1 00:00:01,189 --> 00:00:03,289 Merry Christmas Eve eve, Jack. 2 00:00:03,289 --> 00:00:04,722 Likewise, Lemon. Is there any chance 3 00:00:04,790 --> 00:00:06,858 you'll still be around tomorrow? Sure. 4 00:00:06,925 --> 00:00:08,059 You want to go to the Penn Station Kmart with me 5 00:00:08,126 --> 00:00:09,293 and then watch Tootsie? 6 00:00:09,361 --> 00:00:10,894 I'm sorry. That's what you're doing 7 00:00:10,962 --> 00:00:12,529 instead of spending Christmas Eve with your family? 8 00:00:12,597 --> 00:00:15,265 It's my new thing... Travel on Christmas day. 9 00:00:15,370 --> 00:00:18,189 That way, I avoid the annual Lemon family blowup. 10 00:00:18,256 --> 00:00:20,388 And this year it's gonna be a doozy. 11 00:00:20,456 --> 00:00:22,730 My aunt Linda is bringing her new boyfriend, 12 00:00:22,798 --> 00:00:25,073 who is neither her age nor her race. 13 00:00:25,141 --> 00:00:27,239 And her ex-husband will also be there 14 00:00:27,306 --> 00:00:29,068 with his date, alcoholism. 15 00:00:29,135 --> 00:00:32,005 I swoop in the next day for presents and pie. 16 00:00:32,072 --> 00:00:33,550 Well, if you're around, come by for dinner. 17 00:00:33,618 --> 00:00:35,105 Colleen will be up from Florida, 18 00:00:35,173 --> 00:00:36,791 and, um, she'd love to see you. 19 00:00:36,859 --> 00:00:38,809 Because my youthful energy makes her feel young? 20 00:00:38,877 --> 00:00:40,519 No, because she views you as a peer 21 00:00:40,587 --> 00:00:42,103 she can complain with about how no one 22 00:00:42,171 --> 00:00:43,679 wears pantyhose any longer. 23 00:00:43,746 --> 00:00:46,335 Ah, how are we supposed to conceal our spider veins? 24 00:00:46,402 --> 00:00:49,391 Bare-legged at Christmas. 25 00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:52,979 Okay, guys, this Kabletown promo is the last thing we have to do 26 00:00:53,047 --> 00:00:54,387 before the holiday break. 27 00:00:54,455 --> 00:00:57,439 Liz Lemon, I cannot participate in this promo. 28 00:00:57,507 --> 00:00:59,045 Why? 29 00:00:59,113 --> 00:01:00,415 Because it's not honest. 30 00:01:00,483 --> 00:01:01,893 As an actor, 31 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,203 it is my job to tell the truth, 32 00:01:04,271 --> 00:01:06,080 hold the mirror to humanity, 33 00:01:06,148 --> 00:01:07,419 and sell proactiv. 34 00:01:07,486 --> 00:01:10,400 I will not spout your lies, Liz Lemon. 35 00:01:10,468 --> 00:01:14,485 And I will not say merry Christmas from Kabletown. 36 00:01:14,553 --> 00:01:17,031 Ever since Tracy got nominated for a Golden Globe, 37 00:01:17,099 --> 00:01:18,202 he thinks he's Sean Penn. 38 00:01:18,270 --> 00:01:20,012 Well, they have both had screaming fights 39 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,682 with Wyclef Jean. 40 00:01:21,750 --> 00:01:24,325 We'll just do this without him. Merry Christmas, Jenna. 41 00:01:24,393 --> 00:01:26,568 You can say both lines. 42 00:01:26,636 --> 00:01:28,710 Merry Christmas from Kabletown 43 00:01:28,778 --> 00:01:30,751 and all of us at TGS. 44 00:01:30,819 --> 00:01:32,425 I think we got it. 45 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:38,514 Wait, are... are you okay? 46 00:01:38,581 --> 00:01:41,524 "Tom Ford and Elton John invite you to New Queer's Eve." 47 00:01:41,592 --> 00:01:43,030 What is this? 48 00:01:43,098 --> 00:01:46,240 NQE is the new year's party. 49 00:01:46,308 --> 00:01:48,147 Everyone dresses up as a cultural figure 50 00:01:48,215 --> 00:01:49,384 from the past year. 51 00:01:49,452 --> 00:01:52,126 Also replicas of the David urinate vodka. 52 00:01:52,194 --> 00:01:53,764 Oh, God. 53 00:01:53,831 --> 00:01:55,036 Paul and I were gonna come up 54 00:01:55,104 --> 00:01:56,339 with an amazing couple's costume. 55 00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:59,348 But now that he's gone, what's the point? 56 00:01:59,416 --> 00:02:01,354 This party means so much to me. 57 00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:02,991 I don't know what I'm gonna do without it. 58 00:02:03,061 --> 00:02:05,099 The party or Paul? 59 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:06,870 The party, Liz. 60 00:02:06,937 --> 00:02:08,374 Good news. 61 00:02:08,442 --> 00:02:10,213 We don't have to do these promos after all. 62 00:02:10,281 --> 00:02:13,355 NBC says they want them from every show but us. 63 00:02:13,423 --> 00:02:15,494 Good year, everyone. 