1
00:00:02,275 --> 00:00:03,564
Excuse me, ma'am?
2
00:00:03,565 --> 00:00:04,944
Ma'am?
3
00:00:04,945 --> 00:00:06,524
Well, it happened.
4
00:00:06,525 --> 00:00:08,984
I'm gonna hit a kid.
5
00:00:08,985 --> 00:00:10,694
Would you like to
support my baseball league
6
00:00:10,695 --> 00:00:11,984
for underprivileged youth?
7
00:00:11,985 --> 00:00:13,564
I don't see an underprivileged youth.
8
00:00:13,565 --> 00:00:15,665
I see a young me trying to scam an old me.
9
00:00:16,565 --> 00:00:17,894
Sir?
10
00:00:17,895 --> 00:00:21,295
I'm sorry, I have diabetes.
11
00:00:22,525 --> 00:00:25,194
And I'm not stupid.
12
00:00:25,195 --> 00:00:27,375
Move it along.
13
00:00:28,275 --> 00:00:29,564
It's not a scam!
14
00:00:29,565 --> 00:00:30,734
My friends and I just want to place
15
00:00:30,735 --> 00:00:32,564
to play baseball after school
16
00:00:32,565 --> 00:00:35,654
so we're not hanging on
the streets like rap people.
17
00:00:35,655 --> 00:00:38,524
Kid, I started the candy scam.
18
00:00:38,525 --> 00:00:41,984
I raised $500 for a
homeless bowling league,
19
00:00:41,985 --> 00:00:44,984
AKA pot.
20
00:00:44,985 --> 00:00:46,354
Catch this, Mr. Baseball.
21
00:00:46,355 --> 00:00:48,484
Not the face!
22
00:00:48,485 --> 00:00:50,854
I think I know which team you play on,
23
00:00:50,855 --> 00:00:53,604
and it ain't baseball.
24
00:00:56,855 --> 00:01:02,419
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
25
00:01:09,885 --> 00:01:12,394
You still shopping on your phone
for things you can't afford?
26
00:01:12,395 --> 00:01:15,104
Who are you? Everyone in America?
27
00:01:15,105 --> 00:01:17,434
I just add things to my
cart without buying them.
28
00:01:17,435 --> 00:01:20,894
Why not buy one Apple watch
when I can not buy two?
29
00:01:20,895 --> 00:01:22,724
It's called dry shopping.
30
00:01:22,725 --> 00:01:26,104
So it's like dry humping,
but you don't get anything?
31
00:01:26,105 --> 00:01:28,104
I'm sorry, Max,
32
00:01:28,105 --> 00:01:30,474
but tomorrow's the anniversary
of when I lost my money
33
00:01:30,475 --> 00:01:32,724
and my peaches-and-cream complexion.
34
00:01:32,725 --> 00:01:35,354
Not my words; "Seventeen" magazine's.
35
00:01:35,355 --> 00:01:36,934
I need a fantasy life.
36
00:01:36,935 --> 00:01:39,314
I mean, I just thought you
were over all that junk.
37
00:01:39,315 --> 00:01:41,394
You thought I was "over" losing $5 billion
38
00:01:41,395 --> 00:01:42,684
and my whole life?
39
00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:43,685
Oh.
40
00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:44,724
I guess I was just over you
41
00:01:44,725 --> 00:01:46,604
talking about it all the time.
42
00:01:46,605 --> 00:01:48,684
You need to let go of your past.
43
00:01:48,685 --> 00:01:52,365
Pickup! Turkey burger... ish.
44
00:01:54,725 --> 00:01:58,514
If you weren't so busy not buying a...
45
00:01:58,515 --> 00:02:02,724
three-bedroom townhouse
on the Upper East Side,
46
00:02:02,725 --> 00:02:06,014
you would've noticed that Mr.
Turkey Burger at table ten's
47
00:02:06,015 --> 00:02:08,184
been checking out your buns.
48
00:02:08,185 --> 00:02:10,575
He is not. He is?
49
00:02:12,975 --> 00:02:15,184
Get in there.
50
00:02:15,185 --> 00:02:16,724
Sex is still free...
51
00:02:18,015 --> 00:02:19,575
For women.
52
00:02:21,185 --> 00:02:22,894
Fine, I'll go over there,
53
00:02:22,895 --> 00:02:24,314
but this better not be a prank,
54
00:02:24,315 --> 00:02:26,514
like when you told me Bette
Midler was at table three
55
00:02:26,515 --> 00:02:29,224
and really wanted to meet me.
56
00:02:29,225 --> 00:02:31,394
It was just some old Jewish lady,
57
00:02:31,395 --> 00:02:33,604
and she was mean.
58
00:02:33,605 --> 00:02:35,705
That was Bette Midler!
