1 00:00:02,899 --> 00:00:05,789 Good morning, USA! 2 00:00:05,790 --> 00:00:09,335 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day 3 00:00:09,536 --> 00:00:12,631 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face 4 00:00:12,632 --> 00:00:16,311 And he's shining a salute to the American race 5 00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:18,912 SON REGRETS TEACHING DAD HOW TO TEXT MESSAGE 6 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:22,236 Oh, boy, it's swell to say 7 00:00:22,237 --> 00:00:25,729 Good morning, USA 8 00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:30,153 Good morning, USA! 9 00:00:31,089 --> 00:00:32,257 Stop! 10 00:00:32,256 --> 00:00:34,800 Stop! I know you can totally hear me! 11 00:00:40,914 --> 00:00:42,118 Good morning, whore. 12 00:00:46,289 --> 00:00:48,898 Freeze! Put your hands in the air! 13 00:00:55,390 --> 00:00:58,113 Jamison La Croix, weapons dealer, 14 00:00:58,119 --> 00:01:00,951 drug smuggler, corpse. 15 00:01:01,557 --> 00:01:05,640 Bum, bum, bum Ba, ba, bum-bum-bum 16 00:01:05,785 --> 00:01:09,582 Bum, bum, bum Ba, ba, bum-bum-bum 17 00:01:09,688 --> 00:01:11,813 And another one gone, and another one gone 18 00:01:11,816 --> 00:01:13,852 another one bites the dust. 19 00:01:13,855 --> 00:01:17,741 Hey, he's gonna get you, too, another one bites the dust. 20 00:01:18,868 --> 00:01:20,052 Well done, Smith. 21 00:01:20,058 --> 00:01:22,330 This brings your kill total up to 14, 22 00:01:22,335 --> 00:01:25,072 and it means you get to pick tomorrow's lunch. 23 00:01:25,076 --> 00:01:26,782 Quiznos, I choose Quiznos! 24 00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:27,593 Are you sure? 25 00:01:27,595 --> 00:01:29,371 We have many new take out menus. 26 00:01:29,377 --> 00:01:31,170 Toasted bread and melted cheese! Quiznos! 27 00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:33,410 Toasted bread and melted cheese! Quiznos! 28 00:01:36,176 --> 00:01:37,120 Was he in a lot of pain? 29 00:01:37,127 --> 00:01:38,270 Did his guts spill out? 30 00:01:38,277 --> 00:01:39,603 How long will he be dead? 31 00:01:39,607 --> 00:01:43,283 I have killed for both onor and pleasure. 32 00:01:43,288 --> 00:01:45,582 Sorry, boys, I don't kill and tell. 33 00:01:45,585 --> 00:01:47,093 Part of the killer's code. 34 00:01:47,098 --> 00:01:50,402 I bet he sees his victims' faces every time he closes his eyes. 35 00:01:50,406 --> 00:01:52,353 And I bet they're all, like, "Why?" 36 00:01:52,357 --> 00:01:55,013 And he's all, like, "You know why." 37 00:01:55,017 --> 00:01:58,803 Stan has replaced Rutger Hauer on my wall and in my heart. 38 00:01:58,816 --> 00:02:00,102 You guys are pathetic. 39 00:02:00,107 --> 00:02:01,593 You're idolizing a murderer. 40 00:02:01,598 --> 00:02:02,311 Oh, yeah? 41 00:02:02,318 --> 00:02:04,422 Well, ba-ba-booey. 42 00:02:06,075 --> 00:02:07,541 What the hell does that mean? 43 00:02:07,546 --> 00:02:08,702 Guy humor, Hayley. 44 00:02:08,708 --> 00:02:11,212 You don't got a willy, you don't get the silly. 45 00:02:12,388 --> 00:02:14,932 Dad, speaking of guy stuff, we were all talking about 46 00:02:14,937 --> 00:02:17,011 trying out for the gymnastics team at school... 47 00:02:17,016 --> 00:02:18,061 I'll kill you if you do. 48 00:02:18,066 --> 00:02:19,130 He totally will, too. 49 00:02:19,136 --> 00:02:20,301 He's so awesome. 50 00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:21,912 Kids, leave your father alone. 51 00:02:21,917 --> 00:02:26,570 The last thing he wants to do is relive every vivid gruesome detail. 52 00:02:26,577 --> 00:02:30,131 Save that for the bedroom, my big, powerful killer. 53 00:02:31,016 --> 00:02:33,663 Francine, you know I likes to get with the ladies, 54 00:02:33,667 --> 00:02:35,351 but right now I have to take a rain check. 