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The ChanneI 3 Noon Report, with anchor
partners Greg Corbin and Terry Bates.
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News that's independent,
proud and unashamed.
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- Good news today, Greg.
- Sure is.
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The threat level has been lowered,
prompting reductions in security.
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The threat level is now blue,
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- same as my handsome coanchor's eyes.
- Stop.
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- Come on, now. Learn to take a compliment.
- Thank you.
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Now, how hard is that?
Let's check the freeways.
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Hey, they just lowered the terror level.
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- Sweet. Wanna play backgammon?
- Do l.
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Well done.
Our country is a full colour-value safer.
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Hey. The boss just said
we could take a half-day.
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All right. l got stuff to do.
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- Wanna ride the escalators at the mall?
- Do l.
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- Take something out or close the refrigerator.
- Nothing looks good to me.
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You know what looks good?
Francine bent over that sink.
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Klaus, calm down. Well, you're home early.
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That's my reward
for making the world a safer place.
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That and this magnificent paycheck.
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- That's my Stan the Man.
- Here's your allowance, champ.
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- Wow. A whole five bucks.
- Yeah, l need change.
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- l can't buy a GameStation with this.
- You know, when l was a boy, $5...
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l'll give you $10 not to tell me this story.
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- What's this? Smells like crap.
- lt should be empty. l had my soup for lunch.
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Honey, why is there a biohazard symbol
on your Thermos?
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Lemme see that.
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This is not soup.
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Langley Falls, where the Smith family is
quarantined in their Georgian colonial home.
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Actually, it's a Cape Cod.
The shutters are a dead giveaway.
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Thanks for correcting me, that's how l learn.
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They've been exposed to a biological agent
which will liquefy their internal organs.
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We have an image
of what that might look like,
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- but it's not for the squeamish.
- l'm not gonna look.
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This is a nightmare.
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Don't worry,
the media sensationalises everything.
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- Friend, what's the real deal?
- You're not going to die...
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- See there?
- What a relief.
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..for 24 hours.
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Just enough time for you to learn not
to interrupt someone when they're talking.
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We'll find a place for that homeless shelter.
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Thanks for all your hard work, Hayley.
And thanks for walking me home.
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My God.
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They let me come say goodbye.
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- l'm gonna miss you guys.
- How come she gets to live?
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l was helping the homeless
while you were being a loser.
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Yeah? Who's the loser now, loser?
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- Mom, Steve just infected me.
- Nobody likes a snitch.
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l don't believe this. We're all gonna die.
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Yeah, tough break.
Can you hold this for me?
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- What are you doing?
- Measuring for drapes.
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Soon as you're dead,
l'm gonna redo this place.
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l'm thinking something vibrant,
like a sea foam green.
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Cos l'm gonna need a lot of happy
to get over all this sad.
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- Dimmer switches everywhere.
- What makes you think you'll survive?
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- l'm immune to all human ailments.
- So explain that cold sore.
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- Mind your own business.
- Stop bickering. Time is precious.
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We have to make the most
of our last 24 hours together.
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She's right.
We should sit together as a family.
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And watch
the entire first season of 24 on DVD.
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That was bold television.
We still have a minute to spare.
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- l can't believe l'll die a virgin.
- Sweetie.
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There was a 70-80% chance
of that happening anyway.
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- Daddy.
- No tears, dammit. A Smith dies with dignity.
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Kids, l've been tough on you,
but only because l love you so very, very...
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Right. l should probably wait.
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This is it.
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Look.
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- l was just snoozing.
- You're alive. We all are.
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That clock's always fast.
Let's give it a few more minutes.
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Good news. That batch of virus was inert.
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- So that means...
- We're gonna be OK.
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Yes. Although apparently
your manners died years ago.
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You're welcome.
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- What's wrong, honey? We're alive.
- l know, and that's good.
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But, well, when l thought
we were gonna die,
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it made me realise
how little l've done with my life.
