1
00:00:05,862 --> 00:00:07,401
Caroline, I'm home!
2
00:00:07,402 --> 00:00:10,531
I mean, I'm hotel!
3
00:00:10,532 --> 00:00:11,901
(Caroline) I'm upstairs,
4
00:00:11,902 --> 00:00:14,321
because we have an upstairs!
5
00:00:14,322 --> 00:00:16,667
Thank you for losing all
your money so Hollywood
6
00:00:16,668 --> 00:00:19,768
would buy your story and I
could buy all the pot I want.
7
00:00:22,168 --> 00:00:24,207
Hello, darling. You're just in time
8
00:00:24,208 --> 00:00:26,308
for my big Hollywood entrance.
9
00:00:27,668 --> 00:00:30,707
Hold up, Greta Garbage.
10
00:00:30,708 --> 00:00:33,207
I just want to tell Earl about
the pot sitch out here.
11
00:00:33,208 --> 00:00:36,127
He'll think it's high-larious.
12
00:00:36,128 --> 00:00:39,148
You never want to watch me walk.
13
00:00:40,668 --> 00:00:42,257
What up, Earl? It's your girl, Max,
14
00:00:42,258 --> 00:00:45,625
calling from Holly-weed, Cali-juana.
15
00:00:46,458 --> 00:00:49,087
Hey, Max, it's not the
same without you here.
16
00:00:49,088 --> 00:00:51,997
A lot less customers crying.
17
00:00:51,998 --> 00:00:53,257
Listen to this!
18
00:00:53,258 --> 00:00:56,257
They just give you pot cards out here.
19
00:00:56,258 --> 00:01:00,257
All I had to say was "Sure, I get sad."
20
00:01:00,258 --> 00:01:04,033
Hey, I'm an 80-year-old man
working at a dead-end diner.
21
00:01:04,034 --> 00:01:06,268
I bet I'd get two cards.
22
00:01:08,918 --> 00:01:11,702
Is that Max? Let me talk to her.
23
00:01:12,458 --> 00:01:16,257
I can't find my white golf
glove, and I know you took it!
24
00:01:17,128 --> 00:01:19,167
Han, keep your panties on.
25
00:01:19,168 --> 00:01:21,877
I have no idea where your glove is.
26
00:01:21,878 --> 00:01:23,587
Oh, I'm driving through the hills.
27
00:01:23,588 --> 00:01:27,376
I'm... breaking... up. Aah... uhh...
28
00:01:28,298 --> 00:01:31,797
Okay, here comes my big
Hollywood entrance.
29
00:01:31,798 --> 00:01:35,018
Hello, darling... I hope I
haven't kept you waiting.
30
00:01:38,878 --> 00:01:40,457
[applause]
31
00:01:40,458 --> 00:01:42,699
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
32
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:46,877
Uh-huh.
33
00:01:46,878 --> 00:01:49,268
I'm head over heels
for Hollywood, baby.
34
00:01:51,458 --> 00:01:53,587
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
35
00:01:53,588 --> 00:01:55,167
[cash register bell dings]
36
00:01:55,168 --> 00:02:01,443
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
37
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,215
Just put it wherever you
would usually put things
38
00:02:10,216 --> 00:02:12,415
for, like, a big Hollywood
meeting with screenwriters
39
00:02:12,416 --> 00:02:14,755
who are writing your life story.
40
00:02:14,756 --> 00:02:16,226
So, the counter?
41
00:02:17,836 --> 00:02:19,215
Go with your instincts.
42
00:02:19,216 --> 00:02:20,625
If I'd gone with my instincts,
43
00:02:20,626 --> 00:02:23,085
I would've finished nursing college.
44
00:02:23,086 --> 00:02:26,310
Another reason I love LA?
We just had brunch at a place
45
00:02:26,311 --> 00:02:29,309
where you can valet park your dog.
46
00:02:29,310 --> 00:02:31,809
Oh, my God, Max, are
those new sunglasses?
47
00:02:31,810 --> 00:02:34,069
Randy got them for me.
48
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:37,599
I had to. Your other pair of sunglasses
49
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,189
were being held together by willpower,
50
00:02:40,190 --> 00:02:42,245
and four-week-old gum.
