1
00:00:05,227 --> 00:00:09,130
Oh, my God, the customers are nakey.
2
00:00:09,131 --> 00:00:10,798
Thank God you're seeing it too.
3
00:00:10,799 --> 00:00:15,169
I thought my X-ray vision was back.
4
00:00:15,170 --> 00:00:18,405
God bless the annual naked bike ride.
5
00:00:18,406 --> 00:00:19,640
And where's Oleg?
6
00:00:19,641 --> 00:00:21,709
This is the first lunch rush in years.
7
00:00:21,710 --> 00:00:24,211
Uh, the guy at table
three needs some water
8
00:00:24,212 --> 00:00:27,014
and has an ass mole that
should really get looked at,
9
00:00:27,015 --> 00:00:28,715
but not by me.
10
00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:35,823
Oleg, you're doing the
naked bike ride too?
11
00:00:35,824 --> 00:00:39,226
The naked what?
12
00:00:39,227 --> 00:00:41,228
Okay, gang.
13
00:00:41,229 --> 00:00:42,730
Let's hit the road.
14
00:00:43,732 --> 00:00:44,899
Ugh, oh!
15
00:00:44,900 --> 00:00:46,267
Ooh, ah!
16
00:00:46,268 --> 00:00:47,531
I don't know where to look now.
17
00:00:47,532 --> 00:00:49,132
Nothing's good.
18
00:00:52,439 --> 00:00:55,676
Well, now we have to
burn this place down.
19
00:00:59,447 --> 00:01:06,029
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
20
00:01:12,795 --> 00:01:14,295
Don't try and stop me.
21
00:01:14,296 --> 00:01:16,764
I'll Mountain Dew it.
22
00:01:16,765 --> 00:01:20,668
You know I'm crazy
when I'm all Coked up.
23
00:01:20,669 --> 00:01:22,503
So I heard a lot of noise
24
00:01:22,504 --> 00:01:23,971
coming from your room last night.
25
00:01:23,972 --> 00:01:25,840
And since I know that bat is dead,
26
00:01:25,841 --> 00:01:28,676
because it had a heart
attack on my pillow,
27
00:01:28,677 --> 00:01:31,279
I assume you had a gentleman caller?
28
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:32,747
He wasn't a gentleman,
29
00:01:32,748 --> 00:01:36,083
but he did wear a
monocle while we did it.
30
00:01:36,084 --> 00:01:39,520
Well, you had a much more
exciting night than I did.
31
00:01:39,521 --> 00:01:42,757
Both of my legs fell
asleep on the toilet.
32
00:01:42,758 --> 00:01:44,792
Then so did I.
33
00:01:44,793 --> 00:01:47,461
So you aren't gonna see him again?
34
00:01:47,462 --> 00:01:49,096
Well, we know every
time Earl walks away,
35
00:01:49,097 --> 00:01:50,497
there's a chance of that.
36
00:01:51,999 --> 00:01:53,768
I have an announcement.
37
00:01:53,769 --> 00:01:55,803
Whoever keeps putting
peanut butter in my desk,
38
00:01:55,804 --> 00:01:56,804
stop.
39
00:01:56,805 --> 00:01:58,639
I'm allergic.
40
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,507
And I'm closing the diner Sunday.
41
00:02:01,843 --> 00:02:04,045
Well, we had a good run.
42
00:02:04,046 --> 00:02:05,613
No, we didn't.
43
00:02:05,614 --> 00:02:07,347
Let's scavenge, people!
44
00:02:08,482 --> 00:02:09,717
Bye, y'all!
45
00:02:09,718 --> 00:02:11,986
Where do we keep the money at?
46
00:02:14,857 --> 00:02:15,957
What?
47
00:02:15,958 --> 00:02:17,225
I don't want our meat order
48
00:02:17,226 --> 00:02:20,194
to fall into the wrong hands.
49
00:02:20,195 --> 00:02:21,796
No, you pile of felons.
50
00:02:21,797 --> 00:02:24,398
I'm closing the diner for Sunday only.
51
00:02:24,399 --> 00:02:27,368
Well, I'm keeping this stuff anyway.
52
00:02:27,369 --> 00:02:29,337
And I really hate it.
53
00:02:29,338 --> 00:02:31,973
My new therapist, Gary, says that I need
54
00:02:31,974 --> 00:02:34,242
to take a day off to focus on myself.
55
00:02:34,243 --> 00:02:37,211
Did he give you a
magnifying glass for that?
56
00:02:37,212 --> 00:02:39,413
Max, Gary says you use
57
00:02:39,414 --> 00:02:41,349
your toxic, mean-spirited jokes
58
00:02:41,350 --> 00:02:43,484
to keep people like me at a distance.
59
00:02:43,485 --> 00:02:44,986
You know what else works?
60
00:02:44,987 --> 00:02:46,587
Putting my hand on your forehead.
61
00:02:46,588 --> 00:02:48,756
Max, Gary also says
62
00:02:48,757 --> 00:02:50,157
you have a fear of intimacy
63
00:02:50,158 --> 00:02:52,727
stemming from your
father abandoning you.
