1
00:00:02,779 --> 00:00:05,136
Look at all these customers
from the Brooklyn midnight ride.

2
00:00:05,297 --> 00:00:07,031
I smell diner success!

3
00:00:07,033 --> 00:00:11,819
Really? 'Cause I smell baked crotch.

4
00:00:11,821 --> 00:00:12,954
Can balls fart?

5
00:00:12,956 --> 00:00:16,758
Because I feel like I'm smelling that too.

6
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:18,192
Where is Oleg with my orders?

7
00:00:18,194 --> 00:00:19,911
If my tables don't get
food soon, they're gonna...

8
00:00:19,913 --> 00:00:21,996
Oh, my God, they're raising their arms.

9
00:00:21,998 --> 00:00:23,965
Ugh! Well, we know it wasn't a charity ride

10
00:00:23,967 --> 00:00:25,466
to raise money for deodorant.

11
00:00:25,468 --> 00:00:28,069
Oleg, where are my burgers?

12
00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:31,305
I'm a little in the weeds right now.

13
00:00:31,307 --> 00:00:33,708
You mean you smoked a
little weed right now?

14
00:00:33,710 --> 00:00:35,343
It's medicinal.

15
00:00:35,345 --> 00:00:38,279
Helps with my chronic erection.

16
00:00:38,281 --> 00:00:40,598
Can someone who's not in the grateful dead

17
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,317
tell me how we're gonna get food?

18
00:00:43,319 --> 00:00:45,436
Follow me.

19
00:00:45,438 --> 00:00:47,105
You do plates, buns, coleslaw.

20
00:00:47,107 --> 00:00:48,222
I'll do burgers, fries,

21
00:00:48,224 --> 00:00:51,325
and any guy who has no future.

22
00:00:51,327 --> 00:00:53,828
Can you imagine if we
were born inside shells,

23
00:00:53,830 --> 00:00:57,899
and then even bigger animals
cracked us open to eat?

24
00:00:57,901 --> 00:01:00,084
Fries on the plates!

25
00:01:00,086 --> 00:01:02,737
Is anybody writing this gold down?

26
00:01:05,425 --> 00:01:07,125
All right, Oleg. I want in.

27
00:01:07,127 --> 00:01:09,010
Where's the...

28
00:01:09,012 --> 00:01:10,678
or the...

29
00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:15,616
or the...

30
00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:20,972
Oh, my God, am I deaf?

31
00:01:20,974 --> 00:01:23,257
Wait, where is it?

32
00:01:23,259 --> 00:01:26,110
I put it somewhere.

33
00:01:32,534 --> 00:01:36,871
Ooh, a French fry.

34
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:45,134
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -

35
00:01:53,129 --> 00:01:54,413
Hey. I don't know where you guys are

36
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,131
in your bike training.
Are we doping or deserting?

37
00:01:56,133 --> 00:01:57,883
I can help you either way.

38
00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,101
We're thinking about dessert.

39
00:01:59,103 --> 00:02:01,770
Cool, how about a Max's Homemade Cupcake?

40
00:02:01,772 --> 00:02:03,188
Eh, I don't think so.

41
00:02:03,190 --> 00:02:04,256
How's that cherry pie?

42
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:06,275
Nice. The family of mice that lives in it

43
00:02:06,277 --> 00:02:09,895
just renewed their lease.

44
00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:12,031
So, a Max's Homemade Cupcake?

45
00:02:12,033 --> 00:02:14,099
You keep saying "Max's Homemade Cupcakes"

46
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:15,284
like it's a thing.

47
00:02:15,286 --> 00:02:16,352
I've never heard of it.

48
00:02:16,354 --> 00:02:18,770
I haven't either. And we know a lot.

49
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:24,710
And yet you put that
headband on this morning.

50
00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:26,545
- So who's Max?
- Yeah, who's Max?

51
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,113
Who's Max?

52
00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:33,385
She's Lance Armstrong's left nut.

53
00:02:36,506 --> 00:02:39,892
- What?
- Nothing.

54
00:02:41,978 --> 00:02:43,045
Caroline,

55
00:02:43,047 --> 00:02:45,814
you know I'm not one to gossip,

56
00:02:45,816 --> 00:02:47,299
but just about 30 seconds ago,

57
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,301
I saw Max drop some major attitude

58
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:51,803
and blow a chance with a
possible cupcake customer.

59
00:02:51,805 --> 00:02:53,439
That's your gossip?

60
00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:55,607
That Max has an attitude?

61
00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:58,477
What are you gonna tell me
next, that Elton John is gay?

62
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:01,080
Anyways, I'm just saying about Max,

63
00:03:01,082 --> 00:03:05,701
bitch needs to take it down a notch.

64
00:03:05,703 --> 00:03:10,923
Bitch needs to mind his own business.

65
00:03:10,925 --> 00:03:15,210
Max, did you blow a possible
cupcake customer tonight?

66
00:03:15,212 --> 00:03:20,883
You know I don't mix
business with pleasure.

67
00:03:20,885 --> 00:03:22,834
We have to keep pushing our cupcakes.

68
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,771
Every table, every time,
"Max's Homemade Cupcakes."

69
00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:26,855
I did.

70
00:03:26,857 --> 00:03:28,507
I said my name to that table more times

71
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,909
than my mother said it my entire life.

72
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,561
But you can't just say the name.

