1
00:00:01,112 --> 00:00:04,153
So that's three of our
delicious homemade cupcakes.

2
00:00:04,155 --> 00:00:05,538
Nope, can't.
You touched them.

3
00:00:05,540 --> 00:00:09,992
Sorry, flu season, no health care.

4
00:00:09,994 --> 00:00:14,497
You realized I replaced that
purell with K.Y., right?

5
00:00:14,499 --> 00:00:16,716
Max, please say you're kidding.

6
00:00:16,718 --> 00:00:18,367
Of course, I'm kidding.

7
00:00:18,369 --> 00:00:21,587
I can't afford lube.
I just use my tears.

8
00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:25,040
Max, seriously, don't mess
with my hand sanitizer.

9
00:00:25,042 --> 00:00:27,009
I've already caught poverty this year

10
00:00:27,011 --> 00:00:29,145
and I refuse to catch the flu.

11
00:00:29,147 --> 00:00:32,348
I just have to keep cleaning my
hands and not touch anyone.

12
00:00:32,350 --> 00:00:34,900
Caroline, I have check from table ten.

13
00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:38,654
Okay, just place it right there.

14
00:00:38,656 --> 00:00:43,609
That's a big tip, wow--

15
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:47,947
You know, in Indonesia,
you'd be married now.

16
00:00:47,949 --> 00:00:50,199
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

17
00:00:51,836 --> 00:00:53,560
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

18
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,686
2 Broke Girls - S01E17 - And the Kosher Cupcakes
Original air date February 20, 2012

19
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,955
Sync and corrections by Gatto
for www.addic7ed.com

20
00:00:58,075 --> 00:01:00,075
I'm gonna get sick, I know it.

21
00:01:00,077 --> 00:01:01,127
You're fine.

22
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:04,547
Fine? Han just unloaded into my mouth.

23
00:01:04,549 --> 00:01:10,352
Congratulations, you both
finally got some action.

24
00:01:10,354 --> 00:01:12,271
I can't afford to
get sick and miss work.

25
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,639
I need to get some antibiotics.

26
00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:15,024
You are poor now.

27
00:01:15,026 --> 00:01:17,443
Poor people don't just run out
and buy antibiotics.

28
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:20,980
We man up, grow a pair,
stare germs in the face.

29
00:01:20,982 --> 00:01:23,699
Like this French fry from that
guy who couldn't stop coughing.

30
00:01:23,701 --> 00:01:24,950
Max, no, no--oh!

31
00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:26,285
Mmm.

32
00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:27,887
Booyah!

33
00:01:27,889 --> 00:01:30,456
And I haven't ever been sick
or to a clinic.

34
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:33,742
And, no, planned parenthood
doesn't count.

35
00:01:35,111 --> 00:01:38,164
Well, well, well, she weebles
and she wobbles,

36
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:41,300
but she don't fall down.

37
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:44,220
Oh, Earl, you're so naughty and nice.

38
00:01:44,222 --> 00:01:48,641
And I'll be checking you out twice.

39
00:01:48,643 --> 00:01:51,143
Hey, Sophie, sit anywhere you like.

40
00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:52,645
Oh, uh, let's see.

41
00:01:52,647 --> 00:01:56,015
Where is lighting that will make
me look most attractive?

42
00:01:56,017 --> 00:02:00,519
What am I saying?
I look good everywhere.

43
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:03,939
I am meeting man for first time
that I met online.

44
00:02:03,941 --> 00:02:05,574
I wonder if he's here yet.

45
00:02:05,576 --> 00:02:07,142
Well unless you've been cruising

46
00:02:07,144 --> 00:02:10,329
singles who don't leave enough
singles, I'd say no.

47
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:13,666
You know, Max, if my date
turned out to be big bust--

48
00:02:13,668 --> 00:02:14,700
what, bigger than ours?

49
00:02:16,087 --> 00:02:17,870
Then you come over and say that

50
00:02:17,872 --> 00:02:21,790
something suddenly came up and
that I have to go, okay?

51
00:02:21,792 --> 00:02:24,710
Oh, my gosh, this must be him.

52
00:02:28,165 --> 00:02:30,015
You must be Sophie Kuchenski.

53
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,667
I'm Serguisz Bilowski.

54
00:02:31,669 --> 00:02:33,686
Oh.

55
00:02:33,688 --> 00:02:37,106
Wow, I love your dress, I love that!

56
00:02:37,108 --> 00:02:40,392
Something came up and you have to go.

57
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,728
No, no this is perfect.

58
00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:44,680
Would you like to sit down?

59
00:02:44,682 --> 00:02:46,699
Just let me run to
the little boys rooms first.

60
00:02:46,701 --> 00:02:49,368
- Okay?
- Okay.

61
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,036
Who is that?

62
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:52,872
That's Sophie's new boyfriend.

63
00:02:52,874 --> 00:02:56,158
I see, and where's his boyfriend?

64
00:03:01,364 --> 00:03:02,331
Hello.

