1
00:00:01,625 --> 00:00:03,834
Got a marriage proposal in the diner.
2
00:00:03,835 --> 00:00:06,964
Where they gonna honeymoon...
a Porta-Potty?
3
00:00:06,965 --> 00:00:08,947
That's the saddest thing I ever seen,
4
00:00:08,948 --> 00:00:12,776
and I was at a Rolling
Stones concert last night.
5
00:00:12,777 --> 00:00:14,826
The guy wants me to put
this ring her pie.
6
00:00:14,827 --> 00:00:16,326
'Cause you know what they say...
7
00:00:16,327 --> 00:00:20,036
If you like it, then you
gotta put a ring in it.
8
00:00:20,037 --> 00:00:22,116
Well, this is a first.
9
00:00:22,117 --> 00:00:24,616
A guy left me a half a
tuna sandwich as a tip.
10
00:00:24,617 --> 00:00:28,776
Which is still more
than Europeans leave.
11
00:00:28,777 --> 00:00:31,921
There's a proposal at table 40,
12
00:00:31,922 --> 00:00:33,236
and you have to do it.
13
00:00:33,237 --> 00:00:36,776
I already delivered a
baby in here today.
14
00:00:36,777 --> 00:00:38,986
Well, they've obviously
been dating a while,
15
00:00:38,987 --> 00:00:41,536
'cause she's eating
carbs in front of him.
16
00:00:41,537 --> 00:00:44,036
Caroline is so happy right now.
17
00:00:44,037 --> 00:00:46,406
She still believes in
all that love crap.
18
00:00:46,407 --> 00:00:50,366
Uh, she also believes
table 14 is table 40.
19
00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:52,446
Here's your pie.
20
00:00:52,447 --> 00:00:56,677
I have a feeling this dessert
is gonna be extra-sweet.
21
00:00:59,157 --> 00:01:01,406
It's an engagement ring!
22
00:01:01,407 --> 00:01:04,366
He hid it in the pie!
23
00:01:04,367 --> 00:01:06,826
Yes! Yes, I'll marry you.
24
00:01:06,827 --> 00:01:08,576
I know I said I was cool with waiting,
25
00:01:08,577 --> 00:01:11,007
but I wasn't cool with it!
26
00:01:12,367 --> 00:01:16,337
Yep. She messed up. This isn't yours.
27
00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:21,826
Um... again. I'm cool with waiting.
28
00:01:21,827 --> 00:01:25,520
And for you two, pie on the house,
29
00:01:25,521 --> 00:01:28,906
and I'm guessing a very
tense cab ride home.
30
00:01:28,907 --> 00:01:30,656
♪
♪
31
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:32,406
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
32
00:01:32,407 --> 00:01:34,196
[cash register bell dings]
33
00:01:34,197 --> 00:01:40,430
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
34
00:01:47,445 --> 00:01:49,846
Where's Earl? He isn't here yet,
35
00:01:49,847 --> 00:01:51,266
and I'm worried.
36
00:01:51,267 --> 00:01:54,686
Wait... it's not a black holiday, is it?
37
00:01:54,687 --> 00:01:57,976
Earl better not be dead,
or I'll kill him.
38
00:01:57,977 --> 00:02:00,186
We have a joint suicide pact.
39
00:02:00,187 --> 00:02:03,056
We smoke a joint and
then we kill ourselves.
40
00:02:03,057 --> 00:02:06,556
He's probably just late.
Don't overreact.
41
00:02:06,557 --> 00:02:09,056
That's exactly what Janine
at 911 said ten minutes ago
42
00:02:09,057 --> 00:02:11,386
when I overreacted with her!
43
00:02:11,387 --> 00:02:12,976
You called 911?
44
00:02:12,977 --> 00:02:15,266
When I came home three
hours late last night,
45
00:02:15,267 --> 00:02:18,386
you had already put all my
stuff out on the street.
46
00:02:18,387 --> 00:02:20,617
Hi, everybody!
47
00:02:21,977 --> 00:02:24,936
Wait a minute... where's Earl?
48
00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:26,846
It's not as much fun walking in here
49
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:30,516
if he's not down there
looking up at my boobs.
50
00:02:30,517 --> 00:02:32,556
He's late.
51
00:02:32,557 --> 00:02:34,056
[gasps] Late?
52
00:02:34,057 --> 00:02:36,146
Oh... I'm sorry, Max.
53
00:02:36,147 --> 00:02:39,686
I know you two were close.
54
00:02:39,687 --> 00:02:42,386
See? That's the kind of
sympathy I was looking for
55
00:02:42,387 --> 00:02:45,476
from you and Janine.
56
00:02:45,477 --> 00:02:47,266
Sophie, what's with those needles?
57
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:50,596
Oh, yeah... I'm getting
ready to shoot up.
58
00:02:50,597 --> 00:02:53,596
Sophie's starting her
fertility shots today.
59
00:02:53,597 --> 00:02:55,386
Before long, we'll be parents.
