1
00:00:01,092 --> 00:00:02,012
One steak sandwich

2
00:00:02,013 --> 00:00:04,061
and a cheeseburger
with muenster cheese.

3
00:00:04,062 --> 00:00:05,071
We're out of muenster.

4
00:00:05,072 --> 00:00:07,007
Oh, since when?

5
00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:09,000
Well, let's see,
the diner opened in '82.

6
00:00:09,001 --> 00:00:12,082
So '82.

7
00:00:12,083 --> 00:00:15,007
Hi, sorry but we're
out of muenster.

8
00:00:15,008 --> 00:00:16,056
Seriously, dude?

9
00:00:16,057 --> 00:00:17,058
I wanted muenster.

10
00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:20,011
Sorry, we have cheddar,
Swiss or American.

11
00:00:20,012 --> 00:00:22,074
I hate cheddar
and Swiss blows.

12
00:00:22,075 --> 00:00:24,045
Well... then American?

13
00:00:24,046 --> 00:00:25,048
American cheese?

14
00:00:25,049 --> 00:00:26,092
What am I,
at grade school?

15
00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:28,999
Yeah, go to
the principal's office.

16
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,088
I can't have another idiot
up my ass right now.

17
00:00:30,089 --> 00:00:34,024
It's at capacity.

18
00:00:34,025 --> 00:00:36,032
Max, I got this.

19
00:00:36,033 --> 00:00:39,011
Would you like to see
the menu again?

20
00:00:39,012 --> 00:00:41,002
This is crap, okay,
I wanted muenster.

21
00:00:41,003 --> 00:00:43,062
Well, I wanted to be
running a fortune 500 company

22
00:00:43,063 --> 00:00:46,016
instead of waiting on a toxic
man-child like yourself.

23
00:00:46,017 --> 00:00:48,082
But, we can't always
get what we want.

24
00:00:48,083 --> 00:00:51,011
So, order something else,
put it in your pie hole

25
00:00:51,012 --> 00:00:54,074
and get on
with your damn life.

26
00:00:54,075 --> 00:00:55,075
Welcome to waitress.

27
00:00:55,076 --> 00:00:57,011
We've been expecting you.

28
00:00:59,012 --> 00:01:06,870
www.addic7ed.com

29
00:01:10,979 --> 00:01:11,988
Here you go, table ten, Earl.

30
00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,928
Have any exciting plans
for tomorrow?

31
00:01:14,929 --> 00:01:16,949
Just trying to not
die in my sleep, Max.

32
00:01:16,950 --> 00:01:21,911
How about you?

33
00:01:21,912 --> 00:01:22,973
I'm going to visit
Caroline's horse.

34
00:01:22,974 --> 00:01:24,936
He was adopted by
a rich white lady

35
00:01:24,937 --> 00:01:26,946
who could give him everything
we couldn't afford to.

36
00:01:26,947 --> 00:01:28,970
Which is everything.

37
00:01:28,971 --> 00:01:33,941
White people will
adopt anything.

38
00:01:33,942 --> 00:01:35,995
I figured out the best way
to go see Chestnut.

39
00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:36,994
We take the J train to the 4,

40
00:01:36,995 --> 00:01:37,996
the 4 to Grand Central,

41
00:01:37,997 --> 00:01:39,932
change trains to Riverdale

42
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,921
and walk three blocks
to his fancy new stable.

43
00:01:41,922 --> 00:01:44,911
Sounds exotic.
Do I need a travel shot?

44
00:01:44,912 --> 00:01:46,933
No, but there's a dicey
underpass at Grand Central

45
00:01:46,934 --> 00:01:48,932
where we might get shot.

46
00:01:48,933 --> 00:01:51,899
I am so excited
to see my baby again.

47
00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:52,924
Me too.

48
00:01:52,925 --> 00:01:53,944
In the Lifetime movie version,

49
00:01:53,945 --> 00:01:54,954
we get there
and Chestnut likes

50
00:01:54,955 --> 00:01:57,945
his new home better
and then we cry.

51
00:01:57,946 --> 00:01:59,907
Excuse me, Hi.

52
00:01:59,908 --> 00:02:00,933
Sorry to bother you.

53
00:02:00,934 --> 00:02:02,995
I'm Rhya,
I'm a little embarrassed.

54
00:02:02,996 --> 00:02:04,907
I just got my period.

55
00:02:04,908 --> 00:02:07,974
Mazel tov.

56
00:02:07,975 --> 00:02:09,916
Do either of you
have a tampon?

57
00:02:09,917 --> 00:02:10,953
Not me.

58
00:02:10,954 --> 00:02:11,992
I just go off into
the woods and don't come out

59
00:02:11,993 --> 00:02:13,991
until it's over.

60
00:02:13,992 --> 00:02:16,903
I have one.

61
00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:17,925
I'm so sorry
to bother you guys.

62
00:02:17,926 --> 00:02:21,899
No problem, "Sisterhood of
the Traveling Panty Shields"

63
00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:22,981
Actually, no,
I don't have one.

64
00:02:22,982 --> 00:02:24,927
Here's a quarter,
there's a tampon machine

65
00:02:24,928 --> 00:02:25,988
- in the ladies' room.
- Thanks.

66
00:02:27,900 --> 00:02:28,925
Pick up, table six.

67
00:02:28,926 --> 00:02:30,899
I couldn't help overhear.

68
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,900
I have tampon.

69
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:39,907
Oleg, why do you
have a tampon?