65
00:03:02,333 --> 00:03:03,716
Nice to see you again.

66
00:03:03,718 --> 00:03:08,170
I'm wearing my velour
especially for you.

67
00:03:08,172 --> 00:03:13,559
And right now, it's the only
thing soft about me.

68
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:17,713
Please go away before my date
comes back from the men's room.

69
00:03:17,715 --> 00:03:19,548
You have brought other man in here?

70
00:03:19,550 --> 00:03:22,234
Yes, I met him on Polish dating site.

71
00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:25,938
On polemeetpole.com

72
00:03:25,940 --> 00:03:30,726
you didn't have to go online.
You could meet my pole any time.

73
00:03:30,728 --> 00:03:33,412
No, this will never happen.

74
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,580
You're not my type.

75
00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,198
Well, what is your type?

76
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:42,121
Wow, they have those automatic
hand dryers that blow you.

77
00:03:42,123 --> 00:03:45,457
I love being blown like that.

78
00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:48,794
Those look like two giant
orange traffic cones.

79
00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:54,433
Are you trying to tell me
not to park there?

80
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,185
This is a lady.

81
00:03:56,187 --> 00:03:59,388
Show her some respect.

82
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,391
Sophie has new man in her life.

83
00:04:02,393 --> 00:04:05,110
I am so mad I cannot see straight.

84
00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:08,314
Well, I'm looking right at him
and I don't see straight either.

85
00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:13,986
Max, I think I'm running a slight fever.

86
00:04:13,988 --> 00:04:15,537
Feel my forehead.

87
00:04:15,539 --> 00:04:19,575
Look, you should have learned
by now-- I don't feel anything.

88
00:04:19,577 --> 00:04:21,994
Caroline, I've written down
address of drug store

89
00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:24,663
in South Williamsburg that
has a doctor on site.

90
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,548
Here, I will pay for it.

91
00:04:26,550 --> 00:04:27,633
Unless it is cancer.

92
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:30,502
Then I'm out.

93
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:34,006
And, Max, here is check for table seven.

94
00:04:36,427 --> 00:04:38,844
Booyah!

95
00:04:46,561 --> 00:04:48,662
How long is it gonna
take to see a doctor?

96
00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:50,998
I'm definitely getting
something-- I'm pre-sick.

97
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,249
I'm stage one pre-sick.

98
00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:53,500
I need penicillin.

99
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,669
I told you before, you have to man up

100
00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,288
and not give in to this sick stuff.

101
00:04:57,290 --> 00:04:58,289
I'm not like you.

102
00:04:58,291 --> 00:05:00,791
I have actual things I feel.

103
00:05:00,793 --> 00:05:02,793
Menachem Goldman.

104
00:05:02,795 --> 00:05:05,012
Menachem Goldman.

105
00:05:07,248 --> 00:05:09,516
This must be the orthodox
Jewish neighborhood.

106
00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:12,720
Either that or we're in ZZ Top-ville.

107
00:05:12,722 --> 00:05:14,805
Max, have some respect.

108
00:05:14,807 --> 00:05:16,557
Hey, I got nothing but respect.

109
00:05:16,559 --> 00:05:20,394
They basically invented southern rock.

110
00:05:20,396 --> 00:05:22,262
I love the Jewish people.

111
00:05:22,264 --> 00:05:24,315
Whenever I felt sick before,
I'd just pop over

112
00:05:24,317 --> 00:05:26,567
to the townhouse next door
and visit Dr. Klein.

113
00:05:26,569 --> 00:05:28,535
So your love was contingent on pills?

114
00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:30,904
We're not that different.

115
00:05:30,906 --> 00:05:32,939
Actually, the Kleins
and I were very close.

116
00:05:32,941 --> 00:05:35,442
I was invited to many
a passover in their home.

117
00:05:35,444 --> 00:05:39,129
In fact, they called me
their honorary Jew.

118
00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:41,298
Rivka Shemshelewitz.

119
00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:45,135
Rivka Shemshelewitz.

120
00:05:45,137 --> 00:05:47,638
Well, you're no Rivka Shemshelewitz.

121
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:50,808
Mrs. Klein always said
I had a bissel Jew.

122
00:05:50,810 --> 00:05:52,926
You had a Jewish vacuum cleaner?

123
00:05:52,928 --> 00:05:53,978
No.
Bissel.

124
00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:55,646
It's a Yiddish word.
It means little.

125
00:05:55,648 --> 00:05:58,182
And this one time I had a bissel flu

126
00:05:58,184 --> 00:06:00,317
and she brought me
chicken soup every day.

127
00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:02,469
So why don't you just
give Dr. Klein a call?

128
00:06:02,471 --> 00:06:04,989
I did three times and no return.

129
00:06:04,991 --> 00:06:06,774
I guess he doesn't want anything
to do with me anymore

130
00:06:06,776 --> 00:06:09,076
because of my father's
financial scandal.

131
00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:11,311
All those years I thought
we were family.

