1 00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:06,290 Ah, it's like I'm back in my mother's womb. 2 00:00:10,930 --> 00:00:15,180 Only, there's food here. 3 00:00:15,180 --> 00:00:18,010 Ugh, those e-cigs are so stupid. 4 00:00:18,020 --> 00:00:20,270 I mean, smoking real cigarettes kills you, 5 00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:24,220 but smoking fake ones makes me want to kill you. 6 00:00:24,220 --> 00:00:27,270 They're not smoking. They're vaping. 7 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:28,860 Uh-oh. He just passed it to her. 8 00:00:28,860 --> 00:00:31,230 Someone's getting date vaped. 9 00:00:32,530 --> 00:00:35,620 I just figured out the new phones. 10 00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:38,370 Now I've got to figure out how to smoke? 11 00:00:38,370 --> 00:00:40,240 If I wanted to learn everything all over again, 12 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,510 I would have had a stroke. 13 00:00:44,910 --> 00:00:48,210 Hey guys, sorry, but you're not allowed to do that in here. 14 00:00:48,210 --> 00:00:50,800 And I'm not talking about your outfits. 15 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,420 I'll get to those when I bring the check. 16 00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:55,250 Relax, it's not a cigarette. 17 00:00:55,250 --> 00:00:56,470 It has a battery. 18 00:00:56,470 --> 00:01:00,760 Yeah, so does my vibrator, but... 19 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:03,480 can't use that in here either. 20 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:06,950 I didn't approve that rule. 21 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:11,950 22 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:22,950 23 00:01:25,330 --> 00:01:28,250 Well, I think we ordered too many of our cupcake tees. 24 00:01:28,250 --> 00:01:30,340 There are more unworn shirts here 25 00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:33,240 than in Matthew MacConaughey's closet. 26 00:01:34,340 --> 00:01:37,710 Hey, girls. 27 00:01:37,710 --> 00:01:39,450 Look at me. 28 00:01:39,450 --> 00:01:44,240 I got my Sunday bra on 'cause I just came from church. 29 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:46,770 Was it my church? 30 00:01:46,770 --> 00:01:49,590 The Church of Latter-Day Sluts? 31 00:01:49,690 --> 00:01:52,910 Oleg and I are looking for one to get married in. 32 00:01:52,910 --> 00:01:54,960 And it's got to have a wheelchair ramp 33 00:01:54,960 --> 00:02:00,280 'cause I've got a lot of cousins who were born without leg bones. 34 00:02:00,290 --> 00:02:02,620 I'm so excited for you, Sophie. 35 00:02:02,620 --> 00:02:05,620 You deserve all the happiness in the world. 36 00:02:05,630 --> 00:02:08,880 I mean, so do I, but that's obviously not happening. 37 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:12,460 Are you done with your pity-party? 38 00:02:12,470 --> 00:02:14,250 'Cause I got to speak to Max. 39 00:02:14,250 --> 00:02:18,470 Max, do you want to be my maid of honor? 40 00:02:18,470 --> 00:02:24,090 I would rather be eaten alive by a rabbit. 41 00:02:24,090 --> 00:02:29,410 Which would take a long time and be a lot less embarrassing. 42 00:02:29,420 --> 00:02:30,600 And Sophie, you don't really want me 43 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:31,770 to be your maid of honor. 44 00:02:31,770 --> 00:02:35,270 That's right. I don't. 45 00:02:35,270 --> 00:02:37,990 So why are we even talking about it? 46 00:02:37,990 --> 00:02:41,080 Sophie, as honored as I am that you asked, 47 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:44,610 it's just not really my thing, you know, man? 48 00:02:44,610 --> 00:02:46,950 Is this really not your thing? 49 00:02:46,950 --> 00:02:49,080 It's nobody's thing. 50 00:02:49,090 --> 00:02:50,670 You just do it 'cause you're supposed to, 51 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:55,170 like bleaching your teeth or your anus. 52 00:03:00,510 --> 00:03:02,260 Thank God I'm off the list, 53 00:03:02,260 --> 00:03:06,520 'cause that bridesmaid spa day is gonna be rough. 54 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,440 Look, I'm sorry, it's just, I was a maid of honor 55 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:13,270 in fifth grade when my mom married her cult leader. 56 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,610 And then she was my maid of honor 57 00:03:14,610 --> 00:03:17,480 when I married him a week later. 58 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,350 So I'm kind of maid-of-honored out. 59 00:03:20,350 --> 00:03:22,880 Maybe I'll get one of my old sorority sisters 60 00:03:22,890 --> 00:03:24,640 to be my bridesmaid. 