1
00:00:02,373 --> 00:00:03,242
Here's your check.
2
00:00:03,243 --> 00:00:05,952
Sorry about the entire experience.
3
00:00:05,953 --> 00:00:07,582
Ugh.
4
00:00:07,583 --> 00:00:09,526
You're gonna have to take
it the rest of the way.
5
00:00:09,527 --> 00:00:12,122
I slept funny last year.
6
00:00:12,123 --> 00:00:13,952
You know, I happen to
be a massage therapist,
7
00:00:13,953 --> 00:00:17,202
and I happen to be
broke, so what do you say
8
00:00:17,203 --> 00:00:19,282
I get that crick out of
your neck as your tip?
9
00:00:19,283 --> 00:00:22,782
I miss being able to just say no.
10
00:00:22,783 --> 00:00:24,366
Hold on, I have to run this by a person
11
00:00:24,367 --> 00:00:26,242
who's been poor longer.
12
00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:30,202
Sadly, that guy over there is
offering me a massage as a tip.
13
00:00:30,203 --> 00:00:32,492
Sadly-er, I'm considering it.
14
00:00:32,493 --> 00:00:35,822
Sadly-est, you were here
when that old woman punched me
15
00:00:35,823 --> 00:00:39,492
in the breast and then
asked for change, right?
16
00:00:39,493 --> 00:00:41,372
We're not doing great.
17
00:00:41,373 --> 00:00:44,162
There's got to be somebody
doing worse than you two.
18
00:00:44,163 --> 00:00:48,202
Like that guy who got
left on Mars last year.
19
00:00:48,203 --> 00:00:49,492
Question, girls.
20
00:00:49,493 --> 00:00:51,622
I'm making a healthier menu.
21
00:00:51,623 --> 00:00:54,872
Should I advertise no trans
fat, or does that sound like
22
00:00:54,873 --> 00:00:59,782
I'm trying to keep out Chaz Bono?
23
00:00:59,783 --> 00:01:03,122
Not now, Han, I have
a massage scheduled.
24
00:01:03,123 --> 00:01:05,122
All the stress of acting
like you're working
25
00:01:05,123 --> 00:01:06,883
starting to get to you?
26
00:01:10,163 --> 00:01:11,242
Oh.
27
00:01:11,243 --> 00:01:13,242
Oh.
28
00:01:13,243 --> 00:01:14,782
Oh, yeah.
29
00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:17,162
Oh, yeah.
30
00:01:17,163 --> 00:01:19,122
Oh, yeah!
31
00:01:19,123 --> 00:01:22,162
Oh yeah.
32
00:01:22,163 --> 00:01:23,742
- Yes!
- Yeah.
33
00:01:23,743 --> 00:01:26,662
Oh, yes!
34
00:01:26,663 --> 00:01:28,122
Yes!
35
00:01:28,123 --> 00:01:29,492
Oh... yes!
36
00:01:29,493 --> 00:01:30,872
Yes! Yes!
37
00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:32,952
Yes, yes, yes!
38
00:01:41,283 --> 00:01:44,093
I just had what she's having.
39
00:01:49,873 --> 00:01:56,415
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
40
00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:04,076
Max, are you busy right now?
41
00:02:04,077 --> 00:02:06,656
- No, I'm at work.
- Cool.
42
00:02:06,657 --> 00:02:08,656
I'm gonna call a staff meeting.
43
00:02:08,657 --> 00:02:11,656
I used to call my driver to pick
up sushi during Gilmore Girls,
44
00:02:11,657 --> 00:02:14,446
but now I call staff
meetings at a diner.
45
00:02:14,447 --> 00:02:16,116
Hey!
46
00:02:16,117 --> 00:02:19,906
Only I can call staff
meetings at the diner.
47
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,996
It's one of the perks of the job.
48
00:02:21,997 --> 00:02:24,576
Well, it's the perk of the job.
49
00:02:24,577 --> 00:02:27,036
Well, it's okay.
50
00:02:27,037 --> 00:02:28,946
The staff meeting is
about the dessert bar
51
00:02:28,947 --> 00:02:30,996
Max and I are opening
in our cupcake window.
52
00:02:30,997 --> 00:02:33,076
If you want, Han, you
can call the meeting,
53
00:02:33,077 --> 00:02:34,677
but I can't imagine
you'd be petty enough
54
00:02:34,678 --> 00:02:36,221
to take the thrill away from Caroline.
55
00:02:36,222 --> 00:02:38,656
Staff meeting!
56
00:02:38,657 --> 00:02:40,490
See, this is what happens
57
00:02:40,491 --> 00:02:44,060
when the mother cat
refuses to lick the runt.
