Sandwich, burger.
Why the big smile, Han?
You going commando under those corduroys?
No, Max, I am happy today because diner clientele
has finally changed for the better.
Look, two parties of cool hipsters
are sitting at tables near wall.
You think those are six hipsters?
Okay, let's go over this one more time.
Hipster or homeless pop quiz, ready?
- Ready. - Hipsters wear?
Skinny jeans.
- Homeless wear? - Dirty jeans.
- Hipsters listen to? - Radiohead.
- Homeless listen to? - The voices in their head.
- Hipsters have? - Beard and a blog.
- Homeless have? - Beard and so much sadness.
I see sadness, there and there.
I'll handle this.
I told you before, I don't want you kind in here.
Take a trendy hike.
Better step it up. The apple store closes at ten.
Max, why did you kick out the hipsters?
'Cause I could not be in the background
of another Instagram photo.
Here's the last check, Earl.
And, Max, they stiffed us on the tip
but they forgot their camera.
Oh, I'll give it to Oleg.
He can take one of his special pictures.
That way, when they come back to get it,
everyone will have been stiffed.
Well, good night, ladies.
I gotta get home before the snow starts.
It's not gonna snow, Earl, it's 50 degrees.
Oh, it's gonna snow, trust me.
I couldn't tell when my first wife was coming,
but I can sure tell when a storm is coming.
All right, so what's the plan?
What are we gonna do if it does snow?
You're so white, I'm worried we're gonna lose you.
I love the snow.
Opening my balcony doors and watching it fall
like fresh white linen and then running across the street
to the park to make snow angels.
Yeah, that's snow when you're rich.
The only snow angels you'll see this year
are the six crack addicts frozen to our stoop.
Oh, not to mention the adorable frozen horse
we have illegally living in the backyard.
Max, don't overreact.
Chestnut's fine.
It's not gonna snow for weeks.
All right, have it your way.
But I wouldn't want to be the next tenants
who have to figure out why a pissed off horse
is haunting a Brooklyn apartment.
I was cold and she thought she knew weather patterns.
Oleg, take a picture of your junk on this customer's camera.
Done.
Aren't you gonna ask why?
No need.
I just saw Oleg's...
Yeah, that might have been my fault.
Kind of a shock seeing it for the first time.
Max, I don't like you implying
that I would ever be cruel to Chestnut.
I'm not implying it.
I'm saying it outright.
It's winter.
And it's not like I've not been thinking about it.
But Chestnut belongs in a special home.
You belong in a special home.
I've done some research,
and I found a retreat in the Grand Tetons
where newly-divorced women come to hug horses
to help them gain back their ability to trust.
The only Grand Tetons Chestnut trusts are mine.
Lady, you gotta get a reality check real quick
'cause Earl thinks it's gonna snow.
Earl also thinks the theme from shaft
was stolen from a cassette tape he sent out in 1975.
Shut your mouth. That happened.
Max, it's not gonna snow.
I know snow.
We owned a ski chalet in Saas-Fee Switzerland
and I think I know more than anyone in this restaurant
about living in cold climes.
Snow is coming.
Yo, Swiss miss, you wanna have a conversation about cold climes
with Snowleg over there?
Oh, Max, I almost forgot.
The camera.
I think you'll be very pleased.
I made a little video as well.
Why are you wearing two coats?
Same reason I wear two condoms.
In case one breaks.
What the?
Well, good morning, world's worst weather girl.
I have never seen so much sunshine.
You know what that means?
Earl wrote shaft.
Max, I know it snowed, you don't have to tell me.
I'm surrounded by so much white stuff I'm like Al Pacino
in the last scene of Scarface.
What are you wearing?
You look like a bag of crazy garbage grew arms.
It's the hefty 2011 winter collection.
I gave Chestnut my coat.
This is the only way to keep the snow off me.
Look at poor Chestnut.
What is he wearing on his hooves?
I cut up my Fendi cashmere leggings.
I grabbed them when we raided the town house.
I thought ahead for me, but not for him.
He is humiliated in those ladies clothes.
