1
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:04,294
Hey, I'm sleeping
at Deke's house tonight.
2
00:00:04,296 --> 00:00:06,379
Wink, wink, winky-wink.
3
00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:10,567
Deke's house? You mean
your boyfriend's dumpster?
4
00:00:10,569 --> 00:00:12,435
Yeah. So I need a, uh...
5
00:00:12,437 --> 00:00:14,638
Tetanus shot?
6
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:16,439
Higher standards?
7
00:00:16,441 --> 00:00:18,308
No, a condom.
8
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,077
I'm about to have sex,
and I want it to feel bad.
9
00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,347
I should have one in my purse
from the last time I had sex.
10
00:00:24,349 --> 00:00:26,733
They had purses
the last time you had sex?
11
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:30,654
No, we carried animal hides
tied with sticks.
12
00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:32,572
It hasn't been that long.
13
00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:38,078
Oh, here's one next to this
movie ticket stub from Precious.
14
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,529
Okay, it's been that long.
15
00:00:39,531 --> 00:00:42,966
You saw Precious without a condom?
16
00:00:42,968 --> 00:00:46,369
It says, "Best if used
before September 2012."
17
00:00:46,371 --> 00:00:48,388
Just like the milk here.
18
00:00:48,390 --> 00:00:50,707
I wish I knew a guy with a condom.
19
00:00:50,709 --> 00:00:54,444
[whistling]
20
00:00:56,999 --> 00:01:00,717
A man, any man.
21
00:01:00,719 --> 00:01:02,018
Oleg, do you happen to have...
22
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:05,155
[rings bell]
23
00:01:07,391 --> 00:01:09,259
Okay, this should get you
through the night.
24
00:01:09,261 --> 00:01:10,727
But if it doesn't,
25
00:01:10,729 --> 00:01:15,115
You can use this freezer bag
and a rubber band.
26
00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:17,367
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
27
00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:18,902
[cash register bell dings]
28
00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:21,917
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
29
00:01:22,194 --> 00:01:25,219
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com
30
00:01:30,641 --> 00:01:32,175
Max, I laid out the little cups,
31
00:01:32,177 --> 00:01:33,977
so all you have to do
is fill them with cole slaw.
32
00:01:33,979 --> 00:01:37,097
Said the girl who was on the
Forbes "top ten to watch" list.
33
00:01:37,099 --> 00:01:39,482
I can't do my side work tonight.
34
00:01:39,484 --> 00:01:41,184
Normally I'd say
it's because I'm drunk,
35
00:01:41,186 --> 00:01:44,237
But tonight it's because
my back hurts and I'm drunk.
36
00:01:44,239 --> 00:01:47,190
Here, babe, I got you something
that might help your back feel better.
37
00:01:47,192 --> 00:01:48,886
A breast reduction?
38
00:01:50,803 --> 00:01:52,358
No!
39
00:01:54,779 --> 00:01:57,784
Why would you spit in the face of God?
40
00:01:59,564 --> 00:02:02,701
Everybody, calm down.
Those aren't going anywhere.
41
00:02:02,858 --> 00:02:05,175
And if they are,
I am going with them.
42
00:02:05,877 --> 00:02:08,828
I got some cooling patches
to soothe her muscles.
43
00:02:08,830 --> 00:02:10,746
And when that doesn't work,
44
00:02:10,748 --> 00:02:13,883
I have another brand
called "maui wowie."
45
00:02:13,885 --> 00:02:15,551
- [bell rings]
- Oleg: Pickup.
46
00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:18,203
- I'll see you later. Love you.
- Love you.
47
00:02:18,205 --> 00:02:20,339
Deke, breath.
What is that?
48
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:23,075
Teriyaki beef jerky.
Why, is it bad?
49
00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:26,512
No. Give me another hit.
50
00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:30,800
That is delicious.
51
00:02:30,802 --> 00:02:33,319
You know it.
52
00:02:37,912 --> 00:02:40,593
Max, since you guys are getting serious,
why not go on the pill,
53
00:02:40,595 --> 00:02:44,697
so every night you won't have to play
"What can we turn into a condom?"
54
00:02:44,699 --> 00:02:46,866
The pill is, like, 50 bucks a month.
55
00:02:46,868 --> 00:02:49,785
That's more than it costs
to raise a damn baby.
56
00:02:49,787 --> 00:02:53,572
Well, your boyfriend's rich.
He can afford to pay for it.
57
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:57,426
Great, now I'm a white trash mom.
58
00:02:57,428 --> 00:02:59,128
Uh-uh, no way.
59
00:02:59,130 --> 00:03:01,547
I'm saving Deke's fortune
for more important things,
60
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:04,800
like Doritos Dinamita.
