1
00:00:01,844 --> 00:00:03,411
Whoever tipped me
in Monopoly money
2
00:00:03,412 --> 00:00:05,547
can go directly to jail.
3
00:00:06,548 --> 00:00:07,949
A dollar?
4
00:00:07,950 --> 00:00:10,985
Fake money
and they're still under-tipping.
5
00:00:16,724 --> 00:00:18,159
Oh, look.
I love it when people
6
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:21,930
dress Guinea pigs up
in adorable costumes.
7
00:00:21,931 --> 00:00:23,831
Han, you look like Babe Ruth.
8
00:00:24,082 --> 00:00:27,451
Well, baby Ruth.
9
00:00:27,452 --> 00:00:29,787
Maybe you two
can kiss my sweet ass,
10
00:00:29,788 --> 00:00:33,224
because this outfit's
a home run.
11
00:00:33,225 --> 00:00:35,860
I'm putting a team together
for the restaurant league.
12
00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:38,496
Well, Han, I would play,
but you know,
13
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:39,797
I've got this hip thing,
14
00:00:39,798 --> 00:00:42,366
meaning, I'm too hip.
15
00:00:42,767 --> 00:00:43,901
What about you two?
16
00:00:43,902 --> 00:00:46,103
I'm telling you,
I'm a great ball player.
17
00:00:46,204 --> 00:00:48,306
No,
I'm a great ball player.
18
00:00:48,307 --> 00:00:52,276
I know how to cup and tickle
mine at the same time.
19
00:00:52,777 --> 00:00:56,213
I'm talking about America's
favorite pastime.
20
00:00:56,214 --> 00:00:58,716
Oh, so am I.
21
00:01:01,553 --> 00:01:03,821
Well, I'm in.
I have a really good arm.
22
00:01:03,822 --> 00:01:06,824
Go over there, Han.
Let's have a little catch.
23
00:01:06,825 --> 00:01:09,727
All right, here we go.
All right.
24
00:01:09,728 --> 00:01:12,763
Go deep.
Go deeper, Han.
25
00:01:12,764 --> 00:01:18,235
A phrase no other woman
will ever say to him.
26
00:01:18,236 --> 00:01:21,439
Throw it, and don't be afraid
to bring the heat.
27
00:01:23,976 --> 00:01:27,178
Ooh!
28
00:01:27,179 --> 00:01:29,413
Too much heat.
29
00:01:29,414 --> 00:01:33,150
Ball one... and two.
Game over.
30
00:01:33,451 --> 00:01:37,722
I seem to have forgotten
a crucial part of my uniform.
31
00:01:38,123 --> 00:01:40,458
Need a cup, Han?
32
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,995
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
33
00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:49,967
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
34
00:01:49,992 --> 00:01:53,992
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
35
00:01:58,041 --> 00:01:59,475
You ladies
can wait in here.
36
00:01:59,476 --> 00:02:02,812
Brian, before my father
comes in, how are his spirits?
37
00:02:02,813 --> 00:02:03,813
You know,
for someone who's looking
38
00:02:03,814 --> 00:02:06,249
at 60 to 100 years
in prison?
39
00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:08,084
Pretty good.
40
00:02:08,085 --> 00:02:09,619
I'll bring him right in.
41
00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:11,921
Hey, Bri,
anyone get killed today?
42
00:02:11,922 --> 00:02:14,657
You ask me that every time,
Max, and every time I tell you,
43
00:02:14,658 --> 00:02:16,492
it's a white collar prison.
44
00:02:16,493 --> 00:02:20,530
Got it. Anyone get shanked
with a Mont Blanc pen?
45
00:02:21,031 --> 00:02:22,765
Yo, B, one more thing.
46
00:02:22,766 --> 00:02:24,734
On Lock Up: Raw,
they always spray the guards
47
00:02:24,735 --> 00:02:26,435
with a mixture of urine
and feces, so--
48
00:02:26,436 --> 00:02:29,472
Max, please, can we go one day
without you mentioning that?
49
00:02:29,973 --> 00:02:31,607
I wonder why my dad
wanted us
50
00:02:31,608 --> 00:02:33,309
to rush out here
and see him today.
51
00:02:33,310 --> 00:02:35,044
He probably wants
a conjugal visit.
52
00:02:35,045 --> 00:02:36,846
- Max!
- Relax!
53
00:02:36,847 --> 00:02:38,249
With me.
54
00:02:40,750 --> 00:02:42,885
There they are,
the light of my life
55
00:02:42,886 --> 00:02:44,587
- and her bouncer.
- Hi, Daddy.
56
00:02:44,588 --> 00:02:47,423
Hey.
Max.
