1 00:00:05,279 --> 00:00:09,683 ♪ ... brave♪ 2 00:00:09,717 --> 00:00:12,886 Jason, I really like your look. 3 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:14,454 You had it poppin' tonight. 4 00:00:14,488 --> 00:00:15,839 I totally disagree. 5 00:00:15,873 --> 00:00:17,874 Because I love your look. 6 00:00:17,925 --> 00:00:19,342 You're a star. 7 00:00:19,377 --> 00:00:20,844 [Applause] Believe in your dreams. 8 00:00:20,878 --> 00:00:22,863 - Thank you. - Jason, 9 00:00:22,897 --> 00:00:25,899 have you ever put out a cigar on Gilbert Gottfried's neck? 10 00:00:25,933 --> 00:00:27,767 Because I have, and his screams 11 00:00:27,802 --> 00:00:29,603 were the worst thing I'd ever heard. 12 00:00:29,637 --> 00:00:31,021 Until tonight. 13 00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:32,805 Congratulations, you're a disgrace. 14 00:00:32,823 --> 00:00:36,309 [Crowd boos] 15 00:00:36,327 --> 00:00:38,695 ♪ Shoo-bee-doo-bee, shoo-bee-doo-bee-doobee ♪ 16 00:00:38,746 --> 00:00:40,368 ♪ shoo-bee-doo-bee 17 00:00:40,369 --> 00:00:42,982 Ah! I rolled my ankle. God! 18 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,284 Also, Jason, if you think you're passing for straight, 19 00:00:44,318 --> 00:00:46,819 you're embarrassing yourself. 20 00:00:46,837 --> 00:00:48,955 17 million people watched that show last night. 21 00:00:48,989 --> 00:00:50,824 Not me. I've got better things to do 22 00:00:50,858 --> 00:00:52,826 than watch Jenna humiliate children. 23 00:00:52,860 --> 00:00:55,428 So you don't care that Shayla made it to the next round? 24 00:00:55,463 --> 00:00:57,964 - How? She is so pitchy. - What can I tell you? 25 00:00:57,999 --> 00:01:00,934 The audience just loves Shayla's personal story. 26 00:01:00,968 --> 00:01:04,838 Did you know that both her mothers are serial killers? 27 00:01:04,872 --> 00:01:06,740 That's America. 28 00:01:06,774 --> 00:01:10,193 ♪ Shoo-bee-doo-bee, shoo-bee-doo-bee-doobee ♪ 29 00:01:10,228 --> 00:01:12,862 So, did you miss me over the break? 30 00:01:12,897 --> 00:01:15,732 Of course. A little less than my kidnapped wife, 31 00:01:15,783 --> 00:01:17,234 but I did get a nice Christmas card 32 00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:20,554 from Avery and Kim Jong-Un. 33 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:25,625 At least I had some quality time with Liddy. 34 00:01:25,660 --> 00:01:28,861 She's like a little human tumbler of scotch. 35 00:01:28,879 --> 00:01:30,297 You turning soft on me, Donaghy? 36 00:01:30,331 --> 00:01:32,265 If you want, I can recommend a good gynecologist. 37 00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,934 You know, 'cause I really like my guy. 38 00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:35,385 He's sort of a doogie howser type. 39 00:01:35,419 --> 00:01:36,703 But younger. 40 00:01:36,737 --> 00:01:39,239 [Elevator dings and opens] 41 00:01:41,842 --> 00:01:43,043 Aren't you going to ask me how my... 42 00:01:43,077 --> 00:01:45,879 No. I know exactly how your holidays were. 43 00:01:45,913 --> 00:01:47,414 You took the train to your parents' house. 44 00:01:47,448 --> 00:01:51,651 On Christmas Eve, you forgot that eggnog has alcohol in it, 45 00:01:51,686 --> 00:01:53,119 and got into a shoving match with your aunt 46 00:01:53,154 --> 00:01:54,788 about who puts the star on top of the tree. 47 00:01:54,822 --> 00:01:56,222 It was my year! 48 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:58,091 What, lupus lets you just cut the line? 49 00:01:58,125 --> 00:01:59,726 You received two sweaters that you didn't really like 50 00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:01,828 and got your dad a book on world war ii that he already owned. 51 00:02:01,862 --> 00:02:04,698 Wow, you really think you know everything about me, don't you? 52 00:02:04,732 --> 00:02:05,765 Yes, after six years I really do. 53 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:06,766 Well, I will have you know 54 00:02:06,801 --> 00:02:08,368 that there are aspects of my life 55 00:02:08,402 --> 00:02:10,537 about which you know nothing. 56 00:02:10,571 --> 00:02:12,255 [Elevator dings and opens] 57 00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:13,740 Take off that jacket. 58 00:02:13,774 --> 00:02:15,542 If you're not wearing one of those Christmas sweaters 59 00:02:15,576 --> 00:02:18,011 out of guilt, I'll give you $1,000. 60 00:02:18,045 --> 00:02:20,213 Wrong, Jack. 'Cause they weren't sweaters. 61 00:02:20,247 --> 00:02:21,765 They were Dickies! 62 00:02:21,799 --> 00:02:23,049 [Gasps] 63 00:02:23,084 --> 00:02:24,684 Happy 2012! 64 00:02:24,719 --> 00:02:26,119 [Elevator dings and closes] 65 00:02:26,153 --> 00:02:29,122 [Exciting jazz music] 66 00:02:29,156 --> 00:02:33,163 ♪ 67 00:02:40,885 --> 00:02:45,385 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com 68 00:02:46,907 --> 00:02:50,877 Good morning, Mr. Rossitano. 