1 00:00:00,653 --> 00:00:02,818 Max, can you watch my tables while I run to the restroom? 2 00:00:02,938 --> 00:00:04,054 I already am. 3 00:00:04,056 --> 00:00:05,505 I've been watching model girl 4 00:00:05,507 --> 00:00:08,191 pretend she's eating for 30 minutes. 5 00:00:08,193 --> 00:00:09,393 Oh, she's nice. 6 00:00:09,395 --> 00:00:12,296 She always tips on what she would've eaten. 7 00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:15,566 Guess what, everyone? 8 00:00:15,568 --> 00:00:17,034 I have a secret. 9 00:00:17,036 --> 00:00:18,535 You're a woman trapped in a man's body? 10 00:00:18,537 --> 00:00:19,786 No. 11 00:00:19,788 --> 00:00:21,572 You're a man trapped in a woman's body? 12 00:00:21,574 --> 00:00:23,123 You're a little boy 13 00:00:23,125 --> 00:00:24,575 trapped in a little girl's body? 14 00:00:24,577 --> 00:00:26,960 I am a man in a man's body. 15 00:00:26,962 --> 00:00:30,330 We're not talking about your night life. 16 00:00:30,332 --> 00:00:32,916 I have discovered something when going over 17 00:00:32,918 --> 00:00:34,534 the employee applications. 18 00:00:34,536 --> 00:00:37,838 Okay, perhaps I never worked at the Waldorf Astoria, 19 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:41,708 but I did work with this guy, Waldorf, in Astoria. 20 00:00:41,710 --> 00:00:44,728 It's not you. Tomorrow is Caroline's birthday. 21 00:00:44,730 --> 00:00:46,763 Why wouldn't I know that? 22 00:00:46,765 --> 00:00:48,932 She tells me everything about her life. 23 00:00:48,934 --> 00:00:50,350 I know so much about her cycle, 24 00:00:50,352 --> 00:00:53,270 I'm feeling pressure to impregnate her. 25 00:00:53,272 --> 00:00:56,023 I can do that for you. 26 00:00:56,025 --> 00:00:57,274 It's weird. 27 00:00:57,276 --> 00:00:59,393 Why wouldn't she want to celebrate her birthday? 28 00:00:59,395 --> 00:01:00,727 She celebrates everything. 29 00:01:00,729 --> 00:01:02,613 Heads up, everybody. 30 00:01:02,615 --> 00:01:04,531 I just refilled the paper towels. 31 00:01:04,533 --> 00:01:09,469 Who's a team player? What, what? 32 00:01:10,455 --> 00:01:11,688 ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 33 00:01:14,409 --> 00:01:16,156 ♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 34 00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:18,276 2 Broke Girls - S01E18 And the One-Night Stands 35 00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:19,800 Original air date February 27, 2012 36 00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:21,900 Sync and corrections by Gatto for www.addic7ed.com 37 00:01:22,776 --> 00:01:24,143 Max. 38 00:01:24,145 --> 00:01:25,778 You know what we have to do. 39 00:01:25,780 --> 00:01:28,214 Aw, man. I knew this day would come. 40 00:01:28,216 --> 00:01:33,202 All right, what's the least amount I can do to keep my job? 41 00:01:33,204 --> 00:01:35,821 Just tell me when it's over. 42 00:01:35,823 --> 00:01:37,573 And when it starts. 43 00:01:37,575 --> 00:01:40,609 It's time to talk about Caroline's birthday. 44 00:01:40,611 --> 00:01:42,161 You have to throw her a party. 45 00:01:42,163 --> 00:01:43,662 I'd rather you just 46 00:01:43,664 --> 00:01:46,966 have your tiny way with me. 47 00:01:46,968 --> 00:01:49,585 I don't like birthdays. I don't even know when mine is. 48 00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:53,839 My mom narrowed it down to a two-week window in June. 49 00:01:55,425 --> 00:01:57,727 But you are Caroline's BFF. 50 00:01:57,729 --> 00:02:00,679 And it is BFF's job to throw friend a party. 51 00:02:00,681 --> 00:02:01,764 Han, I don't have enough money 52 00:02:01,766 --> 00:02:03,065 to throw a party. 53 00:02:03,067 --> 00:02:06,301 I don't even have enough money to throw a baseball. 54 00:02:06,303 --> 00:02:08,187 You have money. You be her BFF. 55 00:02:08,189 --> 00:02:11,490 I already have a BFF-- Jamarcus. 56 00:02:11,492 --> 00:02:13,109 And my last birthday, 57 00:02:13,111 --> 00:02:15,528 he threw me a sick surprise party. 58 00:02:15,530 --> 00:02:18,447 You must think BFF stands for "barely freaking friends", 59 00:02:18,449 --> 00:02:20,082 because there's no way you're down 60 00:02:20,084 --> 00:02:21,617 with someone named Jamarcus. 61 00:02:21,619 --> 00:02:22,701 Oh, really? 62 00:02:22,703 --> 00:02:26,989 Then why did we exchange ATM pin numbers? 