1 00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:07,336 Good morning, U.S.A. 2 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:11,103 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day 3 00:00:11,211 --> 00:00:14,044 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face 4 00:00:14,147 --> 00:00:17,947 And he's shining a salute to the American race 5 00:00:20,620 --> 00:00:24,078 Oh, boy, it's swell to say 6 00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:26,852 Good morning, U.S.A. 7 00:00:28,795 --> 00:00:31,923 [Chorus] Good morning, U.S.A. 8 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:34,364 It's up to you, Smith. You've got one shot. 9 00:00:34,467 --> 00:00:36,458 With this, it's live or die. 10 00:00:36,569 --> 00:00:39,402 Damn it, man! Don't you think I know that? 11 00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:41,633 Yes! Deputy Director Bullock. 12 00:00:41,741 --> 00:00:43,641 Gentlemen, we have a crucial mission. 13 00:00:43,743 --> 00:00:47,941 We found an Al-Qaeda cell camped out in the remote desert of Algeria. 14 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,949 - Are they planning an attack? - No, they're just on a camping trip. 15 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,485 Those s'mores-making bastards! 16 00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:55,986 We're going to infiltrate the site and take them out. 17 00:00:56,089 --> 00:00:57,989 It'll be tough, dangerous... 18 00:00:58,091 --> 00:01:01,390 and a perfect chance to premiere my new cargo shorts. 19 00:01:01,494 --> 00:01:04,986 Excellent! If we have to dress up as a camel on this mission, I call the front. 20 00:01:05,098 --> 00:01:07,498 Actually, Smith, you're staying behind to book our flight. 21 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:11,263 - Say what? - Smith, per this photo, you're a family man. 22 00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:13,271 You're too valuable to too many people... 23 00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:15,739 to risk your life on this thrilling adventure. 24 00:01:15,842 --> 00:01:19,209 - But, sir- - Duper, look what I got at Banana Republic! 25 00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:21,803 We're "twinsies"! 26 00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:26,409 And that's how I lost a testicle. 27 00:01:26,519 --> 00:01:30,751 Wow, Grandpa. I thought I heard every story there was about Bette Davis. 28 00:01:30,857 --> 00:01:32,757 Ooh! What's that? A bugaboo? 29 00:01:32,859 --> 00:01:35,589 Roger, you're not supposed to be in here while Grandpa's visiting. 30 00:01:35,695 --> 00:01:37,595 Don't worry, Gramps. I'm just a faded memory... 31 00:01:37,697 --> 00:01:39,858 of the girl you kissed on V.J. Day... 32 00:01:39,966 --> 00:01:42,093 wanderin' through to get some Cheez-Its. 33 00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:45,933 Hey, while you're in there, get me an Otter Pop. Alexander the Grape! 34 00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:48,940 Look, Dad. Grandpa came to visit. 35 00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:51,306 Oh, hey, Dad. Steve, I hope you Scotchgarded. 36 00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:54,005 We can't flip that cushion again. 37 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,014 [Grunting] 38 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:58,016 - Hi, honey. - Oh, Francine... 39 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,109 Bullock stuck me with another pathetic assignment. 40 00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:02,518 I'm in a rut. My career is going nowhere. 41 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:05,284 Well, if you need a place to go, how about the market? 42 00:02:05,391 --> 00:02:07,359 Oh, and, Francine, F.Y. I... 43 00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:10,293 Cheese Nips are not the same as Cheez-Its. 44 00:02:10,396 --> 00:02:12,887 Why have a list if you're not gonna follow it? 45 00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:18,000 All the cool missions go to the young guys. 46 00:02:18,104 --> 00:02:22,632 Oh, Stan, maybe you're just having a midlife crisis. You wanna cheat on me? 47 00:02:22,742 --> 00:02:26,508 A mistress on my salary, Francine? Come on! 48 00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:29,275 Listen, sweetheart. You have a stable job... 49 00:02:29,382 --> 00:02:32,374 an adoring wife and a family that loves you. 50 00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:34,919 That makes you the richest man in the world. 51 00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:38,650 Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. 52 00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:41,727 Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world... 53 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,820 because I have an adoring wife and a loving family. 54 00:02:44,931 --> 00:02:47,729 - Oh, Stan, please. - Oh, hang on. That's the other line. 55 00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:51,099 Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. 56 00:02:51,204 --> 00:02:55,163 What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? 