1
00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:05,340
Max, we're back!
2
00:00:05,408 --> 00:00:08,741
Oh that sucks. This place didn't
burn down while we were gone
3
00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:11,445
like I had hoped.
4
00:00:11,446 --> 00:00:15,349
The night is young, and I have
a Roman candle in my pocket.
5
00:00:15,350 --> 00:00:17,451
Hi, welcome to the Williamsburg diner.
6
00:00:17,452 --> 00:00:18,585
Table for two?
7
00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:20,220
Don't be silly, Earl.
8
00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:21,755
It's us, Max and Caroline.
9
00:00:21,756 --> 00:00:24,590
And I'm Earl. Smoking or nonsmoking?
10
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:27,895
Glad to have you back.
11
00:00:27,896 --> 00:00:29,329
Max and Caroline!
12
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,331
You're back from your road trip.
13
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:34,268
And right on time for yesterday's shift.
14
00:00:34,269 --> 00:00:36,136
We're also not working today.
15
00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:37,470
Tomorrow's not great either.
16
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:41,341
Ugh, thank God you're back.
17
00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:45,279
Besides Han, there hasn't been
a girl in here in days, and...
18
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:47,714
she's not my type.
19
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:48,715
What is your type?
20
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,883
Hepatitis A, B, or C?
21
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:55,188
So what did you bring us?
22
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:57,391
Uh, you guys don't understand.
23
00:00:57,392 --> 00:00:59,159
We got kicked off a riverboat,
24
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,661
almost crashed a plane,
25
00:01:00,662 --> 00:01:02,563
and lost everything we own.
26
00:01:02,564 --> 00:01:04,631
Honestly, it's a miracle we're alive.
27
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,966
So... no gifts?
28
00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:18,711
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
29
00:01:24,655 --> 00:01:25,798
Let's get to the dessert bar
30
00:01:25,799 --> 00:01:27,223
so we can see the work they did.
31
00:01:27,224 --> 00:01:28,658
Also so people don't think
32
00:01:28,659 --> 00:01:30,226
we're customers here.
33
00:01:30,227 --> 00:01:31,928
I'm excited to see it too,
34
00:01:31,929 --> 00:01:33,930
and now that Randy
and I are really over,
35
00:01:33,931 --> 00:01:37,167
I promise to give the
dessert bar my full 5%.
36
00:01:37,168 --> 00:01:39,602
Make it 6%.
37
00:01:39,603 --> 00:01:41,437
I mean, what else am I gonna do, hmm?
38
00:01:42,672 --> 00:01:43,772
Stop.
39
00:01:45,742 --> 00:01:47,577
Oleg, stop blocking the door.
40
00:01:47,578 --> 00:01:48,912
We're not on a date with you.
41
00:01:48,913 --> 00:01:50,947
We want to see the dessert bar.
42
00:01:50,948 --> 00:01:51,948
Eh, sure,
43
00:01:51,949 --> 00:01:53,616
but before you go in there,
44
00:01:53,617 --> 00:01:55,151
do you want to see a cute picture
45
00:01:55,152 --> 00:01:57,087
of me, Sophie, and baby Barbara?
46
00:01:57,088 --> 00:01:58,755
Sure.
47
00:02:01,624 --> 00:02:03,625
You didn't say it was in the bathtub.
48
00:02:05,362 --> 00:02:06,996
Well, now that you're annoyed
49
00:02:06,997 --> 00:02:08,431
and hopefully a little impressed...
50
00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:09,432
Mm-mm.
51
00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:10,433
I can tell you
52
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:11,657
I had to fire your contractor.
53
00:02:11,658 --> 00:02:12,802
What?
54
00:02:12,803 --> 00:02:14,170
I thought I could do a better job.
55
00:02:14,171 --> 00:02:15,471
- What?
- I couldn't.
56
00:02:17,374 --> 00:02:19,109
I can't believe Oleg!
57
00:02:19,110 --> 00:02:21,013
How the hell could he
let a complete stranger...
58
00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:25,048
Do such an amazing job?
59
00:02:25,049 --> 00:02:26,683
Wow.
60
00:02:26,684 --> 00:02:28,585
Wait, we're still killing
Oleg, though, right?
61
00:02:28,586 --> 00:02:30,719
'Cause the wheels are already in motion.
62
00:02:32,222 --> 00:02:33,823
Oh, my God, look at the doors.
63
00:02:33,824 --> 00:02:35,558
And the molding?
64
00:02:35,559 --> 00:02:37,994
And the sconces?
65
00:02:37,995 --> 00:02:39,763
I don't remember what an orgasm is like,
66
00:02:39,764 --> 00:02:41,831
but I think I might be having one.
67
00:02:41,832 --> 00:02:43,166
Hey, girls.
68
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,934
Welcome home.
69
00:02:44,935 --> 00:02:48,638
Baby Barbara thought you were dead.
70
00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:51,007
Isn't that funny?
