1
00:00:06,152 --> 00:00:07,953
Uhm... what's happening right now?
2
00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:10,555
Max, are you smoking crack?
3
00:00:10,742 --> 00:00:13,855
It's not crack. It's lipstick.
I can't afford crack.
4
00:00:15,002 --> 00:00:16,753
I'm at the end of my good
lipstick and I can't afford
5
00:00:16,755 --> 00:00:19,389
to buy a new one
so I'm going all Breaking Bad.
6
00:00:19,391 --> 00:00:20,840
"Breaking Bad"?
7
00:00:20,842 --> 00:00:22,759
We're more like broke and sad.
8
00:00:22,761 --> 00:00:25,395
You're freebasing
lipstick and look,
9
00:00:25,397 --> 00:00:27,547
this heel is starting to wobble.
10
00:00:27,549 --> 00:00:30,066
Here, stick this in
and hold it.
11
00:00:30,068 --> 00:00:31,518
I swear I've said that before,
12
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,137
but I don't think
it was about shoes.
13
00:00:35,172 --> 00:00:37,223
Yo, dollface.
It's been ten minutes!
14
00:00:37,225 --> 00:00:40,393
His chowder, my spaghetti.
Where's the food?
15
00:00:40,395 --> 00:00:41,544
"Where's the food"?
16
00:00:41,546 --> 00:00:44,230
Where's your neck?
17
00:00:44,232 --> 00:00:47,734
I wasn't listening.
I was looking at your boobs.
18
00:00:47,736 --> 00:00:49,252
Well, I do what I can
but they'll never be
19
00:00:49,254 --> 00:00:51,788
as big as yours.
20
00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:53,573
Pick up.
Meatball.
21
00:00:54,075 --> 00:00:57,544
Hey, hot stuff.
Where's the hot stuff?
22
00:00:57,546 --> 00:00:58,828
Oh, Max.
You were right.
23
00:00:58,830 --> 00:01:00,296
This heel is
much more--no.
24
00:01:00,298 --> 00:01:01,431
No, wait!
No, it's not.
25
00:01:01,433 --> 00:01:02,849
It's gonna--
26
00:01:04,552 --> 00:01:06,553
Those are the biggest balls
those guys have had
27
00:01:06,555 --> 00:01:09,272
in their laps since
they started steroids.
28
00:01:17,692 --> 00:01:23,292
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
29
00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:29,945
I can't believe you masking
taped the shoe to your leg.
30
00:01:30,547 --> 00:01:33,465
I know but these are
Christian Louboutins and
31
00:01:33,467 --> 00:01:35,416
even all busted up like
this they still have
32
00:01:35,418 --> 00:01:37,469
the classic red bottoms.
33
00:01:37,471 --> 00:01:38,854
You know what else
has red bottoms?
34
00:01:38,856 --> 00:01:40,021
Baboons.
35
00:01:40,023 --> 00:01:41,857
Walk around with a couple
of them on your feet
36
00:01:41,859 --> 00:01:44,559
and I'm impressed.
37
00:01:44,561 --> 00:01:46,244
Well, at least now you can't
see those stupid bows.
38
00:01:46,246 --> 00:01:48,647
Who put bows on their shoes?
What's the gift?
39
00:01:48,649 --> 00:01:50,448
Your stinky feet?
40
00:01:50,450 --> 00:01:52,033
You don't think
I hate the bows?
41
00:01:52,035 --> 00:01:54,269
I bought these as an impulse
purchase over a year ago.
42
00:01:54,271 --> 00:01:55,937
I didn't know I'd be shackled
with them for eternity.
43
00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:06,331
Oh, Caroline.
44
00:02:06,333 --> 00:02:09,050
I never noticed
you had a club foot.
45
00:02:09,052 --> 00:02:12,721
I would have set you up
with my brother.
46
00:02:12,723 --> 00:02:14,839
I broke my shoe in the diner.
47
00:02:14,841 --> 00:02:15,924
Oh, I can help.
48
00:02:15,926 --> 00:02:19,644
I always carry
my gym shoes in my bag.
49
00:02:19,646 --> 00:02:21,313
I'm sorry they're
so conservative
50
00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:23,965
but the weight room
is a real meat rack.
51
00:02:23,967 --> 00:02:25,483
Sophie, that's
so sweet of you.
52
00:02:25,485 --> 00:02:28,136
But I still have one pair
of my own shoes to wear.
53
00:02:28,138 --> 00:02:29,905
Oh, well take
them just in case.
54
00:02:29,907 --> 00:02:31,022
You should take them.
55
00:02:31,024 --> 00:02:33,608
You'll make $20
just walking to work.
56
00:02:33,610 --> 00:02:36,111
And some of your mail
got mixed in with mine.
57
00:02:36,113 --> 00:02:38,146
This is like the third time
that mail lady did that.
