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From the director of Valentine's day
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00:00:02,890 --> 00:00:04,124
and New Year's Eve...
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00:00:05,451 --> 00:00:08,887
What? Tomorrow is Martin
Luther king day?
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00:00:08,921 --> 00:00:10,856
Yeah, and neither
of us have dates.
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Too bad we're
just platonic friends.
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I have a right to love you.
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Hello.
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In the words
of Martin Luther King,
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I've just got to go for it.
10
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You're a white supremacist?
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You guys can just do
the fun stuff.
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Oh, my God.
13
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All I want is one
extraordinary moment.
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Sounds like you have a dream.
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It's
Martin Luther King day.
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So, I need you
to promote that TGS.
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No, I'm not promoting
that garbage on the show.
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Oh, Liz. This isn't a request,
this is an order.
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I've already spoken
to Jack about it.
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Wow.
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Well, now I'm going
to speak to Jack about it.
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The rest of you,
keep working...
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00:01:08,064 --> 00:01:09,648
Lemon, I'm sorry,
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00:01:09,682 --> 00:01:12,367
but Jenna has become
a huge star for this network.
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She's bigger than Maulik
Pancholy on Whitney.
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Look, I put up with
a lot from Jenna.
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A couple months ago,
she cut off my ponytail
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because she was jealous of the
attention that I was getting,
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on my own birthday.
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But this is new, going
to you behind my back?
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You can't reward her for that.
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My hands are tied.
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But, and I will, heh,
never say this again,
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you have a power that I don't.
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Besides the greatest power
of all?
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The ability to gestate life.
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Of course, Lemon.
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That's why the President
is always a new mom.
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I was referring to your
unique leverage with Jenna:
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Your friendship.
41
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No, I like to keep "boss Liz"
and "friend Liz" separate,
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because "boss Liz"
is all "paperwork, paperwork,"
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but "friend Liz" is all "my feet
hurt, I'm staying in tonight."
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Lemon, I've decided to
eliminate the NBC page program.
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What?
46
00:02:05,271 --> 00:02:06,571
I was in Washington yesterday
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00:02:06,606 --> 00:02:09,107
reviewing satellite images
of Avery in North Korea.
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00:02:09,141 --> 00:02:12,110
For what it's worth,
CIA analysts have confirmed
49
00:02:12,144 --> 00:02:14,246
that she is, indeed,
"keeping it tight."
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00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,848
I don't know how this is about
my problem, but I trust you.
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00:02:16,883 --> 00:02:19,150
I'm getting there.
While I was in Washington,
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I learned the house shut down
its page program.
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With texting and email,
a multi-million dollar system
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of pleasure slaves
is no longer needed.
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Hang on, we need the pages.
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00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:31,763
Especially Kenneth.
He, uh... well, he, uh...
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He always scratches
that weird part of my back
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that I can't reach.
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Unless...
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Oh!
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That's the business!
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Now who's in charge,
winter dryness?
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I'm hoping that a bold,
cost-cutting move like this
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will impress Hank Hooper.
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But I've only worked
for Hank for a year.
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00:02:52,585 --> 00:02:54,286
He's still difficult to read,
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much like that memoir Reagan
wrote the week before he died.
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It's, uh...scattered.
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00:03:00,259 --> 00:03:02,561
Well, now I think we're
just talking about your thing.
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00:03:02,595 --> 00:03:03,728
You tricked me.
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You know how to read Jenna.
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Use your power.
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Oh, damn it.
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I need some tape!
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30 ROCK
Ep. 04 - The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell
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Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
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Hey, Tray.
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We just picked up your birthday
party invitations from the printer.
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Wait! What is this?
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"Give to charity please,
no presents"?
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00:03:47,607 --> 00:03:48,857
Yeah, that's what you
told me to put on the card.
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00:03:48,891 --> 00:03:50,191
No, Dotcom!
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I said, "give to charity?
Please, no. Presents!"
84
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Well, I'm sorry, but
you don't really need presents.
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You already have everything.
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00:03:59,285 --> 00:04:02,887
I mean, you just bought Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar's bones,
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and he's not even dead.
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Wow.
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Maybe I do have everything.
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00:04:08,260 --> 00:04:10,562
But what does that say about me?
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00:04:10,596 --> 00:04:14,666
I need time alone, guys,
to think...
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About mortality.
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00:04:23,375 --> 00:04:25,260
Hey, buddy.
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00:04:25,311 --> 00:04:27,879
I thought maybe we could have
a little talk,
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girl to girl.
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Mm, sure.
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00:04:30,266 --> 00:04:31,616
I love light chitchat.
