1
00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:09,313
Max, that car has been parked
outside for a week now.
2
00:00:09,314 --> 00:00:12,428
Do you think they're selling drugs?
Let me rephrase that.
3
00:00:12,566 --> 00:00:14,748
Are they selling drugs
to you?
4
00:00:15,042 --> 00:00:17,755
No. They're not
buying, either.
5
00:00:19,549 --> 00:00:22,449
Hi. We have a new
mochaccino cupcake.
6
00:00:22,451 --> 00:00:26,188
Oh, no. No, no, no.
That car's not with us.
7
00:00:26,758 --> 00:00:31,304
Well, that's the third customer that
didn't stop because of that rap car.
8
00:00:31,306 --> 00:00:34,540
To be fair, this place
wasn't Walmart on Black Friday
9
00:00:34,541 --> 00:00:36,608
before the car showed up.
10
00:00:36,817 --> 00:00:38,379
I'm gonna go ask it to move.
11
00:00:38,380 --> 00:00:41,286
Cool. I'll tell your horse
you died brave.
12
00:00:41,395 --> 00:00:43,598
Stupid, but brave.
13
00:00:43,849 --> 00:00:46,282
At least take this pan,
and cover the part
14
00:00:46,283 --> 00:00:48,350
you wanna get shot in
the least.
15
00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:52,702
Hi. Can I talk to you
for a second?
16
00:00:52,816 --> 00:00:55,388
I need to see your head
at all times.
17
00:00:58,528 --> 00:01:02,622
First of all,
they're obsessed with me.
18
00:01:03,102 --> 00:01:05,306
Second of all,
I handled it.
19
00:01:06,909 --> 00:01:09,516
Have I been shot?
20
00:01:12,651 --> 00:01:15,259
Season 3, Episode 14
"And the Dumpster Sex"
21
00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:22,312
Synced by dcdah & Reef
www.addic7ed.com
22
00:01:26,776 --> 00:01:30,349
Well, I did it.
I saved the neighborhood.
23
00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:33,707
You had a car towed. You didn't
burn down the Bed, Bath & Beyond.
24
00:01:34,790 --> 00:01:37,360
It wasn't the blue one
with the tinted windows,
25
00:01:37,362 --> 00:01:39,262
aka, the murder car?
26
00:01:39,264 --> 00:01:41,928
Aka, the murder car?
27
00:01:42,715 --> 00:01:45,097
Tell me that's the name
of the make and model,
28
00:01:45,099 --> 00:01:47,519
like, "The Toyota murder".
29
00:01:47,836 --> 00:01:50,874
Are you sure you're not thinking
of the Honda stabbing?
30
00:01:50,876 --> 00:01:54,046
Caroline, some guy stopped by
asking for you
31
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:57,084
with a festive bandana
and a teardrop tattoo.
32
00:01:57,086 --> 00:01:59,788
A festive bandana
and a teardrop tattoo...
33
00:01:59,790 --> 00:02:02,094
are you sure
it wasn't my mother?
34
00:02:02,096 --> 00:02:05,501
He said he wanted to talk to you about
his car, so I gave him your number.
35
00:02:05,503 --> 00:02:07,934
- Han!
- I thought he was your friend.
36
00:02:07,936 --> 00:02:10,933
I don't have friends
with tattoos.
37
00:02:10,935 --> 00:02:14,197
I don't even have friends
with split ends.
38
00:02:14,794 --> 00:02:17,234
You gave
a stranger my number.
39
00:02:17,236 --> 00:02:19,798
Your number, your email,
and your address.
40
00:02:20,672 --> 00:02:22,369
What?
You're a busy girl.
41
00:02:22,371 --> 00:02:24,570
I didn't know the best way
for him to reach you.
42
00:02:24,572 --> 00:02:27,309
Oh, my God.
Max, am I in trouble?
43
00:02:27,311 --> 00:02:30,349
Pick-up, dead meat.
44
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:32,354
What does that mean?
45
00:02:32,356 --> 00:02:36,525
It means it's never a good idea to have
a car with tinted windows towed.