51
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,189
Can you have dinner tonight?
52
00:02:45,190 --> 00:02:47,809
Ah, would that mean I have
to have sex with you again?
53
00:02:47,810 --> 00:02:49,240
Because the answer is yes.
54
00:02:50,940 --> 00:02:52,809
Max, you're going out with Randy again?
55
00:02:52,810 --> 00:02:55,139
I've barely seen you since we got here.
56
00:02:55,140 --> 00:02:57,984
And I've seen David
Schwimmer four times.
57
00:02:58,190 --> 00:03:00,189
I've never met David Schwimmer,
58
00:03:00,190 --> 00:03:02,493
which is weird 'cause I'm
pretty sure I'm his lawyer.
59
00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:06,019
Why don't you come to dinner with us?
60
00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:07,729
Would that mean she has
to have sex with you again?
61
00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:10,269
Because that's a yes!
62
00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:11,809
Actually, now I think of it,
63
00:03:11,810 --> 00:03:13,309
I can set you up with
an old friend of mine.
64
00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:15,139
He is big in this town.
65
00:03:15,140 --> 00:03:17,639
Deli-sandwich-named-after-him big.
66
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,099
If you start dating a big sandwich,
67
00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:22,349
I'm gonna be really jealous.
68
00:03:22,350 --> 00:03:24,139
- See you later?
- Hey.
69
00:03:24,140 --> 00:03:25,580
My boobs are down here.
70
00:03:28,020 --> 00:03:29,399
Wear something cute.
71
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,950
[giggles] Okay.
72
00:03:34,350 --> 00:03:36,899
Last time a guy told you
to wear something cute,
73
00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:39,500
You said, "Like what? Yo nuts?"
74
00:03:42,230 --> 00:03:43,729
You really like this guy.
75
00:03:43,730 --> 00:03:45,439
Oh, can you just not ruin this for me
76
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,214
by pointing out what's good about it?
77
00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:49,019
- Ooh, snacks.
- No, don't eat those.
78
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,639
That's for the meeting
with the writers.
79
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,382
Writers are actors who gave up,
so they're allowed to eat.
80
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:56,229
Can we talk about casting
with these writers?
81
00:03:56,230 --> 00:03:58,479
Because for once,
I want a name to play me,
82
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:02,115
not just some lady who falls
out of her tube top on "Cops."
83
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:05,139
Hi, everybody!
84
00:04:05,140 --> 00:04:07,349
[audience cheers]
85
00:04:07,350 --> 00:04:09,309
Sophie, I thought you were
gonna be at the healer
86
00:04:09,310 --> 00:04:10,479
who's gonna help you get pregnant
87
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,139
until well after our meeting.
88
00:04:13,140 --> 00:04:16,189
Well, you're wrong.
89
00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:19,559
Yeah.
90
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,139
My healer had to cancel.
91
00:04:22,140 --> 00:04:26,152
She's trying to get Kim
Kardashian pregnant again.
92
00:04:26,230 --> 00:04:28,399
Or is it Kanye?
93
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,106
I forget which one's the girl.
94
00:04:32,020 --> 00:04:34,019
I'm pretty sure it's Kanye,
because he's the one
95
00:04:34,020 --> 00:04:36,182
that goes crazy once a month.
96
00:04:38,810 --> 00:04:40,559
[knocking on door]
97
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,139
This is so exciting.
Our movie meeting is happening!
98
00:04:43,140 --> 00:04:44,519
This is exciting.
99
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:45,939
I've never been in a hotel meeting
100
00:04:45,940 --> 00:04:47,450
that didn't start on Craigslist.
101
00:04:49,980 --> 00:04:52,189
- Hi!
- Hi, I'm Leslie.
102
00:04:52,190 --> 00:04:54,229
This is Jason. He's my partner.
103
00:04:54,230 --> 00:04:56,019
Writing partner. To be clear,
104
00:04:56,020 --> 00:04:57,787
I only date models.
105
00:04:58,350 --> 00:05:00,190
Hand models, to be clear.
106
00:05:00,810 --> 00:05:02,979
Come on in.
107
00:05:02,980 --> 00:05:04,809
I'm Caroline Channing.
