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American Dad
Episode 306
Iced, Iced Babies
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www.forom.com
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Synchronisation : Kemar
Transcript : Raceman
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I'm so glad you came over
for dinner, Debbie.
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Yes, terrific to have my son's girlfriend
gobbling up my family's precious food.
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Everything's so delicious.
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Mr. Smith, can you pass the potatoes?
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Ethically, I don't think I should.
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Mash-ed spuds for m'lady.
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It's so nice having you over, Debbie.
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Oh, honey, here, let me do that.
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Mom, I can cut my own steak.
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Oh, Debbie doesn't care.
I'm your mom, that's what moms do.
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Now open up.
Bernie Bee wants to find his flower.
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Is this his flower?
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Come on, Debbie. Let's go swab
the steak sauce out of my ear.
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It's so cute that Steve has
a little girlfriend.
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Well, don't tell Debbie about her
because she'll eat her.
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Is the coast clear? Good, I can join.
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I found this old New Yorker
in the bathroom,
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and there's a very interesting take
on T.S. Eliot's work.
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- It seems that...
- What does Steve see in Debbie?
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Maybe he's just gonna turn her
into condos.
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- Uh, excuse me!
- What?
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- Were you saying something?
- Spit out your cutesy quip and shuffle on.
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Is Roger doing a bit? Roger, start over.
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I was making a serious point!
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Why does nobody respect me?
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Roger, you're an uneducated alcoholic.
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You don't know anything except
QVC return policies.
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That's specialty, yes,
but I have a lot of smart opinions...
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Can it!
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You're the Adam Sandler of this house,
and nobody wants Punch Drunk Love.
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Just give us Waterboy.
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You ignorant cretins,
I'm more than just a clown!
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There we go. Dumb alien.
That's good material.
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You should be nicer to Debbie.
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If my Stevie likes her...
Ah, Stan, that's too tight!
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I know you don't want any more kids,
but do we have to go to these lengths?
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I don't like it any more than you do,
but just think...
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Soon we'll be able to mate worry-free!
You know, because you'll be menopausal.
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Your uterus will fall like Saigon.
And Steve was the last chopper out.
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Oh, I'll always have my little Stevie.
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Condoms, diaphragm,
can of sperm repellent.
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All right, foreplay.
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Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Is Steve ready to walk to school?
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Oh, Debbie.
Look, this is my breakfast.
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Steve'll be right down, honey.
Be nice.
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Just so we're clear.
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Is that a Tec P-11 nine millimeter?
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You... You know about guns?
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Yeah, I use my dad to shoot
the eyes out of squirrels.
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Good God, that's a tough shot!
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Your sight needs a tweak.
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- May I?
- Please!
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You know, you're all right, Big Stuff.
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- Hey, Debs.
- You kids have a good day at school.
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Here's your lunch, Steve.
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Oh, that's okay, Mom.
Debbie took care of it.
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- I'm sorry, what?
- Yeah, I made Steve's lunch today.
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But... that's impossible.
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Cucumber sandwich?!
Tight!
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You know, cucumbers are just
brineless pickles.
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I could have de-brined his pickles!
Who does that fat so think she is?!
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Oh, is Debbie a larger woman?
I hadn't noticed.
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I can't wait to enroll here!
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People are finally gonna take
me seriously.
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Don't they have college on your planet?
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Yeah, but if you're not Asian,
it's impossible to get in.
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Hey, Ethan.
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God, Ethan is so hot.
And he completely ignores me.
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- It makes him so much hotter.
- What are you talking about?
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He totally ignored me,
and I don't think he's hot at ah...
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Now I see it. Now I'm seeing it.
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Oh, what do you have there, honey?
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I'm making a scrapbook of me and Debbie.
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Let me move these flowers
so you have more light.
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Mom!
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Oh, I'm sure that'll come right out.
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There, she's gone.
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I mean, the stain.
I call the stain as she. Like a ship.
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Anyway, it's been a while, so...
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I was thinking tonight we could see
who can do the best pretend elephant.
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Beat that!
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Actually, I'm going over to
Debbie's tonight.