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00:04:31,651 --> 00:04:34,185
Did you hear about how my
fecalist murdered my kabbalist?
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00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:35,520
Wow.
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00:04:35,554 --> 00:04:39,024
Look, we're inside,
you can take off the sunglasses.
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Oh.
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00:04:40,993 --> 00:04:42,127
What are those?
103
00:04:42,161 --> 00:04:44,129
Leeches.
They're good for your skin,
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00:04:44,163 --> 00:04:45,697
and I've lost tons
of blood weight.
105
00:04:45,731 --> 00:04:47,899
Oh, my God!
106
00:04:47,917 --> 00:04:50,702
Okay, remember the pact
we made back in Chicago?
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00:04:50,736 --> 00:04:52,704
Liz, if I become famous,
will you tell me
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00:04:52,738 --> 00:04:54,372
if I start acting weird?
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00:04:54,406 --> 00:04:56,808
Definitely.
And will you do the same for me?
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00:04:56,842 --> 00:05:00,679
You? Famous? That's hilarious.
111
00:05:00,713 --> 00:05:02,447
Well,
I'm invoking the pact.
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00:05:02,481 --> 00:05:04,766
You're putting leeches
on your face.
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Demi Moore does it.
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00:05:06,602 --> 00:05:08,520
Plus,
it makes P.E.T.A. furious,
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00:05:08,554 --> 00:05:10,121
and if P.E.T.A. doesn't
love you or hate you,
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00:05:10,156 --> 00:05:12,891
you're a nobody,
like a soldier, or a teacher.
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00:05:12,925 --> 00:05:17,195
Jenna, take off the leeches!
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I feel like I'm losing you.
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I mean, we used
to get lunch every week.
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00:05:20,265 --> 00:05:21,900
When was the last time
we did that?
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00:05:21,934 --> 00:05:24,102
You know, with my fecalist
in jail,
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I can eat whatever I want today.
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Maybe we could go to outback...
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00:05:27,957 --> 00:05:29,107
I'm going to call ahead and
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00:05:29,125 --> 00:05:30,775
make sure we're
in Darryl's section.
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Who am I?
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What does it all mean?
128
00:05:33,979 --> 00:05:36,915
Will I ever truly be happy?
129
00:05:36,949 --> 00:05:39,150
Tray, I hate seeing
you like this.
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00:05:39,185 --> 00:05:41,469
Sitting in here listening to
your depressed thoughts CD.
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00:05:41,504 --> 00:05:44,172
What is the meaning of ...
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00:05:44,223 --> 00:05:46,307
You remember Celia's bakery
in the Bronx?
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00:05:46,342 --> 00:05:48,510
It was on the corner
of Malcolm X Boulevard
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00:05:48,561 --> 00:05:50,145
and guy who shot
Malcolm X Boulevard.
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00:05:50,179 --> 00:05:54,482
When I was a kid, I wanted
one of those pies so bad.
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00:05:54,517 --> 00:05:57,569
So I swore to myself that one
day I would become so rich
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I would buy every single pie
in Celia's.
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00:05:59,805 --> 00:06:01,072
I wanted for nothing
as a child,
139
00:06:01,107 --> 00:06:02,674
but that brings
its own challenges.
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00:06:02,708 --> 00:06:04,642
Shut up, Dotcom.
141
00:06:04,660 --> 00:06:06,377
And now look at that kid,
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00:06:06,412 --> 00:06:08,947
he turned into
an incredibly fit genius
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00:06:08,981 --> 00:06:10,415
who has everything
he ever wanted.
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00:06:10,449 --> 00:06:11,950
So if there's no more to want,
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00:06:11,984 --> 00:06:13,317
what's the point in living?
146
00:06:13,335 --> 00:06:15,086
Whoa, hang on, Tray.
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00:06:15,121 --> 00:06:16,387
You've got a family.
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00:06:16,422 --> 00:06:19,124
Great, another thing
that I've already got.
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00:06:19,158 --> 00:06:23,128
Thanks for making
this situation worse.
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00:06:25,831 --> 00:06:26,898
Should we get another one?
151
00:06:26,932 --> 00:06:28,066
If you eat four,
you get a T-shirt.
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00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:34,022
So one more,
and that's two T-shirts.
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00:06:34,056 --> 00:06:35,223
Oh, no, they're here.
154
00:06:35,274 --> 00:06:36,941
And you don't want
the paparazzi
155
00:06:36,976 --> 00:06:38,176
taking pictures of you?
156
00:06:38,210 --> 00:06:39,544
Not when I'm just trying
to have lunch
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00:06:39,578 --> 00:06:42,347
with my best friend
like a normal person.