55 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,780 I'm playing poker tonight with a couple of guys from work. 56 00:02:37,795 --> 00:02:39,743 We need a fourth, so Chilly's coming along. 57 00:02:39,747 --> 00:02:40,731 Chilly? 58 00:02:40,735 --> 00:02:42,073 You heard right, baby. 59 00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:45,333 They call me Chilly 'cause I got ice in my veins. 60 00:02:45,587 --> 00:02:47,300 What's with these cards, Bad Larry?! 61 00:02:47,307 --> 00:02:49,052 You're screwing me with these cards! 62 00:02:49,056 --> 00:02:50,520 Why can't I stop sweating? 63 00:02:50,848 --> 00:02:53,041 I'm sorry, Chilly. I don't control the cards. 64 00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,863 If I did, I'd give you the best gosh-darn ones there were. 65 00:02:55,866 --> 00:02:59,543 Oh! Bad Larry, your wife made this guacamole? 66 00:02:59,548 --> 00:03:02,143 Usually, the ugly ones can cook. 67 00:03:02,937 --> 00:03:05,743 Ray, you're honest 'cause you're old. 68 00:03:05,747 --> 00:03:08,000 So, how do you and Stan know each other? 69 00:03:08,007 --> 00:03:08,652 From work. 70 00:03:08,657 --> 00:03:10,023 We know each other from work. 71 00:03:10,027 --> 00:03:12,391 Oh, that's where we know him from. 72 00:03:12,396 --> 00:03:13,823 Then from the coffee shop! I don't know! 73 00:03:13,828 --> 00:03:15,362 I'm trying to play a hand here. 74 00:03:15,376 --> 00:03:18,162 Hey, Smith, mazel tov on the kill today. 75 00:03:18,167 --> 00:03:19,842 What'd you have to eat after? 76 00:03:19,847 --> 00:03:21,793 Uh, I don't know. 77 00:03:21,807 --> 00:03:22,543 You don't know? 78 00:03:22,547 --> 00:03:24,062 What the hell's wrong with you? 79 00:03:24,066 --> 00:03:27,671 I remember every meal I ate after every kill. 80 00:03:27,676 --> 00:03:29,882 Whose deal is it? Come on! I'm in a big hole here! 81 00:03:29,885 --> 00:03:33,013 Huge, huge hole!Madonna circa 1986. 82 00:03:33,028 --> 00:03:35,270 I'm in Madonna circa 1986. 83 00:03:35,275 --> 00:03:37,540 Johnny Demone was my first kill. 84 00:03:37,545 --> 00:03:41,762 Slit his throat with a coping saw, then ate an egg salad sandwich. 85 00:03:41,768 --> 00:03:44,031 It was too big. I took home half. 86 00:03:44,036 --> 00:03:45,880 Yeah, you never forget your first. 87 00:03:45,885 --> 00:03:47,462 Mine was my old partner Joe. 88 00:03:47,465 --> 00:03:49,290 Turned out he was working for the East Germans. 89 00:03:49,545 --> 00:03:50,502 While I was strangling him, 90 00:03:50,505 --> 00:03:53,612 I stuck my thumb in his eye socket and popped his eye out. 91 00:03:53,618 --> 00:03:57,782 Then without severing the optical nerve, I turned it around so he could watch himself die. 92 00:03:58,338 --> 00:04:00,852 My God, Bad Larry! 93 00:04:01,465 --> 00:04:03,542 One time can I get a hand?! 94 00:04:03,548 --> 00:04:06,261 What about you, Stan? Who was your first? 95 00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:09,131 Oh, now, I'm a gentleman. I never kill and tell. 96 00:04:09,148 --> 00:04:10,153 Oh, come on. 97 00:04:10,155 --> 00:04:11,751 It's just us guys. 98 00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:15,673 Okay, I shot a guy. 99 00:04:16,816 --> 00:04:19,520 Who? Come on. We want details. 100 00:04:19,525 --> 00:04:23,103 It was this Russian spy. You guys don't know him. 101 00:04:23,108 --> 00:04:24,033 He was from Canada. 102 00:04:24,038 --> 00:04:25,682 Oh, yeah? Where'd you shoot him? 103 00:04:26,438 --> 00:04:28,413 - In the body. - Where inthe body? 104 00:04:28,415 --> 00:04:32,580 The... the front. The.. front of the body. 105 00:04:34,016 --> 00:04:37,071 Hey, uh, how about when you kill someone dead, 106 00:04:37,075 --> 00:04:41,250 and then afterwards your hands smell like wet dog? 107 00:04:41,255 --> 00:04:42,473 Wet dog? 108 00:04:42,487 --> 00:04:43,821 Well, you know what I mean. Something dog. 109 00:04:43,827 --> 00:04:49,460 Whose deal is it? You didn't kill anyone today. 