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Oh, um, Steve, Mommy's not...
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feeling well.
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Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
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- Mommy's dying!
- Ha, you're funny!
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Not as funny as Debbie.
She cracks me up.
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Debbie.
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Francine, what are you doing here?
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This isn't home.
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I just wanted to bring you
and the boys some cookies.
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Is that a dead squirrel?
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Yeah, Debbie made me a desk caddie.
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Look, I can sharpen my pencil.
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Great gal. Plus she's fast-tracking
our boy to manhood.
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Yeah.
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So, I'd like to reward the guys
fighting the drug war.
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Where's the drug room?
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I don't have any drugs!
I-I'm totally clean!
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Do you expect me to take your word
over that of an anonymous tipster?
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Pure Peruvian marching powder.
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Grown on the Andes, north slope.
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I'd say it's about 80% baby laxative.
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Yup, this junk means only one thing...
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Esteban Mortilla is back in business.
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Principal Lewis, those drugs aren't mine!
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Then explain this!
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Smith, you're suspended.
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And tell Esteban that
El Lobo Negron sends his regards.
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Hey, Ethan. Don't you love literature?
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It's so uninhibited.
Like me after a couple beers.
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- Hmm.
- Good afternoon, everyone.
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I'm Professor Guggenheim.
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Wait, is there another "G"?
Or is it..
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I'm Professor Baxter. And you'll be
respecting me this semester.
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- What are you doing?
- I went to talk to the dean,
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one lie led to another,
and he asked me to teach this class.
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- You can't teach!
- Quiet, please!
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You may have thought this class
was about literature.
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You were wrong. This class is about life!
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Electric word, life. It means forever,
and that's a mighty long time.
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But I'm here to tell you,
there's something else...
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my office hours :
They're Tuesday from 1:00 to 3:00.
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Steve, you were right to call Mommy.
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Don't worry about being suspended.
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From now on,
you'll just stay home with me.
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- I know you set me up, Mother.
- What?
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We can't keep doing this.
It isn't working, you and me.
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We've grown apart.
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Oh, God. The crowded restaurant,
so I wouldn't make a scene.
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- You're breaking up with me!
- We had a good run.
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Remember my fifth birthday?
Oh, and I had some great times suckling.
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- But it's time to move on.
- This isn't happening!
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You'll find someone new.
Maybe you'll get some cats.
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- This is all Debbie's fault!
- Let's be adults about this, Mom.
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I'd-I'd like the key to my bike lock.
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- Just take it!
- We'll see each other around the house.
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- And we'll still be friends.
- Oh, sure, friends!
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I don't need any more friends, Steven!
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- Can I take your order, honey?
- Oh, hey, Gladys. I, um...
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yeah, wanted to talk to you, too.
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There's another coffee shop.
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Cows have calves, birds have chicks.
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And everyone has a mom.
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I used to watch this show with Steve,
but now he's left me,
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and look how old Maria's gotten!
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Francine, why not just replace Steve?
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You know, have another baby.
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Stan would never go for another kid.
His mind is made up.
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It's not his mind you need.
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What the...?
Rape! Succubus!
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- Francine, what are you doing?!
- I was being spontaneous.
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Look at the calendar!
This isn't one of our safe days.
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That means there's something else
going on in your woman-theater,
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and I do not perform with another act!
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Stan, I've been thinking. Maybe it would
be okay if we had another baby.
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Are you mad, woman?
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Once the kids are out of the house,
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you'll lead the carefree life
of a barren spinster!
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Except your nights will be filled with
unsheathed, unwrapped pounding.
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- Stan, I want another baby.
- Forget it.
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You'll stay off my man-zone
until you're in hot flashes!
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You better sleep with one eye open, Stan.
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I'll do whatever it takes.
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Whatever it takes.
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Huh, that doesn't hurt half
as bad as I thought it.
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Quick, wash it off between your legs!
No! Wait!
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Nice try.
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You must plunge into the pool of life!
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But ask yourself, will you jackknife
or cannonball?
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- Wow, he's so smart.
- I think cannonball.
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Did you see that, Hayley?