132
00:06:11,313 --> 00:06:12,312
Guess not.

133
00:06:12,314 --> 00:06:13,447
I don't know, ignoring your

134
00:06:13,449 --> 00:06:15,032
needs and pretending you don't exist?

135
00:06:15,034 --> 00:06:16,750
Sounds like family to me.

136
00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:19,870
Caroline Channing, Caroline Channing.

137
00:06:19,872 --> 00:06:21,922
Finally.

138
00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:22,989
Let me do the talking.

139
00:06:22,991 --> 00:06:24,991
I learned a lot of
Hebrew from Mrs. Klein.

140
00:06:24,993 --> 00:06:27,378
These are my people.

141
00:06:27,380 --> 00:06:29,663
Hello, shalom.

142
00:06:29,665 --> 00:06:33,834
Very good, you wanna squeeze
in a couple more before sundown?

143
00:06:33,836 --> 00:06:37,337
Wow, you're as bad
as me trying to be Irish

144
00:06:37,339 --> 00:06:39,673
at the blarney rose for a free beer.

145
00:06:39,675 --> 00:06:44,010
Yar, can I get me a cerveza?

146
00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:45,145
What can I get you ladies,

147
00:06:45,147 --> 00:06:47,564
besides skirts that
are more appropriate?

148
00:06:47,566 --> 00:06:49,533
Sorry, I didn't know it
was an orthodox neighborhood.

149
00:06:49,535 --> 00:06:52,036
You know what, we could just tie
our coats around our waists.

150
00:06:52,038 --> 00:06:53,821
Max?

151
00:06:53,823 --> 00:06:55,856
Oh, and look at the breasts on this one.

152
00:06:55,858 --> 00:06:57,858
Coat on or off?
Make up your mind.

153
00:06:57,860 --> 00:07:00,627
No, Bubala, I'm just saying,
with those big breasts

154
00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:04,298
and that gorgeous hair it's
like looking in a mirror.

155
00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:07,551
It's been a few years, but trust
me, under this wig and smock,

156
00:07:07,553 --> 00:07:09,169
spitting image of you.

157
00:07:09,171 --> 00:07:10,704
Here you go, Esther Rachael.

158
00:07:10,706 --> 00:07:11,839
How else do you think I landed

159
00:07:11,841 --> 00:07:13,841
a handsome doctor like my Anshell?

160
00:07:13,843 --> 00:07:15,142
Oh, doctor?

161
00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:16,343
Doctor?
Doctor, if you could--

162
00:07:16,345 --> 00:07:18,879
oh, oh, what is that
Hebrew word for wait?

163
00:07:18,881 --> 00:07:21,682
You might wanna start
peppering in some English.

164
00:07:21,684 --> 00:07:22,983
Now, Chava?

165
00:07:22,985 --> 00:07:25,269
Now you're telling me
you're too sick to bake.

166
00:07:25,271 --> 00:07:26,603
I need 80 cupcakes.

167
00:07:26,605 --> 00:07:28,155
The bar mitzvah is tomorrow.

168
00:07:28,157 --> 00:07:31,391
You're dead to me!
See you next week.

169
00:07:31,393 --> 00:07:33,226
- We could help.
- We can?

170
00:07:33,228 --> 00:07:34,995
Yeah, give me the card.

171
00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:38,165
Hi, I'm Max and my friend and I
here have a cupcake business

172
00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:39,917
and we'd be happy to
bake as many cupcakes

173
00:07:39,919 --> 00:07:41,118
as you need for the bar mitzvah.

174
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,069
I mean, you need cake, we make cake.

175
00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:44,538
It's bashert.

176
00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:48,425
Look, enough with the "it's a
small Hebrew world after all."

177
00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:49,793
How does 250 sound?

178
00:07:49,795 --> 00:07:51,462
No way, 275.

179
00:07:51,464 --> 00:07:52,880
I have to bake all morning.

180
00:07:52,882 --> 00:07:56,249
It's like looking in a mirror.

181
00:07:56,251 --> 00:07:57,401
They're kosher, right?

182
00:07:57,403 --> 00:07:59,085
Are they kosher? Look at me.

183
00:07:59,087 --> 00:08:01,021
Like looking in a mirror.

184
00:08:01,023 --> 00:08:02,556
Good, I'll call you with the address.

185
00:08:02,558 --> 00:08:04,775
Esther Rachael, if I could
talk to you husband

186
00:08:04,777 --> 00:08:05,926
about getting some antibiotics--

187
00:08:05,928 --> 00:08:08,149
sorry, sundown.

188
00:08:18,087 --> 00:08:21,815
Okay, I've got the kosher
cookbook, salt, flour, sugar,

189
00:08:21,817 --> 00:08:24,485
new mixing bowls, and I
stopped at the goodwill

190
00:08:24,487 --> 00:08:25,653
and got us two appropriately

191
00:08:25,655 --> 00:08:27,672
sad schmatas to wear for tomorrow.

192
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:28,656
Let's start.