57 00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:58,005 - What an odd policy! - Okay, I get it! 58 00:02:58,111 --> 00:03:00,272 Francine, I don't want to be a pencil pusher. 59 00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:02,848 - I'm a killing machine. - Oh, sweetie, I know. 60 00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:06,612 Why don't you just talk to your boss and tell him how you feel? 61 00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:09,654 That's perfect! I'll plant a bomb in his office and then diffuse it... 62 00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:11,883 so I can prove I've still got it. 63 00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:14,755 Baby, I just might have that affair after all. 64 00:03:18,731 --> 00:03:21,564 My God! There's a bomb in my office! 65 00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:24,398 Oh, my God! It's a giant bomb! 66 00:03:24,504 --> 00:03:26,563 - How fudge-making! - There's a bomb? 67 00:03:26,673 --> 00:03:28,573 - What's goin' on? - Someone brought fudge? 68 00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:33,442 Now, everyone watch as this family man/killing machine defuses this bomb. 69 00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:36,447 [Bomb Ticking] 70 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:40,041 [Glasses Shatter] 71 00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,747 [Francine's Voice] Open it.! Open it, birthday boy.! 72 00:03:42,855 --> 00:03:44,755 [Stan's Voice] What's this? 73 00:03:44,857 --> 00:03:47,621 - A chain for your reading glasses. - Oh, this- this is elegant. 74 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:51,060 I'll-I'll definitely wear it. I'll definitely, definitely wear it. 75 00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:54,565 [Shudders] 76 00:03:57,770 --> 00:04:01,968 Oh, God, we're gonna die! Fudge has been made! Mommy, help me! 77 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,475 [Ticking Continues] 78 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,409 [Ticking Stops] 79 00:04:10,516 --> 00:04:12,711 Well done, Duper! Way to save us all! 80 00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:15,447 - [Cheering] - Oh, Duper's got nail clippers. 81 00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:19,821 You get a free vagina with that? [Laughs, Groans] 82 00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,328 Come on, guys! Guess who I am! 83 00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:26,830 Oh, uh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I don't care. 84 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:30,425 It's Gavin from my algebra class. He's always doing this. 85 00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:32,436 Well, you tell Gavin to pay attention. 86 00:04:32,538 --> 00:04:34,438 The students in China pay attention... 87 00:04:34,540 --> 00:04:36,440 and they outnumber us four to one. 88 00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:38,601 The red dragon awakens. 89 00:04:38,711 --> 00:04:42,704 It's over. I'm washed up. I'm the Chumbawamba of secret agents. 90 00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:45,181 Mom, Dad, you better come in here! 91 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:48,118 Um, um, okay, okay. Uh, dead! Lifeless! 92 00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:50,121 Lindsay Lohan's eyes! 93 00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,783 Stan, your father! 94 00:04:56,996 --> 00:04:58,896 Okay, what have we got here? 95 00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:01,489 Ah, beloved grandpa. Of course! 96 00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:04,331 God forbid I get to spice up my day with a murdered stripper. 97 00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:06,496 Stan, maybe you should say a few words. 98 00:05:06,606 --> 00:05:10,372 Great. Thanks for landing this. I got tee time in like 20 minutes. 99 00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:12,706 - [Car Door Closes] - [Engine Starts] 100 00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:15,372 - [Hard Rock] - [Tires Screeching] 101 00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:19,212 So... tacos? Who wants tacos? I'm buying. 102 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,482 Gosh, Dad, you're not even gonna say anything about your own father? 103 00:05:22,588 --> 00:05:25,557 - Oh, he didn't like tacos. - [Helicopter Approaching] 104 00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:33,695 Hello, Stan. Long time no partially see. 105 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,928 - Oh, my God! - Stan, who is this? 106 00:05:37,036 --> 00:05:40,199 Just the most awesome super spy that ever lived! 107 00:05:40,306 --> 00:05:44,333 Francine, kids, meetJack Smith, my real dad. 108 00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:46,173 Say what? 109 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,914 Good-looking family, Son. 110 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:54,180 This is your real father? You hid this from me for 20 years? 111 00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:58,018 Oh, yeah, you-you didn't have a clue. Whoo. 112 00:05:58,124 --> 00:06:00,388 Sorry, gang, but for the last four decades... 