64 00:02:19,074 --> 00:02:20,674 ♪ ♪ 65 00:02:20,684 --> 00:02:26,684 Synced and corrected by Arcinboldi www.addic7ed.com 66 00:02:35,916 --> 00:02:37,286 What Christmas card did we end up sending out? 67 00:02:37,354 --> 00:02:39,524 Oh... 68 00:02:39,592 --> 00:02:41,196 "Happy holidays 69 00:02:41,263 --> 00:02:42,965 is what terrorists say." 70 00:02:43,033 --> 00:02:44,870 Merry Christmas, Avery and Jack. 71 00:02:47,444 --> 00:02:49,314 Oh, it's just Liz. 72 00:02:49,382 --> 00:02:50,617 Why do people always say that? 73 00:02:50,685 --> 00:02:52,755 Avery is keeping her pregnancy a secret at work, 74 00:02:52,823 --> 00:02:54,727 so she's been carrying around large objects 75 00:02:54,795 --> 00:02:56,132 whenever she's in the building. 76 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,069 I was wondering what was up with your show last night. 77 00:02:58,138 --> 00:02:59,407 The market rallying today 78 00:02:59,474 --> 00:03:01,211 despite a pullback in gold stocks. 79 00:03:01,279 --> 00:03:03,283 Anyway, I was gonna bring dessert tomorrow. 80 00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:05,822 So are there any foods that are making you nauseous lately? 81 00:03:05,889 --> 00:03:07,593 Please don't say a half sleeve of oreos. 82 00:03:07,661 --> 00:03:09,129 Oh, I'm not gonna be there. 83 00:03:09,199 --> 00:03:11,269 I'm leaving tonight to spend Christmas with my family. 84 00:03:11,337 --> 00:03:12,438 Really? 85 00:03:12,506 --> 00:03:14,176 That's why I like dating older men. 86 00:03:14,244 --> 00:03:15,812 Their parents are usually dead or senile, 87 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,984 so there's never an argument about the holidays. 88 00:03:18,052 --> 00:03:19,955 Why aren't you and Colleen going with her? 89 00:03:20,023 --> 00:03:22,495 Oh, you know, uh, Colleen is frail, 90 00:03:22,563 --> 00:03:24,867 and Avery is in her third trimester. 91 00:03:24,934 --> 00:03:27,239 You haven't told Colleen 92 00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:29,311 about the baby yet. What? 93 00:03:29,378 --> 00:03:31,282 I have been watching The Mentalist a lot lately, 94 00:03:31,349 --> 00:03:33,319 because my tv's on CBS, and I lost my remote. 95 00:03:33,387 --> 00:03:35,656 I think I've become a body-language expert. 96 00:03:35,724 --> 00:03:38,027 For instance, I can now tell 97 00:03:38,095 --> 00:03:41,668 that Jack wants to kill the person to his right. 98 00:03:41,736 --> 00:03:43,338 Why haven't you told her? 99 00:03:43,406 --> 00:03:46,177 I just haven't found the right time. 100 00:03:46,245 --> 00:03:48,515 - That is no excuse!! - (Shrilly) This is so bad! 101 00:03:48,583 --> 00:03:51,388 I cannot have the two of you on the same side of an argument. 102 00:03:51,456 --> 00:03:53,758 We Donaghys believe that, when there's something 103 00:03:53,826 --> 00:03:55,060 at all delicate to talk about, 104 00:03:55,128 --> 00:03:56,729 it is best to suppress it 105 00:03:56,797 --> 00:03:59,132 until it erupts into a fistfight at a church barbecue. 106 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,767 I understand all that, Jack. 107 00:04:00,835 --> 00:04:02,570 The symbol on the Jessup family crest 108 00:04:02,637 --> 00:04:05,006 is a knight refusing to talk about his feelings, 109 00:04:05,074 --> 00:04:06,975 but this baby is not bad news. 110 00:04:07,042 --> 00:04:09,577 You don't know Colleen. We're not married, Avery. 111 00:04:09,645 --> 00:04:12,312 Why should that matter? I mean, she did the same thing. 112 00:04:12,380 --> 00:04:14,580 I mean, what did Colleen say when you told her 113 00:04:14,648 --> 00:04:16,548 you knew about your real dad? 114 00:04:16,616 --> 00:04:18,750 You never told her about Milton either. 115 00:04:18,817 --> 00:04:20,284 I am "The Mentaliz." 116 00:04:20,352 --> 00:04:21,919 You have so many secrets! That was over a year ago! 117 00:04:21,986 --> 00:04:23,520 - How do you not get hives? - How could you not tell her? 118 00:04:23,587 --> 00:04:25,287 For the love of God. 119 00:04:25,355 --> 00:04:28,057 Sir, this came for you. 120 00:04:28,124 --> 00:04:29,925 Thanks, K-L-M-N-O-P. 121 00:04:29,993 --> 00:04:31,226 I've been waiting for this. 122 00:04:31,294 --> 00:04:32,861 Oh, I didn't know you made 123 00:04:32,928 --> 00:04:34,896 another Chunks movie, Mr. Jordan. 124 00:04:34,964 --> 00:04:37,098 That first one was a classic. 125 00:04:37,165 --> 00:04:40,166 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here 126 00:04:40,234 --> 00:04:42,667 to celebrate the life of Althea Chunk. 127 00:04:42,735 --> 00:04:45,269 Damn, that's funky. 128 00:04:45,337 --> 00:04:48,538 Obesity is killing the african-american community... 129 00:04:48,606 --> 00:04:50,407 With laughter. 130 00:04:50,475 --> 00:04:52,475 Yeah, well, this sequel is never coming out. 131 00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:54,977 I bought the rights, so this movie won't be released. 