1
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<i>American Dad !
The Most Adequate Christmas Ever</i>

2
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www.forom.com

4
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Synchro: Lgy
Transcript: Raceman

1
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Is everything ready?

2
00:00:39,388 --> 00:00:41,102
Your father should be
home any minute.

3
00:00:41,419 --> 00:00:44,983
I've modeled this year's star
after real crowd-pleaser:

4
00:00:45,036 --> 00:00:46,110
Polaris.

5
00:00:46,262 --> 00:00:48,423
I initially considered
Alpha Centauri,

6
00:00:48,494 --> 00:00:49,984
but then I thought,
who am I,

7
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:52,772
famed Serbian astronomer
Dolchan Banovich?

8
00:00:53,036 --> 00:00:55,614
Oh, honey, as long as
it stays on top of the tree,

9
00:00:55,682 --> 00:00:57,228
I could give a rat's ass.

10
00:00:57,295 --> 00:00:59,740
I picked up all the Charlie
Brown holiday specials,

11
00:00:59,864 --> 00:01:02,848
from the very first one

12
00:01:02,899 --> 00:01:05,158
to the one from the '80s
where he meets the kid with AIDS.

13
00:01:06,210 --> 00:01:08,113
Klaus you got the train to work!

14
00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:09,820
Yeah, it's in my blood.

15
00:01:09,886 --> 00:01:12,020
My grandfather was
a conductor at Auschwitz.

16
00:01:12,977 --> 00:01:15,802
No, no, he ran the kiddie
train at the zoo.

17
00:01:16,087 --> 00:01:18,941
You know, it's a big town,
there's other stuff there.

18
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Merry merry, everyone!

19
00:01:22,575 --> 00:01:24,151
Wow, greate sweater, Roger.

20
00:01:24,227 --> 00:01:27,150
Thanks, I totally sniped it
from a guy on eBay.

21
00:01:27,226 --> 00:01:30,590
I not only stole the sweater,
I stole his holiday spirit.

22
00:01:30,726 --> 00:01:33,792
And that made my holiday spirit
grow stronger.

23
00:01:34,018 --> 00:01:37,052
Because th-that's how it works,
right? Like Highlander?

24
00:01:37,178 --> 00:01:38,710
There can be only one?

25
00:01:39,388 --> 00:01:41,820
I've, I've had like
eight cups of eggnog.

26
00:01:41,975 --> 00:01:43,791
And this makes 12.

27
00:01:44,788 --> 00:01:47,173
That's your father.
Places everybody.

28
00:01:47,705 --> 00:01:49,812
Good job, guys.
Everything's perfect.

29
00:01:50,947 --> 00:01:54,081
Ho ho ho... No, no, no!
What happened here?!

30
00:01:54,297 --> 00:01:56,583
What do you mean?
The halls are fully decked.

31
00:01:56,645 --> 00:01:58,562
Dad, we've been working
on this all day.

32
00:01:58,917 --> 00:02:00,331
Seriously?

33
00:02:00,606 --> 00:02:03,392
I'd give you an A for effort
this isn't UC Santa cruise**.

34
00:02:03,618 --> 00:02:06,080
- What did we do wrong?
- Where do I start?

35
00:02:06,166 --> 00:02:07,732
Well, for one thing,
the stockings.

36
00:02:07,845 --> 00:02:11,521
They're suppose to be hung with care,

37
00:02:11,626 --> 00:02:13,991
The INXS guy hung himself
with more care.

38
00:02:14,256 --> 00:02:15,643
And the nativity scene.

39
00:02:15,747 --> 00:02:18,190
The Three Wise men
look like tranvestites.

40
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the mannish kind,
not the attractive Asian kind

41
00:02:20,837 --> 00:02:23,143
you're always hoping your friends
will hire for your birthday party.

42
00:02:23,466 --> 00:02:25,520
Stan, you're ruining our Christmas.

43
00:02:25,748 --> 00:02:27,741
No, I'm trying
to save your Christmas.

44
00:02:27,886 --> 00:02:30,213
Now, come on,
let's go get a good tree.