59
00:02:38,435 --> 00:02:40,013
Here's your turkey burger.
60
00:02:40,014 --> 00:02:41,314
My friend thinks you're flirting with me,
61
00:02:41,315 --> 00:02:42,434
and you're obviously not,
62
00:02:42,435 --> 00:02:43,894
so if you could just tell her you're not,
63
00:02:43,895 --> 00:02:44,895
that'd be great.
64
00:02:44,896 --> 00:02:45,562
Okay.
65
00:02:45,563 --> 00:02:47,684
I will tell her I am
not flirting with you...
66
00:02:47,685 --> 00:02:48,974
on one condition.
67
00:02:48,975 --> 00:02:50,434
You go see a show with me tomorrow.
68
00:02:50,435 --> 00:02:53,684
I feel tricked.
69
00:02:53,685 --> 00:02:55,514
So... is that a yes?
70
00:02:55,515 --> 00:02:56,764
I hope so,
71
00:02:56,765 --> 00:02:59,144
because I already wrote down my number.
72
00:02:59,145 --> 00:03:01,554
Um... yeah, sure.
73
00:03:01,555 --> 00:03:03,474
I mean, if it's already written down,
74
00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:05,075
I guess I have to go.
75
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,354
I can't believe I didn't
notice he was flirting.
76
00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:10,894
What's wrong with me?
77
00:03:10,895 --> 00:03:12,655
Let me get my list.
78
00:03:13,975 --> 00:03:15,365
Hi, everybody!
79
00:03:17,355 --> 00:03:18,894
Good news!
80
00:03:18,895 --> 00:03:21,014
Oleg and I are getting a surrogate
81
00:03:21,015 --> 00:03:23,264
to carry our baby.
82
00:03:23,265 --> 00:03:25,814
Yeah, doing it the other
way was taking longer
83
00:03:25,815 --> 00:03:29,745
than my stuttering uncle did
to finish his s-s-s-sentence.
84
00:03:31,435 --> 00:03:32,894
Sophie, I hope you're not thinking of me
85
00:03:32,895 --> 00:03:33,895
to be your surrogate.
86
00:03:33,896 --> 00:03:35,314
Just keep in mind,
87
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:37,474
you won't even let me carry your purse.
88
00:03:37,475 --> 00:03:41,575
You think I'd hire a
surrogate that's older than me?
89
00:03:43,435 --> 00:03:44,764
Come on. No.
90
00:03:44,765 --> 00:03:46,314
Max is helping me interview people
91
00:03:46,315 --> 00:03:47,894
this week in my booth.
92
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,554
This is so exciting.
93
00:03:49,555 --> 00:03:52,264
I wish I got to pick
the person I grew inside.
94
00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:54,474
My mom drank so much during her pregnancy,
95
00:03:54,475 --> 00:03:55,814
I was born wearing a shirt that says,
96
00:03:55,815 --> 00:03:58,054
"It's 5:00 somewhere."
97
00:04:04,435 --> 00:04:07,035
Can we all just admit vaping is smoking?
98
00:04:08,935 --> 00:04:11,554
Anyway, I'm on the list
for whatever this is.
99
00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:12,934
Channing, Caroline.
100
00:04:12,935 --> 00:04:15,144
There you are. The show's $20.
101
00:04:15,145 --> 00:04:17,314
My date put me on the list.
102
00:04:17,315 --> 00:04:18,354
I'm sure he paid for me.
103
00:04:18,355 --> 00:04:21,644
He kind of pursued me pretty hard.
104
00:04:21,645 --> 00:04:23,934
It is, again, a date.
105
00:04:23,935 --> 00:04:27,474
Well, then you're dating a loser...
106
00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:30,264
and you owe me 20 bucks.
107
00:04:30,265 --> 00:04:33,104
What am I spending my
last $20 on right now?
108
00:04:33,105 --> 00:04:34,644
It's a storytelling show.
109
00:04:34,645 --> 00:04:36,314
People telling their personal stories.
110
00:04:36,315 --> 00:04:38,894
It's basically a fun way to find out
111
00:04:38,895 --> 00:04:40,644
which one of your friends had a stepfather
112
00:04:40,645 --> 00:04:43,764
that was so mean.
113
00:04:43,765 --> 00:04:47,474
In lieu of cash, would you accept a tampon?
114
00:04:47,475 --> 00:04:50,514
I have light, regular, super.
115
00:04:50,515 --> 00:04:53,104
Everything you don't feel on your period.
116
00:04:54,315 --> 00:04:56,655
There is nothing funny about my cramps.
117
00:04:58,855 --> 00:05:02,764
I don't get out of bed three days a month.
118
00:05:02,765 --> 00:05:05,354
I'll go call a friend.