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00:06:42,381 --> 00:06:44,549
It's like I'm in a cage.
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00:06:44,583 --> 00:06:45,850
And not the fun kind
where you dance
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00:06:45,885 --> 00:06:48,787
while U.S.C. football recruits
throw hot coins at you.
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00:06:48,821 --> 00:06:51,022
I'm sorry, do you want
to sneak out the back?
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00:06:51,056 --> 00:06:54,876
They'd be expecting that.
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00:06:54,910 --> 00:06:59,164
Would you like a chance
to be famous, Liz?
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00:06:59,198 --> 00:07:03,268
Naturally. Always.
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00:07:03,302 --> 00:07:06,371
I'm from Tampa, Florida.
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00:07:06,405 --> 00:07:08,173
Leech abuser!
167
00:07:09,374 --> 00:07:11,142
Nice try, P.E.T.A. bitches.
168
00:07:11,177 --> 00:07:13,377
But I saw you
hiding in the crowd.
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00:07:13,395 --> 00:07:15,396
You just threw paint
on a nobody,
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00:07:15,431 --> 00:07:18,583
who can't even sing
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00:07:18,617 --> 00:07:21,653
Make sure you get the outback sign
in the shot or I don't get paid.
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00:07:21,687 --> 00:07:24,889
Taxi!
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00:07:24,924 --> 00:07:27,692
I have good news,
and I have bad news.
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00:07:27,726 --> 00:07:31,663
The bad news is, I am shutting
down the page program.
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00:07:31,697 --> 00:07:35,366
The good news is
for a different group of people.
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00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,069
Uh, as the most popular page,
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00:07:38,087 --> 00:07:39,537
I feel I should say something.
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00:07:39,572 --> 00:07:40,872
Kenneth, please.
179
00:07:40,906 --> 00:07:43,074
Everyone knows that Dalton
is the most popular page.
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00:07:43,108 --> 00:07:45,710
Dalton! Dalton! Dalton!
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00:07:45,744 --> 00:07:50,248
Fine, but, you can't
cancel the page program.
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00:07:50,266 --> 00:07:54,269
Who will take messages or
seat audiences or order lunch?
183
00:07:54,303 --> 00:07:57,288
Today, all of those tasks can
be managed electronically.
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00:07:57,323 --> 00:07:59,357
You're just going
to automate us?
185
00:07:59,391 --> 00:08:01,893
Excuse me, sir, but
186
00:08:01,927 --> 00:08:05,947
this reminds me of
the tale of John Henry.
187
00:08:05,981 --> 00:08:07,448
Now, gather 'round friends and...
188
00:08:07,483 --> 00:08:09,767
We all know about
John Henry, Kenneth.
189
00:08:09,785 --> 00:08:10,935
It's just a story.
190
00:08:10,970 --> 00:08:12,904
Well then, I know
about another story
191
00:08:12,938 --> 00:08:14,572
that turned out to be true.
192
00:08:14,607 --> 00:08:18,776
It's about a virgin who
gave birth to a man who
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00:08:18,794 --> 00:08:20,812
had some funny ideas.
194
00:08:20,846 --> 00:08:23,281
That virgin was my sister.
195
00:08:23,299 --> 00:08:26,251
And her son, Lyle,
has a learning disability.
196
00:08:26,285 --> 00:08:27,919
Security will escort you out.
197
00:08:27,953 --> 00:08:30,421
And these uniforms are still
the property of NBC,
198
00:08:30,456 --> 00:08:33,892
and we'll need them back.
199
00:08:33,926 --> 00:08:36,144
You are insane!
200
00:08:36,178 --> 00:08:37,829
You knew that
P.E.T.A. guy was there.
201
00:08:37,863 --> 00:08:41,182
Look, I'm sorry, I couldn't be
photographed with paint on me.
202
00:08:41,233 --> 00:08:42,300
I'd look like you do right now.
203
00:08:42,334 --> 00:08:44,302
That is psychopath behavior.
204
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,821
How did I ever even become
friends with someone like you?
205
00:08:46,855 --> 00:08:50,474
If I remember correctly,
Elizabeth,
206
00:08:50,492 --> 00:08:52,860
we became friends because
I felt bad for you,
207
00:08:52,912 --> 00:08:54,829
standing alone
at that party like a loser.
208
00:08:54,863 --> 00:08:56,614
Yeah, 'cause I really
wanted to talk to the girl
209
00:08:56,649 --> 00:08:58,783
who was wrestling
in a kiddie pool full of lube.
210
00:08:58,817 --> 00:09:00,985
Well, what were you even doing
at that bachelor party?