70
00:02:39,908 --> 00:02:42,899
Same reason I carry a lighter,
even though I don't smoke.

71
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:45,920
Feels good to be the hero.

72
00:02:45,921 --> 00:02:47,978
Sorry, again, but do you
have any more change?

73
00:02:47,979 --> 00:02:49,903
It's 75 cents.

74
00:02:49,904 --> 00:02:50,902
It's a quarter.

75
00:02:50,903 --> 00:02:51,988
75.
Says so on the machine.

76
00:02:51,989 --> 00:02:55,988
It better not or I'm about
to rage against the machine.

77
00:02:59,996 --> 00:03:03,911
What?

78
00:03:03,912 --> 00:03:06,907
Han, I need to see you
in here now.

79
00:03:06,908 --> 00:03:07,975
But that is the ladies' room.

80
00:03:07,976 --> 00:03:08,973
You're fine.

81
00:03:08,974 --> 00:03:09,975
Women bring their little boys

82
00:03:09,976 --> 00:03:13,953
in here all the time.

83
00:03:13,954 --> 00:03:16,903
Everybody decent?

84
00:03:16,904 --> 00:03:17,948
Man in the ladies' room.

85
00:03:17,949 --> 00:03:19,944
I apologize for
personal intrusion.

86
00:03:19,945 --> 00:03:20,983
You don't have to
cover your eyes.

87
00:03:20,984 --> 00:03:22,995
It's a ladies' room,
not a solar eclipse.

88
00:03:22,996 --> 00:03:24,957
Max, why do you want
to see me

89
00:03:24,958 --> 00:03:26,919
in this inappropriate
meeting place?

90
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:27,996
This is why.
The tampon machine.

91
00:03:27,997 --> 00:03:30,924
Oh, this is not man topic.

92
00:03:30,925 --> 00:03:32,924
I do not wish to discuss
time of the month

93
00:03:32,925 --> 00:03:35,928
when ladies must chase
the cotton mouse.

94
00:03:35,929 --> 00:03:37,920
Chase the cotton mouse?

95
00:03:37,921 --> 00:03:39,906
Geeze, where'd you get
your sex education?

96
00:03:39,907 --> 00:03:40,977
Lambchop's playalong?

97
00:03:40,978 --> 00:03:42,958
Han, you changed
the price of tampons?

98
00:03:42,959 --> 00:03:44,958
Yes, this is not
appropriate talk.

99
00:03:44,959 --> 00:03:46,970
No, this is not
appropriate action.

100
00:03:46,971 --> 00:03:47,988
They've been
a quarter forever.

101
00:03:47,989 --> 00:03:49,920
Look how old
this machine is.

102
00:03:49,921 --> 00:03:51,978
Harriet Tubman used
to get her tampons here.

103
00:03:51,979 --> 00:03:53,932
I'm a businessman.

104
00:03:53,933 --> 00:03:54,971
Emphasis on the man.

105
00:03:54,972 --> 00:03:56,920
I do not belong in here.

106
00:03:56,921 --> 00:03:57,949
Hey, hey!

107
00:03:57,950 --> 00:04:01,911
Don't make me chase you,
you little khaki mouse.

108
00:04:01,912 --> 00:04:03,944
Look, han, everyone knows
there are certain things

109
00:04:03,945 --> 00:04:04,965
that people need
in an emergency

110
00:04:04,966 --> 00:04:06,923
that you never raise
the price on.

111
00:04:06,924 --> 00:04:07,936
Things like what?

112
00:04:07,937 --> 00:04:08,950
Off the top of my head,

113
00:04:08,951 --> 00:04:11,995
tampons and 40-ounce beers.

114
00:04:11,996 --> 00:04:13,978
Max, why are you so upset?

115
00:04:13,979 --> 00:04:15,924
It is only
two more quarters.

116
00:04:15,925 --> 00:04:17,987
Han, that's
a 200% price hike.

117
00:04:17,988 --> 00:04:19,907
That's outrageous.

118
00:04:19,908 --> 00:04:20,931
You're taking
advantage of women.

119
00:04:20,932 --> 00:04:22,915
If men were the ones
who got periods,

120
00:04:22,916 --> 00:04:23,962
tampons would be
thrown free

121
00:04:23,963 --> 00:04:26,916
from floats
like Mardi Gras beads.

122
00:04:26,917 --> 00:04:28,928
I went to
Mardi Gras once--I was 11.

123
00:04:28,929 --> 00:04:29,992
My mom and her new boyfriend
wanted to go,

124
00:04:29,993 --> 00:04:33,911
and they needed
a designated driver.

125
00:04:33,912 --> 00:04:35,911
Earl, I need a man's opinion.

126
00:04:35,912 --> 00:04:37,907
Is it my right
to raise the price

127
00:04:37,908 --> 00:04:38,965
of any product in my diner?

128
00:04:38,966 --> 00:04:39,996
What product
are we talking about?

129
00:04:39,997 --> 00:04:41,903
Tampons.

130
00:04:41,904 --> 00:04:43,957
Oh, brother.

131
00:04:43,958 --> 00:04:46,982
Uh, you gotta just
relax and butt out.

132
00:04:46,983 --> 00:04:47,991
Trust me.

133
00:04:47,992 --> 00:04:50,903
I been in this
situation a long time.

134
00:04:50,904 --> 00:04:51,925
Remember Aunt Flo?

135
00:04:51,926 --> 00:04:54,941
That was my aunt.