58
00:02:45,161 --> 00:02:47,950
Okay, so I'm checking on
the dessert bar assignments
59
00:02:47,951 --> 00:02:49,450
I gave everyone.
60
00:02:49,451 --> 00:02:50,651
Earl, did you call your cousin
61
00:02:50,652 --> 00:02:52,901
at that liquor distributor
about getting us a discount?
62
00:02:52,902 --> 00:02:54,530
Now, why would I call him?
63
00:02:54,531 --> 00:02:58,830
I owe him $10,000 and a kidney.
64
00:02:58,831 --> 00:03:00,830
So that's a "not yet."
65
00:03:00,831 --> 00:03:02,620
I haven't done my thing, either.
66
00:03:05,581 --> 00:03:07,910
Caroline, with all your
money from Hollywood,
67
00:03:07,911 --> 00:03:10,240
you could pay other
people to do this stuff...
68
00:03:10,241 --> 00:03:14,160
and also replace the
transmission on a 2012 Yaris.
69
00:03:14,161 --> 00:03:17,830
We have to save all our movie
money for the dessert bar.
70
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:21,580
Believe it or not, my boobs
can't get us zoning permits.
71
00:03:21,581 --> 00:03:25,030
But they did get us kicked
out of an architect's office.
72
00:03:25,031 --> 00:03:27,370
Oleg, did you talk to your
connection at City Hall
73
00:03:27,371 --> 00:03:28,830
about expediting our liquor license?
74
00:03:28,831 --> 00:03:31,830
Yes, she told me, "Don't
ever sneak into my home
75
00:03:31,831 --> 00:03:34,620
through the bathroom window again."
76
00:03:34,621 --> 00:03:36,530
Oh, this is rich.
77
00:03:36,531 --> 00:03:38,790
Now you two see some
of the hell I go through
78
00:03:38,791 --> 00:03:40,450
as a small business owner.
79
00:03:40,451 --> 00:03:42,580
No, you go through hell
'cause nobody wants to
80
00:03:42,581 --> 00:03:46,700
see your small business.
81
00:03:46,701 --> 00:03:48,700
Staff meeting over!
82
00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:51,160
Small staff meeting.
83
00:03:51,161 --> 00:03:52,530
Max, your boyfriend is a lawyer.
84
00:03:52,531 --> 00:03:54,200
When you're at his hotel tonight,
85
00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:56,001
can you ask him to look
at our liquor license?
86
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:58,105
Also, could you fill an ice
bucket with mini shampoos
87
00:03:58,106 --> 00:03:59,330
and bring it home?
88
00:03:59,331 --> 00:04:00,910
No on both counts.
89
00:04:00,911 --> 00:04:03,030
You're not using Randy for legal advice.
90
00:04:03,031 --> 00:04:05,200
And as for the shampoo,
they switched to a pump
91
00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:08,870
bolted to the wall, 'cause
I was getting greedy.
92
00:04:08,871 --> 00:04:10,620
Hey, Randy.
93
00:04:10,621 --> 00:04:11,700
Hey, Earl.
94
00:04:11,701 --> 00:04:13,700
Saw your rant on Twitter last night.
95
00:04:13,701 --> 00:04:16,240
And I agree; what
self-respecting Sizzler
96
00:04:16,241 --> 00:04:17,830
runs out of Sprite?
97
00:04:17,831 --> 00:04:19,700
I put that on Twitter?
98
00:04:19,701 --> 00:04:22,801
I thought I was writing
an email to my brother.
99
00:04:24,451 --> 00:04:26,290
Hey there, beautiful.
100
00:04:26,291 --> 00:04:28,391
Mm.
101
00:04:30,531 --> 00:04:33,530
So I thought we'd try
something different tonight.
102
00:04:33,531 --> 00:04:35,700
You on top?
103
00:04:35,701 --> 00:04:37,490
No, I'm not talking about changing
104
00:04:37,491 --> 00:04:40,330
our whole power dynamic.
105
00:04:40,331 --> 00:04:42,620
I'm talking about
staying at your apartment.
106
00:04:42,621 --> 00:04:45,620
So, you on bottom?
107
00:04:45,621 --> 00:04:47,490
'Cause that's where I live.
108
00:04:47,491 --> 00:04:49,080
No, really.
109
00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:51,450
We're living in a fantasy
world, that hotel room.
110
00:04:51,451 --> 00:04:53,410
I mean, a really sexy fantasy world,
111
00:04:53,411 --> 00:04:55,330
with people cleaning up after us
112
00:04:55,331 --> 00:04:57,620
and a maid who knew
you from high school.
113
00:04:57,621 --> 00:05:02,410
Boy, was she surprised
to see me naked and alive.
