1
00:00:01,593 --> 00:00:02,993
Here you go.
2
00:00:02,995 --> 00:00:04,728
And I hope you enjoyed
dinner and the show.
3
00:00:04,730 --> 00:00:08,323
The show being me pretending
I'm happy as a waitress.
4
00:00:08,701 --> 00:00:10,133
Caroline, where is Max?
5
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,936
And I've already checked
the bowels of hell.
6
00:00:12,938 --> 00:00:15,342
Yeah, I know where I work.
7
00:00:15,975 --> 00:00:17,341
Max is going to be late today
8
00:00:17,343 --> 00:00:18,475
'cause she got stuck on the subway.
9
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:19,776
But you said yesterday she was late
10
00:00:19,778 --> 00:00:21,912
because she was stuck on the subway.
11
00:00:21,914 --> 00:00:26,483
No, I believe I said yesterday
she got stuck under the subway.
12
00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:28,318
Oleg, a little help.
13
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:29,586
Oh, Max?
14
00:00:29,588 --> 00:00:31,555
Today she got stuck on a bus.
15
00:00:31,557 --> 00:00:34,958
And you said that the
day before yesterday.
16
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,093
- Earl?
- She got stuck between the moon
17
00:00:37,095 --> 00:00:39,729
and New York City.
18
00:00:39,731 --> 00:00:42,943
I know it's crazy, but it's true.
19
00:00:43,769 --> 00:00:44,868
Sorry I'm late.
20
00:00:44,870 --> 00:00:46,770
I couldn't find our cat, Nancy.
21
00:00:46,772 --> 00:00:49,751
Also, I was stuck on the
bus or under the subway.
22
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:51,775
Unless they told you
something different,
23
00:00:51,777 --> 00:00:53,810
then I was doing that.
24
00:00:53,812 --> 00:00:56,313
Oh, come on. That excuse
was less satisfying
25
00:00:56,315 --> 00:00:59,449
than the end of Serial.
26
00:00:59,451 --> 00:01:01,351
Max, really, what do you take me for?
27
00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:03,486
Well, I know where I can't take you.
28
00:01:03,488 --> 00:01:06,235
On the big rides at Disneyland.
29
00:01:07,893 --> 00:01:09,325
Nancy still hasn't come home.
30
00:01:09,327 --> 00:01:10,393
I'm freaking out.
31
00:01:10,395 --> 00:01:11,895
She's the only thing I love.
32
00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:12,862
[gasps]
33
00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:14,839
Whatever.
34
00:01:14,933 --> 00:01:17,467
I had a cat once. He was cool.
35
00:01:17,469 --> 00:01:21,337
He was black and very sexually active.
36
00:01:21,339 --> 00:01:26,075
Oh, wait, the cool cat
I'm talking about was me.
37
00:01:26,077 --> 00:01:29,178
Earl, be careful, at your age,
you could die having sex.
38
00:01:29,180 --> 00:01:30,913
I know.
39
00:01:30,915 --> 00:01:33,196
Those ladies don't know
whether I'm coming or going.
40
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,254
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪
41
00:01:38,256 --> 00:01:40,022
[cash register bell dings]
42
00:01:40,024 --> 00:01:44,026
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪
43
00:01:44,507 --> 00:01:50,822
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
44
00:01:52,620 --> 00:01:54,755
I think Nancy might be gone for good.
45
00:01:54,756 --> 00:01:56,448
I just can't believe she
didn't take me with her.
46
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:57,857
We had a deal.
47
00:01:57,859 --> 00:01:59,525
Max, she'll come back to the apartment,
48
00:01:59,527 --> 00:02:01,160
even if she doesn't want to.
49
00:02:01,162 --> 00:02:03,596
I mean, I always do.
50
00:02:03,598 --> 00:02:05,297
I am not surprised you're not worried.
51
00:02:05,299 --> 00:02:06,499
You never really liked Nancy.
52
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:09,568
You call her "that cat."
53
00:02:09,570 --> 00:02:13,672
As in, "that cat" peed on my pillow.
54
00:02:13,674 --> 00:02:17,476
While I was sleeping on it, Max.
55
00:02:17,478 --> 00:02:20,980
Well, blame me. I got her drunk.
56
00:02:20,982 --> 00:02:25,017
Hey, everybody!
57
00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:29,989
Look, girls, I got your
pussy in my purse.
58
00:02:29,991 --> 00:02:31,957
Either that's a cat, or you
two got to keep better track
59
00:02:31,959 --> 00:02:35,761
of your belongings.
60
00:02:35,763 --> 00:02:37,863
Yay!
61
00:02:37,865 --> 00:02:40,999
That cat's back.
62
00:02:41,001 --> 00:02:42,568
See, Max?
63
00:02:42,570 --> 00:02:45,070
I am excited.
64
00:02:45,072 --> 00:02:47,306
[baby talk] Oh, I missed you so much.
65
00:02:47,308 --> 00:02:49,641
Oh, yes, I did.
66
00:02:49,643 --> 00:02:52,444
That's not Nancy.
67
00:02:52,446 --> 00:02:54,146
That is a boy.
