1 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:07,202 Good morning, U.S.A. 2 00:00:07,307 --> 00:00:11,073 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day 3 00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:14,010 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face 4 00:00:14,114 --> 00:00:17,709 And he's shining a salute to the American race 5 00:00:20,553 --> 00:00:23,920 Oh, boy it's swell to say 6 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:26,686 Good morning, U.S.A. 7 00:00:28,628 --> 00:00:31,927 [Chorus] Good morning, U.S.A. 8 00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:44,767 - Who can bring me up to speed? - [Together] Me! Me! Pick me! 9 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,540 - I choose... Smith. - Face! 10 00:00:47,647 --> 00:00:52,084 One hour ago, a cyber-terrorist hacked into the dam's computers and shut it down... 11 00:00:52,185 --> 00:00:54,085 causing statewide blackouts... 12 00:00:54,187 --> 00:00:57,884 and my DVD of Personal Best to cut out right before the chicks did each other. 13 00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:01,256 - Any suspects? - No. But the psychopath faxed us this note. 14 00:01:01,361 --> 00:01:03,386 Luckily, there was paper in the machine this time. 15 00:01:03,496 --> 00:01:06,056 I've never seen this language before. 16 00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:09,602 No one has, sir. That's why we're flying in our top code breaker. 17 00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:13,763 [Stan] His name is Tom Jorgenson. He's notoriously difficult to work with. 18 00:01:13,873 --> 00:01:16,398 Some call him a genius. Others call him a madman. 19 00:01:16,509 --> 00:01:20,343 But he's the single most valuable weapon our country has in our war on terror. 20 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,747 Scott here is, uh, pretty good at theJumble. 21 00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:33,890 Damn it! There's a maniac out there jeopardizing the security of our nation! 22 00:01:33,993 --> 00:01:37,554 We must focus all of our resources on catching him! 23 00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:40,997 - [Whispering] - Right after softball practice. 24 00:01:42,969 --> 00:01:47,804 It slipped the surly bonds of Earth to touch the face of God. 25 00:01:47,907 --> 00:01:51,843 Nice shot, Smith. Accompanied by a hauntingly poignant turn of phrase. 26 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,379 Thanks. It's from Reagan's speech when the Challenger blew up. 27 00:01:54,481 --> 00:01:58,315 Speaking of which, you're going down in flames at the father/son softball game Saturday. 28 00:01:58,418 --> 00:02:01,512 Hey, my kid just made varsity, and he's only 12 or something. 29 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:05,990 Yeah. My son is so strong, when I talk out of turn, he beats me up with one hand. 30 00:02:06,092 --> 00:02:08,959 His one freakishly large hand. 31 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:12,361 Oh, yeah? Well, my son's a chip off the old perfectly chiseled... 32 00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:16,526 never impotent, except for that one time I couldn't get Lisa Kudrow out of my head, block. 33 00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:19,127 Yep. Steve's an absolute warrior. 34 00:02:19,239 --> 00:02:21,639 I am the Elf Warrior of Gallendror! 35 00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:26,235 My elf powers are invisibility, archery and worthy hygiene. 36 00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:30,715 Well, your freshly brushed teeth will make a minty necklace for my troll king! 37 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,684 - Oh, snap.! - [Steve] All right then, bring it on.! Bring it on.! 38 00:02:33,786 --> 00:02:37,187 I sure hope the fellows like Crystal Light as much as I do. 39 00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:41,192 Roger, have you lost your mind? You know you can't let Steve's friends see you. 40 00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:44,593 Oh, Hayley, they won't notice I'm not Francine. They're 13. 41 00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:47,029 They'll never take their eyes off my sweater meat. 42 00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:49,033 Look, don't go down there. 43 00:02:49,135 --> 00:02:51,831 I promise I'll help you find a safe way to socialize with humans. 44 00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:55,169 That'd be great, Hayley. I feel so cooped up in this place. 45 00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:59,575 It's like a prison, except without the thrill of a daily cavity search. 46 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:01,840 Did I say thrill? I meant fear. 47 00:03:05,151 --> 00:03:07,244 [Stan] Nice one.! Beautiful.! 48 00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:09,947 Way to step into it. Amazing. 49 00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:12,320 Huh. He's good, but he's no Smith. 