45
00:02:30,346 --> 00:02:31,882
There's nothing wrong
with this tree.

46
00:02:32,136 --> 00:02:35,270
It's 8:3 on Christmas Eve.
No one has any trees left.

47
00:02:35,387 --> 00:02:37,563
God does. We'll just go
to the woods and get one.

48
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Oh, my God,
I can see my heart light.

49
00:02:44,385 --> 00:02:46,301
- Here's a great tree.
- Wrong. Bare spot.

50
00:02:46,547 --> 00:02:48,112
- This one is nice.
- Upsided.

51
00:02:48,296 --> 00:02:49,192
How about this one?

52
00:02:49,217 --> 00:02:51,311
Hayley, do you even know
what a tree is? Keep looking.

53
00:02:51,497 --> 00:02:52,421
I'm bored.

54
00:02:52,537 --> 00:02:55,781
I'm gonna speed up this sweater
and pretend I'm in a dance club.

55
00:02:55,927 --> 00:02:58,911
<i>G-G-Godrest ye merry gentlemen</i>

56
00:02:58,955 --> 00:03:02,963
<i>I'm going to blow your mi-i-i,
oh-oh-oh, ee-ee-ee, ah-ah-ah</i>

57
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,700
Roger, Christmas is no time
to be singing.

58
00:03:07,787 --> 00:03:10,983
Stan, we've been
wandering around for hours.

59
00:03:11,086 --> 00:03:13,132
Klaus' bowl is starting to freeze.

60
00:03:13,237 --> 00:03:15,162
It must be ten below out here.

61
00:03:15,248 --> 00:03:18,100
Fine, if you all hate Christmas so much
you can go wait in the car.

62
00:03:18,267 --> 00:03:21,980
So what are you gonna do,

63
00:03:22,026 --> 00:03:23,411
You'll catch your death out here.

64
00:03:23,585 --> 00:03:26,313
Honey, just because snow
is the same color as our refrigeritor,

65
00:03:26,348 --> 00:03:27,633
doesn't mean you hos it works.

66
00:03:27,858 --> 00:03:31,113
Well, at least I don't think
I know everything about everything.

67
00:03:31,395 --> 00:03:34,192
Come on, you guys.
Hey, where's Steve?

68
00:03:34,435 --> 00:03:36,461
- Steve!
- Over here.

69
00:03:36,557 --> 00:03:38,981
I was peeing on a tree
and it froze mid-stream.

70
00:03:39,657 --> 00:03:41,100
Hayley, go help your brother.

71
00:03:42,636 --> 00:03:44,123
Great Christmas, Stan.

72
00:03:44,985 --> 00:03:48,623
<i>Eh-eh-eh
Last night, a Santa saved my life...</i>

73
00:03:48,726 --> 00:03:51,303
Ok, Steve. One, two...

74
00:03:53,197 --> 00:03:54,211
Thank you.

75
00:03:54,486 --> 00:03:57,402
I don't know why Francine's
mad at me for always being right.

76
00:03:57,658 --> 00:03:59,902
I don't get mad at her
for always being wrong.

77
00:04:00,338 --> 00:04:03,522
Boobs are holding up nicely
for a gal here, I'll say that.

78
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:06,693
The perfect tree.

79
00:04:07,048 --> 00:04:08,262
I knew it.

80
00:04:09,988 --> 00:04:12,182
And Francine said
I'd died up here.

81
00:04:25,696 --> 00:04:28,660
Wow, you woodland creatures
take freeze tag very seriously.

82
00:04:29,118 --> 00:04:31,603
M-M-Must sing to keep warm.

83
00:04:31,995 --> 00:04:35,851
<i>O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree</i>

84
00:04:36,058 --> 00:04:39,262
<i>Nobody knows as much as me...</i>

85
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:47,223
That what it would sound like
if I'd fallen much farther.

86
00:04:52,705 --> 00:04:54,053
Perfect tree.

87
00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:00,941
Perfect cut.

88
00:05:02,957 --> 00:05:07,090
Perfect amount
of blood filling lungs.

