1
00:00:01,333 --> 00:00:03,677
Oh, you look pretty sharp tonight, Earl.
2
00:00:03,797 --> 00:00:04,922
Going somewhere special?
3
00:00:05,042 --> 00:00:06,987
Max, I am free, black, and 75.
4
00:00:07,107 --> 00:00:09,067
Who knows what the night will bring?
5
00:00:10,737 --> 00:00:12,100
Well, here's a twenty.
6
00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:14,106
Can you break this the way
you just broke my heart?
7
00:00:14,643 --> 00:00:16,342
Pop-pop.
8
00:00:18,173 --> 00:00:19,374
Look at all this.
9
00:00:19,494 --> 00:00:21,015
People really tipped us well tonight.
10
00:00:21,135 --> 00:00:22,406
Yeah, well, don't get used to it.
11
00:00:22,526 --> 00:00:24,755
Thanksgiving is almost here,
and as soon as people realize
12
00:00:24,875 --> 00:00:25,795
how much money they have to spend
13
00:00:25,797 --> 00:00:28,081
on holiday gifts, their
wallets snap tighter
14
00:00:28,083 --> 00:00:32,469
than Kim Kardashian's legs after
the wedding check cleared.
15
00:00:32,471 --> 00:00:34,420
I've always loved this time of year...
16
00:00:34,422 --> 00:00:38,191
spiced pumpkin lattes,
bringing my winter furs out,
17
00:00:38,193 --> 00:00:39,526
then bringing my winter furs
18
00:00:39,528 --> 00:00:41,945
to the dry cleaner's to get
the red peta paint out.
19
00:00:41,947 --> 00:00:45,598
For me, it was jumping
into a pile of leaves
20
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:49,536
and finding a used condom.
21
00:00:50,772 --> 00:00:53,156
What's up, children of the corn?
22
00:00:53,158 --> 00:00:56,543
I will stay tonight and decorate diner
23
00:00:56,545 --> 00:00:58,995
for American holiday of Thanksgiving.
24
00:00:58,997 --> 00:01:02,082
Wow. I'm surprised you got the
right holiday decorations.
25
00:01:02,084 --> 00:01:04,951
Last month, you put out Easter
bunnies for Yom Kippur.
26
00:01:04,953 --> 00:01:08,838
So many Jewish holidays, I
cannot Wikipedia them all.
27
00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:12,309
What, like I don't got a life?
28
00:01:12,311 --> 00:01:14,761
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
29
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,237
My father and I had a very special
30
00:01:24,239 --> 00:01:25,488
Thanksgiving tradition every year.
31
00:01:25,490 --> 00:01:26,823
Oh, let me guess.
32
00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:29,409
You'd fly someplace like the
Bahamas, lay by the pool,
33
00:01:29,411 --> 00:01:32,112
and he'd light other people's
stolen money on fire?
34
00:01:32,114 --> 00:01:34,781
No. We'd rent out the
Waldorf Astoria ballrooms
35
00:01:34,783 --> 00:01:36,082
and feed the homeless.
36
00:01:36,084 --> 00:01:38,985
Don't look at me right now.
37
00:01:38,987 --> 00:01:41,171
And after, we'd fly down
to our home in St. Barts
38
00:01:41,173 --> 00:01:42,155
for two weeks.
39
00:01:42,157 --> 00:01:43,790
Okay, you can look at me again.
40
00:01:43,792 --> 00:01:47,127
I stayed at the Waldorf Astoria once...
41
00:01:47,129 --> 00:01:48,595
beautiful hotel.
42
00:01:48,597 --> 00:01:50,463
$50 for a hamburger?
43
00:01:50,465 --> 00:01:53,216
For that money, it should eat me first.
44
00:01:53,218 --> 00:01:57,637
Okay, ready to go?
45
00:01:57,639 --> 00:01:59,556
Han, if you'd really like to
do something in the diner
46
00:01:59,558 --> 00:02:01,274
to honor the spirit of Thanksgiving,
47
00:02:01,276 --> 00:02:02,859
you can open your doors
and feed the homeless.
48
00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:05,312
Yeah, put your money
where your cornstalk is.
49
00:02:06,097 --> 00:02:07,847
Caroline and I will work for free.
50
00:02:07,849 --> 00:02:10,233
Isn't it enough that when
I see them on the street,
51
00:02:10,235 --> 00:02:13,019
I smile and pretend
to fumble for change?
52
00:02:13,021 --> 00:02:15,322
No, it isn't.
53
00:02:15,324 --> 00:02:17,690
You can afford to open
the diner for one night.
54
00:02:17,692 --> 00:02:20,243
You can't put a price tag on
those kind of emotional rewards.
55
00:02:20,245 --> 00:02:23,363
Yes, I can. $18 for 16-pound turkey,
56
00:02:23,365 --> 00:02:25,215
and I will need many of them.
57
00:02:25,217 --> 00:02:27,050
There...price tag.
58
00:02:27,052 --> 00:02:30,420
Here, I will pay for turkeys.
59
00:02:30,422 --> 00:02:31,871
Jeez, dude, where'd you get that?
60
00:02:31,873 --> 00:02:33,706
I sell cigarettes from New Hampshire
61
00:02:33,708 --> 00:02:35,842
to schoolkids in New York.
