1
00:00:02,609 --> 00:00:04,110
Hey.
2
00:00:04,111 --> 00:00:06,879
What are you doing
back so early?
3
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,380
Did Chestnut
forget his wallet?
4
00:00:08,381 --> 00:00:11,050
No, we saw that cat
we don't like.
5
00:00:11,051 --> 00:00:13,018
I tried to spray it
with a water bottle,
6
00:00:13,019 --> 00:00:16,055
but it just laughed at us,
so we ran.
7
00:00:16,056 --> 00:00:17,156
What are you doing
out here?
8
00:00:17,157 --> 00:00:18,958
Enjoying the day.
9
00:00:18,959 --> 00:00:21,861
The coming of autumn
is my favorite time of year.
10
00:00:21,862 --> 00:00:23,496
I love the leaves.
11
00:00:23,497 --> 00:00:27,633
Oh, gross!
A condom!
12
00:00:27,634 --> 00:00:31,403
Wow, I guess autumn
really is coming.
13
00:00:31,404 --> 00:00:33,139
Who would throw that
over our wall?
14
00:00:33,140 --> 00:00:35,541
- That cat.
- What?
15
00:00:35,542 --> 00:00:37,143
He's not only arrogant,
16
00:00:37,144 --> 00:00:40,746
he wants us to know
he has sex.
17
00:00:40,747 --> 00:00:42,181
All I know is,
if I had nine lives,
18
00:00:42,182 --> 00:00:44,316
I wouldn't wear
a condom.
19
00:00:44,317 --> 00:00:46,852
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
20
00:00:48,421 --> 00:00:50,026
♪ Ooh ooh ooh o
ooh ooh ooh ♪
21
00:00:50,027 --> 00:00:54,326
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
22
00:00:54,327 --> 00:00:56,595
Hey, you know, we should start
figuring out
23
00:00:56,596 --> 00:00:58,330
what to do with Chestnut
this winter,
24
00:00:58,331 --> 00:01:01,233
now that it's already
peak condom dropping season.
25
00:01:01,234 --> 00:01:04,170
You're right, Chestnut
is the most important thing.
26
00:01:04,171 --> 00:01:06,038
But more importantly,
what do you think
27
00:01:06,039 --> 00:01:08,174
of this vintage sweater
I chose for my date with Andy?
28
00:01:08,175 --> 00:01:09,942
It's nice.
29
00:01:09,943 --> 00:01:13,179
But won't it be hard to pull off
over your head in the cab?
30
00:01:13,180 --> 00:01:14,880
I'm assuming
you'll do it in a cab.
31
00:01:14,881 --> 00:01:19,051
Max, it's a first date.
That's not appropriate.
32
00:01:19,052 --> 00:01:20,352
Is it?
33
00:01:20,353 --> 00:01:23,055
I mean, I've never
dated poor.
34
00:01:23,056 --> 00:01:24,790
What is acceptable
on a first date?
35
00:01:24,791 --> 00:01:29,328
Well, I'm pretty classy,
so anal?
36
00:01:36,369 --> 00:01:39,205
I'm not that poor.
37
00:01:39,206 --> 00:01:40,873
Well, you better
give him something
38
00:01:40,874 --> 00:01:42,808
to keep him interested
because he owns a candy store,
39
00:01:42,809 --> 00:01:44,944
and I want
free candy forever.
40
00:01:45,946 --> 00:01:47,146
There he is.
41
00:01:47,147 --> 00:01:48,747
Can you bring him
out in the yard,
42
00:01:48,748 --> 00:01:50,115
so he can see me in my sweater
next to my horse?
43
00:01:50,116 --> 00:01:53,819
Okay, freak.
44
00:01:53,820 --> 00:01:55,621
But next time a guy
comes knocking for me,
45
00:01:55,622 --> 00:01:56,822
you have to take him
to my bedroom,
46
00:01:56,823 --> 00:01:58,324
so he can see me
in my slayer shirt
47
00:01:58,325 --> 00:02:02,461
next to my glo worm
filled with pot.
48
00:02:04,064 --> 00:02:05,831
Hello, sir, I'm here
to pick up your daughter.
49
00:02:05,832 --> 00:02:07,633
And what exactly
are your intentions?
50
00:02:07,634 --> 00:02:08,968
I don't know.
51
00:02:08,969 --> 00:02:10,836
Maybe take her
on a romantic hayride,
52
00:02:10,837 --> 00:02:12,104
knock her out
with chloroform,
53
00:02:12,105 --> 00:02:15,174
and sell her kidney
for a new iPad.
54
00:02:15,175 --> 00:02:17,343
Son!
55
00:02:17,344 --> 00:02:18,644
Come outside.
56
00:02:18,645 --> 00:02:19,945
Miss Channing wants
you to see her
57
00:02:19,946 --> 00:02:21,347
looking like the girl
who got cut
58
00:02:21,348 --> 00:02:23,582
from the J. Crew catalog
for being too white.
59
00:02:23,583 --> 00:02:26,585
Miss Channing?
