 1303 01:15:24,729 --> 01:15:27,596 She will have the small Caesar salad because I don't want her to get fat. 1304 01:15:27,690 --> 01:15:30,932 And I will have the filet, rare, because it's expensive, 1305 01:15:31,068 --> 01:15:33,605 it tastes good, and I'm important. 1306 01:15:33,946 --> 01:15:35,026 Excellent. 1307 01:15:35,114 --> 01:15:38,777 I understand why you want me to have the small Caesar salad, but I am very hungry. 1308 01:15:38,868 --> 01:15:41,951 -Maybe we could add some chicken. -BRAD: No, no, no, no, no. 1309 01:15:42,038 --> 01:15:44,871 We both know that one day you're going to lose your looks. 1310 01:15:44,957 --> 01:15:47,869 You know, get old, wrinkly, ugly. 1311 01:15:48,627 --> 01:15:52,540 Why throw a weight problem on top of it with delicious, fatty chicken? 1312 01:15:52,631 --> 01:15:54,246 Of course not. 1313 01:15:56,135 --> 01:15:57,671 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 1314 01:15:57,803 --> 01:16:00,795 Oh, I'm sorry. That must be my mom calling to check on our date. 1315 01:16:00,931 --> 01:16:03,263 She's very controlling and impatient. 1316 01:16:03,350 --> 01:16:04,635 Let me talk to her. 1317 01:16:04,810 --> 01:16:06,641 (STUTTERING) Okay. 1318 01:16:07,772 --> 01:16:09,353 (CLEARS THROAT) 1319 01:16:09,523 --> 01:16:12,310 Anna's mom, you're on with Brad Kessler. 1320 01:16:12,443 --> 01:16:15,310 -Yes, your daughter looks beautiful. -Ah! 1321 01:16:15,488 --> 01:16:18,195 No, she hasn't blown it by boring me. 1322 01:16:22,620 --> 01:16:24,861 Okay, you're annoying me now. 1323 01:16:25,164 --> 01:16:27,246 Your voice is shrill. Goodbye. 1324 01:16:27,333 --> 01:16:28,539 Sorry. 1325 01:16:32,463 --> 01:16:33,828 Thank you. 1326 01:16:43,724 --> 01:16:44,839 Mmm! 1327 01:16:45,309 --> 01:16:48,016 You know, you are a near perfect match for me, 1328 01:16:48,145 --> 01:16:51,353 physically, genetically, socially, economically. 1329 01:16:52,316 --> 01:16:53,305 I agree. 1330 01:16:53,400 --> 01:16:54,936 And a large part of me just wants to bag you 1331 01:16:55,027 --> 01:16:56,983 because Mark's in love with you and I enjoy watching him fail. 1332 01:16:57,071 --> 01:16:59,562 Why do you hate Mark so much? He's a really good friend of mine. 1333 01:16:59,698 --> 01:17:00,904 Because he's a loser. 1334 01:17:01,033 --> 01:17:04,696 I'm the one who should be living in a mansion and talking to the man in the sky. 1335 01:17:06,539 --> 01:17:09,531 But I can have the one thing that he can't. 1336 01:17:09,708 --> 01:17:10,993 -You. -Ah! 1337 01:17:11,335 --> 01:17:13,041 Because you are sensible. 1338 01:17:13,212 --> 01:17:15,294 You want to marry a strong genetic match 1339 01:17:15,381 --> 01:17:18,589 and maybe one day have children that aren't... 1340 01:17:19,051 --> 01:17:21,417 Little fat kids with snub noses. 1341 01:17:22,513 --> 01:17:23,753 Exactly. 1342 01:17:24,348 --> 01:17:25,884 Exactly. Yeah. 1343 01:17:30,896 --> 01:17:32,727 (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) 1344 01:17:41,907 --> 01:17:44,899 MAN: The man in the sky, in his infinite wisdom, 1345 01:17:45,035 --> 01:17:49,654 has told us that we can do 2 bad things and still get into our mansion. 