132 00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:57,012 Why wouldn't you want people to see your movie? 133 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,247 It looks so funny. 134 00:04:58,315 --> 00:04:59,683 That's the problem, Ken. 135 00:04:59,750 --> 00:05:03,386 It's 67 minutes of me acting like a hilarious fool. 136 00:05:03,454 --> 00:05:05,788 If this movie comes out before the Golden Globes, 137 00:05:05,855 --> 00:05:07,422 it'll ruin my new image. 138 00:05:07,490 --> 00:05:10,592 Mr. Jordan, I thought you loved acting like a fool. 139 00:05:10,659 --> 00:05:13,161 No, I don't. 140 00:05:13,228 --> 00:05:14,461 I'm lying. 141 00:05:14,529 --> 00:05:17,064 My favorite thing in the world is making people laugh. 142 00:05:17,131 --> 00:05:18,264 But I can't now. 143 00:05:18,332 --> 00:05:20,566 I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth, 144 00:05:20,634 --> 00:05:22,368 Charlie Rose! 145 00:05:22,436 --> 00:05:25,204 - Oh, that's horrible. - I have no choice! 146 00:05:25,271 --> 00:05:26,705 I got to stay serious. 147 00:05:26,773 --> 00:05:29,574 From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes 148 00:05:29,642 --> 00:05:33,177 are about the holocaust, Georgia O'Keeffe, or both. 149 00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:36,680 I didn't care much for the gazpacho soup. 150 00:05:36,748 --> 00:05:39,149 I mean, where's the fun of sending it back 151 00:05:39,216 --> 00:05:40,482 because it isn't hot? 152 00:05:40,550 --> 00:05:42,017 Mother. 153 00:05:42,085 --> 00:05:43,552 Yes. 154 00:05:43,619 --> 00:05:46,054 Avery and I are having a baby. 155 00:05:46,122 --> 00:05:47,989 I see. 156 00:05:48,057 --> 00:05:50,224 May I remind you this is good news. 157 00:05:50,292 --> 00:05:52,026 This is a disgrace! 158 00:05:52,093 --> 00:05:56,262 What are my chums at the death shore retirement community 159 00:05:56,330 --> 00:05:58,231 gonna say... 160 00:05:58,298 --> 00:06:01,367 When I tell them that my unmarried son 161 00:06:01,434 --> 00:06:04,169 has knocked up a protestant? 162 00:06:04,237 --> 00:06:05,870 Oh, I knew you would do this... 163 00:06:05,938 --> 00:06:08,005 Take a happy moment and ruin it, 164 00:06:08,073 --> 00:06:09,874 just like you did when I won that scholarship 165 00:06:09,941 --> 00:06:11,508 at my high-school graduation. 166 00:06:11,576 --> 00:06:13,410 It should have gone to the other boy! 167 00:06:13,478 --> 00:06:16,479 This is the reason I waited seven months to tell you. 168 00:06:16,546 --> 00:06:19,381 You kept this from your own mother? 169 00:06:19,449 --> 00:06:22,283 Oh, oh, Colleen, don't talk to me about secrets. 170 00:06:22,351 --> 00:06:24,684 I know some things you've done that you would not want me 171 00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:25,752 to bring up right now. 172 00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:29,088 Most people thought I was a hero 173 00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:31,056 for killing Lydia's parrot. 174 00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,525 I'm going upstairs now 175 00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:36,728 and think about more comments 176 00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:40,598 for tomorrow. 177 00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:43,667 This isn't over! 178 00:06:46,337 --> 00:06:47,737 Jack. 179 00:06:47,805 --> 00:06:50,372 Guess what. They just got caller I.D. in Vermont. 180 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,774 Milton, I hope you don't have plans for tomorrow. 181 00:06:52,842 --> 00:06:54,241 I'm having a little Christmas dinner, 182 00:06:54,308 --> 00:06:56,243 and I want you to be my guest of honor. 183 00:06:56,310 --> 00:06:57,577 Well, it is a little sudden, 184 00:06:57,645 --> 00:07:00,045 but, yes, I'd love to come to your holiday dinner. 185 00:07:00,113 --> 00:07:02,747 Christmas. It's Christmas dinner. 186 00:07:08,152 --> 00:07:10,420 Hey, Rick, can you cover section three for me? 187 00:07:10,488 --> 00:07:12,188 I'm in the weeds. Oh, Liz. 188 00:07:12,256 --> 00:07:14,391 Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a transvestite. 189 00:07:14,458 --> 00:07:16,525 Paul, I need to talk to you about Jenna. 190 00:07:16,593 --> 00:07:18,660 Oh. How is she? 191 00:07:18,728 --> 00:07:21,029 Honestly, I don't think I've seen her this upset 192 00:07:21,097 --> 00:07:22,497 since hurricane Katrina. 