1
00:00:05,630 --> 00:00:08,020
Merry almost Christmas, everybody.
2
00:00:08,030 --> 00:00:10,970
I have some great news.
We are all getting--
3
00:00:10,980 --> 00:00:12,710
- Frozen steaks.
- Ipod nothings?
4
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,260
- Colorful sweaters?
- Nope, better.
5
00:00:15,270 --> 00:00:21,340
We are getting to participate in a
charity program called "Letters to Santa."
6
00:00:21,940 --> 00:00:22,990
No, this is great.
7
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,160
The post office collects letters
that poor kids write to Santa,
8
00:00:26,190 --> 00:00:28,560
and then we go and buy them
what they ask for.
9
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:31,260
Look, we already did our
Christmas charity work.
10
00:00:31,290 --> 00:00:34,990
Everybody here chipped
in to get Sue a bra.
11
00:00:35,610 --> 00:00:37,370
- That's much better.
- Sweet!
12
00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:39,470
Come on, nobody but me is gonna do this?
13
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:44,250
Well, I, for one, think it's a great idea,
because Christmas is a time of giving.
14
00:00:44,270 --> 00:00:45,150
Are you drunk?
15
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,000
On the spirit of Christmas.
16
00:00:47,010 --> 00:00:49,700
It's this cheap,
high-proof brandy I found.
17
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,590
I hope it's not seasonal.
18
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,140
I'll take one, ms. Lemon.
19
00:00:53,180 --> 00:00:55,100
I love helping people
less fortute than me.
20
00:00:55,110 --> 00:00:56,250
Where do you find them?
21
00:00:56,270 --> 00:00:58,500
There are these Nigerians
on the internet that help me.
22
00:00:58,510 --> 00:01:02,840
Listen to this: "Dear Santa,
my name is Chanel Jenkins.
23
00:01:02,850 --> 00:01:07,310
"I would like some new shoes
so I can walk to school.
24
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:10,790
My dream is to be a
doctor some day--"
25
00:01:11,390 --> 00:01:14,120
That kid's never gonna be a doctor.
26
00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:16,710
Better buy it a jet ski.
27
00:01:17,060 --> 00:01:20,970
- This is what the holidays are all about.
- Okay.
28
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:24,230
Merry Christmas, everyone.
29
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:27,210
Hello?
30
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:28,500
I'm free, Lemon.
31
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,250
Where are you? I hear sunshine.
32
00:01:30,260 --> 00:01:33,400
I ducked down to Florida for
a surprise early Christmas.
33
00:01:33,410 --> 00:01:35,660
I showed up three days early,
showered my mom with gifts.
34
00:01:35,670 --> 00:01:38,130
She called them all "adequate."
It's a Christmas miracle.
35
00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:41,080
Well, I'm glad to hear it went well.
Tell Colleen I said hi.
36
00:01:41,090 --> 00:01:43,580
I wish I could, but she's
out for her morning walk.
37
00:01:43,590 --> 00:01:45,220
And I'm off to have a real Christmas.
38
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:48,850
Fly to Rio, tan in the nude.
39
00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:50,390
Bet on some monkey wrestling.
40
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,820
Just like Norman Rockwell
always drew it.
41
00:01:52,830 --> 00:01:53,850
Well, have a good flight.
42
00:01:53,860 --> 00:01:56,400
I could fly there without a plane.
43
00:02:08,540 --> 00:02:09,590
Mother.
44
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:17,550
-=http://sfile.ydy.com=-
proudly presents
45
00:02:18,130 --> 00:02:26,230
-=http://sfile.ydy.com=-
sync:ßÇÈâÈâ
46
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:31,360
30 Rock Season03
Episode06 Christmas Special
47
00:02:31,740 --> 00:02:35,640
Hey, Toofer, can I buy a kid fubu?
Is that a swear word?
48
00:02:35,650 --> 00:02:39,040
Okay, while fubu is not itself profane,
49
00:02:39,050 --> 00:02:41,050
I do think that--
- Thank you.