108
00:05:04,810 --> 00:05:07,639
You probably recognize
me from Google Images.
109
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,019
The photo of me being dragged
out of Barneys crying
110
00:05:10,020 --> 00:05:12,330
with my cut up credit cards is classic.
111
00:05:16,310 --> 00:05:18,349
And I'm Max Black.
If you Google Image me,
112
00:05:18,350 --> 00:05:21,362
you'll see the Canadian dude
I stole my identity from.
113
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:25,309
You're hot. Are you a model?
114
00:05:25,310 --> 00:05:27,309
That is so unprofessional.
115
00:05:27,310 --> 00:05:29,139
Right. Like I'm the one who has to stay
116
00:05:29,140 --> 00:05:31,927
500 feet away from Fred Savage.
117
00:05:32,190 --> 00:05:34,189
He's just so darn cute!
118
00:05:34,190 --> 00:05:35,942
Anyway, hi.
119
00:05:36,190 --> 00:05:38,139
Hi, okay, yeah.
Let's switch focus and sit
120
00:05:38,140 --> 00:05:40,689
and talk movie.
121
00:05:40,690 --> 00:05:43,479
I already came up with my
character's catch phrase.
122
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,639
I think every time I leave
the room, I should say
123
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:49,229
"Jigga jigga damn."
124
00:05:49,230 --> 00:05:51,639
We thought it was just
gonna be us and Caroline,
125
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,099
not that you're not fun and fabulous.
126
00:05:54,100 --> 00:05:55,950
You're like a sober Megan Fox.
127
00:05:58,270 --> 00:06:00,769
I'm confused.
I assumed you wanted to meet
128
00:06:00,770 --> 00:06:02,349
with both of us because, you know,
129
00:06:02,350 --> 00:06:05,139
Max is a huge part of the story.
130
00:06:05,140 --> 00:06:07,660
Stop texting. Help me.
131
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:10,639
This is just a boring, preliminary,
132
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:11,986
get-to-know-you meeting.
133
00:06:11,987 --> 00:06:13,915
- It would really be better if...
- I wasn't here.
134
00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:16,519
Yeah, I get it.
I know when I'm not wanted.
135
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,479
That's why I high-tailed it
out of my mother's womb.
136
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,849
Anyway, I have a big
Hollywood meeting myself.
137
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:25,269
- You do?
- Uh, yeah.
138
00:06:25,270 --> 00:06:27,059
I have an appointment
to go stand in line
139
00:06:27,060 --> 00:06:29,309
for a little thing called
"The Price Is Right."
140
00:06:29,310 --> 00:06:30,689
You ever heard of it?
141
00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:32,410
Ah, you know you have.
142
00:06:34,190 --> 00:06:35,519
Max, you don't have to go.
143
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,139
It's cool, it's cool.
144
00:06:37,140 --> 00:06:39,139
And with that, let me just say,
145
00:06:39,140 --> 00:06:40,908
jigga jigga damn.
146
00:06:42,060 --> 00:06:43,849
So, here's the thing.
147
00:06:43,850 --> 00:06:46,639
Your friend's character
is not in the movie.
148
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:50,269
We don't have to do that
"jigga jigga damn" thing.
149
00:06:50,270 --> 00:06:52,899
To be honest, I've never
heard her say that.
150
00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:55,349
Nothing personal to your friend.
151
00:06:55,350 --> 00:06:58,849
- She's hot.
- We get it!
152
00:06:58,850 --> 00:07:02,269
But Jennifer Lawrence is
interested in playing you.
153
00:07:02,270 --> 00:07:04,809
And she wants to do a
brave, no-makeup role.
154
00:07:04,810 --> 00:07:06,979
Without a co-star.
155
00:07:06,980 --> 00:07:10,139
Jennifer Lawrence wants to play me?
156
00:07:10,140 --> 00:07:11,540
Jigga jigga damn!
157
00:07:19,161 --> 00:07:22,010
♪
♪
158
00:07:26,501 --> 00:07:28,460
So you want to sleep
over again tonight?
159
00:07:28,461 --> 00:07:30,630
Think your mom will let you?
