1
00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:05,080
Good morning,jack.
2
00:00:05,090 --> 00:00:08,420
Lemon,I'm helping to organize a little
fundraising dinner for john mccain this weekend,
3
00:00:08,430 --> 00:00:10,220
and I need some women to attend.
4
00:00:10,230 --> 00:00:12,740
So it doesn't turn into
another giant sausage fest.
5
00:00:12,770 --> 00:00:14,160
Well,I don't know.
6
00:00:14,170 --> 00:00:16,670
What's the committee
to reinvade vietnam?
7
00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:17,920
Just say you'll come.
8
00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:21,300
Jonathan's going to round up all
the cool republican celebrities.
9
00:00:21,310 --> 00:00:22,660
Like who,chuck norris?
10
00:00:22,670 --> 00:00:26,320
No,C.Nor and I had a falling-out
after I switched to another dojo.
11
00:00:26,330 --> 00:00:28,300
Ah,well,sorry, but I'm
not giving anybody money
12
00:00:28,340 --> 00:00:30,260
until there's campaign finance reform.
13
00:00:30,270 --> 00:00:34,640
*************
14
00:00:34,650 --> 00:00:36,800
Oh,and I want you to book
the subway hero onto the show.
15
00:00:36,810 --> 00:00:39,580
- Who?
- The subway hero.
16
00:00:39,590 --> 00:00:41,080
Do you not watch the news?
17
00:00:41,090 --> 00:00:42,990
Food network doesn't have a news show.
18
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:47,510
This guy stepped in front of a train to save
a total stranger had fallen on the tracks.
19
00:00:47,530 --> 00:00:50,090
He pulled him between the rails, and
the train missed their heads by inches.
20
00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:51,850
- Wow,that's amazing.
- I know.
21
00:00:51,860 --> 00:00:56,730
Every show wants a guest appearance by
the subway hero, but we have an advantage.
22
00:00:56,740 --> 00:00:58,440
We do?
23
00:00:58,450 --> 00:01:00,770
For his exceptional courage...
24
00:01:00,780 --> 00:01:06,430
the city of new york bestows the
bronze medallion on dennis duffy.
25
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,060
Thank you,mayor bloomberger.
26
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,950
I accept this honor
on behalf of every--
27
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,110
stern rules!Baba booey!
28
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,800
No,no, no,no,no.
29
00:01:16,820 --> 00:01:17,990
Oh,yes.
30
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:21,320
Dennis duffy,beeper salesman
and your ex-boyfriend.
31
00:01:21,340 --> 00:01:22,980
And dateline predator.
32
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,640
Exonerated dateline predator.
33
00:01:24,650 --> 00:01:26,660
The whole thing was one
big silly misunderstanding.
34
00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:28,200
Like the giuliani campaign.
35
00:01:28,210 --> 00:01:29,950
No way,forget about it.
36
00:01:29,970 --> 00:01:30,920
Lemon,be professional.
37
00:01:30,950 --> 00:01:33,070
We all have to work with
people we hate sometimes.
38
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:36,040
Jonathan,why don't you put
on more of that cologne?
39
00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:38,820
when I say subway,you say hero.
40
00:01:38,830 --> 00:01:41,680
- Subway.
- Hero?
41
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:48,890
-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-
proudly presents
42
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:55,130
-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-
sync:ßÇÈâÈâ
43
00:01:58,870 --> 00:02:00,580
30 Rock
Season02 Episode12
44
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,760
I now declare this store
open for all mankind.
45
00:02:08,220 --> 00:02:09,590
Hey,dummy.
46
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:10,360
Denn
47
00:02:10,370 --> 00:02:11,500
i knew you'd be ck.
48
00:02:11,510 --> 00:02:12,990
Yeah,I'm not back.
49
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,310
Jack sent me because
he wants you on tgs.
50
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:16,800
No way, this is fate.
51
00:02:16,810 --> 00:02:18,930
You swe to me that you
would never see me again,
52
00:02:18,940 --> 00:02:23,470
but this whole,crazy,on-again, off-again,
dennis-liz thin it just can't be stopped.
53
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,070
No,we don't have a crazy thing.