119
00:05:14,512 --> 00:05:16,341
So by now I was in high school.
120
00:05:16,342 --> 00:05:19,171
But just when I thought
I'd escaped my bullies,
121
00:05:19,172 --> 00:05:23,091
I met the worst one yet: puberty.
122
00:05:23,092 --> 00:05:26,551
Oh, god.
123
00:05:26,552 --> 00:05:28,421
Thanks for bringing the $20, Max,
124
00:05:28,422 --> 00:05:30,631
and sorry you had to spend another $20.
125
00:05:30,632 --> 00:05:32,801
It figures, on the anniversary
of my father stealing money,
126
00:05:32,802 --> 00:05:35,551
I get ripped off by another guy.
127
00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:38,381
Well, I'm getting that $40 back.
128
00:05:38,382 --> 00:05:42,112
I spent more money
tonight than I did in 2013.
129
00:05:43,012 --> 00:05:44,631
It was a high school dance,
130
00:05:44,632 --> 00:05:47,801
and Rachel Mooney, a popular girl,
131
00:05:47,802 --> 00:05:50,551
pulled down my pants.
132
00:05:50,552 --> 00:05:51,591
That's right.
133
00:05:51,592 --> 00:05:53,801
I got dance-pantsed.
134
00:05:53,802 --> 00:05:56,511
Oh, this guy just went from Tom Cruise
135
00:05:56,512 --> 00:05:59,211
to Tom Snooze.
136
00:05:59,212 --> 00:06:00,751
In the end, what I learned
137
00:06:00,752 --> 00:06:04,091
is that I'm the painter of my life,
138
00:06:04,092 --> 00:06:07,671
and I can paint out
what I don't want to see.
139
00:06:07,672 --> 00:06:09,461
My brushes are mine.
140
00:06:09,462 --> 00:06:12,652
My strokes are mine.
141
00:06:14,012 --> 00:06:16,402
Guess what's not getting stroked tonight.
142
00:06:18,882 --> 00:06:22,171
Old Adam's paintbrush.
143
00:06:26,592 --> 00:06:28,801
That's got to be sarcastic
applauding, right?
144
00:06:28,802 --> 00:06:30,671
'Cause I feel like I
heard, like, a question mark
145
00:06:30,672 --> 00:06:32,591
at the end of the clap.
146
00:06:32,592 --> 00:06:35,051
Thank you, Adam August.
147
00:06:35,052 --> 00:06:36,591
That is the end of our show.
148
00:06:36,592 --> 00:06:38,171
I'd like to thank all of our performers.
149
00:06:38,172 --> 00:06:43,562
You live the stories that we live to hear.
150
00:06:44,462 --> 00:06:45,801
Hey, Caroline.
151
00:06:45,802 --> 00:06:49,562
I know, that was pretty real.
152
00:06:50,552 --> 00:06:53,051
It was real long.
153
00:06:53,052 --> 00:06:54,591
So where are we going for dinner?
154
00:06:54,592 --> 00:06:56,631
Your treat, and she's coming.
155
00:06:56,632 --> 00:07:00,511
Actually, I'm pretty spent emotionally.
156
00:07:00,512 --> 00:07:04,692
Well, we're spent forty-dollars-ally.
157
00:07:05,752 --> 00:07:07,551
It's just one of those nights where...
158
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:09,402
you leave it all on the stage.
159
00:07:10,552 --> 00:07:14,251
You happen to leave a
couple twenties up there?
160
00:07:14,252 --> 00:07:16,171
Let... let me get something straight.
161
00:07:16,172 --> 00:07:19,511
You gave all of yourself
talking about a couple bullies?
162
00:07:19,512 --> 00:07:21,881
That's not a rough life.
You know that, right?
163
00:07:21,882 --> 00:07:24,881
Well, I know I'm entitled to my truths
164
00:07:24,882 --> 00:07:27,711
and how my truths make me feel.
165
00:07:27,712 --> 00:07:31,251
Yeah, but it's not like
you lost a billion dollars
166
00:07:31,252 --> 00:07:33,921
and your father went to prison
and you had to move in with me.
167
00:07:33,922 --> 00:07:37,841
And I am a way bigger
bully than Rachel Mooney.
168
00:07:37,842 --> 00:07:40,631
Caroline has a rough story.
169
00:07:40,632 --> 00:07:43,961
Again, we can't compare our truths.
170
00:07:43,962 --> 00:07:46,881
I'm sorry, but did all
that really happen to you?
171
00:07:46,882 --> 00:07:48,381
You lost billions?
172
00:07:48,382 --> 00:07:50,301
Five years ago today, in fact.
173
00:07:50,302 --> 00:07:54,131
And with what I lost
tonight, $5 billion, $40.
