0
00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:13,000
<font color="#FF0000">Downloaded from</font>
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1
00:00:48,509 --> 00:00:54,263
A handgun bullet travels at
more than 700 miles per hour.

2
00:00:55,098 --> 00:00:59,351
Hey, woah,
absolutely not. No.

3
00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:04,179
Look, if you don't wanna do
it, you don't have to do it.

4
00:01:04,179 --> 00:01:07,524
- Okay, good, I don't want to do it.
- Fine.

5
00:01:09,693 --> 00:01:11,944
Goddamn!

6
00:01:11,944 --> 00:01:14,696
I'm alive!

7
00:01:14,696 --> 00:01:17,114
That's amazing!

8
00:01:17,114 --> 00:01:21,243
I know, right?
So...

9
00:01:23,203 --> 00:01:26,913
- You ready to go again?
- Absolutely not.

10
00:01:27,497 --> 00:01:28,875
Fine.

11
00:01:28,875 --> 00:01:33,002
Don't just say "fine", and then shoot
me in the chest. 'Cause it's not cool.

12
00:01:33,002 --> 00:01:34,671
Like, at all.

13
00:01:34,671 --> 00:01:36,172
Okay! Jeez.

14
00:01:40,717 --> 00:01:45,262
. : KICK - A S S 2 : .

15
00:01:45,262 --> 00:01:49,265
I always wondered why no one
tried to be a superhero before me.

16
00:01:49,265 --> 00:01:52,767
It turns out somebody had.
Mindy Macready.

17
00:01:52,767 --> 00:01:58,396
After her dad died, his old partner on
the force, Marcus, became her guardian.

18
00:01:59,272 --> 00:02:01,317
- Nice backpack.
-Thanks.

19
00:02:01,317 --> 00:02:03,568
Steal it from a
six-year old?

20
00:02:03,568 --> 00:02:06,029
Marcus dropped her
off everyday.

21
00:02:06,029 --> 00:02:09,740
And as soon as he was gone,
so was she.

22
00:02:10,615 --> 00:02:13,367
No one in school found out 'cause
she hacked into the server

23
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:16,621
and gave herself the
award for perfect attendance.

24
00:02:16,621 --> 00:02:20,623
Hit-Girl and Big Daddy
had been the real deal.

25
00:02:20,623 --> 00:02:25,878
Mindy was gonna keep wearing the mask,
as long as there are criminals to take down.

26
00:02:27,463 --> 00:02:31,506
But no matter how many drug
dealers she's stopped...

27
00:02:31,506 --> 00:02:34,134
She couldn't stop
feeling alone.

28
00:02:35,010 --> 00:02:39,305
Me? I've given up being a superhero
'cause it was way too dangerous.

29
00:02:39,305 --> 00:02:42,182
The only problem?
I was dying of boredom.

30
00:02:42,182 --> 00:02:45,769
Like most high school seniors, I had
no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

31
00:02:45,769 --> 00:02:48,354
Hell, I didn't know what
channel I wanted to watch.

32
00:02:48,354 --> 00:02:51,521
It's just TV, Dave, not peace
in the middle east.

33
00:02:51,521 --> 00:02:53,523
My best friends Todd
and Marty have no clue

34
00:02:53,523 --> 00:02:55,692
I was the first superhero
to go public.

35
00:02:55,692 --> 00:02:57,778
Did you guys watch
Spider-Man last night?

36
00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:01,614
- Is it weird that Aunt May gets me kinda hard?
- Not if you're a granny slammer.

37
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:05,784
They may wear costumes but it isn't Halloween.
They're real life superheroes.

38
00:03:05,784 --> 00:03:09,871
In the two years since the first ordinary
citizens donned capes and masks,

39
00:03:09,871 --> 00:03:12,122
the movement has
started to spread.

40
00:03:12,122 --> 00:03:14,374
I became a superhero
because of Kick-Ass.

41
00:03:14,374 --> 00:03:18,210
Yeah, you just come home from work,
you grab your gear and you go out on patrol.

42
00:03:18,210 --> 00:03:20,504
Help us make
the streets safe.

43
00:03:20,504 --> 00:03:23,589
I inspired all those people
to get off their asses.

44
00:03:23,589 --> 00:03:25,675
And now I was
stuck on mine.

45
00:03:25,675 --> 00:03:30,470
So that night after dinner, I
decided to get my own costume out.

46
00:03:32,055 --> 00:03:35,056
- I'm sorry.
- Woah! Can't you knock?

47
00:03:35,056 --> 00:03:40,018
- Y'know, buddy, it's perfectly normal for you to touch yourself.
- Jesus, Dad, get out!

48
00:03:41,062 --> 00:03:46,357
If I was even thinking about a
Kick-Ass sequel, I had to get serious.

49
00:03:47,233 --> 00:03:48,067
Hey!

50
00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:50,194
Hey, can we chat?

51
00:03:50,194 --> 00:03:51,737
Please, Mindy.

52
00:03:51,737 --> 00:03:55,615
Get in the cab. The
meter's running.

53
00:03:56,824 --> 00:03:59,617
I wanna team up,
like Batman and Robin.

54
00:03:59,952 --> 00:04:04,122
- Nobody wants to be Robin.
- What's wrong with Robin?

55
00:04:04,122 --> 00:04:07,958
- Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin?
- Robin wishes he was me.

56
00:04:07,958 --> 00:04:12,670
What I'm trying to say is, we should be
partners. You and me, like the Dynamic Duo.

57
00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:18,090
- I'm in the NFL, Dave. You play B-League.
- So, train me.

58
00:04:18,090 --> 00:04:23,095
I wanna walk the walk, and you're the
closest thing I know to a real superhero.

59
00:04:23,095 --> 00:04:26,640
Aren't you tired of
being on your own?

60
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:30,267
Don't you wanna know
someone's there for you?

61
00:04:30,267 --> 00:04:33,686
Someone who's
got your back.

62
00:04:38,940 --> 00:04:43,111
- And you'll do anything I say.
- Anything.

63
00:04:43,111 --> 00:04:44,988
Hit me.

64
00:04:44,988 --> 00:04:47,406
You're a fifteen-
year-old girl---

65
00:04:48,031 --> 00:04:49,865
What the hell?

66
00:04:49,865 --> 00:04:53,160
Act like a bitch,
get slapped like a bitch.

67
00:04:58,832 --> 00:04:59,583
Oh, God.

68
00:05:02,208 --> 00:05:05,712
Mindy beat me like morning wood,
every day for three weeks.

69
00:05:05,712 --> 00:05:07,588
Come on, guard up!
Left, right.

70
00:05:07,588 --> 00:05:09,465
Guard up!

71
00:05:13,009 --> 00:05:17,262
Even with my damaged nerve
endings, it hurt like hell.

72
00:05:17,763 --> 00:05:22,183
In a weird way, I kinda liked it.
It gave me a sense of purpose.

73
00:05:22,183 --> 00:05:24,226
- What's happened to your face?
- Nothing.

74
00:05:24,226 --> 00:05:27,688
Like we were driving
towards something.

75
00:05:29,439 --> 00:05:31,190
That's amazing!

76
00:05:31,981 --> 00:05:35,194
All the other people putting on
masks were just playing superhero.

77
00:05:35,194 --> 00:05:37,987
We were training
to really do it.

78
00:05:37,987 --> 00:05:41,364
I couldn't tell my girlfriend
Katie, or Marty and Todd.

79
00:05:41,364 --> 00:05:44,451
But I didn't care. We're
having too much fun.

80
00:05:44,992 --> 00:05:47,328
Left, right, left.

81
00:05:51,998 --> 00:05:55,292
Our own superhero team.

82
00:05:56,501 --> 00:05:59,253
This is gonna
be balls.

83
00:06:02,256 --> 00:06:05,508
What the hell, mom? Did
you delete the news off the DVR?

84
00:06:05,508 --> 00:06:09,595
- Yes, yes, I did, Christopher.
- That was the one with Kick-Ass!

85
00:06:09,595 --> 00:06:13,973
Christopher, you've got to stop
obsessing over this superhero!

86
00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:16,683
He's not a superhero,
Mom. He's a murderer.

87
00:06:16,683 --> 00:06:19,102
He blew up Dad with a bazooka,
for fuck's sake!

88
00:06:19,102 --> 00:06:21,188
Your father died
in a fire.

89
00:06:21,188 --> 00:06:24,024
A fire?
What is your problem?

90
00:06:24,024 --> 00:06:26,275
You! You are
my problem.

91
00:06:26,275 --> 00:06:30,654
I am trying to raise you
to be a, a normal boy.

92
00:06:30,654 --> 00:06:34,573
That's why we moved to Long Island
after your father's accident.

93
00:06:34,573 --> 00:06:38,243
A bazooka is not an accident,
you delusional bitch.

94
00:06:38,243 --> 00:06:43,413
- This conversation, is over.
- Great! Then I'm leaving.

95
00:06:44,706 --> 00:06:46,499
Come on, Javier,
be cool.

96
00:06:46,499 --> 00:06:50,086
Sorry, Chris, but your mom
pays me not to be cool.

97
00:06:53,588 --> 00:06:57,758
I hate you! You home-school
me like I'm a prisoner!

98
00:06:57,758 --> 00:07:00,803
You threw away my
Red Mist costume, God!

99
00:07:00,803 --> 00:07:06,890
I am not the problem, you are!
I-wish-you-were-dead!

100
00:07:12,478 --> 00:07:13,521
Mommy?

101
00:07:20,110 --> 00:07:22,694
- Don't touch that.
- I'm sorry, what is it?

102
00:07:22,694 --> 00:07:27,281
It's a last resort. Like, if all else
fails and you're about to die.

103
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,078
Are you not
scared? To die?

104
00:07:34,078 --> 00:07:36,622
Are you scared you're never gonna
grow into your big boy pants?

105
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:40,582
I'm serious. What if Spider-Man or Batman
got killed one night? It could happen.

106
00:07:40,582 --> 00:07:44,962
If you're scared of dying, one thing
is certain. You are going to die.

107
00:07:45,797 --> 00:07:48,632
My Daddy was never
afraid of dying.

108
00:07:49,299 --> 00:07:51,592
Look where that
got him.

109
00:07:51,592 --> 00:07:55,637
He knew he might have to make
the ultimate sacrifice one day.

110
00:07:56,722 --> 00:08:01,015
And that's why he made me promise
I'd never stop defending this city.

111
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,978
Cross my heart.

112
00:08:05,270 --> 00:08:07,230
Hope to die.

113
00:08:09,065 --> 00:08:13,735
Your dad was insane.
You know that, right?

114
00:08:13,735 --> 00:08:18,905
You're wrong, Dave. My Daddy
was the first real superhero.

115
00:08:18,905 --> 00:08:23,451
Not you or Red Mist.
It was my Daddy.

116
00:08:23,451 --> 00:08:27,204
And it was an honor to
serve by his side.

117
00:08:38,212 --> 00:08:41,215
- Hey, Mind, how was school?
- Super crazy.

118
00:08:41,215 --> 00:08:46,093
Miss Mullins was out today so we had
Mr. Cooper teach us Biology. Such a grump.....

119
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:48,845
Oh, really, that's weird, because
Principal Emhoff called me yesterday.

120
00:08:48,845 --> 00:08:53,391
Yeah, you were supposed to get an award
for perfect attendance but, you didn't attend.

121
00:08:53,391 --> 00:08:55,934
I followed you this morning.
I saw you get into a cab

122
00:08:55,934 --> 00:08:58,729
with some boy and I lost
you guys over the bridge.

123
00:08:58,729 --> 00:09:02,441
So now you wanna tell
where you really were today?

124
00:09:07,527 --> 00:09:10,530
I'm really sorry,
Marcus, I don't wanna make...

125
00:09:10,530 --> 00:09:14,240
Cut the waterworks, Mind.
You're fifteen, not five.

126
00:09:16,701 --> 00:09:17,452
Okay.

127
00:09:19,286 --> 00:09:23,707
Look, he asked me to cut class and
go to the mall. So, yeah. Yeah, I did.

128
00:09:23,707 --> 00:09:25,999
This has nothing to do
with you being Hit-Girl?

129
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:30,670
I'm not gonna find any, ninja blades,
or throwing stars under your bed?

130
00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:34,715
No. I just wanted
him to like me, okay?

131
00:09:34,715 --> 00:09:37,508
Sweetie, you know skipping school is
not a way to get boys to like you.

132
00:09:37,508 --> 00:09:39,219
- I'm so stupid.
- Hey, hey...

133
00:09:39,219 --> 00:09:41,846
You're one of the smartest
little girls I know.

134
00:09:41,846 --> 00:09:44,223
Let's go get
some pizza.

135
00:09:44,223 --> 00:09:48,643
- Why, you mean I'm not grounded?
- Well, just, consider this a warning.

136
00:09:50,102 --> 00:09:52,521
Hey, you sure you wanna give
all your mom's things away?

137
00:09:52,521 --> 00:09:55,148
What the hell am I supposed
to do with all her stuff?

138
00:09:56,232 --> 00:09:58,984
Damn, she had a
nice pair of guns.

139
00:09:58,984 --> 00:10:02,153
Dude, she's dead! Don't
talk about her tits!

140
00:10:02,153 --> 00:10:07,157
- I was talking about these.
- Oh, those. Those were my Dad's.

141
00:10:08,491 --> 00:10:10,743
Why don't you
keep them?

142
00:10:10,993 --> 00:10:13,579
- You sure?
- Yeah. I mean they belong to you, right?

143
00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:17,083
Come on, Chris. You're
your own man now.

144
00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:20,376
- Just, just be careful, alright?
- Yeah.

145
00:10:24,796 --> 00:10:28,549
- Definitely, definitely, don't wanna keep those!
- No, no, I'll take care of it!

146
00:10:35,304 --> 00:10:38,140
Take the day off.
Later!

147
00:10:42,060 --> 00:10:44,020
- Hey.
- So...

148
00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:45,980
You ready for your
first field test?

149
00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:51,358
- What am I supposed to do with these?
- Put them on, and, uh, go fishing.

150
00:11:01,242 --> 00:11:04,703
- I'm the whitest pimp ever.
- That's the idea!