50
00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:43,340
Lemon.
51
00:02:43,350 --> 00:02:45,290
What are you doing here?
Why aren't you in Rio?
52
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:49,540
I hit her. Colleen.
I hit her with my car.
53
00:02:49,550 --> 00:02:51,610
What? Oh, my God. Is she--
54
00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:53,690
She's fine. She's better than fine.
55
00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:56,920
They're giving her a titanium hip.
Like the Terminator.
56
00:02:56,930 --> 00:02:58,880
It's only gonna make her more powerful.
57
00:02:58,890 --> 00:02:59,900
Well, are you okay?
58
00:02:59,910 --> 00:03:03,830
How can I be?
She's here, now, in my home.
59
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:07,300
Some quack doctor strongly
recommended she be around family.
60
00:03:07,310 --> 00:03:10,130
Oh-ho-ho, and Colleen
didn't miss that one.
61
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:14,390
Yes, mother?
62
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:18,940
Well, why don't you try taking one of the
many blankets off you if you're feeling hot?
63
00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:22,480
Yes, I know. It is hard. Life is hard.
64
00:03:22,490 --> 00:03:25,540
No, I wasn't.
I was just scratching my head.
65
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,300
If you need something,
just call down to the doorman.
66
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,080
Yes, he does speak English, mother.
67
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,600
Jamaican people speak Eng--
68
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,070
She hung up.
69
00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:38,750
I had to cancel my trip,
there's nothing going on at work,
70
00:03:38,770 --> 00:03:40,970
everyone I know is
away for the holidays.
71
00:03:40,980 --> 00:03:45,720
It's just me and
Colleen, all alone. Lemon...
72
00:03:45,730 --> 00:03:50,510
One of her suitcases was just wigs.
73
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:53,840
Look, I'm not doing my usual
thing either this year.
74
00:03:53,850 --> 00:03:56,450
Do you want me to come by later
and say hi to your mom?
75
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:57,640
Would you please?
76
00:03:57,650 --> 00:03:59,870
Yeah, sure. I'll entertain her.
77
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:05,150
You know, I was just thinking in the shower
this morning, what if Saint Nick was Nic Cage?
78
00:04:05,170 --> 00:04:07,800
'Cause it might go a
little something like this--
79
00:04:07,810 --> 00:04:11,740
Toofer! Toofer, my man. How's tricks?
80
00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:14,260
Ho ho ho!
81
00:04:14,270 --> 00:04:16,910
No, that sounds more like Joan Rivers.
82
00:04:20,930 --> 00:04:22,840
Hey, are you almost done?
We need to get out of here...
83
00:04:22,850 --> 00:04:25,080
before someone recognizes me.
84
00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:28,730
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just have to get
stocking stuffers. And stockings.
85
00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:31,600
Wait, what is all of this?
You have video games in here.
86
00:04:31,610 --> 00:04:33,200
And sports equipment. A TV?
87
00:04:33,210 --> 00:04:35,760
Well, I just want to make
sure that DeShante, age nine,
88
00:04:35,790 --> 00:04:38,400
and Marcus, age five, have
a wonderful Christmas.
89
00:04:38,420 --> 00:04:40,450
Are you really gonna wrap
all of these presents?
90
00:04:40,490 --> 00:04:44,120
Of course I'm gonna wrap them,
because that's what you do on Christmas.
91
00:04:44,130 --> 00:04:48,020
What you don't do is call
your daughter on December 22,
92
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,200
and tell her that you don't really
feel up to hosting Christmas this year,
93
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:56,320
because she's 38, and you thought that
she'd have "her own family by now."
94
00:04:56,340 --> 00:04:59,410
And that instead, you're going to
a couples-only retreat in Arizona,
95
00:04:59,430 --> 00:05:01,970
the theme of which is "sexy at 70."
96
00:05:01,980 --> 00:05:03,120
Oh, no.