160
00:07:30,631 --> 00:07:33,580
Maybe. She let me get a job at five.
161
00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:37,750
You guys are sitting on
the same side of the table?
162
00:07:37,751 --> 00:07:40,630
Max, you've kicked people
out of the diner for that!
163
00:07:40,631 --> 00:07:43,130
And it was a boy and his Nana.
164
00:07:43,131 --> 00:07:45,630
I've sat next to people
before at dinner.
165
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,893
They kind of make you at the shelter.
166
00:07:48,881 --> 00:07:50,670
Some wine?
167
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:54,980
Wine that's not from a box?
That's a yes!
168
00:07:55,761 --> 00:07:58,250
Anyway, how was "The Price Is Right"?
169
00:07:58,251 --> 00:08:03,750
Did you get to meet the host,
I want to say Alex Sajack?
170
00:08:03,751 --> 00:08:05,380
Control that temper, Max.
171
00:08:05,381 --> 00:08:08,000
It's Drew Carey,
and he gets housewives wet
172
00:08:08,001 --> 00:08:09,681
five days a week... know the facts.
173
00:08:12,131 --> 00:08:14,840
But I showed up too late,
so I got to go back tomorrow.
174
00:08:14,841 --> 00:08:16,920
I was thinking of wearing
a shirt that said
175
00:08:16,921 --> 00:08:19,811
"One in the Plinko, two in the stinko."
176
00:08:22,081 --> 00:08:25,614
How about I buy you a lifetime
supply of Rice-A-Roni?
177
00:08:25,961 --> 00:08:29,391
Aw. I don't think you realize
how much Rice-A-Roni I can eat.
178
00:08:30,881 --> 00:08:33,000
Oh, there's Bob.
179
00:08:33,001 --> 00:08:35,750
Bob! We're over here.
180
00:08:35,751 --> 00:08:38,290
Oh, hey there, hot shot.
181
00:08:38,291 --> 00:08:41,130
[cheers and applause]
182
00:08:41,131 --> 00:08:44,750
Is that my date Bob,
or a different Bob?
183
00:08:44,751 --> 00:08:47,880
I need that to be a different Bob.
184
00:08:47,881 --> 00:08:50,794
I think that's the very first Bob.
185
00:08:51,041 --> 00:08:53,383
It was Adam, Eve, and Bob.
186
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:56,500
Caroline, this is Bob.
187
00:08:56,501 --> 00:09:00,080
- Bob, meet Caroline Channing.
- Nice to meet you.
188
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:01,941
Not a lot on top.
189
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,311
I hope he means I'm stupid.
190
00:09:08,211 --> 00:09:11,210
Wow. If me and Randy are May-December,
191
00:09:11,211 --> 00:09:13,181
you two are May-Dead.
192
00:09:18,081 --> 00:09:21,840
Marlon Brando played the
pants off the Godfather.
193
00:09:21,841 --> 00:09:24,710
You bet your ass he did.
194
00:09:24,711 --> 00:09:28,630
At the end of the day,
he was kissing my ring.
195
00:09:28,631 --> 00:09:30,460
Speaking of kissing,
I haven't gotten one
196
00:09:30,461 --> 00:09:33,920
since that time Bob did
heroin with the Stones.
197
00:09:33,921 --> 00:09:38,181
I think you mean the time the
Stones did heroin with Bob.
198
00:09:44,711 --> 00:09:46,681
Getting any ideas?
199
00:09:50,251 --> 00:09:53,061
Yeah, that I want to die before 60.
200
00:09:54,251 --> 00:09:55,880
Anybody want to do a little blow?
201
00:09:55,881 --> 00:09:57,061
[chokes]
202
00:09:59,041 --> 00:10:01,580
I'm gonna pass.
We have to be careful, Bob.
203
00:10:01,581 --> 00:10:03,391
Some of us are capable of dying.
204
00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:09,815
I'm gonna pass as well.
I don't do snorties.
205
00:10:10,291 --> 00:10:13,262
Even I'm scared of how
much talking there'd be.
206
00:10:13,791 --> 00:10:16,561
Toot, toot. The train is leaving.
207
00:10:18,841 --> 00:10:20,920
Um, Randy?