58
00:02:38,148 --> 00:02:41,232
All right.
Nighty night.
59
00:02:42,902 --> 00:02:45,937
Max, you will not believe
what just came addressed to you.
60
00:02:45,939 --> 00:02:47,956
Let me explain.
I'm not a scientologist.
61
00:02:47,958 --> 00:02:49,591
I just went that one time
because I heard
62
00:02:49,593 --> 00:02:51,676
some rich guy was
looking for a wife.
63
00:02:51,678 --> 00:02:54,879
No, we've been pre-approved
for a credit card.
64
00:02:54,881 --> 00:02:55,931
What?
65
00:02:55,933 --> 00:02:57,265
How the hell did
we get pre-approved?
66
00:02:57,267 --> 00:02:59,467
It says all we have to do
is go online and apply
67
00:02:59,469 --> 00:03:03,088
and we can be approved
in under two minutes.
68
00:03:03,090 --> 00:03:06,558
Slow down, Quasimodo.
I can't have a credit card.
69
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,843
Someone gave me a bag of
Chips Ahoy! cookies once
70
00:03:08,845 --> 00:03:11,229
and I ate the entire thing
without breathing.
71
00:03:11,231 --> 00:03:12,480
Well, you're not
a child any more.
72
00:03:12,482 --> 00:03:14,149
You have more discipline.
73
00:03:14,151 --> 00:03:17,569
The cookies were yesterday.
74
00:03:17,571 --> 00:03:20,071
Okay, what is that thing?
What is that spinning wheel?
75
00:03:20,073 --> 00:03:22,073
It's just processing
our application.
76
00:03:22,075 --> 00:03:23,241
No, it's not.
77
00:03:23,243 --> 00:03:24,909
It's finding out
everything about us.
78
00:03:24,911 --> 00:03:27,629
Now it's finding out your dad
stole millions of dollars.
79
00:03:27,631 --> 00:03:30,582
Now it's finding out I got fired
from eight Dairy Queens.
80
00:03:30,584 --> 00:03:34,636
Now it's finding out why I got
fired from eight Dairy Queens.
81
00:03:34,638 --> 00:03:36,388
Oh, my God.
Max, we're approved.
82
00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:37,839
We've just been approved.
83
00:03:37,841 --> 00:03:41,593
What? What is wrong with them?
Does Dairy Queen report nothing?
84
00:03:41,595 --> 00:03:43,711
Get back on there
and disapprove us.
85
00:03:43,713 --> 00:03:45,213
Okay.
Calm down.
86
00:03:45,215 --> 00:03:46,998
We need this card
for our business.
87
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,850
All we have to do is
communicate with each other
88
00:03:48,852 --> 00:03:50,018
about every purchase,
you know?
89
00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:51,770
Keep an open dialogue.
90
00:03:51,772 --> 00:03:55,223
So, opening dialogue.
For our business,
91
00:03:55,225 --> 00:03:57,075
I would like
a pair of Louboutins.
92
00:03:57,077 --> 00:03:59,894
Opening dialogue.
No.
93
00:03:59,896 --> 00:04:03,248
And I felt stupid miming that.
I hate the arts.
94
00:04:03,250 --> 00:04:06,034
Look, you can't get
everything you want.
95
00:04:06,036 --> 00:04:08,119
I would like a box of lizards.
96
00:04:08,121 --> 00:04:10,038
Love lizards, always have,
97
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,090
but you don't see me
putting that on a credit card.
98
00:04:12,092 --> 00:04:14,409
I need a new pair of shoes
for business meetings.
99
00:04:14,411 --> 00:04:15,627
You know what they say,
100
00:04:15,629 --> 00:04:18,013
"dress for the job you want,
not the job you have".
101
00:04:18,015 --> 00:04:19,747
Okay, fine.
102
00:04:19,749 --> 00:04:21,800
If you're getting the shoes,
then I'm getting what I want.
103
00:04:21,802 --> 00:04:23,418
I hope you're happy
with an apartment
104
00:04:23,420 --> 00:04:25,136
full of lizards and lipstick.
105
00:04:25,138 --> 00:04:29,090
Also, some of those lizards
will be wearing lipstick.
106
00:04:32,311 --> 00:04:34,979
Earl, you are looking
particularly gorgeous
107
00:04:34,981 --> 00:04:36,281
this evening.
108
00:04:36,283 --> 00:04:38,233
Well, I would say,
"don't flatter me"
109
00:04:38,235 --> 00:04:39,734
but let's face it.
110
00:04:39,736 --> 00:04:42,320
Everything came
together tonight.
111
00:04:42,322 --> 00:04:45,073
Is it another woman?
Should I be filled with anger?
112
00:04:45,075 --> 00:04:47,208
I mean,
more than I usually am?
113
00:04:47,210 --> 00:04:50,095
I just want to look nice
for my son when he comes in.