Max, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
60
00:02:26,586 --> 00:02:28,921
Caroline is Caroline Channing
Caroline Channing?
61
00:02:28,922 --> 00:02:30,589
Yeah, she used to be
a billionaire,
62
00:02:30,590 --> 00:02:31,757
but now all her money
is in here.
63
00:02:33,159 --> 00:02:34,760
Oh, wait, some of these
are buttons.
64
00:02:34,761 --> 00:02:36,528
Oh.
Okay.
65
00:02:36,529 --> 00:02:38,697
Yeah, I just thought she was
a regular Williamsburg girl.
66
00:02:38,698 --> 00:02:42,534
No.
She doesn't try that hard.
67
00:02:44,104 --> 00:02:46,272
And I was wrong.
68
00:02:46,773 --> 00:02:49,875
Oh, hi.
I didn't hear you knock.
69
00:02:49,876 --> 00:02:51,610
Well, you two
have a good time.
70
00:02:51,611 --> 00:02:53,345
And, young man, if you don't
swing by your store
71
00:02:53,346 --> 00:02:54,713
and bring me
some Pixie Sticks,
72
00:02:54,714 --> 00:02:56,015
you'll never see
my little girl again.
73
00:02:56,016 --> 00:02:57,449
Way ahead of you.
74
00:02:57,450 --> 00:03:00,686
Yes!
75
00:03:00,687 --> 00:03:02,755
Yeah, definitely anal.
76
00:03:13,966 --> 00:03:15,000
Oh, baby.
77
00:03:15,001 --> 00:03:17,235
Look who's a half hour
late for work.
78
00:03:17,236 --> 00:03:19,838
Must have been a pretty hot date
with the candy man.
79
00:03:19,839 --> 00:03:23,942
So did you touch
his whatchamacallit?
80
00:03:23,943 --> 00:03:26,344
Did you bring him
to Almond Joy?
81
00:03:26,345 --> 00:03:30,015
His butterfingers
got nowhere near my mounds.
82
00:03:30,016 --> 00:03:31,483
Now, if we could be adults
for a second--
83
00:03:31,484 --> 00:03:33,251
Well, your mounds
are more like Sno-Caps,
84
00:03:33,252 --> 00:03:36,088
but continue.
85
00:03:36,089 --> 00:03:37,856
Well, nothing happened.
86
00:03:37,857 --> 00:03:41,426
Even after four hours of me
breathing heavily and saying...
87
00:03:41,427 --> 00:03:44,696
"I'm having a really good time."
88
00:03:46,933 --> 00:03:49,334
Look, I don't want to be
this girl, but I think--
89
00:03:49,335 --> 00:03:51,103
think he might be gay.
90
00:03:51,604 --> 00:03:53,305
He's gay
because he's not turned on
91
00:03:53,306 --> 00:03:58,009
by four hours
of coffee breath?
92
00:04:00,012 --> 00:04:01,646
What's up?
93
00:04:01,647 --> 00:04:05,217
I'm having
a really good time.
94
00:04:05,218 --> 00:04:08,019
I must go
to the men's room right now.
95
00:04:14,627 --> 00:04:16,828
That proves nothing.
96
00:04:16,829 --> 00:04:18,463
Oleg is always looking
for an excuse
97
00:04:18,464 --> 00:04:20,132
to put it somewhere.
98
00:04:20,133 --> 00:04:23,201
Why do you think we don't
serve bagels any more?
99
00:04:26,139 --> 00:04:28,140
Andy is not gay.
100
00:04:28,141 --> 00:04:30,642
And I'm not just setting you up
for a life of confusing,
101
00:04:30,643 --> 00:04:32,844
self-questioning non-sex
for the free candy,
102
00:04:32,845 --> 00:04:35,714
although that does
sound like me.
103
00:04:35,715 --> 00:04:36,915
He is really into you.
104
00:04:36,916 --> 00:04:38,416
He might be into me,
105
00:04:38,417 --> 00:04:42,921
but he doesn't seem to want
to get into me.
106
00:04:42,922 --> 00:04:44,556
Maybe he just
wants me as a friend.
107
00:04:44,557 --> 00:04:45,991
No way.
108
00:04:45,992 --> 00:04:47,726
You are, like, 80 pounds
and a coke addiction shy
109
00:04:47,727 --> 00:04:51,596
from being qualified to be
a gay guy's female friend.
110
00:04:51,597 --> 00:04:53,532
What's so important
you two have to be in here
111
00:04:53,533 --> 00:04:55,934
gabbing like schoolgirls when
there are customers waiting?
112
00:04:55,935 --> 00:04:57,702
If you must know,
113
00:04:57,703 --> 00:04:59,671
Caroline and I were discussing
if someone we know is gay.
114
00:04:59,672 --> 00:05:00,906
I once had
115
00:05:00,907 --> 00:05:04,109
a homosexual experience
in college.
116
00:05:08,881 --> 00:05:12,350
With another girl?
117
00:05:12,351 --> 00:05:15,420
No, there was a boy
who was interested in me.
118
00:05:15,421 --> 00:05:17,355
He was captain
of the football team.