97
00:05:03,150 --> 00:05:05,880
Liz, you've never missed
Christmas with your family.
98
00:05:05,910 --> 00:05:07,080
I know.
99
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:09,390
But I have a new family, the Glovers.
100
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,990
And I am gonna get them
all these rapping Santas.
101
00:05:16,230 --> 00:05:20,000
Oh, well, I kind of assumed they would rap,
which is racist on my part.
102
00:05:20,010 --> 00:05:23,740
But still, best Christmas ever.
You're welcome, Glovers.
103
00:05:29,260 --> 00:05:32,480
Mother, what is so urgent that you could not
wait until I came back from the front door?
104
00:05:32,490 --> 00:05:34,590
I need my other bell.
105
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:38,520
We agreed, one by the bed,
and one by the toilet.
106
00:05:39,090 --> 00:05:40,620
Hello.
107
00:05:40,630 --> 00:05:42,760
Oh, Liz.
108
00:05:42,770 --> 00:05:44,120
Hello there.
109
00:05:44,130 --> 00:05:46,460
So good of you to come see me.
110
00:05:46,470 --> 00:05:48,330
Merry Christmas, Mrs. Donaghy.
111
00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:50,940
Oh, Liz, I'm so glad you're here.
112
00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:54,250
I want you to know, and believe,
113
00:05:54,260 --> 00:05:58,360
that what happened to me
in Florida was an accident.
114
00:05:58,380 --> 00:06:02,220
My son Jackie did not
run me over on purpose.
115
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,690
Case closed.
116
00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:06,560
And I don't want to hear
another word about it.
117
00:06:06,570 --> 00:06:08,060
Mother, of course it was an accident.
118
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,560
No one is saying otherwise.
119
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:13,700
The real tragedy is that
the accident broke, of course,
120
00:06:13,730 --> 00:06:18,020
the Cartier watch that Jackie gave
me early this year for Christmas.
121
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:19,070
Ho, ho, ho.
122
00:06:19,090 --> 00:06:21,700
It's not Cartier. It's Chopard.
123
00:06:21,710 --> 00:06:23,860
Yes, of course. Chopard.
124
00:06:23,870 --> 00:06:27,360
Not the Cartier watch that I wanted.
125
00:06:27,370 --> 00:06:30,810
Uh, Liz, uh, could I speak
with you for a second, please?
126
00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:34,120
I can't do this.
127
00:06:34,130 --> 00:06:36,540
I know, it's stressful.
The holidays are always stressful.
128
00:06:36,550 --> 00:06:37,310
It's not just that.
129
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,280
Well, your mother's hurt,
and you love her.
130
00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:41,300
Do I? Do I, Lemon?
131
00:06:41,310 --> 00:06:43,470
- I waited eight minutes.
- What?
132
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:47,510
After I hit her, before I called 911,
I sat in my car for eight minutes.
133
00:06:52,990 --> 00:06:54,400
What kind of son does
that to his mother?
134
00:06:54,410 --> 00:06:58,010
Jack, you were in shock.
You froze. It happens.
135
00:06:58,020 --> 00:07:02,070
It was an accident.
It was an accident, right?
136
00:07:03,270 --> 00:07:06,900
What are you two girls whispering about?
137
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:11,410
What are you all still doing here?
138
00:07:11,420 --> 00:07:14,560
Lutz looked it up, and if we stay
until noon, it counts as a work week.
139
00:07:14,570 --> 00:07:17,060
And NBC has to pay for
our cabs to the airport.
140
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:20,200
Tracey, you made $300 million this year.
141
00:07:20,210 --> 00:07:23,910
And I'm not going
anywhere for Christmas.
142
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,270
Miss Lemon, you really outdid yourself.
143
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:30,240
Those are gonna be the happiest poor kids
since my brother and I went to Neverland Ranch.
144
00:07:30,270 --> 00:07:33,640
She went overboard because her family
is not exchanging gifts this year.
145
00:07:33,660 --> 00:07:36,650
Holy Buddha, who likes Christmas?