69 00:02:50,911 --> 00:02:52,078 I'm sorry you're going to hell. 70 00:02:52,113 --> 00:02:53,713 That's okay. How was your break? 71 00:02:53,748 --> 00:02:54,609 Wonderful. 72 00:02:54,610 --> 00:02:58,051 Reverend Gary did the math, and guess what? 73 00:02:58,085 --> 00:02:59,969 The world is ending tomorrow! 74 00:03:00,004 --> 00:03:01,338 And you're happy about that? 75 00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:03,757 Oh, of course. I get to go to heaven 76 00:03:03,791 --> 00:03:06,393 and receive my reward! 77 00:03:06,427 --> 00:03:11,181 72 virgin margaritas, hold the salt. 78 00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:14,901 Oh, I'm sorry I won't be seeing you in heaven, Mr. Spurlock. 79 00:03:14,935 --> 00:03:19,239 But on the bright side, black hell does have a jukebox. 80 00:03:19,273 --> 00:03:21,825 So you think this is your last day on Earth. 81 00:03:21,859 --> 00:03:24,077 Well, I'll leave the thinking to other religions. 82 00:03:24,111 --> 00:03:26,112 Well, you must have things you want to do before you die. 83 00:03:26,146 --> 00:03:27,697 Is the sky blue? 84 00:03:27,748 --> 00:03:29,916 Until tomorrow, when it will be on fire. 85 00:03:29,950 --> 00:03:31,534 Then you should go and do them. 86 00:03:31,585 --> 00:03:32,786 I came across the following quote 87 00:03:32,820 --> 00:03:34,871 on the side of a tampon box this Christmas. 88 00:03:34,922 --> 00:03:37,257 "Work like you don't need the money. 89 00:03:37,291 --> 00:03:38,958 "Love like you've never been hurt. 90 00:03:38,992 --> 00:03:41,127 "Dance like nobody's watching. 91 00:03:41,162 --> 00:03:44,731 Enjoy these satchel Paige brand tampons." 92 00:03:44,765 --> 00:03:46,182 You know what miss Lemon? I will do that. 93 00:03:46,217 --> 00:03:48,301 Thank you. 94 00:03:48,335 --> 00:03:50,353 You're just giving him the day off? 95 00:03:50,388 --> 00:03:51,688 That's awfully nice. 96 00:03:51,722 --> 00:03:52,706 I'm a nice person. 97 00:03:52,740 --> 00:03:54,441 Because I'm a happy person. 98 00:03:54,475 --> 00:03:55,742 My happiness makes me nice. 99 00:03:55,776 --> 00:03:57,143 Also, maybe I'm in a good mood 100 00:03:57,177 --> 00:04:00,480 because I'm not being weighed down by redundant torso fabric. 101 00:04:00,514 --> 00:04:04,734 - What does that mean? - Wouldn't you like to know? 102 00:04:06,620 --> 00:04:08,054 Amazing news, Liz. 103 00:04:08,089 --> 00:04:10,740 I made the People magazine crossword. 104 00:04:10,791 --> 00:04:13,693 One across, five letters, 105 00:04:13,711 --> 00:04:16,162 "Jenna Maroney's first name". 106 00:04:16,196 --> 00:04:17,914 Wow! Congratulations. 107 00:04:17,965 --> 00:04:19,666 Because of America's kidz got singing, 108 00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:21,367 I am blowing up. 109 00:04:21,402 --> 00:04:24,587 When you Google "Jenna Maroney" now, I come up first. 110 00:04:24,638 --> 00:04:27,674 Not the Jenna Maroney who electrocuted all those horses. 111 00:04:27,708 --> 00:04:28,942 Jenna, that was you. 112 00:04:28,976 --> 00:04:32,178 Anyway, I'll be back for rehearsal after I tape the show. 113 00:04:32,213 --> 00:04:34,881 Talent walking! 114 00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:37,350 This has nothing to do with Jenna's success 115 00:04:37,384 --> 00:04:38,685 that I'm jealous of, 116 00:04:38,719 --> 00:04:40,019 but if that yellow-haired bag of teeth 117 00:04:40,054 --> 00:04:41,955 keeps me waiting for rehearsal, 118 00:04:41,989 --> 00:04:45,091 I will set my dressing room on fire. 119 00:04:45,126 --> 00:04:48,695 Okay, first of all, Tracy, you know you're the real star. 120 00:04:48,729 --> 00:04:50,654 Huh. You know what? 121 00:04:50,655 --> 00:04:52,782 I'm not doing this. 122 00:04:52,833 --> 00:04:54,100 - But I'm acting out. - Right. 123 00:04:54,135 --> 00:04:55,902 And I know it'll all blow over eventually, 124 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,838 and so I'm just going to skip the exhausting middle part. 125 00:05:00,274 --> 00:05:01,791 But you're supposed to control me. 126 00:05:01,842 --> 00:05:03,676 You're Liz Lemon. That's what you do! 127 00:05:03,711 --> 00:05:06,846 You're a 42-year-old man. 128 00:05:06,881 --> 00:05:08,014 No, I'm not. 129 00:05:08,048 --> 00:05:10,583 I took a real age test. It said I'm dead. 130 00:05:10,601 --> 00:05:12,635 Hey, I was just going to call you. 131 00:05:12,686 --> 00:05:14,020 You wanna watch today's Kidz taping? 132 00:05:14,054 --> 00:05:15,488 We're kicking off "Public domain week". 133 00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:18,525 This week, America's kids sing really old songs 134 00:05:18,559 --> 00:05:21,227 that everyone knows and NBC doesn't have to pay for. 135 00:05:21,262 --> 00:05:22,929 - It's brilliant. - Wow, more money. 