114
00:04:50,097 --> 00:04:52,664
What? No way,
I'm going to meet your kid?
115
00:04:52,666 --> 00:04:55,283
Well, one of them.
116
00:04:55,285 --> 00:04:57,085
"One of them"?
How many do you have?
117
00:04:57,087 --> 00:04:59,888
So far?
118
00:04:59,890 --> 00:05:01,556
Oh, Earl, I love you.
119
00:05:01,558 --> 00:05:02,724
This is my son, Darius.
120
00:05:02,726 --> 00:05:04,759
He's the number one
Chrysler salesman
121
00:05:04,761 --> 00:05:07,846
in all of Detroit,
and he's my very favorite,
122
00:05:07,848 --> 00:05:11,516
if he's the one
I'm thinking of.
123
00:05:11,518 --> 00:05:14,919
Excuse me,
but aren't you Max
124
00:05:14,921 --> 00:05:18,323
of Max's Homemade Cupcakes?
125
00:05:18,325 --> 00:05:19,441
Earl, look.
126
00:05:19,443 --> 00:05:20,992
Our credit card came
in the mail today.
127
00:05:20,994 --> 00:05:22,527
See?
"Max Black".
128
00:05:22,529 --> 00:05:25,914
No more using the card
I found at Six Flags.
129
00:05:27,649 --> 00:05:32,620
Thank you for never checking
your statement, Agnes Chin.
130
00:05:32,622 --> 00:05:34,038
Girls, take my advice
131
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,007
and be very careful
with that thing.
132
00:05:36,009 --> 00:05:37,625
Credit cards
are more trouble
133
00:05:37,627 --> 00:05:40,762
than a priest
at a Wiggles concert.
134
00:05:40,764 --> 00:05:42,497
Yes, Earl.
135
00:05:42,499 --> 00:05:45,550
I can't believe it.
A credit card for our business.
136
00:05:45,552 --> 00:05:47,685
So when are we getting
the shoes and lizards?
137
00:05:47,687 --> 00:05:48,987
Max, remember.
138
00:05:48,989 --> 00:05:50,638
We have to be grown-ups
about this.
139
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:51,990
Of course.
140
00:05:51,992 --> 00:05:57,345
"Two lizards, please.
No, make it three."
141
00:05:57,347 --> 00:05:59,481
Hi, I'm looking for Earl.
142
00:05:59,483 --> 00:06:02,500
And no, I'm not here to return
a bag of skunky weed.
143
00:06:02,502 --> 00:06:05,853
Oh, my God.
I'm so excited to see you.
144
00:06:05,855 --> 00:06:08,306
Come on in, I'll take really,
really good care of you.
145
00:06:08,308 --> 00:06:11,025
Oh, you need to know I just
separated from my wife,
146
00:06:11,027 --> 00:06:13,694
so I'm a little vulnerable.
147
00:06:13,696 --> 00:06:15,863
She's not usually
this nice to customers.
148
00:06:15,865 --> 00:06:17,031
She's just excited.
149
00:06:17,033 --> 00:06:19,667
She's about to come
into some lizards.
150
00:06:21,003 --> 00:06:24,055
Yeah, again.
151
00:06:24,057 --> 00:06:25,840
I've been out
the dating pool for a while,
152
00:06:25,842 --> 00:06:30,228
so everything sound like
a sexual innuendo to me.
153
00:06:30,230 --> 00:06:32,680
He is not a customer.
Look at him.
154
00:06:32,682 --> 00:06:35,383
Don't you see the resemblance?
155
00:06:36,435 --> 00:06:41,322
Oh, my God
is he your father?
156
00:06:41,324 --> 00:06:44,075
Yes.
He's my father.
157
00:06:44,077 --> 00:06:46,778
And my mother is
a piece of chalk.
158
00:06:48,747 --> 00:06:50,081
Daddy!
159
00:06:50,083 --> 00:06:51,916
Thank God, it is
the one I thought.
160
00:06:51,918 --> 00:06:54,485
There's my little boy!
161
00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:03,630
So, Darius, what was
Earl like as a dad?
162
00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:04,714
It must have been great, huh?
163
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,466
I bet he packed
the coolest lunches.
164
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:09,553
A joint for recess,
and a gin and juice box.
165
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,105
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He was a great dad.
166
00:07:12,107 --> 00:07:15,225
I mean, he was always there.
Except for my childhood.
167
00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:19,312
You've gotta laugh!
168
00:07:20,064 --> 00:07:22,465
Earl is sitting right there.
169
00:07:22,467 --> 00:07:26,769
Well, it's a joke.
Take it easy there, fun size.
170
00:07:26,771 --> 00:07:28,287
Han, take no offense.
171
00:07:28,289 --> 00:07:30,072
He's just pulling
your leg a little.
172
00:07:30,074 --> 00:07:32,041
Darius has always been funny.
