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00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:06,805
Welcome to the Williamsburg
Diner Awards Night!
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00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:10,709
And here's your host,
Neil Patrick Hairless!
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00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:13,212
This is the night
where everyone is recognized
4
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:16,215
for their, well...
let's call it work.
5
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:17,950
Nice suit, Han.
6
00:00:17,952 --> 00:00:20,486
I loved you in The Penguins
of Madagascar.
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00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:22,988
Here we go.
The award for
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Worst Excuse for Being
Late to Work goes to...
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00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:29,795
Earl, for:
"I died."
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00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:31,296
It was true.
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00:00:31,298 --> 00:00:35,401
I was dead
for a full 60 seconds.
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00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:37,870
And the Foreign Film Award
goes to...
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00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:41,840
Oleg, for always being
covered in a foreign film.
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Yeah. I have so many
bacteria to thank...
15
00:00:45,179 --> 00:00:48,914
but a special shout-out
to streptococcus!
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00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:51,817
And the winner for Best Lie
Told to Get a Bigger Tip
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00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:53,085
goes to...
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00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:54,753
Good luck, girl.
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00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,523
It's an honor to share
this category with you.
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00:00:57,525 --> 00:01:00,726
It's Max...
for showing customers pictures
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00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:03,829
of her three small children
on a regular basis.
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Wow. Oh!
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00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:08,300
This award is dedicated
to the lights of my life--
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00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:10,302
Maxine, Max Jr.,
25
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and Maxi-Pad.
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I know only one of you
can see and hear me,
27
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so please tell the others
I...love...you.
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And the award for
Best Waitress goes to...
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It better not!
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Caroline!
- No!
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00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:34,026
Well, I guess it's true--
women only win awards
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00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:36,995
when they take on roles
that are humiliating.
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And the Best Animated Short
goes to Han Lee!
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00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:51,276
(Peter Bjorn and John)
¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ¶
35
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,045
[cash register bell dings]
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¶ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Ooh Ooh ¶
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Here's your menu.
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I'll be right back
with your water
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and a stomach pump.
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Keep it.
I know what I want.
41
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:09,862
Me too.
But it just seems like
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00:02:09,864 --> 00:02:13,198
Taylor Swift
is never going away.
43
00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:19,037
You're funny. Yeah.
I'm not in the mood for funny.
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I will take tomato soup,
house salad,
45
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:27,146
extra croutons.
And you can charge me extra...
46
00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:29,815
if you have no heart
behind those gazongas.
47
00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:32,885
It's cool.
The guy at the counter
48
00:02:32,887 --> 00:02:35,487
has no teeth,
so you can have his.
49
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:38,624
Less funny--more salad.
Right?
50
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:41,326
Maybe the blonde one
should bring it.
51
00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:43,162
Oh, you want her
to bring it?
52
00:02:43,164 --> 00:02:45,564
Maybe clear your calendar.
53
00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,900
Uh, the lady in the booth
doesn't like my attitude
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00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:50,435
and wants you,
so I guess what I'm saying is
55
00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:52,738
I still got it!
56
00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:56,341
Wait, a customer asked for me
and didn't follow it with,
57
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,443
"I'd also like to see
the manager"?
58
00:02:58,445 --> 00:02:59,912
That's a first for me!
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00:02:59,914 --> 00:03:02,014
Yo, blondie!
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00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:03,248
Croutons!
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00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:05,484
[ding ding]
62
00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:07,653
Pick up.
Tomato soup, house salad.
63
00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:11,557
And I'm also running
a special on D batteries.
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00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:13,525
Buy both, and I'll thrown in
this bootleg copy
65
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,894
of Horrible Bosses II.
66
00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:20,165
Here comes
Horrible Bosses Too Small.
67
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:25,037
Need some new batteries
to keep walking and talking?
68
00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:29,541
No, Max, I'm not powered
by double Ds like you.
69
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:38,350
Preach.
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00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,786
Don't buy batteries
from that guy
71
00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:44,022
unless you want your heart
to stop on the bus.
72
00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:48,860
Oleg, this is supposed
to have extra croutons.
73
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,128
It's for my regular.
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00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:52,698
Yeah, you heard me.
It happened.
75
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:55,033
Oh, no, "Extra Croutons"
is here again?
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00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:57,069
Make sure you charge her
extra.
