Good morning, U.S.A.
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face
And he's shining a salute to the American race
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
Good morning, U.S.A.
[Chorus] Good morning, U.S.A.
[Bones Crunching]
[All Screaming]
I just made a killing in the shock market.
Time! Reset the test course.
[Bell Rings]
[Chattering]
[Groans]
Deputy Director Bullock, I had no idea you were watching.
Glad I could be so impressive. I'll take my victory muffin now.
Make it... bran.
I'm afraid your usual muffin's been earmarked for someone else.
Hi. Agent Duper. Big fan.
Agent Duper not only bested your time...
he did so with a far better catchphrase.
- What? Better than "shock market"? - Duper?
[Imitating Desi Arnaz] Lucy, you got some 'sploding to do.
- [Grenade Explodes] - [Man Screams]
Oh, we're doing accents now?
But at the last minute, God told Abraham not to sacrifice his son.
It was all just a test of his faith.
My uncle's doing 25-to-life for sacrificing his son.
Well, I hope he found God.
He sure didn't find him in my cousin's stomach.
- Hayley.! - Mom!
This is my Bible class. Please, dim your headlights.
Bible class, huh?
Hey, tell them the story of how God was denied his fruity cereal.
No, wait. That was the Trix rabbit.
I get them confused, because they're both fake.
- When did you become so jaded? - She's a harlot!
- They should be stoned! - Way ahead of you, kid.
I'm telling you. That Agent Duper is out for my job.
I always get the muffin. Always! Damn it!
Did you use my "shock market" line?
Yeah, and it died. Thanks a lot, Larry David.
Beep, beep. Done with your foot cream, Stan.
I got most of it back in the tube.
Oh, for crying out loud! Can't you get your own?
Love to, but you won't let me leave the house.
So, unless you're gonna open a Circle K in the dining room...
Iooks like we're ointment buddies.
Oh, and F.Y.I., your roll-on really worked wonders on my 'rhoids.
Great. Francine, this Duper situation is out of control.
Hey, why don't you invite your boss over for dinner tomorrow night?
You know, for some good, old-fashioned boot licking.
Dinner, huh? Great idea.
Ah, cheap Chinese toothbrush! They can make a chicken taste like an orange...
but when it comes to oral hygiene, they really phone it in.
[Fanfare]
- You bitch. - Bitch.
- Bitch! - Bitch!
God, they sure knew how to write female characters back then.
Look alive, people! Roger, what the hell?
If my boss sees you, I'm finished.
- [Doorbell Rings] - That's him. Up in your attic! Move!
- Ah, now you're doing this? - Yeah, I haven't been feeling so great.
Once it dries, it'll chip right off.
- Go! - Can I just top off my Chardonnay?
- I'll bring it up later. - Something bright and summery on the palate...
but with an explosive finish- All right, I'm going!
Deputy Director Bullock, welcome, welcome!
We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening?
Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah.
She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists.
Hey, do I smell meat loaf?
Hayley, why don't you say grace?
- I'll pass. - Come on.
You pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh, God! Oh, God!"
Yes, yes, she's very devout.
Anyway, what are these photos doing laminated in our place mats?
Is this Agent Duper?
Yes, and he's eating a falafel, recreationally.
- [Coughs] Terrorist. - Smith!
It appears you've gone to great lengths to discredit a fellow agent.
I like your style.
- [Women On TV, Slapping] - Slut!
- Slut!
- God, who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay? - [Continues]
Um, uh-
Idaho!
- That's all 50. - Idaho.
- Well done, Smith! - [Gasps]
Pardon me. I think I hear my wife's pie burning.
That's my boss out there! Have you lost your mind?
- No, but I lost my buzz, thanks to you. - [Bullock] Smith?
- Into the bathroom! - [Yelling]
Smith, this might be the Chardonnay talking...
but I think this bathroom is the perfect place to discuss your promotion.
- Into the tub! - Without my flip-flops?
- Ah, no! Good God, control yourself! - [Yelling]
Stop it.! Oh, in my eye.!
Smith, are you under attack in there?
- No, everything's fine. - Stand back!
[Grunts] Good God, Smith!
What the- Oh! [Groaning]
Thanks a lot, Roger. How do you expect me to compete with Duper after what my boss saw in there?
It's not my fault I don't feel well.
It's always something with you. You've been nothing but a burden.