173
00:07:32,043 --> 00:07:34,377
Why am I thinking
about Terrence?
174
00:07:34,379 --> 00:07:35,878
I don't know.
I'm the funny one, Dad.
175
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,280
I don't recall there being
a Terrence in our family,
176
00:07:38,282 --> 00:07:41,551
but then again, I don't know
how far you've thrown your seed.
177
00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:44,503
You've gotta laugh.
178
00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:46,422
Do you?
179
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:48,341
Darius was voted
the funniest salesman
180
00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:50,309
at the Chrysler dealership.
181
00:07:50,311 --> 00:07:52,678
Yes, I was.
And that's why I quit my job.
182
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,981
To pursue my dream
to become a comedian.
183
00:07:58,236 --> 00:08:00,019
See?
See, he's funny.
184
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,687
Always making jokes.
185
00:08:01,689 --> 00:08:03,606
That's not a joke, Daddy.
186
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,858
No, no,
that's why I'm in town.
187
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:08,444
To audition at the comedy club
tomorrow night.
188
00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:10,363
I already got my stage name.
189
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:13,449
"Darius The Hilarious".
190
00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:15,084
I think
it's a good choice, right?
191
00:08:15,086 --> 00:08:18,654
Is it?
192
00:08:18,656 --> 00:08:21,507
Well, obviously, Big D,
we will all be there
193
00:08:21,509 --> 00:08:22,825
to support you.
194
00:08:22,827 --> 00:08:24,794
Will we?
195
00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:27,847
Hold up, Darius.
How did all of this happen?
196
00:08:27,849 --> 00:08:30,049
Well, I mean,
I knew a guy at Cadillac
197
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:32,768
who knew a guy at Toyota
who knew a guy at Subaru
198
00:08:32,770 --> 00:08:34,854
who sold the club owner
a Dodge.
199
00:08:34,856 --> 00:08:36,639
And then he hit a kid with it.
200
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,891
The kid should have dodged.
201
00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:41,027
You gotta laugh!
202
00:08:41,029 --> 00:08:44,313
There's a dead kid in the mix
and we got to laugh?
203
00:08:46,149 --> 00:08:47,516
It's not his fault
he's not funny.
204
00:08:47,518 --> 00:08:50,870
We put his sense of humor
on a high shelf.
205
00:08:50,872 --> 00:08:52,738
Hey, Max, you know,
206
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,523
Daddy always told me
you were special,
207
00:08:54,525 --> 00:08:56,075
and now I see it.
208
00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,861
And it's not just because you
think everything I say is funny.
209
00:08:58,863 --> 00:09:00,246
You feel like family.
210
00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:03,499
I do? Oh, I always
wanted a brother...
211
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:05,985
Who was a brother.
212
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:12,174
Max, do you expect me to wait
on all the tables tonight?
213
00:09:12,176 --> 00:09:14,010
Well, I am kind of
in the middle of
214
00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:17,179
my family reunion right now.
215
00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:19,765
And where is
Mr. Hilarious' soup?
216
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,517
Look at blondie, here.
She's like,
217
00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:26,155
"Oh my God, do black people
even eat soup?"
218
00:09:26,157 --> 00:09:29,224
"It's like, whatever."
219
00:09:29,226 --> 00:09:32,044
That is a dead-on Caroline.
220
00:09:32,046 --> 00:09:34,947
Is it?
221
00:09:36,399 --> 00:09:38,751
Here is your
order ticket from tonight.
222
00:09:38,753 --> 00:09:42,204
This pile is for
the people who found hair.
223
00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:46,042
These are the hairs
that the people found.
224
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,910
Oh, you sound Russian.
225
00:09:47,912 --> 00:09:51,964
That's funny because you're not
rushin' to make my soup.
226
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,749
No, no, no, no.
I'm kidding you, man.
227
00:09:53,751 --> 00:09:55,634
I get it.
You're just too busy back there
228
00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:58,354
not putting on deodorant.
229
00:09:58,356 --> 00:10:00,255
You gotta laugh.
230
00:10:00,257 --> 00:10:01,442
Do you?
231
00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:05,394
Max, I might be crazy
but now I feel like
232
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:08,714
the heel of this shoe's
starting to--
233
00:10:08,716 --> 00:10:11,734
Oh, gosh.
Now I got to go wipe this down.
234
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:14,403
You know, I was going to
wear this for my audition.
235
00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:15,654
And that's gotta go well.
236
00:10:15,656 --> 00:10:17,156
Yes, it does.
Because son,
237
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:21,577
there are two jobs in Detroit,
and you just quit one of them.
238
00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:23,079
Don't worry, Daddy.
I'll make you proud.
239
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:25,131
All right?
You'll see.
240
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:26,632
Daddy's been wrong before.
