What would you be doing
right now if you were single?
[Ding!]
What's wrong with my life?
Not much. What about you?
[Ding!]
Sex with Ryan Gosling...
Uh, marry Chris Hemsworth...
And I would kill...
I'm glad those days are behind us.
Me too.
I wish that it could just be you and me all the time.
- [Chuckles] - [Ding!]
Narrator: In the span of three months,
Andrew and Zelda went from being alone...
To meeting...
To just recently falling in love.
So it's never been more important
that they get some alone time, which is difficult
- with her roommate, Stephie, around... - [Ding!]
Hey, guys, can I just grab my earrings?
Narrator: And even more difficult
with Stephie's new boyfriend, Joseph, staying with them.
Oi!
Where's my little London crumpet biscuit at?
- Mm. - Good morning.
- Oh? Oh. Okay. - Good morning.
- I'm gonna... do you guys... - Oh.
- [Chuckles] - Sorry.
Girl, you can't leave without giving me a kiss.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh, um, hey, Zelda, thank you so much
for letting me stay here.
I mean, I'm out as soon as I find a place.
Oh, are you moving to here?
- Oh, yeah. Didn't I tell you? - No.
Joseph's relocating to L.A.
That's amazing. We should all celebrate
- by leaving the bathroom. - Yes.
[Chuckles]
I have to be at a meeting in 20 minutes, and I'm still not dressed,
so I have to make a break for it, okay? All right.
All right, I'm right behind you. Go for it.
- All right, come on. - Come on.
Oh, hey, I can't fit under there.
I'll wait for you!
I'll be fine! I've got a magazine!
Narrator: Andrew and Zelda will date for seven months,
one week, four days, and three hours.
This television program is the comprehensive account
of their relationship...
From A to Z.
Dane, so nice of you to fly in unannounced.
Dane: Save it, Lydia.
I'm here as a personal favor to the chairman himself.
- How is Mr. Frankel? - He's on a respirator.
So his condition's improved. Heart of a lion, him.
A baboon, actually.
Uh, stop trying to get me off point.
You failed to spot a programming glitch
that shut down the site for three hours.
Dane, I've got my best people on this.
- [Fingers snapping] - This is, uh, uh, uh...
- Lora. - She's the best...
- Programmer. - That we have.
Until you earn corporate's trust back, I'm basically
the police sent here to monitor your performance,
so every breath you take, every move you make,
every single day...
I'll be monitoring your performance.
We're still trying to get to the bottom of what happened,
but we're working as fast as we can.
Do you think he likes me?
[Telephone rings]
- Hello? - Hello.
Hi. Who's this?
How do you not know who this...
[Chuckling] Oh!
That's funny.
Uh, listen, Stephie has to work at home tonight,
and Joseph has an extra ticket to the clippers game,
so would you want to go?
No. No, no, no. I'm sorry. Joseph is awesome.
But I'm hitting my breaking point with us not...
Spending any time alone together?
Yeah. I know.
[Whispering] Stu and Stephie won't give us
a minute to ourselves.
Stephie: Hi, Andrew. Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting.
It's Stephie here.
I just wanted to say thank you so much
for going tonight with Joseph.
He's so excited, and to be honest with you,
he'd be excited to go with the volleyball from "cast away."
- Stephie... - He has no friends here yet.
- Stephie... - Okay, I've got to go.
Um, but thank you again. Bye.
Goodbye.
So, should we go to your place tonight?
We can't. Stu's gonna be there, and you know how that goes.
We can do comedy. You know. [Laughs]
- [Both screaming] - Oh! Oh!
I'm so sorry! It's me! It's really cold in here.
Also, do you know whose knife this is?
[Thunder crashes]
[Gasps] Oh, no.
What? What?
[Rapid footsteps approach]
I know that thunder's just the sound of God bowling.
[Voice shaking] But can I spend the night with you guys?
What?
Okay. Ah. Mm.
- [Both laughing] - Hey, guys, guys!