119
00:05:17,356 --> 00:05:18,757
He would come
to my dorm room
120
00:05:18,758 --> 00:05:20,392
and ask me
to do his homework,
121
00:05:20,393 --> 00:05:23,361
and then he would leave.
122
00:05:23,362 --> 00:05:24,629
Oh.
Never mind.
123
00:05:24,630 --> 00:05:28,867
I never had
a homosexual experience.
124
00:05:28,868 --> 00:05:30,135
Keep wearing
those sweaters, Han.
125
00:05:30,136 --> 00:05:32,504
It'll happen.
126
00:05:36,776 --> 00:05:38,577
And if you think
your life sucks now,
127
00:05:38,578 --> 00:05:40,045
it just got worse.
128
00:05:40,046 --> 00:05:43,215
Look, a new hipster strain.
Ironic Amish.
129
00:05:43,216 --> 00:05:44,916
No way.
130
00:05:44,917 --> 00:05:48,987
I'm taking care of these
two butter churners right now.
131
00:05:48,988 --> 00:05:51,623
Look, I'm telling you
what I told Mumford & Sons,
132
00:05:51,624 --> 00:05:55,260
get out.
133
00:05:55,261 --> 00:05:59,064
Go.
Go, you hipster Amish wannabes.
134
00:05:59,065 --> 00:06:01,266
But we really are Amish.
135
00:06:01,267 --> 00:06:02,968
Yes, we're here
on Rumspringa.
136
00:06:02,969 --> 00:06:06,504
And I'm here
on a little bit of vodka.
137
00:06:06,505 --> 00:06:08,974
It's sort of like what
you might call Spring Break.
138
00:06:08,975 --> 00:06:10,342
We get to leave
the ways of the Amish
139
00:06:10,343 --> 00:06:11,743
and experience
the modern world.
140
00:06:11,744 --> 00:06:15,247
Well, I beggeth
thy forgiveness.
141
00:06:15,248 --> 00:06:18,617
Haveth a seat-eth
in the booth-eth.
142
00:06:18,618 --> 00:06:20,788
Have a seat in the booth.
143
00:06:23,289 --> 00:06:25,090
Earl, I got
two Amish in my booth.
144
00:06:25,091 --> 00:06:26,791
Well, you let them know
right up front
145
00:06:26,792 --> 00:06:30,695
that we don't accept
travelers checks or livestock.
146
00:06:32,431 --> 00:06:33,898
So Amish, huh?
147
00:06:33,899 --> 00:06:35,967
Yes, ma'am.
From Pennsylvania.
148
00:06:35,968 --> 00:06:37,335
"Ma'am"?
149
00:06:37,336 --> 00:06:39,671
You know what,
that's kind of hot.
150
00:06:39,672 --> 00:06:41,339
I always thought
I'd have to wait
151
00:06:41,340 --> 00:06:46,144
20 more years to be a cougar,
but, rawr, here I am.
152
00:06:46,145 --> 00:06:47,846
Why don't I bring you boys
some coffee, on me?
153
00:06:48,347 --> 00:06:50,014
We can't
drink coffee, ma'am.
154
00:06:50,015 --> 00:06:52,283
Coffee is the Devil
in a cup.
155
00:06:52,384 --> 00:06:54,386
We can do whatever we want,
Jacob, we're in New York.
156
00:06:54,387 --> 00:06:56,554
Yeah, Jacob.
Listen to, uh--
157
00:06:56,555 --> 00:06:59,557
- Jebediah.
- For real?
158
00:07:01,927 --> 00:07:04,596
Did you see the size
of her nursers?
159
00:07:10,236 --> 00:07:11,870
Those guys
are for real Amish.
160
00:07:11,871 --> 00:07:14,039
I love the Amish culture.
161
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,473
You love
every culture.
162
00:07:15,474 --> 00:07:18,410
You salute the flags
at IHOP when we walk by.
163
00:07:20,980 --> 00:07:22,480
Oh, my God.
That's it.
164
00:07:22,481 --> 00:07:25,216
Max, question.
What are the Amish known for?
165
00:07:25,217 --> 00:07:27,419
Oh, no.
It's sixth grade all over again.
166
00:07:27,420 --> 00:07:29,054
Just give me an "F"
and move on.
167
00:07:29,555 --> 00:07:31,756
Barns.
They build barns, and we--
168
00:07:31,757 --> 00:07:33,858
We need a barn
for Chestnut.
169
00:07:33,859 --> 00:07:35,927
Come on.
And let me do the talking.
170
00:07:35,928 --> 00:07:38,363
I am very good
at manipulating young boys.
171
00:07:38,364 --> 00:07:40,231
I once got a ten-year-old
I was babysitting
172
00:07:40,232 --> 00:07:42,600
to buy me a box of Pop-Tarts
with his allowance.
173
00:07:50,744 --> 00:07:53,780
So this is our place.
Not much, but--
174
00:07:53,781 --> 00:07:56,649
You have so many possessions.
Are you rich, ma'am?
175
00:07:56,950 --> 00:07:58,319
Yes.
