1
00:00:02,578 --> 00:00:04,940
Ladies and waitresses,
2
00:00:04,941 --> 00:00:07,657
I am the great Han-dini!
3
00:00:08,214 --> 00:00:09,948
Somewhere there's a
top of a wedding cake
4
00:00:09,949 --> 00:00:11,454
missing its groom.
5
00:00:12,722 --> 00:00:14,678
I went to traffic school this weekend
6
00:00:14,679 --> 00:00:16,479
and was taught by a magician.
7
00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,815
My traffic school was
taught by a comedian.
8
00:00:18,816 --> 00:00:20,450
It wasn't funny, but at least I saw
9
00:00:20,451 --> 00:00:22,885
what Jon Lovitz was up to.
10
00:00:22,886 --> 00:00:25,021
Did you get a DWI?
11
00:00:25,022 --> 00:00:26,289
Driving while itty-bitty?
12
00:00:27,357 --> 00:00:29,859
I ran a series of red lights.
13
00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:33,429
I received word there had
been a Squirtle sighting.
14
00:00:33,430 --> 00:00:35,832
And now, I'm about to pull a rabbit
15
00:00:35,833 --> 00:00:38,000
- out of a hat.
- Big deal.
16
00:00:38,001 --> 00:00:39,968
I just pulled half a
raccoon out of the toilet.
17
00:00:42,138 --> 00:00:43,738
Presto!
18
00:00:45,174 --> 00:00:47,209
This is making me depressed-o.
19
00:00:48,211 --> 00:00:49,979
Where are you?
20
00:00:51,981 --> 00:00:53,516
Pick up.
21
00:00:53,517 --> 00:00:55,483
Salad with a rabbit on it.
22
00:00:59,722 --> 00:01:03,426
He just can't serve a
salad without a hare in it.
23
00:01:07,164 --> 00:01:12,979
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
24
00:01:19,859 --> 00:01:20,926
Amazing news:
25
00:01:20,927 --> 00:01:22,961
I found a penny.
26
00:01:22,962 --> 00:01:26,265
And our dessert bar is
in Time Out Magazine.
27
00:01:26,266 --> 00:01:27,866
Whoa! "Where are they now?
28
00:01:27,867 --> 00:01:30,369
Pizza Rat!"
29
00:01:30,370 --> 00:01:31,937
Not that. Our piece is right here
30
00:01:31,938 --> 00:01:33,805
next to this Walking Dead ad.
31
00:01:33,806 --> 00:01:35,539
Oh, wait, that's Michael Douglas.
32
00:01:37,542 --> 00:01:39,945
So, the walking dead.
33
00:01:39,946 --> 00:01:43,482
"Former scandal queen
Caroline Channing's
34
00:01:43,483 --> 00:01:45,506
cozy Brooklyn dessert bar,
M&C's, that's beaut..."
35
00:01:45,507 --> 00:01:47,753
"Caroline Channing's dessert bar"?
36
00:01:47,754 --> 00:01:49,588
This place isn't like
your sex life, Caroline.
37
00:01:49,589 --> 00:01:51,222
You're not doing it all by yourself.
38
00:01:52,491 --> 00:01:54,026
I don't even do it by myself anymore.
39
00:01:54,027 --> 00:01:56,461
I was talking too much,
40
00:01:56,462 --> 00:01:58,697
and, look, I mentioned you right here.
41
00:01:58,698 --> 00:02:00,465
"Partner."
42
00:02:00,466 --> 00:02:02,067
I'm more than just the partner,
43
00:02:02,068 --> 00:02:04,069
I'm the creative inspiration.
44
00:02:04,070 --> 00:02:05,804
I'm Steve Jobs and you're the fat guy
45
00:02:05,805 --> 00:02:06,904
that drives a Segway.
46
00:02:08,407 --> 00:02:09,841
I tried to include you.
47
00:02:09,842 --> 00:02:11,576
I told you the interview was on Monday,
48
00:02:11,577 --> 00:02:13,312
and you said that's your whippit night.
49
00:02:13,313 --> 00:02:15,045
Oh, I whipped it.
50
00:02:16,148 --> 00:02:17,281
Whipped it good.
51
00:02:19,985 --> 00:02:22,987
Caroline, back that ass up.
52
00:02:24,690 --> 00:02:26,992
I don't want anyone
too close to my baby.
53
00:02:26,993 --> 00:02:29,494
Is that why you dipped her in perfume?
54
00:02:29,495 --> 00:02:32,464
I want everyone to treat little Barbara
55
00:02:32,465 --> 00:02:33,965
like Mariah Carey
56
00:02:33,966 --> 00:02:36,268
and never look directly in her eyes.
57
00:02:36,269 --> 00:02:38,836
Is that why she's wearing sunglasses?
58
00:02:40,672 --> 00:02:42,174
I just got off.