208
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:22,840
It was really nice of you to set me up,
209
00:10:22,841 --> 00:10:24,710
but what the hell were you thinking?
210
00:10:24,711 --> 00:10:27,080
There's a 100-year age difference!
211
00:10:27,081 --> 00:10:29,960
Caroline, this is Hollywood.
212
00:10:29,961 --> 00:10:31,710
Age doesn't matter.
213
00:10:31,711 --> 00:10:34,380
Unless you're a woman.
214
00:10:34,381 --> 00:10:36,880
Plus, Bob's got a lot of connections.
215
00:10:36,881 --> 00:10:39,380
He could really help
you with your deal.
216
00:10:39,381 --> 00:10:43,380
I'm not gonna sleep with
God's college roommate
217
00:10:43,381 --> 00:10:46,170
to get ahead in Hollywood.
218
00:10:46,171 --> 00:10:49,141
I think sleeping's pretty
much all you'd have to do.
219
00:10:52,001 --> 00:10:54,000
Never got to the blow.
220
00:10:54,001 --> 00:10:56,290
Ran into my fourth ex-wife,
only this time
221
00:10:56,291 --> 00:10:59,271
it wasn't with the moose
bumper on my Range Rover.
222
00:11:02,251 --> 00:11:04,601
You're still driving?
223
00:11:06,961 --> 00:11:08,540
What are you dolls doing in Hollywood?
224
00:11:08,541 --> 00:11:12,340
You girls like a sister
act or something?
225
00:11:12,341 --> 00:11:14,750
Kind of. They're making
a movie about us,
226
00:11:14,751 --> 00:11:17,000
So, what did the writers say?
227
00:11:17,001 --> 00:11:19,681
What did they think about
Zach Galifianakis playing me?
228
00:11:21,461 --> 00:11:23,170
Well, it's nothing personal,
229
00:11:23,171 --> 00:11:25,920
but the writers don't
feel like you're...
230
00:11:25,921 --> 00:11:29,116
It's just, there's so much story.
231
00:11:29,541 --> 00:11:32,000
There's a lot of characters already.
232
00:11:32,001 --> 00:11:35,500
You're out of the picture, kid.
233
00:11:35,501 --> 00:11:36,920
Really? I'm out?
234
00:11:36,921 --> 00:11:40,750
Max, I'm sorry.
I told them you are crucial.
235
00:11:40,751 --> 00:11:43,000
But then they said maybe
Jennifer Lawrence would play me
236
00:11:43,001 --> 00:11:44,920
and I kind of blacked out after that.
237
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:47,460
Hey, I've been cut out of
a lot of life stories,
238
00:11:47,461 --> 00:11:50,290
like my mom's,
every time she met a guy.
239
00:11:50,291 --> 00:11:52,561
I was just her two-year-old
cleaning lady.
240
00:11:54,251 --> 00:11:56,880
Max, this is just the
way Hollywood works.
241
00:11:56,881 --> 00:11:59,000
Bob, you know how Hollywood is.
242
00:11:59,001 --> 00:12:00,851
You were there when it started.
243
00:12:02,881 --> 00:12:04,750
It's cool, it's cool. Randy, you ready?
244
00:12:04,751 --> 00:12:07,880
Yeah, we're gonna take off
before the next story, Bob.
245
00:12:07,881 --> 00:12:09,130
I can only hear about that three-way
246
00:12:09,131 --> 00:12:11,731
with Gavin MacLeod so many times.
247
00:12:12,841 --> 00:12:13,920
Plus, I have to get up early
248
00:12:13,921 --> 00:12:15,580
to get in line for
"The Price Is Right."
249
00:12:15,581 --> 00:12:19,170
I used to babysit little Bobby Barker.
250
00:12:19,171 --> 00:12:21,210
Max, don't leave.
Stay for another drink.
251
00:12:21,211 --> 00:12:22,351
Nah, I'm out.
252
00:12:24,251 --> 00:12:27,851
Wow, you could cut that
tension with my coke blade.
253
00:12:29,841 --> 00:12:31,790
Max is tough. We're a team.
254
00:12:31,791 --> 00:12:33,460
We've been through a lot together,
255
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:36,420
including a car wash
that time our shower broke.