73
00:03:32,563 --> 00:03:34,012
You have to really sell it. 

74
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:35,447
You should see me out there.

75
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:37,282
"Hope you saved room
for one of our delicious

76
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:38,484
Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

77
00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:40,452
They're moist, delicious, creamy..."

78
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:41,820
Stop.

79
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:45,741
I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I am not a whore.

80
00:03:45,743 --> 00:03:47,493
Oh, you're a cupcake whore,

81
00:03:47,495 --> 00:03:51,029
and right now I'm your pimp, so...

82
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,214
How many did you sell tonight?

83
00:03:52,216 --> 00:03:54,917
Two. Don't hit me, daddy!

84
00:03:56,387 --> 00:03:58,687
Okay, how many did you sell tonight?

85
00:03:58,689 --> 00:04:01,706
I sold... two.

86
00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:04,493
Okay, we're bad whores.

87
00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:06,812
No, we are tired whores.

88
00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:08,097
It's not the end of the world.

89
00:04:08,099 --> 00:04:10,516
We're just letting a
few El caminos drive by

90
00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:14,353
because our wrists are sore.

91
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:15,487
I love you for that.

92
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:18,607
You just put everything into perspective.

93
00:04:18,609 --> 00:04:21,643
So I says to Caroline,
"it's so bad for business."

94
00:04:21,645 --> 00:04:23,979
And right now they're in the
kitchen having huge fight.

95
00:04:23,981 --> 00:04:29,151
I really worried that...

96
00:04:29,153 --> 00:04:32,838
Lady Chatterbox says your
business is in big trouble.

97
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:37,926
Please, everything seems big to Han.

98
00:04:37,928 --> 00:04:40,295
Ready to go, Sophie?

99
00:04:40,297 --> 00:04:42,464
And girls, sorry to hear
your business broke up

100
00:04:42,466 --> 00:04:46,135
and you aren't speaking.

101
00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:48,937
We scared him.

102
00:04:48,939 --> 00:04:52,141
Now he's gonna run under the stove.

103
00:04:52,143 --> 00:04:54,443
I'm gonna make some calls to help you.

104
00:04:54,445 --> 00:04:56,195
Get you some big party jobs.

105
00:04:56,197 --> 00:04:58,230
That's so nice of you, Sophie.

106
00:04:58,232 --> 00:04:59,565
We really appreciate it.

107
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,867
You girls can make some big money.

108
00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:05,904
As you know, Duza Day is coming up.

109
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:10,108
Um, no, I do not know.

110
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,827
What the hell is Duza Day?

111
00:05:11,829 --> 00:05:16,582
Oh, Duza Day is huge
holiday in Polish community.

112
00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:19,284
When a Polish girl reaches six feet,

113
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:22,337
you give her big party.

114
00:05:22,339 --> 00:05:26,558
I had mine when I was seven.

115
00:05:31,232 --> 00:05:32,414
Is this private giggling

116
00:05:32,416 --> 00:05:34,233
or can anyone join?

117
00:05:36,237 --> 00:05:38,937
- What are you watching?
- My favorite show.

118
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,522
Abby & Brittany, the show about those

119
00:05:40,524 --> 00:05:42,691
cute conjoined twins
with two heads, one torso?

120
00:05:42,693 --> 00:05:43,775
Already watched it.

121
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:46,195
They fought about a necklace. 

122
00:05:46,197 --> 00:05:48,146
Now I'm watching Cupcake Wars.

123
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:50,115
If our team wins Cupcake Wars,

124
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,533
we're gonna use the $10,000 prize

125
00:05:51,535 --> 00:05:53,818
to finally open up our own storefront.

126
00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:56,371
Wait, $10,000? What kind of show is this?

127
00:05:56,373 --> 00:05:58,090
I thought Google eliminated the need

128
00:05:58,092 --> 00:06:00,676
to ask questions out loud, but fine.

129
00:06:00,678 --> 00:06:01,877
It's a show on food network

130
00:06:01,879 --> 00:06:03,779
where teams make cupcakes
and compete for money.

131
00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:05,764
And why are we not on it?

132
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:08,267
Look at that dumb-dumb!

133
00:06:08,269 --> 00:06:10,168
She just dropped the pastry bag.

134
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:11,220
Hey, they're called hands,

135
00:06:11,222 --> 00:06:13,272
learn how to use them, dumb-dumb!

136
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,508
And that is why we're not on it.

137
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,727
Not everyone's as judgmental as you.

138
00:06:18,729 --> 00:06:20,812
Oh, everyone's as judgmental as me.

139
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,447
And I don't need some snarky bitch

140
00:06:22,449 --> 00:06:24,182
pointing at us on her TV going,

141
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:25,350
"oh, look at that blonde dumb-dumb

142
00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:27,786
and her hot friend trying to do something."

143
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:30,656
Max, why don't you ever let yourself dream?

144
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,040
Because in my dreams,

145
00:06:32,042 --> 00:06:34,409
spiders are always eating my eyes.

146
00:06:34,411 --> 00:06:36,278
This might be the big push we need.

147
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:37,880
We can go on Cupcake Wars,

148
00:06:37,882 --> 00:06:40,082
or we can keep being cupcake whores.

149
00:06:40,084 --> 00:06:41,250
Think about it.

150
00:06:41,252 --> 00:06:42,701
We wouldn't have to
go car-to-car anymore,

151
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:44,670
we could actually open a brothel.