59
00:02:42,175 --> 00:02:44,009
And also, I'm done with work.
60
00:02:44,010 --> 00:02:45,510
Okay.
61
00:02:45,511 --> 00:02:47,245
There's my girls.
62
00:02:47,246 --> 00:02:48,880
We're not your girls, Oleg.
63
00:02:48,881 --> 00:02:51,183
I have it in writing from a judge.
64
00:02:51,184 --> 00:02:53,852
Oleg, give her some space.
65
00:02:53,853 --> 00:02:57,055
Her spray tan hasn't even dried yet.
66
00:02:57,056 --> 00:03:00,192
Sophie, I've been reading
a parenting blog called
67
00:03:00,193 --> 00:03:02,961
"So, You've Ruined Your Life,"
68
00:03:02,962 --> 00:03:06,898
and they say it's very important
for a dad to bond with his baby.
69
00:03:06,899 --> 00:03:09,901
I think that's only true for human dads.
70
00:03:09,902 --> 00:03:12,738
Maybe you can bond with the baby later.
71
00:03:12,739 --> 00:03:14,638
You know, like, when she has a baby.
72
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,675
I can't wait 12 years.
73
00:03:19,411 --> 00:03:20,946
Sophie, I'm her father.
74
00:03:20,947 --> 00:03:22,414
I helped make her.
75
00:03:22,415 --> 00:03:25,183
This wasn't a Virgin Marski situation.
76
00:03:25,184 --> 00:03:27,785
There was nothing immaculate
about this conception.
77
00:03:29,287 --> 00:03:31,123
Well, the fun part's over now.
78
00:03:31,124 --> 00:03:32,957
Yeah, she's mine.
79
00:03:36,862 --> 00:03:38,996
Excuse you.
80
00:03:51,009 --> 00:03:54,112
She's getting really
good with that thing.
81
00:03:54,113 --> 00:03:56,448
I'm gonna do what I do
when all women tell me
82
00:03:56,449 --> 00:03:57,849
not to be near them.
83
00:03:57,850 --> 00:03:59,717
I'm gonna follow her.
84
00:04:01,620 --> 00:04:04,055
Uh, Caroline Channing?
85
00:04:04,056 --> 00:04:06,124
Hi, I'm Doug Reynolds,
I'm a professor at Wharton.
86
00:04:06,125 --> 00:04:08,059
Hey, I went to Wharton.
87
00:04:08,060 --> 00:04:09,261
Yeah, I know.
88
00:04:09,262 --> 00:04:10,605
I saw your interview in Time Out.
89
00:04:10,606 --> 00:04:12,030
You mentioned it several times.
90
00:04:12,031 --> 00:04:13,165
Once when you were asked
91
00:04:13,166 --> 00:04:14,549
where the dessert bar was located.
92
00:04:14,550 --> 00:04:17,502
Well, it is east of Wharton.
93
00:04:17,503 --> 00:04:19,070
You haven't heard her Wharton song.
94
00:04:19,071 --> 00:04:20,739
♪ Wharton, Wharton, Wharton, Wharton ♪
95
00:04:20,740 --> 00:04:22,563
♪ Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton Wharton, Wharton ♪
96
00:04:22,564 --> 00:04:24,543
Yeah, it's not a great song,
97
00:04:24,544 --> 00:04:27,846
but the story about how
you built your business
98
00:04:27,847 --> 00:04:29,581
from the ashes of your father's infamy,
99
00:04:29,582 --> 00:04:31,216
that's inspiring.
100
00:04:31,217 --> 00:04:32,918
You're the business world's Rudy.
101
00:04:32,919 --> 00:04:34,885
Well, now you're just quoting me.
102
00:04:36,321 --> 00:04:39,324
Hi, I'm "Partner."
103
00:04:39,325 --> 00:04:41,159
Howdy, Partner.
104
00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:42,994
Hey, I teach a business
class over at Penn
105
00:04:42,995 --> 00:04:46,698
because the stock
market crashed in 2008.
106
00:04:46,699 --> 00:04:48,500
I would love it if
both of you would come
107
00:04:48,501 --> 00:04:50,035
and talk to the students.
108
00:04:50,036 --> 00:04:51,902
Like a scared-straight thing?
109
00:04:53,071 --> 00:04:54,539
Not the pen.
110
00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:55,874
Penn, the University of Pennsylvania.
111
00:04:55,875 --> 00:04:57,175
- That's where Wharton is.
- Hmm.
112
00:04:57,176 --> 00:04:58,519
If you'd listen to my whole song,
113
00:04:58,520 --> 00:04:59,940
you'd hear it in the third verse.
114
00:05:01,339 --> 00:05:02,922
We'd pay for your train to Philadelphia
115
00:05:02,923 --> 00:05:04,082
and campus housing.
116
00:05:04,083 --> 00:05:05,884
- Ooh.