63 00:02:26,991 --> 00:02:29,825 Oh... 64 00:02:29,827 --> 00:02:32,595 I'll just crop that, and we'll be good to go. 65 00:02:32,597 --> 00:02:35,831 Max, Edwin's ready to show us the design for our new website. 66 00:02:35,833 --> 00:02:37,383 Come see it. 67 00:02:37,385 --> 00:02:39,718 Dude, you and the webmaster have been talking "business" 68 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,336 every day for a week. 69 00:02:41,338 --> 00:02:42,555 Is something going on there? 70 00:02:42,557 --> 00:02:45,357 Shouldn't the web be mastered by now? 71 00:02:45,359 --> 00:02:47,393 It's strictly business. 72 00:02:47,395 --> 00:02:49,562 All right, but it's costing us $200. 73 00:02:49,564 --> 00:02:52,031 Might as well get something out of it. 74 00:02:52,033 --> 00:02:56,685 Maybe let him browse your Yahoo? 75 00:02:56,687 --> 00:02:58,954 Looks like he might have a big ol' hard drive 76 00:02:58,956 --> 00:03:01,841 with a lot of ram. 77 00:03:01,843 --> 00:03:04,827 Yeah, he's cute, but I don't want a relationship right now. 78 00:03:04,829 --> 00:03:06,462 And I don't do one-night stands. 79 00:03:06,464 --> 00:03:08,864 All right, so don't stand. Lay down. 80 00:03:08,866 --> 00:03:10,166 That's not me-- 81 00:03:10,168 --> 00:03:12,367 the next morning, doing the walk of shame. 82 00:03:12,369 --> 00:03:15,254 I always see those girls with their messed-up sex hair, 83 00:03:15,256 --> 00:03:17,206 carrying their heels, clutching their coats 84 00:03:17,208 --> 00:03:18,540 to hide last night's outfit. 85 00:03:18,542 --> 00:03:20,876 Going into Kinko's to use Google maps 86 00:03:20,878 --> 00:03:23,562 so you can figure out where you are. 87 00:03:23,564 --> 00:03:28,934 You really put the "ho" in "Kinko." 88 00:03:28,936 --> 00:03:31,070 Oh. Sorry, Sophie. 89 00:03:31,072 --> 00:03:32,021 We're closed. 90 00:03:32,023 --> 00:03:33,489 Oh, no. I'll be quick. 91 00:03:33,491 --> 00:03:35,407 I just want a cupcake to go. 92 00:03:35,409 --> 00:03:39,245 I'm on my way to 24 hour fitness. 93 00:03:39,247 --> 00:03:44,500 Ja, and I put it on the cupcake holder on the treadmill. 94 00:03:46,921 --> 00:03:50,172 Uh, Max, my town car is parked out front 95 00:03:50,174 --> 00:03:52,508 and I was wondering if you wanted me to wait 96 00:03:52,510 --> 00:03:55,177 for you and Caroline to give you a ride back to our building. 97 00:03:55,179 --> 00:03:56,512 Oh, no. It's okay. 98 00:03:56,514 --> 00:03:57,796 We still have to clean up and take the garbage out. 99 00:03:57,798 --> 00:03:59,181 Oh. 100 00:04:03,353 --> 00:04:08,423 Oh, looks like the garbage is taking itself out. 101 00:04:08,425 --> 00:04:11,560 The game continues. 102 00:04:11,562 --> 00:04:12,862 Here is my number. 103 00:04:12,864 --> 00:04:14,396 I invite you to call me 104 00:04:14,398 --> 00:04:16,532 when you realize what a catch I am. 105 00:04:16,534 --> 00:04:19,418 Or any time you are drunk and willing. 106 00:04:19,420 --> 00:04:22,738 Max, I'm going to need the doggy bag as well. 107 00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:24,490 Not for the cupcake. 108 00:04:24,492 --> 00:04:27,743 To puke in. 109 00:04:31,414 --> 00:04:32,614 So I'll get this finalized, 110 00:04:32,616 --> 00:04:34,283 and then I'll stop by the diner tomorrow 111 00:04:34,285 --> 00:04:36,969 so you can sign off on the layout before we go live. 112 00:04:36,971 --> 00:04:38,637 This is so exciting. 113 00:04:38,639 --> 00:04:40,789 Oh, wait, Edwin. Shoot. 114 00:04:40,791 --> 00:04:42,675 I forgot to show you the new pricing chart. 115 00:04:42,677 --> 00:04:44,343 It's cool, I can draft it up right now 116 00:04:44,345 --> 00:04:45,627 and upload it when I get home. 117 00:04:45,629 --> 00:04:47,930 Yeah, webmaster. You work pretty fast. 118 00:04:47,932 --> 00:04:50,432 But I bet you can work slow, too. 119 00:04:50,434 --> 00:04:52,685 And really fast again. 120 00:04:52,687 --> 00:04:54,320 I can be done in a minute. 121 00:04:54,322 --> 00:04:56,155 Ooh, not what you want to hear. 122 00:04:56,157 --> 00:04:57,740 Max. 123 00:04:57,742 --> 00:04:59,658 It's fine. We can wait. 124 00:04:59,660 --> 00:05:01,160 You know what? You stay here. 125 00:05:01,162 --> 00:05:03,662 I have to go to the store and pick up stuff for your-- 126 00:05:03,664 --> 00:05:05,114 my what? 127 00:05:05,116 --> 00:05:09,835 Your cupcake business that you're making me do with you. 128 00:05:09,837 --> 00:05:10,986 Get home safe. 129 00:05:10,988 --> 00:05:13,005 Um, hey, where do you live, Edwin? 