110 00:04:49,465 --> 00:04:52,001 I don't think you've ever killed anyone. 111 00:04:52,766 --> 00:04:54,382 Wha, what are you...? 112 00:04:54,408 --> 00:04:56,333 I've totally killed people. 113 00:04:56,738 --> 00:04:59,042 Hey, anyone notice that Chilly's really an alien? 114 00:04:59,058 --> 00:05:01,650 - You're a virgin. - I am not a virgin! 115 00:05:01,665 --> 00:05:05,112 Big macho Stan, he's a killing virgin! 116 00:05:05,727 --> 00:05:08,502 You've never popped your cherry! 117 00:05:09,968 --> 00:05:13,031 No, I... I... my soufflé! 118 00:05:14,128 --> 00:05:17,083 Well, he's my ride, so I should get going, too. 119 00:05:17,088 --> 00:05:21,180 Probably a good thing since I've been getting complete crap all ni... Who's in? 120 00:05:21,186 --> 00:05:22,152 - Fold - Fold. 121 00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:23,353 Damn it! 122 00:05:29,055 --> 00:05:31,303 Don't look at me! I'm a disgrace! 123 00:05:31,305 --> 00:05:33,220 Come on, Stan. Get in the car. 124 00:05:33,227 --> 00:05:35,100 We have to talk about what happened. 125 00:05:39,285 --> 00:05:41,702 Now, should I have folded that pair of threes? 126 00:05:41,707 --> 00:05:43,932 Roger, I've never killed anyone. 127 00:05:43,936 --> 00:05:45,950 Don't you want to know how that's possible? 128 00:05:46,016 --> 00:05:47,523 Oh, yeah, sure. 129 00:05:47,527 --> 00:05:50,272 We can talk about your thing first,I guess. 130 00:05:50,825 --> 00:05:54,361 It all started when I was a rookie agent 20 years ago. 131 00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:58,710 I'd been following this spy for months and finally had him cornered. 132 00:06:13,067 --> 00:06:15,481 Sorry, folks, spilled my beer. Sorry. 133 00:06:17,816 --> 00:06:19,162 What are you doing? 134 00:06:19,166 --> 00:06:20,710 Don't shoot me in the stomach! 135 00:06:20,715 --> 00:06:23,543 That's stupid! It probably won't even kill me. 136 00:06:26,195 --> 00:06:28,350 Is this your first time or something? 137 00:06:28,665 --> 00:06:30,990 Oh, my God, it is! 138 00:06:31,047 --> 00:06:34,772 Well, you're terrible at it! You are terrible! 139 00:06:35,035 --> 00:06:37,750 And you'll never be any good. Never! 140 00:06:38,218 --> 00:06:39,460 I couldn't do it. 141 00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:42,981 I couldn't pull the trigger. I just froze up. 142 00:06:51,755 --> 00:06:56,513 I took credit for the kill, but since then I've never been able to do the deed. 143 00:06:56,515 --> 00:06:58,820 But I thought you've killed a bunch of people? 144 00:06:58,824 --> 00:07:00,438 Not exactly. 145 00:07:19,529 --> 00:07:21,598 Yep, I still got it. 146 00:07:21,770 --> 00:07:23,483 Hey, you're that virgin from the subway. 147 00:07:23,489 --> 00:07:26,313 Howy you been, virgin? I been up and down myself. 148 00:07:26,316 --> 00:07:28,822 Sweet Lady Cancer took one of my nads. 149 00:07:29,275 --> 00:07:33,163 Everyone thought I was this badass CIA agent, so I went with it. 150 00:07:33,166 --> 00:07:34,850 And that's who I became-- 151 00:07:34,908 --> 00:07:37,291 for myself, my wife and my kids. 152 00:07:37,528 --> 00:07:40,812 Roger, they can never find out the truth. They'd be devastated. 153 00:07:40,818 --> 00:07:43,441 Hey, don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. 154 00:07:43,448 --> 00:07:45,960 Look, I'll tell you one of mine, so we're even. 155 00:07:46,887 --> 00:07:52,480 I return stuff to The Gap all... the... time. 156 00:07:56,106 --> 00:07:58,812 Liar! Your whole life has been a lie! 157 00:07:58,817 --> 00:07:59,933 Damn it, Roger! 158 00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:02,541 You're not a killer of men, you're a killer of truth! 