1
00:00:01,171 --> 00:00:03,890
Your waitress just went on break, and
I'm just someone who likes dressing
2
00:00:03,891 --> 00:00:07,145
like a polyester hot dog, so I'll
take that whenever you're ready.
3
00:00:07,867 --> 00:00:10,146
There you go.
No rush.
4
00:00:10,263 --> 00:00:14,799
Okay, Mr. Rajeev Guttikonda.
5
00:00:15,102 --> 00:00:18,817
I have to say, that's a pretty
Gutti scheme you got going there,
6
00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:21,554
but I Guttikonda
don't believe it.
7
00:00:21,556 --> 00:00:24,130
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you saying there?
8
00:00:24,132 --> 00:00:26,272
What am I saying there, Boston?
9
00:00:26,274 --> 00:00:28,481
I'm saying I believe you watched
Slumdog Millionaire
10
00:00:28,483 --> 00:00:30,491
on a sticky couch
in your mom's basement,
11
00:00:30,493 --> 00:00:32,729
but I'm not buying
that you're Indian.
12
00:00:33,377 --> 00:00:36,238
So take your fake, East Boston,
Indian accent out of here,
13
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:37,742
or I'll call the cops.
14
00:00:37,744 --> 00:00:40,152
Dude, stolen credit card,
and you choose to eat here?
15
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:42,057
That's the real crime.
16
00:00:42,059 --> 00:00:44,426
Hey, Rajeev.
17
00:00:44,428 --> 00:00:47,198
Rajeev, my man.
18
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,136
Rajeev Gudikanda.
19
00:00:49,138 --> 00:00:50,906
You know what?
This one's on me.
20
00:00:50,908 --> 00:00:54,145
I have trust issues.
21
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,593
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
22
00:00:58,130 --> 00:01:02,766
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
23
00:01:02,791 --> 00:01:05,032
Season 3, Episode 5
"And the Cronuts"
24
00:01:05,143 --> 00:01:08,143
Sync and corrections: Reef
www.addic7ed.com
25
00:01:11,091 --> 00:01:13,793
That's weird. We still have
three Red Velvets left.
26
00:01:13,795 --> 00:01:16,589
I guess that bulimic girl
didn't come in today.
27
00:01:16,941 --> 00:01:19,124
No, she's here.
She's in the bathroom.
28
00:01:21,034 --> 00:01:25,499
Hmm, if I save these for her,
would that be helping or hurting?
29
00:01:25,500 --> 00:01:27,011
Hey, everybody.
30
00:01:27,013 --> 00:01:29,647
Speaking of hurting,
here comes a pain in my ass.
31
00:01:29,728 --> 00:01:33,122
Han, do you want the last Red Velvet?
The other two are for the bulimic girl.
32
00:01:33,123 --> 00:01:35,135
I made the call.
33
00:01:35,164 --> 00:01:38,671
No more cupcakes for me. I've been
on a juice cleanse for six days.
34
00:01:38,672 --> 00:01:42,979
Han's on the prowl, and I got
to keep this body tight, son.
35
00:01:44,651 --> 00:01:47,627
I'm in the dating pool,
you know.
36
00:01:47,628 --> 00:01:50,363
Yeah, the shallow end.
37
00:01:50,364 --> 00:01:52,771
You know those cleanses
never work, right?
38
00:01:52,772 --> 00:01:56,429
Really?
Then how do you explain this?
39
00:01:58,252 --> 00:02:02,208
I don't know. Am I supposed
to rub it and make a wish?
40
00:02:03,917 --> 00:02:07,142
Not bad for having
three kids, Han.
41
00:02:07,448 --> 00:02:10,281
What? You don't see
my abs coming in?
42
00:02:10,494 --> 00:02:13,860
I see one large ab
coming in.
43
00:02:14,275 --> 00:02:17,329
That's at least a two-pack.
44
00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:22,617
Han, the real Tupac is more
alive than your two-pack.
45
00:02:23,668 --> 00:02:26,462
I'm gonna give this last cupcake
away as a free sample.
46
00:02:26,463 --> 00:02:29,161
My promotional tweets haven't
been getting much love lately.
47
00:02:29,162 --> 00:02:32,480
What'd you say? I black out
whenever you use work words.
48
00:02:32,482 --> 00:02:34,930
All I said was "promotional
tweets" and "sample."
49
00:02:34,931 --> 00:02:36,170
What?
50
00:02:37,272 --> 00:02:41,202
Here you go, ladies, a Max's
homemade cupcake on the house.