130 00:05:13,007 --> 00:05:14,123 Hell's kitchen. 131 00:05:14,125 --> 00:05:15,291 Oh, cool. 132 00:05:15,293 --> 00:05:16,625 You're going to want to take the "c" down, 133 00:05:16,627 --> 00:05:18,294 transfer to the "l," and if you get lost, 134 00:05:18,296 --> 00:05:20,462 there's a Kinko's on 6th and 14th. 135 00:05:20,464 --> 00:05:23,916 That's embarrassing. Max was just trying to-- 136 00:05:23,918 --> 00:05:26,001 yeah, I work on complicated web programs. 137 00:05:26,003 --> 00:05:28,387 I think I cracked that code. 138 00:05:28,389 --> 00:05:29,855 She wants us to hook up. 139 00:05:29,857 --> 00:05:32,174 Yeah. I'm sorry. 140 00:05:32,176 --> 00:05:33,342 Why are you sorry? 141 00:05:33,344 --> 00:05:37,012 That's all I've been thinking about. 142 00:05:47,874 --> 00:05:51,043 Yum, yum. 143 00:05:51,045 --> 00:05:53,862 Oh, my God. 144 00:05:53,864 --> 00:05:56,415 They are so hot. 145 00:06:07,543 --> 00:06:10,229 Don't give me that look. 146 00:06:21,992 --> 00:06:23,075 Oleg. 147 00:06:23,077 --> 00:06:24,360 Caroline. 148 00:06:24,362 --> 00:06:25,911 What are you doing here? 149 00:06:25,913 --> 00:06:27,613 What are you doing here? 150 00:06:27,615 --> 00:06:30,449 I live here, and I'm just coming out 151 00:06:30,451 --> 00:06:32,067 from going to get coffee. 152 00:06:32,069 --> 00:06:34,753 It was delicious. I drank every bit of it. 153 00:06:34,755 --> 00:06:37,172 Outside. That's why I don't have a cup. 154 00:06:37,174 --> 00:06:40,242 But you're wearing the same outfit from last night. 155 00:06:40,244 --> 00:06:43,128 You're wearing the same outfit from last night. 156 00:06:43,130 --> 00:06:45,514 And you have messed-up sex hair. 157 00:06:45,516 --> 00:06:48,183 You have messed-up sex hair. 158 00:06:48,185 --> 00:06:50,436 Webmaster? 159 00:06:50,438 --> 00:06:52,454 Sophie? 160 00:06:52,456 --> 00:06:55,557 She called me up and we made hand love. 161 00:06:55,559 --> 00:06:57,426 But I thought Sophie hated you. 162 00:06:57,428 --> 00:07:01,263 Well, she doesn't hate my hand. 163 00:07:01,265 --> 00:07:02,948 But you cannot tell anyone. 164 00:07:02,950 --> 00:07:04,483 That was her one condition. 165 00:07:04,485 --> 00:07:06,568 That and a copy of my recent blood tests 166 00:07:06,570 --> 00:07:08,654 signed by a medical professional. 167 00:07:08,656 --> 00:07:09,771 Deal. 168 00:07:09,773 --> 00:07:11,457 And you can't tell anyone about me, either. 169 00:07:11,459 --> 00:07:12,374 Especially Max. 170 00:07:12,376 --> 00:07:13,826 I'd never hear the end of it. 171 00:07:13,828 --> 00:07:14,793 Deal. 172 00:07:14,795 --> 00:07:15,794 Pinky swear? 173 00:07:15,796 --> 00:07:16,945 Actually, never mind. 174 00:07:16,947 --> 00:07:18,080 I don't know where your fingers have been. 175 00:07:18,082 --> 00:07:21,750 I just told you where they've been. 176 00:07:24,794 --> 00:07:26,061 Max 177 00:07:26,181 --> 00:07:28,883 I'm so excited for this party. 178 00:07:28,885 --> 00:07:33,220 I wore my loose clothing so I can dance all night. 179 00:07:33,222 --> 00:07:35,690 God, I cannot take this party pressure. 180 00:07:35,692 --> 00:07:36,724 I'm just going to go in the back 181 00:07:36,726 --> 00:07:39,310 and run a can opener across my wrist. 182 00:07:39,312 --> 00:07:41,812 Oh, Max. I'm sure you did a great job. 183 00:07:41,814 --> 00:07:44,315 You know, as long as you have a DJ, 184 00:07:44,317 --> 00:07:47,285 some champagne, and a psychic. 185 00:07:47,287 --> 00:07:50,104 No, no, and no. 186 00:07:50,106 --> 00:07:52,039 I got some balloons, a hummus tray, 187 00:07:52,041 --> 00:07:53,374 and possibly Earl. 188 00:07:53,376 --> 00:07:55,526 He still hasn't confirmed. 189 00:07:55,528 --> 00:07:56,610 Oh. 190 00:07:56,612 --> 00:07:58,045 You don't need psychic to know 191 00:07:58,047 --> 00:08:01,549 that this is going to be a horrible, horrible party. 192 00:08:01,551 --> 00:08:03,834 Well, thank God Caroline has new boy toy. 193 00:08:03,836 --> 00:08:05,786 She might not mind as much. 194 00:08:05,788 --> 00:08:07,338 What are you talking about? 195 00:08:07,340 --> 00:08:10,675 Yeah, I saw them kissing in front of the diner last night. 