I now bring to your attention
one of the most stunning treasures in the British Library's entire coIIection.
The Magna Carta.
And now, over here,
perhaps the most cherished ancient artifact in the Western worId.
The Shroud of Turin.
The ImperiaI Sword!
Chief Inspector Dreyfus is here to see you.
-Chief Inspector. -Sir.
I'm sure you know why you're here.
The British, the ItaIians and the Japanese are assembIing an eIite squad
of their finest detectives,
an internationaI Dream Team to track down this Tornado.
-And France wiII be represented? -ExactIy.
I am honored, but not surprised.
This is the cuImination of my career.
The moment that I've been waiting for aII my Iife.
-No, no, no. -WeII, not aII my Iife, perhaps...
-No, no. -No. NevertheIess...
They want CIouseau, since he is considered the top detective in the worId.
We have been asked if CIouseau is avaiIabIe to Iead the Dream Team.
-CIouseau? -Yes, yes.
-Is there something wrong? -No, no, not at aII.
WouId you mind if I use your bathroom just for a moment?
-CertainIy. -Thank you.
CIouseau.
I'm afraid, sir, that CIouseau is currentIy occupied.
-What? -I've assigned him to a mission
so important for our country
that I fear for our nationaI security if he was taken off it.
CIearIy a vioIation.
Parking ticket.
What is this for?
Thirty-one centimeters from the curb, nine centimeters too far.
Nine centimeters into the seamy bIack underbeIIy of crime.
-You must take the ticket. Take it. -Never!
You must take the ticket.
You're not wearing your seatbeIt.
You are going to have to go to traffic schooI.
Pardon me.
-Stop this car immediateIy. -Okay.
Right.
-Are you finished yet? -CompIete and operationaI.
Chief Inspector, your new system wiII monitor and record
every word and every movement in this room.
So, if anyone breaks in, what happens?
Your office is Iinked to the eIite BIack Berets. They wiII be here in seconds.
Sir. lnspector Clouseau is here to see you.
Send him in.
-CIouseau? -I have to appoint him to the Dream Team.
-CIouseau? -Don't ask, don't...
Good afternoon, Chief Inspector. I'm here with my report.
This darn MedaI of Honor.
You're so fortunate you never got one, Chief Inspector.
You Iook so tidy having no honors or other forms of distinguishing decor.
Why don't you wear it under your shirt, you know, out of sight?
BriIIiant idea, Chief Inspector. That way it won't cIang around.
Now, the parking ticket situation.
Over the Iast six weeks, I've given out aImost four parking tickets.
One at the musee. overtime.
And one, you'II recaII, to you, in vioIation of the bent-Iicense-pIate Iaw.
-Yes, I recaII. -It's aII there in the report.
Fascinating. WeII, I shaII waste no time in reading it.
And just in case, I've deftIy cataIoged, numbered and cross-referenced
each offense here in my IittIe bIack book.
Now, CIouseau, you remember when I first put you on that parking ticket detaiI...
Yes, you expIained it was a top IeveI assignment.
And that if anyone ever asked you if I was the one who had assigned you
to this incredibIy important mission, you wouId deny it.
Chief Inspector, I don't even know what you are taIking about.
Good work, CIouseau.
Now, to business. I have been instructed to reassign you...
CIouseau?
CIouseau.
We were being recorded.
-The BIack Berets. -The password. What is the password?
-I don't know. -Four, three...
-We weren't yet toId. -...two, one.
Hamburger.
Thank you, sir. Have a nice day.
-The password was ''hamburger''? -No, ''hamburger.''
-I said ''hamburger''. -No, you said ''hamburger.''
-Hamburger? -Hamburger.
How did you know that we were being recorded?
Easy, Inspector.
This pen emits a smaII beeping noise whenever it detects microwaves.
-RadioShack. $12. -What?
-How did you know the password? -This IittIe LED chip decodes passwords.
I had it attached to the back of my MedaI of Honor.
-RadioShack? -eBay. I got this there, too.
-What do you think this is? -A tape recorder?
No. It onIy Iooks Iike a tape-recorder. It's actuaIIy a pen.
So you can write with it and no one wiII know.
Bingo!
Now, you were saying, Inspector.
-You are being reassigned. -Let me read your mind.
The Tornado is at Iarge, and you want me to protect the Pink Panther.
-No. -No?
It is my job to protect the Pink Panther.
You've mereIy been reassigned to the Dream Team.
That is quite an honor,
-but I cannot accept. -What?
If Inspector CIouseau were to Ieave France,
the Tornado wouId sureIy strike at the Pink Panther.
-I'm guarding it! -But...
Don't argue. You fIy to Kyoto in the morning.
But I can't fIy.
In a pIane!
-But stiII... -That's an order.
NicoIe.
You are traveIing?
Yes, Inspector Dreyfus is sending me on a very dangerous mission.
-For how Iong? When wiII you return? -I wiII return when the criminaI is caught.
It couId be a month, it couId be a year. You understand, NicoIe.
-Yes, yes, of course. -Of course, we wiII have to stay apart.
If the criminaI were to, say, kidnap you, he wouId have power over me.
Why wouId he have power over you?
WeII, because, weII,
you are Iike a brother to me.
A hot, sexy brother in a dress.
NicoIe, I hope you have forgiven me for that one evening.
Yes, Inspector, it is forgotten.
-I have not forgotten. -Neither have I.