54
00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:29,590
Yeah,we do. We're like ross
and rachel, but just not gay.
55
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,070
Can I borrow those giant scissors?
56
00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:32,570
We always knew this
would happen,didn't we?
57
00:02:32,580 --> 00:02:33,800
I mean, that I would be somebody.
58
00:02:33,810 --> 00:02:37,490
I can't believe it's happening because
of this, and not because of my band.
59
00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:40,700
* I just want to rock *
60
00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:43,900
well,you have had some fame
before. You were on dateline.
61
00:02:44,220 --> 00:02:47,150
I knew you were gonna say
that. And it's so unfair.
62
00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:48,630
I knew that girl was 18.
63
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,910
She told me that her
last boyfriend was asian.
64
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,800
And that crap doesn't
start until college.
65
00:02:53,810 --> 00:02:56,110
So you want to do the show or not?
66
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,550
I don't know. You know.
67
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,900
Getting lots of offers from
news and dancing programs.
68
00:03:02,190 --> 00:03:03,700
But how could I say no to you,right?
69
00:03:03,710 --> 00:03:09,590
I mean, maybe we should just see where this crazy
dennis-liz roller coaster ride takes us, huh?
70
00:03:18,850 --> 00:03:20,650
Jonathan.
71
00:03:20,820 --> 00:03:22,220
Who is this?
72
00:03:22,230 --> 00:03:24,390
Oh,it's bucky bright, sir.
73
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:28,590
He was a major tv star in the
'40s,'50s and the fall of 1972,
74
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:32,260
and he's your republican
celebrity for the mccain dinner.
75
00:03:32,270 --> 00:03:34,470
Uh-huh,good to see you. What
happened to bruce willis?
76
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:35,480
He insists on singing.
77
00:03:35,490 --> 00:03:36,180
Jim belushi?
78
00:03:36,190 --> 00:03:37,370
He insists on singing.
79
00:03:37,380 --> 00:03:39,540
good god. When did the
party become so boring?
80
00:03:39,550 --> 00:03:41,600
The democrats have all
the good celebrities.
81
00:03:41,610 --> 00:03:43,560
mr. Donaghy, this
was delivered to--
82
00:03:43,570 --> 00:03:46,280
son of a married couple, bucky bright!
83
00:03:46,290 --> 00:03:47,720
you know who this is?
84
00:03:47,730 --> 00:03:48,770
Who doesn't?
85
00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:51,240
Most people. But let me
ask you a question, kenneth.
86
00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:54,200
If mr. Bright here told you to
vote republican, would you do it?
87
00:03:54,210 --> 00:03:57,170
Oh,no,sir,I don't vote
republican or democrat.
88
00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:00,250
Choosing is a sin,so I always
just write in the lord's name.
89
00:04:00,260 --> 00:04:02,430
That's republican--
we count those.
90
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:03,970
Well,I don't know whether
you know it or not,
91
00:04:03,990 --> 00:04:08,320
but I used to do the old soft
shoe at all the eisenhower rallies.
92
00:04:08,570 --> 00:04:09,840
One,two...
93
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,670
I'm sorry to have wasted
your time, mr. Bright.
94
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:15,060
Kenneth here will show
you out. Thank you.
95
00:04:20,670 --> 00:04:23,140
Boy,30 rock.
96
00:04:23,150 --> 00:04:25,940
The stories I could
tell about this place.
97
00:04:25,950 --> 00:04:27,800
Eh,nobody wants to listen to me anymore.
98
00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:32,250
Oh,mr. Bright, I would love to
hear about the good old days.
99
00:04:32,260 --> 00:04:33,950
Oh,different back then, I'll tell you.
100
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,820
Yes,sir,boy, they were classy.
101
00:04:35,830 --> 00:04:40,570
Yeah,ah we didn't have any of
those shirts with words on 'em,
102
00:04:40,590 --> 00:04:43,950
or dungarees,or anything
like that,o sirree.
103
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,770
Men came to work, ties and hats.
104
00:04:46,780 --> 00:04:47,970
So elegant.
105
00:04:47,980 --> 00:04:53,200
Well,and you had tailor-made suits and a little
place here for a little carnation in your lapel.
