1
00:00:02,622 --> 00:00:05,157
Oh, yeah, baby.
Oh, take it all!
2
00:00:05,158 --> 00:00:07,059
Oh, oh, no,
you take it, baby.
3
00:00:07,060 --> 00:00:09,061
No, baby,
you take it all!
4
00:00:09,062 --> 00:00:12,998
- Oh, no, you take it, baby.
- No, baby, you take it!
5
00:00:12,999 --> 00:00:15,067
Dear God,
will one of you just take it
6
00:00:15,068 --> 00:00:16,802
and get it over with?
7
00:00:16,803 --> 00:00:19,004
Max, there is no way
you could be sleeping
8
00:00:19,005 --> 00:00:20,572
through Oleg
and Sophie.
9
00:00:25,245 --> 00:00:26,378
Does that actually work?
10
00:00:26,379 --> 00:00:30,315
It does,
with a little help from this.
11
00:00:30,316 --> 00:00:32,951
Gimme.
12
00:00:32,952 --> 00:00:34,086
Whoo!
13
00:00:34,087 --> 00:00:36,288
I was hoping
that'd be fruitier.
14
00:00:36,289 --> 00:00:38,390
I mean, they're here.
15
00:00:38,391 --> 00:00:40,492
They're there.
Then, they're here again.
16
00:00:40,493 --> 00:00:42,895
It's like we're a village
under attack.
17
00:00:42,896 --> 00:00:44,530
Yup, just a matter
of time
18
00:00:44,531 --> 00:00:46,765
till someone sends in
a drone.
19
00:00:47,967 --> 00:00:49,768
And it's not just
that moaning.
20
00:00:49,769 --> 00:00:52,604
I think I heard a big ball
rolling around up there.
21
00:00:52,605 --> 00:00:54,339
If a ball
is rolling around up there,
22
00:00:54,340 --> 00:00:56,141
Oleg should stop
and see a doctor.
23
00:00:57,811 --> 00:01:01,246
This couldn't be
any more intrusive.
24
00:01:01,247 --> 00:01:02,514
Oh!
25
00:01:07,387 --> 00:01:08,587
Uhoh.
26
00:01:10,323 --> 00:01:12,491
Sorry about that.
27
00:01:15,511 --> 00:01:16,878
A bowling ball?
28
00:01:16,879 --> 00:01:19,414
And why do they need
a bowling ball?
29
00:01:19,415 --> 00:01:22,901
Maybe they ran out
of holes.
30
00:01:22,902 --> 00:01:26,672
Have you guys
seen a ball?
31
00:01:26,673 --> 00:01:29,141
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
32
00:01:30,677 --> 00:01:34,313
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
33
00:01:34,314 --> 00:01:39,313
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
34
00:01:43,158 --> 00:01:44,658
Pick up, Max.
35
00:01:44,659 --> 00:01:46,594
And sorry about the hole
in your ceiling.
36
00:01:46,645 --> 00:01:48,512
Oleg, I'm not even
gonna ask you
37
00:01:48,513 --> 00:01:49,947
to keep it
in your pants anymore,
38
00:01:49,948 --> 00:01:53,551
but could you keep it
in your apartment?
39
00:01:56,555 --> 00:01:59,056
- Oh, hey, Sophie.
- Hey, Max.
40
00:01:59,057 --> 00:02:01,492
Oh, spring is in
the air.
41
00:02:01,493 --> 00:02:03,894
This is the time of year
in Poland
42
00:02:03,895 --> 00:02:05,329
when the snow
would melt
43
00:02:05,330 --> 00:02:09,366
and all our dead relatives
would float back to us.
44
00:02:09,367 --> 00:02:11,035
I've never been
to Europe,
45
00:02:11,036 --> 00:02:14,638
but it sounds beautiful.
46
00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:16,674
Max, where is Caroline?
47
00:02:16,675 --> 00:02:18,576
And don't tell me
she's in the ladies' room,
48
00:02:18,577 --> 00:02:20,377
because I already peeked
under all those stalls.
49
00:02:20,378 --> 00:02:22,646
She wasn't there.
50
00:02:22,647 --> 00:02:25,082
But I saw things.
51
00:02:27,018 --> 00:02:31,622
Well, congratulations
on finally seeing those things.
52
00:02:31,623 --> 00:02:33,290
She's 20 minutes late,
and, as the boss,
53
00:02:33,291 --> 00:02:34,625
I will
not have it.
54
00:02:34,626 --> 00:02:37,895
Wow, someone woke up
on the wrong side of his crib.
55
00:02:40,065 --> 00:02:42,299
You're late.
This is unacceptable.
56
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:43,267
Don't mind him.
57
00:02:43,268 --> 00:02:44,802
He just saw
his first vagina,
58
00:02:44,803 --> 00:02:48,539
and he's furious.
59
00:02:48,540 --> 00:02:49,673
Okay, here's the thing.
60
00:02:49,674 --> 00:02:51,709
I had to take a nap
because Oleg and Sophie
61
00:02:51,710 --> 00:02:53,544
were having sex
all night long.
62
00:02:53,545 --> 00:02:54,545
Not true.