62
00:02:35,844 --> 00:02:38,228
It is a good profit and beautiful drive.
63
00:02:38,230 --> 00:02:40,397
I love the leaves.
64
00:02:40,399 --> 00:02:42,182
All right.
65
00:02:42,184 --> 00:02:45,769
I'm feeling y'all. I'll bring the pie.
66
00:02:45,771 --> 00:02:48,021
My mother used to make
the best chocolate pie.
67
00:02:48,023 --> 00:02:49,322
I remember one time she got so mad
68
00:02:49,324 --> 00:02:50,690
at this white woman she worked for,
69
00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,942
she took this chocolate
pie into the bathroom...
70
00:02:52,944 --> 00:02:55,678
No, hold up. That was from the help.
71
00:02:59,367 --> 00:03:02,452
I know it's not Burberry
like we're used to,
72
00:03:02,454 --> 00:03:04,788
but I'm telling you,
used moving blankets
73
00:03:04,790 --> 00:03:06,256
are gonna be in this year.
74
00:03:06,258 --> 00:03:08,541
Who's a trendsetter?
75
00:03:08,543 --> 00:03:11,661
We're really lucky November is so warm.
76
00:03:11,663 --> 00:03:14,097
Another thing I'm giving thanks
for this Thanksgiving...
77
00:03:14,099 --> 00:03:15,598
global warming.
78
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:19,803
I think the three remaining
polar bears would disagree.
79
00:03:19,805 --> 00:03:22,272
Max, it's time to teach me how to bake.
80
00:03:22,274 --> 00:03:23,523
Okay, well, if we're doing that,
81
00:03:23,525 --> 00:03:25,141
first I have to go get baked.
82
00:03:25,143 --> 00:03:27,093
I'm serious.
83
00:03:27,095 --> 00:03:28,761
It's the beginning of
the holiday season,
84
00:03:28,763 --> 00:03:30,780
and with all the potential
Christmas cupcakes
85
00:03:30,782 --> 00:03:32,148
and festive gift baskets,
86
00:03:32,150 --> 00:03:33,983
you're gonna need as much
help as you can get.
87
00:03:33,985 --> 00:03:36,602
Festive holiday gift baskets?
88
00:03:36,604 --> 00:03:37,570
No way.
89
00:03:37,572 --> 00:03:38,822
I'm not into all that crap.
90
00:03:38,824 --> 00:03:40,440
Oh, no. Are you gonna be one of those,
91
00:03:40,442 --> 00:03:42,492
"I am too cool to believe in
the wonders of Christmas"
92
00:03:42,494 --> 00:03:44,127
type of bitches?
93
00:03:44,129 --> 00:03:47,613
I am so many types of bitches,
94
00:03:47,615 --> 00:03:48,882
I've lost count.
95
00:03:48,884 --> 00:03:53,002
And the only wonder of
Christmas I'm aware of is...
96
00:03:53,004 --> 00:03:55,138
I wonder how you're gonna
keep up that attitude
97
00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:56,473
through Christmas this year.
98
00:03:56,475 --> 00:03:59,142
Why, because this is my first
holiday without any money?
99
00:03:59,144 --> 00:04:01,511
Uh, yeah.
100
00:04:01,513 --> 00:04:02,679
Money isn't what makes
101
00:04:02,681 --> 00:04:05,081
the holidays special, Max.
102
00:04:05,083 --> 00:04:06,816
Uh, yeah.
103
00:04:06,818 --> 00:04:09,135
The holidays are totally about money.
104
00:04:09,137 --> 00:04:10,803
It's about spending money to buy things
105
00:04:10,805 --> 00:04:13,273
to stuff into the giant
black sucking hole
106
00:04:13,275 --> 00:04:14,941
in the center of each
of us that reminds us
107
00:04:14,943 --> 00:04:18,111
life is hard and then we die.
108
00:04:18,113 --> 00:04:20,697
And that's my Christmas card.
109
00:04:20,699 --> 00:04:23,950
Max, I'm aware this holiday
season will be challenging,
110
00:04:23,952 --> 00:04:25,651
will I miss my 20-foot Christmas tree
111
00:04:25,653 --> 00:04:28,154
decorated by ten gay men? Yes.
112
00:04:28,156 --> 00:04:29,923
Will I miss those ten gay men
113
00:04:29,925 --> 00:04:33,826
outing my cousin Steven
before he was ready? No.
114
00:04:33,828 --> 00:04:35,712
My holiday spirit is
bigger than my money.
115
00:04:35,714 --> 00:04:37,096
So come on, teach me how to bake.
116
00:04:37,098 --> 00:04:38,264
We only have a couple weeks.
117
00:04:38,266 --> 00:04:41,100
Fine. Pour a cup of milk into the mixer.
118
00:04:41,102 --> 00:04:42,452
This will be fun.
119
00:04:42,454 --> 00:04:44,888
When I was little, I used
to make my father cakes
120
00:04:44,890 --> 00:04:46,756
in my easy-bake oven.
121
00:04:46,758 --> 00:04:49,859
My easy-bake oven was repossessed.
122
00:04:49,861 --> 00:04:54,197
So, um, speaking of your
father, are you doing okay?
123
00:04:54,199 --> 00:04:55,448
I mean, this is a hard time of year
124
00:04:55,450 --> 00:04:57,484
for people who have
feelings, and just...