64
00:02:52,728 --> 00:02:55,263
To put it simply, you have daddy issues.
65
00:02:55,264 --> 00:02:57,431
The only daddy issues I have
66
00:02:57,432 --> 00:02:59,267
are of Rod Magazine.
67
00:02:59,268 --> 00:03:02,003
And there's no such
thing as daddy issues.
68
00:03:02,004 --> 00:03:04,438
If there was, why would
my daughter be married
69
00:03:04,439 --> 00:03:07,040
to a forgetful older man named Burl?
70
00:03:08,075 --> 00:03:09,777
What did Gary say about me, Han?
71
00:03:09,778 --> 00:03:12,280
Were the words "Eliza Doolittle" used?
72
00:03:12,281 --> 00:03:15,216
Well, you certainly do little,
73
00:03:15,217 --> 00:03:16,617
but actually, you didn't come up.
74
00:03:16,618 --> 00:03:18,753
You don't come up to my knees.
75
00:03:18,754 --> 00:03:20,621
See? That's the kind
of material you need
76
00:03:20,622 --> 00:03:22,222
to get a shout-out.
77
00:03:23,190 --> 00:03:24,791
Hey, everybody!
78
00:03:27,428 --> 00:03:31,532
Barbara just smiled politely
at her first ugly baby.
79
00:03:31,533 --> 00:03:36,137
Oh, I could learn some manners from her.
80
00:03:36,138 --> 00:03:38,472
Sophie, it's really not
nice to call a baby "ugly."
81
00:03:38,473 --> 00:03:40,308
Shut up!
82
00:03:40,309 --> 00:03:43,077
Oh, I mean...
83
00:03:43,078 --> 00:03:44,277
Shut up!
84
00:03:45,379 --> 00:03:46,814
Good news, Sophie.
85
00:03:46,815 --> 00:03:48,149
I don't have to work here
86
00:03:48,150 --> 00:03:50,651
or Bubzie's Hideaway this Sunday.
87
00:03:50,652 --> 00:03:51,886
We can get a babysitter
88
00:03:51,887 --> 00:03:53,321
and spend the whole day together.
89
00:03:53,322 --> 00:03:55,623
Well, if you're suggesting
90
00:03:55,624 --> 00:03:58,225
that we have sex at the dog track again,
91
00:03:58,226 --> 00:04:01,228
then I'm gonna tell you
what I said at the dog track.
92
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:08,334
Well, now we all need therapy.
93
00:04:10,338 --> 00:04:12,306
Oh, Bobby, I'm so sorry
94
00:04:12,307 --> 00:04:14,909
you have to go to your great
aunt's funeral on Sunday.
95
00:04:14,910 --> 00:04:18,279
I really wanted to get lunch
and some towels at Ikea.
96
00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,348
Ooh, if you're going to Ikea,
97
00:04:20,349 --> 00:04:22,283
can you get me a snars-vaten-woggen?
98
00:04:22,284 --> 00:04:24,285
I need a place to put my book light.
99
00:04:24,286 --> 00:04:26,587
Okay, I understand.
100
00:04:26,588 --> 00:04:28,456
I guess the real lesson is,
101
00:04:28,457 --> 00:04:31,692
don't lie about your
weight on a hot-air balloon.
102
00:04:31,693 --> 00:04:33,794
I am so, so sorry...
103
00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:37,031
that I had to listen to that
horrible phone conversation.
104
00:04:37,032 --> 00:04:39,333
You know, Max, it's
actually a good thing
105
00:04:39,334 --> 00:04:41,769
that Bobby's aunt died tragically.
106
00:04:41,770 --> 00:04:43,170
Now we can do inventory here
107
00:04:43,171 --> 00:04:44,674
and get ahead on our books on Sunday.
108
00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:46,173
Only you could turn a death
109
00:04:46,174 --> 00:04:47,540
into something depressing.
110
00:04:48,843 --> 00:04:51,812
Speaking of something depressing.
111
00:04:51,813 --> 00:04:54,148
I just came by to let you know
112
00:04:54,149 --> 00:04:55,212
you're late for the diner,
113
00:04:55,213 --> 00:04:56,450
and you know, Max,
114
00:04:56,451 --> 00:04:58,886
I had a working brunch with Gary,
115
00:04:58,887 --> 00:05:00,454
and he made a good point
116
00:05:00,455 --> 00:05:02,556
as he pretended to reach for the check.
117
00:05:02,557 --> 00:05:04,892
He said it was unfair of me
118
00:05:04,893 --> 00:05:06,227
to bring up your problems
119
00:05:06,228 --> 00:05:08,462
without offering a solution.
120
00:05:08,463 --> 00:05:11,632
You need to talk to your father.
121
00:05:11,633 --> 00:05:15,336
Han, you are really
overstepping your boundaries,
122
00:05:15,337 --> 00:05:18,139
which is really rude,
because that's my job.
123
00:05:18,140 --> 00:05:19,840
Uh, it's fine.
124
00:05:19,841 --> 00:05:21,075
Yeah, go ahead, Han.
125
00:05:21,076 --> 00:05:22,510
Try and find my father.