114
00:05:02,411 --> 00:05:04,790
I know I always am.
115
00:05:04,791 --> 00:05:06,740
And Max, I've been to your apartment.
116
00:05:06,741 --> 00:05:08,290
It wasn't that bad.
117
00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:11,120
Uh, okay, fine. We can stay at my place.
118
00:05:11,121 --> 00:05:12,700
But it's BYOC.
119
00:05:12,701 --> 00:05:15,681
Bring your own carbon monoxide detector.
120
00:05:19,871 --> 00:05:21,490
Well, here we are.
121
00:05:21,491 --> 00:05:23,990
Slum, sweet slum.
122
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,330
She says that every
time she walks in here.
123
00:05:26,331 --> 00:05:28,761
It's usually to scare the
crack addict out of our kitchen.
124
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:32,200
Allen, are you here?
125
00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:34,120
All right, well, this is it.
126
00:05:34,121 --> 00:05:35,490
What do you want to do now?
127
00:05:35,491 --> 00:05:38,700
We usually go to sleep
so death comes sooner.
128
00:05:38,701 --> 00:05:41,530
You guys, I can handle an apartment.
129
00:05:41,531 --> 00:05:43,370
Don't let my broad shoulders, stubble,
130
00:05:43,371 --> 00:05:46,450
and Adam's apple confuse
you; I am, in fact, a man.
131
00:05:46,451 --> 00:05:49,120
Coming up straight ahead is the kitchen.
132
00:05:49,121 --> 00:05:50,620
But I don't have to tell you that.
133
00:05:50,621 --> 00:05:52,580
You can smell the gas.
134
00:05:52,581 --> 00:05:56,620
Fun fact: those paper towels
you see aren't actually paper,
135
00:05:56,621 --> 00:05:58,580
but they do cause cancer.
136
00:05:59,911 --> 00:06:01,830
Ooh, let me guess: the Grim Reaper?
137
00:06:01,831 --> 00:06:05,131
No, the Grim Reaper comes
on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
138
00:06:07,371 --> 00:06:09,181
Hey, girls.
139
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:16,660
And Randy. Oh.
140
00:06:16,661 --> 00:06:20,240
Someone's been taking
his handsome pills.
141
00:06:20,241 --> 00:06:22,620
Well, they make them in chewable now.
142
00:06:22,621 --> 00:06:24,950
Makes it a lot easier.
143
00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:26,240
Oh, Randy's here?
144
00:06:26,241 --> 00:06:28,620
Hey, hey, hey, bro.
145
00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:30,080
We should hang upstairs later.
146
00:06:30,081 --> 00:06:32,870
We can eat pizza and watch dirty movies.
147
00:06:32,871 --> 00:06:36,660
It's not delivery; it's DiPorno.
148
00:06:36,661 --> 00:06:39,530
That's a hard no.
149
00:06:39,531 --> 00:06:43,830
Girls, we need to store
some stuff in your place.
150
00:06:43,831 --> 00:06:46,990
Oleg and I are
baby-proofing our apartment.
151
00:06:46,991 --> 00:06:49,290
My mom baby-proofed our house for me.
152
00:06:49,291 --> 00:06:51,990
She put a club on the steering wheel.
153
00:06:51,991 --> 00:06:54,030
So in this duffle bag, I have...
154
00:06:54,031 --> 00:06:55,370
He's opening it!
155
00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:56,580
Randy, close your eyes!
156
00:06:56,581 --> 00:06:58,160
Relax.
157
00:06:58,161 --> 00:06:59,580
It's just swords
158
00:06:59,581 --> 00:07:01,620
and sex toys.
159
00:07:01,621 --> 00:07:03,950
Oh, I think one of them's both.
160
00:07:03,951 --> 00:07:07,870
Are you referring to sex-calibur?
161
00:07:07,871 --> 00:07:10,660
Oh, I love this one.
162
00:07:10,661 --> 00:07:12,290
This is the sword we used
163
00:07:12,291 --> 00:07:16,330
when we were playing
Bonan the Barbarian.
164
00:07:16,331 --> 00:07:17,740
And you know what?
165
00:07:17,741 --> 00:07:21,240
It's good to give to the
less sexually fortunate.
166
00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:22,490
Yeah.
167
00:07:22,491 --> 00:07:25,660
The sex toys are for you, Caroline.
168
00:07:25,661 --> 00:07:26,801
I'm good, I had a massage.
169
00:07:36,491 --> 00:07:38,490
Hiya!
170
00:07:38,491 --> 00:07:41,587
What are you doing?
171
00:07:41,588 --> 00:07:44,207
This is how all the great
ninjas eat their bagels.