113 00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:03,291 I've been hip-deep in the blood of America's enemies. 114 00:06:05,164 --> 00:06:09,294 - So, why are you here now? - I decided it was high time to meet the family. 115 00:06:09,402 --> 00:06:12,530 Wait a minute. If that's our grandfather, who did we just bury? 116 00:06:12,638 --> 00:06:14,970 Well, let's just say he's a beloved family friend... 117 00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:16,974 who helped me in my hour of need. 118 00:06:17,076 --> 00:06:19,636 Listen, I'm getting married in three hours... 119 00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:22,510 and I need a pretend dad for the next 30 years. 120 00:06:22,615 --> 00:06:25,140 [All Shouting In Spanish] 121 00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:27,219 - Okay, how about you? - [Murmuring] 122 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,618 So forget this guy. 123 00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:32,020 You've got the real thing right here. 124 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:35,390 Hey, chief, I brought you a Taliban snow globe. 125 00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:37,326 Shake it. That's real heroin. 126 00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:41,924 I don't want a heroin snow globe! I want my fake dead grandpa! 127 00:06:42,034 --> 00:06:43,934 [Grunts] 128 00:06:44,036 --> 00:06:47,733 I can't believe you lied to me all these years! 129 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:51,571 And the best part is I'm still lying to you about a bunch of other stuff. 130 00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,873 Ah, just need a pinch of fresh dill. 131 00:06:59,285 --> 00:07:01,014 Oh, Dad, these eggs are the best! 132 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,020 Francine, taste these eggs. 133 00:07:03,122 --> 00:07:05,682 It's like Dad plucked them from the ovaries of an angel. 134 00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:08,784 So, you're a despicable C.I.A. Fascist like my father. 135 00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:11,955 No, doll face. I work for the Scarlet Alliance. 136 00:07:12,064 --> 00:07:16,023 It's more secret, more deadly, and everyone wears a turtleneck. 137 00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:18,695 Sounds like a disco I used to frequent in Berlin. 138 00:07:18,805 --> 00:07:21,000 I did lines with Falco in the men's room. 139 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,007 Greedy, greedy Falco. 140 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:25,771 God, the Scarlet Alliance sounds so cool! 141 00:07:25,878 --> 00:07:27,778 I wish I was doing what you're doing: 142 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,973 Taking a sweet, 20-year break from the family... 143 00:07:30,082 --> 00:07:32,380 then coming back in a blaze of glory and eggs. 144 00:07:32,485 --> 00:07:34,953 - Who used all my cream rinse? - [Screams] 145 00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:37,352 - [Screams] - What the hell are you? 146 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,824 Yeah, can someone tell Snake Plissken here to back off? 147 00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:43,225 Sorry, Dad. I should've told you we have an alien. 148 00:07:43,329 --> 00:07:46,696 I know it's against regulations, but, uh, I kind of owe him my life. 149 00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:48,994 Oh. Well, in that case, we're square. 150 00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:51,262 Now scare me up some bourbon, space man. 151 00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:55,272 God, not even a please! Treat me like a doormat, why don't ya? 152 00:07:55,374 --> 00:07:58,468 I'll be right back. [Giggling] 153 00:08:02,348 --> 00:08:04,248 - [Door Creaks] - Hello? 154 00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:08,184 Oh, hi. I'm Steve. This was my grandpa's apartment. 155 00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:10,221 Oh, I'm Gretchen. 156 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:13,520 Your grandfather and I used to play bridge together. 157 00:08:13,626 --> 00:08:16,493 Would you like on of his sugar packets as a keepsake? 158 00:08:16,596 --> 00:08:18,757 Oh, he loved his sugar packets. 159 00:08:18,865 --> 00:08:21,163 Oh, he took these from I HOP! 160 00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:23,167 Yeah, he loved his I HOP. 161 00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:25,931 - Breakfast sampler, extra fruit, no bacon. - No bacon. 162 00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:28,063 [Both Laughing] 163 00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,199 [Sighs] I'm gonna miss him. 164 00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:32,209 Me too. 165 00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:37,440 [Both Moaning] 166 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,785 - [Bedsprings Creaking] - [Stan] And my dad fought Communists and terrorists. 167 00:08:43,890 --> 00:08:47,326 And he has a jet pack and a helicopter, and I bet he could beat up a cowboy. 