61 00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:27,270 I'm gonna go home and find out 62 00:03:27,270 --> 00:03:32,710 which one is still thin enough to fly commercial. 63 00:03:32,710 --> 00:03:35,330 All right, where are we gonna store all these shirts? 64 00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:36,830 It's already too crowded in here 65 00:03:36,830 --> 00:03:40,130 with all the cupcakes, shame, and failure. 66 00:03:40,140 --> 00:03:42,390 We'll sell some of these at the cupcake window, 67 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:43,840 20 of these are already going 68 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,560 to that fancy boutique in Manhattan, 69 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:47,680 and the rest, maybe we'll get lucky 70 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:51,060 and find a gay little league team. 71 00:03:51,060 --> 00:03:52,510 Oh, I know! 72 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,820 Let's get drunk. 73 00:03:54,820 --> 00:03:56,680 That's your solution to everything. 74 00:03:56,690 --> 00:03:58,190 Seriously. 75 00:03:58,190 --> 00:03:59,490 We need to just take some to that new bar 76 00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:02,490 where idiots pay $20 for a drink. 77 00:04:02,490 --> 00:04:06,490 Drunk and stupid, that's our target audience. 78 00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:10,360 And also, the special skills I've listed on my resume. 79 00:04:10,370 --> 00:04:12,920 So you're saying we're gonna stoop so low 80 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:17,500 as to sell T-shirts out of a duffle bag in a bar? 81 00:04:17,510 --> 00:04:19,010 Yeah, we're there. 82 00:04:26,550 --> 00:04:28,180 How much do you think this pays? 83 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:29,380 'Cause I can do that. 84 00:04:29,390 --> 00:04:30,600 Yes, you can. 85 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:34,050 All you need is a stepladder and boobs. 86 00:04:34,060 --> 00:04:36,220 Feel like the Star Trek: Next Generation bar. 87 00:04:36,230 --> 00:04:39,860 Keep your eyes peeled for Whoopi Goldberg in a crazy hat. 88 00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:42,280 I can't believe I'm selling T-shirts out of a duffle bag 89 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:43,800 in the future, too. 90 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:47,070 Yeah. I fully support mixing business and pleasure. 91 00:04:47,070 --> 00:04:51,210 Best sex I ever had was with my boss at a Panera Bread. 92 00:04:51,210 --> 00:04:53,070 I thought you said the best sex you ever had 93 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,360 was with a dude with six fingers. 94 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:56,980 Same guy. 95 00:04:56,980 --> 00:05:00,960 Man, could he make a sandwich crazy fast. 96 00:05:00,970 --> 00:05:03,250 Hi. Want to buy a cool tee for your girlfriend? 97 00:05:03,250 --> 00:05:05,250 Let me see if my girlfriend wants a tee. 98 00:05:05,250 --> 00:05:08,760 You want a tee, honey? 99 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:09,740 Hey! Hey! 100 00:05:09,740 --> 00:05:10,910 Not so fast. 101 00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:12,630 They say "cream filled" on the back. 102 00:05:12,630 --> 00:05:16,130 Huh, boys? Anything? 103 00:05:16,130 --> 00:05:20,470 Wow, gays aren't fun in the future. 104 00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:22,440 Hey. 105 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,740 Jesus comes back in the future. 106 00:05:25,740 --> 00:05:27,270 So what's in the bag? 107 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:30,760 I've never met a girl at a bar with actual baggage. 108 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:35,750 That's funny because you mean like emotional. 109 00:05:35,750 --> 00:05:37,280 You're really beautiful. 110 00:05:37,290 --> 00:05:41,840 Mmm. You weren't nearly this hot in the book. 111 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,460 So can I get you ladies a drink? 112 00:05:43,460 --> 00:05:47,460 Sure, you could just change this water into wine. 113 00:05:47,460 --> 00:05:52,300 Can you, like, do this for me, just, like, once? 114 00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:53,300 Drinks on me. 115 00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:56,490 Oh, lucky them. 116 00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:59,020 I haven't heard I'm beautiful from a non-homeless person 117 00:05:59,020 --> 00:06:00,940 in months. 