241
00:10:26,634 --> 00:10:28,467
He didn't think I could
make it on Soul Train,
242
00:10:28,469 --> 00:10:29,885
but there I was,
243
00:10:29,887 --> 00:10:33,472
in the bottom left corner
on Soul Train.
244
00:10:38,145 --> 00:10:39,562
I feel so terrible.
245
00:10:39,564 --> 00:10:41,630
Well, you know we have
to buy him a new shirt.
246
00:10:41,632 --> 00:10:43,566
Max, I've made
seven dollars so far.
247
00:10:43,568 --> 00:10:44,967
We can't afford to buy
him a shirt.
248
00:10:44,969 --> 00:10:47,403
We can go shopping for
a reasonable shirt.
249
00:10:47,405 --> 00:10:49,304
We have to.
He's family.
250
00:10:49,306 --> 00:10:51,574
Is he?
251
00:10:51,576 --> 00:10:54,393
And I have to say, I don't like
that brand of put-down humor.
252
00:10:54,395 --> 00:10:55,694
And that blonde stereotype?
253
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,163
I mean,
I don't even say "whatever".
254
00:10:57,165 --> 00:10:59,665
But, you know, it's fine.
Whatever.
255
00:11:05,756 --> 00:11:07,289
Max, slow down.
256
00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:11,043
I can't walk any faster
in Sophie's giant sneakers.
257
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:15,014
I can't believe
she benches 250 in these.
258
00:11:15,016 --> 00:11:16,298
Oh, my God.
259
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:18,500
My hand just touched
the subway floor.
260
00:11:18,502 --> 00:11:21,353
How do I know
someone didn't pee here?
261
00:11:21,355 --> 00:11:24,607
Oh, honey,
I've peed here.
262
00:11:24,609 --> 00:11:27,109
This is New York.
It's made of pee.
263
00:11:27,111 --> 00:11:30,362
And pee hand is what you get
for refusing to wear flat shoes.
264
00:11:30,364 --> 00:11:31,614
No way.
265
00:11:31,616 --> 00:11:33,115
I'm living so close
to the gutter as it is.
266
00:11:33,117 --> 00:11:35,684
I can't risk being any shorter.
267
00:11:35,686 --> 00:11:37,169
Here's where we're
meeting Darius.
268
00:11:37,171 --> 00:11:38,353
"Subway Style".
269
00:11:38,355 --> 00:11:40,372
Every time I walk by
this place I wonder
270
00:11:40,374 --> 00:11:42,241
"who would ever shop here?"
271
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:44,293
Now I know--us.
272
00:11:44,295 --> 00:11:45,377
First my heel breaks,
273
00:11:45,379 --> 00:11:47,029
and now I'm
shopping underground.
274
00:11:47,031 --> 00:11:48,547
How much lower can I get?
275
00:11:48,549 --> 00:11:50,916
Brunch on the earth's core?
276
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:56,422
Mmm, oh.
Excuse my mouthful.
277
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,207
Mm, I wasn't expecting ladies.
278
00:11:58,209 --> 00:12:01,210
We usually just sell
to pimps and pastors.
279
00:12:01,212 --> 00:12:03,979
What can I help
you dolls with?
280
00:12:03,981 --> 00:12:05,981
Actually, we're just
here meeting a friend.
281
00:12:05,983 --> 00:12:07,516
We're going to help him
pick out a shirt.
282
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:08,984
Oh, that guy?
283
00:12:08,986 --> 00:12:11,654
He's already in the dressing
room trying one on now.
284
00:12:11,656 --> 00:12:14,556
Now, listen,
if the price is too high,
285
00:12:14,558 --> 00:12:18,194
you and I can, uh, negotiate.
286
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:21,313
Or you.
287
00:12:21,315 --> 00:12:23,398
I still can't believe
we're using our tip money
288
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,583
to buy him a shirt.
289
00:12:24,585 --> 00:12:26,335
We're only going
to spend like $40.
290
00:12:26,337 --> 00:12:28,504
And you heard the man.
It can go down.
291
00:12:28,506 --> 00:12:30,956
If you go down.
292
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:33,392
Oh, hey ladies.
There you are.
293
00:12:33,394 --> 00:12:35,294
Look, I switched it up
a little bit.
294
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:36,912
Do you like me in pink?
295
00:12:36,914 --> 00:12:39,548
My boyfriend does.
296
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:43,469
He says it makes my cheeks
look rosy, all four of them.
297
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,188
You gotta laugh,
you gotta laugh!
298
00:12:46,190 --> 00:12:48,891
Darius, we're family,
so I'm just going to tell you
299
00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:50,025
like it is.
300
00:12:50,027 --> 00:12:52,528
That material
feels a little funky.
301
00:12:52,530 --> 00:12:55,197
I mean, that kind of humor might
have worked over at Toyota--
302
00:12:55,199 --> 00:12:56,365
- It's Chrysler.
- Whatever.
303
00:12:56,367 --> 00:12:59,034
But this is New York.