They respect me.
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Roger, your lecture today was just
a bunch of idealistic nonsense!
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Oh, really? You just earned yourself
a week of detention!
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There's no detention in college.
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Oh. Right.
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Well, then, I'm taking away
50 points from Gryffindor!
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Oh, sorry. I'm-I'm interrupting.
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No, just a lively exchange of ideas.
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I-I just wanted to tell you how
inspiring you are, Professor.
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It's like I've been asleep my whole life,
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and now I'm finally awake.
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Oh, I'm awake, too! Totally awake.
It's like I'm on crank, I'm so awake!
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Exactly!
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You want to get some coffee
and talk about Professor Baxter's ideas?
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Sounds great!
Later, Professor.
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I pretend to teach them,
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00:10:21,085 --> 00:10:24,230
but it's really they who pretend
to teach me.
192
00:10:34,448 --> 00:10:37,783
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193
00:10:37,787 --> 00:10:40,150
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194
00:10:44,597 --> 00:10:47,473
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195
00:10:47,478 --> 00:10:50,492
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196
00:10:50,588 --> 00:10:55,102
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197
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198
00:10:57,906 --> 00:10:59,880
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199
00:10:59,887 --> 00:11:03,092
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200
00:11:03,098 --> 00:11:05,390
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201
00:11:05,448 --> 00:11:07,831
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202
00:11:07,837 --> 00:11:10,012
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203
00:11:10,018 --> 00:11:12,450
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204
00:11:12,455 --> 00:11:14,710
Would you like to save
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205
00:11:14,718 --> 00:11:17,282
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206
00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:20,162
Please use good time magazines.
207
00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:23,052
No need.
208
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:27,140
I already banked plenty of sperm before
a dangerous mission back in the '80s.
209
00:11:27,146 --> 00:11:31,202
There's a vial of proto-Smiths at the
government storage center outside D.C.
210
00:11:31,207 --> 00:11:36,542
Strong Reagan-era swimmers inspired by
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211
00:11:37,357 --> 00:11:41,061
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212
00:11:42,186 --> 00:11:44,521
Kindly enter for your vasectomy.
213
00:11:45,628 --> 00:11:48,071
So, where do I put my...
Oh, I see.
214
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,171
Wow, that's a snug fit.
215
00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:55,712
There a simple lesson to be
learned from...
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00:11:56,018 --> 00:11:59,170
whatever book I'm teaching you about,
and it's this :
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00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:00,731
follow your heart,
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and get rid of anything that stands
in the way of your dreams.
219
00:12:06,878 --> 00:12:10,853
All right, assignment, people.
Buy Moby Dick and tear it up.
220
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By Monday! I know some of you aren't
ripping up your homework like I asked.
221
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Don't complain to me when
you can't rip up your midterm.
222
00:12:18,208 --> 00:12:20,281
Roger, how'd you come up
with that lecture?
223
00:12:20,287 --> 00:12:22,713
Ah, I just stitched together
a little Mr. Holland,
224
00:12:22,718 --> 00:12:25,181
a little Dead Poets,
and the rest are just lies.
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00:12:25,208 --> 00:12:27,282
Well, keep up that
"follow your heart" crap.
226
00:12:27,286 --> 00:12:28,872
I think Ethan's really loosening up.
227
00:12:28,878 --> 00:12:32,631
Professor, I was wondering if you'd like
to come to dinner at my home.
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00:12:32,635 --> 00:12:34,963
Hayley, you should join us, too.
229
00:12:35,368 --> 00:12:38,212
Hayley, just so we're clear,
you're only coming because
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00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:40,820
you got caught in the gravity
of my invite.
231
00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:44,062
I was so invited that he
invited everything around it.
232
00:12:49,047 --> 00:12:50,903
Oh, uh, hey.
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- Didn't expect to see you here.
- The kitchen?
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00:12:54,108 --> 00:12:57,881
Look, I really don't want to get into
this right now. Come on, Debbie.
235
00:12:58,875 --> 00:13:03,632
You, um, you look good.
Say hi to your folks for me.
236
00:13:03,638 --> 00:13:05,841
She looks awful.