71
00:02:51,008 --> 00:02:54,176
Not "Vince Vaughn doing
drama" funny, but what is?
72
00:02:55,545 --> 00:02:58,715
Wow, Barbara got so
big while we were gone.
73
00:02:58,716 --> 00:03:01,785
Oh, shh!
74
00:03:01,786 --> 00:03:03,489
You got to give her a
break, 'cause she got
75
00:03:03,490 --> 00:03:06,489
her Uncle Fatso's genes.
76
00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:08,691
By the way, Sophie, thank
you for watching our horse
77
00:03:08,692 --> 00:03:09,793
while we were gone.
78
00:03:09,794 --> 00:03:11,361
He's my favorite roommate.
79
00:03:11,362 --> 00:03:12,629
Aww, well, you know what,
80
00:03:12,630 --> 00:03:14,197
that's what friends are for.
81
00:03:14,198 --> 00:03:16,466
And I'm sure you would
do the same for me
82
00:03:16,467 --> 00:03:18,234
if I needed a favor.
83
00:03:18,235 --> 00:03:20,870
- Of course we would.
- Good, 'cause I need a favor.
84
00:03:20,871 --> 00:03:22,405
Yeah, see,
85
00:03:22,406 --> 00:03:25,408
I joined this mommy
support group, you know,
86
00:03:25,409 --> 00:03:28,311
to make sure that I'm
holding the baby up right,
87
00:03:28,312 --> 00:03:29,979
or you know,
88
00:03:29,980 --> 00:03:31,815
that I don't get too jealous
89
00:03:31,816 --> 00:03:33,916
when people compliment her.
90
00:03:35,151 --> 00:03:37,754
The standard mom stuff.
91
00:03:37,755 --> 00:03:39,255
So what's the favor?
92
00:03:39,256 --> 00:03:41,357
I'll do anything up to a Class B felony.
93
00:03:41,358 --> 00:03:42,759
I still have one strike left.
94
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,161
Well, I'm hosting,
95
00:03:45,162 --> 00:03:47,831
and there are gonna be a
lot of sloppy babies there,
96
00:03:47,832 --> 00:03:51,768
so I'm looking for a real dump.
97
00:03:51,769 --> 00:03:54,571
Can I use your place?
98
00:03:54,572 --> 00:03:56,272
- Aww.
- Sophie, I don't think...
99
00:03:56,273 --> 00:03:58,408
Thank you, girls.
100
00:03:58,409 --> 00:03:59,943
Yeah, you're the best,
101
00:03:59,944 --> 00:04:03,545
no matter what baby
Barbara tells her friends.
102
00:04:06,182 --> 00:04:08,585
I thought Barbara liked me.
103
00:04:08,586 --> 00:04:10,285
I'm gonna text her.
104
00:04:13,590 --> 00:04:15,024
Oh, hey. I'm Bobby.
105
00:04:15,025 --> 00:04:16,392
I did the work on your bar.
106
00:04:16,393 --> 00:04:18,962
You must be Max and Caroline.
107
00:04:18,963 --> 00:04:22,131
I'm Maroline, and this is Cax.
108
00:04:23,601 --> 00:04:25,344
- I mean...
- Yeah, let's just move past it.
109
00:04:25,345 --> 00:04:27,136
Uh, we're who you said.
110
00:04:27,137 --> 00:04:28,404
Well, I hope you like it.
111
00:04:28,405 --> 00:04:29,405
The only guidance I got
112
00:04:29,406 --> 00:04:30,540
was from your friend Oleg,
113
00:04:30,541 --> 00:04:32,442
who just kept saying "sluttier."
114
00:04:32,443 --> 00:04:35,110
And then he showed me a
picture of him in the bathtub.
115
00:04:36,646 --> 00:04:38,982
You did an amazing job.
116
00:04:38,983 --> 00:04:40,917
I mean, what you did with those knobs.
117
00:04:40,918 --> 00:04:43,453
Polished brass.
118
00:04:43,454 --> 00:04:46,222
Looks like you want to polish his brass.
119
00:04:46,223 --> 00:04:48,791
And how do you like the
satin on the sconces?
120
00:04:48,792 --> 00:04:50,727
Oh, my God.
121
00:04:50,728 --> 00:04:52,495
My knees are wiggling.
122
00:04:52,496 --> 00:04:53,963
You like that?
123
00:04:53,964 --> 00:04:56,432
- And the finish on the molding?
- Oh, love it!
124
00:04:56,433 --> 00:04:58,800
I think she's about to
finish on the molding.
125
00:05:00,670 --> 00:05:02,815
You're the only man
who knew what I wanted
126
00:05:02,816 --> 00:05:04,450
without me having to
tell him three times
127
00:05:04,451 --> 00:05:06,219
and then give up.
128
00:05:06,220 --> 00:05:07,320
Hey, great.
129
00:05:07,321 --> 00:05:08,624
I'll tell the boss you liked it.