152
00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:46,255
Wait, if brothel's on the table,

153
00:06:46,257 --> 00:06:48,257
why don't we just forget
about this cupcake thing?

154
00:06:48,259 --> 00:06:50,475
'Cause that's a job I can do without pants.

155
00:06:50,477 --> 00:06:52,210
Seriously. Let's at least go to

156
00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:53,328
the food network and apply.

157
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:54,813
That's not how it works.

158
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,148
You fill out an application online,

159
00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:57,382
submit a two-minute home video,

160
00:06:57,384 --> 00:06:59,501
and then wait eight to
ten days for a response.

161
00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:01,803
Huh, caught you dreaming.

162
00:07:01,805 --> 00:07:05,557
All right, so maybe I thought
about it for, like, a second,

163
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:06,758
when we first became a team.

164
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,777
But then I remembered
the world's a dead-end

165
00:07:08,779 --> 00:07:10,362
and nothing good happens ever to anyone.

166
00:07:10,364 --> 00:07:11,496
There's a gun in that drawer.

167
00:07:11,498 --> 00:07:13,749
Do you want to just kill ourselves?

168
00:07:13,751 --> 00:07:15,784
Oh, Max.

169
00:07:15,786 --> 00:07:18,453
You finally called us a team.

170
00:07:18,455 --> 00:07:20,122
We are so going on that show.

171
00:07:20,124 --> 00:07:22,874
Seriously, I don't know
how Abby and Brittany do it,

172
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:24,042
because I'm uncomfortable with you

173
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,911
even sitting this close to me.

174
00:07:33,321 --> 00:07:34,988
Well, if we're making an audition tape

175
00:07:34,990 --> 00:07:36,190
to be on a reality show called,

176
00:07:36,192 --> 00:07:37,975
"the world's most uncomfortable t-shirt,"

177
00:07:37,977 --> 00:07:39,893
we have already won.

178
00:07:39,895 --> 00:07:43,013
Yes, I could have gotten
us a more expensive shirt

179
00:07:43,015 --> 00:07:44,932
at American Apparel, but then we would

180
00:07:44,934 --> 00:07:47,067
just look like people
pretending to be poor.

181
00:07:47,069 --> 00:07:51,105
And 13, and probably in the sex trade.

182
00:07:51,107 --> 00:07:52,573
I cannot believe you used your flat iron

183
00:07:52,575 --> 00:07:53,991
to put these letters on.

184
00:07:53,993 --> 00:07:56,660
Well, I can't believe you
once used it to make a panini,

185
00:07:56,662 --> 00:07:59,747
but... that's what happens now.

186
00:07:59,749 --> 00:08:01,865
Where's the scissors?
I gotta give this thing

187
00:08:01,867 --> 00:08:04,568
- some flave.
- Max, what are you doing?

188
00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:08,455
Crew necks are for squares and mormons.

189
00:08:08,457 --> 00:08:12,142
Oh, cute! Should we do mine?

190
00:08:12,144 --> 00:08:13,594
I don't know.

191
00:08:13,596 --> 00:08:17,998
If you have no car, why open the garage?

192
00:08:20,469 --> 00:08:22,636
So, I thought we'd shoot it over here

193
00:08:22,638 --> 00:08:25,889
in our adorable, scrappy,
low-income kitchen.

194
00:08:25,891 --> 00:08:27,591
Why are you talking like that?

195
00:08:27,593 --> 00:08:29,393
Because that's our brand.

196
00:08:29,395 --> 00:08:30,978
I've watched a ton of Cupcake Wars,

197
00:08:30,980 --> 00:08:32,146
and it's a lot about branding.

198
00:08:32,148 --> 00:08:33,363
And what are we?

199
00:08:33,365 --> 00:08:34,732
The girl who knows how to make cupcakes

200
00:08:34,734 --> 00:08:36,817
and the girl who doesn't?

201
00:08:36,819 --> 00:08:38,602
Max, I'm not worried about that.

202
00:08:38,604 --> 00:08:40,437
You'll just tell me what
to do, like you always do,

203
00:08:40,439 --> 00:08:43,273
and we'll be the two
scrappy girls with so little

204
00:08:43,275 --> 00:08:44,658
you can't help but love them.

205
00:08:44,660 --> 00:08:46,910
I hate them already.

206
00:08:48,063 --> 00:08:49,496
Okay, that's Oleg.

207
00:08:49,498 --> 00:08:51,415
You did tell him he's
filming us for an audition

208
00:08:51,417 --> 00:08:52,900
and not making a porno, right?

209
00:08:52,902 --> 00:08:56,920
Yeah, I made it very clear.

210
00:08:56,922 --> 00:08:59,956
Why are your tops still on?

211
00:08:59,958 --> 00:09:01,508
And why isn't the plastic down?

212
00:09:01,510 --> 00:09:03,877
You're gonna get oil everywhere.

213
00:09:03,879 --> 00:09:06,730
Oleg, Max told you we're not
gonna make that kind of movie.

214
00:09:06,732 --> 00:09:09,132
I know, but so did every
girl that I worked with

215
00:09:09,134 --> 00:09:10,951
on "Backdoor Brides."

216
00:09:10,953 --> 00:09:13,570
And then again on "Backdoor Brides Two."

217
00:09:13,572 --> 00:09:17,691
But five minutes later, it
was "Here comes the bride."