174
00:07:54,132 --> 00:07:55,511
Well, have you ever considered
175
00:07:55,512 --> 00:07:57,751
telling your story in a safe space?
176
00:07:57,752 --> 00:08:00,211
You mean one of those locations
where you can drop off a baby,
177
00:08:00,212 --> 00:08:02,631
no questions asked?
178
00:08:02,632 --> 00:08:04,591
N... no. No.
179
00:08:04,592 --> 00:08:06,341
No, I mean here.
180
00:08:06,342 --> 00:08:07,631
Telling your story here.
181
00:08:07,632 --> 00:08:08,961
Hey, you know what?
182
00:08:08,962 --> 00:08:11,551
I probably have some fans
waiting for me outside,
183
00:08:11,552 --> 00:08:13,841
so I will leave you be.
184
00:08:13,842 --> 00:08:15,732
You're still here?
185
00:08:17,712 --> 00:08:20,591
Thanks for the offer, but
I'm not really a writer.
186
00:08:20,592 --> 00:08:24,591
Or a person who would come here twice.
187
00:08:24,592 --> 00:08:26,751
Plus, I'm trying to put my story behind me.
188
00:08:26,752 --> 00:08:28,131
All right. Well, think about it.
189
00:08:28,132 --> 00:08:29,631
It pays $50. Here's my card.
190
00:08:29,632 --> 00:08:31,251
You work at Avis?
191
00:08:31,252 --> 00:08:32,671
Oh, uh... Ooh.
192
00:08:32,672 --> 00:08:34,171
That's my other job.
193
00:08:34,172 --> 00:08:37,011
And remember, you have a story to tell.
194
00:08:37,012 --> 00:08:39,631
And sometimes renting a
car is actually cheaper
195
00:08:39,632 --> 00:08:41,482
than a long-term lease, so...
196
00:08:43,632 --> 00:08:45,341
I think you should totally do this.
197
00:08:45,342 --> 00:08:47,511
To finally tell my story
and give it closure?
198
00:08:47,512 --> 00:08:51,631
Yeah, a little of that,
but mostly the 50 bucks.
199
00:08:54,342 --> 00:08:56,341
I'm here for the surrogacy interview.
200
00:08:56,342 --> 00:08:58,591
Max, we got another baby mama.
201
00:08:58,592 --> 00:09:01,301
Look at all these woman
trying to get pregnant.
202
00:09:01,302 --> 00:09:03,812
It's like NBA All-Star Weekend.
203
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,591
Here's my resume, and do you validate?
204
00:09:07,592 --> 00:09:12,022
I've never been validated, so
you're not getting validated.
205
00:09:13,092 --> 00:09:14,671
But I am impressed you have a car,
206
00:09:14,672 --> 00:09:15,812
so have a seat.
207
00:09:17,512 --> 00:09:20,881
Max, I've been working on
my life story for the show.
208
00:09:20,882 --> 00:09:24,131
"As a little girl, I
dreamt of being a princess.
209
00:09:24,132 --> 00:09:27,511
"It wasn't until I lost
everything that I realized...
210
00:09:27,512 --> 00:09:29,982
that's what I'd already been."
211
00:09:30,882 --> 00:09:33,091
What else you got?
212
00:09:33,092 --> 00:09:35,171
Come on, Max, this is important.
213
00:09:35,172 --> 00:09:37,341
I've never told the story
about the day I lost my money,
214
00:09:37,342 --> 00:09:39,461
so it's all very raw.
215
00:09:39,462 --> 00:09:40,511
Okay, but just know,
216
00:09:40,512 --> 00:09:42,251
sometimes things can be too raw,
217
00:09:42,252 --> 00:09:43,921
like that chicken club sandwich that
218
00:09:43,922 --> 00:09:45,982
buck-kaw'd at the table.
219
00:09:47,672 --> 00:09:49,341
Looks like my appearance
220
00:09:49,342 --> 00:09:51,511
on the Brooklyn Small Business podcast
221
00:09:51,512 --> 00:09:53,461
really paid off!
222
00:09:53,462 --> 00:09:55,461
These aren't customers, silly.
223
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:58,131
These are just women that will
do literally anything for money.
224
00:09:58,132 --> 00:10:01,341
Will any of them wait tables?
225
00:10:01,342 --> 00:10:02,921
Han, can I go work in your office?
226
00:10:02,922 --> 00:10:04,631
I just need to write my life story.
227
00:10:04,632 --> 00:10:06,461
I promise I won't play with your Legos.
228
00:10:06,462 --> 00:10:08,461
You mean those little plastic men
229
00:10:08,462 --> 00:10:10,812
protecting his virginity?