159 00:08:02,545 --> 00:08:03,653 Look, Steve, it's not... 160 00:08:03,658 --> 00:08:06,663 You made me look like a real jerk.I'm a jerk! 161 00:08:06,668 --> 00:08:08,312 You know what it's like to be made a jerk of? 162 00:08:08,317 --> 00:08:10,983 I've been walking around my whole life wondering who the jerk is, 163 00:08:10,997 --> 00:08:14,623 and then bam! I'm the jerk! You made me a jerk, Pop. 164 00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:18,823 Aren't we a fine pair? The jerk and the guy that made him a jerk! 165 00:08:18,985 --> 00:08:22,150 Oh, Daddy, I just knew you couldn't be a cold-blooded killer. 166 00:08:22,158 --> 00:08:24,412 - I'm so proud of you. - No! 167 00:08:24,418 --> 00:08:26,890 Why don't you come with me to the Citizen's Protest Caucus? 168 00:08:26,895 --> 00:08:29,610 Together, we'll pick blueberries for peace. 169 00:08:30,065 --> 00:08:31,601 I loved you! 170 00:08:31,607 --> 00:08:35,792 Everyone, just relax. So Stan hasn't killed anyone. 171 00:08:35,795 --> 00:08:38,430 He's still the same person he was last night. 172 00:08:38,437 --> 00:08:41,102 It's just our opinion of him that's changed. 173 00:08:45,666 --> 00:08:47,790 You told them I'm a killing virgin? 174 00:08:47,798 --> 00:08:50,502 Stan, come on. I'm a gossip. 175 00:08:50,505 --> 00:08:54,843 I reveal people's darkest secrets so I can seem momentarily interesting. 176 00:08:55,107 --> 00:08:58,210 You know who else does that? Hayley. 177 00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:00,223 What are you guys doing here? 178 00:09:00,227 --> 00:09:01,470 Chilly called us this morning. 179 00:09:01,475 --> 00:09:03,710 You can't go on being a virgin. 180 00:09:03,716 --> 00:09:07,901 Which is why we'regonna take you out and get you your first kill. 181 00:09:08,025 --> 00:09:11,191 And you'll be doing your killing with this. 182 00:09:15,985 --> 00:09:18,361 No? All right, then every ones coot back. 183 00:09:18,368 --> 00:09:20,510 I got to whack this thing on the ground. 184 00:09:21,866 --> 00:09:23,391 I don't know about this, guys. 185 00:09:23,405 --> 00:09:24,953 Hey, pal, relax. 186 00:09:24,958 --> 00:09:26,963 We brought you to the best place in town. 187 00:09:27,446 --> 00:09:31,682 Inside are the most pathetic people in the city with nothing to live for. 188 00:09:31,685 --> 00:09:33,770 It's like Applebee's with a bar. 189 00:09:34,036 --> 00:09:35,560 Oh, wait, Applebee's has a bar. 190 00:09:35,566 --> 00:09:37,002 It's like Applebee's. 191 00:09:41,716 --> 00:09:44,690 Stan, look who I met at the bar. This is Gladys. 192 00:09:44,698 --> 00:09:48,020 She's 46, never been married despite years of trying, 193 00:09:48,028 --> 00:09:52,001 had a hysterectomy,so even if she does find that special someone-- ha-ha-- 194 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,700 there's no chance she'll have kids. 195 00:09:53,707 --> 00:09:54,950 You should kill her. 196 00:09:54,958 --> 00:09:58,030 Uh, I-I can't. She's, she's too tall. 197 00:09:58,036 --> 00:10:01,481 I don't want to killanyone too... tall. 198 00:10:02,375 --> 00:10:03,941 Everyone, this is James. 199 00:10:03,945 --> 00:10:07,451 I found him curled up under the dart machine smelling of urineand despair. 200 00:10:07,467 --> 00:10:10,720 His sport jacket, as you can see, is made of newspapers. 201 00:10:10,726 --> 00:10:13,501 He keeps mumbling that he'd' rather die than pay that whore alimony, 202 00:10:13,517 --> 00:10:15,332 which in my book is a green light. 203 00:10:15,557 --> 00:10:19,593 Uh, you-you guys want me to shoot a guy named James? 204 00:10:19,668 --> 00:10:20,900 As in "Jim"? 205 00:10:20,907 --> 00:10:24,803 Like Jim Davis, the guy who opened up his heart and gave us "Garfield"? 206 00:10:25,498 --> 00:10:30,031 This is Mark. He created that TV show Quintuplets. 207 00:10:30,477 --> 00:10:33,393 Me like e the one where they went to prom. 208 00:10:33,796 --> 00:10:36,301 That one was terrible. They were all terrible. 