218
00:09:17,693 --> 00:09:19,443
Oh, good.

219
00:09:19,445 --> 00:09:22,246
You still have your tops on.

220
00:09:22,248 --> 00:09:23,831
Yeah, they don't have to make

221
00:09:23,833 --> 00:09:25,649
girl-on-girl porn film for money.

222
00:09:25,651 --> 00:09:27,334
I got you big Duza Day party.

223
00:09:27,336 --> 00:09:29,169
300 cupcakes!

224
00:09:29,171 --> 00:09:31,505
Oh, my God! That's $1,200.

225
00:09:31,507 --> 00:09:34,591
No, it's for free.

226
00:09:34,593 --> 00:09:36,176
You do it for connections,

227
00:09:36,178 --> 00:09:39,012
and for the hot and cold pierogi buffet.

228
00:09:39,014 --> 00:09:40,547
Oh, Sophie, I don't know
if we should be taking

229
00:09:40,549 --> 00:09:41,799
free work right now.

230
00:09:41,801 --> 00:09:43,183
We're doing this TV
thing, and if we get it,

231
00:09:43,185 --> 00:09:44,968
we don't know what our schedule will be.

232
00:09:44,970 --> 00:09:50,257
Oh, I didn't know I was
talking to Cagney and Lacey.

233
00:09:50,259 --> 00:09:53,060
Yeah, well, suit yourself.

234
00:09:53,062 --> 00:09:54,561
We're sorry, Sophie.

235
00:09:54,563 --> 00:09:57,097
You have every right to be mad.

236
00:09:57,099 --> 00:09:59,316
Would a cupcake help?

237
00:09:59,318 --> 00:10:01,535
Always.

238
00:10:01,537 --> 00:10:05,322
Well, I just texted the
third girl not to come,

239
00:10:05,324 --> 00:10:08,642
so let's get this over with.

240
00:10:08,644 --> 00:10:10,711
This is so exciting. We're gonna be great.

241
00:10:10,713 --> 00:10:12,846
- We got this, girl.
- Okay, stop.

242
00:10:12,848 --> 00:10:15,415
On every reality show,
people say lame things

243
00:10:15,417 --> 00:10:16,633
that we can never say.

244
00:10:16,635 --> 00:10:18,635
No fist bumping. No high fives.

245
00:10:18,637 --> 00:10:21,037
You can't tell me to
"bring it," "shut it down,"

246
00:10:21,039 --> 00:10:23,006
or "put our cupcake business on the map."

247
00:10:23,008 --> 00:10:25,709
You can't tell me to "go,
girl"" or "bring my 'a' game,"

248
00:10:25,711 --> 00:10:27,477
and we don't "got this." Cool?

249
00:10:27,479 --> 00:10:28,595
Cool.

250
00:10:28,597 --> 00:10:32,850
- But we do got this, right?
- Yeah, we got this.

251
00:10:32,852 --> 00:10:34,585
Okay, here we go, girls.

252
00:10:34,587 --> 00:10:39,189
Arch your backs. Sorry, force of habit.

253
00:10:39,191 --> 00:10:40,274
Action.

254
00:10:40,276 --> 00:10:41,942
Hey, what's up? I'm Max,

255
00:10:41,944 --> 00:10:43,660
and this is my partner, Caroline.

256
00:10:43,662 --> 00:10:45,696
And we're Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

257
00:10:45,698 --> 00:10:50,234
And by homemade, I mean, "Ho!-Made."

258
00:10:50,236 --> 00:10:52,870
You go, girl!

259
00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:59,009
- We are an online bakery...
- Well, we have a website.

260
00:10:59,011 --> 00:11:01,545
And we're based right here
in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

261
00:11:01,547 --> 00:11:03,630
And this is where the magic happens.

262
00:11:03,632 --> 00:11:06,383
This is our kitchen-slash-
living room-slash-my bedroom...

263
00:11:06,385 --> 00:11:08,585
Slash my wrists, 'cause
I'm trying to bake all night

264
00:11:08,587 --> 00:11:11,038
while she's sleeping over there.

265
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:13,223
And here is our purple stove.

266
00:11:13,225 --> 00:11:14,424
Just because you're poor,

267
00:11:14,426 --> 00:11:16,393
that doesn't mean you can't have style.

268
00:11:16,395 --> 00:11:18,862
Or a horse that just came in unannounced.

269
00:11:18,864 --> 00:11:20,647
Oh, this is Chestnut.

270
00:11:20,649 --> 00:11:22,149
He's our test audience.

271
00:11:22,151 --> 00:11:23,450
But we don't feed him chocolate.

272
00:11:23,452 --> 00:11:25,118
'Cause that would kill him.

273
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:28,956
They have a horse!

274
00:11:28,958 --> 00:11:33,493
So pick us because we're hard
workers, we love the show,

275
00:11:33,495 --> 00:11:37,080
and we're females getting
their own, on their own.

276
00:11:37,082 --> 00:11:39,132
And cut! That was so great.

277
00:11:39,134 --> 00:11:41,117
Chestnut walking in out of nowhere,

278
00:11:41,119 --> 00:11:42,753
we could not have planned that.

279
00:11:42,755 --> 00:11:43,971
Oh, but I did.

280
00:11:43,973 --> 00:11:45,672
That's our gimmick. Try to beat that.

281
00:11:45,674 --> 00:11:47,057
Two girls with a horse.