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And now l guess l'm feeling unfulfilled.
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l've given you everything
you could ever want.
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You clean, you cook, and once a week
we lie together as husband and wife.
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- What's going on?
- Hi, Barb Hanson, Exposition Realty.
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Your virus scare prompted these folks
to put their house on the market.
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- Any questions?
- No, that was very concise.
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Call if you ever need a real estate agent.
l'm also a hand model.
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Sweet Sean Hannity. Your hands are lovely.
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- Come on, Francine.
- Boy. She seems so confident.
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The way she wears that smart blazer with her
company's logo. Her life must be so exciting.
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- You could do what she does.
- You think?
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Absolutely. We will absolutely get you
a real estate costume. You'll look adorable.
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And l'll dress up as a sea captain.
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- l mean a real job.
- lt'll be great.
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l'll be Admiral Finch and you'll be
Lady Constantina, my real estate agent.
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We'll promenade around,
delighting young and old with our banter.
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l can't be a real estate agentjust because
you say so. lt takes years to get a licence.
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You leave that to me, milady.
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- Barb Hanson?
- Yes.
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Go.
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Wait. Go.
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- What's going on?
- Congratulations, you're in real estate.
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- This is Barb's stuff. What happened to her?
- She'll be fine.
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Hi, Barb Hanson, Exposition Realty.
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Mind if l borrow one of your napkins?
Thanks.
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- You let your wife get ajob?
- No, it's more like a hobby.
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Something to keep her busy
until Stan the Man gets home.
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- l worked in real estate.
- What are you, gay?
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l was. Once l stopped selling houses,
my sodomy cleared up like that.
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You know what's wrong about gayness?
With two men, who has the vagina?
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- No kidding. You need a vagina.
- Yeah, vaginas are great. Wish l had one.
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l did it, l sold my first house.
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Who's my big girl? And such a nice family.
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They're just the movers.
The new owners are Greg and Terry.
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We don't want their kind
in this neighbourhood.
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- You're overreacting.
- Overreacting? Overreacting?
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Do you know what those two are?
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Reporters. That's right, Francine,
members of the liberal media.
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Stan, not all journalists are bad.
You like Brit Hume, don't you?
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You know damn well l like Brit Hume.
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- Just give Greg and Terry a chance.
- All right, but if l... What the hell?
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Dimmer switch.
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l'm sorry. Too fabulous? l hate this place.
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l haven't even told you the best part.
Look at my commission cheque.
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lncredible. That is more
than Stan the Man makes in a month.
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And that's just for one house.
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You have been emasculated by the superior
earning power of your little Hausfrau.
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God. Stud. Stud. Hit the stud.
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- Well, you're in a pickle here.
- l agree. ln a relationship, money is power.
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This is just a bump in the road.
Francine's like a puppy.
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She's having fun chewing her new bone,
selling a few houses,
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but she'll get bored and go back to ironing
and scooting her ass on the carpet.
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- Open your eyes. Your manhood is at stake.
- That's crazy.
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ls it? When my wife started working,
l didn't think twice.
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But she kept earning more and more money
and then one day, bam!
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And l didn't even get to say goodbye.
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Your manhood is at stake.
Your manhood is at stake. Your...
134
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We're not gonna car pool any more.
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Here's to Mom. She's finally cast off
the shackles of domestic servitude
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and realised her potential
as an independent woman.
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How would you like a punch in the face?
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l have a little surprise.
l bought you all presents.
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- A donation for my shelter.
- 50 bucks towards my GameStation.
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A tie? When do l ever wear a tie?
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- Thank you very much.
- You paid? You were going to the bathroom.
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- l did both.
- You can just do it all, can't you?
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Yeah, and we still need 100 bucks
for that GameStation.
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Don't worry, l have a plan.
Toshi, you have a video camera, right?
145
00:10:27,804 --> 00:10:30,971
Wow, that's a lot of words for ''Of course''.