126
00:05:22,511 --> 00:05:24,712
I don't know his name, where he lives,
127
00:05:24,713 --> 00:05:27,548
or where he gets dialysis, I'm assuming.
128
00:05:27,549 --> 00:05:29,016
So good luck with that.
129
00:05:29,017 --> 00:05:30,651
Here's his name and number.
130
00:05:30,652 --> 00:05:32,586
He lives in Rhode Island,
131
00:05:32,587 --> 00:05:35,121
America's least exciting state.
132
00:05:36,524 --> 00:05:38,159
How did you find that?
133
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:39,927
That is way over the line,
134
00:05:39,928 --> 00:05:41,996
and I really wish it
was me who had done it.
135
00:05:41,997 --> 00:05:44,565
Unlike Max in high school,
136
00:05:44,566 --> 00:05:46,700
it wasn't easy.
137
00:05:46,701 --> 00:05:48,936
I called the hospital
for her birth certificate,
138
00:05:48,937 --> 00:05:50,738
which led me to the hall of records,
139
00:05:50,739 --> 00:05:52,773
which then led me to some forced necking
140
00:05:52,774 --> 00:05:55,176
with a clerk named Shelley.
141
00:05:55,177 --> 00:05:57,078
Sadly, it was a dead end.
142
00:05:57,079 --> 00:05:58,579
So Gary got it for me.
143
00:05:58,580 --> 00:06:00,613
His sister's a psychic for the police.
144
00:06:01,849 --> 00:06:04,785
So are you gonna call your dad
145
00:06:04,786 --> 00:06:07,054
after all that hard work Han and I did
146
00:06:07,055 --> 00:06:08,789
to find his number?
147
00:06:08,790 --> 00:06:10,191
I don't know.
148
00:06:10,192 --> 00:06:11,855
This is a huge decision,
and I really want
149
00:06:11,856 --> 00:06:12,860
to think this through.
150
00:06:12,861 --> 00:06:15,463
Max, I think that's a really smart
151
00:06:15,464 --> 00:06:16,464
and mature decis...
152
00:06:16,465 --> 00:06:17,964
Thought about it.
153
00:06:25,073 --> 00:06:26,063
Okay, we're missing
154
00:06:26,064 --> 00:06:27,097
two bottles of tequila,
155
00:06:27,098 --> 00:06:28,991
but I did find a bloody knife,
156
00:06:28,992 --> 00:06:31,259
so that's a wrap on inventory.
157
00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:32,427
Oh, thank God.
158
00:06:32,428 --> 00:06:33,428
I've been killing myself
159
00:06:33,429 --> 00:06:34,830
with all this paperwork.
160
00:06:34,831 --> 00:06:38,633
It took me 30 minutes to make this hat.
161
00:06:38,634 --> 00:06:41,169
Max, I know what's really going on here.
162
00:06:41,170 --> 00:06:43,038
You're trying to hide
it by doing origami,
163
00:06:43,039 --> 00:06:45,440
but you're really thinking
about contacting your dad.
164
00:06:45,441 --> 00:06:47,175
Uh, actually, I was thinking
165
00:06:47,176 --> 00:06:48,710
about where I left my bloody knife,
166
00:06:48,711 --> 00:06:50,812
but you solved that mystery.
167
00:06:50,813 --> 00:06:53,949
So now I'm thinking about wrestling.
168
00:06:53,950 --> 00:06:56,018
Wrestling with your emotions?
169
00:06:56,019 --> 00:06:58,186
No, with Jeremy Piven.
170
00:06:58,187 --> 00:07:00,555
Short arms. I can take him.
171
00:07:00,556 --> 00:07:03,859
Well, in the off-chance you
do want to contact your father,
172
00:07:03,860 --> 00:07:06,728
I used my amazing jigsaw puzzle talents
173
00:07:06,729 --> 00:07:08,997
to put his number back together.
174
00:07:08,998 --> 00:07:11,633
I was runner-up in Jigsaw Palooza 2003.
175
00:07:11,634 --> 00:07:13,001
Oh, thank God.
176
00:07:13,002 --> 00:07:14,369
Thank you, Caroline...
177
00:07:14,370 --> 00:07:17,039
for letting me rip this up again.
178
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:18,807
You know, I hate to say this,
179
00:07:18,808 --> 00:07:20,876
but Han's not wrong.
180
00:07:20,877 --> 00:07:22,210
How dare you?
181
00:07:22,211 --> 00:07:23,812
Let me finish.
182
00:07:23,813 --> 00:07:26,381
Maybe you do have some intimacy issues.
183
00:07:26,382 --> 00:07:29,051
I mean, you haven't really
dated anyone since Randy,
184
00:07:29,052 --> 00:07:31,686
and I still don't have
a key to our apartment.
185
00:07:31,687 --> 00:07:34,723
I gave you that screwdriver. It works.
186
00:07:34,724 --> 00:07:37,124
You're not even a little
curious to meet him?
187
00:07:38,226 --> 00:07:40,062
I guess maybe a little.
188
00:07:40,063 --> 00:07:42,731
Maybe it'll explain some of the
more disturbing things about me,
189
00:07:42,732 --> 00:07:45,867
like how I prefer Cocoa
Pebbles over Fruity Pebbles.