- [Gasps] - Stan, please!
Yeah, Dad. Don't stress him out. It messes with his stomachs.
No! No! It's about time he heard it!
We're the ones risking our necks here.
Do you know what would happen to us if the government found out we were hiding an alien?
Oh, but he doesn't care. No, he just lays around the house...
inhaling groceries and pumping out pudding.
Shut up, Stan! Just shut up!
Our lives would be a hell of a lot easier if you were just gone!
Oh, yeah? Well, l-l-l-l-
[Gasping, Wheezing]
Roger, are you okay?
Oh, bravo, bravo. Quite a performance.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ethan Hawke.
- He doesn't look right, Dad. - Up and at 'em, Ethan.
Time to make another awful Richard Linklater movie.
Just ignore him. He's being a drama queen.
- All right, everyone up to bed. - It's 7:45.
We're going to bed!
Uh, "Good night, Klaus?" Geez!
Huh. What commitment! Wakey, wakey, Mr. Hawke.
Gattaca II finally got its financing.
- Dad, I think he's dead. - [Gasps]
Well, then I guess he wouldn't mind if I poke him in the eye with a fork.
- [All Screaming] - Yeah, he's dead.
I can't believe he's gone.
He's up in heaven now, bumming smokes offJesus.
- Poor Roger. - We should have a really nice memorial service.
Out of the question! No, I'll have to dispose of the body...
so the government can never trace it back to us.
Well, at least do it in a way that honors his memory...
and all that he meant to us.
Darling, it's me.
A double cheeseburger, small fries and a Mr. Pibb.
Not the largest. The one right under that.
[Man On Speaker] That would be the medium.
[Tires Screeching]
Can I get some ketchup? Oh, no, it's already in there.
I see it. I see it.
[Screams]
Oh, that sounded kind of effeminate.
Holy crap!
Can't a guy fall into a stress-induced hibernation cycle...
without being chucked in the trash?
- Okay, calm down. Calm down. Nothing to be scared of. - [Bird Tweets]
[Screams]
Ahh, get it off me!
Wait a minute. I can use this to get home...
- disguised as a lady. - [Glass Clinking]
A lady who keeps medical waste in her pockets.
You call me, Dad?
Son, I know you're having trouble dealing with Roger's death...
so I thought it might cheer you up to help me burn...
every shred of evidence that he ever existed.
What? Why can't we just hide that stuff?
It's too risky. No one can ever know Roger was here.
Don't you have any feelings?
Son, feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.
You're a monster! I have no father!
I'm not a monster.
So if I cash out my pension right now...
how much will I get?
Oh, damn it! That's a very steep penalty.
So, basically, you're telling me I'm stuck here for two more years.
Yeah, thanks for nothing, Marty.
So-So what is it now? Your mother died or something?
No, it was a very dear, dear-
He was like a pet. You'll have to forgive her. She's very upset.
Could you say a prayer for him on Sunday?
You know, so maybe he'll hear it in heaven.
For a pet? You're serious?
Look, according to the church, there are no pets in heaven.
Eligible for heaven: You got your men, women, children and apes who use sign language.
Not going to heaven: You got your pets, your dinosaurs...
your smart types and self-aware robots.
You ever seen Blade Runner?
No, of course you haven't. All righty. Can I validate your parking?
Wait a minute. Roger was good.
What kind of god wouldn't allow him into heaven?
This kind.
That's your idea of God?
[Chuckles] Hey, kick your ass.
- [Sobbing] - Whatever.
How do I get home?
Where the hell is a trail of Reese's Pieces when you need one?
- Hey, where you goin'? - [Screams] I'm not an alien.
Back on the bus, Mrs. Nesbaum.
[Roger] Huh?
Look, there's been a mistake. I need to get home.
The home? No, we're goin' to D.C. To see the sights.
Haven't seen you around the pill line. The name's Gertie.
Now don't you fret about that. Happens to me all the time.
What do you know? It's happenin' right now.
Morning, Jackson. Wanna help me analyze some Al-Qaeda chatter?
Actually, Stan, they put Agent Duper on chatter.
They bumped you down to Al-Qaeda banter.
[Man On Tape] So I'm trying those whitening strips, but they're not working.
[Man #2] Are you wearing them every day?
- Well, every other day. - Well, duh. That's why they're not working.
[Steve's Voice] Don't you have any feelings?