57
00:02:47,424 --> 00:02:49,892
Oh, we startin' this?
No foreplay?
58
00:02:49,893 --> 00:02:53,462
Oh.
59
00:02:53,463 --> 00:02:56,599
Listen, I'm sorry to make you
come all the way out here
60
00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:02,205
on the--God help me--subway,
but I actually need a favor.
61
00:03:03,173 --> 00:03:06,709
Help me break out.
62
00:03:06,710 --> 00:03:08,110
I'm kidding.
63
00:03:08,111 --> 00:03:10,279
Daddy, it's so amazing
you can joke,
64
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,814
but maybe not around Max.
65
00:03:11,815 --> 00:03:13,716
She's already offered
to skin a guard alive
66
00:03:13,717 --> 00:03:15,785
and walk you out of here
wearing him.
67
00:03:15,786 --> 00:03:18,788
Well, we know it works.
68
00:03:18,789 --> 00:03:19,855
All right, listen.
69
00:03:19,856 --> 00:03:21,090
This woman
who used to work for me
70
00:03:21,091 --> 00:03:22,925
is being paid
a million dollars
71
00:03:22,926 --> 00:03:25,428
to write a tell-all book
about me.
72
00:03:25,429 --> 00:03:27,430
A million dollars?
73
00:03:27,431 --> 00:03:29,865
How much can I get for
a tell-all book about Caroline?
74
00:03:29,866 --> 00:03:32,902
Chapter one:
"Sleep farts."
75
00:03:32,903 --> 00:03:36,472
Max, please, can we go one day
without you mentioning that?
76
00:03:37,173 --> 00:03:39,375
The woman's name
is Sandra Rosenthal.
77
00:03:39,376 --> 00:03:40,676
Caroline,
do you remember her?
78
00:03:40,677 --> 00:03:42,678
Yes, the one
who lied on her resume.
79
00:03:42,679 --> 00:03:44,981
The one who couldn't even add,
and worse than that,
80
00:03:44,982 --> 00:03:48,150
she wore brown
with black together.
81
00:03:48,151 --> 00:03:50,119
I like brown and black
together.
82
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,655
I know.
83
00:03:52,656 --> 00:03:55,691
Wait, why would anybody
pay that woman so much?
84
00:03:55,692 --> 00:03:57,360
What is she saying
she has on you?
85
00:03:57,361 --> 00:03:58,794
Well, she's claiming
she was fired
86
00:03:58,795 --> 00:04:00,329
because she had
insider information
87
00:04:00,330 --> 00:04:02,031
about the Ponzi scandal,
88
00:04:02,032 --> 00:04:04,667
and that we were sleeping
together, which we weren't.
89
00:04:04,668 --> 00:04:06,335
Of course you weren't.
You would never
90
00:04:06,336 --> 00:04:09,038
sleep with someone who wore
brown with black together.
91
00:04:09,039 --> 00:04:11,040
Man, I haven't seen
this much hatred
92
00:04:11,041 --> 00:04:14,110
toward brown and black
since the '50s.
93
00:04:14,111 --> 00:04:16,312
Anyway, I wanted you
to hear it from me first,
94
00:04:16,313 --> 00:04:18,347
because she's about to go
on Piers Morgan Live,
95
00:04:18,348 --> 00:04:20,483
and she can say
whatever she wants.
96
00:04:20,484 --> 00:04:23,386
No, she can't, because I'll
be there to refute her lies.
97
00:04:23,387 --> 00:04:25,187
I'll defend you
with dignity and class
98
00:04:25,188 --> 00:04:28,791
and my new lipstick
I just found on the subway.
99
00:04:28,792 --> 00:04:31,661
Wow, Piers Morgan.
That dude's legit.
100
00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:35,665
He's got a show,
he's got Piers 1 Imports.
101
00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:38,668
I don't know what I'd do
without you, princess.
102
00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:41,404
You're the only person
I can trust.
103
00:04:41,405 --> 00:04:43,005
Now, get out of here,
'cause I gotta speak to Max
104
00:04:43,006 --> 00:04:44,640
privately for a second.
105
00:04:44,641 --> 00:04:46,709
Oh... sure.
106
00:04:46,710 --> 00:04:47,977
- Okay, I--
- Just go.
107
00:04:47,978 --> 00:04:50,047
Daddy wants to talk
to me privately.
108
00:04:51,448 --> 00:04:53,149
- Love you, sweetie.
- Love you, Daddy.
109
00:04:53,150 --> 00:04:55,418
Brian, I'll just be
right outside.
110
00:04:58,855 --> 00:05:00,556
So, Max...
111
00:05:00,557 --> 00:05:03,125
You know I'm all talk,
right?