190
00:07:45,868 --> 00:07:49,104
Yes! You can finally get those answers.
191
00:07:49,105 --> 00:07:51,506
I say we go now, before
you change your mind.
192
00:07:51,507 --> 00:07:53,208
Should we steal some
snacks from the diner
193
00:07:53,209 --> 00:07:54,808
before we steal Han's car?
194
00:07:57,146 --> 00:07:58,547
Earl, what are you doing here?
195
00:07:58,548 --> 00:08:00,048
You know you're off today, right?
196
00:08:00,049 --> 00:08:02,918
Uh, I forgot my weed here.
197
00:08:02,919 --> 00:08:04,386
Then I smoked it.
198
00:08:04,387 --> 00:08:06,654
And now it doesn't matter where I am.
199
00:08:07,722 --> 00:08:09,323
♪ Squee, diddly-Doo ♪
200
00:08:10,959 --> 00:08:14,463
I'm not working on my
Gary-prescribed day off.
201
00:08:14,464 --> 00:08:17,799
I just swung by to...
to meet a friend...
202
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,368
named Friendo.
203
00:08:20,369 --> 00:08:22,104
He's Italian.
204
00:08:22,105 --> 00:08:23,371
What are you doing here?
205
00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:25,574
We're going to meet Max's dad.
206
00:08:25,575 --> 00:08:26,575
Because of me.
207
00:08:26,576 --> 00:08:28,043
It's my thing now.
208
00:08:28,044 --> 00:08:30,545
So you're giving up your other thing?
209
00:08:30,546 --> 00:08:31,746
Complimenting yourself
210
00:08:31,747 --> 00:08:33,013
while the customers starve?
211
00:08:34,549 --> 00:08:36,418
Earl, why don't you come with?
212
00:08:36,419 --> 00:08:38,653
I want my real dad to meet my birth dad.
213
00:08:38,654 --> 00:08:41,255
Sure. Which one am I again?
214
00:08:42,491 --> 00:08:43,925
Can I come too?
215
00:08:43,926 --> 00:08:45,794
Gary would love to hear about the man
216
00:08:45,795 --> 00:08:47,596
responsible for my misery.
217
00:08:47,597 --> 00:08:50,364
Isn't that the cartoonist
who erased half your body?
218
00:08:52,334 --> 00:08:54,269
Ugh, great.
219
00:08:54,270 --> 00:08:57,439
Other looters got here first.
220
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,908
This is what happens
when you stop for snacks
221
00:08:59,909 --> 00:09:02,611
on your way to stop for more snacks.
222
00:09:02,612 --> 00:09:05,447
We're going for a romantic
ride in the country.
223
00:09:05,448 --> 00:09:08,583
We're looking for a
farm where we can do it.
224
00:09:08,584 --> 00:09:10,767
We were just gonna ask Han
to drive us to Rhode Island,
225
00:09:10,768 --> 00:09:11,653
but this is better.
226
00:09:11,654 --> 00:09:12,921
With your minivan,
227
00:09:12,922 --> 00:09:14,522
we can sit much further from the driver.
228
00:09:14,546 --> 00:09:17,459
Rhode Island?
229
00:09:17,460 --> 00:09:20,128
Are we gonna bury a dead body?
230
00:09:20,129 --> 00:09:21,997
No, but I am coming,
231
00:09:21,998 --> 00:09:24,599
so don't get any ideas.
232
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,869
Well, I haven't been in a
van with this many weirdos
233
00:09:27,870 --> 00:09:29,837
since the second time I got kidnapped.
234
00:09:32,941 --> 00:09:34,509
All right, your dad just confirmed.
235
00:09:34,510 --> 00:09:37,045
We're meeting him at 4:00
at the Rhode Island Diner.
236
00:09:37,046 --> 00:09:40,115
Max's reunion with her
father is really humming along
237
00:09:40,116 --> 00:09:42,117
since I took the reins from Han.
238
00:09:42,118 --> 00:09:43,485
Don't kid yourself.
239
00:09:43,486 --> 00:09:44,953
I laid the groundwork.
240
00:09:44,954 --> 00:09:46,021
Don't kid yourself.
241
00:09:46,022 --> 00:09:47,889
You've never laid anything.
242
00:09:47,890 --> 00:09:50,625
Oleg, shouldn't we be
getting off at the next exit?
243
00:09:50,626 --> 00:09:54,829
Do you think we should
exit at 33B, Misty?
244
00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:57,199
Ooh, that exit is closed
245
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,001
for construction, naughty boy.
246
00:10:00,002 --> 00:10:02,704
Since we're having a
day off from Barbara,
247
00:10:02,705 --> 00:10:05,339
I put the GPS on XXX.
248
00:10:06,374 --> 00:10:09,377
Can't a woman just talk to you?
249
00:10:09,378 --> 00:10:11,713
This is why we march.
250
00:10:11,714 --> 00:10:14,849
How about a fun car game?
251
00:10:14,850 --> 00:10:16,918
I spy with my little eye
252
00:10:16,919 --> 00:10:18,987
something that is black.
253
00:10:18,988 --> 00:10:22,257
You better watch yourself, son.