You're a monster.! I have no father.!
[Groans]
What seems to be the problem?
Well, I got in an argument with our dog.
He expelled a large amount of xenoplasm, and then he died.
Am I a monster for not feeling anything?
Well, that depends, Stan. How close were you to this dog?
Well, we do go back a ways.
- [Alarm Sounding] - [Man On P.A.] The alien has escaped to Level.
- Repeat: Level 4.! - [Electronic Humming]
I'll check this lab where the theremin music is coming from.
Don't hurt me. I know it sounds cliché, but I mean you no harm.
You're the alien? Well, they said you'd be bigger and with claws.
Oh, I've got claws. Look how fat you are.
See? Kitty can scratch.
[Man] It's in the lab.! Let's dust it.!
Let's go, space chimp!
[Groaning]
You saved my life. How can I ever repay you?
You got TiVo?
Stan? Thought I lost you there.
Now look, this is a safe place. How do you feel?
Oh, I guess I feel kind of... sad?
- And do you know why? - Because I... miss him?
No. Because you're a lady!
- [Laughing] - "Oh, yeah. I'm sensitive."
- I am not a lady! - Wait, Stan. You forgot your purse.
Oh, I swear I'd lose my own head if l-
Hey, I don't have a purse!
Heaven, pearly gates, angels- it's all a lie.
When your parents die, they'll be in a hole in the ground...
worms slowly chewing through their foul, putrid organs.
Uh, don't worry, kids. God is real...
Jesus loves you, et cetera, et cetera.
Mom, what are you doing?
Well, I just can't believe in a god that wouldn't let Roger into heaven.
Hey, Hayley, since Dad's a heartless bastard and all...
I'm auditioning new father figures.
Now should I go with outwardly affectionate Tom Hanks...
or consistently underrated Jeff Bridges?
Why are you worried about Dad? It's Mom that we've lost!
Steve, mein Kinderstrudel...
there's an emotionally available father figure floating in front of you.
- Really? You'd be my dad? - It would be mein honor.
Now, here's your allowance. Five bubbles.
Ach, what the hell. Six bubbles.
Don't tell your mother.
Wow. The Oval Office.
Just think of the history that's been made behind that desk.
Not to mention under it. [Laughing]
- Here, have yourself a nip. - Wow! Getting hammered in the Oval Office.
Hey, look! I'm Kitty Dukakis in an alternate timeline.
People, this footage was captured at 1400 hours today...
by a White House security camera.
Sorry I'm late. I was getting a piping hot cup of coffee.
It's far too hot to drink, but luckily my leathery man mouth can take it.
Sit down, Smith. Our analysts have confirmed this creature...
is none other than the alien that escaped from Area 51 four years ago.
- My eyes! - He's alive!
Naturally, recapturing this fugitive is our top priority.
Then we can track down the bastards...
that have been harboring it and punish them brutally!
- [Man Screams] - I mean really brutally.
Weird stuff. Butt stuff.
- [Man Screams] - Somebody take Smith's coffee.
[Horn Honking]
- [Cell Phone: Patriotic] - Smith. Talk.
Stan, you lantern-jawed Sasquatch!
You throw any of your kids in the garbage today?
Roger, I've been looking for you. Where are you?
Oh, I'm getting by just fine on my own.
And I got- I got something to say-
- Call him a carpetbagger! - You're a carpetbagger, Stan!
You know that? What's that?
Look, I'm sure you're mad I chucked you in the trash...
but I've thought about it, and I'm willing to forgive me.
But the important thing is the C.I.A. Is looking for you.
Oh, yeah? Bring 'em on! I got some stories to tell them about who's been hiding me.
Hope you and your family like prison, because that's where you'll be rotting.
In prison! That's who!
Hey, I'm not screwing around here. My butt is literally on the line.
Well, that must be one massive line, because your butt is huge!
- [Laughs] - [Line Disconnects]
So, old buddy, to protect our family, we must kill a friend.
Don't worry. It's not you. I could never be mad at you.
Huh? Coochie-coochie. Ha, ha! Made you laugh!
Gun, we've got to track down and kill Roger...
before the C.I.A. Finds him.
[Sniffing] Oh, gun! Crack a window!
Boy, I really got up in Stan's grille, huh?
He was all, "Come back!" And I was all, "Fat-ass carpetbagger!"
- [Laughing] - He had it comin'!