230
00:10:14,462 --> 00:10:17,091
Sophie, ready to meet the
next potential surrogate?
231
00:10:17,092 --> 00:10:20,511
Oh, well, the lady in stall two is out.
232
00:10:20,512 --> 00:10:23,612
Yeah, I just heard her balls hit the water.
233
00:10:26,252 --> 00:10:27,562
Where is Oleg?
234
00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,591
Sorry, I was watching a YouTube video
235
00:10:30,592 --> 00:10:32,211
on how to make spaghetti.
236
00:10:32,212 --> 00:10:34,732
Boy, I was way off.
237
00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:38,301
Uh, Sophie?
238
00:10:38,302 --> 00:10:39,841
This is Claire.
239
00:10:39,842 --> 00:10:43,022
You liked that her application
was filled out in pink pen.
240
00:10:44,632 --> 00:10:45,671
Do you mind if I sit down?
241
00:10:45,672 --> 00:10:47,551
My back is killing me.
242
00:10:47,552 --> 00:10:51,051
Yeah, well, your front is killing me.
243
00:10:51,052 --> 00:10:54,301
I mean, what the hell?
244
00:10:54,302 --> 00:10:56,051
I don't know if you're aware of this,
245
00:10:56,052 --> 00:10:58,522
but your "No Vacancy" sign is flashing.
246
00:10:59,512 --> 00:11:01,551
Yes, but once I give this gift
247
00:11:01,552 --> 00:11:04,591
to a lovely same-sex couple in Tribeca,
248
00:11:04,592 --> 00:11:07,511
I would love to carry
your gift into the world.
249
00:11:07,512 --> 00:11:10,551
I've been a surrogate 12 times.
250
00:11:10,552 --> 00:11:12,421
What are you?
251
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,692
A baby PEZ dispenser?
252
00:11:16,462 --> 00:11:18,341
What do you get after 12? A free sub?
253
00:11:18,342 --> 00:11:19,732
Next!
254
00:11:21,302 --> 00:11:22,961
Pregnant 12 times?
255
00:11:22,962 --> 00:11:26,211
Must be like saloon doors down there.
256
00:11:26,212 --> 00:11:27,364
I don't know.
257
00:11:27,365 --> 00:11:30,171
Are you sure you can't spend
more than $200 on this thing?
258
00:11:30,172 --> 00:11:32,171
Because I feel like it's reflecting
259
00:11:32,172 --> 00:11:34,591
in the pool of candidates.
260
00:11:37,512 --> 00:11:40,511
Which one says, "Just
because I'm at my bottom
261
00:11:40,512 --> 00:11:43,011
doesn't mean I can't wear a nice top"?
262
00:11:43,012 --> 00:11:46,062
Even your shirts talk too much.
263
00:11:47,632 --> 00:11:49,211
Max can you be serious?
264
00:11:49,212 --> 00:11:51,381
No, but you sure can.
265
00:11:51,382 --> 00:11:55,091
I read your story, and it is supes serious,
266
00:11:55,092 --> 00:11:57,421
so I took the liberty
of putting some jokes in.
267
00:11:57,422 --> 00:11:59,131
I mean, "Schindler's List" was depressing,
268
00:11:59,132 --> 00:12:01,301
but at least there were still jokes.
269
00:12:01,302 --> 00:12:04,251
You changed my life story?
270
00:12:04,252 --> 00:12:07,011
You got mustard on my life story?
271
00:12:07,012 --> 00:12:09,631
I added a few riffs and had a hot dog.
272
00:12:09,632 --> 00:12:12,421
I think your story is really, really sad,
273
00:12:12,422 --> 00:12:14,841
and it's gonna bum people out,
and that's gonna bum you out,
274
00:12:14,842 --> 00:12:16,881
and that's gonna bum me out.
275
00:12:16,882 --> 00:12:19,671
Well, as I said to Mrs. Shearson,
276
00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:21,671
who directed me in "Cabaret,"
277
00:12:21,672 --> 00:12:23,381
I don't know how I could be much better,
278
00:12:23,382 --> 00:12:25,671
but I'm open to your ideas.
279
00:12:25,672 --> 00:12:28,091
All right, let me hear
some of your funnies.
280
00:12:28,092 --> 00:12:29,461
All right, first of all,
281
00:12:29,462 --> 00:12:31,011
we're gonna sit Han in the front row,
282
00:12:31,012 --> 00:12:32,751
and you're gonna say,
283
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:37,511
"I'm gonna keep this
short, 'cause this guy did."
284
00:12:37,512 --> 00:12:41,671
Hold for what I have to imagine
is a five-to ten-minute laugh.
