1
00:00:02,742 --> 00:00:05,577
Come on, put it...
Excuse me.
2
00:00:05,611 --> 00:00:09,130
Out of the way, please.
[Groans]
3
00:00:09,165 --> 00:00:10,248
Hey!
4
00:00:10,282 --> 00:00:11,733
Chill out, mamacita.
5
00:00:11,751 --> 00:00:14,419
What's with the, uh, weekday vibe.
6
00:00:14,453 --> 00:00:16,671
- It is a Tuesday, sir.
- Hey, hey.
7
00:00:16,706 --> 00:00:18,006
You work on that show?
8
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:19,907
Yeah, I work on that show.
9
00:00:19,925 --> 00:00:22,193
Just like your mom works
that street corner.
10
00:00:22,228 --> 00:00:23,428
I'm sorry, that's too much.
11
00:00:23,462 --> 00:00:26,264
No sweat.
My mom is a prostitute.
12
00:00:26,298 --> 00:00:28,933
Hey! This chick knows
Jenna Maroney!
13
00:00:28,968 --> 00:00:30,719
[Cheering]
14
00:00:30,753 --> 00:00:33,138
Hey! New drinking game!
15
00:00:33,189 --> 00:00:35,190
Drink when someone says something!
16
00:00:35,224 --> 00:00:37,091
Whoo!
[Laughs]
17
00:00:37,109 --> 00:00:39,260
Who are you people?
18
00:00:39,278 --> 00:00:41,229
We're "Crabcatchers."
19
00:00:41,263 --> 00:00:43,815
You know, from Jenna's song
Catchin' crabs in paradise?
20
00:00:43,866 --> 00:00:47,152
[Jamaican-style music]
♪ I caught crabs in paradise
21
00:00:47,203 --> 00:00:49,704
♪ and, yes, I mean both kinds of crabs ♪
22
00:00:49,739 --> 00:00:52,490
Oh, I thought that was
at least gonna be innuendo.
23
00:00:52,541 --> 00:00:53,875
Jenna is playing the Tod show,
24
00:00:53,909 --> 00:00:55,210
in a couple of days,
25
00:00:55,244 --> 00:00:58,580
so we're just camping out
and "unwindulaxing."
26
00:00:58,614 --> 00:01:01,082
Wait, so Jenna's
Jimmy Buffett rip-off
27
00:01:01,116 --> 00:01:02,467
is actually a thing?
28
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:03,885
See, you people from New York,
29
00:01:03,919 --> 00:01:06,137
you don't know all the stuff
that's going on
30
00:01:06,172 --> 00:01:07,455
in the rest of the country.
31
00:01:07,473 --> 00:01:09,557
Truck races, swamp parties,
32
00:01:09,592 --> 00:01:11,292
mall fires.
33
00:01:11,310 --> 00:01:13,561
I can't believe she's pulling this off.
34
00:01:13,596 --> 00:01:16,314
And I can't believe I'm pulling this off!
35
00:01:16,348 --> 00:01:19,100
Whoo!
[Cheering]
36
00:01:19,134 --> 00:01:21,236
Why do you have a tattoo of a seatbelt?
37
00:01:21,270 --> 00:01:24,972
So I don't get pulled over
when I'm driving shirtless!
38
00:01:24,990 --> 00:01:27,659
[Laughter]
39
00:01:27,693 --> 00:01:30,945
Whoo!
40
00:01:30,979 --> 00:01:32,363
You wanted to see me?
41
00:01:32,415 --> 00:01:33,748
Have I mentioned marisol,
42
00:01:33,783 --> 00:01:36,117
the Mexican sideline reporter
I've been seeing?
43
00:01:36,151 --> 00:01:37,471
Well, since our weekend in Aspen,
44
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:38,986
she's been put on pelvic rest.
45
00:01:39,004 --> 00:01:41,005
[High-pitched gibberish]
Fast-forward noise.
46
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:43,160
Marisol was supposed
to attend a fundraiser luncheon
47
00:01:43,161 --> 00:01:43,842
with me today.
48
00:01:43,876 --> 00:01:45,260
It's $10,000 a plate.
49
00:01:45,294 --> 00:01:47,128
And I'll have to eat the ticket unless...
50
00:01:47,162 --> 00:01:48,129
Unless I eat the ticket.
51
00:01:48,163 --> 00:01:49,831
Fancy luncheon, seafood bar.
52
00:01:49,849 --> 00:01:51,883
I'm thinking 75 cents a shrimp,
53
00:01:51,934 --> 00:01:52,934
over three hours,
54
00:01:52,968 --> 00:01:54,552
and split...
Carry 3.75...
55
00:01:54,603 --> 00:01:55,643
[Imitates fast-forwarding]
56
00:01:55,644 --> 00:01:57,484
By the time I'm done,
you'll be making money.
57
00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:58,838
Good. I should warn you,
though,
58
00:01:58,839 --> 00:02:00,199
that it's a Republican fundraiser.
59
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,009
So if you're coming, it won't be
60
00:02:02,027 --> 00:02:04,979
as Liz Lemon, huffpo superuser
and gun-control lunatic.
61
00:02:05,013 --> 00:02:07,148
You'll come as Liz Lemon, my chum.
62
00:02:07,182 --> 00:02:09,016
Chum.
Okay, I like that.
63
00:02:09,034 --> 00:02:13,688
And you'll be able to keep
your opinions to yourself?
64
00:02:13,706 --> 00:02:15,156
Oh, good Lord, Lemon.
65
00:02:15,190 --> 00:02:17,826
You just locked your mouth
and then swallowed the key.
66
00:02:17,860 --> 00:02:18,910
It makes no earthly sense.
67
00:02:18,961 --> 00:02:20,712
Shrimp.