172
00:07:44,208 --> 00:07:45,707
Where's Randy?
173
00:07:45,708 --> 00:07:48,888
Did he go back to the
land of not-expired milk,
174
00:07:48,889 --> 00:07:50,598
and not-expired honey?
175
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,519
No, he's stronger than I thought.
176
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,910
Much like that little person I
arm wrestled at Chelsea Piers.
177
00:07:57,430 --> 00:07:59,309
I love it here.
178
00:07:59,310 --> 00:08:01,809
I just took the grayest
shower of my life.
179
00:08:01,810 --> 00:08:04,389
Did you just say
"grayest" or "greatest"?
180
00:08:04,390 --> 00:08:05,729
No, I said gray.
181
00:08:05,730 --> 00:08:07,349
I was being kind.
182
00:08:07,350 --> 00:08:09,229
It was brown.
183
00:08:09,230 --> 00:08:12,389
All right, well, come on,
your sword bagel is ready.
184
00:08:12,390 --> 00:08:15,530
God, I do miss having sex.
185
00:08:16,690 --> 00:08:18,429
Also, what is the deal with...
186
00:08:18,430 --> 00:08:20,429
Oh! God! Oh!
187
00:08:20,430 --> 00:08:22,099
Ugh, I just stepped
on something painful.
188
00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:24,309
Really painful!
189
00:08:24,310 --> 00:08:26,189
Is there a nail sticking
up through the floor?
190
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,599
Oh no, he stepped on
Nail Patrick Harris!
191
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:33,019
Oh, I forgot to warn you
about that stupid nail.
192
00:08:33,020 --> 00:08:35,349
It's been there forever. I
just know to avoid it by now.
193
00:08:35,350 --> 00:08:36,929
Everyone does; that's why we named it
194
00:08:36,930 --> 00:08:38,689
"Nail Patrick Harris."
195
00:08:38,690 --> 00:08:40,019
Are you okay?
196
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,563
You look like you're in a lot of pain.
197
00:08:41,564 --> 00:08:42,689
Do you want to roll the dice
198
00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:44,139
with one of the pills in the couch?
199
00:08:44,140 --> 00:08:45,349
I'm fine. It's not that bad.
200
00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:47,349
Okay, well lift up
your foot. Let me see.
201
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,990
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
202
00:09:00,430 --> 00:09:01,599
Randy?
203
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,269
This is bad.
204
00:09:04,270 --> 00:09:07,479
I think we have to
take you to Hapitalito.
205
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,479
Well, I must be losing consciousness.
206
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:10,979
That sounded like gibberish.
207
00:09:10,980 --> 00:09:12,643
No, you heard me right,
I said Hapitalito.
208
00:09:12,644 --> 00:09:14,309
That's our healthcare provider.
209
00:09:14,310 --> 00:09:16,430
It's a guy with a shopping
cart filled with Band-Aids,
210
00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:17,760
and most of them aren't used.
211
00:09:17,761 --> 00:09:19,769
Max, I have insurance.
212
00:09:19,770 --> 00:09:21,769
Well, I don't think he takes insurance,
213
00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:24,229
but if you have old TCBY cards,
214
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,689
five is good for "uno surgeria."
215
00:09:26,690 --> 00:09:29,269
Well, maybe it stopped.
216
00:09:35,430 --> 00:09:38,530
I'm Carrie! I'm Carrie at the prom!
217
00:09:39,850 --> 00:09:42,059
Caroline, come on, we have to go.
218
00:09:42,060 --> 00:09:44,978
I'm already covered in
blood. Just leave me to die.
219
00:09:44,979 --> 00:09:46,478
Oh, calm down!
220
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,019
If this had happened with any
of my regular type of guys,
221
00:09:49,020 --> 00:09:51,490
you'd be halfway to Hep C right now.
222
00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:55,429
Help! Help!
223
00:09:55,430 --> 00:09:57,269
My apartment tried to kill my boyfriend!
224
00:09:57,270 --> 00:09:58,599
He's gonna die!
225
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,809
I'm not gonna die, Max.
226
00:10:00,810 --> 00:10:02,809
Although, this CVS bag
you tied around my foot
227
00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:04,389
has completely cut off the circulation.
228
00:10:04,390 --> 00:10:07,870
And the ten-foot receipt's
caught in the wound.
229
00:10:09,310 --> 00:10:11,429
My boyfriend needs medical attention.
230
00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:13,019
Oh, really?
231
00:10:13,020 --> 00:10:15,229
I thought he was here
for a sensible pantsuit
232
00:10:15,230 --> 00:10:17,979
at a reasonable price.
233
00:10:17,980 --> 00:10:20,769
Oh, I recognize you
234
00:10:20,770 --> 00:10:22,559
from the last time we were in here.