He looks like j. Edgar hoover.
I've been out here sweeping since 4:00 A.M.
But it just keeps coming down.
What is your problem, snow?
I used to love you!
Maybe we should ask your old doorman
"insert generic Irish name here" to come help.
I know their names.
Day James, night James and black James.
So your plan is you're gonna sweep the snow away till spring
while the horse is trapped under this tarp?
Which I'm pretty sure was covering the out of business
Cuban restaurant down the street.
They were out of business and I left a note.
What did it say? "I'm loco, gracias."
No, it said, "Sorry I took your roof, hang in there."
Max, don't be so negative.
Doesn't matter where it came from, it's working.
I just need to secure this tarp a little.
Stop, you were gonna climb on
an icy chair in six inch heels and break your neck
and then I'm gonna be stuck with a horse in leggings
and you in a wheelchair with a chopstick in your mouth
tapping out, "I'm sorry, I thought that would work."
I learned to build when I volunteered
with habitat for humanity.
Looking back, they had so much more than I have now.
Okay.
I gotta go to my babysitting job
and when I get back, you and I are gonna sit down
and come up with a more realistic home
for j. Edgar hoofer.
Max, he lives here.
And I'm telling you, this is working.
What I'm doing is actually kind of brilliant.
Now I'm worried about those houses you built.
Hey, Peach.
Max, I have the most incredible news.
Lawyer finally found a loophole in your prenup?
I wish, no.
I just got an email
and I have made it to the final round
of casting for Real Housewives of Tribeca.
Real Housewives of Tribeca?
They're doing neighborhoods now?
What's next, Real Housewives of from here to there?
The producers are on their way over and I want everything
to be perfect when they see Brad and Angelina.
Uh, Peach, are you aware that your children
are being eaten by clothing?
The snowsuits are Burberry.
And the padding hides Angelina's weight problem.
Okay, you have to stop saying that.
She doesn't have a weight problem.
She's gained 25 pounds in one year.
Yeah, 'cause she started at zero.
Max, we all have to look our best, 'cause ready?
The last spot in the show is between me and Misty Mastbaum.
I thought she was your bestie.
She is, but my bestie's a bitchy.
She's crazy competitive.
As soon as we were approached about the show,
she adopted a three-legged corgi and named it Mr. Pickle.
That's crazy bitchy.
So now, I'm looking up handicapped animals
to impress the producers.
Oh, you want a handicapped animal?
I got your handicapped animal.
I know a homeless horse with gender identity issues.
I was thinking something cute, but damaged.
Like a one-eyed French bulldog.
What if I told you that this horse was a celebrity horse?
Tell me more.
My friend, Caroline Channing...
How do you know Caroline Channing?
She's my AA sponsor.
Makes sense.
Go on.
Anyway, she has this cute, but crazy damaged horse
and since her life flipped upside down,
he needs a good home.
Well, I'd have to meet Caroline first.
Bring her by on Saturday.
Max, what an amazing idea.
Misty is literally going to die.
I am so thrilled you have a drinking problem.
Did you have to put him in my bedroom?
It was the easiest room to horse proof.
You have so little of worth.
You can stop googling. I already found
a perfectly good place to put him.
You're not still suggesting I give Chestnut to Peach Landis?
Max, look at me. Look at me in the eyes.
Are you high?
No, I couldn't find my bedroom stash
since you moved everything around.
Chestnut needs a home with affection
and Peach won't even hug her children.
She pays you to do that.
That's why it's perfect.
She'll pay for the fancy stable
and we'll go and hug Chestnut for her whenever we want.
You just need to go meet her and it's done.
I have the DNA of a rich girl,
even though I'm lying in bed with you in a tenement
and I bought my dinner tonight with dimes.
Chestnut and I are old money.
And old money doesn't parade itself around
in front of cameras and beg for attention.
Hey, you're not the only one with old money.
I've had a dollar in my jeans
I've been carrying around for three weeks.
You're meeting Peach Saturday,
and we're saying good-bye to the horse.