237
00:13:06,147 --> 00:13:09,071
Francine, I thought about what
you said about having a baby.
238
00:13:09,075 --> 00:13:12,093
You're right and I'm wrong and
there is nothing suspicious about that.
239
00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:13,920
Oh, Stan.
240
00:13:42,595 --> 00:13:45,672
Still no baby. I don't understand.
241
00:13:45,675 --> 00:13:49,591
- I guess we just need to keep trying.
- That's the spirit, soldier.
242
00:13:49,607 --> 00:13:53,152
Tell you what. I'm gonna take a shower.
Then, we'll recharge with frozen yogurt.
243
00:13:53,168 --> 00:13:55,023
Oh, I think we have a coupon.
244
00:13:55,027 --> 00:13:57,850
There you go.
Now you're holding up your hand.
245
00:13:59,546 --> 00:14:01,860
Let's see. Y's.
246
00:14:04,047 --> 00:14:05,772
Vasectomy?
247
00:14:09,748 --> 00:14:11,722
Professor, Hayley.
248
00:14:12,127 --> 00:14:13,961
Shrimp Grilled puff?
249
00:14:16,267 --> 00:14:20,793
Oh, Ethan, you should be a professor...
of food.
250
00:14:20,796 --> 00:14:25,251
Thanks. I've always wanted to cook,
but my father never supported me.
251
00:14:25,256 --> 00:14:27,151
But now you've inspire me.
252
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:30,772
That's why I became a professor, Ethan.
To inspire people.
253
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:33,030
Inspire them to respect me.
254
00:14:33,297 --> 00:14:37,042
Oh, and you know how you told us
to make a change for the better?
255
00:14:37,045 --> 00:14:38,850
Well, I took your advice...
256
00:14:38,857 --> 00:14:42,162
and stabbed my father 38 times!
257
00:14:46,546 --> 00:14:48,693
Daddy, Daddy!
258
00:14:52,708 --> 00:14:55,491
Not eating isn't going to bring him back.
259
00:14:57,496 --> 00:15:00,122
Hey, after yogurt, let's try the reverse
pull dog again.
260
00:15:00,128 --> 00:15:03,480
- I think you just have to punch me harder.
- You had a vasectomy?!
261
00:15:03,605 --> 00:15:06,960
Look, I know you're mad, but I'm sliced.
There's nothing we can do.
262
00:15:06,966 --> 00:15:08,942
How about some angry no-baby sex?
263
00:15:08,946 --> 00:15:11,153
Oh, there's something I can do.
264
00:15:11,157 --> 00:15:14,523
Your Japanese friends told me
about your banked sperm.
265
00:15:14,975 --> 00:15:15,932
Kichiro!
266
00:15:15,936 --> 00:15:18,770
I know about the government
storage center, Stan.
267
00:15:18,777 --> 00:15:22,422
- I'm having a baby.
- No... My eyes!
268
00:15:23,625 --> 00:15:25,940
My mouth! My back!
269
00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:28,050
My begonia!
270
00:15:28,876 --> 00:15:30,571
"My Sharona"!
271
00:15:30,615 --> 00:15:33,433
- Marry me?
- My Best Friend's Wedding!
272
00:15:33,435 --> 00:15:35,141
Oh, my eyes again!
273
00:15:42,227 --> 00:15:43,830
Francine, stop this!
274
00:15:43,838 --> 00:15:47,243
If you won't give me a baby,
I'm going to get one myself!
275
00:15:48,837 --> 00:15:53,052
Moonlight becomes you.
276
00:15:53,056 --> 00:15:57,113
I'm thrilled at the sight
277
00:15:57,188 --> 00:16:01,591
And I could get so romantic
278
00:16:01,655 --> 00:16:03,851
tonight.
279
00:16:05,625 --> 00:16:08,362
Roger, tell him we want to
get the hell out of here!
280
00:16:08,366 --> 00:16:12,770
Ethan, it's been a lovely evening, but
I have a faculty meeting in the morning.