77
00:03:57,071 --> 00:03:59,871
I'm not made of stale bread!
78
00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:02,140
No, you're made of
Legos, right?
79
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:03,875
We are not charging her extra.
80
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,677
She looks like
she can't afford it.
81
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,046
If she could,
why would she be eating here?
82
00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:09,681
Well, don't judge
a book by its cover.
83
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,617
People look at me and--
Think you're bad in bed?
84
00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:13,218
What's your point?
85
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:16,121
For your information, Max,
I'm not bad in bed.
86
00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:20,125
In fact, I'm quite the stud
in my Sims community.
87
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:24,196
You wouldn't be a stud
in a retirement community.
88
00:04:24,198 --> 00:04:26,331
[bell dings]
89
00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:29,001
Hi!
Here's your salad...
90
00:04:29,003 --> 00:04:31,503
Uh...five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten.
91
00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:33,405
Uh, continue.
92
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,140
And I wanted to introduce
myself.
93
00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:36,908
I'm Caroline,
you're regular waitress.
94
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,343
Ah.
95
00:04:38,345 --> 00:04:40,846
Oh! My turn.
Sorry.
96
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,482
I live alone,
and my plants aren't this needy.
97
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:45,083
I'm Nola.
98
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:47,486
And this is Max.
Max, this is Nola.
99
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,087
'Sup, Lola?
100
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:50,489
It's Nola.
101
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,091
See, this is why
I like the blonde one.
102
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:54,926
She listens.
103
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:57,262
May I please have
a cheesecake?
104
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:58,730
Sure. And thank you, Nola.
105
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:01,066
I think it's important
to listen to people.
106
00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:03,468
Coming right back
with that cherry pie.
107
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:08,407
I'll tell her if she
ever stops listening.
108
00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:12,244
I think Nola knows
I'm more than just a waitress.
109
00:05:12,246 --> 00:05:14,279
She can see
right through this uniform.
110
00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:17,349
And so can I...
in just the right light.
111
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Close the door!
- Oh, my God!
112
00:05:21,455 --> 00:05:22,621
Sophie, you scared me!
113
00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:24,256
You're scared?
114
00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:27,659
I just saw the expiration
date on this milk!
115
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,094
Come on, close it,
quick!
116
00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:31,330
I'm in here hiding
from Oleg.
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00:05:31,332 --> 00:05:32,964
If you wanna get away
from Oleg,
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00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:35,834
just go anywhere
they sell floss.
119
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:38,370
I think that Oleg
is cheating on me.
120
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,671
Look.
- Oh, God!
121
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,207
Now she's gonna start
whipping it out?
122
00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:43,675
Look...
123
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,178
He has a second
secret phone.
124
00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:48,547
It's a boner phone.
125
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,849
You mean a burner phone.
126
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,451
Same thing.
127
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:53,885
Sophie, how do you know
128
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:55,387
he just doesn't use it
for long distance or...
129
00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:58,056
Or for the woman
that I'm calling right now?
130
00:05:58,058 --> 00:06:00,058
Oh, put her on speaker.
131
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:03,195
I've nothing else to do.
I'm at work.
132
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,597
(woman)
Da? Oleg?
133
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:08,400
[grunts hoarsely]
Uh...ah...
134
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:15,907
(woman)
Oleg?
135
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:18,910
[hoarsely]
Uhh...ah!
136
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:23,382
That...
is a terrible Oleg.
137
00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:26,318
He is not that articulate.
138
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,388
[woman speaking in Russian]
139
00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:33,325
Hah! That old whore!
140
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:35,560
What did she say?
141
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:38,096
I have no idea!
142
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,798
I don't speak Russian,
but...
143
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,901
I do speak "old whore."
144
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,604
Tell me,
what is his problem?
145
00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:49,174
He has a sweet,
young filly like me at home
146
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:51,810
and he needs to go out
and plow
147
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:55,080
some old Russian field?
148
00:06:57,351 --> 00:07:00,852
Well...I'd ask what
you three are doing in here,
149
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,487
but it's never gonna top
150
00:07:02,489 --> 00:07:05,090
what I'm imagining
you're doing in here.
151
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,898
I can't believe
Nola didn't come in tonight.
152
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:15,667
This is exactly what happened
with my Starbucks barista guy.