176
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:00,887
And I have to say,
this "ma'am" thing
177
00:08:00,888 --> 00:08:04,157
is still working
for me.
178
00:08:04,158 --> 00:08:06,326
Um, okay, Jacob.
That's enough with the lights.
179
00:08:06,327 --> 00:08:09,562
There will be plenty of time for
fun with electricity tomorrow,
180
00:08:09,563 --> 00:08:10,963
but it's late.
181
00:08:10,964 --> 00:08:12,832
Let's discuss
sleeping arrangements.
182
00:08:12,833 --> 00:08:14,167
You two can sleep out here,
183
00:08:14,168 --> 00:08:15,335
and Max and I
will sleep in her bed.
184
00:08:15,336 --> 00:08:16,436
Does that work for you?
185
00:08:16,437 --> 00:08:17,737
Okay.
186
00:08:17,738 --> 00:08:19,839
Oh, sorry.
I left my bra.
187
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,108
Your--
your b-b-bra?
188
00:08:22,109 --> 00:08:23,910
Jacob, stop acting
like a child.
189
00:08:23,911 --> 00:08:24,911
I'm sorry about him.
190
00:08:24,912 --> 00:08:25,978
Don't be.
191
00:08:25,979 --> 00:08:27,113
At least it was her bra.
192
00:08:27,114 --> 00:08:28,819
Mine would have killed
the kid.
193
00:08:32,820 --> 00:08:34,287
So I was thinking
we could drive our truck
194
00:08:34,288 --> 00:08:35,421
to my Uncle's lumberyard
in the morning
195
00:08:35,422 --> 00:08:37,156
and get the wood
for the barn.
196
00:08:37,157 --> 00:08:39,792
Okay, but there seems to be
plenty of wood right here.
197
00:08:39,793 --> 00:08:41,063
Oh, hello.
198
00:08:42,964 --> 00:08:44,931
Don't be embarrassed,
Jacob.
199
00:08:44,932 --> 00:08:47,000
It's perfectly natural when
you're exposed to new things.
200
00:08:47,001 --> 00:08:49,436
The first time I saw a picture
of those fat twins on scooters,
201
00:08:49,437 --> 00:08:52,806
I was hard
for days.
202
00:08:52,807 --> 00:08:54,708
Why don't you two go outside
and play with the horse?
203
00:08:55,209 --> 00:08:57,110
Okay.
204
00:08:57,111 --> 00:08:58,945
And thank you for letting us
stay at your place.
205
00:08:59,446 --> 00:09:01,114
Your home is dope.
206
00:09:01,115 --> 00:09:03,182
You don't even know
what that means, Jebediah.
207
00:09:03,183 --> 00:09:05,918
It's hipster talk, Jacob,
and it's awesome.
208
00:09:09,189 --> 00:09:11,190
Are we sure
this is a good idea?
209
00:09:11,191 --> 00:09:12,725
You saw how turned on
he was.
210
00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:16,062
He was practically
raising a barn in his pants.
211
00:09:16,063 --> 00:09:18,731
We're fine,
they're fine.
212
00:09:18,732 --> 00:09:20,233
Just a typical male reaction
213
00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:22,735
to a couple of hot cougars
like us.
214
00:09:22,736 --> 00:09:24,372
Ra.
Rawr.
215
00:09:26,373 --> 00:09:28,641
You know what isn't
a typical male reaction?
216
00:09:28,642 --> 00:09:31,077
Not calling or texting
a girl you're interested in.
217
00:09:31,078 --> 00:09:32,812
Well, why don't you
just text Andy, then?
218
00:09:32,813 --> 00:09:34,480
What should I text?
219
00:09:34,481 --> 00:09:37,250
"Why so gay,
question mark"?
220
00:09:37,251 --> 00:09:38,851
I don't know.
221
00:09:38,852 --> 00:09:40,553
The only thing
I've ever texted to a guy is,
222
00:09:40,554 --> 00:09:44,824
"there's a cop behind you,
walk past me."
223
00:09:44,825 --> 00:09:46,259
Just say "hey."
224
00:09:46,260 --> 00:09:50,029
Okay.
I can do that.
225
00:09:50,030 --> 00:09:51,531
"Hey."
226
00:09:51,532 --> 00:09:56,102
Huh, it autocorrected
to "gay."
227
00:09:56,103 --> 00:09:58,871
Even the phone's
getting that vibe.
228
00:09:58,872 --> 00:10:00,840
There, sent it.
"Hey."
229
00:10:00,841 --> 00:10:02,608
Do you think
I could grab a beer?
230
00:10:02,609 --> 00:10:03,943
- Yes.
- No.
231
00:10:03,944 --> 00:10:06,846
Look, they're working
for us for free.
232
00:10:06,847 --> 00:10:09,882
- One beer each.
- Awesome, awesome, awesome.
233
00:10:09,883 --> 00:10:12,452
Max, you can't give
underage kids beer in our home.
234
00:10:12,453 --> 00:10:14,623
Why?
Isn't that what love is?
235
00:10:17,124 --> 00:10:19,859
Jebediah,
beer is the Devil's saliva.