285
00:12:41,672 --> 00:12:44,591
Okay, all through this first section,
286
00:12:44,592 --> 00:12:46,841
you're driving right through Snoresville,
287
00:12:46,842 --> 00:12:50,631
and then you take a slight
right into Who-gives-a-crap-town.
288
00:12:50,632 --> 00:12:54,091
The point is you're
driving a 2016 Ford Bore-us.
289
00:12:54,092 --> 00:12:55,631
All right, fine.
290
00:12:55,632 --> 00:12:57,591
I'll put some of your jokes in.
291
00:12:57,592 --> 00:12:59,841
Oh, but I don't want
to attack Anne Hathaway.
292
00:12:59,842 --> 00:13:02,171
Hasn't she been through enough?
293
00:13:04,462 --> 00:13:06,711
And after it was all said and done,
294
00:13:06,712 --> 00:13:09,022
I looked at my vagina...
295
00:13:10,922 --> 00:13:13,711
And my vagina looked at me,
296
00:13:13,712 --> 00:13:17,091
and we shared a knowing glance.
297
00:13:17,092 --> 00:13:22,192
It was as if she was giving me
permission to tell her story.
298
00:13:23,512 --> 00:13:26,671
Thank you, vagina.
299
00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:29,591
And thank you for listening.
300
00:13:32,462 --> 00:13:34,091
I never thought I could get tired
301
00:13:34,092 --> 00:13:35,841
of hearing the word "vagina,"
302
00:13:35,842 --> 00:13:38,562
and yet, here I am.
303
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:41,921
Hey, tips are kind of low, huh?
304
00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:46,442
How'd you like to make $200,
possibly $250, to have my baby?
305
00:13:47,382 --> 00:13:48,551
What?
306
00:13:48,552 --> 00:13:51,171
You carry stuff anyway.
307
00:13:51,172 --> 00:13:52,671
Just as well.
308
00:13:52,672 --> 00:13:56,051
I didn't want our baby
to have that hair color.
309
00:13:56,052 --> 00:13:58,301
Where's that waitress going?
310
00:13:58,302 --> 00:13:59,591
I need a double.
311
00:13:59,592 --> 00:14:00,751
A double what?
312
00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:02,711
Double anything.
313
00:14:02,712 --> 00:14:05,381
How's everyone doing out there?
314
00:14:05,382 --> 00:14:07,961
Isn't this a wonderful way
to spend a Friday night?
315
00:14:07,962 --> 00:14:09,381
Hmm?
316
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:10,671
I'm up next.
317
00:14:10,672 --> 00:14:14,341
On a scale of 9 to 10, how do I look?
318
00:14:14,342 --> 00:14:15,801
You look beautiful,
319
00:14:15,802 --> 00:14:17,381
so they're gonna be really surprised
320
00:14:17,382 --> 00:14:19,051
when you have jokes.
321
00:14:19,052 --> 00:14:22,551
And our next storyteller
is here for the first time,
322
00:14:22,552 --> 00:14:26,381
reading a tale so epic
that it should be two tales.
323
00:14:26,382 --> 00:14:29,251
And like the two-tailed Melusina,
324
00:14:29,252 --> 00:14:32,352
a serpent of European folklore...
325
00:14:33,552 --> 00:14:35,631
She is truly a beauty.
326
00:14:35,632 --> 00:14:40,631
What in good God is that man talking about?
327
00:14:40,632 --> 00:14:44,631
Please welcome Caroline Channing.
328
00:14:48,172 --> 00:14:51,711
As he said, my name is Caroline Channing.
329
00:14:51,712 --> 00:14:54,591
That used to mean something special,
330
00:14:54,592 --> 00:14:57,511
and I have learned
through the past few years
331
00:14:57,512 --> 00:15:00,051
that it still does.
332
00:15:00,052 --> 00:15:02,131
My father was Martin Channing,
333
00:15:02,132 --> 00:15:04,011
the most hated man in New York City.
334
00:15:04,012 --> 00:15:07,522
Except for any Time Warner Cable guy...
335
00:15:09,592 --> 00:15:10,881
You know what?
336
00:15:10,882 --> 00:15:12,511
I don't need to look at this.
337
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:13,591
I know what happened.
338
00:15:13,592 --> 00:15:15,251
I'll never forget it.
339
00:15:15,252 --> 00:15:18,011
You don't forget the day
that you lose yourself.
340
00:15:18,012 --> 00:15:20,511
Oh, boy.
341
00:15:20,512 --> 00:15:22,511
She's off script.
342
00:15:22,512 --> 00:15:24,591
She's gone rogue.
343
00:15:24,592 --> 00:15:26,421
Where's that waitress?
344
00:15:26,422 --> 00:15:28,209
Double his double!