193
00:08:28,658 --> 00:08:30,842
Start?
I'm already half done.

194
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:31,992
How could you be half done?

195
00:08:31,994 --> 00:08:33,427
You didn't have any kosher ingredients.

196
00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:34,679
Oh, they'll never know, we'll just

197
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:35,713
tell them they're kosher.

198
00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:38,499
Oh, my God, we can't do that.

199
00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:40,768
Oh, my God, we just did.

200
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,720
They have to be kosher.

201
00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:44,171
Do you want God to smite us?

202
00:08:44,173 --> 00:08:45,306
What's he gonna do?

203
00:08:45,308 --> 00:08:47,558
Take away all my good luck
and your fortune?

204
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,678
You think all those things
labeled low fat are low fat?

205
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,446
It is just a sales gimmick.

206
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:53,981
I had a low cal ice cream bar once

207
00:08:53,983 --> 00:08:55,950
that popped my top Jean button.

208
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,319
Kosher isn't a sales gimmick.

209
00:08:58,321 --> 00:09:00,204
It's thousands of years of tradition.

210
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,355
We have to respect that.

211
00:09:01,357 --> 00:09:03,241
I don't respect anyone's tradition.

212
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:04,242
That's kind of my tradition.

213
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:05,877
Well maybe that's because

214
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,662
you didn't grow up around a family.

215
00:09:07,664 --> 00:09:09,914
Hey, I grew up with a lot of families.

216
00:09:09,916 --> 00:09:14,051
The Manson family, the Jackson
family, the Menendezes.

217
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:16,220
Wait, is that Menendezes or Menen-di?

218
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:18,756
Either way, they were like
brothers to me.

219
00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:20,975
Max, we are doing these
straight up kosher.

220
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,343
Fine.

221
00:09:22,345 --> 00:09:24,228
But return those new bowls,
I don't need them.

222
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,430
I can just dump the bacon bits
out of this old one.

223
00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:29,317
Max, please, let's just
start the cupcakes over,

224
00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:31,269
drop them off, get me some antibiotics,

225
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,553
come home, and put me to bed.

226
00:09:32,555 --> 00:09:34,238
All right, I'll make them kosher.

227
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:36,941
I mean, it's the least
you could do after you

228
00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:39,560
lied to that woman and let her
think you were one of them.

229
00:09:39,562 --> 00:09:41,195
Hey, I don't know who my father is.

230
00:09:41,197 --> 00:09:42,413
I could be half Jewish.

231
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,665
Although it's more likely
I'm half bartender

232
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:47,668
who demanded my mom figure out
a way to pay her tab.

233
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:50,705
- Hey!
- Hello.

234
00:09:50,707 --> 00:09:53,090
Serguisz and I are on
way up to my apartment.

235
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,542
He's making me brunch.

236
00:09:54,544 --> 00:09:57,628
Cornish hens splashed
with my special sauce.

237
00:09:57,630 --> 00:10:00,464
I love special sauce, I love that!

238
00:10:00,466 --> 00:10:03,100
Yeah, and I stopped by
because I was hoping you girls

239
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:05,102
might have some spare
cupcakes for dessert.

240
00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:06,721
Only about 40 of them.

241
00:10:06,723 --> 00:10:08,422
Oh, good!

242
00:10:08,424 --> 00:10:09,774
I'll go up and get started.

243
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,392
Sophie, can I have you keys?

244
00:10:11,394 --> 00:10:14,762
- Oh, yeah.
- Cute place.

245
00:10:14,764 --> 00:10:17,114
Ah, I have keychain just like this.

246
00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:18,899
We are birds of a feather.

247
00:10:18,901 --> 00:10:20,785
I love that!

248
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,219
See, girls.

249
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:24,438
This is what I like about
my new boyfriend.

250
00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:26,123
He loves so many things.

251
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:27,541
And vagina ain't one of them.

252
00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:28,876
Max!

253
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:29,961
We don't know that.

254
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,112
Sexuality is more fluid these days.

255
00:10:32,114 --> 00:10:35,383
It's okay.
He's big, big gay.

256
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:37,969
So... You know he's gay?

257
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:38,970
Oh, know it?

258
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,471
I prefer it.

259
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,391
Yeah, my ex-husband
was large male bully.

260
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:47,144
Yeah, all rough sex
and stains in shorts.

261
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:51,565
Now all I want is a man who will
spoon me and stay soft.

262
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,768
But what about sex?

263
00:10:53,770 --> 00:10:56,988
Oh, no one does me better than me.

264
00:11:02,327 --> 00:11:04,662
That's the last of them.

265
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:05,663
Look at us.

266
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,331
I think we look very nice.

267
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,282
Really?

268
00:11:08,284 --> 00:11:11,168
I think we look like the Olson twins.

269
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:12,420
Well hello, girls.

270
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:13,921
You look very lovely.

271
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,873
Mazel tov to the family.

272
00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:17,875
What a mitzvah to be part of this day.

273
00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:19,126
How bashert.