60
00:02:55,387 --> 00:02:56,976
Look out, PTA meetings...
61
00:02:56,977 --> 00:03:00,806
I'll bring the P. She'll bring the T&A.
62
00:03:00,807 --> 00:03:02,846
All right, come on, Oleg.
I'm ready for my first shot.
63
00:03:02,847 --> 00:03:04,596
Come on, let's go to the ladies' room
64
00:03:04,597 --> 00:03:06,686
so you can poke me real good.
65
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,976
You're not poking her anywhere in here.
66
00:03:09,977 --> 00:03:14,766
Thanks to you, the handicap
stall is a condom graveyard!
67
00:03:14,767 --> 00:03:17,686
Sophie, you know I'm only
afraid of two things...
68
00:03:17,687 --> 00:03:21,686
needles and Kenny Rogers
after the eyelift.
69
00:03:21,687 --> 00:03:24,157
He did not know when to fold 'em.
70
00:03:26,017 --> 00:03:28,016
Someone else will have
to give you your shots.
71
00:03:28,017 --> 00:03:29,806
Well, I guess I could do it.
72
00:03:29,807 --> 00:03:31,436
Roll up your sleeve.
73
00:03:31,437 --> 00:03:33,646
Okay, yeah.
74
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:36,686
I'll roll up my sleeve...
and then pull down my Spanx,
75
00:03:36,687 --> 00:03:41,016
'cause you gotta put it where
the sun don't shine, baby.
76
00:03:41,017 --> 00:03:43,686
Uh... this is a little
awkward, but Sophie,
77
00:03:43,687 --> 00:03:48,436
I was unaware I'd be
injecting your badonkadonk.
78
00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:50,056
Okay, Han.
79
00:03:50,057 --> 00:03:52,766
Take my hand...
80
00:03:52,767 --> 00:03:54,846
That's right. Mm-hmm.
81
00:03:54,847 --> 00:03:57,266
That's real good. All right, come on.
82
00:03:57,267 --> 00:03:58,646
And I'm gonna take you now
83
00:03:58,647 --> 00:04:01,947
to show you your first lady butt.
84
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:08,846
Now, there's a heart-warming tableau
85
00:04:08,847 --> 00:04:11,686
that Norman Rockwell somehow missed.
86
00:04:11,687 --> 00:04:13,936
Hello, ladies.
87
00:04:13,937 --> 00:04:17,096
Earl! I'm so glad you're alive.
88
00:04:17,097 --> 00:04:20,476
You always go straight to dead, Max.
89
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:23,096
But thanks for sending the paramedics.
90
00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:26,747
I needed help finding
my Apple TV remote.
91
00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:30,016
I was stuck on the phone with Barry
92
00:04:30,017 --> 00:04:32,846
from my old jazz band The Early Birds.
93
00:04:32,847 --> 00:04:35,846
You may have read about us
in "Never Made It" magazine.
94
00:04:35,847 --> 00:04:39,726
Caroline and I were on
the cover last week.
95
00:04:39,727 --> 00:04:42,096
He told me they're holding
an anniversary show
96
00:04:42,097 --> 00:04:43,726
down at Ruby's,
97
00:04:43,727 --> 00:04:45,556
and The Early Birds
are invited to perform
98
00:04:45,557 --> 00:04:46,806
on Friday night.
99
00:04:46,807 --> 00:04:49,436
[gasps] Earl!
100
00:04:49,437 --> 00:04:52,936
One of my dreams is to
hear you play live.
101
00:04:52,937 --> 00:04:54,646
And the other one already happened...
102
00:04:54,647 --> 00:04:57,766
breakfast all day at McDonald's.
103
00:04:57,767 --> 00:04:59,646
Well, I hate to burst
your McMuffin, Max,
104
00:04:59,647 --> 00:05:01,436
but that ain't gonna happen,
105
00:05:01,437 --> 00:05:03,346
'cause I'm not invited to play.
106
00:05:03,347 --> 00:05:05,146
Ruby doesn't want me there.
107
00:05:05,147 --> 00:05:07,096
Ruby hates Earl.
108
00:05:07,097 --> 00:05:10,226
Well, then Max hates Ruby.
109
00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:13,146
Oh! What happened between you and Ruby?
110
00:05:13,147 --> 00:05:15,306
Was it a crazy love affair?
111
00:05:15,307 --> 00:05:18,766
Mm-hmm. We were hot.
112
00:05:18,767 --> 00:05:21,436
Oh! An amour fou?
113
00:05:21,437 --> 00:05:24,657
No, it was a-more I fooled
around with her sister.
114
00:05:30,187 --> 00:05:32,976
Look! [gasps] Earl and The Early Birds!
115
00:05:32,977 --> 00:05:35,346
- Where'd you get that?
- I went down the street
116
00:05:35,347 --> 00:05:37,186
to Smart & Vinyl.