51
00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:42,458
Nah, I'm cool.
52
00:02:42,459 --> 00:02:46,095
I'm saving my calories for one
of those fabulous new cronuts.
53
00:02:46,097 --> 00:02:48,764
Plus, cupcakes are so over.
54
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:52,145
Well, so is blossom, but...
55
00:02:54,707 --> 00:02:58,231
It didn't stop you
from wearing that outfit.
56
00:02:58,232 --> 00:03:02,071
- Those flower power skanks over there...
- "Flower Power skanks."
57
00:03:02,072 --> 00:03:04,999
See, these are words
I recognize and hear.
58
00:03:05,375 --> 00:03:08,581
Anyway, she said
she only cares about cronuts
59
00:03:08,582 --> 00:03:10,282
and that cupcakes are over.
60
00:03:10,283 --> 00:03:13,285
- Cupcakes are classic, right?
- Don't listen to them.
61
00:03:13,286 --> 00:03:15,454
They're wearing
high-waisted jeans.
62
00:03:15,455 --> 00:03:17,794
The only time I like
seeing women's jeans that high
63
00:03:17,795 --> 00:03:20,059
is when I'm giving Han
a wedgie.
64
00:03:20,060 --> 00:03:21,862
Also, what's a cronut?
65
00:03:22,049 --> 00:03:27,709
Cronut is what we called
my Croatian cousin with one testicle.
66
00:03:28,189 --> 00:03:30,747
He hung himself.
67
00:03:31,431 --> 00:03:35,930
Okay, well, in America,
it's a half-croissant, half-doughnut.
68
00:03:35,931 --> 00:03:39,817
They're on the news, Twitter, Instagram.
People can't stop talking about them.
69
00:03:39,818 --> 00:03:43,954
If cronuts had tongues,
they'd be the Miley Cyrus of pastries.
70
00:03:44,026 --> 00:03:46,095
You're right.
They sound stupid.
71
00:03:46,096 --> 00:03:49,046
Stupid delicious.
Where can I get one?
72
00:03:49,047 --> 00:03:51,745
You can only get them
at this one pastry shop in Soho,
73
00:03:51,746 --> 00:03:53,953
and people start lining up
at 4:00 a.m.
74
00:03:53,954 --> 00:03:56,068
Boy, times do change.
75
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:59,377
Back in the day, 4:00 a.m.
was when people would snort lines,
76
00:03:59,378 --> 00:04:01,341
not stand in 'em.
77
00:04:02,597 --> 00:04:06,356
Who has the time to wait in line
all day for a piece of lame pastry?
78
00:04:06,357 --> 00:04:09,773
Hey, everyone.
I got a cronut.
79
00:04:12,833 --> 00:04:16,638
I waited in line
for two whole days.
80
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,108
Sophie, you bought
into the hype too?
81
00:04:19,109 --> 00:04:23,031
Oh, come on, you know your girl
Sophie is always on trend.
82
00:04:23,033 --> 00:04:24,976
I was the first one
wearing crocs.
83
00:04:24,992 --> 00:04:28,470
I brought the crocs craze
to America.
84
00:04:28,723 --> 00:04:32,766
When I was rich, I sent 10,000 pairs
of crocs to children in Africa.
85
00:04:32,767 --> 00:04:35,469
Why, to make them
less cool?
86
00:04:35,470 --> 00:04:39,402
Look, girls, here I am
in the cronut line.
87
00:04:39,477 --> 00:04:42,143
And here I am still in line.
88
00:04:42,144 --> 00:04:47,043
Oh, and... oh, and here I am
riding a baby elephant.
89
00:04:47,252 --> 00:04:49,986
And here I am
eating a cronut.
90
00:04:50,698 --> 00:04:53,666
Max, as stupid as it is,
we've got to go over there.
91
00:04:53,667 --> 00:04:56,203
We need to figure out
what they have that we don't.
92
00:04:56,371 --> 00:04:58,562
Oh, I'll tell you
what they have.
93
00:04:58,563 --> 00:05:00,505
Cronuts.
94
00:05:04,033 --> 00:05:06,267
Oh, my god.
Look at this line.
95
00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:10,391
I knew we should have gotten here sooner,
but, no, I had to be a good person,
96
00:05:10,392 --> 00:05:14,453
I had to carry that torso man on the
skateboard up the subway stairs.
97
00:05:14,454 --> 00:05:17,203
All this is for a croissant
and a doughnut?