68
00:02:54,148 --> 00:02:55,847
Well, Max, sorry I don't
check out a cat's junk
69
00:02:55,849 --> 00:02:57,950
the second it comes through the door.
70
00:02:57,952 --> 00:02:59,785
Yeah, you only look at the face.
71
00:02:59,787 --> 00:03:03,021
That's the difference
between you and me.
72
00:03:03,023 --> 00:03:06,058
See, look, the name tag says "Cinnamon."
73
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:09,261
No wonder that little girl
kept crying and saying,
74
00:03:09,263 --> 00:03:12,264
"Give me Cinnamon, Give me Cinnamon."
75
00:03:12,266 --> 00:03:15,000
I looked her right in
the eye and I said,
76
00:03:15,002 --> 00:03:19,271
"I don't carry spices in my purse."
77
00:03:19,273 --> 00:03:21,540
Max, you are completely overreacting.
78
00:03:21,542 --> 00:03:23,074
- It's just a...
- Oh! Just a what?
79
00:03:23,076 --> 00:03:25,377
Say it!
80
00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:27,045
- It's just a cat.
- [gasps]
81
00:03:27,047 --> 00:03:29,681
You!
82
00:03:29,683 --> 00:03:32,851
Hey, I'm the one who fronted us
that dollar to get her name tag.
83
00:03:32,853 --> 00:03:34,486
Thanks to me, someone's
gonna pick her up,
84
00:03:34,488 --> 00:03:36,554
look at it, and say,
"Oh, you must be lost,
85
00:03:36,556 --> 00:03:38,523
little... cat."
86
00:03:38,525 --> 00:03:40,859
Nancy! Her name's Nancy!
87
00:03:40,861 --> 00:03:42,160
I know her name!
88
00:03:42,162 --> 00:03:43,995
It got momentarily pushed out of my head
89
00:03:43,997 --> 00:03:46,898
to make room for those
1,600 cupcake T-shirts
90
00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:48,867
we can't unload or pay for.
91
00:03:48,869 --> 00:03:50,502
You think I don't wake up screaming
92
00:03:50,504 --> 00:03:53,438
four or five nights a week
about those T-shirts?
93
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,840
But I know our cat's name.
94
00:03:55,842 --> 00:03:58,276
You don't wake up at night ever.
95
00:03:58,278 --> 00:04:01,579
No, I sleep like a dead
baby, it's my one gift.
96
00:04:01,581 --> 00:04:02,580
[phone rings]
97
00:04:02,582 --> 00:04:04,716
Oh, the phone! [gasps]
98
00:04:04,718 --> 00:04:06,718
Unknown number. This could be it!
99
00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:11,189
I like my numbers like my condom
expiration dates, unknown.
100
00:04:11,191 --> 00:04:12,290
Hello?
101
00:04:12,292 --> 00:04:14,258
- Yes?
- Who is it, Max?
102
00:04:14,260 --> 00:04:16,394
You have her? Yay!
103
00:04:16,396 --> 00:04:17,428
Oh, sure, great.
104
00:04:17,430 --> 00:04:18,496
- Thank you.
- He has her?
105
00:04:18,498 --> 00:04:19,564
He has Nancy?
106
00:04:19,566 --> 00:04:20,798
Please, too little, too late.
107
00:04:27,773 --> 00:04:29,740
Max, we're in $10,000 worth of debt
108
00:04:29,742 --> 00:04:31,676
and you spent money on new kitty litter?
109
00:04:31,678 --> 00:04:35,613
Relax, I'm going to pee in it, too.
110
00:04:35,615 --> 00:04:37,415
Well, I guess it beats
that Sprite bottle
111
00:04:37,417 --> 00:04:39,283
you've been using in your bedroom.
112
00:04:39,285 --> 00:04:40,951
It's just such a long
walk to the bathroom
113
00:04:40,953 --> 00:04:42,520
that every time I have to go,
114
00:04:42,522 --> 00:04:44,922
it's like I'm raising money for MS.
115
00:04:44,924 --> 00:04:47,358
Oh, I have good news.
116
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:52,096
I found your lost bra in the litter box.
117
00:04:52,098 --> 00:04:53,631
Don't think I'm not still wearing it.
118
00:04:53,632 --> 00:04:54,599
I mean, why not?
119
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:57,868
I ate a hot dog that rolled
under a car the other day.
120
00:04:57,870 --> 00:04:59,270
I left a couple of big clumps in,
121
00:04:59,272 --> 00:05:01,906
just to help you out a little.
122
00:05:01,908 --> 00:05:02,906
[knock at door]
123
00:05:02,908 --> 00:05:04,441
Oh, okay, that's Nancy.
124
00:05:04,443 --> 00:05:08,078
Here's a chance for a
fresh start for you two.
125
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,180
And don't bring up the bra, we
don't know why she wanted it,
126
00:05:10,182 --> 00:05:12,883
but I'm sure she had her reasons.
127
00:05:12,885 --> 00:05:14,251
Fine, I'll be on my best behavior.
128
00:05:14,253 --> 00:05:16,987
But you watch and see how she treats me.
