1 00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:07,165 Good morning, U.S.A. 2 00:00:07,273 --> 00:00:11,039 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day 3 00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:14,079 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face 4 00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:17,775 And he's shining a salute to the American race 5 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:23,956 Oh, boy, it's swell to say 6 00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:26,685 Good morning, U.S.A. 7 00:00:28,728 --> 00:00:31,891 [Chorus] Good morning, U.S.A. 8 00:00:42,675 --> 00:00:44,575 [Bones Crunching] 9 00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:50,474 [All Screaming] 10 00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:54,041 I just made a killing in the shock market. 11 00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:07,062 Time! Reset the test course. 12 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:09,260 [Bell Rings] 13 00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:12,065 [Chattering] 14 00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:13,901 [Groans] 15 00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:16,567 Deputy Director Bullock, I had no idea you were watching. 16 00:01:16,676 --> 00:01:20,134 Glad I could be so impressive. I'll take my victory muffin now. 17 00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:23,181 Make it... bran. 18 00:01:23,283 --> 00:01:26,343 I'm afraid your usual muffin's been earmarked for someone else. 19 00:01:26,453 --> 00:01:28,648 Hi. Agent Duper. Big fan. 20 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:31,053 Agent Duper not only bested your time... 21 00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:33,523 he did so with a far better catchphrase. 22 00:01:33,626 --> 00:01:35,821 - What? Better than "shock market"? - Duper? 23 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:40,332 [Imitating Desi Arnaz] Lucy, you got some 'sploding to do. 24 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:42,424 - [Grenade Explodes] - [Man Screams] 25 00:01:42,535 --> 00:01:44,662 Oh, we're doing accents now? 26 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:51,232 But at the last minute, God told Abraham not to sacrifice his son. 27 00:01:51,344 --> 00:01:53,938 It was all just a test of his faith. 28 00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:57,539 My uncle's doing 25-to-life for sacrificing his son. 29 00:01:57,650 --> 00:01:59,948 Well, I hope he found God. 30 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:02,283 He sure didn't find him in my cousin's stomach. 31 00:02:04,424 --> 00:02:06,324 - Hayley.! - Mom! 32 00:02:06,426 --> 00:02:10,192 This is my Bible class. Please, dim your headlights. 33 00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:12,196 Bible class, huh? 34 00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:15,199 Hey, tell them the story of how God was denied his fruity cereal. 35 00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,531 No, wait. That was the Trix rabbit. 36 00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:20,071 I get them confused, because they're both fake. 37 00:02:20,173 --> 00:02:23,301 - When did you become so jaded? - She's a harlot! 38 00:02:23,409 --> 00:02:26,378 - They should be stoned! - Way ahead of you, kid. 39 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,542 I'm telling you. That Agent Duper is out for my job. 40 00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:35,246 I always get the muffin. Always! Damn it! 41 00:02:35,355 --> 00:02:37,346 Did you use my "shock market" line? 42 00:02:37,457 --> 00:02:40,017 Yeah, and it died. Thanks a lot, Larry David. 43 00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:42,617 Beep, beep. Done with your foot cream, Stan. 44 00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:44,629 I got most of it back in the tube. 45 00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:47,063 Oh, for crying out loud! Can't you get your own? 46 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,260 Love to, but you won't let me leave the house. 47 00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:51,769 So, unless you're gonna open a Circle K in the dining room... 48 00:02:51,871 --> 00:02:53,930 Iooks like we're ointment buddies. 49 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:58,443 Oh, and F.Y.I., your roll-on really worked wonders on my 'rhoids. 50 00:02:58,545 --> 00:03:02,743 Great. Francine, this Duper situation is out of control. 51 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:06,876 Hey, why don't you invite your boss over for dinner tomorrow night? 52 00:03:06,986 --> 00:03:09,420 You know, for some good, old-fashioned boot licking. 53 00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,956 Dinner, huh? Great idea. 54 00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:15,721 Ah, cheap Chinese toothbrush! They can make a chicken taste like an orange... 55 00:03:15,828 --> 00:03:18,763 but when it comes to oral hygiene, they really phone it in. 56 00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:24,634 [Fanfare] 57 00:03:24,737 --> 00:03:26,637 - You bitch. - Bitch. 58 00:03:26,739 --> 00:03:28,536 - Bitch! - Bitch! 