1
00:00:02,518 --> 00:00:04,474
Here's your fish of the day.
2
00:00:04,539 --> 00:00:06,251
That day is last Monday.
3
00:00:07,557 --> 00:00:08,724
Excuse me, miss?
4
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:12,156
There's a hair in my meatloaf.
5
00:00:12,157 --> 00:00:13,861
This never happens.
6
00:00:13,862 --> 00:00:15,529
Oleg!
7
00:00:15,530 --> 00:00:18,332
We got a H-34 at T-2!
8
00:00:18,333 --> 00:00:19,867
A hair? That's impossible.
9
00:00:19,868 --> 00:00:21,501
Let me put some pants on.
10
00:00:24,038 --> 00:00:25,973
I am so sorry
11
00:00:25,974 --> 00:00:28,576
that you ordered the meatloaf.
12
00:00:28,577 --> 00:00:30,211
Shouldn't he be in a hairnet?
13
00:00:30,212 --> 00:00:32,178
He should be in a prison.
14
00:00:34,648 --> 00:00:36,951
Good news.
15
00:00:36,952 --> 00:00:39,486
It's not mine.
16
00:00:39,487 --> 00:00:41,989
That Propecia's really paying off.
17
00:00:41,990 --> 00:00:44,825
Obviously, it's not mine. I'm blonde.
18
00:00:44,826 --> 00:00:47,294
You're not blonde everywhere.
19
00:00:47,295 --> 00:00:49,663
I love carpet-and-drapes talk.
20
00:00:49,664 --> 00:00:51,031
I want my money back.
21
00:00:51,032 --> 00:00:52,465
Me too.
22
00:00:54,401 --> 00:00:56,570
Well, it ain't mine.
23
00:00:56,571 --> 00:00:58,405
Last time my hair was this long,
24
00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:01,976
I was a back-up dancer on Solid Gold.
25
00:01:01,977 --> 00:01:03,377
Han!
26
00:01:03,378 --> 00:01:05,001
We got a customer
with a hair up his butt
27
00:01:05,002 --> 00:01:06,513
and one in his meatloaf.
28
00:01:06,514 --> 00:01:07,514
Step aside.
29
00:01:07,515 --> 00:01:09,683
Let an expert through.
30
00:01:09,684 --> 00:01:13,554
Look, it's "Law and Order: SAD."
31
00:01:13,555 --> 00:01:17,391
It's brown, somewhere between
coffee and burnt sienna,
32
00:01:17,392 --> 00:01:22,062
cleaned hastily with a
combination shampoo-body wash.
33
00:01:22,063 --> 00:01:25,699
Mm, this hair belongs
to a single white man
34
00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:29,436
alone, and not by choice,
but so set in his ways...
35
00:01:29,437 --> 00:01:31,238
Okay!
36
00:01:31,239 --> 00:01:33,340
It's mine!
37
00:01:33,341 --> 00:01:35,042
Next time you want a free meal,
38
00:01:35,043 --> 00:01:36,510
order the fish of the day.
39
00:01:36,511 --> 00:01:37,944
Am I right, ma'am?
40
00:01:42,016 --> 00:01:43,984
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
41
00:01:43,985 --> 00:01:45,589
(cash register bell dings)
42
00:01:45,590 --> 00:01:52,191
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
43
00:02:00,513 --> 00:02:02,614
Hey, can I order something?
44
00:02:02,615 --> 00:02:04,449
I'm gonna need to see some ID.
45
00:02:04,450 --> 00:02:06,113
I'm getting the itch
to hit the road again
46
00:02:06,114 --> 00:02:07,685
and I'll need a new identity.
47
00:02:07,686 --> 00:02:10,188
I'll have a Moscow Mule.
48
00:02:10,189 --> 00:02:12,457
Uh, how about a Jolly Rancher shot?
49
00:02:12,458 --> 00:02:13,921
They're one of our signature drinks,
50
00:02:13,922 --> 00:02:17,195
served with a side of my finger-guns.
51
00:02:17,196 --> 00:02:18,863
How about a Moscow Mule
52
00:02:18,864 --> 00:02:21,199
since that's what I just ordered?
53
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,967
Oh, are you sure?
54
00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:25,470
The shot glasses are made
of actual Jolly Ranchers.
55
00:02:25,471 --> 00:02:26,937
Kids love 'em.
56
00:02:29,174 --> 00:02:31,943
One Moscow Mule coming up.
57
00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:34,345
All righty.
58
00:02:34,346 --> 00:02:35,947
You don't know how to make one, do you?
59
00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:37,415
No clue.
60
00:02:37,416 --> 00:02:39,184
How 'bout I just make it myself?
61
00:02:39,185 --> 00:02:42,320
Hmm, while you're at it,
I'll have a Jack and Coke.
62
00:02:42,321 --> 00:02:44,856
Always wanted to know what was in that.
63
00:02:44,857 --> 00:02:47,559
Max, what's that guy doing behind you?
64
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:48,494
Oh... (scoffs)
65
00:02:48,495 --> 00:02:50,895
You know I never look
when they're back there.
