1
00:00:01,796 --> 00:00:03,665
Hold up! Nobody leave.
2
00:00:03,666 --> 00:00:07,101
Someone, and I'm not naming Max,
3
00:00:07,102 --> 00:00:09,371
has been stealing from the diner.
4
00:00:09,372 --> 00:00:13,140
Well, the diner has been stealing from me.
5
00:00:13,141 --> 00:00:16,910
Youth, energy, will to live.
6
00:00:16,911 --> 00:00:19,680
So new policy: before any employee leaves,
7
00:00:19,681 --> 00:00:20,947
there will be a pat-down.
8
00:00:20,948 --> 00:00:25,719
I tried to start that policy years ago.
9
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:26,920
Seriously, Han?
10
00:00:26,921 --> 00:00:28,108
Is that really how you want to get
11
00:00:28,109 --> 00:00:31,444
to second base for the first time?
12
00:00:31,445 --> 00:00:33,812
It's not ideal, no.
13
00:00:33,813 --> 00:00:35,046
Max, you're first.
14
00:00:35,047 --> 00:00:36,214
Fine.
15
00:00:36,215 --> 00:00:39,016
Feel me up, Low-bo-cop.
16
00:00:44,956 --> 00:00:47,058
What's this?
17
00:00:47,059 --> 00:00:49,459
It's a boob, sad man.
18
00:00:51,161 --> 00:00:54,998
This, however, is bologna.
19
00:00:54,999 --> 00:00:57,734
Shame on you! That's tomorrow's salmon.
20
00:01:02,406 --> 00:01:03,874
While we're coming clean,
21
00:01:03,875 --> 00:01:06,876
I stole your identity three years ago.
22
00:01:06,877 --> 00:01:08,878
It's over now, but I was caught up
23
00:01:08,879 --> 00:01:13,115
in a kind of Jason Bourne situation.
24
00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:15,318
Caroline, I'm coming to you next.
25
00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:16,853
And I thought this uniform
26
00:01:16,854 --> 00:01:20,457
would be the worst thing
touching my body today.
27
00:01:20,458 --> 00:01:23,525
Quick reminder: I'm a human being.
28
00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:34,535
Caroline, literally slow your roll.
29
00:01:36,004 --> 00:01:37,773
Well, if you're gonna hit bottom,
30
00:01:37,774 --> 00:01:39,874
you better have something to wipe it with.
31
00:01:40,708 --> 00:01:42,009
Earl...
32
00:01:42,010 --> 00:01:43,778
Now, I know you are not
33
00:01:43,779 --> 00:01:48,315
about to accuse a black man of stealing...
34
00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:51,886
in this current political climate.
35
00:01:51,887 --> 00:01:53,421
No, of course not.
36
00:01:53,422 --> 00:01:56,891
I was just going to wish
you a wonderful evening.
37
00:01:56,892 --> 00:01:58,558
Here, Max.
38
00:01:58,559 --> 00:02:00,158
You can have my bologna.
39
00:02:04,565 --> 00:02:11,320
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
40
00:02:21,019 --> 00:02:22,746
And I just...
41
00:02:22,747 --> 00:02:24,347
I think I love you.
42
00:02:26,516 --> 00:02:28,384
I love you too.
43
00:02:28,385 --> 00:02:30,752
Uh, Caroline?
44
00:02:34,791 --> 00:02:36,225
Oh, good.
45
00:02:36,226 --> 00:02:38,962
You brought someone else
with you to see that.
46
00:02:38,963 --> 00:02:41,097
Owen, Caroline. Caroline, Owen.
47
00:02:41,098 --> 00:02:44,032
Owen, bedroom. Caroline, later.
48
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:45,867
Owen, nice to meet you.
49
00:02:45,868 --> 00:02:48,536
Do I detect a Philadelphia accent?
50
00:02:48,537 --> 00:02:51,807
I haven't said anything yet.
51
00:02:51,808 --> 00:02:55,811
But I gotta tell you, you really
took the cool out of Cool Whip.
52
00:02:55,812 --> 00:02:57,345
Let's go in my room.
53
00:02:57,346 --> 00:02:59,547
Oh, actually, Max, it's,
uh... it's kinda late.
54
00:02:59,548 --> 00:03:01,949
I gotta be at work early.
55
00:03:01,950 --> 00:03:04,351
But I had a good time. Good night.