59 00:03:28,641 --> 00:03:32,008 God, they sure knew how to write female characters back then. 60 00:03:32,111 --> 00:03:34,079 Look alive, people! Roger, what the hell? 61 00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:36,444 If my boss sees you, I'm finished. 62 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:39,074 - [Doorbell Rings] - That's him. Up in your attic! Move! 63 00:03:39,185 --> 00:03:42,245 - Ah, now you're doing this? - Yeah, I haven't been feeling so great. 64 00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:44,448 Once it dries, it'll chip right off. 65 00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:46,957 - Go! - Can I just top off my Chardonnay? 66 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,722 - I'll bring it up later. - Something bright and summery on the palate... 67 00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:53,390 but with an explosive finish- All right, I'm going! 68 00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:00,395 Deputy Director Bullock, welcome, welcome! 69 00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:03,805 We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening? 70 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:06,504 Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah. 71 00:04:06,613 --> 00:04:10,572 She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists. 72 00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:13,277 Hey, do I smell meat loaf? 73 00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:15,320 Hayley, why don't you say grace? 74 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:17,321 - I'll pass. - Come on. 75 00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:20,551 You pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh, God! Oh, God!" 76 00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:22,560 Yes, yes, she's very devout. 77 00:04:22,662 --> 00:04:25,426 Anyway, what are these photos doing laminated in our place mats? 78 00:04:25,531 --> 00:04:27,431 Is this Agent Duper? 79 00:04:27,533 --> 00:04:30,991 Yes, and he's eating a falafel, recreationally. 80 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,004 - [Coughs] Terrorist. - Smith! 81 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:37,566 It appears you've gone to great lengths to discredit a fellow agent. 82 00:04:37,677 --> 00:04:40,043 I like your style. 83 00:04:40,146 --> 00:04:42,046 - [Women On TV, Slapping] - Slut! 84 00:04:42,148 --> 00:04:44,048 - Slut! - Slut! 85 00:04:44,150 --> 00:04:46,050 - Slut! - Slut! 86 00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:50,384 - God, who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay? - [Continues] 87 00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:53,015 Um, uh- 88 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,031 Idaho! 89 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,998 - That's all 50. - Idaho. 90 00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:05,400 - Well done, Smith! - [Gasps] 91 00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:09,532 Pardon me. I think I hear my wife's pie burning. 92 00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,906 That's my boss out there! Have you lost your mind? 93 00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:14,741 - No, but I lost my buzz, thanks to you. - [Bullock] Smith? 94 00:05:14,847 --> 00:05:17,077 - Into the bathroom! - [Yelling] 95 00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:20,812 Smith, this might be the Chardonnay talking... 96 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:25,687 but I think this bathroom is the perfect place to discuss your promotion. 97 00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:28,488 - Into the tub! - Without my flip-flops? 98 00:05:28,594 --> 00:05:31,461 - Ah, no! Good God, control yourself! - [Yelling] 99 00:05:31,564 --> 00:05:33,930 Stop it.! Oh, in my eye.! 100 00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,228 Smith, are you under attack in there? 101 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,429 - No, everything's fine. - Stand back! 102 00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:41,564 [Grunts] Good God, Smith! 103 00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:44,404 What the- Oh! [Groaning] 104 00:05:49,115 --> 00:05:53,575 Thanks a lot, Roger. How do you expect me to compete with Duper after what my boss saw in there? 105 00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:55,586 It's not my fault I don't feel well. 106 00:05:55,688 --> 00:05:57,918 It's always something with you. You've been nothing but a burden. 107 00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,958 - [Gasps] - Stan, please! 108 00:06:00,059 --> 00:06:02,892 Yeah, Dad. Don't stress him out. It messes with his stomachs. 109 00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:04,895 No! No! It's about time he heard it! 110 00:06:04,997 --> 00:06:06,897 We're the ones risking our necks here. 111 00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:10,059 Do you know what would happen to us if the government found out we were hiding an alien? 112 00:06:10,169 --> 00:06:12,569 Oh, but he doesn't care. No, he just lays around the house... 113 00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:15,038 inhaling groceries and pumping out pudding. 