193 00:07:22,564 --> 00:07:25,332 The coverage preempted a tampon commercial she was in. 194 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,101 - Oh. - And she keeps trying 195 00:07:27,168 --> 00:07:29,036 to pretend it's just about some new year's party, 196 00:07:29,103 --> 00:07:30,937 but I think she misses you. 197 00:07:31,005 --> 00:07:33,773 Look, I-I miss her too, but it's over between us now. 198 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:35,708 I-I don't even think about Jenna anymore. 199 00:07:35,775 --> 00:07:38,677 I don't think about kissing her or laughing with her 200 00:07:38,744 --> 00:07:40,845 or photographing her with just salamanders 201 00:07:40,913 --> 00:07:42,513 covering her nipples. 202 00:07:42,581 --> 00:07:45,115 When it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. 203 00:07:46,617 --> 00:07:47,717 You can't be on the floor 204 00:07:47,785 --> 00:07:49,319 without your roller skates, Rick. 205 00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:50,954 I'm not Rick. 206 00:07:58,294 --> 00:07:59,927 Merry Christmas, Jack. 207 00:07:59,995 --> 00:08:01,528 Sorry. I finished the oreos in the cab. 208 00:08:01,596 --> 00:08:02,829 I'm glad you could make it, Lemon. 209 00:08:02,897 --> 00:08:05,965 Welcome to my Christmas Attack Zone. 210 00:08:06,033 --> 00:08:07,233 Your what? What does that mean? 211 00:08:07,301 --> 00:08:08,400 Professor Milton Greene 212 00:08:08,468 --> 00:08:10,168 is on his way here from Penn Station. 213 00:08:10,236 --> 00:08:12,637 Milton, your father, is coming here? 214 00:08:12,704 --> 00:08:14,472 Please tell me that Colleen... 215 00:08:14,572 --> 00:08:15,839 Has no idea. 216 00:08:15,907 --> 00:08:18,008 The father that she hid from me for 50 years, 217 00:08:18,075 --> 00:08:19,943 the man that she doesn't even know 218 00:08:20,010 --> 00:08:22,678 I know exists, is joining us for supper. 219 00:08:22,746 --> 00:08:24,180 Uh, red or white? 220 00:08:24,247 --> 00:08:25,847 White. Jack, what are you doing? 221 00:08:25,915 --> 00:08:28,016 You promised me a drama-free dinner. 222 00:08:28,084 --> 00:08:29,651 I could be sitting at the corner table 223 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:31,052 at the Kmart Cafe right now. 224 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:32,686 Oh, that must be dad. 225 00:08:32,754 --> 00:08:34,321 Wait, does Milton know that Colleen is here? 226 00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:35,756 No. I want it all to be fresh. 227 00:08:35,823 --> 00:08:38,591 Will he erupt with anger over her years of secrecy? 228 00:08:38,659 --> 00:08:40,694 Who knows? Milton's a hippie pacifist. 229 00:08:40,761 --> 00:08:43,095 But I once saw Colleen provoke a Buddhist monk 230 00:08:43,163 --> 00:08:45,564 into whipping a battery at her. 231 00:08:49,668 --> 00:08:51,035 My boy. 232 00:08:51,103 --> 00:08:53,003 Oh, Jack, this is going to be 233 00:08:53,071 --> 00:08:55,372 the best winter's Eve light festival ever. 234 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:56,840 Liz! 235 00:08:56,907 --> 00:08:59,408 Ana happy whatever you believe in too. 236 00:08:59,476 --> 00:09:01,276 No. I am not letting this happen. 237 00:09:01,344 --> 00:09:04,278 Milton, Jack has an ulterior motive for bringing you here. 238 00:09:04,346 --> 00:09:06,847 Yes. It's true. 239 00:09:06,915 --> 00:09:08,549 You're going to be a grandfather. 240 00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:11,685 Oh, what a blessing! Oh, life is beautiful. 241 00:09:11,753 --> 00:09:15,388 "Joy, beautiful spark of the gods, 242 00:09:15,456 --> 00:09:16,923 daughter of Elysium." 243 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,791 And, Liz, you're already showing. 244 00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:21,260 No, it's not me, a that is not what he has to tell you. 245 00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:22,628 Colleen is here, 246 00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,563 and Jack is using you to ambush her. 247 00:09:24,631 --> 00:09:27,131 - Why would you do that? - I'll tell you why... 248 00:09:27,199 --> 00:09:29,400 Because when my mother found out about your granddaughter... 249 00:09:29,468 --> 00:09:31,201 It's a girl! She'll be intuitive. 250 00:09:31,269 --> 00:09:33,070 Colleen did not see it as a blessing. 251 00:09:33,138 --> 00:09:34,705 She saw it as an embarrassment, 252 00:09:34,772 --> 00:09:37,107 because my girlfriend Avery and I are not married. 253 00:09:37,175 --> 00:09:39,675 An embarrassment? She has no right to judge you. 254 00:09:39,743 --> 00:09:41,477 She needs to read my new book, 255 00:09:41,544 --> 00:09:44,179 there's no wrong way to make a family. 256 00:09:44,246 --> 00:09:45,580 That's for you. 257 00:09:45,648 --> 00:09:48,049 I agree with you, Milton, but Colleen disapproves. 