235
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,269
I wasn't attracted to you then,
236
00:10:24,270 --> 00:10:27,189
but I see you've added
balding and a beard to the mix.
237
00:10:27,190 --> 00:10:29,349
Ha, ha, I remember you too.
238
00:10:29,350 --> 00:10:32,099
The devil wears Target.
239
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:34,269
We need a good doctor,
240
00:10:34,270 --> 00:10:37,429
so he better not be from America.
241
00:10:37,430 --> 00:10:39,099
'Cause he has insurance.
242
00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:40,479
Show him the card, Randy.
243
00:10:41,810 --> 00:10:43,490
Could I touch it?
244
00:10:46,310 --> 00:10:48,849
Oh, good for you, a PPO.
245
00:10:48,850 --> 00:10:52,269
You know, I cleaned up
some PPO right there.
246
00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:54,189
Come on, this is serious!
247
00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:56,269
He might have "Tetris"!
248
00:10:56,270 --> 00:11:00,429
He's got the beloved
Russian puzzle game?
249
00:11:00,430 --> 00:11:02,429
Are you sure he doesn't
have a case of the
250
00:11:02,430 --> 00:11:05,189
Super Mario Brothers?
251
00:11:05,190 --> 00:11:07,559
Well, there's a lot
of people ahead of you,
252
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,639
so why don't you take
your boyfriend's boo boo
253
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,229
and sit down?
254
00:11:11,230 --> 00:11:12,929
Fine.
255
00:11:12,930 --> 00:11:15,269
But he better not
die, 'cause if he does,
256
00:11:15,270 --> 00:11:18,769
I'm gonna take those buttons
and pin them to your sack.
257
00:11:18,770 --> 00:11:21,410
Promise?
258
00:11:23,310 --> 00:11:24,349
Damn it!
259
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,309
I guess we're gonna be here forever.
260
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:29,769
The exact amount of time
Caroline's shower took.
261
00:11:29,770 --> 00:11:31,689
Oh, so it's my fault your boyfriend
262
00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:34,349
Freddy Krueger-ed all over me?
263
00:11:34,350 --> 00:11:36,269
Caroline, I am so sorry.
264
00:11:36,270 --> 00:11:37,689
That's okay, Randy.
265
00:11:37,690 --> 00:11:38,979
You can make it up to me.
266
00:11:38,980 --> 00:11:40,559
Right now!
267
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,849
I just so happen to have our
liquor license application,
268
00:11:42,850 --> 00:11:44,559
if you want to take a look-see.
269
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:47,660
Do you also want to be pinned
to that albino's sack, Caroline?
270
00:11:51,190 --> 00:11:52,769
Okay, coming through.
271
00:11:52,770 --> 00:11:54,330
Okay, let me clear a path.
272
00:11:57,350 --> 00:12:01,429
Now I know how my grandma Dorothy felt.
273
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:02,519
Oh, good, you're back.
274
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:03,849
Randy, are you okay?
275
00:12:03,850 --> 00:12:05,389
Oh, I'm fine.
276
00:12:05,390 --> 00:12:07,189
Did some shopping after you left the ER.
277
00:12:07,190 --> 00:12:09,929
Like my new bag?
278
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,269
Ooh.
279
00:12:11,270 --> 00:12:12,493
If you need a clutch to match,
280
00:12:12,494 --> 00:12:15,849
I have something similar in Ziploc.
281
00:12:15,850 --> 00:12:18,639
Because the nail was
rusted and the open wound
282
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:21,849
touched our floor, they gave
Randy an IV of antibiotics.
283
00:12:21,850 --> 00:12:25,349
And not even a whisper
of Vicodin for old Maxie.
284
00:12:25,350 --> 00:12:27,429
Well, Max, one of us has to go to work
285
00:12:27,430 --> 00:12:29,389
and pretend both of us are there.
286
00:12:29,390 --> 00:12:30,729
Well, it's gonna have to be you.
287
00:12:30,730 --> 00:12:32,429
I can't leave Randy here.
288
00:12:32,430 --> 00:12:36,429
It's like a haunted house,
but the dangers are real.
289
00:12:36,430 --> 00:12:38,599
Max, you're going to work.
290
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,349
I'll be fine here.
291
00:12:40,350 --> 00:12:43,290
I had a time-share with Sean Penn.
292
00:12:45,230 --> 00:12:47,389
I'm not going anywhere.
293
00:12:47,390 --> 00:12:49,389
It's my fault you got
nailed in my apartment,
294
00:12:49,390 --> 00:12:51,849
and I'm staying here to protect you.
295
00:12:51,850 --> 00:12:54,019
You're going to work.