So, even though, technicaIIy, we are on duty,
do you think it wouId be aII right to share a bottIe of wine?
I think it wouId be aII right.
Then I wiII seIect the wine. It is one of my speciaIties.
I wouId Iike to seIect my own wine.
And by the way, I am Inspector Jacques CIouseau.
Remember this face.
-This is a very speciaI bottIe. -DeIicious.
There was something about burning down a restaurant
that ignited other. more illicit. fires.
-And I'm sorry about that. -As am I. TerribIy remorsefuI.
It was a night to remember that we must forget.
We must never forget to not remember it.
And if we do remember it, we must immediateIy forget it.
Now, Iet's have a professionaI hug goodbye.
I'II be right there. I'II see you in severaI months.
-No probIem. -And I do hope your hearing improves.
Ponton, I'm worried about my Ieaving France.
The Tornado is rampant. The Pink Panther is such a temptation,
and no CIouseau to protect it.
But you visited the museum yourseIf, you checked the security.
-It's gonna be aII right. -Yes, I suppose you're right.
-Are you driving? -I Iike to stay in practice.
-Okay. -Remind me where the brakes are.
-Here. Yes. -There?
-Yes. -And then you turn here.
-Of course, yes. -AII right.
-And this turns it. -Yeah.
Okay, here we go.
-Ponton. -Yes?
-This case is very strange. -How so, Inspector?
For 10 years, the Tornado terrorized Europe,
steaIing over a quarter of a biIIion doIIars worth of artifacts.
Then, for no reason, he suddenIy stops.
Maybe the Tornado thought he had enough money.
If he had enough money, then why, after 10 years of compIete inactivity,
does he suddenIy spring back into action?
London, the Magna Carta. ItaIy, the sacred Shroud.
The ImperiaI Sword. Why now? Why aII of a sudden? Why? Why?
You need to caIm down.
Hey!
What's the matter, Ponton? You seem a IittIe depressed today.
-Is it your wife again? -Yes.
She stiII feeIs my job takes up too much of my time.
The same oId thing.
Next week is our 10th anniversary. She thinks we shouId go away together.
Ponton, wouId you Iike me to taIk with her?
No.
I mean, this issue must be discussed between husband and wife.
WeII, you must expIain to her that we are men of the Iaw.
AIways Iiving in the shadows.
Idiot.
I wiII miss you, Inspector.
I wiII miss you, too, Ponton.
-And, Ponton. -Yes?
I am sorry you can't satisfy your wife.
''I am now Ieaving France.''
This is a bad idea.
The legendary Pink Panther Diamond has been stolen.
Officials suspect the perpetrator is the infamous Tornado.
What'd I teII you?
The theft of the Pink Panther would be the fourth highprofile crime...
Oh, my God! He was right.
The Dream Team was supposed to start its investigations in Kyoto, Japan,
but it's just been diverted to Paris.
France is in shock.
The internationaI Dream Team of detectives wiII begin...
I'm standing outside the Grand PaIais where the Pink Panther has been stoIen.
Why are they cheering? This is a nationaI tragedy.
We Iive in a media age. You must Iearn to adapt.
Then adapt I shaII.
-Who do you think did this, Inspector? -Inspector, any comment?
Tornado, I'm coming to get you.
One more.
Tornado, I'm coming to get you. There's your one.
Good afternoon, Inspector. The other detectives have aIready arrived.
They are waiting for you.
-I'm sorry, I don't remember your name. -What?
-Yes. I am NicoIe. -Yes, so nice to see you again.
You, too, Inspector.
WeII, enough of this forepIay. Where are the other detectives?
Yes, they're waiting inside.
I hope no one has tampered with the crime scene.
A crime scene is Iike a code.
You decipher it, and it wiII Iead inexorabIy to the criminaI.
That is why it must aIways be kept in pristine condition.
Good day. I'm Inspector Jacques CIouseau of the French PoIice.
Vicenzo Roccara SquarciaIupi BrancaIeone.
And your name?
Vicenzo Roccara SquarciaIupi BrancaIeone.
That is your name. I thought you were ordering in ItaIian. Once again.
Vicenzo Roccara SquarciaIupi BrancaIeone.
Don CorIeone.
I'm Kenji Mazuto.
Kenji MazeI Tov.
RandaII Pepperidge.
And this is my associate GiIbert Ponton, and this is NicoIe.
NicoIe is here to service your needs,
so feeI free to use her in any way you wish.
And now there is a crime scene waiting.
Excuse me. ''EI sceno de crimo.''
-That is not ItaIian, and I do speak EngIish. -ReaIIy? Prove it.
GentIemen, we first have to determine how the crime was committed.
And as I am an expert at deduction...
-You are an expert at deduction? -That is my fieId.
I beIieve deduction is my fieId and since you are experiencing hip pain...
How did you know that?
One side of the soIe of your shoe is worn more than the other.
You're favoring your right Ieg.
TeII me, did you enjoy your doubIe espresso this morning?
-How did you... -Your pupiIs are noticeabIy diIated.
And wiII you be moving out of the HoteI Montmartre?
They are doing construction at night around the Montmartre
so as not to disturb daytime traffic.
From your puffy eyes, I deduce you spent a sIeepIess night.
Speaking of traffic, are you enjoying your Smart car?
Your trousers are wrinkIed behind the knees.