63
00:02:54,546 --> 00:02:58,516
We took a break
to watch a porno.
64
00:02:58,517 --> 00:03:00,417
Punctuality
is the number one rule
65
00:03:00,418 --> 00:03:03,020
in my employee handbook,
which I've adorably named
66
00:03:03,021 --> 00:03:04,054
the Han-book.
67
00:03:04,055 --> 00:03:05,356
Relax, Han.
68
00:03:05,357 --> 00:03:06,624
Nobody's gonna die
if I'm not here
69
00:03:06,625 --> 00:03:08,225
to drop off
a tuna melt.
70
00:03:08,226 --> 00:03:11,195
In fact, they're more likely
to die if I do drop it off.
71
00:03:11,196 --> 00:03:13,430
Late, and with an attitude.
72
00:03:13,431 --> 00:03:15,032
You think you're too good
for the diner?
73
00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:17,401
Of course
she thinks that.
74
00:03:17,402 --> 00:03:20,938
I think sourdough bread
is too good for this diner.
75
00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:23,541
Well, what other career option
do you have, Caroline?
76
00:03:23,542 --> 00:03:25,276
Hmm, let's see.
Cupcakes?
77
00:03:25,277 --> 00:03:27,178
No, wait, your shop
didn't last six months.
78
00:03:27,179 --> 00:03:29,213
- Don't go there, Han.
- Oh, I'm already there.
79
00:03:29,214 --> 00:03:32,116
And now I'm back.
80
00:03:32,117 --> 00:03:35,519
Why so moody, Han?
Are you man-struating?
81
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:39,423
Is it that time
of the man-th?
82
00:03:39,424 --> 00:03:41,692
That shop
was our dream, Han,
83
00:03:41,693 --> 00:03:44,595
and this is just
a dumb diner.
84
00:03:44,596 --> 00:03:46,997
- You're fired.
- Ooh! I'm fired?
85
00:03:46,998 --> 00:03:49,166
Max, Han just fired me.
86
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:51,468
You lucky
son of a whore.
87
00:03:51,469 --> 00:03:54,705
I'm serious, Caroline.
You called my diner "dumb."
88
00:03:54,706 --> 00:03:56,907
Well, at least my diner's
still open and successful,
89
00:03:56,908 --> 00:03:59,109
whereas your cupcake shop
was so dumb, it failed.
90
00:03:59,110 --> 00:04:01,612
Ooh, he did not
go there.
91
00:04:01,613 --> 00:04:03,180
I went there,
and then I came back,
92
00:04:03,181 --> 00:04:06,784
and then
I went there again.
93
00:04:06,785 --> 00:04:08,719
You know what?
I don't need this.
94
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,554
Well, actually,
you do kinda need this
95
00:04:10,555 --> 00:04:12,022
'cause we broke.
96
00:04:12,023 --> 00:04:14,792
Broke or not, I don't have
to stand here and take this.
97
00:04:14,793 --> 00:04:17,228
- I quit.
- Oh, really? You quit?
98
00:04:17,229 --> 00:04:18,696
You must be dumber
than my diner
99
00:04:18,697 --> 00:04:21,832
because I already
fired you.
100
00:04:21,833 --> 00:04:24,568
Han, I know you've had it
up to here,
101
00:04:24,569 --> 00:04:28,873
but you need to relax.
102
00:04:35,380 --> 00:04:37,815
Can you believe
Han fired me?
103
00:04:37,816 --> 00:04:39,483
I mean, where does
he get off?
104
00:04:39,484 --> 00:04:44,455
Probably in Buffy
The Vampire Slayer chat rooms.
105
00:04:44,456 --> 00:04:47,591
Have you been standing here
by the door this whole time?
106
00:04:47,592 --> 00:04:49,126
I didn't even pee.
I was afraid I'd miss you.
107
00:04:49,127 --> 00:04:52,329
So, hold on.
108
00:04:52,330 --> 00:04:55,399
So, basically,
you had the same day as a puppy?
109
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,401
Han's lucky
I work there.
110
00:04:57,402 --> 00:05:00,771
I bring class and sophistication
to that place.
111
00:05:00,772 --> 00:05:01,772
There's no toilet paper,
112
00:05:01,773 --> 00:05:04,808
and I just used
the last coffee filter.
113
00:05:04,809 --> 00:05:06,477
You are sophisticatin'
the hell
114
00:05:06,478 --> 00:05:10,147
out of that toilet
right now.
115
00:05:10,148 --> 00:05:11,248
And you know what?
116
00:05:11,249 --> 00:05:13,083
You can tell Han
that the only way
117
00:05:13,084 --> 00:05:16,220
I am ever going back there
is if he apologizes.
118
00:05:16,221 --> 00:05:19,023
Okay, but first,
he wanted me to tell you this.
119
00:05:19,024 --> 00:05:20,391
The only way
you're ever going back there
120
00:05:20,392 --> 00:05:22,126
is if you apologize.
121
00:05:22,127 --> 00:05:24,929
Well, an apology from me
is not happening.
122
00:05:27,165 --> 00:05:29,667
Oh, yeah, baby.
Ooh, take it all.