61
00:03:04,802 --> 00:03:07,720
Pretty much the filet mignon
of corn chips.
62
00:03:07,722 --> 00:03:09,755
I mean, I'd be on the pill right now,
63
00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:11,691
But the one man interested
in me is married,
64
00:03:11,693 --> 00:03:14,276
so I guess that's more of a bitter pill.
65
00:03:14,278 --> 00:03:16,145
Seriously, Max. Think about it.
66
00:03:16,147 --> 00:03:18,698
[scoffs] Fine. Why don't
guys have to take the pill?
67
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:22,434
We have to take all the pills.
Birth control, Midol, roofies...
68
00:03:23,654 --> 00:03:25,905
Bonjour, Caroline.
69
00:03:25,907 --> 00:03:29,041
Chef Nicolas.
What are you doing in the diner?
70
00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:31,494
Oh, no, I never wanted you
to see me wearing this.
71
00:03:31,496 --> 00:03:33,546
Yeah, so be a gentleman
and take a step back,
72
00:03:33,548 --> 00:03:37,066
'cause as bad as it looks,
it smells worse.
73
00:03:37,068 --> 00:03:38,784
I think you look beautiful.
74
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:41,787
Your wife looks beautiful.
75
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:46,308
Oh, yeah. Get it, girl.
76
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:47,793
May I see you alone
over there in the, uh...
77
00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:51,063
I guess one would call it a restaurant?
78
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:52,898
But just for a minute. I'm working.
79
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,133
[sniffs]
80
00:03:54,135 --> 00:03:55,568
What's that smell?
81
00:03:55,570 --> 00:03:57,269
That's today's special. Beef pot pie.
82
00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:58,971
Oh, it doesn't smell like beef.
83
00:03:58,973 --> 00:04:00,489
That's because it's not beef,
84
00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:04,160
it's not made today,
and it's not special.
85
00:04:04,162 --> 00:04:05,311
Listen, Caroline.
86
00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:07,279
We have all this relationship drama,
87
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,031
And we're not even in a relationship.
88
00:04:09,033 --> 00:04:11,316
Please get to know me better.
89
00:04:11,318 --> 00:04:12,818
Come to my home for dinner.
90
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:15,154
Dinner at your home, just you and me?
91
00:04:15,156 --> 00:04:16,889
How do you think your wife
would feel about that?
92
00:04:16,891 --> 00:04:18,791
We have an open relationship.
93
00:04:18,793 --> 00:04:20,593
Did you think I'm the type of man
94
00:04:20,595 --> 00:04:25,097
who would have sex with another
woman without asking my wife?
95
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:27,883
That is so American.
96
00:04:29,219 --> 00:04:30,269
Max?
97
00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:31,771
Why are you calling Max?
98
00:04:31,773 --> 00:04:33,639
I want to make sure
I haven't lost my mind.
99
00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:36,108
Nicolas said he told his wife about me,
100
00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:38,611
and she gave him permission
for us to sleep together.
101
00:04:38,613 --> 00:04:41,814
Ha! Good one!
102
00:04:41,816 --> 00:04:44,950
My boss at Quiznos once told me
his wife's dying wish
103
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:48,621
was that I let him motorboat me.
104
00:04:48,623 --> 00:04:52,625
Okay, so she may have been
motorboated out of Quiznos.
105
00:04:52,627 --> 00:04:54,493
But I am not falling for this.
106
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,629
Yes, I thought you wouldn't believe me,
107
00:04:56,631 --> 00:04:59,531
so I set up a Skype call
with her from France on Friday.
108
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:03,886
Wait, you want me to Skype
with your wife about sex?
109
00:05:03,888 --> 00:05:06,055
Am I on Dr. Phil?
110
00:05:06,057 --> 00:05:09,425
Hey, everybody.
111
00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:15,981
I got a new dress, and it's bitchin'.
112
00:05:16,833 --> 00:05:19,385
Oh.
113
00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:23,272
Hey, look at him. Oh.
114
00:05:23,274 --> 00:05:27,943
Nobody told me they added
beefcake to the menu.
115
00:05:27,945 --> 00:05:33,783
Excuse me, beefcake has been on the menu
since I started working here.
116
00:05:33,785 --> 00:05:37,403
Wow, wow.
117
00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:39,755
Finally...
118
00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:43,425
There's somebody in the diner
as good-looking as me.
119
00:05:43,427 --> 00:05:45,427
[laughs]
120
00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:47,680
Hi, I'm Sophie Kuchenski.
121
00:05:47,682 --> 00:05:49,215
Nicolas Saintcroix.
122
00:05:49,217 --> 00:05:50,800
[gasps]
Ah!