112
00:05:03,126 --> 00:05:05,294
I need you
to tell Caroline something
113
00:05:05,295 --> 00:05:08,464
I couldn't bring myself
to say.
114
00:05:08,465 --> 00:05:10,399
This woman is also claiming
115
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:14,403
I have a small penis.
116
00:05:14,404 --> 00:05:16,238
Wait.
117
00:05:16,239 --> 00:05:19,210
So I stayed behind
to see it?
118
00:05:22,211 --> 00:05:24,613
No.
119
00:05:24,614 --> 00:05:28,317
I want you to tell Caroline
so she'll be prepared,
120
00:05:28,318 --> 00:05:29,785
'cause I'm pretty sure
that's the lie
121
00:05:29,786 --> 00:05:31,253
that got the book sold.
122
00:05:31,254 --> 00:05:33,322
How big of a lie?
123
00:05:33,323 --> 00:05:38,427
Oh, a really big one.
124
00:05:41,698 --> 00:05:44,166
So what did you and my father
talk about?
125
00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:46,268
I don't want to tell you.
I'm uncomfortable.
126
00:05:46,769 --> 00:05:48,671
You're uncomfortable?
127
00:05:48,672 --> 00:05:50,239
This must be bad.
128
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:52,007
You've never been uncomfortable
in your life.
129
00:05:52,008 --> 00:05:54,243
Is it drugs? Cancer?
130
00:05:54,244 --> 00:05:56,345
Oh! Did he fall in love
in prison?
131
00:05:56,346 --> 00:05:57,913
I'll be fine with it.
You can tell me.
132
00:05:57,914 --> 00:05:59,615
When we had money,
I was very active
133
00:05:59,616 --> 00:06:03,719
in the Park Avenue Straights
for Gay Doormen Alliance.
134
00:06:09,492 --> 00:06:10,626
Is this
some kind of weird gang,
135
00:06:10,627 --> 00:06:12,628
or did a game
just let out?
136
00:06:12,629 --> 00:06:14,563
Max, come on.
Tell me.
137
00:06:14,564 --> 00:06:17,533
Fine, the woman's gonna say
your father has a small--
138
00:06:19,136 --> 00:06:23,839
Sir, your vuvuzela
is very loud, and very 2010.
139
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,374
My father has a what?
140
00:06:25,375 --> 00:06:26,776
He has a small--
141
00:06:28,545 --> 00:06:30,546
Seriously,
the game's over.
142
00:06:30,547 --> 00:06:33,549
And how on earth you have
a wedding ring is beyond me.
143
00:06:33,550 --> 00:06:34,984
What is she gonna say
about him?
144
00:06:37,087 --> 00:06:40,122
I can't hear you!
She's going to say...
145
00:06:40,123 --> 00:06:44,326
Your father has
a small penis!
146
00:06:44,327 --> 00:06:47,062
He thought it'd be less awkward
if I told you.
147
00:06:47,063 --> 00:06:48,297
Was it?
148
00:06:48,298 --> 00:06:50,833
I can't believe
that Sandra Rosenthal woman.
149
00:06:50,834 --> 00:06:53,102
There's another lie.
Why, have you seen it?
150
00:06:53,103 --> 00:06:55,638
No, I haven't seen it!
I never want to see it.
151
00:06:55,639 --> 00:06:57,440
Have you seen
your father's penis?
152
00:06:57,441 --> 00:07:00,176
If I did,
it was waving good-bye.
153
00:07:08,270 --> 00:07:09,671
Max, I've thought a lot
about it,
154
00:07:09,672 --> 00:07:11,339
and I can't sit there
while that woman
155
00:07:11,340 --> 00:07:14,442
waves my father's penis
in Piers Morgan's face.
156
00:07:14,443 --> 00:07:16,544
You're lucky
it's not Anderson Cooper,
157
00:07:16,545 --> 00:07:19,213
'cause he'd be
giggling up a storm.
158
00:07:19,914 --> 00:07:20,782
I have a plan.
159
00:07:21,033 --> 00:07:23,701
My goal on this show is gonna be
to discredit that woman
160
00:07:23,702 --> 00:07:26,170
and tell people, even though
my father did a bad thing,
161
00:07:26,171 --> 00:07:27,939
he did some wonderful things
as well.
162
00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:30,675
Look, here he is
working with UNICEF.
163
00:07:30,676 --> 00:07:33,311
Here he is
rebuilding Haiti.
164
00:07:33,312 --> 00:07:35,813
Oh, this is just a cute picture
of him water-skiing
165
00:07:35,814 --> 00:07:37,581
at a charity event
on Lake Tahoe.
166
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:41,252
What's the charity?