106
00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:58,230
And an inside monogrammed pocket,you know,
for your opium pipe and your switchblade.
107
00:04:59,530 --> 00:05:00,460
I'm sorry--
what now?
108
00:05:00,470 --> 00:05:03,440
Say,why don't you show
me around the old studio?
109
00:05:03,450 --> 00:05:05,590
Okay,okay.
110
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:07,820
These things are so bad for me.
111
00:05:07,830 --> 00:05:11,560
400% of my sodium? I
should not be eating these.
112
00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:16,500
Ladies and gentlemen,I give you the bravest
new yorker since bernie goetz, mr. Dennis duffy.
113
00:05:20,730 --> 00:05:21,740
What's with the trophy?
114
00:05:21,750 --> 00:05:24,090
It's the stanley cup,honey.
It's hockey's ultimate prize.
115
00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:26,910
And me and it,we're teaming
up to fight illiteracy.
116
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,490
Wow,I never would have had the
guts to do what that dude did.
117
00:05:30,510 --> 00:05:31,280
You don't know that.
118
00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:34,420
I do know. I've watched seven
different people die in subway stations.
119
00:05:34,430 --> 00:05:37,150
so,dennis,tell us what it was like in the
moment. What was going through your mind?
120
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:38,750
You know, it was all instinct,jack.
121
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,230
My mind, it was--
it was so clear.
122
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,000
All I could think about was derek jeter.
123
00:05:42,010 --> 00:05:46,010
And it was like check this out,jeter,
you think you're better than me?
124
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,900
So you brought dennis back.
125
00:05:54,910 --> 00:05:56,450
Only 'cause jack made me.
126
00:05:56,460 --> 00:05:59,620
It's just that you said
never again, but here he is.
127
00:05:59,630 --> 00:06:03,310
You said, "I don't know what I see in that
guy," but I was there when you two met.
128
00:06:03,340 --> 00:06:06,130
You do have this weird connection.
129
00:06:06,140 --> 00:06:10,570
Uh,why is this movie called the
hours, when it feels so much longer?
130
00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:13,880
They should call this thing the weeks.
131
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:19,480
The weeks.
132
00:06:19,490 --> 00:06:21,010
Liz,listen to me.
133
00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:23,860
Dennis is like those
off-brand mexican cheetos.
134
00:06:23,870 --> 00:06:25,410
My sabor de soledad?
135
00:06:25,420 --> 00:06:27,660
I only have spanish
delis in my neighborhood.
136
00:06:27,670 --> 00:06:30,830
You know those are bad for you, but
you keep stuffing them in your mouth
137
00:06:30,850 --> 00:06:33,710
because it's easier to do that
than to bother to eat well.
138
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:35,500
That's a weak metaphor.
139
00:06:35,510 --> 00:06:38,880
You deserve a good meal, liz.
140
00:06:38,890 --> 00:06:41,290
Subway hero!
141
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,940
subway hero!
142
00:06:44,430 --> 00:06:45,960
Subway hero!
143
00:06:45,970 --> 00:06:48,240
Tracy. My friend.
144
00:06:48,250 --> 00:06:52,030
Have you ever considered becoming the
celebrity face of the republican party?
145
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,060
What? Hell,no.
146
00:06:55,070 --> 00:06:56,930
Black people supporting republicans?
147
00:06:56,940 --> 00:06:58,700
Does hot support cold?
148
00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:00,330
Does rain support the earth?
149
00:07:00,340 --> 00:07:05,130
Now that misperception is precisely
why the gop needs better celebrities,
150
00:07:05,140 --> 00:07:09,170
and a black celebrity such as yourself
would really make us look good.
151
00:07:09,180 --> 00:07:10,700
Do you like lower taxes?
152
00:07:10,710 --> 00:07:12,290
If I paid taxes, I sure would.
153
00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:13,970
- How about gun ownership?
- Go on.
154
00:07:13,980 --> 00:07:16,110
- States' rights?
- I love states' rights.
155
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:19,780
And let none of us forget the
gop is the party of lincoln.
156
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,360
Lincoln was a republican?
