1
00:00:04,231 --> 00:00:06,744
And... time!
37 minutes.

2
00:00:06,769 --> 00:00:10,136
We got from the apartment to the subway
to the pastry school in record time.

3
00:00:10,161 --> 00:00:13,181
I mean, I'm not wearing a bra and
my thong may be on backwards.

4
00:00:14,534 --> 00:00:17,580
There's no wrong way to wear a thong,
as long as it's uncomfortable.

5
00:00:18,459 --> 00:00:20,389
And with you,
the bra's just for decoration.

6
00:00:20,414 --> 00:00:24,096
I have to wear one 'cause you get a ticket
for not putting the kids in a car seat.

7
00:00:25,696 --> 00:00:28,196
See you in class, guys.
I gotta say good-bye to my wife.

8
00:00:31,217 --> 00:00:34,366
- Did you think I was gonna kiss you?
- Yes!

9
00:00:34,391 --> 00:00:37,368
I'm the wife, you're the husband, who
I caught wearing my clothes one day,

10
00:00:37,393 --> 00:00:39,393
but I don't say anything about it...

11
00:00:39,597 --> 00:00:41,819
- Morning, guys.
- Oh, hi, Bebe.

12
00:00:41,821 --> 00:00:43,588
Surprised to see me, right?

13
00:00:43,590 --> 00:00:45,748
Everyone always thinks I'm not
gonna make it through the night,

14
00:00:45,749 --> 00:00:49,627
but here I am,
even surprised myself.

15
00:00:49,629 --> 00:00:51,465
What's it like working
in an office

16
00:00:51,467 --> 00:00:53,966
with someone who's about
to snap like a breadstick?

17
00:00:55,146 --> 00:00:57,948
Not as much fun
as you'd think.

18
00:00:57,950 --> 00:01:01,139
But Bebe's sweet, and working here
is putting you through pastry school.

19
00:01:01,140 --> 00:01:02,850
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.

20
00:01:03,578 --> 00:01:06,313
- I want a divorce.
- I already filed.

21
00:01:08,858 --> 00:01:11,278
Season 3, Episode 11
"And the Life After Death"

22
00:01:16,690 --> 00:01:19,690
Synced by dcdah & Reef
www.addic7ed.com

23
00:01:21,007 --> 00:01:24,456
Hey, wife, I need $5 to pay
for a spatula I broke yesterday.

24
00:01:24,457 --> 00:01:26,895
I was having
a Gordon Ramsay moment.

25
00:01:28,496 --> 00:01:30,646
I'd have sex with him,
by the way.

26
00:01:31,169 --> 00:01:35,160
Why? He'd just be yelling at you
and telling you you're doing it wrong.

27
00:01:36,184 --> 00:01:38,432
Yeah, sex.

28
00:01:38,988 --> 00:01:41,155
Take it.
It's in my purse.

29
00:01:41,157 --> 00:01:44,178
Yo, Bebe, you got any extra
pills you're not taking?

30
00:01:44,864 --> 00:01:47,936
No, I'm taking them all.

31
00:01:47,938 --> 00:01:51,700
- Oh, my God, no.
- What? I just wanted one. Or two.

32
00:01:51,701 --> 00:01:54,974
Just to take the edge off. I have
a whipped cream final at 3:00.

33
00:01:55,046 --> 00:01:59,125
No. In the obituaries.
I know this person.

34
00:01:59,568 --> 00:02:03,373
"Antonia Florentino, 80,
died peacefully in her sleep."

35
00:02:03,375 --> 00:02:05,741
That's a suicide, right?

36
00:02:10,491 --> 00:02:12,058
She was my nanny.

37
00:02:12,060 --> 00:02:14,494
You still have a nanny?

38
00:02:14,496 --> 00:02:16,313
Lucky...

39
00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:20,135
She took care of me
most of my childhood.

40
00:02:20,137 --> 00:02:23,407
- I loved her so much.
- So sorry...

41
00:02:23,409 --> 00:02:25,903
That's kind of how I felt
about my old neighbor, Carla.

42
00:02:25,904 --> 00:02:27,548
I mean, she didn't
take care of me,

43
00:02:27,550 --> 00:02:30,504
but when I was a kid, she used
to let me drink out of her hose.

44
00:02:31,292 --> 00:02:34,062
The last time I saw Antonia,
she was driving me

45
00:02:34,064 --> 00:02:37,968
and a sloppy Nelly Furtado
to the Teen Choice Awards.

