( music playing )
Woman: I don't know.
Maybe we were doomed from the beginning.
I mean, it's not like Dad was Mr. Sunshine.
Sometimes I think all our problems
came directly from him.
But a lot of the good stuff did, too.
Remember what he always called us?
The Gruesome Twosome.
He told us to stick together, no matter what.
( water splashing )
Woman: God...
what the hell happened to us?
( rock music playing )
¶ Oh, Denis, do be do ¶
¶ I'm in love with you, Denis, do be do ¶
¶ I'm in love with you ¶
¶ Denis, Denis, oh, with your eyes so blue ¶
¶ Denis, Denis, I've got a crush on you ¶
¶ Denis, Denis, I'm so in love with you ¶
¶ Oh, when we walk, it always feels so nice ¶
¶ And when we talk, it seems like paradise ¶
¶ Denis, Denis, I'm so in love with you ¶
¶ You're the king and I'm in heaven ¶
( music muffled ) ¶ Every time I look at you ¶
¶ When you smile, it's like a dream ¶
¶ And I'm so lucky 'cause I found a boy like you ¶
¶ Denis, Denis, avec tes yeux si bleux ¶
¶ Denis, Denis, moi j'ai flashe a nous deux ¶
¶ Denis, Denis, un grand baiser d'eternite... ¶
( whooshing )
( exhaling sharply )
( phone chiming ) ¶ Show me that smile again ¶
- ¶ Show me that smile... ¶ - ( vibrating )
¶ Don't waste another minute on your crying ¶
¶ We're nowhere near the end... ¶
- ( music stops ) - Hello?
Woman on phone: Hi, is this Maggie Dean?
Yes.
This is L.A. Presbyterian Hospital.
You know, I'm on the National Do Not Call Registry.
How did you get this number?
Uh, I'm calling to inform you that your brother Milo
was admitted this afternoon after an attempted suicide.
He's okay.
Ms. Dean?
Yes.
- He's okay. - Good, thank you.
( jet stream roaring )
It's a good thing he was blasting his music.
A neighbor complained and got the building manager.
Mm.
Here's his note.
"To whom it may concern: See ya later."
( sighs ) Jesus.
Doctor: When was the last time you saw each other?
Maggie: About 10 years.
Hey, Milo.
Hey.
You changed your hair.
Oh, yeah. It's--
( chuckles ) It's been light for a while, I guess.
Look at you.
Yeah, look at me.
Another tragic gay cliché.
( chuckles )
I don't know if you still like apple fritters.
Probably not as good as Jensen's.
I'm not really hungry.
( bag thuds )
I'll just leave them here.
How many days did they say you have to be in here?
A day or two.
Do you have anyone--
do you live alone?
Yeah, I live alone.
Well, I'm around the next couple days, if you need anything.
Maggie, this was just some stupid thing I did.
I was drunk and feeling melodramatic, so...
you didn't have to come here.
You should go.
( TV playing in background )
Maggie: Hey.
They told me you were down here.
I get discharged today.
They just called me a cab. I thought you were going home.
Why, because you told me to?
No, because I asked you to.
So, what, are you king of the hospital now?
( sighs ) Have you read "Marley and Me"?
Yeah, sad.
Why is it sad?
You don't know what happens?
No, that's why I'm reading it.
Oh, sorry.
- What? - Nothing.
- What, does the dog die at the end? - No, I didn't say that.
The fucking dog dies at the end.
I didn't-- I'm not saying anything.
Look how much I had left.
- ( book thuds ) - ( groans )
I'm sorry I ruined it. ( chuckles )
Maggie, I know the dog dies.
Everyone knows the dog dies.
It's the book where the dog dies.
Asshole.
I see you're getting your sense of humor back.
Yeah, they can't take that away from me.
I was thinking, um...
maybe you'd wanna come stay with me?
What, back to New York?
Yeah.
I mean just for a little bit, until you feel better.
I have a guest room and you can meet Lance finally.
Nyack's really beautiful this time of year.
So the crack team of hospital crisis counselors got to you too, huh?
This was my decision.
Yeah, whatever. They guilted you into this.
You're right. It's probably a bad idea.
Hey, Maggie.
I have an aquarium
full of very beloved,
fat goldfish.
You can get new goldfish in New York.
Welcome home.
( knocks ) Hey, here he is.
- Lance. - Yeah, sure am.
- How are ya? - Great to meet you. Oh, shit. Sorry, man.
It's okay. Don't worry about it.
They're healing over, so it's fine.
I'm so psyched to finally meet you, you know?
Yeah, you, too.
Mysterious Milo in the flesh, right?
Well, actually, I'm clothed now,
so you'll have to get to know me a little bit better
before you see me in the flesh.
- ( both chuckle ) - Cool, cool.
Well, hey, if you need anything,
I'm around, so don't hesitate to holler.
I'm just-- I'm doing a few chores.
I will, I will, thank you. Thanks for having me.
Okay, take it easy, amigo.
Y-you, too, amigo.
( whispers ) Jesus, Maggie.
So, Milo, you hear about your wild and crazy sister?
Are you-- he doesn't know?
Your wild and crazy sister has been taking, um...
- Mm. - Give me a drumroll.
- Come on, drumroll. Come on, louder. - ( taps drumroll )
Scuba diving lessons.
- Yeah. - Doesn't that sound like fun?
Yeah, if you like scuba diving, yeah.
I do.
She's preparing for our tropical Hawaiian honeymoon.
It's gonna be badass.
Honeymoon?
Better two years late than never.
It was her idea. It was your idea.
- Better late than never. - Yeah.
She's always getting crazy ideas.
Last month, it was salsa dancing.
Have you ever heard of salsa dancing?
It's kind of like a Spanish-flavored dancing?
Yeah, yeah, the-- the-- yeah.
- So now it's scuba diving. - Yeah.
- You ever been? - Uh, no, no.
- Dude, you'd love it. It's awesome. - Right.
Me and my buddy Craig, a couple years ago, we went to Costa Rica.
This was before Maggie was on the scene-- PM, pre-Maggie--
and the first time we go out on a dive,
we saw an effing sea turtle, which is very rare.
- Incredibly rare. - I think it's pretty normal-- right? Seeing sea turtles?