50 00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:14,757 Sun was in your eyes. Wind took that one. 51 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,796 You weren't ready yet. You weren't ready yet. You weren't ready yet. 52 00:03:17,897 --> 00:03:20,957 - [Groans] - Good job, Son. Take your base. 53 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:26,198 Sandwiches for my big sluggers. 54 00:03:26,306 --> 00:03:29,275 Steve, I put yours in the blender so you don't have to chew. 55 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:33,334 Thanks, Mom. And thanks again for hanging out with me today, Dad. 56 00:03:33,446 --> 00:03:36,472 It doesn't look like Steve had much fun at the batting cages. 57 00:03:36,583 --> 00:03:39,381 Nonsense! You should have seen him crying when we were leaving. 58 00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:43,216 You know, Stan, maybe Steve's not the athlete you think he is. 59 00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:46,884 - Are you saying our son is a loser? - No, of course not. I'm just- 60 00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:49,188 Damn right. Because if you're an athlete, you're a winner. 61 00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:52,059 And all Smiths are winners. Therefore, all athletes are Smiths. 62 00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:54,133 I'll take my sandwich in the study. 63 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:57,692 Ach, he's so delusional. Well, I'm late for my pedicure. 64 00:03:57,804 --> 00:04:00,796 [Imitating Motor Running] 65 00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:05,610 [Imitating Tires Screeching] 66 00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:08,203 [Imitating Footsteps] 67 00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:10,214 [Imitating Door Creaking] 68 00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:14,184 I'm sorry I'm late, Mai Ling. I'm thinking French tips this week. 69 00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:19,350 Behold! It is here. The events guide to this weekend's sci-fi convention. 70 00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,427 - I've been waiting all year for this! - Yeah! 71 00:04:21,527 --> 00:04:25,054 They're doing a Klingon wedding, followed by a Klingon divorce. 72 00:04:25,164 --> 00:04:29,157 - Rok-pra.! - You said it! Get a prenup. 73 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:33,103 Steve, how would you like to go to the Yankee-Oriole game tomorrow? 74 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,470 - Really? - Absolutely. If you want to get good at something... 75 00:04:35,575 --> 00:04:37,770 you have to see it done up close by professionals. 76 00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:40,903 That's why I took your mother to Bangkok last summer. 77 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:44,541 Oh! Her Pad Thai is delicious now. 78 00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:48,348 Uh, Steve, you were supposed to go on a mission with us tomorrow? 79 00:04:48,454 --> 00:04:51,423 - You're all invited. - Cool! Can we wear our uniforms? 80 00:04:51,524 --> 00:04:55,984 - Absolutely. And I got you all baseball jackets too. - Oh, that's great, man! 81 00:04:56,095 --> 00:05:00,054 Your size would have cost me two bucks extra, so, uh, just bring a sweater. 82 00:05:04,203 --> 00:05:06,398 - I've never been to a baseball game before. - Yeah? 83 00:05:06,506 --> 00:05:10,533 Well, wait till you hear who pulled some strings to get us into the Yankee locker room. 84 00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,804 - You? - I said wait, pork chop! 85 00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:15,039 Whoa. Whoa. [Chuckles] Where did that come from? 86 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,173 Uh, yes, Steve's friend, it was me. 87 00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:22,653 Well, going to the beach as a Saudi exchange student was an awful idea. 88 00:05:22,755 --> 00:05:26,589 Well, I'm sorry no one talked to you. But we can't risk anyone seeing you. 89 00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:29,457 Hayley, I'm a social creature. I need to mingle. 90 00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:32,156 You know, back home, I was a greeter at Philaxido? 91 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,165 It's kind of like Wal-Mart. 92 00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:37,828 Except when people work there for 18 years, they aren't proud of it. 93 00:05:37,937 --> 00:05:42,271 - [Chattering] - Look, boys. Perennial All-Star, DerekJeter. 94 00:05:42,375 --> 00:05:45,469 Hey, kids. Have fun at the game. 95 00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:47,876 Listen, the C.I.A. Said they were done with me. 96 00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:50,346 I still have the headaches and the nightmares. 