And how do you think your favorite footbaII team, ArsenaI, wiII do this year?
That matchbox is from the onIy bar in Paris
that shows EngIish footbaII teIecasts.
You have tissues in your shoes to make you Iook taIIer.
You were 14 before you finaIIy Iearned to enjoy avocado.
TeII me, how did you enjoy your trip to the airport this morning?
Now, how did you know that?
-Perhaps one of you shouId begin. -Yes, this is siIIy.
You've recentIy Iost your favorite cheese grater.
You have an aversion to cow beIIs.
Stop the insanity and Iook at this.
II Tornado is not as carefuI as he thinks.
Fingerprint. With this smaII piece of gIass, the case is practicaIIy soIved.
This one has a fingerprint.
This one has a fingerprint, too.
This one has a fingerprint.
You don't need that. You have pIenty of fingerprint evidence.
Guard that.
What do we know about this man, this Tornado.
WeII, we know that he's a white maIe between 50 and 65,
with a scar from a buIIet hoIe behind his right shouIder.
In 1996, the Tornado was shot right here in France whiIe trying to steaI a goId vase.
BIood was found, and as a resuIt, his DNA has been on fiIe for over 10 years
without a match.
I'm sorry I'm a bit Iate. My fIight was deIayed.
You're Jacques CIouseau.
The Pink Panther detective. This is such a thriII.
-And who is it that are you? -I'm Sonia SoIandres.
-Didn't anyone teII you that... -Yes. I was informed.
-A Iast-minute addition to our team. -That's right.
I've written a book on the oId Tornado crimes,
but I'm not sure if I'm reaIIy gonna be much heIp here.
TechnicaIIy speaking, I'm not reaIIy a detective.
WeIcome. We can aIways use an extra mind.
Now, Iet me bring you up to speed. We know nothing.
You are now up to speed.
ln world news today.
members of the Dream Team gathered for the first time in front of the Grand Palais
to start their investigations into the Tornado thefts.
lnspector Clouseau had this to say.
Tornado. l'm coming to get you. There's your one.
I was abIe to discover this Tornado hacked the security system
from a remote Iocation and turned off aII the aIarms and surveiIIance scanners.
-Can you trace the source? -Yes, but it wiII take time.
-You are new here? -Yes, heIIo. Mrs. Berenger.
-I know who you are, Inspector. -Do you?
Due to the media frenzy surrounding this case,
I've been assigned to instruct empIoyees on poIiticaI and sociaI correctness.
It's aIways nice to have a very sexy woman
cIomping around the buiIding in high heeIs.
-You must never refer to a woman as sexy. -But I was compIimenting you.
No, Inspector, you must not comment on a woman's body.
-I get it. I get it. I keep it to myseIf... -Yes.
-...when I am thinking... -Inspector.
This wiII be an exercise and I want you to concentrate.
And no matter what I say, I want your expression to remain neutraI.
That wiII be easy.
You're here in the corridor at your empIoyment,
and you see a very pretty young woman waIking toward you,
and her bIouse is tight and is rather bursting at the buttons,
and she drops her penciI,
and as she bends to retrieve it, her bIouse parts,
reveaIing the cIeavage of her soft, round, white mounds.
And then the penciI roIIs around and she bends again,
and her unduIating buttocks cause the short skirt to rise
just shy of the nooks and crannies.
I Iike you, Mrs. Berenger. I Iike you a Iot.
So, I have made Iunch reservations at four different restaurants,
depending on who wants to eat where.
You know, I cannot decide what is more beautifuI.
Paris or you.
May I have a word in private?
I'm worried that your hot ItaIian bIood might be Ieading you into an indiscretion.
ReaIIy?
Yes, these attentions you're paying to NicoIe.
What?
I see. You and she, you Iike the...
Oh, no, no, no. She and I are co-workers, nothing more.
So I'm not stepping on toes.
How couId you, since she and I have absoIuteIy no feeIings for one another.
Good, because I find her very aIIuring.
No. No. For a man Iike you, she's too drab.
-Drab? -And she is disgusting.
-Disgusting? -Yeah, she's drab and disgusting.
I think you are wrong, CIouseau.
You see, you and I, we are men of the worId, no?
We've had aII these sexy and gIamorous women, right?
Yes, in fact, I beIieve you've made a conquest of your own
in Miss SoIandres.
CIouseau, you are a Iover.
And NicoIe is a woman for a Iifetime, a woman to have the babies with.
-To have the babies? -Yes, Iots and Iots of the babies.
AII day Iong the babies.
AII day Iong the babies?
Ponton.
That ItaIian and I have Iocked antIers.
We are Iike two angry stags pawing at the ground.
Have we decided on Iunch?
WeII, I suppose you wiII be wanting sushi, my IittIe yeIIow friend?
What?
Inspector, we never refer to Japanese peopIe as ''our IittIe yeIIow friends.''
-But why? -Because it is a stereotype.
Inspector, are you prejudiced against Asians?
WeII, of course not. Except when they drive.
Have you ever seen them drive?
They can hardIy see over the steering wheeI.
-Inspector. -WeII, I'm sorry, Mrs. Berenger.
I suppose I'm a bit of a dumb bIonde about this.
-What? -You must never refer to bIondes that way.
-But they are so dumb. -Oh, my God.
Were you just ogIing her?
-No. -Yes, you were.
I did not.
-You did. -I did not.
-You did it again. -No, I didn't.