46
00:02:37,970 --> 00:02:42,023
Oh, are we allowed to cry at work now?
'Cause I only do it in my car.

47
00:02:49,389 --> 00:02:52,358
Max, you know what
I just realized?

48
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:56,164
This is the first time I've been here
since my nanny died.

49
00:02:56,166 --> 00:02:59,161
You just said that
at Chipotle.

50
00:02:59,708 --> 00:03:03,611
And then you said it again ten
minutes later, also at Chipotle.

51
00:03:03,613 --> 00:03:07,880
Show some sensitivity. I was
crying because my nanny died.

52
00:03:07,882 --> 00:03:12,049
And also because our
grief brunch was at Chipotle.

53
00:03:12,051 --> 00:03:14,021
Caroline, your nanny passed?

54
00:03:14,023 --> 00:03:16,491
My sympathies, sweetheart.
That's a shame.

55
00:03:16,493 --> 00:03:18,794
But there is nothing better
than a black funeral.

56
00:03:18,796 --> 00:03:22,815
I'm still hung over
from my grandpa's in '84.

57
00:03:23,572 --> 00:03:25,708
Earl, my nanny was white.

58
00:03:25,710 --> 00:03:29,031
Your nanny was white?
Child, you were rich.

59
00:03:29,949 --> 00:03:31,430
Have you seen Han?

60
00:03:31,431 --> 00:03:34,250
The funeral's in Philadelphia
tomorrow, and I need the day off.

61
00:03:34,269 --> 00:03:38,326
Well, I think I saw him earlier, but
then again, it might have been a cat.

62
00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:43,288
Hey, we both need the day off.
I'm going with you for moral support/

63
00:03:43,289 --> 00:03:47,321
my first cheese steak/ I want to ride
the liberty bell like a wrecking ball.

64
00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:51,129
I just read the craziest article
in this Popular Science

65
00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:54,500
about white dwarfs,
black holes, and Uranus.

66
00:03:56,001 --> 00:03:58,701
Oh, no.
Let me start over.

67
00:03:59,070 --> 00:04:02,607
Han, we need tomorrow off. My nanny died.
She was like a mother to me.

68
00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:05,480
But she was not your mother.
And diner rules clearly state

69
00:04:05,482 --> 00:04:08,014
you can only take off for
the death of a family member.

70
00:04:08,016 --> 00:04:11,529
Well, the rules also say
"No drinking on the job", but...

71
00:04:15,090 --> 00:04:17,093
Okay, yes, you can go.

72
00:04:17,095 --> 00:04:19,796
Because in my culture, it's important
to honor the elderly.

73
00:04:19,798 --> 00:04:23,521
I shared a bunk bed with
a 97-year-old till I was 22.

74
00:04:23,835 --> 00:04:26,794
Were you on
the top or the bottom?

75
00:04:27,141 --> 00:04:29,643
Oh, I was always the bottom.

76
00:04:34,487 --> 00:04:37,088
Oh, no.
Let me start over.

77
00:04:38,223 --> 00:04:39,423
Hey, Caroline.

78
00:04:39,425 --> 00:04:41,992
I got your nanny death text.

79
00:04:41,994 --> 00:04:44,366
So I'm wearing black
out of respect.

80
00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:47,830
And also, I got my period.

81
00:04:48,473 --> 00:04:52,825
- Thanks, Sophie. That's lovely.
- It is? Which part?

82
00:04:53,415 --> 00:04:56,286
You know, back in Poland
when my nanny died,

83
00:04:56,288 --> 00:05:01,026
I was so heartbroken,
I could barely eat her.

84
00:05:09,038 --> 00:05:11,809
You ate your dead nanny?

85
00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:16,016
Well, a goat's a goat.
It doesn't matter what you name it.

86
00:05:16,018 --> 00:05:19,018
It's still good goat meat.

87
00:05:19,723 --> 00:05:22,492
All right,
I'll be in my booth.

88
00:05:22,494 --> 00:05:26,296
I'm going to order a tuna melt
and three Midol, please.

89
00:05:28,199 --> 00:05:29,666
Wait, how are
we gonna get there?

90
00:05:29,668 --> 00:05:32,133
Oh, Bebe said she had a car,
we can just ask her.