97 00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:53,317 What happened in Munich? Who did I kill? 98 00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:55,683 No, no. I'm not here for that. I'm here with my son. 99 00:05:55,788 --> 00:05:57,688 He's an athlete, like you. 100 00:05:57,790 --> 00:06:02,727 - We've landed. Gentlemen, reveal uniforms. - [Men Chuckling] 101 00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:05,389 - Steve, what are you doing? - [Beeps] 102 00:06:05,498 --> 00:06:08,797 We've beamed down to a planet of strange men in swaddling clothes. 103 00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:11,392 - What's your reading, Chekov? - [Speaking Japanese] 104 00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,743 I'm Sulu. 105 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:25,150 Athlete? Stan, your son's a geek. 106 00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:27,617 What? No! No, that can't be! 107 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,154 [Techno Pop] 108 00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:44,799 [Continues] 109 00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:49,765 - [Ends] - Aah! 110 00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:51,844 [Gasps] 111 00:06:52,879 --> 00:06:55,973 No! 112 00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,251 Oh, thank God! [Gasps] 113 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:05,085 No! 114 00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:12,660 - The cyber-terrorist has struck again. - That's right, Greg. 115 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,791 This time he hacked into the computer system of the largest refinery on the East Coast... 116 00:07:15,902 --> 00:07:17,870 essentially shutting down all oil production. 117 00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:19,870 Oh, I hope that doesn't include olive oil. 118 00:07:19,972 --> 00:07:22,202 Someone promised to make me paella this weekend. 119 00:07:22,308 --> 00:07:24,776 Great. Now it seems like an obligation instead of a treat. 120 00:07:24,877 --> 00:07:27,505 - [Grinding] - Stan, stop grinding your teeth. 121 00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:30,480 It's not your fault that nut-job is still out there. 122 00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:34,383 Forget national security! We have a real crisis! Our son is a geek! 123 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:36,887 So our son is a geek? Who cares? 124 00:07:36,989 --> 00:07:39,082 You knew? What else have you been hiding? 125 00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,126 Maybe the fact that he's not even my son? 126 00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:43,695 Please! Please tell me you slept with another man! 127 00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:46,697 Tell me it was in our bed, and he was wearing my tie as a headband... 128 00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:48,926 and-and you grabbed the tie to gain leverage... 129 00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:51,128 and then apologized, embarrassed, but he said... 130 00:07:51,237 --> 00:07:54,070 "No, baby. You grab what you need to grab to keep doing what you're doing." 131 00:07:54,173 --> 00:07:56,733 Tell me! If you ever loved me, you'll tell me that's what happened! 132 00:07:56,843 --> 00:07:58,868 Stop overreacting. 133 00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:02,573 Look, you two are gonna go to the father/son softball game tomorrow... 134 00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:05,549 and have a wonderful time. 135 00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:10,247 Hey, everyone. I'm Steve Smith, Stan Smith's son. 136 00:08:10,356 --> 00:08:15,191 Stan Smith is my dad. Watch me play throw. [Grunts] 137 00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:17,319 [All Laughing] 138 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,263 [Grinding] 139 00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:24,465 Oh, honey. You're breaking out in a stress rash. 140 00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:28,267 You need ein facial. I'll call Mai Ling and make you an appointment. 141 00:08:28,374 --> 00:08:30,274 [Imitating Dialing] 142 00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:32,276 [Imitating Phone Ringing] 143 00:08:32,378 --> 00:08:34,437 McCullough's Outdoor Furniture, Bob speaking. 144 00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:37,243 Ach, I'm sorry. I must have misdialed. Click. 145 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,682 Look, you said you wanted a job so you could meet people. 146 00:08:39,785 --> 00:08:43,346 No, no, it's good. L-It's fine. The costume's nice and spacious. 147 00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:46,857 There's enough room in here for everything, except my self-respect. 148 00:08:46,959 --> 00:08:50,793 It's not my fault the job market sucks. I didn't vote for Bush. 149 00:08:50,897 --> 00:08:53,559 - Let it go, Hayley. - [Hayley] Never.! 150 00:08:56,168 --> 00:08:59,467 - Uh, hey, Son. - Dad, check out my protective cup. 151 00:08:59,572 --> 00:09:02,405 It's like a force field for my boy parts. 152 00:09:02,508 --> 00:09:06,604 Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yes, yes. Unfortunately, the game's been rained out. 153 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:10,113 - Oh, no. - Yeah, I know. God, I'm crushed! 