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00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,104
MAN:
Now, the West Wing was
built by Theodore Roosevelt
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00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:06,805
and was meant
to be temporary.
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00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:08,941
SKIP:
Hey, guys.
Welcome to the White House.
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00:00:08,943 --> 00:00:10,642
Sweet colonnade,
right?
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00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:12,778
It's just Latin
for "porch."
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00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:15,614
Uh...
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great idea.
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00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:17,616
We'll take a picture and
we'll post it online.
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00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:18,817
Your friends will be like,
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00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:21,453
"I know that guy! He's amazing!
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I remember when he burned down
that place."
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00:00:22,790 --> 00:00:23,956
If you would.
I'm afraid
there's no photography
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00:00:23,958 --> 00:00:25,457
on the White House tour,
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Mr. Gilchrist.
Take a... But take a picture.
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Sir. No.
Okay.
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I get it.
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This is your show.
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You're the real
star here.
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Please continue
showing them my house.
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Right this way.
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Ah, the Cabinet Room,
the scene of many negotiations
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that have shaped
the course of our nation.
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Hey. Sorry to
bother you again.
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Me again, White
House resident.
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Um... So, just wondering
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when we're gonna get
to the cool stuff?
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Like, you know, the
secret passageways.
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Or the closet where they keep
Grover Cleveland's skeleton.
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Those things don't exist.
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(quietly):
Then whose bones did I find?
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But when Lincoln proposed
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the vaunted land grant
colleges, many thought...
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Mr. Gilchrist!
(screams)
You scared me!
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Touching the busts
is not allowed.
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Well, then why even have
a bust of Wilford Brimley
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if you can't touch it?
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That is Theodore Roosevelt.
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You sure? You know who I'm
talking about, right? The-the...
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(deep voice):
"I got diabetes."
Yes.
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Look! This is
the People's House.
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And the people deserve
to touch whatever they want!
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(glass shattering)
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My cereal is soggy.
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I should dash.
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(glass crunching)
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♪ Oh, whoa-oh-oh, whoa.
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Today, the president welcomes
his brother, Doug Gilchrist,
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to the White House
for the very first time.
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As you may know, Mr. Gilchrist
is the owner-operator
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of the Las Vegas
Convention Center.
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The whole First Family
looks forward
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to catching up with Uncle Doug.
(Emily groans)
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I am not looking forward
to catching up with Uncle Doug.
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Come on.
He's only here for two days,
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and he's staying in a hotel.
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Because the White House
isn't good enough for him.
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You can be mad about seeing him
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00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:08,060
or you can be mad about
not seeing him.
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One of those might be enough.
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00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:11,096
He always takes
these little digs at you.
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At our wedding, he said
I would still be pretty enough
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to remarry when you die.
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Because I'm older than you
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and you're really hot.
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It's a solid dis.
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I'm not saying he's wrong.
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This will be tight for decades.
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But he shouldn't
have said it.
(groans)
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He's just busting my balls.
You know, it's classic brother
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back-and-forth.
Seems like a lot
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of forth and not a lot of back.
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Hey! There you are!
Hey.
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(laughing)
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Whoa. Great to see you.
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Whoa.
Okay.
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Hey.
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Offer still stands. Kidding!
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Am I kidding?
I don't know.
Am I?
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I don't know. I don't...
I'm kidding.
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Am I?
Hey.
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Mr. President.
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Psych.
Oh!
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Got me. How was the trip,
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00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:50,769
huh?
Well,
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00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:51,937
the Con-Con honcho
gave me a ride
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on his G-5 and
the stewardesses
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were Latvian, so...
(whistles)
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Whoa.
So,
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this is the Oval Office.
Yep.
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This is where I punch
the old time card.
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00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:03,615
It's a lot smaller
than I thought it would be.
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00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:04,783
You ever think about
pushing out the walls?
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00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:05,951
Yeah. Then we could add a couple
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video poker machines.
(laughs)
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Gaming in Washington?
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With Atlantic City
breathing down our neck?
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You want to get us killed?
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(Dale chuckles)
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Okay, guys, this interview
should be a breeze.
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00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,630
It's Mary Hart,
not Meet the Press.
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So, let's just do a dry run.
(clears throat)
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Tell me about the pregnancy.
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Any cravings? Nausea?
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No on cravings,
yes on nausea.
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Nothing I can't handle.
Next caller.
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Okay, D.B.,
that question was for Becca,
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and this is not
a phone interview.