That family don't give a Dixie toot about you.
From now on, we're a family.
We are, aren't we? Oh, my God!
A Dynasty exhibit. They must've gotten my letters.
Can we go? Can we go? Can we go? Can we?
Sounds glorious. Let's get movin', sis.
Oh, almost forgot. [Hawking]
That's for freein' the slaves, you Negro-lovin' Yankee devil!
And suddenly things turned ugly.
Roger? [Whistles]
Here, boy! Damn it. Where could he be?
This ain't your corner, bitch!
Well, I guess my G.P.S. Is out of whack, slut!
- Bitch! - Slut!
This reminds me of something.
[Gasps] Dynasty.!
C.I.A. To the Smithsonian! Drive!
Wait. This is my car. Even better!
Now, Son, here's a fun activity my father taught me.
But I feel weird washing Mom's underwear.
Nonsense! We're bonding. Now bury me in an avalanche of panties.
Ja. Ja. Her sweaty, sweaty sports bra!
[Cackling]
Mom, you're reading the Bible again!
Oh, no. There's an oil spill in the garage.
I'm just gonna mop it up with Exodus.
- [Phone Rings] - Hello?
Hayley? Roger. Got a sec?
Roger? Whoa! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones...
where I can talk to the dead but only with horrible, ironic consequences?
Oh, right. It's past noon. You're already high.
Let me talk to the fish.
Oh, my God! You're really alive?
Yes, and I've somehow acquired a nasty, old, racist sidekick.
I'm at the Smithsonian. You gotta come get me.
There you are. You send me to get you a churro, and then you disappear.
- Anyway, here's your filthy wetback doughnut. - Hurry.
[Gasps]
We've tracked the alien here. We need to take it alive...
so we can punish those who've been hiding it.
Not if I get to him first.
Oh, my God! Joan Collins's ball gown!
Linda Evans's tennis outfit! Wow! John Forsythe's girdle!
Oh, the stories it could tell.
- [Steve] Roger? - Steve! Hayley!
Oh, thank God you came.
Roger's alive? It's a miracle!
I knew you couldn't resist a federally funded Dynasty exhibit.
Stan! Look, about that phone call-
- [Gunshot] - [Screams] What are you doing?
- Say your prayers, space chimp. - Stan, no!
Leave her alone, whitey!
- [Gunshots Continue] - [Both Gasping]
[Bullock] Damn it! He's getting away!
[Duper] Look, we're parachute ghosts!
[Making Ghostly Sounds]
All this for a "fat-ass" comment?
No, former Dad!
Nobody threatens my family. Now get out of the way, or I'll shoot you all.
Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.
Leave her alone, you two-dollar, pai-gow whore!
[Gertie Screaming]
We know you're in there, alien.! Come out with your tentacles up.!
- Dad, you can't just give him up! - That's the C.I.A. Out there.
They won't stop until they have Roger in custody.
- Just make it quick. - No, Roger!
- Use my children as a shield! - [Both Gasping]
It's no use. They've got me. If they torture me, I'll crack.
I mean, I can't even make it through the afternoon without a freakin' mojito.
I'd never want to put my family's safety at risk.
- Your family? - Of course. Now how are we gonna do this?
I think right here would be most dramatic.
Okay. Huh?
What's this? Some kind of tear-like substance coming from my eyes.
- He's crying. - I'm not a lady!
Stan, having feelings doesn't make you a lady.
It makes you human.
[Bullock] We've got to blow this door.! Prepare the door blower.!
We really should find a better name for that.
[Sighs] Well, it's clear what I have to do.
- Smith! - I've got the alien, sir.
Give me back my wig, you scalp-happy red man!
Look how it mimics our language.
[Gertie Muttering]
Well done, Agent Smith. I'm going back to the office...
and striking the words "tool" and "incompetent" from your personal record.
Thanks. Perhaps you could insert the words "lady" and "not a."
You know, I think we can.
It's good to have you back, buddy.
So, Roger, what was heaven like?
- Heaven? Wh-What the hell are you- - [Kicking]
Oh, yeah, heaven. Oh, oh, it was great.
Fluffy clouds, unicorns, bubble-gum waterfalls, all that crap.
Roger's our little miracle. Isn't he, Mom?
He sure is. God certainly works in mysterious ways.
Oh, wait. This is last month.
Bye. Have a great time!
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