114 00:06:15,141 --> 00:06:16,768 Shut up, Stan! Just shut up! 115 00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:20,141 Our lives would be a hell of a lot easier if you were just gone! 116 00:06:20,246 --> 00:06:22,714 Oh, yeah? Well, l-l-l-l- 117 00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:27,548 [Gasping, Wheezing] 118 00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:30,486 Roger, are you okay? 119 00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:33,115 Oh, bravo, bravo. Quite a performance. 120 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,285 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ethan Hawke. 121 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,727 - He doesn't look right, Dad. - Up and at 'em, Ethan. 122 00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:40,492 Time to make another awful Richard Linklater movie. 123 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,568 Just ignore him. He's being a drama queen. 124 00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:44,898 - All right, everyone up to bed. - It's 7:45. 125 00:06:45,004 --> 00:06:46,904 We're going to bed! 126 00:06:47,006 --> 00:06:50,339 Uh, "Good night, Klaus?" Geez! 127 00:06:53,646 --> 00:06:56,877 Huh. What commitment! Wakey, wakey, Mr. Hawke. 128 00:06:56,983 --> 00:06:59,178 Gattaca II finally got its financing. 129 00:06:59,285 --> 00:07:01,480 - Dad, I think he's dead. - [Gasps] 130 00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:05,079 Well, then I guess he wouldn't mind if I poke him in the eye with a fork. 131 00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:08,355 - [All Screaming] - Yeah, he's dead. 132 00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:10,361 I can't believe he's gone. 133 00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:13,626 He's up in heaven now, bumming smokes offJesus. 134 00:07:13,733 --> 00:07:17,430 - Poor Roger. - We should have a really nice memorial service. 135 00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:20,335 Out of the question! No, I'll have to dispose of the body... 136 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,340 so the government can never trace it back to us. 137 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,672 Well, at least do it in a way that honors his memory... 138 00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:26,677 and all that he meant to us. 139 00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:29,179 Darling, it's me. 140 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:33,742 A double cheeseburger, small fries and a Mr. Pibb. 141 00:07:33,853 --> 00:07:35,616 Not the largest. The one right under that. 142 00:07:35,721 --> 00:07:37,951 [Man On Speaker] That would be the medium. 143 00:07:38,057 --> 00:07:40,582 [Tires Screeching] 144 00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:47,588 Can I get some ketchup? Oh, no, it's already in there. 145 00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:49,998 I see it. I see it. 146 00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:57,875 [Screams] 147 00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:00,207 Oh, that sounded kind of effeminate. 148 00:08:01,747 --> 00:08:03,271 Holy crap! 149 00:08:03,382 --> 00:08:06,283 Can't a guy fall into a stress-induced hibernation cycle... 150 00:08:06,385 --> 00:08:08,285 without being chucked in the trash? 151 00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:11,413 - Okay, calm down. Calm down. Nothing to be scared of. - [Bird Tweets] 152 00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:13,492 [Screams] 153 00:08:13,593 --> 00:08:16,118 Ahh, get it off me! 154 00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:18,993 Wait a minute. I can use this to get home... 155 00:08:19,098 --> 00:08:21,623 - disguised as a lady. - [Glass Clinking] 156 00:08:21,734 --> 00:08:24,999 A lady who keeps medical waste in her pockets. 157 00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:29,507 You call me, Dad? 158 00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:32,203 Son, I know you're having trouble dealing with Roger's death... 159 00:08:32,311 --> 00:08:34,871 so I thought it might cheer you up to help me burn... 160 00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:37,279 every shred of evidence that he ever existed. 161 00:08:37,383 --> 00:08:39,783 What? Why can't we just hide that stuff? 162 00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:42,787 It's too risky. No one can ever know Roger was here. 163 00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:44,686 Don't you have any feelings? 164 00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:48,123 Son, feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries. 165 00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:51,355 You're a monster! I have no father! 166 00:08:53,599 --> 00:08:55,931 I'm not a monster. 167 00:09:00,139 --> 00:09:02,539 So if I cash out my pension right now... 168 00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:04,576 how much will I get? 169 00:09:04,677 --> 00:09:08,204 Oh, damn it! That's a very steep penalty. 170 00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:12,580 So, basically, you're telling me I'm stuck here for two more years. 171 00:09:12,685 --> 00:09:14,915 Yeah, thanks for nothing, Marty. 