125
00:04:57,486 --> 00:05:00,119
With your father in prison,
how are you doing?
126
00:05:00,121 --> 00:05:01,538
I'm doing great.
127
00:05:01,540 --> 00:05:03,623
I actually just found out
that since it's Thanksgiving,
128
00:05:03,625 --> 00:05:05,792
they're allowing me to come
see him for the first time.
129
00:05:05,794 --> 00:05:07,844
Well, that excitement
will probably taper off
130
00:05:07,846 --> 00:05:10,246
after the full-body cavity search.
131
00:05:10,248 --> 00:05:11,915
I don't know. I might like it.
132
00:05:11,917 --> 00:05:15,218
It's been a while since I've
had any cavities searched.
133
00:05:15,220 --> 00:05:18,704
All right. Pour the milk, slut.
134
00:05:21,058 --> 00:05:23,092
One cup milk.
135
00:05:23,094 --> 00:05:24,143
There, how's that?
136
00:05:24,145 --> 00:05:25,094
Good.
137
00:05:25,096 --> 00:05:29,382
Now into the mixer.
138
00:05:29,384 --> 00:05:30,716
There, how was that?
139
00:05:30,718 --> 00:05:32,519
Uh-uh. We're not playing
140
00:05:32,521 --> 00:05:35,822
"Rich girl gets a trophy every
time she does something normal"
141
00:05:35,824 --> 00:05:37,440
Just cover the bowl with the towel
142
00:05:37,442 --> 00:05:39,325
so it doesn't splash
out, and turn it on.
143
00:05:41,028 --> 00:05:42,161
Oh, it's not plugged in.
144
00:05:42,163 --> 00:05:44,948
Oh. Right.
145
00:05:44,950 --> 00:05:47,884
No, not without the towel!
146
00:05:50,738 --> 00:05:54,424
Christmas comes but once a year,
147
00:05:54,426 --> 00:05:57,377
and I think it just did.
148
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,502
Wow. These high-end mixers
are a lot of money.
149
00:06:05,504 --> 00:06:07,254
I thought if we came to
a big department store,
150
00:06:07,256 --> 00:06:09,172
there'd be a lot of them, and
the prices would be better.
151
00:06:09,174 --> 00:06:10,207
We can't afford these.
152
00:06:10,209 --> 00:06:12,042
How much did you think they'd be?
153
00:06:12,044 --> 00:06:13,426
I don't know.
154
00:06:13,428 --> 00:06:15,428
I guess I'm not used
to looking at prices.
155
00:06:15,430 --> 00:06:18,815
I usually just point,
pout, and it's purchased.
156
00:06:18,817 --> 00:06:21,268
Yeah, I had a version of
that, only it was more like,
157
00:06:21,270 --> 00:06:22,936
point, and when they look the other way,
158
00:06:22,938 --> 00:06:25,438
stuff steaks down your pants and run.
159
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,057
Come on, there has to be a
mixer here we can afford.
160
00:06:28,059 --> 00:06:30,860
There is.
161
00:06:30,862 --> 00:06:32,562
Here.
162
00:06:32,564 --> 00:06:35,582
A $5 spoon? That's what we can afford?
163
00:06:35,584 --> 00:06:38,952
Yeah, if we put it on layaway,
work hard for a few years.
164
00:06:38,954 --> 00:06:40,837
I'm used to being poor
around your stuff,
165
00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:43,173
but not around stuff that I want.
166
00:06:43,175 --> 00:06:45,375
What happened to all your
"money's not important"
167
00:06:45,377 --> 00:06:46,543
holiday spirit now?
168
00:06:46,545 --> 00:06:48,211
Max, it feels like you want me
169
00:06:48,213 --> 00:06:49,912
to be depressed about the holidays.
170
00:06:49,914 --> 00:06:52,098
No, no. I'm just saying
that it's okay for you
171
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:53,516
not to be all up and
everything around me
172
00:06:53,518 --> 00:06:54,684
if you're not feeling it.
173
00:06:54,686 --> 00:06:56,469
It's all right to let
your dark side out.
174
00:06:56,471 --> 00:06:58,855
Come to the dark side.
175
00:06:58,857 --> 00:07:00,607
Oh, my God.
176
00:07:00,609 --> 00:07:02,425
Look, they're hiring elves.
177
00:07:02,427 --> 00:07:03,760
Why would I go to the dark side
178
00:07:03,762 --> 00:07:05,895
when I could go to Santaworld?
179
00:07:05,897 --> 00:07:08,448
Let's go get in line.
I've always loved Santaworld.
180
00:07:08,450 --> 00:07:10,600
Me too, as a David Sedaris story,
181
00:07:10,602 --> 00:07:12,068
not as an actual real-life option.
182
00:07:12,070 --> 00:07:13,320
Come on.
183
00:07:13,322 --> 00:07:15,438
If we get hired, we could
use our employee discount
184
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,958
to get one of the really
good cake mixers.
185
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,076
And then it'd be like
it came from Santa!
186
00:07:20,078 --> 00:07:22,945
Come on, Max, we'd be great elves.
187
00:07:22,947 --> 00:07:25,465
I have the holiday spirit.
You're great with kids.