- Lance: What? - When you're diving, seeing sea turtles?
- I think that's very-- - No, I think you're thinking of just, like, regular turtles
that you'd see in a pond or a stream.
I'm talking about a sea turtle in the wild.
We were swimming so close to it that you could practically touch it.
Mm-hmm.
Is it okay if I tell him? Can I?
- Nothing really to tell yet. - You ready for some big news?
We're trying to get pregnant.
- Really? - We are trying to get pregnant.
- Yep. - And I say "we are," because it's not sexist that way.
- Right? That's what you told me. - Yeah.
I thought you never wanted to have kids.
Well, I may have said that in high school or something,
but obviously people change their minds on that.
No, I-- that's great.
I love kids.
Except the fat ones.
Fuck those little turds, right?
He's kidding. He's being a smartass.
- Don't mind him. - I'm messing with you.
I was like, "Whoa, what's this guy got against fat kids?"
- No, he's-- - I mean, I was a fat kid.
- Oh, you were? - I was built like a damn tank, yeah.
- She's seen the pictures. - It's pretty cute, though.
I look like a-- just a little pillow with legs.
- A little marshmallow. - Yeah.
Hey, here's to you guys.
Thanks.
May your kids be happy and fat.
Cool, man, thanks.
I mean, it hasn't happened yet,
but we're definitely giving it a go.
Well, keep trying, guys.
I can't wait to be the creepy gay uncle.
- You're hired. - Okay.
- You got the job. - ( chuckles )
( knocks )
- Hey. - Hey.
- Settling in? - Yeah.
No, yeah, it's like a Martha Stewart wonderland.
So, you met Lance.
Yeah, I met Lance.
Isn't he the best?
Yeah, he's like a big Labrador retriever.
Yeah, I guess.
He's just the nicest guy on the planet.
I really lucked out.
Yeah, you're really going for it.
What does that mean?
You're going for it-- just, like, the job, the house,
the furniture... the Lance.
( chuckles )
I guess I grew up.
- So, what about you? - What about me?
Well, last I heard, you moved to LA to be an actor?
That was, like, 10 years ago?
- Yeah, did you not hear? I won an Oscar. - Oh, very funny.
Yeah, I played a retarded Ukrainian immigrant
who inspires a bunch of school kids in Brooklyn
by playing chess.
- Seriously. - Seriously, acting's kinda hard when you don't have an agent.
So...
Well, what are you doing for money?
( chuckles )
Let me guess, male prostitute joke coming--
What do you want me to say, Maggie?
I wait tables at a shitty tourist restaurant in Hollywood.
It's fucking boring, the end. What do you want to know?
You know, I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed.
All right, good night.
( door closes )
( quacking )
Shit.
( Australian accent ) The key to buddy breathing is not to panic.
Don't freak out or you'll die.
Don't yank the regulator away from your partner.
Don't bogart the thing either.
All right, so, everybody partner up.
Let's go, let's do it.
Looking for a date?
- Huh? - A partner.
Oh. Oh, yeah, sure.
Okay.
Man: This is a book that we're selling a lot more of.
Uh, it's just much more practical.
It's much more hands-on.
- Does that sound-- - It sounds perfect.
Okay, good. Yeah, good luck.
Thank you.
Surprise.
Milo.
Back from the dead.
What are you doing here?
I just rolled into town. I wanted to say--
No, what are you doing here at the store?
I am looking for the new Danielle Steel novel.
You should go.
No-- hey, no, I-- let's go hiking.
Let's go to Kate's Lazy Meadow and, you know,
go to the Harvest Festival and--
Milo, you're out of your mind.
No, Rich, I just think--
Don't come here again.
( music playing )
When do the boys show up?
It's Dyke Night, sweetie.
- It's what? - Dyke Night.
Dyke Night?
I showed up on Dyke Night?
Yeah.
Shit.
- ( pounding on door ) - ( both gasp )
- ( door opens ) - Maggie: Jesus.
Hey, Cal's Corner, fucking Dyke Night.
- What? - Oh, boy.
Dyke Night.
Milo, can we talk about this in the morning?
Sandra and Melissa were very nice.
They were two lesbian ladies
who taught me how to play darts.
But they were not what I was looking for.
What I was looking for, and you should know this
since we're now related, Lance,
I was looking for some cock.
Okay, Milo, enough.
You're fine 'cause you're married to my sister.
- You're off-limits. - "Off-limits."
Just letting you know, if any of your little buddies around--
- I will be on them like steak on rice. - Milo! Go to bed.
Okay, Milo, good night.
I'm just letting you know. I'm a little tipsy.
- I'm sorry. - That's okay.
- No shit. - Phew.
- Milo, good night. - Good night.
( dog barking )
- Yeah, about last night. - You can't do stuff like that.
Sorry, I was just trying to blow off some steam, that's all.
I just--
So, um, Lance and I were talking,
and he might need some help
on this trail project at the dam.
Just clearing brush and stuff.
A trail project at the dam?
Yeah. It's what he does.
What do you mean, clearing brush?
- Like picking up sticks? - Brush-- sticks and leaves
and pieces of bushes and stuff.
- It might be good for you. - So, it's like a job?
It might be nice for you to spend time with him and stuff.
Be out in nature with the brush.
Do I get a sexy outfit?
I'll make sure of it.
Here.
- Ahem. - I should've worn longer sleeves.
Yeah, no, I mean, next time, you know?
'Cause then if you have long sleeves,
you can make more of a scooping motion.
You might be able to get more with each grab, you know?
Yeah, no, I get it.
I'm not really an outdoorsy kinda guy.
Right. Well, no worries, my man.
You know, I got an extra fleece in the truck.
- You want me to go-- - No, no, I'm good.
- Thank you. - You got it?
( mouse squeaking )
Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.
( air hissing )
( bubbles popping )
( air hissing )
- ( sputters, coughing ) - You okay? You all right?
Take a breath. Take a breath.
( panting )
What happened down there?
Nothing, I'm fine.
- Yeah? - I'm fine.
All right.
- ( door closes ) - Hello?
- Hi. - What the hell's that?
Happy first day of work.
You didn't have to do that.
What, you don't like it?
No, I love it. It's great.
So, I told somebody that I was in town,
and I didn't think she would come,
so don't freak out.