123
00:05:29,668 --> 00:05:31,335
Oh, oh, no,
you take it, baby.
124
00:05:31,336 --> 00:05:32,636
Oh, baby--
125
00:05:32,637 --> 00:05:36,106
And that is not happening
again tonight either.
126
00:05:41,546 --> 00:05:44,648
Again?
That could've hit us.
127
00:05:44,649 --> 00:05:47,718
Now, that's unsafe sex.
128
00:05:49,454 --> 00:05:50,821
I think it's pretty neighborly
of us
129
00:05:50,822 --> 00:05:53,624
to return someone's
sex bowling ball.
130
00:05:53,625 --> 00:05:56,026
You know we have to bury
those mitts now.
131
00:05:56,027 --> 00:05:57,394
And we have to tell them
to stop
132
00:05:57,395 --> 00:05:59,396
whatever it is
they're doing up here.
133
00:05:59,397 --> 00:06:02,099
Probably a 7-10 split.
134
00:06:03,969 --> 00:06:05,803
And now
they're not making noise.
135
00:06:05,804 --> 00:06:07,104
It's like when you go
to the zoo,
136
00:06:07,105 --> 00:06:10,107
and the lion
goes inside.
137
00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:11,508
It's Max
and Caroline.
138
00:06:11,509 --> 00:06:15,312
Your ball came
into our yard again.
139
00:06:16,548 --> 00:06:19,083
Hi.
Yeah, it's not a good time.
140
00:06:19,084 --> 00:06:20,384
Uh, we're role-playing,
141
00:06:20,385 --> 00:06:23,887
and, obviously,
I'm Beyonce.
142
00:06:23,888 --> 00:06:26,657
♪ Uh, oh, uh, oh,
uh, oh, oh, oh ♪
143
00:06:26,658 --> 00:06:29,560
Yeah.
Hey, Jay Z?
144
00:06:29,561 --> 00:06:32,262
Look at all
the single ladies.
145
00:06:32,263 --> 00:06:33,297
Oh, yeah, baby.
146
00:06:33,298 --> 00:06:35,332
Jay Z and I
have a lot in common.
147
00:06:35,333 --> 00:06:36,800
He bought
the Brooklyn Nets.
148
00:06:36,801 --> 00:06:40,337
I bought my hairnets
in Brooklyn.
149
00:06:40,338 --> 00:06:42,906
I'm not surprised
that you're Jay Z and Beyonce,
150
00:06:42,907 --> 00:06:46,176
but I am kinda surprised
that they bowl.
151
00:06:46,177 --> 00:06:47,411
Where should
I put this?
152
00:06:47,412 --> 00:06:49,980
Oh, well, I'll tell you
what I told him.
153
00:06:49,981 --> 00:06:53,884
Put it anywhere
you want.
154
00:06:59,591 --> 00:07:02,960
So that's basically our ball
at this point.
155
00:07:02,961 --> 00:07:05,195
Look, you two may be
crazy in love,
156
00:07:05,196 --> 00:07:07,231
but your love
is driving us crazy.
157
00:07:09,034 --> 00:07:10,634
Crazy in love?
158
00:07:10,635 --> 00:07:13,237
Oh, come on.
We're not in love.
159
00:07:13,238 --> 00:07:16,040
Oleg and I
are just shtup buddies.
160
00:07:16,041 --> 00:07:17,775
Shtup buddies?
161
00:07:17,776 --> 00:07:19,343
I wouldn't say
that's all we are.
162
00:07:19,344 --> 00:07:20,544
Oh, no,
you're right.
163
00:07:20,545 --> 00:07:25,482
We also share
a CVS points reward card.
164
00:07:25,483 --> 00:07:29,887
Is it really a reward
if it comes from CVS?
165
00:07:29,888 --> 00:07:32,489
Can't you two ever do it
over at Oleg's apartment?
166
00:07:32,490 --> 00:07:35,125
Or are all
the lanes reserved?
167
00:07:35,126 --> 00:07:37,194
I have no idea
where he lives.
168
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:39,496
Wait, you've never been
to Oleg's apartment?
169
00:07:39,497 --> 00:07:42,399
No, with my busy
work schedule,
170
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:43,500
I don't have the time
to get
171
00:07:43,501 --> 00:07:45,803
the battery of shots
that I would need.
172
00:07:45,804 --> 00:07:48,105
Hey.
Hey, hey.
173
00:07:48,106 --> 00:07:50,207
You'd be surprised
by my apartment, Sophie.
174
00:07:50,208 --> 00:07:54,211
It's more than just the place
the quadruple orgasm was born.
175
00:07:55,847 --> 00:07:58,582
Yeah, well,
that sounds nice.
176
00:07:58,583 --> 00:08:01,018
Oh, yes.
Beyonc--
177
00:08:01,019 --> 00:08:02,653
Uh-oh.
178
00:08:02,654 --> 00:08:04,221
Yeah.
179
00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:06,523
Um, Beyonce's hair
just fell out.
180
00:08:06,524 --> 00:08:09,993
I gotta go get
my hot glue gun.