258 00:09:48,117 --> 00:09:49,984 Well, that's awfully hypocritical for a woman 259 00:09:50,052 --> 00:09:51,819 who kept her son a secret 260 00:09:51,887 --> 00:09:53,654 from his own father. 261 00:09:53,722 --> 00:09:55,289 I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind tonight. 262 00:09:55,356 --> 00:09:57,923 Oh, great, Avery's here, and she looks mad. 263 00:09:57,991 --> 00:09:59,725 Jack, I got your message. 264 00:09:59,793 --> 00:10:02,328 How dare Colleen disapprove of me, 265 00:10:02,395 --> 00:10:03,996 of us? Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. 266 00:10:04,064 --> 00:10:06,098 I didn't mean for my message to make you angry 267 00:10:06,165 --> 00:10:07,799 and have you come all the way back here. 268 00:10:07,867 --> 00:10:10,635 Now there are three people here that are mad at Colleen. 269 00:10:10,703 --> 00:10:12,070 Wait, this is Avery? 270 00:10:12,138 --> 00:10:13,938 How could that woman not adore 271 00:10:14,006 --> 00:10:15,939 such a beautiful daughter-in-law? 272 00:10:16,007 --> 00:10:17,507 - Oh. - By the way, we have 273 00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:18,641 a tradition in my family 274 00:10:18,709 --> 00:10:20,276 where we let the child name itself. 275 00:10:20,344 --> 00:10:21,777 Oh, yeah, that's hippie nonsense. 276 00:10:21,845 --> 00:10:22,978 Absolutely not. 277 00:10:23,046 --> 00:10:24,647 Well, suit yourself, but my son Spider-Man 278 00:10:24,715 --> 00:10:25,981 turned out just fine. 279 00:10:26,049 --> 00:10:27,516 Okay, this is disgusting. 280 00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:29,684 It is Christmas. You are not going to ambush 281 00:10:29,752 --> 00:10:31,587 an old woman for the mistakes that she has made. 282 00:10:31,655 --> 00:10:33,489 I mean, who hasn't made mistakes? 283 00:10:33,557 --> 00:10:35,791 I once french-kissed a dog at a party 284 00:10:35,859 --> 00:10:37,326 to try to impress what turned out to be 285 00:10:37,394 --> 00:10:38,427 a very tall 12-year-old. 286 00:10:38,495 --> 00:10:40,195 Lemon, we all know what mistakes are. 287 00:10:40,263 --> 00:10:41,897 I'm going to tell Colleen what's happening 288 00:10:41,965 --> 00:10:43,732 while you all calm down. 289 00:10:43,799 --> 00:10:44,933 Where's her room? 290 00:10:46,835 --> 00:10:49,503 Don't worry.. I sent her to the east wing. 291 00:10:49,571 --> 00:10:52,639 It's very confusing. It was designed by M.C. Escher. 292 00:10:52,706 --> 00:10:53,940 These stairs are weird. 293 00:10:54,008 --> 00:10:56,508 Mother. 294 00:10:56,576 --> 00:10:58,209 Dinner is ready. 295 00:10:58,277 --> 00:11:01,045 What are you doing here, sir? 296 00:11:01,112 --> 00:11:04,147 I wasn't setting this up because I'm spending Christmas at work. 297 00:11:04,215 --> 00:11:06,214 I certainly wasn't going to pretend those trash cans 298 00:11:06,282 --> 00:11:08,884 were my parents. 299 00:11:08,951 --> 00:11:11,019 I'm here picking up a serious outfit 300 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:12,787 from wardrobe for my event later. 301 00:11:12,854 --> 00:11:15,256 All the big actors do charity work on Christmas Eve. 302 00:11:15,324 --> 00:11:16,925 Russell Crowe is having an auction 303 00:11:16,992 --> 00:11:18,960 to benefit the victims of his own mood swings. 304 00:11:19,028 --> 00:11:20,695 So what are you doing, sir? 305 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:22,763 Screening my very sad movie Hard to Watch 306 00:11:22,831 --> 00:11:24,098 at a women's shelter. 307 00:11:24,165 --> 00:11:25,499 It's gonna be real depressing. 308 00:11:25,567 --> 00:11:27,734 I hate seeing you like this, sir. 309 00:11:27,802 --> 00:11:30,136 And you ruined Ludachristmas. 310 00:11:30,204 --> 00:11:34,772 In the Darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones. 311 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,440 Next slide. 312 00:11:36,508 --> 00:11:38,108 What else can I do, Kenneth? 313 00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:40,944 People only take you seriously if you're serious. 314 00:11:41,011 --> 00:11:43,713 But comedy is just as important as drama. 315 00:11:43,780 --> 00:11:45,114 People need to laugh, 316 00:11:45,182 --> 00:11:47,115 especially in these tough times. 317 00:11:47,183 --> 00:11:50,885 And after all, isn't laughter the best medicine? 318 00:11:50,953 --> 00:11:53,954 Except for Insulin, spironolactone, and bupropion, 319 00:11:54,022 --> 00:11:56,189 which I have for you whenever you're ready, sir. 320 00:11:58,058 --> 00:12:01,361 - Mother, you look lovely. - I see you brought the bag 321 00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,964 that my bastard grandchild will come in. 322 00:12:04,031 --> 00:12:05,932 Merry Christmas, Mrs. Donaghy. 