118 00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:03,940 Well, with that hair, the jury's still out. 119 00:06:03,950 --> 00:06:06,310 Hey, can I kiss you? 120 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:08,480 I suppose a peck wouldn't... 121 00:06:11,220 --> 00:06:15,120 Say what? 122 00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:19,660 - I'm James. - I'm wet. 123 00:06:19,660 --> 00:06:24,670 Because my arm was sitting in water on the bar. 124 00:06:24,670 --> 00:06:26,200 That was so hot, Max. 125 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,840 I have, like, this animal attraction to him. 126 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:32,010 What animal? The Horny Nerd? 127 00:06:32,010 --> 00:06:34,340 Look, I'll leave. You stay and do your thing. 128 00:06:34,340 --> 00:06:36,480 - But we came together. - Yeah, I know you guys did. 129 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,350 It happened, like, the second he kissed you. 130 00:06:39,350 --> 00:06:41,180 I don't do this. I just met him. 131 00:06:41,180 --> 00:06:42,330 Look, Caroline. 132 00:06:42,330 --> 00:06:43,520 I haven't read the Bible. 133 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:46,020 But I know that when Jesus returns, 134 00:06:46,020 --> 00:06:49,470 you must follow him back to his apartment. 135 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,010 Let go... 136 00:06:51,010 --> 00:06:52,510 let God... 137 00:06:52,510 --> 00:06:53,580 get to third base. 138 00:07:04,510 --> 00:07:06,090 Max, where's Caroline? 139 00:07:06,090 --> 00:07:07,540 I haven't seen her all day. 140 00:07:07,540 --> 00:07:09,090 But I'm guessing she's in heaven. 141 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,560 I'm here, I'm here. 142 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:14,710 Nope, she's in hell. 143 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:18,850 Walk of shame, party of one. 144 00:07:18,850 --> 00:07:20,270 Girl. 145 00:07:20,270 --> 00:07:23,720 Gir-irl! 146 00:07:23,730 --> 00:07:25,440 Tell me everything that happened. 147 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:26,940 Leave out no details. 148 00:07:26,950 --> 00:07:29,610 It was insane. I mean, like, so hot. 149 00:07:29,610 --> 00:07:32,060 Like the Caribbean or our shower that one time. 150 00:07:35,070 --> 00:07:37,040 What are you two celebrating? 151 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,990 I know it isn't a job well done. 152 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:43,710 We are celebrating the release 153 00:07:43,710 --> 00:07:46,080 of the new Star Wars: Episode VII trailer online. 154 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,050 Seriously? 155 00:07:52,750 --> 00:07:55,220 Max, we did everything. 156 00:07:55,220 --> 00:07:56,410 We... 157 00:07:56,410 --> 00:07:57,970 Oleg, can you give us some privacy? 158 00:07:57,980 --> 00:07:59,140 What? 159 00:07:59,140 --> 00:08:00,310 I can't be in the ladies' room. 160 00:08:00,310 --> 00:08:01,810 I can't be in the kitchen. 161 00:08:06,270 --> 00:08:09,440 So did you... 162 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:10,820 No. 163 00:08:10,820 --> 00:08:13,440 Well, did you... 164 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,940 No! 165 00:08:15,940 --> 00:08:17,990 Well, did you at least... 166 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,950 Oh, God, no! 167 00:08:20,950 --> 00:08:21,950 Well, what did you do? 168 00:08:21,950 --> 00:08:25,750 Water a plant together? 169 00:08:25,750 --> 00:08:28,290 We had sex. 170 00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:29,790 Last night and today. 171 00:08:29,790 --> 00:08:31,460 That's a big thing for me. 172 00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:35,260 And, yes, it was. 173 00:08:35,260 --> 00:08:38,300 Yes. That was obvious in the bar. 174 00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:41,520 Skinny jeans are just boner X-rays. 175 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:44,970 Oh, no. Oh, no. 176 00:08:44,970 --> 00:08:47,810 What, rat in the slaw again? 177 00:08:47,810 --> 00:08:48,810 My rings. 178 00:08:48,810 --> 00:08:50,610 I left them at his place. 179 00:08:50,610 --> 00:08:51,610 I have to get them back. 180 00:08:51,610 --> 00:08:53,310 They're half my belongings. 181 00:08:53,310 --> 00:08:56,820 So just text him and say, "Yo, I left my rings, 182 00:08:56,820 --> 00:09:00,820 nice wiener" "100" emoji, send. 183 00:09:00,820 --> 00:09:03,320 Max, I can't text a guy first. 