129
00:05:16,989 --> 00:05:20,691
It's a two-way street.
130
00:05:20,693 --> 00:05:22,126
Hi, I have your cat.
131
00:05:22,128 --> 00:05:24,728
And surprisingly, your doorknob.
132
00:05:24,730 --> 00:05:26,930
Oh, that gum wore out already?
133
00:05:26,932 --> 00:05:29,466
[gasps] Hi, buddy!
134
00:05:29,468 --> 00:05:31,268
Hi, I'm Caroline. This is Max.
135
00:05:31,270 --> 00:05:32,803
Thank you so much for bringing back...
136
00:05:32,805 --> 00:05:34,938
- Nancy!
- I know!
137
00:05:34,940 --> 00:05:37,841
And please note, she did
not even look at me.
138
00:05:37,843 --> 00:05:39,176
Hi. I'm Owen.
139
00:05:39,178 --> 00:05:43,046
Well, we are "Owen" you a big thank-you.
140
00:05:43,048 --> 00:05:44,715
Kind of low on cash, how would you feel
141
00:05:44,717 --> 00:05:46,650
about 1,000 cute cupcake tees?
142
00:05:46,652 --> 00:05:48,585
Yeah, I don't need 1,000 pink T-shirts.
143
00:05:48,587 --> 00:05:52,089
My dad's already mad at me
I don't care about sports.
144
00:05:52,091 --> 00:05:53,724
How do you get this thing open?
145
00:05:53,726 --> 00:05:55,158
We usually just take Nancy around
146
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:57,094
in an old vacuum cleaner bag.
147
00:05:57,096 --> 00:06:00,764
Also doubles as my "going out" purse.
148
00:06:00,766 --> 00:06:02,999
Pardon me, may I get past?
149
00:06:03,001 --> 00:06:04,634
Oh, manners.
150
00:06:04,636 --> 00:06:06,102
In our doorway?
151
00:06:06,104 --> 00:06:08,305
I don't know what to do.
152
00:06:08,307 --> 00:06:12,208
What's next, a front stoop with
no discarded heroin needles?
153
00:06:12,210 --> 00:06:13,577
Yeah, I just came up there.
154
00:06:13,579 --> 00:06:16,446
Not today.
155
00:06:16,448 --> 00:06:17,605
Here, let me help.
156
00:06:17,606 --> 00:06:19,817
I mean, I'm the dumb one who
paid $2,000 for a cat carrier.
157
00:06:19,818 --> 00:06:22,385
Hmm. I miss being that stupid.
158
00:06:22,387 --> 00:06:24,087
You know, my cat can't
get this open either.
159
00:06:24,089 --> 00:06:26,656
It must be the lack of thumbs.
160
00:06:26,658 --> 00:06:29,592
Rich, funny, and in a suit at 9:00 A.M.?
161
00:06:29,594 --> 00:06:32,128
I really don't know what to do.
162
00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:34,330
You know, my cat,
Dickens, loves your cat.
163
00:06:34,332 --> 00:06:36,733
Oh, Dickens, after the author?
164
00:06:36,735 --> 00:06:39,736
Dickens, after the author, Max.
165
00:06:39,738 --> 00:06:41,771
Yeah, I know who that is.
166
00:06:41,773 --> 00:06:45,675
The guy who wrote
Muppets Christmas Carol.
167
00:06:45,677 --> 00:06:47,877
There. I knew I'd get it.
168
00:06:47,879 --> 00:06:50,313
'Cause I have thumbs.
169
00:06:50,315 --> 00:06:52,849
[baby talk] Oh, there she is.
170
00:06:52,851 --> 00:06:54,317
- [cat meows]
- Yes.
171
00:06:54,319 --> 00:06:56,519
So I take it by the cat, you're single?
172
00:07:00,290 --> 00:07:01,390
Big time.
173
00:07:01,392 --> 00:07:03,960
So, do you and Dickens live alone?
174
00:07:03,962 --> 00:07:06,262
Oh no, she's trying to flirt.
175
00:07:06,264 --> 00:07:07,630
I travel a lot for work.
176
00:07:07,632 --> 00:07:08,731
I'm a venture capitalist.
177
00:07:08,733 --> 00:07:09,732
So you know how it is.
178
00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:10,800
Oh, I do. I absolutely do.
179
00:07:10,802 --> 00:07:12,235
- I...
- Here it comes.
180
00:07:12,237 --> 00:07:14,370
- Went to Wharton.
- Boom.
181
00:07:14,372 --> 00:07:16,653
Well, if she gets lost again,
you know where to find her.
182
00:07:16,654 --> 00:07:18,174
She's been hanging around
outside our window
183
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:19,575
every day for the last couple of months.
184
00:07:19,577 --> 00:07:21,544
So I let her in. I hope that's okay.
185
00:07:21,546 --> 00:07:24,480
Is that okay? It's awesome.
186
00:07:24,482 --> 00:07:26,715
I hope your girlfriend didn't mind.
187
00:07:26,717 --> 00:07:27,783
We just broke up.
188
00:07:27,785 --> 00:07:28,884
So I'm single.