236
00:10:21,862 --> 00:10:24,197
Neighbors come a-calling
after midnight in Williamsburg?
237
00:10:24,198 --> 00:10:25,631
Where is this William?
238
00:10:25,632 --> 00:10:27,867
I'd like to compliment him
on his burg.
239
00:10:27,868 --> 00:10:31,537
Hi, girls, I just
came down for a cupcake--
240
00:10:31,538 --> 00:10:34,640
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
241
00:10:34,641 --> 00:10:37,310
Hold on.
242
00:10:37,311 --> 00:10:41,113
Who are the two cute puppies
in the kitchen?
243
00:10:41,114 --> 00:10:43,049
Look at you two.
244
00:10:43,050 --> 00:10:44,884
You are
the cutest little things.
245
00:10:44,885 --> 00:10:46,085
Yes, you are--
246
00:10:46,086 --> 00:10:48,855
Ooh, and this one
has an erection.
247
00:10:54,795 --> 00:10:57,096
Jacob, don't look
directly at her.
248
00:10:57,097 --> 00:11:00,299
She's like an eclipse
with boobs.
249
00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:02,101
Sorry, girls.
250
00:11:02,102 --> 00:11:04,670
I didn't mean to interrupt
your lovers' session.
251
00:11:04,671 --> 00:11:07,173
Sophie, they're just here
to build a barn for Chestnut.
252
00:11:07,174 --> 00:11:11,410
Oh, sure.
Wink, wink.
253
00:11:11,411 --> 00:11:13,946
"Building a barn," is that
what we're calling it now?
254
00:11:13,947 --> 00:11:15,581
Wink, wink.
255
00:11:15,582 --> 00:11:17,683
Caroline's telling
the truth, Sophie.
256
00:11:17,684 --> 00:11:19,085
It's strictly business.
257
00:11:19,086 --> 00:11:23,022
Oh, so you're paying
for them?
258
00:11:23,023 --> 00:11:27,293
Okay.
Ooh la la.
259
00:11:27,294 --> 00:11:28,828
How much do they cost?
260
00:11:28,829 --> 00:11:31,697
Because, yeah,
I also need a barn.
261
00:11:31,698 --> 00:11:34,100
Wink, wink.
262
00:11:34,101 --> 00:11:35,101
Well, here's
your cupcake, Sophie.
263
00:11:35,102 --> 00:11:36,469
Good night.
264
00:11:36,470 --> 00:11:40,306
Oh, but I want
to play with the puppies.
265
00:11:40,307 --> 00:11:41,507
It's very late.
266
00:11:41,508 --> 00:11:42,608
You can come back
in the morning.
267
00:11:42,609 --> 00:11:44,176
Oh.
268
00:11:44,177 --> 00:11:48,182
This is like when they cancelled
Christmas in my village.
269
00:11:50,183 --> 00:11:53,586
Look, look at his pants.
That one misses me.
270
00:11:55,355 --> 00:11:57,623
Nighty night,
puppies.
271
00:12:03,130 --> 00:12:05,898
That must be Andy.
272
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:08,534
Emojis?
He sent me emojis?
273
00:12:08,535 --> 00:12:10,403
All I get back
are tiny, little pictures,
274
00:12:10,404 --> 00:12:12,907
when I spent the time and energy
to write "Hey"?
275
00:12:14,408 --> 00:12:17,243
Rainbow, dollar sign, muffin.
Could be worse.
276
00:12:17,244 --> 00:12:21,147
I once got naked guy,
naked girl, tombstone.
277
00:12:21,148 --> 00:12:23,450
I wasn't sure what it meant,
but I immediately got tested.
278
00:12:31,147 --> 00:12:33,814
Yep, Chestnut, pretty soon
you'll be safe and sound,
279
00:12:33,815 --> 00:12:35,616
with a roof over your head,
280
00:12:35,617 --> 00:12:37,318
and you and I
can finally be safe
281
00:12:37,319 --> 00:12:41,622
from the unending torment
of that condom-throwing cat.
282
00:12:41,623 --> 00:12:43,792
All ready
for my second date.
283
00:12:45,293 --> 00:12:48,963
Slut, party of one.
Slut, party of one.
284
00:12:48,964 --> 00:12:50,298
You know it.
285
00:12:50,299 --> 00:12:51,565
Plus, I'm taking him
to that bar
286
00:12:51,566 --> 00:12:53,501
where only cheap girls
go to get laid.
287
00:12:53,502 --> 00:12:55,670
You know,
the one you like.
288
00:12:55,671 --> 00:12:58,139
Oh,
The Just Slip It Inn?
289
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,175
And if that place
plus this outfit
290
00:13:01,176 --> 00:13:02,543
doesn't put his pedal
to my metal,
291
00:13:02,544 --> 00:13:04,211
it's clearly
never happening.
292
00:13:04,212 --> 00:13:07,080
Well, that outfit's sexy,
but not foolproof.
293
00:13:07,081 --> 00:13:10,117
Oh, it's not?
Follow me, please.