184 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:07,490 It's bad enough I have a Groupon for intimacy oil. 185 00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:11,880 Look, worst-case scenario, the McRib is gone for good. 186 00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:16,500 Second worst-case scenario, we can always implement 187 00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:17,550 the two-week rule. 188 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,140 The two-week rule? 189 00:09:19,140 --> 00:09:20,840 Wait, isn't that how long you have to eat Pad Thai 190 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:22,840 before it becomes bad Thai? 191 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,180 No, you really have to read my book. 192 00:09:25,180 --> 00:09:27,480 It means if he doesn't text for two weeks, 193 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:32,180 you can break in and get your stuff. 194 00:09:32,190 --> 00:09:35,070 All that fancy school and you didn't learn nothing. 195 00:09:39,860 --> 00:09:42,700 Two weeks and nothing. 196 00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:45,030 I really thought he'd text. 197 00:09:45,030 --> 00:09:49,500 I also thought Grown Ups 2 should have won the Oscar. 198 00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:51,700 Still got it. 199 00:09:51,710 --> 00:09:52,760 Come on. 200 00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:57,210 Wait, before I lose the rest of my self-esteem... 201 00:09:57,210 --> 00:10:01,010 Tell that to the wall you're currently straddling. 202 00:10:01,020 --> 00:10:03,380 Let me just check my phone one more time to see if he... 203 00:10:03,380 --> 00:10:04,680 Nope. 204 00:10:04,690 --> 00:10:09,190 Self-esteem gone. 205 00:10:09,190 --> 00:10:10,720 I'm afraid to jump. 206 00:10:10,730 --> 00:10:12,060 Jump, whore, jump! 207 00:10:12,060 --> 00:10:16,560 I sound like my mom teaching me how to swim. 208 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,070 I did it. I did it. 209 00:10:20,070 --> 00:10:21,200 That was, like, two feet. 210 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,700 I've snorted lines longer. 211 00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:25,910 All right. 212 00:10:25,910 --> 00:10:27,740 Just another Tuesday. 213 00:10:27,740 --> 00:10:31,380 Going all Bling Ring in Jesus' backyard. 214 00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:33,300 There. That's his bedroom window. 215 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,630 I know 'cause we had to close it, since I'm kind of loud. 216 00:10:36,630 --> 00:10:38,800 Oh, what are you like during sex? 217 00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:42,420 What do I do if he's home? 218 00:10:42,420 --> 00:10:43,720 Do you want me to kill him fast, 219 00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,260 or do you want him to suffer? 220 00:10:45,260 --> 00:10:47,090 And by that, I mean, do you want me to hold him 221 00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:49,760 while you ask him why he didn't call? 222 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,400 He's not home. 223 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,270 According to this Instagram, he's at Chipotle 224 00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:56,100 talking to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder. 225 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,270 He had no time to pop off a text to me. 226 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,990 Oh, it's stuck and I can't fit my boobs through there. 227 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,360 I can barely fit them through the Holland Tunnel. 228 00:11:07,370 --> 00:11:09,250 Fine. I'm going in. 229 00:11:09,250 --> 00:11:12,120 Finally, having no boobs pays off. 230 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:13,120 Lift my legs up. 231 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:14,450 Okay, but your legs in the air 232 00:11:14,460 --> 00:11:19,290 kind of got you here to begin with. 233 00:11:19,290 --> 00:11:21,590 - Uh-oh. - What oh? 234 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,250 I don't remember him having a floral duvet. 235 00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:25,430 Or a bedside toilet. 236 00:11:28,940 --> 00:11:30,970 Or a dog. Pull me out! Pull me out! 237 00:11:30,970 --> 00:11:32,300 You've got to read my book. 238 00:11:32,310 --> 00:11:34,690 I have a whole chapter on pulling out. 239 00:11:36,140 --> 00:11:38,780 No, no, no, no, no! Oh, stop licking me. 240 00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:40,650 Buster? Buster? 241 00:11:40,650 --> 00:11:41,980 Someone's coming. 242 00:11:41,980 --> 00:11:43,820 Someone's coming or getting licked? 243 00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:46,490 Maybe you are in the right apartment. 244 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:51,160 Get out of my house! Get out of my house! 245 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,330 No, no. This is a big mistake. 