136
00:04:54,942 --> 00:04:56,902
Han, just because
you can take advantage

137
00:04:56,903 --> 00:04:58,908
of a business situation,
doesn't mean you should.

138
00:04:58,909 --> 00:05:00,907
It is law of
supply and demand.

139
00:05:00,908 --> 00:05:03,907
Fine, then I demand you roll
back the price on the supply.

140
00:05:03,908 --> 00:05:05,911
Come on han,
don't be so 1% about it.

141
00:05:05,912 --> 00:05:06,992
You think occupy Wall Street
was a big deal?

142
00:05:06,993 --> 00:05:10,907
Wait till you see occupy tampon.

143
00:05:10,908 --> 00:05:11,992
We only protest once a month,

144
00:05:11,993 --> 00:05:14,992
but it's an intense
five to seven days.

145
00:05:19,633 --> 00:05:20,656
Got it.
Found the milk.

146
00:05:20,657 --> 00:05:22,638
And I found it even faster
than the butter.

147
00:05:22,639 --> 00:05:25,607
You know they're
not hiding it from you.

148
00:05:25,608 --> 00:05:27,696
It's a grocery store,
not a sorority scavenger hunt.

149
00:05:27,697 --> 00:05:30,632
Grocery shopping
is so fun.

150
00:05:30,633 --> 00:05:31,667
When I was little,
I always wondered

151
00:05:31,668 --> 00:05:34,667
where this stuff came from.

152
00:05:37,646 --> 00:05:38,682
What's that?

153
00:05:38,683 --> 00:05:39,683
Birthday card for my mom.

154
00:05:39,684 --> 00:05:43,616
Aww, let me see.

155
00:05:43,617 --> 00:05:44,636
"Get better soon"?

156
00:05:44,637 --> 00:05:45,694
I thought you said
it was a birthday card.

157
00:05:45,695 --> 00:05:47,658
It is, that's the
only one that seemed

158
00:05:47,659 --> 00:05:49,661
appropriate for
our relationship.

159
00:05:49,662 --> 00:05:51,617
Do you really
want your mom to get

160
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,649
a get well card
on her birthday?

161
00:05:53,650 --> 00:05:55,679
Okay... here's one with
a strawberry, that's fine.

162
00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:59,599
It's really about
the 50 bucks inside anyway.

163
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:00,633
That makes me sad.

164
00:06:00,634 --> 00:06:04,641
Sad?
I can fix that.

165
00:06:04,642 --> 00:06:06,612
Have a treat,
it'll perk you right back up.

166
00:06:06,613 --> 00:06:08,666
Max, you just stabbed
a bag of candy.

167
00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:09,679
That's okay, they'll
just think a gang

168
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,682
came through and did it.

169
00:06:11,683 --> 00:06:12,688
A candy gang?

170
00:06:12,689 --> 00:06:16,661
What,
like the sour patch kids?

171
00:06:16,662 --> 00:06:18,682
Just step away and pretend
you didn't do it.

172
00:06:18,683 --> 00:06:22,624
That's what you do.

173
00:06:22,625 --> 00:06:23,694
We just need
to grab ten boxes

174
00:06:23,695 --> 00:06:25,660
of Duncan Hines cake mix
and we're done.

175
00:06:25,661 --> 00:06:26,692
Why would
we need to do that?

176
00:06:26,693 --> 00:06:29,603
Why do you think?
To make the cupcakes.

177
00:06:29,604 --> 00:06:31,645
I thought the cupcakes
were homemade.

178
00:06:31,646 --> 00:06:35,661
They are,
I make them in my home.

179
00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:38,632
You've been using
a boxed cake mix?

180
00:06:38,633 --> 00:06:40,649
Relax, I only use it
when I'm tired.

181
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:42,660
And I add a secret ingredient
of my own to the mix

182
00:06:42,661 --> 00:06:43,679
that makes them irresistible.

183
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,657
So you have no shame
using the store-bought mix?

184
00:06:46,658 --> 00:06:50,599
I've no shame about anything.
Shame is overrated like Ke$ha.

185
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:54,607
In fact, they should rename
shame "keshame"

186
00:06:54,608 --> 00:07:00,678
I just bought a Ke$ha album,
I'm so keshamed.

187
00:07:00,679 --> 00:07:02,652
Shouldn't there be
someone to do this for us?

188
00:07:02,653 --> 00:07:03,656
Oh, he's probably in the aisle

189
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:04,679
cleaning up after
the candy gang.

190
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:07,607
There was no candy gang
in here tonight.

191
00:07:07,608 --> 00:07:11,695
That was a sneaky customer,
now wasn't it?

192
00:07:11,696 --> 00:07:13,603
Hey, look.

193
00:07:13,604 --> 00:07:15,599
For Chestnut, I can't wait.

194
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:16,683
I got him the kind with tops
on them, like Bugs Bunny.

195
00:07:16,684 --> 00:07:19,620
He'll be so excited when he
sees the two of us tomorrow.

196
00:07:19,621 --> 00:07:20,641
I know.

197
00:07:20,642 --> 00:07:23,616
I was talking about
me and the carrots.

198
00:07:23,617 --> 00:07:26,695
All right now,
your total is $70.49.

199
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:28,691
Wow, that seems like a lot.

200
00:07:28,692 --> 00:07:32,599
I don't make the prices,
now do I?

201
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,657
No, I was just commenting.

202
00:07:34,658 --> 00:07:39,632
Well, it's not CNN,
now is it?

203
00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:42,661
- Here, give her the coupons.
- The coupons?