46
00:02:36,527 --> 00:02:38,426
That's rule number one.
47
00:02:38,428 --> 00:02:42,555
I thought rule number one was,
"Always wipe front to back."
48
00:02:42,865 --> 00:02:45,336
- Max, I'm worried.
- Me too.
49
00:02:45,338 --> 00:02:48,103
I thought it was
back to front.
50
00:02:49,394 --> 00:02:51,161
What's up, Nat King Cool?
51
00:02:51,163 --> 00:02:54,196
Hey, my brother
from a Jewish mother.
52
00:02:54,198 --> 00:02:58,104
Hey, my daddy
that just smoked a fatty.
53
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,409
Oh, look, Max,
it's your boyfriend.
54
00:03:02,411 --> 00:03:04,814
He's not my boyfriend.
We just made out.
55
00:03:04,815 --> 00:03:06,448
I make out with people
all the time.
56
00:03:06,450 --> 00:03:08,653
I made out with a guy
in the diner last week.
57
00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:10,257
That wasn't making out.
58
00:03:10,259 --> 00:03:13,600
He was choking,
and you gave him mouth-to-mouth.
59
00:03:14,310 --> 00:03:17,062
Yeah, but it led to sex.
Go away.
60
00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:19,872
Hey, Max, I came in
to ask you something.
61
00:03:19,873 --> 00:03:22,901
They're natural,
and they hurt my back.
62
00:03:23,467 --> 00:03:26,609
I also wanted to know if you
want to hang tomorrow night.
63
00:03:26,611 --> 00:03:29,106
We could watch TV
with our shirts off.
64
00:03:29,814 --> 00:03:33,318
Maybe. And I'll buy you
some dinner if you put out.
65
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:34,920
Ooh, so like a date.
66
00:03:34,922 --> 00:03:37,593
I'm willing to throw
$10, $15 at this thing.
67
00:03:37,595 --> 00:03:40,807
You want to throw $15
at my thing?
68
00:03:41,995 --> 00:03:43,928
Great.
69
00:03:43,929 --> 00:03:46,530
I usually charge $5.
70
00:03:47,373 --> 00:03:49,706
You came all the way here
to ask me out?
71
00:03:49,708 --> 00:03:53,190
I'm old-fashioned. Plus,
I dropped my phone in the toilet.
72
00:03:53,446 --> 00:03:56,011
- See ya tomorrow.
- Okay.
73
00:03:56,013 --> 00:03:59,215
Now go.
I have a job to not do.
74
00:03:59,217 --> 00:04:01,709
- Okay.
- Go, idiot.
75
00:04:01,710 --> 00:04:03,646
Okay, dummy.
76
00:04:07,961 --> 00:04:11,196
Okay, Han,
I can't hold you up anymore.
77
00:04:18,057 --> 00:04:22,158
Max, I think I just saw the murder
car go by, out the bathroom window.
78
00:04:22,186 --> 00:04:25,963
- What exactly did you see?
- A car.
79
00:04:26,893 --> 00:04:29,531
No, seriously, I think
it followed me home.
80
00:04:29,533 --> 00:04:32,623
Well, three years ago, you
followed me home, so we're even.
81
00:04:33,404 --> 00:04:36,272
There you go, Nancy.
82
00:04:36,274 --> 00:04:37,741
Okay, I'm off on my date.
83
00:04:37,743 --> 00:04:40,982
You can't leave me here alone.
There's a murder car out there.
84
00:04:40,984 --> 00:04:44,606
- Relax. No one is after you.
- Oh, really?
85
00:04:44,607 --> 00:04:46,019
What about the person
who yelled,
86
00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:49,460
"Watch yo back, bitch",
when we were walking home?
87
00:04:51,001 --> 00:04:53,852
That was me,
to that girl scout.
88
00:04:54,305 --> 00:04:56,738
If you tell someone
you're carrying thin mints,
89
00:04:56,740 --> 00:04:59,539
you best be carrying
thin mints.
90
00:04:59,541 --> 00:05:02,078
Max, you're coming back
tonight, right?
91
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,912
I'm kind of afraid. I've never
been here alone at night.