91
00:05:32,135 --> 00:05:33,699
I don't want to get
in a car with her.

92
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:36,535
I don't even want to get
in a conversation with her.

93
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:37,870
I can drive you.

94
00:05:37,872 --> 00:05:39,341
We just have to stop
at my sister's

95
00:05:39,343 --> 00:05:41,344
in Bucks County,
pick up an unmarked package,

96
00:05:41,346 --> 00:05:44,950
and swing by Connecticut
to drop it off.

97
00:05:44,952 --> 00:05:47,884
Oleg, is there anything illegal
about this delivery?

98
00:05:47,886 --> 00:05:51,891
No, it's just some shoes...
Stuffed with cocaine.

99
00:05:52,257 --> 00:05:55,297
Also the shoes are made
of hashish.

100
00:05:55,299 --> 00:05:57,466
I'll call Bebe.

101
00:05:57,468 --> 00:06:01,837
Okay, but I'm sitting in the back 'cause
I don't want the crazy to get on me.

102
00:06:09,312 --> 00:06:12,957
Bebe, I can't thank you enough
for driving us to the funeral.

103
00:06:13,817 --> 00:06:16,716
We're only going 20.
You can go faster if you want.

104
00:06:16,786 --> 00:06:19,795
Yeah, we just got passed
by a tree.

105
00:06:19,797 --> 00:06:22,873
And I'm especially thrilled
your nervous cocker spaniel

106
00:06:22,874 --> 00:06:26,012
with gas and hot spots
got to join us.

107
00:06:26,922 --> 00:06:28,891
Okay, now you're going 100.

108
00:06:28,893 --> 00:06:30,970
We can go slower if you want.

109
00:06:30,971 --> 00:06:33,425
Sorry. Extremes...
That's my thing.

110
00:06:33,505 --> 00:06:36,472
One time I moved to Tokyo
for a day.

111
00:06:36,970 --> 00:06:39,093
Max, it just hit me again.

112
00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:41,503
I know. It's like
she feeds him broccoli.

113
00:06:42,286 --> 00:06:45,889
No. That Antonia
is really dead.

114
00:06:45,891 --> 00:06:49,059
Well, the good news is, according to
Yelp, she's dead about two blocks

115
00:06:49,061 --> 00:06:51,060
from the famous Philly
cheese steak place.

116
00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:54,232
- Max, show some respect.
- Well, I didn't know her.

117
00:06:54,234 --> 00:06:57,937
In fact, I only know her as the lady who
brought me and cheese steaks together.

118
00:06:57,939 --> 00:07:00,272
Even though we've never met,
it'll mean so much

119
00:07:00,274 --> 00:07:03,209
to Antonia’s family
that I came out of respect.

120
00:07:03,211 --> 00:07:04,747
It'll mean so much
to my therapist

121
00:07:04,749 --> 00:07:08,217
that I left my safe zone and
only brought one of the dogs.

122
00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:10,621
Max, do you think
in addition to my eulogy,

123
00:07:10,623 --> 00:07:12,992
I should read something
from my childhood journal?

124
00:07:12,994 --> 00:07:15,464
I don't, but I think you're
gonna do it anyway.

125
00:07:15,466 --> 00:07:18,271
"Christmas morning, 1997.

126
00:07:18,273 --> 00:07:20,641
"Antonia woke me up
with a cup of hot cocoa"

127
00:07:20,643 --> 00:07:24,112
"and my favorite peppermint stick,
and then we opened presents."

128
00:07:24,114 --> 00:07:26,183
Christmas morning, 1997.

129
00:07:26,185 --> 00:07:28,220
I threw cold water
on my mother's face.

130
00:07:28,222 --> 00:07:30,988
New Year's day...
Still no movement.

131
00:07:32,924 --> 00:07:36,427
This is the only picture
I still have of us.

132
00:07:36,429 --> 00:07:39,768
It was our first Halloween together.
I was four.

133
00:07:39,770 --> 00:07:43,239
Look at that cute little baby
chick costume she made me.

134
00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:48,371
- Aw, so cute.
- Car.

135
00:07:49,984 --> 00:07:52,553
I never had
a Halloween costume.

136
00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:54,658
I used to put my hair
in a messy bun

137
00:07:54,660 --> 00:07:57,995
and stumble from door-to-door
telling people I was my mother.

138
00:07:57,997 --> 00:08:00,866
This Halloween, I went
as my doctor, Michael.