154 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:14,585 - You know, we could still do something together. - We sure could. 155 00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:16,712 Well, good-bye! 156 00:09:16,822 --> 00:09:18,790 [Doorbell Rings] 157 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,956 Hey, Steve. Want to burn bugs with a magnifying glass? 158 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,326 We use the sun to send them to heaven. 159 00:09:25,431 --> 00:09:27,592 Wait. It's not raining. 160 00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:35,264 Wow! Your dad used a rain machine to ditch you? Why the hell would he do that? 161 00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:38,400 - Knock it out of the park, Son! - [Cheering] 162 00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:41,844 - Nice hit, Son! - [Man] Go.! Go.! Go.! Go.! Yeah.! 163 00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:46,511 - Your son is phenomenal, Smith. - Thank you, sir. 164 00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:48,746 Yeah, he's amazing. 165 00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:51,823 - No one told you to talk! - I'm sorry, Son. 166 00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:54,791 Hey, Stan. How come I've never seen this son of yours before? 167 00:09:54,894 --> 00:09:57,124 Darnelle's been to the office a hundred times! 168 00:09:57,229 --> 00:09:59,959 Or are black people invisible to you, you racist bastard? 169 00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:04,696 - [Crowd Cheering] - Wow! They sure can run, can't they? 170 00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:06,965 Way to go, Son! 171 00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:08,973 [Gasps] 172 00:10:09,075 --> 00:10:11,168 Half off on a peach smoothie! 173 00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:13,507 Thanks. That's a good deal. 174 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,013 Yes! I had a conversation. 175 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:18,276 [Man] What are you doin'on my corner? 176 00:10:18,384 --> 00:10:21,820 Hola, Taco King. ¿Cómo estás? 177 00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:24,116 Guess I should have used the formal usted. 178 00:10:24,223 --> 00:10:27,283 - You're cutting into my business! - Oh, come on. 179 00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:31,762 I bet if you let me inside your hard shell, I'd find a lump of soft meat. 180 00:10:31,864 --> 00:10:33,798 [Chuckles] Th-That came out wrong. 181 00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:37,960 Ow! Ow! Ow! Please! Let's talk this out! Pl- Ow! 182 00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:41,039 - [Roger] Why does everyone hate the juice? - [Horns Honking] 183 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:47,010 [Humming: "Take Me Out To the Ball Game"] 184 00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:49,877 - Uh, Steve! - How was your day? 185 00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:52,678 Oh, i-i-i-it was, uh, it was great. Great. 186 00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:57,222 Great. Great. What's, uh, what's that on your shoulder? 187 00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:00,019 It looks like a strand of Big League chew. 188 00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:03,618 Except that looks like grape. And you only chew original. 189 00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:05,720 Oh, that. Uh, well, I, uh- 190 00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:08,766 I was at the softball game, Dad! I saw you with him! 191 00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:11,496 Look, I'm sorry, all right? I'm weak! I have needs! 192 00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:16,166 No, I'm sorry. Sorry I'm not the son you want me to be! 193 00:11:16,275 --> 00:11:19,176 - [Grunts] - [Grinding] 194 00:11:19,278 --> 00:11:21,178 Uh, Francine! 195 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:26,240 - What kind of father would do that to his own son? - [Grinding] 196 00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:31,586 - [Screams] - I got beat up by a taco. 197 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,751 - [Grinding] - [Snap] 198 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:41,230 Mr. Smith, you're what we call in the business a Class "A" grinder. 199 00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:44,131 Now I'm not talking about the sandwich grinder... 200 00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:48,332 or the organ grinder you may find locked in sweaty coitus with your father... 201 00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:50,341 one fateful afternoon in Rome. 202 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,343 No, you're a Class "A" grinder... 203 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:55,642 meaning that you grind your teeth so fervently that you need braces. 204 00:11:55,748 --> 00:11:57,909 Braces? You've got to be kidding! 