68
00:02:20,746 --> 00:02:22,413
[Laughs hysterically]
69
00:02:22,465 --> 00:02:25,700
[Exciting jazz music]
70
00:02:25,718 --> 00:02:27,318
♪
71
00:02:34,604 --> 00:02:36,704
30 ROCK
S07 Ep04 - Unwindulax
72
00:02:36,954 --> 00:02:40,454
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
73
00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:42,817
[Crowd singing Jenna's song
Catchin' crabs in paradise]
74
00:02:42,852 --> 00:02:46,070
♪ Sunburn's starting to scab ♪
75
00:02:46,105 --> 00:02:48,523
Jenna's crab idiots won't shut up.
76
00:02:48,557 --> 00:02:50,992
Why couldn't she have died
when that rabid dog bit her?
77
00:02:51,026 --> 00:02:52,226
Oh, it wasn't rabid.
78
00:02:52,244 --> 00:02:54,329
I just said that
so they'd have to put it down,
79
00:02:54,363 --> 00:02:57,031
and then I'd be the star
of that dog-food commercial.
80
00:02:57,065 --> 00:02:58,185
I had to walk an extra block
81
00:02:58,186 --> 00:02:59,746
to get around your stupid crabcatchers.
82
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:02,069
My doctor's have been very clear
about this, Jenna.
83
00:03:02,087 --> 00:03:04,789
If I get moderate exercise, I'm gonna die!
84
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,541
And I'm mad at your success,
85
00:03:06,575 --> 00:03:08,743
but pretending it's something else!
86
00:03:08,761 --> 00:03:10,094
Okay, speaking of me,
87
00:03:10,129 --> 00:03:13,515
how many crabcatchers fiesta crab hats
88
00:03:13,516 --> 00:03:14,716
would each of you like to buy,
89
00:03:14,750 --> 00:03:18,586
at the unbelievable price
of 49.95?
90
00:03:18,604 --> 00:03:22,390
Please. I've had a crab
on my head for free!
91
00:03:22,424 --> 00:03:23,775
I'm lying.
92
00:03:23,809 --> 00:03:27,145
The claws hold your cigarette
while you uncork a "brew-skye."
93
00:03:27,196 --> 00:03:28,897
"Uncork a 'brew-skye'"?
94
00:03:28,931 --> 00:03:29,931
Yeah, you know.
95
00:03:29,949 --> 00:03:32,400
Ka-zap.
Blinky, blinky, blinky, blinky.
96
00:03:32,434 --> 00:03:33,935
Those aren't even the right noises.
97
00:03:33,953 --> 00:03:35,737
Everyone knows you hate stuff like this.
98
00:03:35,771 --> 00:03:37,571
You're maybe the most
high-maintenance bitch
99
00:03:37,572 --> 00:03:38,092
in Hollywood.
100
00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:39,741
Maybe? Who's more?
Who is she?
101
00:03:39,775 --> 00:03:41,376
Okay, cut this crap out,
102
00:03:41,410 --> 00:03:44,162
and get those sunburned "D" -bags
out of the plaza.
103
00:03:44,213 --> 00:03:46,664
Hey, no can will, Pete.
104
00:03:46,715 --> 00:03:50,001
But have an unwindulaxing day...
105
00:03:50,052 --> 00:03:53,254
You medical office
before-pictures.
106
00:03:53,288 --> 00:03:55,590
I've never even seen a crab.
107
00:03:55,624 --> 00:03:57,625
I'm sorry.
108
00:03:57,643 --> 00:04:00,511
I don't need some
Kenyan-born college professor
109
00:04:00,563 --> 00:04:02,096
telling m I didn't build my company.
110
00:04:02,130 --> 00:04:03,681
Because I earned my trust fund
111
00:04:03,732 --> 00:04:05,800
by always being polite to grandfather.
112
00:04:05,818 --> 00:04:08,236
Now, Donaghy, still over at NBC,
113
00:04:08,258 --> 00:04:09,938
with all those communists and homosexuals?
114
00:04:09,972 --> 00:04:12,212
Reginald, I believe you're
thinking of the White House.
115
00:04:12,213 --> 00:04:13,908
[Chuckling] But not for long.
116
00:04:13,943 --> 00:04:15,610
In two weeks, we take this country back.
117
00:04:15,644 --> 00:04:17,111
And no bureaucrat can force me
118
00:04:17,145 --> 00:04:20,331
to subsidize female promiscuity
in the name of health care.
119
00:04:20,366 --> 00:04:21,950
[Mumbled shout]
120
00:04:21,984 --> 00:04:25,820
Are you okay, chum?
121
00:04:25,838 --> 00:04:28,756
Michelle Obama's on steroids.
122
00:04:31,210 --> 00:04:33,661
And this is studio 6-H,
123
00:04:33,679 --> 00:04:36,347
home to TGS, starring Tracy Jordan.
124
00:04:36,382 --> 00:04:38,666
Oh, my God, it's Jenna.
125
00:04:38,684 --> 00:04:40,668
Visor lady, get a picture of me.
126
00:04:40,686 --> 00:04:43,004
What do I...
Press a button?
127
00:04:43,022 --> 00:04:45,890
No, it's different from every
other camera in the world.
128
00:04:45,941 --> 00:04:47,675
God, I can't escape you people.
129
00:04:47,693 --> 00:04:49,343
Whoa, chill out, brother.
130
00:04:49,361 --> 00:04:52,730
It's beer o'clock somewhere.
131
00:04:52,781 --> 00:04:53,821
[Whispers] You're a fraud!
132
00:04:53,822 --> 00:04:54,862
And you look like a condom
133
00:04:54,863 --> 00:04:56,863
that's been dropped
on the floor of a barbershop.
134
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:59,954
Are you all unwindulaxing?
135
00:04:59,989 --> 00:05:03,458
This guy looks like he could use
a little "latitude" adjustment.