172 00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:18,149 So-So what is it now? Your mother died or something? 173 00:09:18,257 --> 00:09:21,226 No, it was a very dear, dear- 174 00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:24,728 He was like a pet. You'll have to forgive her. She's very upset. 175 00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:27,390 Could you say a prayer for him on Sunday? 176 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,333 You know, so maybe he'll hear it in heaven. 177 00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:34,065 For a pet? You're serious? 178 00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:37,609 Look, according to the church, there are no pets in heaven. 179 00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:42,613 Eligible for heaven: You got your men, women, children and apes who use sign language. 180 00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:45,343 Not going to heaven: You got your pets, your dinosaurs... 181 00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:47,851 your smart types and self-aware robots. 182 00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:50,616 You ever seen Blade Runner? 183 00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:54,784 No, of course you haven't. All righty. Can I validate your parking? 184 00:09:54,894 --> 00:09:56,953 Wait a minute. Roger was good. 185 00:09:57,063 --> 00:09:59,930 What kind of god wouldn't allow him into heaven? 186 00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:02,432 This kind. 187 00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:04,469 That's your idea of God? 188 00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:06,697 [Chuckles] Hey, kick your ass. 189 00:10:06,806 --> 00:10:10,606 - [Sobbing] - Whatever. 190 00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:12,371 How do I get home? 191 00:10:12,478 --> 00:10:16,107 Where the hell is a trail of Reese's Pieces when you need one? 192 00:10:16,215 --> 00:10:18,809 - Hey, where you goin'? - [Screams] I'm not an alien. 193 00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:21,250 Back on the bus, Mrs. Nesbaum. 194 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:24,118 [Roger] Huh? 195 00:10:24,223 --> 00:10:26,555 Look, there's been a mistake. I need to get home. 196 00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:29,651 The home? No, we're goin' to D.C. To see the sights. 197 00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:32,959 Haven't seen you around the pill line. The name's Gertie. 198 00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:38,326 Now don't you fret about that. Happens to me all the time. 199 00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:42,265 What do you know? It's happenin' right now. 200 00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:47,907 Morning, Jackson. Wanna help me analyze some Al-Qaeda chatter? 201 00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:50,608 Actually, Stan, they put Agent Duper on chatter. 202 00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,775 They bumped you down to Al-Qaeda banter. 203 00:10:52,885 --> 00:10:57,049 [Man On Tape] So I'm trying those whitening strips, but they're not working. 204 00:10:57,156 --> 00:10:59,124 [Man #2] Are you wearing them every day? 205 00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:01,921 - Well, every other day. - Well, duh. That's why they're not working. 206 00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:04,588 [Steve's Voice] Don't you have any feelings? 207 00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:07,996 You're a monster.! I have no father.! 208 00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:10,000 [Groans] 209 00:11:11,704 --> 00:11:13,831 What seems to be the problem? 210 00:11:13,939 --> 00:11:15,964 Well, I got in an argument with our dog. 211 00:11:16,075 --> 00:11:18,703 He expelled a large amount of xenoplasm, and then he died. 212 00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:21,109 Am I a monster for not feeling anything? 213 00:11:21,213 --> 00:11:24,148 Well, that depends, Stan. How close were you to this dog? 214 00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:26,241 Well, we do go back a ways. 215 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:29,082 - [Alarm Sounding] - [Man On P.A.] The alien has escaped to Level. 216 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,782 - Repeat: Level 4.! - [Electronic Humming] 217 00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:36,187 I'll check this lab where the theremin music is coming from. 218 00:11:36,295 --> 00:11:40,698 Don't hurt me. I know it sounds cliché, but I mean you no harm. 219 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,634 You're the alien? Well, they said you'd be bigger and with claws. 220 00:11:44,737 --> 00:11:47,262 Oh, I've got claws. Look how fat you are. 221 00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:48,840 See? Kitty can scratch. 222 00:11:48,941 --> 00:11:51,034 [Man] It's in the lab.! Let's dust it.! 223 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:56,206 Let's go, space chimp! 224 00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:09,890 [Groaning] 225 00:12:09,995 --> 00:12:13,453 You saved my life. How can I ever repay you? 226 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,591 You got TiVo? 227 00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:18,693 Stan? Thought I lost you there. 