211
00:09:01,020 --> 00:09:02,453
Derek thought I was a guy,
212
00:09:02,487 --> 00:09:04,422
and I didn't want to ruin
what was happening between us.
213
00:09:06,375 --> 00:09:08,626
God, I wish my first roommate
hadn't died of old age.
214
00:09:08,661 --> 00:09:10,878
Then you wouldn't have moved in,
and I wouldn't have wasted
215
00:09:10,930 --> 00:09:12,380
15 years of my life trying
to make you
216
00:09:12,431 --> 00:09:13,932
feel better about yourself.
217
00:09:13,966 --> 00:09:15,099
'Cause guess what?
218
00:09:15,134 --> 00:09:18,269
The back of your neck
does look weird.
219
00:09:18,304 --> 00:09:19,704
Why would you say that?
220
00:09:19,738 --> 00:09:24,776
You know I can't see it.
221
00:09:24,810 --> 00:09:27,061
Oh, forget it.
222
00:09:27,112 --> 00:09:28,279
I don't need you, Liz.
223
00:09:28,314 --> 00:09:30,231
I have real friends now,
224
00:09:30,282 --> 00:09:34,118
celebrity friends who understand
what I'm going through.
225
00:09:34,153 --> 00:09:35,954
You see? Charlie from
Charlie bit my finger
226
00:09:35,988 --> 00:09:38,122
and Knob Kardashian
just texted me.
227
00:09:38,157 --> 00:09:39,724
They're my new besties.
228
00:09:39,758 --> 00:09:41,159
Well,
I don't need you either.
229
00:09:41,193 --> 00:09:43,127
I've got a new bestie too,
and her name is something cool,
230
00:09:43,162 --> 00:09:45,997
like Sam, and she does
web design, maybe,
231
00:09:46,031 --> 00:09:47,699
and I haven't met her yet.
232
00:09:47,733 --> 00:09:50,251
Look out, New York,
Liz Lemon is 41,
233
00:09:50,302 --> 00:09:54,038
covered in paint, and looking
for a new best friend.
234
00:09:58,870 --> 00:10:00,399
Kenneth, you're a hard worker,
235
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,354
and I will find you something
else here at the company.
236
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:06,091
Not interested, sir.
237
00:10:06,126 --> 00:10:07,827
I don't want to work for
an organization
238
00:10:07,861 --> 00:10:10,079
that would throw away
a tradition
239
00:10:10,113 --> 00:10:11,430
like the page program.
240
00:10:11,465 --> 00:10:15,668
Think of all the famous people
who started as pages:
241
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:18,237
Steve Allen, Regis Philbin,
242
00:10:18,255 --> 00:10:22,374
Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez,
John Wayne gacy...
243
00:10:22,408 --> 00:10:23,709
Kenneth, I'm sorry.
244
00:10:23,743 --> 00:10:26,195
But progress means eliminating
useless institutions.
245
00:10:26,229 --> 00:10:29,348
Well, Mr. Donaghy, there's one
thing you haven't thought of.
246
00:10:29,382 --> 00:10:32,952
Who will give the NBC tours?
247
00:10:32,986 --> 00:10:34,687
No machine can repla...
248
00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:37,122
We're calling
it "notkenneth."
249
00:10:37,157 --> 00:10:39,859
It's hard not to take
that personally, sir.
250
00:10:39,893 --> 00:10:41,760
We've inputted the entire page
handbook
251
00:10:41,778 --> 00:10:43,445
into notkenneth's database.
252
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,931
It knows everything you know,
and more.
253
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:48,334
Why, Jack, why?
254
00:10:48,368 --> 00:10:51,220
"Why Jack why?"
is a 2002 episode of Will and Grace,
255
00:10:51,254 --> 00:10:54,706
in which Jack, Sean Hayes,
chooses between two YMCAs.
256
00:10:54,724 --> 00:10:55,908
Featuring guest stars...
257
00:10:55,942 --> 00:10:59,345
Daniel Day-Lewis as gay
benchpress guy.
258
00:11:04,317 --> 00:11:06,385
Hey, Sue.
259
00:11:06,419 --> 00:11:08,237
What are you up to tonight?
260
00:11:08,271 --> 00:11:09,822
I'm not working late again.
261
00:11:09,856 --> 00:11:10,823
Why don't you write
the show yourself?
262
00:11:10,857 --> 00:11:12,441
You take all the credit anyway.
263
00:11:12,492 --> 00:11:13,759
I hope you dream of your death.
264
00:11:13,793 --> 00:11:16,362
I was just wondering if you
wanted to go to a movie?