66
00:02:50,896 --> 00:02:53,364
Look, you can't let
people serve themselves.
67
00:02:53,365 --> 00:02:56,601
Again, not everything
is a Hometown Buffet.
68
00:02:56,602 --> 00:02:59,437
Uh, if it were, I'd be eating a biscuit
69
00:02:59,438 --> 00:03:02,040
with macaroni and pudding on top.
70
00:03:02,041 --> 00:03:04,242
People aren't ordering
our signature drinks.
71
00:03:04,243 --> 00:03:05,710
They want real ones, and I only know
72
00:03:05,711 --> 00:03:07,312
how to make the stuff on the menu.
73
00:03:07,313 --> 00:03:10,381
And Molly lollipops,
which I call "Mollipops."
74
00:03:10,382 --> 00:03:12,283
Then let me do it.
75
00:03:12,284 --> 00:03:15,852
And is that why I slept for
three days after Halloween?
76
00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:18,623
Can I get a greyhound?
77
00:03:18,624 --> 00:03:21,125
Greyhound...
78
00:03:21,126 --> 00:03:22,293
Oh... (scoffs)
79
00:03:22,294 --> 00:03:25,463
I don't drive for them anymore.
80
00:03:25,464 --> 00:03:26,997
Politics!
81
00:03:28,299 --> 00:03:29,868
Uh, you heard the man.
82
00:03:29,869 --> 00:03:32,070
We're not paying you
to just stand around.
83
00:03:32,071 --> 00:03:34,172
You're not paying me at all.
84
00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:36,574
Not with that attitude.
85
00:03:36,575 --> 00:03:39,377
Believe me, if we could afford
a bartender, we'd hire one.
86
00:03:39,378 --> 00:03:41,912
This obviously isn't working
out for either of us.
87
00:03:43,414 --> 00:03:45,517
Ahem! (clears throat)
88
00:03:45,518 --> 00:03:48,218
Was there a problem with your service?
89
00:03:50,688 --> 00:03:53,057
Max, we need to talk about
what happened last night.
90
00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:55,525
Oh, crap, you said
you were on the pill.
91
00:03:57,095 --> 00:03:58,730
We need someone at the dessert bar
92
00:03:58,731 --> 00:04:00,532
who knows how to make real drinks.
93
00:04:00,533 --> 00:04:03,001
Not that your
"cigarette butt and tonic"
94
00:04:03,002 --> 00:04:04,903
wasn't a hit.
95
00:04:04,904 --> 00:04:06,871
You said we couldn't
afford a bartender...
96
00:04:06,872 --> 00:04:08,106
or a mechanical bull,
97
00:04:08,107 --> 00:04:09,874
which would have
paid for itself by now.
98
00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:11,709
Here's my idea.
99
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:14,779
We are going to
bartending school so we can...
100
00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:16,414
and don't kick me... be the best...
101
00:04:16,415 --> 00:04:17,749
no pinching, not my nose...
102
00:04:17,750 --> 00:04:18,950
business we can be!
103
00:04:18,951 --> 00:04:20,585
- G'doink.
- Oh.
104
00:04:20,586 --> 00:04:22,754
You didn't say anything about G'doinks.
105
00:04:22,755 --> 00:04:24,722
What do you think? 'Cause we're already
106
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,357
signed up and it's non-refundable.
107
00:04:26,358 --> 00:04:28,092
I took your share
out of your piggy bong.
108
00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:29,193
(gasps)
109
00:04:29,194 --> 00:04:31,462
You stole from Cheech and Change?
110
00:04:31,463 --> 00:04:33,631
(baby crying)
111
00:04:33,632 --> 00:04:36,534
Okay, you can say you hate the idea,
112
00:04:36,535 --> 00:04:38,303
but you don't have to cry about it.
113
00:04:38,304 --> 00:04:40,872
Man, this baby's more full of crap
114
00:04:40,873 --> 00:04:43,274
than a Coldplay album.
115
00:04:43,275 --> 00:04:46,878
Fine, I'll change your diaper,
but when you grow up,
116
00:04:46,879 --> 00:04:50,315
you're going to have
to return the favor.
117
00:04:50,316 --> 00:04:52,349
SOPHIE: The diaper goes the other way!
118
00:04:54,118 --> 00:04:56,054
Earl, did that doll just talk
119
00:04:56,055 --> 00:04:58,122
or are the voices
telling me to kill again?
120
00:04:58,123 --> 00:05:00,792
No, no, it's been
yelling at me all day.
121
00:05:00,793 --> 00:05:02,727
Between this and the police chatter
122
00:05:02,728 --> 00:05:04,128
I pick up on my hearing aid,
123
00:05:04,129 --> 00:05:07,264
it's like a damn party in my head.
124
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,802
Roger that.
125
00:05:10,803 --> 00:05:13,438
Can this doll get any creepier?
126
00:05:13,439 --> 00:05:15,306
SOPHIE: Takes one to
know one, Caroline.
127
00:05:15,307 --> 00:05:17,475
Asked and answered.