294
00:13:13,088 --> 00:13:14,657
Jacob.
295
00:13:16,558 --> 00:13:18,025
And I'm not saying
I'm that hot,
296
00:13:18,026 --> 00:13:19,427
but I've never seen
anybody drop wood
297
00:13:19,428 --> 00:13:21,662
and get wood
at the same time.
298
00:13:22,163 --> 00:13:24,667
Bye, baby, mama's going
to get day-laid.
299
00:13:27,668 --> 00:13:28,769
Hey, Max.
300
00:13:28,770 --> 00:13:29,870
Would it be okay
if we take our shirts off?
301
00:13:29,871 --> 00:13:30,871
We're sweating, and--
302
00:13:30,872 --> 00:13:32,073
Yes.
303
00:13:32,074 --> 00:13:33,507
I mean, that's--
sure, whatever.
304
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:34,978
If you want to.
305
00:13:38,579 --> 00:13:41,282
Oh, crap.
I don't have any ones.
306
00:13:41,783 --> 00:13:43,451
Could you spray me
with that water bottle?
307
00:13:43,952 --> 00:13:46,253
Oh, right.
Oh, I'm going to spray you.
308
00:13:46,254 --> 00:13:48,189
Is that really what you think
is going to happen?
309
00:13:48,190 --> 00:13:50,458
I'm going to spray you, and then
I'm going to get turned on,
310
00:13:50,459 --> 00:13:52,960
and then I'll start spraying
stutter stud over there,
311
00:13:52,961 --> 00:13:54,228
and then we're all
having sex?
312
00:13:54,229 --> 00:13:55,896
No, Max.
I got him.
313
00:13:55,897 --> 00:13:58,202
Here you go, puppies.
314
00:14:01,703 --> 00:14:05,639
Oh, now I wet
the shy one.
315
00:14:07,642 --> 00:14:09,777
Oh, and, boys,
I'm going to need you
316
00:14:09,778 --> 00:14:11,746
to come up here next
and fix something
317
00:14:11,747 --> 00:14:13,714
because it broke.
318
00:14:14,015 --> 00:14:15,382
What's broken?
319
00:14:15,683 --> 00:14:16,920
Uh--
320
00:14:22,157 --> 00:14:23,924
That.
321
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,328
♪ Hot ♪
322
00:14:27,329 --> 00:14:28,562
♪ hot ♪
323
00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:30,131
Look at the couple
behind us.
324
00:14:30,132 --> 00:14:31,265
I mean, save some
for the men's room stall,
325
00:14:31,266 --> 00:14:33,734
am I right?
326
00:14:33,735 --> 00:14:35,269
I'm having
a really good time.
327
00:14:35,270 --> 00:14:36,604
What?
328
00:14:36,605 --> 00:14:40,307
I'm having
a really good time!
329
00:14:40,308 --> 00:14:41,509
I think
we need more drinks.
330
00:14:41,510 --> 00:14:42,943
Would you like
a Jack and coke?
331
00:14:42,944 --> 00:14:44,812
Or maybe just a Jack?
332
00:14:54,122 --> 00:14:56,424
Oh, no, if you're calling me,
then the date's not going well.
333
00:14:56,425 --> 00:14:58,025
I'm not crazy, right?
334
00:14:58,026 --> 00:14:59,927
He did hunt me down and beg me
to go out with him?
335
00:14:59,928 --> 00:15:01,829
Nothing again?
336
00:15:01,830 --> 00:15:03,531
Well, maybe he's not feeling
that place.
337
00:15:03,532 --> 00:15:05,433
Well,
then he's the only one,
338
00:15:05,434 --> 00:15:07,134
'cause it's so horny here,
I'm about to have sex
339
00:15:07,135 --> 00:15:08,769
with the couple
at the next table,
340
00:15:08,770 --> 00:15:11,872
and they're both redheads,
which is so gross.
341
00:15:11,873 --> 00:15:14,341
Hold on a second.
Um, hey, guys?
342
00:15:14,842 --> 00:15:16,544
Yeah?
343
00:15:16,545 --> 00:15:18,679
Perfect, thanks.
344
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,981
I mean, why did
he even ask me out again?
345
00:15:20,982 --> 00:15:22,983
Well, I kind of
might have said something--
346
00:15:22,984 --> 00:15:25,786
Max!
Now I'm even more humiliated.
347
00:15:25,787 --> 00:15:28,122
You forced a gay guy
to go out with me?
348
00:15:28,123 --> 00:15:31,042
Who am I?
The girl with lupus at the prom?
349
00:15:31,543 --> 00:15:33,444
Andy is not gay.
350
00:15:33,745 --> 00:15:35,563
He hasn't said one mean thing
about strangers
351
00:15:35,564 --> 00:15:37,281
while I've been
around him.
352
00:15:37,382 --> 00:15:39,383
Well, then he's paralyzed
from the waist down
353
00:15:39,384 --> 00:15:42,086
and hides it
by walking.
354
00:15:42,087 --> 00:15:44,088
Okay, that's it.
I'm leaving.