151
00:11:04,703 --> 00:11:08,873
- Take your next right, comes out on Flatbush.
- Are you sure I should be doing this without my gear?

152
00:11:08,873 --> 00:11:12,917
<i>That's the point. Kick-Ass isn't a costume.
Kick-Ass is who you really are.</i>

153
00:11:12,917 --> 00:11:14,752
<i>Dave Lizewski
is the mask.</i>

154
00:11:14,752 --> 00:11:18,422
Well, my mask is about
to get its' teeth kicked in.

155
00:11:18,673 --> 00:11:22,842
Hey, queer bait. Where you
going with those bags, man?

156
00:11:22,842 --> 00:11:26,178
<i>Tell him you're on your way to fuck
his mother with a Tobin strap-on.</i>

157
00:11:26,178 --> 00:11:28,180
I'm just taking a walk.

158
00:11:28,180 --> 00:11:31,057
Really isn't what I do,
I usually just call the cops.

159
00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:33,851
Who are you
talking to, man?

160
00:11:33,851 --> 00:11:38,312
I'm just trying a call. There's,
no, uh, service around here? .

161
00:11:38,312 --> 00:11:40,564
This sucks, man.
Give me the bags, faggot.

162
00:11:40,564 --> 00:11:43,192
Before I make you suck
my fat cock, huh?

163
00:11:43,192 --> 00:11:45,193
Come on.

164
00:12:15,384 --> 00:12:18,719
Can you believe I let Mindy beat
the snot out of me for weeks

165
00:12:18,719 --> 00:12:22,847
just so I can get my ass kicked again?
So much for a team.

166
00:12:22,847 --> 00:12:25,975
You ready to
die, faggot?

167
00:12:28,101 --> 00:12:33,440
You know, all the homophobic shit
makes you sound super gay.

168
00:13:05,965 --> 00:13:08,842
If I ever catch you
robbing again, shitburger,

169
00:13:08,842 --> 00:13:11,802
I'mma go Saudi Arabia on your ass
and cut your hand off.

170
00:13:11,802 --> 00:13:15,556
- Promise me you're done with the life of crime?
- I promise.

171
00:13:19,351 --> 00:13:22,102
Pants on fire.

172
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:24,772
- What did you think?
- I think you almost got me killed!

173
00:13:24,772 --> 00:13:28,983
No, what did you think of my line?
"Pants on fire". I wrote a whole bunch full--

174
00:13:28,983 --> 00:13:32,652
Run! I'll tell them you
saved me. Go!

175
00:13:32,652 --> 00:13:38,491
<i>Female suspect fleeing Flatbush. Under five
feet, masked, armed with nunchucks and a sword.</i>

176
00:13:51,459 --> 00:13:54,419
- Hey, Mind.
- Hey, Marcus, what's up?

177
00:13:54,419 --> 00:13:56,755
<i>I see you answered your phone.
That means you're not in school.</i>

178
00:13:56,755 --> 00:14:02,550
I was, but I wasn't feeling so good.
And so, the nurse decided to send me home.

179
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:06,388
Poor thing. Well, I'm almost home. I'll make
you some soup and we can watch Jeopardy.

180
00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:10,432
- Alright, I'll see you soon, okay?
- All right.

181
00:14:35,410 --> 00:14:37,036
Shit!

182
00:15:03,057 --> 00:15:05,351
You got
my soup?

183
00:15:08,477 --> 00:15:10,896
Let me take your
temperature first.

184
00:15:10,896 --> 00:15:14,525
- You're really clammy.
- I'll feel better after a nap-nap.

185
00:15:14,525 --> 00:15:18,944
Close your eyes. Then I'll
make you that soup.

186
00:15:22,614 --> 00:15:24,450
Is that blood?

187
00:15:25,241 --> 00:15:28,034
Damn it, Mindy.
I can't do this anymore.

188
00:15:28,034 --> 00:15:31,579
Your father was like a brother to me.
He was a great cop and a hero.

189
00:15:31,579 --> 00:15:37,209
But Big Daddy, that was not your father, okay?
That was someone who robbed you of your childhood.

190
00:15:37,209 --> 00:15:39,085
And this...

191
00:15:39,085 --> 00:15:43,380
Hit-Girl. That's not
who you are.

192
00:15:44,466 --> 00:15:47,968
You are Mindy
Macready.

193
00:15:47,968 --> 00:15:50,720
You're just starting
high school.

194
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:55,974
I understand that you don't know who that
person is, yet, but you will. You just gotta try.

195
00:15:55,974 --> 00:16:00,936
- I don't want to...
- You don't know what you want. You can't. You're not an adult, not yet.

196
00:16:00,936 --> 00:16:05,607
Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15
years than most adults have in their lifetime.

197
00:16:05,607 --> 00:16:10,776
That note that your father gave you, the one you were
supposed to open if anything ever happened to him.

198
00:16:10,776 --> 00:16:13,779
- What did it say?
- That you would take care of me.

199
00:16:13,779 --> 00:16:16,240
And that you were supposed
to listen to me, right?

200
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:20,285
Well, listen up. I want you in school, I
want you to stop talking to that boy

201
00:16:20,285 --> 00:16:24,622
and I want you to promise me that
this is never gonna happen again.

202
00:16:37,215 --> 00:16:39,967
Cross my heart.

203
00:16:39,967 --> 00:16:41,843
Hope to die.

204
00:16:43,552 --> 00:16:45,346
Good.

205
00:17:00,024 --> 00:17:01,734
Mindy. What
the hell?

206
00:17:01,734 --> 00:17:05,527
- First, you almost get me killed, then you stand me up.
- Dave, I'm sorry.

207
00:17:05,527 --> 00:17:09,324
- You are?
- I am.

208
00:17:10,157 --> 00:17:12,409
For everything.

209
00:17:12,409 --> 00:17:14,452
Okay, great.

210
00:17:14,452 --> 00:17:18,372
I mean, apologetic isn't a
word I'd use to describe you.

211
00:17:18,372 --> 00:17:23,125
- How many times do I have to tell you?
- Look, let's get out of here.

212
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:27,213
- You gotta ease up, I think I might've broken a rib.
- Dave, I'm done....

213
00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:30,923
- With training?
- With everything.

214
00:17:30,923 --> 00:17:34,594
Wait, you mean
everything?

215
00:17:36,511 --> 00:17:40,264
You can't. You're Hit-Girl.
We were gonna start a team.

216
00:17:40,264 --> 00:17:43,101
You can't just quit,
this is who you are.

217
00:17:43,101 --> 00:17:46,186
Not anymore, Dave.

218
00:17:46,186 --> 00:17:50,064
I'm sorry, but
it's over. I'm done.

219
00:17:50,064 --> 00:17:51,981
Just leave
me alone.

220
00:17:51,981 --> 00:17:53,983
Would you stop
apologizing!?

221
00:17:53,983 --> 00:17:59,405
I don't know what's worse. That you're fucking a
ninth-grader or that you just got dumped by one?

222
00:17:59,405 --> 00:18:00,530
Pedophile freak!

223
00:18:00,530 --> 00:18:03,366
- It's not like that!
- What is it like? Please, tell me.

224
00:18:03,366 --> 00:18:06,327
I can't. It's to do
with the "Kick-Ass" thing.

225
00:18:06,327 --> 00:18:08,160
I've got a
secret for you.

226
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,580
- You remember Malick?
- Dude who volunteers at your needle exchange?

227
00:18:11,580 --> 00:18:14,583
His baton is so much
bigger than "Kick-Ass'"

228
00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:17,669
- No.
- Yeah.

229
00:18:17,669 --> 00:18:21,755
- And by "baton", I mean penis.
- Yeah, I got that, thanks.

230
00:18:21,755 --> 00:18:24,383
15 ditching
20, pervert.

231
00:18:24,383 --> 00:18:28,219
A freshman, Dave!
You salty dog.

232
00:18:28,219 --> 00:18:33,389
- What's the problem? Grass in the field, play ball, right?
- No, Todd.

233
00:18:33,389 --> 00:18:36,851
Chris, your tutor's
here. Chris!

234
00:18:36,851 --> 00:18:39,228
Chris, your
tu....

235
00:18:39,228 --> 00:18:41,186
Holy shit!

236
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:45,232
- What the hell is that?
- My Destiny.

237
00:18:45,232 --> 00:18:48,276
Chris, just, just 'cause your Mom
like to get a little freaky, now...

238
00:18:48,276 --> 00:18:50,278
I know what my
role is in this, Javier...

239
00:18:50,278 --> 00:18:53,947
My dad was a crime boss,
so it just makes sense...

240
00:18:53,947 --> 00:18:57,868
I'm a supervillain.
It's evolution.

241
00:18:57,868 --> 00:19:00,536
Come on, c'mon, just put those things
down before you hurt somebody, Chris.

242
00:19:00,536 --> 00:19:04,247
- Nah, that's my name.
- Okay, okay, uhh, Red, Red Mist...

243
00:19:04,247 --> 00:19:09,836
Red Mist was my superhero name.
Henceforth, I'll be known as...

244
00:19:09,836 --> 00:19:10,711
The Motherfucker.

245
00:19:13,713 --> 00:19:18,216
After Mindy quit, I decided to stop hitting
the heavy bag and start hitting the streets.

246
00:19:18,216 --> 00:19:21,511
- Hey, Kick-Ass! Welcome back!
- Yeah!

247
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,679
You're the
best, man!

248
00:19:23,679 --> 00:19:27,265
Only problem? I was
still on my own.

249
00:19:27,265 --> 00:19:31,769
So I went online and found a Physics
professor calling himself "Dr. Gravity".

250
00:19:31,769 --> 00:19:35,021
Sure, he wasn't Hit-Girl,
but I had to start somewhere.

251
00:19:35,021 --> 00:19:37,732
This is the Zero-G
device I invented.

252
00:19:37,732 --> 00:19:40,985
- It can levitate any object up to a ton.
- For real?

253
00:19:40,985 --> 00:19:46,363
Hell, no, man! This is a baseball bat
wrapped in tin foil! But it fooled you!

254
00:19:46,363 --> 00:19:48,365
Hey, can I get a Diet
Mountain Dew, please?

255
00:19:48,365 --> 00:19:53,578
I'm not even a Physics professor. Just a copyright I put,
an ad thing, you see. But that's why I love this stuff.

256
00:19:53,578 --> 00:19:56,455
You can be
anyone you want.

257
00:19:56,455 --> 00:20:00,958
- You done many team-ups before?
- Kind of. Yeah. No, not really.

258
00:20:00,958 --> 00:20:03,294
I was getting kinda nervous
about being on my own.

259
00:20:03,294 --> 00:20:07,087
Yeah, me too. I've never
even been in a fight.

260
00:20:07,630 --> 00:20:10,717
Well, hopefully, you
won't have to.

261
00:20:10,717 --> 00:20:13,843
Hey, I printed a guy talking about
forming a team if you're interested.

262
00:20:13,843 --> 00:20:16,720
I don't know how serious he is,
but his picture was pretty hardcore.

263
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:20,057
Are you kidding me?
That's why I contacted you.

264
00:20:20,057 --> 00:20:22,683
I didn't wanna freak you out by
bringing it up too soon, y'know?

265
00:20:22,683 --> 00:20:25,811
I'll show you his profile
after I hit the men's room.

266
00:20:26,811 --> 00:20:29,564
You're uncle Ralph's not gonna
be happy about this, Chris.

267
00:20:29,564 --> 00:20:32,525
- That's not my name.
- I'm not calling you that, forget it.

268
00:20:32,525 --> 00:20:37,278
Javier, you worked for my Dad. Then you
worked for my Mom. Now, you work for me.

269
00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:40,280
I'm probably the richest
kid in New York City.

270
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:45,327
But if you don't like that, find yourself
another motherfucking job, okay?

271
00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:48,078
Yo, Kick-Ass!

272
00:20:48,078 --> 00:20:51,831
- Man, am I glad to see you.
- Is there anything I can do to help, sir?

273
00:20:51,831 --> 00:20:55,418
Yeah, I was hoping you can help
me get a million hits on YouTube!

274
00:21:01,382 --> 00:21:02,674
Come on.
Come on!

275
00:21:18,228 --> 00:21:21,480
- God!
- Run, Kick-Ass! Run!

276
00:21:23,564 --> 00:21:26,609
Jersey Shore,
motherfucker!

277
00:21:26,984 --> 00:21:30,862
What, not interested in
a fair fight, huh?

278
00:21:31,238 --> 00:21:33,407
That is not
a fair fight.

279
00:21:33,407 --> 00:21:36,701
Team meeting tomorrow!
I'll e-mail you the address.

280
00:21:37,326 --> 00:21:39,744
Beware Dr. Gravity!

281
00:21:39,744 --> 00:21:42,121
You have to admire
the Doctor's enthusiasm.

282
00:21:42,121 --> 00:21:45,457
I couldn't wait to
meet his friends.

283
00:21:51,296 --> 00:21:56,298
Hands in the air, spud roll. Empty the
register and don't do anything stupid.

284
00:21:56,550 --> 00:21:59,718
Come on! Hey, where are
your security cameras?

285
00:21:59,718 --> 00:22:02,345
- We don't have them. Too expensive.
- Seriously? What the fuck!

286
00:22:02,345 --> 00:22:05,056
- How is this gonna go viral?
- You want to be filmed?

287
00:22:05,056 --> 00:22:06,974
Shut up and just
get on the ground!

288
00:22:06,974 --> 00:22:09,977
And you better tell people
The Motherfucker was here!

289
00:22:09,977 --> 00:22:11,769
What's wrong
with you, boy?

290
00:22:11,769 --> 00:22:15,022
Get on the floor too, Gandalf,
or I will bust a cap in your ass!

291
00:22:15,022 --> 00:22:18,483
You're gonna bust your own face when
that gun kicks if you don't hold it properly.

292
00:22:18,483 --> 00:22:21,569
Just, get on
the ground!

293
00:22:24,488 --> 00:22:26,990
God! Will you
hurry up?

294
00:22:26,990 --> 00:22:29,658
I told ya!

295
00:22:42,210 --> 00:22:44,045
Go! Go,
go, go!