130
00:05:08,625 --> 00:05:10,556
"Bobby, you did it again."
131
00:05:10,557 --> 00:05:12,020
In case you missed it, I'm the boss.
132
00:05:14,027 --> 00:05:15,314
See, 'cause he's the boss,
133
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,616
so he was telling himself.
134
00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:20,252
It's too many levels for her.
135
00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:22,220
Hey, um, listen, I
should probably get going,
136
00:05:22,221 --> 00:05:24,489
but if you need anything else,
137
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:25,657
you can call me.
138
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:28,160
Or my boss. Anytime.
139
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:31,630
Well, I might just
have to call you both.
140
00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:33,164
Ciao!
141
00:05:34,766 --> 00:05:37,336
"Ciao"?
142
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,404
Unless you're gonna
say "mein" after that,
143
00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:41,173
I don't know what you're talking about.
144
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,941
He's really cute.
145
00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:44,743
Oh, you think so?
146
00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:46,445
You were playing it
pretty cool, Maroline.
147
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,753
Ooh, oops.
148
00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:56,188
Oh, don't worry,
149
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,589
you can ruin everything in here.
150
00:05:57,590 --> 00:05:58,757
I don't care.
151
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:01,927
I do.
152
00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:04,596
I just scrubbed the couch.
153
00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:07,833
How much longer do we
have to stay in here?
154
00:06:07,834 --> 00:06:10,969
Caroline's talking about
a third grade field trip.
155
00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:14,373
I got lost in Toronto.
156
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,141
Girls, ignore them.
157
00:06:16,142 --> 00:06:17,976
Society does.
158
00:06:17,977 --> 00:06:19,011
Yeah.
159
00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:21,847
Uh, so where are your babies?
160
00:06:21,848 --> 00:06:23,115
Out parking the car?
161
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:27,719
See, I don't let Barbara drive yet.
162
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,487
Should I?
163
00:06:30,856 --> 00:06:33,125
We don't bring 'em to the meetings.
164
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:34,493
They ruin everything.
165
00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:35,994
Starting with our vaginas.
166
00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:37,462
Oh, yeah,
167
00:06:37,463 --> 00:06:38,630
my husband ruined mine
168
00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:39,731
on my first date.
169
00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:45,303
See... well, see, I thought
170
00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:47,639
that a mother's group, you know, you...
171
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,241
you talk about your babies.
172
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,710
Wouldn't they love that?
173
00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:53,345
No, this is for us to...
174
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:55,881
to trade pills and get trashed
175
00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:58,917
and fantasize about Gone
Girl-ing our husbands.
176
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:02,988
Oh, my God, I'm doing everything wrong.
177
00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:06,591
Yeah, just like the '84
Olympics all over again.
178
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,227
What's up, sluts?
179
00:07:11,329 --> 00:07:13,065
Ugh, there's a baby here?
180
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,199
If I weren't already stoned,
181
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,235
I'd drive somewhere else.
182
00:07:17,236 --> 00:07:19,171
My bad.
183
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:20,405
Yeah, see,
184
00:07:20,406 --> 00:07:22,274
I thought we were gonna
185
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,209
compare notes on bedtimes
186
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:26,244
and how asleep a baby has to be
187
00:07:26,245 --> 00:07:28,113
to have sex in front of it.
188
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:31,516
You have sex with your trainer too?
189
00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:33,702
Should I?
190
00:07:41,208 --> 00:07:43,410
Seeing what you girls
did to the dessert bar
191
00:07:43,411 --> 00:07:46,680
inspired me to make some
improvements around here.
192
00:07:46,681 --> 00:07:47,881
Don't tell me you found a way
193
00:07:47,882 --> 00:07:49,683
to unstick the menus from the tables.
194
00:07:49,684 --> 00:07:52,919
Whoa, one step at a time.
195
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,122
I did give this place more of a facelift
196
00:07:55,123 --> 00:07:58,091
than Brad Pitt in preparation
for the movie Allied.
197
00:07:58,092 --> 00:08:00,927
Yeah, Han, this place
looks exactly the same.
198
00:08:00,928 --> 00:08:03,663
My suicide note is still
scrawled on the wall.
199
00:08:03,664 --> 00:08:07,334
Yeah, it looks like the
same old post office to me.
200
00:08:07,335 --> 00:08:09,602
It's not a freakin' post office!
201
00:08:12,005 --> 00:08:14,241
Max, we should really get
over to the dessert bar.
202
00:08:14,242 --> 00:08:17,277
Bobby's on his way to look
at those gorgeous sconces
203
00:08:17,278 --> 00:08:19,045
I am very unhappy with.
204
00:08:19,046 --> 00:08:21,014
Why do you have to use the dessert bar
205
00:08:21,015 --> 00:08:22,382
as an excuse to see him?
206
00:08:22,383 --> 00:08:23,983
If you like him, why don't you just say,
207
00:08:24,007 --> 00:08:26,119
"Hey, you're cute.