205 00:11:58,017 --> 00:12:00,008 [Chuckles] I only wish, Mr. Smith. 206 00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:03,247 And I only wish I had never known the sickly sweet scent of my father's love... 207 00:12:03,355 --> 00:12:05,255 with that filthy fat gypsy. 208 00:12:05,357 --> 00:12:07,848 And that I could have mustered something other than "Papa, no!"... 209 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,394 before that shrieking monkey drove me from the room. 210 00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:12,964 But you're a grinder, and you're getting braces. 211 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:15,465 But l-I already had braces when I was a kid. 212 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,559 Doctor, I've paid my dues. 213 00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:21,436 - [Thinking] Papa, no! - [Thinking: Monkey Screeching] 214 00:12:21,540 --> 00:12:23,440 - [Thinking: Footsteps Running] - [Thinking: Door Slamming Shut] 215 00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:26,978 Do we ever pay our dues, Mr. Smith? 216 00:12:29,982 --> 00:12:31,950 [Beeps] 217 00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:34,747 [Beeping Rapidly] 218 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,857 This morning the cyber-terrorist struck again. 219 00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:42,325 Agent Smith, could you tell us the location? 220 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,794 [Lisping] The Securities and Exchange Commission. 221 00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:48,594 - [All Laughing] - Oh, ha, ha, very funny. 222 00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:51,932 All right. All right. Settle down. Back to the cyber-terrorist. 223 00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:55,598 Once again, he sent a note in the same mysterious language. 224 00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:58,541 All of our living code breakers are absolutely stumped. 225 00:12:58,644 --> 00:13:03,172 Therefore, because we have no leads, this afternoon we'll be raiding a mosque. 226 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:06,046 - [All Cheering] - All right! Yeah! Yeah! 227 00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:09,053 Hey, pizza face! Here comes a delivery! 228 00:13:09,155 --> 00:13:11,851 [All Laughing] 229 00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:13,857 Well, that guy was a real jerk. 230 00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:18,020 Yes. It's a sad sight when Americans turn against Americans. 231 00:13:24,069 --> 00:13:27,436 - [Men Laughing] - Oh, ha, ha. Real mature, guys. 232 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:30,475 - You're lucky I'm wearing my vest. - Your attention, please. 233 00:13:30,576 --> 00:13:34,876 I'm afraid the arbitrary raid on that mosque has been canceled due to rain. 234 00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:38,640 - [All Aahing] - Man! 235 00:13:38,751 --> 00:13:42,551 Well, I might as well get my rainy-day mix tape out of the car. 236 00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:45,656 Wait a second. 237 00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:48,556 Not a drop of rain in all of Christendom. 238 00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:53,328 - They ditched me. - [Horn Honking] 239 00:13:53,432 --> 00:13:55,866 [Honking Continues] 240 00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:58,994 [All Laughing] 241 00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:01,800 I'm telling the president on you! 242 00:14:05,744 --> 00:14:10,772 They all went on a mission and left me behind like- like I was... a geek! 243 00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:13,249 Well, now you know how you made Steve feel. 244 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:18,085 So you need to go to him and apologize and tell him how much you love him. 245 00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:21,785 Fine. If I'm gonna be a geek, I might as well be a sissy too. 246 00:14:23,462 --> 00:14:27,398 I steal your bag of holding, cut off your head with my vorpal blade... 247 00:14:27,499 --> 00:14:30,400 and throw your corpse in the fires of Lake Piracima! 248 00:14:30,502 --> 00:14:34,962 - Whoa! Easy, Steve. - I am not your father, okay? 249 00:14:35,074 --> 00:14:40,376 I'm just Balthor, a simple ogre blacksmith trying to make a living. 250 00:14:40,479 --> 00:14:42,606 [Speaking Japanese] 251 00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:48,948 Steve, may I speak to you for a second? 252 00:14:50,155 --> 00:14:53,124 Come on, Steve. He's your dad. 253 00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,318 Shut up, fatty fat, fat pants! 254 00:14:55,427 --> 00:14:57,918 Wow. Seriously, I have no idea what that's about. 255 00:14:58,030 --> 00:15:00,521 Only the holder of the amulet may talk. 256 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:04,262 - So I give you an elf curse! - Oh, my God! 257 00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:07,339 [Stan] That's the language the cyber-terrorist uses in his notes.! 