157
00:07:21,370 --> 00:07:25,050
actually, today's republican party
would be unrecognizable to lincoln.
158
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,960
He fought a war to preserve
federal authority over the states.
159
00:07:27,970 --> 00:07:29,590
That's not exactly small government.
160
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:34,580
Dotcom, this need you have to be
the smartest guy in the room is...
161
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:36,300
off-putting.
162
00:07:36,310 --> 00:07:39,520
I guess that's why i'm still single.
163
00:07:40,750 --> 00:07:45,270
Damn. The republican party sounds
pretty attuned to my unique way of life.
164
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,370
But I'd be turning my back
on my people to support it.
165
00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:51,340
You put me in a quandary, jack donaghy.
166
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,280
A quandary.
167
00:07:56,700 --> 00:07:58,690
Back then, we didn't
have pages,you know.
168
00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:00,870
We had what we called "sandwich girls."
169
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,380
Oh,'cause they got you sandwiches?
170
00:08:02,420 --> 00:08:06,010
No,no,no, two guys'd get--
hey,my old dressing room.
171
00:08:06,020 --> 00:08:08,250
You know,that reminds me.
172
00:08:08,260 --> 00:08:10,300
for five bucks I will.
173
00:08:14,180 --> 00:08:15,670
Hey,dummy, I was just
telling these dummies
174
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,320
how we used to go in the park
and make fun of all the joggers.
175
00:08:18,340 --> 00:08:21,740
Oh,yeah,"oh,I'm gonna run in
a circle,so I can live longer."
176
00:08:21,750 --> 00:08:24,400
Hold on a second. Who orders
a salad from a burger joint?
177
00:08:24,410 --> 00:08:26,330
You watching your
figure there, sweetheart?
178
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:28,200
What,are you gearing
up for swimsuit season?
179
00:08:28,210 --> 00:08:29,350
Very funny.
180
00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:31,780
Very funny? How would you know?
181
00:08:33,820 --> 00:08:36,310
We used to call this "the jew room."
182
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,330
oh,here,here's some
lettuce from my burger.
183
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:44,930
Hey,chief, the,uh,the kid's birthday party that
hired the urkel impersonator is down around the hall.
184
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:48,320
- Are you gonna cry?
- Yeah,he's gonna cry.
185
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:53,900
give her some lettuce.
186
00:08:58,270 --> 00:09:00,130
Elizabeth conworthy lemon.
187
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:01,730
Okay,that's not my middle name.
188
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,080
Explain this.
189
00:09:03,090 --> 00:09:06,490
"subway hero dennis duffy
and actress sally field."
190
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:09,450
Entertaining a guest of the show
is called being professional.
191
00:09:09,460 --> 00:09:12,170
It wasn't a date or
whatever-- I paid for dinner.
192
00:09:12,180 --> 00:09:14,410
You always paid for dennis.
193
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:16,380
He can't get credit cards, jenna,
194
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:20,030
because his cousin teddy used dennis'
social to get a cell phone that
195
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:23,970
teddy then couldn't pay for because this
indian guy that he was working for...
196
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:27,290
you know what,I don't have
to explain myself to you.
197
00:09:28,490 --> 00:09:31,000
oh,sir. You're back.
198
00:09:31,010 --> 00:09:33,130
Well,I never left, actually.
199
00:09:33,150 --> 00:09:35,760
I just wandered around
the building all night.
200
00:09:35,770 --> 00:09:39,040
I didn't run into another
single living soul,
201
00:09:39,050 --> 00:09:43,370
except one gigantic lesbian.
202
00:09:43,380 --> 00:09:48,000
Who is conan o'brien,
and why is she so sad?
203
00:10:09,340 --> 00:10:11,780
What is this place?
204
00:10:11,790 --> 00:10:14,570
It's purgatory,tracy.
205
00:10:14,590 --> 00:10:17,270
Richard nixon?
206
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:18,950
I can't believe i'm dead.
207
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,490
There was still so much
left on my bucket lis
208
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:26,030
so many different kind of
buckets I wanted to own. Buckets.
209
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,490
It's never too late, tracy.
210
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:30,420
You can't die now, your party needs you.
211
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:33,500
We've lost some prestige because
of the bush administration.