274
00:11:19,128 --> 00:11:20,994
Oh, we're still on that ride?

275
00:11:20,996 --> 00:11:22,179
I'm sorry.

276
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,798
It's just, I'm so happy to be

277
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,299
in your warm and wonderful home.

278
00:11:25,301 --> 00:11:27,885
I was very close to my
neighbors, the Kleins.

279
00:11:27,887 --> 00:11:30,638
In fact, they called me
their honorary Jew.

280
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:31,555
Stop now.

281
00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:32,673
This is like when you tell Earl

282
00:11:32,675 --> 00:11:36,394
you're practically black.

283
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,029
We'll just get our money and go.

284
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,313
Take our money and go?

285
00:11:39,315 --> 00:11:40,648
What are we, barbarians?

286
00:11:40,650 --> 00:11:43,284
Stay and celebrate a little.

287
00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:46,019
But, out here in the kitchen,
away from the men.

288
00:11:46,021 --> 00:11:47,822
Sit, eat, come.

289
00:11:47,824 --> 00:11:51,859
Three of my favorite things to do.

290
00:11:51,861 --> 00:11:54,695
Good looks and funny.
What a catch.

291
00:11:54,697 --> 00:11:56,797
Hadassa, hand me a spoon.

292
00:11:56,799 --> 00:12:00,835
All 100% kosher and so
gorgeous you could plotz.

293
00:12:00,837 --> 00:12:03,254
This one's seen some
Streisand movies, yes?

294
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:06,140
Wait until you taste my kugel.

295
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,875
Oh, I love kugel.

296
00:12:07,877 --> 00:12:11,645
Tell me, Esther Rachael, are you
ashkenzi or sephardic Jews?

297
00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:13,931
Someone's been on the Internet.

298
00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:17,485
No way, this is a pasta and a dessert?

299
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:19,553
Ooh, there he is.

300
00:12:19,555 --> 00:12:21,372
My only son.
My little angel.

301
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:24,892
The bar mitzvah boy who,
today, becomes a man.

302
00:12:24,894 --> 00:12:28,162
Girls, this is Shmuley and his
friend from next door, David.

303
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:31,382
Say hello to the girls who made
the cupcakes, boys.

304
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:34,234
Nice to meet you.

305
00:12:34,236 --> 00:12:35,453
Hadassa, Devorah, enough.

306
00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:36,737
Thank you, go.

307
00:12:36,739 --> 00:12:38,238
Enjoy the party.

308
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,223
Have more kugel.

309
00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:41,125
I'll go ask my husband for your money.

310
00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:42,927
See, this is what I love, Max.

311
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,462
The family, the tradition.

312
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:47,098
The lasagna with the crazy raisins.

313
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,799
And those two little boys,

314
00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:50,384
could they have been more precious?

315
00:12:50,386 --> 00:12:53,604
Yo, yo, yo, what up cupcake bitches?

316
00:12:56,925 --> 00:12:58,642
I'm fixin' to marry me a beeyatch

317
00:12:58,644 --> 00:13:00,861
who bakes like this, son.

318
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:03,597
Uh, I don't know what's going on,

319
00:13:03,599 --> 00:13:05,316
but I'm pretty sure boys
and girls aren't

320
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,867
supposed to be socializing, right?

321
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:10,204
Damn, sweetness, your lips are moving

322
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:14,241
but your ass is doing all the talking.

323
00:13:14,243 --> 00:13:17,711
Uh... Is that Yiddish?

324
00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:19,997
Oh, boys, there you are, come on.

325
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,749
Say goodbye to the cupcake ladies.

326
00:13:21,751 --> 00:13:24,919
Nice to meet you.

327
00:13:26,755 --> 00:13:30,791
Did that just happen or has my
fever suddenly spiked?

328
00:13:30,793 --> 00:13:33,126
That's the first time I ever saw anyone

329
00:13:33,128 --> 00:13:35,312
acting all pimp who still had pimples.

330
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:36,564
Yo, yo, yo!

331
00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:38,131
And they're back.

332
00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:39,934
What up, Shawties?

333
00:13:39,936 --> 00:13:41,352
What's crackalackin?

334
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:44,104
Yo, today my boy became a mans.

335
00:13:44,106 --> 00:13:45,138
That's right.

336
00:13:45,140 --> 00:13:48,141
Got my bar mitzvah done, son.

337
00:13:48,143 --> 00:13:49,693
Preach!

338
00:13:49,695 --> 00:13:51,144
So let's get to it.

339
00:13:51,146 --> 00:13:53,164
How much of my mitzvah money
is it gonna take

340
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,748
for you to pop that top and serve me up

341
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:59,653
some super fine taytays?

342
00:13:59,655 --> 00:14:01,839
Dude, there is not enough money in the--

343
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,424
how much are we talking?

344
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:04,842
Max!

345
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,878
Yo, don't get all jealous, vanilla cone.

346
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,298
How about you turn around and
make it pop for daddy?