146
00:07:36,660 --> 00:07:38,220
It's gonna cost you a
fortune to ship all of this.
147
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,930
Oh, no, I'm taking it up there personally.
148
00:07:39,940 --> 00:07:43,730
I wanna see DeShante and Marcus's
faces light up when they get it.
149
00:07:43,740 --> 00:07:49,130
Anyway, I gotta take this up to
245th Street and Lawrence Taylor Boulevard.
150
00:07:49,150 --> 00:07:52,610
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
151
00:07:52,630 --> 00:07:54,980
I will not let you go into that neighborhood
152
00:07:54,990 --> 00:07:57,710
- in the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo.
- Kwanzaa.
153
00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:00,700
And Shalam-Shizzam
to you too, my sister.
154
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,070
We'll go with you uptown.
155
00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:06,940
And remember, Dotcom, you are there
to protect me, and not Liz Lemon.
156
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:12,620
Guys, we are out of
here in 5, 4... 3, 2--
157
00:08:12,630 --> 00:08:14,470
Exciting news, everyone.
158
00:08:14,490 --> 00:08:19,850
We are going to put on a live
Christmas Eve special this year.
159
00:08:20,230 --> 00:08:22,300
This year as in "tomorrow this year"?
160
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:23,120
Yes, that's right.
161
00:08:23,130 --> 00:08:26,560
Sadly, it will mean working a lot
of hours over the next couple of days,
162
00:08:26,570 --> 00:08:29,990
being away from our
loved ones. Our mothers.
163
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:33,730
But we will be part of giving
America the perfect Christmas Eve.
164
00:08:33,740 --> 00:08:37,640
It's going to be so worth it.
Now, brainstorming session.
165
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:39,090
Go!
166
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:42,010
I don't want to do this.
167
00:08:42,650 --> 00:08:46,620
Mr. Donaghy, as leader of this group,
I have to put my foot down.
168
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,970
Christmas is a sacred time
for me and my surrogate family.
169
00:08:49,990 --> 00:08:53,670
So if you are willing to look four
25-year-old gay guys in the eyes
170
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:58,310
and tell them that we're not going to see
New Kids On The Block at the Borgata, be my guest.
171
00:08:58,340 --> 00:09:01,330
You are all contractually
obligated to participate.
172
00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:04,270
Yes, sir. I never liked
that group. sorry.
173
00:09:05,410 --> 00:09:06,970
Jack, this isn't fair.
174
00:09:06,990 --> 00:09:09,230
Don't take your mommy issues out on us.
175
00:09:09,250 --> 00:09:11,280
I'm sorry, Lemon, I'm just
trying to get through Christmas.
176
00:09:11,290 --> 00:09:12,180
And then what?
177
00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:13,690
I found a nursing home
off the coast of Maine
178
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,530
run by the same French company
that oversaw Napoleon's exile.
179
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,710
She will be treated humanely,
but there will be no escape.
180
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,850
Merry Christmas.
181
00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:30,880
Thank you so much for carrying that.
182
00:09:30,910 --> 00:09:32,610
I will buy you guys dinner later.
183
00:09:32,620 --> 00:09:35,690
Liz, we both have girlfriends.
184
00:09:36,590 --> 00:09:38,990
This is it. 4D.
185
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,980
Tracey, I am gonna need
you to take a picture.
186
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,820
you just push the little button on top.
187
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:47,160
Thanks a lot.
I never operated a camera before.
188
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,630
I'm serious. That was very helpful.
189
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,750
Oh, okay. Make sure you get the hug.
190
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,960
Oh, hi.
191
00:09:56,990 --> 00:10:01,170
I brought these presents as part
of the Letters to Santa program.
192
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:02,680
What just happened?
193
00:10:02,690 --> 00:10:04,610
What's the past tense for "scam"?
194
00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:05,710
Is it "scrumped"?
195
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:08,620
Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrumped.