282
00:11:47,059 --> 00:11:51,311
And how is this not a porn film?

283
00:11:53,915 --> 00:11:55,632
♪ I knew it, we got it ♪

284
00:11:55,634 --> 00:11:57,734
♪ I knew it, I saw it! ♪

285
00:11:57,736 --> 00:11:59,803
Is this how you imagined
it when you were laughing

286
00:11:59,805 --> 00:12:01,688
at all the dumb-dumbs on cupcake wars?

287
00:12:01,690 --> 00:12:03,991
I cannot believe I am auditioning

288
00:12:03,993 --> 00:12:05,141
to be on Cupcake Wars.

289
00:12:05,143 --> 00:12:06,944
I am on the show I watch!

290
00:12:06,946 --> 00:12:08,328
Life is totally awesome.

291
00:12:08,330 --> 00:12:10,914
Good morning. I'm the Cupcake Wars

292
00:12:10,916 --> 00:12:12,816
talent coordinating producer, Janis.

293
00:12:12,818 --> 00:12:15,652
You are awesome. Your show's awesome.

294
00:12:15,654 --> 00:12:18,088
Who would I talk to about
getting a mug to take home?

295
00:12:18,090 --> 00:12:20,657
Not a gift shop.

296
00:12:20,659 --> 00:12:23,293
Janis, hi, I'm Caroline,
and this is my partner, Max.

297
00:12:23,295 --> 00:12:25,228
Loved your tape. Great characters.

298
00:12:25,230 --> 00:12:26,630
- We are?
- We are.

299
00:12:26,632 --> 00:12:28,432
Look, we're about to
start with the team intros.

300
00:12:28,434 --> 00:12:30,333
The other team is up first and then you.

301
00:12:30,335 --> 00:12:31,952
And remember to B.Y.O.B.

302
00:12:31,954 --> 00:12:33,937
Oh, if I had known I was
allowed to bring a bottle in,

303
00:12:33,939 --> 00:12:35,188
I wouldn't have chugged it in the bathroom.

304
00:12:35,190 --> 00:12:37,307
Max, that's not what she meant.

305
00:12:37,309 --> 00:12:39,276
The food network is very pg.

306
00:12:39,278 --> 00:12:40,444
Janis, B.Y.O.B.?

307
00:12:40,446 --> 00:12:41,728
"Bring your own brand."

308
00:12:41,730 --> 00:12:43,113
Just like you did on your home tape.

309
00:12:43,115 --> 00:12:45,816
You're edgy with big boobs.
You're the "try hard."

310
00:12:45,818 --> 00:12:47,184
I'm sorry, I'm the what?

311
00:12:47,186 --> 00:12:48,735
That's your brand.

312
00:12:48,737 --> 00:12:49,953
The muscle and the hustle.

313
00:12:49,955 --> 00:12:54,241
The double-d's and the ditz.

314
00:12:54,243 --> 00:12:56,543
I went to wharton. I'm not a ditz.

315
00:12:56,545 --> 00:12:59,362
Well you ain't the double-d's.

316
00:12:59,364 --> 00:13:03,467
Can you believe she openly
commented on m'goods?

317
00:13:03,469 --> 00:13:05,052
All right, we're ready for team one.

318
00:13:05,054 --> 00:13:07,554
Step up.

319
00:13:07,556 --> 00:13:09,723
You have 30 seconds.

320
00:13:09,725 --> 00:13:12,542
Okay, cute aprons. But what's their brand?

321
00:13:12,544 --> 00:13:15,012
In five, four, three, two...

322
00:13:15,014 --> 00:13:17,213
- Hi, I'm Felicia.
- And I'm Blanche,

323
00:13:17,215 --> 00:13:19,549
and we're representing the Crescent City.

324
00:13:19,551 --> 00:13:22,486
We're talking about New Orleans, y'all!

325
00:13:22,488 --> 00:13:25,522
Cute accents, but no one has
a scrappier story than us.

326
00:13:25,524 --> 00:13:28,725
Back in 2005, when hurricane Katrina hit...

327
00:13:28,727 --> 00:13:30,494
Say what?

328
00:13:30,496 --> 00:13:33,163
And the levee broke and
flooded our whole neighborhood.

329
00:13:33,165 --> 00:13:34,281
Say what?

330
00:13:34,283 --> 00:13:36,900
Our community was
devastated, and we thought,

331
00:13:36,902 --> 00:13:38,952
"hell yes, Katrina hit us hard."

332
00:13:38,954 --> 00:13:41,254
"But hell no! We're not giving up."

333
00:13:41,256 --> 00:13:44,458
We needed to find a way
to keep on keepin' on.

334
00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:48,178
Katrina? Their brand is Katrina?

335
00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:50,914
Even m'goods can't upstage that.

336
00:13:50,916 --> 00:13:53,066
We want to win Cupcake Wars

337
00:13:53,068 --> 00:13:55,302
so we can finally open a storefront

338
00:13:55,304 --> 00:13:56,586
in our little neighborhood.

339
00:13:56,588 --> 00:13:58,088
Make our business official.

340
00:13:58,090 --> 00:14:01,024
Yeah, and find a way to put
money back into our community.

341
00:14:01,026 --> 00:14:02,609
That's what we're all about at...

342
00:14:02,611 --> 00:14:04,544
Neighbor Cakes!