139
00:08:00,868 --> 00:08:04,546
And I dressed up my buddy
here as his lover, Joseph.

140
00:08:05,072 --> 00:08:07,042
We lost.

141
00:08:07,908 --> 00:08:09,639
Antonia was always there
for me...

142
00:08:09,641 --> 00:08:12,076
Halloween, Christmas, Easter...
Every holiday.

143
00:08:12,078 --> 00:08:13,579
Really, every day.

144
00:08:13,581 --> 00:08:17,348
- She was really like a mother to me.
- Where was your real mother?

145
00:08:17,350 --> 00:08:19,783
Hey, what kind of dog is that?
I mean, besides "sad"?

146
00:08:19,785 --> 00:08:21,651
Her mother had an affair,
got pushed out.

147
00:08:21,653 --> 00:08:24,416
That's her hot spot,
so don't lick it.

148
00:08:24,925 --> 00:08:27,628
It's okay, Max,
I don't need any protection.

149
00:08:27,630 --> 00:08:29,063
You don't need protection?

150
00:08:29,065 --> 00:08:31,032
Who are you,
every guy I've ever dated?

151
00:08:31,034 --> 00:08:34,937
Bebe, yes, my mother was unfaithful
to my father, so she was sent away.

152
00:08:34,939 --> 00:08:37,041
But I had Antonia
and she took care of me.

153
00:08:37,043 --> 00:08:38,675
She was my family.

154
00:08:38,677 --> 00:08:40,877
That must have been hard.
Everybody needs a mother.

155
00:08:40,879 --> 00:08:43,279
I'd be crazy
without my mother.

156
00:08:43,281 --> 00:08:46,184
She drives me to
all my appointments.

157
00:08:46,186 --> 00:08:47,954
But you drive.

158
00:08:47,956 --> 00:08:49,556
Yeah...

159
00:08:49,558 --> 00:08:52,162
But I'm not supposed to.

160
00:08:57,570 --> 00:09:00,571
It's okay I asked Bebe
to wait in the car, right?

161
00:09:00,573 --> 00:09:03,242
I mean, she'll be okay.
We cracked a window.

162
00:09:03,244 --> 00:09:05,882
Yeah, and she's got
a bowl and a chew-toy.

163
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:10,051
Come on, let's sign in.

164
00:09:10,053 --> 00:09:12,852
Max, I have to keep it together
when I meet the family.

165
00:09:12,854 --> 00:09:14,520
I can't be all emotional.

166
00:09:14,522 --> 00:09:18,192
Look, my hand's shaking.
This is terrible.

167
00:09:22,069 --> 00:09:24,369
What? It was
a terrible signature.

168
00:09:24,371 --> 00:09:25,970
And there were only five
other names on the page.

169
00:09:25,972 --> 00:09:27,872
Get rid of it.

170
00:09:27,874 --> 00:09:29,308
"Get rid of it"?

171
00:09:29,310 --> 00:09:32,345
Who are you,
every guy I've ever dated?

172
00:09:32,785 --> 00:09:35,317
"Caroline Channing."

173
00:09:35,319 --> 00:09:37,085
Here, Max.

174
00:09:37,087 --> 00:09:38,654
Oh, look.

175
00:09:38,656 --> 00:09:41,189
The flowers and everything are
so beautiful.

176
00:09:41,191 --> 00:09:42,764
There you go.

177
00:09:42,881 --> 00:09:47,795
You signed
"Phil E. Cheese Steak"?

178
00:09:47,797 --> 00:09:52,200
You told me not to mention it
anymore, so it's just a reminder.

179
00:09:52,202 --> 00:09:54,869
Okay, Max, there are gonna
be a lot of people

180
00:09:54,871 --> 00:09:57,237
who will want my attention,
so please be patient

181
00:09:57,239 --> 00:09:59,372
and stand next to me for
the occasional supportive lean.

182
00:09:59,374 --> 00:10:01,037
And if someone starts
to get too weepy,

183
00:10:01,052 --> 00:10:03,341
push them out of the way because
I can't get tears on this dress.

184
00:10:03,342 --> 00:10:05,908
It has to be back
to Barneys by 9:00 A.M.

185
00:10:06,712 --> 00:10:09,813
- You're here.
- Here we go, Max.

186
00:10:14,050 --> 00:10:16,984
I was talking to him.