209 00:10:38,706 --> 00:10:39,913 That was awful. 210 00:10:39,915 --> 00:10:41,853 I can't stand the whole bar scene. 211 00:10:41,866 --> 00:10:45,671 Hey, it was your first night out there. You'll find the right one soon. 212 00:10:45,677 --> 00:10:47,380 Well, how will I know it's the right one? 213 00:10:47,388 --> 00:10:48,543 Oh, you'll know. 214 00:10:48,546 --> 00:10:51,192 When you find "the one," you just know. 215 00:10:51,196 --> 00:10:54,690 You seem awfully knowledgeable about all this. 216 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,311 Have you ever...? 217 00:10:56,316 --> 00:10:57,720 Well, I served in the war. 218 00:10:57,728 --> 00:11:00,013 - There was a space war? - Space war? 219 00:11:00,016 --> 00:11:03,010 No, no, I fought for the Viet Cong in the late '60s. 220 00:11:03,235 --> 00:11:06,803 I've told you that story, right? Well, the end of it is we won. 221 00:11:08,075 --> 00:11:09,850 Steve, what are you doing?! 222 00:11:09,858 --> 00:11:11,630 Drinking bee rin my underwear. 223 00:11:11,645 --> 00:11:14,441 Put that down and go put on some clothes this instant! 224 00:11:14,445 --> 00:11:16,632 Or you can shut up! 225 00:11:17,395 --> 00:11:19,910 Oh, this is a little uncomfortable. 226 00:11:22,618 --> 00:11:23,683 There we are. 227 00:11:23,687 --> 00:11:26,171 I'm your father. You can't talk to me that way. 228 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,882 Yeah? Whatcha gonna do, kill me? 229 00:11:29,247 --> 00:11:31,570 Maybe Steve is your "one". 230 00:11:31,577 --> 00:11:33,223 I can't kill my own son. 231 00:11:33,228 --> 00:11:34,813 Yeah, that's what I thought. 232 00:11:34,816 --> 00:11:37,992 Now I refer you back to my previous statement-- shut up! 233 00:11:38,987 --> 00:11:40,251 Get the door. 234 00:11:40,256 --> 00:11:42,412 Boy, he is rough on you. 235 00:11:42,416 --> 00:11:45,993 He is elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough on you. 236 00:11:48,888 --> 00:11:50,540 Hi, sorry to disturb you. 237 00:11:50,545 --> 00:11:53,430 My name's Randy, I just moved in with my mom down the street. 238 00:11:53,828 --> 00:11:55,702 I'm throwing emptiesat your head. 239 00:11:55,708 --> 00:11:59,760 I was recently released from prison and the law requires me 240 00:11:59,768 --> 00:12:04,350 to tell everyone within a two-mile radius that I'm a registered sex offender. 241 00:12:04,407 --> 00:12:05,971 I threw peanuts at you. 242 00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:10,060 I used to work over at the water park where I molested a ton of kids. 243 00:12:10,068 --> 00:12:13,780 But, now I'm out, so... we'll see what happens. 244 00:12:13,808 --> 00:12:16,891 Sorry, my mind's a million miles away. Now what are you selling? 245 00:12:16,895 --> 00:12:18,212 Hey, shut the door! 246 00:12:18,226 --> 00:12:20,262 You're letting all the air out. 247 00:12:21,467 --> 00:12:22,953 So smooth. 248 00:12:22,957 --> 00:12:25,543 Can I come in? I would very much like to come in. 249 00:12:25,547 --> 00:12:27,371 I would like tobe in your home. 250 00:12:28,685 --> 00:12:33,100 Chicken strips on a TV tray in five minutes or I'm kicking your ass! 251 00:12:35,208 --> 00:12:37,471 Hey, killer, how was the kill? 252 00:12:37,476 --> 00:12:39,500 Do you need to wash the blood off your hands? 253 00:12:39,507 --> 00:12:41,163 Or better yet, don't. 254 00:12:41,166 --> 00:12:44,510 Well, I... didn't actually kill anyone.I tried to... 255 00:12:44,517 --> 00:12:46,252 You know what, I'm tired, I have a headache, 256 00:12:46,255 --> 00:12:47,991 I have a lot of work to do. my back hurts, 257 00:12:47,997 --> 00:12:50,281 it's that time of the month, I have an early meeting. 258 00:12:53,385 --> 00:12:55,371 All right Stan, now don't be nervous. 259 00:12:55,378 --> 00:12:57,191 This place is a sure thing. 