123
00:05:50,802 --> 00:05:52,968
And he's French too?
124
00:05:52,970 --> 00:05:56,222
Oh, come on!
125
00:05:56,224 --> 00:05:59,408
I'm sorry, I was in the middle
of a conversation with Caroline.
126
00:05:59,410 --> 00:06:04,280
[sighs, moans]
127
00:06:04,282 --> 00:06:06,031
Who?
128
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,317
Me, the one whose feet
you're standing on.
129
00:06:08,319 --> 00:06:10,736
Oh.
130
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:12,872
Oh, wait a minute.
131
00:06:12,874 --> 00:06:15,457
Is this the married guy?
132
00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:19,411
Oh, girl!
133
00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:23,382
I'm gonna give you two days'
head start, and then he's mine!
134
00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:26,218
[laughs]
135
00:06:36,986 --> 00:06:38,954
Why do you care what his wife
thinks about your hair?
136
00:06:38,956 --> 00:06:41,223
You're not gonna be sleeping with her.
137
00:06:41,225 --> 00:06:44,309
Although you'd be a lot
more interesting if you did.
138
00:06:44,311 --> 00:06:46,345
I'm not gonna be
sleeping with him either.
139
00:06:46,347 --> 00:06:49,047
And when I tell his wife that,
I want to look good doing it.
140
00:06:49,049 --> 00:06:51,300
I have to look 20% better than her.
141
00:06:51,302 --> 00:06:53,051
And since Skype makes you
look 20% worse,
142
00:06:53,053 --> 00:06:55,888
I have to look 40% better
than I do now.
143
00:06:55,890 --> 00:07:01,710
You realize talking about math in
a hair salon is my worst nightmare, right?
144
00:07:01,712 --> 00:07:03,529
Welcome to the Tristan Evans salon.
145
00:07:03,531 --> 00:07:07,182
Hi, hello. We're here for the...
[quietly] student haircut.
146
00:07:07,184 --> 00:07:09,218
I'm sorry?
147
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,553
The $6 haircuts for poor people
148
00:07:11,555 --> 00:07:13,989
from the people who don't really
know how to cut hair yet.
149
00:07:13,991 --> 00:07:17,159
Max, that's not true.
This is the Tristan Evans salon.
150
00:07:17,161 --> 00:07:19,795
I'm sure that everyone that's
enrolled here is a genius.
151
00:07:19,797 --> 00:07:21,914
At least tell me they're gay.
152
00:07:21,916 --> 00:07:23,749
Just have a seat over there.
153
00:07:23,751 --> 00:07:25,193
I'll have somebody come up
from the hair school and...
154
00:07:25,293 --> 00:07:27,870
Shh! So loud.
155
00:07:27,872 --> 00:07:29,588
Hair school. Got it.
156
00:07:29,590 --> 00:07:32,307
We'll just take a seat
over there till they arrive.
157
00:07:32,309 --> 00:07:35,010
Girl, you just sit there, relax,
158
00:07:35,012 --> 00:07:38,297
and let Jameis make this head major.
159
00:07:38,299 --> 00:07:41,717
So weird, 'cause I majored
in head. [chuckles]
160
00:07:41,719 --> 00:07:45,220
Girl, you are all everything.
161
00:07:45,222 --> 00:07:47,222
Ah...oh!
[chuckles]
162
00:07:47,224 --> 00:07:48,557
That's a little cold.
163
00:07:48,559 --> 00:07:50,025
I'm sorry,
what was your name again?
164
00:07:50,027 --> 00:07:52,093
Dan.
165
00:07:52,095 --> 00:07:54,563
Uh-huh. Dan?
So just Dan?
166
00:07:54,565 --> 00:07:57,316
You're not, like,
a Danny or a Dantrell?
167
00:07:57,318 --> 00:08:00,402
Dan.
168
00:08:00,404 --> 00:08:02,454
I need to get conditioner.
169
00:08:02,456 --> 00:08:04,990
Damn it, Max, I got a straight one.
170
00:08:04,992 --> 00:08:06,708
What makes you think
he's straight?
171
00:08:06,710 --> 00:08:11,396
He keeps pushing my head down
before I'm ready.
172
00:08:12,899 --> 00:08:14,383
Is the water too warm?
173
00:08:14,385 --> 00:08:17,186
Why? Are my pants too wet?
174
00:08:18,188 --> 00:08:20,472
Girl, are we in love?
175
00:08:20,474 --> 00:08:23,175
Max, I need you to give me your gay.
176
00:08:23,177 --> 00:08:24,960
[scoffs]
Yeah, right.
177
00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:28,347
I'd give you my left nut
before I give you my gay.
178
00:08:28,349 --> 00:08:30,465
You weren't even
gonna get your hair done.