189
00:07:28,886 --> 00:07:30,052
And I better get going.
190
00:07:30,054 --> 00:07:31,054
I've got a 10:00 meeting.
191
00:07:31,055 --> 00:07:32,054
Max, give the man his case.
192
00:07:32,056 --> 00:07:34,523
He has a 10:00 meeting.
193
00:07:34,525 --> 00:07:36,225
She doesn't want to get
out of cushy this thing.
194
00:07:36,227 --> 00:07:37,546
I totally get it.
195
00:07:37,547 --> 00:07:38,961
I had to be dragged out
of that massage chair
196
00:07:38,963 --> 00:07:41,263
at Brookstone by mall security.
197
00:07:41,265 --> 00:07:43,032
Well, here's my card, just give me a call
198
00:07:43,034 --> 00:07:44,300
when you want me to pick up the case.
199
00:07:44,302 --> 00:07:47,236
You have a card?
200
00:07:47,238 --> 00:07:49,938
A card, a meeting, a suit, a joke?
201
00:07:49,940 --> 00:07:53,275
Are you the next bachelor?
202
00:07:53,277 --> 00:07:55,311
Well, thank you, Owen Charles Boyd,
203
00:07:55,313 --> 00:07:57,079
for bringing back our beloved...
204
00:07:57,081 --> 00:07:58,647
- Her name's Nancy!
- I know her name.
205
00:07:58,649 --> 00:08:01,617
Why do I have to say it so fast?
206
00:08:01,619 --> 00:08:05,087
She's joking, she's just
not as funny as you.
207
00:08:05,089 --> 00:08:06,455
Well, it was nice to meet you.
208
00:08:06,457 --> 00:08:08,323
Bye, Nancy.
209
00:08:08,325 --> 00:08:09,491
Okay.
210
00:08:15,298 --> 00:08:16,665
Yes, I was flirting.
211
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:18,267
But I was doing it for our business.
212
00:08:18,269 --> 00:08:21,503
You should really be doing
it for your business.
213
00:08:21,505 --> 00:08:24,339
'Cause your business is
going out of business.
214
00:08:24,341 --> 00:08:25,640
He has a card.
215
00:08:25,642 --> 00:08:28,010
And it's not for medical marijuana.
216
00:08:28,012 --> 00:08:29,177
He's a venture capitalist.
217
00:08:29,179 --> 00:08:30,278
That's the kind of fat cat
218
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:32,147
that can help us get back on our feet.
219
00:08:32,149 --> 00:08:33,715
Speaking of fat cats,
Nancy's looking like
220
00:08:33,717 --> 00:08:36,918
she might need to give Jenny a call.
221
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:38,286
Hey, girls.
222
00:08:38,288 --> 00:08:41,456
Oh, you found Nancy.
223
00:08:41,458 --> 00:08:45,060
I knew she'd come back pregnant.
224
00:08:45,062 --> 00:08:46,695
Wait, Sophie, how can
you tell she's pregnant
225
00:08:46,697 --> 00:08:50,332
and just not fighting the same
battle Jonah Hill is fighting?
226
00:08:50,334 --> 00:08:54,035
Well, her fur is thicker, she's
got a little sparkle in her eye,
227
00:08:54,037 --> 00:08:56,871
and there's a little kitten head
about to pop out of her patoot.
228
00:09:05,553 --> 00:09:08,155
[Nancy meowing]
229
00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:11,183
Come on. Push, Nancy.
230
00:09:11,185 --> 00:09:12,918
Come on, we all know what you did.
231
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:16,126
Now is not the time to be shy.
232
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:18,724
You do know what you're
doing, right, Sophie?
233
00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:20,126
This isn't like the time you told us
234
00:09:20,127 --> 00:09:23,595
you could do your own
bikini wax with a candle?
235
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:27,132
'Cause I still have the
vanilla-scented scars from that.
236
00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:28,801
Don't worry.
237
00:09:28,803 --> 00:09:31,503
In my village, all the Kuchenskis women
238
00:09:31,505 --> 00:09:33,172
acted as animal midwives.
239
00:09:33,174 --> 00:09:35,808
It was the best way to meet guys.
240
00:09:35,810 --> 00:09:37,443
Strap in, girls.
241
00:09:37,445 --> 00:09:40,479
- [Nancy meowing]
- Ah! She's crowning!
242
00:09:40,481 --> 00:09:42,114
I can't believe it.
243
00:09:42,116 --> 00:09:44,483
I thought Nancy was smarter than this.
244
00:09:44,485 --> 00:09:46,131
But it turns out she's just
like the rest of the women
245
00:09:46,132 --> 00:09:47,219
in my family.
246
00:09:47,221 --> 00:09:50,858
Screwed by some stranger
she met in the dumpster.
247
00:09:51,292 --> 00:09:53,925
Okay, here we go.
248
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,293
[Nancy meowing]
249
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:58,780
Oh, there goes my ring.
250
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,734
I... sorry, Nancy.
251
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:04,402
(Sophie) Oh, here we go!
252
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:09,007
Come on, girls, I need some
hot water and fresh towels.