228 00:12:18,804 --> 00:12:23,241 Now look, this is a safe place. How do you feel? 229 00:12:23,342 --> 00:12:26,436 Oh, I guess I feel kind of... sad? 230 00:12:26,545 --> 00:12:30,606 - And do you know why? - Because I... miss him? 231 00:12:30,716 --> 00:12:35,085 No. Because you're a lady! 232 00:12:35,187 --> 00:12:38,281 - [Laughing] - "Oh, yeah. I'm sensitive." 233 00:12:38,390 --> 00:12:41,416 - I am not a lady! - Wait, Stan. You forgot your purse. 234 00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:43,757 Oh, I swear I'd lose my own head if l- 235 00:12:43,863 --> 00:12:46,024 Hey, I don't have a purse! 236 00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:52,527 Heaven, pearly gates, angels- it's all a lie. 237 00:12:52,638 --> 00:12:55,266 When your parents die, they'll be in a hole in the ground... 238 00:12:55,374 --> 00:12:58,901 worms slowly chewing through their foul, putrid organs. 239 00:12:59,011 --> 00:13:00,911 Uh, don't worry, kids. God is real... 240 00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:03,447 Jesus loves you, et cetera, et cetera. 241 00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:05,449 Mom, what are you doing? 242 00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:09,487 Well, I just can't believe in a god that wouldn't let Roger into heaven. 243 00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:12,421 Hey, Hayley, since Dad's a heartless bastard and all... 244 00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:14,550 I'm auditioning new father figures. 245 00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:17,561 Now should I go with outwardly affectionate Tom Hanks... 246 00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:20,188 or consistently underrated Jeff Bridges? 247 00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:23,359 Why are you worried about Dad? It's Mom that we've lost! 248 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:25,562 Steve, mein Kinderstrudel... 249 00:13:25,671 --> 00:13:29,607 there's an emotionally available father figure floating in front of you. 250 00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:32,973 - Really? You'd be my dad? - It would be mein honor. 251 00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:35,569 Now, here's your allowance. Five bubbles. 252 00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:38,149 Ach, what the hell. Six bubbles. 253 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,150 Don't tell your mother. 254 00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,746 Wow. The Oval Office. 255 00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:48,486 Just think of the history that's been made behind that desk. 256 00:13:48,594 --> 00:13:51,085 Not to mention under it. [Laughing] 257 00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:55,600 - Here, have yourself a nip. - Wow! Getting hammered in the Oval Office. 258 00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:59,603 Hey, look! I'm Kitty Dukakis in an alternate timeline. 259 00:13:59,705 --> 00:14:03,197 People, this footage was captured at 1400 hours today... 260 00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:05,004 by a White House security camera. 261 00:14:05,110 --> 00:14:08,102 Sorry I'm late. I was getting a piping hot cup of coffee. 262 00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:11,615 It's far too hot to drink, but luckily my leathery man mouth can take it. 263 00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:14,481 Sit down, Smith. Our analysts have confirmed this creature... 264 00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:19,991 is none other than the alien that escaped from Area 51 four years ago. 265 00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:23,186 - My eyes! - He's alive! 266 00:14:23,295 --> 00:14:26,321 Naturally, recapturing this fugitive is our top priority. 267 00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:28,832 Then we can track down the bastards... 268 00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:31,835 that have been harboring it and punish them brutally! 269 00:14:31,937 --> 00:14:35,737 - [Man Screams] - I mean really brutally. 270 00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:38,969 Weird stuff. Butt stuff. 271 00:14:39,078 --> 00:14:43,014 - [Man Screams] - Somebody take Smith's coffee. 272 00:14:43,115 --> 00:14:45,413 [Horn Honking] 273 00:14:45,517 --> 00:14:49,214 - [Cell Phone: Patriotic] - Smith. Talk. 274 00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:52,620 Stan, you lantern-jawed Sasquatch! 275 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,489 You throw any of your kids in the garbage today? 276 00:14:55,594 --> 00:14:57,653 Roger, I've been looking for you. Where are you? 277 00:14:57,763 --> 00:15:00,197 Oh, I'm getting by just fine on my own. 278 00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:02,130 And I got- I got something to say- 279 00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:05,294 - Call him a carpetbagger! - You're a carpetbagger, Stan! 280 00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:07,395 You know that? What's that? 281 00:15:07,506 --> 00:15:09,872 Look, I'm sure you're mad I chucked you in the trash... 