136
00:05:03,492 --> 00:05:06,244
Will you sign my Cesarean scar?
137
00:05:06,295 --> 00:05:07,375
Oh, ahh!
[Liquid splashes]
138
00:05:07,376 --> 00:05:09,530
You moron!
139
00:05:15,554 --> 00:05:18,372
Hey, just a party foul.
140
00:05:18,390 --> 00:05:20,258
Exactly.
141
00:05:20,309 --> 00:05:23,210
That's why I said,
"you more on."
142
00:05:23,228 --> 00:05:26,514
Like, "pour more on me!"
143
00:05:26,548 --> 00:05:30,217
- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah. [Laughs]
144
00:05:30,235 --> 00:05:31,218
Both: Whoo!
145
00:05:31,236 --> 00:05:32,820
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, yeah!
146
00:05:32,855 --> 00:05:34,822
She can't be herself
in front of these losers.
147
00:05:34,857 --> 00:05:36,324
She has to be "Island Jenna,"
148
00:05:36,358 --> 00:05:37,892
which means...
149
00:05:37,910 --> 00:05:39,360
We can mess with her.
150
00:05:39,395 --> 00:05:40,675
We should go to a pumpkin patch?
151
00:05:40,676 --> 00:05:44,065
Pranksmen, activate.
152
00:05:44,083 --> 00:05:46,584
Obama's bailout would never have worked
153
00:05:46,618 --> 00:05:48,670
if big business hadn't
heroically taken it.
154
00:05:48,704 --> 00:05:50,621
But where's our parade?
155
00:05:50,673 --> 00:05:52,040
That's idiotic.
156
00:05:52,074 --> 00:05:53,341
- [Whispers] Lemon!
- No, sir.
157
00:05:53,375 --> 00:05:55,426
You don't have enough shrimp
to buy my silence.
158
00:05:55,461 --> 00:05:56,761
Also, you are out of shrimp.
159
00:05:56,795 --> 00:05:58,129
You know better, Jack.
160
00:05:58,180 --> 00:06:00,014
You all know better.
161
00:06:00,049 --> 00:06:02,684
Except for maybe the really inbred wasps.
162
00:06:02,718 --> 00:06:06,054
You thank for mention gordeau!
[Guffaws]
163
00:06:06,088 --> 00:06:07,088
You're hypocrites.
164
00:06:07,106 --> 00:06:08,426
You believe in the death penalty,
165
00:06:08,427 --> 00:06:11,109
but it's okay to kill animals for food?
166
00:06:11,143 --> 00:06:12,903
I don't know
where I'm going with this yet.
167
00:06:12,904 --> 00:06:14,278
Hang on.
Hang on!
168
00:06:14,313 --> 00:06:16,397
My boyfriend and I aren't married.
169
00:06:16,431 --> 00:06:18,599
But we might have a baby together anyway.
170
00:06:18,617 --> 00:06:20,618
And I hope it's gay...
Male gay.
171
00:06:20,652 --> 00:06:22,603
Because with the ladies,
it's too much hiking.
172
00:06:22,621 --> 00:06:25,456
But homosexuality is unnatural, right?
173
00:06:25,491 --> 00:06:28,743
Then why are there gay dolphins, people?
174
00:06:28,777 --> 00:06:29,994
You heard me.
175
00:06:30,045 --> 00:06:34,115
They make love
to their husband's blowholes.
176
00:06:34,133 --> 00:06:37,118
Let's see that in some science textbooks.
177
00:06:37,136 --> 00:06:38,469
Oh, that's right.
178
00:06:38,504 --> 00:06:40,805
The whole Texas board of education thing
179
00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:42,306
that I don't fully remember.
180
00:06:42,341 --> 00:06:44,926
Teachers should get paid
a million dollars a year.
181
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,145
If birth control pills fixed boners,
182
00:06:47,179 --> 00:06:49,564
you would get them free
with your driver's license.
183
00:06:49,598 --> 00:06:52,800
How do we know that God isn't a tree?
184
00:06:52,818 --> 00:06:54,819
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Elizabeth Lemon.
185
00:06:54,853 --> 00:06:57,939
And, uh, this is what we're up against.
186
00:06:57,973 --> 00:06:59,657
Four more years of a president
187
00:06:59,691 --> 00:07:01,993
chosen by people like her.
188
00:07:02,027 --> 00:07:04,579
She has an iPad subscription
to The New Yorker.
189
00:07:04,613 --> 00:07:06,173
She vehemently opposes the Ivory Trade,
190
00:07:06,174 --> 00:07:07,665
despite the jobs it creates.
191
00:07:07,699 --> 00:07:10,059
And in her apartment there is
a black-and-white photograph
192
00:07:10,060 --> 00:07:11,420
where you can almost see a breast.
193
00:07:11,421 --> 00:07:12,170
[Gasping]
194
00:07:12,204 --> 00:07:14,505
It's an original Leonard Nimoy.
195
00:07:14,540 --> 00:07:16,624
If we do not defeat Obama,
196
00:07:16,658 --> 00:07:18,342
then people like my little friend here
197
00:07:18,377 --> 00:07:20,094
will destroy this country.
198
00:07:20,129 --> 00:07:22,964
So add a zero to whatever
you were planning to give.
199
00:07:22,998 --> 00:07:25,183
For Romney, for America.
200
00:07:25,217 --> 00:07:28,686
For anyone but her.
201
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,638
What the hell, Jack?
202
00:07:30,672 --> 00:07:32,072
I thought you said I was your chum.
203
00:07:32,107 --> 00:07:33,307
You are my chum.
204
00:07:33,341 --> 00:07:34,976
The bait I throw in the water
205
00:07:35,010 --> 00:07:37,395
to attract the big fish.
206
00:07:37,446 --> 00:07:40,114
Damn it!
Second meaning.