136 00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:24,647 This thing's a real cash cow. 137 00:05:24,698 --> 00:05:28,668 Unlike cash cow, the failed NBC spin-off of cash cab. 138 00:05:28,702 --> 00:05:31,270 You try riding a cow through midtown Manhattan, Lemon. 139 00:05:31,288 --> 00:05:32,772 The animal will panic. 140 00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:34,741 Right. Anyway, I was just going to call you 141 00:05:34,775 --> 00:05:37,744 because I'm wondering why I received an email 142 00:05:37,778 --> 00:05:39,712 confirming my membership in a dating service 143 00:05:39,747 --> 00:05:42,415 called desperationships.com. 144 00:05:42,449 --> 00:05:43,917 Because after 6 years, I know you're depressed 145 00:05:43,951 --> 00:05:45,351 after spending the holidays alone. 146 00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:46,719 I'm not depressed, Jack. 147 00:05:46,754 --> 00:05:48,688 And I don't need some dumb dating website. 148 00:05:48,722 --> 00:05:50,723 What if I told you your first match 149 00:05:50,758 --> 00:05:54,727 burned his groin off in an accident at his cake shop. 150 00:05:54,762 --> 00:05:56,763 - No. Not interested. - Five minutes. 151 00:05:56,797 --> 00:05:59,432 Show's getting started. I'd better get in there. 152 00:05:59,466 --> 00:06:00,633 I'll see you soon. 153 00:06:00,668 --> 00:06:01,701 Five minutes to tape, everyone. 154 00:06:01,735 --> 00:06:03,353 Die, you blonde bitch! 155 00:06:03,404 --> 00:06:06,005 Thank you. [Crowd booing] 156 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:10,076 ♪ Turkey in the straw, Turkey in the hay ♪ 157 00:06:10,110 --> 00:06:12,712 ♪ Turkey in the straw, Turkey in the hay ♪ 158 00:06:12,746 --> 00:06:14,214 ♪ roll 'em up and...♪ 159 00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:16,749 Is that your daughter? She's adorable. 160 00:06:16,784 --> 00:06:19,352 Thanks. She's my angel. 161 00:06:19,386 --> 00:06:21,221 Her name's Liddy. 162 00:06:21,255 --> 00:06:24,323 Oh. Ha. That's odd, because my daughter's name... 163 00:06:24,341 --> 00:06:25,758 I'm going to interrupt you right there, Liddy. 164 00:06:25,793 --> 00:06:29,028 Terrible song selection. You were sharp. 165 00:06:29,063 --> 00:06:30,697 And I'm about to get raw with you. 166 00:06:30,731 --> 00:06:32,732 You're weird looking, Liddy. [Crowd boos] 167 00:06:32,766 --> 00:06:34,100 Even if you could sing, 168 00:06:34,134 --> 00:06:35,768 with that face it would be like 169 00:06:35,803 --> 00:06:37,353 eating a steak that just came out of a dumpster. 170 00:06:37,388 --> 00:06:39,672 - I've done that. - Here's my advice, Liddy. 171 00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:41,674 Go work on your presentation. 172 00:06:41,709 --> 00:06:44,444 Take voice lessons. Then seal yourself in a barrel, 173 00:06:44,478 --> 00:06:46,012 and fall off of the waterfall. 174 00:06:46,046 --> 00:06:48,414 You leave Liddy alone! 175 00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:51,384 I need it quiet to record my catchphrase. 176 00:06:51,418 --> 00:06:52,685 Sebastian, I'm going to give you a few options. 177 00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:54,754 - Love it, Jenna! Go. - Is this your show? 178 00:06:54,788 --> 00:06:57,457 Liddy, go jump back up your mother. 179 00:06:57,491 --> 00:07:00,793 Liddy, go jump back up your mother. 180 00:07:00,828 --> 00:07:03,730 Go jump back up your mother, Liddy. 181 00:07:03,764 --> 00:07:05,331 Yeah, I like the third one for me, 182 00:07:05,366 --> 00:07:07,233 and her crying on the second one. 183 00:07:07,268 --> 00:07:09,402 I love it. Brilliant, Jenna. 184 00:07:18,172 --> 00:07:19,605 [Thud, clatter] 185 00:07:20,894 --> 00:07:22,762 Hello, Mr. Hornberger. 186 00:07:22,794 --> 00:07:23,894 Kenneth, what are you doing? 187 00:07:23,928 --> 00:07:25,929 Sir, this chiquita banana sticker had been stuck 188 00:07:25,964 --> 00:07:27,898 to that ceiling for years. 189 00:07:27,932 --> 00:07:29,767 So I finally scraped it off. 190 00:07:29,801 --> 00:07:31,769 No, listen. You can do whatever you want today. 191 00:07:31,803 --> 00:07:34,438 I know! Isn't it great? 192 00:07:34,472 --> 00:07:36,973 I'm finally doing my dream chores. 193 00:07:36,992 --> 00:07:39,009 Give me that. 194 00:07:39,044 --> 00:07:39,943 "Scrape sticker off ceiling, 195 00:07:39,978 --> 00:07:42,680 "fix that humming noise only I can hear, 196 00:07:42,714 --> 00:07:44,981 organize snack table by food jewishness..." 197 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,484 Kenneth, this stuff isn't even your job. 198 00:07:47,502 --> 00:07:50,688 That's why they're dream chores. 199 00:07:50,722 --> 00:07:52,006 Look, if it was my last day on Earth 200 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,924 I wouldn't be here, I'd be with Paula, 201 00:07:53,958 --> 00:07:56,210 admitting I'm in love with her twin sister. 