256
00:12:36,421 --> 00:12:38,380
You'll be fine, kid.
257
00:12:38,381 --> 00:12:39,460
You're gonna have plenty of friends
258
00:12:39,461 --> 00:12:41,000
when your movie comes out,
259
00:12:41,001 --> 00:12:43,920
and for six months after that.
260
00:12:43,921 --> 00:12:46,920
I don't need fake friends. I have Max.
261
00:12:46,921 --> 00:12:50,540
That's what Wesley Snipes
said about Jane Fonda.
262
00:12:50,541 --> 00:12:54,113
- They're not friends.
- You bet your ass they're not.
263
00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:07,680
[people muttering, shouting]
264
00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:09,789
I thought you weren't gonna have time
265
00:13:09,790 --> 00:13:11,499
to be on "The Price Is Right,"
266
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:16,379
with Caroline's big and
I'm assuming boring movie.
267
00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:18,789
Well, my schedule's wide open.
268
00:13:18,790 --> 00:13:20,999
When it comes to the movie,
I pulled out.
269
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,720
You know, like I always
tell guys I'm going to.
270
00:13:25,460 --> 00:13:27,329
Oh, it's Oleg.
271
00:13:27,330 --> 00:13:29,866
I bet you he wants to have phone sex.
272
00:13:30,420 --> 00:13:32,310
Is there anything I can lean on?
273
00:13:34,420 --> 00:13:35,619
(Oleg) Hey, Sophie.
274
00:13:35,620 --> 00:13:37,249
I was just making some baby back ribs
275
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,829
and I thought, ♪ I want my baby back ♪
276
00:13:40,830 --> 00:13:43,220
Then I pleasured myself
with an oven mitt.
277
00:13:45,250 --> 00:13:46,879
(Sophie) So, no sex?
278
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:48,879
'Cause I see a bench.
It's a perfect height,
279
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,419
and I can have Max
hold the phone for us.
280
00:13:52,420 --> 00:13:55,459
Is that Sophie? Is she with Max?
281
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,289
Give me that.
282
00:13:57,290 --> 00:14:02,057
It's Han, and you know sounds
even shorter long-distance.
283
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:06,919
Max, did you play with
the ringtone on my phone?
284
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,119
Every time it rings,
it makes sex sounds.
285
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:13,919
[woman whimpering]
286
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:17,749
Mother. I have to call you back.
287
00:14:17,750 --> 00:14:21,329
Sounds like she's doing
just fine on her own.
288
00:14:21,330 --> 00:14:23,419
How do I make the sex sounds stop?
289
00:14:23,420 --> 00:14:25,329
For you, it's a rare occurrence.
290
00:14:25,330 --> 00:14:28,100
Just leave it in your
pants and enjoy it.
291
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:31,879
- So, Max...
- (Max) Sorry, Han.
292
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,959
I can't hear you.
I'm driving through the hills.
293
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,849
I'm... breaking... up aah... ahh...
294
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:41,879
[woman whimpering]
295
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,560
I'm coming, Mother!
296
00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:47,999
Ooh, here comes the contestant picker.
297
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:49,879
Act like you're a stay-at-home
mom from the Midwest.
298
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,919
That's the "Price Is Right" sweet spot.
299
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,669
Okay, how's this?
300
00:14:53,670 --> 00:14:55,539
[in a Midwestern accent] Oh, God.
301
00:14:55,540 --> 00:14:59,579
Those little bastards are
just running me ragged.
302
00:14:59,580 --> 00:15:04,079
Both: Pick me! Pick me!
303
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:07,249
We got a lot of 12-year-old
boys playing sick at home.
304
00:15:07,250 --> 00:15:10,079
How long can you ladies
jump up and down for?
305
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,999
- 20 minutes.
- Step out of line.
306
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,249
What is that costume?
307
00:15:14,250 --> 00:15:18,789
Oh, this is home-bedazzled,
doncha know?
308
00:15:18,790 --> 00:15:20,959
Step out of line.
309
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,209
I'm just glad to be out of the house.
310
00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:25,459
Wait here. You're both in the mix.
311
00:15:25,460 --> 00:15:27,209
Practice being excited
to meet Drew Carey.