- We'd love to come.
117
00:05:05,885 --> 00:05:07,118
Right, partner?
118
00:05:07,119 --> 00:05:08,920
And my parole officer,
119
00:05:08,921 --> 00:05:10,188
mother, guidance counselor,
120
00:05:10,189 --> 00:05:11,372
and the state of Rhode Island
121
00:05:11,373 --> 00:05:13,391
said I'd never go to college.
122
00:05:13,392 --> 00:05:15,126
I can get your email from the website.
123
00:05:15,127 --> 00:05:17,095
I'll send you the info.
124
00:05:17,096 --> 00:05:18,597
We have a site?
125
00:05:18,598 --> 00:05:20,265
I hope there are no nudies of me on it
126
00:05:20,266 --> 00:05:22,129
'cause Larry Flynt owns
the rights to my image.
127
00:05:22,130 --> 00:05:25,804
- You know what this means?
- Uh...
128
00:05:25,805 --> 00:05:27,948
♪ Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton ♪
129
00:05:27,949 --> 00:05:30,369
♪ Wharton, Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton... ♪
130
00:05:32,077 --> 00:05:34,279
One bong or two?
131
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,648
Max, this is a business trip.
132
00:05:36,649 --> 00:05:39,117
We're not going to Comic-Con
with Woody Harrelson.
133
00:05:39,118 --> 00:05:40,918
Wait, is that on the table?
134
00:05:41,987 --> 00:05:43,588
Anyway, this is your trip
135
00:05:43,589 --> 00:05:44,589
for the dessert bar.
136
00:05:44,590 --> 00:05:46,291
So again, one bong or two?
137
00:05:46,292 --> 00:05:49,427
I am never gonna live down
the "partner" thing, am I?
138
00:05:49,428 --> 00:05:52,764
Like when I threw away those
bath salts to save your life.
139
00:05:52,765 --> 00:05:55,633
I wasn't gonna eat your face.
140
00:05:57,002 --> 00:05:58,904
I am not having this
argument with you again.
141
00:05:58,905 --> 00:06:01,506
I'm not mad about the partner thing.
142
00:06:01,507 --> 00:06:04,309
I'm excited to go to
college. I already told Randy,
143
00:06:04,310 --> 00:06:06,811
and he's gonna send me a care package.
144
00:06:06,812 --> 00:06:09,113
Emphasis on the package.
145
00:06:10,615 --> 00:06:12,651
I broke up with my high school boyfriend
146
00:06:12,652 --> 00:06:15,587
when I went to college just
to keep my options open.
147
00:06:15,588 --> 00:06:17,589
Pfft, you're in Time Out
New York with Pizza Rat.
148
00:06:17,590 --> 00:06:19,090
What's that loser doing now?
149
00:06:19,091 --> 00:06:22,093
It was Mark Zuckerberg.
150
00:06:22,094 --> 00:06:24,529
Just tell me about
the parties at college
151
00:06:24,530 --> 00:06:26,131
'cause that's the only reason I'm going.
152
00:06:26,132 --> 00:06:27,832
Oh,
153
00:06:27,833 --> 00:06:30,035
they were epic.
154
00:06:30,036 --> 00:06:31,603
You know what they say,
155
00:06:31,604 --> 00:06:34,039
if you remember the parties at Wharton,
156
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:35,473
you weren't there.
157
00:06:35,474 --> 00:06:36,874
You weren't here, were you?
158
00:06:38,610 --> 00:06:40,145
- No.
- Okay.
159
00:06:40,146 --> 00:06:42,614
But some of those
all-night study sessions
160
00:06:42,615 --> 00:06:44,182
got pretty punchy.
161
00:06:44,183 --> 00:06:46,017
Like whackadoo.
162
00:06:46,018 --> 00:06:48,687
You're making me punchy right now.
163
00:06:51,691 --> 00:06:53,525
Hey, girls,
164
00:06:53,526 --> 00:06:55,193
Oleg isn't here, is he?
165
00:06:55,194 --> 00:06:57,995
Do you hear us screaming
"get out" or "put that away"?
166
00:06:59,564 --> 00:07:02,367
He keeps wanting to bond with the baby.
167
00:07:02,368 --> 00:07:04,869
Why can't he be more
like the men in Poland?
168
00:07:04,870 --> 00:07:07,572
Why can't he be in
Poland is my question.
169
00:07:07,573 --> 00:07:11,042
I mean, they wouldn't even be in
the same room as their baby girl
170
00:07:11,043 --> 00:07:13,878
until it was time to sell her off.
171
00:07:13,879 --> 00:07:16,815
You know, my father's
first words to me were,
172
00:07:16,816 --> 00:07:18,716
"Next item up for bid."
173
00:07:19,851 --> 00:07:21,419
I can't believe I'm saying this,
174
00:07:21,420 --> 00:07:23,555
but Oleg's not wrong here.