260 00:12:58,127 --> 00:12:59,880 I'm gonna do itthis time, guys. 261 00:12:59,885 --> 00:13:02,780 Good. Now, if you start to getnervous, picture them naked. 262 00:13:02,788 --> 00:13:06,023 If you start to get reallynervous, make them get naked. 263 00:13:06,027 --> 00:13:07,903 Still nervous?You get naked. 264 00:13:07,905 --> 00:13:09,142 You can do what everyou want. 265 00:13:09,146 --> 00:13:10,871 You're killing these people. 266 00:13:11,365 --> 00:13:13,652 Oh, good, you're here.Come on in. 267 00:13:14,235 --> 00:13:16,693 We're in a bit of a hurry, we have to catch a comet. 268 00:13:16,858 --> 00:13:19,051 Now, according to the laws of Zargon, 269 00:13:19,058 --> 00:13:23,242 we need an outsider to deliver the poison which will return us to our home planet. 270 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:27,720 And you must bethe chosen ones since you were the first to reply to our post on Craigslist. 271 00:13:27,746 --> 00:13:29,863 How awesome is Craigslist? 272 00:13:29,865 --> 00:13:33,340 That's how I met my hiking buddy and that bitch who stole all my stuff. 273 00:13:33,348 --> 00:13:36,863 Okay, now, which one of you will be releasing us to freedom? 274 00:13:36,866 --> 00:13:38,671 Our boy Stan, right here. 275 00:13:44,597 --> 00:13:46,050 Is there a problem? 276 00:13:46,056 --> 00:13:47,950 What're you waiting for? Hurry up. 277 00:13:47,956 --> 00:13:49,900 Is this the first time you've poisoned a bunch of people? 278 00:13:49,908 --> 00:13:52,193 Come on, do it. Do it. Do it! 279 00:13:52,288 --> 00:13:53,421 Uh... 280 00:13:53,426 --> 00:13:55,210 Right now's my acting class. 281 00:13:55,215 --> 00:13:56,801 I'm letting down my scene partner. 282 00:13:58,368 --> 00:13:59,173 So... 283 00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:02,493 I like your shower caps. It sells "crazy" right away. 284 00:14:05,088 --> 00:14:05,903 There you are. 285 00:14:05,906 --> 00:14:07,492 I've been calling your cell all morning. 286 00:14:07,495 --> 00:14:11,341 I got you a part in a snuff film. You'll be killing Stacy Keach. 287 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:14,203 Oh, oh, what is this? I-I don't get this. 288 00:14:14,207 --> 00:14:16,623 I was picking Blueberries For Peace with my daughter. 289 00:14:16,637 --> 00:14:19,171 Who was I kidding? I'm just a wimpy non-killer 290 00:14:19,177 --> 00:14:21,623 who doesn't have the guts to end another human's life. 291 00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:24,801 I'll set up the juicer so we can make empathy smoothies. 292 00:14:25,306 --> 00:14:26,612 Yay. 293 00:14:27,245 --> 00:14:29,280 I see you've notice dour unitards. 294 00:14:29,287 --> 00:14:31,120 We're trying out for gymnastics. 295 00:14:31,128 --> 00:14:34,002 That's right, I'm defying you with a handspring. 296 00:14:34,745 --> 00:14:35,942 Ah! 297 00:14:36,337 --> 00:14:42,421 I am in Danskin, yet you are the one sho is shamed. 298 00:14:42,596 --> 00:14:43,511 Good luck. 299 00:14:43,517 --> 00:14:46,071 Wish me luck on bottling my own preserves. 300 00:14:46,075 --> 00:14:47,281 My blueberries! 301 00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:49,790 Look at yourself. Look at what you've become. 302 00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:52,301 You're not gonna find the "one"picking blueberries. 303 00:14:52,305 --> 00:14:56,320 Give it up, Roger.There is no "one". That person doesn't exist. 304 00:14:56,348 --> 00:14:59,810 No "one" is just going to magically fall into my lap. 305 00:15:14,207 --> 00:15:16,670 That's it, that's, the "one". 306 00:15:16,676 --> 00:15:18,822 The guy who came to my house. 307 00:15:19,395 --> 00:15:23,130 This whole time I was going out looking or it when it was right down the street, 308 00:15:23,207 --> 00:15:26,012 living with its mother and watching The Sandlot on DVD. 309 00:15:26,016 --> 00:15:26,852 Uh, Stan... 310 00:15:26,856 --> 00:15:29,503 It was right there and I couldn't even see it. 311 00:15:29,525 --> 00:15:30,391 Stan? 312 00:15:30,395 --> 00:15:32,521 I guess that's why it's perfect. 