323 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,734 My gift to you is the feeling of superiority you'll have 324 00:12:08,802 --> 00:12:11,303 for the next two seconds. Is she drunk, Jack? 325 00:12:11,371 --> 00:12:12,671 Because, you know, when you're pregnant, 326 00:12:12,738 --> 00:12:14,806 one bottle of wine a day, and that's it. 327 00:12:14,873 --> 00:12:18,208 Mother, you must remember Milton Greene, 328 00:12:18,276 --> 00:12:22,012 my father and your shameful sex secret. 329 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,514 Why would you bring him here? 330 00:12:24,581 --> 00:12:26,315 Oh, I see. 331 00:12:26,383 --> 00:12:29,151 Trying to make me look like the bad guy, is that it? 332 00:12:29,219 --> 00:12:30,385 You are the bad guy. 333 00:12:30,453 --> 00:12:32,587 You kept me from my son for 50 years. 334 00:12:32,655 --> 00:12:34,155 You didn't miss much. 335 00:12:34,223 --> 00:12:35,956 He's a good boy. He got me a kidney... 336 00:12:36,024 --> 00:12:37,591 From Elvis Costello. 337 00:12:37,659 --> 00:12:40,327 All that time lost because of you and your pride. 338 00:12:40,394 --> 00:12:42,495 And think of what I've lost. 339 00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:45,430 Going on father-and-son habitat for humanity builds 340 00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:48,199 and road trips in my V.W. van. 341 00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:50,601 Yeah, or other things. 342 00:12:50,669 --> 00:12:53,537 And then you dare to judge us and our life decisions? 343 00:12:53,604 --> 00:12:54,738 Who do you think you are? 344 00:12:54,805 --> 00:12:57,673 God, this house is enormous. 345 00:12:57,741 --> 00:13:00,243 Oh, hi, Colleen. I tried to stop this. 346 00:13:00,310 --> 00:13:03,112 Well, mother, what do you have to say for yourself? 347 00:13:04,780 --> 00:13:07,048 It's speechless. 348 00:13:07,116 --> 00:13:10,851 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas one and all. 349 00:13:34,370 --> 00:13:36,838 Jenna, this dinner is a disaster. 350 00:13:36,906 --> 00:13:38,273 My life is ruined. 351 00:13:38,341 --> 00:13:41,042 I just came up with the perfect couple's costume 352 00:13:41,109 --> 00:13:42,476 for new queer's Eve, 353 00:13:42,544 --> 00:13:44,678 and I can't use it because of stupid Paul. 354 00:13:44,745 --> 00:13:45,879 You know what? 355 00:13:45,946 --> 00:13:47,480 The reason I'm not with my family right now 356 00:13:47,548 --> 00:13:48,815 is because I didn't want any drama, 357 00:13:48,882 --> 00:13:49,982 and that's all I'm getting, 358 00:13:50,050 --> 00:13:51,850 first from these "jagwagons" and now you. 359 00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:53,752 Paul is the reason you're upset. 360 00:13:53,820 --> 00:13:56,421 It's not about this party. It's about the party. 361 00:13:56,489 --> 00:13:58,989 I want to eat shrimp off an old gay 362 00:13:59,057 --> 00:14:00,558 dressed as baby new year. 363 00:14:00,625 --> 00:14:02,926 Ugh. 364 00:14:02,994 --> 00:14:05,895 Hi, Colleen. 365 00:14:05,963 --> 00:14:07,130 - Hmm. - Are you all right? 366 00:14:07,198 --> 00:14:09,599 Just thinking about my next move. 367 00:14:09,667 --> 00:14:11,400 No, no. What next move? 368 00:14:11,468 --> 00:14:14,435 This thing hasn't even started. 369 00:14:14,503 --> 00:14:18,338 Welcome to my Christmas Attack Zone. 370 00:14:19,707 --> 00:14:21,740 Ladies of the battered women's shelter, 371 00:14:21,808 --> 00:14:24,242 please be quiet, a man is talking. 372 00:14:24,310 --> 00:14:28,013 You're about to watch a film that holds a mirror 373 00:14:28,081 --> 00:14:30,315 up to your own terrible lives. 374 00:14:30,383 --> 00:14:33,151 You're gonna see poverty, drug abuse, 375 00:14:33,218 --> 00:14:37,489 and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster. 376 00:14:37,557 --> 00:14:41,160 Comedy is just as important... 'Portant...'Portant... 377 00:14:41,228 --> 00:14:45,097 Laughter is the best medicine... Medicine...Medicine... 378 00:14:45,164 --> 00:14:48,032 Damn it. I can't get Kenneth out of my head. 379 00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:50,034 Actually, he's behind you, tray. 380 00:14:50,102 --> 00:14:51,502 He rode over here with us. 381 00:14:51,570 --> 00:14:52,903 You talked to him the whole ride. 382 00:14:52,971 --> 00:14:54,170 Well, he's right. 383 00:14:54,238 --> 00:14:56,939 People do need to laugh, and I'm the medicine. 384 00:14:57,007 --> 00:14:58,640 What are you doing? 