1346 01:17:49,748 --> 01:17:50,783 So I say to you... 1347 01:17:50,916 --> 01:17:54,500 No. I won't move into your mansion with you when we die. You're really smothering me. 1348 01:17:54,587 --> 01:17:58,171 The more you push me away, the more attracted I am to you. 1349 01:17:58,257 --> 01:18:00,213 Out of the way, fatty! 1350 01:18:00,593 --> 01:18:02,083 Hey, you're Mark Bellison. 1351 01:18:02,219 --> 01:18:04,084 Yeah. You gonna apologise? 1352 01:18:04,221 --> 01:18:05,552 For what? 1353 01:18:23,115 --> 01:18:25,231 -Who wants another drink? -Yeah, please. 1354 01:18:25,326 --> 01:18:26,941 I'll take one. 1355 01:18:28,621 --> 01:18:29,952 Thanks. 1356 01:18:31,248 --> 01:18:32,613 What's going on? 1357 01:18:32,750 --> 01:18:34,615 What, I can't be depressed 1358 01:18:34,752 --> 01:18:37,789 'cause I've got a big house and loads of money? 1359 01:18:37,922 --> 01:18:39,913 What about you guys? Are you happier, at least? 1360 01:18:40,007 --> 01:18:41,747 Since the man in the sky? 1361 01:18:41,842 --> 01:18:44,208 -Yeah, definitely. -Very happy. 1362 01:18:44,303 --> 01:18:46,760 Are you still lonely? Have you found someone yet? 1363 01:18:46,847 --> 01:18:49,463 -Uh, no, I kind of gave up on that. -Why? 1364 01:18:49,600 --> 01:18:54,594 Well, because I was thinking that if I get eternal happiness when I die, 1365 01:18:55,022 --> 01:18:58,514 that'll be really great because it's eternal, 1366 01:18:58,651 --> 01:19:00,607 you know, so you can't really beat that. 1367 01:19:00,694 --> 01:19:02,980 So I'm just really happy that that's gonna happen. 1368 01:19:03,113 --> 01:19:06,025 So until then I think I'm just gonna stick with the alcohol 1369 01:19:06,158 --> 01:19:10,993 and my little apartment and just kind of hang out by myself and drink and watch TV. 1370 01:19:11,330 --> 01:19:16,120 That doesn't sound like a happy life. That sounds like a long, miserable one. 1371 01:19:16,210 --> 01:19:20,203 Well, no, it won't be that long, because the more I drink, the faster I'll die. 1372 01:19:20,339 --> 01:19:22,250 And I'm just waiting for that mansion, you know? 1373 01:19:22,341 --> 01:19:24,673 That's what I'm talking about. 1374 01:19:25,552 --> 01:19:26,962 Brilliant. 1375 01:19:29,473 --> 01:19:31,839 INTERVIEWER: You call him on the phone, on a telephone? 1376 01:19:31,934 --> 01:19:34,141 No, I just... He's speaking to me now. 1377 01:19:34,228 --> 01:19:35,843 -Is he saying something? -He is, yeah. 1378 01:19:35,938 --> 01:19:37,644 Well, would you please tell us what he's saying? 1379 01:19:37,731 --> 01:19:39,596 He's saying, "Why are you speaking to that idiot?" 1380 01:19:39,692 --> 01:19:41,648 And I'm saying back, "I'll give him a chance... " 1381 01:19:41,735 --> 01:19:44,147 There's got to be something better on TV than this. 1382 01:19:44,238 --> 01:19:46,695 Oh, wait, Mom, don't change it. That's my very good friend. 