White men without golf clubs?
167
00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:43,220
So that's my plan,
and hopefully,
168
00:07:43,221 --> 00:07:44,689
going on that show
will put an end
169
00:07:44,690 --> 00:07:47,291
to all these ridiculous rumors
about my father.
170
00:07:48,292 --> 00:07:50,129
Hey, Caroline.
171
00:07:52,130 --> 00:07:54,465
Yeah.
172
00:07:54,466 --> 00:07:58,169
The word on the street
is your dad's got a weenis.
173
00:07:58,870 --> 00:08:00,771
Sophie, how did you hear
about that?
174
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,340
Oleg told me.
175
00:08:02,341 --> 00:08:05,309
It came up
on my Google penis alerts.
176
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:07,945
I like to keep current,
see what the trends are.
177
00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:09,714
You don't want to be
that middle-aged guy
178
00:08:09,715 --> 00:08:12,817
wearing the same penis
you had in high school.
179
00:08:13,518 --> 00:08:15,519
Great, now,
it's all over the Internet
180
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,755
and my shoulders
are all up around my ears.
181
00:08:17,756 --> 00:08:20,458
Look, I'm too tense
to even shake my head "no"
182
00:08:20,459 --> 00:08:23,461
at that liar woman,
which was gonna be my key move.
183
00:08:23,462 --> 00:08:26,831
I need a massage,
but I'm broke.
184
00:08:26,832 --> 00:08:29,166
Caroline,
I'll give you a massage.
185
00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:32,570
Get ready for a sad ending.
186
00:08:32,571 --> 00:08:36,474
And beginning, and middle.
187
00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:38,042
There.
188
00:08:38,043 --> 00:08:40,378
Oh, yeah.
189
00:08:40,379 --> 00:08:42,113
How does that feel?
190
00:08:42,114 --> 00:08:46,550
Like baby spiders
are dancing on my shoulders.
191
00:08:47,051 --> 00:08:48,819
You're the first Asian
I've seen
192
00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:51,522
that can't give a massage.
193
00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:57,228
Hey, Caroline,
I'll treat you and Max
194
00:08:57,229 --> 00:08:59,363
to a massage
at my fancy spa.
195
00:08:59,364 --> 00:09:01,632
Cool!
I've never been to a spa.
196
00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:03,367
The closest I've been
is sticking my arm
197
00:09:03,368 --> 00:09:07,004
in the free blood pressure
machine at Walgreens.
198
00:09:07,405 --> 00:09:11,242
Wait, that's for your arm?
199
00:09:15,113 --> 00:09:17,114
Thanks for the massage, Han.
It was very nice--
200
00:09:17,115 --> 00:09:19,850
Oh, you're still doing it.
I had no idea.
201
00:09:25,322 --> 00:09:28,492
That was a-mazing!
202
00:09:28,743 --> 00:09:31,078
I mean, a guy rubbed me
for an hour
203
00:09:31,079 --> 00:09:34,248
and didn't expect
anything back?
204
00:09:34,249 --> 00:09:37,351
This massage stuff
could catch on.
205
00:09:37,352 --> 00:09:40,921
I could not let go
during my massage.
206
00:09:40,922 --> 00:09:43,857
Oh, was letting go
an option?
207
00:09:43,858 --> 00:09:46,193
I was close, but I didn't want
to get halfway there
208
00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:48,862
and have the management
throw me out or something.
209
00:09:48,863 --> 00:09:50,264
I'm just so tense.
210
00:09:50,265 --> 00:09:52,166
Piers Morgan asks
some difficult questions.
211
00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:54,702
Last week, he asked
the Spring Breakers cast
212
00:09:54,703 --> 00:09:57,938
their thoughts
on the North Korea situation.
213
00:09:57,939 --> 00:09:59,206
Shh!
214
00:09:59,207 --> 00:10:00,674
Sorry.
215
00:10:00,675 --> 00:10:03,477
Max, this is a quiet room.
We have to be quiet.
216
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,946
Hi, girls!
217
00:10:05,947 --> 00:10:09,283
Oh, I'm getting myself
some fancy water.
218
00:10:09,284 --> 00:10:13,020
Look, they got lemon,
orange, and cucumber.
219
00:10:13,021 --> 00:10:16,990
Ha! It's like a slot machine
over here.
220
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:19,526
Shh!
221
00:10:23,932 --> 00:10:27,735
Oh, I just had
the best bamboo massage.
222
00:10:27,736 --> 00:10:29,770
Oh, they kept whacking me
with it
223
00:10:29,771 --> 00:10:34,742
until I confessed to stealing
that bread when I was seven.
224
00:10:34,743 --> 00:10:37,511
Oh, what a load off.