Hi, angel.
Mother.
- ( shatters ) - Oh, dear.
- Whoa. - Okay, broken glass. Everybody freeze.
I'm gonna go get a dustpan. You okay?
- Yeah. - I'm gonna go get a dustpan.
Okay.
- So, that's Tanner? - No, that's Tad.
- Oh. - Tanner's the oldest.
They look a lot like their father.
- Mm-hmm. - Lance: See?
I love Arches. The Grand Canyon's gotten so commercial.
Arches has retained its essence, you know?
It's just such a very, very spiritual place.
Arches is rad.
I actually road-tripped it down there
spring break sophomore year.
- It's insane. Unbelievable. - A toast? A toast?
I want to make a toast.
To my beautiful, beautiful children,
- and to my lovely son-in-law. - Oh.
May the light embrace you with its energy infinite.
May you dwell in a place of peace and tolerance.
May you live in warmth and understanding
for your days eternal.
- Amen. - Yeah.
- Cheers. - Now, mm-hmm.
Darling, thank you.
So, when are you gonna come down and visit us in Sedona?
Uh, I guess whenever we're invited.
Oh, my God. You just have to show up.
Just drop in. We don't like to be scheduled.
- Perfect. - Great, so how's next week?
( laughs ) Next-- that's not gonna actually be the best week.
Okay, great. The week after that. We can go then.
Oh, um...
Okay, well...
Hey, Mom, how are the alpacas?
We had to get rid of them. Too much poop.
You know what they say, everybody poops, right?
When I was a kid, I didn't think that girls pooped.
- Seriously. - I've never taken a shit before.
( chuckles ) Milo.
So what about your insight retreats, Mom?
What about them?
Do you have one coming up?
Why do you ask?
Oh, I just want to make sure I don't schedule
the most important event of my life on the same day.
Okay, just--
You know it broke my heart to miss the wedding.
Actually, you know, I don't know that it did.
- You're here now, right? - Yes, yes. Thank you.
Did everybody hear how I've never taken a shit before?
- Did you guys miss that? - Lance: Yeah.
Why are we talking about such unpleasant things?
Milo, what's new with you, darling?
I'm gonna go grab the Tabasco.
Anybody like anything?
Everything's great.
It's good.
That's terrific.
Everything is terrific.
( humming )
Now, breathe out.
- ( Milo exhales ) - Yes.
You're cleansed. Open your eyes.
Oh, my God. How do you feel?
Good, yeah. I might be a little drunk.
You look completely different.
Oh, my God, there's just-- there's a--
a purity and a kind of a glow coming off you.
It's emanating from your crown chakra.
Lance, would you like to be cleansed?
I'm okay, thank you. I took a sauna this morning.
- But I feel good. - Sweetheart?
Oh, I don't usually drink and cleanse.
Just, like, personal policy.
But thank you.
Okay, I guess I should be heading back.
What, like, back to Arizona?
Well, it's a terrific coincidence.
You know, Maggie, you asked me about the insight retreat.
Guess where it is this year?
Woodstock. Around the corner.
Oh, you've gotta be kidding.
I mean, it's such a-- this just worked out perfectly.
So that's why you came here?
No, no.
I came here to see you two.
Oh, just shut up, Mother.
- Hey, Maggie. - This is classic.
- Classic bullshit. - Okay, Maggie.
I have to compliment you, though. I really do.
You gave it a good shot.
But I have to tell you you're really not that good of an actress.
Okay. Well, as pleasant as this is...
Stop trying, Judy.
Stop trying.
There are worse things than being a shitty mother.
So...
if you've finished...
vomiting all over me... ( chuckles )
I will just say thank you for dinner,
and, Milo, thank you for the invitation.
I'm sorry the night ended up being so toxic.
I just want you both to know.
Oh, my God.
I'm sending you the light.
Good night, Lance.
Good night, Judy. I'll walk you out.
( door closes )
Well, at least she's sending us the light.
- Are those shoes? - Uh, yeah, kinda. They're a hybrid.
Hybrid of...
Of, uh, you know, just shoes and a foot.
The human foot.
You know, some people use a knife and fork for those things.
Yeah? Well, I'm not most people, babe,
and I think that's why you love me.
'Cause I set myself aside from the pack.
- Yeah. - I'll see you tonight, okay?
I gotta get going.
- Oh, there he is. - Hey.
- What's up, chief? - Mm-hmm.
No-- nothing.
Okay, I'll check you two dudes later.
Wallet, Lance. Where is it, baby? Where is it?
( Lance stomping ) Whoo!
Is he ever not like that?
You know I'm happy that you're here, right?
Ugh, here it comes.
And you can stay as long as you need.
- But... - What do you think?
- I thought she'd be different. - It doesn't matter.
You had no right bringing her into this house without asking me.
Yes, Warden.
Did you really think she'd be different,
that she actually gave a shit about us?
- Maybe. - Please.
She's been done with us ever since Dad--
I don't even blame him.
Imagine being married to her. I'd probably jump off a bridge, too.
Okay.
I don't want this. Eat it.
Okay.
- So, how you feel? - I'm good.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I'm a little embarrassed about the other day.
I was on planet Jupiter or something.
Don't worry about it.
- I'm a doof. - Nah, you're one of my favorites.
( bell tolls )
Someone told me to read this once.
Where to, boss?
I need you to tell me why you're here.
I'm-- I just want to make conversation.
I just want to see how you're doing.
- Really? - Yeah, nothing-- nothing more.
I'm not gonna chop your balls off just yet.
Okay, 'cause I really wasn't expecting to see you anytime soon.
- I'm sure. - This is weird.
I know. I know it's weird.
Um...
So, how are-- how-- what are you--
how are you?
I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. I have a girlfriend.
Ah.
Um... Melinda.
She's great. She's an optometrist.
Oh, cool.
Really good for me. She gets along with Eric really well.
- Eric? - My son.
Right, your son.
Are you living here now?
No, no, I-- temporarily.
I'm just here-- I live in LA.
- LA, that's cool. - Yeah, yeah.
- How's that? - Good, good. It's going really well.
I mean, the key is just staying busy, you know?
I've just been acting and auditioning
and I just got this agent.
- Really? - Yeah, I have an agent now.
An agent. Wow, that's impressive.