179
00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:34,069
Yeah, but I always wanted to know
what it felt like to get a shampoo
180
00:08:34,071 --> 00:08:37,739
without a school nurse running
that tiny comb through my hair.
181
00:08:37,741 --> 00:08:38,824
Dan?
182
00:08:38,826 --> 00:08:40,259
I have a magazine over there
183
00:08:40,261 --> 00:08:43,161
with a photo of a chic,
piece-y, choppy bob.
184
00:08:43,163 --> 00:08:44,346
You can do that, right?
185
00:08:44,348 --> 00:08:45,414
Sure.
186
00:08:45,416 --> 00:08:47,816
Piece-y bob. Got it.
187
00:08:49,769 --> 00:08:50,752
'sup?
188
00:08:50,754 --> 00:08:55,457
Dan, Dan, Dan!
189
00:08:55,459 --> 00:09:00,095
Okay, done.
You're ready to cut.
190
00:09:00,097 --> 00:09:04,132
Let's go. I can't risk some
discount hetero cutting my hair.
191
00:09:04,134 --> 00:09:07,669
I'll see you at home.
I'm pretty close to a hairgasm.
192
00:09:07,671 --> 00:09:09,187
[scoffs]
That should've been mine.
193
00:09:09,189 --> 00:09:11,723
I haven't had a hairgasm in years.
194
00:09:11,725 --> 00:09:13,842
She hasn't had any gasm in years.
195
00:09:13,844 --> 00:09:16,177
Ooh!
196
00:09:19,532 --> 00:09:22,734
[Caroline gasps]
197
00:09:22,736 --> 00:09:24,987
Oh, my god!
198
00:09:24,989 --> 00:09:29,374
Max, is that hair
your new form of birth control?
199
00:09:29,376 --> 00:09:31,627
You look like Dame Edna.
200
00:09:31,629 --> 00:09:34,696
That's what I asked for!
201
00:09:34,698 --> 00:09:36,798
Hellooo!
202
00:09:38,551 --> 00:09:41,369
Now my outside matches my inside,
203
00:09:41,371 --> 00:09:43,255
because I've always been
an old drag queen
204
00:09:43,257 --> 00:09:46,008
trapped inside the body
of a young black girl.
205
00:09:46,010 --> 00:09:50,211
[knock on door]
206
00:09:50,213 --> 00:09:52,481
Hellooo!
207
00:09:52,483 --> 00:09:54,099
Oh, hi, Max.
208
00:09:54,101 --> 00:09:56,401
Oh, I used to wear my hair like that.
209
00:09:56,403 --> 00:10:00,739
I used it to smuggle cheese
and cigarettes into the prison.
210
00:10:00,741 --> 00:10:02,691
Oh, hey, Caroline.
211
00:10:02,693 --> 00:10:04,493
Just checking.
212
00:10:04,495 --> 00:10:08,196
Still not sleeping with that French guy
that I'm sleeping with?
213
00:10:08,198 --> 00:10:10,298
Still not, Sophie.
He's married.
214
00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:12,034
Well, good.
215
00:10:12,036 --> 00:10:16,455
'cause I'm here to talk to that wife,
and throw my hoo-ha into the ring.
216
00:10:16,457 --> 00:10:20,575
I even bought myself a flat French hat
to make me more French.
217
00:10:20,577 --> 00:10:26,081
Yeah, I got me the hat 'cause I didn't
have time to grow out my pits.
218
00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:30,452
Okay, the call is in one minute.
I'll just do it from here.
219
00:10:30,454 --> 00:10:32,304
I was planning to be holding
my Louis Vuitton shopping bag,
220
00:10:32,306 --> 00:10:34,272
but the cat took a dump in it.
221
00:10:34,274 --> 00:10:36,591
And, Max, bring that lamp
closer to my face,
222
00:10:36,593 --> 00:10:38,527
So I don't have eight Skype chins.
223
00:10:38,529 --> 00:10:42,230
Fine, but if I get too close to
the bulb, my hair might blow up.
224
00:10:42,232 --> 00:10:43,398
[Skype chiming]
225
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:44,499
Here she is.
226
00:10:44,501 --> 00:10:45,784
Sophie, good-bye.
227
00:10:45,786 --> 00:10:47,953
Oh, no, I'm not leaving, baby.
228
00:10:47,955 --> 00:10:50,939
That French hottie and I
are perfect for each other.
229
00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:52,708
I mean, look at me.
230
00:10:52,710 --> 00:10:56,211
I'm wearing a beret.
I have a baguette.
231
00:10:56,213 --> 00:11:00,165
Bonjour, bitches!