312
00:15:27,210 --> 00:15:29,289
He knows when you're faking it.
313
00:15:29,290 --> 00:15:32,539
My Bob never knows when I'm faking it.
314
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:35,060
Keep it up. I like your pepper.
315
00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:40,379
Max! I've been looking
all over for you.
316
00:15:40,380 --> 00:15:41,669
What are you doing here?
317
00:15:41,670 --> 00:15:43,249
This isn't a scene in the movie.
318
00:15:43,250 --> 00:15:45,249
I know, because I'm in it.
319
00:15:45,250 --> 00:15:47,999
Max, there would be
no movie without you.
320
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,044
There would also be no armed
guards at HomeTown Buffet.
321
00:15:51,045 --> 00:15:52,209
What's your point?
322
00:15:52,210 --> 00:15:54,079
I would've been here sooner,
323
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,959
but I just got back
from Vegas with Bob.
324
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,829
He lost $50,000,
325
00:15:58,830 --> 00:16:01,419
and somehow Faye Dunaway's Oscar.
326
00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:04,829
But Bob and I talked a lot about
friendship on the helicopter.
327
00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:06,749
You know, right after
I jump-started his heart
328
00:16:06,750 --> 00:16:08,619
with the epi pen.
329
00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:10,459
And you and I are not gonna be
330
00:16:10,460 --> 00:16:12,669
Winona Ryder and Gwyneth Paltrow.
331
00:16:12,670 --> 00:16:15,289
Or Sophie and Gwyneth Paltrow!
332
00:16:15,290 --> 00:16:17,539
That bitch.
333
00:16:17,540 --> 00:16:20,669
I was going to name
my first-born "Apple,"
334
00:16:20,670 --> 00:16:22,249
and she took it.
335
00:16:22,250 --> 00:16:25,060
Now I have to settle for "Fritter."
336
00:16:27,250 --> 00:16:30,249
I am not gonna sell out our
friendship for Hollywood.
337
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:32,329
Max, you're in the movie
and you're coming with me
338
00:16:32,330 --> 00:16:33,749
to the meeting to tell them that.
339
00:16:33,750 --> 00:16:36,749
But I'm in the mix.
They actually want me here.
340
00:16:36,750 --> 00:16:40,119
But I want you there.
341
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:43,709
I'm the stupid you should be with.
342
00:16:43,710 --> 00:16:45,499
All right, screw it.
343
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,039
Sophie, I'm gonna go with her.
344
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,379
Why stop making bad decisions now?
345
00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:54,430
All right, but I'm gonna have
to make another friend in line.
346
00:16:56,670 --> 00:16:59,239
[Midwestern accent] Hi, I'm Barb.
347
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:06,499
Oh, gosh, carpool and fluffernutter...
348
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:09,789
because soccer, right?
349
00:17:09,790 --> 00:17:12,789
[upbeat music]
350
00:17:12,790 --> 00:17:17,419
♪
♪
351
00:17:17,420 --> 00:17:20,379
Max, this is kind of our
first Hollywood party.
352
00:17:20,380 --> 00:17:23,169
I know. I wonder who I'll go home with.
353
00:17:23,170 --> 00:17:25,487
Probably Andrew Dice Clay again.
354
00:17:26,210 --> 00:17:27,329
Hey listen, this might be
355
00:17:27,330 --> 00:17:29,329
the sixth teeny, tiny, tequila talking,
356
00:17:29,330 --> 00:17:31,039
but thanks for standing up for me
357
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:33,789
and not letting those writers
cut me out of your life.
358
00:17:33,790 --> 00:17:36,539
Oh, Max, that means a lot.
359
00:17:36,540 --> 00:17:39,919
I love it when you're drunk and nice.
360
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,539
[phone ringing]
361
00:17:42,540 --> 00:17:44,579
Oh, no, it's Han.
362
00:17:44,580 --> 00:17:46,039
Wonder what he wants.
363
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,289
You think he finally realized
364
00:17:47,290 --> 00:17:48,999
I changed the outgoing
message on the diner
365
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:52,289
to "Welcome to Diarrhea-ville?"