56
00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:06,519
I'll call you tomorrow. We'll do something.
57
00:03:10,124 --> 00:03:11,358
Oh...
58
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:13,393
my...
59
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:15,228
God.
60
00:03:17,063 --> 00:03:18,798
It finally happened.
61
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:22,301
Someone doesn't want to have sex with me!
62
00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:26,673
He said he gotta be at work early.
63
00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,508
Isn't that weird?
64
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,209
That you're dating a guy with a job?
65
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,679
Yeah, that is weird.
66
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,780
Max, maybe you finally met a guy
67
00:03:34,781 --> 00:03:36,148
who wants to get to know you
68
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,517
before he jumps into bed with you.
69
00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:41,020
Maybe Owen's the one.
70
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:44,957
The one that won't have sex with me!
71
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:47,026
So what happens around here
72
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:51,328
when nothing happens around here?
73
00:03:51,329 --> 00:03:54,832
Well, when that's not happening,
74
00:03:54,833 --> 00:03:57,669
cheesecake is a fun alternative.
75
00:03:57,670 --> 00:03:59,370
I stole one from the diner 'cause I thought
76
00:03:59,371 --> 00:04:02,006
you wouldn't be home and I'd be sad.
77
00:04:02,007 --> 00:04:04,908
You hide that between your legs too?
78
00:04:08,079 --> 00:04:09,379
Open up!
79
00:04:09,380 --> 00:04:12,248
I smell cheesecake!
80
00:04:12,249 --> 00:04:14,683
Oh. And you know...
81
00:04:16,619 --> 00:04:19,389
And you know what that smells like.
82
00:04:19,390 --> 00:04:21,023
Girl talk.
83
00:04:21,892 --> 00:04:23,359
Girl talk?
84
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:26,696
All right, but if we lez
out, nobody catch feelings.
85
00:04:26,697 --> 00:04:29,631
Eh, I'm just talking about
a little chick-ity chat.
86
00:04:29,632 --> 00:04:32,001
You know, friends sharing with friends
87
00:04:32,002 --> 00:04:34,136
in a completely safe environment.
88
00:04:34,137 --> 00:04:36,505
Well, I've been having
this recurring dream...
89
00:04:36,506 --> 00:04:40,042
Yeah, well, you'll have it again.
90
00:04:40,043 --> 00:04:42,677
Let's talk about me.
91
00:04:42,678 --> 00:04:46,681
Girls, Oleg and I have
been having a lot of sex.
92
00:04:46,682 --> 00:04:49,250
You know, standing up, sitting down,
93
00:04:49,251 --> 00:04:52,453
on a elevator, on a escalator.
94
00:04:52,454 --> 00:04:54,555
Oh, yeah.
95
00:04:54,556 --> 00:04:58,992
Going down and up at the same time.
96
00:04:58,993 --> 00:05:03,463
All of that unprotected
sex, and still no baby.
97
00:05:03,464 --> 00:05:06,767
Did you just come here to brag?
98
00:05:06,768 --> 00:05:08,368
You know, Sophie,
99
00:05:08,369 --> 00:05:11,271
sometimes when people have
trouble getting pregnant,
100
00:05:11,272 --> 00:05:13,172
they see a doctor.
101
00:05:20,479 --> 00:05:22,448
Sophie, where did you go?
102
00:05:22,449 --> 00:05:26,285
I looked up from the
harness, and you were gone.
103
00:05:26,286 --> 00:05:30,188
Well, Caroline thinks one of us...
104
00:05:32,091 --> 00:05:33,691
Mmm.
105
00:05:33,692 --> 00:05:35,994
And she's not pointing fingers at anyone,
106
00:05:35,995 --> 00:05:38,296
but one of us...
107
00:05:38,297 --> 00:05:42,367
you know, may need to get the sperm tested.
108
00:05:42,368 --> 00:05:45,036
All right, but I've been
known to miss the cup.
109
00:05:48,808 --> 00:05:50,241
All right, Earl.
110
00:05:50,242 --> 00:05:51,976
After last night's date, I need a rebound.
111
00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:54,611
I'm ready for you to set
me up with your friend.
112
00:05:54,612 --> 00:05:56,679
He's dead.
113
00:05:57,648 --> 00:05:59,216
I didn't say which friend.