254
00:10:22,258 --> 00:10:25,427
No, I was referring to...
255
00:10:25,428 --> 00:10:26,560
pass.
256
00:10:27,562 --> 00:10:28,897
Max, are you nervous?
257
00:10:28,898 --> 00:10:31,266
You have that nervous
metallic smell you get
258
00:10:31,267 --> 00:10:33,535
when you find out
7-Eleven's out of hot dogs.
259
00:10:33,536 --> 00:10:35,670
No.
260
00:10:35,671 --> 00:10:38,707
I keep a lot of nickels in these pants.
261
00:10:47,015 --> 00:10:48,950
Sophie, are you okay?
262
00:10:48,951 --> 00:10:52,754
Yeah, that's just how I wake up.
263
00:10:52,755 --> 00:10:55,757
Are you okay?
264
00:10:55,758 --> 00:10:57,292
Ooh, ah!
265
00:10:57,293 --> 00:10:59,027
Bear right at the next exit.
266
00:10:59,028 --> 00:11:00,228
Just like that.
267
00:11:00,229 --> 00:11:02,030
Don't stop!
268
00:11:02,031 --> 00:11:04,065
Okay, Misty.
269
00:11:04,066 --> 00:11:07,736
I think I went to hair
school with your GPS.
270
00:11:07,737 --> 00:11:09,604
Object ahead.
271
00:11:09,605 --> 00:11:12,574
Slow down, big boy.
272
00:11:14,776 --> 00:11:16,611
Uh-oh, I hit a squirrel
273
00:11:16,612 --> 00:11:18,747
or John Travolta's toupee.
274
00:11:18,748 --> 00:11:21,883
Either way, its legs are still moving.
275
00:11:25,655 --> 00:11:27,489
Oh, gosh.
276
00:11:27,490 --> 00:11:29,557
I must have fallen asleep again.
277
00:11:34,096 --> 00:11:35,096
Hey, Han?
278
00:11:35,097 --> 00:11:37,565
How do you say "hang in there"
279
00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:39,267
in squirrel?
280
00:11:42,905 --> 00:11:45,407
I learned it on Zoboomafoo.
281
00:11:45,408 --> 00:11:48,176
Sophie, next time you
scoop up a wounded animal
282
00:11:48,177 --> 00:11:49,611
with a donut box,
283
00:11:49,612 --> 00:11:51,780
make sure everyone's had one first.
284
00:11:51,781 --> 00:11:55,083
Aww, he's resting
comfortably on a cruller.
285
00:11:55,084 --> 00:11:57,185
Living my dream, buddy.
286
00:11:57,186 --> 00:11:58,853
He won't die, right?
287
00:11:58,854 --> 00:12:01,456
It's illegal to kill
squirrels in the Ukraine.
288
00:12:01,457 --> 00:12:04,459
Ever since Putin had
them trained as spies.
289
00:12:04,460 --> 00:12:07,262
There's an animal hospital nearby.
290
00:12:07,263 --> 00:12:09,798
Put the address in the sexy GPS lady.
291
00:12:09,799 --> 00:12:11,933
I don't care where we go,
292
00:12:11,934 --> 00:12:14,336
I just want to hear what she does
293
00:12:14,337 --> 00:12:17,872
when we arrive at our destination.
294
00:12:17,873 --> 00:12:20,208
Not to be that person,
295
00:12:20,209 --> 00:12:21,676
but I'm in charge now,
296
00:12:21,677 --> 00:12:24,279
and this trip is about
Max meeting her dad,
297
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:26,348
not saving a squirrel's life.
298
00:12:26,349 --> 00:12:28,383
Squirrel hater!
299
00:12:30,886 --> 00:12:32,220
Let's just take him with us.
300
00:12:32,221 --> 00:12:33,955
If this diner's anything like ours,
301
00:12:33,956 --> 00:12:36,324
there'd be tons of other
rodents for him to play with.
302
00:12:36,325 --> 00:12:37,948
Your destination
303
00:12:37,949 --> 00:12:41,029
is in 4,800 inches.
304
00:12:41,030 --> 00:12:43,998
I had her convert everything to inches.
305
00:12:43,999 --> 00:12:45,933
Makes our trip sound bigger, doesn't it?
306
00:12:47,736 --> 00:12:49,603
We should plan a march.
307
00:13:01,366 --> 00:13:02,800
Table for, uh...
308
00:13:02,801 --> 00:13:04,335
for two.
309
00:13:04,336 --> 00:13:07,238
And the cast of American
Horror Story: Minivan
310
00:13:07,239 --> 00:13:09,473
will be in a separate booth.
311
00:13:09,474 --> 00:13:10,708
Ooh, do you mind?
312
00:13:10,709 --> 00:13:11,842
I'm pretty hungry.
313
00:13:11,843 --> 00:13:12,810
My donut is covered
314
00:13:12,811 --> 00:13:15,046
in squirrel slobber.
315
00:13:15,047 --> 00:13:16,881
You can't bring outside food in here.
316
00:13:16,882 --> 00:13:18,315
It's not food.
317
00:13:18,316 --> 00:13:20,317
It's a severely injured squirrel.
