J' Well since time out Of mind I been lazy J'
J' And times before That I was cruel J'
J' And the times Before that J'
J' I was mean I was mad J'
J' I never had Nobody like you J'
J' And the times before That I was crazy J'
J' I saw the dark Side of the moon J'
J' And the stars In the sky J'
J' They never Caught my eye J'
J' 'Cause I never had Nobody like you J'
J' I never had Nobody like you J'
[baby crying]
J' I never had Nobody like you J'./'
[baby crying]
Tommy?
Tommy, the baby.
Hm?
It's your turn.
[groans]
[whispers] Please.
Right. Right. Okay, okay.
[baby crying]
God damned baby.
[sighs]
[baby crying]
Don't do that.
The second we walked in here, I could feel my wallet start whining.
If we're gonna get the steak, you wanna get the Oregon Pinot.
Yeah, I saw that. It's 200 bucks though.
Babe, it's our anniversary.
Have you had a chance to decide on some wine this evening?
You have no live entertainment.
You are correct, sir.
And I have no money. An idea, and you can say no.
Is it possible for me to dance off a portion of our tab?
Dance it away?
It would be unusual
Look how cute he is.
Has this worked before?
Not that I can remember.
Are you sure? Because he's very good.
Really?
No.
You're an idiot.
I'm an idiot? You married me.
So?
Three years!
I know. Three years.
Well?
[clears throat] I knew you were gonna bring this up.
So, you remembered?
Absolutely, I remember.
So, you're ready?
Yeah, I'm totally ready.
You're ready to be a dad?
A dad? What? I thought we were talking about anal.
Is the three year not the anal anniversary?
No. It is. Okay.
Okay, if you really want to, I'm willing to give it a try.
Seriously?
Yes. We need to stop by the sex shop on the way home.
I need to get a strap-on. Do you prefer regular or ribbed?
You are good. You had me there.
Seriously, I'll give it a try.
I just don't know if it will fit.
Of course it won't fit. That's the fun. Pain.
We could do that, or we could just have a baby.
Ah, you did remember.
I did.
You really wanna have a baby?
Yeah, I really do.
We're gonna have a family.
We are gonna have a family.
You can teach him how to play baseball.
And how to pick up chicks.
What if it's a girl?
I love girl on girl.
Get it out. Just get it all out.
Um, so Audrey, when do you wanna get started?
[moaning]
I I feel like something Good is on the way J'
Hey, how's my form?
[moaning]
[Audrey moaning]
[bedsprings creaking]
[clea rs th roat]
What? What's wrong?
What?
Nothing. Nothing
Are you bored?
Are you tired of having sex with me? Are you disgusted?
Can you get out of me, please?
Ouch.
Why isn't this working, Tommy?
Something's wrong.
Maybe it's 'cause you don't really wanna have a baby.
How can you say that?
I've been working my ass off for nine months trying to get you pregnant.
So it's a job? I'm sorry, how much, how much do I owe you?
Is it 40, 50 bucks?
Wow. 50 bucks? That's it?
You know, you could possibly get a back alley shave for that,
but not this, sister.
I'm sorry I low balled you.
Well, you did. That was a serious low ball.
I'm not a crack whore.
You're the one who said having sex with me was like a job.
I never said that. You said that.
You weren't thinking it?
No.
It felt like it.
It's not what I was thinking, because I'll tell you,
sex with you is-- it's beautiful, you know.
And it's wonderful.
And it's amazing.
Sex with you is like-- it's like, it's like--
(Tommy) It's like a full time job
Maybe you oughta get tested.
[laughing]
Tested? No. I'm good.
Oh, you're good? How do you know you're good?
Excuse me, Wade. I'm shooting good stuff. I know this for a fact.
All right. I never told anyone this,
and I swear to God I'll kill everyone if you say anything,
but when I decided to ask Audrey to marry me, I couldn't afford a decent ring, right?
So I told her that I joined a softball team.
You suck at softball.
I hate softball. I told her I joined the softball team.
What I did instead, I drove back to Pasadena to a sperm bank. Right?
I donated sperm. Every week for 20 weeks.
Eighty-five bucks a pop they paid me.
At the sperm bank, they don't take bad sperm.
They test the shit out of it.
Hey, dude, 85 bucks a pop?
If someone were to rob that place
and sell the sperm on the street, they can make a fortune.
Jesus, Zig Zag. Have you been downtown lately?
There's enough sperm on the street to choke Doogie Howser.
Hey, bring out the pictures, man.
You brought the pictures of the ex, right?
The pictures of Tanya? Bring 'em out. I've seen that shit.
She's my girlfriend now.
She's aware you're showing these pictures?
Yeah, probably.
Holy shit, dude. Look at those nipples.
No offense, but I can tell how Tommy might be able to pull this girl.
But with Wade?
Did you say "no offense"?
Is she a chubby chaser?
That's more offense. You keep offending.
I'm sorry, but okay, no offense.
Just tell us how you got this chick.
You see, Tommy and I are cut from the same cloth, my friend.
Good cock, bad cock. Come on.
Honey, is he even ejaculating properly?
Because I read on the Internet that guys are faking it. It's like a trend.
Mine does not fake it.
Nobody likes a gloater.
How do guys fake it?
They keep a bike bottle in the bed and then they squirt it over your back.
I saw it on YouTube.
Tommy is not faking it, but something's wrong
I'm kinda worried.
Are you using your fertility calendar?
Yeah, I have an app for that
I love apps.
You know, 90% of the lime, it's the guy's fault.
It's definitely Tommy. You need to get that junk checked.
Hey, listen, guys, can we keep this between us?
Tommy's a little sensitive about all this stuff.
I won't say anything.
Who am I gonna tell?
Hey, Coach Stubbs. How're you doing?
Tommy Macklin. How the hell are you?
Not too bad.
How's that pretty wife of yours?
Good, good. How's the team this year?
Honestly? We suck about nine different kinds of ass.
We're pulling for you either way.
Thanks. We're pulling for you, too.
For who? For me?
Well, I understand you have a little trouble knocking up the Mrs.
You know what works really well? Hot peppers.
Eat as many of 'em as you can.
Just make sure you don't go munching on her biscuit right away.
You'll kill the poor woman.
[laughs]
You gotta keep the sperm cool, yah?
You can't let the balls get overheated.
That's why they hang on the outside.
Like an air cooled Volkswagen engine.
(man) Shitake mushroom, ginger root, cucumber.
You mash /'1' all up. You allow it to boil for three long hours
and you gently lower your ball sack down in there,
and let them steep for ten minutes.
Blue Mountain, Jamaican remedy that.
What the hell are you doing to me, Audrey?
Did you go and tell the whole world?
No, I told three people. I told Mona, Greta, and Karen.
You didn't tell three people. You told three women.
What's that supposed to mean? Where's the ginger root?
Why do you think there are no female serial killers?
Because after they kill the first guy, they gotta go tell somebody.
That's actually a good point.
[telephone ringing]
Hello?
Oh, hi there.
Uh, yeah.
Mm, well, I hadn't heard that.
No. No, thank you.
Yeah.
I love you, too. Okay.
Who was that?
That was your mom.
She said I should try putting Ben Gay on my scrotum to heat up the sperm.