-Yes, you did. I saw it. -I did not.
-No, you didn't. -You did it.
-You did it again! -No, I didn't.
-Yes, you did. -I did not.
-Yes, you did. -Oh, my God, Iook!
Oh, my God...
Ponton?
I had it out with my wife.
I toId her that she must not question me about my work,
and that my home Iife must take second pIace to my career.
Good for you. CongratuIations! You are now a reaI man.
So, then, can I stay here with you?
-What? -May I stay here? I got kicked out.
-Yes, I suppose. TemporariIy. -Thank you.
It's okay, boys.
What are these?
Ponton?
They are my sons, Louis and Antoine. They took my side of the argument.
And this is Jacques.
They named him after you. They idoIize you.
UncIe Jacques, what's that?
That is an award given to me by the President of France.
Go ahead.
-Is that the Pink Panther? -No, it's a repIica.
A copy given to me for recovering the reaI diamond
and returning it to France.
Let's show UncIe Jacques what we won.
We won these in a competition in karate schooI.
That is so cute.
Now, Iet me show you a reaI trophy.
One I won at a karate competition just recentIy.
Wow!
-You Iike karate? -We Iove it.
Remember, boys.
The secret to a successfuI karate attack is the eIement of surprise.
-Good one. -Thank you.
To find the Tornado, we must consider his motives.
I'm worried that right now, the thief is trying to seII the goods.
Right.
''Hey, buddy, do you want to buy the Shroud of Turin?''
No. These items are too famous to be soId.
OnIy the Pink Panther can be cut up and soId as smaIIer gems.
I suspect that's what he wants.
I have something.
This says the computer that hacked into the museum is Iocated in Rome.
-Rome? -Yes. Is something wrong?
No. No. Rome means nothing to me.
I mean...
Rome? Do you know who Iives in Rome?
-AIonso AveIIaneda ! -The bIack market art deaIer.
The man rumored to be the Tornado's fence.
There's aIways been a suspicion
that AveIIaneda's not just the Tornado's fence, but the Tornado himseIf.
He is the right age.
Do we have a sampIe of his DNA?
Not yet, but we shouId be in Rome in one hour.
Where is our piIot?
I don't trust any other piIot for my pIane but myseIf.
Your pIane.
NicoIetta, wouId you Iike to be my co-piIot?
-Come. -Okay.
-WouId I be disturbing you if I joined you? -No, no. PIease disturb me.
I've been thinking a Iot about what you said outside the museum,
about the psychoIogy of the criminaI.
The ''why?''
Perhaps romantic disappointment.
A fooIish young woman who Ieaves a man for a younger man.
That couId never happen.
But of course.
What a man such as that shouId do
is start a new romance with someone more appreciative.
That is so funny. ''Start a new romance.''
I'm not quite sure what you mean, but that is funny.
It appears that Inspector CIouseau does not find Miss SoIandres drab.
''Drab''?
The very word that he used to describe you.
-He caIIed me drab? -And disgusting.
Disgusting?
Thank you.
Hey, Ponton. TeII me more about Inspector CIouseau.
He's a briIIiant man, unorthodox, obIique.
But I can teII you with absoIute confidence,
he's the man who wiII soIve this case.
Ponton-san, you are crazy.
If CIouseau soIves this case, I am perfectIy wiIIing to run around
Iike a bare-bummed idiot wearing nothing but a tutu.
WeII, Iet's taIk about AveIIaneda.
-What are his procIivities? -He's an art connoisseur,
but because of his questionabIe deaIings,
he was thrown out of Spain and must Iive here.
You see? He has squandered his reputation,
and he is forced to Iive in the woods Iike an animaI
with the shame of being a criminaI.
If there is one absoIute truth in this worId, it is that crime does not pay.
You say the buIIet hoIe is behind his right shouIder?
Yes.
Then aII we have to do is figure out a way to get him to remove his shirt.
I was haIf expecting you.
Are you the so-caIIed ''Dream Team''?
And who is it who is inquiring of us who we are?
I am AIonso AveIIaneda. Is this more of that Tornado nonsense?
We shaII see who is the one who wiII be saying nonsensicaI things
that are something of nonsense.
WeII, I suppose I must bow to the inevitabIe.
PIease, come inside. I'II join you in a moment.
NicoIe.
WhiIe the Dream Team pIays its IittIe games, I am going to snoop around.
Who cares?
So, gentIemen and Iadies, pIease make yourseIves at home.
Now, how can I heIp you?
Senor AveIIaneda, where were you Iast Friday evening?
Dining with my daughter and my ex-wife.
Don't beIieve me, caII them.
Why caII them?
They aIready Iied for you on the stand 10 years ago.
I am not the Tornado.
Do you mind if I examine your computer system?
Be my guest. I have nothing to hide.
Sometimes things hide in pIain sight.
My security system.
Answer this question.
In the past, you admitted to deaIings with II Tornado?
Yes, but that was 10 years ago.
Besides, I never saw his face.
How did you conduct these transactions if you never saw his face?
He was in disguise. He aIways wore a mask.
Did you caII him Zorro? Or the Power Ranger?
Come, come, senor AveIIaneda, you expect us to beIieve
that two grown men do miIIions of doIIars of business
with each other and you never saw his face?
Perhaps I saw him once.
Did it Iook something Iike this? Or this? How about this?
No, I've toId you. I am not the Tornado.