282 00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:12,375 but I've thought about it, and I'm willing to forgive me. 283 00:15:12,478 --> 00:15:14,878 But the important thing is the C.I.A. Is looking for you. 284 00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:18,882 Oh, yeah? Bring 'em on! I got some stories to tell them about who's been hiding me. 285 00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:22,545 Hope you and your family like prison, because that's where you'll be rotting. 286 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:24,555 In prison! That's who! 287 00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:27,626 Hey, I'm not screwing around here. My butt is literally on the line. 288 00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:31,787 Well, that must be one massive line, because your butt is huge! 289 00:15:31,897 --> 00:15:34,923 - [Laughs] - [Line Disconnects] 290 00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:40,233 So, old buddy, to protect our family, we must kill a friend. 291 00:15:40,339 --> 00:15:44,173 Don't worry. It's not you. I could never be mad at you. 292 00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:47,871 Huh? Coochie-coochie. Ha, ha! Made you laugh! 293 00:15:49,481 --> 00:15:51,847 Gun, we've got to track down and kill Roger... 294 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,181 before the C.I.A. Finds him. 295 00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:57,312 [Sniffing] Oh, gun! Crack a window! 296 00:15:57,423 --> 00:16:00,085 Boy, I really got up in Stan's grille, huh? 297 00:16:00,192 --> 00:16:03,958 He was all, "Come back!" And I was all, "Fat-ass carpetbagger!" 298 00:16:04,063 --> 00:16:05,997 - [Laughing] - He had it comin'! 299 00:16:06,098 --> 00:16:08,862 That family don't give a Dixie toot about you. 300 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,959 From now on, we're a family. 301 00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:14,062 We are, aren't we? Oh, my God! 302 00:16:16,608 --> 00:16:19,236 A Dynasty exhibit. They must've gotten my letters. 303 00:16:19,345 --> 00:16:21,540 Can we go? Can we go? Can we go? Can we? 304 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,980 Sounds glorious. Let's get movin', sis. 305 00:16:25,084 --> 00:16:27,518 Oh, almost forgot. [Hawking] 306 00:16:27,619 --> 00:16:32,522 That's for freein' the slaves, you Negro-lovin' Yankee devil! 307 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,454 And suddenly things turned ugly. 308 00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,497 Roger? [Whistles] 309 00:16:39,598 --> 00:16:42,192 Here, boy! Damn it. Where could he be? 310 00:16:42,301 --> 00:16:44,201 This ain't your corner, bitch! 311 00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:47,033 Well, I guess my G.P.S. Is out of whack, slut! 312 00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:48,834 - Bitch! - Slut! 313 00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:50,169 - Bitch! - Slut! 314 00:16:50,275 --> 00:16:52,334 This reminds me of something. 315 00:16:52,444 --> 00:16:55,277 [Gasps] Dynasty.! 316 00:16:55,381 --> 00:16:58,509 C.I.A. To the Smithsonian! Drive! 317 00:16:58,617 --> 00:17:01,518 Wait. This is my car. Even better! 318 00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:04,885 Now, Son, here's a fun activity my father taught me. 319 00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:07,185 But I feel weird washing Mom's underwear. 320 00:17:07,292 --> 00:17:10,989 Nonsense! We're bonding. Now bury me in an avalanche of panties. 321 00:17:11,096 --> 00:17:14,395 Ja. Ja. Her sweaty, sweaty sports bra! 322 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,900 [Cackling] 323 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,130 Mom, you're reading the Bible again! 324 00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:23,003 Oh, no. There's an oil spill in the garage. 325 00:17:23,108 --> 00:17:25,804 I'm just gonna mop it up with Exodus. 326 00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:27,310 - [Phone Rings] - Hello? 327 00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:29,313 Hayley? Roger. Got a sec? 328 00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:32,816 Roger? Whoa! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones... 329 00:17:32,918 --> 00:17:37,048 where I can talk to the dead but only with horrible, ironic consequences? 330 00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:39,249 Oh, right. It's past noon. You're already high. 331 00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:41,258 Let me talk to the fish. 332 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,328 Oh, my God! You're really alive? 333 00:17:43,429 --> 00:17:46,830 Yes, and I've somehow acquired a nasty, old, racist sidekick. 334 00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:49,264 I'm at the Smithsonian. You gotta come get me. 335 00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:52,929 There you are. You send me to get you a churro, and then you disappear. 336 00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:56,906 - Anyway, here's your filthy wetback doughnut. - Hurry. 337 00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:00,110 [Gasps] 338 00:18:00,212 --> 00:18:03,010 We've tracked the alien here. We need to take it alive... 