92
00:05:04,913 --> 00:05:07,486
If you don't want to be alone,
why don't you call Han?
93
00:05:07,487 --> 00:05:09,528
Very funny.
94
00:05:10,525 --> 00:05:12,865
I did. Han's busy.
95
00:05:13,739 --> 00:05:16,844
He's going to a country
square dance on Second Life.
96
00:05:16,846 --> 00:05:20,549
It's an online game, but he says
it's more of a lifestyle.
97
00:05:20,551 --> 00:05:24,220
Don't you have to have a first life
to have a second life?
98
00:05:24,222 --> 00:05:25,531
Max, please stay.
99
00:05:25,532 --> 00:05:29,360
Call Deke and cancel, or else you might
come home to find me in a pool of blood.
100
00:05:29,362 --> 00:05:31,430
Oh, I always wanted a pool.
101
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:34,963
Oh, no, it's them,
here to kill me.
102
00:05:34,965 --> 00:05:38,244
It couldn't be. I haven't paid
them all the money yet.
103
00:05:38,701 --> 00:05:41,459
Oh, hi, girls.
104
00:05:42,672 --> 00:05:45,172
You know, I just came
from the dentist's office.
105
00:05:45,174 --> 00:05:48,275
Did you know that
Michael Jackson died?
106
00:05:49,644 --> 00:05:51,912
Oh, and Farrah Fawcett too?
107
00:05:51,914 --> 00:05:54,815
Oh, no, I've got to sit down.
108
00:05:55,917 --> 00:05:59,086
Well, since you're here, do you want
to stay and have a girls' night?
109
00:05:59,088 --> 00:06:01,288
Oh, that's sounds like fun.
110
00:06:01,290 --> 00:06:03,223
It's just me and you.
Max has a date.
111
00:06:03,225 --> 00:06:05,593
And Caroline's afraid
to be alone.
112
00:06:05,595 --> 00:06:09,198
Well, if you don't want
to be alone,
113
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,840
then why do you act
the way you do?
114
00:06:15,513 --> 00:06:17,214
I got to go meet Deke.
115
00:06:17,216 --> 00:06:19,216
We are going out
to get wasted,
116
00:06:19,218 --> 00:06:22,212
hopefully to the point of blowing
chunks on each other's shoes.
117
00:06:22,213 --> 00:06:25,249
But imagine it a little
less romantic than it sounds.
118
00:06:32,732 --> 00:06:36,500
Well, Caroline,
it's just me and you.
119
00:06:36,502 --> 00:06:40,401
- I know. I thought it'd be fun if...
- Well, we tried.
120
00:06:41,153 --> 00:06:42,972
Good night.
121
00:06:44,503 --> 00:06:47,806
Don't go. Dangerous
people are after me.
122
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:50,676
You know, in Poland,
when the Cossacks came,
123
00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:54,380
we would boil water and
then throw it in their faces,
124
00:06:54,382 --> 00:06:56,246
and then make soup.
125
00:06:56,248 --> 00:06:58,588
Anyway, have a good one.
126
00:06:58,589 --> 00:06:59,979
Wait.
127
00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:02,154
Hello?
128
00:07:02,156 --> 00:07:04,356
Rula? Yes.
129
00:07:04,358 --> 00:07:08,022
No, I have absolutely nothing
to do tonight.
130
00:07:09,457 --> 00:07:13,463
Well, Nancy, looks like
it's just you and me.
131
00:07:13,465 --> 00:07:17,968
Yep, you and me
and this magazine from 2009.
132
00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:22,894
Ah, 2009... The last year
I had anything.
133
00:07:23,709 --> 00:07:26,881
Let's see, Nancy.
What are we gonna read here?
134
00:07:26,883 --> 00:07:29,484
"New York City,
more dangerous than ever."
135
00:07:29,486 --> 00:07:31,719
Okay, that's it.
We're done.
136
00:07:33,556 --> 00:07:37,190
That's just a horn, right?
Or is it a signal?
137
00:07:37,192 --> 00:07:40,565
No offense, Nancy, but we really
need a dog in this situation.