246 00:11:53,330 --> 00:11:55,710 Ben, call the cops! 247 00:11:55,710 --> 00:12:00,380 We got another crack addict here! 248 00:12:00,380 --> 00:12:03,340 We don't have crack here! 249 00:12:03,340 --> 00:12:08,670 We don't have crack here! And tell your friends! 250 00:12:21,660 --> 00:12:24,410 If these match the prints found at an Arby's break-in in '07, 251 00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:27,690 it's purely coincidental. 252 00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:29,200 I can't believe this is happening to me. 253 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,860 My life is over. 254 00:12:30,870 --> 00:12:32,030 Look at the camera. 255 00:12:35,670 --> 00:12:37,170 I'm so humiliated. 256 00:12:37,170 --> 00:12:41,040 And turn to the side. 257 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:46,260 Ma'am, this isn't "Vogue: Behind Bars." 258 00:12:46,260 --> 00:12:49,550 Sorry, Officer, she's a virgin. 259 00:12:49,550 --> 00:12:51,550 Me, myself, spent some time in the juvie system 260 00:12:51,550 --> 00:12:53,050 up in Providence. 261 00:12:53,050 --> 00:12:54,720 You know a family court judge named Shelly? 262 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,020 No. Go. 263 00:12:58,610 --> 00:13:00,110 Oh! Officer, hold. 264 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:08,730 Thanks, but stay away during the full-body cavity search. 265 00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:09,740 Proceed. 266 00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:10,900 You think? 267 00:13:14,580 --> 00:13:17,540 So you girls broke into an old lady's house, 268 00:13:17,550 --> 00:13:22,580 got halfway through the window, and stole absolutely nothing. 269 00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:24,580 Glad I am protecting the city from you. 270 00:13:24,590 --> 00:13:28,220 I mean, ISIS who, right? 271 00:13:28,220 --> 00:13:30,720 All right. Let's go. 272 00:13:30,730 --> 00:13:33,640 If he had just texted me, none of this would be happening. 273 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,230 I wouldn't be in prison, I'd be home. 274 00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:37,100 My other prison. 275 00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:39,820 Uh, wait, if who had texted you? 276 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:42,320 Thanks for asking. 277 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,100 This guy I slept with didn't text me 278 00:13:44,110 --> 00:13:46,240 for two weeks after we had sex, and I left my rings 279 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:47,270 at his place, so I... 280 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:52,110 You did the two-week rule? 281 00:13:52,110 --> 00:13:53,610 Yeah. 282 00:13:53,610 --> 00:13:55,750 But she got the wrong apartment because, knowing her, 283 00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:58,450 her eyes were closed the whole time. 284 00:13:58,450 --> 00:14:00,290 Well, why didn't you say so? 285 00:14:00,290 --> 00:14:04,290 We got a two-week rule over here! 286 00:14:04,290 --> 00:14:06,180 Stay right over here. 287 00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:07,840 We'll get you out soon. 288 00:14:07,850 --> 00:14:10,300 I left my billy club at the Captain's house. 289 00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:14,430 He's got three more days. 290 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,520 See? See? 291 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:16,800 It's gonna be fine. 292 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,350 We'll just chill here for an hour. 293 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:21,690 It's like an edgier Lens Crafters. 294 00:14:21,690 --> 00:14:24,030 What am I gonna tell my father? 295 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,310 A prisoned prison call? 296 00:14:26,310 --> 00:14:27,480 I can't be here. 297 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,150 I can't be here! 298 00:14:29,150 --> 00:14:30,650 No! No! Come back! We were good! 299 00:14:33,650 --> 00:14:35,490 Dumb move. 300 00:14:35,490 --> 00:14:39,490 Dumber than me and the Captain. 301 00:14:39,490 --> 00:14:43,460 Let me guess, our glasses won't be ready in an hour. 302 00:14:53,130 --> 00:14:58,350 I can't believe you got us arrested in jail. 303 00:14:58,350 --> 00:14:59,350 Where are we going? 304 00:14:59,350 --> 00:15:02,190 I mean, besides nowhere in life. 305 00:15:02,190 --> 00:15:04,610 You girls lost your get-out-of-jail-free card. 306 00:15:04,610 --> 00:15:06,690 You're gonna have to get someone to bail you out. 307 00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:08,860 You're going in the holding cell. 308 00:15:08,860 --> 00:15:12,320 Yo! Fresh meat! 309 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:15,900 Sorry, I have a reputation to uphold. 