Want to see my horse?"
208
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:29,556
Because a lady waits for a gentleman
209
00:08:29,557 --> 00:08:31,224
to ask to see her horse.
210
00:08:31,225 --> 00:08:33,226
I don't know what ladies
you're hanging out with.
211
00:08:33,227 --> 00:08:35,028
Apparently none.
212
00:08:35,029 --> 00:08:36,897
Ooh!
213
00:08:36,898 --> 00:08:38,131
Bobby's at the dessert bar.
214
00:08:38,132 --> 00:08:39,466
Let me just change into something
215
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:40,734
a little more comfortable.
216
00:08:40,735 --> 00:08:42,936
Why are you making this so complicated?
217
00:08:42,937 --> 00:08:44,805
Why don't you just
say, "Let's get drinks
218
00:08:44,806 --> 00:08:46,472
to make the sex less awkward?"
219
00:08:49,276 --> 00:08:51,176
Or you could do that.
220
00:08:54,548 --> 00:08:58,952
Oh, hi, Bobby, I forgot
you were stopping by.
221
00:08:58,953 --> 00:09:02,722
She thought she was hosting
Wheel of Fortune in here.
222
00:09:02,723 --> 00:09:05,058
I'd buy a vowel from her.
223
00:09:05,059 --> 00:09:07,626
Well, it would be two As.
224
00:09:09,162 --> 00:09:10,497
Uh...
225
00:09:10,498 --> 00:09:12,232
oh, uh, what did you want to show me?
226
00:09:12,233 --> 00:09:14,935
Apparently a little side boob.
227
00:09:14,936 --> 00:09:16,069
This sconce.
228
00:09:16,070 --> 00:09:17,671
I noticed that if I put
229
00:09:17,672 --> 00:09:20,140
all the force of my body against it,
230
00:09:20,141 --> 00:09:21,174
it moves a little.
231
00:09:21,175 --> 00:09:23,276
See?
232
00:09:26,079 --> 00:09:27,447
Ugh, I...
233
00:09:27,448 --> 00:09:28,815
I must have jammed it into place
234
00:09:28,816 --> 00:09:30,817
while I was testing its virility.
235
00:09:30,818 --> 00:09:32,619
I mean, stability.
236
00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:34,687
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh.
237
00:09:37,123 --> 00:09:39,659
See? Told you it was loose.
238
00:09:39,660 --> 00:09:41,795
I guess I have stick
around as long as it takes
239
00:09:41,796 --> 00:09:43,196
until it's fixed.
240
00:09:43,197 --> 00:09:46,600
Oh, good, because I wouldn't feel safe
241
00:09:46,601 --> 00:09:49,870
pulling aggressively on
anything until you do.
242
00:09:49,871 --> 00:09:51,504
Caroline!
243
00:09:51,505 --> 00:09:53,206
We got to get to the hospital.
244
00:09:53,207 --> 00:09:54,641
Oh, no, I'm fine.
245
00:09:54,642 --> 00:09:55,942
Bobby caught me.
246
00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:58,712
Not for you, Vanna Very White.
247
00:09:58,713 --> 00:10:01,314
I just got a call saying Randy
was in an accident in Manhattan.
248
00:10:01,315 --> 00:10:02,738
He must have been coming to see me.
249
00:10:02,739 --> 00:10:04,317
Just when I thought it was over,
250
00:10:04,318 --> 00:10:07,988
he ropes me back in with a
life-threatening emergency.
251
00:10:07,989 --> 00:10:09,322
How bad is he?
252
00:10:09,323 --> 00:10:11,191
Because these sconces
253
00:10:11,192 --> 00:10:13,526
won't be able to wear
this dress again tomorrow.
254
00:10:13,527 --> 00:10:15,629
All I know is that it's
serious, and they called me
255
00:10:15,630 --> 00:10:17,464
'cause I'm the emergency
contact on his phone.
256
00:10:17,465 --> 00:10:19,799
Okay. I'll be back as fast as I can.
257
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,868
I'll work as slow as I can.
258
00:10:21,869 --> 00:10:24,170
I won't tell your
boss... 'cause he's the...
259
00:10:24,171 --> 00:10:25,504
I get it. Let's go.
260
00:10:28,241 --> 00:10:30,010
Oh, he's still alive.
261
00:10:30,011 --> 00:10:31,711
Oh, thank God his face isn't hurt.
262
00:10:31,712 --> 00:10:33,847
And... one, two, three, four, five, six.
263
00:10:33,848 --> 00:10:35,181
Yep, they're all there.
264
00:10:35,182 --> 00:10:37,751
Why is his shirt always off?
265
00:10:37,752 --> 00:10:40,754
He's like Kirsten Dunst
in a dramatic role.
266
00:10:40,755 --> 00:10:43,256
Well, I had to take his
shirt off, because...
267
00:10:43,257 --> 00:10:46,059
well, 'cause you know, he broke his leg.