343
00:14:04,546 --> 00:14:06,963
Boom! 

344
00:14:06,965 --> 00:14:08,065
Great, great.

345
00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:09,783
Max's Homemade Cupcakes, you're up.

346
00:14:09,785 --> 00:14:11,985
Why did we name the company after me?

347
00:14:11,987 --> 00:14:13,019
"Neighbor Cakes" versus

348
00:14:13,021 --> 00:14:15,939
"Max's narcissistic cupcakes"?

349
00:14:15,941 --> 00:14:17,991
We're fine. Don't freak out.

350
00:14:17,993 --> 00:14:19,609
Just do our thing, like we did at home.

351
00:14:19,611 --> 00:14:20,811
No need to panic.

352
00:14:20,813 --> 00:14:25,348
In five, four, three, two...

353
00:14:25,350 --> 00:14:26,466
Yo, what's up?

354
00:14:26,468 --> 00:14:28,218
I'm Max, of Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

355
00:14:28,220 --> 00:14:30,420
They're "Ho-made." Ha! Get it?

356
00:14:30,422 --> 00:14:33,373
'Cause she's a ho!

357
00:14:33,375 --> 00:14:34,741
She's got the boobs,

358
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:36,843
and I've got the brains, right, Max?

359
00:14:36,845 --> 00:14:39,062
Uh, kind of.

360
00:14:39,064 --> 00:14:41,181
We bake at home in our
apartment, which is...

361
00:14:41,183 --> 00:14:44,101
Is a disaster area. Really, it's a mess.

362
00:14:44,103 --> 00:14:45,485
And we don't have our rent.

363
00:14:45,487 --> 00:14:48,622
The rent is high. * not gonna lie *

364
00:14:48,624 --> 00:14:51,358
♪ we hung out to dry,
neither has a guy ♪

365
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:55,445
Yo, what up, Cupcake Wars? Right, Max?

366
00:14:56,582 --> 00:14:57,697
I don't even know what's happening.

367
00:14:57,699 --> 00:15:00,634
We bake because I lost all my money

368
00:15:00,636 --> 00:15:03,537
and her mom drinks.

369
00:15:03,539 --> 00:15:09,042
Oh, I'm Caroline... and, cut.

370
00:15:09,044 --> 00:15:13,430
Okay. Well, okay.

371
00:15:13,432 --> 00:15:15,632
Did I just freestyle rap?

372
00:15:15,634 --> 00:15:17,767
Yes.

373
00:15:17,769 --> 00:15:19,936
And you also called
our apartment a disaster

374
00:15:19,938 --> 00:15:23,523
in front of two ladies
whose apartments washed away.

375
00:15:23,525 --> 00:15:26,810
Hi. Everything okay over here?

376
00:15:26,812 --> 00:15:28,728
Yep. Ditz and double-d's, on track.

377
00:15:28,730 --> 00:15:29,946
B.Y.O.B.

378
00:15:29,948 --> 00:15:31,364
Great. Can we all gather

379
00:15:31,366 --> 00:15:33,783
to reveal the secret ingredients?

380
00:15:33,785 --> 00:15:35,569
- What's it gonna be?
- It could be anything.

381
00:15:35,571 --> 00:15:38,321
I once saw a St. Patrick's
day theme where a team made

382
00:15:38,323 --> 00:15:39,706
a beer and lucky charms cupcake.

383
00:15:39,708 --> 00:15:41,541
That's right up your
alley. I hope it's that.

384
00:15:41,543 --> 00:15:42,742
Today's theme is...

385
00:15:42,744 --> 00:15:45,729
- Soul food.
- Whoo!

386
00:15:45,731 --> 00:15:46,796
Ooh, we got this, sister!

387
00:15:46,798 --> 00:15:50,167
- Sister, this is gotten.
- Whoo-hoo!

388
00:15:50,169 --> 00:15:51,418
Some of the ingredients include

389
00:15:51,420 --> 00:15:54,871
okra, molasses, collard
Greens, sweet potato,

390
00:15:54,873 --> 00:15:57,290
buttermilk, chicken, and ham hock.

391
00:15:57,292 --> 00:15:58,425
Ham hock?

392
00:15:58,427 --> 00:16:01,461
Isn't that a character in The Hobbit?

393
00:16:01,463 --> 00:16:04,097
In three, two...

394
00:16:04,099 --> 00:16:06,066
Here we go, girl!

395
00:16:06,068 --> 00:16:08,935
Sister, we are screwed.

396
00:16:15,411 --> 00:16:16,545
We can do our sweet potato mash cupcake.

397
00:16:16,547 --> 00:16:19,147
Ooh, with peanut molasses drizzle.

398
00:16:19,149 --> 00:16:21,783
Gumbo cupcake! Gumbo cupcake!

399
00:16:21,785 --> 00:16:23,919
What are we gonna do?

400
00:16:23,921 --> 00:16:25,253
I don't know.

401
00:16:25,255 --> 00:16:28,040
- What are you looking at?
- The camera.

402
00:16:28,042 --> 00:16:30,342
♪ New Orleans, New Orleans ♪

403
00:16:30,344 --> 00:16:32,761
♪ we got this, gumbo cupcakes ♪

404
00:16:32,763 --> 00:16:34,429
Good luck, Caroline.

405
00:16:34,431 --> 00:16:36,048
Stop it, Max. What's wrong with you?