98
00:05:17,204 --> 00:05:19,021
Those things
already existed.
99
00:05:19,022 --> 00:05:21,257
Where was all the fanfare when
I combined the sleeping pill
100
00:05:21,258 --> 00:05:22,792
with the morning after pill
and called it
101
00:05:22,793 --> 00:05:25,127
the "sleep-through-
the-morning-after" pill?
102
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,334
How did these things
get so popular?
103
00:05:27,335 --> 00:05:29,742
There's no science
to this trend stuff.
104
00:05:29,743 --> 00:05:33,979
It's all decided by one bitchy gay guy
typing in his room, making it all up.
105
00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:35,916
Well, then we have to do
some trend research.
106
00:05:35,917 --> 00:05:39,423
We've got to figure out how to make Max's
homemade cupcakes the next cronuts.
107
00:05:39,424 --> 00:05:43,699
I hate all these stupid trends.
Cleanses, cronuts, condoms...
108
00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:46,230
Excuse me, sir,
109
00:05:46,254 --> 00:05:49,405
My name's Caroline.
I'm a trend researcher.
110
00:05:49,406 --> 00:05:52,876
I'm Chuck.
I sell magnets.
111
00:05:52,878 --> 00:05:56,606
What made you want to spend
an entire day in line for cronuts?
112
00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:59,075
I like croissants.
I like doughnuts.
113
00:05:59,076 --> 00:06:02,232
I'm a fat guy.
It all adds up.
114
00:06:02,855 --> 00:06:04,701
That's true.
You are a fat guy.
115
00:06:04,702 --> 00:06:07,286
And there's a doughnut shop
right across the street.
116
00:06:07,287 --> 00:06:09,610
So why don't you just
stop there, get a damn doughnut,
117
00:06:09,611 --> 00:06:13,135
and save yourself the last 200 possibly
life-threatening steps to here?
118
00:06:13,136 --> 00:06:15,986
Look, it's two things
I like put together.
119
00:06:15,987 --> 00:06:17,321
End of story.
120
00:06:17,693 --> 00:06:20,889
That's it, Max.
It's the two things together.
121
00:06:20,890 --> 00:06:22,489
One thing
isn't enough anymore.
122
00:06:22,510 --> 00:06:24,956
Yeah, that's why Oleg’s cousin
hung himself.
123
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:27,519
I'm serious.
124
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:29,888
When's the last time
you did just one thing?
125
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:32,576
Like, watch a movie without
playing a game on your phone?
126
00:06:32,577 --> 00:06:34,109
Magic Mike.
127
00:06:34,111 --> 00:06:36,371
Wait, does playing
with yourself count?
128
00:06:36,566 --> 00:06:38,172
Come on, let's get
to the end of the line.
129
00:06:38,173 --> 00:06:41,413
End of the line...?
That's for rookies.
130
00:06:41,414 --> 00:06:42,883
I'm a line pro.
131
00:06:42,894 --> 00:06:46,911
My mom and I waited in line for
food stamps, Bob Seger lawn seats...
132
00:06:46,913 --> 00:06:49,343
We spent a Saturday
in the "guns for cash" line.
133
00:06:49,345 --> 00:06:51,360
Now that's a line
you don't want to cut in.
134
00:06:51,361 --> 00:06:53,275
Follow my lead.
135
00:06:57,999 --> 00:07:00,767
Hey, man, cronut line.
What do you want to do after this?
136
00:07:03,567 --> 00:07:06,228
Okay, all right, all right.
Back of the line.
137
00:07:06,229 --> 00:07:08,593
Everybody relax.
138
00:07:10,039 --> 00:07:14,338
Guess my mom being topless had more
to do with my line skills than I thought.
139
00:07:14,339 --> 00:07:17,411
Oh, great.
Look at the cronut line.
140
00:07:17,412 --> 00:07:19,479
I told you
we should have left sooner,
141
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:23,052
but, no, you said
we had to stay at temple.
142
00:07:23,107 --> 00:07:25,561
You're the rabbi.
143
00:07:25,562 --> 00:07:29,303
Yeah, a career I was forced into because
someone wanted to write his memoir.
144
00:07:29,424 --> 00:07:32,759
We get it, Garry.
You're adopted.
145
00:07:36,754 --> 00:07:40,077
Move up, hon.
You gotta fill the gap.
146
00:07:40,078 --> 00:07:42,976
I would if you would stop
trying to fill my gap.