196
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:12,320
Donaghy wants a Santa costume
and a Mrs. Claus.
197
00:10:12,330 --> 00:10:13,830
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
198
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:19,170
Jingle bell all the way
in a one-horse open sleigh
199
00:10:19,180 --> 00:10:22,020
No. Alfonso, I'm on the
six, you're on the four.
200
00:10:22,030 --> 00:10:24,600
Come on, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
201
00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:31,050
Ah, my little elves at work.
Looking good, gang. Looking good.
202
00:10:34,290 --> 00:10:36,580
You do realize we're going
into quadruple overtime.
203
00:10:36,590 --> 00:10:37,770
So what?
204
00:10:37,780 --> 00:10:40,070
We're giving America the
perfect Christmas, Pete.
205
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,580
There are some kids out
there who never get that.
206
00:10:42,590 --> 00:10:44,410
I know I didn't.
207
00:10:44,730 --> 00:10:46,690
Not with Colleen around.
208
00:10:46,710 --> 00:10:48,110
My dad was long gone.
209
00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:52,090
So every Christmas, Colleen would bring
her friend Mr. Schwartz over for dinner,
210
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,760
and she's make me play songs on the
piano, and she would sing to him.
211
00:10:54,770 --> 00:10:56,120
My parents divorced
when I was nine--
212
00:10:56,130 --> 00:10:57,700
and every year, the
dreadful moment arrived,
213
00:10:57,710 --> 00:11:00,940
when I would catch Mr. Schwartz
caressing my mother's bony thigh.
214
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,510
And I'd say "eyes on the keys, Jackie
boy, keep your eyes on the keys."
215
00:11:04,530 --> 00:11:05,860
And they'd ask me to
play White Christmas,
216
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,830
and it would turn into some
boozy burlesque travesty.
217
00:11:09,850 --> 00:11:12,430
Every time I hear that
song, I get aroused.
218
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,130
What is wrong with me?
219
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,980
I have to... go to the prop meeting now.
220
00:11:16,990 --> 00:11:19,860
She's the reason. She's why it happened.
221
00:11:20,650 --> 00:11:23,030
So the overtime?
222
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,210
Approved, yeah.
223
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,500
It's Christmas.
224
00:11:29,750 --> 00:11:31,890
- Next.
- Yes, finally.
225
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:36,190
Hi, I would like to speak to
whoever screens the Letters to Santa.
226
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,470
Then you better talk to that box.
227
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,920
Uh, maybe you could help me, Trene.
228
00:11:40,930 --> 00:11:42,820
- Irene.
- Irene.
229
00:11:42,830 --> 00:11:47,330
I believe that I was the victim of a scam
perpetrated through the mails, so--
230
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:48,510
There's nothing we can do about that.
231
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,410
I disagree. I think there are
a lot of things we could do.
232
00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:54,810
I would like to access any census
information you have for this address.
233
00:11:54,820 --> 00:11:55,400
No.
234
00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:57,750
In addition, I would like to
speak to the letter carrier...
235
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,130
You know we're closing
in five minutes, right?
236
00:11:59,140 --> 00:12:03,360
- Who services this ZIP-plus-four.
- Never gonna happen.
237
00:12:03,370 --> 00:12:05,070
Can you help me out with her?
238
00:12:05,090 --> 00:12:06,540
Oh, really?
239
00:12:06,550 --> 00:12:09,560
We're both black,
so we must know each other?
240
00:12:09,570 --> 00:12:12,060
- Hey, Irene!
- Hey, Tracey.
241
00:12:12,070 --> 00:12:15,020
- Did Vicky hook you up with this job?
- Yeah.
242
00:12:15,030 --> 00:12:17,250
Girl, you better stop.
243
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,140
Hey, you don't know
the Postmaster General, do you?
244
00:12:20,150 --> 00:12:23,140
I do, but we had a falling out
over the Jerry Garcia stamp.
245
00:12:23,180 --> 00:12:26,740
I mean, if I want to lick a hippie,
I would just return Joan Baez's phone calls.