225
00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:40,981
Caroline, you still look
a little tense,
226
00:10:40,982 --> 00:10:43,617
but I guess having to talk
about your father's junk
227
00:10:43,618 --> 00:10:48,021
on national television
will do that to a girl.
228
00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:50,624
I will not be speaking
about my father's "junk"
229
00:10:50,625 --> 00:10:52,025
on television.
230
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:54,928
No, I can't have lunch
tomorrow.
231
00:10:54,929 --> 00:10:58,232
I'm doing
Piers Morgan Live.
232
00:10:59,667 --> 00:11:02,536
You won't believe
what just happened.
233
00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:05,439
You joined
a demonic cult?
234
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,775
Sandra, the liar writing
the tell-all book,
235
00:11:07,776 --> 00:11:09,643
just walked in.
236
00:11:09,644 --> 00:11:12,179
She's getting
a day of beauty too?
237
00:11:12,180 --> 00:11:15,716
This is like the gayest training
for a fight ever.
238
00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:17,918
Sandra?
239
00:11:17,919 --> 00:11:19,420
Right this way.
240
00:11:19,421 --> 00:11:21,088
Lay face down.
241
00:11:21,089 --> 00:11:23,424
I'll give you a few minutes
and I'll be right back in.
242
00:11:23,425 --> 00:11:25,359
Perfect.
I really need this massage.
243
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,361
Promoting my new book
is exhausting.
244
00:11:27,362 --> 00:11:28,929
I'm sorry
if that sounded braggy,
245
00:11:28,930 --> 00:11:30,297
but I guess
that's how you sound
246
00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:32,599
when things are going
so great for you.
247
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,536
Ugh! That poor masseuse
is gonna be forced
248
00:11:35,537 --> 00:11:38,038
to listen to her yammer on
about her dumb book.
249
00:11:38,039 --> 00:11:40,574
But then again, mine
had to hear me constantly say,
250
00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:43,078
"don't be afraid
of the boobs."
251
00:11:44,879 --> 00:11:47,214
We should be hearing
about that dumb book
252
00:11:47,215 --> 00:11:48,749
so I know
what I'm up against.
253
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,351
If there was only a way
to get in that room.
254
00:11:51,352 --> 00:11:56,957
Oh, anyone can get into
any room if they really want to.
255
00:11:56,958 --> 00:11:59,126
I mean, do you think
that I was invited
256
00:11:59,127 --> 00:12:02,396
to the audition
for the 2004 boat show?
257
00:12:02,397 --> 00:12:04,631
Yeah.
Go.
258
00:12:04,632 --> 00:12:06,900
I'll take care
of that masseuse.
259
00:12:06,901 --> 00:12:09,069
Sophie, you're not gonna
hurt her, right?
260
00:12:09,070 --> 00:12:12,906
No. I'm gonna try
tipping her first.
261
00:12:21,182 --> 00:12:23,617
I'm back.
262
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,986
Yes, I was just
out in the hall with you,
263
00:12:25,987 --> 00:12:28,589
now, here I am
in the room with you,
264
00:12:28,590 --> 00:12:31,091
the same person.
265
00:12:31,092 --> 00:12:36,430
Just keep your head down,
don't look up, and relax.
266
00:12:36,431 --> 00:12:38,332
You're not gonna talk a lot,
are you?
267
00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:41,235
No, but you should
feel free to.
268
00:12:41,236 --> 00:12:44,071
Whatever's on your mind
or in in that book.
269
00:12:44,072 --> 00:12:45,506
What?
270
00:12:45,507 --> 00:12:47,107
What was that?
271
00:12:47,108 --> 00:12:48,442
That?
272
00:12:48,443 --> 00:12:50,544
That's just me, alone,
273
00:12:50,545 --> 00:12:53,413
creating a healing space
with energy and sound.
274
00:12:54,782 --> 00:12:57,551
Lots of sound.
275
00:12:57,552 --> 00:13:00,454
So you're writing
a big book.
276
00:13:00,455 --> 00:13:03,123
Do you want to tell me
all about that?
277
00:13:03,124 --> 00:13:05,225
Well, it's about this guy,
Martin Channing.
278
00:13:05,226 --> 00:13:10,631
Oh, he is very nice
and very respectable.
279
00:13:10,632 --> 00:13:12,599
You won't think that
after you read my book.
280
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,035
I am really gonna
stick it to him.
281
00:13:15,036 --> 00:13:16,770
Okay, now,
you're just pushing me.
282
00:13:16,771 --> 00:13:18,972
Ugh!
283
00:13:19,974 --> 00:13:22,676
Uh, how did you--
284
00:13:25,747 --> 00:13:30,284
uh... How--
how did you do that?