296
00:22:44,045 --> 00:22:46,129
Start the car! Go, go,
go, go, go! Fuck!

297
00:22:47,464 --> 00:22:50,675
That was amazing!
I feel so alive!

298
00:22:50,675 --> 00:22:52,886
I know who I am,
I know why I'm here.

299
00:22:52,886 --> 00:22:57,723
I'm gonna fuck, this world, up! They will
know The Motherfucker's name!

300
00:22:57,723 --> 00:23:00,975
You got to find me some badass
MMA types to train me, okay?

301
00:23:00,975 --> 00:23:03,227
Like a, like a Chuck Liddell,
or whoever.

302
00:23:03,227 --> 00:23:08,940
Fuck, I don't care how much it costs. I just
wanna be able to kill Kick-Ass with my bare hands.

303
00:23:11,275 --> 00:23:14,320
I gotta Tweet
about this.

304
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:15,258
(Kick-Ass texting)

305
00:23:22,576 --> 00:23:23,514
(Mindy responding)

306
00:23:33,210 --> 00:23:33,960
You ready?

307
00:23:36,003 --> 00:23:41,132
- I don't know. Am I?
- Yes, you are. You look great.

308
00:23:41,132 --> 00:23:45,469
- And Barbara's daughter, Brooke, is really nice.
- What am I supposed to talk to them about?

309
00:23:45,469 --> 00:23:47,971
I'd rather be waterboarded than
listen to Justin Bieber.

310
00:23:47,971 --> 00:23:50,555
- You're gonna be fine.
- I'm gonna be a disaster.

311
00:23:50,555 --> 00:23:54,643
- How do you know that?
- Because it's a slumber party, for fuck's sake?

312
00:23:54,643 --> 00:23:57,479
Dollar.
Jar.

313
00:23:58,812 --> 00:24:01,481
(Swear Jar)

314
00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:04,900
You're gonna need
a bigger jar.

315
00:24:07,611 --> 00:24:11,322
Pretty cool, huh? This is
how the beer gets delivered.

316
00:24:13,074 --> 00:24:16,576
Dude, you got a secret elevator
through underground headquarters.

317
00:24:16,576 --> 00:24:19,913
Yeah, the guy I told you
about owns this place.

318
00:24:19,913 --> 00:24:23,707
- Just like a real-life Batcave.
- I know, right?

319
00:24:29,837 --> 00:24:32,880
This is the single greatest
thing I've ever seen.

320
00:24:34,465 --> 00:24:38,052
Welcome to
"Justice Forever".

321
00:24:42,262 --> 00:24:46,599
- Hi, Detective Williams! This must be Mindy.
- It is. Hi, Brooke.

322
00:24:46,599 --> 00:24:49,687
So, you girls have some fun, and I'll
pick you up in the morning, okay?

323
00:24:49,687 --> 00:24:53,855
- I'll be the one with the slit wrists.
- No, you're gonna be the one that gets the awesome manicure.

324
00:24:53,855 --> 00:24:56,691
- I am?
- Oh, yeah.

325
00:24:57,441 --> 00:24:59,985
- Say "hey" to Mindy, ladies.
- Hey.

326
00:24:59,985 --> 00:25:03,863
I know you. You're that freshman who took
a ride on Dave Lizewski's disco stick.

327
00:25:03,863 --> 00:25:07,158
- I did not ride his...
- If you just blew him. You're totes a virgin, right?

328
00:25:07,158 --> 00:25:10,661
- She didn't blow him. Look at her.
- Then what? Rimjob? Handjob? Fingerbang?

329
00:25:10,661 --> 00:25:14,497
Sweet Ryan Seacrest. You
at least kissed him, right?

330
00:25:14,497 --> 00:25:16,082
Totes.

331
00:25:16,082 --> 00:25:18,500
You've never kissed a
boy, have you?

332
00:25:18,500 --> 00:25:21,169
- Oh, my God, that is so adorbs.
- Maybe, she's a dyke.

333
00:25:21,169 --> 00:25:24,047
Maybe, I'll jam my foot
up your snatch!

334
00:25:24,047 --> 00:25:27,841
- Oh, she's super-bitchy, I likes!
- What's the big deal, anyway?

335
00:25:27,841 --> 00:25:30,427
What could be so great about
gagging on some douchebag's tongue?

336
00:25:30,427 --> 00:25:35,471
It's pretty fucking great! You know how you
feel when you watch that video by Union J?

337
00:25:35,471 --> 00:25:37,848
Holy shit,
you don't know?

338
00:25:37,848 --> 00:25:41,769
This, will change,
your life.

339
00:25:47,606 --> 00:25:52,694
- You guys love this shit like the fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you?
- Who's Stan Lee?

340
00:26:24,844 --> 00:26:28,472
- What the fuck was that?
- I know, right? I'm soaked.

341
00:26:28,472 --> 00:26:32,184
That is who you are, Mindy. You
may not dress like us, or talk like us,

342
00:26:32,184 --> 00:26:34,643
but when it comes to
boys, we're all the same.

343
00:26:34,643 --> 00:26:39,647
Twilight, Channing Tatum,
Union J. It's biology, bitch.

344
00:26:39,981 --> 00:26:41,857
Don't fight it.

345
00:26:45,694 --> 00:26:49,238
- I gotta go.
- But we were gonna go get high on bath salts at Logan's house.

346
00:26:49,238 --> 00:26:53,908
Mindy, I wanna give you a chance that, the
rest of the girls in our class would kill for.

347
00:26:54,284 --> 00:26:57,996
Don't you wanna walk out the door
everyday in skin-tight clothes,

348
00:26:57,996 --> 00:27:00,205
knowing that everyone
worships you?

349
00:27:00,497 --> 00:27:05,043
Don't you wanna sneak out at night, raise
a little hell and show the world what

350
00:27:05,043 --> 00:27:09,129
a strong, independent
woman is capable of?

351
00:27:09,671 --> 00:27:12,298
Don't you
wanna belong?

352
00:27:14,799 --> 00:27:19,095
- Can I wear this to Logan's?
- Yay! It's gonna be so much fun.

353
00:27:20,055 --> 00:27:24,349
So, we tried the cops.
And tried the newspapers.

354
00:27:24,766 --> 00:27:31,606
And even set up a, y'know, a thing, on the
internet for people to help us find Tommy.

355
00:27:33,940 --> 00:27:36,400
But we got
nothing.

356
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:39,111
We never saw
our son again.

357
00:27:39,111 --> 00:27:45,658
I came up with the name "Remembering Tommy",
and we've been doing this 3 nights a week.

358
00:27:46,075 --> 00:27:48,786
Colonel Stars and Stripes
found us online.

359
00:27:48,786 --> 00:27:52,121
That's terrible, guys.
I'm really sorry.

360
00:27:52,121 --> 00:27:56,207
I became "Night Bitch" after my sister was
murdered and found in a dumpster.

361
00:27:56,207 --> 00:28:00,836
- Shit.
- Doesn't bring her back, but at least I'm doing something positive about it.

362
00:28:00,836 --> 00:28:03,171
Insect Man?

363
00:28:03,547 --> 00:28:06,882
I've been bullied my
whole life for being gay.

364
00:28:06,882 --> 00:28:09,760
So, now I stand up
for the defenseless.

365
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:11,804
That's why I don't
wear a mask.

366
00:28:11,804 --> 00:28:14,138
Too much like being
back in the closet.

367
00:28:14,138 --> 00:28:17,683
Long as your heart is in the right place,
we don't care what you put in your mouth.

368
00:28:17,683 --> 00:28:19,976
- Fist bump.
- Thank you, sir.

369
00:28:20,476 --> 00:28:26,022
Well, I became "Battle Guy" after my parents were
mugged and killed coming home from the opera.

370
00:28:26,022 --> 00:28:29,526
Did I tell you guys that that sick bastard
maxed out their credit cards on porno sites?

371
00:28:29,526 --> 00:28:31,402
I just hope that we get the
chance to say hello to this guy

372
00:28:31,402 --> 00:28:34,530
someday so I can personally
levitate his soul from his body.

373
00:28:34,530 --> 00:28:37,031
Oh, my
God, Marty?

374
00:28:37,490 --> 00:28:41,452
- I know I recognized your voice.
- No, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about.

375
00:28:41,452 --> 00:28:44,079
I don't know
a Marty.

376
00:28:44,079 --> 00:28:49,165
- Hey, asshole, it's me. Dave.
- Dave?

377
00:28:49,165 --> 00:28:53,128
- Why are you dressed like Kick-Ass?
- Because, I'm Kick-Ass!

378
00:28:53,128 --> 00:28:57,131
- You two know each other?
- Yeah, like, since we were five.

379
00:28:57,131 --> 00:29:01,092
- What's all this bullshit about your parents getting killed?
- Language!

380
00:29:01,092 --> 00:29:06,763
- What?
- Battle Guy? Care to update your resume?

381
00:29:07,305 --> 00:29:11,850
I'm trying to figure out how to explain this
without sounding like a complete idiot right now.

382
00:29:11,850 --> 00:29:16,063
- Yeah, I'm not sure that's possible, Batman.
- I'm not, either.

383
00:29:16,813 --> 00:29:18,898
Okay, well, when I
found you guys online,

384
00:29:18,898 --> 00:29:21,567
you were all swapping these
awesome origin stories.

385
00:29:21,567 --> 00:29:24,777
- I mean, Colonel, you're ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake.
- Yo!

386
00:29:24,777 --> 00:29:28,531
- Don't take the Lord's name in vain.
- I'm sorry.

387
00:29:28,531 --> 00:29:33,784
I just, I didn't think you guys would let me
join the team unless I had a good story, too.

388
00:29:34,119 --> 00:29:38,873
All right. We'll let you off the
hook this time, Battle Guy.

389
00:29:38,873 --> 00:29:42,416
- Want to see something cool?
- Yeah!

390
00:29:42,416 --> 00:29:44,960
I thought this could
be our meeting room.

391
00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:49,423
- Woah! This is so cool!
- Now this little renovation was totally clandestine.

392
00:29:49,423 --> 00:29:51,298
Which means nobody
knew about it.

393
00:29:51,298 --> 00:29:55,843
I know it's not much, but
this is just the beginning.

394
00:29:55,843 --> 00:29:58,638
Together, we can make
a real difference.

395
00:30:00,139 --> 00:30:04,184
If you'd consider it, Kick-Ass, we'd
be honored to have you join us.

396
00:30:06,895 --> 00:30:09,229
Hell, yeah!

397
00:30:09,229 --> 00:30:11,523
That's what I'd
like to hear!

398
00:30:11,523 --> 00:30:16,402
Alright! Time for initiation.
Turn around and I'll unzip ya.

399
00:30:16,402 --> 00:30:20,238
- I'm sorry, what?
- I'm just joking. Let's get down to business.

400
00:30:22,865 --> 00:30:26,993
There you are. We saved you a seat
in the caf, but you never showed.

401
00:30:26,993 --> 00:30:30,580
Yeah, I usually head over to
the Olive Garden to carb-load.

402
00:30:30,580 --> 00:30:34,081
- I haven't had white sugar since my first birthday.
- Do we need an intervention?

403
00:30:34,081 --> 00:30:37,292
Come on. The best way to tighten up
a tummy is the varsity dance team.

404
00:30:37,292 --> 00:30:40,379
The signing sheet
just went up.

405
00:30:42,214 --> 00:30:44,924
It's still blowing
my mind, "Kick-Ass".

406
00:30:44,924 --> 00:30:48,343
It's like finding out your best
friend's always been Will Smith.

407
00:30:48,343 --> 00:30:52,722
- Hey, guys. What you talking 'bout?
- Nothing.

408
00:30:52,722 --> 00:30:56,015
- Nothing?
- Yeah, Todd, nothing.

409
00:30:56,015 --> 00:31:01,354
- All right, see you around, guys.
- Todd, wait!

410
00:31:01,354 --> 00:31:04,732
- Watch it!
- Watch me end your life!

411
00:31:04,732 --> 00:31:08,025
C'mon, forget it. He's just one of those dickheads
that follows The Motherfucker on Twitter.

412
00:31:08,025 --> 00:31:11,778
- Who?
- The Motherfucker. He's some guy planning to be the world's first supervillain.

413
00:31:11,778 --> 00:31:15,866
- He's got like a thousand followers already.
- What an asshole.

414
00:31:16,782 --> 00:31:18,282
Get some!

415
00:31:18,282 --> 00:31:20,369
You got this,
Motherfucker!

416
00:31:20,369 --> 00:31:23,579
- You really think he got a shot?
- I wouldn't take his money if I didn't.

417
00:31:23,579 --> 00:31:28,541
MMA is like chess, it's all about the moves.
And your boy really knows his stuff.

418
00:31:30,834 --> 00:31:33,171
Time to die,
asshole.

419
00:31:35,130 --> 00:31:37,799
- Are you alright?
- I'm cool.

420
00:31:37,799 --> 00:31:40,677
Good jab!
Nice jab, buddy!

421
00:31:40,677 --> 00:31:43,553
Come on, stay loose, baby.
Walk it off, walk it off!

422
00:31:45,305 --> 00:31:47,599
Shit! Oh, you
broke my leg!

423
00:31:48,099 --> 00:31:51,476
- Come on. Do something. Yeah, let's take a break guys.
- Let's take a break!

424
00:31:51,476 --> 00:31:53,937
Street rules, bitch!

425
00:31:56,690 --> 00:31:59,440
Chuck!
Get this girl off me!

426
00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:02,859
Hey, what are you doing, man? You
all right, Chris? You all right, buddy?

427
00:32:02,859 --> 00:32:06,863
- Get off me, I was winning!
- No, you were crying.

428
00:32:06,863 --> 00:32:09,282
You know what?
Screw this.

429
00:32:09,282 --> 00:32:13,368
My superpower, is
that I'm rich as shit.

430
00:32:13,368 --> 00:32:17,664
Hey, you wanna work for me, huh?
You wanna beat people up for me?

431
00:32:18,665 --> 00:32:24,128
- Sure.
- Alright! Let's get you a mask and a costume and we will call you...

432
00:32:24,128 --> 00:32:26,504
"Black Death".

433
00:32:26,504 --> 00:32:28,881
Woah, you don't think that's just
a little bit incredibly racist?