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Why don't you let me handle
the interview portion
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00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:37,316
of the interview?
Great idea.
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And-and, D.B., you just...
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you just reassure them
with your smile.
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Damn. You've just got that
in your back pocket?
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It's how I got
into this situation.
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Well, if you guys got this,
I'm gonna head back to Old Navy.
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Stop smiling now.
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00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,164
Cool. See you, guys.
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BECCA (sighs):
I still can't believe
I even have to do this.
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I mean, the entire point
of these
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puff pieces is to scratch at you
until some emotion leaks out
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and then they feed
on you like vampires
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until there's nothing left
but a drained husk.
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00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,011
Maybe you should
just smile, too.
This should be a private matter,
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00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,846
but because of who I am,
I have to go on TV
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00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:10,349
and let them try and turn me
into some blubbering mess
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of a pregnant lady.
Well, think again, America.
Listen, Becca,
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I am spending my lunch trying
to turn my ex-girlfriend
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and the guy who impregnated her
into America's sweethearts.
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00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:21,360
I could be reading tweets.
I could be singing.
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00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:22,861
We were supposed to do
the interview prep last night
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00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:24,062
until you canceled.
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00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:25,697
I told you my uncle was sick.
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(knocking)
Need you for a sec.
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Yep.
Wait.
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I'm-I'm sorry.
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Is he doing okay?
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Well, uh, he's convinced that
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I'm one of his buddies
from the war.
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00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,072
So, yeah,
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00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,440
a little better.
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00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:46,218
(gasps)
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00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:49,454
Visiting your uncle?
(scoffs)
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00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:55,961
(scoffs)
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00:04:58,398 --> 00:05:01,166
Oh, God, what did I just do?!
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So, I ever tell you kids
about the time your old man
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chickened out of wrestling
Carmine Tambornini?
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00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,414
Uh, I don't think they want
to hear that old story.
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00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:18,750
(children talking excitedly)
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Doug, tell it,
tell it, tell it!
All right.
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00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:21,920
It was the day of the
final varsity match,
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00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,423
and your dad was supposed
to wrestle Carmine.
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00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:26,258
He was the biggest guy
in the district.
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00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:28,293
Last minute, he chickens out.
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(stutters)
I was sick.
(Skip clucks)
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00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,764
He chickens out.
(clucks)
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00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:35,267
No, I was sick.
He chickens out, so I got
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to take his place, okay?
And this Carmine,
this guy's a beast, okay?
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He's got more hair on his chest
than Skip has on his head.
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Is that even possible?
He gets me into a hold
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that pulled my jock so tight
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against my undercarriage,
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I couldn't pee right for a week.
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There's a new detail.
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But I refused to tap out.
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Then I hear a loud snap.
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The son of a bitch broke my arm.
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So Carmine got DQ'd
and I become
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00:05:59,293 --> 00:06:01,460
district champion
instead of your father.
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I had mono. It was...
(Doug laughs)
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00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:06,798
Mono? In high school?
The kissing disease?
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00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,135
Well...
What, you get it from Mom?
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00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,804
Dad, what he's implying
is so gross.
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00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,306
Okay. Enough fun
with Uncle Doug.
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00:06:14,308 --> 00:06:16,174
Terry and Mike are ready to
take you two back to school.
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DALE:
And, you know, I actually
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00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,344
have some work
to get to, so...
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Yeah, I guess that deficit
can't run itself up.
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SKIP (laughing):
Yeah, and Grandma can't
make out with herself.
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No one can.
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I-I did not chicken out.
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I had mono
from kissing many girls.
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Well, I'm glad he
doesn't bother you.
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Okay. You're right.
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The insults bug me.
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As do the stories,
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00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,831
which really are just
a string of insults
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00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:40,999
woven into a narrative.
(sighs)
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00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,334
I knew it.
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I knew he made you miserable.
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00:06:44,338 --> 00:06:46,505
Wait. Are you happy
right now?
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00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,340
No, sweetie, it's
more vindicated.
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Subtle distinction.
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00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:51,510
But I am not satisfied being
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00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,845
the king of the
convention business.
Nor should you.
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00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:56,181
That's why I'm working
on a new idea.
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00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:58,517
People are always complaining
that their commute is too long
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00:06:58,519 --> 00:07:00,352
and they got no time
to work out.
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00:07:00,354 --> 00:07:03,188
I have no commute and I never
work out, but I'm with you.