253
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:10,942
We do, too. For, like, four years.
254
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,811
Uh...
255
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,112
how about some of these T-shirts?
256
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,014
Oh, sure why not use those?
257
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:17,415
They used to be our bright future.
258
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:20,937
Now just a ShamWow
for illegitimate cats.
259
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:24,055
[Nancy meowing]
260
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,957
Oh, my God, that must be the sound
261
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:29,561
of a surrendering cat uterus.
262
00:10:29,563 --> 00:10:31,238
Well, it's the first time
a uterus has surrendered
263
00:10:31,239 --> 00:10:33,393
in that bed in a while.
264
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,335
[kittens meowing]
265
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,003
I don't know why I'm not throwing up.
266
00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:42,907
Oh, wait. I'm starting to.
267
00:10:42,909 --> 00:10:44,375
[kittens continue meowing]
268
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:48,113
Well, I'm off Korean dumplings for life.
269
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:50,815
This one... this one won't come out.
270
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:54,118
It's like the Queen Latifah of kittens.
271
00:10:57,356 --> 00:11:01,926
Sophie, I got your text that
you were in bed with Nancy.
272
00:11:01,928 --> 00:11:03,294
Who is this Nancy,
273
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:06,864
and when did we go back
to doing three-ways?
274
00:11:06,866 --> 00:11:09,300
Nancy's a cat.
275
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:11,335
Mm, that's a no.
276
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:14,038
I've got to draw the line somewhere.
277
00:11:19,545 --> 00:11:22,413
Well, I heard the news.
278
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:26,951
Looks like you two are
grandmothers before you're 30.
279
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:30,821
Can't say I'm surprised.
280
00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:32,757
Okay, before you even ask,
281
00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:35,259
I don't pay for cat maternity leave.
282
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:38,396
This isn't Google.
283
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:41,763
This isn't even Ask Jeeves, Han.
284
00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:45,803
Well, I can help you get
the kittens good homes.
285
00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:48,239
The people in my building are very nice.
286
00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:51,709
Except if you don't recycle one
bottle of sparkling cider,
287
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,512
then nobody talks to
you in the elevator.
288
00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:56,714
Han, we're not giving the kittens away.
289
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,582
Nancy landed herself a rich cat,
290
00:11:58,584 --> 00:12:02,186
we're gonna be living off
a hefty kitty support.
291
00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:03,987
Only you two would be desperate enough
292
00:12:03,989 --> 00:12:06,522
to try and find a sugar catty.
293
00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:09,726
So has Owen called you back yet?
294
00:12:09,728 --> 00:12:11,595
Um, we're trading.
295
00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:12,963
"We're trading"?
296
00:12:12,965 --> 00:12:14,832
"We're trading" is
lonely white girl talk
297
00:12:14,834 --> 00:12:17,101
for "he hasn't called me back."
298
00:12:17,103 --> 00:12:19,336
I can't believe this.
He's a deadbeat dad.
299
00:12:19,338 --> 00:12:21,205
Max, he's just busy.
300
00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:23,073
And I think you might
be projecting a little
301
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,274
because of your dad.
302
00:12:24,276 --> 00:12:25,576
Not that I'm a therapist.
303
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,678
I mean, I can't even afford a couch.
304
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,146
I'm not projecting.
305
00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:32,849
I just know a deadbeat dad
when I don't see one!
306
00:12:32,851 --> 00:12:33,884
Where's his card?
307
00:12:33,886 --> 00:12:35,218
I don't remember where I...
308
00:12:35,220 --> 00:12:37,554
[gasps] Max, let go! I've got this.
309
00:12:37,556 --> 00:12:39,322
That guy can really help
us with our business.
310
00:12:39,324 --> 00:12:41,258
Please, let me handle this.
311
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,225
Look, Ryan Gosling.
312
00:12:42,227 --> 00:12:44,694
[gasps]
313
00:12:44,696 --> 00:12:45,862
- I got this.
- I got this.
314
00:12:45,864 --> 00:12:47,330
- I got this.
- I got this.
315
00:12:47,332 --> 00:12:49,588
Keep going, girls, I'm almost there.
316
00:12:51,503 --> 00:12:52,736
I got this, Max.
317
00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:54,571
And when he comes to
get the cat carrier,
318
00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:55,605
I'll talk to him.
319
00:12:55,607 --> 00:12:56,973
You're way too emotional.
320
00:12:56,975 --> 00:12:59,535
You just went to third
base with my apron.
321
00:13:05,116 --> 00:13:06,716
Sitting on this stoop is nice.
322
00:13:06,718 --> 00:13:08,551
How come we never sit out here?
323
00:13:08,553 --> 00:13:09,719
[gunshots ringing]
324
00:13:09,721 --> 00:13:12,122
[woman shrieking]
325
00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:14,257
There it is.
326
00:13:14,259 --> 00:13:16,819
Oh, please, it's just Rico.
327
00:13:19,530 --> 00:13:22,899
Rico looks good. I think
he got another tattoo.
328
00:13:22,901 --> 00:13:25,768
Look, when Owen gets here,
should we still be alive,
329
00:13:25,770 --> 00:13:27,170
please let me do the talking.