89
00:05:07,358 --> 00:05:09,391
Wait, no it's too much.

90
00:05:15,206 --> 00:05:16,613
What can I get you?

91
00:05:17,097 --> 00:05:19,801
Peppermint, Sugar plumb,
Boy's and berry Cascad ?

92
00:05:19,878 --> 00:05:22,373
We have any flavour
you can possibly imagine.

93
00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:25,420
- Vanilla.
- Ooh, we're out vanilla.

94
00:05:25,547 --> 00:05:27,330
What's going on? Where am I?

95
00:05:27,435 --> 00:05:30,290
We find people take the news
better with ice cream.

96
00:05:30,355 --> 00:05:32,683
- What news?
- the news that're dead.

97
00:05:32,947 --> 00:05:36,043
- Oh, my God!
- Relax,have vanilla.

98
00:05:36,218 --> 00:05:39,211
See, we initially tell people
we don't have their flavour,

99
00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:42,693
so when we tell them we really do,
it makes them happy.

100
00:05:44,027 --> 00:05:46,782
Ooh, boy.
We're actually out of vanilla.

101
00:05:47,027 --> 00:05:49,190
This has never happened before.

102
00:05:49,457 --> 00:05:51,050
Still dead, though.

103
00:05:54,155 --> 00:05:56,540
This is crazy.
There's no way I'm dead.

104
00:05:56,947 --> 00:05:59,782
I mean, if I'm dead, where's St. Peter?
Where's the Pearly Gates?

105
00:05:59,828 --> 00:06:01,112
Where all the ho's at?

106
00:06:01,215 --> 00:06:02,941
You mean Heaven?
That's up there.

107
00:06:04,938 --> 00:06:08,370
That griffin's taking a load
of saved souls up there right now.

108
00:06:10,038 --> 00:06:13,131
- So that must be...
- Yep, that's Reno.

109
00:06:13,458 --> 00:06:16,732
Kidding. That's Hell.
This is limbo.

110
00:06:17,176 --> 00:06:19,253
I'll be dropping you off
at that park bench up ahead.

111
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:22,552
In a couple weeks you'll get a letter
telling you whether you'll begoing up...

112
00:06:22,618 --> 00:06:24,021
or going down.

113
00:06:24,128 --> 00:06:25,343
But that's not fair!

114
00:06:25,455 --> 00:06:28,550
I shouldn't be dead! I know it!
I want a second chance!

115
00:06:28,747 --> 00:06:31,272
- What did you say?
- I want a second chance.

116
00:06:34,145 --> 00:06:36,993
The folks down atthe courthouse
are not going to be happy

117
00:06:37,026 --> 00:06:39,580
when they find out theyhave to work Christmas Eve.

118
00:06:39,606 --> 00:06:40,673
Courthouse?

119
00:06:40,788 --> 00:06:42,862
you don't just get
a second chance.

120
00:06:42,907 --> 00:06:44,932
You gotta prove you deserve it
in a trial.

121
00:06:44,997 --> 00:06:46,770
- Wait, a trial?
- Not to worry.

122
00:06:47,046 --> 00:06:48,353
You'll be assigned a lawyer

123
00:06:48,416 --> 00:06:51,462
from the greatest pool
of legal minds in the universe.

124
00:06:53,058 --> 00:06:55,850
Ooh, I misspoke.
Looks like you got Michelle.

125
00:06:59,775 --> 00:07:02,022
Oh, could you not flap over here?

126
00:07:03,216 --> 00:07:05,792
Oh, the papers I pretend
to look at when I'm in court!

127
00:07:06,076 --> 00:07:07,323
She's my lawyer?

128
00:07:07,448 --> 00:07:09,590
Can I pick another lawyer?
Where's Jewish heaven?

129
00:07:10,086 --> 00:07:11,690
So, I've been reviewing your file

130
00:07:11,715 --> 00:07:13,683
and I think we have
a really good case here, Philip.

131
00:07:13,707 --> 00:07:15,433
Stan.
And where are your wings?