Stop what you're doing! Guys! Guys!
I have good news. I bought a tarantula.
- There's nothing in that cage. - [Chuckles]
Which brings me to the bad news.
- No! No! No! No! No! No! No! - Watch your step! She's pregnant!
What if we got a hotel room?
Um, I don't pay for hotels in the city where I live.
That is a personal rule of mine.
I get it.
It's like how I don't order a tuna melt at a restaurant
because I could just make one at home.
- Yeah, it's just like that. - So that's it.
There's nowhere for us to be alone.
Hey, guys, you want to go to second breakfast?
- Stu, can you give us one second, please? - I'm so sorry. I'm...
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Stu, stu, stu, stu, stu. Stu.
Hey, buddy, uh, do you want to go with Joseph
- to a clipper's game tonight? - Depends.
Is he cool with insulting opposing players
with regards to, like, the ugliness of their mothers
or stuff like that?
He has given me no reason to believe otherwise.
Then I'm in, sure. Let's do this!
Nice move.
I'll see you tonight at 7:00, my place.
This wine is amazing.
Oh, it's so good.
When we're alone, everything is so much better.
- I know. It feels like we're on vacation. - Yeah.
I feel like we're in, like, Italy or something.
Yeah. Salute.
- Salute. - [Glasses clink]
Mmm.
What other Italian words do you know?
[Italian accent] Tortellini.
Ooh. More.
Spaghetti.
[Italian accent] Lamborghini.
Christina Ricci. [Chuckles]
- Tutti-fru... - Stephie: Zelda!
[Normal voice] Why?
Andrew, you really shouldn't keep the door unlocked.
- It's Los Angeles. That's dangerous. - Stephie...
Which one of you had the genius idea
to send my Joseph on a man-date with stu?
[Normal voice] Oh, no.
Joseph's mom isn't an ugly woman, is she?
What? No. They're now apparently besties.
And one day, Joseph and I are gonna get married,
and stu is gonna be his best man.
He's gonna make a speech about how he was with me first
and then some weird, inappropriate joke
about how the baby might actually be his... oh, my gosh.
You're planning on being pregnant at your wedding?
Wouldn't I be the best man? I introduced both of you.
Mm. Great. Joseph is almost home. Okay.
- Oh, my goodness. - I'm sorry. All right.
- I'm so sor... love you. - Thanks for eating with us.
- Bye-bye. - Get home safe.
- Finally. - Oh, my God.
Okay, what we were... What were we...
Whoo! That was a game right there!
I got clipper sweat on my pants.
And Joseph definitely has a way
of making men feel bad about their mothers' looks.
He was vicious.
Also, there's gonna be a thunderstorm tonight,
so I suggest we skip a step
and let me just go to bed with you guys.
I'll see you there. I'll make it warm.
This is getting out of hand.
We may never spend any time alone together again.
We might as well go sleep on a beach.
I think that's illegal.
Yeah. Plus, after dark, the transient's come and tickle you.
What?
It's a tale for another time.
Wait. This is crazy.
Why don't you just ask stu to take off for the evening
so that we can be alone?
Because I have a weird, codependent relationship,
and I'm scared of hurting his feelings.
But what you said.
Hey, St...
Yes, best friend?
Uh, what do you think about seeing a movie tonight?
Sure, yeah. What do you want to see?
Ooh, I got to go down to the dollar store
so I can get some candy
so I can tape it to my upper thigh.
Actually, I was... I was thinking maybe,
uh, you' go see the movie,
and Zelda and I would hang out...
I don't know... At home.
Fine. I get it. I'm the bad guy.
Just to clarify,
you want to kick me out of my own apartment,
where I pay half the rent.
Stu, nobody's kicking you out of anything.
W-we just want our own space for one night.
You don't even have to go anywhere.
You can stay in your room all night if you want.
Thank you, your majesty.
You know I don't feel comfortable in there.
I still haven't found the tarantula.
Stu, can you just be real with me for one second?
