1 00:00:02,254 --> 00:00:05,377 Good morning, USA! 2 00:00:05,805 --> 00:00:08,892 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day. 3 00:00:09,428 --> 00:00:12,088 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face. 4 00:00:12,315 --> 00:00:15,431 And he's shining a salute to the American race. 5 00:00:18,848 --> 00:00:21,290 Oh, boy, it's swell to say. 6 00:00:22,099 --> 00:00:24,752 Good morning, USA! 7 00:00:27,362 --> 00:00:29,438 Good morning, USA! 8 00:00:32,282 --> 00:00:35,000 And so we say good-bye to Walter Ellis 9 00:00:35,502 --> 00:00:38,021 Good old five-foot-11 Walter. 10 00:00:38,186 --> 00:00:40,000 Who could forget his, um... 11 00:00:40,694 --> 00:00:45,588 blue eyes and brown hair and some kind of striped shirt 12 00:00:45,769 --> 00:00:47,468 with maybe something written on it? 13 00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:48,543 This is ridiculous. 14 00:00:48,589 --> 00:00:50,093 Even Father Donovan can't remember 15 00:00:50,236 --> 00:00:51,470 who this poor schlub was. 16 00:00:51,745 --> 00:00:53,740 You will be respectful in the house of the Lord! 17 00:00:54,048 --> 00:00:54,673 Look at Steve. 18 00:00:54,785 --> 00:00:57,751 He's a good Christian child: mouth shut, nose in the Bible. 19 00:00:57,785 --> 00:00:59,571 - Oh, really? - Of course. 20 00:00:59,758 --> 00:01:01,690 He's reading the glorious passage where 21 00:01:01,737 --> 00:01:05,433 Dumbledore makes the candles float in the cafeteria. 22 00:01:06,216 --> 00:01:07,923 Ah! Deuteronomy. 23 00:01:08,306 --> 00:01:12,012 And so, we'll certainly miss our dear old friend Walter, 24 00:01:12,355 --> 00:01:15,822 who was also qualified to ride a motorcycle. 25 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:18,001 - Amen. - Amen. 26 00:01:18,768 --> 00:01:20,270 Now let's raffle off his stuff! 27 00:01:21,035 --> 00:01:23,703 First up, some kind of crappy little paddle boat. 28 00:01:23,718 --> 00:01:25,392 Oh, I totally want that. 29 00:01:25,975 --> 00:01:27,783 Dear Lord, please make my ticket the winner. 30 00:01:28,316 --> 00:01:29,553 Oh, and now you'll win? 31 00:01:29,848 --> 00:01:32,432 Even if there was a God, I doubt he'd run the universe 32 00:01:32,488 --> 00:01:34,512 like a vending machine, where you put in a prayer 33 00:01:34,735 --> 00:01:35,543 and out pops... 34 00:01:35,577 --> 00:01:36,973 641! 35 00:01:37,006 --> 00:01:38,473 Yes! Thank you, Jesus! 36 00:01:39,095 --> 00:01:40,212 God is my copilot, 37 00:01:40,375 --> 00:01:42,713 and the Virgin Mary is my hot stewardess. 38 00:01:42,995 --> 00:01:44,873 Ding! More nuts, Mary! 39 00:01:47,727 --> 00:01:48,523 Don't worry, Francine. 40 00:01:48,568 --> 00:01:50,942 I'm not a millionaire. 41 00:01:50,988 --> 00:01:52,253 I'm just taking my paddleboat 42 00:01:52,567 --> 00:01:54,830 out on her maiden voyage, and you're coming with me! 43 00:01:55,045 --> 00:01:57,641 Oh, I would, Stan, but Linda and I 44 00:01:57,765 --> 00:01:59,773 are going to the mall to watch Mexican babies 45 00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:01,211 get their ears pierced. 46 00:02:01,245 --> 00:02:02,943 Fine. How about it, Steve? 47 00:02:02,985 --> 00:02:05,011 Sorry. Steve and I are going to the carnival. 48 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,093 I'm going to get drunk and make out with the deaf girl 49 00:02:07,288 --> 00:02:08,742 who runs the Tilt-A-Whirl. 50 00:02:09,038 --> 00:02:10,903 She'll reject me, but, for the rest of my life, 51 00:02:11,057 --> 00:02:13,991 carnivals will always have a sad magic about them. 52 00:02:14,546 --> 00:02:18,061 Hmm. Sad magic. If anybody ever writes a book 53 00:02:18,195 --> 00:02:20,090 about Doug H that's pretty much your title. 