Why is getting rid of Chestnut so easy for you?
Didn't you ever have a pet as a child?
Yes, I had a puppy.
And after a week of living with my mom,
he pulled the car over and put us out on the side of the road.
She got rid of it?
Look, pets are not my thing, okay?
I already have something needy and Fluffy
that'll die if I don't take care of it... you.
Go, it's your turn to go check on him.
No, I went the last time and caught him eating my bra.
Don't exaggerate. He only ate half of it.
Oh, I'm sorry, you're right, I should be more positive.
One of my cups is half full.
What's going on in there?
I don't suppose there's any way
you took a giant dump on your dresser?
You can't blame Chestnut. He's probably nervous.
After wearing your leggings,
he's getting ready for his fame audition.
He's a maniac, maniac on all fours.
Oh, Max, here's something.
The Ivy bridge riding stables in Brooklyn.
Only five Miles away.
It says on their website that their horses
are featured in commercials and films!
Can you say Chestnut, star of the war horse sequel?
Did you take the weed from my bedside table?
Look at me.
Look at me in the eyes.
Are you high?
Honestly... a little.
Close that and go to sleep.
No, I'm still reading.
Oh look at that, I just pulled down your browser history.
Interesting list.
Kitten plays a keyboard,
kitten sneezes and farts at the same time?
Give me that, that's private.
Kitten folds a t-shirt!
Oh, kitten rings a doorbell.
I thought you said you weren't into pets.
I'm not!
It's a kitten ringing a doorbell!
He's trying to get in like people.
You have a secret soft spot for animals.
No, I'm just into freaky kittens.
There's one who puts on a snakeskin suit
and goes on a business trip.
That's not soft. That is freaky.
Fine, you're telling me to get a reality check about Chestnut.
But you need one too.
You're gonna miss him when he's gone.
Max, are you listening?
Max, don't worry.
I know it's all gonna work out perfectly
at the stables tomorrow.
I'm not worried.
The man's not here yet.
Damn it, turn us around Max, we have to enter again.
This is the third time.
Max, come on, we borrowed these coats from Oleg
to make a dramatic star entrance.
If you want me to fake it again,
you have to buy me dinner and call me pretty.
Fine, then help me down quickly.
I don't wanna be mid-dismount when the stable guy walks in.
God, ugh.
You just sat on my face.
Like I haven't done enough for you.
Oh, hello, are you Tony?
Last time I checked.
Oh, jeez.
I'm Caroline Channing. We spoke on the phone.
And this is Chestnut.
Max, step back.
Oh, great. I'll just be over here
like the awkward father in the background
on Toddlers and Tiaras.
Well, here he is.
And as we discussed, Chestnut is a champion jumper
his dressage is impeccable,
he's ribboned three times at the Hampton Classic,
and he comes from a historically elite line
of distinguished show horses.
And he pees like a civil rights fire hose.
Max, step further back.
Come on, let's cut to the chase.
He's nice, brown, he looks sick in leggings,
and he's free, so take him or leave him.
When'd you say he was a jumper?
From 2005 to 2010.
He was in a class by himself.
Well, maybe he was a jumper,
but he isn't anymore.
What?
Well, he's a little out of shape.
Well, you have a gut.
Whoa! I'm just saying he's seen better days.
I'm just saying your hair is falling out in fistfuls.
- Whoa! - Okay, okay.
Let's not get personal, we all want this to work.
He's the one who's getting personal
going after Chestnut like that.
Okay, you tell me,
when's the last time he's exercised?
When's the last time you exercised?
Wow, show business is rough.
All right, it's Tony, right?
Last time I checked.
All right, Tony, you'll have to forgive her.
She really loves him and wants this to work out.
Bottom line is, even a free horse isn't free.
I still have to feed him and take care of him
and truth be told, this horse isn't gonna make me a penny.
If my film guy comes in here, he's gonna pick that beauty
over this one.
Oh.
So it's not gonna work out, girls.
All right, well, we got other offers, fatty.
Come on, let's go.