434
00:32:28,881 --> 00:32:31,590
I don't give a shit! I want
you to put the word out.

435
00:32:31,590 --> 00:32:34,718
That I'm willing to pay top-dollar
for every hired hitter in town.

436
00:32:34,718 --> 00:32:37,096
- Come on, let's just talk about it first.
- The money talks.

437
00:32:37,096 --> 00:32:41,932
You wanted me to be my own man.
This is what it looks like.

438
00:32:41,932 --> 00:32:46,979
- Alright, alright, I'll make some calls.
- Yes! Anybody else who wanna be a supervillain?

439
00:32:46,979 --> 00:32:49,897
I promise I'll pay better than
Chuck "Little Dick" Liddell!

440
00:32:49,897 --> 00:32:53,941
- What did you call me?
- No, no, man. He took a hit to the head, he doesn't know what he's saying.

441
00:32:54,609 --> 00:32:57,028
I've been studying privately
with Coach Podell.

442
00:32:57,028 --> 00:33:01,282
And by studying, I mean my mom
paid her off to make me varsity.

443
00:33:01,282 --> 00:33:04,867
So, if you're half-decent I'll make
sure she puts you on the team.

444
00:33:04,867 --> 00:33:08,453
- At least as an alternate.
- You'd do that for me?

445
00:33:08,453 --> 00:33:11,582
Besties stick
together.

446
00:33:11,582 --> 00:33:14,041
If Brooke wants a pet, she
should just get a dog.

447
00:33:14,041 --> 00:33:16,418
She's just trying to recreate
Mindy in her own image.

448
00:33:16,418 --> 00:33:19,421
All right ladies, have a
seat, let's get started.

449
00:33:57,784 --> 00:34:00,203
Mindy Macready.

450
00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:08,792
As long as you don't fall
on your face, you're in. Go.

451
00:34:21,844 --> 00:34:22,720
Four attackers...

452
00:34:24,972 --> 00:34:25,754
No escape.

453
00:35:19,808 --> 00:35:25,686
- Oh my God! You'd totally make captain.
- So much better than Brooke's.

454
00:35:27,313 --> 00:35:29,899
A bunch of people
with made-up names,

455
00:35:29,899 --> 00:35:32,233
standing around in
homemade costumes,

456
00:35:32,233 --> 00:35:35,236
searching the web
for unsolved crimes?

457
00:35:35,236 --> 00:35:39,407
Comic book heroes all have billion-dollar
bases and headquarters on the moon.

458
00:35:39,407 --> 00:35:41,199
But this is the
real world.

459
00:35:41,199 --> 00:35:44,076
- Scales, like red, white and blue.
- Ist's awesome!

460
00:35:44,326 --> 00:35:45,077
Brick.

461
00:35:48,038 --> 00:35:50,497
- What do you think?
- I think it does the job.

462
00:35:50,497 --> 00:35:52,459
People should get
what they deserve.

463
00:35:52,459 --> 00:35:55,376
A family living in the street
deserves a hot meal.

464
00:35:55,376 --> 00:35:58,838
An inebriated college girl deserves
to make it home safe at night.

465
00:35:58,838 --> 00:36:02,424
And a pervert,
a pedophile...

466
00:36:03,258 --> 00:36:06,010
Deserves a visit
from Eisenhower.

467
00:36:08,803 --> 00:36:13,141
Now you don't wanna hit with your closed fist. Because
you might break your hand, then you're defenseless.

468
00:36:13,141 --> 00:36:15,059
You wanna hit with
open palm!

469
00:36:15,059 --> 00:36:16,727
Open palm!

470
00:36:18,228 --> 00:36:22,774
I never made varsity football,
or got cast in the school play.

471
00:36:22,774 --> 00:36:24,942
Hell, I never even
made honor roll.

472
00:36:24,942 --> 00:36:26,651
Dropped like
a bitch!

473
00:36:26,651 --> 00:36:31,113
But if I had, I kinda believed it
would've felt a lot like this.

474
00:36:31,363 --> 00:36:34,450
"When the cops can no
longer, protect and serve,

475
00:36:34,450 --> 00:36:37,117
be warned, mugger,
heads up, perv!

476
00:36:37,117 --> 00:36:39,745
We got the strength,
we got the nerve,

477
00:36:39,745 --> 00:36:42,414
to give those in need,
what they deserve!"

478
00:36:42,414 --> 00:36:45,333
Justice Forever!

479
00:36:45,833 --> 00:36:47,959
We were in the
ultimate clique.

480
00:36:47,959 --> 00:36:51,379
It didn't matter that no
one else knew. We knew.

481
00:36:51,379 --> 00:36:53,381
We felt like
rockstars.

482
00:36:53,381 --> 00:36:56,342
Doctor, good job.
Battle Guy....

483
00:36:56,342 --> 00:36:59,468
Good night, Colonel,
Thanks for everything.

484
00:36:59,468 --> 00:37:01,929
No, son,
thank you.

485
00:37:01,929 --> 00:37:04,473
You showed us that every
man can make a difference.

486
00:37:04,473 --> 00:37:07,893
Without Kick-Ass, none
of us would be here.

487
00:37:07,893 --> 00:37:11,812
That's from the heart. Don't
let it go to your head.

488
00:37:14,689 --> 00:37:16,274
So...

489
00:37:16,608 --> 00:37:19,359
I'm not really
that tired.

490
00:37:32,495 --> 00:37:35,705
- Okay.
- Let's leave the masks on.

491
00:37:35,705 --> 00:37:38,959
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

492
00:37:42,335 --> 00:37:45,797
First big mission is tonight.
And it's not community service.

493
00:37:45,797 --> 00:37:48,132
We're taking out
some real bad guys.

494
00:37:48,132 --> 00:37:52,636
- Can't your team handle it?
- They're not you, Mindy.

495
00:37:52,636 --> 00:37:56,222
Remembering Tommy owns a dry fruit
business and Night Bitch teaches ballet.

496
00:37:56,222 --> 00:38:00,893
Night Bitch? What is she, a
superhero or a softcore porno?

497
00:38:00,893 --> 00:38:02,893
Maybe a little
bit of both.

498
00:38:02,893 --> 00:38:05,938
Oh, God! You're
frogging her?

499
00:38:05,938 --> 00:38:08,065
I'm gonna vom.

500
00:38:08,065 --> 00:38:12,818
Hey, you're like a ninja. Can't you just
sneak out? After Marcus goes to sleep?

501
00:38:13,402 --> 00:38:15,695
You don't
get it, Dave.

502
00:38:17,363 --> 00:38:21,659
- I made a promise to Marcus.
- So break it. You're a superhero, remember?

503
00:38:21,659 --> 00:38:24,286
Mindy Macready is
just a disguise.

504
00:38:24,870 --> 00:38:27,831
Yeah, I don't know what kind
of superhero "Night Whore" is,

505
00:38:27,831 --> 00:38:32,209
but if you really think I'd ever break my word,
you obviously have no idea of who I am.

506
00:38:32,209 --> 00:38:35,419
I know that making dance team doesn't
make you stop being who you are.

507
00:38:35,419 --> 00:38:38,755
I know Hit-Girl couldn't give a shit
about what high school girls are into.

508
00:38:38,755 --> 00:38:42,175
I know that you wouldn't go on a
date if your life depended on it.

509
00:38:42,175 --> 00:38:46,261
- Go to hell, Dave.
- What? You know I'm right.

510
00:38:46,553 --> 00:38:50,265
- Hey, roid-rage. Yeah.
- Me?

511
00:38:50,265 --> 00:38:54,727
- You wanna take me on a date sometime?
- Yeah! Sure, umm...

512
00:38:54,727 --> 00:38:57,604
My name is,
umm, Simon.

513
00:38:58,103 --> 00:39:01,316
Great, "um,
Simon."

514
00:39:01,316 --> 00:39:03,192
It's a date.

515
00:39:03,192 --> 00:39:06,861
- Mindy! I'm sorry.
- Is there a problem, Mind?

516
00:39:06,861 --> 00:39:11,031
Good. 'Cause I
don't like problems.

517
00:39:11,323 --> 00:39:16,785
Dave, you've been sneaking out at night? Mrs. Napier
said she thought she saw you leaving at 2 in the morning.

518
00:39:16,785 --> 00:39:22,081
Miss Napier's crazy, dad. She
tried to teach her dog Spanish.

519
00:39:23,333 --> 00:39:25,043
Are you
on drugs?

520
00:39:25,043 --> 00:39:31,672
- Seriously?
- I gotta ask. You're my best bud and you're growing up so fast.

521
00:39:31,672 --> 00:39:34,800
Promise me you're not
doing anything foolish?

522
00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:37,510
I promise.

523
00:39:37,510 --> 00:39:40,304
Good enough
for me, pal.

524
00:39:40,304 --> 00:39:42,890
You're too smart to
do anything stupid.

525
00:39:43,390 --> 00:39:47,351
Justice Forever!

526
00:39:47,351 --> 00:39:50,729
I'm glad you got that
out of your system.

527
00:39:52,063 --> 00:39:54,106
Todd texted
me. Again.

528
00:39:56,442 --> 00:39:58,819
Dude, how badass is
Colonel Stars and Stripes?

529
00:39:58,819 --> 00:40:01,403
Yeah, I still can't believe
he's an ex-mob enforcer.

530
00:40:01,403 --> 00:40:03,572
I mean, how do you go from
that to being a superhero?

531
00:40:03,572 --> 00:40:06,867
- He's a born again Christian. Yeah!
- Shut up!

532
00:40:06,867 --> 00:40:09,910
Let's hope he
can handle tonight.

533
00:40:12,204 --> 00:40:15,456
I guess we're about
to find out.

534
00:40:21,753 --> 00:40:23,922
Hey, where's the
rest of the team?

535
00:40:23,922 --> 00:40:27,759
Dr. Gravity has the flu and Remembering
Tommy got Book of Mormon tickets, so...

536
00:40:27,759 --> 00:40:31,677
That's okay. The
five of us should do.

537
00:40:31,677 --> 00:40:34,513
How did you say this guy made
his money, sir? Prostitution?

538
00:40:34,513 --> 00:40:38,433
Not just girls. Kids. Ships them
in from villages back home.

539
00:40:38,934 --> 00:40:43,019
- Boneheads in blue take a blind eye.
- How do you know he's here tonight?

540
00:40:43,019 --> 00:40:45,438
Because Thursday night
is poker night.

541
00:40:45,438 --> 00:40:49,901
Same five lowlifes every week.
They're not even hard to find.

542
00:40:49,901 --> 00:40:54,154
- So what's the plan? Are we sneaking in?
- I thought we'd knock.

543
00:40:54,154 --> 00:40:56,197
- What?
- More polite.

544
00:40:56,197 --> 00:40:58,699
Stay frosty, team.

545
00:40:58,699 --> 00:41:02,202
I used to eat punks
like this for breakfast.

546
00:41:03,702 --> 00:41:06,412
Jehovah's Witness!

547
00:41:08,791 --> 00:41:11,918
(Speaking Chinese)

548
00:41:12,544 --> 00:41:16,462
(Speaking Chinese)

549
00:41:17,380 --> 00:41:18,631
(Speaking Chinese)

550
00:41:18,631 --> 00:41:23,718
I'm sorry, I just zoned out for a second. Did you
say that we're going up against five gangsters?

551
00:41:24,177 --> 00:41:26,513
The bouncer
makes six.

552
00:41:29,598 --> 00:41:33,018
- And three quarters.
- What the fuck do you want?

553
00:41:33,018 --> 00:41:36,145
Good evening, young man.
We'd like a word with Jimmy Kim.

554
00:41:36,145 --> 00:41:38,981
If it's not too
inconvenient.

555
00:41:40,524 --> 00:41:45,820
Get the fuck out of here before I
tear your head off, you old fuck.

556
00:41:46,570 --> 00:41:49,906
- I'm sorry.
- I think we're in trouble.

557
00:41:49,906 --> 00:41:54,577
I just don't understand why people feel
the need to use that kind of language.

558
00:42:04,585 --> 00:42:06,378
Oh, sweet
Jesus.

559
00:42:06,378 --> 00:42:08,629
Battle Guy?

560
00:42:08,629 --> 00:42:12,340
- What did I tell you about taking the Lord's name in vain?
- Sorry, sir.

561
00:42:12,340 --> 00:42:14,634
Eisenhower,
at the ready.

562
00:42:14,634 --> 00:42:19,262
Insect Man, I want you right behind me.
Everybody else, spread out, catch some strays.

563
00:42:20,096 --> 00:42:21,597
And try to
have fun.

564
00:42:21,848 --> 00:42:25,393
Otherwise,
what's the point?

565
00:42:25,685 --> 00:42:28,687
Nice party. Anybody
wanna dance?

566
00:42:28,687 --> 00:42:30,687
(Curses in Chinese)

567
00:42:35,525 --> 00:42:37,652
Where are
you going?

568
00:42:43,781 --> 00:42:46,117
Very nice!

569
00:42:47,868 --> 00:42:49,953
Watch the bunny!

570
00:42:59,462 --> 00:43:02,087
Night Bitch!
Behind you!

571
00:43:18,559 --> 00:43:20,603
I got his
right arm.

572
00:43:26,566 --> 00:43:30,361
You know, you shouldn't talk with
your mouth full. It's very rude.

573
00:43:30,361 --> 00:43:32,362
Come on!

574
00:43:32,694 --> 00:43:35,030
Who the hell
are you?

575
00:43:35,447 --> 00:43:40,160
- We're the good guys.
- No, you're the fucking dead guys.

576
00:43:41,912 --> 00:43:45,080
Eisenhower.

577
00:43:53,545 --> 00:43:57,173
- Where are the girls?
- Come on, man. I've got a heart problem.

578
00:43:57,173 --> 00:43:59,132
Oh, yeah?

579
00:44:00,176 --> 00:44:02,969
You want me to
solve that for you?

580
00:44:04,386 --> 00:44:07,389
Okay. The girls are upstairs
in the apartments.

581
00:44:07,389 --> 00:44:11,143
My little brother, he's only a kid.
He's just a college kid.