285
00:13:30,285 --> 00:13:33,554
It feels like
you have three hands.
286
00:13:37,058 --> 00:13:40,460
That's how good I am.
287
00:13:40,461 --> 00:13:42,930
This is supposed to be
a hot stone massage.
288
00:13:42,931 --> 00:13:44,865
Comin' right up.
289
00:13:46,734 --> 00:13:48,902
The hot stones.
290
00:13:51,606 --> 00:13:54,541
Oh!
291
00:13:57,144 --> 00:14:00,948
All right, here come
the ho-o-ot stones.
292
00:14:02,417 --> 00:14:04,351
Oh!
293
00:14:04,352 --> 00:14:07,487
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's nice.
294
00:14:07,488 --> 00:14:09,056
I'm really loosening up.
295
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:11,024
Oh, well, then let's
loosen you up some more.
296
00:14:11,025 --> 00:14:12,259
More stones.
297
00:14:13,528 --> 00:14:15,996
More stones!
298
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:22,603
Yeah, I'm got paid a lot
of money for my tell-all book,
299
00:14:22,604 --> 00:14:24,871
and I am really gonna
tell all.
300
00:14:24,872 --> 00:14:29,443
Oh! Not there!
Not there.
301
00:14:29,444 --> 00:14:31,778
What?
What is going on in here?
302
00:14:31,779 --> 00:14:34,181
Well, what is
happening here, Sandra,
303
00:14:34,182 --> 00:14:36,049
is you're about to go
on national TV
304
00:14:36,050 --> 00:14:37,884
and tell America lies
about my father.
305
00:14:37,885 --> 00:14:39,252
He never slept with you.
306
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:42,389
Oh. Did he never sleep with me
in your bedroom,
307
00:14:42,390 --> 00:14:44,992
on your pink canopy bed?
308
00:14:44,993 --> 00:14:47,427
You know what?
That never happened.
309
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,363
That's insane.
You're crazy.
310
00:14:49,364 --> 00:14:50,964
Well, it's my word
against yours.
311
00:14:50,965 --> 00:14:53,367
You're gonna be
very embarrassed on TV.
312
00:14:53,368 --> 00:14:55,836
But not as embarrassed as you're
going to be in the spa lobby,
313
00:14:55,837 --> 00:14:58,805
when I tell everyone that
I was touched inappropriately
314
00:14:58,806 --> 00:15:00,641
by Caroline Channing.
315
00:15:00,642 --> 00:15:02,943
You are not gonna
tell anybody that.
316
00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:04,544
Who's gonna stop me?
317
00:15:04,545 --> 00:15:06,179
Hey, girls.
318
00:15:06,180 --> 00:15:08,448
I was listening
outside the door.
319
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:12,252
Everything okay?
320
00:15:21,318 --> 00:15:23,286
Max, I don't know
if I can do this.
321
00:15:23,737 --> 00:15:25,271
What if Sandra's
telling the truth?
322
00:15:25,272 --> 00:15:27,106
She did know
about my pink canopy bed.
323
00:15:27,107 --> 00:15:28,674
How would she know that?
324
00:15:28,675 --> 00:15:31,344
Because everyone knows
Barbie comes with a dream car,
325
00:15:31,345 --> 00:15:34,547
a pony, and a pink canopy bed
included.
326
00:15:35,048 --> 00:15:37,917
There he is.
There's Piers Morgan, live.
327
00:15:39,353 --> 00:15:40,753
Do you think
it's too soon to ask him
328
00:15:40,754 --> 00:15:43,556
to give me a discount
at Piers 1?
329
00:15:43,557 --> 00:15:47,393
He looks dignified, like he's
not gonna ask about a penis.
330
00:15:47,394 --> 00:15:50,229
But what if he does?
Max, I can't do this.
331
00:15:50,230 --> 00:15:51,998
Give me your phone.
332
00:15:51,999 --> 00:15:53,532
You need
to remind yourself
333
00:15:53,533 --> 00:15:55,501
of the person your father
used to be.
334
00:15:55,502 --> 00:15:57,770
Look, here he is
working with UNICEF.
335
00:15:57,771 --> 00:16:01,374
And here he is water-skiing
on "Lake Rich Person."
336
00:16:01,375 --> 00:16:05,111
Look at that smile.
Is that the smile of--hold up.
337
00:16:05,112 --> 00:16:07,880
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
338
00:16:07,881 --> 00:16:12,351
What's coming out of
the left leg of his swim shorts?
339
00:16:12,352 --> 00:16:14,387
I think your father's junk
is trying to tell me
340
00:16:14,388 --> 00:16:17,423
there's gonna be
six more weeks of winter.