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00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:05,023
So we get a bunch
of free weights,
Uh-huh.
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00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,859
put 'em in the back
of a shuttle van, and boom--
199
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,194
Traffic Gym.
200
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,863
That sounds like "traffic jam."
201
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,398
You're a genius, Uncle Doug.
202
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,033
I'm just a businessman, Skip.
203
00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:16,535
Anyone can do it.
204
00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:19,070
You look at the market,
you see what's missing,
205
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,872
and you bring it to the people.
206
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:23,308
You bring it to the people.
207
00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:27,045
(whispering):
You ready for this?
208
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,047
Hey, look at me
when I'm talking to you.
209
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,216
I was.
210
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,285
Let's do it.
211
00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:37,389
GUIDE:
Finished in 1800,
the White House
Psst, psst,
212
00:07:37,391 --> 00:07:39,558
has been home
to every president...
psst, psst.
213
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,227
(whispers):
If you want to see
the real White House,
214
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:47,132
follow me.
...I have a particular detail
that John Adams added himself.
215
00:07:55,908 --> 00:08:00,078
Ladies and gentlemen, history
is about to come to life.
216
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,013
Thank you.
217
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,921
(knocking)
(whispers):
We're good, we're good.
218
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:11,957
No one knows
how the White House was built,
219
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:13,425
but there are many theories.
220
00:08:13,427 --> 00:08:16,428
Was it constructed
by aliens? Freemasons?
221
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:19,431
We may never know for sure.
It was built by slaves.
222
00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:22,100
Wh-What?
Uh, the White House
was built by slaves.
223
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:24,936
Oh, God. Really?
(sighs)
224
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,272
Whoo... whoo.
225
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,975
(gasps)
Ladies and gentlemen,
226
00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:32,110
feast your eyes upon
this historic portrait
227
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,946
of George Wa... shington.
228
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:37,115
Even better,
feast your hands.
229
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:39,451
Really get on up in here.
230
00:08:39,453 --> 00:08:43,121
Yeah. Grope that ancient paint.
Grope it.
231
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,956
(slaps hand)
Whoa. Too much groping.
232
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:46,458
We're leaving
fingerprints.
233
00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:48,960
I'm just gonna rub that off.
234
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:52,464
No, I'm making... I'm making it
much worse actually.
235
00:08:52,466 --> 00:08:54,966
You know, not a lot of
people know this, but,
236
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,135
uh, when Washington
ran out of ammunition,
237
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,970
he actually used
his wooden teeth
238
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:01,306
to chomp
through the British... troops.
239
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:03,975
(imitates buzzer)
Uh, he didn't have his false
teeth until after the war.
240
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,977
The wooden teeth are a myth.
241
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:08,146
No, it's not. They...
Actually, fossils suggest
242
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,481
tooth-on-bone marks...
(imitates buzzer)
243
00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:11,316
Wha... You know what?
I really appreciate
244
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:14,019
how engaged you are in this
tour, but I'm also wondering
245
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:16,655
if there are any other noises
that you make.
246
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:18,657
I'm sorry. It's just,
you know, facts are facts.
247
00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:20,725
Oh, no, no. I'm sorry.
That's a fact.
248
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:24,162
That's a fact.
249
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:25,363
I didn't send it.
How is that possible?
250
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:26,498
That is your number,
Marshall.
251
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:27,999
But I didn't do it.
Okay,
252
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,334
let me get
this straight.
Get it straight.
253
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,735
If you didn't send this,
who did?
254
00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:39,010
That's my coffee.
Mm!
255
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,179
I'm not supposed to have coffee
when I'm pregnant.
256
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:43,014
That is not your fault.
257
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,517
I know.
258
00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:47,586
(groans, squeaks)
259
00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:54,693
SKIP:
Touch his face. That's it.
Really get in there
260
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:57,028
and feel the... I-I want
to say fifth president.
261
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,530
Ooh, what a treat.
262
00:09:58,532 --> 00:10:00,398
My sister Becca, everybody.
263
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,534
Feel free to touch
her belly. That's it.
264
00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:05,236
It's the People's baby.
(groans)
Not now, Skip.
265
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,372
She really did not like that.
You know what?
266
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:09,541
This stinks. I mean,
you don't know your facts,
267
00:10:09,543 --> 00:10:12,077
and... Eh, not so much.
I know most of... I know.
268
00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:13,545
You're forcing us to touch
people against their will.