582
00:44:11,601 --> 00:44:13,770
- Kick-Ass, Night Bitch.
- On it!

583
00:44:13,770 --> 00:44:17,271
Ralph D'Amico is gonna
end you for this.

584
00:44:17,271 --> 00:44:21,359
- It hurts!
- Yeah, there's a dog on your balls.

585
00:44:23,152 --> 00:44:26,570
You want money? There's
fifty grand in the table.

586
00:44:26,570 --> 00:44:28,906
Please, just make
him stop! Please!

587
00:44:29,698 --> 00:44:33,034
You think you can buy us?
Is that what you think?

588
00:44:33,034 --> 00:44:37,412
We're not here to steal from you.
We're here to send a message.

589
00:44:37,412 --> 00:44:40,290
To all the other
bottom-dwellers.

590
00:44:41,458 --> 00:44:46,462
- We're shutting you down.
- C'mon. There's a van waiting outside from the women's shelter.

591
00:44:46,462 --> 00:44:49,130
It'll take you
someplace safe.

592
00:44:49,714 --> 00:44:53,259
Wait, we can't leave.
We have no money.

593
00:44:53,551 --> 00:44:57,345
- Battle Guy, how much did they have on the table?
- I'd say fifty grand.

594
00:44:57,345 --> 00:45:01,598
- You got plenty now.
- Thank you.

595
00:45:11,690 --> 00:45:13,441
Good job, guys.

596
00:45:13,441 --> 00:45:16,193
Very tidy.
Very tidy.

597
00:45:16,610 --> 00:45:20,738
I can't believe you pulled a gun on that guy.
Were you really gonna shoot him?

598
00:45:20,738 --> 00:45:23,282
I'll let you in
on a little secret.

599
00:45:24,075 --> 00:45:27,077
Empty. Don't tell
the bad guys.

600
00:45:27,077 --> 00:45:31,329
Pardon my language, Colonel, but
you have got some serious balls.

601
00:45:31,329 --> 00:45:33,957
Certainly more
than Mr. Kim.

602
00:45:33,957 --> 00:45:36,710
"There's a dog
on my balls!"

603
00:45:39,045 --> 00:45:42,381
- Goddamn it! Javier!
- What happened?

604
00:45:42,381 --> 00:45:47,218
Some douche just posted a link to a story about a
whorehouse. Says that Kick-Ass' team took them out.

605
00:45:47,218 --> 00:45:51,095
- What the hell, where's my crew?
- Chris, everybody's just...

606
00:45:53,097 --> 00:45:55,725
Could you ladies excuse
us for a second?

607
00:45:55,725 --> 00:45:57,935
No, they're my sidekicks, they can
listen to what we have to...

608
00:45:57,935 --> 00:46:01,396
They're not your sidekicks, Chris.
They're prostitutes and witnesses. Come on.

609
00:46:01,396 --> 00:46:04,106
Sorry. No
offense.

610
00:46:04,315 --> 00:46:07,192
Everybody's just too afraid of your
uncle Ralph to take the job.

611
00:46:07,192 --> 00:46:10,612
- But he's in prison.
- Doesn't matter. He runs the family now.

612
00:46:10,612 --> 00:46:12,863
And he wants
everybody to lay low.

613
00:46:12,863 --> 00:46:16,616
But fortunately for you, Big Tony doesn't
know how to lay low so he's here.

614
00:46:16,616 --> 00:46:20,369
- I don't remember a Big Tony. Is he huge?
- He's ironic.

615
00:46:20,369 --> 00:46:23,788
Five-foot-four,
but mean as shit.

616
00:46:27,541 --> 00:46:30,502
He's got such a hard-
on for killing people.

617
00:46:30,502 --> 00:46:33,837
- He's little, and he kills.
- Right.

618
00:46:34,047 --> 00:46:37,090
Call him "The Tumor".
Who's next?

619
00:46:37,090 --> 00:46:40,510
Alright. We got an ex-Triad
member, looking for work.

620
00:46:40,510 --> 00:46:43,512
Easy! "Genghis
Carnage"! Come on! .

621
00:46:43,512 --> 00:46:48,224
- You gotta quit with the racist stereotypes, Chris.
- Archetypes. Keep going.

622
00:46:48,224 --> 00:46:52,062
- Alright, we got a Katryna Dubrovsky. Yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait, a chick?

623
00:46:52,062 --> 00:46:54,021
- You're saying you hired a chick?
- Yeah.

624
00:46:54,021 --> 00:46:59,191
Former KGB. She was locked up in
the gulag until she ate her cellmate.

625
00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:02,694
"Mother Russia".

626
00:47:02,694 --> 00:47:05,905
Mother Russia and Motherfucker both on
the same team? That doesn't work, Chris.

627
00:47:05,905 --> 00:47:08,240
I am not asking for
suggestions, asshole.

628
00:47:08,240 --> 00:47:11,950
Just get them costumes
and get them ready.

629
00:47:11,950 --> 00:47:15,288
Shit. Javier,
thank you.

630
00:47:15,288 --> 00:47:18,247
I couldn't do
this without you.

631
00:47:18,998 --> 00:47:22,710
You're pretty much like the
only real family I have left.

632
00:47:22,710 --> 00:47:25,379
Not a problem, man.
I got your back.

633
00:47:25,379 --> 00:47:28,798
It's kinda like you're the Alfred
to my evil Bruce Wayne.

634
00:47:28,798 --> 00:47:33,593
- Did you just call me your fucking butler?
- Yeah, is it not a compliment?

635
00:47:33,593 --> 00:47:35,970
Shit. My bad.

636
00:47:39,222 --> 00:47:41,391
There wasn't much
action those nights.

637
00:47:41,391 --> 00:47:45,019
I mean, there was always a
little action, with Night Bitch.

638
00:47:47,480 --> 00:47:51,233
The reality of being a superhero,
is lots of patrols.

639
00:47:51,233 --> 00:47:55,152
But that didn't stop people
from begging to join up.

640
00:47:57,529 --> 00:48:01,949
With all our new members, it
seemed kinda shitty not to ask Todd.

641
00:48:03,450 --> 00:48:06,245
Stop peeking man,
you're gonna ruin it.

642
00:48:06,245 --> 00:48:07,246
Check, it,
out!

643
00:48:10,330 --> 00:48:11,790
You can't fight
crime in that.

644
00:48:11,790 --> 00:48:14,209
You're pants are so tight,
you got frog eye.

645
00:48:14,209 --> 00:48:17,212
- What the hell's frog eye?
- Male cameltoe.

646
00:48:17,212 --> 00:48:20,004
I'm not really sure about these names
you've come up with, either.

647
00:48:20,004 --> 00:48:23,507
Whoop-ass, Kickass-Man,
Doctor Kick-ass?

648
00:48:23,507 --> 00:48:27,261
- Yeah?
- Yeah, they all kinda seem, derivative?

649
00:48:27,261 --> 00:48:32,098
Let me translate that: you can't just
copy Dave's name, you nobgobbler!

650
00:48:32,098 --> 00:48:34,809
Okay, umm...

651
00:48:35,308 --> 00:48:36,643
Oh, wait.

652
00:48:36,643 --> 00:48:40,021
Oh, I got it. I
got it. I got it.

653
00:48:40,605 --> 00:48:41,356
"Ass-kicker".

654
00:48:44,148 --> 00:48:47,110
- Seriously?
- You're such a dick, Marty.

655
00:48:47,110 --> 00:48:49,821
I know this is why you guys don't text
me back. I'm not an actual idiot.

656
00:48:49,821 --> 00:48:53,030
Well, you could've
fooled me, "Ass-licker".

657
00:48:53,573 --> 00:48:56,242
- You know what, screw you guys. No, really.
- Todd.

658
00:48:56,242 --> 00:48:58,661
Fuck you guys. I'm gonna
form my own team.

659
00:48:58,661 --> 00:49:01,246
Todd, wait,
come on!

660
00:49:01,789 --> 00:49:04,957
Todd was right. We
are being dicks.

661
00:49:04,957 --> 00:49:09,627
But the truth is, the only person who
I really wanted on the team was Mindy.

662
00:49:09,627 --> 00:49:13,005
But she was too busy trying
not be a superhero.

663
00:49:13,255 --> 00:49:16,007
Okay, Mind,
he's here.

664
00:49:22,095 --> 00:49:24,805
Your first big date.
How are you feeling?

665
00:49:24,805 --> 00:49:29,852
Like the first time Big Daddy sent me into
a crack den with nothing but a pen knife?

666
00:49:29,852 --> 00:49:32,604
I've got some
butterflies.

667
00:49:33,605 --> 00:49:36,648
You just be yourself and
you let me be nervous.

668
00:49:36,648 --> 00:49:40,235
Don't worry about me. I can kill
a man with his own finger.

669
00:49:40,235 --> 00:49:43,655
A word of advice:
I wouldn't open with that.

670
00:49:47,824 --> 00:49:50,826
Thanks for letting me
finally take you out.

671
00:49:50,826 --> 00:49:54,330
How else was I gonna get
you to stop calling?

672
00:49:54,621 --> 00:49:57,331
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

673
00:50:10,300 --> 00:50:12,719
- Where are we going?
- To a party.

674
00:50:12,719 --> 00:50:15,763
Why is this party in
the middle of nowhere?

675
00:50:15,763 --> 00:50:19,306
Because that's where keg
parties are usually are, right?

676
00:50:32,985 --> 00:50:36,612
- I guess we're the first ones here.
- This isn't where you have a party, moron.

677
00:50:36,612 --> 00:50:39,906
- This is where you dump a dead body.
- What's your problem?

678
00:50:39,906 --> 00:50:41,991
I'm sorry.

679
00:50:42,283 --> 00:50:44,619
I'll stop being
such a bitch.

680
00:50:44,619 --> 00:50:47,913
You actually seem
like a nice guy.

681
00:50:48,581 --> 00:50:50,540
So, umm...

682
00:50:50,540 --> 00:50:52,000
You wanna
hook up?

683
00:50:52,000 --> 00:50:54,209
I'm not a
total idiot.

684
00:50:56,044 --> 00:50:58,672
Simon, get back
in the car.

685
00:50:58,672 --> 00:50:59,715
Now!

686
00:51:09,972 --> 00:51:12,182
Yay! You made it.

687
00:51:12,182 --> 00:51:17,270
- Brooke?
- This, is to celebrate you.

688
00:51:17,270 --> 00:51:19,062
Celebrate?

689
00:51:19,062 --> 00:51:22,523
What a total
loser you are. And...

690
00:51:22,523 --> 00:51:25,401
We ditch
losers.

691
00:51:25,401 --> 00:51:28,779
Poor Mindy.
What did you think?

692
00:51:28,779 --> 00:51:31,572
The cool kids saw something
special in you, and,

693
00:51:31,572 --> 00:51:34,490
invited you to
your first party?

694
00:51:34,490 --> 00:51:39,245
Where you'd sip your first beer and,
finally suck face for the first time?

695
00:51:39,245 --> 00:51:43,498
Newsflash:
You're not special.

696
00:51:45,041 --> 00:51:49,545
Fuck with the queen bee and,
you're gonna get stung.

697
00:51:50,630 --> 00:51:52,590
Date ditch.

698
00:51:53,088 --> 00:51:56,800
Party at
my house!

699
00:52:44,380 --> 00:52:46,172
Dave?

700
00:52:47,090 --> 00:52:49,342
Oh, my
God, Mindy?

701
00:52:49,342 --> 00:52:52,053
Holy shit. What
are you doing?

702
00:52:52,053 --> 00:52:54,097
It's just...

703
00:52:54,097 --> 00:52:57,222
I needed to see
my Robin, I guess.

704
00:52:58,849 --> 00:53:01,226
Are you okay?

705
00:53:07,314 --> 00:53:09,691
I don't know
what to do.

706
00:53:09,691 --> 00:53:12,860
Those girls,
they're...

707
00:53:12,860 --> 00:53:15,154
They're evil.

708
00:53:15,154 --> 00:53:17,448
It's just high school.
Who gives a shit.

709
00:53:17,448 --> 00:53:19,865
You should be out there
in the real world.

710
00:53:19,865 --> 00:53:21,951
Making it
a better place.

711
00:53:21,951 --> 00:53:26,455
- Dave, I can't.
- I know, you promised your dad.

712
00:53:27,789 --> 00:53:30,666
But he's not
here anymore.

713
00:53:30,666 --> 00:53:34,211
This is your life.
You got to live it.

714
00:53:34,836 --> 00:53:39,132
How am I supposed to
face them tomorrow?

715
00:53:39,132 --> 00:53:40,465
I'm so embarrassed.

716
00:53:40,465 --> 00:53:47,305
Why? You're smart, you're
beautiful, you're funny.

717
00:53:48,472 --> 00:53:52,142
You're the strongest person I've
ever met. You can do anything.

718
00:53:52,142 --> 00:53:52,892
And you're
Hit-Girl!

719
00:53:54,561 --> 00:53:57,646
It doesn't matter if you're
wearing a mask or make-up.

720
00:53:57,646 --> 00:54:00,898
That's who you
really are.

721
00:54:00,898 --> 00:54:04,025
So what should I do?
Cut their tongues out?

722
00:54:04,025 --> 00:54:07,486
- No, definitely not.
- I'm fucking with you.

723
00:54:10,197 --> 00:54:13,449
Just beat them at
their own game.

724
00:54:13,449 --> 00:54:16,244
By being
yourself.

725
00:54:23,958 --> 00:54:28,670
Well, if you really wanna be
popular, consider two little words:

726
00:54:28,670 --> 00:54:29,796
Sex tape.

727
00:54:47,393 --> 00:54:50,021
Lois, you don't need
these assholes.

728
00:54:50,021 --> 00:54:53,107
If I can dress like them,
so can you.

729
00:54:53,107 --> 00:54:56,650
It's a gift. From some drug
dealer who went missing.

730
00:54:58,110 --> 00:55:02,280
Just because you dress like us, doesn't
mean that you can be like one of us.

731
00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:05,656
It doesn't matter what costume
I wear, yours or mine.

732
00:55:05,656 --> 00:55:08,659
I'm a superhero.
That's who I am.

733
00:55:08,659 --> 00:55:12,748
Okay, Captain Muffin-muncher.
Have fun playing make-believe.