246
00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:29,080
Are you wearing the same
clothes as yesterday?
247
00:12:29,110 --> 00:12:30,740
I have no choice. I can't go home.
248
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,600
Oh, come on. You can go home.
249
00:12:32,610 --> 00:12:37,770
No, I can't. Last night,
we had... an incident.
250
00:12:38,710 --> 00:12:41,190
Jackie, sweetheart.
251
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:45,350
Can you get this heavy wool
blanket out from underneath me?
252
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,730
I'm sweating like a grape picker.
253
00:12:49,140 --> 00:12:53,820
Come on, put me back
into it... Jacqueline.
254
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,250
My other hip!
255
00:12:57,270 --> 00:12:59,870
I think it was subconscious.
I've had enough.
256
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,360
50 years of criticism and
feelings of inadequacy.
257
00:13:02,380 --> 00:13:04,710
50 ruined Christmases.
I want to be free.
258
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:05,650
What are you saying?
259
00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:07,060
I can't be alone with her.
260
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,920
You see, Lemon, my mother is like a virus,
and my body is trying to get rid of her.
261
00:13:09,950 --> 00:13:12,270
Good God, she can't know
I'm having these thoughts.
262
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:13,620
She can't know about the eight minutes.
263
00:13:13,630 --> 00:13:16,110
If she knew, she would have me arrested.
She's done it before.
264
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:19,050
Hey, the candy canes are for the show.
265
00:13:21,210 --> 00:13:22,820
Oh, so how'd it go uptown, Ms. Lemon?
266
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:23,740
I'll tell you how it went.
267
00:13:23,750 --> 00:13:26,180
I filed a report with the
Better Business Bureau.
268
00:13:26,190 --> 00:13:31,450
I'm not gonna rest until the
Letters to Santa program is shut down.
269
00:13:31,460 --> 00:13:33,620
What is wrong with you?
270
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,710
You are being a real scrooge.
271
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,880
It was just two dudes, Kenneth.
272
00:13:37,890 --> 00:13:41,020
They scammed me, and now they're
selling that stuff on Ebay.
273
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:45,870
There were no kids up there, and there
definitely weren't any hugs around here.
274
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:48,610
Well, if all you want is a
hug from a black person...
275
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,090
Maybe you should just host
The Price Is Right.
276
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:53,760
I don't believe people
would do that, Ms. Lemon.
277
00:13:53,790 --> 00:13:55,850
This is a religious holiday.
278
00:13:55,860 --> 00:13:58,090
When has religion ever
caused any trouble?
279
00:13:58,110 --> 00:13:59,780
Kenneth, you're naive.
280
00:13:59,820 --> 00:14:02,580
And you're acting like
a real c-word right now.
281
00:14:02,590 --> 00:14:05,380
That's right, a cranky Sue.
282
00:14:05,390 --> 00:14:09,160
I know in my heart that
children got those presents.
283
00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:12,490
They didn't, Kenneth. I'll prove
it to you. It's dinner break.
284
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:15,500
Trac, we're going uptown.
285
00:14:15,510 --> 00:14:18,190
All right, I'll call Grizz and Dotcom.
286
00:14:18,210 --> 00:14:20,570
I'm sure they're not doing anything.
287
00:14:23,590 --> 00:14:28,060
No. Doctor williams said "boundaries. "
288
00:14:34,270 --> 00:14:36,630
Mother, you shouldn't be
exerting yourself like that.
289
00:14:36,660 --> 00:14:39,720
I'm sorry that work has kept me from...
290
00:14:39,730 --> 00:14:40,990
spending more time with you.
291
00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:43,410
What kind of time, Jackie?
292
00:14:43,420 --> 00:14:46,310
Eight minutes, maybe?
293
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,060
John Francis Donaghy.
294
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,340
How could you? How could you?
295
00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:55,530
Waiting eight minutes to call 911.
296
00:14:55,550 --> 00:14:56,360
I can't believe it.