1383 01:19:46,782 --> 01:19:50,366 Oh, please. I know all your friends, and they're nothing like that. 1384 01:19:50,452 --> 01:19:51,487 What's that supposed to mean? 1385 01:19:51,578 --> 01:19:54,695 It means just because he's talking to the man in the sky 1386 01:19:54,790 --> 01:19:57,998 doesn't make him good enough to be your friend. 1387 01:19:59,753 --> 01:20:02,369 What if I wanted him to be more than just my friend? 1388 01:20:02,464 --> 01:20:04,420 Man in the sky forbid. 1389 01:20:04,591 --> 01:20:06,206 It would make no sense. 1390 01:20:06,302 --> 01:20:09,169 Mark Bellison is who the man in the sky chose to speak through, 1391 01:20:09,263 --> 01:20:11,174 but that doesn't change the fact that he's still a loser 1392 01:20:11,307 --> 01:20:12,638 and your kids would be, too. 1393 01:20:12,725 --> 01:20:15,307 -Well, he is more than just that. -There's nothing more than that. 1394 01:20:15,394 --> 01:20:18,306 Losers are losers. That's all they'll ever be. 1395 01:20:18,397 --> 01:20:19,728 He is... 1396 01:20:21,025 --> 01:20:25,610 He's smart, he's funny, and he's kind, and he is loving. 1397 01:20:26,447 --> 01:20:30,531 And he makes me feel special. He makes me happy. 1398 01:20:30,617 --> 01:20:33,905 You are going to be with the person who's right for you, 1399 01:20:33,996 --> 01:20:36,453 the person who'll give you the kids you've always wanted. 1400 01:20:36,540 --> 01:20:38,656 Someone like Brad Kessler. 1401 01:20:39,710 --> 01:20:41,917 Hello, Brad. One moment. 1402 01:20:43,505 --> 01:20:46,588 -Speak to him. Don't blow this. -(WHISPERING) Mom! 1403 01:20:51,096 --> 01:20:52,131 Hello. 1404 01:20:56,226 --> 01:20:57,557 Hi, Brad. 1405 01:21:07,571 --> 01:21:09,232 MARK: I miss you, Mum. 1406 01:21:11,283 --> 01:21:13,365 I know you can't hear me. 1407 01:21:13,994 --> 01:21:17,327 I know you're not up there in a mansion. 1408 01:21:18,457 --> 01:21:21,164 You're right here in the ground. 1409 01:21:22,586 --> 01:21:26,044 And I'm the only person in the world who knows that. 1410 01:21:27,549 --> 01:21:29,164 And I'm not happy. 1411 01:21:29,259 --> 01:21:31,170 I did all this, but... 1412 01:21:32,262 --> 01:21:34,298 I'm not happy because 1413 01:21:36,016 --> 01:21:39,008 no one listens to what they really want. 1414 01:21:41,939 --> 01:21:44,476 That's why I'll always be a loser. 1415 01:21:46,026 --> 01:21:48,438 That's why I'll always be alone. 1416 01:22:15,931 --> 01:22:17,637 (DOORBELL RINGS) 1417 01:22:19,143 --> 01:22:20,633 (MARK GROANS) 1418 01:22:46,753 --> 01:22:47,959 Mark. 1419 01:22:49,673 --> 01:22:51,334 You look awful. 1420 01:22:54,094 --> 01:22:55,675 Can I come in? 1421 01:22:57,014 --> 01:22:59,801 -Haven't seen you much lately. -Yeah, I know. 1422 01:23:00,184 --> 01:23:03,176 I've been busy with work and things and... 1423 01:23:04,521 --> 01:23:08,309 Also, I tried calling you and you never answer your phone. 1424 01:23:11,445 --> 01:23:14,232 -Did you know I was getting married? -Yeah, I heard. 1425 01:23:15,741 --> 01:23:20,576 That's why I came over here, actually. I wanted to give you this invitation. 1426 01:23:27,461 --> 01:23:28,951 Don't do it. 1427 01:23:29,254 --> 01:23:30,915 The wedding is tomorrow. 