345
00:15:36,628 --> 00:15:38,797
As my driver drove down 5th Avenue
346
00:15:38,798 --> 00:15:40,667
and up to my townhouse,
347
00:15:40,668 --> 00:15:43,667
I saw there was a police
car parked out front.
348
00:15:43,668 --> 00:15:47,457
And at first, I thought,
"Am I being arrested?"
349
00:15:47,458 --> 00:15:50,648
Lip-synching to Ludacris at a stoplight!
350
00:15:52,338 --> 00:15:54,667
But it was my father being arrested.
351
00:15:54,668 --> 00:15:58,547
I saw my father in handcuffs.
352
00:15:58,548 --> 00:16:02,457
There, in that instant,
353
00:16:02,458 --> 00:16:05,457
I went from princess to pariah.
354
00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,507
Well, she threw away a perfectly good
355
00:16:08,508 --> 00:16:10,457
"Pariah Carey" joke.
356
00:16:10,458 --> 00:16:12,228
Shh!
357
00:16:13,298 --> 00:16:15,337
Just looking out for my girl here.
358
00:16:15,338 --> 00:16:16,938
Shh!
359
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:22,047
My perfect world was shattered.
360
00:16:22,048 --> 00:16:25,417
I saw the man who I trusted,
361
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:28,297
who I believed in more than anyone,
362
00:16:28,298 --> 00:16:31,917
who read me bedtime stories
363
00:16:31,918 --> 00:16:35,167
and taught me how to tie
my shoes with bunny ears...
364
00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:37,877
I saw my father in handcuffs.
365
00:16:37,878 --> 00:16:40,337
He stole my trust,
366
00:16:40,338 --> 00:16:42,127
my belief in people,
367
00:16:42,128 --> 00:16:43,547
my innocence.
368
00:16:43,548 --> 00:16:47,457
If she doesn't say
"virginity," I am leaving.
369
00:16:47,458 --> 00:16:50,417
He stole who I thought I was
370
00:16:50,418 --> 00:16:55,337
and left me to find who I really am.
371
00:16:55,338 --> 00:16:57,558
Thank you.
372
00:17:00,258 --> 00:17:01,337
Nothing?
373
00:17:02,508 --> 00:17:04,047
We got to sneak her out the back door.
374
00:17:15,338 --> 00:17:19,167
You were so sad and triumphant
375
00:17:19,168 --> 00:17:20,217
and... so...
376
00:17:21,548 --> 00:17:23,337
Oh, here come the waterworks!
377
00:17:24,798 --> 00:17:26,717
Caroline,
378
00:17:26,718 --> 00:17:29,337
I know you said you never would,
379
00:17:29,338 --> 00:17:32,148
but you touched me.
380
00:17:33,418 --> 00:17:36,797
That really tugged at my heartstrings...
381
00:17:36,798 --> 00:17:38,417
or cables or wires
382
00:17:38,418 --> 00:17:41,167
or whatever's in here keeping me alive.
383
00:17:41,168 --> 00:17:44,167
Caroline...
384
00:17:44,168 --> 00:17:47,917
Oh, you know what you and I both need?
385
00:17:47,918 --> 00:17:50,587
A hug. Yeah.
386
00:17:50,588 --> 00:17:52,478
Oh...
387
00:17:55,218 --> 00:17:58,318
It's nice, isn't it?
388
00:17:59,548 --> 00:18:01,297
Caroline, that was great!
389
00:18:01,298 --> 00:18:05,457
I'm so glad I inspired
you with my awesome story.
390
00:18:05,458 --> 00:18:06,797
You're still here?
391
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:11,667
I'm sorry I didn't do your jokes, Max.
392
00:18:11,668 --> 00:18:12,668
You know what?
393
00:18:12,669 --> 00:18:14,127
You didn't need them!
394
00:18:14,128 --> 00:18:16,217
I think people sometimes like to be sad.
395
00:18:16,218 --> 00:18:18,438
That's why there's Adele.
396
00:18:19,628 --> 00:18:22,007
I think I finally got closure.
397
00:18:22,008 --> 00:18:23,217
It's gone, Max.
398
00:18:23,218 --> 00:18:25,297
Love you.
399
00:18:25,298 --> 00:18:26,627
Love your story.
400
00:18:26,628 --> 00:18:27,917
Thanks.
401
00:18:27,918 --> 00:18:29,337
I'm Nina Spiegel.
402
00:18:29,338 --> 00:18:31,127
I found the whole thing riveting.
403
00:18:31,128 --> 00:18:33,417
The ups, the downs, the way-downs.
404
00:18:33,418 --> 00:18:35,717
Ugh, your story had it all.
405
00:18:35,718 --> 00:18:38,018
She's not joining your threesome.