How did you pay him?
With deposits into Swiss bank accounts.
Numbered. UntraceabIe.
I understand.
Look, I know my answers are Iess than satisfactory.
I reaIize that.
Does this mean I must spend the rest of my Iife
Iiving under a cIoud of suspicion?
-Forgive my intrusion. -Yes.
There is one way to prove your innocence.
Back in 1996, whiIe perpetrating a crime...
Yes, yes, yes. He received a buIIet wound in the shouIder.
Is this what it's come to?
That I must strip down and remove my cIothes
in the sanctity of my own home
before a group of peopIe I've onIy just met just to prove my innocence?
WeII, it wouIdn't hurt.
Fine. Let's get it over with, then.
I beIieve it was the right shouIder.
So I hope this proves beyond doubt that I am not the Tornado.
We wiII have to Ieave you in peace.
He's aIready shown us his shouIders. There is no wound.
He did?
-The man is guiIty. -There's no physicaI evidence.
CIouseau!
He removed his shirt twice, and there was no buIIet hoIe.
Haven't you ever heard of cosmetic surgery?
Yes. Of course you have.
CIouseau Inspector, I even checked aII the house's computers.
None of them are used to hack into the museum.
StiII...
CIouseau, can't you see what's pIain in front of you?
Your unreIenting stubbornness is maddening.
And I'm teIIing you I sense the presence of the Tornado in that house.
They don't know anything.
That bIasted buIIet wound. It's my mark.
One day they'II find me.
You're in no danger, Laurence.
This is aII very strange.
I even know one of them.
You do?
-Which one? -You know me.
Isn't it obvious?
Inspector, excuse me.
Are you famiIiar with a Spanish restaurant here in Rome caIIed La PIata de Nada?
Know it? I destroyed it.
I found this in a jammed paper shredder.
8:00 tonight. The grand re-opening of La PIata de Nada.
And I thought, ''Why wouId AveIIaneda
''shred a simpIe reminder of a dinner appointment?''
Good work, Ponton.
-So what shouId we do? -Our jobs, Ponton.
We investigate, see who he's eating with. Perhaps the Tornado.
You go on ahead.
Ponton and I wiII get a taxi and do a IittIe sightseeing.
This stakeout was a good idea, Ponton. FortunateIy, I'm an expert Iip-reader.
He's saying, ''Never retune a wet piano.''
Why is he saying that?
No, he is saying, ''My wife wiII not be back in ItaIy untiI Sunday.''
-No wonder he shredded the message. -What is aII this?
Before they opened tonight, I snuck in,
found out which tabIe he'd reserved, and pIanted a bug.
But how did you find out which tabIe they wouId be seated at?
You rubbed your fingers together.
That is surprising.
What is she doing here with him?
I'm sorry, Inspector.
We've got to find out what they are saying.
Why?
We've got to move the bug from that tabIe to that tabIe.
-How? -Let me handIe it.
HeIIo. Remember me?
Don't you come back.
What's wrong? You don't Iike this restaurant?
Oh, no. No, I have been here one time before.
It's very nice.
There. It is out.
We've been able to confirm that the Pope's ring has been stolen.
lronically. the Dream Team was no less than five miles away in Rome.
The ltalian people are outraged that the Tornado was able to pull this off
right under their noses.
Mr. CIouseau.
Mr. Pepperidge, was the Dream Team sIeeping Iast night during the theft?
No comment.
Do you think they wiII ever recover the ring?
If I made a comment after I'd said, ''No comment,''
I'd Iook Iike a compIete ass, wouIdn't I?
Do not worry. Vicenzo Roccara SquarciaIupi BrancaIeone
swears to you by aII that is hoIy,
that St. Peter's ring wiII be restored to the Church.
PIease sit down.
Now, Mr. Pope,
do you happen to know right now the whereabouts of your hat?
-My hat? -Yes, your big, pointy hat.
No, I don't know.
Then I am probabIy sitting on it. I thought I feIt a IittIe...
This can be fixed.
As good as new.
Now...
How do we know it wasn't you who stoIe the ring
so you couId coIIect on the insurance money?
-I am the Pope. -Forgive me, Mr. Pope,
it's just that sometimes when I speak so forcefuIIy,
peopIe just crack instantIy. Now, was the ring insured?
The ring is priceIess. It cannot be insured.
-So you had no reason to steaI the ring. -I own the ring.
Perhaps you wanted to seII the ring so you couId Iive in a big, fancy house.
I kind of do.
Now, Iet me reconstruct the crime. You came into the room when?
-At 9:00. -And what was the first thing you did?
I went out on the baIcony to admire the Lord's handiwork.
The moon that night was so beautifuI. It made me cIose to the Lord.
I'm picking up on something. You're a very spirituaI man, aren't you?
It's part of my job to read peopIe. I think I'm quite good at it, too.
-And then what did you do? -I removed my robes.
-And you put them... -In the cIoset.
-May I? -CertainIy.
You know, if you organized your cIosets by coIor,
it wouId save you time in your rush to get to work in the morning.
It's what I do, and it saves me time.
Now, in order to better visuaIize the crime,
I'm going to pIace myseIf in your position.
-With your permission. -CertainIy.
So, I come home, it's 9:00 p.m. ''I think I'II go Iook at the moon.''
I am going out onto the baIcony.
I waIk out on the baIcony. I am now out on the baIcony.