330
00:13:27,172 --> 00:13:29,806
Kittens aside, Owen can help us.
331
00:13:29,808 --> 00:13:31,541
A venture capitalist buys companies
332
00:13:31,543 --> 00:13:32,842
and turns them around.
333
00:13:32,844 --> 00:13:35,311
Yeah, I've seen Pretty Woman.
334
00:13:35,313 --> 00:13:37,980
That's how I realized I
wasn't charging enough.
335
00:13:37,982 --> 00:13:39,749
Go, Max, here he comes.
336
00:13:39,751 --> 00:13:42,585
All right, but I'll be watching
inside from the window.
337
00:13:42,587 --> 00:13:44,203
It's probably better, because
I don't trust Nancy alone
338
00:13:44,204 --> 00:13:44,954
with those kittens.
339
00:13:44,956 --> 00:13:46,589
She's got some serious postpartum.
340
00:13:46,591 --> 00:13:48,591
When I left the room, she
was lighting a Menthol 100
341
00:13:48,593 --> 00:13:50,676
with a shaky paw.
342
00:13:52,397 --> 00:13:53,763
Hi.
343
00:13:53,765 --> 00:13:55,965
Crazy we live walking
distance from each other.
344
00:13:55,967 --> 00:13:57,633
We don't. The Uber driver
345
00:13:57,635 --> 00:13:59,936
wouldn't go past the fire
hydrant on the corner.
346
00:13:59,938 --> 00:14:01,662
The one with the bloody
shoe hanging from it?
347
00:14:01,663 --> 00:14:02,972
That's the one.
348
00:14:02,974 --> 00:14:04,941
[woman screaming]
349
00:14:04,943 --> 00:14:06,976
You know what? I'm just
gonna take the cat carrier.
350
00:14:06,978 --> 00:14:08,232
Before you go...
351
00:14:10,948 --> 00:14:12,882
we have this small cupcake company
352
00:14:12,884 --> 00:14:14,550
that's just begging to be an empire,
353
00:14:14,552 --> 00:14:17,586
and I wanted to pick your brain
about some business stuff.
354
00:14:23,126 --> 00:14:25,928
Okay, so your Dickens
got our cat pregnant,
355
00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:28,264
and she just had five kittens.
356
00:14:28,266 --> 00:14:29,999
And at her age, it's a miracle
we didn't have to pay
357
00:14:30,001 --> 00:14:31,700
for in vitro.
358
00:14:31,702 --> 00:14:33,202
How do you know they are Dickens's?
359
00:14:33,204 --> 00:14:34,770
I'm not saying that Nancy's easy,
360
00:14:34,772 --> 00:14:36,071
it's just, I've seen her go in and out
361
00:14:36,073 --> 00:14:39,275
of a lot of windows.
362
00:14:39,277 --> 00:14:42,344
[police sirens blaring in the distance]
363
00:14:42,346 --> 00:14:44,279
Did he just drop a gun?
364
00:14:44,281 --> 00:14:46,515
It's fine. He has more.
365
00:14:46,517 --> 00:14:48,117
Okay, call my assistant,
you can pick my brain.
366
00:14:48,119 --> 00:14:51,820
I just don't want it
to be off the sidewalk.
367
00:14:51,822 --> 00:14:53,389
Really, I got to go. I can't get killed.
368
00:14:53,391 --> 00:14:56,191
I'm wearing new suede loafers.
369
00:14:56,193 --> 00:14:58,760
Uber, an assistant, and suede loafers?
370
00:14:58,762 --> 00:15:00,062
Are you for real?
371
00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:09,475
I hope I'm not intruding.
372
00:15:09,477 --> 00:15:10,676
No, come in.
373
00:15:10,678 --> 00:15:12,244
I was just brushing my new loafers.
374
00:15:12,246 --> 00:15:14,480
I bought them as a
break-up gift for myself.
375
00:15:14,482 --> 00:15:17,788
But unlike my ex-girlfriend,
these have a sole.
376
00:15:18,419 --> 00:15:21,086
I didn't wanna mention the cat
situation to your assistant.
377
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,055
Next thing you know, it's
all over the lunch room:
378
00:15:23,057 --> 00:15:26,913
Owen Charles Boyd's cat is a raw-dogger.
379
00:15:28,796 --> 00:15:29,962
Said it was an accident.
380
00:15:29,964 --> 00:15:31,129
Didn't feel like one.
381
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,998
One shoe yes, but both?
382
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,133
Highly unlikely.
383
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:38,470
Owen, sometimes in life, it's
not just an innocent cat
384
00:15:38,472 --> 00:15:39,771
that gets screwed.
385
00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:43,008
A girl can get screwed as well.
386
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:45,218
Oh, hey, hi. What's happening?
387
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:49,481
As in, screwed by one
bad business decision.
388
00:15:49,483 --> 00:15:51,616
My partner, Max, and I recently invested
389
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:55,720
all our savings in...
well, here, take a look.
390
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,155
- [gasps]
- Oh, my coffee!
391
00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:58,323
- Oh.