147
00:07:43,102 --> 00:07:44,684
What difference does it make?
148
00:07:44,685 --> 00:07:46,788
You're still gonna have
the same amount of time to wait.
149
00:07:46,789 --> 00:07:50,109
And then, in 30 years, we're all
gonna die from Wi-Fi cancer.
150
00:07:51,186 --> 00:07:53,302
Okay, let's all
just take a breath.
151
00:07:53,303 --> 00:07:55,202
It looks like we're
gonna be here for a while.
152
00:07:55,203 --> 00:07:57,675
You know what? You're right.
Hi, I'm Jerri.
153
00:07:57,676 --> 00:07:59,886
- And I'm Garry.
- I'm Jerri, he's Garry.
154
00:07:59,887 --> 00:08:01,653
I'm tall, he's small.
155
00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:03,872
Cute, right?
That's our thing.
156
00:08:03,905 --> 00:08:06,001
I'm Caroline,
and this is Max.
157
00:08:06,024 --> 00:08:08,624
That's it.
We don't have a thing.
158
00:08:08,626 --> 00:08:11,816
- So what drew you here today?
- Oh, well, we're trend-chasers.
159
00:08:11,817 --> 00:08:13,784
When something new hits,
we are on it
160
00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:16,185
- ...like sea salt on dark chocolate.
- Hmm.
161
00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:21,134
We did pinkberry, dippin' dots,
kale, quinoa, Kombucha...
162
00:08:21,135 --> 00:08:23,478
All the ka's.
Just 'cause.
163
00:08:25,362 --> 00:08:27,761
Can you tell
we don't have kids?
164
00:08:28,154 --> 00:08:30,755
- She couldn't.
- Garry!
165
00:08:30,756 --> 00:08:34,930
Actually, it's true, and you can
read all about it in his memoir.
166
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:37,267
It's called...
167
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:40,545
You know what? Jerri, Garry.
I think we got too close too soon.
168
00:08:40,546 --> 00:08:42,415
Maybe we need
a little space.
169
00:08:42,495 --> 00:08:45,328
We got to move up in line
to get away from these people.
170
00:08:45,329 --> 00:08:47,550
Should I just
take my top off?
171
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,951
- Next in line.
- It happened!
172
00:08:50,952 --> 00:08:54,549
- We made it to the front of the line!
- We're the front people!
173
00:08:55,211 --> 00:08:57,901
Yeah, we're the front people!
Back people suck!
174
00:08:59,431 --> 00:09:03,135
No, no, I said "back people,"
"back people."
175
00:09:03,208 --> 00:09:05,118
Baruch Hashem.
176
00:09:05,119 --> 00:09:07,474
We loved The Butler.
177
00:09:07,710 --> 00:09:10,578
You know,
we've been through a lot.
178
00:09:10,579 --> 00:09:12,510
Tempers flared,
things were said.
179
00:09:12,511 --> 00:09:15,151
I'm fairly certain
that Dutch guy back there died.
180
00:09:15,152 --> 00:09:17,648
But we made it,
and you guys are good people.
181
00:09:17,649 --> 00:09:19,383
The sea salt of the earth.
182
00:09:19,384 --> 00:09:21,385
- Who's next?
- We are.
183
00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:23,529
I can only take a party of two.
Are all four of you together?
184
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:24,808
- Nope.
- We don't know them.
185
00:09:24,809 --> 00:09:27,314
- Guys...?
- Cut 'em loose, Gar.
186
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:29,288
All sold out.
We're closed.
187
00:09:29,289 --> 00:09:31,889
I know you're driven mad
with the power of being
188
00:09:31,890 --> 00:09:33,689
a doorman at a bakery,
but come on!
189
00:09:33,889 --> 00:09:36,858
Max, you know what I want
more than anything?
190
00:09:36,859 --> 00:09:39,657
To kill Jerri and Garry?
'Cause I'm totally on board.
191
00:09:39,735 --> 00:09:42,740
No, I want our business
to have a line.
192
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,084
I want to sell out.
193
00:09:44,085 --> 00:09:46,662
I want people to turn against
each other for our product.
194
00:09:46,663 --> 00:09:49,030
Again, I could
just take my top off.
195
00:09:49,049 --> 00:09:52,014
I know, and thank you.
We have that in our back pocket.
196
00:09:52,219 --> 00:09:54,180
But I have an idea
we can try first.
197
00:09:54,181 --> 00:09:57,185
I'm gonna use work words now,
so listen up, skank.