347
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:13,350
How would you like it
if I told your mother

348
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:14,668
right on the other side of that door

349
00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:16,637
how you boys were in here
disrespecting us?

350
00:14:16,639 --> 00:14:21,174
How is you gonna say anything
with your mouth full?

351
00:14:21,176 --> 00:14:23,310
Damn, son!

352
00:14:23,312 --> 00:14:26,564
Come in here, ma.
This way.

353
00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:29,300
Don't say anything to her.

354
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:30,701
Let's just get our money
and get out of here.

355
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:31,902
Max, she should know.

356
00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:34,021
You wanna ruin their day
and not get paid?

357
00:14:34,023 --> 00:14:36,690
Just keep it to yourself for
five minutes and we're gone.

358
00:14:36,692 --> 00:14:39,159
I want you to meet
my mother, Hinda Fagel.

359
00:14:39,161 --> 00:14:42,796
Ma, this is Max who made
the kosher cupcakes.

360
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:44,381
And I'm Caroline.

361
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:46,133
What did the shicksa say?

362
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,469
She said her name is Caroline.

363
00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:50,004
Who cares what her name is?

364
00:14:50,006 --> 00:14:51,255
She looks like the people that

365
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:55,259
stole my grandmother's good hutch.

366
00:14:55,261 --> 00:14:56,710
But look at this one.

367
00:14:56,712 --> 00:15:02,099
It's like looking in a mirror.

368
00:15:02,101 --> 00:15:03,684
Oy, she's got a fever.

369
00:15:03,686 --> 00:15:07,238
Oh, Max, oh honey, you're burning up.

370
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,722
Oh, no way, I don't get sick.

371
00:15:08,724 --> 00:15:09,907
I get sick.

372
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:10,891
You're sick.

373
00:15:10,893 --> 00:15:12,610
You'll come, you'll lie down.

374
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:13,777
Oh, I'm really fine.

375
00:15:13,779 --> 00:15:15,062
We'll just get our money and head home.

376
00:15:15,064 --> 00:15:16,864
Nonsense.
You'll see my husband.

377
00:15:16,866 --> 00:15:18,332
The doctor.

378
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:19,783
Stop, wait, where are you taking her?

379
00:15:19,785 --> 00:15:21,035
I'm the one who gets sick.

380
00:15:21,037 --> 00:15:22,569
What did she say?

381
00:15:22,571 --> 00:15:25,839
She says she wants your hutch.

382
00:15:35,152 --> 00:15:36,152
You poor baby.

383
00:15:36,154 --> 00:15:38,571
You have a fever of 102.

384
00:15:38,573 --> 00:15:39,888
Just have to rest, Bubala.

385
00:15:39,890 --> 00:15:41,357
I'm really fine.

386
00:15:41,359 --> 00:15:43,826
That towel thing feels awesome.

387
00:15:43,828 --> 00:15:46,395
It's a cold compress,
it'll bring your fever down.

388
00:15:46,397 --> 00:15:48,564
My husband should be in any minute.

389
00:15:48,566 --> 00:15:50,232
Thanks.

390
00:15:50,234 --> 00:15:52,067
I think it's only right to tell you,

391
00:15:52,069 --> 00:15:54,737
I don't know a lot about my
background, so...

392
00:15:54,739 --> 00:15:55,737
I might not be Jewish.

393
00:15:55,739 --> 00:15:58,240
Please, look at you.

394
00:15:58,242 --> 00:16:00,426
You could be my daughter.

395
00:16:00,428 --> 00:16:02,244
I would have liked that.

396
00:16:02,246 --> 00:16:04,213
Always wanted a daughter.

397
00:16:04,215 --> 00:16:06,882
I always wanted a mother.

398
00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,250
Oh, did your mother die young?

399
00:16:08,252 --> 00:16:10,436
Sadly, no.

400
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:14,273
Ooh, you need a kiss.

401
00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:17,426
Oh, good your soup is ready.

402
00:16:17,428 --> 00:16:19,979
Ess a bissel, tatelleh.

403
00:16:19,981 --> 00:16:20,980
Bissel?

404
00:16:20,982 --> 00:16:22,031
I know bissel.

405
00:16:22,033 --> 00:16:23,932
Of course you do.
You're Jewish.

406
00:16:23,934 --> 00:16:26,619
Okay, I'm Jewish, what the hell.

407
00:16:26,621 --> 00:16:27,703
Oh, we don't believe in hell.

408
00:16:27,705 --> 00:16:29,271
We don't?

409
00:16:29,273 --> 00:16:31,740
Awesome.

410
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,877
Oh, thanks.

411
00:16:34,879 --> 00:16:37,880
Call me Bubby.

412
00:16:37,882 --> 00:16:39,331
Thanks, Bubby.

413
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,250
No one's ever blown on my soup before.

414
00:16:41,252 --> 00:16:44,470
What's wrong with them?

415
00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:50,059
♪ That's my boy,
that's my boy, hey, ho ♪

416
00:16:50,061 --> 00:16:53,095
Oh, there he go!