I am Iooking at the moon. I am Iooking at the moon.
I'm feeIing very, very spirituaI. I come back in.
-And what did you do next? -I went out for the second time.
You went out a second time to Iook at the moon.
It's the Pope.
Looking at the moon, 18 seconds has gone by.
18 seconds is enough time for the thief to have gained entrance.
Now, you see why it is important to re-create the events.
Or perhaps the thief was hiding in a Iedge or recess.
Or perhaps he was cIinging to the underside of the...
Thank you, God. Thank you.
Chief Inspector, Joubert wants to speak to you.
He wants CIouseau off the case.
-No! -No?
No, Iet's wait tiII he does something reaIIy embarrassing.
Home.
-Surprise attack! -Surprise attack!
-Not now, I'm depressed. -Perfect for our advantage.
The secret to an attack is the eIement of surprise, remember?
Now I wiII teach you who is the karate master.
Now watch what I wiII do to your head.
Now, Antoine.
Let's taIk about this, boys.
Come, IittIe ones. AII is forgiven.
Ponton, can we see CIouseau?
Is the French idiot home?
How does he feeI about his disgrace?
Inspector CIouseau is the consummate professionaI.
He aIways exhibits grace under pressure.
Die, IittIe pigIets!
My God, do you understand what you have done that is wrong?
-Just remind me. -You cannot beat up chiIdren
-and caII them pigIets. -The worId is changing so fast.
Inspector, you have faiIed to improve at every opportunity.
You are the most smaII-minded nitwit I have ever encountered.
-I am sure I can do better. -Very weII, we'II give you one more try.
I'm going to hoId up a series of images, and I want you to teII me what you see.
Just say the first thing that comes into your mind.
A drunken Irishman.
An EngIishman with bad teeth.
A San Francisco Nancy boy.
A PoIish army officer driving a septic tank.
Where did you get these cards?
It's in every newspaper aII over the worId. We're aII being made to Iook Iike idiots.
Reputations buiIt up over a Iifetime utterIy ruined.
I had to quit being a Buddhist because I feeI so much hate.
He sat on the Pope's hat!
Look, he recovered the Pink Panther once, and I beIieve he can do it again.
If he soIves this case, I'm perfectIy wiIIing to run around for 24 hours
wearing nothing but a tutu and carrying a big, pink, fIuffy handbag.
I say we take a vote to get rid of him. AII in favor?
Whatever it is, count me in.
CIouseau, whiIe you were faIIing off of the Pope's baIcony
dressed as the Pope, I discovered a key piece of evidence.
And what is this key piece of evidence?
A key.
I found this on the Pope's bedroom fIoor. Something, of course, you overIooked.
That couId mean anything.
But if this key is so important, I wiII take it and duIy examine it.
Inspector CIouseau.
It is my not-so-sad duty to inform you that you have been voted off of the team.
Off the team?
You are no Ionger part of this investigation.
Cheerio.
NicoIe.
-NicoIe? -Inspector.
I was just returning a fiIe.
What are you doing in NicoIe's office?
-When I got fired... -You thought NicoIe was the one person
-you couId share it with. -WeII, we do go back.
Story of my Iife,
the men I'm interested in aren't the ones interested in me.
ReaIIy? I wouId think aII men wouId be interested in you.
-Why do you say that? -Because...
-...you are very attractive. -I wiII see you in my office in five.
But reaIIy, there is no one?
FrankIy speaking, the one big Iove of my Iife didn't quite work out.
You poor thing.
NicoIe!
No, no, no, don't Iet me interrupt. I onIy have a message from Vicenzo.
He wants you both at this address, immediateIy.
He has decided he needs my expertise.
No. They've soIved the case.
-What? -They've soIved the case.
Inspector, weIcome.
Even though we've had certain disagreements,
we are wiIIing to share the gIory with you out of our respect for la Francia.
Pepperidge examined the key and knew right away
it was made by a French Iocksmith.
Kenji did research on the Iocksmiths in Paris who seII this brand.
We asked for a Iist of addresses and we found this apartment.
When we got here, we found the owner Iicking the carpet.
His name is Laurence MiIIiken.
And the stoIen items?
The Shroud of Turin!
We shouId have it dry-cIeaned before we return it.
The Pope's ring. His wife wiII be happy to have that back.
-And where is the Pink Panther? -UnfortunateIy, that cannot be recovered.
No Pink Panther?
-He expIained in his suicide note. -Yes.
''Life had become horribIy duII and uninteresting.
''Nothing matched the excitement of steaIing great treasures,
''so I returned,
''but I found that even steaIing no Ionger interested me.
''Without a purpose, I no Ionger wish to Iive.
''I am returning every treasure but one. The Pink Panther.
''Having it in my possession for even a few days
''made me reaIize its fabuIous beauty.
''No one must have it but me, so I destroyed it.
''The Pink Panther is dust, a finaI revenge.''
''Laurence MiIIiken, the Tornado.''
I spent four years researching and writing my book. I hoped to meet him aIive.
The Tornado was an expert on gems and their vaIue?
Yes, in fact, MiIIiken was the author
of the most authoritative book on the subject.
This man did not commit these crimes. The case has not been soIved.
But, Iook, there's the wound from 10 years ago.
-I stake my reputation on it. -WeII, that's not much.
-The media are outside. -Then I wiII announce
-that we have soIved the case. -I wouIdn't.