313 00:15:32,618 --> 00:15:34,441 You don't even realize it's happening, then... 314 00:15:34,446 --> 00:15:35,560 - Stan! - What? 315 00:15:35,566 --> 00:15:38,651 Steve just rode away in that pedophile's ice cream truck. 316 00:15:38,658 --> 00:15:39,783 Oh, my God. 317 00:15:39,786 --> 00:15:41,391 He had ice cream at lunch. 318 00:15:46,666 --> 00:15:48,881 Are you Randy's mother?. I need to find your son. 319 00:15:48,885 --> 00:15:50,180 He drove off with my boy. 320 00:15:50,185 --> 00:15:51,170 Oh, dear. 321 00:15:51,187 --> 00:15:54,863 Randy used to work at the water park before the Troubles. 322 00:15:54,868 --> 00:15:56,772 You might want to check there. 323 00:15:57,177 --> 00:15:59,482 He also kills cats! 324 00:15:59,816 --> 00:16:03,231 So, uh... you know. 325 00:16:10,955 --> 00:16:12,570 What an awesome place. 326 00:16:12,577 --> 00:16:13,983 Thanks for bringing us, Randy. 327 00:16:13,985 --> 00:16:15,132 No problem. 328 00:16:15,138 --> 00:16:17,160 Hey, do you kids sometimes kiss your pillow 329 00:16:17,167 --> 00:16:19,161 and pretend it'sone of the Little Rascals? 330 00:16:19,165 --> 00:16:20,512 Uh, no. 331 00:16:20,526 --> 00:16:21,983 Me, neither. 332 00:16:21,995 --> 00:16:26,583 How'd you boys like to see the old mattress in my secret spy lair behind the waterfall? 333 00:16:26,585 --> 00:16:27,780 Yeah! 334 00:16:27,915 --> 00:16:29,720 I am uneasy. 335 00:16:30,866 --> 00:16:31,912 I need a ticket quickly. 336 00:16:31,916 --> 00:16:33,292 My son is about to be molested. 337 00:16:33,295 --> 00:16:36,340 - $65. - 65? That's outrageous. 338 00:16:36,345 --> 00:16:38,733 If you have a soda can, you get in for half-price. 339 00:16:56,097 --> 00:16:57,921 I hope my son's still about to be molested. 340 00:16:57,927 --> 00:16:59,170 I need a half-price ticket. 341 00:16:59,178 --> 00:17:01,062 I'm sorry, I can't accept a full can. 342 00:17:01,078 --> 00:17:03,022 It has to be empty.Aah! 343 00:17:17,188 --> 00:17:20,743 Polar bears... shouldn't givethis... to their babies. 344 00:17:21,838 --> 00:17:23,150 All right,clear a path. 345 00:17:23,158 --> 00:17:24,692 Some people workfor a living. 346 00:17:24,695 --> 00:17:26,482 Uh-uh-uh, you guys need tickets. 347 00:17:26,486 --> 00:17:27,682 CIA. 348 00:17:28,127 --> 00:17:30,002 Wow. That bums me out. 349 00:17:30,018 --> 00:17:32,530 Perry-Ellis-wallet owner. Out of my way. 350 00:17:32,966 --> 00:17:34,240 Chilly told us what happened. 351 00:17:34,255 --> 00:17:35,583 We got here as soon as we could. 352 00:17:35,585 --> 00:17:36,951 Spread out andfind the boys. 353 00:17:36,957 --> 00:17:38,500 There's not a moment to lose. 354 00:17:40,248 --> 00:17:43,441 Sanchez Montezuma, INS, Churro and Sopapilla Division. 355 00:17:43,445 --> 00:17:47,161 I'm confiscating all these churros. And a milk, please. 356 00:17:50,785 --> 00:17:51,753 See? 357 00:17:51,755 --> 00:17:53,662 Isn't playing "Popcorn" fun? 358 00:17:53,667 --> 00:17:55,340 Something doesn't seem right here. 359 00:17:55,346 --> 00:17:58,280 Yeah. At the very least we should've popped by now. 360 00:17:59,247 --> 00:18:00,310 I'm the salt. 361 00:18:00,318 --> 00:18:03,072 All kernels have to wrestle me to get salted. 362 00:18:04,957 --> 00:18:07,413 Goodbye, sweet virtue. 363 00:18:09,647 --> 00:18:10,953 Freeze, dirt bag. 364 00:18:10,958 --> 00:18:12,153 Dad! 365 00:18:13,495 --> 00:18:15,081 It's all over, Randy. 