232
00:11:00,167 --> 00:11:04,119
Okay, take a deep breath,
and remember, this is ridiculous.
233
00:11:07,890 --> 00:11:09,257
Bonjour, Caroline.
234
00:11:09,259 --> 00:11:11,093
Bonjour. You must be Juliette.
235
00:11:11,095 --> 00:11:12,611
It is nice to meet you.
236
00:11:12,613 --> 00:11:14,396
And you as well, Juliette.
237
00:11:14,398 --> 00:11:16,064
I just want to set the record
straight about Nicolas and I.
238
00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:17,632
I am not the type of...
239
00:11:17,634 --> 00:11:20,569
Yes, you have my permission
to sleep with Nicolas.
240
00:11:20,571 --> 00:11:23,138
Au revoir.
[Skype chimes]
241
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:25,490
That's it? She's gone?
242
00:11:25,492 --> 00:11:29,477
I didn't even get to say
"hos before bros" in French.
243
00:11:29,479 --> 00:11:31,363
So much more to say.
244
00:11:31,365 --> 00:11:32,647
What more is there to say?
245
00:11:32,649 --> 00:11:37,452
She said we could sleep with him.
246
00:11:37,454 --> 00:11:41,256
No, I'm never sleeping with Nicolas,
no matter what his wife says.
247
00:11:41,258 --> 00:11:43,375
Good, 'cause you could never
share a French guy.
248
00:11:43,377 --> 00:11:45,744
You won't even share your French toast.
249
00:11:55,204 --> 00:11:55,998
Thanks for coming.
250
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,968
I promise, just one drink at Nicolas's,
and then we'll go to the movies.
251
00:11:58,970 --> 00:12:01,870
And, Max, I can't believe
you went out with that hair in public.
252
00:12:01,872 --> 00:12:03,622
I like it.
253
00:12:03,624 --> 00:12:07,009
You look like my aunt Esther,
but not as hot.
254
00:12:08,762 --> 00:12:10,078
Oh, Caroline.
255
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,680
I see you brought Deke
256
00:12:11,682 --> 00:12:14,450
And Max's mother?
257
00:12:14,452 --> 00:12:19,421
The only thing this hair and my mother
have in common is they're both high.
258
00:12:19,423 --> 00:12:21,523
Nicolas, I'm not staying.
259
00:12:21,525 --> 00:12:23,425
I know you went to a lot
of trouble with dinner,
260
00:12:23,427 --> 00:12:26,278
so I didn't want to be rude, but
we can only stay for one drink.
261
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:27,696
God, you look beautiful.
262
00:12:27,698 --> 00:12:29,097
Maybe two drinks.
263
00:12:29,099 --> 00:12:31,400
But definitely no dinner.
264
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:34,436
[burps]
265
00:12:34,438 --> 00:12:38,540
Well, that dinner we weren't
staying for was delicious.
266
00:12:38,542 --> 00:12:41,827
Yeah, we should not stay more often.
267
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,946
I like your loft, man.
268
00:12:43,948 --> 00:12:47,800
It's the perfect place to live
if you like to commit really sexy crimes.
269
00:12:47,802 --> 00:12:49,335
Well, we should go.
270
00:12:49,337 --> 00:12:51,420
No. You're not staying for dessert?
271
00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:52,805
You're breaking my heart.
272
00:12:52,807 --> 00:12:56,091
Well, maybe just one piece.
We can share it.
273
00:12:56,093 --> 00:12:58,644
[speaks French]
274
00:12:58,646 --> 00:13:00,913
I thought you didn't want to share.
275
00:13:00,915 --> 00:13:05,184
He's not married to his dessert, Max,
and it's just one piece.
276
00:13:05,186 --> 00:13:08,671
We're here, so he doesn't get a piece.
277
00:13:08,673 --> 00:13:12,691
You got a pretty sweet setup
for a married man who's single.
278
00:13:12,693 --> 00:13:15,861
Creme caramel au coconut cake.
279
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,646
Well, it's no Fudgie the Whale.
280
00:13:17,648 --> 00:13:19,264
Thanks.
281
00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:21,917
I love to cook for friends.
282
00:13:21,919 --> 00:13:23,519
Beautiful friends.
283
00:13:23,521 --> 00:13:26,422
Nicolas, just because
your wife gave me permission
284
00:13:26,424 --> 00:13:28,207
does not mean I'm gonna
let you take me over
285
00:13:28,209 --> 00:13:31,677
To that king-size bed with what
looks like really good sheets
286
00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:34,096
and make love to me all night long.
287
00:13:34,098 --> 00:13:36,682
And then again that morning.
288
00:13:36,684 --> 00:13:38,834
So how's your back, Esther?