175
00:07:23,556 --> 00:07:25,557
He's wrong, literally, everywhere else.
176
00:07:26,892 --> 00:07:29,561
Oh, it must be Oleg.
177
00:07:29,562 --> 00:07:33,231
- Hide us.
- Hide you?
178
00:07:33,232 --> 00:07:36,434
That carriage can be seen from space.
179
00:07:36,435 --> 00:07:40,237
All right, tell Oleg I'm
definitely not in the barn.
180
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:43,375
Yeah, now,
181
00:07:43,376 --> 00:07:44,808
I'm gonna be in the barn.
182
00:07:48,580 --> 00:07:50,382
This is where we put up grad students
183
00:07:50,383 --> 00:07:51,750
and occasional guest lecturers
184
00:07:51,751 --> 00:07:53,585
who are too poor to stay in a hotel.
185
00:07:53,586 --> 00:07:55,353
Losers.
186
00:07:55,354 --> 00:07:56,553
You guys got any towels?
187
00:07:57,589 --> 00:07:58,757
You'll have to forgive Max.
188
00:07:58,758 --> 00:08:00,291
She's just excited to be here.
189
00:08:00,292 --> 00:08:02,360
We know, obviously,
there'll be a bath sheet
190
00:08:02,361 --> 00:08:03,895
and a hand towel for each of us.
191
00:08:03,896 --> 00:08:05,397
Right?
192
00:08:05,398 --> 00:08:07,899
And here's your bedroom.
193
00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:10,035
I'm the RA, but don't worry,
194
00:08:10,036 --> 00:08:11,636
I'm not super uptight.
195
00:08:11,637 --> 00:08:14,372
Just no noise after 10:00
or I'll come at you hard.
196
00:08:14,373 --> 00:08:16,708
You'll have no problems from us.
197
00:08:16,709 --> 00:08:18,810
I was an RA when I went to school here.
198
00:08:18,811 --> 00:08:20,278
I'm Caroline Channing.
199
00:08:20,279 --> 00:08:21,446
The.
200
00:08:21,447 --> 00:08:24,082
Caroline Channing?
201
00:08:24,083 --> 00:08:25,415
You're Buzzkill Channing?
202
00:08:26,918 --> 00:08:29,254
I knew Caroline wasn't your real name.
203
00:08:29,255 --> 00:08:32,290
You're the most legendary
RA we've ever had.
204
00:08:32,291 --> 00:08:34,826
I heard you once threw a kid
out of a second-story window.
205
00:08:34,827 --> 00:08:36,094
That's just a myth,
206
00:08:36,095 --> 00:08:37,962
but a hookah pipe did take flight.
207
00:08:39,098 --> 00:08:40,832
And I was a hookah
208
00:08:40,833 --> 00:08:42,567
by the airport.
209
00:08:42,568 --> 00:08:45,202
Well, it's an honor to
have your here, Buzzkill.
210
00:08:47,172 --> 00:08:49,607
I'm gonna have to search your
trash bag before you leave.
211
00:08:49,608 --> 00:08:52,509
Everything good's gonna be in my butt.
212
00:08:53,511 --> 00:08:55,914
She's fun.
213
00:08:55,915 --> 00:08:57,682
Okay, let's unpack,
214
00:08:57,683 --> 00:08:59,517
get our shower buckets organized.
215
00:08:59,518 --> 00:09:02,587
I'm unpacked. Let's go par-tois.
216
00:09:02,588 --> 00:09:04,656
How many flasks do you have?
217
00:09:04,657 --> 00:09:06,191
I already took two away from you.
218
00:09:06,192 --> 00:09:07,659
Now, you be the audience.
219
00:09:07,660 --> 00:09:09,494
I need to practice my
speech for tomorrow.
220
00:09:09,495 --> 00:09:11,162
We need to party.
221
00:09:11,163 --> 00:09:13,164
Tonight needs to end with
us driving a police car
222
00:09:13,165 --> 00:09:15,667
into a fountain on the
quad or it is a fail.
223
00:09:15,668 --> 00:09:18,002
I am not here to party.
224
00:09:18,003 --> 00:09:20,839
I am here to... to show people
225
00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:23,274
with determination and perspiration,
226
00:09:23,275 --> 00:09:25,844
you can become an inspiration.
227
00:09:25,845 --> 00:09:27,979
Max, what do you think of that?
228
00:09:27,980 --> 00:09:29,347
Max?
229
00:09:29,348 --> 00:09:30,882
Max?
230
00:09:30,883 --> 00:09:33,550
I'm not organizing your shower bucket.
231
00:09:41,494 --> 00:09:43,895
Caroline, are you awake?
232
00:09:43,896 --> 00:09:45,396
No.
233
00:09:45,397 --> 00:09:46,865
It's cool, she's up. Come on in.