268
00:10:46,060 --> 00:10:47,861
This is a private room.
269
00:10:47,862 --> 00:10:49,095
You ladies can't be in here.
270
00:10:49,096 --> 00:10:51,331
I'm his emergency contact, Max.
271
00:10:51,332 --> 00:10:53,366
I'll take the rest of his
clothing off from here.
272
00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:54,935
And can you get me a straw
273
00:10:54,936 --> 00:10:57,904
so we can share this
morphine drip Mai tai style?
274
00:10:57,905 --> 00:10:59,205
You girls have two minutes,
275
00:10:59,206 --> 00:11:00,840
and remember, this is a hospital,
276
00:11:00,841 --> 00:11:02,709
so no messing around.
277
00:11:02,710 --> 00:11:04,309
Ooh, that's my coconut oil.
278
00:11:06,379 --> 00:11:07,614
Coconut oil?
279
00:11:07,615 --> 00:11:09,249
Great, now he's edible.
280
00:11:09,250 --> 00:11:10,984
Oh, my God, Max.
281
00:11:10,985 --> 00:11:14,421
This is very An Affair to Remember.
282
00:11:14,422 --> 00:11:16,756
I'm more of a Quickie
to Forget kind of girl.
283
00:11:16,757 --> 00:11:20,193
No, that Randy came all the
way to New York to see you
284
00:11:20,194 --> 00:11:21,928
and then got into a tragic accident
285
00:11:21,929 --> 00:11:24,597
and now here you are at his bedside.
286
00:11:24,598 --> 00:11:27,467
Max, I don't want to
get ahead of myself,
287
00:11:27,468 --> 00:11:29,636
but we might both have boyfriends.
288
00:11:29,637 --> 00:11:34,374
Double date dance?
289
00:11:34,375 --> 00:11:36,042
Max?
290
00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:38,979
What are you doing here?
291
00:11:38,980 --> 00:11:40,580
Where's my shirt?
292
00:11:40,581 --> 00:11:42,983
When did Caroline start
hosting Wheel of Fortune?
293
00:11:42,984 --> 00:11:45,285
Ah, that's what I said!
294
00:11:45,286 --> 00:11:46,987
Um, I got the call that you were hurt,
295
00:11:46,988 --> 00:11:48,054
so I came right over,
296
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,055
and as for your shirt,
297
00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:50,423
I think the nurses
298
00:11:50,424 --> 00:11:53,226
are making a pillow husband out of it.
299
00:11:53,227 --> 00:11:55,295
Hi, Randy, sorry you broke your leg,
300
00:11:55,296 --> 00:11:56,329
but great news.
301
00:11:56,330 --> 00:11:58,431
I like someone.
302
00:11:58,432 --> 00:11:59,632
Oh, that's right.
303
00:11:59,633 --> 00:12:01,801
You're still my emergency contact.
304
00:12:01,802 --> 00:12:03,003
I'm sorry.
305
00:12:03,004 --> 00:12:06,006
I never switched it back to my trainer.
306
00:12:06,007 --> 00:12:08,775
What happened? Was it
a runaway hot dog cart?
307
00:12:08,776 --> 00:12:10,677
Because that is my worst nightmare...
308
00:12:10,678 --> 00:12:14,180
besides having my credit
card declined at Kohl's.
309
00:12:14,181 --> 00:12:17,017
But I lived through it.
310
00:12:17,018 --> 00:12:20,420
I got hit by a cab on my way to JFK.
311
00:12:20,421 --> 00:12:21,604
You mean you got hit by a cab
312
00:12:21,605 --> 00:12:23,623
on your way from JFK.
313
00:12:23,624 --> 00:12:25,358
You were in New York to see me, right?
314
00:12:25,359 --> 00:12:27,360
Track me down, beg me to take you back,
315
00:12:27,361 --> 00:12:29,696
pull my hair a little?
316
00:12:29,697 --> 00:12:31,498
No, I was... I was leaving.
317
00:12:31,499 --> 00:12:32,966
Leaving? But you hadn't...
318
00:12:32,967 --> 00:12:33,967
Do you know what?
319
00:12:33,968 --> 00:12:35,168
The accident must have
320
00:12:35,169 --> 00:12:38,138
given him that "to-and-from-lexia."
321
00:12:38,139 --> 00:12:39,839
I think Whoopi Goldberg has it.
322
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,509
Time's up, ladies. Patient
needs a sponge bath.
323
00:12:42,510 --> 00:12:44,778
He's got coconut oil all over him.
324
00:12:44,779 --> 00:12:46,046
Hey, Max, wait.
325
00:12:46,047 --> 00:12:48,181
She just got here. Didn't she?
326
00:12:48,182 --> 00:12:50,884
Told ya. He's got that
"come-and-go-heimers."
327
00:12:50,885 --> 00:12:52,452
Whoopi writes all about it in her book.