265
00:11:16,396 --> 00:11:19,698
Oh. I can't.
I have to work late.
266
00:11:24,638 --> 00:11:27,373
Hey, Hank.
267
00:11:27,407 --> 00:11:29,508
I didn't think I was going to
see you until dinner tonight.
268
00:11:29,543 --> 00:11:31,777
Whatever.
269
00:11:31,811 --> 00:11:32,978
I don't even know if I'm coming.
270
00:11:33,013 --> 00:11:34,813
Hank, is something wrong?
271
00:11:34,848 --> 00:11:39,451
Jack, I bought this company
a year ago today.
272
00:11:39,469 --> 00:11:40,786
Now, maybe I'm old-fashioned,
273
00:11:40,820 --> 00:11:43,322
but where I come from,
anniversaries mean something.
274
00:11:43,356 --> 00:11:45,858
Hank, of course I remembered
our "businessversary."
275
00:11:45,892 --> 00:11:47,159
I sent a gift.
276
00:11:47,193 --> 00:11:50,596
Oh, really?
Was it invisible?
277
00:11:50,630 --> 00:11:53,098
Sorry.
278
00:11:53,132 --> 00:11:54,934
I drove all the way
up here from Philadelphia
279
00:11:54,968 --> 00:11:56,468
listening to Garrison Keillor
280
00:11:56,486 --> 00:11:58,771
and just getting psyched
for a fun day.
281
00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:01,640
I used our new messenger
system and sent the gift
282
00:12:01,658 --> 00:12:04,276
to your office
on the 60th floor.
283
00:12:04,311 --> 00:12:07,413
Ah, it didn't go to 60,
it went to 6.
284
00:12:07,447 --> 00:12:09,915
What's on 6?
285
00:12:09,950 --> 00:12:11,116
Oh, no!
286
00:12:14,371 --> 00:12:17,089
Hey, how does
an adult make new friends?
287
00:12:17,123 --> 00:12:18,457
I don't have time
for this.
288
00:12:18,491 --> 00:12:21,176
Hank Hooper's businessversary
gift went to TGS.
289
00:12:21,211 --> 00:12:24,663
TGSis a sketch show known for
popular characters like...
290
00:12:24,681 --> 00:12:28,634
Error. Error. Error. Error.
291
00:12:33,673 --> 00:12:35,190
Stop! Nerds, stop.
292
00:12:35,225 --> 00:12:36,341
Stop what you are
doing immediately.
293
00:12:36,359 --> 00:12:37,893
Toofer, put that glass down.
294
00:12:37,944 --> 00:12:40,145
That scotch fountain obviously
was not meant for you.
295
00:12:40,179 --> 00:12:42,514
Phillie phanatic,
get away from him.
296
00:12:48,538 --> 00:12:50,823
None of this was meant for you.
297
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:52,858
That should have been obvious,
since a gift from me
298
00:12:52,876 --> 00:12:55,094
would suggest that you
were producing good work.
299
00:12:55,128 --> 00:12:58,664
You are not.
300
00:12:58,698 --> 00:13:01,300
Lance Ito, you're
out of order.
301
00:13:01,334 --> 00:13:05,137
Line!
302
00:13:07,007 --> 00:13:09,975
This was meant
to go to the 60th floor.
303
00:13:10,010 --> 00:13:11,543
It's not their fault.
304
00:13:11,561 --> 00:13:13,679
It says 6th floor
on the invoice.
305
00:13:13,713 --> 00:13:15,547
Must be a computer error.
306
00:13:15,565 --> 00:13:17,650
Well, somebody made a mistake.
307
00:13:17,684 --> 00:13:19,218
A dumb mistake.
308
00:13:19,252 --> 00:13:22,855
And it wasn't the pages,
and it wasn't the computer...
309
00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:24,222
Ha! It was Jack!
310
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,492
Guys, Jack makes dumb mistakes.
311
00:13:26,526 --> 00:13:27,726
He's just like us.
312
00:13:27,744 --> 00:13:29,194
He's no better than I am.
313
00:13:29,229 --> 00:13:30,663
He's just got a suit.
314
00:13:30,697 --> 00:13:32,931
No, no,
I am better than you, Lutz.
315
00:13:32,966 --> 00:13:35,250
Someone else is to blame, and I
will find him or,
316
00:13:35,285 --> 00:13:37,536
more likely, her.
317
00:13:37,570 --> 00:13:40,005
He looks scared, like Lutz
on an escalator.
318
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,107
Twinsies!
319
00:13:46,579 --> 00:13:50,015
I called the paps earlier,
and they sent Lester.