128
00:05:17,476 --> 00:05:19,177
Hey.
129
00:05:19,178 --> 00:05:21,646
Can't a lady have a smoke and a tinkle
130
00:05:21,647 --> 00:05:23,615
without having to worry about her baby?
131
00:05:23,616 --> 00:05:26,184
You were watching us from the toilet?
132
00:05:26,185 --> 00:05:28,953
Can't you just hold your nose
and hover like everyone else?
133
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:33,424
It's my surveillance doll. Look.
134
00:05:33,425 --> 00:05:36,127
It's hooked up to an app in my phone.
135
00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:38,029
Look, she's got
136
00:05:38,030 --> 00:05:40,098
cameras in her eyeballs;
137
00:05:40,099 --> 00:05:42,333
she's got a microphone in her mouth;
138
00:05:42,334 --> 00:05:46,170
and look, a laser pointer in her butt.
139
00:05:46,171 --> 00:05:49,941
Is that the American Girl
Doll PATRIOT Act edition?
140
00:05:49,942 --> 00:05:51,943
Isn't she cute?
141
00:05:51,944 --> 00:05:54,445
Look, she's like my twin,
142
00:05:54,446 --> 00:05:56,213
only more alive.
143
00:05:59,350 --> 00:06:00,785
Thank you
144
00:06:00,786 --> 00:06:03,388
for keeping your eye on Barbara.
145
00:06:03,389 --> 00:06:05,589
BOTH: Aww.
146
00:06:06,557 --> 00:06:08,793
Well, thanks so much.
147
00:06:08,794 --> 00:06:12,196
I'd pay you, but I know you're
too proud to take the money.
148
00:06:12,197 --> 00:06:15,066
Uh, actually, the medical
bills are piling up, Sophie.
149
00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:17,334
- Well, see you later!
- And I could really use...
150
00:06:18,903 --> 00:06:22,807
If you need a free
babysitter, that guy.
151
00:06:22,808 --> 00:06:24,509
Is it just me
152
00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:27,277
or is it hot and blurry in here?
153
00:06:28,479 --> 00:06:30,415
Pardon me, sir.
154
00:06:30,416 --> 00:06:32,417
Oh, my God, Han.
155
00:06:32,418 --> 00:06:34,686
You're covered in spots
and you're delirious.
156
00:06:34,687 --> 00:06:36,421
You have chicken pox.
157
00:06:36,422 --> 00:06:39,190
You also have chicken legs,
so I guess you're even.
158
00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:40,758
Han, you have to go home.
159
00:06:40,759 --> 00:06:41,759
You're contagious.
160
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:43,895
And not like my laugh.
161
00:06:43,896 --> 00:06:45,929
(laughs)
162
00:06:48,666 --> 00:06:51,269
Welcome to the Dinersburg Williams.
163
00:06:51,270 --> 00:06:52,937
Who said that?
164
00:06:52,938 --> 00:06:55,406
You did! You have to go home.
165
00:06:55,407 --> 00:06:58,142
Well, I suppose I could get into bed
166
00:06:58,143 --> 00:07:00,578
and Hulu a little Mindy Project.
167
00:07:00,579 --> 00:07:02,747
And, boy, is she a project.
168
00:07:02,748 --> 00:07:03,780
(giggles)
169
00:07:06,684 --> 00:07:08,853
Han looked pretty unsteady.
170
00:07:08,854 --> 00:07:11,122
Do you think someone should
make sure he gets home okay?
171
00:07:11,123 --> 00:07:12,956
Don't worry so much. He'll be fine.
172
00:07:20,198 --> 00:07:22,232
See? Fine.
173
00:07:25,103 --> 00:07:27,205
I know this is just bartending class,
174
00:07:27,206 --> 00:07:29,540
but gum, please?
175
00:07:29,541 --> 00:07:32,075
That was chewing tobacco, FYI.
176
00:07:33,644 --> 00:07:35,980
We need to take this seriously, Max.
177
00:07:35,981 --> 00:07:38,549
(gasps) Is that a pocket knife?
178
00:07:38,550 --> 00:07:40,251
Uh, yeah.
179
00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:41,619
How are they gonna know I was here
180
00:07:41,620 --> 00:07:44,088
if I can't carve my
initials in the desk?
181
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,591
Maybe we should sit
at separate workstations.
182
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,659
I'm obviously gonna be
the top student here
183
00:07:48,660 --> 00:07:50,495
and I don't want to be
associated with your
184
00:07:50,496 --> 00:07:52,597
"rebel without health
insurance" attitude.
185
00:07:52,598 --> 00:07:55,165
(scoffs) Fine, smell you later.
186
00:07:57,335 --> 00:07:58,469
Hi.
187
00:07:58,470 --> 00:07:59,570
I haven't been in a class
188
00:07:59,571 --> 00:08:01,172
since I graduated from Wharton.
189
00:08:01,173 --> 00:08:04,275
- It's an Ivy League...
- I went to Harvard.
190
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:07,512
Wharton was my safety school.
191
00:08:07,513 --> 00:08:10,314
Max, do you still have
that pocket knife?