168 00:08:47,426 --> 00:08:49,758 [Francine] This isn't working for me, Stan. 169 00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:53,696 What's the problem? I was gyrating with the sensible rhythm of the Dave Clark Five... 170 00:08:53,799 --> 00:08:55,699 and talking about my amazing dad. 171 00:08:55,801 --> 00:09:00,397 Yeah, about your amazing dad. I still can't believe you kept this from me. 172 00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:03,441 - But he said not to tell. - But I'm your wife! 173 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,239 And he's my dad! That's nature's wife. 174 00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:10,247 Don't you get it, Francine? The whole reason I joined the C.I.A. Was to be like him. 175 00:09:10,349 --> 00:09:13,512 What kind of man abandons his family for 20 years? 176 00:09:13,619 --> 00:09:15,519 Only the manliest man in the world. 177 00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:18,681 Honestly, you should be having sex with him right now. He'd do you right. 178 00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:21,191 You want me to go get him? I don't think he's asleep. 179 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:24,127 You know, Stan, not everyone thinks he's as wonderful as you do. 180 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,562 Jack is so wonderful. 181 00:09:26,666 --> 00:09:28,896 How many push-ups do you think he can do? 182 00:09:29,001 --> 00:09:30,901 'Cause I think he can do a hundred. 183 00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:34,234 Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather? 184 00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:38,401 No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me? 185 00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:41,412 [Beeping, Dings] 186 00:09:42,815 --> 00:09:46,046 Well done, kiddo. Fine "killingsmanship." 187 00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:48,450 Really, Dad? Gosh, thanks. 188 00:09:48,554 --> 00:09:50,988 Stan, it's time I told you the truth. 189 00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:53,786 I didn't come to town just to see my grandchildren. 190 00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:56,361 The fact is I'm retiring. 191 00:09:56,462 --> 00:10:00,455 Dad, no! You can't! So many people will be left unkilled. 192 00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:04,400 Ah, that's where you come in. I want you to take my place. 193 00:10:04,503 --> 00:10:07,529 No? Join the Scarlet Alliance? Really? 194 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,665 I have one last mission... 195 00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:13,609 and if you help me make it a success, the job is yours. 196 00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:15,613 - Whoo-hoo! - [Firing Gun] 197 00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:20,379 Ah, who will finish my masterpiece now? 198 00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:26,981 - You quit the C.I.A.? - That's right. 199 00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:30,392 I have a chance to join the Scarlet Alliance! 200 00:10:30,496 --> 00:10:34,023 A chance? You don't even have the job yet? 201 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,966 - What about your family? - Francine, this is my dream. 202 00:10:37,069 --> 00:10:39,731 My life will finally be rich with adventure. 203 00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:42,205 Oh, adventure. Hold on. 204 00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:46,472 Hello, MasterCard? Do you accept payment in the form of adventure? 205 00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:50,015 - But- - Hello, colleges? I'd like to pay my son's tuition. 206 00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:54,143 I don't have any money, but my husband is rich in adventure! 207 00:10:54,253 --> 00:10:56,346 Well, what'd they say? 208 00:10:57,923 --> 00:11:01,188 Okay, these are blueprints of the National Gallery of Art. 209 00:11:01,293 --> 00:11:05,593 Finally, all-out war against artists! I've longed for this day. 210 00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:09,930 No, Stan. Terrorists have smuggled uranium in a shipment of Egyptian artwork. 211 00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:11,936 Terrorists? You mean Al-Qaeda? 212 00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:16,168 Al-Qaeda? Please! Al-Qaeda wishes they could cater these guys' parties. 213 00:11:16,275 --> 00:11:19,574 We have to break into the museum and get the uranium before they do. 214 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:23,080 No! It's too dangerous! You and I could be so happy together. 215 00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,707 - What? - I said, "Cheez-It?" 216 00:11:28,487 --> 00:11:30,387 [Doorbell Rings] 217 00:11:30,489 --> 00:11:32,457 Hello. Are you from a religion? 218 00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:34,719 Because we're happy with the god we have now. 219 00:11:34,827 --> 00:11:36,727 No, ma'am. We're from the F.B.I. 220 00:11:36,829 --> 00:11:39,730 We're on the trail of a jewel thief who may be in this area. 221 00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:43,928 Have you seen a man about 6'2", 65 years old, sometimes leaps from a helicopter? 