117
00:05:37,187 --> 00:05:38,726
12.95.
118
00:05:38,727 --> 00:05:40,886
You spent 12.95 on Earl's record,
119
00:05:40,887 --> 00:05:46,016
but you wouldn't lend me
25¢ for a latte yesterday?
120
00:05:46,017 --> 00:05:48,306
Look, we gotta do something about Earl.
121
00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:50,306
He deserves to play at that jazz club.
122
00:05:50,307 --> 00:05:52,516
I mean, he is the only
one at this diner
123
00:05:52,517 --> 00:05:54,867
who has a chance to make it.
124
00:05:56,387 --> 00:05:58,806
I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but of all of us here,
125
00:05:58,807 --> 00:06:02,686
you think the 80-year-old
has the brightest future?
126
00:06:02,687 --> 00:06:04,596
For as long as I've known Earl,
127
00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:06,726
all he talked about is how
proud he was of that band.
128
00:06:06,727 --> 00:06:08,016
And that Ruby woman
129
00:06:08,017 --> 00:06:10,386
is denying him the
chance to play again?
130
00:06:10,387 --> 00:06:11,806
Not on my watch.
131
00:06:11,807 --> 00:06:13,476
If I own one.
132
00:06:13,477 --> 00:06:16,766
Which... I do not.
133
00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:18,096
We are going down to that club
134
00:06:18,097 --> 00:06:19,806
and talk some sense into Ruby,
135
00:06:19,807 --> 00:06:22,846
because Earl would do the same
for us if we had any talent.
136
00:06:22,847 --> 00:06:24,436
I just have to ask...
137
00:06:24,437 --> 00:06:26,806
you do think we're gonna
get out of here one day.
138
00:06:26,807 --> 00:06:27,846
Oh, for sure!
139
00:06:27,847 --> 00:06:30,617
In body bags.
140
00:06:38,977 --> 00:06:41,386
Wow, this place is the real deal!
141
00:06:41,387 --> 00:06:43,806
All the jazz greats sang here.
142
00:06:43,807 --> 00:06:47,266
Look... Ella Fitzgerald,
Sarah Vaughan, Nina Simone.
143
00:06:47,267 --> 00:06:48,976
You know, there was a moment
when I wanted to be...
144
00:06:48,977 --> 00:06:51,907
Was there ever a moment
when you wanted to be quiet?
145
00:06:53,387 --> 00:06:55,806
Scotch on the house, please.
146
00:06:55,807 --> 00:06:58,056
Normally, I don't drink
in the afternoon,
147
00:06:58,057 --> 00:07:00,117
but it's still morning.
148
00:07:01,597 --> 00:07:03,346
I'll have a Lillet.
149
00:07:03,347 --> 00:07:05,263
I hear it was Billie Holiday's poison.
150
00:07:05,264 --> 00:07:06,686
You know, there was
a moment when I was...
151
00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:08,846
That moment's over.
152
00:07:08,847 --> 00:07:10,646
Sir, we're here to see Ruby.
153
00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:13,867
Who wants to see Ruby?
154
00:07:16,387 --> 00:07:17,886
She's coming in real hot, Max.
155
00:07:17,887 --> 00:07:19,726
Maybe this isn't a good idea.
156
00:07:19,727 --> 00:07:21,596
There's only one old
woman who scares me,
157
00:07:21,597 --> 00:07:24,346
and his name is Steven Tyler.
158
00:07:24,347 --> 00:07:25,686
I'm Ruby.
159
00:07:25,687 --> 00:07:27,186
Well... if it isn't
160
00:07:27,187 --> 00:07:30,596
"Miss doesn't invite people to stuff."
161
00:07:30,597 --> 00:07:33,886
Who's also known as
Miss Very, Very Pretty.
162
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:36,266
I don't need someone to
tell me that I'm pretty.
163
00:07:36,267 --> 00:07:37,726
That's what I told Roy Orbison
164
00:07:37,727 --> 00:07:40,096
when he wrote "Pretty Woman for me.
165
00:07:40,097 --> 00:07:41,686
What do you little girls want?
166
00:07:41,687 --> 00:07:43,766
We're friends of Earl.
167
00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:45,346
- Of Earl?
- You know, Earl.
168
00:07:45,347 --> 00:07:46,936
From The Early Birds.
169
00:07:46,937 --> 00:07:49,096
You know, the guy who put
this club on the map.
170
00:07:49,097 --> 00:07:50,976
Oh, that Earl!
171
00:07:50,977 --> 00:07:53,766
He's a bum!
172
00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:56,077
Girl, you better check yourself!
173
00:07:58,097 --> 00:08:00,726
No one says anything bad about my Earl.
174
00:08:00,727 --> 00:08:03,806
Your Ear... Well, I
prefer not to go to jail
175
00:08:03,807 --> 00:08:06,436
for murdering Earl's girlfriend, but...
176
00:08:06,437 --> 00:08:08,146
it's not that strong a preference.