258 00:15:07,439 --> 00:15:09,907 What? Wait. May I? 259 00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:12,569 Why do they always set the rear brackets too tight? 260 00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:15,613 - There. Now say something. - [Lisp Free] Sweet Sally Struthers. 261 00:15:15,714 --> 00:15:18,740 Sweet Sally Struthers. I can say sweet Sally Struthers! 262 00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:21,012 - Now tell me, what is that language? - It's Elvish. 263 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:26,023 - Of course. The Yiddish Elvis. - No. The language of the elves. 264 00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:28,457 Look, Steve, if you could translate his notes... 265 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,654 then I could capture this madman and be one of the cool agents again. 266 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:35,029 Please, Son. I really need your help. 267 00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:37,967 [Sighs] Fine. I'll help you. 268 00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:44,639 Look, Mr. Smith, your stress zits are going away. Yea! 269 00:15:44,743 --> 00:15:46,802 Oh, God, I want to hit you! 270 00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:52,012 Okay, in this one, the cyber-terrorist says... 271 00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:56,645 "Your money will come to a grinding halt and all because of society's fault." 272 00:15:56,755 --> 00:16:01,283 Of course! He was taunting us about his attack on the Securities Exchange Commission. 273 00:16:01,393 --> 00:16:05,762 If only there was some clue as to who this elusive mastermind is. 274 00:16:05,864 --> 00:16:08,992 It's right here in the letterhead- "From the desk of Dan Vebber." 275 00:16:09,101 --> 00:16:12,559 - Holy crap! The Dan Vebber? - You know this monster? 276 00:16:12,671 --> 00:16:18,371 Are you kidding? He's only the contributing editor of Wizards and Shut-Ins magazine. 277 00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:22,846 And tonight, there's only one place he could be- the sci-fi convention. 278 00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:27,715 Then let's go! And way to save precious seconds by abbreviating science fiction as sci-fi. 279 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:32,484 But next time, maybe say sci-fi con or S.F.C., because time is of the essence. 280 00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:35,685 Or as we say at the agency, T.O. - No. No, wait. 281 00:16:35,794 --> 00:16:41,596 Time is- is of-T.I.O. -T.I.O. - What am I spelling here? 282 00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,895 - Where are you going? - Sci-fi convention! 283 00:16:47,473 --> 00:16:50,203 Roger, I know a place where you can meet people. [Gasps] 284 00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:54,103 Oh, my God! If he had just held on! 285 00:16:54,213 --> 00:16:57,307 Huh? Oh, no, no. I sleep like this sometimes. It's good for my back. 286 00:16:57,416 --> 00:16:59,384 So where are we going? 287 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,421 So why would Dan Vebber become a cyber-terrorist? 288 00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:06,548 What do we know about Dan Vebber? 289 00:17:06,658 --> 00:17:10,185 - Well, he's a grown man obsessed with The Lord of the Rings- - That's it! 290 00:17:10,295 --> 00:17:12,229 By destroying modern infrastructures... 291 00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:15,266 he hopes to create a Middle Earth in the here and now. 292 00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:17,267 That's it! I've cracked it! 293 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,894 But wait a second. Steve was the one who- 294 00:17:25,677 --> 00:17:28,373 [Chattering] 295 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:31,108 Good God! Who's manning the Internet? 296 00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:33,184 - [Whirring] - [Cocking] 297 00:17:36,188 --> 00:17:39,021 - Agent Smith, C.I.A. - Agent Mulder, F.B.I. 298 00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:41,592 - I'm Agent Scully. - Excellent. Follow me. 299 00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:46,292 I don't know who he's playing, but he is so committed. 300 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,389 Do not invite him back to the apartment. 301 00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:50,400 - But- - Not even to watch. 302 00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:53,699 Oh, this is so great, not having to wear a disguise. 