Yeah.
What brings you to town other than scaring the shit out of me at a bookstore?
Yeah, that was my sole purpose.
No, I-- I-- there's a writer's retreat.
You know, I'm writing this one-man show.
Well, it doesn't surprise me at all.
- Oh. - You were always a great writer.
Oh, well, I had a--
I had a good teacher.
- ( mariachi music playing ) - Billy: It's a little cove off the Pawai Bay
on the Kona Coast, off the Big Island.
My mate Mike has been there since '05
taking small groups diving, and I'm telling you--
- Pretty? - It's stunning.
Sea turtles, manta rays, blue sharks.
That sounds incredible.
Except for the sharks, I guess.
They're harmless.
Besides...
you could handle a little old shark.
( man singing in Spanish )
( glass thuds )
- Whoa. - Hmm.
- You want another? - Yeah.
No. No.
I think I've filled my quota.
I should go.
I haven't finished my drink yet.
Here, I'll take that.
- ( glass thuds ) - Okay, there we go.
That was fun.
We had drinks. That was nice.
Thank you. ( chuckles )
Uh, I will see you in class.
Shit.
( moaning )
( knock on door )
Lance: Sweetie?
Yeah?
Are we out of pizza pockets?
I think so.
Well, can you put them on the list, please?
Honey?
( engine shuts off )
( exhales )
So, you'll pick me up after work?
Okay.
- All right, well, have a good day at work. - I will.
- Tell Lance I say hi. - I will.
Okay. All right.
- Bye, have a good day. - See ya, bye.
Bye.
( knocks )
What's up?
Do you think I should have a baby?
I mean, do you think I would be a good mom?
Um...
I don't-- I don't know.
I mean, I-- I think you'd be very attentive.
Okay.
And maybe a bit overprotective.
Uptight.
Gee, thanks.
No, I'm just being honest, I'm-- it's--
it's a loaded question. I'm sorry.
I think I'd be an excellent mom.
Okay.
What do you want me to say?
How about something that doesn't make me feel like a piece of shit?
You know, you're so goddamn selfish, Milo, it's mind-blowing.
Maggie.
Oh, that's classic Maggie, man. Classic.
Yeah, she just jumped down my throat.
- It was crazy. - Land mines, man.
It's like sometimes she and I will be strolling through the park
laughing, getting along perfect,
and then, kaboom, you know?
A freakin' land mine blows my nuts off.
Mm.
- You know? - Yeah.
And I'll think, "Oh, I coulda sworn my nuts were there a minute ago.
I wonder where they went."
- No nuts. - Oh, there-- there they are.
They got blown clear across the room.
They're sliding down that wall over there.
My nuts.
And then, you know, when I think about it,
it was probably my fault in the first place,
so I'll just apologize to her.
I probably said something stupid or insensitive,
so I'll just tell her that I was sorry,
and then it's fine.
Mm.
Land mines, dude.
- ( door opens, closes ) - Milo: There she is.
Your chariot awaits.
( magazine pages rustle )
All right, look, I'm sorry.
I'm an idiot.
So what else is new?
You'd make an amazing mother, okay?
I thought I was too uptight?
I just said that so I didn't have to talk about the real issue,
which is your morbid obesity.
I'm surprised you can even leave the house.
When was the last time you had your teeth cleaned?
- No. No, no, no, no, no. - Come on.
- No. - Hey, I am a licensed dental hygienist.
Don't you want to see me work?
No.
( groaning )
( Milo's voice, slurred ) There are so many planets, yet so little time.
All right, okay, I'm gonna take this.
- Wait, what are you doing? - Milo, that's enough.
- Wait, wait, wait. I'm not done yet. - Come on, seriously, let go.
- Let go. - Ow.
- I'm not done. - Stop.
( laughing )
- Okay, okay, you ready? - ( Milo, muffled ) Okay, uh-huh.
'Cause this is serious stuff here.
- Mm-hmm. - ( whirring )
- ( sloshing ) - Maggie: A few more seconds.
- ( squirts ) - ( gasps ) Ah!
Give that to me! Give that to me.
- Spit. - Hmm?
- Spit in there. - Mm.
- Sorry, I think this is broken. - ( squirts )
Oh, my-- Milo, stop.
- That thing-- you gotta have that thing fixed. - My God.
You know what? You need to take the edge off.
- ( inhales ) - Yeah, right. No.
Everybody's doing it.
- If you don't do it, no one will ever talk to you. - I'm not doing it.
- Ross is doing it, Tina's doing it. - Mm-hmm.
Emily's doing it, Casey's doing it,
- Shannon is doing it. - Shannon cannot be doing it.
- Eric T. and Eric S. - Eric T. and Eric S., too?
Eric S. and Eric T. are both doing it.
I'm not doing it.
( slurred ) I have a very serious question for you.
Milo: Mm-hmm?
Will you go to prom with me?
( both laughing )
Ah!
( laughing )
Uh-oh, I think you're gassy.
Pfft. ( Milo laughing )
Pfft.
( laughing )
Pfft.
( both laugh )
It's okay, this won't hurt. Ready?
- ( laughs ) - Ow.
- That hurt? - Your elbow went into my arm muscle.
( imitates Maggie ) "Your elbow went into my arm muscle, mister."
( high-pitched ) "Your elbow went into my arm muscle, mister.
Oh, my paper route's gonna be screwed."
( laughing )
( normal voice ) I'm getting out of here.
( imitates backmasking )
Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft.
( both laughing )
Pfft.
( laughing )
( imitates cracking )
( laughs ) That was a good joke.
Thanks.
- I have to tell you something, Maggie. - What?
Last month in LA, um...
What? What?
I ate pussy.
What?
- What? - I know, I'm not proud of it.
Why? How? Why? Who?
I-- she looked like a young Debbie Harry.
I was drunk and curious. I just couldn't resist.
Oh, my gosh.
Well, what-- how-- verdict?
Uh, I was a little out to sea.
I'll tell you that.
Out in a wet, stormy,
- pungent sea. - Ew.
( groans )
All right, now your turn.
My turn?
I told you a secret. You have to tell me a secret.
I don't have any secrets.
Maggie.
Maggie Dean.
I'm on birth control.
Really?
- Yeah. - Oh.