177
00:08:08,147 --> 00:08:09,556
Here, hold my hoops!
178
00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:10,766
Oh, no, no, no, no.
179
00:08:10,767 --> 00:08:12,726
Max isn't Earl's girlfriend.
180
00:08:12,727 --> 00:08:14,686
He's more like a father-figure to her.
181
00:08:14,687 --> 00:08:17,266
More like a great-grandfather figure!
182
00:08:17,267 --> 00:08:20,037
He's both! Hold my hoops!
183
00:08:21,347 --> 00:08:23,646
Everybody calm down, take a beat.
184
00:08:23,647 --> 00:08:25,646
A jazzy beat, of course.
185
00:08:25,647 --> 00:08:27,726
I only have two questions for you...
186
00:08:27,727 --> 00:08:28,976
Why is she so upset?
187
00:08:28,977 --> 00:08:31,266
And what the hell is a jazzy beat?
188
00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:34,806
I'm upset because I know
Earl helped build this club,
189
00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:37,806
and he wasn't invited to
play your anniversary show.
190
00:08:37,807 --> 00:08:40,186
That's right... 'cause he's a bum!
191
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,476
Hold my hoops again!
192
00:08:42,477 --> 00:08:44,726
That no-good, two-timin' musical genius
193
00:08:44,727 --> 00:08:47,266
will never set foot in
my club while I'm alive.
194
00:08:47,267 --> 00:08:50,806
Here, hold my hoops while
I unstrap the pistol on my shoe.
195
00:08:50,807 --> 00:08:53,806
Ruby, come on, can't
you just let him play?
196
00:08:53,807 --> 00:08:56,646
I mean, he's just a
cashier at a diner now.
197
00:08:56,647 --> 00:08:58,556
What'd you just call him?
198
00:08:58,557 --> 00:09:01,016
Earl is more than just a cashier.
199
00:09:01,017 --> 00:09:02,936
That is his job, not what he is.
200
00:09:02,937 --> 00:09:04,346
How dare you!
201
00:09:04,347 --> 00:09:06,096
Yeah, how dare she!
202
00:09:06,097 --> 00:09:08,436
Both: Hold my hoops!
203
00:09:08,437 --> 00:09:10,846
Hold your hoops! I'm sorry.
204
00:09:10,847 --> 00:09:13,617
He's not a cashier.
He's a musical genius.
205
00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:16,266
Damn it.
206
00:09:16,267 --> 00:09:18,476
I can't believe that Earl would end up
207
00:09:18,477 --> 00:09:21,346
in a dead-end job as a
cashier in a diner.
208
00:09:21,347 --> 00:09:23,936
Well, I mean, it doesn't
have to be a dead-end.
209
00:09:23,937 --> 00:09:25,476
He could get out anytime...
210
00:09:25,477 --> 00:09:28,476
him and the other
people that work there.
211
00:09:28,477 --> 00:09:30,096
All right, he can come.
212
00:09:30,097 --> 00:09:33,056
But just make sure he
shows up and he is sober.
213
00:09:33,057 --> 00:09:34,686
That man only has two settings...
214
00:09:34,687 --> 00:09:37,657
"high off his ass"
or "not in the room."
215
00:09:38,887 --> 00:09:40,556
He'll be here.
216
00:09:40,557 --> 00:09:42,646
Okay, I don't know
whose hoops are whose.
217
00:09:42,647 --> 00:09:45,907
We got a real "whose hoops" over here.
218
00:09:52,706 --> 00:09:54,274
Isn't that exciting, Earl?
219
00:09:54,275 --> 00:09:56,193
You're playing at the club!
220
00:09:56,194 --> 00:09:58,563
I'm gonna go ahead
and call it a comeback.
221
00:09:58,564 --> 00:10:02,693
And then I'm gonna go find
an outfit that I can take back.
222
00:10:02,694 --> 00:10:05,153
So, Earl, obviously, I'll be your date,
223
00:10:05,154 --> 00:10:08,233
and obviously, we'll pretend
that we don't know Caroline.
224
00:10:08,234 --> 00:10:10,943
I can't believe that you
girls went to see Ruby
225
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:15,193
and came back with your hoops and hair.
226
00:10:15,194 --> 00:10:18,893
But there's one problem:
I no longer own a saxophone.
227
00:10:18,894 --> 00:10:21,233
How can you not own a saxophone?
228
00:10:21,234 --> 00:10:24,563
That's like me not owning muh jugs.
229
00:10:24,564 --> 00:10:26,233
I sold it 'cause I needed the money.
230
00:10:26,234 --> 00:10:27,733
I had just kicked heroin,
231
00:10:27,734 --> 00:10:30,773
and I was buying a lotta cocaine.
232
00:10:30,774 --> 00:10:33,193
But thanks, girls.
It would have been really nice.
233
00:10:33,194 --> 00:10:34,983
Aw, Earl, that's too bad.
234
00:10:34,984 --> 00:10:36,733
I was really excited to see the show.