320
00:13:50,050 --> 00:13:51,750
No one ever uses him.
321
00:13:51,768 --> 00:13:54,186
Ugh. I'd like
to bite his finger.
322
00:13:54,220 --> 00:13:57,406
Charlie.
323
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:58,691
Sweetie,
324
00:13:58,725 --> 00:14:00,559
you look amazing.
325
00:14:02,245 --> 00:14:03,662
Knob Kardashian,
326
00:14:03,697 --> 00:14:05,063
Charlie bit my finger,
327
00:14:05,081 --> 00:14:06,415
this is mankind.
328
00:14:06,449 --> 00:14:09,368
And this, is Mr. Socko.
329
00:14:09,402 --> 00:14:12,070
Oh, I know Mr. Socko.
330
00:14:15,408 --> 00:14:17,092
Honey, I don't think
that was Madame Bovary,
331
00:14:17,127 --> 00:14:20,429
I think it was Madame Ovary.
332
00:14:20,463 --> 00:14:24,383
Oh, no, you went there.
333
00:14:24,417 --> 00:14:26,752
Man, do my feet hurt
in heels sometimes,
334
00:14:26,770 --> 00:14:28,454
and other things
that women talk about.
335
00:14:28,488 --> 00:14:29,722
Can we help you?
336
00:14:29,756 --> 00:14:31,757
Sorry, I'm just trying
337
00:14:31,791 --> 00:14:32,858
to make a new best friend.
338
00:14:32,892 --> 00:14:37,062
Oh, sweetie, honey, oh.
339
00:14:37,096 --> 00:14:40,149
Yeah, it's really hard.
340
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,433
I mean, how did you guys
meet each other?
341
00:14:41,468 --> 00:14:43,368
We were at karaoke,
342
00:14:43,403 --> 00:14:44,770
and we all picked the same song.
343
00:14:44,788 --> 00:14:46,371
And then when the song came up,
344
00:14:46,406 --> 00:14:48,624
we all went on stage.
345
00:14:48,658 --> 00:14:50,843
And everybody was like, "what?"
346
00:14:50,877 --> 00:14:51,877
And then we were like,
347
00:14:51,911 --> 00:14:54,947
What you want?
Baby, I got it
348
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:57,299
Shut up!
That's horrible.
349
00:14:57,333 --> 00:14:58,517
But I get your point.
350
00:14:58,551 --> 00:15:00,252
I need to go somewhere
where someone like me
351
00:15:00,286 --> 00:15:01,920
would be hanging out.
352
00:15:01,955 --> 00:15:03,288
But where does Liz Lemon go
353
00:15:03,306 --> 00:15:05,591
when she's out on the town?
354
00:15:05,625 --> 00:15:09,294
To the Barnes & Noble bathroom.
355
00:15:11,014 --> 00:15:12,731
Occupied! God.
356
00:15:12,766 --> 00:15:15,367
I know it is.
By my new best friend.
357
00:15:21,903 --> 00:15:23,037
Hey there, Jack.
358
00:15:23,071 --> 00:15:25,306
That Jenna Maroney
sure is a hoot.
359
00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:26,674
I didn't care for Mr. Socko.
360
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:28,909
In my day, socks just
kept their mouth shut.
361
00:15:28,944 --> 00:15:30,995
Well, Hank, you'll be
interested to know
362
00:15:31,029 --> 00:15:33,948
I'm getting to the bottom of
our little gift mix-up earlier.
363
00:15:33,982 --> 00:15:35,116
Really, Jack?
364
00:15:35,150 --> 00:15:37,351
There's a problem
with the computer system
365
00:15:37,386 --> 00:15:39,620
where it confuses 6 and 60?
366
00:15:39,654 --> 00:15:41,822
I don't like your tone,
Rossitano.
367
00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:43,657
Aw, it's okay.
You messed up, buddy.
368
00:15:43,675 --> 00:15:44,658
Lutz, don't touch me.
369
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:46,093
Hang on, Jack.
370
00:15:46,128 --> 00:15:48,462
Are these two very
ill children saying
371
00:15:48,497 --> 00:15:49,697
you messed up the delivery?
372
00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:50,831
That's unacceptable.
373
00:15:50,849 --> 00:15:52,032
Hey, we all make mistakes.
374
00:15:52,067 --> 00:15:56,370
Like farting when you're
talking to three people.
375
00:15:56,405 --> 00:15:58,906
No, a mistake is something
a man does,
376
00:15:58,940 --> 00:16:00,474
like going to war without
a reason,
377
00:16:00,508 --> 00:16:02,042
or executing a simpleton.