310 00:15:22,330 --> 00:15:23,540 Max, I'm scared. 311 00:15:23,550 --> 00:15:25,210 I got this. 312 00:15:25,210 --> 00:15:27,960 Yo! She's already my bitch! 313 00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:32,050 So she can't be anyone else's. Sorry. 314 00:15:32,050 --> 00:15:34,340 Hold my belt. 315 00:15:34,340 --> 00:15:37,340 - What? - Do it! 316 00:15:37,340 --> 00:15:39,560 'Sup, 'sup? 317 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,150 Cool, cool. 318 00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:44,680 50 women, 1 toilet? 319 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:49,020 It's like backstage at The View. 320 00:15:49,020 --> 00:15:51,190 Max, I can't handle this. 321 00:15:51,190 --> 00:15:52,570 I can't handle this. 322 00:15:52,570 --> 00:15:55,190 I couldn't even watch The Green Mile. 323 00:15:55,190 --> 00:15:57,530 Relax. This is play-jail. 324 00:15:57,530 --> 00:15:59,000 It's not like we're doing real time. 325 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,660 Just put on your game face. 326 00:16:00,670 --> 00:16:03,030 I don't have a game face. 327 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,590 Unless the game is "I Give Up, My Life Is Over," 328 00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:08,670 then this will do. 329 00:16:08,670 --> 00:16:11,930 Well, do something, because that's about to get wiped off 330 00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,840 your face by the bruiser covered in tattoos 331 00:16:13,850 --> 00:16:16,550 making her way to us right now. 332 00:16:16,550 --> 00:16:18,050 Hey! 333 00:16:18,050 --> 00:16:21,770 You guys signing up for the talent show? 334 00:16:21,770 --> 00:16:23,440 Excuse me? 335 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,390 Yeah. Some of us have been in here for days, 336 00:16:26,390 --> 00:16:27,720 due to prison overcrowding. 337 00:16:27,730 --> 00:16:30,530 So the guards let us put on a show. 338 00:16:30,530 --> 00:16:33,730 As long as nobody dies. 339 00:16:33,730 --> 00:16:36,200 Wow, prison has changed. 340 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,070 Maybe I have a Norman Rockwell idea of prison, 341 00:16:38,070 --> 00:16:40,120 but, uh, what happened to shanking a snitch 342 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,620 in the food line? 343 00:16:41,620 --> 00:16:44,740 Oh, a talent show, that's not scary at all. 344 00:16:44,740 --> 00:16:47,240 You know, I won my yacht club talent show 345 00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:50,130 three years in a row, in the 10 to 13 division. 346 00:16:50,130 --> 00:16:51,580 That's crazy! 347 00:16:51,580 --> 00:16:55,470 I'm looking at 10 to 13 for grand theft auto. 348 00:16:55,470 --> 00:16:56,470 Where are my manners? 349 00:16:56,470 --> 00:16:58,090 I'm Tanaya. 350 00:16:58,090 --> 00:16:59,590 I'm Max. This is Caroline. 351 00:16:59,590 --> 00:17:02,310 But you can call us by our gang names, 352 00:17:02,310 --> 00:17:07,260 White Lightning and The Blade. 353 00:17:07,270 --> 00:17:10,070 Sophie, I need you to bail me and Caroline out jail. 354 00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:11,650 We got charged with breaking and entering, 355 00:17:11,650 --> 00:17:13,900 which is also what Caroline let a guy do to her, 356 00:17:13,910 --> 00:17:16,770 and that's why we're here. 357 00:17:16,780 --> 00:17:19,080 Oh, jeez, Max. 358 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,780 I mean, that's a tough call. 359 00:17:21,780 --> 00:17:26,250 I mean, I don't know if I can. 360 00:17:28,250 --> 00:17:31,760 Yeah, it's really not my thing. 361 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:36,340 You know, man? 362 00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:38,630 I get it. I deserved that. 363 00:17:38,630 --> 00:17:41,770 I said no to you, so you're saying no to me. 364 00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:46,270 Like the old saying, "Tit for bigger tat." 365 00:17:46,270 --> 00:17:48,020 Yeah. Hmm. 366 00:17:48,020 --> 00:17:50,120 All right, let's see. 367 00:17:50,130 --> 00:17:55,110 Uh, I would bail my maid of honor out of jail. 368 00:17:55,110 --> 00:17:56,610 Fine. Fine. 369 00:17:56,620 --> 00:17:58,150 I'll be your maid of honor. 370 00:17:58,150 --> 00:18:00,620 I'll buy you penis straws, and those glasses 371 00:18:00,620 --> 00:18:02,370 where the nose is a penis. 372 00:18:02,370 --> 00:18:05,210 Yeah! And the penis-shaped pasta? 373 00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:07,820 I'll do it all. 374 00:18:07,830 --> 00:18:11,210 I can handle the slammer, but Caroline doesn't stand a chance. 