355
00:15:44,089 --> 00:15:46,090
No, don't, I'll come there.
Maybe it'll help.
356
00:15:46,091 --> 00:15:48,226
You two were really hot
when I was standing between you.
357
00:15:48,727 --> 00:15:50,928
True.
Okay, and hurry.
358
00:15:51,179 --> 00:15:53,247
I don't want to go home
with the redheads.
359
00:15:53,348 --> 00:15:55,682
Why do they even
let them in here?
360
00:15:55,933 --> 00:15:57,735
Leaving here is probably
a good idea anyway.
361
00:15:57,736 --> 00:15:59,470
If I stay any longer,
I'm going to do something
362
00:15:59,471 --> 00:16:03,140
I'll have to pretend
to regret.
363
00:16:06,444 --> 00:16:07,811
Whoa.
364
00:16:07,812 --> 00:16:10,280
How weird running
into you guys here.
365
00:16:10,281 --> 00:16:14,952
My favorite bar that I come to
all the time just 'cause.
366
00:16:14,953 --> 00:16:17,020
Hi, Andy.
These guys are our friends.
367
00:16:17,021 --> 00:16:18,155
We're Amish.
368
00:16:18,156 --> 00:16:20,424
Awesome band name.
369
00:16:20,425 --> 00:16:21,692
Why did you bring them?
370
00:16:21,693 --> 00:16:23,427
I was afraid
to leave them home.
371
00:16:23,428 --> 00:16:26,964
Sophie was running out of things
to break in her apartment.
372
00:16:26,965 --> 00:16:28,866
So what are
you guys drinking?
373
00:16:28,867 --> 00:16:30,167
Beer.
374
00:16:30,168 --> 00:16:31,368
Shut it, Jacob,
or I will smite thee.
375
00:16:31,369 --> 00:16:33,704
Wait,
uh, I'll go with you.
376
00:16:33,705 --> 00:16:34,938
FYI, I'm leaving
with the redheads
377
00:16:34,939 --> 00:16:36,308
in five minutes.
378
00:16:38,309 --> 00:16:40,444
Hi, can I get a pitcher
of tap, please?
379
00:16:40,945 --> 00:16:42,946
Would you like
to dance, Caroline?
380
00:16:42,947 --> 00:16:46,350
Oh, thank you.
But that is so not my thing.
381
00:16:46,351 --> 00:16:48,519
And besides,
that's not so much a dance floor
382
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,521
as an STD Mosh Pit.
383
00:16:50,522 --> 00:16:52,123
Awesome.
384
00:16:53,124 --> 00:16:54,892
So she called you,
right?
385
00:16:54,893 --> 00:16:57,561
I saw her talking on the phone
using lots of hand gestures.
386
00:16:57,562 --> 00:16:59,463
I figured it was
about how bad the date is.
387
00:16:59,464 --> 00:17:02,633
Okay, I'm going to try and put
this as politely as I can,
388
00:17:02,634 --> 00:17:04,334
but what the hell
is wrong with you?
389
00:17:04,335 --> 00:17:05,469
Make a move.
390
00:17:05,470 --> 00:17:07,571
Max, I really
like her, but...
391
00:17:07,572 --> 00:17:08,705
What is the but?
392
00:17:09,206 --> 00:17:10,641
But she's Caroline Channing.
393
00:17:10,642 --> 00:17:12,876
And you're Andy something.
So?
394
00:17:12,877 --> 00:17:15,646
Yeah, I'm Andy something
who owns a small candy store,
395
00:17:15,647 --> 00:17:17,147
and she was practically
a princess.
396
00:17:17,148 --> 00:17:20,050
Was.
Was a princess.
397
00:17:20,051 --> 00:17:22,252
Now she has five pairs
of underwear
398
00:17:22,253 --> 00:17:24,856
and hasn't done laundry
in eight days.
399
00:17:25,857 --> 00:17:29,092
Max, honestly, I mean,
I use those stupid emojis
400
00:17:29,093 --> 00:17:31,361
to buy time to figure out
what I wanted to say.
401
00:17:31,362 --> 00:17:32,663
That's why emojis exist.
402
00:17:32,664 --> 00:17:34,364
So guys like me
don't have to say,
403
00:17:34,365 --> 00:17:37,267
"I'm not good enough.
I sell gum."
404
00:17:37,268 --> 00:17:40,103
She's the same girl
you met in your candy store.
405
00:17:40,104 --> 00:17:41,738
No, she's not.
406
00:17:41,739 --> 00:17:44,341
That was just a regular,
pretty Williamsburg girl.
407
00:17:44,342 --> 00:17:47,911
Now, she's refined,
rich Caroline Channing.
408
00:17:52,517 --> 00:17:54,518
He thinks
you're rich and refined.
409
00:17:54,519 --> 00:17:57,020
- It's a real boner blocker.
- What?
410
00:17:57,021 --> 00:17:59,089
He found out who you were,
and he's intimidated.
411
00:17:59,090 --> 00:18:00,891
You have to act cheap
and unrefined.
412
00:18:00,892 --> 00:18:02,427
It's the only way.