378
00:16:02,077 --> 00:16:03,344
What Jack did
379
00:16:03,378 --> 00:16:06,697
is a "whoopsie-daisy,"
like a baby or a woman would do.
380
00:16:06,731 --> 00:16:08,566
No, no, Hank.
It wasn't me,
381
00:16:08,617 --> 00:16:10,034
it was the machines.
382
00:16:10,068 --> 00:16:11,619
Tell him it wasn't my fault.
383
00:16:11,653 --> 00:16:14,071
My fault, a short-lived NBC
game show in which homeless
384
00:16:14,122 --> 00:16:17,691
people won money by confessing
to crimes they didn't commit.
385
00:16:20,095 --> 00:16:21,528
Damn you.
386
00:16:21,546 --> 00:16:24,882
Dam you.A beaver goes to
college in this 1987 anima...
387
00:16:24,916 --> 00:16:27,301
Okay, who wants
to see the red band trailer
388
00:16:27,335 --> 00:16:28,586
of Martin Luther King day?
389
00:16:28,637 --> 00:16:30,905
No, we need to decide which
cell phone pictures
390
00:16:30,939 --> 00:16:32,372
I'm going to leak.
391
00:16:32,390 --> 00:16:34,842
Everyone, listen to Charlie
bit my finger's new song.
392
00:16:34,876 --> 00:16:36,210
I'm rotten
to the core mother...
393
00:16:36,228 --> 00:16:37,561
Quiet!
394
00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:40,781
Mankind is trying to tweet about
these clowns in Congress.
395
00:16:40,816 --> 00:16:41,816
Excuse me, guys.
396
00:16:41,850 --> 00:16:43,184
We're not doing your things,
397
00:16:43,218 --> 00:16:44,435
we're doing my me things.
398
00:16:44,486 --> 00:16:46,020
You mean me, right?
399
00:16:46,054 --> 00:16:47,021
Me.
400
00:16:47,055 --> 00:16:48,255
- Me?
- You're all using
401
00:16:48,290 --> 00:16:49,890
that word wrong.
402
00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:50,891
- I'm me.
- I'm me.
403
00:16:56,308 --> 00:16:59,664
Uhh! I hate it when they put the movie
poster on the cover of the book
404
00:16:59,778 --> 00:17:01,410
that the movie is based on.
405
00:17:01,497 --> 00:17:04,182
Let me imagine what Peeta
Mellark looks like,
406
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,951
and how his arms smell of bread.
407
00:17:06,986 --> 00:17:08,219
Amy, this is great.
408
00:17:08,254 --> 00:17:09,754
We are going to be best friends.
409
00:17:09,789 --> 00:17:12,090
Where should we get dinner?
410
00:17:12,124 --> 00:17:14,526
I don't trust Sushi,
Mexican gives me gas,
411
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,361
and I already had
a bloomin' onion today.
412
00:17:16,395 --> 00:17:17,796
Me too.
413
00:17:17,830 --> 00:17:18,783
Also, Ethiopian is out,
414
00:17:18,784 --> 00:17:21,599
because I don't want to see a man
with a beard eat with his hands.
415
00:17:21,634 --> 00:17:23,635
And nothing family style.
416
00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:25,369
Ah! Why is family
a selling point?
417
00:17:25,387 --> 00:17:26,805
Look at the state
of the American family.
418
00:17:26,839 --> 00:17:30,842
Not something we'll ever have
to worry about at our age.
419
00:17:30,876 --> 00:17:33,678
I saw a headline about those
amoebas that eat your brain,
420
00:17:33,712 --> 00:17:35,246
but I didn't read the article.
421
00:17:35,281 --> 00:17:37,315
Well, you didn't have time.
Our lives are half-over.
422
00:17:37,349 --> 00:17:38,716
Our mothers lied to us.
423
00:17:38,734 --> 00:17:41,385
Hey, you can't ride a
bike on the sidewalk.
424
00:17:41,403 --> 00:17:43,721
Oh, my God, I am starving.
425
00:17:43,739 --> 00:17:45,990
We have been wandering
around for...
426
00:17:46,025 --> 00:17:48,827
10 minutes?
427
00:17:48,861 --> 00:17:49,828
Oh, brother.
428
00:17:49,862 --> 00:17:53,448
Hanging out
with me is awful.
429
00:17:53,499 --> 00:17:56,468
Amy, we can't both be the
negative, judgmental one.
430
00:17:56,502 --> 00:17:57,619
So what? I'm just supposed
to sit around
431
00:17:57,670 --> 00:17:59,137
and listen to you complain?