Sure, I will go first. You broke my crock pot.
And also, the only thing you care about
in this whole universe is Zelda.
Oh, forgive me if I want to be comfortable
with my girlfriend for one night.
You see that? You proved my point.
You didn't even mention the crock pot.
Why are we talking about a crock pot?
If you're not comfortable,
maybe you should find your own place.
Maybe I will.
- Good. - Great.
- Fine. - Fine!
- Great! - Okay.
Could you rush off now? Because I'm expecting a call.
I wasn't expecting a call.
You wouldn't know it looking at me,
but I haven't always had the easiest time with men.
They're intimidated by my power, by my brashness,
and by the fact that I've been this tall
since the third grade.
[Monotone] Wow. That's really irritating.
Stop.
If we're going to have girl talk,
you need to speak more girl-like.
[Socal accent] I can totally do that.
Take it down a notch.
[Normal voice] Oh. [Clears throat]
Hmm.
[Neutral voice] How's this?
Perfect.
And what about this costume that you wear every day?
Are you amish?
No. It's my signature look.
It's off-putting, and it needs to end.
Now, regarding girl talk, how does one do that?
Well, from what I gather, we call each other "girlfriend"
and remain supportive
even if the other one says something idiotic.
Okay.
[Inhales sharply, squeals]
I had your ex-boyfriend, Dinesh,
crash our server for three hours
so Dane would be forced to come here
and pay attention to me.
That's straight-up crazy.
Girlfriend.
[Keyboard clacking]
[Door opens]
Oh. I see you're looking at new apartments.
That's good timing, seeing how I have a new roommate.
Oh, yeah? How did you find one so fast?
Oh, whoa, dude, this place is sweet.
Hey, Andrew.
- Hi, Joseph. - [Door closes]
All this stuff is mine, pretty much.
Uh, the only thing that won't be here is this.
- Honestly? - And this is the couch upon which
we will forge our friendship, Joseph,
watching sporting events and eating various homemade dips.
Ooh. I make a mean seven-layer. I'm listening.
- Well, I start with a bean layer. - Hoo-hoo, I'm interested.
Then tortilla strips and double tub of sour cream.
Ooh. Oh, yeah. That's so weird.
The previous tenant felt that the sour cream
- made the chips soggy. - So get a thicker chip.
That's what I've been saying... Thicker chips!
- Yeah. [Chuckles] - Thick chips, baby! Ha ha!
"Thick chips" could be our wi-fi password.
- That sounds amazing. - Now follow me.
I want to show you my Japanese talking toilet.
It says "arigatou" when you pee in it.
[Both laugh]
- Let's go pee in it! - All right!
[Both laugh]
Hey, Zelda, it's me.
Uh, can you meet me at 1550 hilhurst at 2:30?
I have a surprise.
As you can see, it's a perfect bachelor unit,
centrally located.
Uh, do you believe in ghosts?
No.
Ah. Lots of natural light, hardwood floors.
Hey, Zelda, isn't this amazing?
Yes. What's going on?
This is the surprise. What do you think?
I think it's perfect for us.
Me too.
Ooh, is that, uh, original linoleum?
- Yes. Yes. - [Sighs]
Did you just agree to move in with your girlfriend?
♪
Ugh, there are so many barriers
between Dane and I being together.
I'm upper middle management.
He's lower upper management.
Our worlds are too different.
I don't know.
Dinesh and I are perfect on paper,
but together we're messier than Karen from accounting's hair.
[Both laugh]
Good girl talk, lora!
Thank you.
Okay, so, whato I do about Dane?
Quit my job and then ask him out?
No! That's terrible advice, lora.
Sorry. I overstepped.
But if you ask me,
he's probably just looking for his opening.
You got to go for it.
Be direct and straightforward.
That's great advice. Can you do it for me?
Yeah, girl!
So, um, are you really actually
just gonna move in with Andrew?
Because you do know what that means, don't you?
Yeah. We're not gonna be roommates anymore.