There are a lot of people,
304
00:12:59,036 --> 00:13:02,538
be them gays, or blondes,
who might take offense to that.
305
00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:05,107
I mean, I don't,
but, whatever.
306
00:13:05,109 --> 00:13:07,076
Oh, no, no, no.
I was just playing.
307
00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:09,712
That's not the kind of stuff
I'm gonna do in my act tonight.
308
00:13:09,714 --> 00:13:12,447
No, I wrote some real jokes
with a comic back home.
309
00:13:12,449 --> 00:13:14,283
And, he's Jewish, so you know
it's gonna be funny.
310
00:13:14,285 --> 00:13:15,834
And not cheap.
311
00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:17,670
Again, see?
That's the kind of stuff...
312
00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:20,756
Caroline, come on.
It's so wrong it's right.
313
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,508
Look, I have
the jokes right here.
314
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,977
Let's take them on a little
test drive and see how they do.
315
00:13:24,979 --> 00:13:27,346
All right?
So back it up, ladies.
316
00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:29,815
You going to need
some laughing room.
317
00:13:29,817 --> 00:13:32,768
This is going to be hilarious.
318
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,320
Anybody here have a Smart Car?
319
00:13:34,322 --> 00:13:39,241
Because I don't think it's smart
to drive half a car.
320
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:44,313
That was new,
I'll keep working on it.
321
00:13:44,315 --> 00:13:45,981
All right, let's try
another one.
322
00:13:45,983 --> 00:13:49,318
You know what, maybe
we weren't back far enough.
323
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:50,502
Yeah!
324
00:13:50,504 --> 00:13:52,504
Yeah, that feels funnier
already, right Caroline?
325
00:13:53,858 --> 00:13:55,090
All right.
326
00:13:55,092 --> 00:13:57,376
You know who doesn't
drive a Smart Car?
327
00:13:57,378 --> 00:14:03,048
Smart people.
They don't do it.
328
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:04,934
You gotta laugh.
329
00:14:04,936 --> 00:14:06,268
Seriously.
330
00:14:06,270 --> 00:14:10,005
You've got to.
I've got a lot riding on this.
331
00:14:10,007 --> 00:14:11,557
I just got it.
332
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:16,278
Oh, my God.
He stinks.
333
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:19,348
He stinks on ice.
Darius is gonna bomb tonight
334
00:14:19,350 --> 00:14:21,683
and worse, he's going to bomb
in front of Earl.
335
00:14:21,685 --> 00:14:25,687
And Earl's pretty sure that's
the son he's most proud of.
336
00:14:25,689 --> 00:14:27,522
You're right.
What are we gonna do?
337
00:14:27,524 --> 00:14:30,743
Now I know you lovely ladies
came in for a shirt,
338
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,928
but can I interest you
in a nice suit?
339
00:14:32,930 --> 00:14:35,331
Look at this one.
It's a classic.
340
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:39,218
You can't get
this color above ground.
341
00:14:39,220 --> 00:14:42,554
That's it.
Darius needs a suit.
342
00:14:42,556 --> 00:14:44,506
All the professional
comedians wear suits,
343
00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:45,808
and like you said,
344
00:14:45,810 --> 00:14:47,876
you have to dress
for the job you want.
345
00:14:47,878 --> 00:14:49,011
And with jokes like that,
346
00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:52,481
he needs the funniest suit
they have.
347
00:14:52,483 --> 00:14:55,334
Do you have anything from
the Sinbad collection?
348
00:14:55,336 --> 00:14:56,921
I do.
349
00:14:58,923 --> 00:15:01,273
Max, I don't think
the suit's gonna be enough.
350
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:05,327
I think he needs something else,
you know, like, a puppet.
351
00:15:05,329 --> 00:15:06,895
A puppet?
352
00:15:06,897 --> 00:15:09,782
That's exactly
what he needs.
353
00:15:16,644 --> 00:15:18,744
I went out with
a guy last night.
354
00:15:19,046 --> 00:15:21,913
Asked me if we could go Dutch.
355
00:15:22,415 --> 00:15:24,316
I said, "I don't know."
356
00:15:24,318 --> 00:15:26,468
"What's Dutch for
cheap-ass bitch?"
357
00:15:29,255 --> 00:15:32,490
You kick him to the curb!
358
00:15:32,992 --> 00:15:34,192
We'll be right back,
359
00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:36,695
because Mama's gotta go
put her feet up.
360
00:15:36,697 --> 00:15:38,029
Uh, miss?
361
00:15:38,031 --> 00:15:39,597
Can we get another round
when you get a chance?
362
00:15:39,599 --> 00:15:40,782
Another round?
363
00:15:40,784 --> 00:15:43,735
And keep them coming until
we can no longer see.
364
00:15:43,737 --> 00:15:44,819
Put it on my card.
365
00:15:44,821 --> 00:15:45,820
You got it.