187
00:10:22,014 --> 00:10:24,986
Of course you were.
It's a very sad day for us all.

188
00:10:27,305 --> 00:10:29,974
That was rough.

189
00:10:33,654 --> 00:10:37,255
Oh. Max, look.
This is Antonia.

190
00:10:37,256 --> 00:10:40,174
- Wow. She looks really nice.
- She was.

191
00:10:40,176 --> 00:10:42,421
I didn't know
she was in the military.

192
00:10:42,422 --> 00:10:45,882
But it does explain those
fabulous bed sheet corners.

193
00:10:45,884 --> 00:10:48,518
Wait, you didn't know
your nanny was a marine?

194
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:50,086
That's too bad,
'cause I'd be all,

195
00:10:50,088 --> 00:10:53,788
"Yo, other little rich kid!
My nanny can snap your neck."

196
00:10:53,790 --> 00:10:58,029
Oh, look. There are
her sisters, Cecelia and Angela,

197
00:10:58,031 --> 00:11:00,569
and there are
her nieces and nephews.

198
00:11:00,570 --> 00:11:04,166
And there is not me anywhere.

199
00:11:04,168 --> 00:11:07,616
You know, my picture must be
in the coffin with the other V.I.P.s.

200
00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:12,476
If you're a V.I.P.,
can we get some bottle service?

201
00:11:12,478 --> 00:11:16,341
Good afternoon, ladies.
I'm Anthony, Antonia’s nephew.

202
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,312
- It's sad day, huh?
- Yes, it is.

203
00:11:20,783 --> 00:11:24,282
- Think I just got a little less sad.
- Oh! Anthony!

204
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:28,217
Stop. We're family.
I'm Caroline Channing.

205
00:11:28,219 --> 00:11:32,491
You're Caroline "Hot,"
is all I know.

206
00:11:32,493 --> 00:11:34,963
You ladies need cash envelopes
or you guys cool?

207
00:11:34,965 --> 00:11:38,564
I always need
a cash envelope.

208
00:11:38,566 --> 00:11:40,765
I'm sorry,
envelopes for what?

209
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:42,868
Well, at Italian wakes,
the mourners give the family

210
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:45,339
a donation after
they view the deceased.

211
00:11:45,341 --> 00:11:47,642
So it's pay-per-view?

212
00:11:47,644 --> 00:11:50,079
That was a good one.

213
00:11:50,516 --> 00:11:53,074
Hey, you want to go get
a pop later?

214
00:11:53,532 --> 00:11:55,775
We're leaving right after,
but yes, Anthony.

215
00:11:55,777 --> 00:11:58,859
- Thank you. We'll take an envelope.
- All right.

216
00:11:58,865 --> 00:12:01,165
The body's right
through there.

217
00:12:02,334 --> 00:12:05,720
- Go right ahead.
- Anthony, stop.

218
00:12:05,722 --> 00:12:09,091
I'm really nervous. I've never
seen a dead body before.

219
00:12:09,093 --> 00:12:12,578
I've seen a bunch. A couple
of them were my fault.

220
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:15,455
I don't have any cash.
Do you have any money?

221
00:12:15,456 --> 00:12:17,710
Let me check my wallet.

222
00:12:18,106 --> 00:12:21,536
This is a real Ziploc,
not one of those knock-offs.

223
00:12:24,279 --> 00:12:27,456
Make sure you seal the envelope,
so people think it's all quarters.

224
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:31,120
Max, we're next. I'm afraid.
Hold my hand.

225
00:12:31,122 --> 00:12:35,134
Hold hands? What are we?
On a Christian mingle fifth date?

226
00:12:36,827 --> 00:12:38,629
Please, Max.
I'm nervous.

227
00:12:38,631 --> 00:12:40,632
- Oh, God.
- Thank you.

228
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,367
Okay. Now give it back.

229
00:12:42,369 --> 00:12:45,325
What? That was just
my longest relationship.

230
00:12:45,707 --> 00:12:48,809
Plus, I need it to put
this change in the envelope.

231
00:12:52,124 --> 00:12:54,612
Oh, she looks so peaceful.

232
00:12:54,614 --> 00:12:58,684
Hi, Antonia.
It's me, Caroline.

233
00:12:58,686 --> 00:13:00,987
Should I kiss her? The family
is right there watching.

234
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:02,956
The lady before us
kissed her.