234
00:09:49,368 --> 00:09:52,504
Who are these people?
235
00:09:52,505 --> 00:09:54,239
I'm sorry, but we had to leave the bar.
236
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:55,874
The roof was on fire.
237
00:09:55,875 --> 00:09:57,342
At first we thought the DJ was just
238
00:09:57,343 --> 00:10:00,044
getting the party started,
but it actually was.
239
00:10:00,045 --> 00:10:02,546
Anyway, we'll try not to keep it down.
240
00:10:14,503 --> 00:10:17,171
Okay, who's next? I washed it out.
241
00:10:17,172 --> 00:10:18,806
Nobody else throw up in this thing.
242
00:10:18,807 --> 00:10:19,874
I mean it.
243
00:10:19,875 --> 00:10:21,409
After I crush this,
244
00:10:21,410 --> 00:10:23,578
you wanna come back to my dorm room?
245
00:10:23,579 --> 00:10:25,179
I have a junior suite.
246
00:10:25,180 --> 00:10:26,814
You're sweet, Junior
247
00:10:26,815 --> 00:10:29,183
but I have a boyfriend
who could be your father.
248
00:10:29,184 --> 00:10:31,686
He also could be my father,
I've never met the man.
249
00:10:31,687 --> 00:10:33,754
Uh, Buzzkill, 3:00.
250
00:10:33,755 --> 00:10:35,089
Just a minute, young man.
251
00:10:35,090 --> 00:10:37,391
There is no underage drinking here.
252
00:10:37,392 --> 00:10:39,393
This is college.
253
00:10:41,196 --> 00:10:42,597
Hello?
254
00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:44,098
Oh, hi, Oleg.
255
00:10:44,099 --> 00:10:45,867
I lost Sophie again.
256
00:10:45,868 --> 00:10:48,436
She's like a sexy set of car keys.
257
00:10:48,437 --> 00:10:50,404
Hey!
258
00:10:50,405 --> 00:10:52,673
No random, uncommitted sex here.
259
00:10:52,674 --> 00:10:54,607
This is college.
260
00:10:57,211 --> 00:11:00,915
I have a computer full of
videos that says you're wrong.
261
00:11:00,916 --> 00:11:02,850
Oleg, I can't talk now.
262
00:11:02,851 --> 00:11:05,186
I have my own problems. I
don't know where the RA is,
263
00:11:05,187 --> 00:11:06,787
so I've had to step up.
264
00:11:06,788 --> 00:11:09,656
We're like the Marines
of no funny business.
265
00:11:10,791 --> 00:11:13,895
That better not be a joint.
266
00:11:13,896 --> 00:11:16,963
Yeah, that's a doobie, brother.
267
00:11:18,399 --> 00:11:21,235
Sophie won't even let me feed Barbara.
268
00:11:21,236 --> 00:11:23,804
She says fathers aren't
equipped for the job.
269
00:11:23,805 --> 00:11:26,607
Well, she does have a
point. You don't have boobs.
270
00:11:26,608 --> 00:11:29,944
Anyone ever tell you
you're a real buzzkill?
271
00:11:29,945 --> 00:11:31,746
I have to go.
272
00:11:31,747 --> 00:11:33,646
I hear zippers unzipping.
273
00:11:36,450 --> 00:11:38,313
Were you just on the
phone with Poison Control?
274
00:11:38,314 --> 00:11:40,181
Because I told you,
Steve's gonna be fine.
275
00:11:42,423 --> 00:11:45,092
See? Breathing, I think.
276
00:11:45,093 --> 00:11:47,595
Now take off your top and
shotgun a beer with me.
277
00:11:47,596 --> 00:11:49,931
Max, my speech is tomorrow,
278
00:11:49,932 --> 00:11:52,600
and this top gets a lot of compliments.
279
00:11:52,601 --> 00:11:55,136
I just want you to have
fun at college for once.
280
00:11:55,137 --> 00:11:56,437
Can you do that for me?
281
00:11:56,438 --> 00:11:58,005
I do things for you all the time.
282
00:11:58,006 --> 00:11:59,389
You remember when I told your date
283
00:11:59,390 --> 00:12:00,695
it was Chestnut that farted.
284
00:12:00,696 --> 00:12:01,943
Fine.
285
00:12:01,944 --> 00:12:04,312
If I have one drink, will
you roll Steve out of here
286
00:12:04,313 --> 00:12:05,678
and get everyone to leave?
287
00:12:09,517 --> 00:12:11,819
Buzzkill!
288
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:17,024
Whoo!
289
00:12:17,025 --> 00:12:19,994
Who's the buzzkill now, bitches?
290
00:12:22,197 --> 00:12:23,664
Ah...
291
00:12:23,665 --> 00:12:26,701
corrupting dorks is meaningful work.
292
00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:30,705
Who wants to see me
pretend bang Steve again?