198
00:09:57,186 --> 00:09:58,386
I'm listening.
199
00:09:58,387 --> 00:09:59,837
I read
in The Wall Street Journal
200
00:09:59,838 --> 00:10:02,244
that there's a whole black market
for cronuts on Craigslist.
201
00:10:02,245 --> 00:10:04,458
Craigslist? Oh, no.
202
00:10:04,459 --> 00:10:08,662
I don't want one bad enough to let some
guy lick my armpit for an hour again.
203
00:10:08,818 --> 00:10:10,086
They're not for us.
204
00:10:10,096 --> 00:10:12,678
We'll sell them at our window,
just to attract attention,
205
00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,755
and then, when they sell out,
we'll effortlessly switch to cupcakes.
206
00:10:15,756 --> 00:10:17,622
Classic bake and switch.
207
00:10:17,623 --> 00:10:20,885
All that work
for some stupid fad?
208
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,623
I said "fad."
209
00:10:25,932 --> 00:10:29,462
We loved
"Behind the Candelabra".
210
00:10:36,611 --> 00:10:39,170
Try texting him again.
He's 15 minutes late.
211
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,505
You're really surprised
that a guy reselling pastries
212
00:10:41,507 --> 00:10:44,689
in the "Rants and Raves" section
of Craigslist isn't the punctual type?
213
00:10:45,914 --> 00:10:47,551
This is so exciting.
214
00:10:47,552 --> 00:10:50,030
I've never bought anything
on the black market before.
215
00:10:50,031 --> 00:10:54,087
I'm still afraid to go to that
Filipino market around the corner.
216
00:10:58,784 --> 00:11:00,075
Are you the guy?
217
00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:02,880
I don't know.
Are you the girl?
218
00:11:02,882 --> 00:11:06,198
So far,
this musical sucks.
219
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:09,790
- What's the password?
- Cronut.
220
00:11:09,792 --> 00:11:12,805
Was "1234"
already taken?
221
00:11:16,057 --> 00:11:17,957
Meet us by the door.
222
00:11:17,959 --> 00:11:21,191
Which is code for,
"Meet us by the door."
223
00:11:21,193 --> 00:11:25,187
Which is code for,
"You're really bad at code."
224
00:11:25,489 --> 00:11:29,184
Okay, let's talk about our plan.
It's a classic good cop/bad cop.
225
00:11:29,186 --> 00:11:32,420
I'm gonna ask the guy for ten cronuts,
and he's gonna quote me 250.
226
00:11:32,421 --> 00:11:34,892
Right, then I play bad cop
and act outraged.
227
00:11:34,893 --> 00:11:37,235
And then I play good cop,
and we settle at 200.
228
00:11:37,236 --> 00:11:40,596
Yeah, and don't worry about me.
I'll improve some good stuff on the spot.
229
00:11:40,598 --> 00:11:42,480
Are you sure you don't
want to run it by me first?
230
00:11:42,496 --> 00:11:44,169
I was in an improve group
at Wharton.
231
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:46,774
We were called
"The fun percent."
232
00:11:46,776 --> 00:11:51,281
And I can imagine myself not laughing
with 99% of the audience.
233
00:11:54,584 --> 00:11:55,923
Let's make it quick.
234
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:59,251
You're not the only girls
in town who want my nuts!
235
00:11:59,997 --> 00:12:01,932
I assume you mean cronuts.
236
00:12:01,934 --> 00:12:04,887
No, I'm also
a male prostitute.
237
00:12:05,674 --> 00:12:07,542
Let's see the product.
238
00:12:15,820 --> 00:12:18,947
She meant
the other baked goods.
239
00:12:20,172 --> 00:12:22,873
You got to be clear.
240
00:12:24,505 --> 00:12:27,643
Pretty maids,
all in a row.
241
00:12:27,644 --> 00:12:30,083
Let mama get a taste.
242
00:12:30,744 --> 00:12:32,912
That's pure.
How much for ten?
243
00:12:32,993 --> 00:12:35,361
I know I said 250 earlier,
but...
244
00:12:35,362 --> 00:12:38,483
Bullcrap!
150 or we walk, bitch!
245
00:12:38,485 --> 00:12:43,074
Okay, let's all just calm down.
It's a really good deal, Max.
246
00:12:43,075 --> 00:12:45,224
How about we settle at 200
and call it a night?
247
00:12:45,225 --> 00:12:47,155
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
About that.