196 00:08:10,677 --> 00:08:14,679 Yeah, I sat there and watched for an hour. 197 00:08:15,898 --> 00:08:19,400 They were really going at it, hot and heavy. 198 00:08:19,402 --> 00:08:23,688 You know, like the Showtime network in the good old days. 199 00:08:23,690 --> 00:08:24,805 Oh, great. 200 00:08:24,807 --> 00:08:26,607 Now I have to invite him to the party, too? 201 00:08:26,609 --> 00:08:28,826 I only got a six-pack of Capri Suns, 202 00:08:28,828 --> 00:08:31,195 so people are going to have to share. 203 00:08:31,197 --> 00:08:33,247 Congratulations, it's official. 204 00:08:33,249 --> 00:08:34,699 Our website is now live. 205 00:08:34,701 --> 00:08:36,584 Congratulations, it's official. 206 00:08:36,586 --> 00:08:39,620 You're a whore. 207 00:08:39,622 --> 00:08:43,174 I hear you got your Kinko's card punched. 208 00:08:43,176 --> 00:08:44,458 What? 209 00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:45,593 Don't "what" me. 210 00:08:45,595 --> 00:08:48,346 I know you hooked up with the webmaster. 211 00:08:48,348 --> 00:08:49,630 Pick up. 212 00:08:49,632 --> 00:08:51,832 Oleg, you told Max? 213 00:08:51,834 --> 00:08:53,851 What's happening? 214 00:08:53,853 --> 00:08:54,885 Our deal's off. 215 00:08:54,887 --> 00:08:57,388 Oleg had sex with Sophie last night. 216 00:08:57,390 --> 00:08:58,689 No... 217 00:08:58,691 --> 00:09:02,276 It wasn't sex. Just hand stuff. 218 00:09:02,278 --> 00:09:04,061 Yeah, and nothing above the waist. 219 00:09:04,063 --> 00:09:07,448 I'm a lady. 220 00:09:07,450 --> 00:09:12,069 I got all hot and bothered watching Caroline and big Han. 221 00:09:12,071 --> 00:09:15,573 Okay... 222 00:09:15,575 --> 00:09:18,442 You know, I really think this is between Caroline and me. 223 00:09:18,444 --> 00:09:21,379 You mean between Caroline, you, and your strippers. 224 00:09:21,381 --> 00:09:22,797 Strippers? 225 00:09:22,799 --> 00:09:25,132 I have seen this man in a strip club. 226 00:09:25,134 --> 00:09:27,718 Han, you were in a strip club? 227 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,888 Earl took me. 228 00:09:36,544 --> 00:09:37,428 Damn it, Han. 229 00:09:37,430 --> 00:09:38,596 You're going to sell me out 230 00:09:38,598 --> 00:09:42,566 after I spotted you $100 in ones. 231 00:09:42,568 --> 00:09:46,187 You went to Spreaders without me? 232 00:09:46,189 --> 00:09:49,106 Why would you take Han to a strip club? 233 00:09:49,108 --> 00:09:52,559 Yeah, is his lap even big enough for a dance? 234 00:09:52,561 --> 00:09:54,779 Earl, I'm so disappointed in you. 235 00:09:54,781 --> 00:09:57,281 That's it. I'm not going to your party. 236 00:09:57,283 --> 00:09:58,332 What party? 237 00:09:58,334 --> 00:09:59,583 Damn it, Earl! 238 00:09:59,585 --> 00:10:02,169 It's supposed to be a surprise for her birthday. 239 00:10:02,171 --> 00:10:04,238 Who told you it was my birthday? 240 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:05,423 Han. 241 00:10:05,425 --> 00:10:06,957 Damn it, Han! 242 00:10:06,959 --> 00:10:08,676 I didn't want a party 243 00:10:08,678 --> 00:10:10,511 and I don't want to celebrate my birthday this year. 244 00:10:10,513 --> 00:10:11,846 Well, too bad, 245 00:10:11,848 --> 00:10:14,799 because your BFF is throwing you a big blow-out. 246 00:10:14,801 --> 00:10:17,301 Oh, Max. Now I feel bad. 247 00:10:17,303 --> 00:10:21,138 You feel bad now, wait till you see the party. 248 00:10:24,659 --> 00:10:28,495 Caroline's birthday. Woot, woot. 249 00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:31,798 Thanks, but you don't have to say that after everything. 250 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,835 Max... 251 00:10:34,837 --> 00:10:37,120 I know you had limited budget, 252 00:10:37,122 --> 00:10:39,306 but music is free. 253 00:10:39,308 --> 00:10:43,760 Yeah, well, I'm a douche. 254 00:10:43,762 --> 00:10:47,314 Speech! 255 00:10:47,316 --> 00:10:50,350 Speech! 256 00:10:50,352 --> 00:10:54,053 I can't carry this party much longer. 257 00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:57,223 Okay, I'd like to say something. 258 00:10:57,225 --> 00:10:58,275 Wait, wait. 259 00:10:58,277 --> 00:11:00,727 Can't we wait till we cut the cake? 260 00:11:00,729 --> 00:11:02,061 Cake? 261 00:11:02,063 --> 00:11:04,331 People are still doing that? 262 00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:08,835 Yes. Our livelihood depends on it. 263 00:11:08,837 --> 00:11:11,421 There's only one party as bad as this one. 264 00:11:11,423 --> 00:11:16,593 That's the Donner Party. 