269
00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:15,213
Nobody's being forced
to do anything.
270
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:16,548
Is it too late to get back
on the official tour?
271
00:10:16,550 --> 00:10:17,716
(others murmuring in agreement)
272
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:19,384
Yes! Yes! Yes,
it is too late
273
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:20,585
to get back on
the official tour.
274
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:22,220
We don't even know
where they are right now.
275
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:24,723
Please, everyone,
just stick with me.
276
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:27,726
I have so... I have so much
amazing stuff in store.
277
00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:31,062
Russia's giving us the runaround
on the latest resolution.
278
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,731
Okay, propose it anyway.
279
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,333
Let's throw it back
in their court.
280
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:44,109
And where are we
on those wildfires?
281
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,411
Mostly contained but they've
damaged a few residential areas.
282
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:49,414
I want FEMA setting up
disaster relief ASAP,
283
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:52,584
and get Administrator Robertson
on the phone.
284
00:10:52,586 --> 00:10:55,754
Because his operations
are my operations.
285
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,122
Because I'm the boss
286
00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:59,090
of all operations,
287
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:01,593
and commander in chief
of the military.
288
00:11:01,595 --> 00:11:03,428
Dale.
289
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:04,596
What's your Wi-Fi password?
290
00:11:04,598 --> 00:11:06,264
We don't have Wi-Fi.
291
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:08,767
Even public rest stops
have Wi-Fi.
292
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,702
It's an old building.
293
00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:18,777
Get in there. Take pictures.
294
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,445
Really poke around, that's it.
295
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,113
In that third drawer,
Millard Fillmore
296
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,615
used to keep his undergarments.
297
00:11:23,617 --> 00:11:25,116
Were they men's?
Were they women's?
298
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,317
He'll never tell.
299
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,786
DALE:
I can't believe it.
300
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,120
I mean,
you warned me...
301
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:30,622
Oh, no. That's my dad.
302
00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:31,790
I'd know that low
rumble anywhere.
303
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,491
Uh, guys, don't freak out,
304
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:35,460
but we're going to make
an unplanned detour now
305
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,629
into the bathroom,
right in there--
306
00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:39,297
(stutters)
exits both ways--
307
00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:42,467
where I need total
pin-drop silence, okay?
308
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,803
Shh, shh.
I could not believe it.
309
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,138
I mean, he pulled aside
310
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,640
the Secretary of the Interior
311
00:11:48,642 --> 00:11:51,476
and told him
312
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,311
the Carmine wrestling story.
313
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:54,479
Should we be hearing this?
314
00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:55,480
No, probably not.
No, no.
315
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:56,648
DALE:
Somehow he connected it
316
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:59,150
to the allocation
of Indian lands.
317
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:00,819
It was actually a pretty
impressive segue.
318
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,153
Okay, Dale,
319
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,321
you've tried it your way.
320
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:04,322
Now will you please
321
00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:05,824
tell your brother how you feel?
322
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,826
(whispers):
Nobody else has this
kind of access.
323
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,327
DALE:
Fine.
324
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:11,329
Emotions. Words. Whatever.
325
00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:12,497
I'll give it a shot.
326
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,666
Really?
I got through to you?
327
00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:16,835
I'm so excited,
'cause I actually figured out
328
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:18,703
what's going on with him.
329
00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:21,172
It's all about
that damn wrestling match.
330
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,340
What are you talking about?
Okay,
331
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,342
so he broke his arm
and he couldn't meet
332
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:25,677
with the recruiter
from the Naval Academy.
333
00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:27,345
Right.
You end up at Annapolis,
334
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:28,680
he ends up at business school,
335
00:12:28,682 --> 00:12:30,849
your lives go in
two different directions.
336
00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:33,218
Doug's got to be wondering,
"What if?"
337
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:34,853
Hell, he probably thinks
he should be president.
338
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,521
Oh, my God,
it's all coming together.
339
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:38,223
Greek tragedy.
I'm a genius.
340
00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:39,858
This seems like
private family business.
341
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:42,527
I-I agree with you.
DALE:
...over a pair of jean shorts.
342
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:43,695
Forget that.
343
00:12:43,697 --> 00:12:45,196
This talking
to your brother thing...
344
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:46,865
that is still happening.
345
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,867
(sighs):
I guess so.
346
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:50,869
Come on, you'll do great.
347
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:52,771
I have faith in you.
348
00:12:54,874 --> 00:12:57,408
(whispers):
Celebrities:
they're just like us.