132
00:07:15,508 --> 00:07:17,091
Everyone else up here has wings.

133
00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,490
Look, I haven't earned
them yet, okay?

134
00:07:19,757 --> 00:07:21,253
But I'm really trying.

135
00:07:21,456 --> 00:07:24,283
You know what time
I got here this morning? 7:30.

136
00:07:24,476 --> 00:07:28,073
Yeah. Anyway, you don't need wings
to be a good lawyer.

137
00:07:28,145 --> 00:07:30,063
Don't worry, babe,
this won't take long.

138
00:07:30,135 --> 00:07:32,033
I'm up against Michelle.

139
00:07:32,245 --> 00:07:34,561
Yeah, I know.
Anyway, I'll see you at home...

140
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:36,942
Ooh, I like it
when you talk like that.

141
00:07:36,988 --> 00:07:38,971
When I get home,
the things I'm gonna do.

142
00:07:39,077 --> 00:07:41,160
You're not gonna fly right
for a week.

143
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:44,510
Good luck, pal.
You're gonna need it.

144
00:07:44,914 --> 00:07:46,898
He's gonna be just fine, Scott!

145
00:07:47,279 --> 00:07:49,798
Don't worry, he's just trying
to psyche us out.

146
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,323
He doesn't look so tough.

147
00:07:51,379 --> 00:07:52,722
Actually, up here

148
00:07:52,758 --> 00:07:55,170
you get smaller and cuter
everytime you win a case.

149
00:07:55,257 --> 00:07:57,471
Oh my God, I'm screwed!
Look at him.

150
00:07:57,585 --> 00:08:01,272
He's cuter than a puppy
and a kitten

151
00:08:01,608 --> 00:08:02,643
All rise.

152
00:08:04,607 --> 00:08:06,693
- Oh, God, not him.
- Why? What's wrong?

153
00:08:06,888 --> 00:08:07,920
Counselor.

154
00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:11,310
- Michelle.
- Hi, Daddy.

155
00:08:11,595 --> 00:08:12,881
That's good, right?

156
00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:14,931
Um... Sure.

157
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:16,420
Okay, let's do this.

158
00:08:16,467 --> 00:08:19,313
It's Christmas Eve and we all want
to get to Jesus' birthday party.

159
00:08:19,577 --> 00:08:22,773
- Those of us who were invited.
- Shut up, Scott!

160
00:08:22,957 --> 00:08:25,910
- Counselor, your opening statement.
- Thank you, Your Honor.

161
00:08:26,176 --> 00:08:29,503
Should Stan Smith get
a second chance?

162
00:08:29,565 --> 00:08:31,791
He certainly thinks he should.

163
00:08:31,866 --> 00:08:34,342
He thinks he knows better
than everybody.

164
00:08:34,537 --> 00:08:38,943
But we will prove his death
was a just and fitting end

165
00:08:39,046 --> 00:08:42,802
to a life long pattern
of arrogance and know-it-all...

166
00:08:42,878 --> 00:08:43,833
...ness.

167
00:08:44,498 --> 00:08:47,811
Does Stan Smith deserve
a second chance?

168
00:08:48,298 --> 00:08:50,412
Not a chance.

169
00:08:51,388 --> 00:08:53,721
We disagree.

170
00:08:54,307 --> 00:08:56,411
That's it? "We disagree"?

171
00:08:56,487 --> 00:08:59,803
Well, I can't say"we agree."
That's how I lost my first ten cases.

172
00:08:59,996 --> 00:09:01,793
The court will now
hear the evidence.

173
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:05,013
Bring in the Spectral Window
to the Soul.

174
00:09:08,368 --> 00:09:09,760
Exhibit A.

175
00:09:09,968 --> 00:09:13,712
<i>The baby will behere any day now.
Just relax and stay off your feet.</i>

176
00:09:13,807 --> 00:09:15,691
<i>No. We have a big trip planned.</i>

177
00:09:15,745 --> 00:09:17,973
<i>Mr. Smith, I don'tthink you understand.</i>

178
00:09:17,976 --> 00:09:20,971
<i></i>

179
00:09:21,036 --> 00:09:22,480
<i>Okay, okay, I hear you.</i>

180
00:09:24,056 --> 00:09:26,960
- Oh, I'm sorry, Stan.
- I'm sorry, too.