1428 01:23:31,006 --> 01:23:33,088 Please, don't marry him. 1429 01:23:36,678 --> 01:23:39,670 -I hope you'll come. -(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Why? 1430 01:23:42,476 --> 01:23:44,842 Because it would make me happy. 1431 01:23:46,855 --> 01:23:48,561 Being around you makes me happy. 1432 01:23:48,649 --> 01:23:49,934 Then why are you marrying him? 1433 01:23:50,025 --> 01:23:54,018 I only have a certain amount of time that I can find my ideal genetic partner, 1434 01:23:54,112 --> 01:23:56,444 have the children that I've always wanted. 1435 01:23:57,616 --> 01:23:59,197 You know that. 1436 01:24:02,579 --> 01:24:04,115 One day, Mark, 1437 01:24:05,165 --> 01:24:09,659 I'll be wrinkly and old, ugly. 1438 01:24:09,836 --> 01:24:12,122 No, you won't. Not to me. 1439 01:24:17,553 --> 01:24:19,418 You'll never be ugly. 1440 01:24:21,723 --> 01:24:23,554 You're confusing me. 1441 01:24:31,608 --> 01:24:34,975 -Please take this. -Have a nice life. 1442 01:24:35,487 --> 01:24:36,727 (SOBS) 1443 01:25:08,979 --> 01:25:10,935 BOY: Enjoying your ice cream, you fat loser? 1444 01:25:11,023 --> 01:25:12,433 (LAUGHING) 1445 01:25:13,191 --> 01:25:14,647 (BOYS LAUGHING) 1446 01:25:14,901 --> 01:25:16,016 Stop that! 1447 01:25:19,323 --> 01:25:21,689 It's okay. Forget about them. 1448 01:25:24,911 --> 01:25:26,401 What's your name? 1449 01:25:26,496 --> 01:25:28,157 Short Fat Brian. 1450 01:25:29,875 --> 01:25:32,207 Well, Brian. 1451 01:25:36,089 --> 01:25:39,627 You are so much more than just short and fat. 1452 01:25:44,306 --> 01:25:47,218 See? You're Brian with the Great Smile. 1453 01:25:48,769 --> 01:25:50,054 Thanks. 1454 01:25:56,652 --> 01:25:58,688 (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) 1455 01:26:00,072 --> 01:26:01,437 GREG: Ow! 1456 01:26:05,494 --> 01:26:06,654 Greg! 1457 01:26:06,912 --> 01:26:08,322 GREG: Sorry! 1458 01:26:08,747 --> 01:26:10,578 Keep the noise down. 1459 01:26:11,583 --> 01:26:13,244 Fat, ginger... 1460 01:26:13,794 --> 01:26:15,580 (PLASTIC RUSTLING) 1461 01:26:16,171 --> 01:26:17,456 Shut up! 1462 01:26:56,294 --> 01:26:58,376 You haven't lost yet, man. 1463 01:27:08,640 --> 01:27:10,505 (CHURCH BELL TOLLING) 1464 01:27:29,911 --> 01:27:30,946 BRAD: Ah! 1465 01:27:31,037 --> 01:27:32,993 (ORGAN PLAYING) 1466 01:28:08,533 --> 01:28:09,693 Loser. 1467 01:28:12,078 --> 01:28:15,696 We are here today, sitting in this building, 1468 01:28:15,791 --> 01:28:18,077 to share in the wedding of Brad and Anna, 1469 01:28:18,210 --> 01:28:20,451 2 attractive young people 1470 01:28:20,712 --> 01:28:25,331 who have come to the conclusion that this wedding will be mutually beneficial, 1471 01:28:25,425 --> 01:28:30,215 that their genetic match-up will be most likely to produce favourable offspring 1472 01:28:30,305 --> 01:28:34,890 and a lifetime of financial stability and physical security. 