114
00:05:59,217 --> 00:06:01,451
They're all dead, Max.
115
00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:04,655
Jeez, one guy doesn't
want to sleep with you,
116
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,222
and you're sweatin' to the oldies?
117
00:06:09,759 --> 00:06:10,960
Flowers?
118
00:06:10,961 --> 00:06:13,528
Oh, no! Am I dead too?
119
00:06:16,032 --> 00:06:17,333
I'm looking for Max.
120
00:06:17,334 --> 00:06:19,134
She said she doesn't work here.
121
00:06:20,703 --> 00:06:21,905
What is he doing here?
122
00:06:21,906 --> 00:06:23,239
It's so awkward seeing a guy
123
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,806
the day after he doesn't see you naked.
124
00:06:26,708 --> 00:06:27,910
Hey.
125
00:06:27,911 --> 00:06:29,344
These are for you.
126
00:06:29,345 --> 00:06:30,545
Flowers?
127
00:06:30,546 --> 00:06:32,447
For future reference, I'm more of a
128
00:06:32,448 --> 00:06:35,450
"Mickey's Malt Liquor" kind of girl.
129
00:06:35,451 --> 00:06:37,385
Hey, can we talk over there in that booth?
130
00:06:37,386 --> 00:06:40,289
It depends. How's your immune system?
131
00:06:40,290 --> 00:06:42,423
Caroline, cover my tables.
132
00:06:42,424 --> 00:06:44,525
First I'll put these in some diner water.
133
00:06:44,526 --> 00:06:48,796
I hope these flowers like
little floating meat bits.
134
00:06:48,797 --> 00:06:50,898
So... you take me to dinner,
135
00:06:50,899 --> 00:06:52,133
treat me like a lady,
136
00:06:52,134 --> 00:06:53,367
and bring me flowers.
137
00:06:53,368 --> 00:06:57,038
What kind of sick stuff are you into?
138
00:06:57,039 --> 00:06:59,039
Max, I like you a lot.
139
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:02,508
Then why aren't you laying
on top of me somewhere?
140
00:07:03,509 --> 00:07:05,111
Look, I want us to get to know each other
141
00:07:05,112 --> 00:07:06,446
before we have sex
142
00:07:06,447 --> 00:07:07,881
to be able to trust each other,
143
00:07:07,882 --> 00:07:09,415
keep each other's secrets.
144
00:07:09,416 --> 00:07:12,617
Fine; just tell me your
safe word, and let's go.
145
00:07:14,321 --> 00:07:17,823
Mine is "pot sticker."
146
00:07:17,824 --> 00:07:19,491
I'm serious,
147
00:07:19,492 --> 00:07:21,426
'cause when we do have
sex, you're gonna find out
148
00:07:21,427 --> 00:07:23,229
that I'm not...
149
00:07:23,230 --> 00:07:26,697
well, I'm not regular down there.
150
00:07:30,069 --> 00:07:33,836
Um... "not regular"?
151
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:42,512
So does it look something like...
152
00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:49,118
This?
153
00:07:49,753 --> 00:07:52,321
No. And bigger.
154
00:07:53,656 --> 00:07:56,858
Uh, so something like...
155
00:07:58,461 --> 00:07:59,696
This?
156
00:07:59,697 --> 00:08:02,532
No, it doesn't have a face.
157
00:08:02,533 --> 00:08:04,734
Max, something's wrong in the kitchen.
158
00:08:04,735 --> 00:08:06,269
Not here. Nothing's wrong here.
159
00:08:06,270 --> 00:08:08,303
Just come with me.
160
00:08:10,106 --> 00:08:11,673
Uh, well, can I see you tomorrow?
161
00:08:11,674 --> 00:08:13,409
Sure, but at least be late.
162
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:15,410
Give me something to work with.
163
00:08:16,312 --> 00:08:17,679
I heard what he said.
164
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,082
What the heck does "not
regular down there" mean?
165
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:22,550
I don't know.
166
00:08:23,551 --> 00:08:28,422
All I know is, it doesn't mean this.
167
00:08:29,524 --> 00:08:30,926
It could be anything.
168
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:33,929
In Moscow, I saw this
amazing penis freak show,
169
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,997
"Ripleyvitch Believe It or Nyet."
170
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:42,369
I'm not over it "nyet."
171
00:08:42,370 --> 00:08:45,139
So you're really gonna
go out with Owen again?