318
00:13:20,318 --> 00:13:21,685
All right, well, sit wherever.
319
00:13:21,686 --> 00:13:24,021
Just don't let it out of the box.
320
00:13:24,022 --> 00:13:25,356
Do you see that, Earl?
321
00:13:25,357 --> 00:13:27,223
He's firm but fair.
322
00:13:31,195 --> 00:13:33,664
You look like a young Earl.
323
00:13:33,665 --> 00:13:36,367
No, I'm Steve.
324
00:13:36,368 --> 00:13:38,234
That was young Earl's name!
325
00:13:42,673 --> 00:13:44,407
Hey, everybody!
326
00:13:45,676 --> 00:13:49,812
Uh, I'm just going in.
327
00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:54,718
I told your dad to look
for a pretty blonde girl
328
00:13:54,719 --> 00:13:56,387
whose hair is a little longer than a bob
329
00:13:56,388 --> 00:13:58,389
but shorter than shoulder-length.
330
00:13:58,390 --> 00:14:01,559
Oh, I forgot to tell
him what you look like.
331
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:03,360
Well, I have no idea what he looks like.
332
00:14:03,361 --> 00:14:06,764
I always imagined Louis
CK, but not as hot.
333
00:14:06,765 --> 00:14:09,033
Maybe you do have daddy issues.
334
00:14:09,034 --> 00:14:12,937
On the plus side, we will
never like the same guy.
335
00:14:12,938 --> 00:14:15,072
Gary says when Max sees her dad,
336
00:14:15,073 --> 00:14:17,141
she's going to get very emotional.
337
00:14:17,142 --> 00:14:18,442
She could get happy,
338
00:14:18,443 --> 00:14:19,743
then sad.
339
00:14:19,744 --> 00:14:21,312
Basically, hide your forks.
340
00:14:22,881 --> 00:14:23,881
Oh.
341
00:14:23,882 --> 00:14:25,983
He peed again.
342
00:14:25,984 --> 00:14:26,984
Oh, Lord,
343
00:14:26,985 --> 00:14:29,420
am I peeing?
344
00:14:29,421 --> 00:14:32,423
But these are my best pants.
345
00:14:32,424 --> 00:14:36,861
He peed so much, he turned
this donut box into a pool.
346
00:14:36,862 --> 00:14:40,331
He's really putting the "ew" in cruller.
347
00:14:40,332 --> 00:14:43,067
Max, if you want privacy
when your dad gets here,
348
00:14:43,068 --> 00:14:44,635
I can go sit in that other booth.
349
00:14:44,636 --> 00:14:46,336
Can you do that now?
350
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:50,774
Look alive, everyone!
351
00:14:50,775 --> 00:14:51,976
It's the moment
352
00:14:51,977 --> 00:14:53,577
we've always been waiting for.
353
00:14:53,578 --> 00:14:54,645
At least since Tuesday,
354
00:14:54,646 --> 00:14:55,713
when Gary suggested it.
355
00:14:55,714 --> 00:14:57,915
Then I took over.
356
00:14:57,916 --> 00:14:59,850
Max, make sure you look
at me when you hug him.
357
00:14:59,851 --> 00:15:01,519
Oh, that guy? I hope not.
358
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,388
No daddy, no daddy, no daddy.
359
00:15:04,389 --> 00:15:06,157
What was wrong with him?
360
00:15:06,158 --> 00:15:07,725
Besides his jeans,
361
00:15:07,726 --> 00:15:10,928
arms, legs, face, and overall vibe?
362
00:15:10,929 --> 00:15:12,530
You know it would be bad
363
00:15:12,531 --> 00:15:14,098
if you were attracted to him, right?
364
00:15:19,671 --> 00:15:21,839
You know, I was a cashier
365
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:23,140
when I was your age.
366
00:15:23,141 --> 00:15:25,209
Yeah? What do you do now?
367
00:15:25,210 --> 00:15:27,444
Cashier.
368
00:15:27,445 --> 00:15:29,108
- But this is just temporary.
- Temporary.
369
00:15:29,109 --> 00:15:30,915
- No, I have actual dreams.
- Dreams.
370
00:15:30,916 --> 00:15:32,249
No, seriously, man.
371
00:15:32,250 --> 00:15:33,684
- I play saxophone.
- Saxophone.
372
00:15:33,685 --> 00:15:34,952
I quit.
373
00:15:34,953 --> 00:15:37,688
Attaboy.
374
00:15:37,689 --> 00:15:39,390
You know, Han,
375
00:15:39,391 --> 00:15:42,660
you should get your chef
to make flapjacks like this.
376
00:15:42,661 --> 00:15:44,995
He does enough flapping
and jacking on his own.
377
00:15:44,996 --> 00:15:48,065
I think this squirrel's asleep.
378
00:15:48,066 --> 00:15:50,434
He's snoring and clutching his nuts.
379
00:15:50,435 --> 00:15:54,438
Aww, just like you do.
380
00:15:54,439 --> 00:15:56,974
Han, will you watch the squirrel
381
00:15:56,975 --> 00:15:59,376
so we can just have
one minute to ourselves?