297
00:14:56,370 --> 00:14:57,560
I don't know what you're
talking about, mother.
298
00:14:57,570 --> 00:14:59,350
I've got to get back to work now.
299
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,480
Exhibit A!
300
00:15:02,650 --> 00:15:08,150
Your cell phone bill.
You made a call to 911 at 8:16am.
301
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:12,680
Exhibit B. The watch that
my son gave me for Christmas.
302
00:15:12,690 --> 00:15:14,740
Not the one I wanted, by the way.
303
00:15:14,750 --> 00:15:18,160
You had just set it before it broke,
of course,
304
00:15:18,180 --> 00:15:20,870
when your car rammed
into me down in Florida.
305
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,920
And it stopped at 8:08.
306
00:15:24,930 --> 00:15:30,100
Exhibit C. 16 minus 8 is 8.
307
00:15:30,110 --> 00:15:35,020
Numbers, unlike children,
don't lie. What kind of son--
308
00:15:35,030 --> 00:15:39,370
What kind of mother tells her son that
John Kennedy died because he talked in church?
309
00:15:39,380 --> 00:15:42,140
Or tells her son when he was
voted captain of the diving team,
310
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:44,320
"What a great way to meet guys."
311
00:15:44,330 --> 00:15:47,340
Or invite strange men
over on Christmas Eve!
312
00:15:47,370 --> 00:15:49,910
Don't turn this around, Jackie!
313
00:15:49,930 --> 00:15:51,490
Don't make this about me!
314
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,960
It's always about you.
315
00:15:53,990 --> 00:15:55,550
I am 50 years old.
316
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:57,710
You have ruined every
Christmas I've ever had,
317
00:15:57,740 --> 00:15:59,800
and I'm not letting you
take this one down too.
318
00:15:59,810 --> 00:16:01,830
You're walking away from me!
319
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,960
More snow machines!
320
00:16:07,260 --> 00:16:10,990
See, Kenneth, those drawings are
a clue that children live here.
321
00:16:11,010 --> 00:16:12,760
Or Basquiat.
322
00:16:12,770 --> 00:16:16,350
And this bare door is a scam door.
323
00:16:16,370 --> 00:16:19,810
No, children live here. I know it.
324
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,060
Get ready to have your
little bubble burst.
325
00:16:22,070 --> 00:16:25,480
Come on, Christmas.
Come on, Christmas.
326
00:16:25,490 --> 00:16:27,960
Hello?
327
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:32,610
Oh my gosh.
Are you DeShante and Marcus?
328
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:36,190
And you got the presents?
There are presents under the tree?
329
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,700
I did that. I got that stuff for you.
330
00:16:38,710 --> 00:16:41,370
I'm the one who made Christmas happen.
331
00:16:41,380 --> 00:16:43,170
What about Santa?
332
00:16:43,180 --> 00:16:46,800
Daddy, she said there's no Santa Claus.
333
00:16:46,810 --> 00:16:47,860
What is wrong with you?
334
00:16:47,890 --> 00:16:50,230
No, I'm-- I did a good thing.
I got a letter from--
335
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,720
Yeah, the letter that said "Dear Santa",
not "Dear lonely white lady".
336
00:16:53,730 --> 00:16:54,850
I'm sorry.
337
00:16:54,860 --> 00:17:00,830
Could I offer you tickets to a live Christmas
special in the tradition of Andy Williams?
338
00:17:02,370 --> 00:17:06,190
Okay, you were right.
So yeah, you were right.
339
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:13,070
- Do you know your mother is here?
- I don't care.
340
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:16,760
I'm trying to produce a Christmas special that
makes It's a Wonderful Life look like Pulp Fiction.
341
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:18,030
Where the hell is Mrs. Claus?
342
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,670
You can't do Christmas Eve without her.
343
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,080
What is wrong with you people?
344
00:17:21,090 --> 00:17:22,500
We're on in 30 seconds.