204
00:07:42,662 --> 00:07:44,616
Yeah, here.

205
00:07:44,617 --> 00:07:47,628
Max, you use coupons?

206
00:07:47,629 --> 00:07:49,670
I had no idea.

207
00:07:49,671 --> 00:07:54,657
You're looking at me like
I'm on To Catch a Predator.

208
00:07:54,658 --> 00:07:57,603
We don't need to use those,
I have my tip money right here.

209
00:07:57,604 --> 00:07:59,628
What are you talking about,
I have coupons.

210
00:07:59,629 --> 00:08:01,629
Here, take them.

211
00:08:04,679 --> 00:08:06,657
I-I have--

212
00:08:06,658 --> 00:08:08,607
I can't, I don't want to.

213
00:08:08,608 --> 00:08:09,688
I've fallen so far,
I can't fall any further.

214
00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:12,616
Don't make me.

215
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:15,645
There's no need to go
down a keshame spiral.

216
00:08:15,646 --> 00:08:16,692
Hi, she has coupons.

217
00:08:16,693 --> 00:08:19,624
Oh, now you tell me
you have coupons?

218
00:08:19,625 --> 00:08:21,670
Should have told me before,
now shouldn't ya?

219
00:08:21,671 --> 00:08:23,678
I didn't wanna tell you
at all, she made me.

220
00:08:23,679 --> 00:08:26,687
Now didn't ya?

221
00:08:26,688 --> 00:08:28,691
Look, it's not a big deal.

222
00:08:28,692 --> 00:08:29,688
Lots of people use coupons.

223
00:08:29,689 --> 00:08:31,620
Coupons are for--

224
00:08:31,621 --> 00:08:32,692
Poor people, yes.

225
00:08:32,693 --> 00:08:33,690
Like us.

226
00:08:33,691 --> 00:08:35,602
People who stand
at the cash register

227
00:08:35,603 --> 00:08:36,646
and say things like,

228
00:08:36,647 --> 00:08:39,620
"Wow, $70?
That seems like a lot."

229
00:08:39,621 --> 00:08:42,666
Your new total is $12.70

230
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:45,657
wait, it just went
from $70 to $12?

231
00:08:45,658 --> 00:08:46,662
Just like that?

232
00:08:46,663 --> 00:08:48,653
The same food for less money?

233
00:08:48,654 --> 00:08:50,661
The exact same food?

234
00:08:50,662 --> 00:08:52,599
How is that even possible?

235
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,674
You used coupons,
now didn't ya.

236
00:08:55,675 --> 00:08:58,675
Max, coupons are genius.

237
00:09:02,696 --> 00:09:04,657
I'm late, I know.

238
00:09:04,658 --> 00:09:06,606
I just got a text
from Chestnut.

239
00:09:06,607 --> 00:09:07,608
"Where are you?

240
00:09:07,609 --> 00:09:09,607
I'm wearing my best suit."

241
00:09:09,608 --> 00:09:11,696
He spelled suit with a four, but
that's pretty good for a horse.

242
00:09:11,697 --> 00:09:13,691
I have a good reason.

243
00:09:13,692 --> 00:09:16,620
15 chicken pot pies.

244
00:09:16,621 --> 00:09:18,620
Regular price: $1.47.

245
00:09:18,621 --> 00:09:19,696
Coupon price: Free!

246
00:09:19,697 --> 00:09:21,666
'Cause I bought 15
and used

247
00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:23,619
the double coupon
in-store sale combo.

248
00:09:23,620 --> 00:09:25,615
Listen to me with
the lingo already.

249
00:09:25,616 --> 00:09:27,688
Reminds me of my first day
interning on Wall Street.

250
00:09:27,689 --> 00:09:29,682
Chicken pot pies?

251
00:09:29,683 --> 00:09:31,657
You don't even like them.

252
00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:33,598
What does it matter
if I like them or not?

253
00:09:33,599 --> 00:09:34,598
They were free.

254
00:09:34,599 --> 00:09:35,598
It's free money.

255
00:09:35,599 --> 00:09:36,610
Who doesn't like free money?

256
00:09:36,611 --> 00:09:37,640
I don't know
about free money,

257
00:09:37,641 --> 00:09:38,654
but this is like
watching someone

258
00:09:38,655 --> 00:09:41,620
free base for the first time.

259
00:09:41,621 --> 00:09:42,656
Chestnut's fine.

260
00:09:42,657 --> 00:09:43,696
It's not a big deal.

261
00:09:43,697 --> 00:09:46,695
Ooh, oh, I just got
another text from Chestnut.

262
00:09:46,696 --> 00:09:50,628
"I'm so lonely,
I just tried smoking."

263
00:09:50,629 --> 00:09:51,696
We can go tomorrow.

264
00:09:51,697 --> 00:09:53,657
In the Lifetime
movie version,

265
00:09:53,658 --> 00:09:55,662
we just missed the day we
were appointed by the court,

266
00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:58,599
and Chestnut's new parents
move him out of town.

267
00:09:58,600 --> 00:09:59,691
And we cry.

268
00:09:59,692 --> 00:10:01,695
I get it, it's just that
after last night,

269
00:10:01,696 --> 00:10:04,645
I woke up fascinated by
the concept of coupons.

270
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:05,683
So I did some research.

271
00:10:05,684 --> 00:10:07,599
I found this woman online

272
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,661
who calls herself
the Williamsburg Coupon Queen.

273
00:10:09,662 --> 00:10:11,611
Only she calls them
"cue-pons."