146
00:10:31,057 --> 00:10:34,390
l get it. We can sell Toshi's camera
and get the money.
147
00:10:34,477 --> 00:10:39,638
Why do you always make everything so
complicated? The plan is quite simple really.
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Toshi will borrow a camcorder
from his parents.
149
00:10:43,528 --> 00:10:46,612
Meanwhile, Snot and l
will find some lovely ladies
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willing to ''go wild''
in exchange for a little financial aid.
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We'll have ourselves a little photo shoot.
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00:10:53,746 --> 00:10:59,701
After that, we make thousands of duplicates,
market the tapes on late-night cable TV.
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And then we retire and live out our days
playing video games.
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00:11:08,303 --> 00:11:13,012
l wasn't sure about you fellas, but sometimes
you just wanna be around other men.
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- lt's nice to meet you too.
- Yeah. Thanks for dropping in.
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00:11:16,853 --> 00:11:21,978
l envy you guys. Just a couple
of unmarried studs enjoying life to the max.
157
00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:26,694
- Actually, Greg was married once.
- l was confused. ls that why you're here?
158
00:11:26,780 --> 00:11:29,022
lt's strained between me and the missus.
159
00:11:29,115 --> 00:11:33,327
The balance of power in our relationship
has shifted and l don't like it.
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00:11:33,412 --> 00:11:35,700
A healthy relationship is a partnership.
161
00:11:35,789 --> 00:11:38,956
Well, it's never equal.
Someone always ends up on top.
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- Yeah, but sometimes it's OK to switch.
- Really?
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- Down the line.
- l think l hear what you guys are saying.
164
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l'm the man and l have to reclaim the power
in my marriage. Hey, thanks, fellas.
165
00:11:53,307 --> 00:11:57,684
- Take a picture, why don't you?
- l'm being polite. lt'd be rude not to look.
166
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Forgive me, Francine.
l'm only doing this to save our marriage.
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00:12:05,444 --> 00:12:09,524
What am l thinking?
This is the woman l love.
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00:12:09,615 --> 00:12:11,738
That's better.
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00:12:11,825 --> 00:12:16,737
Dammit, l'm such a softie. There's gotta
be a better way to put her out of business.
170
00:12:18,290 --> 00:12:21,494
- Excuse me. Are you Francine's boss?
- Yes.
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00:12:21,586 --> 00:12:25,333
- Go, go, go. You're all under arrest.
- For what?
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00:12:25,422 --> 00:12:28,210
- Cocaine doughnuts.
- Those are powdered sugar.
173
00:12:28,301 --> 00:12:30,376
Put it in a rap song, jailbird.
174
00:12:30,469 --> 00:12:33,221
- This office is closed.
- What are you saying?
175
00:12:33,306 --> 00:12:35,879
l'm saying you're fired.
176
00:12:35,975 --> 00:12:38,300
For God's sake. Somebody pay Mr Trump.
177
00:12:40,980 --> 00:12:43,352
Sure we can use this house for our shoot?
178
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,857
l heard Mom say it's been on the market
so long, it's been forgotten.
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00:12:46,944 --> 00:12:50,644
Eavesdropper.
You should respect her privacy.
180
00:12:50,739 --> 00:12:56,575
- We don't expose our breasts without beer.
- Got ya covered.
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00:12:59,790 --> 00:13:02,328
What?
182
00:13:02,418 --> 00:13:05,918
We are going neither wild nor totally wild
at a shelter.
183
00:13:06,005 --> 00:13:08,293
But we are taking your beer.
184
00:13:08,382 --> 00:13:11,218
You ruined everything.
What are you doing here?
185
00:13:11,302 --> 00:13:15,346
l'm giving these poor, forgotten people
a new lease on life.
186
00:13:15,431 --> 00:13:18,183
l think Phil is dead.
187
00:13:23,356 --> 00:13:29,110
- Now we'll never get a GameStation.
- Au contraire, my dear Snot.