She just-- Do you think that would work?
No.
Why does everybody have advice for me ?
Maybe, maybe it's you.
Where are all the calls of everybody telling you to pour hot sauce
on your...vagina?
Okay. I made us appointments with Dr. Vickerey to get us both checked out.
He's supposed to be the best, so you gotta gel your sperm checked.
Honey, there's nothing wrong with my sperm.
Really? How do you know that?
'Cause there's a party down there!
Do you hear that? [beating]
Seriously, this thing smells like shit.
Can you lower 'em in?
I think you just do one at a time.
How am I gonna do one at a time?
I don't have them. I don't know.
(Tommy) I'm telling you, it is a waste of time
Just do it. Prove her wrong.
Show her you got awesome sperms.
Dude, Audrey's making you check your sperm?
Tell her I said to lighten up.
[laughing]
No, I just have trouble in groups.
It's hard to keep it going when there's a bunch of other people around.
You've never been to an orgy?
No. Have you?
Nah. But I had sex with two different chicks in the same week. Bifecta!
I went to an orgy once.
Not with Audrey. [laughs]
There's just gonna be a bunch of other guys jerking off in all the other rooms.
I don't feel like it.
But didn't you do that for a living?
No, not for a living.
But you got paid to do it.
Okay, fine, but I knew the guy who owned the place,
and he let me come in after hours when it was empty.
Dude, gel this. My brother's a lawyer.
He represented this pervert that works at one of those clinics.
Sick bastard hid cameras in the smoke detectors.
Cops raided his house. Found stacks of DVD's
of guys choking their cobras. [hisses]
[laughs] What?
Wade, let's go.
Cool. Let's get out.
I'll catch you guys in a few. I'll follow.
Why do we hang out with that douche bag?
Doesn't bother you he used to go out with Audrey?
I used to go out with Tanya and you still hang out with me.
Yeah, but at least you don't look like a blond squirrel.
I do not.
You know what?
Don't worry about this jerking off thing. You're gonna be fine.
I have a little inspiration for you.
For old time's sake.
Oh, no, no. I can't.
Yes, you can.
That's not right.
But those nipples are world fucking class.
They are. They're like little tits on top of big tits.
No, take them. I can't.
Okay. Sure? You're too good. You're too good.
And by that I mean you're an unbelievable pussy.
Maybe so. Maybe so.
Well.
Excuse me. I go whack my ding-dong into a plastic dish
with a bunch of dudes all around.
Okay. Don't do it while you're driving.
I I just need J'
J' Your love injection J'
J' I don't need Your affection /'J"
Dr. Vickere y is the best in the business.
If he can't impregnate your wife, no one can.
You'll be in room four today.
Pedro!
[foreign accent] Sorry. I-I am sorry. I was, uh,
just making a phone call.
I'm sorry, Mr. Macklin.
(Pedro) I wasn't jerking off.
As you can see, we have several different forms of stimulation,
both homo and hetero.
I'll take hetero.
Well, you have 20 minutes.
Relax and take your time.
Hey, doctor, where is the lubrication?
Oh, no, we can't run a risk of contamination. You will just have to dry.
And you can't use saliva either.
The human mouth is quite filthy.
Okay.
I'll just be right here if you need me.
Okay.
Right where? Like right there?
Oh, well, I can go away for a few minutes if you prefer.
No, it's, it's--
Damn, it's hot.
Yeah. Let's take a break.
[chuckles]
[giggles]
[laughing]
Gal, as pretty as you are, we're still missing one thing.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
You gotta meet my friend, Big Jim.
Ooh. I sure hope he's handsome.
[laughs]
[neighs]
Nice to meet you, Jim.
You are big.
[loud volume]
[women moaning]
[horse neighs]
Mr. Mack/in, could you please turn that down a bit?
It's a touch loud.
[horse neighs]
(Tommy) I have to go home.
Babe, all you had to do was jerk off into a cup.
What's the big deal? I mean, seriously-
How many times have you masturbated in your life? A hundred?
Uh, sure. About 100, yeah.
I called and they said you can do it at home.
You have to get the sample there within 30 minutes.
I've timed the drive and it's 18 minutes, so don't waste time.
I'm teaching a class at 4:00,
so you have the whole place to yourself to do your little jerky business.
Sort of takes the fun out of it when you tell me I have to do it.
I prefer sneaking around when you're not here
and pretending I don't do it.
Yeah, okay.
Hi. What's your name?
[foreign accent] Alberto.
Could you help me with my lotion ?
By boyfriend usually does it but we just broke up.
Thanks.
Si, senora. No hay problema.
[doorbell chimes]
Oh, could you do the bottoms, too?
[doorbell chimes]
Shit, shit.
Hi, there. How are you on this blessed day?
Hi. Good.
Great. If you have a moment, we'd like to tell you
about our personal savior, Jesus Christ.
You know, I don't know if right now is the best time to talk about Jesus.
It's not a good time to talk about Jesus?
God's only son died for his sins but it's "not a good time. "
Well, I guess some people just think they're more important than Jesus.
I don't think I'm more important than Jesus.
But unless he can miracle a baby up into my wife's vagina,
then I gotta take a pass.
Thank you though so much. Okay, bye.
[whispers] All right.
[exhales] Jesus Christ. Come on.
(Audrey) Tommy? You're home ?
Hi.
What's going on?
Oh, you kinda caught me doing something naughty.
Really?
My college roommate, Jenny, is here.
And we've been talking about old times,
and laughing about how we used to share everything.
Say hi, Jenny.
Hi.
Anyway, since we share everything,
Jenny was wondering if we could share you.
Oh, okay.
He said yes.
Go ahead, Tommy.
Really?
Thanks, Audrey.
He likes it from behind.
Oh, cool.
[sighs]
[whispers] Thank you.
Oh, Jesus!
Do you have enough time for me now, Tommy?
Why?
Dude. [grunts]
[whispers] No, sir. No way.
[Tommy moaning]
(Tommy) Oh, come on, come on, come on
[honking]
[laughs]
Ah!
Nice move, dickhead.
[laughs]
Hey!
[panting]
[shouts]
[cell phone ringing]
[grunts] What's up, Tommy?
The pictures, the ones of Tanya, I left them on the bathroom sink.
You gotta go get 'em.
Yeah, dog. I knew you'd use 'em.
I used pictures of cantaloupes.
Did you say cantaloupes?
I got some flat tires.
Some flat tires? Are you high?
You've gotta go to my house and get those pictures.
Of the cantaloupes?
The pictures of Tanya!
You said you didn't use them.
The back door's open. The pictures are in the bathroom.
Okay, I got one more set to do.
Do this now!
All right. Chill out. I'm on the move.
You chill out.
You fuck chill out!
(Todd) Audrey. Audrey!
Hey-
My God, are you taking gorgeous pills or what?
Thanks, Todd.
Hi.
Oh, my gosh, she's so cute.
She could've been yours if you'd said yes to me.
Just kidding. [chuckles]
We're actually trying for one of our own.
Right. Yeah. I heard about that.
Tom's having some trouble, huh?
Oh...no, no.
Audrey, it's okay. It's me.
Okay, well, yeah. But it's gonna be fine
'cause we're seeing this really great doctor,
and it's all gonna be taken care of.
Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure.
Look, you never know how these things are gonna work out.
Hey, slow down, asshole! I got kids!
Well, I'd better get her back.
I'll see you at Tommy's birthday.
Good to see you.
I miss you.
Okay. Bile-
Huh.
[POP music]
Fucking wild goose chase, Tommy.
Hello.
Goddammit.
[unzips pants]
(Audrey) Tommy?
Oh, Shit. shit, shit, shit.
[whispers] Okay,Okay okay,okay.
J' I'm a man J'
J' God damn Gad damn J'
J' God damn J'
J' I'm a man J'J'
Wade, did you get the pictures?
I couldn't find them.
Where's my wife?
In the shower.
What's with the pants?
I saw those cantaloupes.
Hey! Help!
[closes faucet]
[Wade moaning outside]
(Audrey) Hey. How did it go?
Uh, great. I had a few flat tires, but--
A few flat tires?
Yeah.
Did you get it there on time?
Of course I got it there on time.
Thank you for doing that for me.
I'm happy to. I'm just glad that tomorrow
we have proof that my guys are good to go.
Me, too.
Can I put my penis in your vagina right now?
Yes.
I'm feeling really potent.
- Oh, are you? - Yes, I am.
I'm afraid your sperm count is too low to conceive.
But that is impossible.
I know some men find it difficult to hear that but--
Hold on. How can we tell that it's not--
I've already examined Audrey.
Her tubes are clear. Her hormone levels are perfect.
And she has, in my opinion,
two of the pinkest, plumpest, and most beautiful ovaries I have ever seen.
Thank you.
[giggles]
Are you hitting on my wife?
Is that what he was doing? It seemed like it was.
Sorry about him.
Okay, so what exactly is wrong with my sperm?
This is a slide of a normal sample.
And this is your sample.
They look drunk.
They do, don't they?
Where are they going?
O-okay, so just for argument sake,
let's just say you're right. How did they get that way?
One possible cause is testicular trauma.
Have you ever experienced anything like that?
[groans]
No, no. Not that I can recall.
Oh, well then, I'm going to order you a scrotal exploration.
A scrotal what now? What is that? What?
Sometimes a tear will form in the tunica albuginea
resulting in extrusion of the testicular contents.
We simply insert a small camera into the penis, through the urethra--
This sounds amazing. How about this, and I'm just spilballing here,
why don't we take my ball sack and scrape it up
against a cheese grater? Or maybe go out to your car
and slam my dick in the trunk.
Do you feel like that might help or?
I'm sorry.
I can assure you, Mr. Macklin, this is a mostly painless procedure.
Yeah, I'm kinda getting caught up on the word "mostly."
It's just-- it's a /at to take in.
Okay, okay. So, let's say
nothing comes in this scrotal exp/oration.
Then my suggestion would be that you find a donor.
But we're not there, yet, so.
I think you're right. We're not there, yet.
We're not even close to being there, yet.
I think you've freaked out my wife, sir.
And we're gonna be-- we're gonna be leaving now.
Are you okay, honey?
Too far. Okay.
Oh, sorry.
What's up with Audrey and Tommy? Why aren't they ta/king to each other?
It's this whole baby thing. I think it's time one of us stepped up.
I think one of us should offer our sperm to our buddy.
That's the right thing to do.
All right. As his best friend, I will toss it in there.
[laughs] No, seriously, no offense.
Hey, hey, this isn't genetic, okay?
It's called laziness. My sperm is thin, fit.
Whatever. We don't know whose sperm he's gonna choose.
What?
What, 'cause I'm black?
Ah, 'cause we wouldn't want Tommy to have a biracial baby, right?
The kid might grow up to be the president. Or Halle Berry.
Okay, fine. We settle it this way, okay?
We all jack off into a cup, right?
And we swirl it around, and then may the best man win.
May the best man win what?
Uh, just-- The World Series?
Happy birthday, man
Awesome party, Tom.
What if I get drunk and take all my clothes off?
It might be so-mething nice.
That is good, right? All right.
Bye.
Hey, can I get you a drink? You have a drink.
Do you need anything? Food or?
Hey. guys. Happy birthday, Tommy.
(Audrey) Hey, Julie.
Happy birthday, dude.
Thanks.
Todd and I have been ta/king and we heard about your prob/em.
And we would like to offer our services.
For what?
What we'd like to do is offer you our sperm.
What?
Tommy, we've been blessed with three smart, beautiful, healthy children.
Honestly, when Todd first brought it up, I was unsure, too.
When Audrey said no to Todd's proposal all those years ago,
Seems like yesterday.
She gave me a gift.
And this is my chance to repay her.
So, what do you say?
What do I say?
Um--
Honey, let me.
Dude, I am sorry. Huge misunderstanding
We did not mean to offend.
We were just trying to be nice.
I just thought if you're gonna have a donor,
might as well be someone you know. That's all.
Right? That's it! There's no reason to be rude.
I'm not asking to stick it in Audrey directly.
I mean, unless you're into that. Some guys are.
I don't know. I bet Julie would be fine with it if you are.
Or not. Whatever. Just let me know.
People loving people, right, man?
I love you.
Hi, there.
I'm ready for that drink now.
Okay.
You'd be there to monitor the whole thing.
You know, honey, I clipped an article in recipes and things
about how overpopulation is contributing to a general decline in male sperm count.
Thanks, Mom.
You know what I was thinking, sweetie? Tommy's an only child.
Yeah, that might be the prob/em right there.
His whole family might have bad sperm.
But he's lucky he made it.
[laughs]
Hi!
How are you?
Good.
Thanks for getting it.
Oh, yeah, pork fried rice there.
Wait a second. I was--Oh, okay, I know what I was gonna say.
Okay, you know our little problem,
our very personal and private problem?
Well, it has nothing to do with me.
I don't need to put hemorrhoid cream on my ball sack, Wanda.
I don't need to eat hot peppers.
And I don't need to have a camera shoved up my hole, darling.
My sperm is perfectly fine.
Why? Because I say that it is. End of discussion.
Let's eat.
Food.
Who can deny science like that?
Okay, you want science? I'll give you some science.
You know that softball team I played on? There was no softball team- Softball.
I drove to a sperm bank, and I donated sperm.
I did. Twenty times.
And each time, they paid me cold hard cash.
They wouldn't very well pay me good money for bad sperm, would they?
See how that works?
Now let's eat. God!
You did what?
What?
Tommy, what did you just say?
I fell in love with a gorgeous woman
who deserved an amazingly expensive engagement ring
that I couldn't afford- And at 85 bucks a pop, honey, it just seemed like--
Tommy, you have children.
Twenty children out there.
(Olark) At least.
Thanks, Dad.
You don't understand. I gave 20 samples. That doesn't necessarily--
It doesn't necessarily mean that--
No, I am sure that most of that sperm
is sitting right there in that bank right now.
Tommy, you have children.
Oh, Tommy.
Come on, Clark, you understand what I was trying to do, don't you?
You get it, right?
I understand completely, Tommy.
I understand that you bought my daughter's engagement ring
with beat off money.
Got her a cum diamond.
(man) Pasadena Androlog y and Cryobank. May I help you?