274
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:12,665
Is that the correct way
to pronounce it?

275
00:10:12,666 --> 00:10:13,683
Eh, I'm gonna go with her way

276
00:10:13,684 --> 00:10:17,611
after all, she is the queen.

277
00:10:17,612 --> 00:10:18,667
Canned pumpkin?

278
00:10:18,668 --> 00:10:21,674
Ten cans, double coupon,
five cents each.

279
00:10:21,675 --> 00:10:23,662
Great, 'cause I'm always lying
in bed at night

280
00:10:23,663 --> 00:10:26,628
thinking I wish I could crack
open a can of pumpkin.

281
00:10:26,629 --> 00:10:29,599
Oh, and I found a coupon
for you to send your mom an

282
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:30,654
edible arrangement
for her birthday.

283
00:10:30,655 --> 00:10:34,653
A pretty pineapple daisy says so
much more than cash in a card.

284
00:10:34,654 --> 00:10:38,599
And it's for 40% off
the regular price.

285
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,691
That's perfect because my mom
was 40% off a regular mom.

286
00:10:41,692 --> 00:10:44,695
And Max, I do have something
else for you in this bag.

287
00:10:44,696 --> 00:10:47,632
Something that'll
make you very happy.

288
00:10:47,633 --> 00:10:50,624
Canned yams for when I get
tired of canned pumpkin?

289
00:10:50,625 --> 00:10:54,695
Better, look.

290
00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,695
Look out, Han Lee.

291
00:10:56,696 --> 00:10:59,696
I'm about to get my tamp on.

292
00:11:04,650 --> 00:11:06,695
Well well, if it isn't
everything that's wrong

293
00:11:06,696 --> 00:11:10,696
with the current economy,
in a boys' v-neck sweater.

294
00:11:12,683 --> 00:11:14,691
Oh, what do you
think you are doing?

295
00:11:14,692 --> 00:11:18,692
Oh, just putting straws
in the container...

296
00:11:20,633 --> 00:11:24,678
in case, uh...

297
00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:27,607
Just in case a woman might
suddenly need a straw

298
00:11:27,608 --> 00:11:29,632
and not have 75 cents.

299
00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:30,696
Those are not straws.

300
00:11:30,697 --> 00:11:32,649
They do not belong in public.

301
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,607
Didn't your mother
ever teach you

302
00:11:34,608 --> 00:11:37,678
that is secret, no-no
private lady thing?

303
00:11:37,679 --> 00:11:39,687
You can't even say the name.

304
00:11:39,688 --> 00:11:41,642
Come on Wall Street,
if you can sell it,

305
00:11:41,643 --> 00:11:44,653
you should be able to bring
yourself to say it.

306
00:11:44,654 --> 00:11:46,599
I will never speak of it.

307
00:11:47,608 --> 00:11:49,616
Just say it.
Tampon, tampon, tampon.

308
00:11:49,617 --> 00:11:51,616
What's the big deal?

309
00:11:51,617 --> 00:11:53,678
In Ukraine, there are
pop songs about it.

310
00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:55,695
She's so pretty,
she's so grouchy.

311
00:12:05,638 --> 00:12:07,631
That is inappropriate
counter display.

312
00:12:07,632 --> 00:12:08,636
You take it down.

313
00:12:08,637 --> 00:12:09,688
You take down
the price and I will.

314
00:12:09,689 --> 00:12:11,637
No, it is free market.

315
00:12:11,638 --> 00:12:12,638
I charge what I want.

316
00:12:12,639 --> 00:12:14,661
I am the boss.

317
00:12:14,662 --> 00:12:17,682
Max, someone left a stack of
newspapers filled with cue-pons,

318
00:12:17,683 --> 00:12:20,649
and look, a double
for Duncan Hines.

319
00:12:20,650 --> 00:12:21,692
Could this day get
any better?

320
00:12:21,693 --> 00:12:24,620
Oh, and tables four, seven and
eight want their checks.

321
00:12:24,621 --> 00:12:25,620
Okay.

322
00:12:25,621 --> 00:12:28,621
Have 'em ready right here.

323
00:12:31,646 --> 00:12:34,628
Max, no, that is private!

324
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:35,673
Here's your check.

325
00:12:35,674 --> 00:12:36,696
And a little something extra,

326
00:12:36,697 --> 00:12:40,678
compliments of women without
three quarters everywhere.

327
00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:42,649
Thank you very much.

328
00:12:42,650 --> 00:12:43,658
I don't know
about your flow,

329
00:12:43,659 --> 00:12:46,658
so I gave you a regular
and a super.

330
00:12:53,617 --> 00:12:54,692
Max, have you no shame?

331
00:12:54,693 --> 00:12:55,682
Nope.

332
00:12:55,683 --> 00:12:57,687
Ladies, at that
time of the month,

333
00:12:57,688 --> 00:12:59,621
I invite
you to think of this man.

334
00:12:59,622 --> 00:13:01,649
This man, Han Lee,
right over here.

335
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:05,650
The man who thinks your menses
should be more expenses.

336
00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:08,696
Okay, okay,
I will lower the price

337
00:13:08,697 --> 00:13:10,616
back to a quarter.

338
00:13:10,617 --> 00:13:12,657
And that is end
of discussion, period.

339
00:13:12,658 --> 00:13:15,678
Oh.

340
00:13:15,679 --> 00:13:19,679
Tampons for everyone.