349
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,944
They're just like us.
350
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:12,390
So, this is good.
351
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,425
You and me, talking.
352
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,261
Yeah.
353
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:19,731
Ooh, it's humid in D.C.
354
00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:21,900
It's hot like Nevada,
355
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,902
but it's not a dry heat.
356
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,603
Yeah, Nevada's a dry heat.
357
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:27,739
(sighs)
358
00:13:27,741 --> 00:13:30,408
D.C.'s got
great seafood.
359
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:33,311
Well, it's closer
to the ocean.
360
00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:38,583
Would you excuse
me for a second?
361
00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:39,984
Sure.
362
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:44,422
And so I told my husband,
363
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:45,990
a card is not a gift.
Right.
364
00:13:48,928 --> 00:13:51,262
How's the talking going?
365
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,431
We're discussing humidity
and shellfish.
366
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:55,600
Though it's been
pretty heartfelt.
367
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:56,935
Okay.
368
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:58,469
Do you want me to
help get you started?
369
00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,939
(grumbles):
No... you know...
370
00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:02,507
Yeah.
371
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:09,480
Hey, Marshall.
372
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:10,949
Just, you know,
getting in the zone,
373
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,450
getting ready for the interview,
so now's not...
374
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:13,952
Excuse me, could you give
us a second, please?
375
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:16,287
...really a great time for me.
376
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:17,956
What in the hell
are you thinking?
377
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,624
I don't know
what you're talking about.
378
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:21,626
You pretended to be me and
you sent a text from my phone.
379
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:23,962
Yes, okay, I maybe do know
what you're talking about.
380
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,630
But you know what,
you lied to me first.
381
00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:26,664
You said that you were
382
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:27,966
going to visit your uncle,
383
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:29,334
but you went on a date
with Vanessa.
384
00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:30,635
I did go visit my uncle,
385
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:31,803
and then I went
on a date afterwards.
386
00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:32,971
I am an adult, Becca.
387
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,639
I can use the whole night.
388
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,307
Okay.
Okay.
389
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,476
See, I thought this was
one of those situations
390
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:39,811
where I did one thing wrong,
391
00:14:39,813 --> 00:14:42,313
you did one thing wrong,
but now it turns out
392
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:43,681
that I did two things
wrong, and...
393
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,316
you did no things wrong.
394
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:46,651
Yup.
You know,
395
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,653
my pregnancy is really
taking a toll on me,
396
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:49,988
and my hormones,
397
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,489
Really? Really?
they're just acting like
398
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:52,690
Really? After all of that
crazy.
399
00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:53,992
"pregnancy won't
change me" talk,
400
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,326
now you're suddenly
overcome with hormones?
401
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,694
I can see how it would be
402
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:58,997
very easy to use
my own words against me.
403
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,999
Anyway, anyway, why do you care
who I go out on a date with?
404
00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:02,500
You're with D.B.
405
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:03,501
I'm moving on,
I thought we were cool.
406
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:04,836
We are cool, okay?
407
00:15:04,838 --> 00:15:06,337
Super cool.
408
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:07,672
So, just move on
wherever you want, date...
409
00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:10,008
Hey, guys. Got my
interview shirt on.
410
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,343
Flattering stripes,
radical patch,
411
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:13,678
$14.94 in the kids' section.
412
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:14,913
Let's do this thing.
413
00:15:16,882 --> 00:15:18,683
Okay, guys, this is just stupid.
414
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,685
Doug, Dale feels like you never
give him a compliment.
415
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:21,719
Are you kidding?
416
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:22,854
I always compliment him
417
00:15:22,856 --> 00:15:24,355
on the size of his huge head.
418
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:25,523
See, you're doing it right now.
419
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:27,025
You pretend you're joking,
420
00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:28,760
but you undercut Dale
whenever you get the chance.
421
00:15:30,562 --> 00:15:32,030
I-It's true, Doug.
422
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:33,898
Uh... you do it, well,
423
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:35,867
you do it all the time.
424
00:15:35,869 --> 00:15:38,870
And no matter what I do,
I can't impress you.
425
00:15:38,872 --> 00:15:40,104
You really feel that way?
426
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,374
Yeah, I do.
427
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:45,410
Look, I'm just
busting your balls.
428
00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:46,878
That's what brothers do.
429
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,379
That's what I told her.
430
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,714
Of course
I'm proud of you.
431
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:50,715
I'm proud as hell.