222 00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:46,630 - Yes. - Salty demeanor. Wears a turtleneck. 223 00:11:46,739 --> 00:11:49,333 - Yes. - Is it this man? 224 00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:52,743 Oh, thank heavens! 225 00:11:52,845 --> 00:11:55,609 For a minute, I thought you were describing my father-in-law. 226 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,615 But he doesn't have a mustache. 227 00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:00,413 No mustache? Sorry to waste your time, ma'am. 228 00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:07,284 [Humming] 229 00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:12,161 Well, I'm sure it can't be- 230 00:12:12,264 --> 00:12:14,323 - [Gasps] - [Mustache Shatters] 231 00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:17,891 - You're a jewel thief! - Look, Dad! Look at me! 232 00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:20,164 You're not taking Stan on a mission! 233 00:12:20,272 --> 00:12:22,399 You're taking him on a jewel heist! 234 00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:25,807 Keep your pretty mouth shut, and everything'll be Punky Brewster. 235 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:30,007 - Dad, you're not looking! - Look, either you tell Stan the truth, or I will! 236 00:12:30,116 --> 00:12:32,243 All right, Francine. 237 00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:34,376 This won't be easy, but I'll tell him. 238 00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:37,354 First I'm gonna need a shot of Dutch courage. 239 00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:40,254 Hah! Straight to the brain! 240 00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,958 [Whining] Dad, you missed it! 241 00:12:46,532 --> 00:12:49,467 Gentlemen, I made out with a chick. 242 00:12:49,568 --> 00:12:52,128 - She's an older woman. - Yeah? How old? 243 00:12:52,238 --> 00:12:54,138 - She's 80! - [Both Spitting] 244 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,299 Dude, she's got wrinkles! 245 00:12:56,408 --> 00:12:59,104 So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet. 246 00:12:59,211 --> 00:13:03,272 Now, if you need me later on, check the Retirement Villa, Apartment 2C. 247 00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:05,850 I'll be PoliGripping third base. 248 00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:13,217 My dad told me everything. 249 00:13:13,325 --> 00:13:16,954 Oh, Stan, I'm so sorry. The truth hurts, but- 250 00:13:17,062 --> 00:13:19,826 - I know you're working for the other side, Francine! - What? 251 00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:23,129 - You're a spy! - Oh, please. That's so ridic- 252 00:13:23,235 --> 00:13:25,135 [Taser Zapping] 253 00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:28,138 - You're out of bourbon. - [Whining] Dad, you missed it. 254 00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:36,878 [Echoing] Stan, your father is lying to you! I am not a spy! 255 00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:39,143 - Dad told me you'd say that. - He's using you. 256 00:13:39,251 --> 00:13:42,186 - He's really a jewel thief. - Dad told me you'd say that too. 257 00:13:42,288 --> 00:13:44,415 He told me all about your master plan. 258 00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:48,425 I was destined for greatness until you tricked me into having this loving family... 259 00:13:48,527 --> 00:13:51,189 thus dooming me to a life of mediocrity. 260 00:13:51,297 --> 00:13:53,197 But no more, succubus! 261 00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:54,527 - Ready, Son? - Sure, Pop. 262 00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:56,533 Dad's taking me on a mission. 263 00:13:56,635 --> 00:13:59,399 But first we're stopping for cheeseburgers and milk shakes. Jealous? 264 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:02,531 Yeah, you are. You totally are. 265 00:14:05,110 --> 00:14:07,476 - Gretchen? Ready to party? - [Slow Big Band] 266 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,071 I brought us a sixer of Ensure. 267 00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:12,707 - Oh- Oh, just a minute. - [Record Scratches] 268 00:14:12,818 --> 00:14:15,116 - Hey, baby. - You're early. 269 00:14:15,221 --> 00:14:18,190 I was so excited, I couldn't keep away. 270 00:14:18,290 --> 00:14:23,387 That's funny. My friend Snot has a cut-off Wrangler jean vest just like that. 271 00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:31,803 How- How could you? 272 00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:34,236 Handsome, you've got to understand. 273 00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:36,501 I don't have long for this world. 274 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:38,975 Monogamy's for girls in their 60s. 275 00:14:39,078 --> 00:14:42,673 Don't try to apologize! From now on, there's a sign on our love... 276 00:14:42,781 --> 00:14:46,239 and that sign reads: "Do Not Resuscitate." 