207
00:07:42,828 --> 00:07:45,846
♪ Pour margaritas
sunburn's starting to scab... ♪
208
00:07:45,860 --> 00:07:47,911
Yeah.
209
00:07:48,473 --> 00:07:49,607
Whoa.
210
00:07:49,641 --> 00:07:53,444
What are you douche-compadres
doing here?
211
00:07:53,478 --> 00:07:55,212
Well, Jenna, everyone knows
212
00:07:55,247 --> 00:07:57,214
how you're always so chill.
213
00:07:57,249 --> 00:07:58,999
So, of course, you won't freak out
214
00:07:59,034 --> 00:08:02,620
when you see that Cerie is
wearing that exact same shirt
215
00:08:02,654 --> 00:08:03,654
as a dress.
216
00:08:03,705 --> 00:08:05,990
The belt is a baby's necktie.
217
00:08:06,041 --> 00:08:07,291
[Sighs]
218
00:08:07,325 --> 00:08:10,995
Also, I found a bunch
of your pre-nosejob headshots.
219
00:08:11,029 --> 00:08:14,915
You'll sign them so
I can sell them online, right?
220
00:08:14,949 --> 00:08:16,667
Of course.
221
00:08:16,718 --> 00:08:19,803
'Cause who cares what you look like.
222
00:08:19,838 --> 00:08:22,890
All that counts is what's inside...
223
00:08:22,924 --> 00:08:24,892
Your blender.
224
00:08:24,926 --> 00:08:26,446
[Cheering] I'm glad you feel that way.
225
00:08:26,461 --> 00:08:29,313
'Cause I've always wanted
to give you a haircut.
226
00:08:29,347 --> 00:08:30,347
Mm.
227
00:08:30,398 --> 00:08:32,900
[Laughter] Yeah!
228
00:08:32,934 --> 00:08:37,488
You... virgins, have no idea
who you're messing with.
229
00:08:37,522 --> 00:08:38,639
Whoa, Jenna.
230
00:08:38,657 --> 00:08:40,357
Unwindulax.
231
00:08:40,408 --> 00:08:43,027
Oh, I'm not just Jenna anymore.
232
00:08:43,078 --> 00:08:45,663
I am a God to those crabcatchers,
233
00:08:45,697 --> 00:08:47,698
and they will do whatever I say.
234
00:08:47,749 --> 00:08:48,883
So what?
235
00:08:48,917 --> 00:08:50,417
Oh, I'll tell you so what.
236
00:08:50,435 --> 00:08:52,353
For one thing, if you cross me or my army,
237
00:08:52,387 --> 00:08:54,421
you will never set foot in Florida again.
238
00:08:54,439 --> 00:08:56,273
Because that's our capital.
239
00:08:56,308 --> 00:08:59,026
But I'm judging Spike TV's
Miss Nude divorcee
240
00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:00,644
in Tampa on Christmas Eve.
241
00:09:00,695 --> 00:09:01,729
Oh.
242
00:09:01,763 --> 00:09:03,263
And I was gonna visit MGM studios.
243
00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:04,782
The rides there capture
244
00:09:04,816 --> 00:09:06,817
the thrills and chills of the movies.
245
00:09:06,868 --> 00:09:07,868
And it doesn't end there,
246
00:09:07,869 --> 00:09:09,189
because my people are everywhere.
247
00:09:09,190 --> 00:09:10,790
If you ever want to pick your ball color
248
00:09:10,822 --> 00:09:11,989
at a putt-putt course,
249
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:14,825
or have your alligator
euthanized humanely,
250
00:09:14,876 --> 00:09:16,610
or fly on delta,
251
00:09:16,628 --> 00:09:17,828
you will back off,
252
00:09:17,879 --> 00:09:21,415
or the crabcatchers will come for you.
253
00:09:21,449 --> 00:09:24,451
Just as soon as it's cool
for them to drive.
254
00:09:27,539 --> 00:09:28,639
It's a gray hoodie.
255
00:09:28,673 --> 00:09:30,113
It say's "who farted?"
On the back.
256
00:09:30,114 --> 00:09:32,459
It's got a bunch of tampons in the pocket.
257
00:09:32,493 --> 00:09:33,893
I don't know what else to tell you.
258
00:09:33,894 --> 00:09:34,795
Lemon, there you are.
259
00:09:34,829 --> 00:09:36,109
Did your girlfriend even cancel?
260
00:09:36,110 --> 00:09:38,165
Or was this more Karl Rove trickery?
261
00:09:38,183 --> 00:09:40,167
Sorry, but I needed you to come, Lemon.
262
00:09:40,185 --> 00:09:41,345
This luncheon is a fundraiser
263
00:09:41,346 --> 00:09:42,519
for my personal super pac
264
00:09:42,554 --> 00:09:44,504
"Americans
for an American America."
265
00:09:44,522 --> 00:09:47,191
I needed to unite the room
around a common enemy.
266
00:09:47,225 --> 00:09:48,665
And Ed Begley Jr.
wasn't available,
267
00:09:48,666 --> 00:09:50,394
because the sail on his car broke.
268
00:09:50,445 --> 00:09:53,447
See, this is why 50.1%
of Americans hate Republicans.
269
00:09:53,481 --> 00:09:55,649
Because you're sneaky and cynical.
270
00:09:55,683 --> 00:09:57,723
Cynical? I think I'm
the very opposite of cynical.
271
00:09:57,724 --> 00:09:59,404
I'm doing everything I can for my beliefs.
272
00:09:59,405 --> 00:10:01,052
And I truly believe that one rich person
273
00:10:01,053 --> 00:10:02,573
can make a difference in this country,
274
00:10:02,624 --> 00:10:06,076
and a roomful of rich people
can... change the world.
275
00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:08,527
Well, I also believe that one
person can make a difference.
276
00:10:08,528 --> 00:10:09,363
With ideas.