328
00:12:52,453 --> 00:12:54,753
It's very hard to follow.
329
00:13:06,277 --> 00:13:08,612
Max, these are like pajamas
330
00:13:08,613 --> 00:13:10,380
for couples who don't care anymore.
331
00:13:11,782 --> 00:13:13,717
Speak for yourself.
332
00:13:13,718 --> 00:13:16,620
These puppies care a lot.
333
00:13:16,621 --> 00:13:18,555
Oh, good, they're all gone.
334
00:13:18,556 --> 00:13:21,492
They left me zero room to sign his cast.
335
00:13:21,493 --> 00:13:22,996
I want to get back to the dessert bar
336
00:13:22,997 --> 00:13:24,295
while Bobby's still there
337
00:13:24,296 --> 00:13:26,563
and possibly working up a little sweat.
338
00:13:26,564 --> 00:13:28,332
Go ahead. I'll punch you out.
339
00:13:28,333 --> 00:13:29,700
But if you keep leaving early,
340
00:13:29,701 --> 00:13:31,244
they're gonna make you work Christmas.
341
00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:32,903
Nurse, we need all hands on deck.
342
00:13:32,904 --> 00:13:34,238
We've got a 41 in here,
343
00:13:34,239 --> 00:13:36,040
and he's a squirter.
344
00:13:36,041 --> 00:13:38,107
You... you're up, girl.
I had the last one.
345
00:13:45,983 --> 00:13:47,985
"Dear Randy, Nice ass.
346
00:13:47,986 --> 00:13:49,119
Nurse Barb."
347
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,354
Well, that is good.
348
00:13:55,759 --> 00:13:57,160
Max.
349
00:13:59,263 --> 00:14:00,898
I didn't wake you, did I?
350
00:14:00,899 --> 00:14:03,367
But now that you're up,
why are you in New York?
351
00:14:03,368 --> 00:14:05,803
You said you were on
your way to the airport
352
00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:06,837
when you got hurt?
353
00:14:06,838 --> 00:14:09,239
I was.
354
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,575
So you weren't here to see me.
355
00:14:11,576 --> 00:14:14,511
No, I was trying not to see you.
356
00:14:14,512 --> 00:14:16,180
Wow.
357
00:14:16,181 --> 00:14:17,181
I'm leaving.
358
00:14:17,182 --> 00:14:18,582
Max.
359
00:14:18,583 --> 00:14:20,851
Ow.
360
00:14:20,852 --> 00:14:22,486
You broke up with me.
361
00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:25,322
That time over the phone?
362
00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:27,791
You took that seriously? That's insane.
363
00:14:27,792 --> 00:14:31,495
The "This is a cry for
attention" was implied.
364
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:34,565
What I heard was, "This
isn't enough for me,"
365
00:14:34,566 --> 00:14:36,589
and since we can't make
it work, it just... it's...
366
00:14:36,590 --> 00:14:37,968
it's too hard for me to see you.
367
00:14:37,969 --> 00:14:39,552
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard what you said
368
00:14:39,553 --> 00:14:41,372
on the movie set.
369
00:14:41,373 --> 00:14:42,840
In Texas?
370
00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:44,775
How'd you hear what I said on set?
371
00:14:44,776 --> 00:14:46,443
I was a zombie extra.
372
00:14:46,444 --> 00:14:48,712
Grow up.
373
00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:50,147
That was you.
374
00:14:50,148 --> 00:14:52,116
Everyone said I was
crazy because I thought
375
00:14:52,117 --> 00:14:54,018
I saw you and Caroline on set.
376
00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:56,687
My therapist put me on antidepressants.
377
00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,255
Yeah, well, joke's on them,
378
00:14:58,256 --> 00:14:59,799
'cause it really was me hanging there.
379
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,191
Max, that's crazy.
380
00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:02,975
Why didn't you say
something when you saw me?
381
00:15:02,976 --> 00:15:04,795
Because you said you
were in a good place
382
00:15:04,796 --> 00:15:07,097
and you want to move
on, blah, blah, blah.
383
00:15:07,098 --> 00:15:08,766
And I don't want to hurt you anymore.
384
00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:11,568
But now I want to break your other leg.
385
00:15:11,569 --> 00:15:12,836
Max, look at us.
386
00:15:12,837 --> 00:15:15,172
I ran to the airport
and got hit by a cab
387
00:15:15,173 --> 00:15:16,340
trying to get out of here
388
00:15:16,341 --> 00:15:18,275
because I was tempted to see you.
389
00:15:18,276 --> 00:15:22,679
And you broke into a
hospital not to steal drugs.
390
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,215
Maybe this relationship is bad for us.
391
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:28,685
There's just so much squirting!
392
00:15:28,686 --> 00:15:31,454
Definitely for Caroline.
393
00:15:35,292 --> 00:15:36,393
I miss you.
394
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:38,128
I miss you too.
395
00:15:38,129 --> 00:15:41,432
Then let's stop being crazy.