265 00:11:18,096 --> 00:11:23,200 And even they had better food. 266 00:11:23,202 --> 00:11:26,720 I'd like to say happy birthday to a very pretty lady 267 00:11:26,722 --> 00:11:28,638 who I just had the pleasure of meeting, 268 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:31,324 and I think I'm going to be seeing a lot more of her. 269 00:11:31,326 --> 00:11:32,692 Aw. 270 00:11:32,694 --> 00:11:34,761 I'll go get us some more drinks. 271 00:11:34,763 --> 00:11:36,095 Okay. 272 00:11:36,097 --> 00:11:38,782 Get rid of him. 273 00:11:38,784 --> 00:11:40,233 What? 274 00:11:40,235 --> 00:11:41,401 It was a one-time thing. 275 00:11:41,403 --> 00:11:43,453 I thought you weren't that kind of girl. 276 00:11:43,455 --> 00:11:45,104 I realized it had almost been a year 277 00:11:45,106 --> 00:11:46,706 since I had sex, and I decided 278 00:11:46,708 --> 00:11:48,992 I rather not be that kind of girl. 279 00:11:48,994 --> 00:11:50,243 But I don't want a relationship. 280 00:11:50,245 --> 00:11:52,129 Hey, I get it. Hit it and quit it. 281 00:11:52,131 --> 00:11:53,713 ♪ hit it, don't babysit it ♪ 282 00:11:53,715 --> 00:11:56,216 Max, please. 283 00:11:56,218 --> 00:11:57,167 Fine. 284 00:11:57,169 --> 00:11:58,218 How am I going to make him go away? 285 00:11:58,220 --> 00:11:59,336 It's not going to take a lot 286 00:11:59,338 --> 00:12:01,621 to convince someone to leave this party. 287 00:12:01,623 --> 00:12:05,392 I'd like to ask everyone to raise their cocktail, 288 00:12:05,394 --> 00:12:06,343 but I can't. 289 00:12:06,345 --> 00:12:10,680 So raise your Capri to the sun... 290 00:12:12,466 --> 00:12:16,676 For a very special lady who I'm sure I will be seeing more of. 291 00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:27,497 Get rid of him. It was a one-time thing. 292 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,918 So was that the worst party you've ever been to? 293 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:35,321 That was the worst party anyone's ever been to. 294 00:12:35,323 --> 00:12:39,158 So with the webmaster, how was the sex? 295 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:40,927 Pretty good. 296 00:12:40,929 --> 00:12:42,095 But then he did that thing 297 00:12:42,097 --> 00:12:43,964 where he pretended he was going to choke me. 298 00:12:43,966 --> 00:12:45,849 When did guys start doing that? 299 00:12:45,851 --> 00:12:46,800 I don't know, 300 00:12:46,802 --> 00:12:48,101 but if I knew that was his thing, 301 00:12:48,103 --> 00:12:50,003 I would've asked him to choke me at the party. 302 00:12:50,005 --> 00:12:51,438 How did you get rid of him? 303 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,473 What did you say? Did you let him down gently? 304 00:12:53,475 --> 00:12:55,559 No, I told him to hit the pike. 305 00:12:55,561 --> 00:12:57,644 It's a one-night stand. Guys get that. 306 00:12:57,646 --> 00:13:00,313 So that's it? He wasn't upset? 307 00:13:00,315 --> 00:13:02,399 Guys don't care. 308 00:13:02,401 --> 00:13:05,118 One-night stands-- they come, they go. 309 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,185 Literally. 310 00:13:06,187 --> 00:13:08,455 But what if he wants to see me again? 311 00:13:08,457 --> 00:13:09,489 Relax. 312 00:13:09,491 --> 00:13:10,957 It is not going to come back to haunt you. 313 00:13:10,959 --> 00:13:12,909 Unless you start feeling an itch... 314 00:13:12,911 --> 00:13:14,794 Or a kick. 315 00:13:14,796 --> 00:13:16,296 Well, thanks for dumping him. 316 00:13:16,298 --> 00:13:17,497 And for the... 317 00:13:17,499 --> 00:13:20,417 I'm going to go ahead and call it a party. 318 00:13:20,419 --> 00:13:22,219 I knew you wouldn't want me 319 00:13:22,221 --> 00:13:23,887 to use any of the cupcake money, 320 00:13:23,889 --> 00:13:25,055 and I was broke. 321 00:13:25,057 --> 00:13:27,057 So I guess I am your BFF-- 322 00:13:27,059 --> 00:13:29,559 your broke friend forever. 323 00:13:29,561 --> 00:13:31,845 Max, it really doesn't matter what you would've done. 324 00:13:31,847 --> 00:13:33,597 The only thing I really wanted for my birthday 325 00:13:33,599 --> 00:13:34,981 was to see my father. 