235
00:10:36,734 --> 00:10:39,773
I think when we went to Ruby's,
I caught the jazz bug.
236
00:10:39,774 --> 00:10:44,443
In my day, when you caught
the jazz bug, you had syphilis.
237
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,563
Obviously, we have to
get Earl a saxophone
238
00:10:46,564 --> 00:10:47,983
so he can play in the show.
239
00:10:47,984 --> 00:10:51,193
Max, if you put this much
effort into our life,
240
00:10:51,194 --> 00:10:55,313
we'd be off the cover of
"Never Made It" magazine.
241
00:10:55,314 --> 00:10:57,563
We can't afford a musical instrument.
242
00:10:57,564 --> 00:10:59,733
Trust me, if there's
anything I know how to find,
243
00:10:59,734 --> 00:11:02,334
it's cheap sax.
244
00:11:06,814 --> 00:11:09,653
So, Earl, you're back in
your old stomping grounds.
245
00:11:09,654 --> 00:11:11,523
How's it feel?
246
00:11:11,524 --> 00:11:14,273
Should bring back a
lotta memories, huh?
247
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,193
It sure should!
248
00:11:16,194 --> 00:11:18,693
There's my girl!
249
00:11:18,694 --> 00:11:20,983
She and I used to have
a lot of great talks.
250
00:11:20,984 --> 00:11:23,393
Earl, you played with Ella Fitzgerald?
251
00:11:23,394 --> 00:11:25,693
It's possible.
252
00:11:25,694 --> 00:11:28,693
Or else I talked to that picture.
253
00:11:28,694 --> 00:11:31,063
I did a lot of drugs.
254
00:11:31,064 --> 00:11:33,603
Whenever I think of Ella,
I just want to
255
00:11:33,604 --> 00:11:37,313
♪ Scooby-Doo-bop-bop,
squiddly dop-dop-bah ♪
256
00:11:37,314 --> 00:11:42,063
Do that again, and I'm gonna
squiddly-da-bop you in the head.
257
00:11:42,064 --> 00:11:44,023
I gotta admit, I'm excited to play.
258
00:11:44,024 --> 00:11:45,563
I got my mojo working
259
00:11:45,564 --> 00:11:48,313
and my pacemaker on cruise control.
260
00:11:48,314 --> 00:11:50,893
I appreciate all the trouble, girls.
261
00:11:50,894 --> 00:11:53,653
Just don't forget us
when you make it big.
262
00:11:53,654 --> 00:11:57,374
And we won't forget you
when we make it big.
263
00:11:58,774 --> 00:12:01,563
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
264
00:12:01,564 --> 00:12:04,313
Ahh! Well, well, well.
265
00:12:04,314 --> 00:12:07,943
Earl with a couple of
18-year-old white girls.
266
00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:10,193
It's the '60s all over again.
267
00:12:10,194 --> 00:12:11,653
If it was the '60s,
268
00:12:11,654 --> 00:12:13,693
you and I would be in the coat closet
269
00:12:13,694 --> 00:12:17,393
gettin' on the good foot
doin' the bad thing.
270
00:12:17,394 --> 00:12:20,523
You look beautiful as ever, Ruby.
271
00:12:20,524 --> 00:12:22,393
Well, Earl,
272
00:12:22,394 --> 00:12:24,273
I must say, you look...
273
00:12:24,274 --> 00:12:26,853
Wiser? Distinguished?
274
00:12:26,854 --> 00:12:29,794
Mature like a fine wine.
275
00:12:30,774 --> 00:12:33,943
I was gonna say less on heroin.
276
00:12:33,944 --> 00:12:36,393
I haven't done smack in 30 years.
277
00:12:36,394 --> 00:12:38,313
I even quit Honey Smacks
278
00:12:38,314 --> 00:12:41,353
'cause I thought it might tempt me.
279
00:12:41,354 --> 00:12:42,773
Ruby, just putting it out there...
280
00:12:42,774 --> 00:12:44,693
if you need someone
to warm up the crowd,
281
00:12:44,694 --> 00:12:46,693
I was in my high school's jazz choir.
282
00:12:46,694 --> 00:12:48,563
I sang "God Bless the Child."
283
00:12:48,564 --> 00:12:50,733
[chuckles] Well, God bless the children
284
00:12:50,734 --> 00:12:53,563
that had to listen to that.
285
00:12:53,564 --> 00:12:56,153
Well, it's gonna be
very interesting, Earl.
286
00:12:56,154 --> 00:12:58,563
I don't think I ever
remember you playing sober.
287
00:12:58,564 --> 00:13:01,693
You always said the
junk gave you the funk.
288
00:13:01,694 --> 00:13:03,983
- I did?
- Mm-hmm.
289
00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:06,853
Well, that was clever.
290
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:09,393
You know what wasn't clever?
291
00:13:09,394 --> 00:13:13,813
Leaving your underpants on
my sister's breakfast table.