54 00:02:20,396 --> 00:02:21,870 All right, Hayley, I guess it's you and... 55 00:02:21,985 --> 00:02:22,220 No. 56 00:02:22,537 --> 00:02:23,451 Fine. Then I'll call a friend. 57 00:02:24,006 --> 00:02:25,730 ll just open up my address book... 58 00:02:29,036 --> 00:02:31,780 Oh, my God! Stan has no friends! 59 00:02:31,856 --> 00:02:33,050 And he didn't even realize! 60 00:02:33,338 --> 00:02:35,401 He's like "America: the Guy!" 61 00:02:35,465 --> 00:02:37,530 What are you talking about? Of course I have friends. 62 00:02:37,776 --> 00:02:41,743 Stan, honey, you, you, you, you, you,you, you... you don't. 63 00:02:41,775 --> 00:02:44,030 But I... I gotta have friends. 64 00:02:44,337 --> 00:02:46,243 Even child molesters have friends. 65 00:02:46,285 --> 00:02:48,671 I mean, they're usually other child molesters, 66 00:02:48,717 --> 00:02:51,070 but, you know, they go to lunch and stuff. 67 00:02:51,708 --> 00:02:54,853 Well, look at that. The mosquito will be your friend. 68 00:02:54,855 --> 00:02:56,953 As long as you stand your private life 69 00:02:56,995 --> 00:02:57,980 in avoid cedar.? 70 00:02:58,016 --> 00:02:59,720 Francine, how can this be true? 71 00:02:59,755 --> 00:03:01,430 What the hell's wrong with me? 72 00:03:01,465 --> 00:03:02,611 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! 73 00:03:02,655 --> 00:03:05,622 Well, for starters, you're an intolerant, judgmental extremist. 74 00:03:05,656 --> 00:03:06,541 Wait a minute. 75 00:03:06,577 --> 00:03:09,112 Of course I have a friend: my boss! 76 00:03:09,396 --> 00:03:11,093 And I'm going to go see him right now. 77 00:03:13,137 --> 00:03:15,951 Sorry. I was only half paying attention to all that. 78 00:03:15,986 --> 00:03:17,170 Is Dad a millionaire? 79 00:03:21,978 --> 00:03:22,922 Yes? 80 00:03:22,947 --> 00:03:24,270 It's Smith, sir. 81 00:03:24,307 --> 00:03:26,243 I thought, after working together all these years, 82 00:03:26,287 --> 00:03:27,850 you might like to hang out. 83 00:03:28,307 --> 00:03:30,782 Senor Bullock no here. 84 00:03:30,815 --> 00:03:33,252 Go away or I keel you! 85 00:03:33,476 --> 00:03:36,252 Sir, I can actually see you through the window. 86 00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:52,383 You spent all your money trying to win a hat with antlers? 87 00:03:52,426 --> 00:03:54,621 I do not choose to discuss it. 88 00:03:54,656 --> 00:03:56,280 I see a very lucky boy. 89 00:03:56,328 --> 00:03:57,732 Wow! Really? 90 00:03:57,777 --> 00:03:59,172 Will you tell my fortune? 91 00:03:59,375 --> 00:04:01,543 Steve, before she tells you your future, 92 00:04:01,576 --> 00:04:02,932 let me tell you her past: 93 00:04:02,975 --> 00:04:06,512 40 years of alcoholism and three doctor-less abortions. 94 00:04:06,555 --> 00:04:09,843 You are a sad, angry little person. 95 00:04:10,145 --> 00:04:11,431 That's uncanny! 96 00:04:11,477 --> 00:04:13,103 What would you like to know? 97 00:04:13,308 --> 00:04:14,853 Um... I don't know. 98 00:04:14,898 --> 00:04:17,601 I guess just if there's anything special about me, or... 99 00:04:17,645 --> 00:04:20,921 Yes! You are special! I... I see it! 100 00:04:20,926 --> 00:04:21,923 Wow! 101 00:04:21,947 --> 00:04:24,452 Steve, she's just repeating what ever you say. 102 00:04:24,485 --> 00:04:27,223 You're just jealous because I'm special and you're not. 103 00:04:27,258 --> 00:04:29,140 You're boring and regular. 104 00:04:30,178 --> 00:04:34,873 Regular? Oh, Steven, I am going to hurt you so bad. 105 00:04:35,737 --> 00:04:37,541 I got a question about the future. 