212
00:10:33,510 --> 00:10:34,940
And watergate.
213
00:10:35,290 --> 00:10:38,730
I'm trying to keep that
on the dl around here.
214
00:10:38,740 --> 00:10:41,180
Look,I know you're worried about this,
215
00:10:41,190 --> 00:10:45,230
but there's a long history of black
entertainers supporting the gop.
216
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,330
Just ask my old friend, sammy davis jr.
217
00:10:48,340 --> 00:10:50,950
Oh,sam. Sammy.
218
00:10:51,170 --> 00:10:56,430
*******
219
00:10:57,850 --> 00:10:59,370
You were a republican?
220
00:10:59,380 --> 00:11:00,430
he sure was.
221
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:04,120
Black,jewish,one eye, a white wife.
222
00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:06,520
It was a big tent back then,tracy.
223
00:11:06,530 --> 00:11:08,250
Help us...
224
00:11:08,260 --> 00:11:11,590
to make it a big tent once again.
225
00:11:14,070 --> 00:11:16,340
I got a mission.
226
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,270
- Dennis.
- Yeah,jack.
227
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,300
What are your politics?
228
00:11:19,310 --> 00:11:21,500
Social conservative, fiscal liberal.
229
00:11:21,510 --> 00:11:24,600
You see the gop is trying to
raise its celebrity profile.
230
00:11:24,610 --> 00:11:27,680
And we would love it, if the
subway hero could help us out.
231
00:11:27,690 --> 00:11:29,140
Ah,no can do,pally.
232
00:11:29,150 --> 00:11:31,570
I can't help mccain. He's a navy man.
233
00:11:31,580 --> 00:11:34,240
I almost joined the marines once.
234
00:11:34,250 --> 00:11:35,890
All right,fine, I admit it.
235
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:38,350
Dinner with dennis last night was fun.
236
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,000
Oh,god,liz.
237
00:11:40,010 --> 00:11:44,120
What,I don't like a lot of people,jenna,
but that dumb creep makes me laugh.
238
00:11:44,130 --> 00:11:45,350
But you know better.
239
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,800
Do I? I might be an idiot.
240
00:11:47,810 --> 00:11:51,070
I know I'm supposed to make myself
nice meals, instead of eating junk.
241
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:52,720
Do you know what I use my oven for?
242
00:11:52,730 --> 00:11:54,270
Warming your jeans in the morning?
243
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,070
That'sight, and it feels good.
244
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,380
You know what that subway
thing taught me,jack?
245
00:11:57,390 --> 00:11:59,810
It taught me to follow my instincts
more. That's how you get ahead.
246
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:02,220
You must know what I'm
talking about--you smell rich.
247
00:12:02,230 --> 00:12:03,070
Thank you.
248
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,850
My cologne is distilled from the
bilge water of rupert murdoch's yacht.
249
00:12:05,860 --> 00:12:08,570
My point is,jack, you've got to be a
man of action in this world, you know--
250
00:12:08,580 --> 00:12:09,690
you can't overthink stuff.
251
00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:10,620
I agree.
252
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:13,060
Not thinking is what
makes america great.
253
00:12:13,070 --> 00:12:14,590
That wardrobe is wack.
254
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,150
I want a leather jacket with a
glow-in-the-dark skeleton t-shirt
255
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:19,760
and a porkpie hat for my
head,all right. Pronto.
256
00:12:19,770 --> 00:12:22,270
This photo shoot's gotta be phenomenal.
257
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,460
You seem like a man who
knows exactly what he wants.
258
00:12:24,470 --> 00:12:26,170
Yeah,I do.
259
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:29,660
lemon? Good luck with that, dennis.
260
00:12:29,670 --> 00:12:32,190
No luck needed, jack. She
bought me dinner last night.
261
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,400
- Really?
- Yeah,I'm in.
262
00:12:34,410 --> 00:12:36,740
And when I grab on, I do not let go.
263
00:12:36,750 --> 00:12:40,040
Like a killer whale going nuts
on his trainer at sea world.
264
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:41,850
Everything in my life is work.
265
00:12:41,860 --> 00:12:43,000
But not dennis duffy.