277 00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:48,252 [Sobbing] 278 00:14:48,354 --> 00:14:52,757 - [Pounding] - Please! Somebody! 279 00:14:52,858 --> 00:14:55,986 What the hell is this? Hang on. I'll get you out of there. 280 00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:58,256 Oh, Roger, thank God you're here. 281 00:14:58,364 --> 00:15:01,629 Jack convinced Stan I was a spy, so he locked me up. 282 00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,565 Wait. Jack said you're a spy? 283 00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:05,967 Yes! The man's a jewel thief, and he- 284 00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:10,007 Sorry. But ifTheJackhammer says you're a spy, that's good enough for me. 285 00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:12,236 - Roger, wait. No, don't- don't! - [Door Closes] 286 00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:21,783 You're a natural, boy, and you look fantastic in that turtleneck. 287 00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:23,946 Like a beardless Paul Mitchell. 288 00:15:24,056 --> 00:15:27,355 I can't believe I was married to a spy for 20 years. 289 00:15:27,459 --> 00:15:30,360 I'll never let a loved one fool me again! 290 00:15:30,462 --> 00:15:33,295 Now, Daddy, let's go get that uranium you told me about. 291 00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:40,830 Hey, are you two capering? We don't allow capering in here! 292 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,204 [Grunts] 293 00:15:43,309 --> 00:15:47,837 Point a flashlight at my dad, you terrorist-helping traitor! 294 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,541 [Woman's Voice] Dad, you're 76.Just retire. 295 00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:52,913 Mark and I would love for you to live with us. 296 00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:56,749 [Thinking] Well, I can't leave the museum, Sheila. They need me. 297 00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:59,187 [Sheila's Voice] But these are your golden years, Pop. 298 00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:01,521 You should be enjoying life with your family. 299 00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:04,357 [Thinking] Why, I never stopped enjoying it, Sheila. 300 00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:09,196 And in a way, those paintings are my family. 301 00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:12,327 Stan, that's enough. Let's get to the vault, Son. 302 00:16:12,438 --> 00:16:15,669 - [Speed-Dialing] - Sheila, I'm ready. 303 00:16:15,774 --> 00:16:19,266 Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman. 304 00:16:19,378 --> 00:16:21,778 Right. So we should pound on it for like two minutes? 305 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:25,839 No. You've gotta gently work the dials till she surrenders... 306 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,015 and opens. 307 00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:35,750 - [Buzzes] - All right, Dad! We're in! 308 00:16:37,296 --> 00:16:39,890 Now to find the hidden uranium. 309 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,160 Dad, how much time do we have to- 310 00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:45,930 - Oh, Jackie hit the big time! - Dad, what are you doing? 311 00:16:46,038 --> 00:16:50,737 I, uh- I'm- Here. Help me take these jewels back to the lab. 312 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,073 They may contain clues or the down payment... 313 00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:56,011 on a small island where I can swim and paint. 314 00:16:56,115 --> 00:16:59,846 Francine was right! You're-You're a thief! 315 00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:03,046 I can't believe it! I modeled my whole life after you! 316 00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:06,420 Which is perfect. Because now you can use those C.I.A. Skills... 317 00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:09,824 to fulfill your destiny by joining me. 318 00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:12,158 I can't believe you chose a life of crime... 319 00:17:12,264 --> 00:17:15,756 over the most precious jewel of all: A son's love. 320 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:18,496 Oh, hold on a second. Hello, French Riviera? 321 00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:21,539 Yes. Can I buy a château with my son's love? 322 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,540 Yes, yes, we all know the bit. 323 00:17:23,642 --> 00:17:26,475 But I'm not a criminal, and I'm not going with you. 324 00:17:26,578 --> 00:17:29,843 So I guess this is it. There's a security phone behind you. 325 00:17:29,948 --> 00:17:32,781 Go ahead. Turn in your old man. 326 00:17:34,686 --> 00:17:38,281 - [Clattering] - Sorry, Stan. I can't go to jail. 327 00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:41,757 Do you know what they'd do to my eye socket in there? 328 00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:43,828 Steve.! 329 00:17:43,929 --> 00:17:46,489 Just promise you'll treat her well. 330 00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:50,659 No. I was wrong. It's just you were bragging about your girlfriend... 