292
00:13:13,814 --> 00:13:16,563
Anyway, break a leg. Or... a heart.
293
00:13:16,564 --> 00:13:18,273
You're good at that.
294
00:13:18,274 --> 00:13:21,653
I was good at a lot of
things with you, Ruby.
295
00:13:21,654 --> 00:13:24,773
[lecherous giggle]
296
00:13:24,774 --> 00:13:26,943
[chortling]
297
00:13:26,944 --> 00:13:29,353
Girls, I just realized...
298
00:13:29,354 --> 00:13:32,563
I never played straight.
299
00:13:32,564 --> 00:13:34,273
Excuse me, ladies.
300
00:13:34,274 --> 00:13:37,124
I have to freshen up in the men's room.
301
00:13:39,194 --> 00:13:41,393
You don't think "freshen up" means...
302
00:13:41,394 --> 00:13:43,733
what I think we both think it means.
303
00:13:43,734 --> 00:13:47,563
No. Earl's been clean for 30 years.
304
00:13:47,564 --> 00:13:49,653
Plus, you don't just
go into the bathroom
305
00:13:49,654 --> 00:13:52,273
of a jazz club where you
did heroin to find heroin.
306
00:13:52,274 --> 00:13:54,704
I'll just go take a peek.
307
00:14:02,722 --> 00:14:04,462
Earl's still in the bathroom.
308
00:14:04,463 --> 00:14:06,082
You know what's not in the bathroom?
309
00:14:06,083 --> 00:14:08,393
Doors on the stalls.
310
00:14:09,753 --> 00:14:11,792
Damn it! I forgot I invited people.
311
00:14:11,793 --> 00:14:13,542
Hey, girls, come on.
312
00:14:13,543 --> 00:14:17,582
Admit it... everyone hates jazz, right?
313
00:14:17,583 --> 00:14:19,382
Well, I love it.
314
00:14:19,383 --> 00:14:22,342
See? It's the worst!
315
00:14:22,343 --> 00:14:24,882
I like going downtown.
316
00:14:24,883 --> 00:14:27,882
I don't have to tell you that.
317
00:14:27,883 --> 00:14:29,582
Where's Han?
318
00:14:29,583 --> 00:14:31,292
He's standing right under me, isn't me?
319
00:14:31,293 --> 00:14:33,882
Ooh! $15 a drink.
320
00:14:33,883 --> 00:14:36,752
That's your whole night in Secaucus!
321
00:14:36,753 --> 00:14:40,002
Han, I can't take shots and jazz
322
00:14:40,003 --> 00:14:43,792
and your personality at the same time.
323
00:14:43,793 --> 00:14:46,132
Sophie, relax. It'll be fine.
324
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:48,502
I'll buy you a drink first.
325
00:14:48,503 --> 00:14:50,672
Hold my syringe while
I get my credit card.
326
00:14:50,673 --> 00:14:54,183
Who are you, my mom?
327
00:14:55,133 --> 00:14:56,792
Oh, Earl, how you doing?
328
00:14:56,793 --> 00:14:58,292
Max, that's real sweet of you
329
00:14:58,293 --> 00:15:02,292
to score some dope for
me, but I'm gonna pass.
330
00:15:02,293 --> 00:15:04,172
No. These are Sophie's fertility drugs.
331
00:15:04,173 --> 00:15:06,172
All this'll give you is great breasts.
332
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:08,582
Still no. If I had great breasts,
333
00:15:08,583 --> 00:15:10,983
I'd never get out of bed.
334
00:15:12,343 --> 00:15:14,172
Good evening. My name is Ruby.
335
00:15:14,173 --> 00:15:16,252
And in case you forget that,
336
00:15:16,253 --> 00:15:18,233
it's written in neon
all over the place.
337
00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:22,582
- You ready?
- Yep. Ready to leave.
338
00:15:22,583 --> 00:15:24,082
- What?
- You heard Ruby.
339
00:15:24,083 --> 00:15:26,462
I've never played not high,
340
00:15:26,463 --> 00:15:28,292
and I'm not about to try it now.
341
00:15:28,293 --> 00:15:32,082
Now, I know you're all here
for The Early Birds tonight,
342
00:15:32,083 --> 00:15:34,292
so hang onto your hats
and hide your sisters.
343
00:15:34,293 --> 00:15:37,882
[chuckling] And help me
welcome back to the stage
344
00:15:37,883 --> 00:15:40,382
The Early Birds, featuring Earl!
345
00:15:40,383 --> 00:15:41,383
[applause]
346
00:15:41,384 --> 00:15:43,082
Earl!
347
00:15:43,083 --> 00:15:45,132
Oh, a-am I still here?
348
00:15:45,133 --> 00:15:48,982
In my mind, I was running so fast.
349
00:15:49,427 --> 00:15:51,676
Earl... we're waiting for you. [chuckles]
350
00:15:51,677 --> 00:15:53,756
He's acting like the stage
351
00:15:53,757 --> 00:15:56,256
wants him to commit to a
monogamous relationship.