413
00:18:03,928 --> 00:18:05,262
Here we go.
414
00:18:05,263 --> 00:18:06,463
I also ordered
you guys some nachos.
415
00:18:06,464 --> 00:18:07,965
No jalapenos.
416
00:18:07,966 --> 00:18:09,967
I know
that's the Devil's garnish.
417
00:18:09,968 --> 00:18:11,301
Great, nachos.
418
00:18:11,302 --> 00:18:13,704
They're so low-rent
like me.
419
00:18:13,705 --> 00:18:17,207
But first, I'm going
to chug some draft beer
420
00:18:17,208 --> 00:18:19,144
like I always do.
421
00:18:21,145 --> 00:18:23,615
And now
I'm gonna freak-dance.
422
00:18:24,616 --> 00:18:26,150
Slut, party of one.
423
00:18:27,151 --> 00:18:30,154
Come on, Jacob.
I'm going to tear that ass up.
424
00:18:31,155 --> 00:18:34,157
Y-y-you are?
425
00:18:45,570 --> 00:18:48,705
See?
That's not special at all.
426
00:19:00,585 --> 00:19:01,952
Oh, my God!
427
00:19:01,953 --> 00:19:03,186
Call the paramedics.
428
00:19:03,187 --> 00:19:05,322
I danced an Amish boy
to death.
429
00:19:15,333 --> 00:19:18,268
Look at poor Jacob.
I feel awful.
430
00:19:18,269 --> 00:19:21,271
It was just panic attack
coupled with his first orgasm.
431
00:19:21,272 --> 00:19:23,440
Paramedics said
he'll be fine.
432
00:19:23,941 --> 00:19:25,008
I think
that's what they said.
433
00:19:25,009 --> 00:19:26,710
It was hard to hear
over all their laughing.
434
00:19:30,515 --> 00:19:32,883
More emojis
from Andy.
435
00:19:32,884 --> 00:19:36,687
Christmas tree, fireworks,
Martini glass.
436
00:19:36,688 --> 00:19:38,055
Okay, that's it.
I'm done.
437
00:19:38,456 --> 00:19:39,959
Well, here he comes.
438
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,627
What is this
supposed to mean?
439
00:19:43,628 --> 00:19:45,295
Oh, that?
That means...
440
00:19:51,669 --> 00:19:54,304
I love emojis.
441
00:19:54,305 --> 00:19:57,342
I think my work here
is done.
442
00:19:58,343 --> 00:20:01,311
Max, I'm going to go
with Jacob in that thing
443
00:20:01,312 --> 00:20:02,579
we wouldn't let take
our grandmother.
444
00:20:02,580 --> 00:20:04,915
And I just wanted
to say good-bye
445
00:20:04,916 --> 00:20:06,049
and thank you
for everything.
446
00:20:06,050 --> 00:20:07,851
Well,
you built us a barn,
447
00:20:07,852 --> 00:20:09,720
we almost killed your friend--
I'd say we're even.
448
00:20:09,721 --> 00:20:11,888
Well, Jacob says
he's going to go home,
449
00:20:11,889 --> 00:20:13,190
but I met this girl
in the bar
450
00:20:13,191 --> 00:20:14,925
whose roommate
overdosed yesterday,
451
00:20:14,926 --> 00:20:17,394
so there's a spare room,
and I've decided to stay.
452
00:20:17,895 --> 00:20:19,096
Cool.
453
00:20:19,597 --> 00:20:21,431
So got any words
of wisdom
454
00:20:21,432 --> 00:20:23,233
for a kid trying to make it
in the world?
455
00:20:23,984 --> 00:20:25,902
No, do you?
456
00:20:25,903 --> 00:20:28,772
Look, just know you're going
to struggle for a while.
457
00:20:28,773 --> 00:20:30,040
Someone's going to ask you
what time it is,
458
00:20:30,041 --> 00:20:31,441
and when you look
at your watch,
459
00:20:31,442 --> 00:20:33,577
he's going to put
his penis on you.
460
00:20:33,578 --> 00:20:36,179
But like Dan Savage says,
it gets better.
461
00:20:36,180 --> 00:20:37,748
Although
it hasn't for me,
462
00:20:37,749 --> 00:20:39,950
so maybe that only applies
to questioning teens.
463
00:20:39,951 --> 00:20:42,352
In short, there's really
no point to anything,
464
00:20:42,353 --> 00:20:44,421
but sometimes, you get
to eat candy or have sex,
465
00:20:44,422 --> 00:20:46,225
and that's
when it all feels right.
466
00:20:50,128 --> 00:20:51,596
Oh, no.
467
00:20:53,097 --> 00:20:54,866
Caroline, the cat.
468
00:20:56,867 --> 00:20:58,470
I'm on my own.
Fine.
469
00:21:01,271 --> 00:21:04,241
Oh, no, you bastard,
not tonight.
470
00:21:04,242 --> 00:21:06,476
It is not going down
tonight.
471
00:21:10,214 --> 00:21:11,214
All right,
you win this one.
472
00:21:19,024 --> 00:21:24,023
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com