I hide it in the basket in the bathroom.
I figure Lance won't be looking
for butterfly decorative soaps anytime soon.
So... ( sighs )
it's terrible.
Wouldn't it be easier just to tell Lance
you're not ready to have a kid?
Yeah.
( laughs ) It would be a lot easier.
But there's a little more to it than that.
What?
- It's really bad. - What?
I slept with my scuba instructor.
Maggie.
I know, it sounds like a porno.
Just once?
- With him? - "With him"?
Yeah. I took a French cooking class like six months ago.
Maggie!
And a nature photography course-- I met this guy.
It's a fetish is what it sounds like.
If Lance finds out, it will destroy him
and I will not be able to live with myself.
Please say something.
I guess Lance just doesn't do it for you.
But why? He's so great.
He's so sweet and cute and nice
and he would make such a great dad,
and he is the polar opposite of all the assholes that I'm used to dating.
He doesn't deserve a fucking whore as a wife.
- You're not a whore, so don't say that, please. - Oh, really?
What would you call it, then?
You're a restless housewife with whore-like tendencies.
Shut up.
It doesn't help.
Do you love him?
Yeah, I do.
He's-- he's good.
Maybe good isn't your thing.
Maybe.
What am I gonna do?
You're gonna do a bunch of nitrous with your gay brother?
( laughs )
You wanna talk about this more downstairs?
Sure.
- Oh, this hurts my back. - Me, too, my spine.
Why did I say, "Let's talk downstairs"?
I don't know. ( sighs )
Wait, what time is it?
I don't know.
Shit.
What?
Come on, we gotta go.
- Why? - I have a meeting.
You have a meeting? With who?
With, um, Kevin Clancy from high school.
- Really? - Yeah.
Cool. Can I come?
Uh, no.
I think he wanted to make it kind of like a one-on-one kind of meeting.
- Oh. - Is that weird? I'm sorry.
- No, no, it's fine. - Is that cool?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - All right, we gotta go, though.
We gotta go.
¶ Oh, Denis, do be do... ¶
Rich: Oh, my God, you're killing me.
No, listen, it's like, "Melvin, dude, please,
just write me a story about a whale,
a guy who catches a whale.
Why does it have to be 800 pages
of the history of whaling
and all this existential crisis bullshit?"
Like, who gives a shit when the writing is that weird
and funny and rich and alive
and did I mention weird?
You know what I mean, though?
And pretentious-- and pretentious.
There's a great "Moby-Dick" illustrated
- ( imitates snoring ) - that I think you'd love.
There's a pop-up whale at the end.
Fuck you.
Didn't I give you a whale?
I feel like I gave you, like, a copper figurine
for your birthday that I got at that--
Wow. You carry that with you?
I don't know. It's, like, a little good luck charm or something.
Well, it's working.
Is it? I don't know if it is.
Yeah. Yeah, Mr. Fancy LA Agent.
I wish I kept that whale for myself.
It's not that big of a deal. He's not that big of an agent.
I think it's incredible.
I always knew you'd do something amazing with your life.
I'm proud of you, Milo.
Do you wanna get out of here?
( TV playing in background )
Those lobster cages can knock you right off.
What?
Well, actually, they're called lobster pots,
but they can knock these guys right off the deck.
They're real dangerous.
Oh.
I think those are crabs.
- Where? - E-everywhere.
Oh, yeah, maybe they are.
No, they are.
So, how's Milo working out?
Good. He's definitely doing his best,
but he's been-- he's trying.
Good.
Mm.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I really love you.
Thank you.
( lighter clicks )
God, I can't believe he's 16.
( inhaling )
It's strange, man. Having a kid that old.
He just got his license.
I'm like, "Really?
I'm old enough to have a kid who can drive?"
My God.
Does he know about me and you?
No, no, God, no.
He knows I used to teach
and, uh, sometimes he asks why I stopped, you know, but...
What do you tell him?
That it wasn't my thing.
I'm sorry, Rich.
No, Milo, you don't ever have to apologize.
You didn't do anything wrong.
You understand me?
Okay.
Look, I know-- I know what happened
was weird and illegal and shit,
but it really meant something to me.
And we're adults.
Well, I'm-- I'm an adult.
God, I feel like a freshman asking a senior to the dance.
That's part of the problem.
There's-- there's a...
freshman/senior dynamic between us.
There doesn't have to be.
( Maggie knocks on door ) Milo, get up.
Lance is leaving in 10 minutes.
Milo?
( phone vibrating )
Milo, is that your phone?
Oh, shit, what time is it?
It's after 9:00.
Fuck, I'm late for work.
You and me both.
Um, ahem.
So, here.
"Sunrise in Manhattan."
It's a romantic comedy.
About what, Balzac and Foucault?
No, it's actually pretty straightforward.
I wrote it for, you know,
like, Jennifer Aniston or Kate Hudson.
And I don't want to be presumptuous,
but I thought, you know, if you wanted to read it
and maybe if you liked it, you could pass it along to your agent?
Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, totally. Yeah, I could totally... - Cool.
pass it on if-- I'll read it.
- Cool. - Yeah.
I kind of-- I need you to leave.
Okay. Yeah, sure.
- Last night was fun. - Yeah.
Kind of a blast from the past.
Yeah, um, make sure the door locks when you close it.
( knocks )
Greetings, Ms. Dean.
What brings you around these parts?
It was a mistake.
All right.
I mean it, the whole thing.
Fine.
Is that all?
Yeah. Yeah, that's all.
( sighs )
What are you doing?
No, Billy, I'm serious.
No.
Bull-- bullshit!
Bullshit! Bullshit!
Bullshit.
Bull... shit.
Hello.
Where were you this morning?
Uh, well, Kevin had a friend,
and last night, I got lucky.
Well, you missed work, so, not cool.
I was a little late. Lance understood.
You have to get your shit together, Milo.
That is a very interesting statement coming from you.
- You know what? - What?
( sighs, groans )
( muffled screaming )
Wow.
( exhales sharply )
What are you doing?
Milo.