188
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:27,417
And we're both so desperate for money,
189
00:07:27,419 --> 00:07:29,952
we'll wear other people's tights.
190
00:07:29,954 --> 00:07:32,138
Max, I've been coming to
this store at Christmastime
191
00:07:32,140 --> 00:07:33,923
with my father since I was little.
192
00:07:33,925 --> 00:07:36,593
I'd get all dressed up in my
fanciest winter coat and hat
193
00:07:36,595 --> 00:07:38,728
and then stand in line to see Santa
194
00:07:38,730 --> 00:07:41,097
with my hands in my muff.
195
00:07:46,103 --> 00:07:50,106
And they didn't throw you out?
196
00:07:50,108 --> 00:07:53,243
There is nothing Christmas-y
about this hallway.
197
00:07:53,245 --> 00:07:55,445
It looks like the place Santa
sends promiscuous elves
198
00:07:55,447 --> 00:07:58,365
to get the results of their S.T.D. test.
199
00:07:58,367 --> 00:08:00,500
Okay, that's the kind of comment
200
00:08:00,502 --> 00:08:02,452
that almost got us knocked
out of the first round.
201
00:08:02,454 --> 00:08:04,371
You're lucky I edited your application.
202
00:08:04,373 --> 00:08:05,789
Why, what was so bad?
203
00:08:05,791 --> 00:08:09,492
You requested to work in
Santa's sex toy shop.
204
00:08:09,494 --> 00:08:10,877
Max, that's not even a thing.
205
00:08:10,879 --> 00:08:14,097
Tell that to my
candy-cane-shaped vibrator.
206
00:08:14,099 --> 00:08:16,883
Max!
207
00:08:16,885 --> 00:08:21,003
I call it "Santa's big helper."
208
00:08:21,005 --> 00:08:23,606
Please try and get into
the holiday spirit.
209
00:08:23,608 --> 00:08:24,974
I know. If we get hired,
210
00:08:24,976 --> 00:08:27,694
we'll go right home and watch
Miracle on 34th Street.
211
00:08:27,696 --> 00:08:29,813
It'll be a miracle on 34th Street
212
00:08:29,815 --> 00:08:32,014
if we make it out of the
bottom of this slave ship
213
00:08:32,016 --> 00:08:34,234
without elf scurvy.
214
00:08:34,236 --> 00:08:35,902
Hi.
215
00:08:35,904 --> 00:08:39,289
I couldn't help but overhear you
mention Miracle on 34th Street.
216
00:08:39,291 --> 00:08:41,458
That's my absolute
favorite Christmas movie.
217
00:08:41,460 --> 00:08:42,709
Mine too!
218
00:08:42,711 --> 00:08:44,911
My second favorite is
It's A Wonderful Life.
219
00:08:44,913 --> 00:08:46,162
Mine too!
220
00:08:46,164 --> 00:08:49,198
I've got Schindler's List on Blu-Ray.
221
00:08:52,086 --> 00:08:55,004
- Hi. I'm Mary.
- I'm Caroline.
222
00:08:55,006 --> 00:08:56,389
Hi. I'm Mary.
223
00:08:56,391 --> 00:08:58,641
It's cool. We don't need to talk.
224
00:08:58,643 --> 00:09:00,977
That's Max. She's kind of
a Grinch about Christmas.
225
00:09:00,979 --> 00:09:02,929
Oh, like my brother Patrick...
226
00:09:02,931 --> 00:09:05,432
He's always teasing me
about loving Christmas.
227
00:09:05,434 --> 00:09:08,568
He calls me "Mary Christmas."
228
00:09:08,570 --> 00:09:10,520
Get it?
229
00:09:10,522 --> 00:09:13,156
It's 'cause my name is Mary.
230
00:09:13,158 --> 00:09:14,891
I can't help it.
231
00:09:14,893 --> 00:09:16,860
It's my favorite time of year.
232
00:09:16,862 --> 00:09:18,778
- Mine too.
- Yo.
233
00:09:18,780 --> 00:09:21,414
Disconnect before it's too late.
234
00:09:21,416 --> 00:09:23,783
Don't be so cynical.
235
00:09:23,785 --> 00:09:25,085
Especially Christmas Eve.
236
00:09:25,087 --> 00:09:27,403
It's an O'Brien family tradition.
237
00:09:27,405 --> 00:09:29,005
All seven of my sisters and brothers...
238
00:09:29,007 --> 00:09:32,008
we line up on the staircase in
our brand-new Christmas PJ's
239
00:09:32,010 --> 00:09:33,176
and have our picture taken.
240
00:09:33,178 --> 00:09:36,513
Bitch is 30.
241
00:09:39,851 --> 00:09:41,918
It's my father.
242
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,420
Hi, Daddy. You'll never guess
where I am right now...
243
00:09:44,422 --> 00:09:47,307
applying for a job at Santaworld.
244
00:09:47,309 --> 00:09:49,309
No, it's not depressing at all.
245
00:09:49,311 --> 00:09:53,363
The man's in prison, and he
thinks this is depressing.
246
00:09:53,365 --> 00:09:56,282
Oh. Are you sure?
247
00:09:56,284 --> 00:09:59,786
It's really not that far.
248
00:09:59,788 --> 00:10:02,956
Okay. If that's what you want.