248
00:12:47,156 --> 00:12:49,825
I be getting mad offers
for these things tonight.
249
00:12:49,859 --> 00:12:54,215
I actually got to raise it
to 300, or I walk.
250
00:12:54,216 --> 00:12:55,752
Bitch.
251
00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:59,176
Ooh, ow, ow,
ooh, your hands are cold.
252
00:12:59,681 --> 00:13:01,217
What'd you call me?
253
00:13:01,219 --> 00:13:03,753
- Nothing.
- That's what I thought.
254
00:13:03,754 --> 00:13:07,501
She said 200. We'll pay 200.
And you'll take it.
255
00:13:07,502 --> 00:13:11,497
You'll shove it in this hanes
her way hoodie you're wearing,
256
00:13:11,498 --> 00:13:16,063
you'll say, "Thank you, Max"
and you'll hit the bricks, capisce?
257
00:13:16,064 --> 00:13:17,564
Caroline, cash.
258
00:13:21,281 --> 00:13:22,880
- Thank you, Max.
- What'd you say?
259
00:13:22,882 --> 00:13:24,612
Thank you, Max!
260
00:13:24,925 --> 00:13:27,994
I've got the chills now.
Do you guys serve tea?
261
00:13:31,212 --> 00:13:32,792
How's that for bad cop?
262
00:13:32,794 --> 00:13:37,268
Riveting. I felt like I was watching
Bakery edition.
263
00:13:43,207 --> 00:13:46,274
Okay, here we go.
This is the last one.
264
00:13:46,276 --> 00:13:47,868
You want this cronut?
265
00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:50,319
Lift up your shirt
and let me see 'em.
266
00:13:52,020 --> 00:13:55,362
Go get Han. I want to show him
what an ab is.
267
00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:59,459
Max, you should see the line.
It's halfway down the block.
268
00:13:59,460 --> 00:14:02,853
- We have a line. It's working.
- But what's gonna happen now?
269
00:14:02,854 --> 00:14:05,589
I worked at Target the Christmas,
they ran out of Tickle me Elmo,
270
00:14:05,591 --> 00:14:08,592
and... there was so much blood.
271
00:14:08,753 --> 00:14:12,424
As planned, we'll just calmly
switch to our delicious cupcakes,
272
00:14:12,425 --> 00:14:14,634
and then those'll sell out too
because they're that good.
273
00:14:14,635 --> 00:14:16,044
Okay.
274
00:14:16,401 --> 00:14:19,072
Attention, everyone.
Everyone, can I have your attention?
275
00:14:19,074 --> 00:14:23,175
Actually, we are very sorry, but
we are now sold out of cronuts.
276
00:14:24,578 --> 00:14:27,104
We do, however,
have something even better...
277
00:14:27,105 --> 00:14:28,720
Max's homemade cupcakes.
278
00:14:31,068 --> 00:14:32,718
All right, go!
279
00:14:32,719 --> 00:14:35,286
Leave.
Chase your stupid trends.
280
00:14:35,288 --> 00:14:37,055
But we're not worried!
Cupcakes are classic!
281
00:14:37,057 --> 00:14:38,257
We're Audrey Hepburn!
282
00:14:38,259 --> 00:14:40,109
Max, cupcakes are over.
283
00:14:40,238 --> 00:14:43,082
And you know why? Because
cupcakes are just one thing.
284
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,398
If we had two things,
then we'd be something.
285
00:14:45,399 --> 00:14:46,964
That does it.
I'm calling the dealer.
286
00:14:46,966 --> 00:14:48,520
I don't think
we should order more cronuts.
287
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:51,754
Oh, no, I mean my drug dealer.
I need to take the edge off.
288
00:14:51,755 --> 00:14:56,291
This sucks. I feel worse about myself
than I did when I dropped the torso man.
289
00:14:57,568 --> 00:15:01,410
- What are you doing with those fries?
- I'm dipping 'em in frosting.
290
00:15:01,412 --> 00:15:02,946
I do it when I'm depressed.
291
00:15:02,948 --> 00:15:06,148
I went right from baby food
into fries in frosting.
292
00:15:06,150 --> 00:15:08,051
Is it good?
It looks disgusting.
293
00:15:08,053 --> 00:15:11,119
It is both.
Just taste it.
294
00:15:12,142 --> 00:15:14,023
These are pretty good.
295
00:15:14,025 --> 00:15:17,501
Sweet and salty.
Cupcakes and fries.