293
00:12:32,975 --> 00:12:34,675
Do it for real!
294
00:12:37,179 --> 00:12:38,713
Caroline, what are you doing?
295
00:12:38,714 --> 00:12:40,181
You of all people should know,
296
00:12:40,182 --> 00:12:41,682
you can't have a party here.
297
00:12:41,683 --> 00:12:42,850
This is college.
298
00:12:42,851 --> 00:12:45,519
Pfft, get off my back, narc.
299
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,353
Ooh, who's this?
300
00:12:51,859 --> 00:12:53,726
My fiancé.
301
00:12:55,529 --> 00:12:58,466
Guess we gotta make it even.
302
00:13:02,571 --> 00:13:03,870
Oh, my God.
303
00:13:05,673 --> 00:13:08,376
Oh, my God, I love College Caroline
304
00:13:08,377 --> 00:13:10,745
so much more than all other Carolines.
305
00:13:24,630 --> 00:13:27,366
Damn, college is fun.
306
00:13:27,367 --> 00:13:29,434
I'm glad I went.
307
00:13:31,771 --> 00:13:33,639
Oh, no, I'm late!
308
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,409
That's impossible. You
haven't had sex in years.
309
00:13:36,410 --> 00:13:39,311
Also, you look like
an Italian grandmother.
310
00:13:44,584 --> 00:13:46,586
Oh, my God!
311
00:13:46,587 --> 00:13:48,221
Who did this to me?
312
00:13:48,222 --> 00:13:49,589
This was the compromise.
313
00:13:49,590 --> 00:13:50,957
They wanted to shave your head.
314
00:13:52,192 --> 00:13:54,026
I am still a little drunk,
315
00:13:54,027 --> 00:13:55,728
and I forget what was in my speech,
316
00:13:55,729 --> 00:13:58,231
and I look like a very
pretty Burt Reynolds
317
00:13:58,232 --> 00:14:00,233
and this is all your fault!
318
00:14:00,234 --> 00:14:02,767
Is the implication here that
Burt Reynolds isn't pretty?
319
00:14:04,270 --> 00:14:05,771
Yes, it is my fault for forcing you
320
00:14:05,772 --> 00:14:07,206
to have the time of your life
321
00:14:07,207 --> 00:14:08,507
and make out with those dudes.
322
00:14:08,508 --> 00:14:09,675
Max, you don't even...
323
00:14:09,676 --> 00:14:10,676
dudes?
324
00:14:10,677 --> 00:14:11,811
Plural?
325
00:14:11,812 --> 00:14:13,145
How many dudes?
326
00:14:13,146 --> 00:14:15,381
I lost count after the third Chet.
327
00:14:15,382 --> 00:14:17,917
I can't believe you did this to me.
328
00:14:17,918 --> 00:14:20,286
It was more like you doing it to them.
329
00:14:20,287 --> 00:14:23,289
Max, I am serious right now.
330
00:14:23,290 --> 00:14:25,191
Calm down, Luigi.
331
00:14:25,192 --> 00:14:27,793
Max, I know you were mad
332
00:14:27,794 --> 00:14:30,696
about the Time Out interview
and the "partner" thing,
333
00:14:30,697 --> 00:14:33,065
but I can't believe you
sabotaged me on purpose.
334
00:14:33,066 --> 00:14:35,268
Okay, first of all,
335
00:14:35,269 --> 00:14:36,802
I don't think about you that much.
336
00:14:36,803 --> 00:14:38,804
I am sorry I didn't give you credit,
337
00:14:38,805 --> 00:14:41,540
but ruining this for
me is so much worse.
338
00:14:41,541 --> 00:14:43,075
This was gonna be my comeback.
339
00:14:43,076 --> 00:14:44,510
I wasn't mad.
340
00:14:44,511 --> 00:14:46,014
You were the only one upset about it.
341
00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:47,580
I don't care about that stuff.
342
00:14:47,581 --> 00:14:49,615
Honestly, I just wanted
you to have a good time.
343
00:14:49,616 --> 00:14:51,884
I didn't need to have a good time.
344
00:14:51,885 --> 00:14:53,753
I needed to make people jealous.
345
00:14:53,754 --> 00:14:55,354
Who's gonna be jealous of me now?
346
00:14:55,355 --> 00:14:57,723
Guys that can't grow facial hair?
347
00:14:57,724 --> 00:15:00,493
Look, you were great at school
348
00:15:00,494 --> 00:15:03,229
and last night you were
great at having fun at school.
349
00:15:03,230 --> 00:15:04,597
You're lucky. I have last night,
350
00:15:04,598 --> 00:15:06,098
but I'll never get to have both.
351
00:15:06,099 --> 00:15:08,467
What're you talking about?
352
00:15:08,468 --> 00:15:09,969
You're the smart one.