277
00:10:09,381 --> 00:10:11,131
[Guffaws] That really is wonderful.
278
00:10:11,166 --> 00:10:13,326
Harold, you have to hear this.
Lemon, say that again.
279
00:10:13,327 --> 00:10:15,336
Ideas are more powerful than money.
280
00:10:15,370 --> 00:10:15,924
[Laughter]
281
00:10:15,925 --> 00:10:18,005
So what are you gonna do
with all this money, Jack?
282
00:10:18,039 --> 00:10:19,506
Buy ad time?
283
00:10:19,540 --> 00:10:21,308
'Cause I'm already on TV every night,
284
00:10:21,343 --> 00:10:23,394
with a little something called TGS.
285
00:10:23,428 --> 00:10:26,430
And we just got nominated for
a stage managers' guild award.
286
00:10:26,481 --> 00:10:29,266
So you may have millions of dollars, sir,
287
00:10:29,317 --> 00:10:31,518
but America will hear my two cents.
288
00:10:31,552 --> 00:10:32,719
[Check rips from booklet]
289
00:10:32,737 --> 00:10:34,388
That's not what people want, Lemon.
290
00:10:34,406 --> 00:10:35,886
Least of all, from their televisions.
291
00:10:35,887 --> 00:10:37,087
They want their honeys boo boo
292
00:10:37,088 --> 00:10:39,080
and their Sunday night feetball,
293
00:10:39,081 --> 00:10:40,361
which is the plural of football.
294
00:10:40,395 --> 00:10:41,595
Americans don't want to think.
295
00:10:41,596 --> 00:10:43,163
That's why they need men like me
296
00:10:43,198 --> 00:10:45,165
to pick their presidents for them.
297
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,417
Wow. Okay.
298
00:10:46,451 --> 00:10:49,370
So, I guess, it's my words
versus your money.
299
00:10:49,404 --> 00:10:51,284
And we'll see who can really
make a difference
300
00:10:51,285 --> 00:10:51,965
in this election.
301
00:10:51,966 --> 00:10:53,507
It's on, Donaghy.
302
00:10:53,541 --> 00:10:56,927
May the best
gender non-specific person win.
303
00:10:56,961 --> 00:11:00,414
Just leave the amount blank, Harold.
304
00:11:00,432 --> 00:11:01,748
[Clattering]
305
00:11:01,766 --> 00:11:02,916
Those are tampons.
306
00:11:02,934 --> 00:11:04,518
Deal with it.
307
00:11:04,552 --> 00:11:08,472
[Crowd singing]
308
00:11:08,523 --> 00:11:11,825
For God's sake, some of us have jobs!
309
00:11:11,860 --> 00:11:14,394
I've got a pile
of 1020-Gs up he
310
00:11:14,412 --> 00:11:16,396
with no travel times on them,
311
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,866
and if I don't...
[Screams]
312
00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:21,285
Listen up, nerds!
313
00:11:21,336 --> 00:11:23,787
Tonight, TGS is about to get real.
314
00:11:23,838 --> 00:11:25,238
We've got 38 minutes of air time...
315
00:11:25,239 --> 00:11:27,424
An hour, if the bowling
tournament ends early...
316
00:11:27,459 --> 00:11:29,877
And we are gonna use it
to get the message out there.
317
00:11:29,911 --> 00:11:31,211
I don't know.
318
00:11:31,245 --> 00:11:33,125
I think we've been
hitting Romney pretty hard.
319
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,049
I guess that's why they call me Mitt.
320
00:11:35,083 --> 00:11:38,435
"Baseball Mitt Romney"
and "Barack a llama"
321
00:11:38,470 --> 00:11:39,636
aren't saying anything.
322
00:11:39,687 --> 00:11:41,105
I want to make a difference.
323
00:11:41,139 --> 00:11:43,379
We got to do something big,
something that'll go viral.
324
00:11:43,391 --> 00:11:47,294
Like that otter
that looked just like Tracy.
325
00:11:47,328 --> 00:11:49,368
Look, we've got the greatest
resource in the world
326
00:11:49,369 --> 00:11:51,933
at our fingertips:
American celebrity.
327
00:11:51,934 --> 00:11:53,134
We get some hot young actor...
328
00:11:53,168 --> 00:11:54,408
Oh, my grandnephew Kellan lutz,
329
00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:55,609
from Twilight, is visiting me.
330
00:11:55,610 --> 00:11:58,572
He's in my office.
331
00:11:58,606 --> 00:12:00,206
I have tolerated your pathological lying
332
00:12:00,207 --> 00:12:01,125
for six years.
333
00:12:01,159 --> 00:12:05,779
If you speak again, I will kill you.
334
00:12:05,797 --> 00:12:06,964
Great-uncle?
335
00:12:06,998 --> 00:12:10,134
Momma's baby is
out of "marsh-mal-lows."
336
00:12:10,168 --> 00:12:11,833
Sweet grandnephew,
337
00:12:11,834 --> 00:12:13,754
I've been warming
more "marsh-mal-lows" for you
338
00:12:13,788 --> 00:12:15,589
in the pocket of my dungarees.
339
00:12:15,623 --> 00:12:17,591
[Whimsical music]
340
00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:19,259
[Laughs]
341
00:12:19,293 --> 00:12:20,344
[Chomps]
342
00:12:20,395 --> 00:12:24,431
Okay, good job, lutz.
343
00:12:24,465 --> 00:12:27,768
Gentlemen, token silent lady,
344
00:12:27,802 --> 00:12:30,854
we have to spend
all of our wonderful money,
345
00:12:30,905 --> 00:12:33,440
and help my hair-mentor,
Mitt Romney,
346
00:12:33,474 --> 00:12:36,743
become the 11th legitimate
President of the United States.
347
00:12:36,778 --> 00:12:39,163
Garrett, what does the campaign need?