249
00:10:02,958 --> 00:10:06,609
Call me on Thanksgiving. Love you.
250
00:10:06,611 --> 00:10:08,545
He thought about it and
doesn't want me to come.
251
00:10:08,547 --> 00:10:10,797
He said he can't face
having me see him in there.
252
00:10:10,799 --> 00:10:13,883
- You okay?
- Fine.
253
00:10:13,885 --> 00:10:16,285
Quiet, please, people.
I have an announcement.
254
00:10:16,287 --> 00:10:19,839
Everyone in this corridor has
been chosen to be an elf.
255
00:10:19,841 --> 00:10:21,174
Mazel.
256
00:10:21,176 --> 00:10:23,292
Yay, we're elves.
257
00:10:23,294 --> 00:10:26,062
Report to work at 3:00 A.M.
the morning of Black Friday.
258
00:10:28,232 --> 00:10:29,315
Ooh!
259
00:10:29,317 --> 00:10:31,100
This is so exciting!
260
00:10:31,102 --> 00:10:33,570
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪
261
00:10:33,572 --> 00:10:34,904
Okay, well...
262
00:10:34,906 --> 00:10:37,023
- I'll see you both then.
- Okay, Mary.
263
00:10:37,025 --> 00:10:39,492
Great, 3:00 A.M...
264
00:10:39,494 --> 00:10:43,580
you, me, and definitely-a-Virgin-Mary.
265
00:10:50,219 --> 00:10:52,353
Good night. Get home safely.
266
00:10:52,355 --> 00:10:56,107
Ooh. Maybe I should not
have said that to homeless.
267
00:10:56,109 --> 00:10:57,358
That is it.
268
00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,477
2:00 A.M... Freebie Thanksgiving dinner
269
00:10:59,479 --> 00:11:00,945
is now officially over.
270
00:11:00,947 --> 00:11:02,446
According to my calculations,
271
00:11:02,448 --> 00:11:04,749
we served over 300 turkey dinners
272
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,651
and only had two knife fights.
273
00:11:06,653 --> 00:11:08,736
Thank you, Caroline.
274
00:11:08,738 --> 00:11:11,122
This experience taught
me that rich or poor,
275
00:11:11,124 --> 00:11:14,659
home or homeless, we are all the same.
276
00:11:14,661 --> 00:11:16,544
Wait. Where's my wallet?
277
00:11:16,546 --> 00:11:19,330
They took my wallet,
those dirty sons of...
278
00:11:19,332 --> 00:11:21,799
Oh, here it is.
279
00:11:21,801 --> 00:11:24,802
Yes, we are all the same.
280
00:11:24,804 --> 00:11:27,972
Well, I have two things to say.
281
00:11:27,974 --> 00:11:30,391
First of all, I'm incredibly proud of us
282
00:11:30,393 --> 00:11:32,143
for spreading the spirit
of Thanksgiving together.
283
00:11:32,145 --> 00:11:35,629
And secondly, someone left an
adult diaper in this booth,
284
00:11:35,631 --> 00:11:38,816
and I am not dealing with that.
285
00:11:40,519 --> 00:11:42,136
What's with the sad face?
286
00:11:42,138 --> 00:11:43,637
You saw the bathroom?
287
00:11:43,639 --> 00:11:46,140
It's just...
even though we fed the homeless,
288
00:11:46,142 --> 00:11:47,975
it doesn't feel like
Thanksgiving without my father.
289
00:11:47,977 --> 00:11:50,161
But you made a lot of
people happy here tonight,
290
00:11:50,163 --> 00:11:51,696
and you should feel
pretty good about that.
291
00:11:51,698 --> 00:11:54,448
- Yes, I do.
- Come on, elf.
292
00:11:54,450 --> 00:11:55,616
We better clear these tables.
293
00:11:55,618 --> 00:11:57,168
We have to be at Santaland in an hour.
294
00:11:57,170 --> 00:11:59,670
Why you have to be there in
the middle of the night?
295
00:11:59,672 --> 00:12:02,006
Because it's Black Friday, and
the doors open at 5:00 A.M.
296
00:12:02,008 --> 00:12:03,791
Yeah, we want to be there right on time
297
00:12:03,793 --> 00:12:06,427
to see the first person
trampled to death by UGGs.
298
00:12:06,429 --> 00:12:07,845
We have to work
299
00:12:07,847 --> 00:12:09,764
all night and then all day tomorrow.
300
00:12:09,766 --> 00:12:12,934
- How are we gonna do this?
- I got the answer right here.
301
00:12:12,936 --> 00:12:15,002
Max, I'm not doing cocaine.
302
00:12:15,004 --> 00:12:18,973
If we could afford cocaine,
we could afford a mixer.
303
00:12:18,975 --> 00:12:23,010
Nine-hour energy shots, aka elf juice.
304
00:12:23,012 --> 00:12:24,695
I've never done these. Do they work?
305
00:12:24,697 --> 00:12:26,447
Millions of wired-off-their-asses
306
00:12:26,449 --> 00:12:28,199
college students can't be wrong.
307
00:12:28,201 --> 00:12:31,369
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
308
00:12:31,371 --> 00:12:33,354
Did you just drink that whole thing?
309
00:12:33,356 --> 00:12:34,455
Yeah, why?
310
00:12:34,457 --> 00:12:36,457
Nothing.