235
00:13:02,958 --> 00:13:05,694
Go for it. Doesn't look
like she'd fight you.

236
00:13:06,692 --> 00:13:08,693
Okay, on the count of three.

237
00:13:08,695 --> 00:13:10,528
One, two...

238
00:13:10,537 --> 00:13:12,395
No! Max, hold my hand again
while I...

239
00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:17,831
What do we do?

240
00:13:17,833 --> 00:13:20,733
Wait, leave it! We were
giving it to them anyway.

241
00:13:20,735 --> 00:13:23,436
Not all of it.
That's our cheese steak money.

242
00:13:23,438 --> 00:13:25,639
Leave it. Come on.

243
00:13:25,641 --> 00:13:28,675
I am so, so sorry
about that.

244
00:13:28,677 --> 00:13:31,242
My nerves got the best of me.
You understand.

245
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:34,243
- I'm Cecelia, Antonia’s...
- Sister. I know.

246
00:13:34,245 --> 00:13:37,673
I see the resemblance.
I'm Caroline.

247
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:42,022
Caroline who?

248
00:13:42,024 --> 00:13:44,357
Oh. Caroline Channing.

249
00:13:46,724 --> 00:13:49,527
Caroline Channing who?

250
00:13:49,529 --> 00:13:52,265
You're having a hard time
processing. Understandable.

251
00:13:52,267 --> 00:13:54,570
It's been a very emotional day
for us all.

252
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:59,007
Who is this girl? You, I feel
like I've seen somewhere.

253
00:13:59,009 --> 00:14:02,343
Are you Ricky's girl
from Rochester?

254
00:14:02,345 --> 00:14:05,819
I could be.
What's in it for me?

255
00:14:06,753 --> 00:14:09,454
Antonia used to take care
of me when I was little.

256
00:14:09,456 --> 00:14:12,688
Oh, Antonia was
your baby-sitter.

257
00:14:12,690 --> 00:14:14,788
Very nice of you to come.

258
00:14:14,790 --> 00:14:17,632
Well, she was hardly
my "baby-sitter."

259
00:14:17,633 --> 00:14:20,095
She took care of me
every day for ten years.

260
00:14:20,097 --> 00:14:22,699
Caroline.
Caroline Channing.

261
00:14:22,701 --> 00:14:26,635
I'm sorry, but I don't
know who you are, sweetheart,

262
00:14:26,637 --> 00:14:31,469
though it seems to be
what you're hammering me about.

263
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:35,242
If you'll excuse me,
I need a cigarette.

264
00:14:35,244 --> 00:14:39,113
And then I got to remove some
of those pennies off of my sister.

265
00:14:39,115 --> 00:14:42,844
It's a coffin,
not a wishing well.

266
00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:56,409
This funeral turned out
to be very depressing.

267
00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:58,323
Well, yeah.

268
00:14:58,325 --> 00:15:01,025
Dead body in the room,
generally a buzz-kill.

269
00:15:01,027 --> 00:15:05,596
Unless it's an Irish wake... Then
you're playing beer pong off the coffin.

270
00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:09,488
No, I mean, how is it possible
that the family doesn't know me?

271
00:15:09,489 --> 00:15:11,781
Did Antonia never
even mention me?

272
00:15:11,783 --> 00:15:15,784
Let's focus on the positive.
Anthony really liked your ass.

273
00:15:16,279 --> 00:15:18,712
I know what
Antonia and I had.

274
00:15:18,713 --> 00:15:20,413
This is what we had.

275
00:15:20,415 --> 00:15:23,049
Peep, peep.
That's what we had.

276
00:15:23,051 --> 00:15:24,784
Well, that's a lot.

277
00:15:24,786 --> 00:15:26,319
But I guess no one
in this family

278
00:15:26,321 --> 00:15:30,013
wants to admit that, and it's a shame
too, because I had a great eulogy.

279
00:15:30,014 --> 00:15:31,447
You do?

280
00:15:31,827 --> 00:15:34,519
Yes. I do. Would you like
me to share it with you?

281
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,954
I most certainly would.

282
00:15:37,199 --> 00:15:41,167
You are not seriously eulogy-bombing
that old lady, are you?

283
00:15:41,169 --> 00:15:43,657
She asked me about
my great eulogy.

284
00:15:43,684 --> 00:15:47,210
She's a hundred. She probably thought
you said you had a great urologist.