202 00:07:56,261 --> 00:07:58,295 Kenneth, we were just out on the Plaza, 203 00:07:58,330 --> 00:08:00,964 and four flaming horses rode by. 204 00:08:00,998 --> 00:08:02,216 Reverend Gary says 205 00:08:02,267 --> 00:08:05,686 super-gay horses are one of the signs of the apocalypse. 206 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,138 Exactly! The end is nigh. 207 00:08:08,172 --> 00:08:11,141 You should raise your hopes up even higher than they are now. 208 00:08:11,176 --> 00:08:14,010 I will. I did! 209 00:08:19,117 --> 00:08:20,200 We have a problem, Liz Lemon. 210 00:08:20,235 --> 00:08:21,368 I just remembered, 211 00:08:21,403 --> 00:08:23,087 I started a camp for underprivileged kids 212 00:08:23,121 --> 00:08:24,354 last summer. 213 00:08:24,372 --> 00:08:27,207 We have to drive upstate to see if any of them are still alive. 214 00:08:27,242 --> 00:08:29,159 That sounds like a Tracy problem, Tracy. 215 00:08:29,193 --> 00:08:30,878 Okay, how about this? I'm changing my name. 216 00:08:30,912 --> 00:08:33,163 From now on everyone has to address me as 217 00:08:33,197 --> 00:08:35,499 "the gentleman formerly known as rectum." 218 00:08:35,533 --> 00:08:37,418 [Laughs] Pay attention to me, L.L, 219 00:08:37,469 --> 00:08:40,237 or else I'm going to do something self-destructive. 220 00:08:40,271 --> 00:08:43,057 For example: I just got an honorary sheriff's badge, 221 00:08:43,091 --> 00:08:45,008 and I'm going to start making real arrests. 222 00:08:45,042 --> 00:08:46,093 - Great. - I just realized, 223 00:08:46,144 --> 00:08:48,011 I haven't paid taxes in 30 years. 224 00:08:48,045 --> 00:08:48,946 Oh, we're not doing the pre-tape tonight 225 00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:50,514 because I'm leaving at 6:00. 226 00:08:50,548 --> 00:08:52,099 What's going on with you? Why are you acting so weird? 227 00:08:52,150 --> 00:08:53,767 I don't know what you're talking about. 228 00:08:53,818 --> 00:08:54,852 You're not doing your job. 229 00:08:54,886 --> 00:08:56,186 You're laughing at rectum jokes, 230 00:08:56,221 --> 00:08:58,889 you're leaving early. Did we switch brains? 231 00:08:58,907 --> 00:09:00,791 Why am I not feeling your boobs? 232 00:09:00,825 --> 00:09:03,794 Baah! What is happening!? 233 00:09:05,096 --> 00:09:06,730 Jenna. 234 00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:09,750 We need to talk about Kidz. 235 00:09:09,784 --> 00:09:12,035 Did you see last night's ratings? 236 00:09:12,069 --> 00:09:14,538 The only show I've ever been on that got a 10.2 237 00:09:14,572 --> 00:09:15,589 was when Mickey Rourke threw me onto the field 238 00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:17,073 during the super bowl. 239 00:09:17,092 --> 00:09:18,809 Obviously I'm thrilled about the show's success, 240 00:09:18,843 --> 00:09:22,045 but I wanted to talk to you about your...onscreen persona. 241 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:24,581 I had an idea... Two words: B.B. Gun. 242 00:09:24,599 --> 00:09:27,050 Actually, I think the mean thing may have run its course. 243 00:09:27,084 --> 00:09:30,587 What if you went the other way, and you were nice to the kids? 244 00:09:30,622 --> 00:09:31,939 Well, no. 245 00:09:31,973 --> 00:09:34,825 I mean, being the nice one is McEnroe’s thing. 246 00:09:34,859 --> 00:09:38,094 Ah, yes, well, we've done some focus testing, and frankly 247 00:09:38,113 --> 00:09:40,597 I haven't seen such a unanimously negative response 248 00:09:40,615 --> 00:09:43,300 since the Frasier spin-off, hey, Roz. 249 00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:45,402 Jenna, they hate you. 250 00:09:45,436 --> 00:09:49,072 No, Jack. They love to hate me. 251 00:09:49,107 --> 00:09:51,942 Kidz is minting money for both of us. 252 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,961 And what's more important than money? 253 00:09:53,995 --> 00:09:55,779 Well, perhaps we could make even more money 254 00:09:55,814 --> 00:09:56,964 by pretending to be nice. 255 00:09:56,998 --> 00:09:58,482 I mean, look at Betty White. 256 00:09:58,516 --> 00:10:02,686 End of discussion. Just ease off on the kids. 257 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:03,804 Look, according to Tracy, 258 00:10:03,838 --> 00:10:05,472 people are switching minds around here. 259 00:10:05,507 --> 00:10:07,624 That's obviously what's happened. 260 00:10:07,659 --> 00:10:11,662 So whoever you are, show me Jack's penis. 261 00:10:12,847 --> 00:10:14,014 That's for you. 262 00:10:17,035 --> 00:10:19,520 Damn, I've got to get more of these. 263 00:10:22,073 --> 00:10:24,041 [Hand farts] 264 00:10:24,075 --> 00:10:25,843 [Laughing] I don't know what this is, 265 00:10:25,877 --> 00:10:27,978 but I like it. Ha, finally. 266 00:10:27,996 --> 00:10:29,997 After 6 years, I've cheered up miss Lemon. 