Hey, how're you doing? I'm here 'cause I need some sperm.
Okay. I could set you up with one of our sales reps and they--
You know what? That's not gonna be necessary.
I actually just need some of my own sperm.
Your own sperm? I think we can cutout the middle man here.
No, no. I'm a donor. I donated some sperm about five years ago,
and I was hoping to get that back. I hope there's some left.
What's your name, buddy?
Thomas Macklin.
What do you know? We have one batch left.
Yeah! That is great.
You know what? You guys paid me $85 per batch,
and I feel that it's only right for me to--
Oops, I'm sorry.
It looks like we already sold it.
[stammers]
My bad.
To-to who?
To whom?
Seriously?
I don't know if that's right.
You're right. It's "to whom."
It's whom? Ah, okay.
Anyway, we sold it to this couple three weeks ago.
We're performing the insemination on dee-dee-dee-dee,
Monday.
Whatever it is they're paying you, I'll give you double now.
This isn't eBay, sir. We don't gel into bidding wars over sperm.
Okay. You know what?
I don't wanna have to do this 'cause I'm not a dick,
but it just so happens that I'm a good personal friend of Kevin Baldrey, the manager.
Ooh. You hear that, Lyle?
Is that right?
He's a personal friend of Kevin Baldrey.
I'd like to speak to him right now.
You and Kev aren't so close, otherwise you'd know he doesn't work here.
He got fired for putting hidden cameras in the masturbatories.
What? He--
He hid them in the smoke detectors so he could videotape guys jerking off,
and he put them on the Internet.
Are you saying that, uh--
There's only one way to find out.
Looks like that website's back up now that Kevy fled to Amsterdam.
Oh, really? Check that out.
Yep. There you are.
Macklin.
So much for the theory that left handers are more intelligent.
Sir, back away from the desk.
Can I see?
Do you always make that face when you climax?
You look like a baby burp.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
[shouts]
Get him out of here. Jeez.
[groans]
Say hi to Kev for me.
J' Happiness starts With a smile J'
I It's contagious J'
I Catch it now JV'
How are you doing? I'm looking for a Mrs. Leslie Jenkins.
I'm Leslie Jenkins.
I'm sorry. I thought that--
It's alright. It's a Southern name.
Do I know you?
No, you don't.
I'm Tommy Macklin. I'm your sperm donor.
Oh. Oh!
Can I sit down with you and your wife for a minute?
Honey, come here! You're gonna love this!
Jeffrey, this is Tommy Macklin.
How're you doing?
Tommy Macklin? Oh. Oh!
Do you have a light beer?
Then we found out my sperm was no good.
It caused a lot of stress in our relationship
because obviously we wanna have a baby naturally.
We don't know anything about naturally.
Not an option.
Yeah. But I don't understand.
Between the two of you guys,
you've got twice as much sperm as most couples.
Twice as much? More like ten times as much with the human fire hose here.
I've learned to take my contacts out, if you know what I mean.
It's like stepping on a full tube of toothpaste with you.
That's wild. So, why don't you just use some of Jeffrey's sperm?
[laughing] No, no, no. No.
My family has more alcoholics than Celebrity Rehab.
Plus he's OCD and ADD.
Mildly. Anyway, we wouldn't pass my DNA on to my worst enemy's baby,
much less our own.
Okay. So then what about yours, Leslie?
That was plan A. But as it turns out, my sperm is--what's the word they used?
Confused.
My sperm is confused, too.
I cannot believe that.
We saw the pictures. It was crazy.
You know what? I am confident we can work something out.
I'm happy to reimburse you for any expenses,
and for the cost of finding a new donor.
Well, that's very sweet, Tommy, but to be honest
we're quite happy with the donor we chose.
See, Leslie has a hang up about having a baby that looks like him. Shallow.
Guilty as charged.
When we found out he couldn't produce,
we started looking for a donor with similar features.
And in the end we, well, we landed on you.
What about $2,000? That seems fair.
I just really need that sperm back.
[exhales] Tommy, I'm really sorry,
but to find the right donor, I don't think we could go through that process again.
We've never had more arguments.
I thought we were gonna break up.
We almost did. But we didn't, did we?
No. Tommy, if there 's one thing /know, it's this.
Love will find a way.
It worked for us and it will work for you.
In fact, Leslie, why don't you show Tommy some of the runners up?
There's some guys in there that look a little like you.
You could tell your wife you got your sperm back.
Maybe slip a little something to the doctor. She'd never know, so.
Anyway, I've gotta get jogging before nightfall.
Pleasure meeting you.
Best of luck.
I'll get the folder for you.
I can get you your sperm back.
Uh, but I thought we just said that--
Come inside.
Goddammit, Tommy- I feel horrible about this- I really do-
Jeffrey said---
Forget Jeffrey. I wear the pants in this relationship.
And I would like to see you have your family.
Really?
Yes. I'm sure we can reach some kind of mutual agreement.
It's simple, isn't it? You want your sperm back, and I want you.
Jeffrey always says I'm a narcissist.
That's probably why I'm so attracted to you.
It'd be like having sex with myself.
Having sex?
I want to be inside you, Tommy.
What?
I want to enter you.
Are you-are you not getting this?
.5
Have you ever had anal sex, Tommy?
I can't say that I have.
It's like getting your prostate checked. Have you done that?
You should. Detection equals prevention.
Okay, okay.
Come on, Tom. We're guys here.
Let's do this. Don't be so homophobic.
I'm not homophobic.
You're afraid to have sex with another man.
It doesn't get more homophobic than that.
I don't think you're using that word right.
All right. I'll tell you what I'll do.
You enter me.
What the hell? I'm feeling generous.
It's my final offer, Tom. What do you say?
[lawn mower engine running]
I say fuck him. It's just a hole. Stick it in.
Can we be serious, please?
Or let him fuck you. Who gives a shit? Fuck or be fucked.
Close your eyes, stick it in, and think of baseball.
That'll make it last longer.
What do you got to lose?
I can think of a few things, Wade!
Shit, I would do it. But everybody knows
that gay guys don't like fat people.
They're "fatophobic." "Plumpophobic."
"Plumpophobia" or whatever. Have you ever seen a gay fat guy before?
No, they don't exist. They're like unicorns.
Have you ever seen a fat unicorn before?
Me either.
Help me!
When they said you couldn't have your sperm back,
they robbed you of your future. Right?
And you have every right to steal it back.
Are you talking about robbing a sperm bank?
"A" double right, you bet I am.
No, that's crazy.
Crazy? Or brilliant?
Crazy.
Brilliantly crazy.
No, just crazy.
And brilliant. Don't think about yourself.
Think about your unborn child.
If you don't do something soon,
the last good seed you have on Earth
is gonna be implanted deep inside some surrogate.
And good luck getting it back then. Fuck or be fucked, Tommy.
Fuck or be fucked, Tommy.
No, wait a second. How are we gonna rob a sperm bank?
I've been thinking about this.
I know just the guy who can help us.
Walk with me.
How do you know this guy again?
How do we know this guy?
Shut up, Zig Zag. Keep your mouth shut.
This whole thing was my idea in the first place.
What? Your idea?
You think you can come up with a crazily brilliant idea like this?