311
00:12:36,459 --> 00:12:37,691
I'm sure it's not too much.
312
00:12:37,693 --> 00:12:40,294
They suggest sipping it, but...
313
00:12:40,296 --> 00:12:41,379
Who are they?
314
00:12:41,381 --> 00:12:42,880
All right, we'd better go.
315
00:12:42,882 --> 00:12:45,967
We got to go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go.
316
00:12:45,969 --> 00:12:49,203
Oh, you should've sipped it.
317
00:12:49,205 --> 00:12:50,554
How do I look?
318
00:12:50,556 --> 00:12:53,958
Because I kind of feel like I
look like a North Pole dancer.
319
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,726
You actually look cute.
You look good in red...
320
00:12:55,728 --> 00:12:57,044
And green... red and green together.
321
00:12:57,046 --> 00:12:58,879
You can pull off anything.
You're so beautiful.
322
00:12:58,881 --> 00:13:01,399
- I don't tell you that enough.
- Whoa!
323
00:13:01,401 --> 00:13:03,484
Whoa, slow down, speed racer.
324
00:13:03,486 --> 00:13:04,885
I know. I can't stop talking.
325
00:13:04,887 --> 00:13:06,237
What was in that stuff you gave me?
326
00:13:06,239 --> 00:13:09,323
I don't know.
The ingredients are in Spanish.
327
00:13:09,325 --> 00:13:13,227
Well, my corazon is beating muy rapido.
328
00:13:13,229 --> 00:13:15,562
Okay, and why aren't you
in your elf costume yet?
329
00:13:15,564 --> 00:13:17,281
Because I was talking to
those people over there,
330
00:13:17,283 --> 00:13:19,166
and there's a chance...
a slight chance, but a chance...
331
00:13:19,168 --> 00:13:20,918
I could get moved to the
strolling Christmas carolers.
332
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,837
I overheard their ethnic mix
is short a token blond.
333
00:13:22,839 --> 00:13:25,456
And I'm blond, baby!
334
00:13:25,458 --> 00:13:30,077
Forget it. You got me into the
underbelly of the elf beast,
335
00:13:30,079 --> 00:13:31,262
and you are not bailing on me.
336
00:13:31,264 --> 00:13:33,547
But those period costumes
are so much prettier.
337
00:13:33,549 --> 00:13:34,632
I will knock you from here
338
00:13:34,634 --> 00:13:36,550
to Rudolph's house if you abandon me.
339
00:13:36,552 --> 00:13:38,252
We are in this together.
Now go get your bells on.
340
00:13:38,254 --> 00:13:39,720
Okay, I didn't want to tell you this
341
00:13:39,722 --> 00:13:41,806
because it's, well,
gross, but the last elf
342
00:13:41,808 --> 00:13:43,691
who had the tights they gave
me, well, let's just say
343
00:13:43,693 --> 00:13:47,228
her little lady elf friend
visited unexpectedly.
344
00:13:47,230 --> 00:13:50,865
Ew. Talk about a period costume.
345
00:13:50,867 --> 00:13:53,901
You're right. It's disgusting.
346
00:13:53,903 --> 00:13:55,236
I can't do this anymore.
347
00:13:55,238 --> 00:13:57,321
I'm leaving.
I don't want to do this anymore.
348
00:13:57,323 --> 00:14:00,041
I feel tired and wired at the same time.
349
00:14:00,043 --> 00:14:03,377
This was an awful, awful,
awful, awful, awful idea!
350
00:14:03,379 --> 00:14:04,545
All right, calm down!
351
00:14:04,547 --> 00:14:07,882
Jeez, you're like a
Christmas crack monkey.
352
00:14:07,884 --> 00:14:10,051
Look, we are not going anywhere, okay?
353
00:14:10,053 --> 00:14:12,586
You got me all elfed up, and
now we need these jobs.
354
00:14:12,588 --> 00:14:13,888
So just go talk to someone
355
00:14:13,890 --> 00:14:15,639
and tell them why you need
a new pair of tights.
356
00:14:15,641 --> 00:14:17,641
I can't. It's embarrassing.
357
00:14:17,643 --> 00:14:20,895
Look, either you ask her,
or you rip out the crotch
358
00:14:20,897 --> 00:14:24,065
and risk showing six-year-olds
your winter wonderland.
359
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:26,767
Now I'm sad.
360
00:14:26,769 --> 00:14:28,302
You, the one with the dark hair,
361
00:14:28,304 --> 00:14:29,820
- I need you to come with me.
- Where?
362
00:14:29,822 --> 00:14:32,023
And is there a drug test involved?
363
00:14:32,025 --> 00:14:35,142
Change of plans.
I need for you to be Mrs. Claus.
364
00:14:35,144 --> 00:14:37,945
The other one had to leave...
blamed menopause.
365
00:14:37,947 --> 00:14:39,663
Menopause, please.
366
00:14:39,665 --> 00:14:42,533
I had my uterus yanked
out on my lunch hour,
367
00:14:42,535 --> 00:14:45,753
and I was back at my desk by 2:00.
368
00:14:46,872 --> 00:14:48,155
Follow me...
369
00:14:48,157 --> 00:14:51,092
Unless, uh, you don't want
that extra $2 an hour.