432
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:51,883
I brag about you
433
00:15:51,885 --> 00:15:53,551
every chance I get--
ask anybody
434
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:54,719
in the convention industry.
435
00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:56,387
I just figured you knew.
436
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:57,889
Now I do.
437
00:15:57,891 --> 00:16:00,725
Doug... thanks.
438
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:01,893
EMILY:
This is good.
439
00:16:01,895 --> 00:16:04,562
I'm proud of you two
440
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:05,897
for listening to me.
441
00:16:05,899 --> 00:16:08,066
Proud of me
for making you listen.
442
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,735
We did it.
443
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,403
(Emily sighs)
444
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:13,738
Scotch?
445
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,407
Hell, yes.
Yeah.
446
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:17,909
You know, it actually
447
00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:20,078
feels good talking.
448
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,579
I'm surprised to say I agree.
449
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:22,947
Funny thing, Emily had
450
00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:26,084
this crazy theory that
your life took a turn
451
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:27,752
after that wrestling match.
452
00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:29,454
(laughs)
453
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:30,755
That's why you're always
454
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,757
telling that story, and...
455
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:35,026
what-- ah, forget about it.
456
00:16:36,428 --> 00:16:38,096
Huh.
457
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:39,597
I like to say
that I'm not a pregnant woman,
458
00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:42,467
but a woman
who happens to be pregnant.
459
00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:44,102
I like that.
You reversed it.
460
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:45,803
Thank you.
(sighs)
461
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:47,605
You know, it's very
important to me
462
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:49,607
that I be a strong role model
for young women.
463
00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:52,477
My pregnancy doesn't
make me any less capable.
464
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:53,811
And D.B.,
465
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:57,682
this must be quite a
change for you, too.
466
00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:05,957
Well, your goals
are admirable, Becca.
467
00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:08,626
But I think what I and
the American people
468
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:09,794
want to know is,
469
00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,462
how are you feeling?
470
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,831
Even role models have
moments of doubt.
471
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:15,133
I don't.
472
00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:16,467
Are you sure?
473
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,136
I am.
474
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:19,704
But are you?
475
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:23,141
Well, it's a lot of pressure,
476
00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,976
being pregnant
in the public eye.
477
00:17:24,978 --> 00:17:26,677
Everybody has an opinion.
478
00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:27,812
Yeah, there's even a blog
479
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,147
dedicated to pictures
of my belly.
480
00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:30,648
BeccaBellyBlog.com.
481
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:33,484
The comments are hilarious.
482
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:36,654
We are going through
a very private thing
483
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,156
in front of
millions of people,
484
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:40,658
and, well, that can
start to get to you.
485
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:43,661
You know, sometimes...
486
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:44,829
sometimes you'll
just do things
487
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,497
that you can't explain.
488
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:49,500
You know, one minute
I want a burrito
489
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,669
and then the next minute
you're freaking out
490
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,004
because a button
flew off your coat,
491
00:17:53,006 --> 00:17:54,505
and now here I am,
492
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:57,008
crying on national television
like an idiot.
493
00:17:57,010 --> 00:17:58,176
Here.
494
00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,178
Thank you.
495
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,013
(choking up):
It's just that pregnancy
496
00:18:02,015 --> 00:18:05,016
is a really beautiful time
in a woman's life.
497
00:18:05,018 --> 00:18:08,186
This is the first time
she seems human.
498
00:18:08,188 --> 00:18:09,687
Yeah, she does.
499
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:10,888
It's just so intense.
500
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,190
I mean, we made a person
501
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,525
and it lives inside of her.
502
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:15,726
(Becca sobs)
503
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:16,894
May I?
504
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,062
Oh, sure.
505
00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:19,530
Knock yourself out,
506
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:21,265
Mary Hart.
507
00:18:23,735 --> 00:18:26,104
(Becca sobs)
508
00:18:32,544 --> 00:18:34,545
The wrestling match
was a turning point.
509
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:35,880
If your arm was broken,
510
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:38,049
I would've applied
to the Naval Academy.
511
00:18:38,051 --> 00:18:39,550
Well, sure, I went
512
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:40,918
to business school,
graduated fifth in my class.
513
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,086
Would've been higher if I wasn't
514
00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:43,554
dating two girls
at the same time.
515
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:44,889
But if I was in the military,
516
00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:46,591
I would've won
as many medals as you.
517
00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:47,592
Probably more.