138
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:51,592
Oh, guess what. We happen
to be in my neighborhood.
139
00:07:51,594 --> 00:07:53,297
Oh, you are smooth.
140
00:07:53,299 --> 00:07:55,406
Also, you aggressively
steered me here
141
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:58,385
and stopped at a bodega
to buy me condoms.
142
00:07:58,387 --> 00:08:00,157
So you want to come back
to my place, and...
143
00:08:00,159 --> 00:08:03,365
♪ Brown chicken
brown cow? ♪
144
00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:04,872
Brown chicken what?
145
00:08:04,874 --> 00:08:06,981
You know, "Bowm chicka
bowm bowm," but I made it...
146
00:08:06,983 --> 00:08:09,994
♪ Brown chicken,
brown cow ♪
147
00:08:09,996 --> 00:08:14,338
So you thought of that in your head, and
your brain was like, "That's okay to say"?
148
00:08:14,340 --> 00:08:18,681
No, my brain was like "don't say it, don't
say it, don't say it, don't say it".
149
00:08:18,683 --> 00:08:22,295
And then it was...
♪ Brown chicken, brown cow ♪
150
00:08:22,297 --> 00:08:24,841
Well, this is me.
151
00:08:24,843 --> 00:08:28,085
What do you want me to say...
"Congratulations. You live in a building"?
152
00:08:28,087 --> 00:08:31,232
No, that would be lame.
I don't live in a building. I live here.
153
00:08:31,661 --> 00:08:35,457
- Where? All I see is a dumpster.
- Yeah, it's my apartment.
154
00:08:35,458 --> 00:08:37,758
I converted it,
and I live inside.
155
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,261
It's totally green.
156
00:08:39,263 --> 00:08:42,683
I mean, it's horrible for the environment,
but it's the color green.
157
00:08:43,378 --> 00:08:45,618
Oh, you're not kidding.
158
00:08:45,620 --> 00:08:48,995
You live in a dumpster?
159
00:08:48,997 --> 00:08:52,673
This is usually the part
where the girl says
160
00:08:52,675 --> 00:08:54,846
she has to be
up early tomorrow
161
00:08:54,848 --> 00:08:57,354
or call the police.
162
00:08:57,356 --> 00:08:59,493
So do you have to go?
163
00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:00,768
Yeah.
164
00:09:00,769 --> 00:09:04,739
I have to go inside
the freakin' cool dumpster.
165
00:09:05,146 --> 00:09:08,755
And if you think
it's cool now, watch this.
166
00:09:14,246 --> 00:09:16,753
My dumpster's a grower,
not a show-er.
167
00:09:20,002 --> 00:09:22,811
Holy crap.
This is amazing.
168
00:09:22,813 --> 00:09:25,688
You have a sink in here
and a stove.
169
00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:29,704
Is it heated in here, or did you teach
the rats to shovel coal into the engine?
170
00:09:29,706 --> 00:09:32,918
Yes, but there's also
solar panels on the roof
171
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,492
and a microwave
172
00:09:34,494 --> 00:09:37,435
and a bathroom right here.
173
00:09:37,437 --> 00:09:41,283
You have a microwave next to your toilet?
You're a genius!
174
00:09:41,285 --> 00:09:44,211
That's the smartest way
to eat a burrito.
175
00:09:44,213 --> 00:09:45,848
I think of everything.
176
00:09:45,850 --> 00:09:49,286
And if you don't like your neighbors,
you push your house to a new street.
177
00:09:49,288 --> 00:09:52,157
Or you could just kill them
and throw their bodies in here.
178
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:54,160
Added bonus... no rent.
179
00:09:54,162 --> 00:09:57,733
And the Chinese restaurant next door
always tosses their garbage on my roof.
180
00:09:57,735 --> 00:10:00,240
Free delivery, yo.
181
00:10:00,242 --> 00:10:02,009
You don't have to tell me.
182
00:10:02,011 --> 00:10:05,414
I read all about this place
in "Dumpster Living."
183
00:10:05,416 --> 00:10:07,317
I'll take it.