296
00:15:17,984 --> 00:15:20,150
That's two things.
297
00:15:20,567 --> 00:15:23,501
Cake fries.
We're millionaires.
298
00:15:23,503 --> 00:15:28,617
My willingness to eat anything
finally pays off!
299
00:15:28,923 --> 00:15:31,608
Wait, are you sure it's not
just us being desperate?
300
00:15:31,609 --> 00:15:34,010
Like, when Adam Levine made
that music video in Brooklyn
301
00:15:34,012 --> 00:15:36,781
and you walked past the set
all day in a wet tank top?
302
00:15:36,783 --> 00:15:38,685
It can't hurt to put them
out there.
303
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:41,289
That's what you said
that day too.
304
00:15:48,150 --> 00:15:51,577
- Just sit down for a second, Han.
- But this is the middle of a shift.
305
00:15:51,578 --> 00:15:54,406
I'm gonna tell everyone you're
in the middle of a male-to-female shift
306
00:15:54,408 --> 00:15:56,275
if you don't sit down.
307
00:15:56,277 --> 00:15:57,593
All right.
308
00:15:57,594 --> 00:15:59,961
You are here tonight
to taste the next big thing.
309
00:15:59,962 --> 00:16:03,837
Okay, now you're just repeating
my pick-up lines back to me.
310
00:16:04,082 --> 00:16:08,652
No, it's a new dessert, and we've
assembled the perfect focus group...
311
00:16:08,654 --> 00:16:11,489
A black man, a pig,
and a health fanatic.
312
00:16:11,491 --> 00:16:13,058
Y'all know who you are.
313
00:16:13,060 --> 00:16:16,724
I suppose I have been
trying to eat better lately.
314
00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:19,753
Hey, extra, extra!
Read all about it!
315
00:16:19,754 --> 00:16:22,693
I'm bisexual now!
316
00:16:24,701 --> 00:16:29,175
Oh, perfect, now we have
the LGBTQ community represented.
317
00:16:29,177 --> 00:16:31,611
- What's the "Q"?
- Questioning.
318
00:16:31,613 --> 00:16:34,207
And answered.
319
00:16:34,301 --> 00:16:37,370
Hey, everybody.
Meet Veronica.
320
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:41,172
She's cute, she's black, she has
short blonde hair, she's exciting.
321
00:16:41,173 --> 00:16:45,382
- And we met in Soul Cycle class.
- Yes, we did.
322
00:16:45,383 --> 00:16:48,519
I slipped in her sweat
and she bought me a Luna bar.
323
00:16:48,767 --> 00:16:52,897
Now?
Now you're bisexual?
324
00:16:54,782 --> 00:16:58,246
Well, yeah, you got
to keep up with the trends.
325
00:16:59,117 --> 00:17:02,223
Okay, focus group.
Let's focus.
326
00:17:02,224 --> 00:17:04,974
This is our new product,
called Cake Fries.
327
00:17:04,975 --> 00:17:06,177
Cute, right?
328
00:17:06,178 --> 00:17:07,925
You just take a fry
from the left side,
329
00:17:07,926 --> 00:17:09,826
dip it into the cupcake frosting
on the right,
330
00:17:09,827 --> 00:17:12,395
and enjoy your sweet,
yet savory dessert.
331
00:17:12,534 --> 00:17:16,687
Is this woman seriously trying
to teach me how to eat food?
332
00:17:17,010 --> 00:17:20,379
Oh, no, this looks very fattening,
and I've been on a fast.
333
00:17:20,381 --> 00:17:24,627
- One lick isn't going to kill you.
- Yeah, just ask Sophie.
334
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,681
Okay, one bite.
335
00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:30,732
Now I don't want any of you
to hold back.
336
00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:32,834
Be completely honest
in your criticism.
337
00:17:32,836 --> 00:17:34,894
- Well, I feel like...
- Shut up, Han.
338
00:17:34,949 --> 00:17:38,098
No, I was gonna say
this is very good.
339
00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:40,066
Too good.
340
00:17:40,973 --> 00:17:44,507
Uh-oh, look away, girls.
You've released the Kraken.
341
00:17:45,249 --> 00:17:48,262
Damn.
That is tasty.
342
00:17:48,263 --> 00:17:51,471
Now you may have
given me diabetes,
343
00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:54,460
as I have just lost the feeling
in my left foot.
344
00:17:54,567 --> 00:17:59,135
You know what, I think
I might be trisexual,
345
00:17:59,136 --> 00:18:02,339
because I'm having a love affair
with these cake fries.