181
00:08:09,994 --> 00:08:13,130
♪ Uh, oh, uh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
182
00:08:13,131 --> 00:08:15,632
♪ uh, oh, uh, oh,
uh, oh, oh, oh ♪
183
00:08:15,633 --> 00:08:19,203
Girls, I may have oversold
my apartment.
184
00:08:19,204 --> 00:08:21,505
What, by saying she won't need
to get shots?
185
00:08:21,506 --> 00:08:24,308
Yes.
186
00:08:24,309 --> 00:08:26,844
Maybe you two could help me
fix it up a little,
187
00:08:26,845 --> 00:08:28,112
give it
a feminine touch.
188
00:08:28,113 --> 00:08:30,314
Well, I'm out.
189
00:08:30,315 --> 00:08:31,748
You know what?
I'll do it.
190
00:08:31,749 --> 00:08:33,183
But I'm very recently
out of work,
191
00:08:33,184 --> 00:08:34,685
so I'm gonna have
to charge you.
192
00:08:34,686 --> 00:08:36,019
If you didn't,
you'd be the only girl
193
00:08:36,020 --> 00:08:38,989
who ever went to his apartment
without getting paid.
194
00:08:38,990 --> 00:08:41,458
You got a deal.
195
00:08:47,851 --> 00:08:48,984
Oleg's apartment's
this way.
196
00:08:48,985 --> 00:08:51,486
I can smell
the axe body spray.
197
00:08:51,737 --> 00:08:52,737
I'll just throw a couple
of these pillows around,
198
00:08:52,738 --> 00:08:54,339
and then we'll be gone.
199
00:08:54,340 --> 00:08:56,842
I can't believe I'm walking up
to Oleg's apartment.
200
00:08:56,843 --> 00:08:58,577
I always thought
I'd be dragged here unconscious
201
00:08:58,578 --> 00:09:02,314
with electrical tape
over my mouth.
202
00:09:02,315 --> 00:09:03,648
Afternoon, ladies.
203
00:09:03,649 --> 00:09:06,017
This is
where the magic happens.
204
00:09:06,018 --> 00:09:09,921
Well, I'm sure you've made
some women disappear here.
205
00:09:11,824 --> 00:09:13,992
Okay.
206
00:09:13,993 --> 00:09:15,527
Just off the top
of my head,
207
00:09:15,528 --> 00:09:19,364
I think we're gonna need
a couple more pillows.
208
00:09:19,365 --> 00:09:20,765
If you keep your apartment
like this,
209
00:09:20,766 --> 00:09:23,835
do you get to pay
1980s rent prices?
210
00:09:23,836 --> 00:09:25,570
You haven't even seen
the best part yet.
211
00:09:25,571 --> 00:09:26,738
Look.
212
00:09:30,243 --> 00:09:33,245
Goin' up the stairway
to heaven, baby.
213
00:09:33,246 --> 00:09:35,647
Oh, yeah.
214
00:09:35,648 --> 00:09:38,416
There it is.
That's my bed.
215
00:09:38,417 --> 00:09:41,853
Where are we?
Studio 69?
216
00:09:41,854 --> 00:09:44,156
That's 1,500 tracer bulbs.
217
00:09:44,157 --> 00:09:45,157
I tore most
of them out
218
00:09:45,158 --> 00:09:49,161
of the new Cineplex 14
in Queens.
219
00:09:49,162 --> 00:09:51,229
First of all,
I am smelling something
220
00:09:51,230 --> 00:09:54,533
that can only be described
as anti-antiperspirant.
221
00:09:54,534 --> 00:09:56,434
And, secondly...
222
00:09:57,436 --> 00:09:59,371
No woman wants to walk
into this.
223
00:09:59,372 --> 00:10:02,941
According to this,
685 already have.
224
00:10:02,942 --> 00:10:05,043
Actually, it's 1,685.
225
00:10:05,044 --> 00:10:08,513
After a thousand,
the counter resets.
226
00:10:08,514 --> 00:10:09,915
Look, if you don't
want Sophie to feel
227
00:10:09,916 --> 00:10:11,616
like she's next in line
at the DMV...
228
00:10:11,617 --> 00:10:14,219
More like the S-T-D-MV.
229
00:10:14,220 --> 00:10:16,955
Then we have a lot
of work to do.
230
00:10:16,956 --> 00:10:19,457
Okay.
Make it look romantic.
231
00:10:19,458 --> 00:10:21,927
When she comes in,
I want her to feel special,
232
00:10:21,928 --> 00:10:26,064
like she's the only woman
that's ever been here today.
233
00:10:26,065 --> 00:10:29,000
Let's just sit down
and talk about this.
234
00:10:29,001 --> 00:10:32,270
Oh, my God.
Max, is she dead?
235
00:10:32,271 --> 00:10:33,972
No.
She's Alexis.
236
00:10:33,973 --> 00:10:37,075
You have one of those
anatomically-correct real dolls!
237
00:10:37,076 --> 00:10:39,244
It's rare to see one
without a short, fat man
238
00:10:39,245 --> 00:10:41,513
standing next to it
with a button penis.
239
00:10:41,514 --> 00:10:43,548
They sell for $6,000,
240
00:10:43,549 --> 00:10:45,317
but I got her
for half off.