188
00:13:31,030 --> 00:13:33,106
Hey, honey, l just heard the news.
189
00:13:33,199 --> 00:13:37,528
Too bad about your office. Looks like
l'm making more money than you again.
190
00:13:37,620 --> 00:13:42,413
l'd advise you to write an offer soon.
Mortgage rates won't stay this low forever.
191
00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:48,171
- That's real-estate chatter.
- She's closing a duplex at 4% over list.
192
00:13:48,256 --> 00:13:51,257
Francine, what the hell is going on?
You were fired.
193
00:13:51,342 --> 00:13:55,043
That's passive past tense, Trump.
You don't own that.
194
00:13:55,138 --> 00:14:00,049
Stan, l'm on the phone. Sorry, Randy. l'm
working out of my home office these days.
195
00:14:00,143 --> 00:14:02,515
- Here you go, boss.
- ''Boss''?
196
00:14:02,604 --> 00:14:06,436
l'm Ms Smith's assistant.
Can l get you something while you wait?
197
00:14:06,525 --> 00:14:09,311
- A bottled water.
- lt's not cold. ls that all right?
198
00:14:09,402 --> 00:14:11,690
Forget it.
199
00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:14,484
- Fran Smith and Associate.
- Hold her calls.
200
00:14:14,574 --> 00:14:18,786
- Francine, stop this nonsense.
- Nonsense? This job is my career.
201
00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:22,405
My job is a career.
This is just some silly housewife's hobby.
202
00:14:22,498 --> 00:14:25,868
Yeah? Well this silly housewife
loves her hobby.
203
00:14:25,961 --> 00:14:28,997
She's good at it. ln fact, she kicks ass.
204
00:14:29,088 --> 00:14:34,000
- So her husband will just have to deal with it.
- l could've assassinated you.
205
00:14:34,094 --> 00:14:35,552
- What?
- Nothing.
206
00:14:39,766 --> 00:14:43,716
- lt was my house first.
- You can't stand in the way of progress.
207
00:14:43,812 --> 00:14:45,436
Hey. What's going on?
208
00:14:45,522 --> 00:14:48,938
Steve's making the homeless men
beat each other senseless.
209
00:14:49,026 --> 00:14:52,359
lt's called bum fights.
l'll make a fortune on tickets.
210
00:14:52,445 --> 00:14:56,444
lt's exploitation. You're making money
off their pain and misery.
211
00:14:56,533 --> 00:14:59,949
All right, l'll handle this.
Let me get this straight, son.
212
00:15:00,036 --> 00:15:04,663
You're pitting desperate, downtrodden men
against one another for profit?
213
00:15:04,749 --> 00:15:07,370
- Yes, sir.
- l'm in.
214
00:15:14,510 --> 00:15:16,965
- What the hell is going on here?
- Ask Dad.
215
00:15:17,054 --> 00:15:20,803
He stole my bum fights idea.
He won't even give me a piece of the action.
216
00:15:20,891 --> 00:15:23,560
l want this to be a class act.
l introduce you both.
217
00:15:23,643 --> 00:15:28,057
l throw raw meat on the floor. Whoever
beats the crap out of the other gets to eat.
218
00:15:28,148 --> 00:15:31,980
You were supposed to shut this down.
You're degrading these men.
219
00:15:32,068 --> 00:15:37,489
l'm giving them jobs and self-esteem.
l'm giving them costumes and a back story.
220
00:15:37,574 --> 00:15:41,074
This is the Garbage Collector.
He's got his own catchphrase:
221
00:15:41,161 --> 00:15:44,115
''l'm taking out the trash and sorting it.''
222
00:15:44,206 --> 00:15:50,244
And this guy, he grew up in the bayou, living
with alligators, wrestling with alligators.
223
00:15:50,337 --> 00:15:52,911
l call him the Aviator.
224
00:15:53,007 --> 00:15:57,752
Fight night's already sold out.
l set up a ring, fans can make bets.