192
00:08:10,315 --> 00:08:13,684
Okay, I think everyone is here.
193
00:08:13,685 --> 00:08:16,354
Hi, my name is Gil Bronski
194
00:08:16,355 --> 00:08:19,457
and I am in no rush to go home.
195
00:08:19,458 --> 00:08:22,326
I live with my mother
and her three cats,
196
00:08:22,327 --> 00:08:24,462
two of whom have diarrhea.
197
00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:27,497
(laughing)
198
00:08:30,701 --> 00:08:32,637
I thought it was an icebreaker.
199
00:08:32,638 --> 00:08:34,939
No, it's a carpet-ruiner.
200
00:08:34,940 --> 00:08:36,040
(laughs)
201
00:08:36,041 --> 00:08:38,810
Oh, thanks, Julie.
202
00:08:38,811 --> 00:08:40,477
Julie's killing it.
203
00:08:41,946 --> 00:08:43,815
Now, you're probably all wondering,
204
00:08:43,816 --> 00:08:46,117
"How did this former child actor
205
00:08:46,118 --> 00:08:49,520
"briefly sidelined by
a 30-year drug addiction
206
00:08:49,521 --> 00:08:52,356
find himself teaching
bartending school?"
207
00:08:52,357 --> 00:08:53,558
Just got lucky?
208
00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:56,360
Just got lucky!
209
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:59,397
Now, who can answer this?
210
00:08:59,398 --> 00:09:02,834
He hasn't asked it yet, ass-kissers.
211
00:09:02,835 --> 00:09:07,338
Churchill declared war while
sipping a Long Island Iced Tea.
212
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:10,074
The Magna Carta, French Revolution,
213
00:09:10,075 --> 00:09:11,709
my three divorces,
214
00:09:11,710 --> 00:09:13,377
what's the common denominator?
215
00:09:13,378 --> 00:09:15,012
Booze, duh.
216
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:17,849
Booze, duh!
217
00:09:17,850 --> 00:09:20,418
She didn't raise her hand.
218
00:09:20,419 --> 00:09:24,155
Boy, we have got some
eager beavers here, don't we?
219
00:09:24,156 --> 00:09:28,326
Ha, that's what my pimp told
us at our working brunch.
220
00:09:28,327 --> 00:09:30,428
Now...
221
00:09:30,429 --> 00:09:32,597
I have only one rule.
222
00:09:32,598 --> 00:09:33,831
No...
223
00:09:33,832 --> 00:09:34,832
(iPhone rings)
224
00:09:34,833 --> 00:09:37,435
Interruptions.
225
00:09:37,436 --> 00:09:40,338
This is crazy; no one
has called me in six years.
226
00:09:40,339 --> 00:09:42,440
I would have guessed longer.
227
00:09:42,441 --> 00:09:44,242
(laughs)
228
00:09:44,243 --> 00:09:46,710
Oh! Thanks, Julie.
229
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:50,047
Let's make some drinks!
230
00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:53,083
Oh, my God. I love school so much.
231
00:10:00,624 --> 00:10:02,292
How am I expected
to know the difference
232
00:10:02,293 --> 00:10:05,301
between a vodka sunrise
and a vodka sunset?
233
00:10:05,302 --> 00:10:09,038
12 hours and a missing pair of pants.
234
00:10:09,039 --> 00:10:10,839
Now, shh. I'm studying.
235
00:10:13,476 --> 00:10:16,145
That was the first
homework I've ever done.
236
00:10:16,146 --> 00:10:19,349
I've never seen you take
anything this seriously.
237
00:10:19,350 --> 00:10:22,051
And you had rabies once.
238
00:10:22,052 --> 00:10:24,886
Stop joking around. This is for school.
239
00:10:28,358 --> 00:10:31,995
Where did you get those glasses,
The Golden Girls?
240
00:10:31,996 --> 00:10:35,531
For the first time in my life,
I want to learn goodly.
241
00:10:35,532 --> 00:10:39,302
Max, have we switched bodies?
242
00:10:39,303 --> 00:10:41,837
If so, enjoy chlamydia.
243
00:10:44,007 --> 00:10:46,209
(sighs) I want to do well on this test.
244
00:10:46,210 --> 00:10:48,678
I want to get a, uh...
245
00:10:48,679 --> 00:10:50,680
what's the good letter?
246
00:10:50,681 --> 00:10:52,515
It's an A.
247
00:10:52,516 --> 00:10:55,351
And I think this is gonna be
the first time I don't get one.
248
00:10:55,352 --> 00:10:58,087
I am just not connecting
to the material.
249
00:10:58,088 --> 00:11:01,891
Like sci-fi comedy,
I mean, pick a lane.
250
00:11:01,892 --> 00:11:03,526
Well, give me that book
251
00:11:03,527 --> 00:11:05,561
'cause I'm gonna nail
this bartending exam
252
00:11:05,562 --> 00:11:09,432
like it's some guy I met
at the grocery store.
253
00:11:09,433 --> 00:11:13,403
Most of my tests just had
"see me" written at the top.