346
00:18:02,340 --> 00:18:04,744
Oh, my gosh,
this is gross.
347
00:18:04,745 --> 00:18:06,618
And it's very messy.
348
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:09,905
Oh, come on,
then what was earlier?
349
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,524
Okay, everyone,
this is all very helpful.
350
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:14,195
We're still
working some things out.
351
00:18:14,731 --> 00:18:18,101
Uh-oh.
My tummy feels funny.
352
00:18:18,104 --> 00:18:20,742
You mean your ab is hurting?
353
00:18:21,941 --> 00:18:24,643
Han, your first food in a week
probably shouldn't have been
354
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,214
a fistful of fries
and frosting.
355
00:18:27,216 --> 00:18:29,717
You know what, guys?
We've all worked hard today.
356
00:18:29,719 --> 00:18:32,597
- Let's call it a night.
- But it's only 9:00.
357
00:18:32,598 --> 00:18:33,898
Pardon me. Excuse me.
358
00:18:33,962 --> 00:18:36,546
Uh-oh. You don't want
to see that...
359
00:18:36,571 --> 00:18:38,071
Look out!
360
00:18:38,072 --> 00:18:40,356
Move it.
Move it or lose it.
361
00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:42,540
Move it or I lose it.
362
00:18:42,542 --> 00:18:45,100
Out of way, out of my way now!
363
00:18:49,708 --> 00:18:52,071
Oh, dear...
364
00:18:52,939 --> 00:18:55,357
This is more embarrassing
than when Han fell asleep
365
00:18:55,358 --> 00:18:58,730
and Oleg drew a penis
on his face.
366
00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:03,406
I traced that penis
on his face.
367
00:19:06,501 --> 00:19:10,273
Now you dip the fries in the frosting,
but I find the best way to eat this
368
00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:12,843
is to first make sure
you feel super empty inside.
369
00:19:12,844 --> 00:19:15,434
Not gonna be a problem.
370
00:19:15,828 --> 00:19:17,963
These are adorable.
371
00:19:17,965 --> 00:19:20,102
Could you please
take a picture of me with it?
372
00:19:20,104 --> 00:19:21,936
It's so cute.
373
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,808
And make sure
you hashtag that picture
374
00:19:27,810 --> 00:19:31,546
"Max's homemade cake fries"
when you post it online.
375
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:37,015
A sad girl smiling
with our cake fries.
376
00:19:37,016 --> 00:19:40,870
Once that hits iVillage, we'll be
knee-deep in canvas totes and cankles.
377
00:19:40,871 --> 00:19:43,203
Here you go!
378
00:19:43,204 --> 00:19:46,023
Sorry, that was our last cake fries.
We'll have more tomorrow.
379
00:19:46,094 --> 00:19:49,132
- Wait. We sold out?
- We sold out!
380
00:19:49,134 --> 00:19:51,073
Oh, my god!
We sold out!
381
00:19:51,074 --> 00:19:54,440
Yes! I'm a sell-out!
Let's buy a helicopter!
382
00:19:54,441 --> 00:19:56,194
Hi, girls.
383
00:19:56,428 --> 00:20:00,093
Oh, hey, Sophie. We're sorry,
but we just ran out of cake fries.
384
00:20:00,094 --> 00:20:03,469
Oh, that's fine by me.
I'm going back to the basics.
385
00:20:03,477 --> 00:20:05,677
Cupcakes and penis.
386
00:20:07,085 --> 00:20:10,954
Here's your cupcake.
We don't sell the other basic.
387
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:13,701
Mm...
388
00:20:13,812 --> 00:20:15,544
You know,
it's nice to eat something
389
00:20:15,545 --> 00:20:18,784
you don't have to compliment
every five minutes.
390
00:20:23,568 --> 00:20:25,168
You know what, Max?
391
00:20:25,169 --> 00:20:27,970
Cupcakes, cronuts,
cake fries, whatever.
392
00:20:28,003 --> 00:20:32,102
We're gonna be successful because we have
the two things that really matter...
393
00:20:32,103 --> 00:20:33,740
You and me.
394
00:20:33,742 --> 00:20:37,809
We're kinda like cake fries.
I mean, salty and sweet.
395
00:20:37,811 --> 00:20:41,043
- I'm sweet...
- And I've been assaulted.
396
00:20:44,513 --> 00:20:47,513
Sync & corrections: Reef
www.addic7ed.com