285
00:15:48,634 --> 00:15:52,830
Do you have a pen? I'm getting
the name of her doctor.

286
00:15:54,042 --> 00:15:59,281
No, ma'am, I didn't say, "urologist."
I said, "eulogy." A great eulogy.

287
00:15:59,283 --> 00:16:03,184
Why would you give
the eulogy?

288
00:16:03,186 --> 00:16:06,033
Because I'm Caroline Channing.

289
00:16:06,034 --> 00:16:09,669
- Who?
- Caroline Channing.

290
00:16:10,062 --> 00:16:14,366
Caroline Channing...?
Antonia was my nanny.

291
00:16:14,368 --> 00:16:15,667
My family was rich,

292
00:16:15,669 --> 00:16:19,941
but then my father robbed everyone,
and we became the scourge of society,

293
00:16:19,943 --> 00:16:23,101
overshadowed a little bit by Mel Gibson
hating the Jews that same week.

294
00:16:23,102 --> 00:16:25,273
Surely, you remember?

295
00:16:25,983 --> 00:16:31,309
Honey, I don't even remember
how I got here.

296
00:16:33,762 --> 00:16:35,268
I can't believe this.

297
00:16:35,356 --> 00:16:38,123
I constructed my entire
"happy" childhood

298
00:16:38,124 --> 00:16:41,083
on the fact that even though my mom
left and apparently didn't love me,

299
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,852
Antonia did.

300
00:16:42,915 --> 00:16:46,875
And now I get here and I realize
no one loved me, I was just a paycheck.

301
00:16:46,877 --> 00:16:48,900
One of the many kids
she baby-sat.

302
00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:51,075
I don't even know
why I bothered to come.

303
00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:53,986
I'm gonna go to the restroom
and then we can just leave.

304
00:16:57,394 --> 00:16:59,733
Excuse me. Hi.

305
00:16:59,735 --> 00:17:02,036
Max, Ricky's girl.

306
00:17:02,038 --> 00:17:04,480
I know this
is a hard time for you,

307
00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:06,542
but it's a hard time
for my friend as well.

308
00:17:06,543 --> 00:17:07,991
And even though
you never heard of her,

309
00:17:07,992 --> 00:17:10,414
I was wondering if
you could just go over there,

310
00:17:10,415 --> 00:17:11,729
and say you just
remembered her,

311
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,663
and that Antonia talked
about her all the time?

312
00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:17,275
I know it's a 180 on your
original story and a lie,

313
00:17:17,713 --> 00:17:19,437
and I'd offer to pay you
for your trouble,

314
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:22,799
but my 401k is laying in that box
on top of your sister.

315
00:17:23,446 --> 00:17:28,147
Look, I only permitted
you two to stay

316
00:17:28,149 --> 00:17:31,336
'cause your Ricky was so nice
to Uncle Joe

317
00:17:31,337 --> 00:17:34,423
when he fell off the roof
last year.

318
00:17:34,425 --> 00:17:37,260
But now, you gotta go.

319
00:17:37,262 --> 00:17:40,595
Okay.
Be that way.

320
00:17:40,597 --> 00:17:44,300
But don't expect Ricky to pick up
Uncle Joe for dialysis.

321
00:17:50,450 --> 00:17:52,215
Max, what are you doing?

322
00:17:52,420 --> 00:17:55,722
The family asked me to put it up.
They just remembered you.

323
00:17:55,724 --> 00:17:56,957
Oh, my God.

324
00:17:56,959 --> 00:18:00,630
I'm so pathetic, you have to put up
my picture to make me feel better?

325
00:18:00,632 --> 00:18:03,298
In a way, yes.

326
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:07,034
It belongs up there.
Who wouldn't want to know that kid?

327
00:18:07,602 --> 00:18:10,422
Nice to meet you, Antonia.
Please don't haunt us.

328
00:18:11,241 --> 00:18:13,207
Now, let's hit the road and
get some freaking cheese steaks!

329
00:18:13,209 --> 00:18:16,377
Max, please take that down.
It's so embarrassing.

330
00:18:16,379 --> 00:18:18,712
Nobody here knows
anything about me.

331
00:18:18,714 --> 00:18:21,148
They didn't know me either,
chicken.

332
00:18:21,150 --> 00:18:22,883
Hey, who you callin' chicken?