254
00:11:13,404 --> 00:11:15,071
Mine always had,
255
00:11:15,072 --> 00:11:17,707
"You've done it again,
Caroline Channing."
256
00:11:17,708 --> 00:11:19,842
And I have to do it again.
Let me try making a drink.
257
00:11:19,843 --> 00:11:21,711
Okay. Bartender?
258
00:11:21,712 --> 00:11:23,179
Make me a Bloody Mary.
259
00:11:23,180 --> 00:11:24,714
The drink, not my friend Mary Nichol
260
00:11:24,715 --> 00:11:26,749
who got her period in fourth grade.
261
00:11:26,750 --> 00:11:28,017
I have to get this.
262
00:11:28,018 --> 00:11:30,086
I know the bloody part is tomato juice,
263
00:11:30,087 --> 00:11:31,888
but what the hell is the Mary?
264
00:11:31,889 --> 00:11:34,624
I should know. I've dated so many.
265
00:11:34,625 --> 00:11:36,059
I'll give you a hint.
266
00:11:36,060 --> 00:11:38,628
Rhymes with "schmodka."
267
00:11:38,629 --> 00:11:40,897
Grodka!
268
00:11:40,898 --> 00:11:43,466
That's not even a thing.
What is wrong with me?
269
00:11:43,467 --> 00:11:46,702
Vodka.
270
00:11:46,703 --> 00:11:48,637
Um, that was clam juice.
271
00:11:50,706 --> 00:11:51,940
Sure was.
272
00:11:52,975 --> 00:11:55,044
(bell dings) Pick up, hot...
273
00:11:55,045 --> 00:11:57,313
doll.
274
00:11:57,314 --> 00:11:58,581
The Sophie doll?
275
00:11:58,582 --> 00:11:59,949
Well, it's covered in hair
276
00:11:59,950 --> 00:12:01,884
so it'll pass as food around here.
277
00:12:01,885 --> 00:12:03,453
Just get rid of it.
278
00:12:03,454 --> 00:12:05,955
Sophie's constantly using
it to criticize me,
279
00:12:05,956 --> 00:12:08,057
so I disconnected her app.
280
00:12:08,058 --> 00:12:10,126
I mean, how many times
can she yell at me
281
00:12:10,127 --> 00:12:12,494
to wash my hands after
going to the bathroom?
282
00:12:16,799 --> 00:12:18,634
Every time?
283
00:12:18,635 --> 00:12:21,170
That doll is driving me crazy.
284
00:12:21,171 --> 00:12:23,172
Plus, I think I'm...
285
00:12:23,173 --> 00:12:26,609
starting to have feelings for it.
286
00:12:26,610 --> 00:12:27,610
Fine.
287
00:12:27,611 --> 00:12:29,745
I'll take her.
288
00:12:29,746 --> 00:12:31,280
I haven't had a possessed doll
289
00:12:31,281 --> 00:12:34,083
since Chucky moved out in '09.
290
00:12:34,084 --> 00:12:36,085
Now, he could make a Bloody Mary.
291
00:12:36,086 --> 00:12:38,186
And a bloody Denise and a bloody Julio.
292
00:12:42,425 --> 00:12:45,428
Speaking of creepy dolls come to life.
293
00:12:45,429 --> 00:12:48,531
Han, if you have open sores,
you have to go home.
294
00:12:48,532 --> 00:12:50,867
Not that it's stopped
anyone else who works here.
295
00:12:50,868 --> 00:12:52,835
I can't go home.
296
00:12:52,836 --> 00:12:55,438
I took an oatmeal bath
to get rid of the itching,
297
00:12:55,439 --> 00:12:57,440
and it flooded my apartment.
298
00:12:57,441 --> 00:12:59,041
I tried eating it down,
299
00:12:59,042 --> 00:13:01,878
but I passed out and nearly suffocated.
300
00:13:01,879 --> 00:13:05,548
Well, find a nice subway
bench to curl up on.
301
00:13:05,549 --> 00:13:07,450
Or even a Subway sandwich.
302
00:13:07,451 --> 00:13:09,674
You know how embarrassing
it would be to catch a disease
303
00:13:09,675 --> 00:13:13,356
from a guy I haven't slept with?
304
00:13:13,357 --> 00:13:14,857
(gasps)
305
00:13:14,858 --> 00:13:16,959
What? Do I have something in my teeth?
306
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,362
Yes, of course. But not that.
307
00:13:19,363 --> 00:13:23,032
Max, I think you have chicken pox.
308
00:13:23,033 --> 00:13:26,302
Well, I could make this
less embarrassing for you.
309
00:13:26,303 --> 00:13:28,336
We could have sex.
310
00:13:32,842 --> 00:13:34,544
Ugh.
311
00:13:34,545 --> 00:13:36,479
I can't believe that
little Outbreak monkey
312
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,182
gave me the pox!
313
00:13:39,183 --> 00:13:41,050
If I get my mittens on him,
I'm gonna tear him
314
00:13:41,051 --> 00:13:43,252
from tiny limb to tiny limb.