296
00:12:54,020 --> 00:12:55,769
I'll be okay.
297
00:12:55,770 --> 00:12:57,729
But you're very cute
when you're worried.
298
00:12:57,730 --> 00:13:00,290
Like when you thought the hotel
didn't get Cartoon Network.
299
00:13:01,390 --> 00:13:02,929
All right, fine.
300
00:13:02,930 --> 00:13:05,019
But call me if you need me to come back.
301
00:13:05,020 --> 00:13:07,620
I'll tell Han I'm working the
rest of my shift from home.
302
00:13:14,575 --> 00:13:15,914
Oh, my God!
303
00:13:15,915 --> 00:13:17,395
I just remembered I didn't tell Randy
304
00:13:17,396 --> 00:13:18,721
about the pothole in my bedroom.
305
00:13:18,722 --> 00:13:20,356
Max, relax.
306
00:13:20,357 --> 00:13:21,806
I haven't seen you this anxious
307
00:13:21,807 --> 00:13:23,999
since the Dominos
pizza tracker went down.
308
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,539
Look, woman!
309
00:13:25,540 --> 00:13:27,999
Randy came to New York to see
if our relationship could work,
310
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:29,600
but we never should
have left that hotel.
311
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,784
It's like when you go to
Vegas and wander off the strip
312
00:13:31,785 --> 00:13:33,459
and wind up in a
residential neighborhood.
313
00:13:33,460 --> 00:13:35,459
You can't come back from that.
314
00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:38,789
It's how I wound up living
two years in someone's shed.
315
00:13:38,790 --> 00:13:41,209
I suppose the motivational newsletter
316
00:13:41,210 --> 00:13:43,419
I sent out this morning
didn't do any good.
317
00:13:43,420 --> 00:13:47,539
I don't even know why I bother
publishing What's Going Han?
318
00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:51,079
I like the comic strip
about the fat squirrel.
319
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,669
That picture was me!
320
00:13:53,670 --> 00:13:56,789
It can't be you; he had nuts.
321
00:13:56,790 --> 00:13:59,579
And that lady at table four ordered
322
00:13:59,580 --> 00:14:02,770
before she started knitting
that sweater she's now wearing.
323
00:14:06,670 --> 00:14:07,959
Oh, good, it's Randy.
324
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,579
Hey, I forgot to tell you,
325
00:14:09,580 --> 00:14:11,039
you can't drink the tap water
326
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,459
within five minutes
after flushing the toilet.
327
00:14:13,460 --> 00:14:15,959
Well, can you make yourself throw up?
328
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,959
Pickup: breakfast burrito.
329
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,339
Randy called our landlord
330
00:14:22,340 --> 00:14:24,499
to complain about Nail Patrick Harris!
331
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:27,629
I'd rather see him host
something than Ricky Gervais.
332
00:14:27,630 --> 00:14:30,629
We get it: you're mean, you fat bastard.
333
00:14:30,630 --> 00:14:32,919
Randy called the landlord?
334
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,459
But we're illegal subletters!
335
00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:36,379
We're squatters there!
336
00:14:36,380 --> 00:14:38,379
And over most toilets.
337
00:14:38,380 --> 00:14:40,363
Come on, Caroline, we have
to get to the apartment
338
00:14:40,364 --> 00:14:42,539
before the landlord does.
339
00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:43,709
You're leaving?
340
00:14:43,710 --> 00:14:45,959
The tollbooth operator who won Powerball
341
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,060
stayed at their job longer.
342
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,669
Randy, we got to go!
343
00:14:52,670 --> 00:14:55,079
I'll start packing!
You saddle up Chestnut.
344
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,579
Yeah, I know the drill:
one pair of shoes,
345
00:14:56,580 --> 00:14:58,169
something you can carry on your back,
346
00:14:58,170 --> 00:14:59,499
and a sun hat for Guatemala...
347
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:01,680
I mean, wherever we're headed.
348
00:15:03,130 --> 00:15:05,499
Randy, you better drink up
the rest of the that IV fluid,
349
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,660
'cause carrying that around
is just gonna slow us down.
350
00:15:07,661 --> 00:15:09,040
Max, what in the hell is going on?
351
00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:10,339
Why are you freaking out?
352
00:15:10,340 --> 00:15:12,129
I called the landlord about a nail,
353
00:15:12,130 --> 00:15:14,379
not the FBI about your passport...
354
00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:17,039
Frank Delaport.
355
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,579
Randy, we're not on the
lease to this apartment.
356
00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:20,999
Oh...
357
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,039
Okay, I'm ready.
358
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:24,959
I just need ten minutes
to saddle up Chestnut.