366
00:15:45,822 --> 00:15:48,073
Man, that feels good
every time.
367
00:15:48,075 --> 00:15:50,325
Hey, Max.
Just because
368
00:15:50,327 --> 00:15:51,442
you're buying me drinks
369
00:15:51,444 --> 00:15:55,163
doesn't mean
I'm going to put out.
370
00:15:55,165 --> 00:16:00,602
My celery stick is my
microphone at the comedy club!
371
00:16:00,604 --> 00:16:02,971
I'm here, I'm here.
372
00:16:02,973 --> 00:16:04,572
Did you get the puppet?
373
00:16:04,574 --> 00:16:07,625
Oh, I've got the puppet.
374
00:16:14,350 --> 00:16:16,634
Hey, come on in.
375
00:16:16,636 --> 00:16:19,687
Hey, girls.
How you doing?
376
00:16:19,689 --> 00:16:21,823
Darius The Hilarious is pumped.
377
00:16:21,825 --> 00:16:23,742
I'm totally in
my zone right now.
378
00:16:23,744 --> 00:16:26,477
And I can't miss
in this suit.
379
00:16:26,479 --> 00:16:29,030
Well...
380
00:16:29,032 --> 00:16:31,332
Darius, that's what we wanted
to talk to you about.
381
00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:33,151
- You know we're big fans.
- Big, big fans.
382
00:16:33,153 --> 00:16:34,702
You're amazing,
your act's incredible.
383
00:16:34,704 --> 00:16:35,987
Your Darius The Hilarious.
384
00:16:35,989 --> 00:16:37,956
Max and I love
the Smart Car stuff.
385
00:16:37,958 --> 00:16:40,458
It's hilarious,
per your name.
386
00:16:40,460 --> 00:16:41,843
But, well, it is New York.
387
00:16:41,845 --> 00:16:43,494
Not a lot of people
are smart, or have cars.
388
00:16:43,496 --> 00:16:44,879
Yeah, you know New York.
389
00:16:44,881 --> 00:16:46,548
Not exactly the cutting edge.
390
00:16:46,550 --> 00:16:48,466
So, after Max and I left you,
we had a thought.
391
00:16:48,468 --> 00:16:51,019
We got you a puppet.
392
00:16:51,021 --> 00:16:53,888
And, yes, I was stoned.
But Caroline was laughing
393
00:16:53,890 --> 00:16:56,891
just as hard as me.
394
00:16:56,893 --> 00:16:58,026
You got me a what?
395
00:16:58,028 --> 00:16:59,944
A puppet.
We got you a puppet.
396
00:16:59,946 --> 00:17:01,729
But I don't use a puppet.
397
00:17:01,731 --> 00:17:03,982
Until you do.
398
00:17:03,984 --> 00:17:05,733
Just imagine,
at the end of your act
399
00:17:05,735 --> 00:17:07,786
- or in the beginning...
- Or all the way through.
400
00:17:07,788 --> 00:17:10,455
Ladies and gentlemen,
Darius The Hilarious
401
00:17:10,457 --> 00:17:14,159
and his partner,
Justin Beaver!
402
00:17:16,946 --> 00:17:19,547
"Damn, girl.
And I mean dam."
403
00:17:19,549 --> 00:17:23,885
"As in, I built one."
404
00:17:23,887 --> 00:17:25,587
And you don't even
have to be funny because
405
00:17:25,589 --> 00:17:27,755
Justin Beaver does
the work for you.
406
00:17:27,757 --> 00:17:30,892
Show him, Max.
407
00:17:30,894 --> 00:17:32,376
"I'm straight".
408
00:17:35,015 --> 00:17:37,515
You gotta laugh!
409
00:17:37,517 --> 00:17:40,185
Do I?
410
00:17:40,187 --> 00:17:41,436
I mean, honestly?
411
00:17:41,438 --> 00:17:43,938
Making fun of
Justin beaver's Sexuality?
412
00:17:43,940 --> 00:17:46,107
I find that a tad offensive.
413
00:17:51,330 --> 00:17:55,033
This next act comes to us
from the Motor City.
414
00:17:55,035 --> 00:17:58,753
Please give it up for
Mr. Darius The Hilarious.
415
00:18:02,559 --> 00:18:06,261
All right.
How's everybody doing tonight?
416
00:18:06,963 --> 00:18:09,097
Who out there
has a Smart Car?
417
00:18:09,099 --> 00:18:12,550
Because I don't think it's smart
to drive a half a car.
418
00:18:12,552 --> 00:18:14,919
You gotta laugh.
419
00:18:17,390 --> 00:18:21,759
Oh, no.
I ran out of fake laughter.
420
00:18:21,761 --> 00:18:23,261
Yeah, I mean, Smart Car.
421
00:18:23,263 --> 00:18:24,946
Have you seen this thing?