241
00:10:45,318 --> 00:10:47,953
She was
previously loved.
242
00:10:47,954 --> 00:10:49,421
Max, you are not
doing that.
243
00:10:49,422 --> 00:10:50,789
The hell I'm not.
244
00:10:50,790 --> 00:10:52,424
This is my one chance
to see a woman naked
245
00:10:52,425 --> 00:10:56,428
without having
to spoon her after.
246
00:10:56,429 --> 00:10:58,997
Respect.
247
00:10:58,998 --> 00:11:02,567
Well, you've made a lot
of strong choices here,
248
00:11:02,568 --> 00:11:04,703
but I'm not sure
they're all working together.
249
00:11:04,704 --> 00:11:08,139
For example, that sex swing
is fighting the goat.
250
00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:09,741
Now, why don't we start
by you going
251
00:11:09,742 --> 00:11:10,909
and getting us
some rubber gloves?
252
00:11:10,910 --> 00:11:13,111
Lots of them,
and the strongest bleach
253
00:11:13,112 --> 00:11:14,579
and soap products
you can find.
254
00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:16,214
Oh, and a Hazmat suit.
255
00:11:16,215 --> 00:11:18,316
Don't worry about the size.
I can belt it.
256
00:11:18,317 --> 00:11:20,585
But you're gonna keep
my good stuff, right?
257
00:11:20,586 --> 00:11:23,455
If I see any,
I'll consider it. Go.
258
00:11:23,456 --> 00:11:25,323
What are you going to do
with Alexis?
259
00:11:25,824 --> 00:11:28,026
Rehab, and then
a women's shelter in Montana.
260
00:11:28,027 --> 00:11:30,395
Go!
261
00:11:30,396 --> 00:11:32,330
I've got a lot of work
to do.
262
00:11:32,331 --> 00:11:33,632
But first...
263
00:11:37,003 --> 00:11:39,438
And I do it.
And I do it.
264
00:11:40,939 --> 00:11:43,008
Can you please
turn that off, Max?
265
00:11:43,009 --> 00:11:45,377
I'm starting to feel
a little dizzy...
266
00:11:46,445 --> 00:11:47,646
And I can't fall
on the floor,
267
00:11:47,647 --> 00:11:49,681
'cause I might stick
to it.
268
00:11:49,682 --> 00:11:51,149
You don't have
to do this!
269
00:11:51,150 --> 00:11:52,751
Just call Han
and apologize,
270
00:11:52,752 --> 00:11:55,587
and we can get outta here
before the syphilis sets in.
271
00:11:55,588 --> 00:11:58,256
No, he said some really
hurtful things to me,
272
00:11:58,257 --> 00:12:00,825
and I'd rather stay here
and work for Oleg and Alexis.
273
00:12:00,826 --> 00:12:02,560
At least
I'll have my dignity.
274
00:12:02,561 --> 00:12:04,396
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go climb
275
00:12:04,397 --> 00:12:07,632
the sperm-ship Enterprise.
276
00:12:07,633 --> 00:12:08,833
Let me just get
these curtains open
277
00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:10,101
so I can see better.
278
00:12:10,102 --> 00:12:14,472
Seeing better?
Is that the way to go?
279
00:12:14,473 --> 00:12:15,540
Oh.
280
00:12:15,541 --> 00:12:18,743
I'm walking
on a water bed.
281
00:12:18,744 --> 00:12:20,345
This is harder
than it looks.
282
00:12:20,346 --> 00:12:23,515
How many times
has that been said on this bed?
283
00:12:25,217 --> 00:12:26,885
Oh, my heel!
284
00:12:32,091 --> 00:12:34,959
I swallowed!
I accidentally swallowed.
285
00:12:36,595 --> 00:12:39,597
You know
that's been said.
286
00:12:43,936 --> 00:12:45,537
Max, we got a problem.
287
00:12:45,538 --> 00:12:46,971
See that girl?
288
00:12:46,972 --> 00:12:48,306
Oh, what?
The usual drill?
289
00:12:48,307 --> 00:12:51,443
You hold her arms, and I
punch her till she tips 20%?
290
00:12:51,444 --> 00:12:55,213
As much as I enjoy that
when we do it, no.
291
00:12:55,214 --> 00:12:58,283
She's here to apply
for Caroline's job.
292
00:12:58,284 --> 00:12:59,484
What?
293
00:12:59,485 --> 00:13:01,252
Han's really going through
with this?
294
00:13:01,253 --> 00:13:02,420
I thought
it was all talk,
295
00:13:02,421 --> 00:13:05,490
like when a Chihuahua
barks at a big dog.
296
00:13:05,491 --> 00:13:07,025
Me too.
I thought it would blow over.
297
00:13:07,026 --> 00:13:09,728
You know, like Han did
in the wind that time?
298
00:13:09,729 --> 00:13:11,029
But, no,
he is serious.
299
00:13:11,030 --> 00:13:14,332
No way.
I got this.
300
00:13:14,333 --> 00:13:15,900
Hi, is that your resume?
301
00:13:15,901 --> 00:13:18,269
Let's take
a little look-see.