315
00:13:43,253 --> 00:13:46,389
Best I stay in the bathroom then?
316
00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:48,157
No.
317
00:13:48,158 --> 00:13:51,494
Come on out, patient-zero-friends.
318
00:13:51,495 --> 00:13:53,596
I need you to enter
your Netflix password.
319
00:13:53,597 --> 00:13:57,433
It's "Han job 69."
You're the one who set it.
320
00:13:57,434 --> 00:14:00,036
And thanks for letting me crash here.
321
00:14:00,037 --> 00:14:03,105
I'm not sure you can legally
make me your butler for life,
322
00:14:03,106 --> 00:14:05,908
but I did sign the contract.
323
00:14:05,909 --> 00:14:09,178
I'm still feeling a little woozy.
324
00:14:09,179 --> 00:14:10,680
Hello, Sophie.
325
00:14:10,681 --> 00:14:12,715
Don't change the subject.
326
00:14:12,716 --> 00:14:15,117
For the first time,
I really wanted to go to school.
327
00:14:15,118 --> 00:14:17,353
I know I could fit
your head in my toilet,
328
00:14:17,354 --> 00:14:19,377
but I wonder if I can get
your whole body in there.
329
00:14:19,378 --> 00:14:23,292
Wow, you really put the
"bitch" in "itch."
330
00:14:23,293 --> 00:14:25,695
Could you?
331
00:14:25,696 --> 00:14:28,097
Ah, that's the stuff.
332
00:14:28,098 --> 00:14:30,533
Now get my back.
333
00:14:30,534 --> 00:14:33,069
You like that? Is it hard enough?
334
00:14:33,070 --> 00:14:34,270
Am I hurting you?
335
00:14:34,271 --> 00:14:36,239
Don't flatter yourself.
336
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,040
Don't stop till I get enough.
337
00:14:38,041 --> 00:14:41,076
OLEG: Won't that be easier
if Max takes her shirt off?
338
00:14:42,211 --> 00:14:43,379
Oleg!
339
00:14:43,380 --> 00:14:45,281
Are you spying on us?
340
00:14:45,282 --> 00:14:48,217
OLEG: Momma.
341
00:14:48,218 --> 00:14:49,552
I am so screwed.
342
00:14:49,553 --> 00:14:51,754
The bartending test is in two hours,
343
00:14:51,755 --> 00:14:53,789
and I can't remember
what goes in a White Lady.
344
00:14:53,790 --> 00:14:57,727
A bottle of chardonnay and then
a fat guy that makes her laugh.
345
00:14:57,728 --> 00:14:59,328
OLEG: Is that Caroline?
346
00:14:59,329 --> 00:15:01,596
She sounds like she's
not wearing underwear.
347
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:07,069
How did Oleg get inside the doll?
348
00:15:07,070 --> 00:15:10,573
Wish it was the first time I said that.
349
00:15:10,574 --> 00:15:11,807
OLEG: I got the app,
350
00:15:11,808 --> 00:15:14,143
and now I have a Saturday night.
351
00:15:14,144 --> 00:15:17,179
SOPHIE: Oleg, have you
seen my Sophie doll?
352
00:15:17,180 --> 00:15:19,148
OLEG: Uh... I haven't seen her.
353
00:15:19,149 --> 00:15:20,616
(whispers) Gotta go.
354
00:15:20,617 --> 00:15:24,320
Wait, this thing works with any phone?
355
00:15:24,321 --> 00:15:26,455
Oh, my God, Max, we can use the doll so
356
00:15:26,456 --> 00:15:28,924
you can read me the ingredients
for drinks on the test.
357
00:15:28,925 --> 00:15:31,661
You mean cheat? At school?
358
00:15:31,662 --> 00:15:33,329
Wow, maybe we did switch bodies.
359
00:15:33,330 --> 00:15:36,666
- Rats.
- Oh, thank God.
360
00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:38,334
Is there any way I could
get either of you
361
00:15:38,335 --> 00:15:40,603
to scratch my tum-tum?
362
00:15:40,604 --> 00:15:43,306
Here.
363
00:15:43,307 --> 00:15:44,307
Ooh.
364
00:15:44,308 --> 00:15:46,674
The nails are real.
365
00:15:48,087 --> 00:15:48,710
Ooh.
366
00:15:48,711 --> 00:15:49,613
♪
367
00:15:58,484 --> 00:16:00,218
Nice shirt, nerd.
368
00:16:00,674 --> 00:16:03,109
Ooh, nice shirt.
369
00:16:03,110 --> 00:16:04,342
Thanks, Mr. B.
370
00:16:05,478 --> 00:16:07,079
Any love for my shirt?
371
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,414
Mm, feels desperate.
372
00:16:08,415 --> 00:16:10,483
Hey, where's Max?
373
00:16:10,484 --> 00:16:12,585
A bunch of us are going
to Chili's after class.
374
00:16:12,586 --> 00:16:14,687
Max is sick, but I'm totally free.
375
00:16:14,688 --> 00:16:17,523
Mm, reservation's only for ten.