289
00:13:38,836 --> 00:13:40,519
Oh, Morty.
290
00:13:40,521 --> 00:13:41,887
I have to tell you something.
291
00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:44,073
Is it your heart?
292
00:13:44,075 --> 00:13:45,524
No, I'm on the pill.
293
00:13:45,526 --> 00:13:47,943
I know.
You're on a lot of pills.
294
00:13:47,945 --> 00:13:49,528
No, a pill-pill.
295
00:13:49,530 --> 00:13:51,947
The pill-pill-pill?
296
00:13:51,949 --> 00:13:53,232
Yeah, see?
297
00:13:53,234 --> 00:13:54,366
You just pop 'em out one at a time.
298
00:13:54,368 --> 00:13:57,286
They're like pez for sluts.
299
00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:03,325
Speaking of sluts...
300
00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:05,911
Oh, boy, this is awkward.
301
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:08,964
And I've testified
against half my family.
302
00:14:08,966 --> 00:14:12,968
I agree, Max.
Things are a little uncomfortable.
303
00:14:12,970 --> 00:14:16,588
So why don't we just make this
as weird as possible?
304
00:14:16,590 --> 00:14:20,008
Damn it, I knew he was gonna kill us.
305
00:14:20,010 --> 00:14:23,011
[tango music plays]
306
00:14:23,013 --> 00:14:24,346
Tango, anyone?
307
00:14:24,348 --> 00:14:27,366
Honestly, I prefer if you kill us.
308
00:14:28,685 --> 00:14:31,052
Okay, well, we gotta go, Esther.
309
00:14:31,054 --> 00:14:33,772
No, Morty, sit down!
I'm not missing the show.
310
00:14:33,774 --> 00:14:36,492
It comes with dinner.
311
00:14:36,494 --> 00:14:39,060
Tango? Nicolas, you cannot be serious.
312
00:14:39,062 --> 00:14:41,730
Oh, maybe you cannot dance,
Caroline?
313
00:14:41,732 --> 00:14:43,699
Can't dance?
314
00:14:43,701 --> 00:14:48,069
One summer, I taught ballroom
dance to homeless teens.
315
00:14:48,071 --> 00:14:51,173
Because when you're dancing,
you're not hungry?
316
00:14:55,412 --> 00:14:57,296
Fast-forward.
317
00:14:57,298 --> 00:15:01,567
This is my least favorite part
of the Addams Family.
318
00:15:07,441 --> 00:15:10,275
- Look at his pants.
- I know.
319
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:12,945
That tango is giving him
even less ball room.
320
00:15:12,947 --> 00:15:16,148
[chuckles]
321
00:15:16,150 --> 00:15:18,734
Stay. We don't have to have sex.
322
00:15:18,736 --> 00:15:19,768
We don't?
323
00:15:19,770 --> 00:15:21,153
I promise.
324
00:15:21,155 --> 00:15:25,174
I have to go to the restroom, Max.
So do you.
325
00:15:26,409 --> 00:15:29,411
Come in, come in,
come in, come in, come in.
326
00:15:29,413 --> 00:15:30,946
Okay, where's the coke?
327
00:15:30,948 --> 00:15:32,798
There is no coke.
328
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,551
Why would you call anyone
into a bathroom if you don't have coke?
329
00:15:35,553 --> 00:15:36,785
That's rude.
330
00:15:36,787 --> 00:15:39,221
No, I was just gonna talk to you.
331
00:15:39,223 --> 00:15:41,507
Oh, then I'm definitely
gonna need coke.
332
00:15:41,509 --> 00:15:44,092
Okay, look.
You are not sleeping with him.
333
00:15:44,094 --> 00:15:45,928
Of course not.
334
00:15:45,930 --> 00:15:47,846
But tonight I'm thinking
there's something special here.
335
00:15:47,848 --> 00:15:49,798
I mean, we talked, and we laughed.
336
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,234
What is this,
"previously on Caroline"?
337
00:15:52,236 --> 00:15:55,020
Hey.
338
00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:56,271
If you guys are doing blow
in here without me,
339
00:15:56,273 --> 00:15:59,525
I'm gonna be so pissed.
340
00:15:59,527 --> 00:16:01,009
I wish.
341
00:16:01,011 --> 00:16:03,829
No, Caroline wants
to have sex with Nicolas.
342
00:16:03,831 --> 00:16:06,031
Even after that tango?
343
00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:10,285
Listen, now I'm thinking I want
to sleep over, but not have sex.
344
00:16:10,287 --> 00:16:13,789
Is that where he puts it in
but doesn't move it around?
345
00:16:15,758 --> 00:16:18,627
That's what I do
when you're passed out.
346
00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:21,463
That's what I do when you're passed out.