302
00:13:18,270 --> 00:13:19,704
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
303
00:13:19,705 --> 00:13:21,239
Oh, you worked there?
Cool.
304
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:22,707
Yep.
I'm a very hard worker.
305
00:13:22,708 --> 00:13:24,142
Good.
Can you block a punch?
306
00:13:24,143 --> 00:13:26,344
'Cause the owner hits us.
307
00:13:26,345 --> 00:13:27,445
He broke my femur.
308
00:13:27,446 --> 00:13:29,547
When I complained,
he broke the other one.
309
00:13:29,548 --> 00:13:32,817
Run before he sees me
talking to you.
310
00:13:32,818 --> 00:13:35,186
Earl, I gotta get Han
and Caroline to make up.
311
00:13:35,187 --> 00:13:36,721
I don't have access
to the pills I need
312
00:13:36,722 --> 00:13:38,490
to keep working here
without her.
313
00:13:38,491 --> 00:13:40,191
Any advice or pills?
314
00:13:40,192 --> 00:13:41,526
Well, let's see.
315
00:13:41,527 --> 00:13:43,762
We are kind of like
a family here,
316
00:13:43,763 --> 00:13:48,500
except I can see you
unsupervised on the weekends.
317
00:13:48,501 --> 00:13:49,968
And you didn't use
my college fund
318
00:13:49,969 --> 00:13:52,937
to buy a married man
a Corvette.
319
00:13:52,938 --> 00:13:55,206
And in my family,
when my kids would fight,
320
00:13:55,207 --> 00:13:57,575
I tried to get them
to talk to each other,
321
00:13:57,576 --> 00:13:59,444
because honesty
is key.
322
00:13:59,445 --> 00:14:02,113
But if that didn't work,
I'd lie to their faces--
323
00:14:02,114 --> 00:14:03,415
lock them in their room
and tell them
324
00:14:03,416 --> 00:14:06,651
that the other one
had three weeks to live.
325
00:14:06,652 --> 00:14:10,355
You know, what used to be known
as good parenting.
326
00:14:10,356 --> 00:14:13,057
Max, I've got 12
overqualified candidates
327
00:14:13,058 --> 00:14:15,293
coming in for
the waitress position today.
328
00:14:15,294 --> 00:14:18,296
Thank you,
crumbling economy!
329
00:14:18,297 --> 00:14:20,365
You know, Han,
here at this diner,
330
00:14:20,366 --> 00:14:22,300
we're kind of like
a little family, and--
331
00:14:22,301 --> 00:14:23,334
oh, I can't do this.
332
00:14:23,335 --> 00:14:25,637
Caroline has three weeks
left to live.
333
00:14:25,638 --> 00:14:27,238
I'm serious.
She drank Oleg's water bed.
334
00:14:27,239 --> 00:14:28,873
It's just a matter
of time.
335
00:14:28,874 --> 00:14:30,208
Nice try, Max.
336
00:14:30,209 --> 00:14:31,943
I'm not going
to give her back her job.
337
00:14:31,944 --> 00:14:34,746
She should've checked herself
before she wrecked herself.
338
00:14:34,747 --> 00:14:36,848
Come on.
Hire her back.
339
00:14:36,849 --> 00:14:38,082
Be the bigger man.
340
00:14:38,083 --> 00:14:40,118
And note,
I did not make a short joke,
341
00:14:40,119 --> 00:14:41,653
because this
is important,
342
00:14:41,654 --> 00:14:43,154
and also because I'm still
working on something
343
00:14:43,155 --> 00:14:45,056
with Peter Dinklage's name.
344
00:14:45,057 --> 00:14:48,293
No way, Max.
I am holding firm.
345
00:14:48,294 --> 00:14:51,162
You know, firm Han
is kinda hot.
346
00:14:51,163 --> 00:14:52,230
- He is?
- Yeah.
347
00:14:52,231 --> 00:14:53,665
I'm kinda feeling
firm Han.
348
00:14:53,666 --> 00:14:55,800
I have no interest
in feeling the firm part,
349
00:14:55,801 --> 00:14:58,136
but I'll hang out
with the rest.
350
00:14:58,137 --> 00:14:59,637
You want to hang out
with me?
351
00:14:59,638 --> 00:15:01,239
I'm generally free
mondays through Fridays,
352
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:02,240
mornings and evenings,
353
00:15:02,241 --> 00:15:05,343
and my weekends
are wide open.
354
00:15:05,344 --> 00:15:06,778
I may have a wedding
to go to in June, but--
355
00:15:06,779 --> 00:15:08,313
Breathe.
356
00:15:08,314 --> 00:15:09,380
Come over tomorrow.
357
00:15:09,381 --> 00:15:10,682
Caroline
will be at Oleg's.
358
00:15:10,683 --> 00:15:12,150
We can get stoned
and watch a movie.
359
00:15:12,151 --> 00:15:13,751
The last time
I was stoned
360
00:15:13,752 --> 00:15:17,555
was from a contact high
I got at a concert.
361
00:15:17,556 --> 00:15:20,625
Well, those wiggle shows
do get crazy.