348
00:12:39,197 --> 00:12:40,497
Well, as you know,
349
00:12:40,532 --> 00:12:42,249
with pacs like this, we're not allowed
350
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:45,335
to have direct contact with candidates.
351
00:12:45,370 --> 00:12:47,004
[Guffaws] I'm kidding.
352
00:12:47,038 --> 00:12:48,839
I'm Garrett Romney, Mitt's my dad.
353
00:12:48,873 --> 00:12:50,824
But here's the thing, Jack.
354
00:12:50,842 --> 00:12:53,343
My brother-dad,
which is mormon for "dad,"
355
00:12:53,378 --> 00:12:55,345
has more money
than he knows what to do with.
356
00:12:55,380 --> 00:12:56,997
With all due respect, Garrett,
357
00:12:57,015 --> 00:12:58,348
I don't think that's a thing.
358
00:12:58,383 --> 00:13:00,384
Well, it's just,
at this point in the campaign,
359
00:13:00,435 --> 00:13:03,670
for us, it's more about ideas than cash.
360
00:13:03,688 --> 00:13:04,688
Garrett, I would slap you
361
00:13:04,689 --> 00:13:06,889
if I didn't know you were going
to get your own planet
362
00:13:06,890 --> 00:13:08,025
when you die.
363
00:13:08,059 --> 00:13:11,002
And until your father has
100% of the vote,
364
00:13:11,003 --> 00:13:12,563
I think we can still make a difference.
365
00:13:12,614 --> 00:13:15,303
I mean, look how poorly we're
polling with African-Americans.
366
00:13:15,304 --> 00:13:17,184
Jack, there's no amount
of money that could...
367
00:13:17,202 --> 00:13:19,162
How dare you talk that way
in front of the pile.
368
00:13:19,196 --> 00:13:20,436
[Goofy voice] Aw, thanks, Jack.
369
00:13:20,437 --> 00:13:21,738
There is no problem in the world
370
00:13:21,789 --> 00:13:23,740
that can't be solved
by throwing money at it.
371
00:13:23,791 --> 00:13:27,711
Now, let's change some black minds.
372
00:13:27,745 --> 00:13:30,714
[Crowd singing]
373
00:13:30,748 --> 00:13:32,716
Look what Jenna's goons have done.
374
00:13:32,750 --> 00:13:33,884
Pete's going insane.
375
00:13:33,918 --> 00:13:35,368
The pranksmen are neutered.
376
00:13:35,386 --> 00:13:37,337
We can't let her get away with this.
377
00:13:37,371 --> 00:13:38,672
Well, what can we do?
378
00:13:38,706 --> 00:13:40,090
We're just three nerdy white guys,
379
00:13:40,141 --> 00:13:42,375
and she's got a whole army.
380
00:13:42,393 --> 00:13:45,679
But what if she didn't?
381
00:13:45,713 --> 00:13:47,380
I know what we should do.
382
00:13:47,398 --> 00:13:49,399
Pumpkin patch?
383
00:13:51,385 --> 00:13:53,804
Hi, I'm Hollywood liberal Don Cheadle,
384
00:13:53,838 --> 00:13:57,574
and I supp...
385
00:13:57,609 --> 00:13:59,392
I support Mitt Romney.
386
00:13:59,410 --> 00:14:00,744
Good, continue.
387
00:14:00,778 --> 00:14:02,529
Barack Obama would have you believe
388
00:14:02,564 --> 00:14:05,249
that African-Americans are
better off under his leadership.
389
00:14:05,283 --> 00:14:07,234
But I just got $10 million
390
00:14:07,252 --> 00:14:08,869
for appearing in an ad for Mitt Romney.
391
00:14:08,903 --> 00:14:10,570
So ask yourselves, brothers and sisters,
392
00:14:10,588 --> 00:14:12,372
who's really got your back?
393
00:14:12,407 --> 00:14:13,707
'Cause from where I'm standing,
394
00:14:13,741 --> 00:14:15,209
Mitt Romney is a...
395
00:14:15,243 --> 00:14:17,761
Oh, my dear...
396
00:14:17,795 --> 00:14:20,047
Mitt Romney is a layup.
397
00:14:20,081 --> 00:14:21,765
But don't just take it from me.
398
00:14:21,799 --> 00:14:25,102
Take it from my good friend
the black transformer, jazz.
399
00:14:25,136 --> 00:14:26,320
What's crackin', my homies?
400
00:14:26,354 --> 00:14:28,238
Jazz gets down
with the rom-nizzle.
401
00:14:28,273 --> 00:14:30,513
Oh, my God, does he really
talk like that in the movie?
402
00:14:30,514 --> 00:14:32,394
Paid for by Americans
for an American America.
403
00:14:32,395 --> 00:14:33,277
"Dy-no-mite."
404
00:14:33,311 --> 00:14:34,761
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
405
00:14:34,779 --> 00:14:36,446
That is garbage.
406
00:14:36,481 --> 00:14:38,098
What are you talking about?
407
00:14:38,116 --> 00:14:41,451
That was don cheadle and jazz,
your heroes.
408
00:14:41,486 --> 00:14:44,738
Do you know how expensive that was?
409
00:14:44,772 --> 00:14:47,291
Okay, I get it.
410
00:14:47,325 --> 00:14:50,627
Let me do some, uh, community organizing.
411
00:14:50,662 --> 00:14:53,747
Sir, I am a deputized election monitor,
412
00:14:53,781 --> 00:14:56,583
and when my supervisor Barbara
gets out of her aquarobics class,
413
00:14:56,618 --> 00:14:58,135
she will be hearing about this,
414
00:14:58,169 --> 00:15:01,138
if she's found the hearing aid
she thinks her roommate stole.
415
00:15:02,674 --> 00:15:04,007
[Upbeat music]
416
00:15:04,058 --> 00:15:07,844
In five, four, three, two.