172
00:08:45,140 --> 00:08:48,342
I mean, you're playing
penis roulette down there.
173
00:08:48,343 --> 00:08:50,577
It could be gnarly or wonky or...
174
00:08:50,578 --> 00:08:52,879
truly haunting.
175
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:54,681
You're right.
176
00:08:54,682 --> 00:08:56,550
I gotta see it!
177
00:09:05,539 --> 00:09:06,807
Okay, tell me again.
178
00:09:06,808 --> 00:09:08,342
Talk to my like I'm a 10-year-old...
179
00:09:08,343 --> 00:09:10,577
with overdeveloped boobs.
180
00:09:10,578 --> 00:09:11,778
It's simple.
181
00:09:11,779 --> 00:09:13,112
Owen just wants to get to know you
182
00:09:13,113 --> 00:09:14,347
before he has sex with you.
183
00:09:14,348 --> 00:09:16,549
That is sick! I'm ten.
184
00:09:16,550 --> 00:09:18,818
Here. Let's practice.
185
00:09:18,819 --> 00:09:21,421
Pretend I'm Owen, and ask me something.
186
00:09:21,422 --> 00:09:24,923
So, Owen, when you gonna
take "Dem" pants off?
187
00:09:25,858 --> 00:09:28,260
Hi, girls.
188
00:09:28,261 --> 00:09:29,928
Do you think anyone would notice
189
00:09:29,929 --> 00:09:31,263
if you closed your shop
190
00:09:31,264 --> 00:09:33,365
and we had a girls' day tomorrow?
191
00:09:33,366 --> 00:09:35,100
Where we going tomorrow, Sophie?
192
00:09:35,101 --> 00:09:38,170
Say Coney Island, say Coney Island.
193
00:09:38,171 --> 00:09:41,840
We're going to a gynecologist!
194
00:09:41,841 --> 00:09:44,909
Yeah, see, Oleg said that
he'd get himself checked out,
195
00:09:44,910 --> 00:09:46,444
so, to be a team player,
196
00:09:46,445 --> 00:09:50,481
I'm gonna let a doctor
poke around my front bottom.
197
00:09:50,482 --> 00:09:52,684
Well, obviously I'm honored,
198
00:09:52,685 --> 00:09:55,820
but that's gonna be a hard "no" from me.
199
00:09:55,821 --> 00:09:57,087
Oh, girls!
200
00:09:57,088 --> 00:09:58,589
I don't want to go alone.
201
00:09:58,590 --> 00:10:00,691
I'm scared!
202
00:10:00,692 --> 00:10:03,427
You know, in Poland, our
doctor was also the butcher,
203
00:10:03,428 --> 00:10:05,295
you know, because he
already had the white coat
204
00:10:05,296 --> 00:10:07,731
and the metal draining table.
205
00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:09,899
I mean, you try sharing a waiting room
206
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:12,035
with a bunch of nervous sheep.
207
00:10:12,036 --> 00:10:13,737
Baaah!
208
00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:16,105
Baaaah!
209
00:10:16,106 --> 00:10:18,040
Sheep flashbacks?
210
00:10:18,041 --> 00:10:20,343
I am obviously in.
211
00:10:20,344 --> 00:10:21,577
Buh-bye.
212
00:10:23,413 --> 00:10:24,814
This is the part where the sheep
213
00:10:24,815 --> 00:10:27,216
really started to freak out.
214
00:10:27,217 --> 00:10:30,085
Baaah!
215
00:10:30,086 --> 00:10:32,120
Sophie, just relax,
216
00:10:32,121 --> 00:10:34,122
and maybe change into this paper gown
217
00:10:34,123 --> 00:10:35,657
so the doctor can have better access.
218
00:10:35,658 --> 00:10:36,891
And as I'm saying this,
219
00:10:36,892 --> 00:10:39,627
I really wonder what I am doing here.
220
00:10:39,628 --> 00:10:42,063
Well, I don't need a gown.
221
00:10:42,064 --> 00:10:45,132
I ripped the middle right out of my Spanx.
222
00:10:46,769 --> 00:10:48,002
It's Owen.
223
00:10:48,003 --> 00:10:49,471
"How about dinner tonight?
224
00:10:49,472 --> 00:10:52,239
Italian, sushi, whatever
you're in the mood for."