734
00:55:12,748 --> 00:55:15,207
This, is all make-
believe, Brooke.

735
00:55:15,207 --> 00:55:18,251
The reality is,
you're an evil bitch.

736
00:55:18,251 --> 00:55:21,211
Who's just as bad as
the worst criminal scum.

737
00:55:21,211 --> 00:55:24,798
You wanna get real, Mindy?
In the real world, I win.

738
00:55:24,798 --> 00:55:27,841
I go to an awesome college,
I marry a hot guy,

739
00:55:27,841 --> 00:55:30,302
and I make adorable babies for
my nanny to take care of

740
00:55:30,302 --> 00:55:32,554
while we vacate
in Paris.

741
00:55:32,554 --> 00:55:36,349
My life is gonna rock.
And yours is gonna suck.

742
00:55:36,349 --> 00:55:38,726
And no matter how
slutty you dress,

743
00:55:38,726 --> 00:55:42,354
no boy is ever gonna wanna
kiss that hole you call a mouth.

744
00:55:42,354 --> 00:55:46,023
So why don't you spare us all
the whining and slit your wrists now.

745
00:55:46,023 --> 00:55:50,485
'Cause the only thing that's gonna ruin my
day is looking at your face one more second.

746
00:55:50,485 --> 00:55:51,235
Told her.

747
00:55:54,322 --> 00:55:57,199
What's that? A
ghetto cellphone?

748
00:55:57,199 --> 00:56:00,534
Gonna call for help
with a comeback?

749
00:56:00,534 --> 00:56:04,371
Actually, my daddy bought this
from a disgruntled darpo employee.

750
00:56:04,371 --> 00:56:07,414
You see it was designed for crowd
control but deemed too severe.

751
00:56:07,414 --> 00:56:11,417
It emits a pulse that creates
spontaneous nausea and diarrhea.

752
00:56:12,585 --> 00:56:14,712
He called it
the "sick stick".

753
00:56:14,712 --> 00:56:19,091
Well, either your dad got ripped off, or you're
back in make-believe land, sweetheart.

754
00:56:19,091 --> 00:56:21,300
Because we
feel fabulous.

755
00:56:21,300 --> 00:56:23,426
Not for long.

756
00:56:31,141 --> 00:56:33,977
Oh, my God!

757
00:56:34,770 --> 00:56:37,688
You get away from me.
Please. You win.

758
00:56:37,688 --> 00:56:42,275
I don't want to win. I just want to
make the world a better place.

759
00:57:03,917 --> 00:57:07,921
Is this what you've been up to while I'm out
working nights saving for your college? You've been,

760
00:57:07,921 --> 00:57:12,549
dressing up and fighting people?
There is blood on these stick-things.

761
00:57:13,550 --> 00:57:15,176
What are you doing
in my room?

762
00:57:15,176 --> 00:57:16,218
Dad!

763
00:57:16,218 --> 00:57:17,053
Are you at home?

764
00:57:17,053 --> 00:57:18,429
I was looking for drugs.
I was worried about you.

765
00:57:18,429 --> 00:57:21,682
- Okay, well now you can stop.
- No. Now I'm even more worried.

766
00:57:21,682 --> 00:57:25,852
Jesus, Dave. Drugs would have been
better. This is deranged.

767
00:57:25,852 --> 00:57:28,645
- Some people do a lot worse.
- Oh, the people you hang out with?

768
00:57:28,645 --> 00:57:32,023
No, the people I hang out
with are superheroes.

769
00:57:32,023 --> 00:57:37,110
There is no such thing, Dave. This
is the real world, with real consequences.

770
00:57:37,110 --> 00:57:40,321
- When are you gonna grow up?
- If it means turning into you, never.

771
00:57:40,321 --> 00:57:44,033
I don't wear that mask 'cause I'm
ashamed of who I am. Not like you.

772
00:57:45,408 --> 00:57:48,869
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You're out of work. You're here doing crunches.

773
00:57:48,869 --> 00:57:53,415
Why? So you'd look like someone else?
Maybe get a few more years of doing nothing?

774
00:57:53,415 --> 00:57:57,167
Your life has no meaning, dad.
When you're gone, who's gonna notice?

775
00:57:57,167 --> 00:58:02,088
- Where the hell are you going?
-Oh, I'm leaving. That's what you do when you grow up.

776
00:58:09,011 --> 00:58:11,512
Did he say why
he wanted to see me?

777
00:58:11,512 --> 00:58:15,140
When your uncle Ralph
calls, don't ask questions.

778
00:58:17,808 --> 00:58:20,185
That's the kid?

779
00:58:20,811 --> 00:58:24,690
Chris, just be cool
and you'll be fine.

780
00:58:28,775 --> 00:58:31,861
- Hey, how you doing?
- Good, Uncle Ralph.

781
00:58:31,861 --> 00:58:36,699
Listen, Chris things have been tough
all around since your dad, you know....

782
00:58:40,035 --> 00:58:45,414
- Uncle Ralph, they record these things.
- It's fine. The warden's a pal.

783
00:58:45,414 --> 00:58:50,668
Now listen to me. It's okay to have a bit of fun.
But you can't go hiring a gang of heavy-hitters.

784
00:58:50,668 --> 00:58:54,255
- Javier should have told you.
- It doesn't matter.

785
00:58:54,255 --> 00:58:58,132
Uncle Ralph, I am gonna make Kick-Ass
pay for what he did to us.

786
00:58:58,132 --> 00:59:01,384
Chris, you need to
forget that punk.

787
00:59:01,384 --> 00:59:06,681
It's more important that you stay out of this.
You're not like me, or your dad. You're, uhh...

788
00:59:07,265 --> 00:59:09,559
Special.

789
00:59:12,685 --> 00:59:15,897
You can't tell me
what to do anymore.

790
00:59:16,272 --> 00:59:22,151
- I know who I am now.
- Oh, yeah? And who's that?

791
00:59:22,151 --> 00:59:23,194
The Motherfucker.

792
00:59:28,990 --> 00:59:32,325
You think you're the
big bad guy, huh?

793
00:59:33,201 --> 00:59:36,997
Let me show you what
real evil looks like.

794
00:59:46,170 --> 00:59:47,922
<i>Hello?</i>

795
00:59:48,255 --> 00:59:51,966
- Javier, what's going on?
- Chris, what's up?

796
00:59:51,966 --> 00:59:57,054
What are you doing on Lou's phone, huh? You
dropped yours in the toilet again? Everything okay?

797
01:00:20,698 --> 01:00:24,534
Thank you for that.
I needed it.

798
01:00:25,326 --> 01:00:28,496
- For what comes next.
- Don't be stupid, Chris.

799
01:00:28,496 --> 01:00:31,373
Just get out of town for a while.
Go to college or something.

800
01:00:31,373 --> 01:00:36,793
Why? You just taught me
everything I needed to know.

801
01:00:42,422 --> 01:00:47,635
Voila! Presto and
alaca-damn!

802
01:00:47,635 --> 01:00:51,221
Them boys designed a
very tasty logo.

803
01:00:54,516 --> 01:00:57,142
What's the matter, girl?
Do you hear something?

804
01:00:58,519 --> 01:01:01,521
Come on, let's go
see. Come on!

805
01:01:06,317 --> 01:01:08,944
Anybody
out here?

806
01:01:10,195 --> 01:01:12,488
I don't
see anything.

807
01:01:13,114 --> 01:01:16,742
You'll have to stay in there until
you calm down, you lunatic.

808
01:01:21,120 --> 01:01:23,372
I wonder what's
bothering you.

809
01:01:23,372 --> 01:01:28,167
I know. Tonight,
you die.

810
01:01:28,167 --> 01:01:31,795
- Ladies first.
- You will not shoot me.

811
01:01:31,795 --> 01:01:36,841
You are superhero. You help
people. You do not hurt them.

812
01:01:36,841 --> 01:01:39,384
That's supervillain territory.
Or as I call my little gang,

813
01:01:39,384 --> 01:01:44,471
- The "Toxic Mega-Cunts".
- Hi.

814
01:01:49,559 --> 01:01:52,603
Yeah, like
your head.

815
01:02:04,946 --> 01:02:07,573
That's gotta hurt.

816
01:02:19,374 --> 01:02:22,293
I did my homework
on you, Colonel.

817
01:02:22,585 --> 01:02:29,341
You used to be Sal Bertolinni, didn't you? Did a few
jobs for my dad back in the day before you got born again.

818
01:02:29,341 --> 01:02:33,301
I used to hang with,
a lot of losers.

819
01:02:33,927 --> 01:02:38,348
Is this how you thought you'd die, Sal?
Dressed like an idiot?

820
01:02:39,891 --> 01:02:43,852
- Who are you supposed to be?
- I'm The Motherfucker!

821
01:02:43,852 --> 01:02:47,313
And I'm here to end Kick-
Ass. Not just kill him,

822
01:02:51,692 --> 01:02:54,819
Let's trash this
place, guys.

823
01:03:00,908 --> 01:03:03,409
Miranda Swedlow.

824
01:03:03,911 --> 01:03:08,413
Who's that, Sal? She one of
the whores on your team?

825
01:03:21,298 --> 01:03:25,093
Night Bitch. All snuggled
up to Kick-Ass.

826
01:03:25,093 --> 01:03:28,929
Looks like our boy's
got a new hot pocket!

827
01:03:29,513 --> 01:03:31,765
Want me to
kill his dog?

828
01:03:31,765 --> 01:03:35,393
The dog? Jesus Christ,
I'm not that evil.

829
01:03:36,601 --> 01:03:40,605
Cut the old man's head off.
Are you guys hungry? I'm starving.

830
01:03:40,605 --> 01:03:43,066
- Come on.
- Pizza, can we get pizza?

831
01:03:43,066 --> 01:03:44,484
We're getting pizza.

832
01:03:44,484 --> 01:03:48,361
Don't worry.
I kill you first.

833
01:03:50,279 --> 01:03:54,533
Justice,
Forever...

834
01:03:54,533 --> 01:03:57,785
A Brooklyn resident was found
decapitated last night.

835
01:03:57,785 --> 01:04:01,121
According to Twitter, a man claiming
to be the world's first supervillain...

836
01:04:01,121 --> 01:04:04,707
I told you, no TV. You're
grounded, remember?

837
01:04:04,707 --> 01:04:06,876
Marcus, I know I
made you a promise.

838
01:04:06,876 --> 01:04:10,628
But I can't keep being someone I'm not.
When I see evil, I have to stop it.

839
01:04:10,628 --> 01:04:13,631
Mindy what you did to those girls
at school, was unacceptable.

840
01:04:13,631 --> 01:04:15,925
- You could've really hurt them.
- You're right. I could have.

841
01:04:15,925 --> 01:04:20,177
But instead, I sent them home
with tummy aches. Boo-fucking-hoo!

842
01:04:20,177 --> 01:04:23,180
This obsession that you
have with revenge is not healthy.

843
01:04:23,180 --> 01:04:26,558
If you don't let me, and the police do our jobs, then
there's gonna be nothing that I can do for you.

844
01:04:26,558 --> 01:04:29,768
You're never gonna have a normal life, and
you'll probably end up like your father.

845
01:04:29,768 --> 01:04:33,187
Marcus, they cut a guy's head off.
Who else is going to stop them?

846
01:04:33,187 --> 01:04:36,065
Kick-Ass?
You?

847
01:04:36,065 --> 01:04:38,985
You go to your room
and do your homework.

848
01:04:48,158 --> 01:04:49,910
Now!

849
01:04:52,995 --> 01:04:57,249
Hey, guys. We're signing a sympathy
card for the Colonel's sister.

850
01:04:57,249 --> 01:05:01,626
You wanna go 5 bucks each so we
can send flowers from the team?

851
01:05:03,211 --> 01:05:07,173
- Did you guys see The Motherfucker's Twitter page?
- Who is this guy? And what's his problem with us?

852
01:05:07,173 --> 01:05:10,009
I don't know, man, but he
has got some elephant-sized balls.

853
01:05:10,009 --> 01:05:12,802
He's been bragging on the web
about what they did to the Colonel.

854
01:05:12,802 --> 01:05:16,888
- Can that be traced?
- I tried. His IP address is masked.

855
01:05:17,140 --> 01:05:22,019
Alright, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna organize a fight.
There're a lot of guys online who's said they're in if we need them.

856
01:05:22,019 --> 01:05:24,645
Are you kidding me? This
isn't West Side Story.

857
01:05:24,645 --> 01:05:27,772
We didn't join up to be in a gang.
We did it so we could help people.

858
01:05:27,772 --> 01:05:30,191
Sharon's right. We need to
leave this to the cops.

859
01:05:30,191 --> 01:05:35,236
Well we better start walking in pairs. The Motherfucker's
tweeted that the Colonel was just the beginning.

860
01:05:35,862 --> 01:05:38,990
Anybody seen
Night Bitch?

861
01:05:48,830 --> 01:05:54,752
- You sure she's on their team?
- Stupid gash. It's posted on a superhero page that she's dating Kick-Ass.

862
01:05:54,752 --> 01:05:57,628
So, yeah, I'm
damn sure.

863
01:06:00,716 --> 01:06:03,092
Hello, Night Bitch!

864
01:06:05,302 --> 01:06:07,720
I think she wants to
take the party upstairs!

865
01:06:07,720 --> 01:06:09,806
We're gonna
have a party.

866
01:06:09,806 --> 01:06:13,059
She closed
the door!

867
01:06:16,810 --> 01:06:21,982
Don't worry, darling. I'm not gonna kill you. I
want you to give a message to your boyfriend.

868
01:06:25,277 --> 01:06:26,694
Let go!

869
01:06:26,694 --> 01:06:29,363
You're done banging
superheroes, baby!

870
01:06:29,363 --> 01:06:33,492
It's time to see what
evil dick feels like.

871
01:06:39,746 --> 01:06:41,706
Shit!

872
01:06:41,706 --> 01:06:43,957
What's wrong?

873
01:06:45,459 --> 01:06:47,669
What are
you doing?

874
01:06:49,629 --> 01:06:51,546
Come on!