267 00:10:30,031 --> 00:10:32,115 That was on your list? 268 00:10:32,149 --> 00:10:33,951 I'm not always in a bad mood. And I happen to be 269 00:10:33,985 --> 00:10:35,619 in a really good place right now. 270 00:10:35,653 --> 00:10:37,120 Well, enjoy it while you can, 271 00:10:37,154 --> 00:10:39,990 because tomorrow, you're going to women's hell. 272 00:10:40,024 --> 00:10:42,843 Uh, also, FYI, women's hell is the same as 273 00:10:42,877 --> 00:10:45,062 aroused dog heaven. Kenneth. 274 00:10:45,096 --> 00:10:48,665 Why are you still here? This is your last day on Earth. 275 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:50,000 There's so much you haven't done. 276 00:10:50,034 --> 00:10:52,219 Oh, sir, I've done plenty. 277 00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:54,137 Oh, really? Have you ever been in love? 278 00:10:54,171 --> 00:10:55,839 Only while playing tennis. 279 00:10:55,874 --> 00:10:57,558 I'm kidding. I've never played tennis. 280 00:10:57,609 --> 00:10:59,409 Have you ever been in an airplane? 281 00:10:59,444 --> 00:11:01,678 Well, does falling off a bridge in a horse cart count? 282 00:11:01,713 --> 00:11:04,414 Have you ever stood on a beach and watched the sun rise? 283 00:11:04,449 --> 00:11:06,116 Sir, I've never even seen the ocean. 284 00:11:06,150 --> 00:11:07,951 Never? Kenneth, that's insane. 285 00:11:07,986 --> 00:11:11,922 We were all put on this crazy blue marble for a reason... 286 00:11:11,956 --> 00:11:14,758 - To love, and live. - What is going on with you? 287 00:11:14,792 --> 00:11:17,127 Everyone's talking about how weird you're acting. 288 00:11:17,161 --> 00:11:18,579 - What are you on? - You know what? 289 00:11:18,630 --> 00:11:20,831 I have seen the ocean on a can of tuna. 290 00:11:20,865 --> 00:11:23,250 Newsflash, Kenneth! Everybody get down! 291 00:11:23,301 --> 00:11:25,302 It's not going to happen. The world's not ending. 292 00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:28,171 Oh, the rapture is happening, sir. 293 00:11:28,206 --> 00:11:30,140 Mr. Rossitano said he saw the snakes 294 00:11:30,174 --> 00:11:32,142 making peace with the mice. 295 00:11:32,176 --> 00:11:34,144 You're like a child. He's messing with you. 296 00:11:34,178 --> 00:11:35,712 And you know what? 297 00:11:35,730 --> 00:11:37,814 In the words of my father, "you deserve to be disappointed. 298 00:11:37,849 --> 00:11:40,901 Merry Christmas." 299 00:11:42,854 --> 00:11:44,104 [Hand fart] 300 00:11:44,155 --> 00:11:45,756 [Laughing] 301 00:11:47,191 --> 00:11:48,609 Can I talk to you, Jennifer? 302 00:11:48,660 --> 00:11:50,944 Tracy, how do nice people dress? 303 00:11:50,995 --> 00:11:52,946 Socks on their hands, no belt, roller skates. 304 00:11:52,997 --> 00:11:55,616 Do you think Liz Lemon has been acting weird lately? 305 00:11:55,667 --> 00:11:57,000 She's hiding something from us. 306 00:11:57,035 --> 00:11:58,619 Like what? A present? For me? 307 00:11:58,670 --> 00:12:00,270 Can I return it for cash? 308 00:12:00,305 --> 00:12:01,338 No, this is bigger than that. 309 00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,173 Something like a sex-change operation 310 00:12:03,207 --> 00:12:07,010 or a secret pregnancy or a radioactive spider bite. 311 00:12:07,045 --> 00:12:09,012 I've got to get her focus back on me, 312 00:12:09,047 --> 00:12:11,014 or who knows the dumb stuff I'm going to start doing? 313 00:12:11,049 --> 00:12:14,101 Is that why you're not wearing pants right now? 314 00:12:14,135 --> 00:12:16,853 Yes! I'm actually glad this happened. 315 00:12:16,888 --> 00:12:18,121 You're proving my point. 316 00:12:18,156 --> 00:12:19,957 Look, if you think something's going on with Liz, 317 00:12:19,991 --> 00:12:21,258 just follow her. 318 00:12:21,292 --> 00:12:23,477 Steal her mail, go through her trash. 319 00:12:23,528 --> 00:12:25,329 That's what Paul and I do to maintain intimacy 320 00:12:25,363 --> 00:12:27,130 when he's having his period. 321 00:12:27,165 --> 00:12:28,966 Thanks J-Mo. Great advice. 322 00:12:30,234 --> 00:12:33,670 ♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA, Oh, LA LA LA LA LA ♪ 323 00:12:33,705 --> 00:12:35,455 ♪Oh♪ 324 00:12:47,819 --> 00:12:50,153 ♪ yes, I know the muffin man ♪ 325 00:12:50,188 --> 00:12:52,956 ♪ he lives on♪ 326 00:12:52,991 --> 00:12:58,428 ♪ drury lane♪ 327 00:13:00,298 --> 00:13:02,099 Breathtaking. 328 00:13:02,133 --> 00:13:04,801 You're the wind beneath my wings. 329 00:13:04,836 --> 00:13:07,104 [Applause] 330 00:13:07,138 --> 00:13:09,973 - Brock... 331 00:13:10,008 --> 00:13:13,977 - I...like what you did. 332 00:13:14,012 --> 00:13:16,580 That was good singing. 333 00:13:16,614 --> 00:13:19,416 You don't have a little rat face, 334 00:13:19,450 --> 00:13:22,285 you opposite of a turd with eyes. 335 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:24,187 [Hesitant clapping] 336 00:13:24,222 --> 00:13:25,989 Why are you messing with perfection, Jack? 337 00:13:26,024 --> 00:13:28,792 You need to remember that reality television is formulaic 338 00:13:28,826 --> 00:13:29,926 before you get us canceled. 