[Applause]
417
00:15:07,895 --> 00:15:09,513
Listen up, America.
[Applause]
418
00:15:11,933 --> 00:15:13,517
Thomas Jefferson once wrote...
419
00:15:13,568 --> 00:15:18,322
[Cheering, screaming and applause]
420
00:15:24,329 --> 00:15:28,915
[Yelling] The greatest danger
to American freedom...
421
00:15:28,950 --> 00:15:31,368
Shut up!
Listen to the words!
422
00:15:31,419 --> 00:15:36,340
[Yelling] Is a government
that ignores the constitution.
423
00:15:36,374 --> 00:15:38,542
Take it off!
424
00:15:38,593 --> 00:15:39,626
No.
425
00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:43,997
[Cheering and screaming]
426
00:15:44,015 --> 00:15:45,015
Whoo!
427
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,999
This is so demoralizing!
428
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,316
In the past 24 hours,
429
00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:52,334
I've spent millions of dollars.
430
00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:55,004
I got B.E.T.
to let Mike Huckabee present
431
00:15:55,038 --> 00:15:57,373
"Best Club Banger"
at the Hip-Hop Awards.
432
00:15:57,424 --> 00:16:00,626
And yet we're still polling
at 0% among African-Americans.
433
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,178
If my money can't make a difference,
434
00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:03,345
I'm moving to Monaco.
435
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:05,514
- Jack, don't say that.
- I'm serious.
436
00:16:05,549 --> 00:16:07,709
Over there, they solve
all their problems with money.
437
00:16:07,710 --> 00:16:09,218
They use it to put out fires.
438
00:16:09,252 --> 00:16:12,671
Ce feu m'ennuie.
439
00:16:12,689 --> 00:16:14,523
Why should I even bother to vote?
440
00:16:14,558 --> 00:16:17,676
New York will go for Obama
even if I voted a hundred times.
441
00:16:17,694 --> 00:16:18,811
Instead of my usual five.
442
00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:20,085
Maybe you can make a difference
443
00:16:20,086 --> 00:16:21,197
in a battleground state.
444
00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:23,071
Oh, what's the point, Garrett?
You know what?
445
00:16:23,072 --> 00:16:26,018
I'll tell you exactly how this
election is going to play out.
446
00:16:26,036 --> 00:16:30,322
[Cheering on TV]
447
00:16:30,356 --> 00:16:32,858
Hey. I just came in
to see how my friend's doing,
448
00:16:32,876 --> 00:16:37,362
but obviously he went back into
his mouse hole, so, uh...
449
00:16:37,380 --> 00:16:38,363
How are you?
450
00:16:38,381 --> 00:16:39,498
[Scoffs]
451
00:16:39,513 --> 00:16:40,833
Jack was right.
[Cheering stops]
452
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:42,754
People don't want
an idea bomb dropped on them.
453
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,053
Don't give up.
454
00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:46,872
That is not the Lisa Loeb I know.
455
00:16:46,890 --> 00:16:48,373
Why do I even vote?
456
00:16:48,391 --> 00:16:49,871
New York's gonna go for Obama anyway.
457
00:16:49,872 --> 00:16:52,011
Maybe if I lived in Ohio,
I could make a difference.
458
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:53,095
Actually, no.
459
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:54,847
Ohio's definitely going for Romney.
460
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:56,982
Yeah, you don't know
which way Ohio's going.
461
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:58,017
But I do.
462
00:16:58,051 --> 00:16:59,251
Liz Lemon,
I've done stand-up
463
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,603
in every state in this country.
464
00:17:00,654 --> 00:17:02,938
I know the people of America.
465
00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:05,941
I know how they think.
466
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:09,394
I can tell you exactly how
this election is gonna play out.
467
00:17:09,412 --> 00:17:11,447
Everyone knows Romney has
468
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,582
a vacation home in New Hampshire.
469
00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:14,867
What they don't know
470
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:17,419
is that he hunts humans on that property.
471
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:19,255
New Hampshire goes to Obama.
472
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:22,574
Now, North Carolina goes to Romney.
473
00:17:22,592 --> 00:17:23,901
I worked there this summer,
474
00:17:23,902 --> 00:17:26,262
and they are not on board with
a black man lecturing them.
475
00:17:26,296 --> 00:17:29,265
I don't care if it's Obama
talking about health care
476
00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:31,267
or me talking about white butts.
477
00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:33,919
They are different than black butts.
478
00:17:33,937 --> 00:17:36,639
Pennsylvania is Obama's.
479
00:17:36,690 --> 00:17:39,325
The voting machines there
have become sentient.
480
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:40,609
And, for some reason,
481
00:17:40,644 --> 00:17:43,095
they are strongly in favor
of gay marriage.
482
00:17:43,113 --> 00:17:44,897
But we're not gonna win Wisconsin.
483
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,482
I don't know why.
484
00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:49,301
Ever since Tracy set fire
to Lambeau Field,
485
00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:52,270
Wisconsinites are coming around
on the death penalty.
486
00:17:52,289 --> 00:17:55,291
Wisconsin goes for Romney.
487
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:57,126
That just leaves...
488
00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,579
Florida, the penis of America!
489
00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,081
Florida...
490
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:05,067
The penis of America.
491
00:18:05,101 --> 00:18:06,618
Pete!
492
00:18:06,636 --> 00:18:08,337
We have a scheme to destroy Jenna
493
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:09,805
and her army of cretins.
494
00:18:09,839 --> 00:18:11,190
For the past seven years,
495
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:12,725
I've been compiling a supercut
496
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,910
of all of Jenna Maroney's worst moments.
497
00:18:14,944 --> 00:18:18,147
Security footage,
cell phone videos, rehearsals...
498
00:18:18,181 --> 00:18:21,633
All her biggest diva freak-outs
are on this DVD.