225
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:53,674
I'm in the mood for a little...
226
00:10:56,611 --> 00:10:58,412
Max, why don't you invite him over?
227
00:10:58,413 --> 00:10:59,847
You can make him a romantic dinner,
228
00:10:59,848 --> 00:11:01,047
and then you can watch
229
00:11:01,048 --> 00:11:04,416
"American Horror Story: Penis Edition."
230
00:11:05,452 --> 00:11:08,521
Miss Kuchenski, I'm Dr. Surden.
231
00:11:08,522 --> 00:11:11,222
Baaah!
232
00:11:14,193 --> 00:11:16,763
Miss Kuchenski, why
aren't you wearing a gown,
233
00:11:16,764 --> 00:11:20,498
and why are you clenching your knees?
234
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,669
Oh, no.
235
00:11:23,670 --> 00:11:27,005
I got the lock legs.
236
00:11:27,006 --> 00:11:29,974
Hang on; I got an idea.
237
00:11:32,978 --> 00:11:34,746
That tickles!
238
00:11:34,747 --> 00:11:36,147
Make your move now, Doc!
239
00:11:36,148 --> 00:11:37,783
That tickles!
240
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:40,351
Baaah!
241
00:11:40,352 --> 00:11:42,853
Uh, m-m-maybe I'll have the nurse
242
00:11:42,854 --> 00:11:44,388
bring something to relax you.
243
00:11:44,389 --> 00:11:47,456
I'll take a water if we're getting stuff.
244
00:11:50,861 --> 00:11:52,996
I got to get out of here.
245
00:11:52,997 --> 00:11:55,900
But, Sophie, he hasn't
even examined you yet.
246
00:11:55,901 --> 00:11:57,100
What's going on?
247
00:11:57,101 --> 00:11:59,869
You're acting odd-er than usual.
248
00:11:59,870 --> 00:12:04,140
Well, what if Oleg and I can't have a baby
249
00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:07,644
because there's something wrong with me?
250
00:12:07,645 --> 00:12:12,214
I mean, what if it's not Oleg's swimmers?
251
00:12:12,215 --> 00:12:15,416
What if it's my pool?
252
00:12:17,185 --> 00:12:20,656
I mean, that would be so...
253
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,791
sad.
254
00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:28,029
Here's how I want things to unfold.
255
00:12:28,030 --> 00:12:30,931
Do you think his thing will unfold?
256
00:12:32,434 --> 00:12:35,334
Like Beetlejuice?
257
00:12:36,671 --> 00:12:38,606
Do you think you can
handle getting to know him?
258
00:12:38,607 --> 00:12:40,007
I'm getting really upset.
259
00:12:40,008 --> 00:12:42,076
Hey, I have questions prepared.
260
00:12:42,077 --> 00:12:43,511
I'll be fine.
261
00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:45,145
You're the one who has to sit at Starbucks
262
00:12:45,146 --> 00:12:47,381
and listen to homeless
Barb pitch her screenplay
263
00:12:47,382 --> 00:12:49,283
for the next three hours.
264
00:12:49,284 --> 00:12:50,717
Uh, careful.
265
00:12:50,718 --> 00:12:53,286
I've got a producer credit on that.
266
00:12:54,555 --> 00:12:56,488
Max, your package is here.
267
00:12:58,625 --> 00:12:59,926
Hey.
268
00:12:59,927 --> 00:13:01,561
Hope you like white wine.
269
00:13:01,562 --> 00:13:03,595
Of course. I live with her.
270
00:13:04,598 --> 00:13:05,899
And "her" is leaving.
271
00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:07,433
Nice to see you, Owen.
272
00:13:07,434 --> 00:13:09,468
You two have a great time
getting to know each other.
273
00:13:09,469 --> 00:13:10,936
Don't let this one talk your ear off.
274
00:13:10,937 --> 00:13:13,171
She's the type of girl
that just loves to talk.
275
00:13:15,407 --> 00:13:16,976
You look beautiful.
276
00:13:16,977 --> 00:13:18,577
You went to all this trouble.
277
00:13:18,578 --> 00:13:20,746
I did. Thank you.
278
00:13:20,747 --> 00:13:22,748
And you look...
279
00:13:22,749 --> 00:13:25,383
man-beautiful.
280
00:13:25,384 --> 00:13:28,987
Shall we sit and get to know each other?