1473 01:28:36,561 --> 01:28:41,100 Brad, do you agree to stay with Anna for as long as you want to 1474 01:28:41,441 --> 01:28:43,932 and to protect your offspring for as long as you can? 1475 01:28:44,319 --> 01:28:45,479 I do. 1476 01:28:46,112 --> 01:28:50,446 And Anna, do you agree to stay with Brad for as long as you want to 1477 01:28:50,575 --> 01:28:54,067 and to protect your offspring for as long as you can? 1478 01:29:00,752 --> 01:29:01,958 I do. 1479 01:29:02,629 --> 01:29:08,169 Before I pronounce these two man and wife, is there anyone here in this building 1480 01:29:08,260 --> 01:29:12,003 who believes they offer a better genetic match-up to either party? 1481 01:29:18,144 --> 01:29:19,224 Me. 1482 01:29:19,312 --> 01:29:20,927 (GUESTS MURMURING) 1483 01:29:21,773 --> 01:29:23,138 Oh, come on, Mark. 1484 01:29:23,275 --> 01:29:27,234 I mean, look at you. How can you possibly be better than me? 1485 01:29:27,612 --> 01:29:29,273 Because she's happy with me. 1486 01:29:29,406 --> 01:29:32,898 If she were happy with you, what is she doing standing up here with me? 1487 01:29:32,993 --> 01:29:36,201 She thinks her kids deserve the best possible start in life. 1488 01:29:36,288 --> 01:29:37,619 And she's right. 1489 01:29:37,747 --> 01:29:40,409 Yeah. And do you know what that makes you? 1490 01:29:40,500 --> 01:29:41,706 You're a sperm donor. 1491 01:29:41,793 --> 01:29:42,953 (CHUCKLING) 1492 01:29:43,086 --> 01:29:44,496 (GUESTS MURMURING) 1493 01:29:44,963 --> 01:29:46,828 She's my best friend. 1494 01:29:47,924 --> 01:29:49,505 I thought I was your best friend. 1495 01:29:49,634 --> 01:29:51,420 Not now. Let's... 1496 01:29:53,847 --> 01:29:55,462 And I love her. 1497 01:29:56,600 --> 01:29:58,136 Don't do this. 1498 01:29:58,435 --> 01:29:59,925 Don't do it. 1499 01:30:01,187 --> 01:30:03,519 Is this what you really want? 1500 01:30:03,857 --> 01:30:05,267 It's the way of the world, Mark. 1501 01:30:05,358 --> 01:30:08,270 Why? Why does it have to be? 1502 01:30:08,862 --> 01:30:10,773 Who says your kids will be better than mine? 1503 01:30:10,864 --> 01:30:14,982 Who says that a strong jawline or a fast metabolism or a muscular physique... 1504 01:30:15,118 --> 01:30:16,278 He's also taller. 1505 01:30:16,369 --> 01:30:18,360 No, I know, but I'm just... 1506 01:30:19,831 --> 01:30:21,617 Please, man, I... 1507 01:30:23,001 --> 01:30:26,084 Who says those traits will make your kids better than mine, or happier? 1508 01:30:26,171 --> 01:30:27,786 I'll love our children. 1509 01:30:27,881 --> 01:30:28,961 And who says you'll make a better husband 1510 01:30:29,049 --> 01:30:32,086 just because you come from a more privileged family 1511 01:30:32,177 --> 01:30:34,338 or a better genetic line? 1512 01:30:34,804 --> 01:30:36,044 (SIGHS) 1513 01:30:36,306 --> 01:30:39,890 She's a prize on your arm. And your kids will be, too. 1514 01:30:41,353 --> 01:30:42,513 Anna. 1515 01:30:44,189 --> 01:30:47,681 If you tell me this is what you really want, I'll go. 1516 01:30:50,904 --> 01:30:51,984 Is this what you really want? 1517 01:30:52,072 --> 01:30:54,734 Well, now, it's not up to us to decide what we get in life. 1518 01:30:54,866 --> 01:30:58,484 -That's up to the man in the sky. -I'm talking to her. 1519 