184
00:10:07,319 --> 00:10:09,755
All right, but it comes
with a very handsome
185
00:10:09,757 --> 00:10:14,732
stuffed animal of a man with hair that
gets him followed by security at Macy's.
186
00:10:14,734 --> 00:10:18,003
I'm not just saying this 'cause you live
in a dumpster, but I'll take some...
187
00:10:18,005 --> 00:10:19,839
♪ Brown chicken,
brown cow ♪
188
00:10:19,841 --> 00:10:21,674
Right now.
189
00:10:25,686 --> 00:10:28,356
So what was your first time
having sex in a dumpster like?
190
00:10:28,358 --> 00:10:31,092
A lot like the other times
I've had sex in a dumpster.
191
00:10:31,094 --> 00:10:33,530
Next time
I'm gonna be naked.
192
00:10:33,532 --> 00:10:36,101
Next time
I won't be wearing this hat.
193
00:10:37,438 --> 00:10:39,273
I hope you don't mind.
194
00:10:39,275 --> 00:10:42,339
- I sleep like this.
- Aah! Get off me.
195
00:10:42,340 --> 00:10:45,679
Oh, so nice to have a live body
under me for a change.
196
00:10:45,681 --> 00:10:47,550
Stop! You're crushing me! Mm.
197
00:10:54,425 --> 00:10:57,658
- This is really nice.
- Yeah, it is.
198
00:10:58,628 --> 00:11:00,898
I got to go.
199
00:11:00,900 --> 00:11:02,367
You got to go?
200
00:11:02,369 --> 00:11:05,103
Yeah, I live, uh,
all the way over by the diner.
201
00:11:05,105 --> 00:11:07,470
Plus, I got to
pull these boots on.
202
00:11:07,472 --> 00:11:11,777
And I got a horse and a cat,
possibly a dead roommate, so...
203
00:11:11,779 --> 00:11:14,282
Right. You got to
be up early.
204
00:11:14,284 --> 00:11:17,621
Yeah, but not like that.
It's just, like...
205
00:11:17,623 --> 00:11:21,627
Where's the door handle?
Is it the coffee pot?
206
00:11:21,629 --> 00:11:24,769
I can't get out. I'm used to
climbing out of these things.
207
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:27,074
Ah, it's right here.
208
00:11:27,981 --> 00:11:30,468
Oh. Sure you
don't wanna stay?
209
00:11:30,469 --> 00:11:33,018
Chinese restaurant
just delivered.
210
00:11:49,507 --> 00:11:53,342
There's that horn again. There
is no way this is not about us.
211
00:11:55,647 --> 00:11:59,694
Max, it's me again. Why do you even have
a phone if you're not gonna pick it up?
212
00:11:59,695 --> 00:12:02,264
And also,
you are a grown lady.
213
00:12:02,266 --> 00:12:04,601
Why is your
outgoing message a fart?
214
00:12:07,906 --> 00:12:11,975
And I am sure you're in the middle
of having very silly sex,
215
00:12:11,977 --> 00:12:14,035
but it is a nightmare
around here.
216
00:12:14,036 --> 00:12:15,748
Chestnut, Nancy, and I are
all convinced
217
00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:19,086
that the murder car is still circling
and about to take us all out.
218
00:12:19,088 --> 00:12:21,319
So self-involved.
219
00:12:22,753 --> 00:12:25,281
This water
is taking forever to boil.
220
00:12:25,282 --> 00:12:27,358
The best I could do now
is offer the killers
221
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:30,229
warm tea
before they dismember me.
222
00:12:30,231 --> 00:12:33,034
That'd be funny
if you got jokes.
223
00:12:34,469 --> 00:12:37,803
Okay, guys,
here's the plan.
224
00:12:39,708 --> 00:12:43,180
If they come in that door,
we go out this door.
225
00:12:43,182 --> 00:12:45,717
If they come in that door,
Chestnut, you block them,
226
00:12:45,719 --> 00:12:47,519
and, Nancy,
you go for their eyes.
227
00:12:50,081 --> 00:12:52,125
You know what? Let's just
say our good-byes now.
228
00:12:52,126 --> 00:12:53,226
Boil, boil, boil.