281
00:13:28,988 --> 00:13:32,023
Like, for instance,
282
00:13:32,024 --> 00:13:33,858
"Your wife's work friend Gary
283
00:13:33,859 --> 00:13:35,393
"invites her away on a business trip
284
00:13:35,394 --> 00:13:36,828
"where they'd be sharing one room.
285
00:13:36,829 --> 00:13:38,029
Do you, A... ".
286
00:13:38,030 --> 00:13:39,363
- Max.
- I know.
287
00:13:39,364 --> 00:13:41,664
Obviously, she bones him.
288
00:13:44,868 --> 00:13:46,870
When I said "get to know each other".
289
00:13:46,871 --> 00:13:48,972
I wasn't thinking "Scruples".
290
00:13:48,973 --> 00:13:51,875
I'm more of a "Hungry Hungry Hippos" guy.
291
00:13:51,876 --> 00:13:53,944
I wish I could afford "Scruples."
292
00:13:53,945 --> 00:13:56,245
This is "Scrumples."
293
00:13:57,347 --> 00:13:58,681
Look, I don't know how to do this.
294
00:13:58,682 --> 00:13:59,949
I feel stupid.
295
00:13:59,950 --> 00:14:01,250
You may feel stupid,
296
00:14:01,251 --> 00:14:03,118
but you look really cute right now.
297
00:14:03,119 --> 00:14:04,687
I do?
298
00:14:04,688 --> 00:14:05,955
How cute do I look?
299
00:14:05,956 --> 00:14:08,390
A, super very a lot.
300
00:14:08,391 --> 00:14:09,625
B...
301
00:14:09,626 --> 00:14:11,894
Oh, it's A.
302
00:14:11,895 --> 00:14:14,396
Seriously, have you never
gotten to know anybody ever?
303
00:14:14,397 --> 00:14:17,098
I...don't know.
304
00:14:17,099 --> 00:14:18,533
How do people get to know each other?
305
00:14:18,534 --> 00:14:21,770
I mean, what do you want to know?
306
00:14:21,771 --> 00:14:23,538
We didn't have any money growing up.
307
00:14:23,539 --> 00:14:25,173
My mom was an alcoholic.
308
00:14:25,174 --> 00:14:27,141
My father was...
309
00:14:27,142 --> 00:14:32,413
not able to be located by Maury Povich.
310
00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:34,281
We moved a lot because
311
00:14:34,282 --> 00:14:37,416
the parking brake on our house didn't work.
312
00:14:39,319 --> 00:14:41,021
So now you know me.
313
00:14:41,022 --> 00:14:43,790
I guess you'll be leaving.
314
00:14:50,496 --> 00:14:54,766
Was that an A, kiss good-bye?
315
00:14:56,002 --> 00:14:58,904
That's for being cute and for sharing that.
316
00:15:00,106 --> 00:15:03,776
I definitely think we should skip dinner...
317
00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:05,411
blow this out 'cause I worry about fire;
318
00:15:05,412 --> 00:15:08,279
that's something about me...
319
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:11,581
and go straight to dessert.
320
00:15:14,352 --> 00:15:17,087
Is it weird that I want to talk now?
321
00:15:20,493 --> 00:15:21,793
Oh, wow.
322
00:15:21,794 --> 00:15:23,694
Going right for it, huh?
323
00:15:23,695 --> 00:15:25,029
Wow.
324
00:15:25,030 --> 00:15:27,464
Never would've drawn that.
325
00:15:36,245 --> 00:15:37,846
I can't believe you won't tell me
326
00:15:37,847 --> 00:15:40,883
what's not regular about
Owen's "down there".
327
00:15:41,825 --> 00:15:44,158
I tell you everything.
328
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:46,561
Fine.
329
00:15:46,562 --> 00:15:48,130
Meet me at the first coleslaw tub.
330
00:15:48,131 --> 00:15:49,763
Come alone.
331
00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:52,900
- Get out.
- But I'm cooking.
332
00:15:52,901 --> 00:15:54,836
Get out.
333
00:15:54,837 --> 00:15:57,404
Fine. This is garbage anyway.
334
00:16:00,541 --> 00:16:01,876
Okay, okay. Tell me.
335
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:03,044
All right.
336
00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:05,046
Remember on "Full House,"
337
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:07,715
when you thought there was one Michelle,
338
00:16:07,716 --> 00:16:11,616
but there were actually two Michelles...