376
00:16:17,524 --> 00:16:19,759
But Max isn't here,
so I can take her spot.
377
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,126
You'd think.
378
00:16:23,095 --> 00:16:24,363
What's that?
379
00:16:24,364 --> 00:16:26,799
Oh, this is my emotional support doll.
380
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,933
I brush her hair and it calms me down.
381
00:16:28,934 --> 00:16:30,535
I'm not insane.
382
00:16:30,536 --> 00:16:32,804
Hey, I've been saying
that for 30 years!
383
00:16:32,805 --> 00:16:34,639
All right, kiddies,
384
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,008
I need ten drinks in ten minutes.
385
00:16:37,009 --> 00:16:39,244
Or, as a blacked-out me once said,
386
00:16:39,245 --> 00:16:41,713
"Let's get this starty parted."
387
00:16:41,714 --> 00:16:42,681
Begin.
388
00:16:42,682 --> 00:16:44,549
Max, are you there?
389
00:16:44,550 --> 00:16:45,917
Can you see the set-up?
390
00:16:45,918 --> 00:16:47,886
I see you and Julie both
391
00:16:47,887 --> 00:16:51,189
shop at Tommy Bah-Brown Nose.
392
00:16:51,190 --> 00:16:53,224
Care for a cinnamon
stick in your cocoa?
393
00:16:53,225 --> 00:16:56,695
Never mind, a millipede carried it off.
394
00:16:56,696 --> 00:16:58,797
How's school? Did anybody ask about me?
395
00:16:58,798 --> 00:17:00,565
Tell Keith whassup.
396
00:17:00,566 --> 00:17:02,567
And tell Dave whassup,
but not in front of Keith.
397
00:17:02,568 --> 00:17:04,202
Max, focus.
398
00:17:04,203 --> 00:17:06,471
The first drink I have
to make is a Negroni.
399
00:17:06,472 --> 00:17:08,406
And I'll tell you how to make it
400
00:17:08,407 --> 00:17:10,342
as soon as you relay a message to Jeff
401
00:17:10,343 --> 00:17:12,143
that goes a lot like this:
402
00:17:12,144 --> 00:17:13,611
whassup.
403
00:17:13,612 --> 00:17:14,746
(sighs)
404
00:17:14,747 --> 00:17:17,282
Max says, "Whassup, whassup."
405
00:17:17,283 --> 00:17:19,084
Okay, I'm listening.
406
00:17:19,085 --> 00:17:20,618
Gin.
407
00:17:20,619 --> 00:17:22,253
MAX: No, that's not gin.
408
00:17:22,254 --> 00:17:24,356
Did you even go to kindergarten?
409
00:17:24,357 --> 00:17:26,558
It's the one right next to it.
410
00:17:26,559 --> 00:17:27,759
Got it.
411
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,161
Wow, I am really cheating.
412
00:17:30,162 --> 00:17:33,298
I am such a bad girl.
413
00:17:33,299 --> 00:17:36,000
Here we go, hot cocoa Han-style.
414
00:17:36,001 --> 00:17:38,470
Complete with a frothy
marshmallow layer.
415
00:17:38,471 --> 00:17:40,505
Ooh, marshmallows.
416
00:17:40,506 --> 00:17:42,574
And marshmallows, got it.
417
00:17:42,575 --> 00:17:43,842
No, no, no, not you.
418
00:17:43,843 --> 00:17:45,944
I was talking to Swiss Miss over here.
419
00:17:45,945 --> 00:17:47,178
[both screaming]
420
00:17:47,179 --> 00:17:48,813
Aah...
421
00:17:48,814 --> 00:17:51,850
choo.
422
00:17:51,851 --> 00:17:54,185
Man, you are acting crazier than me
423
00:17:54,186 --> 00:17:56,388
when I was stalking Tom Hanks.
424
00:17:56,389 --> 00:17:57,789
It's okay, it's okay.
425
00:17:57,790 --> 00:17:59,824
(stammers) You spilled
all over the book.
426
00:17:59,825 --> 00:18:02,127
I can't read a thing. How is this okay?
427
00:18:02,128 --> 00:18:03,361
Because...
428
00:18:03,362 --> 00:18:05,295
that was your cocoa.
429
00:18:07,832 --> 00:18:09,601
Mmm.
430
00:18:09,602 --> 00:18:12,871
How do you like your
girl Swiss Miss now?
431
00:18:12,872 --> 00:18:15,340
You better grab something
to dry this book off.
432
00:18:15,341 --> 00:18:17,776
Bookoff? Is that a vodka?
433
00:18:17,777 --> 00:18:19,544
I'm panicking. I'm gonna fail.
434
00:18:19,545 --> 00:18:21,212
(hair dryer blowing) Aah!
435
00:18:21,213 --> 00:18:24,081
(hair dryer blowing loudly)
436
00:18:25,216 --> 00:18:26,651
Aw,
437
00:18:26,652 --> 00:18:28,392
cheating on a bartending test?