422
00:18:24,948 --> 00:18:27,951
It's like you driving
around in a backpack.
423
00:18:29,953 --> 00:18:31,986
You gotta laugh.
424
00:18:31,988 --> 00:18:33,437
Do we?
425
00:18:33,439 --> 00:18:38,126
Why don't we have a Smart Car
write some jokes for you?
426
00:18:38,128 --> 00:18:41,079
Yeah, well, I can see why you
would defend the Smart Car.
427
00:18:41,081 --> 00:18:43,781
It's the only car your feet
can reach the pedals in.
428
00:18:48,138 --> 00:18:53,474
Yeah, but that's so true.
He's very short!
429
00:18:53,476 --> 00:18:58,146
As is the car.
It all lines up.
430
00:18:58,148 --> 00:19:00,098
Look at this
gray-haired scrub, man.
431
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:03,518
Apparently black do crack.
432
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,019
Hey, Don King called.
433
00:19:05,021 --> 00:19:07,138
Said he want
his whole head back.
434
00:19:08,974 --> 00:19:12,277
Max, look.
Look how proud Earl is.
435
00:19:12,279 --> 00:19:13,477
Hey, hey, hey, blondie.
436
00:19:13,479 --> 00:19:15,479
You mind not talking
until I finish?
437
00:19:15,481 --> 00:19:16,831
Wait, a minute.
You're probably just thinking,
438
00:19:16,833 --> 00:19:22,704
"Oh, my God. Shoes, shoes,
hairbrush, shoes."
439
00:19:22,706 --> 00:19:23,705
Oh, my God.
440
00:19:23,707 --> 00:19:28,042
I actually was
thinking about shoes!
441
00:19:28,044 --> 00:19:30,494
I'm sorry, there's
a problem with your card.
442
00:19:30,496 --> 00:19:32,347
It's been declined.
443
00:19:39,021 --> 00:19:40,438
Max.
444
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,007
Darius told me what you did and
that was awful nice of you.
445
00:19:43,009 --> 00:19:45,676
Now, here.
I am reimbursing you
446
00:19:45,678 --> 00:19:48,730
for all of the clothes
and for that damn puppet.
447
00:19:48,732 --> 00:19:53,201
Although I swore I would
never pay for beaver.
448
00:19:53,203 --> 00:19:55,153
Do you think he'll
ever make it, Earl?
449
00:19:55,155 --> 00:19:58,022
Who's to say nowadays, Max?
450
00:19:58,024 --> 00:20:02,693
America's Got Talent.
Do they?
451
00:20:02,695 --> 00:20:05,380
All I know is he's my kid,
and you went out of your way
452
00:20:05,382 --> 00:20:07,248
to try and help him.
453
00:20:07,250 --> 00:20:09,801
Well, I just wanted
you to be proud.
454
00:20:09,803 --> 00:20:13,288
I am, Max.
Very proud.
455
00:20:16,825 --> 00:20:18,192
I just talked to Visa.
456
00:20:18,194 --> 00:20:23,381
I think they were disappointed
they had pre-approved us.
457
00:20:23,383 --> 00:20:26,217
Look, I killed it.
I had to.
458
00:20:26,219 --> 00:20:28,987
It was telling me
to buy a Harley.
459
00:20:28,989 --> 00:20:30,822
Okay, open dialogue.
460
00:20:30,824 --> 00:20:33,724
I used the credit card for
one more thing yesterday.
461
00:20:33,726 --> 00:20:36,577
Open dialogue.
So did I.
462
00:20:36,579 --> 00:20:39,113
It's the fanciest lipstick
Payless had.
463
00:20:39,115 --> 00:20:42,000
Aw.
And here.
464
00:20:42,002 --> 00:20:43,918
Max, are there lizards
in that bag?
465
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:48,206
I wish.
466
00:20:48,208 --> 00:20:51,843
They're as good as new
and no bows.
467
00:20:51,845 --> 00:20:53,845
Max, where'd you find a cobbler?
468
00:20:53,847 --> 00:20:56,414
A cobbler?
469
00:20:56,416 --> 00:20:59,100
I took a time machine.
470
00:20:59,102 --> 00:21:00,584
I was supposed to
kill Hitler,
471
00:21:00,586 --> 00:21:03,271
but I thought your shoes
were more important.
472
00:21:03,273 --> 00:21:05,089
Okay, let's cut up your card.
473
00:21:05,091 --> 00:21:07,058
We should keep one
for business emergencies.
474
00:21:07,060 --> 00:21:08,276
We just have to have
to put it someplace where
475
00:21:08,278 --> 00:21:10,395
we'll never be tempted
to reach for it.
476
00:21:10,397 --> 00:21:12,113
Oleg, would you put this
down your pants?
477
00:21:12,115 --> 00:21:15,766
No problem.
478
00:21:17,072 --> 00:21:22,156
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com