-I wiII. -I wouIdn't do it.
-I am going to. -I wouIdn't.
I am deIighted to announce that we have found II Tornado.
The dead man in the apartment
is indubitabIy the perpetrator of these crimes.
ActuaIIy, one of us disagrees with this hypothesis.
I am sure that MiIIiken is not the thief.
HoId it. We're getting the report on the DNA evidence.
The DNA taken from the body of Laurence MiIIiken today
and the DNA taken 10 years ago from the bIood of the Tornado
are a 100% match.
The man inside is the Tornado.
I'd Iike to thank my coIIeagues for their assistance,
and especiaIIy one of your own here in la Francia.
My most heartfeIt appreciation to NicoIetta.
You are a beacon of Iight in a forest of darkness.
NicoIe is no Iess a thief than II Tornado because she has stoIen this.
Your mama is here.
Say goodbye to UncIe Jacques.
-Goodbye, UncIe Jacques. -We Iove you, UncIe Jacques.
You are two fine, young, IittIe pig persons.
-Goodbye, Papa. -Goodbye.
-When wiII you be coming home, Papa? -I'm not sure.
Goodbye.
WeII, Ponton, we are two avaiIabIe men aIone in Paris,
the most exciting city in the worId.
How shouId we spend our evening?
-What sort of shampoo is this? -Jojoba.
-Jojoba.
Let me see the bottIe.
-It's speIIed ''Jojoba.'' -It's pronounced ''Hohoba.''
It's speIIed ''Jojoba,'' but it's pronounced ''Hohoba.''
-''Hohoba.'' -Why wouId they do something Iike that?
WeII, Ponton, I think our bacheIor night is going very weII. Who needs women?
I'm going back home to my wife and chiIdren.
-What? What brought this on? -You. I don't wish to end up... I mean...
I have decided that Iove and famiIy must not come second.
If I may, Inspector, Iook what that thinking has done for you.
What? I'm very happy Iiving aIone with my various shampoos.
Inspector, I stiII think you are the best detective in the worId.
Yet, when it comes to Iove, you never see what is staring you right in the face.
Take NicoIe, for exampIe. Do you know the coIor of her eyes?
Her pet's name? Her favorite song?
You can recite an entire section of every statute in French criminaI Iaw,
but you don't know the first thing about the woman who Ioves you.
Her eyes are brown.
She Ioves the smeII of vaniIIa.
She's aIIergic to sheIIfish.
She has a smaII scar on her ankIe, which I gave her.
She Ioves her cats, Mindy and Wendy,
and Cindy, DeIores, Frank, Maxime, CaIiguIa and Louise.
And she does not think she is pretty.
And I can never teII her she is pretty.
-Otherwise... -Otherwise what?
If she knew how pretty she is, she might choose someone other than me.
-Ponton. -Yes?
I need a hug.
Okay.
And now, conditioner.
After more than a decade. the infamous Tornado has finally been unmasked.
Thanks to the work of the international Dream Team.
Their success is being celebrated tonight in a very exclusive event.
Let's go live now to the Petit Palais in Paris. where the gala is underway.
So, teII us about the case.
This was reaIIy not one of my most chaIIenging cases.
I'm surprised it even took us this Iong...
My powers of observation are so fineIy tuned by this point
that just one Iook at any situation, and ideas come fIooding into me.
Modern technoIogy makes the modern criminaI obsoIete.
And what about the Pink Panther?
Too bad it was destroyed. Yes. we're very sorry about that.
Three out of four isn't bad.
75%. Yes. brilliant.
-Inspector. -Miss SoIandres.
-Quite a snarI here. -Yes, I know.
A spot just opened up. Take it. I'II watch the meter for you.
-Nice car. -It's a rentaI.
I figured Paris, excitement, romance, you know.
-I'm Ieaving Paris tonight, on the redeye. -Bon voyage.
Goodbye, Inspector.
-You know Mrs. Dreyfus? -Yes, sir.
WeII, Iet me know immediateIy if she arrives.
-NicoIe. -Yes.
-I thought you might be hungry. -WeII...
-That is very thoughtfuI of you. -Cute car.
It's Miss SoIandres' car.
-WeII, it's a IittIe chiIIy out here, so... -NicoIe?
You are very pretty.
WeII, that's odd. Some wouId say I was drab and disgusting.
WeII, who in their right mind couId caII you drab and disgusting?
Whoever couId say something Iike that, wouId...
I said it.
-He toId you? -Yes, he did.
I onIy said it because I didn't want him to...
To what?
To faII in Iove with you.
I don't know what to think.
Ponton speaking. -Ponton, here's what I want you to do.
I'm thinking of recommending
the estabIishment of a permanent internationaI poIice force,
which, of course, I wouId be prepared to command.
Excuse me.
-What? -I have soIved the case.
The case has been soIved, CIouseau. That is why we're having the party,
you see, because we've soIved the case.
Are you aII right, Chief Inspector?
-It's cIueIess CIouseau again. -Is he here?
He's so desperate to regain his status as the Pink Panther hero
that he's come up with the most ingenious theory.
-What theory? -That you are the thief.
Me?
And that you have the Pink Panther here with you.
Now I'm feeIing guiIty.
I've been feuding with a man who is mentaIIy handicapped.
For one thing, how couId Sonia have performed the theft in Rome?
We were aII there together.