153
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:19,070
One minute, he's suggestively
arranging the bananas at me,
154
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:21,506
and then next minute,
he's face-down,
155
00:07:21,508 --> 00:07:23,608
dead in a puddle
of soy milk.
156
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,744
Max, what if something
happened to her?
157
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:27,879
More croutons for us!
158
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:30,115
She said, "I'll see you
tomorrow."
159
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,517
That doesn't mean anything.
It's just an expression
160
00:07:32,519 --> 00:07:35,921
like, "Employees
must wash hands."
161
00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:40,559
Or...
or, "The baby is yours."
162
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:42,561
Hey, everybody!
163
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,965
Oh, Sophie,
it's just you.
164
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,967
You're poor!
165
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,569
And now we're even.
166
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,771
Look, I stole it again.
Where's Oleg?
167
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:54,372
I'll tell you
where he's not--
168
00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:56,341
Culinary school.
169
00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:57,809
He's on break.
170
00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:01,012
Oh, she's gonna be sorry!
171
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:04,683
Oh...no one comes between
Sophie and her man.
172
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:07,652
You know...unless
we pay them to.
173
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,556
Couple things--
174
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:14,960
A--does anyone
ever work here?
175
00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:18,029
Caroline, stop worrying.
Extra Croutons is fine.
176
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:21,399
She just called to order
some diner food to be delivered.
177
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:25,070
Oh! So she wants to die
at home.
178
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,372
I said we don't do deliveries.
179
00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:29,374
I told her you two
can barely get the food
180
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:32,077
from the window
to the tables!
181
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,850
Max, I had to stop by
182
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,819
and bring Nola her salad
and croutons.
183
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:43,321
I mean, she's kind of
my biggest fan right now.
184
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:46,324
True...'cause you just
lost me.
185
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:48,560
I know you think
this is crazy,
186
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:50,996
but there's something about
the way Nola looks at me.
187
00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:53,098
It's like she's seeing
something in me.
188
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,634
The woman wears
two pairs of glasses.
189
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:59,070
To her, you're just a chatty
yellow and orange blur.
190
00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:02,507
I was told
you didn't deliver.
191
00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:05,644
By who,
her old boyfriends?
192
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:08,446
Are you two
gonna kill me or something?
193
00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:10,148
Because if you are,
194
00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:13,184
I would like to put on
a different hat.
195
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:14,920
No, no, no.
She got worried.
196
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:16,688
See, you're her first
regular.
197
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,490
I'm just here
for the story.
198
00:09:18,492 --> 00:09:20,592
I figured there'd be something
freaky behind this door
199
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:24,362
like a 50-foot python
and what's left of the UPS guy.
200
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,531
And Earl guessed
you were a man.
201
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,166
No man.
202
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:31,937
No, just me in here with
my vagina and my photographs.
203
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:33,772
Oh! You're a photographer?
204
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,273
I love photography!
205
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,042
And I love privacy.
206
00:09:37,044 --> 00:09:38,677
And I love pot.
207
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,046
Oh, I thought
we were going around.
208
00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:43,315
Come on.
You better come in too.
209
00:09:43,317 --> 00:09:45,951
You're the Yin
to her Yap.
210
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,452
Hey, careful
where you step.
211
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:50,021
I can't find
my third pair of glasses.
212
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,991
It's on top of your hat.
No, that's my fourth pair.
213
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,893
Hey!
214
00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:56,695
This is Billy the bum!
215
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:59,331
He used to live in a box around
the corner from my apartment.
216
00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:00,899
He even let me stay over once
217
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:02,634
when I had to get away
from this bad roommate.
218
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:05,370
Oh, the one before me?
No, it was you.
219
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:08,239
You two are a riot
together.
220
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:12,377
You remind me of me
and my old photographer friend
221
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:13,812
Annie Leibovitz.
222
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,213
Course,
this was before...
223
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:16,848
Before she got famous?
224
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:19,150
No.
Before she hit on me.
225
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:21,987
I told her
I wasn't into girls.
226
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:25,357
But...I think she was
confused by the derby.
227
00:10:25,359 --> 00:10:28,193
Yeah. I think we're all
a little confused by it.
228
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:31,329
Nola, I want to ask you
if you've ever had any success,
229
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:33,932
but I don't know how to
do that without insulting you.