875
01:06:52,507 --> 01:06:56,134
God, okay, I'm just...
I'm not in the mood!

876
01:06:56,134 --> 01:06:58,637
I guess evil
dick feels limp.

877
01:06:58,637 --> 01:06:59,888
Hurt her.

878
01:07:02,555 --> 01:07:05,058
Cops are
coming.

879
01:07:05,058 --> 01:07:08,561
Leave it to Mother Russia.
She makes ten times what we do.

880
01:07:08,561 --> 01:07:13,481
Fifty thousand per
week, plus expenses.

881
01:07:13,815 --> 01:07:16,025
Watch out!

882
01:07:35,832 --> 01:07:38,125
Reverse it,
reverse it!

883
01:07:39,210 --> 01:07:40,878
Damn!

884
01:07:47,258 --> 01:07:49,385
Don't move!
Freeze!

885
01:07:54,513 --> 01:07:58,266
Fifty thousand.
She's worth it!

886
01:08:05,938 --> 01:08:10,109
Why is he backing up? Why's
there a lawnmower on the trunk?

887
01:08:21,326 --> 01:08:23,828
We need back-up!
Eight men down!

888
01:08:23,828 --> 01:08:27,039
I think you
mean ten.

889
01:08:35,878 --> 01:08:37,297
Let's bounce!

890
01:08:37,297 --> 01:08:41,801
Put the word out. I'm building an evil army.
All psychopaths and ex-cons welcome.

891
01:08:41,801 --> 01:08:45,553
I don't think you can have a problem,
when people hear about this.

892
01:08:49,682 --> 01:08:51,766
They just
disappeared?

893
01:08:51,766 --> 01:08:56,353
All they have to do is take off their masks. No one's
gonna recognize them once they're back in their street clothes.

894
01:08:56,353 --> 01:08:58,188
Your attention, please!

895
01:08:58,188 --> 01:09:02,317
Feds traced the IP addresses for
all those other costumed freaks.

896
01:09:02,317 --> 01:09:06,279
Now we got every law enforcement agency
in the state working to hit them at once.

897
01:09:06,279 --> 01:09:09,196
Why is Kick-Ass on this list?
His crew does community service.

898
01:09:09,196 --> 01:09:12,575
I don't give a shit! Anyone wearing
a mask, is getting detained.

899
01:09:12,575 --> 01:09:15,077
We're putting an
end to this tonight!

900
01:09:15,077 --> 01:09:18,705
A lot of people have said the cops
were too heavy-handed that night.

901
01:09:19,705 --> 01:09:22,499
But you gotta
put it in context.

902
01:09:23,167 --> 01:09:25,710
The police didn't mind our
real-life superhero stuff

903
01:09:26,002 --> 01:09:29,628
as long as we were picking up litter,
or helping old ladies cross the street.

904
01:09:30,921 --> 01:09:33,717
But suddenly,
it was serious.

905
01:09:34,009 --> 01:09:38,553
Suddenly we represented everything
that was wrong with society.

906
01:09:39,971 --> 01:09:44,266
Dad had warned me that the
real world had real consequences.

907
01:09:44,266 --> 01:09:48,394
Once they pulled up, he must've been
feeling pretty damn vindicated.

908
01:09:49,978 --> 01:09:53,982
Shit, Dave, what
have you done?

909
01:09:57,110 --> 01:09:59,445
Police, open up!

910
01:10:02,822 --> 01:10:05,658
- Hey.
- Hi.

911
01:10:05,658 --> 01:10:06,408
Me, Kick-Ass?

912
01:10:13,289 --> 01:10:16,792
You're actually pretty
cute under that mask.

913
01:10:16,792 --> 01:10:19,795
I'm so sorry about
what happened.

914
01:10:19,795 --> 01:10:20,671
Don't be.

915
01:10:22,505 --> 01:10:27,217
- It's my own fault.
- We're gonna find these assholes and make this right.

916
01:10:27,217 --> 01:10:30,220
What's the point?

917
01:10:30,553 --> 01:10:34,765
I mean we're really superheroes
but as much as we're really dating.

918
01:10:34,765 --> 01:10:37,683
We don't even know
each other's names.

919
01:10:38,559 --> 01:10:42,146
I think it's time to get
back to the real world.

920
01:10:42,146 --> 01:10:45,773
I thought we were trying to
make it a better place.

921
01:10:46,398 --> 01:10:49,235
Then why is
it worse?

922
01:10:50,236 --> 01:10:55,239
Maybe Night Bitch was right.
Which means Dad was, too.

923
01:10:55,572 --> 01:10:58,992
I mean, things have
gone out of hand.

924
01:10:58,992 --> 01:11:03,329
Maybe it was time for me to stop crashing
at Marty's, and start apologizing.

925
01:11:13,837 --> 01:11:15,463
Dad?

926
01:11:16,129 --> 01:11:18,215
- That's my Dad!
- Your dad's Kick-Ass?

927
01:11:18,215 --> 01:11:21,176
- What?
- Yeah, he just gave himself up.

928
01:11:22,678 --> 01:11:26,513
You don't understand. He's
doing this to protect me. Dad!

929
01:11:26,888 --> 01:11:28,723
Dad!
What...

930
01:11:45,404 --> 01:11:47,697
- Mindy? I need your help.
- Dave?

931
01:11:47,697 --> 01:11:51,117
My dad's been arrested. They think he's
Kick-Ass. Can you talk to Marcus?

932
01:11:51,117 --> 01:11:52,617
- I'm grounded.
- So?

933
01:11:52,617 --> 01:11:54,828
So that means I
can't get involved.

934
01:11:54,828 --> 01:11:56,871
- Okay, look.
- I wish I could help.

935
01:11:56,871 --> 01:11:58,872
Mindy, are you
on the phone?

936
01:11:58,872 --> 01:12:02,834
- Look, I got to go, okay? I'm sorry, Dave.
- Mindy, wait, wait.

937
01:12:15,803 --> 01:12:19,597
- Hey, what the hell are you thinking?
- Yeah? I can ask you the same thing.

938
01:12:19,597 --> 01:12:23,057
- I can't believe you lied to them.
- I'm not supposed to do nothing while you went to jail.

939
01:12:23,057 --> 01:12:26,604
I chose this. You should let me
deal with the consequences.

940
01:12:26,604 --> 01:12:31,606
- I thought you wanted me to grow up.
- Well when you get a kid of your own one day, you'll understand.

941
01:12:31,606 --> 01:12:34,984
- I'mma tell them the truth.
- No, hey, it'll just make things worse. Look,

942
01:12:34,984 --> 01:12:38,738
I spoke to my attorney, and he said
they gotta let me out by tomorrow.

943
01:12:38,738 --> 01:12:41,989
No actual crimes
committed.

944
01:12:42,948 --> 01:12:47,618
There are people out there
who wanna kill Kick-Ass.

945
01:12:47,618 --> 01:12:49,705
Well, the cops are
out there looking for them.

946
01:12:49,705 --> 01:12:53,708
So the safest place for Kick-
Ass is right here, locked away.

947
01:12:53,708 --> 01:12:56,292
Dave I don't know how
you got into all this shit but,

948
01:12:56,292 --> 01:13:00,546
you got to promise me that you
will never dress up in that outfit again.

949
01:13:00,546 --> 01:13:03,505
You hear me?

950
01:13:09,470 --> 01:13:12,263
I promise.

951
01:13:19,853 --> 01:13:23,022
This evil
lair owns!

952
01:13:23,022 --> 01:13:27,150
- Do people still say that? "Own"?
- Yeah, of course.

953
01:13:27,150 --> 01:13:30,695
- Your shark, something's wrong.
- I think it's the wrong kind of water.

954
01:13:30,695 --> 01:13:33,196
- What the hell, Eyal?
- It's fine, Chris.

955
01:13:33,196 --> 01:13:37,783
They're supposed to lie at the bottom of the tank. It's
just their way of, how you say, settling into their environment.

956
01:13:37,783 --> 01:13:42,454
Don't screw me on this, okay? You said we'd be
running in two days, we don't even have a men's wing yet.

957
01:13:42,454 --> 01:13:43,746
Don't worry.

958
01:13:43,746 --> 01:13:47,583
- What's with the bags of shit?
- It's fertilizer for the bombs!

959
01:13:47,583 --> 01:13:50,668
You're not a supervillain if you don't
have a plan to destroy the city.

960
01:13:50,668 --> 01:13:53,671
It will not work. You
need the chemical kind.

961
01:13:53,671 --> 01:13:56,881
Do I have to do everything
myself? Just fix it.

962
01:13:56,881 --> 01:14:00,635
You must relax. Everything
is going as planned.

963
01:14:00,885 --> 01:14:03,678
No, no, no. Except
that it's not, okay?

964
01:14:03,678 --> 01:14:08,475
That sad sack is not Kick-Ass.
I've seen Kick-Ass, he's at my age.

965
01:14:08,808 --> 01:14:13,020
- That guy is old enough to be his father.
- No shit, right?

966
01:14:13,020 --> 01:14:15,605
I'm sorry,
who are you?

967
01:14:15,605 --> 01:14:18,690
I volunteered for your army,
like the others.

968
01:14:18,690 --> 01:14:22,443
Right, I appreciate that. Thanks
for joining the cause.

969
01:14:22,443 --> 01:14:26,030
This is the VIP area
for the core group.

970
01:14:26,030 --> 01:14:30,283
I just thought it's funny you said that.
Because he is Kick-Ass' father.

971
01:14:30,283 --> 01:14:33,870
- Who?
- Mr. Lizewski, he's Kick-Ass' dad.

972
01:14:34,162 --> 01:14:38,206
- Shut up!
- Yeah.

973
01:14:38,206 --> 01:14:41,291
- You're not telling anyone?
- No!

974
01:14:41,291 --> 01:14:46,171
But you, my friend, have just
earned lifetime access to my VIP area.

975
01:14:46,171 --> 01:14:48,631
Go take a
seat. Alright?

976
01:14:48,631 --> 01:14:53,218
Hey, get the kid a Frappuchino. Let me
put his little punk ass back to work.

977
01:14:57,264 --> 01:14:58,930
Okay.

978
01:14:59,639 --> 01:15:01,558
Come on.

979
01:15:13,985 --> 01:15:17,988
- Can I help you?
- The Motherfucker wants us to take a picture with you.

980
01:15:18,863 --> 01:15:20,990
Helps that my dad is
a really good lawyer.

981
01:15:20,990 --> 01:15:25,244
I don't think my beautiful ass would
last too long in prison.

982
01:15:25,244 --> 01:15:29,330
That's weird. Chris D'Amico
just texted me a picture.

983
01:15:29,330 --> 01:15:33,500
Red Mist? Whatever
happened to that guy?

984
01:15:38,879 --> 01:15:40,755
What is it?

985
01:15:40,755 --> 01:15:43,133
Dude, what's wrong?

986
01:16:02,313 --> 01:16:05,607
The next few days
passed in a fog.

987
01:16:06,651 --> 01:16:10,446
It didn't matter that I told
the police about Chris.

988
01:16:10,446 --> 01:16:12,697
They couldn't
find him.

989
01:16:13,530 --> 01:16:16,825
The cops did show up
at dad's funeral.

990
01:16:16,825 --> 01:16:20,954
Not out of respect, but because they
were scared that something would happen.

991
01:16:21,912 --> 01:16:24,290
My dad was
a decent man.

992
01:16:24,290 --> 01:16:28,168
All he ever did was
try and give me a good life.

993
01:16:28,168 --> 01:16:31,128
And I told him no one would
notice when he was gone.

994
01:16:31,128 --> 01:16:33,673
I love you, pal.

995
01:16:33,923 --> 01:16:36,758
I love you
too, Dad.

996
01:16:43,055 --> 01:16:44,681
You guys came.

997
01:16:44,681 --> 01:16:48,432
We would love to help you track
down this Chris D'Amico d-bag, but,

998
01:16:48,432 --> 01:16:50,935
we just got
out on parole.

999
01:16:50,935 --> 01:16:55,065
No, it's fine. I'm not
looking for revenge.

1000
01:16:55,065 --> 01:16:58,776
The last thing I promised my dad,
was that I was gonna give this up.

1001
01:16:58,776 --> 01:17:01,444
And that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

1002
01:17:01,444 --> 01:17:03,821
But you started this.

1003
01:17:03,821 --> 01:17:06,698
And now I'm
ending it.

1004
01:17:14,330 --> 01:17:16,456
Dave, I'm
so sorry.

1005
01:17:16,456 --> 01:17:18,832
Do you hate me
for not helping?

1006
01:17:18,832 --> 01:17:23,170
No, not even a little bit.
You were right.

1007
01:17:23,170 --> 01:17:25,421
You gave
it up.

1008
01:17:25,421 --> 01:17:30,092
If I had too, my dad
would still be alive.

1009
01:17:31,384 --> 01:17:34,178
The only person I
blame is myself.

1010
01:17:48,481 --> 01:17:50,357
That's him!

1011
01:17:52,400 --> 01:17:54,568
Get down!

1012
01:17:57,738 --> 01:17:58,489
Mindy!

1013
01:18:14,126 --> 01:18:16,169
- Over here!
- Dave!

1014
01:18:23,299 --> 01:18:24,843
Come on!

1015
01:18:24,843 --> 01:18:26,469
Oh my God!

1016
01:18:30,306 --> 01:18:31,974
Get him!

1017
01:18:31,974 --> 01:18:35,101
Get that car
over here.

1018
01:18:40,146 --> 01:18:41,898
Mindy!

1019
01:18:42,232 --> 01:18:43,315
Mindy!

1020
01:18:52,282 --> 01:18:53,699
Mindy!

1021
01:18:59,705 --> 01:19:02,248
You're gonna
put this on.

1022
01:19:06,542 --> 01:19:07,418
I'm not gonna
do it.

1023
01:19:09,795 --> 01:19:13,339
There's nothing that you
can do to hurt me.

1024
01:19:15,340 --> 01:19:17,676
You wanna bet?

1025
01:19:22,888 --> 01:19:26,433
Game on,
cocksuckers.

1026
01:19:28,809 --> 01:19:30,686
There's a girl
on the roof!

1027
01:19:43,655 --> 01:19:45,949
She's still
up there!