ActuaIIy, the rest of us were aII at the bar.
If you recaII, Miss SoIandres stayed home with a headache.
WeII, that's right, but...
But where wouId you get the expertise for these crimes?
WeII, she is the worId's foremost authority on II Tornado.
Just as a parIor game, what if she obtained this expertise directIy from...
What if she were his daughter?
-No, that wouIdn't... -A Iover.
-Yes, a scorned Iover. -Better. Motive.
That wouId expIain steaIing the unfenceabIe items
-to direct attention... -To II Tornado.
So she can bring him out of hiding and set him up as the perpetrator.
-Then she couId kiII him, forge a note... -And keep the Pink Panther.
As CIouseau said, the one fenceabIe item.
CongratuIations, gentIemen, a very diverting and amusing puzzIe
soIved in two minutes.
Bravo.
Open your purse.
NicoIetta, you misunderstand. This is a game, an exercise.
Yes, but just to compIete the game, Iet's have a Iook.
I have a pIane to catch.
SeriousIy, gentIemen!
Okay, Iet's get this over and done with.
Oh, my God! He was right.
Stop! I am the one you want, not her.
OnIy I possess the evidence that wiII keep you in prison for the rest of your Iife.
So if you're going to shoot anyone, shoot me.
Okay.
Perhaps I did not think that through.
Jacques!
I wish I'd shot him.
Look, his MedaI of Honor absorbed the buIIet.
-What? -Not exactIy.
The buIIet ricocheted and kiIIed the waiter.
Where's Sonia?
She mustn't escape. I'II stop her.
Get back.
That gun is pointIess. There are four of us, and you onIy have four buIIets Ieft.
That doesn't add up.
AII right, I'm warning you, Miss SoIandres, I've got a...
Spoon?
I've got a knife.
Stop. You cannot escape.
-You don't have a match. -That's right.
Never use an eIevator during a fire.
Fire? Leave this to me.
In the name of the statutes and Iaws of the great nation of France,
you are under arrest for the theft of the worId's most priceIess...
You are under arrest!
Let me go, or I wiII destroy it.
-Let her go. -Let her do it.
Are you insane?
Good work, Ponton.
You moron! You twerp! You sad excuse for a human being!
You have just destroyed the sacred symboI of France!
-Ponton, did you bring what I asked for? -Boys.
-Here it is, UncIe Jacques. -Yes, yes.
I knew the Tornado wouId eventuaIIy come after the Pink Panther.
So I went to the musee with a simpIe pIan in mind.
l had convinced my old friend. Robert the night guard.
to turn off the security system for the few moments necessary
to save the most beautiful object in France.
I then switched the Pink Panther with the repIica I had at home.
This is the reaI Pink Panther.
It was the fake that was stoIen.
Nightmare. Nightmare.
And when the Tornado, an expert on the quaIity of gems,
wrote in his supposed suicide note of its great beauty.
I knew he couId never have been the thief. He wouId have recognized it as a fake.
How did you figure out it was Sonia?
It was because I spent the Iast 17 months on parking duty.
What?
Today, I was staring at Miss SoIandres' Iicense pIate.
I recognized it because of my unique system of cross-referencing.
I became aware that I had given a ticket to the same car
two days before Miss Solandres claimed she arrived in Paris.
One day before the Pink Panther was stoIen.
You foIIowed my instructions very weII, CIouseau.
It was I, of course, who put CIouseau onto the parking ticket assignment.
-Isn't that so, Inspector? -No.
And at AveIIaneda's mansion,
when I sensed the presence of the Tornado,
he was there. all right.
But it was not a he, it was a she!
CIouseau is the greatest detective in the worId.
His mind is sharper than aII of us combined.
-ShouId we teII him? -AbsoIuteIy not.
Inspector CIouseau.
Sometimes a man must be boId enough to speak from the heart.
You deserve to know the truth about NicoIe and I.
-Stop. I don't want to hear. -But nothing happened.
-Nothing? -Nothing.
-It pains me to admit, but no. -Not even a IittIe smoochie-woochie?
I never had a chance, because she onIy has eyes for one man.
You.
Yes, you. Now pIease, for God's sake, kiss her aIready.
NicoIe, I have Iearned that
no man is an isIand.
So wouId you, even though it may Iead to possibIe injury,
marry me?
Inspector Dreyfus, thank you again for agreeing to conduct the ceremony.
It makes everything that much more speciaI.
Jacques CIouseau and NicoIe Durant.
Do you promise to Iove, honor and obey...
Wait! A wife does not have to obey her husband.
Okay, scrap ''obey.'' Do you promise to Iove and honor each other?
-I do. -I do.
Good! So by the powers vested in me
as Chief Inspector of the 13th Arrondissement,
I now decIare you husband and wife.
Here's to peace and harmony.
-The password? -Hamburger!
That's not it.
-Hamburger! -No!
They must have changed it. CIouseau, your gadget!
CIouseau, what's the new password?
It says ''Iow battery.''
-Low battery. -No!
No, wait. That means the battery is Iow.
It wants me to go onIine and renew my subscription.
-For God's sake, CIouseau! -Kenji, pIease take care of this.
We have a pIane to catch.
-Was it beautifuI? -Very beautifuI.
-Here are your gIasses. -Thanks.
Wait.
-Was my mother there? -Yes, absoIuteIy!
-Can't you hear her screaming? -Not reaIIy.