333
00:18:22,885 --> 00:18:26,150
Me. That was
Antonia’s nickname for me.

334
00:18:26,152 --> 00:18:28,887
- You know who I am?
- Of course I do.

335
00:18:28,889 --> 00:18:31,624
Antonia's little chick,
her peep.

336
00:18:31,626 --> 00:18:33,762
She loved you.

337
00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:36,803
And she loved making you
that costume.

338
00:18:36,805 --> 00:18:40,707
Took the whole kitchen table up
with all those sequins,

339
00:18:40,709 --> 00:18:43,911
but she knew you deserved
to sparkle.

340
00:18:43,913 --> 00:18:48,051
She loved you so much,
I couldn't begin to complain.

341
00:18:48,053 --> 00:18:50,320
I'm so sorry.
What was your name?

342
00:18:50,322 --> 00:18:53,020
I'm Meg O'Hara.
I was her roommate.

343
00:18:53,022 --> 00:18:55,522
And lover.

344
00:18:55,524 --> 00:18:57,756
We were together 30 years.

345
00:18:58,825 --> 00:19:01,416
The military!

346
00:19:06,498 --> 00:19:10,000
I know, right?
I mean, come on.

347
00:19:10,002 --> 00:19:14,001
That's me with my arm
around her on that tank.

348
00:19:14,003 --> 00:19:17,572
And the family still
had no clue.

349
00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:21,174
Vintage lez...
Very cool.

350
00:19:21,176 --> 00:19:25,010
I know Toni would have
wanted you to have these.

351
00:19:26,213 --> 00:19:29,886
Oh, thanks for coming,
chicken.

352
00:19:29,888 --> 00:19:32,755
You're probably
the only person in the world

353
00:19:32,757 --> 00:19:36,227
who loved her
as purely as I did.

354
00:19:41,401 --> 00:19:43,867
Max, look.

355
00:19:43,869 --> 00:19:45,537
Christmas.

356
00:19:45,539 --> 00:19:47,674
And my birthday.

357
00:19:47,676 --> 00:19:50,879
And the Teen Choice Awards.

358
00:19:54,919 --> 00:19:57,185
I'm sorry for your loss.

359
00:20:00,159 --> 00:20:02,528
Thank you.

360
00:20:07,435 --> 00:20:09,904
Philly cheese steaks
for everybody!

361
00:20:09,906 --> 00:20:11,772
And you really haven't
lived

362
00:20:11,774 --> 00:20:13,306
until you've driven
two hours in a Chevy

363
00:20:13,308 --> 00:20:16,010
with nine cheese steaks
and a gassy animal.

364
00:20:16,012 --> 00:20:18,546
What? I ate mine
in the car.

365
00:20:18,548 --> 00:20:21,406
Hey, Earl, you missed one hell
of a funeral. You should have come.

366
00:20:21,407 --> 00:20:22,777
There were some hot
octogenarians,

367
00:20:22,778 --> 00:20:25,370
and I got a definite "jungle fever"
vibe from one of them.

368
00:20:26,093 --> 00:20:29,060
Girl, at my age, you don't go
anywhere near funerals.

369
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:31,561
You accidentally doze off,
you spend six hours

370
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:33,963
digging yourself
out of the ground.

371
00:20:37,305 --> 00:20:40,108
Hey, how you holding up,
chicken?

372
00:20:40,110 --> 00:20:41,342
I'm okay. Thanks.

373
00:20:41,344 --> 00:20:42,876
And Max, when I die,

374
00:20:42,878 --> 00:20:44,710
I don't care who else
is at my funeral,

375
00:20:44,712 --> 00:20:46,145
as long as you're there.

376
00:20:46,147 --> 00:20:50,162
Of course I'll be there. The murderer
always shows up to throw off the cops.

377
00:20:50,419 --> 00:20:52,353
Also, save the money
on a casket

378
00:20:52,355 --> 00:20:54,887
and just toss me in a hole
wearing Dior and a smoky eye.

379
00:20:54,889 --> 00:20:57,419
Unless I'm fat...
Then burn me.

380
00:20:57,421 --> 00:20:59,156
Well, I don't want
a funeral.

381
00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:01,361
When I die, just shove
my corpse into a Cannon

382
00:21:01,363 --> 00:21:04,299
and blow me directly
into the Trump Casino.

383
00:21:10,733 --> 00:21:13,733
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