347
00:16:21,465 --> 00:16:23,599
Look, nothing is
going in anywhere.
348
00:16:23,601 --> 00:16:25,267
I just want to get to know him better.
349
00:16:25,269 --> 00:16:28,003
You really think you can
sleep in his bed with him,
350
00:16:28,005 --> 00:16:30,722
and not use his penis
as a body pillow?
351
00:16:30,724 --> 00:16:32,441
Of course.
352
00:16:32,443 --> 00:16:34,109
I've done that with every boy
on the upper east side.
353
00:16:34,111 --> 00:16:37,479
That's why they called me
the East Side Snuggler.
354
00:16:37,481 --> 00:16:39,064
And trust me,
355
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,732
even though his wife begged me
to have sex with him,
356
00:16:40,734 --> 00:16:42,517
I'm not going to.
357
00:16:42,519 --> 00:16:44,987
But didn't you tell us the whole
reason you dragged us here
358
00:16:44,989 --> 00:16:47,005
was because you were afraid
of being alone with him?
359
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:49,825
What is this,
"previously on Caroline"?
360
00:16:49,827 --> 00:16:51,460
Look, I get it.
361
00:16:51,462 --> 00:16:54,796
And if you two really don't think
I'm capable of not having sex with him,
362
00:16:54,798 --> 00:16:56,999
Then hang out for a bit
until you're sure that I'm fine.
363
00:16:57,001 --> 00:17:00,869
Fine, but we are not staying all night.
364
00:17:05,975 --> 00:17:07,893
Here are some blankets for you,
Max and Deke.
365
00:17:07,895 --> 00:17:09,561
You can take the couch.
366
00:17:09,563 --> 00:17:11,480
Caroline and I will take the bed.
367
00:17:11,482 --> 00:17:13,732
Once again, our apologies.
368
00:17:13,734 --> 00:17:16,652
We are just too drunk to go.
369
00:17:16,654 --> 00:17:17,986
Too drunk!
370
00:17:17,988 --> 00:17:20,272
You did share that one glass of wine.
371
00:17:20,274 --> 00:17:23,375
Yup, we are too drunk.
[chuckles]
372
00:17:23,377 --> 00:17:26,194
So, too drunk to walk?
373
00:17:26,196 --> 00:17:28,697
Well, I don't know.
You be the judge.
374
00:17:32,234 --> 00:17:34,586
I am so sorry about this.
375
00:17:34,588 --> 00:17:36,237
It's fine, Caroline.
376
00:17:36,239 --> 00:17:37,339
I know what's going on here.
377
00:17:37,341 --> 00:17:40,075
Oh, and, Nicolas, before you go,
378
00:17:40,077 --> 00:17:44,412
I just wanted to say
thanks again for the drinks,
379
00:17:44,414 --> 00:17:48,884
the dinner, the dessert,
380
00:17:48,886 --> 00:17:52,354
my pillow, and Deke's pillow.
381
00:17:54,223 --> 00:17:57,192
We get it, Grandma. Good night.
We'll be right over there.
382
00:17:57,194 --> 00:17:59,645
And I'll be right over here.
383
00:17:59,647 --> 00:18:03,372
Good night, sleep tight, don't let
the bedbugs have sex with you.
384
00:18:05,602 --> 00:18:08,070
Uh, you and I are gonna
do it, right?
385
00:18:08,072 --> 00:18:10,939
Oh, yeah. Think I took
my pill this morning.
386
00:18:10,941 --> 00:18:13,942
Either that or I didn't take my pill.
387
00:18:13,944 --> 00:18:15,610
Wow, Max, this is a big step
388
00:18:15,612 --> 00:18:17,296
that you may or may not
have taken today.
389
00:18:17,298 --> 00:18:19,915
You know if it's too much trouble,
we don't have to go off condoms.
390
00:18:19,917 --> 00:18:23,885
So you're the one guy in the world
who wants to still wear a condom?
391
00:18:23,887 --> 00:18:25,053
Do you have something?
392
00:18:25,055 --> 00:18:26,421
No, it's not like that.
393
00:18:26,423 --> 00:18:28,840
I'm just saying the pill
is a big commitment.
394
00:18:28,842 --> 00:18:31,560
Oh, so do you not want
to take this step?
395
00:18:31,562 --> 00:18:33,095
Because I already went
to planned parenthood,
396
00:18:33,097 --> 00:18:34,613
And I never plan anything.
397
00:18:34,615 --> 00:18:35,630
Max, I guess I'm just surprised...
398
00:18:35,632 --> 00:18:37,265
Hold that thought.
399
00:18:37,267 --> 00:18:39,901
- I hear nothing.
- So?