281
00:16:12,778 --> 00:16:15,852
No, you can't leave. We need
to seize the day, like you said,
282
00:16:15,855 --> 00:16:18,321
and if we don't, then life
isn't worth living...
283
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:19,833
for any of us.
284
00:16:20,148 --> 00:16:21,740
I'll go get Pictionary.
285
00:16:22,576 --> 00:16:24,571
Let's just make a run for it.
286
00:16:27,475 --> 00:16:29,592
Oh, finally, my ear popped.
287
00:16:31,986 --> 00:16:35,833
Why aren't these labeled?
I won't know whose sperm I'm getting.
288
00:16:35,835 --> 00:16:37,992
It's like I blacked out at a frat house.
289
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:39,512
Give it up, Francine.
290
00:16:39,516 --> 00:16:43,073
Ever since I first became a father,
I've dreamed of being done with kids,
291
00:16:43,076 --> 00:16:44,680
and I won't let you ruin that.
292
00:16:44,688 --> 00:16:49,042
Well, I am not going to let my husband
stand in the way of me getting pregnant.
293
00:16:50,596 --> 00:16:54,133
- Ha, ha, you missed.
- Oh, I didn't miss.
294
00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:58,183
Oh, sweet merciful Heaven.
295
00:17:00,458 --> 00:17:04,033
Ugh, I feel like Tara Reid on
an average Tuesday!
296
00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:06,462
Wait a second.
297
00:17:09,215 --> 00:17:13,353
Milk.
Well, that's much less disgusting.
298
00:17:18,187 --> 00:17:20,583
Let's see... "S."
299
00:17:21,286 --> 00:17:25,101
Reagan, Rove, Rumsfeld.
Reno?
300
00:17:25,115 --> 00:17:29,013
- Janet Reno? That goes over here.
- Looking for this?
301
00:17:29,065 --> 00:17:33,273
Remember me, fellas? I'm sure
you'd all make fine Stan Juniors,
302
00:17:33,277 --> 00:17:37,380
but I can't be running around and making
you grilled cheese for the next 18 years.
303
00:17:37,388 --> 00:17:38,832
Stan, don't!
304
00:17:39,566 --> 00:17:41,930
I've got a turkey baster and...
305
00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:44,993
- George Stephanopoulos.
- You wouldn't.
306
00:17:44,998 --> 00:17:48,120
Oh, I would.
You want that, Stan?
307
00:17:48,127 --> 00:17:51,380
A house full of liberal
Greek midget babies?
308
00:17:51,385 --> 00:17:55,630
Francine, he has the third-rated Sunday
talk show. He loses to Bob Schieffer.
309
00:17:55,637 --> 00:17:58,283
I don't care! I want to be a mom again.
310
00:17:58,505 --> 00:18:01,320
All right, all right, you win.
311
00:18:01,478 --> 00:18:03,503
Here, take my baby gravy.
312
00:18:03,996 --> 00:18:08,582
But you don't need it, Francine. You're
already a mother and you always will be.
313
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:09,732
Look.
314
00:18:13,698 --> 00:18:16,150
Kids are supposed to leave you.
315
00:18:16,168 --> 00:18:19,751
It means you did a great job.
It means you prepared them for the world.
316
00:18:19,755 --> 00:18:22,100
I just thought you should know that.
317
00:18:26,385 --> 00:18:29,780
Why am I doing this? I am a mother,
318
00:18:29,788 --> 00:18:33,163
a great mother,
and our kids are the proof.
319
00:18:33,165 --> 00:18:34,923
Oh, Stan.
320
00:18:38,036 --> 00:18:41,941
Hey, is, is, is it, is it a car?
It's, uh, it's some kind of car?
321
00:18:41,947 --> 00:18:46,690
- Please, God, let it be a car.
- Uh, uh, uh, a truck, a van, a car...
322
00:18:46,695 --> 00:18:48,952
It's, uh...
I don't know what it is!
323
00:18:50,265 --> 00:18:53,410
It was a boat!
We're not seizing the day at all.
324
00:18:53,817 --> 00:18:56,702
You know what would really
be seizing the moment?