362
00:15:28,829 --> 00:15:29,863
Look at us, Max,
363
00:15:29,864 --> 00:15:31,531
hanging outside of work
at your place
364
00:15:31,532 --> 00:15:33,466
like a couple of homeys.
365
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:35,969
Yeah,
and where is my homey?
366
00:15:35,970 --> 00:15:39,672
Oh, it's this way.
I can smell the axe body spray.
367
00:15:39,673 --> 00:15:41,374
Now, what movie
should we watch?
368
00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:43,676
I brought Shrek,
Shrek 2, Shrek 3,
369
00:15:43,677 --> 00:15:48,481
Shrek 3-D, and that
Cameron Diaz cancer movie.
370
00:15:48,482 --> 00:15:51,451
Is there one
where Shrek has cancer?
371
00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:55,422
Wow.
This is completely--
372
00:15:55,423 --> 00:15:59,592
the same place
I always live at.
373
00:15:59,593 --> 00:16:01,027
Max, it's so pretty.
374
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:02,495
I thought your place
would have furniture
375
00:16:02,496 --> 00:16:05,598
made out of razor blades
or something.
376
00:16:05,599 --> 00:16:08,968
I wish.
That sounds bitchin'.
377
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:10,370
What are you guys
doing here?
378
00:16:10,371 --> 00:16:12,372
What is Caroline
doing here?
379
00:16:12,373 --> 00:16:13,840
You said she was going to be
at Oleg's.
380
00:16:13,841 --> 00:16:15,241
I am at Oleg's.
381
00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,944
You guys live with Oleg?
382
00:16:17,945 --> 00:16:20,146
You told him
this was our apartment?
383
00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:22,749
As a wise person
once told me, sometimes,
384
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:24,751
you gotta lie
to keep your family together.
385
00:16:24,752 --> 00:16:26,186
I'm not letting
anyone leave
386
00:16:26,187 --> 00:16:27,620
until you talk
to each other.
387
00:16:27,621 --> 00:16:31,257
I don't understand.
Are we not smoking weed?
388
00:16:33,794 --> 00:16:36,429
Oh, I already did.
389
00:16:36,430 --> 00:16:37,697
I don't know
what his problem is.
390
00:16:37,698 --> 00:16:40,033
He fired me for missing
20 minutes of work.
391
00:16:40,034 --> 00:16:43,603
Why doesn't he fire himself
for missing puberty?
392
00:16:43,604 --> 00:16:44,771
Let it go, Han.
393
00:16:44,772 --> 00:16:48,241
She spent her morning
dusting a strap-on.
394
00:16:48,242 --> 00:16:49,876
I didn't fire you
because you were late.
395
00:16:49,877 --> 00:16:52,112
I fired you because you
crapped all over the diner,
396
00:16:52,113 --> 00:16:54,214
and you forgot that diner
lifted you up
397
00:16:54,215 --> 00:16:55,215
when you had nothing.
398
00:16:55,216 --> 00:16:56,616
Well, I lifted you up
399
00:16:56,617 --> 00:16:59,519
when you couldn't reach
the canned corn.
400
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,689
So, we're even.
Fight over.
401
00:17:02,690 --> 00:17:06,426
What the hell did you do
to my apartment?
402
00:17:06,427 --> 00:17:10,930
It looks like you could film
a douche commercial in here.
403
00:17:12,333 --> 00:17:15,235
Oleg, this is what
you asked for: Romantic.
404
00:17:15,236 --> 00:17:16,402
Romantic?
405
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:18,605
My place went from
Fifty Shades of Grey
406
00:17:18,606 --> 00:17:22,475
to fifty shades
of beige.
407
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:25,378
Where's my sex swing?
Where's my sex chair?
408
00:17:25,379 --> 00:17:26,646
Where's my poster
that says,
409
00:17:26,647 --> 00:17:29,582
"Poke her in the front,
lick her in the back"?
410
00:17:29,583 --> 00:17:31,017
Oleg, relax.
411
00:17:31,018 --> 00:17:33,253
All your stuff's either
in the basement or the closet.
412
00:17:33,254 --> 00:17:35,121
And I think would know more
about what a woman
413
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,789
would like to come home to
than a man
414
00:17:36,790 --> 00:17:39,526
whose last girlfriend
was made in the Philippines.
415
00:17:41,095 --> 00:17:42,362
It's me!
416
00:17:42,363 --> 00:17:44,731
Hide your kids!
Hide your wife!
417
00:17:44,732 --> 00:17:46,199
Sophie!
She can't know you're here.
418
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,401
Go, go,
all of you.
419
00:17:48,402 --> 00:17:50,336
Han!
Get in the closet!
420
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:52,705
Putting a guy who's
in the closet in the closet?
421
00:17:52,706 --> 00:17:54,474
That's like gay
nesting dolls.
422
00:17:54,475 --> 00:17:58,411
I'm not gay.
I'm a metrosexual.
423
00:18:00,581 --> 00:18:03,449
This is where
the magic happens?
424
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,385
Oh.
425
00:18:05,386 --> 00:18:08,188
Oh, no.
426
00:18:08,189 --> 00:18:11,991
Do you live
with your mother?