352
00:15:56,257 --> 00:15:58,626
You know what I'm talkin'
about, right, ladies?
353
00:15:58,627 --> 00:16:02,716
Whoo-hoo! Yeah, jazz is funny!
354
00:16:02,717 --> 00:16:05,626
Boys, y'all know the drill.
Vamp! Vamp, boys, vamp.
355
00:16:05,627 --> 00:16:06,926
[band begins set]
356
00:16:06,927 --> 00:16:08,296
You gotta go up and buy us some time
357
00:16:08,297 --> 00:16:10,126
so I can convince Earl to get up there.
358
00:16:10,127 --> 00:16:12,626
Max, I don't know if I could do that.
359
00:16:12,627 --> 00:16:14,086
Should I go with "God Bless the Child"
360
00:16:14,087 --> 00:16:15,506
or "Lady Sings the Blues"?
361
00:16:15,507 --> 00:16:17,296
Quit adding white things to you.
362
00:16:17,297 --> 00:16:19,796
You're already the whitest person here.
363
00:16:19,797 --> 00:16:21,187
Just go.
364
00:16:23,717 --> 00:16:25,796
Hey, there, you crazy cats.
365
00:16:25,797 --> 00:16:27,926
Earl will be out in a hot second.
366
00:16:27,927 --> 00:16:29,626
How y'all doin'?
367
00:16:29,627 --> 00:16:32,216
And-a one, and-a two, and-a three...
368
00:16:32,217 --> 00:16:35,506
martinis over on this table!
369
00:16:35,507 --> 00:16:37,586
You know when someone else
says something stupid,
370
00:16:37,587 --> 00:16:39,796
but you're embarrassed?
371
00:16:39,797 --> 00:16:42,006
Earl, I thought this
would make you happy,
372
00:16:42,007 --> 00:16:44,426
but if you don't wanna
play, we can just go.
373
00:16:44,427 --> 00:16:46,426
- Then let's just go.
- Damn it, Earl!
374
00:16:46,427 --> 00:16:47,966
Follow along, boys.
375
00:16:47,967 --> 00:16:49,716
Just keep it bright and breezy,
376
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:51,926
and "God Bless the Child."
377
00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:53,296
(Barry) Is this a joke?
378
00:16:53,297 --> 00:16:55,006
[laughter]
379
00:16:55,007 --> 00:16:59,506
I'm gonna have to shoot up
myself to get through this.
380
00:16:59,507 --> 00:17:03,756
Sometimes when the crickets
start chirpin' down South
381
00:17:03,757 --> 00:17:06,626
late on a summer's night...
382
00:17:06,627 --> 00:17:09,676
Seriously... is this a joke?
383
00:17:09,677 --> 00:17:11,296
[laughter, murmuring]
384
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,386
I just have to break into this song.
385
00:17:13,387 --> 00:17:14,796
Oh, lord.
386
00:17:14,797 --> 00:17:16,426
♪ Scooby-Doo-bop-bop ♪
387
00:17:16,427 --> 00:17:18,296
♪ Squiddly dop-dop-bah ♪
388
00:17:18,297 --> 00:17:20,216
Somebody shoot me!
389
00:17:20,217 --> 00:17:21,836
[laughter]
390
00:17:21,837 --> 00:17:23,322
You know what, Max, it turns out
391
00:17:23,323 --> 00:17:25,032
I don't need junk to get up there.
392
00:17:25,033 --> 00:17:27,702
I just needed Caroline
to start singing.
393
00:17:27,703 --> 00:17:29,202
Let's fly, Birds.
394
00:17:29,203 --> 00:17:31,032
[snapping] A-five, six, seven, eight.
395
00:17:31,033 --> 00:17:34,032
[playing jazzy tune]
396
00:17:34,033 --> 00:17:42,133
♪ ♪
397
00:17:42,573 --> 00:17:45,412
Thanks for warming them up, darling.
398
00:17:45,413 --> 00:17:46,952
On, Earl, I can stay and sing...
399
00:17:46,953 --> 00:17:49,412
We good. Caroline Channing, folks.
400
00:17:49,413 --> 00:17:52,242
[applause]
401
00:17:52,243 --> 00:17:55,412
Everybody, thank you all
for coming out tonight.
402
00:17:55,413 --> 00:17:58,702
Okay, a-one, two, three...
403
00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:01,782
[playing "Comin' Home Baby"]
404
00:18:01,783 --> 00:18:09,883
♪ ♪
405
00:18:16,243 --> 00:18:19,242
That is one cool cashier.
406
00:18:19,243 --> 00:18:21,702
[Ruby chuckles]
407
00:18:21,703 --> 00:18:25,362
♪ ♪
408
00:18:25,363 --> 00:18:27,782
Ha. He's still got it!
409
00:18:27,783 --> 00:18:30,072
Yes, he does.