230
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,501
That's correct.
You don't.
231
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:42,407
Oh! You're having
a gallery show in SoHo?
232
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:44,209
Good-bye.
233
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:46,011
Uh, it was nice
of you two
234
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:48,346
to, uh, come over,
check on me.
235
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:50,715
Uh...weird, but nice.
236
00:10:50,717 --> 00:10:53,251
Perhaps we could come
to the opening.
237
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,620
Oh. Oh, you don't
need to do that.
238
00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:57,322
I know we don't need to,
239
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,591
but maybe I want to support
you and your amazing work.
240
00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:01,326
And Max would enjoy.
the free wine.
- Yes, I would.
241
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,327
[laughs]
No.
242
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,162
Oh, I would.
243
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:07,365
No as in, "No, don't come."
244
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:09,034
Now,
if you'll excuse me,
245
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:10,635
I wanna eat my croutons
246
00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:12,837
without the vaudeville
stylings
247
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,706
of Shecky and Nosy.
248
00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:21,046
Here.
249
00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:23,782
Oh, yeah, good.
I was looking for this.
250
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:33,258
I can't believe
you're doing all this
251
00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:34,759
for a diner regular.
252
00:11:34,761 --> 00:11:36,828
I haven't seen you
this desperate since Monday,
253
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:39,998
Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, and Friday.
254
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,667
I know--on the weekends,
I just give up.
255
00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:44,969
Look that title!
256
00:11:44,971 --> 00:11:46,671
"The Great Unwashed."
257
00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:49,541
Are Oleg's balls here?
258
00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:54,546
Max, it's the "art scene."
259
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:57,282
Class it up.
At least say testicles.
260
00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,017
Evening, ladies.
261
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,885
Earl, what are you
doing here?
262
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:05,190
And, Han, your sweater's
eating your head.
263
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,058
I'm here for the champagne
264
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:11,563
and because I couldn't
find my way out.
265
00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:16,201
I just walked into
a picture of a door.
266
00:12:16,203 --> 00:12:19,971
Some of these are going
for thousands of dollars!
267
00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:22,040
That Nola bitch is rich,
and I bet she has
268
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:25,944
a frigging summer house
made out of my free croutons!
269
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:30,415
Han, it's the art scene.
Class it up.
270
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:34,652
At least say "freaking."
Also, "testicles."
271
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:37,622
Well, I'm not wasting
this new turtleneck on you two.
272
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:39,390
I'm going to go mingle.
273
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:41,760
A high fashion model
was giving me the eye.
274
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,162
Then she'd have to be
high.
275
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:48,266
Uh, Han, I believe
I'll stay here.
276
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,468
Nobody wins with a Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle
277
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,370
as a wingman.
278
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:55,740
Oh, hey, everybody.
279
00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:57,175
Hey, Sophie.
Hey, Oleg.
280
00:12:57,177 --> 00:13:00,345
So can I class it
back down now?
281
00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:02,747
Sorry we're late.
I was just over there
282
00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:06,484
admiring the photo of the happy
couple under the bridge.
283
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,887
Happy couple?
Sophie, they're two junkies
284
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:11,055
sharing a needle.
285
00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:12,757
Yeah, well,
286
00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:16,494
at least the lady junkie
knows where his needle's been.
287
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,763
I don't even think
she knows her name.
288
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:21,032
Well, she knows more
than she's letting on.
289
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:23,201
She knows everything.
290
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,204
Hey, you guys have
been here a while.
291
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:28,273
Where's the best place
to steal some food?
292
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:29,908
Max!
- Sorry, sorry.
293
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:34,045
Classing it up:
Testicles some food?
294
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:37,215
Oh, Max, I can tell
by your sassy demeanor
295
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:39,684
you haven't seen
your photo yet.
296
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:43,755
What photo? I haven't
bounced any checks here.
297
00:13:45,759 --> 00:13:48,793
Yep, that's me, all right.
298
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:51,229
I recognize
that "I don't care" pout
299
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:54,866
and the Thousand Island
dressing in my hair.
300
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,835
Max, just because
you're hanging on a wall
301
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,704
among the poorest,
most lost souls in our city
302
00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:02,607
doesn't mean
that your life is...
303
00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:05,844
I'm hanging
right behind me, aren't I?