427
00:18:11,992 --> 00:18:13,693
What?
You don't like?
428
00:18:13,694 --> 00:18:16,062
I thought you would enjoy
the girl's touch.
429
00:18:16,063 --> 00:18:18,131
What girls?
430
00:18:18,132 --> 00:18:22,502
The Golden Girls?
431
00:18:22,503 --> 00:18:24,037
Sophie hates it.
432
00:18:24,038 --> 00:18:26,606
I should've just thrown
a boiled ham on the bed.
433
00:18:26,607 --> 00:18:27,840
Oh, no.
434
00:18:27,841 --> 00:18:29,776
My hair's stuck
in Oleg's clothes.
435
00:18:29,777 --> 00:18:31,844
Please don't let it be
a pant zipper.
436
00:18:31,845 --> 00:18:34,247
Oh.
437
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,822
Han, Alexis.
Alexis, Han.
438
00:18:42,823 --> 00:18:44,924
Ew, take it away
from me.
439
00:18:44,925 --> 00:18:49,062
It's so heavy--
Oh, no, oh, no.
440
00:18:49,063 --> 00:18:50,396
Help.
Get her off of me.
441
00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:52,232
Why?
You're finally getting some.
442
00:18:52,933 --> 00:18:54,468
Take it... take it!
443
00:18:54,533 --> 00:18:55,768
I got it, I got it..
444
00:18:56,003 --> 00:18:58,768
Oh... Oh...
Oh... Whoa....
445
00:19:00,608 --> 00:19:05,111
Look! Han's fallen
and he can't get it up!
446
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:09,082
What the hell
is going on here?
447
00:19:09,083 --> 00:19:13,519
I mean, this is freaky
even for me.
448
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,521
Sophie, I can explain.
449
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:17,991
I hired Caroline
to redo my apartment
450
00:19:17,992 --> 00:19:20,026
so it wouldn't be
the dirty bachelor pad
451
00:19:20,027 --> 00:19:21,794
you were expecting.
452
00:19:21,795 --> 00:19:24,897
But you are the dirty bachelor
that I'm expecting.
453
00:19:24,898 --> 00:19:26,366
And why would you
hire Caroline?
454
00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:28,668
She doesn't know
about sexy stuff.
455
00:19:28,669 --> 00:19:29,869
She couldn't even figure out
what we do
456
00:19:29,870 --> 00:19:32,472
with the bowling ball.
457
00:19:32,473 --> 00:19:35,008
Sophie, you should've seen
what was in here.
458
00:19:35,009 --> 00:19:37,777
I mean, he had this
anatomically correct real doll
459
00:19:37,778 --> 00:19:39,479
he named Alexis.
460
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:44,083
Yeah, well,
she's very pretty.
461
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,786
He had a sex swing.
462
00:19:46,787 --> 00:19:50,056
Ooh, a sex swing.
463
00:19:50,057 --> 00:19:51,291
What are you
gonna tell me now?
464
00:19:51,292 --> 00:19:53,059
That he had a water bed?
465
00:19:53,060 --> 00:19:54,060
I did.
466
00:19:54,061 --> 00:19:55,962
It had
1,500 tracer bulbs.
467
00:19:55,963 --> 00:19:58,164
It was hot.
468
00:19:58,165 --> 00:20:00,033
Well, who has it now?
469
00:20:00,034 --> 00:20:02,902
I wanna be with him.
470
00:20:02,903 --> 00:20:05,405
Oh, hell, I'm tired
of all this role-playing,
471
00:20:05,406 --> 00:20:06,739
so I'm just going
to say it.
472
00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:10,276
Sophie,
I am in love with you.
473
00:20:12,813 --> 00:20:15,515
Oh.
474
00:20:15,516 --> 00:20:18,217
Well, I haven't
said this to a man
475
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:21,821
in a very long time,
476
00:20:21,822 --> 00:20:26,559
but I like you
a little bit.
477
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,594
I don't know what
she's talking about, Caroline.
478
00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:30,196
I think it's pretty.
479
00:20:30,197 --> 00:20:32,165
You make
everything prettier,
480
00:20:32,166 --> 00:20:35,068
even the dumb diner.
481
00:20:35,069 --> 00:20:37,303
Your diner's not dumb.
482
00:20:37,304 --> 00:20:38,538
I miss the diner.
483
00:20:38,539 --> 00:20:40,073
And it misses you.
484
00:20:40,074 --> 00:20:42,508
You can have
your job back.
485
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:44,644
Is it just 'cause I'm stoned,
or did anyone else
486
00:20:44,645 --> 00:20:48,147
feel that deep connection
between them?
487
00:20:48,148 --> 00:20:50,583
Could you all leave?
488
00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:53,586
I wanna be alone
with Oleg...
489
00:20:53,587 --> 00:20:57,857
And Alexis.
490
00:20:57,858 --> 00:21:00,860
Now are we going
to smoke weed?
491
00:21:00,861 --> 00:21:02,862
Yeah, I'm dying
to see you high.
492
00:21:02,863 --> 00:21:05,966
Well, as high
as you can get.
493
00:21:06,569 --> 00:21:11,370
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com