Wait, wait,
518
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:48,726
wait, they don't just give
519
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:49,727
those medals to anybody.
520
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:50,728
I would've been the one
521
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:52,730
coming back to Nevada a hero.
522
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:54,732
With a chestful of medals,
I'm a no-brainer for governor.
523
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:56,567
I fought a really tough race
to become governor.
524
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:58,603
Next thing you know, I'm
barnstorming across Iowa,
525
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:00,938
and wap-bam-boom,
hail to the chief, baby.
526
00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:03,074
It's like when my
arm was broken,
527
00:19:03,076 --> 00:19:04,575
we switched lives.
528
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,644
(Dale laughs)
529
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:13,918
I should be president.
530
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,753
Get out of my chair, Doug.
531
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:16,921
Make me.
532
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,256
I mean, maybe I
care too much,
533
00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,924
and that's why
I get involved.
534
00:19:19,926 --> 00:19:21,259
But I know I can help.
535
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:22,760
I mean, look at
Doug and Dale.
536
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,128
That's decades
of tension
537
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:25,263
I can relieve.
538
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:27,098
Is it a gift,
a burden?
539
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:28,599
Is it both?
540
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:30,268
(scuffling)
541
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,636
DALE:
You want some of this?!
542
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:33,104
(both shouting)
543
00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:34,272
(grunting)
544
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,973
(grunting)
545
00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:37,775
(grunting)
546
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:39,777
Guys!
547
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,145
No, no, no, no, no, no.
548
00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:43,114
This is family, guys,
I can handle it.
549
00:19:43,116 --> 00:19:45,283
Yeah? I don't think
you can handle it.
550
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:46,951
Oh, shut up!
551
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,286
(screams)
552
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:50,288
(Emily gasps)
553
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:51,956
Okay, I'm not gonna
sugarcoat it.
554
00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:53,624
This is a major setback.
555
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:55,993
(groaning)
Why don't you stop
556
00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:58,162
roughhousing
and talk like adults?
557
00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,631
(screaming)
558
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:02,967
Talking is what got us
into this.
559
00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:04,969
Tap out.
560
00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:06,304
It's not gonna happen.
561
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:08,639
Tap out, you stubborn ass.
Stop!
562
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:09,840
Tap out.
563
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:11,175
You're gonna have
to break my arm.
564
00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:12,643
Fine.
565
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:15,713
(panting)
566
00:20:16,982 --> 00:20:18,316
Fine.
567
00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:19,984
(Doug grunts)
568
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:21,652
This is ridiculous.
569
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:23,154
I knew you weren't
as tough as me.
570
00:20:23,156 --> 00:20:24,822
No. I never was.
571
00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:26,157
I chickened out, okay?
572
00:20:26,159 --> 00:20:27,658
What?
573
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:28,659
Yeah, I've been lying
574
00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:30,661
about that day for 40 years.
575
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:31,829
I wasn't sick.
576
00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:34,332
I was scared to wrestle Carmine.
577
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,000
He was the size of a bear
578
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:37,668
and he had a full mustache.
579
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:40,171
I pretended I had mono,
and I stayed home.
580
00:20:40,173 --> 00:20:41,339
I knew it.
581
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:44,041
You always looked
out for me, man.
582
00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:45,343
You always did, and I know
583
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:47,845
I would not be where I am today
584
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:51,182
if you didn't wrestle
Carmine Tambornini.
585
00:20:51,184 --> 00:20:54,418
Well, that's all
I ever wanted to hear.
586
00:20:59,024 --> 00:21:01,359
(Dale panting)
587
00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:03,861
Come here.
588
00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:05,930
(both laughing)
589
00:21:07,032 --> 00:21:08,699
You hug like an
old woman.
590
00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:09,700
(scattered applause)
591
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:11,035
This is amazing.
592
00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:13,204
Amazing!
593
00:21:13,206 --> 00:21:14,905
Ladies and gentlemen,
594
00:21:14,907 --> 00:21:17,041
that concludes
our adventure.
595
00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:18,876
If you liked it, I hope
you'll tell your friends--
596
00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:20,378
"Skip the Tour."
597
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:21,712
Out of the office, Skip.
598
00:21:21,714 --> 00:21:22,713
And we're moving on.
599
00:21:22,715 --> 00:21:24,448
We're moving as quickly
as possible, guys.
600
00:21:26,885 --> 00:21:30,187
Oh, hey-hey, uh?
(laughs)