- My loafer!
392
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,926
My coffee's on my loafer!
393
00:16:00,928 --> 00:16:02,961
Here, let me.
394
00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:04,129
No, you dab. You don't wipe suede.
395
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:05,297
You dab.
396
00:16:05,299 --> 00:16:07,132
Dab. Dab. I'm sorry.
397
00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:08,266
I used to know that.
398
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:10,568
That's Rich 101.
399
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:11,936
Let me just go find some water
400
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:15,273
and I'll dab, not wipe, this out.
401
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:16,808
We're not done yet. I'm going back in.
402
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:18,068
It's going really well though.
403
00:16:18,069 --> 00:16:20,078
Where's water?
404
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,014
Do you know how to unsend an email?
405
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:26,116
If I did, my rich ex-boyfriend
would've never found out
406
00:16:26,117 --> 00:16:27,252
what I thought of his lisp
407
00:16:27,254 --> 00:16:30,288
and I'd be living in the
"thouth of Franth" right now.
408
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:32,557
[elevator bell dings]
409
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:33,825
Where is he?
410
00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:36,561
He needs to see these adorable bastards.
411
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,129
Max, how did you find me here?
412
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:40,098
I told you I was going
on a "think walk."
413
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:42,166
I followed you.
414
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:44,043
I never noticed how much
you check yourself out
415
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:46,537
in store windows. You have a problem.
416
00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:48,573
Do either of you know a
way to turn the phrase,
417
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:52,758
"self-absorbed, ridiculous pig"
into a compliment?
418
00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:55,913
If I did, I'd still be
on The Apprentice.
419
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,148
Owen's going to see that email
420
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,483
and I'm going to get fired.
421
00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:01,838
I have to start paying
attention to details.
422
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,354
I'm just gonna go back in.
423
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,690
What? I don't care.
424
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:06,757
Not without me you're not.
425
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:08,619
Max, please, let me handle this.
426
00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:09,627
I'm begging you.
427
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:12,730
We're getting close, look,
I'm holding his shoe.
428
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,298
If he doesn't step up here,
429
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:15,766
these kittens will feel neglected,
430
00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,268
and it is only a matter of time
431
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:19,136
till they are waitressing or worse.
432
00:17:19,138 --> 00:17:20,771
Max, you're wrong.
433
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:23,507
There's nothing worse than waitressing.
434
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:24,909
Max, stop!
435
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:25,876
You'll ruin everything.
436
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:27,578
I can fix this and us.
437
00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:29,880
We are beyond help.
438
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,448
It's all about these kittens.
439
00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:32,816
- Now move, I got this.
- No, I got this.
440
00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:33,951
- I got this.
- I got this.
441
00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:36,020
- I...
- [gasps]
442
00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:37,588
Oh, my God.
443
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:38,589
What the hell is happening?
444
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,524
[kittens meowing]
445
00:17:40,526 --> 00:17:44,628
That's right. I came to your
office with a basket of cats.
446
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,397
Max, I'm so sorry.
447
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,932
Yeah, well, he's the one
who should be sorry.
448
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:53,604
I want you to look these
kittens in the whiskers
449
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:56,840
and tell them that Dickens
is not their father.
450
00:17:56,842 --> 00:17:58,598
What makes you think they're mine. Why?
451
00:17:58,599 --> 00:18:01,044
Because they look just like Dickens
452
00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:03,847
when he was a tiny baby kitten.
453
00:18:03,849 --> 00:18:05,882
Oh, and this one's even cuter.
454
00:18:05,884 --> 00:18:07,084
And that one.
455
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,785
I'll take them all.
456
00:18:08,787 --> 00:18:10,574
But not that one. Seems a little off.
457
00:18:10,575 --> 00:18:12,789
Not quite as alert as the others.
458
00:18:12,791 --> 00:18:16,026
Oh, she's not good enough for you?
459
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:17,928
- Max. Projecting.
- I'm not projecting.
460
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,588
He said she's not good enough for him.
461
00:18:19,589 --> 00:18:20,664
What?
462
00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:23,934
Just because she was unplanned
and not good at math?
463
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,403
Developed boobs way too early?
464
00:18:26,405 --> 00:18:27,771
Okay, fine. I'm projecting.
465
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,039
What is going on?
466
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,407
Caroline, are we gonna hook up or what?
467
00:18:30,409 --> 00:18:33,143
This is, like the
weirdest foreplay ever.
468
00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:35,645
Hook up? What would make you
think I want to hook up?
469
00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:38,148
Oh, because I business flirted?
470
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:39,716
That's Wharton 101.
471
00:18:39,718 --> 00:18:41,584
It was more than business flirting.
472
00:18:41,586 --> 00:18:42,786
You begged to come to my office,
473
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:45,188
show up wearing a see-through shirt.
474
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:46,323
That was not by choice.
475
00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:48,191
It is cheaply made.
476
00:18:48,193 --> 00:18:49,926
I came here to talk to you
about our business,
477
00:18:49,928 --> 00:18:52,762
and possibly get you to invest
in a small, but spirited...
478
00:18:52,764 --> 00:18:55,565
Invest? This is the financial
capital of the world.