( music playing )
¶ Looking in your eyes I see a paradise ¶
¶ This world that I found is too good to be true ¶
¶ Standing here beside you, want so much to give you ¶
¶ This love in my heart that I'm feeling for you ¶
¶ Let 'em say we're crazy ¶
¶ I don't care about that ¶
¶ Put your hand in my hand, baby ¶
¶ Don't ever look back ¶
¶ Let the world around us just fall apart ¶
¶ Baby, we can make it if we're heart to heart ¶
¶ And we can build this dream together ¶
¶ Standing strong forever ¶
¶ Nothing's gonna stop us now ¶
¶ And if this world runs out of lovers ¶
¶ We'll still have each other ¶
¶ Nothing's gonna stop us ¶
¶ Nothing's gonna stop us now ¶
¶ Oh-oh... ¶
Okay, I got it.
¶ I'm so glad I found you ¶
¶ I'm not gonna lose you ¶
¶ Whatever it takes, I will stay here with you ¶
¶ Take it to the good times, see it through the bad times ¶
¶ Whatever it takes is what I'm gonna do ¶
¶ Let 'em say we're crazy ¶
¶ What do they know? ¶
¶ Put your arms around me, baby, don't ever let go ¶
¶ Let the world around us just fall apart ¶
¶ Baby, we can make it if we're heart to heart ¶
¶ And we can build this dream together ¶
¶ Standing strong forever ¶
¶ Nothing's gonna stop us now ¶
¶ And if this world runs out of lovers ¶
¶ We'll still have each other ¶
¶ Nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us ¶
¶ Ooh, all that I need is you ¶
¶ All that I ever need ¶
¶ All that I want to do ¶
¶ Is hold you forever ¶
¶ Ever and ever ¶
¶ And we can build this dream together ¶
¶ Standing strong forever... ¶
Hi.
¶ ... gonna stop us now... ¶
Hi.
Uh, is your dad home?
Yeah, hold on.
Dad, some guy's at the door for you.
I'm sorry, I thought you had him--
What are you doing? You can't be here.
That's my kid in there.
Okay, I thought you only had him on the weekends.
I have a life, Milo. A whole life.
Give me a shot of Cuervo, please.
( liquid pours )
( glass thuds )
Can I have another one, please?
( glass thuds )
Man: Hey.
What are you doing up here?
I'm waiting for you, Mr. Big Officer Man.
The fuck you say?
Maggie: Thank you. Thank you very much.
No problem. Take care, now.
Thanks.
Maggie, don't freak out.
What is going on?
You wouldn't understand.
Try me. You might be surprised.
I get depressed about my life
and I do stupid things. That's it.
We all get sad about our lives, Milo.
That doesn't mean we go jumping off of rooftops.
I wasn't gonna jump.
Okay, well, how do I know that?
Okay, I'm sorry.
I can't take this, Milo.
I can't right now. I can't.
Hey, I'm sorry.
Do you remember Justin Meyer in eighth grade?
Jock, asshole, he used to fuck with me all the time?
Dad, he told me-- he said, "Guys like Justin--
like, high school is the best it's ever gonna get for them.
They're gonna peak in high school,
and the rest of their life is just gonna be...
a disappointment."
And that kids like me--
that I would soar after high school.
And, in fact, I would sit there,
I would fast-forward 10 years into the future
and I would think about our high school reunion
and seeing Justin, and he would just be
this fat, balding guy
who, you know, is the assistant manager at some sporting goods store,
and-- and I would be
this famous actor
who lives in LA or New York
and I have this beautiful boyfriend.
And I'm happy.
Do you know I looked Justin up online?
And do you know what he's doing now?
He's an electrician,
and he has two beautiful daughters
and a pretty wife.
And he's happy.
And it turns out that--
it just turns out that I'm the one that peaked in high school.
You know, if that's not depressing, then...
So, that's it, sweetie?
You're not a famous actor?
'Cause I got news for you. No one's a famous actor.
George Clooney's a famous actor.
Okay, George Clooney, I guess that's one exception.
But the rest of us are just walking around
trying not to be disappointed
with the way that our lives turned out.
And either we find a way to deal or...
I need to know
you're not gonna check out on me.
I'll do my best.
What?
Ugh.
What are you doing?
It's gotta be in here somewhere.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Oh, here it is! I found it!
Oh, my God. You still have that thing?
- We're going out. - What?
It is Halloween, Lance is at fantasy football,
I say you put on something pretty and/or freaky.
Preferably both.
Yeah.
( muffled ) I can do this better myself.
- No, I wanna do it. - Mm-hmm.
¶ Secret... ¶
Okay.
Tell me if you don't like it.
I will tell you immediately if I don't like it.
Ah!
( laughs )
Is that a good scream?
That was a great scream. I love it.
Oh, my God. I can't believe it still fits.
- I know. - Look at me.
You have better legs than I do, by the way.
Oh, I have a body like a frog.
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.
What does that mean?
Just a big belly and long arms and long legs.
Just like-- ( groans )
¶ I've got a secret and I can't explain ¶
¶ All the time I've waited for this day ¶
¶ All along, I was never in doubt... ¶
- Maggie: Oh, Michelle Waller. - Milo: Uh-huh?
Pregnant again, baby number three.
- Baby number three? - Yeah.
- Shit, I didn't even know she was married. - Yeah.
Milo: We haven't done the cemetery walk since Dad died.
Maggie: I know.
Oh, my God, watch your step.
- ( dog howls ) - God, it has not changed a bit.
I had my first wine cooler here.
- With who? - Jenny Cokeland.
( laughs ) That makes sense.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
( man cackles on recording )
Dad loved Halloween.
Who can blame him?
( roaring )
- Scram. - ( halfhearted ) Rawr.
- Get outta here. - Rawr.
What, are you deaf?
I'm not deaf. It's Halloween, assholes.
- Fucking people. - ( laughs )
Oh, my God.
Wait, what was the name of the-- the--
adolescent psychiatrist that they assigned us?
- What was her name? - Oh, um, shit.
- Mary? - Uh, Mamie Mortimer.
- Mamie Mortimer. - Mamie Mortimer and her fucking journals.
Giant sweaters.
What was with those sweaters?
Huge! She's not a big woman.
Every day was Christmas for Mamie Mortimer.
Oh, my God. "Did you write that in your journal?"
"There's nothing that can't be solved by journaling."
"Oh, your dad died? Put it in a journal.
You forgot about it, didn't ya?"
She had a tough gig, though.