339 00:13:29,961 --> 00:13:31,461 Because I will not go back 340 00:13:31,495 --> 00:13:33,697 to putting hair extensions on dogs. 341 00:13:33,731 --> 00:13:34,998 Easy, d'Fwan. 342 00:13:35,033 --> 00:13:36,833 Yeah, we have a problem, 343 00:13:36,851 --> 00:13:38,168 but we're going to get through it, 344 00:13:38,202 --> 00:13:39,503 'cause we're family. 345 00:13:39,537 --> 00:13:42,005 It's not working. You're ruining the show. 346 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,007 You think I don't know that it's not working, Jenna. 347 00:13:44,042 --> 00:13:46,109 Next week Jay-Z was going to do a duet 348 00:13:46,144 --> 00:13:47,477 with one of the spinning chairs from the Voice, 349 00:13:47,512 --> 00:13:50,947 and the chair just pulled out. 350 00:13:50,982 --> 00:13:53,116 You're off the leash, Jenna. 351 00:13:54,152 --> 00:13:56,036 Did you see what happened here? 352 00:13:56,070 --> 00:13:59,122 We turned an argument into an opportunity 353 00:13:59,157 --> 00:14:01,541 to become better friends. 354 00:14:01,576 --> 00:14:04,361 All: Aw. 355 00:14:06,297 --> 00:14:07,631 [Elevator dings] 356 00:14:11,368 --> 00:14:13,103 I'll see you in heaven, Mr. Jordan. 357 00:14:13,137 --> 00:14:16,006 Ken, I only have room in my brain for one problem, 358 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:17,908 so I'm not really absorbing what you're saying. 359 00:14:17,942 --> 00:14:21,144 I have to go through Liz Lemon's trash before she gets in. 360 00:14:21,179 --> 00:14:23,063 You're at work before miss Lemon? 361 00:14:23,097 --> 00:14:26,983 Now, that's a sign of the apocalypse. 362 00:14:27,018 --> 00:14:29,119 [Both laughing] 363 00:14:33,458 --> 00:14:34,441 Time to die. 364 00:14:37,136 --> 00:14:39,525 You know what Emma? That was pretty good. 365 00:14:39,613 --> 00:14:41,548 You were trying to get me to commit suicide, right? 366 00:14:41,582 --> 00:14:43,783 [Crowd boos] 367 00:14:48,856 --> 00:14:50,757 Liddy, thank you for coming in. 368 00:14:50,791 --> 00:14:52,492 I know you have to read your books with sleepy bear 369 00:14:52,526 --> 00:14:55,662 in half an hour, so I'll make this brief. 370 00:14:55,696 --> 00:14:59,265 You're almost one now, and you have to understand 371 00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:02,201 the way the world works. 372 00:15:02,236 --> 00:15:04,504 Now, I don't know if you've seen America's kidz got singing, 373 00:15:04,538 --> 00:15:06,072 but it's a hit. 374 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,540 Variety called it "Boffo," 375 00:15:07,575 --> 00:15:10,276 and they don't throw that word around lightly. 376 00:15:10,311 --> 00:15:12,412 However, there are large portions of the show 377 00:15:12,446 --> 00:15:13,846 that feature Jenna insulting children 378 00:15:13,881 --> 00:15:16,349 not much older than yourself. 379 00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:17,584 I know what you're thinking... 380 00:15:17,618 --> 00:15:19,385 "Do you really care about the bottom line 381 00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:21,387 "more than the feelings of helpless innocents? 382 00:15:21,422 --> 00:15:23,556 That's cruel." Well, guess what Liddy. 383 00:15:23,591 --> 00:15:25,058 Life is cruel. 384 00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,627 Sometimes in business, there's collateral damage. 385 00:15:27,661 --> 00:15:28,778 And if you think I'm going to turn my back 386 00:15:28,829 --> 00:15:34,100 on a 10.2/4.2 in the demo just because I feel bad... 387 00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:38,104 Just because those kids had the same scared look on their faces 388 00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:39,305 that you had when that dog 389 00:15:39,340 --> 00:15:41,240 got too close to your stroller in the park. 390 00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:42,508 And yes, being a parent 391 00:15:42,543 --> 00:15:46,078 is like wearing your heart outside your body. 392 00:15:46,096 --> 00:15:48,081 And I don't want you to know that the world 393 00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,550 is really a scary, disappointing place. 394 00:15:50,584 --> 00:15:52,852 You shouldn't have to know that, not yet. 395 00:15:52,886 --> 00:15:55,521 [Crying] Oh, God. 396 00:15:55,556 --> 00:15:58,808 I have to cancel the show. 397 00:15:58,859 --> 00:16:01,060 What are you doing, Liddy? 398 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:06,399 Are you touching my hand because...you're a baby 399 00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:08,868 and you're developing your fine motor skills? 400 00:16:08,902 --> 00:16:11,671 Or are you trying to tell me something? 401 00:16:11,705 --> 00:16:12,822 What are you trying to tell me? 402 00:16:12,873 --> 00:16:13,823 Mommy. 