359
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,539
It'll give me time
to practice my accent.
360
00:15:27,540 --> 00:15:28,919
We're totally screwed now.
361
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,459
Thanks a lot.
362
00:15:30,460 --> 00:15:32,539
This is why we should
have stayed in the hotel.
363
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:36,039
You could have screwed me
there and I would have loved it.
364
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:37,499
Max, I just didn't want you
365
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:39,629
to live with a nail
sticking out of your floor,
366
00:15:39,630 --> 00:15:41,379
and I knew you wouldn't fix it yourself.
367
00:15:41,380 --> 00:15:43,129
What is that supposed to mean?
368
00:15:43,130 --> 00:15:44,419
It's like you don't realize
369
00:15:44,420 --> 00:15:45,839
you don't have to live like this.
370
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,419
Oh, great.
371
00:15:47,420 --> 00:15:48,709
It's like I'm in a relationship
372
00:15:48,710 --> 00:15:51,230
with my high school guidance counselor.
373
00:15:53,250 --> 00:15:55,640
Again.
374
00:15:57,460 --> 00:15:59,419
You know, your life can
be a whole lot better
375
00:15:59,420 --> 00:16:00,999
than you think it can be.
376
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,919
Why don't you just hammer the nail in?
377
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,379
Because we are used to it.
378
00:16:05,380 --> 00:16:09,289
We just ignore it, like
the rain in my bedroom.
379
00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:11,669
I knew my apartment
would be too real for you,
380
00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:13,890
and now it's not even
gonna be my apartment.
381
00:16:15,210 --> 00:16:18,459
All right, Max.
382
00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:20,209
I put the double saddle on Chestnut,
383
00:16:20,210 --> 00:16:21,839
filled the satchel with trail mix.
384
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,709
That should get us to the
George Washington Bridge.
385
00:16:26,630 --> 00:16:29,039
Nobody has to go anywhere.
386
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:31,520
Not even your friend, the giant piñata.
387
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,129
- Let me deal with this.
- But...
388
00:16:35,130 --> 00:16:36,249
we've never met this guy!
389
00:16:36,250 --> 00:16:37,629
All we know about him
390
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,999
is that even the guy
in 2A is afraid of him,
391
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,999
and he was married to Kirstie Alley.
392
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,379
I can handle myself.
393
00:16:44,380 --> 00:16:46,789
Hand me my fluids.
394
00:16:46,790 --> 00:16:49,600
That sounded not manly.
395
00:16:51,790 --> 00:16:53,520
Hey, sport, thanks for coming.
396
00:16:55,420 --> 00:16:56,803
He can't talk his way out of this.
397
00:16:56,804 --> 00:16:58,129
He's wasting his time.
398
00:16:58,130 --> 00:16:59,793
He might as well be
trying to teach shapes
399
00:16:59,794 --> 00:17:01,579
to Kendall Jenner.
400
00:17:01,580 --> 00:17:03,680
No, no, you listen!
401
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,749
Well, Randy's dead.
402
00:17:07,750 --> 00:17:11,539
No matter how many boyfriends
I bury, it's never easy.
403
00:17:11,540 --> 00:17:13,919
I can't believe we're
getting kicked out like this.
404
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,669
In my fantasy, I bought the building
405
00:17:15,670 --> 00:17:17,600
and opened a sadness museum.
406
00:17:20,420 --> 00:17:22,579
Okay, that's it.
407
00:17:22,580 --> 00:17:23,669
Took care of the landlord.
408
00:17:23,670 --> 00:17:26,669
You killed him?
409
00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:28,413
I'll call Oleg; we'll
get his friend's truck
410
00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:30,339
and take it from here.
411
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:32,789
Okay, first, I believe that you have
412
00:17:32,790 --> 00:17:35,959
and would cover up a murder.
413
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,289
But nobody's dead.
414
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:38,833
I just explained to him the situation,
415
00:17:38,834 --> 00:17:40,339
and you're not getting kicked out.
416
00:17:40,340 --> 00:17:42,083
All right, which one
of us has to marry him?
417
00:17:42,084 --> 00:17:45,499
I'll go get my wedding sweatpants.
418
00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:47,749
I just explained to
him that I'm a lawyer
419
00:17:47,750 --> 00:17:49,749
who sustained an injury on his property.
420
00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:52,129
Then I mentioned the
faulty wiring, the gas leak,
421
00:17:52,130 --> 00:17:53,459
the various wildlife living here,
422
00:17:53,460 --> 00:17:56,579
and, oh... that I'm a lawyer.
423
00:17:56,580 --> 00:17:59,879
The word "lawyer" makes
people crap their pants.
424
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:03,209
It's like the juice
cleanse of professions.