304
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:09,881
Oh, my God!
305
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:12,884
It could be worse.
You could be naked.
306
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:14,886
This is worse
than being naked!
307
00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:17,655
I'm wearing polyester!
308
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,657
It's bad enough
I'm a waitress in Brooklyn.
309
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:21,860
Now I'm a waitress
in Manhattan,
310
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:24,629
and these guys
didn't even tip!
311
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,664
No, no, no, it's a photograph,
312
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:28,466
so it's more symbolic.
313
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:31,870
It's called "Waitress"
314
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:34,005
and I'm holding
a check pad.
315
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,875
What do all these
blue dots mean?
316
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:39,811
Is my picture in trouble?
317
00:14:39,813 --> 00:14:42,747
That's how many times
your print has been purchased.
318
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,354
Over here, Max,
away from that
319
00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:52,223
pathetic blonde lady
in the waitress uniform.
320
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:55,093
Will you relax?
No one even recognized you.
321
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:57,729
No one?
What about that art critic
322
00:14:57,731 --> 00:14:59,264
who said that
"my smile on the photo
323
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:02,233
"was a study of tragic,
foolish optimism
324
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:05,336
in a hopeless,
dead-end life"?
325
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:09,274
Oh, him.
326
00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:10,775
"Hopeless, dead-end life"?
327
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,977
And then worse,
no one buys me?
328
00:15:12,979 --> 00:15:15,747
I'm not even a success
as a failure?
329
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:19,651
You're totally
a success as a failure.
330
00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:21,452
Then where are all
the blue dots, Max?
331
00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:23,688
15 people bought you.
332
00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:26,157
Whatever you do,
don't turn around.
333
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,426
Look at these dots!
334
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:34,532
I am going home
with all these people--
335
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:37,302
men, women, black, white.
336
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:39,971
It's like a key party
at Joe Namath's house
337
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:42,273
in the '70s.
338
00:15:47,013 --> 00:15:48,680
Hey, Shecky!
339
00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:51,716
Why are you putting a dot
by your friend's photo?
340
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:54,352
Uh, how many extra croutons
can you buy
341
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:57,255
with the buttload of money
you're making from these photos?
342
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,524
A buttload.
Okay, Okay.
343
00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:02,060
I get it, you're mad.
Tell you what.
344
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:05,396
I will give you
a free print of your photo.
345
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,231
Look, keep the photo.
346
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:10,101
I don't want a picture
of me marrying ketchups.
347
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,904
I don't want a picture of me
marrying anybody.
348
00:16:12,906 --> 00:16:15,239
But you can pay me back
another way.
349
00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:17,408
I told you,
I'm not a lesbian.
350
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,444
I just wear hats.
351
00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:24,949
Your friend says
you hate your photo.
352
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:26,150
No.
353
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:28,453
I enjoy being
secretly photographed
354
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:31,923
while I'm stealing someone
extra, extra croutons.
355
00:16:31,925 --> 00:16:33,324
For the record,
356
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:36,260
I never saw your smile
as foolish.
357
00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:37,929
I saw it as, uh...
358
00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:39,797
just a little big.
359
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:42,767
Uh--I'm trying to
pay you a compliment.
360
00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:44,736
Well, you failed.
361
00:16:44,738 --> 00:16:47,338
All this time,
when you looked at me,
362
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,273
I thought you saw
something special,
363
00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:52,076
but all you really saw was
someone reading the specials.
364
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:54,579
I have a question
for you.
365
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:57,215
Okay, fine.
I wear the derby
366
00:16:57,217 --> 00:17:00,585
because I have a little
bit of a bald spot.
367
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,488
Why didn't I sell?
368
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,390
The picture sucks.
369
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:07,058
One of my worst.
370
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,993
If you're still trying
to give me a compliment,
371
00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:10,328
you're still failing.
372
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:12,497
Look, a good photograph
373
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:14,499
captures the truth.
374
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:17,268
And I guess
no one really believes
375
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:19,437
you as a waitress.
376
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:25,043
That is the single nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.
377
00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:27,445
So it's not where
you wanna be--I get it.
378
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:31,282
Look, it's taken me 50 years
to be where I am.
379
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:35,186
And you are still
so young.
380
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:37,288
That is
the second-nicest thing
381
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,290
anyone's ever said to me!