229
00:12:53,842 --> 00:12:56,093
No time!
230
00:12:56,095 --> 00:13:01,039
Whoever you are, I have a pot
of pretty hot water!
231
00:13:02,802 --> 00:13:04,369
Wha... oh!
232
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,138
What is all this junk?
233
00:13:09,140 --> 00:13:12,820
My legs!
My beautiful legs!
234
00:13:20,461 --> 00:13:23,229
Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow.
235
00:13:23,231 --> 00:13:25,865
I burned my toe cleavage.
236
00:13:25,867 --> 00:13:28,269
And it's the only cleavage
I have.
237
00:13:28,271 --> 00:13:32,374
If it helps,
your toes do look bigger.
238
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:36,742
Thank God I have these flip-flops I used
to wear in your shower before I gave up.
239
00:13:38,074 --> 00:13:41,392
Yes, hi, I have
a complete emergency.
240
00:13:41,393 --> 00:13:42,795
My legs are burned.
241
00:13:42,796 --> 00:13:44,532
Okay, I hear you.
242
00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:48,270
I'll put you right behind the guy
whose legs just came off.
243
00:13:50,638 --> 00:13:53,571
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
244
00:13:53,573 --> 00:13:56,108
See, I just got burned
with pretty hot water,
245
00:13:56,110 --> 00:13:59,445
and I wear a lot
of peep-toe shoes.
246
00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:02,999
- Insurance provider?
- I'd like to use my Obamacare.
247
00:14:03,285 --> 00:14:06,550
Oh, Obamacare?
Why didn't you say so?
248
00:14:06,552 --> 00:14:08,787
Come right in.
249
00:14:10,890 --> 00:14:13,825
What is the problem?
We're all entitled to Obamacare.
250
00:14:13,827 --> 00:14:16,527
That's what that
Rachel Maddow guy said.
251
00:14:16,529 --> 00:14:19,363
I'll need more information
than that.
252
00:14:19,365 --> 00:14:22,469
Password, Malia?
253
00:14:23,050 --> 00:14:26,539
You clowns need to figure out
your insurance information
254
00:14:26,541 --> 00:14:29,810
and come back to me in about
two hours when I'm on my sofa,
255
00:14:29,812 --> 00:14:33,081
drinking whiskey
out of a coffee mug.
256
00:14:33,083 --> 00:14:36,555
- Max, let's just sit.
- They have to take us, by law.
257
00:14:36,556 --> 00:14:39,162
I know because I used
to complain about that.
258
00:14:39,891 --> 00:14:44,276
Max, can you take that flu season
pamphlet and fan my feet?
259
00:14:44,862 --> 00:14:46,386
No.
260
00:14:46,964 --> 00:14:50,164
I'm not touching anything in here,
'cause I was never vaccinated...
261
00:14:50,166 --> 00:14:52,177
Or loved.
262
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,220
- Who is it?
- It's Deke.
263
00:14:57,371 --> 00:14:59,204
You're not gonna answer it?
264
00:14:59,206 --> 00:15:03,107
No, right now, I am very
concerned about your legs.
265
00:15:03,109 --> 00:15:06,244
Aw. You're lying.
266
00:15:06,246 --> 00:15:08,780
What happened
between you and Deke?
267
00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:11,318
Why did you even
come home tonight?
268
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,988
Was the sex bad?
269
00:15:14,627 --> 00:15:16,820
Did you hit him?
270
00:15:22,969 --> 00:15:25,438
No, the sex was fine.
271
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:29,646
Actually, it was better than fine.
It was great and I wanted to stay.
272
00:15:29,648 --> 00:15:33,457
- So...?
- So I left immediately.
273
00:15:34,121 --> 00:15:36,921
Max, don't take this
the wrong way,
274
00:15:36,923 --> 00:15:38,656
but it sounds like
you found someone
275
00:15:38,658 --> 00:15:41,794
who finally makes you happy
and you're trying to ruin it.
276
00:15:41,796 --> 00:15:46,130
Oh, that's what this feeling is.
Well, I got to get rid of it.