382
00:15:59,377 --> 00:16:02,012
No, I'm watching the door for Max's...
383
00:16:02,013 --> 00:16:03,414
how do I put this nicely?
384
00:16:03,415 --> 00:16:06,116
"Monster who left her as a child."
385
00:16:06,117 --> 00:16:07,785
He's gonna be here.
386
00:16:07,786 --> 00:16:09,420
Why am I so positive?
387
00:16:09,421 --> 00:16:11,121
The only reason I know where my dad is
388
00:16:11,122 --> 00:16:12,288
is 'cause he's in prison.
389
00:16:14,291 --> 00:16:18,128
Ooh, live one coming in.
390
00:16:18,129 --> 00:16:21,932
This guy looks like he's
missed a few soccer games.
391
00:16:21,933 --> 00:16:24,568
If that jabroni is him,
tell him I'm not here.
392
00:16:24,569 --> 00:16:26,971
Max, one of these losers
393
00:16:26,972 --> 00:16:29,139
is gonna be your dad.
394
00:16:29,140 --> 00:16:31,175
I mean, we're in Rhode Island.
395
00:16:31,176 --> 00:16:34,111
I'm gonna get a quick refill.
396
00:16:34,112 --> 00:16:36,179
I got it, hon. I'm in the industry.
397
00:16:37,581 --> 00:16:40,050
Caroline, I'm starting to think
398
00:16:40,051 --> 00:16:41,585
he's not going to show.
399
00:16:41,586 --> 00:16:43,487
You really screwed the pooch this time.
400
00:16:43,488 --> 00:16:44,722
Me?
401
00:16:44,723 --> 00:16:46,423
Yeah, this is your thing now.
402
00:16:46,424 --> 00:16:48,225
You took the reins, remember?
403
00:16:48,226 --> 00:16:49,193
You're Trevor Noah,
404
00:16:49,194 --> 00:16:50,794
and I'm Jon Stewart.
405
00:16:50,795 --> 00:16:51,962
I've got my Emmys.
406
00:16:51,963 --> 00:16:54,031
I'm done now.
407
00:16:54,032 --> 00:16:55,799
Well, you started this.
408
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,769
And after I finally got her over Randy.
409
00:16:58,770 --> 00:17:01,005
The night terrors just stopped.
410
00:17:01,006 --> 00:17:02,672
I was terrified of her at night.
411
00:17:03,974 --> 00:17:06,777
You can sleep with a cheap Taser now.
412
00:17:06,778 --> 00:17:08,178
I already do.
413
00:17:08,179 --> 00:17:10,080
For the same reason!
414
00:17:10,081 --> 00:17:11,815
Quiet!
415
00:17:11,816 --> 00:17:13,717
The squirrel is sleeping.
416
00:17:13,718 --> 00:17:15,653
We just got him down.
417
00:17:15,654 --> 00:17:18,188
And we'd like to make out.
418
00:17:18,189 --> 00:17:20,189
I spilled a lot of syrup on myself.
419
00:17:21,825 --> 00:17:23,761
Let's just wake Earl
up and get out of here.
420
00:17:23,762 --> 00:17:24,895
My dad's not coming.
421
00:17:27,832 --> 00:17:29,833
Maybe your dad's still on his way.
422
00:17:29,834 --> 00:17:33,070
I heard traffic's building
up on all the expressways.
423
00:17:33,071 --> 00:17:35,072
Kind of an ironic
name, wouldn't you say?
424
00:17:35,073 --> 00:17:36,473
"Expressway"?
425
00:17:36,474 --> 00:17:38,375
More like "slow-way."
426
00:17:38,376 --> 00:17:39,777
This is Caroline's thing.
427
00:17:39,778 --> 00:17:42,012
Let's just go.
428
00:17:42,013 --> 00:17:43,396
I want to get back before Cinnabon
429
00:17:43,397 --> 00:17:44,915
gives away their day-olds.
430
00:17:44,916 --> 00:17:47,551
You know we own a dessert bar, right?
431
00:17:47,552 --> 00:17:49,586
Maybe he's still gonna come.
432
00:17:49,587 --> 00:17:52,256
If I know one thing about
the man I know nothing about,
433
00:17:52,257 --> 00:17:53,223
he is not coming.
434
00:17:53,224 --> 00:17:54,825
Are you disappointed?
435
00:17:54,826 --> 00:17:57,161
No.
436
00:17:57,162 --> 00:17:58,896
A little.
437
00:17:58,897 --> 00:18:01,131
But maybe it's for the
best he didn't come.
438
00:18:01,132 --> 00:18:03,275
This is why I didn't want
to meet him, because whoever
439
00:18:03,276 --> 00:18:05,502
comes through that door is
just gonna disappoint me.
440
00:18:05,503 --> 00:18:07,715
And this way, I get to
imagine he's someone cool,
441
00:18:07,716 --> 00:18:09,039
like Burt Reynolds
442
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,408
or Captain Crunch.
443
00:18:11,409 --> 00:18:12,710
So you're really okay?
444
00:18:12,711 --> 00:18:14,278
Yeah.
445
00:18:14,279 --> 00:18:15,346
We had a great day.