403 00:16:13,874 --> 00:16:15,775 Did you say "money"? 404 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:17,744 Is that your first word... money? 405 00:16:17,778 --> 00:16:19,245 Mommy. 406 00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:20,913 - Yes, money. 407 00:16:20,948 --> 00:16:22,715 Are you telling me that money's more important 408 00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:23,783 than doing what's right? 409 00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:25,718 That I should keep on doing the show? 410 00:16:25,753 --> 00:16:26,719 I want mommy. 411 00:16:26,754 --> 00:16:28,554 I want money too! 412 00:16:28,589 --> 00:16:31,090 Oh, thank you, Liddy. 413 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:34,293 Thank you for convincing me to do the right thing. 414 00:16:34,311 --> 00:16:35,528 Aw. 415 00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,129 Hey, think how disappointed I am. 416 00:16:37,147 --> 00:16:39,032 I mean, I'm the... 417 00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:44,470 I'm the one who had to nude-baptize all those teens. 418 00:16:44,488 --> 00:16:45,805 Hey, buddy. 419 00:16:45,823 --> 00:16:48,324 Are you here to make fun of me, sir? 420 00:16:48,359 --> 00:16:50,993 Well go ahead, make fun of the super-handsome guy 421 00:16:51,028 --> 00:16:52,912 who believed too much. 422 00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:54,313 I don't want to make fun of you. 423 00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:55,415 I know you're disappointed. 424 00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:57,817 I just wish I had a magic wand 425 00:16:57,851 --> 00:16:58,984 - to make it all... gah! - Ah, Kenneth, 426 00:16:59,002 --> 00:17:01,821 it's all real. The beast is here. 427 00:17:01,839 --> 00:17:04,590 Aah! Redire ad abyssum! 428 00:17:04,625 --> 00:17:05,925 Princeps tenebrarum! 429 00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:07,377 Ow! It's me, Lutz. 430 00:17:07,428 --> 00:17:08,378 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 431 00:17:08,429 --> 00:17:09,996 Stop. 432 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,131 Toofer. Frank. Get out here. 433 00:17:14,435 --> 00:17:16,853 You three are in a time-out. 434 00:17:16,887 --> 00:17:19,055 Everybody in the van! 435 00:17:25,646 --> 00:17:27,196 Liz Lemon is a crack whore. 436 00:17:27,231 --> 00:17:28,748 Probably not, but continue. 437 00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:30,183 It's the only explanation. 438 00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,518 She's on a ho stroll to pay for her drug habit. 439 00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:34,620 I followed her last night, J.D. 440 00:17:34,655 --> 00:17:36,572 She went down to Penn Station. 441 00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:40,042 And not the fun stationery store up on the Upper East Side. 442 00:17:40,077 --> 00:17:41,661 The skeezy one with trains. 443 00:17:41,695 --> 00:17:45,965 Well, there has to be some other explanation. 444 00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:47,366 Are you sure it was Liz Lemon 445 00:17:47,384 --> 00:17:48,835 and not present day Sally Field? 446 00:17:48,869 --> 00:17:50,035 I know it's crazy. 447 00:17:50,053 --> 00:17:54,474 But ever since we got back from Kwanzaa... 448 00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:56,542 She's been acting all weird. 449 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,177 All relaxed and not angry. 450 00:17:58,212 --> 00:17:59,679 Well, it has been two days, 451 00:17:59,713 --> 00:18:01,147 and she hasn't once stormed in here 452 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,883 carping about how all the destructive hurricanes 453 00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:05,718 get female names. 454 00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:07,320 But it can't be drugs. 455 00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:11,056 Then how come I found this in her trash? 456 00:18:11,074 --> 00:18:13,526 Oh, Tracy, this is dexoprex. 457 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,595 My mother takes it for joint pain. 458 00:18:15,629 --> 00:18:19,065 Her wrist was starting to bother her from slapping busboys. 459 00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:20,533 So it's not the Bandito Blanco? 460 00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:22,668 A name for cocaine I just made up? 461 00:18:22,703 --> 00:18:24,670 I know Liz Lemon better than she knows herself. 462 00:18:24,705 --> 00:18:26,672 Why would she need joint pain medication? 463 00:18:26,707 --> 00:18:29,776 And why would she be meeting people down by... 464 00:18:29,810 --> 00:18:31,577 Tracy. 