266
00:12:43,010 --> 00:12:44,980
I don't have to shave,
I don't have to bathe,
267
00:12:44,990 --> 00:12:47,230
I don't have to be
clever or nice,you know.
268
00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:48,550
I can just be myself.
269
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,970
- Isn't that what love really is?
- No.
270
00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:55,290
Love is hiding who you really are at
all times, even when you're sleeping.
271
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:59,270
Love is wearing makeup to bed and going
downstairs to the burger king to poop,
272
00:12:59,290 --> 00:13:02,500
and hiding alcohol in
perfume bottles. That's love.
273
00:13:02,510 --> 00:13:04,570
Uh,it just sounds hard.
274
00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:06,380
Being with dennis is easy.
275
00:13:06,390 --> 00:13:10,190
If you give into it,you just start
to feel kind of numb and warm,
276
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,970
and then you just get
sleepy.That's not that bad.
277
00:13:12,980 --> 00:13:16,850
That's exactly what they say it's
like when you freeze to death.
278
00:13:17,540 --> 00:13:19,260
Blurgh.
279
00:13:20,980 --> 00:13:24,210
Oh,whoa,whoa, look at,there I am.
280
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,810
Oh,is that really you?
281
00:13:25,820 --> 00:13:29,970
Yeah,me and the boys. Yeah. Boy.
282
00:13:29,980 --> 00:13:32,250
Men were men back then, I'll tell you.
283
00:13:32,260 --> 00:13:36,560
You wanted to do something private
with another man, it wasn't gay.
284
00:13:36,570 --> 00:13:42,650
No,it was just two men
celebrating each other's strength.
285
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:50,750
I'm in. Jacky D.
286
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:53,210
Nixon's ghost convinced
my ghost to help the gop.
287
00:13:53,230 --> 00:13:56,580
God bless that wiretapping
bastard,this is great.
288
00:13:56,590 --> 00:13:59,150
We've got to shoot a couple commercials
right away. The mccain dinner is saturday.
289
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,620
Sounds good, but I can't talk now.
290
00:14:00,630 --> 00:14:03,510
- I gotta get my wallet out of the toaster.
- Okay.
291
00:14:06,530 --> 00:14:07,330
Yeah,you like that?
292
00:14:07,350 --> 00:14:09,720
Maybe a couple photos where
you don't give the thumbs-up.
293
00:14:09,730 --> 00:14:10,880
Nah,it's my thing,dummy.
294
00:14:10,890 --> 00:14:13,230
You know what? Doesn't matter.
Just getting through the week.
295
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,130
You know,it's all
really happening for me.
296
00:14:15,140 --> 00:14:18,800
My people, my city, my woman, huh?
297
00:14:18,810 --> 00:14:21,920
I tell you,everything is starting to go my
way,liz, 'cause I'm a man of action, yeah.
298
00:14:21,940 --> 00:14:25,600
I gotta stop overthinking
everything like I used to.
299
00:14:25,620 --> 00:14:28,050
That was never your problem.
300
00:14:29,650 --> 00:14:30,870
Elizabeth
sarah lemon--
301
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,040
that's not my middle name.
302
00:14:33,050 --> 00:14:35,940
- Will you marry me?
- Oh,god.
303
00:14:45,340 --> 00:14:48,160
wake up,dummy. Hey,space
cadet. Right here--
304
00:14:48,170 --> 00:14:49,260
will you marry me or what?
305
00:14:49,270 --> 00:14:51,850
No,no way.
306
00:14:51,860 --> 00:14:55,300
You don't know this guy. He
is not the man you think he is.
307
00:14:55,310 --> 00:14:57,050
Hey,what is your problem,liz?
308
00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:58,790
I could get any girl here i want.
309
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:02,020
And not just the fatties
and the butterfaces.
310
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,840
Shut up,crowd. I command you
as the subway hero-- shut up.
311
00:15:06,850 --> 00:15:08,910
Unbelievable,liz. Hey,you
know, I don't need this.
312
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,400
You know a stripper offered to
give me a squeezer last night.
313
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:12,370
A white stripper.