370
00:14:51,094 --> 00:14:53,544
Oh, no.
You are not leaving me here alone
371
00:14:53,546 --> 00:14:55,179
when I'm crashing on elf juice.
372
00:14:55,181 --> 00:14:56,797
If I can't be an old-timey singer,
373
00:14:56,799 --> 00:14:58,049
you can't be Mrs. Claus.
374
00:14:58,051 --> 00:14:59,934
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm throwing you
375
00:14:59,936 --> 00:15:02,002
under the sled, sister.
376
00:15:02,004 --> 00:15:04,004
That extra $2 an hour
will bring us closer
377
00:15:04,006 --> 00:15:05,356
to the really good mixer.
378
00:15:05,358 --> 00:15:07,691
And the way my life is going,
this might be my only chance
379
00:15:07,693 --> 00:15:10,010
to be married to a rich guy.
380
00:15:11,813 --> 00:15:16,117
I'd double-check those
tights if I were you.
381
00:15:24,039 --> 00:15:25,907
Ugh.
382
00:15:25,909 --> 00:15:28,910
These tights suck.
383
00:15:28,912 --> 00:15:31,546
Hi. Hi, Elf.
384
00:15:31,548 --> 00:15:33,548
I just got assigned to the
front of the line with you.
385
00:15:33,550 --> 00:15:35,783
Oh, crap.
386
00:15:35,785 --> 00:15:37,468
It's me, Mary.
387
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:40,889
"Mary Christmas." You know, like...
388
00:15:40,891 --> 00:15:43,207
- My brother Patrick always says.
- Yeah, you said that.
389
00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:46,094
Look at how cute we look...Jingles!
390
00:15:46,096 --> 00:15:48,847
I just named you Jingles.
391
00:15:48,849 --> 00:15:50,815
Get it? 'Cause of all your bells.
392
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,267
Oh, listen...
393
00:15:52,269 --> 00:15:56,187
Ah, this is my number-one
favorite Christmas song.
394
00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:57,939
Ooh! What's your
favorite Christmas song?
395
00:15:57,941 --> 00:16:02,059
Silent Night. Get it?
'Cause I want you to be silent.
396
00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:04,395
What's the matter with you?
397
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:08,065
You're acting like an elfhole.
398
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:11,235
Oh, hello, children!
399
00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:13,338
Who's next to see my husband, Santa?
400
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,290
I am so mad at you right now.
401
00:16:15,292 --> 00:16:17,091
Oh-ho-ho!
402
00:16:17,093 --> 00:16:18,960
Uh, hold on, children.
403
00:16:18,962 --> 00:16:21,078
Mrs. Claus is just having an issue
404
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,714
with one of her elf employees.
405
00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:24,465
What are you doing?
What's wrong with you?
406
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:25,884
You abandon me on Christmas
407
00:16:25,886 --> 00:16:28,770
the day after my father
abandons me on Thanksgiving?
408
00:16:28,772 --> 00:16:29,854
You have balls.
409
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:32,106
Christmas balls...
410
00:16:32,108 --> 00:16:34,225
Like on Santa's tree...
411
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,477
Or a Hanukkah bush.
412
00:16:36,479 --> 00:16:38,730
Look, I've got my own problems, okay?
413
00:16:38,732 --> 00:16:40,932
Santa is kind of hands-y.
414
00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:43,484
And you leave me here with this one
415
00:16:43,486 --> 00:16:44,986
when I'm coming down the bad side
416
00:16:44,988 --> 00:16:46,604
of nine-hour energy mountain?
417
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,206
I don't know what's at
the bottom, but so far,
418
00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,408
not the miracle on 34th
Street I was hoping for.
419
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,627
- Well, elf...
- Her name is Jingles.
420
00:16:52,629 --> 00:16:56,381
One more word, Mary, seriously.
421
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:59,601
Listen, Bi-polar Express,
422
00:16:59,603 --> 00:17:01,552
you need to jingle all the
way up that mountain,
423
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:04,722
because all these kids
are looking at us.
424
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:07,141
Hello!
425
00:17:07,143 --> 00:17:09,928
- You got your list for Santa?
- Yep. Got it right here.
426
00:17:09,930 --> 00:17:11,913
Well, he's waiting for you,
so go right ahead in.
427
00:17:11,915 --> 00:17:14,816
- Yay, let's go!
- Hi.
428
00:17:14,818 --> 00:17:17,235
Oh, you look so pretty in
your hat and your coat.
429
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:18,636
Thank you very much.
430
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:20,905
I used to have a coat like that.
431
00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:25,360
But she gave it to a reindeer
because he was very cold.
432
00:17:25,362 --> 00:17:27,745
Oh, you have your list for Santa?
433
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:28,830
Let's see what you want.
434
00:17:28,832 --> 00:17:31,749
- Ooh, a pretty doll...
- Had it.
435
00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:34,485
- An easy-bake oven...
- Had it.
436
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,454
- A Barbie dream house.
- Oh, had that, too.
437
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:39,490
Had all those things, and
now I have nothing...
438
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:42,159
- nothing to stick in my big hole.
- Okay.
439
00:17:42,161 --> 00:17:45,546
- Jingles, what are you doing?
- Tell them, Max.
440
00:17:45,548 --> 00:17:48,933
No, no. I'm not Max. I'm Mrs. Claus...