446
00:18:15,347 --> 00:18:18,515
Road trip, met a cool squirrel.
447
00:18:18,516 --> 00:18:20,212
I don't need another loser in my life.
448
00:18:20,213 --> 00:18:21,117
I have you guys.
449
00:18:22,286 --> 00:18:23,487
Gary!
450
00:18:23,488 --> 00:18:26,156
Max's father didn't show.
451
00:18:26,157 --> 00:18:27,658
How does that make me feel?
452
00:18:27,659 --> 00:18:29,026
Terrible!
453
00:18:29,027 --> 00:18:30,994
I don't think Han's handling it
454
00:18:30,995 --> 00:18:32,496
as well as I am.
455
00:18:32,497 --> 00:18:34,131
Honestly, if it were my thing,
456
00:18:34,132 --> 00:18:38,001
I would want to kill myself right now.
457
00:18:38,002 --> 00:18:40,504
She's hurt, and she's family to me.
458
00:18:40,505 --> 00:18:42,239
How does that make me feel?
459
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:44,975
Like I should have gone to
an out-of-network doctor!
460
00:18:44,976 --> 00:18:49,380
God, I made Han have a
meltdown on my day off.
461
00:18:49,381 --> 00:18:50,848
You calm down, Gary!
462
00:18:50,849 --> 00:18:51,882
I won't count to ten.
463
00:18:51,883 --> 00:18:53,649
You count to ten, you bastard!
464
00:18:57,321 --> 00:18:59,390
Hey, welcome to the, uh...
465
00:18:59,391 --> 00:19:02,259
hey, uh, what the hell is
this place called, anyway?
466
00:19:02,260 --> 00:19:04,228
Oh, my God.
467
00:19:04,229 --> 00:19:07,364
Dad!
468
00:19:07,365 --> 00:19:08,399
Hold on, Gary.
469
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,234
A vagrant that could very well
470
00:19:10,235 --> 00:19:12,302
be Max's father just walked in.
471
00:19:12,303 --> 00:19:14,405
Pretend you're my dad,
and I'll give you 40 bucks.
472
00:19:14,406 --> 00:19:16,907
Throw in a joint, and we have a deal.
473
00:19:16,908 --> 00:19:18,642
Maybe you are my dad.
474
00:19:18,643 --> 00:19:20,711
Oh, no, I don't have kids.
475
00:19:20,712 --> 00:19:21,812
Too much pot.
476
00:19:23,114 --> 00:19:25,515
Guys, this is my dad.
477
00:19:27,418 --> 00:19:30,220
I'm the hot girl's dad.
478
00:19:30,221 --> 00:19:32,923
Was anyone else expecting a cop?
479
00:19:32,924 --> 00:19:37,060
I mean, you know, for the irony.
480
00:19:37,061 --> 00:19:38,629
I'm Caroline.
481
00:19:38,630 --> 00:19:40,030
See, it's, like, not a bob,
482
00:19:40,031 --> 00:19:41,432
but it's not shoulder-length.
483
00:19:41,433 --> 00:19:43,867
I'm responsible for this reunion.
484
00:19:43,868 --> 00:19:45,202
Um, he's not really my dad.
485
00:19:45,203 --> 00:19:46,637
I'm doing this for Han.
486
00:19:46,638 --> 00:19:48,105
All right, everybody.
487
00:19:48,106 --> 00:19:50,441
Uh, my dad and I have had
488
00:19:50,442 --> 00:19:52,009
a heartwarming reunion,
489
00:19:52,010 --> 00:19:56,280
and now he has to get
to a secret mission.
490
00:19:56,281 --> 00:19:58,382
In an exotic locale.
491
00:19:58,383 --> 00:19:59,482
Sure.
492
00:20:00,717 --> 00:20:02,519
But I can't leave the county.
493
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:06,390
Sure. Local secret mission.
494
00:20:06,391 --> 00:20:08,959
Hey, you seem like a nice kid.
495
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,595
Your father should be proud.
496
00:20:11,596 --> 00:20:13,630
Thanks.
497
00:20:13,631 --> 00:20:15,899
Sorry about the outburst, Gary.
498
00:20:15,900 --> 00:20:19,470
You know it stems from
my mother's expectations.
499
00:20:19,471 --> 00:20:23,006
Thanks for doing this, Han.
500
00:20:23,007 --> 00:20:25,141
Anyone in the hug business?
501
00:20:28,278 --> 00:20:29,746
I didn't even flinch.
502
00:20:29,747 --> 00:20:32,416
We are making progress.
503
00:20:32,417 --> 00:20:33,383
You coming, Earl?
504
00:20:33,384 --> 00:20:34,418
Sure am.
505
00:20:34,419 --> 00:20:35,419
Don't want to get stuck
506
00:20:35,420 --> 00:20:37,353
being a cashier my whole life.
507
00:20:39,723 --> 00:20:42,592
Oleg, you forgot the damn squirrel.
508
00:20:46,096 --> 00:20:47,965
Come on, little guy.
509
00:20:47,966 --> 00:20:49,599
We don't abandon anybody.
510
00:20:54,880 --> 00:21:02,699
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