314
00:15:12,380 --> 00:15:14,360
Uh,thank god i didn't fall for this.
315
00:15:14,370 --> 00:15:17,930
You are not a hero, you're a loser.
And you will always be a loser.
316
00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:18,790
Oh,I'm the loser.
317
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:22,070
I guess I'm the one who totally missed
catching the puck at that islanders game--
318
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,750
- you suck.
- No,you suck.
319
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,300
And so do all new
york-based sports teams.
320
00:15:26,310 --> 00:15:29,220
Liz,don't say anything
you can't take back.
321
00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:34,990
My fellow
blackmericans-- hey,jack.
322
00:15:35,340 --> 00:15:39,330
Can I just say black americans?
There's no such thing as blackmericans.
323
00:15:39,340 --> 00:15:42,910
That's great, that's why you're here.
324
00:15:43,190 --> 00:15:47,130
My fellow black americans,
dr. King once had a dream,
325
00:15:47,140 --> 00:15:52,470
a dream that we all share: To build a
200 foot high wall to keep mexico out.
326
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,430
And he also hated the estate tax.
327
00:15:56,490 --> 00:15:58,800
unbelievable.
328
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,640
- Jack,I don't know about this.
- What's wrong?
329
00:16:05,650 --> 00:16:11,010
I get it. The republican party means less
taxes,more guns, and the end of the gun tax.
330
00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:11,680
Go on.
331
00:16:11,690 --> 00:16:15,230
But everybody isn't
forward-thinking like I am.
332
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:20,020
No matter what,blackmericans
are gonna always vote democrat.
333
00:16:20,030 --> 00:16:22,110
They will, won't they?
334
00:16:23,270 --> 00:16:25,450
Unless...
335
00:16:25,460 --> 00:16:29,280
black people, don't
vote. Just don't do it.
336
00:16:29,290 --> 00:16:33,230
In the amount of time it'd take for you to
vote, you could play three games of pool.
337
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,680
Three. And that's fresh.
338
00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:38,760
I'm tracy jordan, and
I improve this message.
339
00:16:38,770 --> 00:16:42,250
paid by the committee
to reinvade vietnam.
340
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:44,840
Sure feels good to make
a difference,doesn't it?
341
00:16:44,850 --> 00:16:46,160
Yes,it does.
342
00:16:46,180 --> 00:16:52,460
Now if you'll excuse me, nixon asked me to
take some stuff out of his wikipedia page.
343
00:16:55,190 --> 00:16:57,540
Hey,jack,I'm sorry,this
dennis thing is not gonna work.
344
00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:59,480
I can't even be in the
same room as that idiot.
345
00:16:59,490 --> 00:17:01,390
Save it for your I-village blog, lemon.
346
00:17:01,410 --> 00:17:03,670
Dennis is off the show.
I booked the 911 bird.
347
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,580
Winston dialed 911 with
his beak and said fire,
348
00:17:06,590 --> 00:17:08,370
but only because he didn't
know the word for rape.
349
00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:11,330
Well,that's fine with me, but we've
been promoting the subway hero.
350
00:17:11,340 --> 00:17:12,860
The subway hero's 15 minutes are up.
351
00:17:12,870 --> 00:17:14,930
Now if you could let him
know that,that would be great.
352
00:17:14,940 --> 00:17:17,880
Hey,you're not bumping
dennis for my benefit,are you?
353
00:17:17,890 --> 00:17:19,160
Well,of course I am.
354
00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:21,470
I base all my business
decisions on your needs.
355
00:17:21,490 --> 00:17:24,540
That's why G.E.'S going to be
introducing the pocket deep fryer.
356
00:17:24,550 --> 00:17:27,160
That would sell, by the way.
357
00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:33,870
Well,when we sobered up, we
realized we'd eaten the peacock
358
00:17:33,890 --> 00:17:37,470
and we put the ham in
pat weaver's office.
359
00:17:37,970 --> 00:17:39,250
Mr. Bright.
360
00:17:39,890 --> 00:17:44,000
With all due respect, I
can't listen to this anymore.
361
00:17:44,010 --> 00:17:47,860
I love television,sir,
and you are ruining it.
362
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,320
I love television too.