366
00:17:52,290 --> 00:17:55,169
Max, I heard the outgoing message,
367
00:17:55,170 --> 00:17:59,419
and I found a series of Home
Alone-style traps in my office,
368
00:17:59,420 --> 00:18:02,999
each one more fiendishly
clever than the last.
369
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,919
And I don't know how you got
those goats in his office,
370
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:10,829
but we're having a hard
time getting them out.
371
00:18:10,830 --> 00:18:12,379
What's next, Max?
372
00:18:12,380 --> 00:18:15,209
What will finally bring me to my knees?
373
00:18:15,210 --> 00:18:17,720
I don't know. A guy who
kind of looks like a girl?
374
00:18:19,580 --> 00:18:22,079
Why are you doing all of this to me?
375
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,499
I just didn't want you to
forget me while I was away.
376
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:27,459
- Audience: Aw!
- Oh, Max.
377
00:18:27,460 --> 00:18:29,039
Now you've brought me to tears.
378
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,020
[goat bleating]
379
00:18:35,670 --> 00:18:37,770
Aah!
380
00:18:42,790 --> 00:18:45,419
Congratulations, Max.
381
00:18:45,420 --> 00:18:48,579
You finally got his goat.
382
00:18:48,580 --> 00:18:51,119
[whimpering]
383
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:52,560
Whoo! Aah!
384
00:18:54,580 --> 00:18:56,709
Somebody help me!
385
00:18:56,710 --> 00:18:58,419
Cover those nuts.
386
00:18:58,420 --> 00:19:00,220
You may need them one day.
387
00:19:02,250 --> 00:19:05,419
I like that you're a bi-coastal bully.
388
00:19:05,420 --> 00:19:06,879
That might be our sequel.
389
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,119
[knocking on door]
390
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,419
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
391
00:19:09,420 --> 00:19:11,329
I invited a couple of guys over.
392
00:19:11,330 --> 00:19:14,419
Who? I'm kind of seeing someone-ish.
393
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:16,180
It's Randy and Bob.
394
00:19:18,380 --> 00:19:20,879
Bob was real?
395
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,600
I thought he was a ghost.
396
00:19:24,790 --> 00:19:26,789
Hey, girls. I brought some bubbly
397
00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:28,749
to celebrate your victory today,
398
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:32,270
and Bob brought a wide variety
of opiates and stimulants.
399
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,789
Oh, I'm glad to see
you two stuck it out.
400
00:19:37,790 --> 00:19:39,709
True friendship is a rare thing.
401
00:19:39,710 --> 00:19:41,999
There's only one man I've ever trusted,
402
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,390
and that is Anjelica Huston.
403
00:19:45,790 --> 00:19:48,890
[helicopter whirring]
404
00:19:55,210 --> 00:19:57,419
Holy crap!
405
00:19:57,420 --> 00:19:59,350
I think God is here for Bob.
406
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,209
Is that chopper for you?
407
00:20:06,210 --> 00:20:08,379
You bet your ass it is.
408
00:20:08,380 --> 00:20:10,329
I'm going to Malibu.
409
00:20:10,330 --> 00:20:13,289
Susan Sarandon is ordering pizza.
410
00:20:13,290 --> 00:20:14,770
We're doing molly.
411
00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:18,459
Bob.
412
00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:21,329
Will I ever see you again?
413
00:20:21,330 --> 00:20:24,680
Slow down, pussycat. I'm just
getting out of something.
414
00:20:29,540 --> 00:20:32,169
That man sure knows
how to make an exit.
415
00:20:32,170 --> 00:20:35,119
Not from life,
but from everything else.
416
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,390
I gotta go, doll.
417
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,289
[audience hoots]
418
00:20:41,290 --> 00:20:44,249
Bob's gonna drop me off at home.
419
00:20:44,250 --> 00:20:47,100
Hopefully, I'll land
in my pool this time.
420
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:55,890
I don't know what it is,
but I'm crazy about Bob.
421
00:20:58,710 --> 00:21:00,289
Get it, girl.
422
00:21:00,290 --> 00:21:03,379
[upbeat music]
423
00:21:03,380 --> 00:21:05,480
♪
♪
424
00:21:05,676 --> 00:21:12,329
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.