406
00:18:39,298 --> 00:18:41,007
Sorry, that's usually what women want
407
00:18:41,008 --> 00:18:42,797
when they compliment me.
408
00:18:42,798 --> 00:18:45,667
Look, I'd like to talk about
taking this to my studio.
409
00:18:45,668 --> 00:18:49,217
You have your own studio apartment?
410
00:18:49,218 --> 00:18:51,297
Let the wooing continue.
411
00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:53,297
No, it's a film studio.
412
00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:54,667
Warner Brothers.
413
00:18:54,668 --> 00:18:57,768
The Tasmanian Devil Warner Brothers?
414
00:18:59,458 --> 00:19:02,547
I think we can turn
your story into a movie.
415
00:19:02,548 --> 00:19:04,377
Really?
416
00:19:04,378 --> 00:19:05,917
The Caroline Channing story
417
00:19:05,918 --> 00:19:07,547
deserves to live on the big screen
418
00:19:07,548 --> 00:19:09,757
for one to two weeks.
419
00:19:09,758 --> 00:19:12,417
Then On Demand for eternity.
420
00:19:12,418 --> 00:19:15,127
Oh, my God.
421
00:19:15,128 --> 00:19:17,417
Max, isn't this exciting?
422
00:19:17,418 --> 00:19:18,587
I know!
423
00:19:18,588 --> 00:19:21,507
They have Speedy Gonzalez too!
424
00:19:25,918 --> 00:19:27,337
I'm still on hold, Max.
425
00:19:27,338 --> 00:19:29,087
I know Nina's important,
426
00:19:29,088 --> 00:19:31,127
because her assistant has
put me on hold six times
427
00:19:31,128 --> 00:19:32,757
and muted me twice.
428
00:19:32,758 --> 00:19:35,457
Muting you's an option?
429
00:19:35,458 --> 00:19:38,007
Why wouldn't they put that in your manual?
430
00:19:38,008 --> 00:19:39,337
Hi!
431
00:19:39,338 --> 00:19:40,377
Oh, are you kidding?
432
00:19:40,378 --> 00:19:42,188
I love waiting.
433
00:19:43,338 --> 00:19:46,377
Sophie, here's your consolation gnocchi,
434
00:19:46,378 --> 00:19:49,457
for not finding somebody
to get gn-knocked up.
435
00:19:49,458 --> 00:19:52,297
Oh, thanks, Oleg.
436
00:19:52,298 --> 00:19:56,898
Well, at least I have you.
437
00:19:57,798 --> 00:19:59,297
You know what, Sophie?
438
00:19:59,298 --> 00:20:01,007
I'll be the surrogate,
439
00:20:01,008 --> 00:20:03,127
but if my pregnancy boobs
knock over a street lamp,
440
00:20:03,128 --> 00:20:04,377
that's on your insurance.
441
00:20:04,378 --> 00:20:06,877
That's real nice of you, Max,
442
00:20:06,878 --> 00:20:10,547
but if there's anything that I
learned from Caroline's story,
443
00:20:10,548 --> 00:20:15,257
it's that you can't give
up, even if you should.
444
00:20:15,258 --> 00:20:16,797
Oh, so you're gonna keep trying?
445
00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:18,757
No, we're gonna adopt,
446
00:20:18,758 --> 00:20:21,257
and we will cherish this little baby,
447
00:20:21,258 --> 00:20:23,507
even if it's not technically from us.
448
00:20:23,508 --> 00:20:25,007
Yeah, Oleg's right.
449
00:20:25,008 --> 00:20:28,377
I mean, half my hair's not from me,
450
00:20:28,378 --> 00:20:32,917
but I love it just as much as if it were.
451
00:20:32,918 --> 00:20:37,007
They are flying me to Hollywood!
452
00:20:37,008 --> 00:20:38,753
They want to bring me out first class
453
00:20:38,754 --> 00:20:39,861
for a meet-and-greet.
454
00:20:39,862 --> 00:20:40,877
But I told them no.
455
00:20:40,878 --> 00:20:42,587
Are you crazy?
456
00:20:42,588 --> 00:20:44,417
You can't pass up a meet-and-greet.
457
00:20:44,418 --> 00:20:45,917
You can't pass up any kind of meat.
458
00:20:45,918 --> 00:20:47,377
You're anemic.
459
00:20:47,378 --> 00:20:49,757
I switched the tickets for two coach seats.
460
00:20:49,758 --> 00:20:51,087
I want you to come with me!
461
00:20:51,088 --> 00:20:52,417
Who needs to lie flat
462
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:54,377
when I can be squished
between my best friend
463
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:57,417
and an obese rabbi in row 36?
464
00:20:57,418 --> 00:20:59,217
We're going to Hollywood!
465
00:21:04,568 --> 00:21:11,997
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.