479
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:57,634
[baby talk] Yes, it is.
480
00:18:57,636 --> 00:19:00,436
Why would I invest in a
desperate little cupcake shop?
481
00:19:00,438 --> 00:19:04,574
(both) You!
482
00:19:04,576 --> 00:19:05,809
That's it!
483
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,210
No cats for you.
484
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:08,578
(Caroline) You know what?
485
00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:10,847
You are a self-absorbed, ridiculous pig.
486
00:19:10,849 --> 00:19:11,914
Says you.
487
00:19:11,916 --> 00:19:12,982
And your assistant.
488
00:19:12,984 --> 00:19:15,310
Check your email.
489
00:19:16,554 --> 00:19:18,254
I was able to unsend it.
490
00:19:18,256 --> 00:19:20,590
Yay!
491
00:19:20,592 --> 00:19:24,894
Yeah, might want to re-ignite
that LinkedIn profile.
492
00:19:24,896 --> 00:19:26,863
You're gonna be home a lot
more, you want a cat?
493
00:19:26,865 --> 00:19:28,625
- [gasps]
[kittens meowing]
494
00:19:33,737 --> 00:19:35,271
Thanks for taking the kittens, Han.
495
00:19:35,273 --> 00:19:36,639
I feel like you have an understanding
496
00:19:36,641 --> 00:19:39,942
of small creatures, being one yourself.
497
00:19:39,944 --> 00:19:42,912
Have no fear, my building
is loaded with lesbians.
498
00:19:42,914 --> 00:19:44,280
They take home rescue cats
499
00:19:44,282 --> 00:19:47,183
faster than they take
home other lesbians.
500
00:19:47,185 --> 00:19:49,285
Okay, let's discuss my terms.
501
00:19:49,287 --> 00:19:50,786
Unlike all my non-animal children,
502
00:19:50,788 --> 00:19:53,189
I want to know they're taken care of.
503
00:19:53,191 --> 00:19:55,891
What part of lesbian
don't you understand?
504
00:19:55,893 --> 00:19:59,128
They'll be swaddled in
a flannel shirt by nightfall.
505
00:19:59,130 --> 00:20:02,198
Okay, now this one, I call Junkie.
506
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,567
'Cause he's got a
serious Catnip problem.
507
00:20:04,569 --> 00:20:07,036
Oh, so you raised a drug
addict within a week.
508
00:20:07,038 --> 00:20:08,571
Sounds about right.
509
00:20:08,573 --> 00:20:10,506
These two should try and stay together.
510
00:20:10,508 --> 00:20:13,275
We call them Game of Thrones One
511
00:20:13,277 --> 00:20:14,810
and Game of Thrones Two.
512
00:20:14,812 --> 00:20:17,819
'Cause they're siblings and lovers.
513
00:20:18,115 --> 00:20:19,481
This one's the boy.
514
00:20:19,483 --> 00:20:23,025
Watch him and learn
what humping looks like.
515
00:20:24,188 --> 00:20:25,754
This one's pretty bland.
516
00:20:25,756 --> 00:20:27,623
She lays around, doesn't meow much,
517
00:20:27,625 --> 00:20:30,392
and when she does, she's
kind of phoning it in.
518
00:20:30,394 --> 00:20:32,361
We call her Amy Adams.
519
00:20:32,363 --> 00:20:33,543
Yep.
520
00:20:33,637 --> 00:20:36,238
This last one gets special attention.
521
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:38,540
She's the smallest, but
she's got potential.
522
00:20:38,542 --> 00:20:41,243
I mean, look at those nipples.
523
00:20:41,245 --> 00:20:44,646
And now the nipples are all I see.
524
00:20:44,648 --> 00:20:45,781
Have a nice life.
525
00:20:45,783 --> 00:20:47,316
I'll find you on Instagram.
526
00:20:47,318 --> 00:20:48,317
Check out Grumpy Cat.
527
00:20:48,319 --> 00:20:49,318
Do what he does.
528
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:50,719
Well, bye, kitties.
529
00:20:50,721 --> 00:20:54,089
And remember, stripping isn't dancing.
530
00:20:54,091 --> 00:20:58,126
And now all I can see is
them wearing pasties.
531
00:20:58,128 --> 00:20:59,761
You know what, Max?
532
00:20:59,763 --> 00:21:01,496
We don't need that rich
guy to fix our business.
533
00:21:01,498 --> 00:21:03,465
We can do it ourselves.
534
00:21:03,467 --> 00:21:05,133
Who am I kidding?
Our business is in worse shape
535
00:21:05,135 --> 00:21:07,936
than two retired guys in a golf cart.
536
00:21:07,938 --> 00:21:09,504
Well, you know what we'd better fix?
537
00:21:09,506 --> 00:21:11,006
Nancy.
538
00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:12,608
'Cause he was right, she's a slut.
539
00:21:12,610 --> 00:21:16,812
Someone just found her
69-ing a tabby in the alley.
540
00:21:16,814 --> 00:21:18,981
[cash register bell dings]
541
00:21:19,719 --> 00:21:27,372
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