353
00:15:09,970 --> 00:15:11,537
You deserve your moment of triumph,
354
00:15:11,538 --> 00:15:13,639
but you also deserve not
to be Buzzkill Channing
355
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,074
for the rest of your life.
356
00:15:15,075 --> 00:15:17,944
You really weren't mad
about the interview?
357
00:15:17,945 --> 00:15:19,278
A little,
358
00:15:19,279 --> 00:15:20,979
but I'm always a little mad at you.
359
00:15:22,548 --> 00:15:23,916
I'm sorry if I screwed things up.
360
00:15:23,917 --> 00:15:25,885
You don't have to be.
361
00:15:25,886 --> 00:15:28,721
I really did have fun, Max.
362
00:15:28,722 --> 00:15:31,356
See if you like the googly-eyes
I drew around your nipples.
363
00:15:33,159 --> 00:15:35,226
Fun how they go in different directions.
364
00:15:39,999 --> 00:15:41,334
Sorry we're late.
365
00:15:41,335 --> 00:15:42,935
I had to scrub the
googly-eyes off my...
366
00:15:42,936 --> 00:15:45,171
bicycle traffic.
367
00:15:45,172 --> 00:15:46,672
Well, let's get started.
368
00:15:46,673 --> 00:15:48,674
I'm supposed to have
lunch with my son, Steve.
369
00:15:48,675 --> 00:15:51,058
We had a little fight last
night before he left for a party.
370
00:15:51,059 --> 00:15:53,199
If anything ever happened
to him, I'd be devastated.
371
00:15:54,513 --> 00:15:56,247
Praying for a different Steve.
372
00:15:58,217 --> 00:16:00,753
Wow, you made out with half
the people in this room.
373
00:16:00,754 --> 00:16:02,854
I'm pretty sure you got
one of the Chets pregnant.
374
00:16:04,490 --> 00:16:07,660
Caroline Channing is
an alumni of Wharton,
375
00:16:07,661 --> 00:16:09,662
and also the brains behind
376
00:16:09,663 --> 00:16:11,731
a thriving new dessert bar in Brooklyn,
377
00:16:11,732 --> 00:16:14,867
and she is here to
tell us how she did it.
378
00:16:14,868 --> 00:16:16,651
Oh, also, um, whoever
keeps writing "wash me"
379
00:16:16,652 --> 00:16:19,872
in the back of my car,
there's no R in wash.
380
00:16:19,873 --> 00:16:22,074
Caroline.
381
00:16:22,075 --> 00:16:25,044
It is a great honor to be here today.
382
00:16:25,045 --> 00:16:27,713
I learned a lot at
this fine institution.
383
00:16:27,714 --> 00:16:30,049
Hard work, integrity,
384
00:16:30,050 --> 00:16:33,219
a lot of math I'll never use.
385
00:16:33,220 --> 00:16:35,154
There are a lot of smart people here,
386
00:16:35,155 --> 00:16:37,056
but the smartest person I know,
387
00:16:37,057 --> 00:16:38,991
I met waiting tables in a diner.
388
00:16:38,992 --> 00:16:40,091
Max, turn around.
389
00:16:42,728 --> 00:16:44,162
The other way.
390
00:16:47,233 --> 00:16:50,069
And I am proud to call her my partner.
391
00:16:50,070 --> 00:16:52,238
Gay.
392
00:16:52,239 --> 00:16:54,507
This woman is the reason I'm here today.
393
00:16:54,508 --> 00:16:57,243
She should be giving the speech
because she's how I did it.
394
00:16:57,244 --> 00:16:59,845
Her name is Max Black.
395
00:17:01,681 --> 00:17:03,883
Um, what're you doing? You're leaving?
396
00:17:03,884 --> 00:17:05,951
They're jealous enough,
397
00:17:05,952 --> 00:17:07,653
and I want you to have your moment.
398
00:17:07,654 --> 00:17:10,022
You should get to have both too.
399
00:17:10,023 --> 00:17:11,603
And also, chug-chug has to puke-puke.
400
00:17:13,426 --> 00:17:15,994
And, uh, all right...
401
00:17:17,930 --> 00:17:19,732
I didn't go to college,
402
00:17:19,733 --> 00:17:21,867
but after spending some time here,
403
00:17:21,868 --> 00:17:24,769
I think I could teach you a few things.
404
00:17:26,372 --> 00:17:28,207
Beer...
405
00:17:28,208 --> 00:17:30,476
before liquor,
406
00:17:30,477 --> 00:17:31,476
never sicker.
407
00:17:33,079 --> 00:17:35,748
Liquor before beer,
408
00:17:35,749 --> 00:17:37,348
never fear.
409
00:17:38,784 --> 00:17:41,486
And weed before and after everything.
410
00:17:42,655 --> 00:17:45,791
Also, pimps up, hos down.
411
00:17:45,792 --> 00:17:47,393
Never...