341
00:16:17,924 --> 00:16:19,592
What are you saying?
342
00:16:19,593 --> 00:16:22,561
I'm saying,
someone had a tip slip,
343
00:16:22,562 --> 00:16:26,198
and that is not
a small tip.
344
00:16:26,199 --> 00:16:28,401
And as a waitress
and a loose woman,
345
00:16:28,402 --> 00:16:31,904
I know a small tip
when I see one.
346
00:16:32,205 --> 00:16:35,007
- Here.
- Oh!
347
00:16:36,076 --> 00:16:37,977
Sorry, sorry.
348
00:16:37,978 --> 00:16:41,814
She just showed me a picture
of Anne Hathaway's new haircut.
349
00:16:44,518 --> 00:16:47,720
Well, this is good, because
it proves that woman is lying.
350
00:16:47,721 --> 00:16:49,955
Yep, you just have to
show this to Piers.
351
00:16:49,956 --> 00:16:54,360
I told you, I'm not
going near my father's penis.
352
00:16:54,361 --> 00:16:56,028
All I have to do
is point out
353
00:16:56,029 --> 00:16:58,030
that that woman
has no finance skills.
354
00:16:58,031 --> 00:17:00,199
Unlike her,
we are taking the high road.
355
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,568
Max, are you sending that
to yourself?
356
00:17:06,740 --> 00:17:08,307
I'm here
with Sandra Rosenthal,
357
00:17:08,308 --> 00:17:09,909
who's just signed
a huge book deal
358
00:17:09,910 --> 00:17:11,110
to do a kiss-and-tell
359
00:17:11,111 --> 00:17:13,345
on disgraced financier
Martin Channing.
360
00:17:13,346 --> 00:17:14,447
Welcome to you, Sandra.
361
00:17:14,448 --> 00:17:15,548
Hello, Piers.
362
00:17:15,549 --> 00:17:17,817
Thank you for allowing me
to tell my story.
363
00:17:17,818 --> 00:17:19,652
It's a story, all right.
364
00:17:19,653 --> 00:17:22,088
Wow, so we're right into it.
Okay, well, let me catch up.
365
00:17:22,089 --> 00:17:23,923
My other guest
is Caroline Channing,
366
00:17:23,924 --> 00:17:26,525
daughter of Martin Channing,
who, to put it mildly,
367
00:17:26,526 --> 00:17:28,794
is claiming that your book,
Ms. Rosenthal,
368
00:17:28,795 --> 00:17:30,663
is a bunch of bull.
369
00:17:30,664 --> 00:17:31,964
That's right, Piers.
370
00:17:31,965 --> 00:17:33,099
It's pure rubbish,
371
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,934
As your people say.
372
00:17:34,935 --> 00:17:39,271
That was perfectly American.
373
00:17:39,272 --> 00:17:40,840
Right, then,
let me start with you.
374
00:17:40,841 --> 00:17:42,341
Well, to catch everybody up,
Ms. Rosenthal's
375
00:17:42,342 --> 00:17:44,276
large book advance really
has to do with something
376
00:17:44,277 --> 00:17:47,713
that turned out to be,
by your words, very small.
377
00:17:47,714 --> 00:17:48,981
Comments, Ms. Channing?
378
00:17:48,982 --> 00:17:52,618
Psst! Psst!
379
00:17:52,619 --> 00:17:54,854
I'd rather not comment
about that, Piers,
380
00:17:54,855 --> 00:17:56,889
because I have class,
but I do have a question
381
00:17:56,890 --> 00:17:59,391
for Ms. Rosenthal,
who was hired by my father
382
00:17:59,392 --> 00:18:01,560
because she claimed
she had a degree in finance.
383
00:18:01,561 --> 00:18:04,897
Ms. Rosenthal, if a train
carrying 27 passengers
384
00:18:04,898 --> 00:18:07,299
leaves Grand Central Station
at 9:00 a.m.,
385
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:11,003
travels 800 miles to Chicago,
arriving at 5:00 p.m.,
386
00:18:11,004 --> 00:18:13,172
how fast was it traveling?
387
00:18:13,173 --> 00:18:14,473
Well, I--
388
00:18:14,474 --> 00:18:16,108
Simple math, Piers.
389
00:18:16,109 --> 00:18:18,911
- 100 miles an hour.
- I'm sorry?
390
00:18:18,912 --> 00:18:22,047
That's your answer.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a mathlete.
391
00:18:22,048 --> 00:18:23,482
Impressive.
392
00:18:23,483 --> 00:18:25,618
I've got a math equation
for you.