181
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:29,051
Sorry we went with such an idiot doctor.

182
00:09:29,118 --> 00:09:30,470
We're taking that trip.

183
00:09:31,285 --> 00:09:32,880
Oh, yeah, it's not ripe yet.

184
00:09:32,945 --> 00:09:35,792
You know, I used to spend my summers
working at theFarmer's Market.

185
00:09:35,878 --> 00:09:39,430
Sold novelty license plates.
You got another month, minimum.

186
00:09:43,068 --> 00:09:44,900
I think my waterjust broke!

187
00:09:45,005 --> 00:09:47,052
Nonsense.
You're just having your period.

188
00:09:47,096 --> 00:09:48,393
I'm putting in my ear plugs.

189
00:09:48,467 --> 00:09:50,672
We're running with the zebras
in the morning.

190
00:10:11,085 --> 00:10:13,371
Hey.
Francine, you make coffee?

191
00:10:13,665 --> 00:10:16,052
In my defense,
she hadn't made coffee.

192
00:10:17,786 --> 00:10:20,243
There are hundreds of other examples

193
00:10:20,345 --> 00:10:22,191
of Stan Smith's arrogance.

194
00:10:22,445 --> 00:10:24,480
Thousands, even. Millions?

195
00:10:24,586 --> 00:10:26,822
Perhaps. Billions?

196
00:10:26,986 --> 00:10:30,361
Does anyone here believe
there are billions of other examples?

197
00:10:30,785 --> 00:10:32,093
I do.

198
00:10:32,455 --> 00:10:35,800
Well, there you have it.
The prosecution rests.

199
00:10:36,096 --> 00:10:37,051
Counselor?

200
00:10:37,227 --> 00:10:40,670
Time to give 'em
the ol' razzle dazzle!

201
00:10:40,837 --> 00:10:44,403
Your Honor, the prosecution could spend all day

202
00:10:44,467 --> 00:10:47,181
showing instances of
my client's moral short comings,

203
00:10:47,265 --> 00:10:51,580
while I can provide only
one example of his humility.

204
00:10:53,088 --> 00:10:56,152
But this example is
so over whelming

205
00:10:56,266 --> 00:10:58,981
in its display of his generosity,

206
00:10:59,217 --> 00:11:02,910
humanity and willingness to learn
from the wisdom of others

207
00:11:03,118 --> 00:11:06,421
that you will forget everything
you think you know

208
00:11:06,486 --> 00:11:07,880
about Stan Smith!

209
00:11:07,936 --> 00:11:09,032
Let's watch!

210
00:11:11,116 --> 00:11:12,440
Spare some change?

211
00:11:12,517 --> 00:11:15,390
You don't have to give him change,
but at least acknowledge him.

212
00:11:15,445 --> 00:11:16,263
Okay.

213
00:11:16,417 --> 00:11:19,693
- You're blocking the sidewalk, wino.
- That's not whatI'm talking about.

214
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:21,963
He's a person.
Doesn't the Bible say,

215
00:11:22,128 --> 00:11:25,283
"Look upon the corn and the wheat,
for even the chaff have their place"?

216
00:11:25,737 --> 00:11:28,731
Wow. You're right, Steve.
I'm humbled by you.

217
00:11:29,016 --> 00:11:30,910
Sorry I called you a wino, Chaff.

218
00:11:31,048 --> 00:11:34,311
- What brings youto this low place?
- I'm too sick to work.

219
00:11:34,505 --> 00:11:35,800
Say no more.

220
00:11:36,065 --> 00:11:38,620
Kidney transplants are
a dangerous procedure.

221
00:11:38,757 --> 00:11:41,163
Are you sure you want
to go through with this, Mr. Smith?

222
00:11:41,275 --> 00:11:43,290
After all,he's just a bum.