106 00:04:37,747 --> 00:04:40,113 Do you see yourself taking a shower ever? 107 00:04:41,987 --> 00:04:43,631 Dear Lord, if you're not too busy 108 00:04:43,678 --> 00:04:46,123 giving the guys at McDonald's new sandwich ideas, 109 00:04:46,168 --> 00:04:47,423 I wanted to ask you something. 110 00:04:47,728 --> 00:04:50,532 Am I a loser? 'Caure I don't have any friends. 111 00:04:50,585 --> 00:04:52,850 I mean, I just want someone 112 00:04:52,895 --> 00:04:54,540 who wants to hang out with me, you know? 113 00:04:54,656 --> 00:04:56,821 Someone I have something in common with. Someone who... 114 00:04:56,858 --> 00:04:59,470 Is that your Eager Beaver 350 out front? 115 00:04:59,776 --> 00:05:02,000 That paddle boatis a sweet machine. 116 00:05:07,046 --> 00:05:09,572 - Brett Morris. - Stan Smith. 117 00:05:09,596 --> 00:05:12,322 - So, you like paddle boats? - Damn right. 118 00:05:12,356 --> 00:05:14,560 I think it's 'cause they remind me of a simpler, 119 00:05:14,596 --> 00:05:16,770 better time when white maleshad all the power 120 00:05:16,806 --> 00:05:18,261 instead of just most of it. 121 00:05:18,305 --> 00:05:20,560 I know. I hate how whave most of the power. 122 00:05:20,598 --> 00:05:23,713 The problem is the liberals' generous social programs. 123 00:05:23,748 --> 00:05:26,831 Exactly! They've turned us into a nation of wimpy... 124 00:05:26,865 --> 00:05:27,762 Flag-burning... 125 00:05:27,807 --> 00:05:28,673 Foreigner-lovers! 126 00:06:02,697 --> 00:06:04,293 Oh, for God's sake! 127 00:06:09,568 --> 00:06:11,423 I was just taking a midnight stroll 128 00:06:11,457 --> 00:06:14,190 when I saw what looked like a magical owl fly by and... 129 00:06:14,228 --> 00:06:15,551 Oh! Look at that! 130 00:06:15,598 --> 00:06:17,930 It's right here, and it's carrying a letter! 131 00:06:19,726 --> 00:06:20,632 What does it say? 132 00:06:20,668 --> 00:06:24,451 It says I've been admitted to Hogwart's School Of Wizardry! 133 00:06:24,487 --> 00:06:26,901 The gypsy was right! I am special! 134 00:06:27,738 --> 00:06:30,842 And here I was thinking you were just a gullible idiot. 135 00:06:30,885 --> 00:06:32,851 - When will you start? - This Saturday. 136 00:06:32,895 --> 00:06:34,312 I'd better start packing. 137 00:06:35,868 --> 00:06:38,191 Who deserves a Milk Dud? 138 00:06:38,226 --> 00:06:40,042 You do. 139 00:06:47,087 --> 00:06:49,900 I think I'm gonna take some time off from the restaurant 140 00:06:49,945 --> 00:06:52,383 next monday and patrol the Canadian border 141 00:06:52,426 --> 00:06:54,870 for old people trying to get good inexpensive drugs. 142 00:06:54,916 --> 00:06:55,480 You in? 143 00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:58,360 Like a morally-justification little injection! 144 00:06:58,404 --> 00:07:00,278 Stan, I am so glad I met you. 145 00:07:00,309 --> 00:07:04,798 Most people just think I'm intolerant and judgmental, but you get me. 146 00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:06,063 And you get me. 147 00:07:06,519 --> 00:07:09,431 I guess that's why God, in his infinite and glorious wisdom, 148 00:07:09,475 --> 00:07:10,361 brought us together. 149 00:07:11,066 --> 00:07:12,290 Or whatever. 150 00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:13,441 What do you mean? 151 00:07:13,508 --> 00:07:16,071 - Well, I don't believe in God. - Huh? 152 00:07:18,257 --> 00:07:20,411 Stan? Stan, you okay? 153 00:07:21,355 --> 00:07:23,792 - Atheist! - Stan, relax. 154 00:07:23,958 --> 00:07:25,321 Why is this such a big deal? 155 00:07:25,366 --> 00:07:27,290 What? That you're a Godless heathen? 