339 00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:05,845 so we can punish those who've been hiding it. 340 00:18:07,052 --> 00:18:09,350 Not if I get to him first. 341 00:18:09,455 --> 00:18:12,652 Oh, my God! Joan Collins's ball gown! 342 00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:16,785 Linda Evans's tennis outfit! Wow! John Forsythe's girdle! 343 00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:19,329 Oh, the stories it could tell. 344 00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:21,365 - [Steve] Roger? - Steve! Hayley! 345 00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:23,367 Oh, thank God you came. 346 00:18:23,469 --> 00:18:26,199 Roger's alive? It's a miracle! 347 00:18:26,305 --> 00:18:29,604 I knew you couldn't resist a federally funded Dynasty exhibit. 348 00:18:29,708 --> 00:18:32,006 Stan! Look, about that phone call- 349 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,102 - [Gunshot] - [Screams] What are you doing? 350 00:18:34,213 --> 00:18:37,478 - Say your prayers, space chimp. - Stan, no! 351 00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:39,483 Leave her alone, whitey! 352 00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:45,656 - [Gunshots Continue] - [Both Gasping] 353 00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:56,667 [Bullock] Damn it! He's getting away! 354 00:18:56,768 --> 00:18:58,895 [Duper] Look, we're parachute ghosts! 355 00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:01,802 [Making Ghostly Sounds] 356 00:19:05,777 --> 00:19:08,712 All this for a "fat-ass" comment? 357 00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:10,714 No, former Dad! 358 00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:14,308 Nobody threatens my family. Now get out of the way, or I'll shoot you all. 359 00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:16,910 Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again. 360 00:19:17,022 --> 00:19:21,118 Leave her alone, you two-dollar, pai-gow whore! 361 00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:23,126 [Gertie Screaming] 362 00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:26,755 We know you're in there, alien.! Come out with your tentacles up.! 363 00:19:26,865 --> 00:19:29,732 - Dad, you can't just give him up! - That's the C.I.A. Out there. 364 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:33,032 They won't stop until they have Roger in custody. 365 00:19:33,138 --> 00:19:35,698 - Just make it quick. - No, Roger! 366 00:19:35,807 --> 00:19:38,503 - Use my children as a shield! - [Both Gasping] 367 00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:41,670 It's no use. They've got me. If they torture me, I'll crack. 368 00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:45,807 I mean, I can't even make it through the afternoon without a freakin' mojito. 369 00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:48,478 I'd never want to put my family's safety at risk. 370 00:19:48,587 --> 00:19:51,784 - Your family? - Of course. Now how are we gonna do this? 371 00:19:51,890 --> 00:19:54,552 I think right here would be most dramatic. 372 00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:56,890 Okay. Huh? 373 00:19:56,995 --> 00:20:00,897 What's this? Some kind of tear-like substance coming from my eyes. 374 00:20:00,999 --> 00:20:02,899 - He's crying. - I'm not a lady! 375 00:20:03,001 --> 00:20:06,402 Stan, having feelings doesn't make you a lady. 376 00:20:06,505 --> 00:20:08,735 It makes you human. 377 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:13,174 [Bullock] We've got to blow this door.! Prepare the door blower.! 378 00:20:13,278 --> 00:20:15,178 We really should find a better name for that. 379 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:20,343 [Sighs] Well, it's clear what I have to do. 380 00:20:20,452 --> 00:20:23,046 - Smith! - I've got the alien, sir. 381 00:20:24,456 --> 00:20:27,653 Give me back my wig, you scalp-happy red man! 382 00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:30,091 Look how it mimics our language. 383 00:20:30,195 --> 00:20:32,095 [Gertie Muttering] 384 00:20:32,197 --> 00:20:35,564 Well done, Agent Smith. I'm going back to the office... 385 00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:39,728 and striking the words "tool" and "incompetent" from your personal record. 386 00:20:39,838 --> 00:20:44,172 Thanks. Perhaps you could insert the words "lady" and "not a." 387 00:20:44,276 --> 00:20:47,177 You know, I think we can. 388 00:20:50,282 --> 00:20:52,079 It's good to have you back, buddy. 389 00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:54,084 So, Roger, what was heaven like? 390 00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:56,882 - Heaven? Wh-What the hell are you- - [Kicking] 391 00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:59,355 Oh, yeah, heaven. Oh, oh, it was great. 392 00:20:59,458 --> 00:21:03,189 Fluffy clouds, unicorns, bubble-gum waterfalls, all that crap. 393 00:21:03,295 --> 00:21:06,059 Roger's our little miracle. Isn't he, Mom? 394 00:21:06,164 --> 00:21:10,430 He sure is. God certainly works in mysterious ways. 395 00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:13,129 Oh, wait. This is last month. 396 00:21:46,672 --> 00:21:48,572 Bye. Have a great time! 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net