326 00:13:34,983 --> 00:13:38,051 And he's in prison, so that didn't happen. 327 00:13:38,053 --> 00:13:41,321 I may not be a good BFF, 328 00:13:41,323 --> 00:13:42,606 I may not throw a great party, 329 00:13:42,608 --> 00:13:46,576 but I do know where to find a free bus to prison. 330 00:13:46,578 --> 00:13:49,562 Hey, everybody. We got a birthday girl onboard. 331 00:13:49,564 --> 00:13:52,666 Sit yo ass back down! 332 00:13:52,668 --> 00:13:56,086 See? Now we got a party. 333 00:14:00,961 --> 00:14:02,895 This is nice getting out of the city. 334 00:14:02,897 --> 00:14:05,181 Kind of reminds me of the ride to the Hamptons. 335 00:14:05,183 --> 00:14:06,332 Yo. 336 00:14:06,334 --> 00:14:09,318 This your first time on the bangbus? 337 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:14,107 We call it the bangbus because everybody here gonna get banged. 338 00:14:14,109 --> 00:14:16,142 And in addition 'cause we're on a bus. 339 00:14:16,144 --> 00:14:17,527 Hmm, makes sense. 340 00:14:17,529 --> 00:14:18,461 Hey, I'm Shonda. 341 00:14:18,463 --> 00:14:20,646 I'm Max. This is Caroline. 342 00:14:20,648 --> 00:14:23,816 So you're all going for, like, conjugal visits? 343 00:14:23,818 --> 00:14:25,201 Pretty fancy term for getting 344 00:14:25,203 --> 00:14:27,653 shawshanked on a three-legged cot. 345 00:14:27,655 --> 00:14:30,039 Shawshanked. I like her. 346 00:14:30,041 --> 00:14:31,007 I like your hair. 347 00:14:31,009 --> 00:14:33,659 Did you just get back from Cancun? 348 00:14:33,661 --> 00:14:35,661 No, no. 349 00:14:35,663 --> 00:14:37,547 I saved up, and I got these done for my man. 350 00:14:37,549 --> 00:14:38,548 He says they make me 351 00:14:38,550 --> 00:14:40,183 look like Alicia Keys meets Ed Norton 352 00:14:40,185 --> 00:14:42,101 in American History X. 353 00:14:42,103 --> 00:14:43,803 How sweet. 354 00:14:43,805 --> 00:14:45,605 Ah, yo. What's your man in for? 355 00:14:45,607 --> 00:14:48,975 My man's in for possession of a sweet, sweet ass. 356 00:14:48,977 --> 00:14:51,644 He makes that joke every time. 357 00:14:51,646 --> 00:14:54,397 He's not my man, actually. He's my dad. 358 00:14:54,399 --> 00:14:55,648 Oh, so you're a freak. 359 00:14:55,650 --> 00:14:57,667 That's all right. I don't judge. 360 00:14:57,669 --> 00:15:01,120 You see a name tag on me that says "Judy"? 361 00:15:01,122 --> 00:15:03,239 Oh, look. We just passed a Carvel. 362 00:15:03,241 --> 00:15:05,041 What's a Carvel? 363 00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:07,026 Carvel ice cream. 364 00:15:07,028 --> 00:15:08,711 You know, Fudgie the Whale, Cookie Puss. 365 00:15:08,713 --> 00:15:10,630 Come on, how could you not know Carvel? 366 00:15:10,632 --> 00:15:11,881 They have them everywhere. 367 00:15:11,883 --> 00:15:12,865 Oh, wait. 368 00:15:12,867 --> 00:15:14,300 Is that that white trash ice cream? 369 00:15:14,302 --> 00:15:15,635 How dare you! 370 00:15:15,637 --> 00:15:18,221 It is not white trash. 371 00:15:18,223 --> 00:15:19,672 And I wouldn't be so high and mighty. 372 00:15:19,674 --> 00:15:21,390 You're on a free bangbus to a prison. 373 00:15:21,392 --> 00:15:22,475 I'm sorry. 374 00:15:22,477 --> 00:15:23,726 I didn't realize you had such 375 00:15:23,728 --> 00:15:25,895 a strong emotional connection to ice cream. 376 00:15:25,897 --> 00:15:30,349 Not to the ice cream. The ice cream cake. 377 00:15:30,351 --> 00:15:32,652 When I was ten, I asked my mom for a birthday party. 378 00:15:32,654 --> 00:15:34,520 She said yes but then flaked out 379 00:15:34,522 --> 00:15:35,655 and forgot to call anyone. 380 00:15:35,657 --> 00:15:37,273 I'm starting to understand why 381 00:15:37,275 --> 00:15:39,075 you don't like birthday parties. 382 00:15:39,077 --> 00:15:41,027 So after I waited on the porch for an hour, 383 00:15:41,029 --> 00:15:42,912 I'll stole 20 bucks from her purse, 384 00:15:42,914 --> 00:15:44,063 thumbed it out to Carvel, 385 00:15:44,065 --> 00:15:45,865 and bought myself a Fudgie the Whale cake. 386 00:15:45,867 --> 00:15:48,751 Ate the whole thing with a pink plastic spoon, 387 00:15:48,753 --> 00:15:51,788 and it was way better than any party ever could have been. 388 00:15:51,790 --> 00:15:53,022 I heard that. 389 00:15:53,024 --> 00:15:54,624 There ain't nothing better than Fudgie the Whale. 