441
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:52,587
Mrs. Beyonce Claus...
442
00:17:52,589 --> 00:17:54,472
and I'm married to Santa.
443
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,891
No, tell them what you told me...
444
00:17:56,893 --> 00:18:00,111
that it's all just stuff we buy
to stick in our big holes.
445
00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:02,447
I've been married for 50 years.
446
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,515
I don't even think about holes anymore.
447
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,685
Why is she talking to
children about holes?
448
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,520
- I'll get her.
- Okay.
449
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:12,023
- Caroline...
- No, Max, you were right.
450
00:18:12,025 --> 00:18:13,324
They should know the truth.
451
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:16,244
Mrs. Claus, have a
little, uh, elf control.
452
00:18:16,246 --> 00:18:18,663
Jingles, come into my little house.
453
00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:21,449
No, Max. They should know.
454
00:18:21,451 --> 00:18:23,701
There is no miracle on 34th Street,
455
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,503
and it's not such a wonderful life.
456
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,088
If it were, I wouldn't be standing here
457
00:18:27,090 --> 00:18:29,557
in crotchless tights in
the middle of Santaland,
458
00:18:29,559 --> 00:18:32,176
with a father in prison,
too broke to buy a mixer.
459
00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:33,761
Stop it, you're gonna ruin Christmas.
460
00:18:33,763 --> 00:18:35,963
Christmas is all about money.
461
00:18:35,965 --> 00:18:38,016
If you want stuff from
Santa, you got to buy it,
462
00:18:38,018 --> 00:18:41,719
because there is no...
463
00:18:45,908 --> 00:18:48,776
Merry Christmas!
464
00:18:50,245 --> 00:18:52,747
Get her out of here now.
465
00:18:52,749 --> 00:18:55,867
And you, put your knees together!
466
00:18:59,621 --> 00:19:01,072
I hope I didn't ruin Christmas
467
00:19:01,074 --> 00:19:03,658
- for all those sweet children.
- No, you didn't.
468
00:19:03,660 --> 00:19:06,511
All they saw was a
crotchless elf freaking out.
469
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:10,431
But "Mary Christmas" will never recover.
470
00:19:11,583 --> 00:19:13,634
They'll find her in her
studio apartment in two weeks
471
00:19:13,636 --> 00:19:16,137
hung from the chimney with care.
472
00:19:16,139 --> 00:19:18,356
Well, this is all kind of your fault.
473
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,108
You told me to come to the dark side.
474
00:19:20,110 --> 00:19:22,143
I just told you to get in
touch with your feelings.
475
00:19:22,145 --> 00:19:24,729
I didn't think you'd turn
into Darth Caroline.
476
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:26,614
Once I went there, I couldn't get back.
477
00:19:26,616 --> 00:19:29,233
Yeah, and chugging that
elf juice didn't help.
478
00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:30,434
It wasn't just the drink.
479
00:19:30,436 --> 00:19:32,570
Before those presents
came crashing down on me,
480
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:33,571
reality did.
481
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:35,957
I have no money and a father in prison
482
00:19:35,959 --> 00:19:37,992
who didn't even want to
see me on Thanksgiving.
483
00:19:37,994 --> 00:19:41,129
Yeah, well, there are a lot of
people way worse off than you.
484
00:19:41,131 --> 00:19:42,446
Yes, your father's in prison,
485
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:45,433
but at least you have one
and you know where he is.
486
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,785
And you have a home and a job.
487
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:51,372
And you have a freaking horse.
488
00:19:52,474 --> 00:19:54,392
So...
489
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:57,795
Happy holidays. It is a wonderful life.
490
00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:00,815
You're right. I am so lucky.
491
00:20:00,817 --> 00:20:04,352
Well, since right now is the
closest to the Christmas spirit
492
00:20:04,354 --> 00:20:05,770
we're probably gonna get,
493
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:08,439
Santa wanted me to give you
your Christmas present now.
494
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:11,242
It's our new mixer.
495
00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:13,995
We're gonna old-school it.
496
00:20:13,997 --> 00:20:17,365
Aw, you spooned me.
497
00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:19,617
I feel bad. I didn't get you anything.
498
00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:22,587
Max, you got me everything.
499
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:25,489
Before you, I was living on
a subway, and now look...
500
00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:27,708
I'm living near a subway.
501
00:20:27,710 --> 00:20:29,260
So did you buy this?
502
00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:31,379
No, it's from Santa.
503
00:20:31,381 --> 00:20:34,882
Jingles, did you steal this?
504
00:20:34,884 --> 00:20:36,751
Yeah.
505
00:20:36,753 --> 00:20:39,020
I grabbed it when they
were throwing us out.
506
00:20:39,022 --> 00:20:40,521
Wow, Caroline Channing.
507
00:20:40,523 --> 00:20:42,673
You keep this up, and you
won't have to ask permission
508
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:44,892
to visit your father in prison.
509
00:20:44,894 --> 00:20:47,228
But I did give $2 of
our cupcake-fund money
510
00:20:47,230 --> 00:20:49,013
to the Salvation Army Santa.
511
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:52,366
So God bless us, everyone!
It's a wonderful life!
512
00:20:52,368 --> 00:20:55,653
It's times like this I
really miss Darth Caroline.