Okay. The guys in the meat department introduce me to him.
Apparently he's the real deal.
Former bag man for the Indian mafia.
What does that mean?
That's racist. They like to be called Native-Americans.
No, he's Indian. Dot head Indian, not feather Indian.
That's even more racist.
You're a racist.
Bag man means you fuck with him, you end up with a bag on your hip.
- Bag on your hip? What the fuck does that mean ? - You shit in a bag.
And then they tell me that they can't even sell me back my own sperm.
And then they kick me out.
Yeah, and they pepper sprayed me in the face.
Pushed me into the bushes. I have prickers everywhere.
I mean, if I don't get my sperm back, man,
my marriage is over.
You know, these bastards are assholes,
and they're stealing my future,
and they're taking away my constitutional right to do whatever I want
with my own sperm.
You know?
Do you see what I'm saying?
Yes, I do.
You're saying you bought your wife's engagement ring
with beat off money.
[laughs]
Classic, right? [laughs]
I like you.
You're a married man.
I always want to be married man.
But I never found love.
What can you do?
I will help you.
Hey, all right.
Thank you, Ron Jon. See?
Wow, thanks, man.
Cost is 5000.
5000? I really had no idea.
Could you excuse us. Give us a sec.
What are you doing? You're blowing the deal.
$5000 to rob a sperm bank?
How much do you think it costs?
- I don't know. - Exactly.
Are you gonna put a price tag on your family?
Shit.
You must have a rich uncle around somewhere.
I've got $11,000 saved up in the house fund.
I could possibly borrow five and pay it back before Audrey found out.
Now you're talking sense.
This is it.
Now be cool.
So, we were just chatting.
And we feel like, yeah, sure, yeah, good.
What about $3000?
Mr. Macklin, make no mistake.
We are committing a felony here.
There is grave risk involved. Do you understand me?
Yeah, 5000 then. 5000 seems good.
Very nice!
Very, very, very nice!
- Thank you for your time. - Looks like we have a deal.
Dude, were you seriously in the Indian mafia?
What the fuck, man?
I never said anything.
You have to know every fucking thing.
Okay, fine.
Okay, Mr. Nosy.
If you must know, back in Mumbai,
I was the best second story man in the business.
What business?
The stealing shit business, okay?
- Okay. - What is your name?
Zig Zag.
What is so funny, Zig Zag?
I was just kinda laughing
at what the whole “Indian” organized crime thing was all about.
What? You don't think Indian crime can be organized?
Indians are very organized.
No, I'm sure. I just had this, like, idea in my head
about all these Indian mob dudes, sitting around,
like being all non-violent with each other.
'Cause you think about, like, Gandhi, right?
I mean, he was, like...
Should I show you how nonviolent I can be?
No!
You think Indians can only drive a cab and fix your computer?
Well, let me tell you something.
I did drive a cab! And I can fix your computer,
but I can also cut your throat!
Shall I show you, Mr. Zig Zag?
No, I feel like I got it.
Yeah, I feel like I understand.
Yeah, I was just pretty baked.
Cool off, man, okay? Cool off.
Everybody cool off.
[Wade] Hey, it's cool.
Let us drink.
[silent mouthing of words]
Let us drink to a successful mission.
What is this?
Just drink it, god damn it. Everybody, "What is it?
"What is it? What is it?"
Okay, come on!
To success!
[gagging, Spitting]
I will get you your sperm back, Mr. Macklin.
That much, I guarantee.
[Mona] So you just must be totally pissed-
Yeah, I was furious at first.
I mean, he's got kids out there.
But then I thought, why not just go down there
and see if they have any of his good sperm left for us to use.
And?
It was five years ago.
They told him they'd look, but it didn't look good.
Billy, /70!
If you keep drowning James, I swear to God,
I gonna come over there and drown you right back!
It's not James.
Well, who can tell, you little sewer rat?
All right, that's it.
Get over here!
Oh, Allison, she's so adorable.
What's her name?
Well, we wanted to name her something Chinese,
but also, you know, American, so we went with Jackie Chan.
Jackie Chan Finnerman. Nice.
Wait...
Stop it! C'mon, stop it!
God, she's so quiet.
Yeah, she's really quiet. She never cries.
Yeah, I've heard that about those babies.
Why does everybody know so much about Asian babies?
Did I miss a class or something?
They're just like American babies.
Only better.
I heard they're also really musical.
You should totally get her a piano, like, right now.
Well, I already got her a violin.
She doesn't even have fingers yet.
So, just out of curiosity,
how much did it cost to adopt her?
About $10,000 when you add it all up.
Did you want to hold her?
Oh, I'd love to.
Hi, Jackie Chan.
Hi.
Oh, princess. Yeah. Hi.
There he is, our five-star general.
Okay.
I have done a complete stakeout of the target.
Nothing to it.
Piece of cake.
- Oh, that's great. - Awesome.
Each person will have a special job.
You. Because you are small like a woman, you will be wheel man.
Drive only. No talk.
A woman.
No talk.
You.
If shit go down, and all fuck break loose...
you are trigger man.
I'm not gonna shoot this gun, so...
Let me tell you something.
I have two strikes against me.
One more and I go to prison for life.
If we are caught, you must shoot me. Do you understand?
I'm not gonna shoot you, Mr. Jon.
Christ, I'll shoot him.
Sorry.
So here is the plan.
This is the sperm bank.
This is barber shop right next door.
Wait a minute. Just, sorry,
but wouldn't it make more sense
if we made the comb the barber shop
and the cream the sperm bank? I'm just saying.
Yeah, I'm with Tom on this one.
Okay, fine, fine.
This is barber shop, and this is sperm bank.
And this is the liquor store across the street.
What?
Wouldn't it be better if Zig Zag's beer was the liqour store...
and this ketchup bottle was something else?
Liquor store, barber shop, sperm bank. Any questions?
[belches loudly]
- Yeah. - Yeah, that's good, yeah.
Okay, you and wheel man will arrive early, dressed as plumber.
You're gonna have your name on the plumbing truck?
Good point.
You two will enter barber shop and go
to the employee rest room.
You will open sky light.
Then you will plant special tools I need for job.
Soon it will be dark and time for me to take over.
From the roof of the liquor store,
I will slide on power lines like Ninja,
I will drop in through the sky light,
take the jack hammer
and blast my way into the sperm bank.
Meanwhile, res! of team will be outside,
providing noise cover for jack hammer.
[loud rock music]
I don't play guitar.
That's true.
But you do play the accordion, right?
When I was nine. [whispers] Shut up, Wade.
Once inside sperm bank,
I will use special lock picking kit to open the vault.
With special lock picking kit, I can open any lock, anytime.
And, just like that.
you are a daddy.
Did I tell you this guy was the best?
Sorry, I just have one question
If you can open any lock, anytime,
then why not skip the Ninja routine, the jack hammer
and the 80s hair band,
and just pick the lock on the door to the sperm bank?
Yeah, if you just use the lock picking kit,
you can pick the lock on the door to the sperm bank.
I like this guy.
He is a good one to have on the team.
Great new plan. I like it.
Okay. I would call this plan
Operation Desert Sperm.
Hey, wow.
- Guess what? - Just really quick, I wanna say something.