156 00:07:27,335 --> 00:07:29,231 But we're agreed about everythig else. 157 00:07:29,237 --> 00:07:32,040 We're both gun-loving, red meat-eating Republicans 158 00:07:32,075 --> 00:07:35,592 with a passion for paddleboats that sometimes borderson the erotic. 159 00:07:35,636 --> 00:07:38,320 And we're both Godless heathens. That's just you! 160 00:07:38,407 --> 00:07:39,880 Look, I'm sorry, Stan, 161 00:07:39,916 --> 00:07:42,872 but I've just never seen any reason to believe God exists. 162 00:07:42,918 --> 00:07:45,840 Okay, well, I can help you with that. Give me one second. 163 00:07:47,708 --> 00:07:49,672 Hey, fellas, how ya coming with that machine 164 00:07:49,707 --> 00:07:51,630 that beams an image of the Christian God 165 00:07:51,677 --> 00:07:53,050 directly into people's brains? 166 00:07:53,415 --> 00:07:56,152 Yeah, we're gonna have to call you back. 167 00:07:56,535 --> 00:07:58,371 Fine. I don't need science. 168 00:07:58,415 --> 00:08:00,440 That's exactly what I'm trying to disprove. 169 00:08:00,936 --> 00:08:04,031 I am about to show you irrefutable proof that God exists. 170 00:08:04,078 --> 00:08:07,133 Hey, whatever it takes to put this whole thing behind us. 171 00:08:11,777 --> 00:08:13,363 Just look at that sunset. 172 00:08:13,396 --> 00:08:17,302 If that's nothing but science, then why is it so damned romantic? 173 00:08:17,907 --> 00:08:19,772 Stan, please let go of my hand. 174 00:08:20,257 --> 00:08:21,321 I will not. 175 00:08:26,768 --> 00:08:29,041 The 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team? 176 00:08:29,117 --> 00:08:32,483 I mean, sure, they were under dogs, but that's not really a miracle. 177 00:08:32,518 --> 00:08:34,663 Not the team. Kurt Russell. 178 00:08:34,705 --> 00:08:37,551 He's been working steadily for 46 years. 179 00:08:37,595 --> 00:08:39,002 No lull. No lull! 180 00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:43,031 Now, that's a miracle. 181 00:08:43,067 --> 00:08:45,111 Well, birth is an amazing process, 182 00:08:45,148 --> 00:08:47,863 but it's completely explainable by natural laws. 183 00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:50,980 Okay, I'll give you that. But look at the vagina! 184 00:08:51,025 --> 00:08:53,973 Look at it stretch. It's so strong and resilient. 185 00:08:54,475 --> 00:08:56,883 That's what our troops should be wearing! 186 00:08:59,177 --> 00:09:00,563 Well, here we are. 187 00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:03,253 This is Hogwarts- the American campus. 188 00:09:03,296 --> 00:09:06,180 I know it doesn't look like much, but- 189 00:09:06,226 --> 00:09:08,433 Oh, you muggles! Cla spell at work here, 190 00:09:08,466 --> 00:09:10,601 hiding the true appearance of the school. 191 00:09:10,648 --> 00:09:12,782 You wouldn't understand how these things work. 192 00:09:14,526 --> 00:09:16,572 Why don't you go bang on the door real hard? 193 00:09:16,617 --> 00:09:17,872 Let them know you're here. 194 00:09:17,907 --> 00:09:20,770 Well, have fun with your regular, boring life, Roger. 195 00:09:20,806 --> 00:09:22,541 I've got magic to learn. 196 00:09:23,286 --> 00:09:25,742 Okay, Steve, how special are you gonna feel 197 00:09:25,776 --> 00:09:28,192 when some crack whore throws you off her porch? 198 00:09:29,827 --> 00:09:32,132 - You the new kid? - Yes, sir! 199 00:09:32,177 --> 00:09:34,611 The owl brought memy official letter of admission. 200 00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:36,392 Shut up! Get your ass in here. 201 00:09:36,435 --> 00:09:38,303 Oh, you're so strict! 