277
00:15:46,132 --> 00:15:49,800
- Why?
- I wasn't raised to be happy.
278
00:15:49,802 --> 00:15:53,094
I was raised to believe canned
meat is as good as it gets.
279
00:15:58,145 --> 00:16:00,648
Ow, ow. Ow, ow.
Ow, ow.
280
00:16:00,650 --> 00:16:05,351
Earl, I spilled hot water on my feet.
You can't imagine how much pain I'm in.
281
00:16:05,353 --> 00:16:10,793
Well, I kicked heroin in
a 7/11 bathroom for three days.
282
00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:14,034
But sorry about
your burnt tootsies though.
283
00:16:15,372 --> 00:16:17,506
Caroline,
sorry I didn't text you back.
284
00:16:17,508 --> 00:16:21,376
I would've come over last night, but
my second life wife had a baby.
285
00:16:21,378 --> 00:16:26,259
I just can't believe you had fake sex
nine months ago and didn't tell anyone.
286
00:16:29,558 --> 00:16:31,059
Excuse me.
287
00:16:31,061 --> 00:16:33,463
I'm looking for a skinny blonde
that works here.
288
00:16:38,842 --> 00:16:41,814
Uh... She died.
289
00:16:43,450 --> 00:16:46,353
- She right over there.
- Ooh, she came back to life!
290
00:16:46,355 --> 00:16:48,458
Hallelujah!
291
00:16:49,283 --> 00:16:52,054
Hey, I got something
for you.
292
00:16:52,157 --> 00:16:53,393
No!
293
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:56,832
- It's a mix tape.
- No!
294
00:16:59,812 --> 00:17:03,583
I made it for you. I'm sorry
my brother threw that cupcake at you.
295
00:17:03,585 --> 00:17:06,330
He's gluten-free
and upset about it.
296
00:17:07,056 --> 00:17:08,889
So can I take you out
sometime?
297
00:17:08,891 --> 00:17:14,193
Uh... uh, very sweet,
and you seem great,
298
00:17:14,195 --> 00:17:18,224
but I'm already in a relationship
with a guy in a red bandana.
299
00:17:26,076 --> 00:17:29,228
No worries.
Just thought I'd ask.
300
00:17:32,695 --> 00:17:34,496
What did you just do?
301
00:17:34,498 --> 00:17:37,431
You never say no to a guy
with tinted windows.
302
00:17:37,433 --> 00:17:39,801
That's rule number two.
303
00:17:39,803 --> 00:17:42,973
Well, his number's on here.
I can always call him back.
304
00:17:42,975 --> 00:17:45,580
Then we can both be in relationships
we don't want to be in.
305
00:17:45,636 --> 00:17:47,369
- Relationship?
- Deke.
306
00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:50,501
You're gonna see him at pastry school
tomorrow. He's gonna wanna know.
307
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:55,305
Guys never wanna know. In fact,
they are dying not to know.
308
00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:59,505
Max, why'd you leave last night?
I wanna know.
309
00:17:59,507 --> 00:18:03,776
I mean, you were all like,
"Wham-bam, thank you, man."
310
00:18:03,778 --> 00:18:05,479
And yeah, my brain was like,
"don't say it,
311
00:18:05,481 --> 00:18:07,048
don't say it,
don't say it, don't say it,"
312
00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:08,816
but I said it.
313
00:18:08,818 --> 00:18:11,017
What's going on?
314
00:18:11,019 --> 00:18:14,621
Uh... The sex was bad.
315
00:18:14,623 --> 00:18:16,791
What about the scratches
on my back?
316
00:18:16,793 --> 00:18:19,026
I was trying to get away.
317
00:18:19,028 --> 00:18:21,527
I'll just
leave you two alone.
318
00:18:21,529 --> 00:18:23,063
Ow, ow. Ow, ow.
319
00:18:23,065 --> 00:18:25,744
I'll just be over here,
looking at my mix tape.
320
00:18:25,745 --> 00:18:29,047
Oh, track one,
"Make It Nasty."
321
00:18:30,207 --> 00:18:31,471
You're right, Max.