425
00:18:03,210 --> 00:18:06,289
And that is why you get the
next two months rent-free,
426
00:18:06,290 --> 00:18:07,890
and you are now officially on the lease.
427
00:18:07,914 --> 00:18:09,669
We're on the lease?
428
00:18:09,670 --> 00:18:10,999
We're legit?
429
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,669
I have never been legit.
430
00:18:12,670 --> 00:18:14,289
According to my birth certificate,
431
00:18:14,290 --> 00:18:16,999
I'm actually a Cabbage Patch doll.
432
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,379
Thank you so much, Randy.
433
00:18:18,380 --> 00:18:20,379
I'm gonna go tell
Chestnut the good news.
434
00:18:20,380 --> 00:18:21,419
Chestnut!
435
00:18:21,420 --> 00:18:23,039
How about that?
436
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,499
Your new name doesn't have to be Pablo.
437
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:27,959
Thank you.
438
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:29,503
I don't know what she would have done.
439
00:18:29,504 --> 00:18:31,959
She is not made for the streets.
440
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,680
She's not even made for polyester.
441
00:18:35,670 --> 00:18:37,419
This is awkward.
442
00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:40,669
Just trying to get a horse
out of a tiny doorway.
443
00:18:40,670 --> 00:18:42,459
All right, up.
444
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:44,459
I have to get back to the hotel.
445
00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:46,379
Have you seen my protective bootie?
446
00:18:46,380 --> 00:18:49,879
Wait, why are you taking your
booties back to the hotel?
447
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,669
Well, you're obviously not
comfortable with me being here.
448
00:18:52,670 --> 00:18:54,579
No one's comfortable being here.
449
00:18:54,580 --> 00:18:56,180
It's here.
450
00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:59,459
Look, Max.
451
00:18:59,460 --> 00:19:01,839
I wanted to stay here because
I wanted to see how you live.
452
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,560
Now I know you live on an
Indian food burial ground.
453
00:19:07,420 --> 00:19:08,839
You know what? You're right.
454
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,379
My life can be better.
455
00:19:11,380 --> 00:19:14,749
We don't have hammer money yet, so...
456
00:19:18,580 --> 00:19:20,289
You know what time it is?
457
00:19:20,290 --> 00:19:22,539
It's hammer time!
458
00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:24,839
Well, that's the end
of Nail Patrick Harris.
459
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,499
Are you kidding?
460
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:29,749
With charisma like that,
he's not going anywhere.
461
00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:32,669
I think we just got
through our first fight.
462
00:19:32,670 --> 00:19:34,579
And only one of us had
to go to the hospital,
463
00:19:34,580 --> 00:19:36,129
so I think that's pretty good.
464
00:19:36,130 --> 00:19:38,459
I think that is pretty good.
465
00:19:38,460 --> 00:19:40,709
You know what else I think?
466
00:19:40,710 --> 00:19:43,339
I love you.
467
00:19:43,340 --> 00:19:45,730
I love you too.
468
00:19:47,290 --> 00:19:48,629
Aw!
469
00:19:48,630 --> 00:19:50,459
That is so sweet.
470
00:19:50,460 --> 00:19:51,723
I'll give you two some privacy.
471
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,164
I'll be in my room.
472
00:19:55,500 --> 00:19:57,459
Caroline...
473
00:19:57,460 --> 00:20:01,039
Even as a mime, you're still hot.
474
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,169
While you were at work, I
filled out your application
475
00:20:03,170 --> 00:20:05,129
for the liquor license.
476
00:20:05,130 --> 00:20:08,539
Randy, I love you too.
477
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:11,419
Sorry, the walls are
thin, and I was listening.
478
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:15,539
Hey, girls.
479
00:20:15,540 --> 00:20:19,499
And Randy. Oh...
480
00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:21,749
I'm gonna need my duffle bag back.
481
00:20:21,750 --> 00:20:23,839
I hate to be an Uzbeki-giver,
482
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:27,940
but I really miss my vibrating pearl.
483
00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:32,499
Are these supposed to
be doing other things?
484
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:35,249
Oh, no, does this mean
you want your swords back?
485
00:20:35,250 --> 00:20:37,879
'Cause I was gonna
butter some toast later.
486
00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,039
I'm sorry, Caroline.
487
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,419
We really missed our sex toys.
488
00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:45,770
It's not as exciting when I just
put double-A batteries in Oleg.
489
00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:54,629
That's weird.
490
00:20:54,630 --> 00:20:57,249
Sophie's the one with sex toys,
I'm the one with the boyfriend,
491
00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,560
and Caroline's the one who's wet.
492
00:21:05,674 --> 00:21:12,674
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