390 00:15:54,626 --> 00:15:56,575 I love the chocolate crunchies. 391 00:15:56,577 --> 00:16:01,297 Bitch, everybody love the damn chocolate crunchies! 392 00:16:04,518 --> 00:16:06,269 Hey, Shonda. Who are you here to see? 393 00:16:06,271 --> 00:16:08,437 Who's available? 394 00:16:08,439 --> 00:16:13,059 I'm just cracking wise. You know I'm here to see Squirm. 395 00:16:13,061 --> 00:16:14,560 Search her. 396 00:16:14,562 --> 00:16:18,030 Damn. Is it my turn again? 397 00:16:18,032 --> 00:16:19,315 Next. 398 00:16:19,317 --> 00:16:21,767 We're not on that list. We didn't call ahead. 399 00:16:21,769 --> 00:16:23,269 Leave it to me. 400 00:16:23,271 --> 00:16:25,488 I've gotten into every club I've ever wanted to get into. 401 00:16:25,490 --> 00:16:28,040 Hi. Caroline Channing plus one. 402 00:16:28,042 --> 00:16:29,992 I don't see you on the list. 403 00:16:29,994 --> 00:16:31,544 Really? That's weird. 404 00:16:31,546 --> 00:16:34,046 We should be on the list. We're always on the list. 405 00:16:34,048 --> 00:16:35,414 Max, we're not on the list. 406 00:16:35,416 --> 00:16:39,418 We're not? I'm going to kill my assistant. 407 00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:41,137 Oh, I know. 408 00:16:41,139 --> 00:16:44,257 It might be under Deangelo Jefferson. 409 00:16:44,259 --> 00:16:46,392 Come on, girls. Don't waste my time. 410 00:16:46,394 --> 00:16:49,345 I'd like to see a manager. 411 00:16:52,015 --> 00:16:53,266 There's no manager. 412 00:16:53,268 --> 00:16:55,101 It's a prison. 413 00:16:55,103 --> 00:16:57,653 Well, then who runs this place? 414 00:16:57,655 --> 00:17:03,109 Well, the Aryan brotherhood is getting pretty strong. 415 00:17:03,111 --> 00:17:05,328 This is such amateur hour. 416 00:17:05,330 --> 00:17:07,280 Give me 50 bucks for the door guy. 417 00:17:07,282 --> 00:17:09,332 Are you seriously trying to bribe 418 00:17:09,334 --> 00:17:13,085 an officer of the law while inside a prison? 419 00:17:13,087 --> 00:17:15,171 That's a federal offense. 420 00:17:15,173 --> 00:17:16,322 Is it? 421 00:17:16,324 --> 00:17:19,959 Probably. 422 00:17:19,961 --> 00:17:22,295 Look, I should have you thrown out for even suggesting it. 423 00:17:22,297 --> 00:17:23,930 We do not accept bribes. 424 00:17:23,932 --> 00:17:25,181 Okay, fine. 425 00:17:25,183 --> 00:17:27,433 I'll let you take your sweet time searching me 426 00:17:27,435 --> 00:17:29,886 on the way in. 427 00:17:29,888 --> 00:17:32,104 These two are clear to go through. 428 00:17:32,106 --> 00:17:34,724 Max, you can't do that for me. 429 00:17:34,726 --> 00:17:36,976 It's really for me. It's been a while. 430 00:17:36,978 --> 00:17:40,146 Woot, woot. 431 00:17:41,198 --> 00:17:43,366 I'm so excited to see my father 432 00:17:43,368 --> 00:17:44,734 after all this time. 433 00:17:44,736 --> 00:17:46,202 How do I look? 434 00:17:46,204 --> 00:17:47,320 You look good. How do I look? 435 00:17:47,322 --> 00:17:50,356 Do I still have that freshly felt-up glow? 436 00:17:50,358 --> 00:17:53,359 Well, that ginger over there thinks you look good. 437 00:17:53,361 --> 00:17:55,194 He's full-on staring at you. 438 00:17:55,196 --> 00:17:57,129 Well, I should hope so. 439 00:17:57,131 --> 00:17:58,915 If you can't get a dude in prison to check you out, 440 00:17:58,917 --> 00:18:00,800 it's time for a makeover. 441 00:18:00,802 --> 00:18:05,438 No, he's looking and nodding like he knows you. 442 00:18:09,009 --> 00:18:10,726 Never seen him before in my life. 443 00:18:10,728 --> 00:18:11,844 Max? 444 00:18:11,846 --> 00:18:13,879 Max Black? 445 00:18:13,881 --> 00:18:15,898 It's me, Irish. 446 00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:18,067 I don't know, dude. I think you got the wrong girl. 447 00:18:18,069 --> 00:18:20,319 Max, I could never forget that face. 448 00:18:20,321 --> 00:18:24,407 Trust me, you've never seen me before. 449 00:18:24,409 --> 00:18:26,192 Oh, damn! 450 00:18:26,194 --> 00:18:27,777 Oh, my God! 451 00:18:27,779 --> 00:18:29,445 That's you. 452 00:18:29,447 --> 00:18:31,080 So you do remember. 453 00:18:31,082 --> 00:18:32,581 Of course. 454 00:18:32,583 --> 00:18:35,584 Get rid of him. It was a one-night stand. 