396
00:15:41,433 --> 00:15:42,533
Move to LA.
397
00:15:42,534 --> 00:15:45,369
You know, six years ago,
398
00:15:45,370 --> 00:15:47,237
I would've done that in a heartbeat.
399
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,540
I would've thrown my bubblegum cigs
400
00:15:49,541 --> 00:15:51,308
and my nunchucks in a Safeway bag
401
00:15:51,309 --> 00:15:53,610
and been your lady.
402
00:15:53,611 --> 00:15:56,046
But it's different now. I'm different.
403
00:15:56,047 --> 00:15:57,281
I care about something,
404
00:15:57,282 --> 00:16:01,752
and I have people who count on me.
405
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,654
I've built a life here.
406
00:16:03,655 --> 00:16:04,754
Damn it.
407
00:16:06,390 --> 00:16:09,992
Max, you know I can't
leave my firm in LA.
408
00:16:11,728 --> 00:16:15,399
So what happens now?
409
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,666
I think we kiss good-bye.
410
00:16:20,871 --> 00:16:23,207
Mm-mm.
411
00:16:23,208 --> 00:16:25,476
Hmm, I think that might set us back.
412
00:16:25,477 --> 00:16:27,611
I mean, you're already in a bed,
413
00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:29,035
and these pants come off real easy.
414
00:16:29,036 --> 00:16:30,214
I think you know that.
415
00:16:30,215 --> 00:16:32,483
Oh, yeah. I forgot.
416
00:16:32,484 --> 00:16:35,886
How about a hug?
417
00:16:35,887 --> 00:16:37,855
Hmm.
418
00:16:37,856 --> 00:16:40,491
You really trust yourself
against the girls?
419
00:16:40,492 --> 00:16:43,994
Not even remotely.
420
00:16:43,995 --> 00:16:45,095
How about a handshake?
421
00:16:45,096 --> 00:16:47,197
There's nothing less sexual.
422
00:16:47,198 --> 00:16:49,299
Okay, but two pumps and we're out.
423
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,601
I can't not make it sexual.
424
00:16:57,341 --> 00:17:00,277
You smell nice.
425
00:17:00,278 --> 00:17:02,211
I've got a lot of jerky in my pocket.
426
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:06,283
Good news is,
427
00:17:06,284 --> 00:17:08,719
I saved a man's life.
428
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,387
Bad news is,
429
00:17:10,388 --> 00:17:12,221
I left a ring inside him.
430
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,462
Here's your flan-tini
431
00:17:18,463 --> 00:17:21,230
and a side of a bottle of tequila.
432
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,501
Why are you so sad, Caroline?
433
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:28,438
I mean, she doesn't have kids.
434
00:17:28,439 --> 00:17:30,007
Well, I did like this guy Bobby,
435
00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:31,842
but then I had to go
with Max to see Randy,
436
00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:33,710
and I got squirted on,
437
00:17:33,711 --> 00:17:35,879
and I didn't get back in
time to see him and possibly
438
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,081
missed a chance at a
lifetime of happiness.
439
00:17:38,082 --> 00:17:39,715
Too much talking from the waitress.
440
00:17:43,221 --> 00:17:44,388
Uh, ladies,
441
00:17:44,389 --> 00:17:45,889
are all of the daddies
442
00:17:45,890 --> 00:17:47,658
still in the picture?
443
00:17:47,659 --> 00:17:49,893
'Cause I can't shimmy down a fire escape
444
00:17:49,894 --> 00:17:51,728
like I used to.
445
00:17:51,729 --> 00:17:53,130
That's so funny.
446
00:17:53,131 --> 00:17:55,165
If my doorman drops out of the rotation,
447
00:17:55,166 --> 00:17:56,433
I'll give you a call.
448
00:17:56,434 --> 00:17:59,903
Uh, let me give you my beeper number.
449
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:01,772
Yep!
450
00:18:01,773 --> 00:18:05,475
I'm really having a
blast with my mom friends.
451
00:18:05,476 --> 00:18:09,980
Do you have an aspirin,
or a sledgehammer?
452
00:18:09,981 --> 00:18:11,804
Why do you want to hang
out with these ladies?
453
00:18:11,805 --> 00:18:12,783
They're mean.
454
00:18:12,784 --> 00:18:14,451
One of them tried to trip me.
455
00:18:14,452 --> 00:18:17,721
Yeah, that was me.
456
00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:19,790
Yeah, I... I was trying to impress them.
457
00:18:19,791 --> 00:18:22,059
Sophie, I wished my mom
cared enough about me
458
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,627
to curl my baby eyelashes
459
00:18:23,628 --> 00:18:25,095
like you do for Barbara.
460
00:18:25,096 --> 00:18:26,563
Or just to intervene
461
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:28,932
when a neighborhood dog took me away.
462
00:18:28,933 --> 00:18:30,267
Sophie,
463
00:18:30,268 --> 00:18:31,902
your text wasn't clear.