225
00:15:57,845 --> 00:15:59,921
l even put out some nice mixed nuts.
226
00:16:00,014 --> 00:16:02,551
No. Those are for people.
227
00:16:02,641 --> 00:16:06,141
l can't believe you muscled out
your own son. You stink, Dad.
228
00:16:06,228 --> 00:16:10,440
What's more important - your hopes
and dreams, or me making more than Mom?
229
00:16:10,524 --> 00:16:14,224
- This is pure exploitation. l'm telling Mom.
- Go ahead.
230
00:16:14,319 --> 00:16:18,567
Your pals will be back on the street,
where nights are cold and fights meatless.
231
00:16:18,657 --> 00:16:21,148
This isn't over.
232
00:16:23,746 --> 00:16:27,958
Yeah. lt's been that kind of week, girlfriend.
But, hey, TGl hump day.
233
00:16:28,042 --> 00:16:32,502
- Roger, who are you talking to?
- Tammy at Mencer Escrow, my phone buddy.
234
00:16:32,588 --> 00:16:35,293
Did you copy those title reports?
235
00:16:35,383 --> 00:16:40,091
Tams, l gotta go. Yeah, the boss
is being a real Catch U Next Tuesday.
236
00:16:40,180 --> 00:16:45,173
Stan the Man is back. Here. Just my little way
of saying you can keep your little job.
237
00:16:45,267 --> 00:16:48,185
- A diamond ring?
- l also got you a mink stole.
238
00:16:48,271 --> 00:16:51,853
My God. But, Stan, can we afford this?
239
00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:54,977
- Well, you can't, but l can.
- But how did you get...
240
00:16:55,069 --> 00:16:58,319
Smile for LeRoy Neiman.
He's painting us right now.
241
00:16:58,405 --> 00:17:01,442
- That's LeRoy Neiman?
- l thought he was black too.
242
00:17:02,535 --> 00:17:05,785
l've got to hand it to you, Dad.
You really pulled it off.
243
00:17:05,872 --> 00:17:08,197
Or did you?
244
00:17:11,169 --> 00:17:16,673
- You unionised the homeless?
- Yup. This is the fighting bums local 302.
245
00:17:16,757 --> 00:17:18,834
Yeah.
246
00:17:19,886 --> 00:17:23,635
- Here are our demands.
- ''Longer red lights at freeway off-ramps,
247
00:17:23,723 --> 00:17:27,673
free doggy daycare, human dignity.''
l can't meet these demands.
248
00:17:27,768 --> 00:17:31,683
Then start refunding money,
cos there won't be any fights tonight.
249
00:17:31,773 --> 00:17:34,607
- No. You can't take my money.
- Don't sweat it.
250
00:17:34,692 --> 00:17:39,484
l found a bum willing to scab. All you
gotta do is dress up like a bum and fight him.
251
00:17:39,572 --> 00:17:45,776
You're a life-saver. All right, where's the bum
stupid enough to step into a ring with me?
252
00:17:46,996 --> 00:17:49,618
- Who the hell is that?
- He doesn't have a name.
253
00:17:49,708 --> 00:17:53,705
- What do you mean?
- He killed his own name.
254
00:17:56,715 --> 00:18:01,840
My God. You couldn't get me the Aviator
or the Tickler or Pillow-Hands McGraw?
255
00:18:01,928 --> 00:18:05,297
No way, not me. l ain't no scab.
256
00:18:06,516 --> 00:18:11,937
Dad, this is suicide. You're a weapons expert.
When did you last fight hand-to-hand?
257
00:18:12,021 --> 00:18:16,979
You never forget how to fight -
it's like beating up a bicycle.
258
00:18:21,740 --> 00:18:24,195
Don't let it eat my heart.
259
00:18:29,998 --> 00:18:32,074
This is a wonderful starter home.
260
00:18:32,167 --> 00:18:36,994
- l've been saving it for a couple just like you.