417
00:16:53,097 --> 00:16:55,848
That's what's up, hooker.

418
00:16:55,850 --> 00:16:59,018
First of all, you just scuffed
his mother's freshly-waxed floor

419
00:16:59,020 --> 00:17:01,520
and secondly, you may think
throwing away your family

420
00:17:01,522 --> 00:17:04,857
traditions is cool now, but in
life, bad things can happen.

421
00:17:04,859 --> 00:17:07,359
And one day, when you find
yourself penniless and sick,

422
00:17:07,361 --> 00:17:08,944
you'll need your nice Jewish family

423
00:17:08,946 --> 00:17:10,946
and you'll call them three times
and they won't answer the phone

424
00:17:10,948 --> 00:17:13,616
no matter how much you need antibiotics.

425
00:17:13,618 --> 00:17:18,198
Damn, boo, I stopped listening
after you said freshly-waxed.

426
00:17:20,257 --> 00:17:22,424
Playa!

427
00:17:24,594 --> 00:17:27,513
Max, I'm giving you some amoxicillin

428
00:17:27,515 --> 00:17:28,614
for you to take home.

429
00:17:28,616 --> 00:17:30,549
Now take it all, even when you

430
00:17:30,551 --> 00:17:31,684
start feeling better.

431
00:17:31,686 --> 00:17:34,019
Yes, Dr. Anshell.

432
00:17:34,021 --> 00:17:35,771
Look what I brought.

433
00:17:35,773 --> 00:17:37,223
Sweets for the sweets.

434
00:17:37,225 --> 00:17:38,607
Ooh.

435
00:17:38,609 --> 00:17:40,559
Uh, wait, wait, wait,
before you eat those,

436
00:17:40,561 --> 00:17:42,344
remember how I said
I might not be Jewish?

437
00:17:42,346 --> 00:17:44,480
- Yes.
- Those might not be kosher.

438
00:17:44,482 --> 00:17:47,182
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying they're not kosher.

439
00:17:47,184 --> 00:17:48,701
What is she saying?

440
00:17:48,703 --> 00:17:49,851
Not kosher!

441
00:17:49,853 --> 00:17:51,853
- What?
- Not kosher!

442
00:17:51,855 --> 00:17:52,821
Spit it out, ma!

443
00:17:52,823 --> 00:17:54,657
Spit it out!

444
00:17:54,659 --> 00:17:59,194
Just a minute, it tastes so good.

445
00:17:59,196 --> 00:18:00,379
- You like that?
- Stop.

446
00:18:00,381 --> 00:18:01,547
- You like that?
- Stop it.

447
00:18:01,549 --> 00:18:03,315
- You like that?
- S--that's it!

448
00:18:03,317 --> 00:18:05,634
Listen, hit me with
one more dead president

449
00:18:05,636 --> 00:18:07,869
and you'll be six feet under
with Biggie and Tupac.

450
00:18:07,871 --> 00:18:10,306
You understand me, Jew-Tang Clan?

451
00:18:10,308 --> 00:18:13,208
Skinny bitch came to play!

452
00:18:13,210 --> 00:18:16,679
What kind of girl brings
non-kosher cupcakes

453
00:18:16,681 --> 00:18:17,846
into a kosher home?

454
00:18:17,848 --> 00:18:19,932
Not me-- I'm not that kind of girl.

455
00:18:19,934 --> 00:18:22,384
Yeah, hi, I think I'm that kind of girl.

456
00:18:22,386 --> 00:18:23,769
Max, what are you talking about?

457
00:18:23,771 --> 00:18:25,771
I made sure every single one of those

458
00:18:25,773 --> 00:18:27,323
was up to a rabbi's high standard.

459
00:18:27,325 --> 00:18:30,225
Yes, well, maybe my rabbi
didn't have such high standards.

460
00:18:30,227 --> 00:18:33,412
I'm so sorry, I burned some
and we were running late

461
00:18:33,414 --> 00:18:36,282
and I figured,
four non-kosher out of 80.

462
00:18:36,284 --> 00:18:37,533
So close.

463
00:18:37,535 --> 00:18:39,335
Max, I told you how important

464
00:18:39,337 --> 00:18:41,670
all those traditions are
to a Jewish family.

465
00:18:41,672 --> 00:18:43,572
Yes, you told me about
tradition and family,

466
00:18:43,574 --> 00:18:47,459
but none of that meant anything
until I felt that cold compress.

467
00:18:47,461 --> 00:18:49,428
And she was nice enough
to put it on my head

468
00:18:49,430 --> 00:18:51,513
and I felt what that feels like.

469
00:18:51,515 --> 00:18:53,182
And then Bubby blew on my soup

470
00:18:53,184 --> 00:18:55,250
before she ate the non-kosher cupcake.

471
00:18:55,252 --> 00:18:59,605
Wait, Bubby ate a non-kosher cupcake?

472
00:18:59,607 --> 00:19:01,724
It's a shanda!