No, no, no. I'm now living with Joseph.
What?
Yeah, I mean, I told him that you were moving out,
and he was like, "oh, sweet, I'll just live here."
And I said, "well, hang on.
I don't know if we're ready for that yet."
And he just ignored me and carried on having sex with me.
Oh. Well, um, listen.
Yes, it can feel like a, um, terrifying... Step forward,
but maybe it'll bring the two of you closer together.
Who knows? Anything's possible.
Is that what you told yourself about Andrew?
This is insane. What did I just do?
We've only been together for three months.
[Laughs]
Try a long weekend and a dirty Skype call.
Well, it's obvious what we have to do, right?
We have to tell them that it's off
and, uh, continue to live together.
Right, and spend our evenings
telling ourselves how great we are
and wondering why nobody wants to settle down with us.
Point taken.
Okay.
But the alternative is to take a huge leap of faith.
Well, yeah, I mean, it's even huger for me.
I don't even know Joseph's last name.
But I'm not scared.
I'm not scared, either?
So, we're doing this.
Yeah, we're doing this.
I just can't believe you asked Zelda to move in with you.
I kind of didn't ask Zelda to move in with me.
I was just showing her my new apartment,
- and she kind of assumed that... - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
So you don't really want to move in with her.
Great.
Why don't you move back in with me?
What about Joseph?
Great guy, terrible roommate...
Is what he said about me.
Ah. It's not that I don't want to move in with Zelda.
I just... I feel like it's too soon.
- What do you think? - Depends on who you ask...
The, uh, supportive friend
that wants what's best for you at all times
or the huge man that wants to carry you around
in a pouch like a baby kangaroo.
Definitely the first one.
Damn it. Okay.
Ah!
If you really like someone,
there is something to be said for making the leap.
Yeah.
We're doing this.
You're doing this. I'm not doing anything.
Do you think this polynesian motif
- is appropriate for the workplace? - What?
Is your job like a vacation to you?
Well, I haven't had a vacation in four years, so...
[Chuckles, stammers]
Lora, you look... Can we help you?
Yes, Mr... Guy from corporate.
There is someone in the office who is interested in...
A consensual, non-work-related relationship.
I think I know exactly the person of whom you speak.
- Lydia. - Yes, Dane?
Would you be so kind as to print out
a relationship-disclosure form for myself and...
Lora here?
We're going on a date.
Lunch tomorrow?
And if you can be discreet,
maybe we'll have one light beer.
[Folder slaps]
[Exhales slowly]
[Indistinct conversations]
Okay.
Just need to sign here. Great.
Okay.
No. I don't know why the pen doesn't work.
- What? - Oh, that's a shame.
No.
Oh, it works. [Chuckles]
- Oh, okay. - There it is.
- [Pen clatters] - Oh.
Oh. Sorry. I don't know. You... it's not working.
Did you need... Do you want to try?
- Oh, sure, yeah. I don't know. - It didn't work for me.
Oh-ho, this is heavy! This is... what is this?
This is nice. Is this a montblanc?
No. I stole it from a red lobster.
Oh! Well, it's nice either way.
- Well, thanks. - Okay.
Here, I... I'm gonna sign here?
Yeah. There you go. Sign right here.
- Here I go. - Stephie: Hi, guys.
[Cellphone rings] Hi.
- Hi. What are you doing here? - Phone.
Oh, sorry.
Well, we... we just thought, um, we'd come by and we'd...
We'd see the place
and say congratulations 'cause congratulations.
I mean, you guys are moving in together. That's a big step.
Mm. Massive, really huge, terrifying,
but appropriate step, I think.
- Stu: Hey. - Wow. Stu.
Stu, why are you here?
I just wanted to bring you guys some macaroons
as a housewarming gift.
- Oh, thank you very much. - Thank you.
Where are the macaroons then?
I ate them in the car while sobbing at a stop light.
So, instead...
I have $23.
Okay. Thank you.
Thank you, buddy.