341
00:13:21,621 --> 00:13:25,621
Max, you are the Norma Rae
of feminine hygiene.

342
00:13:39,888 --> 00:13:41,866
It's so windy.

343
00:13:41,867 --> 00:13:44,870
Choosing coupon shopping over
going to see your son again?

344
00:13:44,871 --> 00:13:46,841
That's a keshame.

345
00:13:46,842 --> 00:13:47,865
In the Lifetime
movie version,

346
00:13:47,866 --> 00:13:49,877
this is where they take
you away as an unfit mother.

347
00:13:49,878 --> 00:13:50,879
And I don't cry.

348
00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:52,841
I'm sorry, but I just saw

349
00:13:52,842 --> 00:13:54,857
that all these cake mix cue-pons
expire today.

350
00:13:54,858 --> 00:13:55,865
I'll be real quick.

351
00:13:55,866 --> 00:13:56,886
Ten minutes, in and out.

352
00:13:56,887 --> 00:13:58,831
If I had a cue-pon
for every time

353
00:13:58,832 --> 00:13:59,840
I heard that from a guy.

354
00:13:59,841 --> 00:14:01,819
Here, start going
through these papers

355
00:14:01,820 --> 00:14:03,800
and look for
the cake mix double cue-pon.

356
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,824
If I combine these
with the in-store bonus,

357
00:14:05,825 --> 00:14:08,799
not only will we get
the lower cue-pon mix price,

358
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,811
but they will actually
give us $23 back!

359
00:14:12,858 --> 00:14:15,853
I'll give you $24
to stop saying cue-pon.

360
00:14:15,854 --> 00:14:18,824
Come on, start pulling out
the ones for the cake mix.

361
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:23,857
It'll be a breeze.

362
00:14:23,858 --> 00:14:25,820
No, that was a breeze.

363
00:14:25,821 --> 00:14:27,828
My cue-pons!

364
00:14:27,829 --> 00:14:29,858
The fact that you're more
worried about your coupons

365
00:14:29,859 --> 00:14:33,858
than your hair
shows how far you've fallen.

366
00:14:37,808 --> 00:14:38,862
Oh, my God,
I can't believe it.

367
00:14:38,863 --> 00:14:41,824
Max, it's the Williamsburg
cue-pon queen.

368
00:14:41,825 --> 00:14:43,828
Where'd she leave her crown,
in the minivan?

369
00:14:43,829 --> 00:14:45,877
This is so exciting.
I have to go pay my respects.

370
00:14:45,878 --> 00:14:46,886
We don't have
time for this.

371
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:48,829
Just throw the cake mix
into the cart

372
00:14:48,830 --> 00:14:52,841
or we'll miss the train.

373
00:14:52,842 --> 00:14:54,832
There, calm down,
have a treat.

374
00:14:54,833 --> 00:14:57,811
I'll be right back.

375
00:14:57,812 --> 00:14:58,888
Excuse me, your highness,

376
00:14:58,889 --> 00:15:00,887
but aren't you
the cue-pon queen?

377
00:15:00,888 --> 00:15:01,887
Mm-hmm.

378
00:15:01,888 --> 00:15:03,849
I'm Caroline.

379
00:15:03,850 --> 00:15:04,883
Freddie, and I can't
talk right now

380
00:15:04,884 --> 00:15:06,832
because if I lose my place--

381
00:15:06,833 --> 00:15:07,879
- you'll lose your mind!
- I'm gonna lose... my... mind...

382
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:10,811
I know.
You say that on your show.

383
00:15:10,812 --> 00:15:12,848
I won't bother you,
but I think you'll be excited

384
00:15:12,849 --> 00:15:13,846
when I tell you that
it's only my second day

385
00:15:13,847 --> 00:15:15,832
and I already learned

386
00:15:15,833 --> 00:15:17,802
how to make money
on the purchase of cake mix.

387
00:15:17,803 --> 00:15:19,812
All I have to do is buy 40 boxes
and we get the--

388
00:15:19,813 --> 00:15:21,845
Store bonus, yeah.

389
00:15:21,846 --> 00:15:26,837
Cake mix...
That's a rare cue-pon.

390
00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:27,836
Where'd you find it?

391
00:15:27,837 --> 00:15:28,848
Yesterday's circulars.

392
00:15:28,849 --> 00:15:29,850
Didn't you see it?

393
00:15:29,851 --> 00:15:31,845
I missed it.

394
00:15:31,846 --> 00:15:36,849
Go to the truck and get the
stockpile of circulars.

395
00:15:36,850 --> 00:15:38,887
Look at him go.

396
00:15:38,888 --> 00:15:41,816
You're sweeping
the shelves.

397
00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:43,883
On your show, you said sweeping
the shelves was out of line.

398
00:15:43,884 --> 00:15:45,882
Max!

399
00:15:45,883 --> 00:15:47,857
These are mine,
I was here first.

400
00:15:47,858 --> 00:15:49,857
I think she's probably
gonna be here last,

401
00:15:49,858 --> 00:15:51,799
so let's go,
we don't need these.

402
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:52,856
We do, if we
don't get 40 boxes,

403
00:15:52,857 --> 00:15:53,896
they won't be free.

404
00:15:53,897 --> 00:15:56,896
I've met actual queens and
this isn't royal behavior.

405
00:15:59,854 --> 00:16:03,799
Max, she just body-checked me.

406
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,888
Push me again and I will report
you to the American embassy.

407
00:16:05,889 --> 00:16:08,888
Max, get in here.