473
00:19:01,726 --> 00:19:02,891
It is a shanda.

474
00:19:02,893 --> 00:19:04,560
I'm hoping shanda means

475
00:19:04,562 --> 00:19:06,595
you're forgiven and
we'll pay you anyway.

476
00:19:06,597 --> 00:19:07,946
We are not taking any money.

477
00:19:07,948 --> 00:19:10,932
That's right, you're not
taking anything.

478
00:19:10,934 --> 00:19:13,786
Except for this compress.

479
00:19:13,788 --> 00:19:16,238
Feel better.

480
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,123
Now go, get out of my sight.

481
00:19:18,125 --> 00:19:19,730
And don't wear short skirts.

482
00:19:19,850 --> 00:19:21,158
Esther Rachel,

483
00:19:21,278 --> 00:19:22,544
I wanna talk to you about your son

484
00:19:22,546 --> 00:19:23,746
Shmuley's behavior today.

485
00:19:23,748 --> 00:19:24,930
What are you talking about?

486
00:19:24,932 --> 00:19:25,981
What did my Shmuley do?

487
00:19:25,983 --> 00:19:27,549
I'll tell you what he did.

488
00:19:27,551 --> 00:19:29,218
He became a man.

489
00:19:29,220 --> 00:19:30,336
That's all he did.

490
00:19:30,338 --> 00:19:31,553
Right, Caroline?

491
00:19:31,555 --> 00:19:33,005
I'll say he became a man.

492
00:19:33,007 --> 00:19:34,306
What are you talking about?

493
00:19:34,308 --> 00:19:35,290
Shmuley!

494
00:19:35,292 --> 00:19:36,342
Stay out of it,

495
00:19:36,344 --> 00:19:37,626
this is not our family.

496
00:19:37,628 --> 00:19:38,977
You and I don't have a family.

497
00:19:38,979 --> 00:19:39,961
They still do.

498
00:19:39,963 --> 00:19:41,847
Let the police tell her about him.

499
00:19:41,849 --> 00:19:43,899
So about my Shmuley.

500
00:19:43,901 --> 00:19:45,150
What do you have to say?

501
00:19:45,152 --> 00:19:50,322
Mazel tov, he's a wonderful,
wonderful boy.

502
00:19:50,324 --> 00:19:52,157
Oh, there you are.

503
00:19:52,159 --> 00:19:55,811
Shmuley, David, say goodbye to
the cupcake girls.

504
00:19:55,813 --> 00:19:58,980
Nice to meet you.

505
00:20:00,849 --> 00:20:01,965
Thank you.

506
00:20:02,085 --> 00:20:03,702
So I see no Max.

507
00:20:03,704 --> 00:20:05,170
She still out sick?

508
00:20:05,172 --> 00:20:06,288
It's her first night back.

509
00:20:06,290 --> 00:20:07,456
She should be here any minute.

510
00:20:07,458 --> 00:20:08,540
Did you wanna order something

511
00:20:08,542 --> 00:20:09,758
or wait for your boyfriend?

512
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:14,930
Oh, see, this is sad story.

513
00:20:14,932 --> 00:20:19,635
Uh, he broke off with me
to date other woman.

514
00:20:19,637 --> 00:20:22,838
And she had penis.

515
00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:32,498
Yeah, I can't compete with that.

516
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:33,532
Hi, Earl.

517
00:20:33,534 --> 00:20:35,617
There she is, my long lost love.

518
00:20:35,619 --> 00:20:36,652
How you feeling, Max?

519
00:20:36,654 --> 00:20:38,987
I'm pretty good.

520
00:20:38,989 --> 00:20:40,355
Hey, Bubby.

521
00:20:40,357 --> 00:20:41,490
I brought you some chicken soup

522
00:20:41,492 --> 00:20:43,242
for taking care of me
the last couple days.

523
00:20:43,244 --> 00:20:45,327
I enjoyed being your Bubby.

524
00:20:45,329 --> 00:20:47,963
I guess you were wrong, Max.
You and I do have family--

525
00:20:47,965 --> 00:20:49,030
each other.

526
00:20:49,032 --> 00:20:50,365
We're not family until we have

527
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:53,585
to testify against each other
in a manslaughter trial.

528
00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:57,205
Here, eat this.

529
00:20:57,207 --> 00:20:58,807
I don't want you to
catch what I just had.

530
00:20:58,809 --> 00:20:59,975
Not gonna happen, Max.

531
00:20:59,977 --> 00:21:01,042
I took your advice.

532
00:21:01,044 --> 00:21:02,043
I manned up.

533
00:21:02,045 --> 00:21:03,645
I stared germs in the face.

534
00:21:03,647 --> 00:21:06,432
That's right, when you got sick,
I got balls.

535
00:21:06,434 --> 00:21:07,599
Booyah!

536
00:21:09,652 --> 00:21:12,855
Like looking in a mirror.

537
00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:15,171
Sync and corrections by Gatto
for www.addic7ed.com