Okay. I'm gonna do this.
Great.
- I'm gonna sign. - Okay.
I'll sign...
Andrew, I don't think that we should, um...
Stephie: No, and neither do I.
I have exactly the same reservations as Zelda.
I mean... I was gonna say
"sign without reading the lease agreement first."
[Chuckles] I don't know what she's talking about.
- You're having reservations? - Stu: That's perfect.
He didn't even want to move in with you in the first place.
Man: Guys, uh, almost forgot.
Before you sign, I am required to tell you...
There's a sex offender living downstairs.
And it's me.
- Lydia, - I just want you to know
that I'm not interested in Dane, and this is...
What are you doing? You don't drink wine.
You don't know me, baby.
[Chuckling] What's going on?
- Oh, nothing. - [Stifled cough]
We're just lubing up for a nooner.
- What? - There you are.
Well, if you'll excuse us, Lydia,
we have lunch reservations at the California pizza kitchen.
More wine, Danny?
Yes, Dane, the rumors are true.
Danny and I... Are an item.
[Chuckling] It's Dinesh.
Lydia, if this is some misguided attempt
at making me feel...
[Chuckling] I don't know... jealous
- or something... - Please. Ugh.
Well, it's worked.
Lora was just a pawn that I used to get to you.
She was a pawn in my game, as well.
I was?
Perhaps we should continue this discussion
over unconventional pizzas in a casual atmosphere.
You had me at "perhaps."
Wine?
'Cause I've had a lot.
Was stu excited that you're moving back in with him?
He's been making me origami all morning as a thank-you.
Um, I still think that it's for the best
that we're not moving in together.
Totally. Yeah. No. You... You can't rush into things.
And I, of all people, should know that, by the way.
My teenage bedroom was littered
with "pro" and "con" lists and, uh, decision trees.
When it's time, it'll feel right.
Yeah. Now just wasn't the time.
It's not the time... Right?
No. Unless... Unless you think it is.
I don't.
Neither do I.
So, it's settled.
What do you say we order in at your place tonight?
Actually, I would love to, but, um, Stephie and Joseph
are making blood sausage tonight,
which is either a euphemism or the real thing.
Either way, I want no part of it.
What about your place?
Stu's auditioning steel drummers
for the reggae band that he's never gonna form.
I'm still glad we're not moving in.
Just wasn't the right time.
[Vacuum whirring]
So... [Sighs]
Remember when you said that part of girl talk
was remaining supportive
even if the other one said something idiotic?
Yeah.
Well, when I called you a "pawn"...
I know. You didn't mean it.
You just didn't want to look weak in front of Dane.
It's okay. I've been friends with the cool girl before.
I suppose I am the cool girl.
So, what's next with you and Dane?
Oh, my gosh, lora, I don't know!
He flew back tonight. Should I have asked him to stay?
No. You don't want to rush a thing like that.
Besides, something tells me
the server could crash again soon.
I hope you don't think any less of me
now that you know how dysfunctional I am with men.
No judgment here... Girlfriend.
I'm a tiger.
Well, I don't hear any drumming.
- That's a good sigh, right? - [Sighs]
- You can't come in. - Stu, come on.
- Stu. Open the door. - Can't come in.
Give me $200.
- What? - Come on, St...
- What's that on the wall? - What?
Ohh!
- Oh. Hi, guys. Ta-da. - What is this?
What is this?
Well, we felt that we've both been a bit selfish
in regards to giving you guys some space.
So, for the next three days,
this apartment is entirely yours.
- I'm crashing at Stephie's. - No, he's not.
[Chuckles] I'm not.
But don't you worry about old stu
'cause I got red roof inn points,
and they got color TV now.
You guys.
This is so incredibly sweet.
- I was gonna invite you to stay. - We're not going to.
Okay, we are gonna leave you to it. Okay.
- Have fun. - Enjoy.
Yourselves.
[Chuckles] See what we did.
Sync & corrections by madhatters www.addic7ed.com