408
00:16:11,842 --> 00:16:15,824
Oh, we got a problem?

409
00:16:15,825 --> 00:16:17,878
Oh, we got a problem.

410
00:16:17,879 --> 00:16:20,879
Oh, hell no!

411
00:16:27,896 --> 00:16:29,828
What do we do?

412
00:16:29,829 --> 00:16:31,837
You step away
and pretend you didn't do it.

413
00:16:31,838 --> 00:16:35,807
That's what you do.

414
00:16:35,808 --> 00:16:36,837
24, 25--

415
00:16:36,838 --> 00:16:38,853
You're making me wait,
now aren't ya?

416
00:16:38,854 --> 00:16:39,838
Just till I get to 40.

417
00:16:40,862 --> 00:16:42,837
26, 27, 28.

418
00:16:42,838 --> 00:16:45,824
Come on,
I'll buy it for you.

419
00:16:45,825 --> 00:16:46,858
Come on, take up
the bitch on his offer

420
00:16:46,859 --> 00:16:48,824
and let's go see Chestnut.

421
00:16:48,825 --> 00:16:49,856
Max, shh, I'm counting.

422
00:16:49,857 --> 00:16:51,892
If we don't have the exact
right mix-to-coupon ratio

423
00:16:51,893 --> 00:16:53,849
we won't get our free money.

424
00:16:53,850 --> 00:16:54,883
Okay, where was I?

425
00:16:54,884 --> 00:16:56,828
Amateur.

426
00:16:56,829 --> 00:16:57,896
Real mature, your highness.

427
00:16:57,897 --> 00:17:00,811
We have places to go.

428
00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:01,811
Okay, 40.

429
00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:03,820
Take it away, Tanya.

430
00:17:03,821 --> 00:17:04,848
Wait, what is this?

431
00:17:04,849 --> 00:17:06,836
This isn't Duncan Hines,
it's Pillsbury.

432
00:17:06,837 --> 00:17:07,838
Where did this come from?

433
00:17:07,839 --> 00:17:08,836
I put it in.

434
00:17:08,837 --> 00:17:09,842
You can't do that.

435
00:17:09,843 --> 00:17:11,824
It has to be all Duncan Hines.

436
00:17:11,825 --> 00:17:12,836
I needed Pillsbury.

437
00:17:12,837 --> 00:17:13,836
Well, you can't have it.

438
00:17:13,837 --> 00:17:14,836
- I need it!
- Why?

439
00:17:14,837 --> 00:17:15,871
- I need it!
- Why?

440
00:17:15,872 --> 00:17:18,824
That's the secret ingredient.

441
00:17:18,825 --> 00:17:20,845
I throw a spoon of Pillsbury

442
00:17:20,846 --> 00:17:21,888
in the Duncan Hines.

443
00:17:21,889 --> 00:17:23,811
Pillsbury?

444
00:17:23,812 --> 00:17:24,838
That's what makes it you?

445
00:17:24,839 --> 00:17:27,853
That's what makes
it more delicious.

446
00:17:27,854 --> 00:17:29,828
Tanya, stop,
flag on the play.

447
00:17:29,829 --> 00:17:30,886
Here, take this back

448
00:17:30,887 --> 00:17:31,890
and get me another.

449
00:17:31,891 --> 00:17:33,802
You know what,
I'm just gonna go

450
00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:34,836
see Chestnut while
I still have time.

451
00:17:34,837 --> 00:17:36,810
No, Max, please take this back
and get me another one.

452
00:17:36,811 --> 00:17:37,846
You're the one
who wanted to use

453
00:17:37,847 --> 00:17:40,807
the store-bought mix instead
of making your own from scratch.

454
00:17:40,808 --> 00:17:41,888
So go back and
get me another mix.

455
00:17:41,889 --> 00:17:44,816
I used the mix because
I don't know how to make my own.

456
00:17:44,817 --> 00:17:45,819
No one ever taught me.

457
00:17:45,820 --> 00:17:46,856
No one taught me how to bake.

458
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:48,815
No one taught me
how to use tampons.

459
00:17:48,816 --> 00:17:49,846
No one taught me anything.

460
00:17:49,847 --> 00:17:52,799
You still think I should
send my mom a better gift?

461
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:56,807
And no one taught you
how to check out, either.

462
00:17:56,808 --> 00:17:58,816
I'm going.

463
00:17:58,817 --> 00:17:59,849
Max.

464
00:17:59,850 --> 00:18:01,836
You need to get another mix,
now don't ya?

465
00:18:01,837 --> 00:18:03,821
I'll go get it,
won't take a minute.

466
00:18:04,858 --> 00:18:08,858
Who's the queen now?

467
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,824
Hey, my dude.

468
00:18:13,825 --> 00:18:15,891
Look at you
and your fancy coat.

469
00:18:15,892 --> 00:18:18,874
Retirement looks good on you.

470
00:18:18,875 --> 00:18:20,841
Told you I'd come by
to see you.

471
00:18:20,842 --> 00:18:21,896
Hooked you up
with some carrots.

472
00:18:21,897 --> 00:18:26,853
Bugs Bunny status,
like I know you like.

473
00:18:26,854 --> 00:18:28,891
I, uh, I don't know
if you got my text.

474
00:18:28,892 --> 00:18:32,824
Probably not a great
signal in here, but...

475
00:18:32,825 --> 00:18:33,883
your mom might
be a little late.

476
00:18:33,884 --> 00:18:37,870
She's coming though 'cause I
know she's dying to see you.