202 00:09:38,335 --> 00:09:40,233 You'll probably turn out to be a good guy! 203 00:09:47,777 --> 00:09:49,751 Is he fighting invisible dementors? 204 00:09:49,785 --> 00:09:50,753 Shut up! 205 00:09:51,765 --> 00:09:52,973 Potions class! 206 00:09:53,015 --> 00:09:55,650 Did you get all this stuff from Professor Snape? 207 00:09:55,685 --> 00:09:58,291 You do not freakin' ask who we got this from! 208 00:09:59,078 --> 00:10:01,000 He Who Shall Not Be Named! 209 00:10:01,305 --> 00:10:03,352 This is Hoppy. He knows what to do. 210 00:10:03,397 --> 00:10:06,251 My potions partner! You're my Ron Weasley! 211 00:10:06,285 --> 00:10:07,471 Lavate las manos. 212 00:10:07,506 --> 00:10:08,622 Is that a spell? 213 00:10:08,656 --> 00:10:12,813 - Lavate las manos! - Lavate las manos. 214 00:10:12,848 --> 00:10:20,890 - Lavate las manos! - Lavate las manos! 215 00:10:25,717 --> 00:10:27,891 Breathe it in. Just smell it! 216 00:10:27,935 --> 00:10:30,360 This rotting whale proves God exists. 217 00:10:30,515 --> 00:10:32,480 For, even in death, it provides sustenance 218 00:10:32,516 --> 00:10:34,021 for the Lord's other creatures. 219 00:10:34,056 --> 00:10:35,792 And a pretend jail for me. 220 00:10:36,896 --> 00:10:38,011 Let me outta here! 221 00:10:38,778 --> 00:10:41,751 Squid-Face does horrible things to me after lights out! 222 00:10:42,565 --> 00:10:44,030 Unspeakable things. 223 00:10:44,355 --> 00:10:45,311 Enough, Stan! 224 00:10:45,357 --> 00:10:46,960 Why is this is such a big deal? 225 00:10:47,005 --> 00:10:49,442 Because, if I can't make you believe in God, 226 00:10:49,486 --> 00:10:50,603 then you won't go to heaven, 227 00:10:50,647 --> 00:10:52,862 and I want our friendship to last forever. 228 00:10:52,896 --> 00:10:54,611 Just picture it. 229 00:11:10,187 --> 00:11:11,232 Thank you, Stan. 230 00:11:11,275 --> 00:11:13,582 Thank you for proving to me that God exists 231 00:11:13,618 --> 00:11:16,013 so I can have this awesome after life. 232 00:11:16,095 --> 00:11:18,360 You're the best friend ever. 233 00:11:42,686 --> 00:11:47,061 But the only way it can happen is if you embrace God. 234 00:11:47,097 --> 00:11:49,570 Look, Stan, I like that you're close-minded. 235 00:11:49,617 --> 00:11:50,981 It's one of the things we share, 236 00:11:51,017 --> 00:11:53,391 but if you can't accept me for who I am, 237 00:11:53,438 --> 00:11:55,491 then this friendship is over! 238 00:11:56,096 --> 00:11:57,272 Brett, no! 239 00:11:57,307 --> 00:11:58,730 You gotta believe! 240 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:02,763 Wait! The Lord is my shepherd, but you're my ride home! 241 00:12:14,618 --> 00:12:18,362 I got your message that you needed meright now, poolside. 242 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,291 Oh, Father Donovan, right this way. 243 00:12:25,377 --> 00:12:28,330 Your husband is home and he's looking right at us. 244 00:12:28,378 --> 00:12:29,943 I- I know he's here. 245 00:12:29,975 --> 00:12:32,310 I called you over so you could talk to him. 246 00:12:32,965 --> 00:12:37,232 Next time maybe don't end your text message with a side ways smiley face. 247 00:12:37,267 --> 00:12:38,890 It's very misleading. 248 00:12:45,858 --> 00:12:46,503 What? 249 00:12:46,976 --> 00:12:48,913 I'm having a spiritual crisis. 250 00:12:48,948 --> 00:12:52,022 What do you do when your best friend doesn't believe in God? 251 00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:54,562 Well, Stan, we're hardly best friends. 252 00:12:54,605 --> 00:12:56,853 I tried everything to convince Brett 253 00:12:56,897 --> 00:12:59,111 that God exists, but nothing worked. 