339
00:16:13,353 --> 00:16:14,554
Why are you bringing up
340
00:16:14,555 --> 00:16:17,457
one of the craziest days of my life?
341
00:16:17,458 --> 00:16:19,592
He has two.
342
00:16:19,593 --> 00:16:21,161
Two what?
343
00:16:21,162 --> 00:16:22,395
Owen has two penises!
344
00:16:22,396 --> 00:16:24,829
Why is it so hard to understand?
345
00:16:27,166 --> 00:16:29,301
Is that a thing that can happen?
346
00:16:29,302 --> 00:16:30,870
Yes. It's called diphallia.
347
00:16:30,871 --> 00:16:32,937
I just Googled it.
348
00:16:36,208 --> 00:16:38,277
It's a medical condition in which a male
349
00:16:38,278 --> 00:16:40,212
is born with two penises.
350
00:16:40,213 --> 00:16:44,048
The only case in which
two dongs make a right.
351
00:16:46,184 --> 00:16:49,387
Oleg, this was supposed to be private.
352
00:16:49,388 --> 00:16:52,355
I think you mean "privates."
353
00:16:53,758 --> 00:16:55,892
What's the ball count?
354
00:16:59,463 --> 00:17:01,131
Oleg, stop Googling!
355
00:17:01,132 --> 00:17:02,532
I'm not Googling.
356
00:17:02,533 --> 00:17:04,001
Now I'm on the phone with Sophie.
357
00:17:04,002 --> 00:17:06,335
Who has two penises?
358
00:17:07,670 --> 00:17:09,006
Max's boyfriend.
359
00:17:09,007 --> 00:17:10,774
What's going on back here?
360
00:17:10,775 --> 00:17:13,543
Max's boyfriend has two penises!
361
00:17:13,544 --> 00:17:15,645
Okay! Okay! That's it.
362
00:17:15,646 --> 00:17:17,847
No more talk about Owen's penis
363
00:17:17,848 --> 00:17:21,284
or his other penis.
364
00:17:21,285 --> 00:17:23,752
Well, Max, I guess he's not the one...
365
00:17:23,753 --> 00:17:26,321
'cause he's the two.
366
00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:30,359
Actually, I really like him,
367
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:33,428
and not just because I
can cheat on him with him.
368
00:17:34,763 --> 00:17:36,398
Max, you can't be serious.
369
00:17:36,399 --> 00:17:38,833
Hey, everyone has
something wrong with them.
370
00:17:38,834 --> 00:17:40,135
I'm messed up on the inside.
371
00:17:40,136 --> 00:17:41,502
At least Owen's is right out there
372
00:17:41,503 --> 00:17:42,703
where you can see it.
373
00:17:47,709 --> 00:17:50,678
Owen's stopping by just to chat.
374
00:17:50,679 --> 00:17:52,012
I like talking now.
375
00:17:52,013 --> 00:17:53,280
I think I'm gonna tell him
376
00:17:53,281 --> 00:17:54,915
about the first time I ran away from home.
377
00:17:54,916 --> 00:17:57,151
I crawled to Detroit.
378
00:17:57,152 --> 00:17:59,119
Max, I think it's great you were able
379
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,088
to look past Owen's situation.
380
00:18:01,089 --> 00:18:04,290
Even the sight of one of
them can be disturbing.
381
00:18:05,192 --> 00:18:06,593
Hey, everybody!
382
00:18:06,594 --> 00:18:08,162
Oh, good news.
383
00:18:08,163 --> 00:18:10,895
Oleg's got strong sperm.
384
00:18:11,831 --> 00:18:14,867
Well, that's the end of this cookie.
385
00:18:14,868 --> 00:18:16,569
And the bad news is...
386
00:18:16,570 --> 00:18:19,238
Oh, I thought that was the bad news.
387
00:18:19,239 --> 00:18:21,374
I went back to the doctor, and he said
388
00:18:21,375 --> 00:18:23,476
I can still get pregnant.
389
00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:25,511
It's just gonna take a while, you know,
390
00:18:25,512 --> 00:18:29,047
'cause my eggs are a bit like
the eggs here at the diner.
391
00:18:29,048 --> 00:18:31,616
You know, not exactly bad,
392
00:18:31,617 --> 00:18:35,753
just real close to the use-by date.