406
00:16:36,050 --> 00:16:38,800
- It's happening. We're the dumb
- dumbs!

407
00:16:38,802 --> 00:16:40,519
We are not the dumb-dumbs.

408
00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:43,071
I went to Wharton.

409
00:16:43,073 --> 00:16:45,040
All we have to do is
pick three ingredients.

410
00:16:45,042 --> 00:16:47,859
And we're ready to pop them in the oven!

411
00:16:47,861 --> 00:16:50,262
How can they already be going in the oven?

412
00:16:50,264 --> 00:16:52,430
- Oh, that gives me an idea!
- What?

413
00:16:52,432 --> 00:16:54,399
Put me in the oven!

414
00:16:54,401 --> 00:16:55,784
Okay, okay. We just have to start.

415
00:16:55,786 --> 00:16:56,868
It'll come to us.

416
00:16:56,870 --> 00:16:58,453
Bring it all. Ugh.

417
00:16:58,455 --> 00:16:59,988
Just my luck to get soul food

418
00:16:59,990 --> 00:17:01,623
when I don't even have a soul.

419
00:17:01,625 --> 00:17:03,742
♪ New Orleans, New Orleans ♪

420
00:17:03,744 --> 00:17:05,777
♪ we got this, gumbo cupcakes ♪

421
00:17:05,779 --> 00:17:08,380
That is not catching on!

422
00:17:08,382 --> 00:17:10,165
So, what are you thinking, Max?

423
00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:12,334
♪ New Orleans, New Orleans ♪

424
00:17:12,336 --> 00:17:13,969
I was wrong, it is catching on.

425
00:17:13,971 --> 00:17:15,220
Stop thinking that.

426
00:17:15,222 --> 00:17:16,605
Start thinking about the ingredients,

427
00:17:16,607 --> 00:17:17,756
while I do the baking.

428
00:17:17,758 --> 00:17:18,890
I've seen you do it a million times.

429
00:17:18,892 --> 00:17:20,092
We just need milk, right, Max?

430
00:17:20,094 --> 00:17:23,311
We got this. * gumbo cupcakes *

431
00:17:23,313 --> 00:17:24,479
Here's the milk.

432
00:17:24,481 --> 00:17:28,299
So, I'll just pour this
milk into this mixer.

433
00:17:28,301 --> 00:17:30,635
It looks like I'm baking, right, Max?

434
00:17:30,637 --> 00:17:31,987
Whoa! Watch what you're doing!

435
00:17:31,989 --> 00:17:33,555
It's flooding! It's flooding!

436
00:17:33,557 --> 00:17:35,306
Oh, great, you said "flooding."

437
00:17:35,308 --> 00:17:37,259
What's next, "FEMA?" "Superdome?"

438
00:17:37,261 --> 00:17:38,443
This is a disaster.

439
00:17:38,445 --> 00:17:40,412
We are the worst team ever.

440
00:17:40,414 --> 00:17:42,447
We are not. What are you doing?

441
00:17:42,449 --> 00:17:44,416
Putting shrimp in my pocket to take home.

442
00:17:44,418 --> 00:17:45,667
We gotta get something out of this.

443
00:17:45,669 --> 00:17:47,753
Just start tasting this stuff

444
00:17:47,755 --> 00:17:51,039
so we can figure out what we're making.

445
00:17:51,041 --> 00:17:53,425
That tastes like a foot!

446
00:17:53,427 --> 00:17:56,044
And now I'm using some flour.

447
00:17:56,046 --> 00:17:57,879
We use flour when we bake.

448
00:17:57,881 --> 00:18:00,048
Right, Max?

449
00:18:00,050 --> 00:18:01,266
Oh, that is hot.

450
00:18:01,268 --> 00:18:03,218
Ooh, that's too hot.

451
00:18:03,220 --> 00:18:05,837
That is hot as the devil's ass!

452
00:18:05,839 --> 00:18:08,690
Oh, my mouth is on fire.
Where's that foot thing?

453
00:18:08,692 --> 00:18:10,675
Ahh, oh, ahh.

454
00:18:10,677 --> 00:18:13,344
Move over, I'll help you. What is this?

455
00:18:13,346 --> 00:18:14,479
It's vanilla.

456
00:18:14,481 --> 00:18:16,114
It's sweet, Max! It's sweet.

457
00:18:16,116 --> 00:18:17,933
Now we just have to pick something else.

458
00:18:17,935 --> 00:18:19,835
There, ham.

459
00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:21,119
We're making a vanilla ham cupcake.

460
00:18:21,121 --> 00:18:23,238
That's it! Vanilla ham!

461
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:24,706
You're a vanilla ham!

462
00:18:24,708 --> 00:18:26,708
Good, insult me!

463
00:18:26,710 --> 00:18:28,627
Yes, you're coming out
of it, Max, here we go.

464
00:18:28,629 --> 00:18:29,861
We're not going anywhere.

465
00:18:29,863 --> 00:18:31,296
I'm on my show and I'm losing.

466
00:18:31,298 --> 00:18:33,698
Forget we're on the show.

467
00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:36,168
Pretend we're in the
diner, and Oleg is stoned,

468
00:18:36,170 --> 00:18:37,502
and we have all these ingredients

469
00:18:37,504 --> 00:18:38,720
and we just got slammed with people

470
00:18:38,722 --> 00:18:40,839
who all want cupcakes.
What do you tell me to do?