366 00:18:15,088 --> 00:18:16,571 Time to die. 367 00:18:16,578 --> 00:18:18,963 Okay, yeah. I get it. 368 00:18:19,375 --> 00:18:20,973 Uh... aren't you... 369 00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:23,592 aren't you going to apologize and beg for your life? 370 00:18:23,597 --> 00:18:24,493 No. 371 00:18:24,495 --> 00:18:27,701 Look, I'm a sex offender. I love offensive sex. 372 00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,833 I offend people with the sex I have. 373 00:18:29,835 --> 00:18:32,582 That's who I am,and that's who I'll always be. 374 00:18:32,776 --> 00:18:34,472 My God, boys. 375 00:18:34,477 --> 00:18:37,442 We can all take a page from Randy the molester's book. 376 00:18:37,448 --> 00:18:41,740 He's comfortable with who he is, and I should be as well. 377 00:18:41,747 --> 00:18:43,633 So I'm not a killer. 378 00:18:43,637 --> 00:18:45,943 If it happens for me, and I kill someone, great. 379 00:18:45,945 --> 00:18:47,000 If not, fine. 380 00:18:47,006 --> 00:18:49,413 But it's not going to be what defines me. 381 00:18:49,418 --> 00:18:50,681 I don't need to kill someone 382 00:18:50,686 --> 00:18:53,232 to prove anything to you, myself or anyone else. 383 00:18:53,315 --> 00:18:54,783 Thanks for saving us. 384 00:18:54,808 --> 00:18:56,750 I'm sorry for the way I acted. 385 00:18:56,765 --> 00:19:00,623 Just because you haven't killed anyone doesn't mean you're not a great dad. 386 00:19:02,318 --> 00:19:04,482 Yeah. That's nice. 387 00:19:04,645 --> 00:19:07,042 You're going away for a long time, Randy. 388 00:19:07,045 --> 00:19:08,802 Not as long asyou might think. 389 00:19:08,806 --> 00:19:09,513 What do you mean? 390 00:19:09,518 --> 00:19:12,612 Well, I've got a great lawyer and my mom's got a ton of money. 391 00:19:12,617 --> 00:19:14,801 I'll be back out on the streets in no time. 392 00:19:16,508 --> 00:19:18,533 I don't think so. 393 00:19:24,637 --> 00:19:27,573 Once again, Bad Larry I am so sorry. 394 00:19:27,576 --> 00:19:30,663 I can't believe you fired a shot that completely missed Randy 395 00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:34,313 and went through the waterfall, hitting Bad Larry who was on the other side. 396 00:19:35,468 --> 00:19:36,361 What? 397 00:19:36,366 --> 00:19:38,681 I'm just trying to make sure we're all clear. 398 00:19:40,816 --> 00:19:42,601 I'm not gonna make it. 399 00:19:43,048 --> 00:19:46,523 See, Stan? It was me all along. 400 00:19:46,666 --> 00:19:49,633 I was your "one," and you didn't even know it. 401 00:19:49,847 --> 00:19:51,243 Bad Larry. 402 00:19:51,247 --> 00:19:57,080 Hey, hey, no tears, you. I am one bad, bad Larry. 403 00:19:59,658 --> 00:20:03,690 I'll never forget you, Bad Larry. You'll always be my first. 404 00:20:03,696 --> 00:20:06,010 I'm... I'm glad it was me. 405 00:20:06,196 --> 00:20:12,050 And I shall become more powerful... than you could possibly imagine. 406 00:20:13,698 --> 00:20:16,610 - What did he mean by that? - Eh, who cares, he's dead. 407 00:20:17,968 --> 00:20:22,312 I know it's just a corn dog, but you'll never forget it. 408 00:20:25,745 --> 00:20:27,700 Where did I park my car? 409 00:20:32,348 --> 00:20:34,322 Daddy! You're just in time 410 00:20:34,338 --> 00:20:36,743 to go with me to pick Raspberries For Justice. 411 00:20:36,757 --> 00:20:38,772 Go to hell, Hayley. That's not who I am. 412 00:20:38,778 --> 00:20:41,023 Now go take off that unitard, or I'll kill you. 413 00:20:41,025 --> 00:20:42,360 You so would. 414 00:20:42,486 --> 00:20:44,451 - Did you kill someone? - Yep. 415 00:20:44,455 --> 00:20:46,212 Did you wash the blood off your hands? 416 00:20:46,215 --> 00:20:49,733 I sure didn't, honey. I sure didn't. 417 00:20:52,647 --> 00:20:54,211 Here it is, my big chance. 418 00:20:54,216 --> 00:20:55,681 Last line of the show. 419 00:20:55,687 --> 00:20:57,741 Oh, oh, I've got an area. 420 00:20:57,808 --> 00:20:59,513 Something about Rutger Hauer. 421 00:20:59,517 --> 00:21:02,403 No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. No, no Fox local news. No! 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net