477
00:18:37,871 --> 00:18:38,879
All right, man,
who am I kidding?

478
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,841
She's not coming.

479
00:18:41,842 --> 00:18:42,846
I know that's hard to hear,

480
00:18:42,847 --> 00:18:44,853
and trust me,
mothers not showing up,

481
00:18:44,854 --> 00:18:45,854
I've been there.

482
00:18:45,855 --> 00:18:47,878
But, I know wherever she is,

483
00:18:47,879 --> 00:18:50,832
she is
thinking of you.

484
00:18:50,833 --> 00:18:51,838
Okay, that's not true either.

485
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,849
Here's the thing.

486
00:18:53,850 --> 00:18:55,799
Your mom is a flake.

487
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:56,825
And you got two options,

488
00:18:56,826 --> 00:18:58,849
you can sit around
feeling sorry for yourself

489
00:18:58,850 --> 00:19:01,799
or you can say,
"hey, my mom's not here.

490
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,857
"I can watch tv all day
and then go kick in

491
00:19:03,858 --> 00:19:06,845
a neighbor's window
because I feel like it."

492
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:07,857
Hey.

493
00:19:07,858 --> 00:19:09,799
Hey, look at me.

494
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,841
The fact that she's
not here is not your fault.

495
00:19:11,842 --> 00:19:13,849
It's hers.

496
00:19:13,850 --> 00:19:14,871
There, I just saved you, like,

497
00:19:14,872 --> 00:19:17,871
14 inappropriate
sexual encounters.

498
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:21,799
Hi.

499
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:22,866
Hey.

500
00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:24,874
Hi, Chestnut!

501
00:19:24,875 --> 00:19:26,845
Hi, baby.

502
00:19:26,846 --> 00:19:28,807
Aw...

503
00:19:28,808 --> 00:19:29,849
I missed you.

504
00:19:29,850 --> 00:19:31,807
I missed you so much.

505
00:19:31,808 --> 00:19:32,867
Did you miss me?

506
00:19:32,868 --> 00:19:34,820
So you got
all the cake mix?

507
00:19:34,821 --> 00:19:36,861
Yes, plus the $23.

508
00:19:36,862 --> 00:19:38,874
And I got you your
Pillsbury as well.

509
00:19:38,875 --> 00:19:40,845
Paid full price--
it killed me.

510
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,866
You are a freak
with the coupons.

511
00:19:42,867 --> 00:19:43,874
I know.

512
00:19:43,875 --> 00:19:45,849
I don't know
what came over me.

513
00:19:45,850 --> 00:19:47,804
When I found a way
to make free money

514
00:19:47,805 --> 00:19:49,841
I forgot about everyone else.

515
00:19:49,842 --> 00:19:50,870
Oh, my God.

516
00:19:50,871 --> 00:19:52,832
Like my father.

517
00:19:52,833 --> 00:19:54,849
Max, I have Ponzi DNA.

518
00:19:54,850 --> 00:19:58,853
Yeah, cou-Ponzi DNA.

519
00:19:58,854 --> 00:20:00,896
Must have been hard learning
to do everything on your own.

520
00:20:00,897 --> 00:20:03,807
I mean, I don't know how to
do any of that stuff either,

521
00:20:03,808 --> 00:20:04,875
but, I had a staff of 20.

522
00:20:04,876 --> 00:20:08,845
Yeah, I got staph at 20.

523
00:20:08,846 --> 00:20:11,832
You know, you may think
your secret ingredient

524
00:20:11,833 --> 00:20:13,837
is a spoonful of Pillsbury,

525
00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:14,853
but it's not.

526
00:20:14,854 --> 00:20:15,866
It's you.

527
00:20:15,867 --> 00:20:17,819
It's everything
you've been through

528
00:20:17,820 --> 00:20:18,846
that makes you who you are.

529
00:20:18,847 --> 00:20:20,882
Someone who fights
for a box of tampons

530
00:20:20,883 --> 00:20:22,857
and fights for
a horse's feelings

531
00:20:22,858 --> 00:20:24,874
and even fights
for a box of cake mix

532
00:20:24,875 --> 00:20:29,803
when a friend in the middle of a
cue-Ponzi panic, asks her to.

533
00:20:29,804 --> 00:20:31,807
This is the part in the
lifetime movie version

534
00:20:31,808 --> 00:20:34,878
where I get up to pee.

535
00:20:34,879 --> 00:20:36,804
I don't know who
you're kidding.

536
00:20:36,805 --> 00:20:38,853
You watch the entire movie
and then you cry.

537
00:20:38,854 --> 00:20:39,875
Listen to her, Chestnut.

538
00:20:39,876 --> 00:20:42,820
She thinks she has me
all figured out.

539
00:20:42,821 --> 00:20:44,842
What she doesn't know is that
when it comes to the cupcakes,

540
00:20:44,843 --> 00:20:47,845
I have another secret,
secret ingredient.

541
00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:49,833
Oh, don't tell me it's
a pinch of Betty Crocker.

542
00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:53,803
I can't tell you.
It's a secret ingredient.

543
00:20:53,804 --> 00:20:56,799
Okay, it's chocolate
methamphetamine.

544
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:57,807
No, it's true.

545
00:20:57,808 --> 00:20:58,806
Our slogan should be:

546
00:20:58,807 --> 00:20:59,808
They're so good,

547
00:20:59,809 --> 00:21:01,808
you'll rob your grandmother.

548
00:21:02,033 --> 00:21:06,833
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