1028
01:20:02,003 --> 01:20:05,214
- I think I got her.
- Go check!

1029
01:20:14,013 --> 01:20:16,973
Get out there!

1030
01:21:01,424 --> 01:21:04,677
Pull over,
pukeface.

1031
01:21:07,304 --> 01:21:10,390
We know Chris D'Amico's The
Motherfucker. Where is he hiding?

1032
01:21:10,390 --> 01:21:12,682
- Eat a dick!
- You're gonna eat yours if you don't start talking.

1033
01:21:12,682 --> 01:21:14,936
Go ahead and shoot me,
you little bitch.

1034
01:21:14,936 --> 01:21:18,271
There's nothing you can
do that'll make me talk.

1035
01:21:18,271 --> 01:21:22,733
Hold on. I can't do this right
now. It's my dad's funeral.

1036
01:21:22,733 --> 01:21:25,944
Dave, your father loved you.

1037
01:21:27,487 --> 01:21:30,614
Just like my daddy loved me.
And I know it hurts.

1038
01:21:30,824 --> 01:21:35,701
But maybe-maybe that's the
real meaning of being a superhero.

1039
01:21:36,035 --> 01:21:40,289
It's taking that pain and turning
it into something good.

1040
01:21:40,581 --> 01:21:43,042
Something right.

1041
01:21:43,042 --> 01:21:45,918
Remember what
you told me?

1042
01:21:45,918 --> 01:21:50,213
"This is your life.
You got to live it."

1043
01:21:50,797 --> 01:21:55,467
Now help me find some pliers.
I'm gonna make this guy eat his own dick.

1044
01:21:55,467 --> 01:21:56,343
Seriously?

1045
01:21:59,595 --> 01:22:01,138
- Hello?
- Marcus?

1046
01:22:01,138 --> 01:22:03,640
Mindy, what's going on?
Are you okay?

1047
01:22:03,640 --> 01:22:06,684
I'm fine. We know where
The Motherfucker's hiding.

1048
01:22:06,684 --> 01:22:09,728
He recruiting an army of supervillains
and making homemade bombs.

1049
01:22:09,728 --> 01:22:11,522
Marcus, he wants to
burn the city down.

1050
01:22:11,522 --> 01:22:15,732
- You promised me.
- I know you see me as this little girl.

1051
01:22:15,732 --> 01:22:18,485
But I'm not, and
I never was.

1052
01:22:18,485 --> 01:22:21,946
You're right. Daddy did
take my childhood away.

1053
01:22:21,946 --> 01:22:24,115
But I'm not so sure
that was a bad thing.

1054
01:22:24,115 --> 01:22:29,034
Marcus, he gave me a gift. A gift that
I can't escape no matter how hard I try.

1055
01:22:29,034 --> 01:22:33,455
Allow me to spend the next four years
of my life trying to figure out who I am.

1056
01:22:33,455 --> 01:22:36,250
Because I
already know.

1057
01:22:38,334 --> 01:22:39,085
I'm Hit-Girl.

1058
01:22:40,711 --> 01:22:44,589
(updating status)

1059
01:22:44,965 --> 01:22:49,676
Posted the address. You think
they'll show? Chris has an army.

1060
01:22:49,676 --> 01:22:54,514
These real-life superdweebs have been
waiting their whole lives for a call like this.

1061
01:23:04,147 --> 01:23:08,066
- You okay?
- Wha-Yeah. No, I'm-I'm fine.

1062
01:23:08,066 --> 01:23:11,444
Here, take this.

1063
01:23:11,776 --> 01:23:14,195
Last resort really
isn't my style.

1064
01:23:14,195 --> 01:23:16,906
Dave, this isn't
a comic book.

1065
01:23:16,906 --> 01:23:21,785
Real people are gonna die tonight.
My Daddy was prepared for anything.

1066
01:23:22,160 --> 01:23:24,371
Are you?

1067
01:23:28,875 --> 01:23:29,657
Yeah.

1068
01:23:31,792 --> 01:23:32,574
I am.

1069
01:23:41,509 --> 01:23:44,178
They should be
back by now.

1070
01:23:44,178 --> 01:23:48,307
It's definitely dead. It says on the internet,
you're supposed keep it on freshwater.

1071
01:23:48,307 --> 01:23:53,226
It is just hungry.
We must feed it.

1072
01:23:53,893 --> 01:23:55,644
Why are you
looking at me?

1073
01:23:55,644 --> 01:23:58,148
Oh, we gotta get
this shit started!

1074
01:23:59,691 --> 01:24:03,026
Have I got a show
for you, bitches!

1075
01:24:05,945 --> 01:24:06,946
(Motherfucker!)

1076
01:24:11,158 --> 01:24:16,203
Alright, party people!
We are gonna kill Kick-Ass,

1077
01:24:16,203 --> 01:24:19,956
the very first superhero.
Together.

1078
01:24:19,956 --> 01:24:25,210
We are gonna cut him up into little
pieces and feed that shit to MC Shark,

1079
01:24:25,210 --> 01:24:29,464
and post it all over YouTube.
For reals!

1080
01:24:30,507 --> 01:24:33,091
- He's kidding, right?
- Motherfucker don't kid.

1081
01:24:33,091 --> 01:24:39,430
That's not it. I'm gonna give each and
every one of you, party favor fertilizer bombs.

1082
01:24:39,430 --> 01:24:42,850
And we are gonna get our riot on!
That's what it means to be evil.

1083
01:24:42,850 --> 01:24:46,142
We, my friends, are
the real one percent.

1084
01:24:46,142 --> 01:24:49,896
And tonight we're gonna fuck
this city up, or my name is not---

1085
01:24:49,896 --> 01:24:53,316
Chris D'Amico!

1086
01:24:53,649 --> 01:24:56,108
That is not
my name!

1087
01:24:57,777 --> 01:24:59,862
No, you're right.

1088
01:24:59,862 --> 01:25:03,573
Your new name's
Little Bitch.

1089
01:25:05,951 --> 01:25:08,245
Oh, this
is perfect.

1090
01:25:08,494 --> 01:25:11,372
Are you really
that stupid?

1091
01:25:11,372 --> 01:25:16,792
There's two of you, and
a whole army of us.

1092
01:25:17,751 --> 01:25:21,380
Do you really have
such a hard-on to die?

1093
01:25:21,380 --> 01:25:25,508
No, that's why we
brought our friends.

1094
01:25:56,449 --> 01:25:59,951
What's the matter, Chris?
Shit hit your shorts?

1095
01:25:59,951 --> 01:26:04,580
Yeah. And I'm gonna wipe
my ass with your face.

1096
01:26:05,581 --> 01:26:09,209
You're gonna pay for what
you did to my dad.

1097
01:26:09,501 --> 01:26:11,085
Your dad?

1098
01:26:11,085 --> 01:26:14,587
You blew up my dad
with a bazooka!

1099
01:26:46,989 --> 01:26:49,324
Are you ready to
die, little girl?

1100
01:26:49,324 --> 01:26:54,119
I might be, if I have to keep looking
at that shit stain you call a face.

1101
01:28:00,275 --> 01:28:04,446
Hold him down! I want to see
what his guts look like.

1102
01:28:08,364 --> 01:28:11,826
That's enough
from you boys.

1103
01:28:13,828 --> 01:28:16,372
Nicely done,
sweetheart.

1104
01:28:24,669 --> 01:28:25,712
That all you got?

1105
01:28:25,712 --> 01:28:28,548
No, I got my lethal
Zero-G device.

1106
01:28:28,548 --> 01:28:30,841
Bullshit.

1107
01:28:31,507 --> 01:28:33,926
No shit.

1108
01:28:48,938 --> 01:28:50,565
Are you okay?

1109
01:28:51,857 --> 01:28:55,152
Yeah, thanks.
"Ass-kicker".

1110
01:28:57,112 --> 01:28:59,239
Nice.

1111
01:30:05,269 --> 01:30:07,939
Jesus, you're
such a pussy.

1112
01:30:07,939 --> 01:30:11,816
What is the point of wearing a mask
if you can't do what you want?

1113
01:30:17,362 --> 01:30:19,364
I wanted to
do good.

1114
01:30:19,656 --> 01:30:22,617
No, people want
to win the lottery.

1115
01:30:22,617 --> 01:30:26,035
People want, to fuck
Scarlett Johansson.

1116
01:30:36,002 --> 01:30:40,714
You think you can kill
me, with little needle?

1117
01:30:58,853 --> 01:31:01,855
That's not
what it's for.

1118
01:31:04,358 --> 01:31:07,278
It's called
adrenaline, bitch.

1119
01:31:07,695 --> 01:31:09,821
What was that?
A cheap shot?

1120
01:31:09,821 --> 01:31:12,864
That, was
for the colonel.

1121
01:31:18,328 --> 01:31:20,870
That's for
Night Bitch.

1122
01:31:27,376 --> 01:31:30,336
And that's
for my dad.

1123
01:31:59,818 --> 01:32:00,757
(speaking Russian)

1124
01:32:04,947 --> 01:32:09,410
- What the hell are you doing?
- Saving your whiny ass.

1125
01:32:09,410 --> 01:32:13,454
No, I won't let you foul this.
I'd rather die!

1126
01:32:13,454 --> 01:32:17,916
What is wrong with you, dude?
This is not a comic book, it's real-life!

1127
01:32:17,916 --> 01:32:21,419
When you're dead, it's done!
There's no sequel.

1128
01:32:21,419 --> 01:32:26,422
You made this real. You started
it! Now I'm gonna finish it.

1129
01:32:26,422 --> 01:32:30,801
I'll be immortal,
like an evil Jesus.

1130
01:32:40,225 --> 01:32:42,311
Wait!

1131
01:32:56,153 --> 01:32:59,365
Dave! I'm
so sorry.

1132
01:33:06,871 --> 01:33:09,664
The feeling was,
indescribable.

1133
01:33:09,664 --> 01:33:12,501
Chris D'Amico,
dead.

1134
01:33:12,959 --> 01:33:16,420
His wanna-be supervillains,
defeated.

1135
01:33:17,629 --> 01:33:21,216
But did we make the
world a better place?

1136
01:33:21,758 --> 01:33:27,346
Or did we just finish something that began,
when I first put on this mask?

1137
01:33:29,222 --> 01:33:31,807
The cops
are coming.

1138
01:33:31,807 --> 01:33:36,520
They'll take care of the bad guys.
We better skedaddle before they get here.

1139
01:33:37,645 --> 01:33:39,188
- We did it.
- Fuck, yeah.

1140
01:33:39,188 --> 01:33:41,439
Hey, language.

1141
01:33:41,439 --> 01:33:46,903
You're right. If we're gonna dress like
heroes, we should act like heroes.

1142
01:33:46,903 --> 01:33:49,196
He'd be proud
of you, Dave.

1143
01:33:49,946 --> 01:33:52,324
He'd be proud
of all of us.

1144
01:33:53,742 --> 01:33:56,702
You know we can never
do this again, right?

1145
01:33:58,663 --> 01:34:00,621
It's over.

1146
01:34:03,374 --> 01:34:06,335
One last time.

1147
01:34:09,380 --> 01:34:11,797
What do you say,
Hit-Girl?

1148
01:34:11,797 --> 01:34:12,673
You in?

1149
01:34:14,341 --> 01:34:15,341
Why the
hell not?

1150
01:34:18,344 --> 01:34:21,429
Justice Forever!

1151
01:34:32,980 --> 01:34:37,025
Thanks for the ride.
I'll see you at school.

1152
01:34:38,986 --> 01:34:41,778
I'm leaving New
York, Dave.

1153
01:34:41,778 --> 01:34:46,032
I can't go home. I can't put
Marcus in that position.

1154
01:34:46,032 --> 01:34:49,160
Why, he won't arrest you.
You've just saved the city.

1155
01:34:49,160 --> 01:34:51,663
Yeah, well, I also killed 6
guys with a cop's gun.

1156
01:34:51,663 --> 01:34:54,956
Vigilantes don't
get a free pass.

1157
01:34:54,956 --> 01:34:57,624
You can't go.

1158
01:34:57,624 --> 01:35:03,337
- People need you.
- They've got you now.

1159
01:35:03,963 --> 01:35:05,798
I'm not
like you.

1160
01:35:05,798 --> 01:35:10,010
You don't have to be a badass
to be a superhero, Dave.

1161
01:35:11,261 --> 01:35:14,179
You just have
to be brave.

1162
01:35:25,689 --> 01:35:27,940
What was that?

1163
01:35:29,483 --> 01:35:32,528
That was my
first kiss.

1164
01:35:33,320 --> 01:35:37,114
Be nice or I'll rip your ass
out through your mouth.

1165
01:35:43,746 --> 01:35:45,829
When Mindy left,

1166
01:35:45,829 --> 01:35:49,374
that's when I finally understood
where my life was going.

1167
01:35:50,375 --> 01:35:52,918
Just like it had to
eventually happen.

1168
01:35:52,918 --> 01:35:56,755
When real people try
to be superheroes,

1169
01:35:56,755 --> 01:36:00,090
eventually, it
had to end, too.

1170
01:36:15,812 --> 01:36:19,439
Superheroes can't exist in
the real world for a reason.

1171
01:36:19,731 --> 01:36:24,526
It's because the real world,
needs real heroes.

1172
01:36:24,526 --> 01:36:27,821
And not some punk in a
wetsuit playing dress-up.

1173
01:36:28,321 --> 01:36:30,907
But a genuine badass...

1174
01:36:30,907 --> 01:36:34,034
Who can really
kick ass.

1175
01:36:34,493 --> 01:36:35,796
.....

1176
01:42:19,849 --> 01:42:23,303
No! Please.

1177
01:42:23,303 --> 01:42:25,071
Don't go!

1178
01:42:25,071 --> 01:42:27,821
Don't go!

1179
01:42:28,076 --> 01:42:30,744
Is anybody there?

1180
01:42:33,034 --> 01:42:33,816
Hello?

1181
01:42:39,150 --> 01:42:41,273
Some help,
please!

1182
01:42:41,273 --> 01:42:45,478
A shark bit my fucking dick off,
and I can't get some water?

1183
01:42:46,273 --> 01:42:55,478
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