393
00:18:35,754 --> 00:18:37,655
Sophie, what made you
go back to the doctor?
394
00:18:37,656 --> 00:18:41,360
Well, you know, I was doing
a lot of soul-searching,
395
00:18:41,361 --> 00:18:44,362
and I left my purse there.
396
00:18:44,363 --> 00:18:46,230
So I figured, you know, while I'm here,
397
00:18:46,231 --> 00:18:48,199
why not take a look, you know?
398
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,568
I mean, like Max said,
everybody's got something.
399
00:18:51,569 --> 00:18:52,769
Well, not to brag,
400
00:18:52,770 --> 00:18:55,271
but mine's got two somethings.
401
00:18:56,474 --> 00:18:58,209
Hi. I'm here for, uh...
402
00:18:58,210 --> 00:19:00,742
Table for two. I mean one!
403
00:19:02,345 --> 00:19:05,081
Why did I say two?
404
00:19:05,082 --> 00:19:06,816
I don't know. Have a good one.
405
00:19:06,817 --> 00:19:09,117
You too. I mean, one!
406
00:19:10,086 --> 00:19:13,523
Oh, hi. Yeah.
407
00:19:13,524 --> 00:19:16,226
I've heard a lot about you.
408
00:19:16,227 --> 00:19:17,926
You know, but not everything.
409
00:19:17,927 --> 00:19:21,028
You know, just a couple of things.
410
00:19:22,097 --> 00:19:23,598
- She knows?
- What?
411
00:19:23,599 --> 00:19:25,567
Um, no.
412
00:19:25,568 --> 00:19:27,236
This is like meeting Elvis
413
00:19:27,237 --> 00:19:30,471
if Elvis had two penises
and didn't die on his toilet.
414
00:19:31,106 --> 00:19:32,741
Okay. They all know.
415
00:19:32,742 --> 00:19:35,609
Owen, wait! Wait. I'm sorry.
416
00:19:36,511 --> 00:19:40,348
Uh, I expected him to walk differently.
417
00:19:40,349 --> 00:19:41,882
Did anybody else think that?
418
00:19:41,883 --> 00:19:45,953
Yeah, I was wondering if
he wears briefs and boxers.
419
00:19:45,954 --> 00:19:49,223
I was wondering if he'd let
me take a selfie with them.
420
00:19:49,224 --> 00:19:51,224
Guys, Max really likes Owen,
421
00:19:51,225 --> 00:19:52,659
and she might have blown it.
422
00:19:52,660 --> 00:19:55,394
Which, again, seems like a lot of work.
423
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,331
What happened?
424
00:19:58,332 --> 00:19:59,632
He broke up with me.
425
00:19:59,633 --> 00:20:01,268
He broke up with you?
426
00:20:01,269 --> 00:20:02,702
He said I betrayed his trust,
427
00:20:02,703 --> 00:20:04,337
and I said, whether I like it or not,
428
00:20:04,338 --> 00:20:05,672
you guys know everything.
429
00:20:05,673 --> 00:20:07,207
You're part of the package.
430
00:20:07,208 --> 00:20:08,541
And what did he say?
431
00:20:08,542 --> 00:20:11,444
He said my package was too much for him.
432
00:20:11,445 --> 00:20:15,314
Your package is too much?
433
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:18,516
I mean, he's driving a double-Decker.
434
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:22,687
Coleslaw tub. Come alone.
435
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,390
Are you okay?
436
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:26,657
I'm fine.
437
00:20:26,658 --> 00:20:28,326
I don't really believe you,
438
00:20:28,327 --> 00:20:30,927
but I do know something that
might make you feel better.
439
00:20:31,629 --> 00:20:32,830
Oh, God! No!
440
00:20:32,831 --> 00:20:34,999
No more girl talk.
441
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,534
Private stash.
442
00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:39,036
I get sad a lot in here.
443
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:42,739
I really liked him.
444
00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:45,875
I did what you said,
445
00:20:45,876 --> 00:20:47,311
and I let him get to know me.
446
00:20:49,347 --> 00:20:52,182
I'm never doing that again.
447
00:20:52,183 --> 00:20:54,818
This isn't doing it for me.
448
00:20:57,021 --> 00:20:59,255
I'm gonna miss him.
449
00:21:00,665 --> 00:21:07,661
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