393
00:18:25,619 --> 00:18:28,554
If a 3-inch train
is entering a tunnel,
394
00:18:28,555 --> 00:18:31,557
do I even know it's there?
395
00:18:31,558 --> 00:18:33,559
Ladies, this isn't
Maury Povich.
396
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,694
Psst! Psst!
397
00:18:35,695 --> 00:18:37,563
Piers, I am simply
trying to illustrate
398
00:18:37,564 --> 00:18:39,131
that she should have
been able to answer it,
399
00:18:39,132 --> 00:18:41,636
had she been qualified
for her job in finance.
400
00:18:43,637 --> 00:18:46,272
Everything that I am writing
in the book is true, Piers.
401
00:18:46,273 --> 00:18:48,040
There is nothing
that I have said
402
00:18:48,041 --> 00:18:50,309
that she can prove
is untrue.
403
00:18:53,814 --> 00:18:58,017
Wait a minute, why is there
a woman under my desk?
404
00:18:58,018 --> 00:19:00,152
Oh, is there, Piers?
405
00:19:00,153 --> 00:19:02,788
Yes, my father
defrauded a lot of people,
406
00:19:02,789 --> 00:19:04,490
and he's paying a price
for that,
407
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,592
but I'm not gonna sit by
silently while she exploits him
408
00:19:06,593 --> 00:19:08,327
with lies for her own gain.
409
00:19:08,328 --> 00:19:10,229
Piers, there's so much
about my father
410
00:19:10,230 --> 00:19:12,498
I want you to know,
like he--
411
00:19:17,437 --> 00:19:19,505
What is this?
412
00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:21,974
Well... I know what this is.
413
00:19:21,975 --> 00:19:23,742
I've got one.
414
00:19:23,743 --> 00:19:26,178
But whose is it,
and why am I looking at it?
415
00:19:26,179 --> 00:19:28,514
It's my father's.
416
00:19:28,515 --> 00:19:32,084
He had a bit of a tip slip.
417
00:19:32,085 --> 00:19:34,587
Madam, I don't know what
you're looking for in a man,
418
00:19:34,588 --> 00:19:37,156
but this...
419
00:19:37,157 --> 00:19:39,260
Is far from inadequate.
420
00:19:41,261 --> 00:19:43,829
In fact, it's so far
from inadequate,
421
00:19:43,830 --> 00:19:45,965
that I'm bringing this interview
to an immediate close.
422
00:19:45,966 --> 00:19:49,201
Your book and you lack
any credibility.
423
00:19:49,902 --> 00:19:51,471
That's it.
424
00:19:55,108 --> 00:19:59,378
"Can you hook me up with
a discount at Piers 1 Imports?"
425
00:20:03,783 --> 00:20:05,184
Hey, you know,
they'll probably come to you
426
00:20:05,185 --> 00:20:06,852
one day and want
a tell-all book.
427
00:20:06,853 --> 00:20:10,456
Remember, we already have
chapter one, "sleep farts."
428
00:20:10,457 --> 00:20:14,193
Chapter two:
"My new Stepmom Max."
429
00:20:16,462 --> 00:20:19,131
Max, am I gonna have to defend
my father forever?
430
00:20:19,132 --> 00:20:21,967
Probably, but don't worry,
I'll be there to help.
431
00:20:21,968 --> 00:20:23,302
Thank you.
432
00:20:23,303 --> 00:20:24,136
'Cause it's a wife's job
433
00:20:24,137 --> 00:20:26,639
to defend her husband.
434
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,642
It makes me sad to think
he's gonna be in prison
435
00:20:29,643 --> 00:20:31,543
for the rest of his life.
436
00:20:31,544 --> 00:20:34,113
Don't think of it like that.
He's not just in prison.
437
00:20:34,114 --> 00:20:36,582
He's in Africa
working with UNICEF,
438
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:40,085
he's in Haiti, he's water-skiing
on "Lake Rich Person,"
439
00:20:40,086 --> 00:20:42,924
and he's on the desktop
of my computer.
440
00:20:44,925 --> 00:20:46,959
I should delete that.
441
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,931
Where'd I leave my phone?
442
00:20:51,932 --> 00:20:54,333
Oh, God, are you guys looking
at the picture of my dad?
443
00:20:54,334 --> 00:20:56,403
We are. Respect.
444
00:20:58,004 --> 00:21:00,006
So very much respect.
445
00:21:01,207 --> 00:21:03,110
Eh, I've seen better.
446
00:21:04,711 --> 00:21:06,280
Every day.
447
00:21:09,582 --> 00:21:10,816
Give me that.
448
00:21:10,817 --> 00:21:12,052
Oh!
449
00:21:17,426 --> 00:21:21,828
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com