- Soon we'll be more than a couple.
261
00:18:37,088 --> 00:18:40,173
Congratulations. l just thought you were fat.
262
00:18:40,258 --> 00:18:42,416
We're adopting.
263
00:18:42,510 --> 00:18:46,971
Let me show you the back yard.
lt's the perfect place for a baby to play.
264
00:18:47,057 --> 00:18:49,808
My God.
265
00:18:49,893 --> 00:18:54,638
Stop it. Stan, what are you doing?
Leave my husband alone.
266
00:18:54,731 --> 00:18:57,436
Look. That bum's wife
has to jump in and save him.
267
00:18:57,526 --> 00:19:00,396
What a wuss.
268
00:19:15,794 --> 00:19:18,415
lt's a knockout. My dad wins.
269
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:21,210
l lost a pile of dough
on that one-thumbed psycho.
270
00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:23,672
Me too. Let's exit quickly.
271
00:19:24,428 --> 00:19:28,177
- l did it. l'm Stan the Man.
- Not really.
272
00:19:28,265 --> 00:19:31,800
We paid this guy to take a dive
then bet everything on you.
273
00:19:31,893 --> 00:19:34,100
So this whole thing was a setup?
274
00:19:34,188 --> 00:19:38,137
More of a performance piece.
Hi. Ted Fiedler, method actor.
275
00:19:38,233 --> 00:19:40,641
l'm also a hand model.
276
00:19:40,736 --> 00:19:43,653
No!
277
00:19:43,739 --> 00:19:46,942
- Stan, why did you do this?
- Money.
278
00:19:47,034 --> 00:19:49,703
You make more of it than me.
l'm a failure as a man.
279
00:19:49,787 --> 00:19:54,828
- You dope. Don't you get it? We're a team.
- l know, and you're the owner. l get it.
280
00:19:54,917 --> 00:19:59,579
No, Stan, we're equals.
We share everything, good and bad.
281
00:19:59,672 --> 00:20:02,163
You don't have to feel threatened by my job.
282
00:20:02,257 --> 00:20:07,797
- So, you mean when you succeed, l succeed?
- Exactly.
283
00:20:07,888 --> 00:20:10,759
l was gonna hitch a ride home,
but l bit my thumb off.
284
00:20:10,850 --> 00:20:13,056
- So use your other one.
- Right.
285
00:20:13,144 --> 00:20:15,848
Thanks. Hey, teach a man to fish, huh?
286
00:20:20,693 --> 00:20:22,900
l made you fresh coffee.
287
00:20:22,987 --> 00:20:25,229
Have a good day at work, partner.
288
00:20:26,073 --> 00:20:30,154
lnterest rates went up by 20 points,
sending mortgage rates soaring.
289
00:20:30,244 --> 00:20:33,245
- Smart play locking in on that low fixed rate.
- Thank you.
290
00:20:33,330 --> 00:20:36,083
Finally learning his own self-worth.
291
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:39,037
This hike by federal reserve chairman
Alan Greenspan
292
00:20:39,128 --> 00:20:43,956
has jeopardised the economy and put every
real estate agent in the country out of work.
293
00:20:44,050 --> 00:20:46,125
That's a shame. l'm sorry, hon.
294
00:20:46,218 --> 00:20:49,718
Can l keep this mouse pad?
l'm keeping this mouse pad.
295
00:20:49,806 --> 00:20:54,800
At least l had fun. And you learned there's
no need to be threatened by my success.
296
00:20:54,894 --> 00:20:58,428
Absolutely. Go, Team Smith.
297
00:20:59,607 --> 00:21:02,276
lt's Stan. Release Greenspan's schnauzer.
298
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:05,277
Fanny May.
299
00:21:05,362 --> 00:21:09,111
- That's all for this morning. See you at noon.
- And l'll see you tonight.
300
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,486
- Greg.
- Relax. Everybody knows.
0
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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