455 00:18:35,586 --> 00:18:37,569 See, they do come back to haunt you. 456 00:18:37,571 --> 00:18:38,621 Shirt on. 457 00:18:38,623 --> 00:18:40,623 Max, can you believe it? 458 00:18:40,625 --> 00:18:42,375 Of all the prisons in all the world, 459 00:18:42,377 --> 00:18:43,626 you walked into mine. 460 00:18:43,628 --> 00:18:44,743 It's kismet. 461 00:18:44,745 --> 00:18:47,797 I got rid of yours. You get rid of mine. 462 00:18:47,799 --> 00:18:50,749 Listen, Irish. It was a one-time thing. 463 00:18:50,751 --> 00:18:52,468 You're a guy. You get that. 464 00:18:52,470 --> 00:18:54,470 How could you say it's a one-time thing? 465 00:18:54,472 --> 00:18:55,638 I love you. 466 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:59,258 I blew up that chipotle for you. 467 00:18:59,260 --> 00:19:01,277 Listen, I appreciate the ink, 468 00:19:01,279 --> 00:19:03,062 but I don't really believe in love, 469 00:19:03,064 --> 00:19:04,096 and truth be told, 470 00:19:04,098 --> 00:19:06,532 I'm not even a fan of Mexican food. 471 00:19:06,534 --> 00:19:08,734 Caroline Channing. This table. 472 00:19:08,736 --> 00:19:10,602 Max, we have to go. My dad's coming. 473 00:19:10,604 --> 00:19:12,271 Okay. Nice to see you, Irish. 474 00:19:12,273 --> 00:19:13,990 Your body looks sick. 475 00:19:13,992 --> 00:19:15,207 Max, hold on. 476 00:19:15,209 --> 00:19:16,375 I'm not going to tell you again to back up. 477 00:19:16,377 --> 00:19:17,960 Max, I'm not going to lose you twice. 478 00:19:17,962 --> 00:19:19,211 I said, back up! 479 00:19:19,213 --> 00:19:20,329 Don't tell me to back up. 480 00:19:20,331 --> 00:19:21,797 That's the love of my life. 481 00:19:21,799 --> 00:19:23,949 Come on, dude. Hit the pike. 482 00:19:23,951 --> 00:19:25,334 Calm down. 483 00:19:25,336 --> 00:19:26,452 Don't tell me to calm down! 484 00:19:30,957 --> 00:19:33,059 Visiting hours are over! Everybody out! 485 00:19:33,061 --> 00:19:34,310 No, no, no, wait! I can't leave. 486 00:19:34,312 --> 00:19:36,929 Damn! 487 00:19:36,931 --> 00:19:38,464 Oh, wait. There's my father. 488 00:19:38,466 --> 00:19:39,899 I can see him, he's just coming in. 489 00:19:39,901 --> 00:19:41,984 Oh, daddy. Daddy... Hi! 490 00:19:43,687 --> 00:19:45,855 Well, thank you very much, ladies. 491 00:19:45,857 --> 00:19:49,141 My man was barely in when I got pulled out. 492 00:19:49,143 --> 00:19:52,828 I would like to apologize to everyone 493 00:19:52,830 --> 00:19:55,481 for taking the bang out of the bus, 494 00:19:55,483 --> 00:19:57,366 but in my own defense, 495 00:19:57,368 --> 00:20:00,652 everyone here knows a little something about crazy guys. 496 00:20:00,654 --> 00:20:03,172 Sit yo ass back down! 497 00:20:03,174 --> 00:20:05,708 Max, sit down before you start another riot. 498 00:20:05,710 --> 00:20:07,326 I'm sorry. I blew it. 499 00:20:07,328 --> 00:20:09,128 I screwed up your chance to see your father. 500 00:20:09,130 --> 00:20:10,379 I screwed up your party. 501 00:20:10,381 --> 00:20:12,998 I even screwed up the easiest birthday thing to do, 502 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,350 like get a cake. 503 00:20:14,352 --> 00:20:16,168 I'm a terrible BFF. 504 00:20:16,170 --> 00:20:17,386 It's okay. 505 00:20:17,388 --> 00:20:19,138 Really, it's fine. 506 00:20:19,140 --> 00:20:20,506 With the year I'm having, 507 00:20:20,508 --> 00:20:21,807 it's not like you could've made everything better 508 00:20:21,809 --> 00:20:23,559 just by getting me a cake. 509 00:20:23,561 --> 00:20:27,413 Well, no. Not just any cake. 510 00:20:30,951 --> 00:20:32,851 Just as good as I remember it. 511 00:20:32,853 --> 00:20:35,538 Best 40 bucks we ever spent. 512 00:20:35,540 --> 00:20:37,740 And this birthday turned out to be all right. 513 00:20:37,742 --> 00:20:39,075 I did get what I wanted. 514 00:20:39,077 --> 00:20:40,159 I got see my father. 515 00:20:40,161 --> 00:20:43,028 It was only for a second, but I saw him. 516 00:20:43,030 --> 00:20:45,414 And he saw me. So thank you. 517 00:20:45,416 --> 00:20:48,634 Yeah, and I got to see Irish. 518 00:20:48,636 --> 00:20:51,203 Think he might be the one that got away. 519 00:20:51,205 --> 00:20:53,305 Well, the one that got put away. 520 00:20:53,307 --> 00:20:55,558 You know, you and I are better than BFFs. 521 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,259 We're BBFs. 522 00:20:57,261 --> 00:21:01,063 Bangbus friends. 523 00:21:01,183 --> 00:21:04,233 Sync and corrections by Gatto for www.addic7ed.com