331 00:17:50,769 --> 00:17:54,364 so I went to check her out, and, oh, come on, dude. 332 00:17:54,473 --> 00:17:57,306 - You know how sexy she is. - Yeah. 333 00:17:57,409 --> 00:18:00,105 Look, I know I made a big mistake. 334 00:18:00,212 --> 00:18:02,339 I just hope you can forgive me. 335 00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:07,010 Ah, Snot, let's just make sure we never let a woman come between us again. 336 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:09,246 Agreed. 337 00:18:09,354 --> 00:18:12,187 [Wheezing] 338 00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:16,093 - Ah! [Laughing] - [Laughing] 339 00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:21,422 Come on, Stan. Figure a way out of here. 340 00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:24,127 You can do this. You're not just a pencil pusher. 341 00:18:25,537 --> 00:18:27,334 That's it! 342 00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:31,637 Picasso, you've finally made yourself useful. 343 00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:35,775 - [Buzzes] - Yes! 344 00:18:35,881 --> 00:18:38,315 Wait. If I enjoy the scene of the crime now... 345 00:18:38,417 --> 00:18:41,545 I won't feel compelled to return to it later. 346 00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:47,783 Freeze, thief! [Gasps] You're smoking? 347 00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:57,828 - Huh? - Whoa, dude! 348 00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:16,846 Damn it! Back at the scene of the crime. 349 00:19:16,955 --> 00:19:19,856 Guess I couldn't help myself after all. 350 00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:22,984 You caught me. No one's ever caught me! 351 00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:25,120 Sorry, Dad, but it's over. 352 00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:29,223 I know. I also know I was a better liar than I was a father. 353 00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,393 And for that, I'm sorry. 354 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,495 Yeah, well, I guess everyone makes mistakes. 355 00:19:34,606 --> 00:19:36,506 Can't you just let me go, Son? 356 00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:39,907 After all, I let you go when you were just a baby. 357 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:44,210 All right. But the jewels stay with me, and this is your last robbery. 358 00:19:44,316 --> 00:19:47,843 You have my word. Good-bye, Son. 359 00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:51,286 Wait a second. Where are my keys? 360 00:19:51,390 --> 00:19:56,020 I swear on my grandchildren: This car is the last thing I ever steal! 361 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,028 [Tires Screech] 362 00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:02,093 [Tires Screech] 363 00:20:06,004 --> 00:20:10,031 Francine, you were right. My dad's a thief and a con artist. 364 00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:12,372 I'm just a sucker in an itchy turtleneck. 365 00:20:12,477 --> 00:20:15,071 And what I did to you- Go ahead. Punch me in the face. 366 00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:17,114 - I deserve it. - Oh, Stan. 367 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,207 Ow! I said punch, not lamp! 368 00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:23,220 That's for locking me in the basement without giving me any laundry to fold! 369 00:20:23,322 --> 00:20:25,984 - You know how I hate downtime! - Take pity on me. 370 00:20:26,091 --> 00:20:29,026 My whole, pathetic life's been based on a lie. 371 00:20:29,127 --> 00:20:31,391 I'm a nobody. Ow! Stop it! 372 00:20:31,496 --> 00:20:33,396 You're not a nobody! 373 00:20:33,498 --> 00:20:36,661 Stan, you don't have to be a super spy to be a hero... 374 00:20:36,768 --> 00:20:39,532 because you're a hero right here in your own home. 375 00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:42,004 - L- I am? - Yes. 376 00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:44,940 You're a better man than your dad could ever be. 377 00:20:45,043 --> 00:20:47,136 Ah, Francine, you're right. 378 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,146 I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. 379 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:52,513 - Not even Algeria. - Oh, Stan. 380 00:20:52,618 --> 00:20:56,554 - Oh, no. - Hey, have you guys seen Jack? 381 00:20:56,655 --> 00:20:58,748 No, Roger. Come on! Open this door! 382 00:20:58,857 --> 00:21:01,451 Yeah, I'm not really comfortable with that. 383 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:03,687 I'm gonna have to talk toJack first. 384 00:21:03,795 --> 00:21:06,787 - But he's not coming back. - He'll be back! You'll see! 385 00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:09,423 He'll send for me! 386 00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:12,435 [Stan] Francine, do you even like Roger? 387 00:21:12,537 --> 00:21:16,200 'Cause I'm thinking we may have done enough for him. 388 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,205 Bye. Have a great time. 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net