464
00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:35,072
Should Barbara wear the
leopard onesie with the jean hat
465
00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:37,507
or the jean onesie with the leopard hat?
466
00:18:37,508 --> 00:18:40,544
Also, I can't find any of her toe rings.
467
00:18:40,545 --> 00:18:43,614
Sophie, are you secretly
caring for your baby
468
00:18:43,615 --> 00:18:46,316
while we're having mom's group?
469
00:18:46,317 --> 00:18:47,317
You know what?
470
00:18:47,318 --> 00:18:48,919
Fine.
471
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,320
Fine, I love my kid.
472
00:18:50,321 --> 00:18:52,322
Well, why don't you marry her?
473
00:18:52,323 --> 00:18:54,925
Should I?
474
00:18:54,926 --> 00:18:56,093
No.
475
00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:57,861
No, 'cause I'm a good mom,
476
00:18:57,862 --> 00:19:00,998
and a good mom doesn't marry her baby!
477
00:19:00,999 --> 00:19:03,600
At least not in this country.
478
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:05,167
Let's go, baby.
479
00:19:09,673 --> 00:19:13,443
Well, Meghan's dog walker gave
her some cat tranquilizers.
480
00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:17,314
Why don't we go try those
in the Target parking lot?
481
00:19:17,315 --> 00:19:19,216
Ugh, I can't wait to be a mom
482
00:19:19,217 --> 00:19:22,486
so I can get the good cat tranqs.
483
00:19:22,487 --> 00:19:26,423
You know they didn't pay, right?
484
00:19:26,424 --> 00:19:28,659
Hey, uh...
485
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:31,328
sorry to barge in, but I
can't stop thinking about...
486
00:19:31,329 --> 00:19:32,795
Her boo-tay?
487
00:19:34,364 --> 00:19:37,668
Uh, well, that table is really unsteady.
488
00:19:37,669 --> 00:19:38,769
If my boss knew,
489
00:19:38,770 --> 00:19:39,970
I'd be furious.
490
00:19:39,971 --> 00:19:41,738
I know, right?
491
00:19:41,739 --> 00:19:43,140
I thought it was just me,
492
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:44,941
but I mean, look at it, I...
493
00:19:44,942 --> 00:19:46,009
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
494
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:47,277
I mean...
495
00:19:48,613 --> 00:19:50,147
Rock steady.
496
00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:52,382
Perfect, actually.
497
00:19:52,383 --> 00:19:54,985
Damn it.
498
00:19:54,986 --> 00:19:57,209
You can't think of anything
else that needs to be fixed?
499
00:19:57,210 --> 00:19:58,822
No, and it's really annoying.
500
00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:00,390
You know what else is annoying?
501
00:20:00,391 --> 00:20:03,193
You two not jammin'.
502
00:20:03,194 --> 00:20:06,096
You like each other. What's the problem?
503
00:20:06,097 --> 00:20:07,397
- So you like me?
- Yeah.
504
00:20:07,398 --> 00:20:08,899
- Okay, so I should call...
- Yes.
505
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:10,901
Good, 'cause I was this
close to calling my cousins
506
00:20:10,902 --> 00:20:13,337
to come in and tear this place apart.
507
00:20:13,338 --> 00:20:15,005
- I'm gonna call you.
- Ciao mein.
508
00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:16,138
- What?
- Nothing.
509
00:20:19,242 --> 00:20:21,178
Wow, look at you.
510
00:20:21,179 --> 00:20:22,779
I'm gonna have to put the brakes on that
511
00:20:22,803 --> 00:20:24,448
40-Year-Old-Virgin sequel.
512
00:20:24,449 --> 00:20:27,017
I'm sorry I'm happy
when you're not happy.
513
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:28,352
I am happy...
514
00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:29,920
for you.
515
00:20:29,921 --> 00:20:31,864
I know you said you didn't
want to talk about it,
516
00:20:31,865 --> 00:20:33,824
but why don't you just
go to LA to be with Randy?
517
00:20:35,727 --> 00:20:37,627
I can't go to LA.
518
00:20:37,628 --> 00:20:40,430
I mean, there's too much stuff here
519
00:20:40,431 --> 00:20:42,199
they don't have there, like...
520
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,900
the Statue of Liberty.
521
00:20:43,901 --> 00:20:45,068
You know she's my girl.
522
00:20:45,069 --> 00:20:47,571
You never want to go.
523
00:20:47,572 --> 00:20:48,939
And she invited us when she said,
524
00:20:48,940 --> 00:20:50,841
"Bring us your poor."
525
00:20:50,842 --> 00:20:53,343
Plus, where would I
find weed in California?
526
00:20:53,344 --> 00:20:55,544
I mean, the list goes on and on.
527
00:20:58,048 --> 00:20:59,815
I wouldn't leave you either.
528
00:21:05,734 --> 00:21:12,887
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