499
00:18:21,651 --> 00:18:23,485
When we put this online,
500
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,656
the crabcatchers will see
what a fraud Jenna is.
501
00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:29,325
[Grunting]
502
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:31,660
Someone get a P.A.
to feed me baby food.
503
00:18:31,695 --> 00:18:35,331
Or I will drop a "D" in the greenroom.
504
00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:37,315
No, Pete! Why?
505
00:18:37,334 --> 00:18:39,484
Last night, after the show...
506
00:18:39,502 --> 00:18:42,454
[Cheering, rhythm instruments jingling]
507
00:18:42,488 --> 00:18:45,824
I went to give them a piece of my mind.
508
00:18:45,842 --> 00:18:47,325
Enjoy, bro.
509
00:18:47,344 --> 00:18:48,594
But before I could...
510
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:49,595
♪ Slow down
511
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,164
they gave me peace.
512
00:18:52,182 --> 00:18:53,999
♪ Way down
513
00:18:54,017 --> 00:18:57,553
♪ go down to the water
514
00:18:57,604 --> 00:19:00,522
there were no 1020-Gs
down there.
515
00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:02,107
No neck pain.
516
00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:03,859
No fear.
517
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:07,512
Just easy livin'.
518
00:19:07,530 --> 00:19:09,531
Something you mainlanders
wouldn't understand.
519
00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:12,350
Pete, come on.
520
00:19:12,369 --> 00:19:14,352
Pete's dead.
521
00:19:14,371 --> 00:19:17,489
I'm Panama, now.
522
00:19:19,376 --> 00:19:20,859
Now, like any penis,
523
00:19:20,877 --> 00:19:23,245
Florida is very complicated.
524
00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:25,530
The Cubans in the South...
Very conservative.
525
00:19:25,548 --> 00:19:27,916
I had a lot of expensive cigars
put out on me
526
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,668
in Miami comedy clubs.
527
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:32,504
But central Florida is dominated
528
00:19:32,538 --> 00:19:34,556
by Jewish retirees, serial killers,
529
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:37,375
and secretly gay Disney princes,
530
00:19:37,394 --> 00:19:39,377
all of whom love Obama.
531
00:19:39,396 --> 00:19:41,379
Meanwhile...
532
00:19:41,398 --> 00:19:44,400
In Northern Florida...
533
00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:45,567
Huh.
534
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:48,386
The only crowds I could never figure out
535
00:19:48,405 --> 00:19:50,555
were in Northern Florida.
536
00:19:50,573 --> 00:19:51,853
One week they're laughing at me,
537
00:19:51,854 --> 00:19:53,725
the next week, they're laughing at me.
538
00:19:53,743 --> 00:19:55,560
According to this, the electorate there
539
00:19:55,578 --> 00:19:57,413
is impossible to predict.
540
00:19:57,447 --> 00:19:59,998
It's a combination
of elderly shut-ins,
541
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:01,200
beach bums...
542
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,285
Both: Bus passengers
who ran out of money...
543
00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:06,171
Swamp people and pirates.
544
00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:08,924
These people don't like
to be told what to do.
545
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:11,409
They just want
to sit on the beach and drink.
546
00:20:11,428 --> 00:20:14,379
There motto is "unwindulax."
547
00:20:14,413 --> 00:20:17,549
Unwindulax.
[Crowd chanting "Jenna"]
548
00:20:17,583 --> 00:20:20,719
Oh, my God.
[Crowd chanting "Jenna"]
549
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:22,971
Morning, Crabcatchers.
550
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:25,140
[Crowd chanting "Jenna"]
551
00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:28,227
You all unwindulaxing?
552
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,561
[Crowd chanting "Jenna"]
553
00:20:29,595 --> 00:20:32,197
One person can make a difference.
554
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:35,134
[Whispers] And that person is Jenna!
555
00:20:35,168 --> 00:20:37,435
The next president of the United States
556
00:20:37,454 --> 00:20:40,038
will be chosen by...
557
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:43,659
Jenna Maroney.
558
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,828
To be continued...
559
00:20:45,879 --> 00:20:48,747
Mr. Spider.
560
00:20:48,781 --> 00:20:50,332
Ew, web in my mouth!
561
00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:55,551
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
562
00:20:55,961 --> 00:20:57,601
Male announcer:
Next week, on 30 Rock...
563
00:20:57,635 --> 00:21:00,637
Will Jenna Maroney choose the
next leader of the free world?
564
00:21:00,688 --> 00:21:02,356
Will Jack or Liz manipulate her
565
00:21:02,390 --> 00:21:03,941
into doing the thing we just said?
566
00:21:03,975 --> 00:21:05,609
Will Cerie ever wear a piece of clothing
567
00:21:05,643 --> 00:21:06,777
for its intended use?
568
00:21:06,811 --> 00:21:08,779
Will Pete drop the whole "Panama" thing,
569
00:21:08,813 --> 00:21:10,330
and have a totally different story?
570
00:21:10,365 --> 00:21:12,316
Spoiler alert...
Yes.
571
00:21:12,367 --> 00:21:14,301
Is Tracy actually a wereotter?
572
00:21:14,335 --> 00:21:16,820
Will Kellan Lutz fill his tummy
with "marsh-mal-lows"?
573
00:21:16,871 --> 00:21:18,831
Will the invisible murderer
who's in every scene
574
00:21:18,832 --> 00:21:19,623
finally strike?
575
00:21:19,657 --> 00:21:21,959
Will NBC's head of promotions
ever get that mousetrap
576
00:21:21,993 --> 00:21:23,243
off his penis?
577
00:21:23,277 --> 00:21:26,279
Will Kenneth finally defeat
his Nemesis, Mr. Spider?
578
00:21:26,297 --> 00:21:27,564
Will your DVR cut this pro...