385 00:14:58,708 --> 00:15:00,843 Something I should have done a long time ago. 386 00:15:00,910 --> 00:15:03,011 A long time ago? You just got here. 387 00:15:00,910 --> 00:15:03,011 388 00:15:03,078 --> 00:15:05,680 Shut up, dotcom. 389 00:15:07,250 --> 00:15:09,084 Ladies and children, 390 00:15:09,152 --> 00:15:13,021 I give you The Chunks 2: A very chunky Christmas. 391 00:15:13,088 --> 00:15:15,791 Lights. 392 00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:19,661 Damn Christmas lights blew a... 393 00:15:19,729 --> 00:15:21,996 Aah! 394 00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:35,674 Well, this has turned out to be 395 00:15:35,742 --> 00:15:37,207 the opposite of what I wanted, 396 00:15:37,275 --> 00:15:39,839 and I'm gonna leave before anything else happens. 397 00:15:39,907 --> 00:15:41,340 So... Oh, my God. 398 00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:44,443 My arm is numb. 399 00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:45,978 What are you doing now, mother? 400 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,013 I think the stress... 401 00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:49,581 Don't go to her. 402 00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:50,916 Do you have shortness of breath? 403 00:15:50,983 --> 00:15:53,051 Are you sweating? Do you have a neck or jaw pain? 404 00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,087 I had a couple of rich men die on top of me. 405 00:15:55,154 --> 00:15:59,758 It's like something... Like my son 406 00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:01,227 sitting on my chest. 407 00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:02,862 We should call an ambulance. 408 00:16:02,930 --> 00:16:05,031 We are not calling anyone. 409 00:16:05,099 --> 00:16:07,534 What's the matter with you? Your mother's not well. 410 00:16:07,601 --> 00:16:10,234 Can't you see that she's faking, Milton? 411 00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:11,668 There. Did anybody see that? 412 00:16:14,738 --> 00:16:16,538 We have to call an ambulance. 413 00:16:16,606 --> 00:16:18,607 Listen to me, damn it. I'm a doctor. 414 00:16:18,675 --> 00:16:19,975 Of history. 415 00:16:20,043 --> 00:16:22,710 In what emergency would you be necessary... 416 00:16:22,778 --> 00:16:23,910 If someone wanted to know 417 00:16:23,978 --> 00:16:25,611 whether the '60s were awesome or not? 418 00:16:25,679 --> 00:16:27,445 - They were. - You hang in there. 419 00:16:27,513 --> 00:16:30,615 You need to meet our daughter, little Colleen. 420 00:16:30,682 --> 00:16:32,783 Seems like people are 421 00:16:32,850 --> 00:16:36,486 back on my side, Jackie. 422 00:16:38,822 --> 00:16:42,256 Paul, my ex-lover. 423 00:16:42,324 --> 00:16:44,358 Listen, I-I'm not here because I want to get back together. 424 00:16:44,426 --> 00:16:48,127 Good. Me neither. 425 00:16:48,195 --> 00:16:50,129 Can I get you a cup of coffee 426 00:16:50,197 --> 00:16:51,631 or an absinthe enema? 427 00:16:51,698 --> 00:16:53,599 No, thank you. I can't stay. 428 00:16:53,667 --> 00:16:55,267 I just wanted to let you know 429 00:16:55,334 --> 00:16:58,269 that I had an amazing idea for a couple's costume. 430 00:16:58,337 --> 00:16:59,504 Well, so did I. 431 00:16:59,571 --> 00:17:01,038 What's yours? 432 00:17:01,106 --> 00:17:03,273 Well, maybe we should just say them at the same time 433 00:17:03,340 --> 00:17:04,773 and see what happens. 434 00:17:04,841 --> 00:17:06,608 - You dress as Natalie Portman - I dress as Natalie Portman 435 00:17:06,676 --> 00:17:07,875 from the movie Black Swan, 436 00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:08,943 - and you dress - and I dress 437 00:17:09,010 --> 00:17:10,277 as former Pittsburgh Steelers 438 00:17:10,345 --> 00:17:12,746 Wide Receiver and Pennsylvania Gubernatorial Nominee 439 00:17:12,813 --> 00:17:13,981 Lynn Swann. 440 00:17:14,049 --> 00:17:16,550 We're two black swans. 441 00:17:18,352 --> 00:17:21,621 Well, it is a druid solstice miracle 442 00:17:21,688 --> 00:17:23,422 that it wasn't a heart attack. 443 00:17:23,490 --> 00:17:24,957 Yes, I do believe a heart is required. 444 00:17:25,024 --> 00:17:26,558 That is enough, Jack. 445 00:17:26,626 --> 00:17:29,126 What happened tonight was so scary, 446 00:17:29,194 --> 00:17:30,327 and the reason that it happened 447 00:17:30,395 --> 00:17:32,996 is that we were not being honest with each other. 448 00:17:33,064 --> 00:17:35,398 So from now on, no more secrets. 449 00:17:35,466 --> 00:17:37,800 Okay. I'll go first. 450 00:17:37,868 --> 00:17:39,468 I have a crush on the mentalist. 