322
00:18:31,473 --> 00:18:33,439
The sex was bad,
really bad.
323
00:18:33,441 --> 00:18:35,843
And it was worse when
we did it the second time.
324
00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:37,780
And that third time
was a disaster.
325
00:18:37,782 --> 00:18:42,028
I mean, I only lasted 47 minutes,
and you screamed.
326
00:18:43,254 --> 00:18:46,053
Okay, walking away has to be
less painful than hearing this.
327
00:18:46,055 --> 00:18:49,861
- Ow, ow, ow, ow.
- No, stay, Caroline. We'll go outside.
328
00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:52,732
Max, come with me for a second.
I wanna show you something.
329
00:18:52,734 --> 00:18:55,203
Just whip it out here.
330
00:18:55,769 --> 00:18:59,168
You wouldn't be the first guy
to do that tonight.
331
00:18:59,170 --> 00:19:02,307
Nor will he be the last.
332
00:19:06,378 --> 00:19:09,279
Okay, what do you
wanna show me?
333
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:11,882
Is that your dumpster?
334
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:15,189
Look, you said you couldn't stay over
because you lived all the way
335
00:19:15,191 --> 00:19:17,224
over by the diner,
so I moved it here
336
00:19:17,226 --> 00:19:19,969
to figure out what
your next excuse would be.
337
00:19:23,168 --> 00:19:26,568
Um, I'm racist.
338
00:19:29,109 --> 00:19:32,479
Yeah, me too.
White girls are a hassle.
339
00:19:32,481 --> 00:19:34,448
What else?
340
00:19:34,450 --> 00:19:36,844
You have a bird
on your shirt.
341
00:19:38,123 --> 00:19:40,294
You love it.
342
00:19:41,093 --> 00:19:42,908
I do.
343
00:19:43,362 --> 00:19:45,172
What else?
344
00:19:46,537 --> 00:19:49,307
- I got nothin'.
- Good.
345
00:19:49,308 --> 00:19:52,643
So what do you say you stop
being such a stupid face,
346
00:19:52,645 --> 00:19:55,812
and get your sweet dumper
into my dumpster right now,
347
00:19:55,814 --> 00:20:00,307
where a brown chicken and a brown cow
are waiting patiently for you.
348
00:20:02,052 --> 00:20:03,219
Look.
349
00:20:03,221 --> 00:20:06,391
If you want me in that dumpster, you'll
have to get me there the traditional way.
350
00:20:06,393 --> 00:20:10,358
Duct tape my wrists, throw a bag
over my head, and toss me in.
351
00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:17,134
- Awful, huh?
- So bad.
352
00:20:17,136 --> 00:20:20,873
Want to do it again later, and then sleep
over tonight, and then do it again?
353
00:20:20,875 --> 00:20:22,175
Sure.
354
00:20:22,177 --> 00:20:24,278
Are we ever
gonna do it naked?
355
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,770
Yeah, when you move into a place big
enough for me to take my pants off.
356
00:20:28,617 --> 00:20:31,886
Look, I got to warn you.
I don't know how to be happy.
357
00:20:31,888 --> 00:20:34,424
Then why do you have
that big smile on your face?
358
00:20:34,426 --> 00:20:36,190
I'm faking it.
359
00:20:36,192 --> 00:20:40,498
Why is it shaking?
Are we still having sex?
360
00:20:45,558 --> 00:20:49,265
Thank you, sir.
Enjoy your cupcake.
361
00:20:52,926 --> 00:20:54,662
Hey!
362
00:20:54,906 --> 00:20:56,306
Max?
363
00:20:56,308 --> 00:20:59,244
Don't tow us.
This is Deke's house.
364
00:20:59,246 --> 00:21:01,678
He lives in a dumpster?
365
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,580
Yeah, but on purpose.
366
00:21:03,582 --> 00:21:05,784
But you're coming home
tonight, right?
367
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,889
Max, Max!
368
00:21:08,891 --> 00:21:10,725
Han?
369
00:21:11,110 --> 00:21:13,632
Han, what are you
doing tonight?
370
00:21:15,539 --> 00:21:18,539
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