465 00:18:31,612 --> 00:18:34,413 What building is right next to Penn Station? 466 00:18:34,448 --> 00:18:37,016 The Manhattan center for penis enlargement? 467 00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:38,768 I know because my friend goes there. 468 00:18:38,802 --> 00:18:40,219 His name is Tracy. 469 00:18:40,254 --> 00:18:43,322 Madison Square Garden. 470 00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:47,460 Did you know that Lemon attended college 471 00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:50,630 on a partial jazz dance scholarship? 472 00:18:50,664 --> 00:18:51,998 And do you know what event was held 473 00:18:52,032 --> 00:18:54,066 last night at Madison Square Garden? 474 00:18:54,101 --> 00:18:56,903 A crack whore convention? 475 00:18:56,937 --> 00:18:58,070 No. Worse. 476 00:18:58,105 --> 00:18:59,739 ♪ Every person dance soon ♪ 477 00:18:59,773 --> 00:19:01,908 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 478 00:19:01,942 --> 00:19:05,845 the WNBA's most popular dance team, 479 00:19:05,879 --> 00:19:07,747 "the Timeless Torches." 480 00:19:07,781 --> 00:19:10,216 [Dance music] 481 00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:13,669 ♪ Dancing Torches dance soon ♪ 482 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:21,727 ♪ 483 00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:28,401 Oh, God! So much grapevining! 484 00:19:33,974 --> 00:19:36,943 It's so beautiful. 485 00:19:36,977 --> 00:19:39,212 [Gasps] A mermaid! 486 00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:40,780 Dude, those are diapers. 487 00:19:40,814 --> 00:19:45,418 [Kenneth laughing] 488 00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:50,456 So that's why you've been so happy and distracted lately. 489 00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:54,544 The joy of movement, exercise, 10% off arena snacks 490 00:19:54,595 --> 00:19:56,596 with your torch card. 491 00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:59,015 And who figured the whole thing out? 492 00:19:59,049 --> 00:20:01,968 The man who knows me better than I know myself. 493 00:20:02,002 --> 00:20:04,387 Pull over here, please. This is me. 494 00:20:07,608 --> 00:20:09,108 Ah, going to the movies. 495 00:20:09,142 --> 00:20:12,311 Let me guess: You're going alone, to the 9:10 showing 496 00:20:12,346 --> 00:20:14,714 of Garry Marshall's New Year's Eve. 497 00:20:14,748 --> 00:20:16,449 You've waited five weeks to see it, 498 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:17,884 to make sure that you wouldn't contribute 499 00:20:17,918 --> 00:20:19,886 to it being the number one movie in America. 500 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:21,721 You'll say you're seeing it ironically, 501 00:20:21,755 --> 00:20:24,657 and yet you'll tear up when Ashton Kutcher 502 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:27,059 - kisses Lea Michele. - You know me. 503 00:20:27,094 --> 00:20:30,413 I love it when the swarthy girl gets the guy. 504 00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:39,422 ♪ The Camptown ladies 505 00:20:39,473 --> 00:20:42,275 ♪ sing this song 506 00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:45,411 ♪ doo-dah 507 00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:48,180 ♪ doo-dah 508 00:20:48,215 --> 00:20:52,051 ♪ the Camptown racetrack's 509 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:54,787 ♪ five miles long 510 00:20:54,821 --> 00:21:02,428 ♪ oh, doo dah day 511 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:08,100 ♪ gonna run all night 512 00:21:08,135 --> 00:21:12,805 ♪ gonna run all day 513 00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:16,709 ♪ I bet my money 514 00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:20,596 ♪ on a bobtail nag 515 00:21:20,631 --> 00:21:24,583 ♪ somebody bet on the bay ♪ 516 00:21:24,618 --> 00:21:26,769 ♪ somebody, somebody 517 00:21:26,803 --> 00:21:31,991 ♪ somebody bet on the bay 518 00:21:32,025 --> 00:21:33,592 A disgusting disappointment. 519 00:21:34,302 --> 00:21:36,502 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com 520 00:21:36,517 --> 00:21:38,801 My name is Bob. I'm 61 years old. 521 00:21:38,813 --> 00:21:41,116 My favorite move is the shoulder shake. 522 00:21:42,303 --> 00:21:44,738 My name is Joyce. I'm 63 years young. 523 00:21:44,773 --> 00:21:48,075 My favorite move is the Dougie. 524 00:21:48,109 --> 00:21:49,977 I'm Liz. I'm 39, for the third time, 525 00:21:50,011 --> 00:21:53,413 and my favorite move is sunset arms. 526 00:21:53,448 --> 00:21:55,449 Hi, I'm Lewis. I'm a grandfather 527 00:21:55,483 --> 00:21:56,500 from the Dominican Republic, 528 00:21:56,534 --> 00:21:59,386 and my favorite move is the lift. 529 00:22:01,155 --> 00:22:02,122 Sorry, Lewis. 530 00:22:02,156 --> 00:22:04,124 Nice try, Liz. 531 00:22:04,158 --> 00:22:06,660 Dance like nobody's watchin'!