410
00:18:30,073 --> 00:18:35,412
♪ ♪
411
00:18:35,413 --> 00:18:38,412
All I know is if that white
girl had started singin',
412
00:18:38,413 --> 00:18:41,662
you were gonna have to hold my hoops!
413
00:18:41,663 --> 00:18:49,763
♪ ♪
414
00:18:52,623 --> 00:18:55,202
Wow, Earl's been napping
pretty much this whole time.
415
00:18:55,203 --> 00:18:56,862
It was a big night for him.
416
00:18:56,863 --> 00:18:59,662
He got back on the horse without
getting back on the horse.
417
00:18:59,663 --> 00:19:01,532
But I'm pretty sure
he got back on Ruby.
418
00:19:01,533 --> 00:19:05,492
I know he got back on her,
'cause I had to hold her hoops.
419
00:19:05,493 --> 00:19:07,202
I hate to say this,
420
00:19:07,203 --> 00:19:09,122
but I'm a little jealous of Earl.
421
00:19:09,123 --> 00:19:11,452
He got a chance to do
what he's best at again.
422
00:19:11,453 --> 00:19:13,362
I'm beginning to think I
may never get that chance.
423
00:19:13,363 --> 00:19:16,362
Aw, were you holding on to hope?
424
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,532
Stop. You have time. Earl's 80.
425
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:21,282
You're only, what, like 50 now?
426
00:19:21,283 --> 00:19:26,662
Max, I really wanted to sing tonight.
427
00:19:26,663 --> 00:19:28,412
Fine.
428
00:19:28,413 --> 00:19:30,492
Earl, wake up.
429
00:19:30,493 --> 00:19:31,992
Damn it.
430
00:19:31,993 --> 00:19:35,282
Have I been living on the subway again?
431
00:19:35,283 --> 00:19:37,202
No. Caroline needs you to play.
432
00:19:37,203 --> 00:19:39,662
Oh, I don't think I could
sing on the subway.
433
00:19:39,663 --> 00:19:41,572
"God Bless the Child" in a G.
434
00:19:41,573 --> 00:19:44,282
Caroline, you're not really
gonna sing the blues.
435
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:45,782
I mean, that music's about suffering,
436
00:19:45,783 --> 00:19:47,572
the pain of losing everything.
437
00:19:47,573 --> 00:19:49,572
How would a girl like
you know about that?
438
00:19:49,573 --> 00:19:51,742
I lost $5 billion.
439
00:19:51,743 --> 00:19:53,572
Key of G, you said.
440
00:19:53,573 --> 00:19:58,122
'Scuse me... this girl's going
to sing for you right now.
441
00:19:58,123 --> 00:20:00,362
We don't want money,
so don't throw things.
442
00:20:00,363 --> 00:20:02,702
So everybody listen up. Not you, sir.
443
00:20:02,703 --> 00:20:05,452
I know you're busy masturbating.
444
00:20:05,453 --> 00:20:07,162
Ready?
445
00:20:07,163 --> 00:20:08,452
♪
446
00:20:08,453 --> 00:20:11,072
♪ Them's that got shall have ♪
447
00:20:11,073 --> 00:20:12,073
Yeah.
448
00:20:12,074 --> 00:20:14,702
♪♪♪
♪♪
449
00:20:14,703 --> 00:20:17,572
♪ Them's that's not shall lose ♪
450
00:20:17,573 --> 00:20:18,533
Mm-hmm!
451
00:20:18,534 --> 00:20:21,492
♪♪♪-♪
♪♪♪
452
00:20:21,493 --> 00:20:24,912
- ♪ So the bible said ♪
- Yeah!
453
00:20:24,913 --> 00:20:27,912
♪♪
♪♪
♪
454
00:20:27,913 --> 00:20:30,572
♪ And it still is news ♪
455
00:20:30,573 --> 00:20:33,492
♪♪
♪ ♪♪
456
00:20:33,493 --> 00:20:36,492
♪ Mama may have ♪
457
00:20:36,493 --> 00:20:38,282
♪♪♪
458
00:20:38,283 --> 00:20:40,202
♪ Papa may have ♪
459
00:20:40,203 --> 00:20:42,122
♪♪
♪ ♪
460
00:20:42,123 --> 00:20:45,912
- ♪ But God bless the child ♪
- ♪♪
♪♪♪
461
00:20:45,913 --> 00:20:48,162
- ♪ That's got his own ♪
- ♪♪
♪♪
462
00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:52,492
- ♪ That's got his own ♪
- ♪♪
♪♪
463
00:20:52,493 --> 00:20:54,202
Yeah...
464
00:20:54,203 --> 00:20:55,742
All right, everybody
start throwing some money.
465
00:20:55,743 --> 00:20:58,673
I didn't think she was
gonna be that good.
466
00:21:03,243 --> 00:21:04,963
[cash register bell dings]
467
00:21:05,623 --> 00:21:12,949
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.