400
00:18:39,903 --> 00:18:43,772
So that's what Caroline
sounds like during sex!
401
00:18:43,774 --> 00:18:45,240
Keep talking like I'm here.
402
00:18:45,242 --> 00:18:48,327
Uh...
403
00:18:48,329 --> 00:18:51,196
Ah, oh, yeah, baby!
404
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:52,981
Right there!
That's the spot!
405
00:18:52,983 --> 00:18:57,319
Yeah, now slap my face with 'em!
406
00:18:57,321 --> 00:18:59,955
Well, if you were still here,
that's what I'd be saying.
407
00:18:59,957 --> 00:19:02,257
I'm sorry, I'll switch it up.
408
00:19:02,259 --> 00:19:05,327
Uh, go fish, Max.
409
00:19:07,496 --> 00:19:10,132
- Max, what are you doing?
- What are you doing?
410
00:19:10,134 --> 00:19:14,169
We're fine.
We're just lying here talking.
411
00:19:14,171 --> 00:19:16,621
No, we're not.
I'm really turned on.
412
00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:18,974
Why?
What's he doing to you?
413
00:19:18,976 --> 00:19:22,361
It's not him, it's me.
I'm the predator here.
414
00:19:22,363 --> 00:19:24,863
You were right. You better stop me.
Get up here with us.
415
00:19:24,865 --> 00:19:27,466
[scoffs] I'm not getting
in bed with you.
416
00:19:27,468 --> 00:19:31,019
Max, get in the bed.
417
00:19:31,021 --> 00:19:33,622
I know a Jaques-block when I see one.
418
00:19:33,624 --> 00:19:35,991
I am so sorry.
419
00:19:35,993 --> 00:19:38,526
This is silly.
I know it must be hard for you.
420
00:19:38,528 --> 00:19:42,414
Uh, not anymore.
421
00:19:47,770 --> 00:19:49,704
You know, last night
when you and I were in bed,
422
00:19:49,706 --> 00:19:52,924
I realized I guess Nicolas is just gonna
be one of those people in my life
423
00:19:52,926 --> 00:19:54,893
that I'm always gonna almost
have sex with, but I never will.
424
00:19:54,895 --> 00:19:55,927
You know?
425
00:19:55,929 --> 00:19:58,146
Yeah, like me and you.
426
00:19:58,148 --> 00:20:00,982
- Hey, Deke.
- Hey, Earl.
427
00:20:00,984 --> 00:20:03,935
Best conversation I had today.
428
00:20:03,937 --> 00:20:07,906
Max, last night I got the idea
that maybe you thought
429
00:20:07,908 --> 00:20:10,275
that I didn't want to take our
relationship to the next level.
430
00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:12,244
What is this,
"previously on Deke"?
431
00:20:12,246 --> 00:20:15,864
And just to prove that I do
want to go to the next level,
432
00:20:15,866 --> 00:20:17,332
I got you a ring.
433
00:20:17,334 --> 00:20:18,667
[gasps]
434
00:20:18,669 --> 00:20:21,369
Oh, my God, Max!
I'm so happy for you!
435
00:20:21,371 --> 00:20:24,039
Even though I thought I'd be
the first one to get engaged.
436
00:20:24,041 --> 00:20:27,242
I think we all thought that.
437
00:20:27,244 --> 00:20:31,213
Deke, I don't know what you're gonna pull
out of your pocket, but it better be a gun.
438
00:20:31,215 --> 00:20:33,381
Actually, I know you don't
want a ring-ring.
439
00:20:33,383 --> 00:20:36,468
But how about a NuvaRing?
440
00:20:36,470 --> 00:20:38,553
A NuvaRing?
441
00:20:38,555 --> 00:20:41,056
How did you know my size?
442
00:20:41,058 --> 00:20:43,141
I can't wait to try it on.
443
00:20:43,143 --> 00:20:45,977
Well, I am not throwing you
a shower for that.
444
00:20:45,979 --> 00:20:50,982
After I saw how you maybe forgot
to take your pill on day one,
445
00:20:50,984 --> 00:20:54,152
and then took pills all day
just to be safe,
446
00:20:54,154 --> 00:20:55,787
I thought you'd need a little help.
447
00:20:55,789 --> 00:20:58,623
So there, Max. Will you not
have children with me?
448
00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:01,442
You're damn right I won't.
449
00:21:01,444 --> 00:21:03,962
Oh, wait, I think these
take a couple days to work.
450
00:21:03,964 --> 00:21:06,181
Where are we gonna
get a condom for tonight?
451
00:21:06,183 --> 00:21:09,084
[whistling]
452
00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:17,396
[cash gistre bell dings]
453
00:21:17,595 --> 00:21:20,845
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