382
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:42,627
The road is long,
and trust me,
383
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:45,897
it can be really hard.
384
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,799
So whatever you do,
385
00:17:47,801 --> 00:17:51,135
you hold on to that
foolishly hopeful smile.
386
00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:55,440
And...your funny friend.
387
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:57,608
Yes?
- Yes.
388
00:17:57,610 --> 00:18:01,379
Uh, everyone,
tonight we are witness
389
00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:03,981
to the amazing work
390
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,817
of Nola Anderz.
391
00:18:05,819 --> 00:18:07,652
[applause]
392
00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:09,987
Why don't we all
just stand here quietly
393
00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:14,792
for a moment
and let Nola's pictures speak.
394
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,463
[cell phone ringing]
395
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:20,531
That's my phone.
Where is it?
396
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:23,167
[ringing]
397
00:18:23,169 --> 00:18:26,904
Baby, why is my phone
in your bra?
398
00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:28,639
Shh, please!
399
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,876
It's your secret phone!
I know all about it.
400
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:34,178
[ringing]
- You took it?
Give it to me.
401
00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:37,315
Who is she, Oleg?
Who is this skanky old whore?
402
00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:39,183
Security!
Security!
403
00:18:40,753 --> 00:18:42,920
What--no, no, no!
Stop, stop--she has my phone.
404
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,589
It's his boner phone,
everybody!
405
00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:46,224
It's his boner phone!
406
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:51,429
And you had the testicles
to think
407
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:54,165
I was gonna embarrass you.
408
00:18:58,838 --> 00:18:59,837
Hey, Sophie.
409
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:01,305
Hey, girls.
410
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:02,907
Did you hear that?
411
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:05,476
It sounds a little
bit like...I don't know.
412
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:08,179
The sound of cheating.
413
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,281
You guys
haven't made up yet?
414
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:11,816
Don't make up here.
415
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:14,018
No. I slept
on the couch.
416
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:16,120
I missed her so much,
I watched a romcom
417
00:19:16,122 --> 00:19:19,624
while eating a whole box
of her edible underwear.
418
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:22,193
Still not talking to me,
Sophie?
419
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:25,463
For the last time,
there's nobody else but you.
420
00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:27,798
I use that phone...
Yes?
421
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,534
to...
Go on.
422
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:32,136
I use it to call...
Cut to the chase!
423
00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:34,172
My mother.
424
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:37,508
Is there no one
he won't sleep with?
425
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,277
I didn't tell you because
426
00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:41,279
I didn't want you to think
I was a mama's boy.
427
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:44,115
Except when we play
"Mama and Boy."
428
00:19:44,117 --> 00:19:45,850
Well...
429
00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:47,618
I'll tell you
what I told that girl
430
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,954
at the Yankee Candle store.
431
00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:52,456
"I'm not buyin' it!"
432
00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:54,625
It's true, Sophie.
433
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:57,795
I'm afraid I'm...
losing my hair.
434
00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,666
Oh...Oleg.
435
00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:03,868
But don't you know...
436
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:07,838
I mean, you could be
balder than Jeremy Piven was
437
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:12,476
15 years ago,
and I'd still love ya.
438
00:20:12,478 --> 00:20:17,381
[phone ringing]
439
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,517
Where's my--
[ringing]
440
00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:22,653
Busted.
441
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:26,157
Caroline,
I have something for you.
442
00:20:26,159 --> 00:20:28,192
I'm not signing
another one of those
443
00:20:28,194 --> 00:20:30,928
giant birthday cards
again.
444
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,702
It's my picture.
445
00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:40,838
Great. Now I have two of you
that don't wait on tables.
446
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,274
"Thanks for the croutons.
Nola."
447
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:45,343
Max, where are we
gonna hang me?
448
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:47,178
Maybe you should hang yourself
in the bathroom
449
00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:49,647
like I thought you would
three years ago.
450
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:52,783
Yep. I lost $20 on that bet.
451
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:54,318
You know, Max,
452
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,754
maybe I have to stop running
away from this part of my life
453
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,290
and embrace it,
see it as part of my journey,
454
00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:02,059
my...beautiful,
exciting journey.
455
00:21:02,061 --> 00:21:05,596
If you don't shut up,
I'm gonna hang you right here.
456
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:09,834
[cha-ching]