438
00:18:28,393 --> 00:18:31,494
I am gonna tell you the same
thing I told The Situation:
439
00:18:31,495 --> 00:18:34,197
you take it on back to Jersey.
440
00:18:34,198 --> 00:18:35,999
Good one, Mr. B.
441
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,336
Oh, thanks, Julie.
442
00:18:38,337 --> 00:18:40,705
I am so sorry, Mr. Bronski.
443
00:18:40,706 --> 00:18:42,639
Please don't fail me. I'll do anything.
444
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,342
- Oh.
- But nothing sexual.
445
00:18:44,343 --> 00:18:45,842
Oh.
446
00:18:45,843 --> 00:18:48,043
I mean, after all,
it's just bartending school.
447
00:18:49,746 --> 00:18:51,549
I'm gonna take this doll with me.
448
00:18:51,550 --> 00:18:53,684
She's gonna be our tenth at Chili's.
449
00:18:53,685 --> 00:18:55,686
MAX: (gasps)
450
00:18:55,687 --> 00:18:57,154
Hey, Mr. B, whassup!
451
00:18:57,155 --> 00:18:58,755
Hi, Max.
452
00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:03,060
I just can't get it out of my head.
453
00:19:03,061 --> 00:19:04,595
It was terrible.
454
00:19:04,596 --> 00:19:06,831
He ripped apart the doll
right in front of me.
455
00:19:06,832 --> 00:19:08,833
And then this part
I couldn't even tell you,
456
00:19:08,834 --> 00:19:11,102
I f...
457
00:19:11,103 --> 00:19:12,936
- Failed?
- Farted!
458
00:19:14,572 --> 00:19:17,074
You know how my stomach
gets when I'm upset.
459
00:19:17,075 --> 00:19:19,343
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
460
00:19:19,344 --> 00:19:21,512
I woke up with me and Han spooning.
461
00:19:21,513 --> 00:19:23,581
(gasps)
462
00:19:23,582 --> 00:19:25,116
Which spoon were you?
463
00:19:25,117 --> 00:19:28,451
The one with the stiffie
in her back for three hours.
464
00:19:30,554 --> 00:19:32,489
Hey, everybody.
465
00:19:35,059 --> 00:19:37,561
We just stopped in for
a Jolly Rancher shot
466
00:19:37,562 --> 00:19:38,962
on our way to a live sex show.
467
00:19:41,065 --> 00:19:42,233
Sophie, where's the baby?
468
00:19:42,234 --> 00:19:44,402
Oh, she's with the babysitter.
469
00:19:44,403 --> 00:19:48,304
Some perverted SOB
stole my Sophie doll.
470
00:19:49,707 --> 00:19:51,642
I realized that
471
00:19:51,643 --> 00:19:53,611
it's okay not to watch baby Barbara
472
00:19:53,612 --> 00:19:55,378
for 24-8.
473
00:19:56,914 --> 00:20:00,084
You know, in Poland,
we get the extra day.
474
00:20:00,085 --> 00:20:02,385
For dredging the lakes.
475
00:20:04,722 --> 00:20:06,624
Why don't you go
get us a table, Sophie?
476
00:20:06,625 --> 00:20:09,260
Okay.
477
00:20:09,261 --> 00:20:11,195
Any chance of getting that doll back?
478
00:20:11,196 --> 00:20:14,498
I really underestimated how
strong my feelings for it were.
479
00:20:14,499 --> 00:20:16,467
I know.
480
00:20:16,468 --> 00:20:19,670
I was the one who walked in
on you brushing her hair.
481
00:20:19,671 --> 00:20:22,973
And I was the one who
asked you not to repeat that.
482
00:20:22,974 --> 00:20:24,675
I'll have a mojito.
483
00:20:24,676 --> 00:20:26,310
Sorry, we don't do off-menu drinks.
484
00:20:26,311 --> 00:20:27,278
I'm on it.
485
00:20:27,279 --> 00:20:28,779
Bup-bup-bup!
486
00:20:28,780 --> 00:20:29,979
One mojito coming up.
487
00:20:31,449 --> 00:20:33,551
What are you doing?
We failed the class.
488
00:20:33,552 --> 00:20:36,620
Ooh, first time
I didn't fart saying that.
489
00:20:36,621 --> 00:20:37,955
You failed.
490
00:20:37,956 --> 00:20:39,590
Between studying and helping you cheat,
491
00:20:39,591 --> 00:20:41,692
I learned how to make
every drink in that book.
492
00:20:41,693 --> 00:20:45,296
Oh, my God, Max, you learned something.
493
00:20:45,297 --> 00:20:47,431
I failed so you could succeed.
494
00:20:47,432 --> 00:20:49,767
So in a way, I succeeded too.
495
00:20:49,768 --> 00:20:52,737
You've done it again,
Caroline Channing.
496
00:20:52,738 --> 00:20:55,004
OLEG: Oh, yeah!
497
00:20:58,175 --> 00:21:00,577
Oh. The live sex show is here.
498
00:21:03,748 --> 00:21:04,848
(cash register dings)
499
00:21:05,298 --> 00:21:13,232
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.