363
00:17:49,330 --> 00:17:50,670
But I wanna tell you something.
364
00:17:50,710 --> 00:17:54,340
If you're gonna make something beautiful,
you gotta make a mess of it first.
365
00:17:54,350 --> 00:17:56,810
I don't care whether you're
making an omelet, a baby,
366
00:17:56,820 --> 00:18:00,960
or a television show,
things are gonna get weird.
367
00:18:00,970 --> 00:18:05,420
Well,I'm afraid the biz
has changed since your time.
368
00:18:05,430 --> 00:18:09,340
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to chinatown
to pick up some human growth hormones
369
00:18:09,350 --> 00:18:13,320
so that mr. Jordan's tigers don't
realize that he's aging, and...
370
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:17,060
oh my...
371
00:18:17,070 --> 00:18:19,020
there's your weird.
372
00:18:19,030 --> 00:18:21,610
- A bird?
- Dennis, I'm very sorry.
373
00:18:21,620 --> 00:18:23,110
Oh,really? Why?
374
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:26,370
It seems like all that stuff
you said came true. I am a loser.
375
00:18:26,380 --> 00:18:27,960
My mall appearance got canceled.
376
00:18:27,980 --> 00:18:31,810
The mighty ducks are mad at me because
I left the stanley cup on a water taxi.
377
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:35,930
You know, I thought I'd done
something good enough to get you back.
378
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,850
I can only imagine the classic
song I'm gonna write after this.
379
00:18:44,730 --> 00:18:47,620
Well,that is a very disturbing story.
380
00:18:47,630 --> 00:18:49,100
Aw,you're just saying that.
381
00:18:49,110 --> 00:18:52,500
No,no,no,no,you've seen
some stuff,I'll tell ya.
382
00:18:52,510 --> 00:18:55,460
Oh,well this one's dating
a dateline predator.
383
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,470
Exonerated. And we're not dating.
384
00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,500
You don't know what you're
talking about,kenneth.
385
00:18:59,510 --> 00:19:03,110
Boy,that's one mouthy
sandwich girl,isn't it?
386
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:16,920
It was on a subway
platform just like this.
387
00:19:16,930 --> 00:19:19,780
On a night just like this.
388
00:19:19,790 --> 00:19:22,200
It's still daytime. And we're inside.
389
00:19:22,210 --> 00:19:24,440
You know what the worst thing about
this whole hero thing has been?
390
00:19:24,450 --> 00:19:27,960
Is that I got a chance to see what
my life could have really been like.
391
00:19:27,970 --> 00:19:29,920
You know,if like the beeper
business had taken off,
392
00:19:29,940 --> 00:19:31,730
or I hadn't failed the firefighter exam.
393
00:19:31,740 --> 00:19:33,320
You failed the firefighter exam?
394
00:19:33,330 --> 00:19:36,230
Yeah,it's totally biased
against the irish,you know.
395
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,280
You know,liz, being
with you and being a hero
396
00:19:40,290 --> 00:19:43,230
are the two greatest things
that's ever happened to me.
397
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:48,460
And I just,uh, I just
wish i could get it back.
398
00:19:52,290 --> 00:19:54,050
you're gonna be fine.
399
00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:59,870
If reality tv has taught us anything, it's
that you can't keep people with no shame down.
400
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:05,380
I really believe that you are gonna
do something else great in your life.
401
00:20:09,820 --> 00:20:12,450
- Dennis,don't you dare.
- Liz,work with me now.Just go limp.
402
00:20:12,460 --> 00:20:13,840
- It'll be phenomenal, liz,come on.
- *******
403
00:20:13,850 --> 00:20:16,510
- Come on,no,no,no,no.
- No,I don't want to.
404
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:19,890
Ah,damn,it's the wrong
track. It's stupid express.
405
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:21,690
- You thought it was this track too,didn't you?
- Jackass.
406
00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:23,640
What,come on. It was just a goof.
407
00:20:23,650 --> 00:20:25,640
Never again. Never!
408
00:20:25,650 --> 00:20:28,700
You'll be back, liz
lemon. You'll be back.
409
00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:32,420
you'll be back,dummy.
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00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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