I know I have screwed some things up lately.
But don't worry, because...
I am on the case.
Guess what?
You're pregnant?
[gasps]
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, Tommy, Tommy.
I want to adopt.
Adopt?
I went by the adoption agency and got some information.
It's the perfect solution for us.
Yeah, but the sperm bank might still have...
Tommy, you said they didn't think they had any.
They said they're checking the warehouse.
I held Allison's baby today.
And I just looked into those big, beautiful eyes.
Oh, my gosh, Tommy. I just fell in love.
Look it doesn't matter how we get a baby.
Let's just start a family.
Allison's baby is Chinese, right?
Oh, she's so delicious.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
I'm half Chinese!
Thank you. I know that, I just...
But out of curiosity, do they have any American kids there?
Or even, like half Chinese half American kids?
Babe, American babies are ridiculously expensive and impossible to get.
There used to be tons of Russian babies,
but one of them went a little crazy, so that was that.
India won't let their babies out. We could go Ethiopian?
What do they have, like a menu?
So I did some quick research.
Of course you did.
And the Chinese babies are the easiest ones to get.
Do you have some kind of Chinese issue I should know about?
You love Chinese food!
Yeah, but I'm not gonna eat the baby.
You better not.
You know what? Let me just take a piss, really quick.
Hold on, two seconds.
[Tommy sighs heavily]
I guess the Great Wall is pretty sweet.
Oh, thank you!
I mean, you're sure about this?
I've never been more sure about anything in my entire life.
Okay, then.
You look disappointed.
I'm not disappointed.
This is not exactly how I imagined it would work out,
but maybe you're right.
Let's explore it, How does it even work?
Well, when you add it all up, it's about $10,000.
But I figure we can just borrow it from the house fund, right?
Yes, yes we can.
I love you, Tommy.
I love you, honey.
It's off.
- What's off? - The robbery, it's off.
Shut the fuck up.
No, seriously man.
We've gotta cancel it.
But I already bought the ski masks.
It's too risky. I can't get caught.
What about the baby?
Audrey decided we're gonna adopt a Chinese baby.
Audrey decided you're getting a Chinese baby.
When did you decide to give up on America?
She decided.
We decided.
She just decided first and then I decided later.
I'm tired of these Chinese. They're making everything.
Shirts, the watch and the pants.
Now they're gonna make our babies?
I'm sick of this outsourcing shit.
Wait a second.
We were gonna outsource our robbery to this Indian.
Besides, this way we're helping orphans and shit.
Giving them a second chance.
Oh, we already gave them a second chance.
Remember Pearl Harbor?
Never forget, man.
Fine, get your Chinese baby. I'm over it.
You know what? I hear they're pretty damn smart.
Yeah, and fucking expensive.
We gotta get my $5000 back from your Mr. Ron Jon.
Okay, well I don't think Mr. Ron Jon's an Indian giver.
No shit. I am the Indian giver.
How could you be the Indian giver?
I'm not having this conversation.
Okay, listen. Stick to the plan.
Play to his sympathies.
Make him feel guilty, all right?
[knocks]
What the hell? You're a day early.
Hey, we need to talk.
Okay, come in.
Getting in shape for the big job.
[loud Indian pop music]
Listen, Mr. Jon, I have some bad news.
I have to cancel the job.
Okay, fine. Job is canceled.
Just like that?
Just like that.
C'mon. We can drink to canceled job. Come.
Okay, let's do this.
The good stuff, too, I see
Hey, yes. Nothing but the best for my friends. C'mon now.
To canceled job.
[laughs] Indians love Scotch.
And cocaine!
[laughs and coughs] She don't lie.
Well, heck if I do.
That's a great TV!
Oh, you like ii, huh?
Voice activated. Check it out.
Shut the fuck up!
[music stops, Ron Jon laughs]
I gotta get me on of those.
Hey, those weights look pretty new, too.
Listen, how much of that $5000 have you spent?
5000?
Yeah, I gave you $5000.
I guess I spent $5000.
You what?
No, no! Man...
The reason I had to cancel the job is because...
I have an emergency, and I need that money back.
Well, what is the emergency?
Well... it's my mother.
She's ill,
-and if she doesn't get a new... - Kidney...
...transplant, then she'll die.
That is very, very sad.
My own mother, she died of liver failure.
I cannot promise anything, but I will see what I can do.
[kiss]
All right.
Yes, Mom, we're really excited.
Of course she'll speak English. We'll teach her.
No, we haven't come up with names yet. Hold on.
Mom, I gotta go.
Audrey, I'm home.
I was just down at the bank, just now,
and it's weird, because they...
said apparently there's a mistake that was made,
but not to worry, because they could clear it up in a couple days.
What... is going on?
Audrey, baby...
What happened? What's going on right now?
Would you stop for a second?
We're gonna have enough money for the Chinese baby.
[gasps]
You can take your Chinese baby and shove it up your ass.
They're not mine.
Okay, tell me. Then whose are they?
- They're Wade's. - Okay.
Aud. Audrey...
[heels walking away]
Hey, wait! Audrey, seriously, stop.
Hey, Audrey, You've gotta be kidding me. Please, stop.
Stop, please!
- Hold on. - Do you love her, Tommy?
Of course not. I love you.
Then why were you jerking off to naked picture of her?
I was jerking off to naked pictures of cantaloupes.
I saw her cantaloupes, Tommy.
And I'm sorry that my cantaloupes aren't good enough for you.
If only you found me attractive,
you could have jerked off to naked pictures of me.
Audrey, seriously, they are Wade's pictures.
Then how the hell did they end up in our bathroom?
Well...
You know what?
Blame your friends. Who cares?
You're not man enough to knock me up, anyway.
I can't believe you broke up with Tanya.
I got tired of her.
A man cannot live by nipples alone.
Hey, Wade, you asshole!
I told you to get the pictures out of my... [groans]
She found the pictures.
Oh...
You know, she's right.
I got one job to do as a man,
and I can't even do that.
It's just a little crisis of confidence.
It happens to everyone.
Maybe we should buy him a hooker.
What's he gonna do with a hooker?
Oh, that's right. He can't get it up.
Zig Zag, I can get it up, dude.
He can get it up. He just can't come.
I can come!
Yeah, sure. He can come. But nothing comes out. Just puffs of air.
[all laugh]
Would you guys shut up?
If I lose Audrey, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
C'mon, don't talk like that.
She loves you and you love her.
And she knows that you'll do anything for her.
But I haven't done everything, have I?
There's only one thing left I could do to make this right.
And I'm gonna do it.
You're gonna have sex with that gay guy?
What?
No, I'm gonna go back to Pasadena,
and rob that bank.
Yeah, you are!
Whoa, rob a bank?
Here's the deal.
On Monday, the last batch of sperm
that I have left in the world will be gone forever.
But tomorrow night, before that happens,
we're gonna go in there, and steal that shit back.
We're pulling a bank job,
a sperm bank job.
What do you guys say? Who's with me?
I'm with you, Tomahawk!
- Zig Zag. - Aces high!
Darrell? We could use some muscle on this job.
Right, well, I'm just gonna run home real quick
and just grab a few things, a few things...
for this mission.
Little criminal stuff for the mission.