412
00:17:47,394 --> 00:17:49,795
get high on your own supply,
413
00:17:49,796 --> 00:17:51,564
and, most importantly,
414
00:17:51,565 --> 00:17:52,798
shake ya ass,
415
00:17:52,799 --> 00:17:55,134
but watch yourself.
416
00:17:55,135 --> 00:17:57,355
You should be taking notes.
This'll be on the midterm.
417
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,809
Well, like most people
straight out of college,
418
00:18:03,810 --> 00:18:05,845
I'm at a job I don't wanna be at.
419
00:18:05,846 --> 00:18:07,480
That's right.
420
00:18:07,481 --> 00:18:11,250
She went back and got her
degree in "Make-out Slut."
421
00:18:11,251 --> 00:18:13,119
And we may have killed a guy.
422
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:14,887
I may have too.
423
00:18:14,888 --> 00:18:16,521
I drove here without my glasses.
424
00:18:18,557 --> 00:18:21,794
You know, in Poland,
girls don't go to college.
425
00:18:21,795 --> 00:18:23,662
They drop them in a lake,
426
00:18:23,663 --> 00:18:27,299
and whoever doesn't drown is a witch.
427
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:30,536
Doesn't that make you a witch, Sophie?
428
00:18:30,537 --> 00:18:32,670
No comment.
429
00:18:34,940 --> 00:18:37,175
If it isn't Magic No-Johnson.
430
00:18:38,644 --> 00:18:41,113
Pick a card, and don't
show me what it is.
431
00:18:41,114 --> 00:18:44,450
Don't worry, I'll hold
it well above four feet.
432
00:18:44,451 --> 00:18:46,718
Whatever puts the card
in your hands, toots.
433
00:18:48,521 --> 00:18:51,190
Was this your card?
434
00:18:51,191 --> 00:18:53,325
Nope, it was the Queen of Hearts.
435
00:18:53,326 --> 00:18:55,661
Oh, my God,
436
00:18:55,662 --> 00:18:58,296
Han's a witch too!
437
00:18:59,698 --> 00:19:00,698
Drown him!
438
00:19:03,202 --> 00:19:04,436
I did it.
439
00:19:04,437 --> 00:19:07,273
What hell have I unleashed?
440
00:19:07,274 --> 00:19:09,907
Whatever it is, keep it
in your training pants.
441
00:19:11,377 --> 00:19:13,200
I should have just done
traffic school online,
442
00:19:13,201 --> 00:19:14,834
but, no, Han wanted to meet people.
443
00:19:16,315 --> 00:19:18,050
Sophie,
444
00:19:18,051 --> 00:19:21,187
I think I found the
solution to all our problems.
445
00:19:22,489 --> 00:19:24,455
Microwave in the headboard?
446
00:19:25,624 --> 00:19:27,426
I've told you repeatedly,
447
00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:29,427
the science just isn't there yet.
448
00:19:30,529 --> 00:19:32,031
Make sure I get an email
449
00:19:32,032 --> 00:19:34,567
when it is there.
450
00:19:34,568 --> 00:19:36,302
This is about us
451
00:19:36,303 --> 00:19:37,903
and Barbara.
452
00:19:37,904 --> 00:19:40,039
I want to be more involved.
453
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,607
That's why I got these.
454
00:19:47,546 --> 00:19:48,746
Moobs...
455
00:19:50,349 --> 00:19:53,352
To feed Barbara with.
456
00:19:53,353 --> 00:19:55,687
Great, now I'm jealous of Oleg's rack.
457
00:19:57,189 --> 00:20:00,426
If he puts Dr. Pepper in there, so am I.
458
00:20:00,427 --> 00:20:01,860
Oleg,
459
00:20:01,861 --> 00:20:04,262
tell me you kept your ding-dong.
460
00:20:05,664 --> 00:20:07,199
Oh, yeah.
461
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:10,236
I'm just Mrs. Doubtfiring
it for the time being.
462
00:20:10,237 --> 00:20:13,271
We've gotta get that
kid out of that house.
463
00:20:14,873 --> 00:20:16,709
Well, you know what, Barbara?
464
00:20:16,710 --> 00:20:20,446
You're really lucky to
have such a good father.
465
00:20:20,447 --> 00:20:24,049
I guess I have been
bogarting baby Barbara.
466
00:20:24,050 --> 00:20:27,286
Yeah, it really is sweet
that you did that, Oleg.
467
00:20:27,287 --> 00:20:28,686
My eyes are up here, Caroline.
468
00:20:32,458 --> 00:20:34,992
We're out of milk in the kitchen.
469
00:20:45,938 --> 00:20:49,008
I really hope Earl milking Oleg
470
00:20:49,009 --> 00:20:50,109
is our rock bottom.
471
00:20:50,110 --> 00:20:52,176
It won't be.
472
00:20:56,781 --> 00:21:04,532
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.