I mean, we were not-- we were not good kids.
I mean, what do you do to two kids whose dad--
You make them keep a journal.
Yeah, I mean, we were 14.
God, we were ungrateful bastards, though. Right?
Speak for yourself.
I was an angel. I don't know what you're talking about.
Maggie.
- "Maggie." - Maggie.
Let me-- oh, wait. Let me see it.
What?
I want to see it.
Oh, what is that, a new place?
No, it's always been here.
Oh, there she is, dancing away.
Of course she is.
Did you think I got rid of it?
I don't know. You're a tricky bird, Magpie.
¶ 'Cause I've never seen anything like this before... ¶
How'd we go 10 years without talking?
Oh, it's probably not worth talking about now.
Probably not.
¶ And he says he cannot help me ¶
¶ 'Cause he doesn't have a clue ¶
¶ I think that you must be from outer space... ¶
Let me take my hat off.
- Come on. - Be polite.
¶ ...on the stars ¶
¶ I think you must be extraterrestrial ¶
¶ 'Cause you can open up the heavens for me ¶
¶ With just one smile ¶
¶ Just one smile ¶
¶ What is that sound coming out of your mouth? ¶
¶ 'Cause I've never heard anything like that before... ¶
Magpie.
Oh, peeing in a dress at a urinal
is actually not that hard.
I'm gonna go.
Do you want another round?
I'm gonna go.
Hey, hey. ( whistles )
Wait up, Maggie.
Hey, what's going on?
Kevin Clancy?
Kevin Clancy moved to Miami six years ago.
He was in town for the weekend.
What? What is this?
I saw your cell phone.
Uh, you have a missed call from Rich Levitt.
Are you sleeping with him?
Some of us have our secrets and some of us have our reasons, Maggie.
Wow.
So, what, you're still attracted to child molesters?
Is that it?
He's not a child molester.
You were 15 and he was your English teacher.
You didn't see the way he treated me.
- He wanted to fuck you. - Who are you to judge, okay?
You've had boyfriends since you were in the fifth grade, okay?
I was 15. I had never been kissed before.
- So what if he was my teacher? - So what?
He made me feel good! He made me feel good about myself!
I don't want to hear how he made you feel.
You know what? You wanna go hang out with Rich Levitt, go ahead.
I am not gonna stop you.
But when all that shit went down,
I know, looking back, I was right.
And I can't feel guilty about it anymore.
And it could've been a lot worse.
He could've gone to fucking jail, Milo.
Do you realize that?
He is lucky that we dealt with this quietly.
And I know you blame me, and I know you think
I ruined this blossoming relationship between you and him.
I know you think I ruined his life, that I ruined your life,
but I did what I had to do.
Look, it had nothing to do with you.
That is bullshit.
You're my brother.
And we're supposed to be there for each other.
And if you don't get that by now,
then, I don't know, I guess I'll talk to you in another 10 years.
- Maggie, wait. - This sucks.
I was having such a good night with you.
( retches )
( panting )
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday...
Sunday, Monday...
oh, shit.
- Morning, chief. - Morning.
Well, looks like your sis is down for the count.
I think she's got, like, food poisoning or something.
Right, or something.
Maybe we should have a dude's day.
- A what? - You know, dude's day.
I think your version of dude's day
and my version of dude's day are totally different.
¶ I said, "Hey, the time has come ¶
¶ To throw the work away and have some fun"... ¶
Oh, shit.
( whimpers ) Oh, shit!
Come on, man. You almost had it that time.
Lance, this harness has my balls in my fucking throat.
Can I please come down?
It's all part of the experience, buddy boy.
The only good thing about this experience
is that every guy in here's gorgeous.
Yeah, it's great here, man.
You're surrounded by a bunch of hunks. It's beautiful.
Come on, you gotta use the pain.
Get inspired by it.
What are you, some sort of, like, climbing Nazi?
I just believe in you, that's all.
Come on, I saw you out there working at the park.
You got it in you, dude. I believe in you.
( whispers ) You're such a piece of shit, Lance.
Yeah, awesome. Awesome.
Just keep doing it just like that, man.
( grunts, moans )
That's what I'm talking about! Boo-ya, dude!
- To dude's day. - To dude's day.
I gotta tell you, you were channeling
my middle school PE teacher out there.
Yeah, you were into it, huh?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was very-- you're very motivating. - Thank you.
You're gonna be a good dad someday. That was good.
Thanks, man.
It's funny 'cause all my buddies,
they're scared shitless about the whole fatherhood thing,
and, yeah, I just know that I'm ready for it.
That's why the whole pregnancy thing
has been frustrating, you know?
Just wanna make sure I'm not firing blanks, you know?
Right.
Guess I'm just a little paranoid.
Have-- have you noticed her acting a little strange at all lately?
Like, uh-- I mean, uh--
uh, I don't know what I mean.
I know what you mean, yeah.
It'll all happen in Hawaii. That's how I feel.
Just in between the trade winds and the palm trees
and the people and, you know, exotic spices.
Yeah.
Maybe we'll do it in a hammock.
Meh.
Hawaii's definitely baby-making country.
Heh.
You know, Maggie can be very...
s-secretive.
Like, when we were kids and stuff,
she would hide cigarettes and things like that around the house.
You know, places you wouldn't think to look.
Maybe there's some medication or something that's affecting things.
Just a thought.
Yeah, I don't think Maggie'd hide something like that from me.
I'm sure you're right.
Yeah?
Hey, miss, do you need help with anything?
Yeah, you know what?
I'm-- I-- I-- I just, um--
I'm a little late.
But not seriously late, just a little.
But I'm-- you know what? I don't need this.
I'm fine, thanks.
Thank you for putting that back.
Thanks.
What else did I need?
( music playing )
Woman: ...puked all over the field.
Maggie Dean?
( laughs ) It's Carlie Van der Hoff.
Garfield High?
- Yeah, hi. - Yeah, my God, how are you?
- I'm fine. - Oh, this is Cullen.
- Say hi, Cullen. - Hi.
He's the oldest of my rug rats.
Yeah, but look at you.
Are you visiting family?
No, no, I live here.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's so weird that we've never run into each other.
- Yeah. - I'm at the school employees credit union.
- Mom. - Cullen, hush.