You know, maybe next time before you let someone
ride five Miles across Brooklyn in a toxic, Russian,
cologne-soaked rent-a-fur,
you should be clear that the film business,
even for horses, is ageist and elitist.
And, yes, we may have seen better days,
but with hard work, determination and a little luck,
one day we'll be back on top.
Yeah, and I'm not impressed by your big star pony over there.
He's just standing still.
You wanna impress me?
Have him meow and ring the doorbell.
Don't take it personally, Chestnut.
Those horses have had work done.
+
maybe you wanna take the cinch sack off before you meet Peach.
No it's snowing again and I'm a penniless beggar.
I should look like one.
Besides, she'll probably think it's a look.
All right, I know this one on one
with Peach isn't your ideal scenario,
but it's what's best for Chestnut
so man up and face reality.
You're right.
And my friend, Caroline Channing...
What is it?
You might be ready to face reality,
but are you ready to face reality TV?
The place is crawling with Peach clones
and TV cameras ready to meet you.
She totally set us up.
Are you kidding me?
Fabulous, this is awesome, just awesome.
She's using the Caroline Channing freak show
to get herself on another freak show.
All right, you're right, let's go, you don't have to do this.
No, if I made Chestnut parade around
and be humiliated in public,
then I have to be willing to do the same.
Here, hold my coat.
You always have those with you?
Yes, I'm from Manhattan.
- Okay, thank me for coming. - What?
Thank me for coming, that's what people did all the time
when I was a billionaire.
Thank you for coming.
No, thank you for inviting me.
Wow, that's so cool.
Don't freak out.
I'm about to get my rich on.
So when we go in there I'll introduce you?
Oh, you don't have to.
Rich people always pretend
to know each other.
Now open that door,
and let's get my baby a home.
Peach.
I wanna thank you for inviting me into your beautiful home
and showing me such kindness
during this very difficult, difficult time.
Ladies, I would like you all to meet
my dear friend, Caroline Channing.
Who, in light of her recent very difficult, difficult
financial troubles, has asked me to adopt her damaged pet horse
who was brought to my attention by my alcoholic servant, Max.
Right over there.
Caroline,
thank you for coming.
No, thank you for inviting me.
I'm proud of you.
No, I'm proud of you.
I just got the chills again.
Oh, Max, look at him.
He's smiling.
He likes this place.
Yeah, it's almost worth you being humiliated on reality TV.
Oh, I'll never be on that show.
I didn't sign the release.
What?
Old money don't sign.
You're gonna love it here, huh?
Aren't you gonna love it here?
A nice big stable.
Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
Maybe I should come home and live with my best friend, Max.
What about Caroline?
She can sleep under the tarp.
So I guess you found your weed.
No, this is just something we do when we're alone together.
It's kind of our thing.
You really love Chestnut, don't you?
He's all right.
He's no kitten.
Okay, I'll see you soon, Chestnut.
You want a minute alone?
I'll be out front.
Hey.
This is probably gonna seem ridiculous to you
because you're a horse and I'm just some lady
that's been slipping you carrots for the last few months, but...
I really got attached to you.
This is way more than most horses get out of me.
I wasn't even this upset when they discontinued tan m&ms.
I, um...
I really haven't had much go right for me in my life,
and I'm pretty sure things are gonna keep getting worse but,
you were a good thing.
And when everything sucked,
you were the best thing we had going.
And you're fuzzy too.
You're so fuzzy, and no one can argue
that touching a warm, fuzzy thing isn't straight up lovely.
So, thank you for everything you did for us, but...
Especially for being fuzzy.
Max, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, I'll always be fine.
Are you crying?
Yeah, I'm crying,
'cause I wish I could live here.
Don't worry, we'll come visit,
and we'll find a way to bring him home in the spring.
Come on. I have a pocket full of dimes.
Let's go get some convenience store taquitos
and wash 'em down with blue raspberry wine coolers.
They're on sale at the bodega.
Two four packs for five dollars.
You know exactly what to say to cheer a broke sista up.
And when we get home, I found a video
of a kitten singing Bruno Mars.