254 00:12:59,115 --> 00:13:01,972 Now he's going to burn in hell for all eternity. 255 00:13:02,018 --> 00:13:06,321 Oy! I am so sick of listening to everyone's problems. 256 00:13:06,367 --> 00:13:10,191 Why do people only come to me when their live sare in shambles? 257 00:13:11,307 --> 00:13:15,472 Of course! People turn to God in times of crisis. 258 00:13:15,515 --> 00:13:17,900 If I want to save Brett's immortal soul, 259 00:13:17,938 --> 00:13:20,293 all I have to do is destroy his life! 260 00:13:21,095 --> 00:13:21,933 Thanks, Father. 261 00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:28,070 So am I gonna see some jugs or am I wasting my time here? 262 00:13:32,168 --> 00:13:35,093 There a freaking pineapple embargo or what? 263 00:13:35,876 --> 00:13:39,222 Oh, hey, you're alive and probably pretty pissed. 264 00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:41,302 What the hell is that? 265 00:13:41,347 --> 00:13:43,562 It's $2,000 my professor gave me 266 00:13:43,605 --> 00:13:45,300 for doing a good job in potions class. 267 00:13:45,348 --> 00:13:48,633 Two, two grand? $2,000? $2,000? 268 00:13:48,666 --> 00:13:51,910 Yeah, you can have it if you want. 269 00:13:51,955 --> 00:13:55,132 It's muggle money. So, now why would I be pissed? 270 00:13:56,097 --> 00:14:00,260 You would be pissed if I forgot to give you this magic wand. 271 00:14:00,706 --> 00:14:02,801 Wow! It's so light! 272 00:14:02,845 --> 00:14:06,772 I- I can't tell if I'm leading it or it's leading me. 273 00:14:06,977 --> 00:14:08,933 Oh, is that another one? 274 00:14:08,936 --> 00:14:10,273 No, that's a chop stick. 275 00:14:10,957 --> 00:14:13,330 Look, I've been acting like a jackass. 276 00:14:13,567 --> 00:14:16,081 It was ridiculous of me to think we had to agree 277 00:14:16,118 --> 00:14:17,520 about every little thing. 278 00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:20,473 That's okay, Stan. I can't stay mad at you. 279 00:14:20,518 --> 00:14:21,953 That's such a relief. 280 00:14:21,988 --> 00:14:24,122 And as a token of my unconditional friendship, 281 00:14:24,157 --> 00:14:25,611 I wanna give you this. 282 00:14:26,818 --> 00:14:29,791 I hope you know I'd do anything to save this friendship... 283 00:14:30,195 --> 00:14:31,512 anything. 284 00:14:31,546 --> 00:14:33,613 Go ahead takea closer look. 285 00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:36,072 Closer... 286 00:14:41,356 --> 00:14:44,113 Wow, what an unexpected piece of adversity. 287 00:14:44,148 --> 00:14:46,233 - Are you okay? - Yeah, I think so. 288 00:14:46,268 --> 00:14:48,782 I'm just glad my wife and kids weren't home. 289 00:14:49,617 --> 00:14:52,891 Oh, yeah. Wow, that, that was lucky. 290 00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:55,840 I can't believe this. It's completely destroyed. 291 00:14:55,887 --> 00:14:57,933 You know, it's times like this, 292 00:14:57,966 --> 00:14:59,943 I'm glad I've got God to turn to. 293 00:14:59,978 --> 00:15:03,712 Yeah, it's times like this, I'm glad I've got home owner's insurance. 294 00:15:05,415 --> 00:15:07,161 Damn! I'm failing him. 295 00:15:07,205 --> 00:15:08,870 Some friend you are, Stan. 296 00:15:08,915 --> 00:15:10,510 Show me the way, Lord. 297 00:15:10,558 --> 00:15:12,690 Show me the way to really make him suffer. 298 00:15:15,468 --> 00:15:16,603 Order up! 299 00:15:20,077 --> 00:15:21,152 Order up! 300 00:15:22,038 --> 00:15:24,100 Great! Well, thanks for nothing! 301 00:15:24,146 --> 00:15:26,403 My insurance won't cover explosions. 