432
00:17:59,171 --> 00:18:02,307
No. You're supposed to be
so vacant and self-absorbed
433
00:18:02,341 --> 00:18:06,311
that you just let me
vent without piling on.
434
00:18:06,345 --> 00:18:09,097
I need Jenna.
435
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:11,716
I need Steffi.
436
00:18:14,687 --> 00:18:17,455
They say people
who kill themselves
437
00:18:17,490 --> 00:18:19,891
never regret it.
438
00:18:19,925 --> 00:18:21,809
Tracy.
Tracy, stop.
439
00:18:21,861 --> 00:18:23,628
I found something
for you to live for.
440
00:18:23,662 --> 00:18:25,997
I already have a room full
of old black women.
441
00:18:26,031 --> 00:18:29,567
No, Tray, this is Celia
Monroe, from Celia's bakery.
442
00:18:29,602 --> 00:18:31,836
She lives in a nursing home
on Long Island now.
443
00:18:31,871 --> 00:18:33,872
We're all
sleeping with Carl,
444
00:18:33,906 --> 00:18:37,208
because he has
the most puzzles.
445
00:18:37,243 --> 00:18:39,477
But we tracked her down, and she
baked you a banana cream pie, see?
446
00:18:39,512 --> 00:18:40,979
That's something
you didn't have.
447
00:18:41,013 --> 00:18:43,414
So that means there must be
other things I don't have.
448
00:18:43,449 --> 00:18:44,782
Other reasons to live.
449
00:18:44,817 --> 00:18:46,184
You guys must have went through
450
00:18:46,218 --> 00:18:47,619
a lot of trouble
to show me that.
451
00:18:47,653 --> 00:18:48,987
You must have been upset.
452
00:18:49,021 --> 00:18:50,522
And I know how that feels,
453
00:18:50,556 --> 00:18:51,823
because I've been upset.
454
00:18:51,857 --> 00:18:54,392
I was very upset when you put
"no presents" on my
455
00:18:54,426 --> 00:18:56,127
birthday invitations.
456
00:18:56,161 --> 00:18:57,629
That's what this was about?
457
00:18:57,663 --> 00:18:59,981
Why didn't you just tell us
back in your dressing room?
458
00:19:00,015 --> 00:19:02,400
Because showing
is better than telling,
459
00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:06,688
and my schedule
is light this week.
460
00:19:06,739 --> 00:19:08,806
Thank you.
461
00:19:22,855 --> 00:19:25,189
I never should have treated you
the way I did, Liz.
462
00:19:25,224 --> 00:19:27,825
I need someone who has so little
going on in their life,
463
00:19:27,860 --> 00:19:29,494
she lets me get
all the attention.
464
00:19:29,528 --> 00:19:30,828
And I need someone in my life
465
00:19:30,863 --> 00:19:32,964
who doesn't listen
to a word I say.
466
00:19:32,998 --> 00:19:35,383
Thank you,
I just got it cut.
467
00:19:46,946 --> 00:19:49,063
I was wrong.
468
00:19:49,114 --> 00:19:50,181
I do need you.
469
00:19:50,215 --> 00:19:52,550
You had me at
"I was wrong, I do need."
470
00:19:52,585 --> 00:19:53,985
I can replace just
about everything you do,
471
00:19:54,019 --> 00:19:57,422
but no machine could ever
be the human wastebasket
472
00:19:57,456 --> 00:19:59,490
that I dump
my stupid mistakes into.
473
00:19:59,525 --> 00:20:02,360
Dump, sir.
Dump all over me.
474
00:20:02,394 --> 00:20:04,528
You thumb with a wig,
475
00:20:04,546 --> 00:20:06,697
those gifts were supposed
to go to the 60th floor.
476
00:20:06,715 --> 00:20:08,566
I'm sorry, sir.
It was all my fault.
477
00:20:08,601 --> 00:20:11,803
Good job, Jack.
Blame it on an albino.
478
00:20:11,837 --> 00:20:13,871
Classic,
'cause it works.
479
00:20:17,426 --> 00:20:20,544
I can never replace you guys.
480
00:20:20,562 --> 00:20:22,063
I love you, presents!
481
00:20:22,097 --> 00:20:24,682
Ooh.
I have that.
482
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:27,285
And that.
483
00:20:29,086 --> 00:20:30,405
Oh!
484
00:20:30,439 --> 00:20:32,240
I've already got this.
485
00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:36,294
Oh, my goodness.
486
00:20:36,328 --> 00:20:38,329
I already have this.
487
00:20:38,364 --> 00:20:40,465
I definitely
don't need that.
488
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:44,865
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com