01:30:59,537 --> 01:31:02,654 Why don't you just ask the man in the sky what he wants for Anna? 1520 01:31:02,749 --> 01:31:05,456 -Surely he knows best. -She knows what's best. 1521 01:31:05,543 --> 01:31:07,659 Just tell her what the man in the sky wants, Mark. 1522 01:31:07,754 --> 01:31:11,667 Why don't you tell me what the man in the sky wants for us, Mark? 1523 01:31:11,758 --> 01:31:13,669 Just please tell me. 1524 01:31:14,886 --> 01:31:16,217 (SCOFFS) 1525 01:31:16,429 --> 01:31:17,544 No. 1526 01:31:25,063 --> 01:31:26,769 (GUESTS MURMURING) 1527 01:31:28,900 --> 01:31:30,185 (SIGHS) 1528 01:31:33,405 --> 01:31:34,394 Are we married yet? 1529 01:31:34,531 --> 01:31:37,113 -Because I have plans later. -There's a few... 1530 01:32:02,809 --> 01:32:04,549 ANNA: Mark, wait! 1531 01:32:06,312 --> 01:32:10,100 Why don't you just tell me what the man in the sky wants? 1532 01:32:11,443 --> 01:32:13,229 -I did a bad thing. -It's okay. 1533 01:32:13,319 --> 01:32:16,652 -You're allowed 3. -No, you don't understand. 1534 01:32:18,908 --> 01:32:21,069 There is no man in the sky. 1535 01:32:25,248 --> 01:32:27,409 Why did you say there was? 1536 01:32:30,003 --> 01:32:34,042 I couldn't stand the look on my mum's face when she was dying. 1537 01:32:34,299 --> 01:32:36,961 And things just escalated. 1538 01:32:39,471 --> 01:32:42,383 But how did you say something that wasn't? 1539 01:32:42,474 --> 01:32:45,637 I don't know, I just did. I just can. 1540 01:32:46,102 --> 01:32:48,218 But when I asked you if being rich 1541 01:32:48,313 --> 01:32:51,601 and successful and famous changed your genetics, 1542 01:32:51,983 --> 01:32:54,224 why didn't you just say yes? 1543 01:32:55,320 --> 01:32:57,436 'Cause it wouldn't count. 1544 01:33:00,325 --> 01:33:01,485 Mark. 1545 01:33:04,412 --> 01:33:05,743 I know what I want. 1546 01:33:05,830 --> 01:33:07,115 (SIGHS) 1547 01:33:10,293 --> 01:33:13,080 I want little fat kids with snub noses. 1548 01:33:20,512 --> 01:33:22,002 I'm your man. 1549 01:33:35,360 --> 01:33:38,022 MARK: So that's it. I got the girl. 1550 01:33:38,530 --> 01:33:41,772 Anna and I are very happy together, by the way. 1551 01:33:41,866 --> 01:33:45,529 She still doesn't fully understand how I said or did all those things. 1552 01:33:45,662 --> 01:33:49,496 No one does. I'm still the only person who can tell a lie. 1553 01:33:49,624 --> 01:33:52,787 Actually, that's not entirely true. 1554 01:33:55,713 --> 01:33:57,499 What do you think? 1555 01:33:59,008 --> 01:34:00,714 That looks good. 1556 01:34:03,513 --> 01:34:05,629 It tastes so good, Mommy. 1557 01:34:06,015 --> 01:34:08,882 -Your best yet. -I'm so glad you like it. 1558 01:34:09,394 --> 01:34:10,884 Huh? Oh. 1559 01:34:15,733 --> 01:34:17,974 I don't know where to start. 1560 01:34:18,486 --> 01:34:22,820 Just start on the bread, maybe, then work my way up there. 1561 01:34:23,366 --> 01:34:27,735 You eat that. You liked it so much. Why don't you eat some more? 1562 01:34:29,539 --> 01:34:30,449 He loves it. 1563 01:34:32,000 --> 01:34:37,800 Ripped by : MKVGuy Subtitles: Arigon