And then I'll meet you guys at the designated place,
at the designated time.
Okay.
[car starts, squeals out]
Okay, Darrell's out.
He said designated spot, designated time.
Zig Zag, we don't have a designated spot, or a designated time.
Oh.
At least we don't have to cut him in on the take, right?
That's good.
Ron Jon! It's Wayne.
Ron Jon!
How can he hear you over that stupid TV?
Shut the fuck up!
[silence]
- What? - Hi.
So it's back on, and we gotta go tonight.
Come in.
I can't do tonight, but Wednesday might work.
Please, Mr. Jon. I paid you a lot of money to do this job.
Hey, you canceled the job, remember?
Yeah, but you never gave me back my money.
Wait.
What is this? You got my money in here?
Open it.
What the--what is this?
What do you mean what the fuck?
It's a kidney. You say your mother needs a kidney.
How about a little "Thank you, Mr. Ron Jon."
Whose kidney is that? Whose kidney is that?
Mr. Jon...
I don't know how to tell you this,
but my mother's perfectly healthy.
I made that shit up to get my money back.
I see.
I feel very sorry. I feel very strange about this.
Whose is this?
What man is out there with less body?
Listen to me, Mr. Jon, okay?
Please.
I'm desperate, okay?
Please help me.
I can't lose my wife.
You should have thought of that before you lied to me.
What if I paid you a shitload more money?
5000 dollars.
Goddammit, look.
I got $4000 right there, in cash,
in this envelope right here.
Okay, okay. All right, okay.
I have got $40. $40.
Zig Zag.
[Zig Zag mutters] What do we have here?
One, two, three...
[normal voice] I have $8.
We've got $4048, okay?
So what do you say? C'mon.
I'm not sure if I can trust my team..
Okay, you know what? Let's sweeten the deal a little bit.
Okay? What do you say to that?
You know my weakness.
Let's do it!
[sighs heavily]
Let's do it.
She's your ex-girlfriend?
Yep.
[Ron Jon] And your ex-girlfriend...
And what about you, Ziplock?
I practice abstinence.
Good. I would not like a woman you're attached.
When do I get her?
You get her. What?
Do you think she would like me? Does she like beards?
Oh, shit. Did you think that--
Tomorrow, noon. We will drop her off.
Noon is good for me.
Noon can work.
[door knob turning, door opening]
Tommy?
Tommy, I'm home!
[voice-mail] Firs! message.
[Tommy] Hey, honey. I just wanna tell you that I've got it all figured out.
I am gonna get my sperm back
and we are gonna have our family, okay?
I gotta go, but I will see you tonight.
[Wade] Wait for me! Let's go steal that jizz!
Wade, shut up!
Oh, my God.
[crickets chirping]
Where the fuck is Ron Jon, man?
[Wade] Will you stop asking that?
Something's not right.
Jesus, Zig Zag. Stop smoking pot.
It's making you paranoid you douche.
Dude, it's for my glaucoma.
Do you really have glaucoma?
Early stages.
Hey, dude.
- Where have you been? - Seriousy, dude.
I was casing the joint.
Good news...
There is no guard on duty, and there is no alarm.
It's almost as if they don't expect someone to break in
and steal their own sperm back.
[Ron Jon laughs]
I have to tell you,
this is the craziest fucking job I've ever been on.
Although there was one time in India,
when they hired me to steal a monkey back from a barber.
But what they neglected to tell me
was how horny this particular monkey was.
Okay, back to job.
We go in, we steal the semen,
we get out. Ten minutes, synchronized.
Okay, let's-- let's do this.
If the cops come,
honk three times, like this.
[horn honking]
What the fuck, dude?
Why did you do that?
That is signal to abort mission.
Ow, fuck, man!
If you leave without us, I will find you.,
and I will kill you.
Let's roll.
[Tommy] I don't know, Wade.
I got a bad feeling about this guy.
Well, that's just because he's a criminal.
That's how you're supposed to feel.
[Ron Jon] Shit.
Shit!
What's wrong?
I can't remember the exact combination.
To the lock picking kit?
Yes, to the lock picking kit, okay?
Did you write it down somewhere?
If I wrote it down, I'd have the fucking thing open.
Maybe it's your birthday.
It's not my birthday.
- Phone number. - Don't make fun of me.
- Street address? - What the fuck does that mean?
Oh, oh! Mother's birthday.
Could be.
[Ron Jon yells]
Don't worry,. I have an idea.
[glass breaking]
- Bad man for the India mafia? - That's what I was told.
[Ron Jon] Okay, where do they keep the sperm?
How the hell should I know?
Oh, shit! I just remembered the combination!
Awesome. Great.
We gotta split up so we can cover more ground.
Hello, lady.
Bingo.
[Zig Zag moaning]
Bingo.
[whispers] Okay. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Jackpot.
Macklin, Macklin...
Yeah, yeah.
Whoa, whoa!
[Crash]
[screams]
Bingo.
[laughs]
[screams]
What is this?
[groans]
Okay, okay.
Wade! Ron Jon! I got my sperm.
What are you doing?
I am very lonely. Never married.
We gotta get out of here.
No, no, no, no.
Where is it?
What?
Don't move. Okay?
No! No!
Don't move!
[screams]
Oh, shit. Fuck. Cops.
[horn honking]
Ron Jon, that's the signal.
Let's go!
[gags] Okay.
Shit! [Squealing tires]
[screams]
Wade, are you okay?
Once I'm soapy.
- I need some mouthwash. - I got my sperm.
Awesome.
Where the hell is Zig Zog?
Son of a bitch!
Don't worry. I will kill that motherfucker.
Cops, cops, cops! Go,go!
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
We gotta get the hell out of here.
Yeah, we gotta go steal a car.
Wait, wait, wait.
You cannot take the risk.
You have to make a baby.
That is your job.
I will go get us a car.
That's grand theft auto.
Grand theft auto. That is how I started.
Life of crime. Very nice.
Can I have the addresses of all the sperm banks in Pasadena, please?
No, this isn't a crank call.
Ew, get your mind out of the gutter.
You're gonna have to turn up here.
- Which way? - That way.
Really? What is that?
Which way?
That way!
Wade, where is he?
My sperm's gonna fall out.
Shh!
What is that?
What the hell?
- Oh, my God. - Come on! Let's go!
Get in!
[rap music on radio]
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
[squealing tires]
What the fuck?
Please don't hurt us!
Ron Jon, what are these people doing here?
This was the only car with the key in it.
Well, pull it over! Pull it over right now.
I can 'l pull over. They've already seen us.
- Please don't kill us! - We haven't seen anything.
Nobody's killing anybody,okay?
Technically, we really should kill them.
No! No!
Ron Jon!
Okay, fine. I pull over. Give me a minute.
- Dude, your sperm's melting. - Oh, shit.
Ron Jon!
Man, I need some ice back here.
This sperm is starting to heat up.
Ron Jon, pull over. Ron Jon, get me some ice.
Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?
Okay, one second.
Here you go!
[woman screams]
It's okay.
Chill out, sperm!
[Siren]
Oh, shit!
We are having company!
Oh, fuck!
Hold on people! I'm going to lose him!
[squealing tires, screams]
- You smell really great. - Thank you.