471
00:18:40,841 --> 00:18:42,007
Well, first, I tell you to leave

472
00:18:42,009 --> 00:18:45,543
so I can get stoned with Oleg.

473
00:18:45,545 --> 00:18:47,128
Okay, if I was stoned,

474
00:18:47,130 --> 00:18:49,764
what would I know about soul food?

475
00:18:49,766 --> 00:18:51,233
Ludacris!

476
00:18:51,235 --> 00:18:52,383
Is always talking about

477
00:18:52,385 --> 00:18:54,653
how much he loves waffles with chicken.

478
00:18:54,655 --> 00:18:55,887
Chicken and waffle cupcake!

479
00:18:55,889 --> 00:18:57,489
Yes! Chicken and waffles!

480
00:18:57,491 --> 00:18:58,690
You better watch it, girls.

481
00:18:58,692 --> 00:18:59,908
Here comes chicken and waffles

482
00:18:59,910 --> 00:19:01,776
from big boobs and try hard.

483
00:19:01,778 --> 00:19:03,028
As Ludacris would say,

484
00:19:03,030 --> 00:19:05,697
move, bitch, get out the way.

485
00:19:05,699 --> 00:19:07,082
Let's go, girl. We gotta bring it.

486
00:19:07,084 --> 00:19:09,868
We gotta shut this down. We
are bringing our "a" game.

487
00:19:09,870 --> 00:19:11,569
It's time to put our
cupcake business on the map.

488
00:19:11,571 --> 00:19:13,088
We got this. Oh, my God.

489
00:19:13,090 --> 00:19:16,374
I said them all. 

490
00:19:16,376 --> 00:19:18,877
Empty the mixer. We still have time.

491
00:19:20,047 --> 00:19:23,965
Oh!

492
00:19:25,936 --> 00:19:29,387
Look at the blonde dumb-dumb.

493
00:19:33,276 --> 00:19:37,195
Congratulations, Max!

494
00:19:37,197 --> 00:19:39,030
Sophie, we didn't get it.

495
00:19:39,032 --> 00:19:42,868
Oh, congratulations, Caroline!

496
00:19:42,870 --> 00:19:44,786
Sophie, I told you, we didn't get picked.

497
00:19:44,788 --> 00:19:46,121
What am I supposed to do,

498
00:19:46,123 --> 00:19:48,490
walk around with a purse full of confetti?

499
00:19:48,492 --> 00:19:50,625
I'm so sorry, ladies.

500
00:19:50,627 --> 00:19:51,910
But you know what they say,

501
00:19:51,912 --> 00:19:55,247
when God closes a door, you work here.

502
00:19:55,249 --> 00:19:56,915
It just wasn't our day.

503
00:19:56,917 --> 00:19:58,250
We got flustered at first,

504
00:19:58,252 --> 00:20:00,001
but we did end up making a great cupcake.

505
00:20:00,003 --> 00:20:01,086
Oh, say it.

506
00:20:01,088 --> 00:20:03,788
We got hit by hurricane Katrina.

507
00:20:03,790 --> 00:20:04,923
True. Hard to believe,

508
00:20:04,925 --> 00:20:06,474
but the other team had a better brand.

509
00:20:06,476 --> 00:20:08,343
Oh, please.

510
00:20:08,345 --> 00:20:11,796
Blaming it on a disaster from years ago.

511
00:20:11,798 --> 00:20:13,598
Well, Sophie, you weren't
there, so I don't think you...

512
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:17,419
Oh, I don't want to hear it!

513
00:20:17,421 --> 00:20:21,323
I mean, you had huge
opportunity with Duza Day.

514
00:20:21,325 --> 00:20:23,074
But you passed on the real job

515
00:20:23,076 --> 00:20:25,994
waiting for your big break on the TV show,

516
00:20:25,996 --> 00:20:29,831
just like everyone else in America.

517
00:20:29,833 --> 00:20:31,700
So you tried to take a shortcut to success

518
00:20:31,702 --> 00:20:35,987
and you end up with a
mouth full of confetti.

519
00:20:36,772 --> 00:20:38,073
Sophie's right.

520
00:20:38,075 --> 00:20:40,442
We went on television with
the ridiculous expectation

521
00:20:40,444 --> 00:20:42,127
that we'd make it overnight.

522
00:20:42,129 --> 00:20:43,261
But that's not who we are.

523
00:20:43,263 --> 00:20:44,879
We're gonna have to do it the hard way.

524
00:20:44,881 --> 00:20:49,134
Slow and steady. The
tortoise and the whore.

525
00:20:50,836 --> 00:20:52,503
Well, what can I say, "caramel?"

526
00:20:52,505 --> 00:20:56,191
By the way, that's your whore name.

527
00:20:56,193 --> 00:21:00,345
Looks like it's back to
selling cakes one car at a time.

528
00:21:00,347 --> 00:21:03,448
I'll just put these "Ludacris
Specials" in the display case.

529
00:21:03,450 --> 00:21:05,450
You do that, "Cinnamon."

530
00:21:05,452 --> 00:21:07,786
Oh, no, I actually have a whore name,

531
00:21:07,788 --> 00:21:11,122
and that's not it.

532
00:21:11,124 --> 00:21:12,240
What is it?

533
00:21:12,242 --> 00:21:16,861
Max. Duh.

534
00:21:17,483 --> 00:21:21,483
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