451 00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:41,237 Just family only, Lemon, damn it. 452 00:17:41,304 --> 00:17:43,872 There is one more secret 453 00:17:43,940 --> 00:17:46,975 Jack and I have been keeping from all of you. 454 00:17:47,042 --> 00:17:49,844 We were planning to elope in the Caribbean 455 00:17:49,911 --> 00:17:51,879 over new year's, but now we want you all to come. 456 00:17:51,947 --> 00:17:54,514 Oh! How wonderful. 457 00:17:54,582 --> 00:17:55,982 You know what I learned tonight? 458 00:17:56,050 --> 00:17:57,650 As hard as you try, 459 00:17:57,718 --> 00:17:59,752 no one can escape the horror of Christmas, 460 00:17:59,820 --> 00:18:02,187 so it might as well be with your own family. 461 00:18:02,255 --> 00:18:04,690 I'm gonna go get a bus to white haven now, 462 00:18:04,757 --> 00:18:06,958 and I should be home just in time 463 00:18:07,025 --> 00:18:08,959 for aunt Linda to try to prove that she's sober 464 00:18:09,027 --> 00:18:11,028 by holding someone's baby while cooking. 465 00:18:11,096 --> 00:18:13,463 Listen, Jackie, everything I've ever done 466 00:18:13,531 --> 00:18:16,533 in life has been to protect you. 467 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,868 I know. 468 00:18:18,935 --> 00:18:20,769 And if I got upset earlier, 469 00:18:20,837 --> 00:18:25,439 it's because I want your life to be perfect... 470 00:18:25,507 --> 00:18:26,640 Unlike mine. 471 00:18:26,707 --> 00:18:28,274 Don't let him off the hook, Colleen. 472 00:18:28,342 --> 00:18:31,810 What he did tonight was wrong, and he owes you an apology. 473 00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:35,212 He's right. I almost died. 474 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:39,649 And using your father like that is so disrespectful. 475 00:18:39,717 --> 00:18:41,851 He's a doctor, for God sakes. 476 00:18:41,919 --> 00:18:44,820 Your mother and I are very disappointed in you, Jack. 477 00:18:44,888 --> 00:18:48,557 What are you smiling at, you fruitcake? 478 00:18:48,625 --> 00:18:51,993 Just my mom and dad yelling at me together. 479 00:18:52,061 --> 00:18:53,895 Milton, the Clinton boom years 480 00:18:53,963 --> 00:18:55,864 were just an after-effect of reaganomics, 481 00:18:55,931 --> 00:18:59,300 and, mother, you cannot invite anyone 482 00:18:59,368 --> 00:19:00,801 to the wedding. What happened 483 00:19:00,869 --> 00:19:02,169 to the heart attack? Let me tell you something. 484 00:19:05,139 --> 00:19:06,739 You insult your own intelligence. 485 00:19:06,807 --> 00:19:08,407 I'll invite anybody I want to this wedding, 486 00:19:08,475 --> 00:19:10,841 to this wedding or any other wedding. 487 00:19:10,909 --> 00:19:12,343 ♪ It is the night ♪ 488 00:19:14,746 --> 00:19:15,878 ♪ Of our dear savior's birth ♪ 489 00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:18,247 You are a war criminal. I hate to say it. 490 00:19:18,315 --> 00:19:22,251 ♪ Long lay the world ♪ 491 00:19:22,319 --> 00:19:27,522 ♪ In sin and darkness pining ♪ 492 00:19:27,590 --> 00:19:30,124 ♪ Till he appeared ♪ 493 00:19:30,191 --> 00:19:36,164 ♪ And the soul felt his worth ♪ 494 00:19:36,232 --> 00:19:40,370 ♪ A thrill of hope ♪ 495 00:19:40,437 --> 00:19:44,472 ♪ The weary world rejoices ♪ 496 00:19:44,540 --> 00:19:48,542 ♪ For yonder breaks ♪ 497 00:19:48,610 --> 00:19:52,878 ♪ A new and glorious morn ♪ 498 00:19:52,945 --> 00:19:55,646 ♪ Fall ♪ 499 00:19:55,714 --> 00:20:00,483 ♪ On your knees ♪ 500 00:20:00,550 --> 00:20:03,652 ♪ Oh, hear ♪ 501 00:20:03,719 --> 00:20:08,723 ♪The angel voices ♪ 502 00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:12,294 ♪ Oh, night ♪ 503 00:20:12,361 --> 00:20:15,763 ♪ Divine ♪ 504 00:20:15,830 --> 00:20:19,632 ♪ Oh, night ♪ 505 00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:23,737 ♪ When Christ was born ♪ 506 00:20:23,804 --> 00:20:27,974 ♪ Oh, night ♪ 507 00:20:28,042 --> 00:20:31,911 ♪ Divine ♪ 508 00:20:31,979 --> 00:20:35,314 ♪ Oh, night ♪ 509 00:20:35,382 --> 00:20:37,850 ♪ When Christ was born ♪ 510 00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:42,415 ♪ Oh, holy night ♪ 511 00:20:42,483 --> 00:20:44,217 ♪ The stars ♪ 512 00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:49,655 ♪ Are brightly shining ♪ 513 00:20:49,723 --> 00:20:52,557 ♪ It is the night ♪ 514 00:20:52,625 --> 00:20:57,027 ♪ Of the dear savior's birth ♪ 515 00:20:57,095 --> 00:20:58,829 And I hope everybody, 516 00:20:58,896 --> 00:21:01,465 everybody have a merry Christmas. 517 00:21:01,532 --> 00:21:03,233 And somebody needs to clean this table up. 518 00:21:03,301 --> 00:21:04,201 It's disgusting. 519 00:21:04,211 --> 00:21:07,811 Fred, wake up. Merry Christmas from The Chunks.