If you're bored, go wait in the car.
- Oh, I'm gonna be leaving. - Beat it.
- Kiss my ass! - Hey, you watch it, mister!
Back at ya!
Ugh, gosh, what a little shit.
Can you believe kids today? The attitudes.
Do you have kids?
No.
Ah, well, you're lucky because they are little shits.
( chuckles )
So, how are you? How's Milo?
Tell me everything.
Um, I'm-- I'm all right.
- You got married? - I did.
Of course, you always had so many boyfriends.
Oh, boy.
Are-- are you okay?
Carlie, can you, um-- can you give me one second?
- Yeah. - Be right back.
( clicks )
( Maggie sighs )
( whispering ) Thank you, thank you.
Oh, thank...
( exhales )
It's over.
No, for real.
Hi.
Honey, what's going on here?
Um...
those are old.
Okay, well, the prescription says
that they're from last month, so...
Honey, I'm sorry that...
Ahem.
Listen, um...
If you don't want to have kids right now,
we can talk about that, okay?
You don't need to lie to me.
I...
Sweetie, you're freaking me out right now.
I'm a sick person, Lance.
What do you mean?
I've been with other men since we've been married.
Three.
Three other men.
I wasn't in love with any of them.
I know that doesn't matter.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
( birth control package thuds )
Lance?
Look, he was confused. I felt terrible for him.
- Hey! - You had no right!
Things were gonna crash down eventually.
No, you were just trying to get back at me.
I was trying to help you.
You just ruined my marriage.
- What marriage? - Fuck you.
Look, you're miserable, and if you're too chickenshit to do anything about it,
- then I will. - Oh, so, you know what's best for me?
Yes, you're my sister. We're supposed to help each other out.
- You said that. - This is different!
- How? - We are adults. This is my marriage.
If you think that's a marriage, then you're fucking nuts, okay?
I'm sorry. Enjoy your marital bliss.
Okay, yeah, go. Leave anyway.
This is not working out.
You know what the sad thing is?
Is that we're a good team.
Oh, yeah, and you'd be a real hoot to have around
if you weren't such a fuckup.
We're both fuckups, okay?
And I'm tired of you acting like you're the healthy one
and I'm your special needs kid.
Oh, what does it even matter anymore, Milo?
You got your revenge. You got it.
I was trying to lay it out on the table. That's what I was trying to do.
- You wanna lay it out on the table? - Yes!
Okay, then, go for it.
- You're emotionally unstable. - You're a prick.
You need professional help.
Oh, and this coming from a guy who just tried to kill himself.
Maybe I should try fucking all my problems away.
Well, maybe next time you should cut deeper.
Maggie: Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Shit.
Fuck.
( water running )
Come on. Fuck.
Come on, come on, come on.
There we go. There we go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go.
Come on!
( panting )
( spoon clatters )
( shatters )
Hey, I know I'm not supposed to come over here or anything,
but I want to talk to you, and I think you owe me that.
You owe me. That's what I think.
( clatters )
Listen, I'm sure your sister didn't mean what she said.
So, how do you make this work?
Like, how do you juggle a girlfriend and a son with guys like me?
Well, there aren't a lot of guys like you.
Gee, thanks, Teach.
No, not-- I mean, it's not a pattern.
Are you gay?
I...
I can make it work with Melinda,
and I really want to.
Well, good luck with that.
Don't-- can you-- what are you fucking doing, man?
That's not why I came over here.
- Milo... - What am I, some sort of forbidden fruit?
- No. - Or, like, some sort of--
what am I, like, a blow-up doll? What am I to you?
I treated you terribly. I know that.
But...
it's not because I don't care or because...
I don't respect you...
( voice breaking ) ...or because I don't love you.
It's because I'm a big pussy.
That's it.
I'm just a huge, pathetic pussy.
I could never be you.
You can crash on the couch, if you want.
Oh, um...
did you, by chance, read my script?
Yeah.
And?
It's great.
I'll definitely give it to my agent.
Bus driver on intercom: ...once again, this is the 528
leaving Nyack for Port Authority Bus Terminal.
Maggie's voice: I would do anything to take back what I said.
For what it's worth, I'm sorry.
I love you. ( Maggie laughs )
I screwed it up.
I do that a lot, I guess.
It's kind of my thing.
But I get it.
Dad just...
saw a way out.
I guess you did, too.
I'm not scared anymore.
I finally get it.
See you later.
( beeps )
( muffled splash )
( both coughing )
Breathe, breathe, breathe. You're okay.
- Are you okay? - ( coughs )
- ( panting ) - Shh, shh, shh, shh. You're okay.
All right, say something. Just say something.
- I'm okay. - You're okay.
You're okay, Jesus. You're okay.
( breathing evens out )
Breathe, you're okay.
You're here.
I'm here.
You're here.
( music playing )
( music continues )
( pop music playing )
¶ When I was a younger boy ¶
¶ I fell in love with a toy ¶
¶ She gave me all her love ¶
¶ She gave me so much ¶
¶ Now I can't go on ¶
¶ But I feel inside ¶
¶ All the love was right ¶
¶ Now I can go on ¶
¶ When I was the older man ¶
¶ I fell in love with a friend ¶
¶ She gave me all her love ¶
¶ She gave me the simple touch ¶
¶ Now I can't go on ¶
¶ When we get upset, no, I don't know why ¶
¶ I'm begging you ¶
¶ Oh, don't fight, don't fight ¶
¶ Give me one more chance to make it up to you ¶
¶ I wanna make it up ¶
¶ Don't fight, don't fight ¶
¶ Give me the chance, baby, to make it up to you ¶
¶ Give me the chance like we used to ¶
¶ But don't fight ¶
¶ When I was a younger boy ¶
¶ I used to find a girlfriend of mine ¶
¶ She gave me all her love ¶
¶ She gave me in the night ¶
¶ But I can't go on ¶
¶ And I don't want ¶
¶ To live without her ¶
¶ When I was the older guy ¶
¶ I fell in love with my teacher ¶
¶ She gave me everything ¶
¶ She gave me duet dreams ¶
¶ But I can't go on ¶
¶ And I won't fight and I won't give in ¶
¶ But I don't try ¶
¶ Whoa, don't fight. ¶
( instrumental music playing )