302 00:15:26,508 --> 00:15:28,822 Well, at least you still have this restaurant. 303 00:15:28,868 --> 00:15:30,331 Sir, we have a problem. 304 00:15:37,078 --> 00:15:39,923 So far, 53 cases of bird flu have been traced 305 00:15:39,956 --> 00:15:41,261 to Brett's Breakfast Joint. 306 00:15:41,266 --> 00:15:43,653 Although, I got to say I ate there this morning and I... 307 00:15:45,677 --> 00:15:46,710 This is a nightmare! 308 00:15:46,915 --> 00:15:48,791 I put my life into that restaurant. 309 00:15:50,298 --> 00:15:52,201 So, what are you gonna do? 310 00:15:52,238 --> 00:15:54,340 I mean, where will you turn in this hour of need? 311 00:15:54,347 --> 00:15:55,363 It' gone be ok. 312 00:15:55,396 --> 00:15:58,800 The important thing is I've still got my family. 313 00:15:58,835 --> 00:16:01,740 Yeah, I kinda thought you might say that. 314 00:16:01,775 --> 00:16:03,441 Brett, I've realized I'm a lesbian 315 00:16:03,478 --> 00:16:04,950 so I'm leaving you and taking the children. 316 00:16:04,987 --> 00:16:07,181 What? When did you become a lesbian?! 317 00:16:07,225 --> 00:16:08,600 That is so ignorant! 318 00:16:08,637 --> 00:16:10,543 You don't become a lesbian. 319 00:16:10,587 --> 00:16:12,983 It's not like someone shot an experimental beam into my head 320 00:16:13,028 --> 00:16:14,702 and suddenly I'm gay! 321 00:16:15,507 --> 00:16:19,360 Wait! Don't do this! You're all I have! 322 00:16:22,127 --> 00:16:23,742 Put on your pants, Jesus. 323 00:16:23,786 --> 00:16:25,363 There's someone at the door. 324 00:16:27,697 --> 00:16:29,313 Brett? Brett?! 325 00:16:33,256 --> 00:16:36,993 Oh, my God! Brett, no! Wait there! I'm coming! 326 00:16:40,657 --> 00:16:42,322 Hello, Sharper Image? 327 00:16:42,355 --> 00:16:44,831 Yeah, give me three Sopranos pinball machines, 328 00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:46,113 the radio golf ball, 329 00:16:46,148 --> 00:16:47,322 a floating ant farm, 330 00:16:47,358 --> 00:16:50,133 a flashlight hammer to smash the ants with 331 00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:51,112 if they piss me off. 332 00:16:52,726 --> 00:16:55,660 I'm, uh, I'm gonna call right back. 333 00:16:55,698 --> 00:16:57,160 What the hell is that?! 334 00:16:57,207 --> 00:16:59,403 Oh, I wanted to practice potionsat home 335 00:16:59,438 --> 00:17:01,480 so I borrowed some supplies. 336 00:17:01,528 --> 00:17:03,491 Oh, my God, what did you do?! 337 00:17:03,536 --> 00:17:05,421 Professor Ice pick won't mind. 338 00:17:05,455 --> 00:17:07,313 It's like I'm doing extra credit. 339 00:17:07,356 --> 00:17:08,861 Do they know where you live? 340 00:17:08,907 --> 00:17:10,383 Do they know where you live?! 341 00:17:15,637 --> 00:17:18,532 Hey, look who's here! Professor! 342 00:17:19,155 --> 00:17:20,942 We can't let them know we're home! 343 00:17:20,975 --> 00:17:22,303 - Why not? - Because... 344 00:17:23,448 --> 00:17:25,152 they're Death Eaters. 345 00:17:25,258 --> 00:17:29,063 Oh, disguised as teachers from the school. 346 00:17:33,238 --> 00:17:35,783 Okay! I pun. 347 00:17:35,787 --> 00:17:38,001 Ocules reparo. 348 00:17:38,046 --> 00:17:40,122 You, you put him up to this? 349 00:17:40,795 --> 00:17:42,560 I'll save you, Roger. 350 00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:44,333 Lavate las manos. 351 00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:00,722 You like that?! 352 00:18:01,565 --> 00:18:02,722 Get his ass! 353 00:18:08,317 --> 00:18:10,401 I'm amazingly focused right now! 354 00:18:10,886 --> 00:18:12,553 Lavate las manos. 355 00:18:13,005 --> 00:18:14,770 Lavate las manos. 356 00:18:19,517 --> 00:18:21,571 Lavate las manos. 