False alarm!
Everything's cool.
- Just an ambulance. - An ambulance?
Are you crazy?
Hey, man. You should be happy.
We're home free. We made it.
Congratulations. You're going to be a daddy!
I am , aren't I?
Thank you, Ron Jon.
We did it, Macklin!
[Ron Jon indistinct]
Let us have some liquid celebrate!
[pulls cork off with teeth]
[screams]
Ron Jon!
[everyone screaming]
I think I just had a miscarriage.
Ow, fuck. What the fuck, man?
Are you okay?
[bottle clinks on pavement]
Hey, I was just coming to get you, man.
Are you okay?
- I will kill you! - Oh, fuckin' hey, dude.
Fuckin' hey, man!
I was coming back.
[sirens]
Freeze!
Get on the ground. Get on the ground!
You're under arrest for grand theft auto.
You, too, asshole! Get down!
Tommy, fuck or be fucked, bro.
Drop the bucket and get down.
Fuck or be fucked!
Yeah!
You'll never catch him!
Fuck!
Slow down!
[sirens]
I need backup. He's still running.
Oh, it's close. It's close. It's right around here.
What the fuck?
Oh, Jesus.
I don't even know those guys. C'mon!
- Wade? - Hey Audrey, what's up?
Where's Tommy?
Ma'am, please keep moving.
He's got the sperm. He's got the sperm.
He went that way!
All right, buddy. Come on out.
I see you.
Come on out. No place to go.
- Uh, no. - Yeah.
- No. - Yeah.
- No! - You're coming out now.
Don't I get some, uh...
I got some demands.
Yeah, I got a list of demands.
Okay.
What do you want?
I need a bucket of ice.
That's it. A bucket of ice.
How about a bucket of chicken instead?
Hey, man. I need that ice now.
Do you mind my asking what you need the ice for?
Be--because I have to keep my sperm cold.
What was that?
Because I have to keep my sperm cold!
[laughs cynically] You're sperm is too hot, is it?
There was a break in at the sperm bank down the street.
God, this country just keeps getting weirder and weirder.
- Call psychiatric. - All right.
Son? Is that stolen sperm you've got there?
No, it's my sperm! All right?
If it's sperm he's looking for,
there's gonna be plenty where he's headed. Am I right?
[cops laugh]
Hey, Captain. This is his wife.
Can I talk to him? I can get him to come out.
Yeah, well you got two minutes.
Then we're gonna take him the hard way.
Get the battering ram.
Bring it in.
Tommy!
- Hi. - Hi.
I got my sperm.
I know.
It's been a weird couple days, hasn't it?
This is the coolest thing a guy has ever done for a girl.
Look, I'm sorry I got mad at you about the pictures of Tanya.
I know you never would have jerked off to them.
No, I'm sorry I bought your ring with beat off money.
And I jerked off to that stupid picture of those cantaloupes.
No, I saw the cantaloupes. They were kinda hot.
Audrey, I'm sorry my sperm stopped working.
Don't worry about it.
So what do we do with this stuff? Just shove it on up there?
- Yeah, I think so. - Okay.
They're gonna want to take this away. You know that, right?
I know.
And then they're gonna put me in in jail.
[police captain] Bring it over here!
Okay, take the door!
- Ready? - Ready.
On three, two, one.
Hand over the jizz and get on the ground.
C'mon man. I really need this stuff.
Get down now!
Tommy.
[high-pitched sound]
Look at my dick! Look at my penis!
What the...
Operation Desert Sperm!
Where's the sperm?
I don't know.
- Did you get it? - No, I missed it!
- What? - Let's go!
Hands behind your back.
I'll meet you back at the station, okay?
Okay.
- Hey. - What?
You're always with me.
All right. Let's go!
- Breathe! - Okay.
You're doing great!
- Okay, we're almost there. - You're doing great!
One big push.
We're almost there.
[baby crying]
- You got the clamp? - Yes.
He's beautiful.
- My little baby. - Very nice. Very beautiful. Very beautiful.
Hello, little fellow.
Hello.
Yeah?
What?
Okay, yeah, yeah. No, no, I'll tell the guys.
Okay. Be good. Talk to you soon.
Everybody? Got some news.
Ron Jon's a daddy!
[advanced piano music]
Hey, Mama? What's going on in here?
That is to the end of breastfeeding.
- Hi. - Hi.
You're pretty.
And how's my little mookie? How are you doing?
He's beautiful and wonderful and farty.
Just like his Daddy!
Daddy's a little farty. Daddy gets that way, too.
And there's my two other little munchkins.
How are you kids doing over there ?
Don'! we make beautiful babies together?
I need butt cream.
Okay, Mama's gonna go get some butt cream.
Hey, dude. Grab the triplets. It's time.
He's gonna go for you.
- He's ready. - My little guy.
Hey, little man!
There's my big guy!
Hi!
All right, here we go.
I got $12 on Emmett!
Okay, put him down.
Sammy's my boy. He's about to clean some clocks.
That's him in the yellow, right?
No, that's Annie in the yellow. Is that Audrey's breastmilk?
Nothing but the best for these horses.
All right, now. It's the 15-yard dash.
The first baby that gets to the bottle wins.
You in on this action?
Absolutely.
C'mon. These babies are hot.
Let's go, let's go!
What's going on here?
Uh, we're racing the babies.
Huh.
- I got fifty on... - Annie?
Yeah.
Okay, let's make some money.
On your mark, get set, go babies, go!
[cheering]
J' I came to L.A. to make rock 'n' roll J'
J' Along the way, I had to sell my soul J'
J' I made some good friends that make me say J”
J' I really wannabe in LA J'
J' I took the ten to get to Beverly J'
J' Laid some rock to tape roll at 11AD J'
J' Alain and Natasha always make me say J'
J' I really wannabe in L.A. J'
J' I take the city in the dead of night J'
J' I'm burning gas until I feel all right J'
J' My Sunset honeys always make me say J'
J' I really wannabe in LA J'
J' I came to L.A. to make rock 'n roll J'
J' Along the way, I had to sell my soul J'
J' I made some good friends that make me say J”
J' I really wannabe in LA J'
J' Well, nothing could improve my situation J'
J' 'Cause cigarettes taste better paired with coffee and frustration J'
J' And I always need a reason to complain J'
J' Ain't it good to feel the pain J'
J' I live this way and get away with if J'
J' I'm my own boss but I don't pay me shit J'
J' And there's angels fighting demons all the time J'
J' Growing in the dark of my mind J'
.PAnd you are the best thing and the worst for me J'
J' I'm blessed and cursed J'
J' Together we will stay with hell on earth to pay J'
J' And until the day I die I'm in heaven by your side J'
J' by your side J'
J' Well nothing in this world can bring me down J'
J' Short of spending one more nightmare in this godforsaken town J'
J' And you're the only one who sets me free J'
J' The only one who bothers me J'
J' And the wheels are spinning faster every day J'
J' And if I was touching ground I bet that I could get away I
J' From all the moons and stars and space you're giving me J'
J' I could start a new galaxy J'
J' And you will tour the universe with me J'
J' We're blessed and cursed J'
J' Together we will stay We just can't get away J'
J' And until the day I die I'm in heaven by your side J'