325
00:18:56,705 --> 00:18:59,781
If you and Hayley made out in
the closet next to a dead guy.
326
00:18:59,786 --> 00:19:03,781
Yeah, that'd be great.
It's like life and death or something.
327
00:19:03,787 --> 00:19:05,113
What are you doing?
328
00:19:05,116 --> 00:19:07,923
Don't worry, I totally have a plan
to get me out of here.
329
00:19:07,925 --> 00:19:09,751
You know what would be even better,
Ethan?
330
00:19:09,758 --> 00:19:13,283
If you went into the closet with
Professor Baxter and talked about ideas.
331
00:19:13,288 --> 00:19:14,760
Oh, that is better.
332
00:19:14,766 --> 00:19:16,372
No, no, no, it's not any better.
333
00:19:16,377 --> 00:19:19,851
I-I don't have any ideas.
I'm not even a real professor!
334
00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:21,731
What? You're not?
335
00:19:22,246 --> 00:19:23,391
No.
336
00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:27,883
Ethan, I wanted people to think
I was smart,
337
00:19:27,887 --> 00:19:31,162
- but I'm an idiot.
- I looked up to you.
338
00:19:31,167 --> 00:19:33,212
I-I listened to your every word.
339
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:35,492
Huge mistake, very bad idea.
340
00:19:35,498 --> 00:19:37,771
I'm just a clumsy oaf who likes to nap,
341
00:19:37,775 --> 00:19:40,341
eat Nutter Butters,
and watch bad television.
342
00:19:40,607 --> 00:19:43,571
And you know what?
That's what I'm best at.
343
00:19:43,575 --> 00:19:45,001
I don't need respect.
344
00:19:45,008 --> 00:19:47,271
You know, I'm going to quit trying
to do The Majestic
345
00:19:47,275 --> 00:19:49,241
and just go back to Ace Ventura.
346
00:19:50,528 --> 00:19:55,703
- I killed my dad because of you.
- Hey, guy, don't be down.
347
00:19:55,708 --> 00:19:58,450
I know it looks rough right now, but...
Oh!
348
00:19:58,705 --> 00:20:01,461
What's this? Is this a nickel?
349
00:20:01,717 --> 00:20:03,242
Here, you keep that.
350
00:20:03,677 --> 00:20:05,022
So, we're gonna go.
351
00:20:05,025 --> 00:20:07,880
Uh, you'll probably want to put your
pants on for when the police come.
352
00:20:07,887 --> 00:20:09,880
I believe they're still in the microwave.
353
00:20:10,416 --> 00:20:13,161
Oh, and Hayley thinks you're totally cute.
354
00:20:19,516 --> 00:20:21,591
Mom, you're home!
355
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,770
Oh, Stevie, what's the matter?
356
00:20:23,775 --> 00:20:25,732
Debbie broke up with me!
357
00:20:25,827 --> 00:20:28,761
Oh, Steve, Mommy's here, honey.
358
00:20:28,765 --> 00:20:31,712
Francine, remember the cow.
359
00:20:32,196 --> 00:20:35,932
Steve, you're a big boy.
You're going to be fine.
360
00:20:37,835 --> 00:20:40,443
Oh, Steve, come back to Mommy.
361
00:20:40,447 --> 00:20:42,470
- I'm all you have.
- What?
362
00:20:42,476 --> 00:20:45,801
Well, no girl will ever love you
as much as Mommy.
363
00:20:45,805 --> 00:20:47,663
They... they won't?
364
00:20:47,665 --> 00:20:51,841
Oh, heavens, no.
Even Debbie didn't find you attractive.
365
00:20:51,845 --> 00:20:55,200
- She didn't?
- No, not even a little.
366
00:20:55,208 --> 00:20:57,182
As a woman, I could tell.
367
00:20:59,336 --> 00:21:01,743
- Oh, Mama!
- That's okay.
368
00:21:01,917 --> 00:21:06,320
You can stay right here at home.
With Mommy.
369
00:21:06,717 --> 00:21:08,010
Forever.
370
00:21:08,307 --> 00:21:10,892
Synchronisation : Kemar
Transcript : Raceman
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