345
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:23,590
How couldn't you have Mrs. Claus?
346
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,560
I didn't realize you were
serious about that, so I cut it.
347
00:17:26,580 --> 00:17:28,270
You can't cut Mrs. Claus.
348
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:29,900
Everyone knows that on Christmas Eve,
349
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:33,160
Mrs. Claus hangs your stockings,
then puts out food for Santa.
350
00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:36,340
Then you sings songs around the
piano until she tucks you in.
351
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:38,160
Did your mother not do that?
352
00:17:38,170 --> 00:17:40,450
That's not a thing, Jack.
353
00:17:40,470 --> 00:17:42,460
Yes, it is. No.
354
00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:45,650
Mrs. Claus must have been
something special that Colleen did.
355
00:17:45,670 --> 00:17:47,830
Probably to make up for the
fact that your dad wasn't around.
356
00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:50,350
No, Christmas in the
Donaghy house was awful.
357
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,390
Have I not told you about
my mom's yuletide boyfriend?
358
00:17:53,410 --> 00:17:56,470
Good old Frederick August
Otto Schwartz the Third?
359
00:17:56,490 --> 00:17:58,770
F.A.O. Schwartz? Like the toy store?
360
00:17:58,780 --> 00:18:02,250
His family owned some
toy stores, yes. So what?
361
00:18:02,550 --> 00:18:07,160
Jack, I think your mother put out on
Christmas to get you kids presents.
362
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:08,380
She did it for you.
363
00:18:08,390 --> 00:18:11,240
Not possible. She didn't
do anything for us.
364
00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:13,120
Well, I know you guys were pretty poor.
365
00:18:13,130 --> 00:18:15,990
Did you have a lot of presents?
366
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,910
You couldn't even see the tree.
367
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:21,450
In 5, 4, 3...
368
00:18:21,470 --> 00:18:26,700
Our first guest has sung with everyone
from Paul Anka to Crocodile Dundee.
369
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,690
Cross to piano.
370
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:33,770
Ladies and Gentlemen, Jenna Maroney!
371
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:41,450
* Chestnuts roasting on an open fire *
372
00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:47,410
* Jack Frost nipping ayour nose *
373
00:18:48,010 --> 00:18:53,050
* Yuletide carols being
sung by the choir *
374
00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:58,200
* And folks dressed up like eskimos *
375
00:18:58,210 --> 00:19:04,760
* Everybody knows a
turkey and some mistletoe *
376
00:19:04,770 --> 00:19:08,580
Liz Lemon, I know you're gonna
be all alone on Christmas day.
377
00:19:08,590 --> 00:19:11,600
So if you like, you can
spend it with the Jordans.
378
00:19:11,630 --> 00:19:12,980
I'd love to, Tracey.
379
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,000
Good, we'll be over at 2:00.
380
00:19:15,010 --> 00:19:19,200
My kids have a peanut allergy,
but dogs only eat steak.
381
00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:22,460
Okay.
382
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:28,630
* They know that Santa's on his way... *
383
00:19:32,430 --> 00:19:35,280
What on earth is the matter with you?
384
00:19:35,290 --> 00:19:37,850
I love you, mother, and
I don't want you to die.
385
00:19:37,870 --> 00:19:40,880
I'm never going to, Jackie.
386
00:19:40,910 --> 00:19:48,120
* To see if reindeer
really know how to fly *
387
00:19:53,590 --> 00:20:01,580
* And so I'm offering
this simple phrase *
388
00:20:02,980 --> 00:20:10,790
* To kids from 1 to 92 *
389
00:20:11,590 --> 00:20:19,330
* Although it's been said
many times many ways *
390
00:20:19,690 --> 00:20:23,660
* Merry Christmas *
391
00:20:23,670 --> 00:20:27,570
* Merry Christmas *
392
00:20:27,580 --> 00:20:32,260
* Merry Christmas *
393
00:20:32,270 --> 00:20:38,470
* To you *
394
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,890
You *****, Jack.