357 00:18:23,505 --> 00:18:24,650 You want some, too?! 358 00:18:24,686 --> 00:18:26,403 I got plenty for everybody. 359 00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,661 Uh! TV is safe. 360 00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:40,713 Lavate las manos! 361 00:18:43,138 --> 00:18:46,263 - Wow, I did it. - What?! 362 00:18:46,497 --> 00:18:48,911 My spells defeated the Death Eaters. 363 00:18:48,958 --> 00:18:50,670 I am awesome! 364 00:18:56,405 --> 00:18:57,901 That's right. 365 00:18:57,946 --> 00:18:59,343 Which is why I'm gonna show you 366 00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:02,273 how to make a really cool potion in this bathtub. 367 00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:03,730 Yeah! What do we need? 368 00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:05,972 Some sulfuric acid and a hacksaw. 369 00:19:09,588 --> 00:19:11,612 Come on, Brett, you can pull out of this. 370 00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:15,173 Dear Lord, I know this is all my fault. 371 00:19:15,215 --> 00:19:16,683 I wasn't tolerant. 372 00:19:16,727 --> 00:19:19,292 I tried to change my friend and look what happened. 373 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,922 I swear to you, if you bring Brett back, 374 00:19:21,968 --> 00:19:24,533 I will accept him exactly the way he is. 375 00:19:28,055 --> 00:19:30,233 Brett? Brett, I thought I lost you! 376 00:19:30,275 --> 00:19:31,090 Stan? 377 00:19:31,127 --> 00:19:33,390 Look, Brett, I have to tell you the truth. 378 00:19:33,436 --> 00:19:36,300 I was behind all those bad things that happened to you. 379 00:19:36,348 --> 00:19:37,402 I'm so sorry. 380 00:19:37,445 --> 00:19:39,761 I was just trying to get you to turn to God. 381 00:19:39,805 --> 00:19:42,570 Stan, it's okay 'cause I believe now. 382 00:19:42,576 --> 00:19:45,053 - I believe in God! - Really? 383 00:19:45,088 --> 00:19:47,000 Yes, I actually met him 384 00:19:47,046 --> 00:19:49,960 right before he kicked me down to hell for committing suicide. 385 00:19:51,655 --> 00:19:53,740 And that's where I met the devil, 386 00:19:53,785 --> 00:19:55,600 who agreed to let me come back to life 387 00:19:55,636 --> 00:19:58,671 if I would work to spread the fame and glory of Satan! 388 00:19:59,877 --> 00:20:01,070 Now, now, Brett, 389 00:20:01,108 --> 00:20:03,522 you know you've suffered some massive head trauma. 390 00:20:03,555 --> 00:20:05,360 No, Stan, it's true. 391 00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:08,611 Where else would I have gotten this awesome goat guitar... 392 00:20:08,986 --> 00:20:11,120 and be able to play it like this? 393 00:20:18,406 --> 00:20:20,391 You made a bargain with the devil? 394 00:20:20,435 --> 00:20:21,361 Hang on. 395 00:20:23,977 --> 00:20:25,863 But that's your eternal soul. 396 00:20:48,195 --> 00:20:50,191 Man, I'm starved! 397 00:20:50,237 --> 00:20:53,172 Want to go get some nacho sand watch the Ravens' game? 398 00:20:53,205 --> 00:20:54,640 Brett, you're a Satanist! 399 00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:56,712 I could only be friends with you if you believed in... 400 00:20:57,318 --> 00:20:58,642 Believed in what? 401 00:21:00,216 --> 00:21:03,142 Whatever you want, pal, whatever you want. 402 00:21:03,177 --> 00:21:04,401 Thanks, Stan. 403 00:21:04,858 --> 00:21:06,451 Hey, you still play golf, right? 404 00:21:06,497 --> 00:21:09,651 Stan, I'm a Satanist, not a poor person. 405 00:21:09,656 --> 00:21:10,651 Synch: Athana www.forom.com 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net