303 00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,673 I can actually make a connection with people as me. 304 00:17:56,775 --> 00:17:59,335 Want me to Irish up that coffee for you? 305 00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:02,642 - No? Well, suit yourself. - [Gulping] 306 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,979 Hey, I'm Roger. Nice to meet you. Nanu nanu. 307 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,985 Hey, it's- it's you! 308 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,851 - Oh, God! This guy. - You know him? 309 00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:14,255 - It's me, Kurt. - Right. Right, Kurt. 310 00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:17,920 - How ya doing? - How am I doing? You probed me! 311 00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:20,999 You set fire to my Celica! No one believed me! 312 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,000 My wife left me! She took my boys! 313 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,127 But, hey, that's okay because you're back... 314 00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:27,899 and you can tell everyone that you exist and that I'm not crazy. 315 00:18:28,006 --> 00:18:31,567 Yeah. Uh, this is kind of my weekend. 316 00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:35,613 Um, look, just, uh, hang out at your booth and I'll swing back by... 317 00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:39,411 and we'll piece together the shattered remains of your life or- or whatever. 318 00:18:39,518 --> 00:18:42,282 Oh, God, thank you. Thank you! You're coming back? 319 00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:45,481 Ten minutes, right here. Keep walking. 320 00:18:45,591 --> 00:18:48,958 Every thinking, rational person knows that Luke Skywalker... 321 00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:51,552 would totally destroy Frodo! 322 00:18:51,663 --> 00:18:56,623 Yes. Were it not for the one ring which bestows the power of invisibility. 323 00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:59,397 - That's Dan Vebber! - Sorry, Vebber. 324 00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:05,068 - You're going away for a long time. So pack your baggins. - [All Groaning] 325 00:19:05,177 --> 00:19:07,668 Dad, I know people here. 326 00:19:07,779 --> 00:19:11,306 So the enemies of Middle Earth are upon Dan Vebber. 327 00:19:11,416 --> 00:19:14,385 Fellow dorks, this is the man who convinced Lucas... 328 00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:18,013 to not release the anamorphic, 5.1 DVD transfers... 329 00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:21,490 of the original, non-special-edition Star Wars Trilogy. 330 00:19:21,593 --> 00:19:24,721 [All Gasping, Growling] 331 00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:27,025 [Crowd Shouting, Indistinct] 332 00:19:31,570 --> 00:19:34,038 [Imitating Light Saber Buzzing] 333 00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:38,743 [Thud] 334 00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:54,187 Frodo lives and you must die. 335 00:19:54,293 --> 00:19:56,193 [Steve] Not so fast, Halfling. 336 00:19:56,295 --> 00:20:00,425 This is the underwear PeterJackson wore while editing The Frighteners. 337 00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:04,534 No! 338 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,230 [Screaming] 339 00:20:09,508 --> 00:20:12,409 - [Grunting] - Nice work, Son. 340 00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:15,378 - Ooh! Ooh! - Freeze, you big-footed freak! 341 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:19,177 Dan Vebber does not fear you, for he is ushering in the age of magic. 342 00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:23,152 And you cannot shoot what you cannot see. Ha! 343 00:20:23,255 --> 00:20:25,189 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha- 344 00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:28,555 [Groaning, Sobbing] 345 00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:30,924 - [Moaning] - Well done, Smith. 346 00:20:31,029 --> 00:20:34,089 Well, the credit should go to Steve. He's the real hero. 347 00:20:34,199 --> 00:20:36,759 - Way to go, Son. - Thanks, Dad. 348 00:20:36,868 --> 00:20:40,167 I'm just glad you learned to finally appreciate me for who I am. 349 00:20:40,272 --> 00:20:43,571 I sure have, Son. And I'm glad you enjoyed this auto show. 350 00:20:43,675 --> 00:20:45,643 It's a sci-fi convention. 351 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:50,404 [Chuckling] My son loves his cars. 352 00:20:50,515 --> 00:20:53,780 I don't get it, Roger. You say you want to connect with people... 353 00:20:53,885 --> 00:20:55,910 and then you spend two hours in the bathroom... 354 00:20:56,021 --> 00:20:58,819 avoiding the one person on this planet who wants to talk to you. 355 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,017 Just shut up and get me back to my attic. 356 00:21:01,126 --> 00:21:03,117 I can't believe I agreed to do this. 357 00:21:03,228 --> 00:21:05,560 It's different this time, Ilene! He's here! 358 00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:07,859 And you're gonna see him! And the boys are gonna see him! 359 00:21:07,966 --> 00:21:11,493 And you'll all know I'm not crazy! And we can be a family again! 360 00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:13,798 Oh, God! Don't look. Don't look. 361 00:21:46,738 --> 00:21:48,638 Bye-bye. See you soon. 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net