375 00:18:11,210 --> 00:18:12,500 I saw a woman looking at her 376 00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:16,000 like she was a cartoon pork chop. 377 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,380 Okay. Well, I'll see you soon. 378 00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:19,640 And watch your back. 379 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,300 Oh, you know what? 380 00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:24,760 It's a ladies' prison, so watch your front. 381 00:18:31,850 --> 00:18:33,720 Is this your card? 382 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:34,900 No. 383 00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:35,900 Yes! 384 00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:37,020 Yes, that's my card. 385 00:18:37,020 --> 00:18:39,860 Amazing. 386 00:18:39,860 --> 00:18:42,030 Okay. What'd I miss? 387 00:18:42,030 --> 00:18:44,690 The magic show and the improv troupe. 388 00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:45,700 They asked the audience for a word. 389 00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:48,200 I said, "Help." 390 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,200 Sophie's coming down with bail money, 391 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,000 as soon as her turkey is out of the oven. 392 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:55,540 So 4, 4 1/2 hours, depending on the stuffing. 393 00:18:55,540 --> 00:18:57,040 Thank God. 394 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,930 Wait. Bail for both of us, right? 395 00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:00,510 That wasn't her original offer. 396 00:19:00,510 --> 00:19:03,510 But after some negotiating, we got there. 397 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,050 What did you have to do to... 398 00:19:05,050 --> 00:19:06,550 Max, you didn't agree to... 399 00:19:06,550 --> 00:19:08,020 Yup. 400 00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:11,390 Picture me in something low-cut and peach. 401 00:19:11,390 --> 00:19:14,110 A slutty peach. 402 00:19:14,110 --> 00:19:15,530 You'd do that for me? 403 00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:17,560 I'm touched and shocked. 404 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,360 I thought you'd have forgotten me, had sex with the door guard, 405 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,230 and been halfway across the parking lot by now. 406 00:19:22,230 --> 00:19:25,650 Yeah, well, he wasn't into me, so... 407 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,750 Walk of shame, party of two. 408 00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:37,410 Girls, I heard you got locked up. 409 00:19:37,420 --> 00:19:40,250 Yup. We have to do 30 hours of community service. 410 00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:42,420 And Caroline won six minutes of privacy on the toilet 411 00:19:42,420 --> 00:19:43,720 in the talent show. 412 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,640 Well, not so private. 413 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,060 I had to tinkle while a woman in work boots 414 00:19:48,060 --> 00:19:50,390 made heavy eye-contact. 415 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:53,900 I went to prison once for being at the wrong place 416 00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:54,900 at the wrong time. 417 00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:57,570 Meaning, I was down south. 418 00:19:59,940 --> 00:20:03,160 Look who's back from the big house. 419 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,780 Every house is a big house for you, Han. 420 00:20:05,780 --> 00:20:07,660 Watch your step, ex-con, 421 00:20:07,660 --> 00:20:13,080 or I'll get the to haul you back in for impersonating a waitress. 422 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:16,340 I can't believe I'm saying this, but I missed this place. 423 00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:19,090 When I was up in the pen, doing time with my girl, Tanaya... 424 00:20:19,090 --> 00:20:22,960 Well, orange you the new black? 425 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,850 So did you two have fun in ladies' prison? 426 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,960 And tell me, is it anything like the 17 XXX movies 427 00:20:27,970 --> 00:20:30,800 I have with that title? 428 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,690 Okay, so I lost two of my best rings. 429 00:20:33,690 --> 00:20:35,640 So I'm out $11. 430 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,810 I realized I'm tougher than I thought. 431 00:20:37,810 --> 00:20:40,140 I sang in prison. I had a one-night stand. 432 00:20:40,150 --> 00:20:43,280 I'm practically Johnny Cash. 433 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,950 Well, Johnny No Cash.