223
00:11:43,448 --> 00:11:46,113
That's what I used to think,
until my son taught me different.

224
00:11:46,588 --> 00:11:47,881
You ready, Chris?

225
00:11:47,977 --> 00:11:51,090
Stan Smith, you're an angel.

226
00:11:51,358 --> 00:11:52,743
That's my dad.

227
00:11:54,056 --> 00:11:55,463
I guess you could say

228
00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:58,663
this father realized
he didn't know best.

229
00:11:59,127 --> 00:12:02,603
Clearly this man,this good man,

230
00:12:02,736 --> 00:12:04,773
deserves a second chance.

231
00:12:05,097 --> 00:12:07,811
Well, in light of
that compelling evidence,

232
00:12:07,887 --> 00:12:09,951
I have no choice but
to grant Stan Smith...

233
00:12:10,145 --> 00:12:11,333
Excuse me, Your Honor?

234
00:12:11,417 --> 00:12:13,770
Could we just roll
the rest of that clip?

235
00:12:15,006 --> 00:12:18,070
Stan Smith...
you're an angel.

236
00:12:18,355 --> 00:12:19,671
That's my dad.

237
00:12:20,955 --> 00:12:24,011
- What?! What's wrong?!
- Oh, God, I had the worst nightmare!

238
00:12:24,088 --> 00:12:25,711
I took advice from Steve!

239
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,950
Why would I give my kidney
to a bum?

240
00:12:29,017 --> 00:12:30,403
Stay out of my dreams!

241
00:12:32,665 --> 00:12:35,772
I am really bad at what I do.

242
00:12:35,858 --> 00:12:37,403
I only became a lawyer

243
00:12:37,455 --> 00:12:39,140
so my dad would love me,
but he doesn't.

244
00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:41,441
And I think he takes it out
on my clients.

245
00:12:41,517 --> 00:12:43,903
But don't you dare
feel sorry for me.

246
00:12:44,718 --> 00:12:46,910
There's no way
I'm getting a second chance.

247
00:12:47,018 --> 00:12:49,343
How's my family
ever gonna get by without me?

248
00:12:49,385 --> 00:12:52,302
If it makes you feel any better
they're gonna be dead in 20 minutes.

249
00:12:52,675 --> 00:12:54,943
You left them
in the middle of a snowstorm.

250
00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:57,510
- They're about to freeze to death.
- But... they're in a car.

251
00:12:57,597 --> 00:12:59,221
They can just turn on the heater.

252
00:12:59,338 --> 00:13:01,183
Yeah. You took the keys.

253
00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:05,561
Don't you love this cold?
It reminds me of my planet!

254
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:07,631
<i>Jingles in the bells...</i>

255
00:13:07,707 --> 00:13:10,853
<i>Jing, jingle,jingle bell, bell
Jing, jingle, jingle.</i>

256
00:13:11,565 --> 00:13:13,531
Hey, how come everybody's dying?

257
00:13:14,266 --> 00:13:16,073
Oh, no! I'vegotta do something.

258
00:13:16,178 --> 00:13:18,472
Let me handle this.
You don't knowwhat you're doing.

259
00:13:18,508 --> 00:13:20,910
I know more than you!
What kind a lawyer are you?

260
00:13:20,978 --> 00:13:23,420
Sir, I am a lady lawyer.

261
00:13:24,077 --> 00:13:26,323
Your Honor,
my family's in terrible danger.

262
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:28,070
You have to give me
a second chance.

263
00:13:28,288 --> 00:13:30,260
Sorry, second chance denied!

264
00:13:30,706 --> 00:13:31,622
Yes!

265
00:13:31,707 --> 00:13:34,400
Gotcha, you arrogant,
prideful son of a bitch.

266
00:13:34,488 --> 00:13:37,341
Me! This guy! Scott LaRose!

267
00:13:37,445 --> 00:13:38,830
I'm the best!

268
00:13:40,537 --> 00:13:41,551
No! Wait.

269
00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:44,873
Your Honor, there's one more
piece of evidence you haven't looked at.

270
00:13:44,965 --> 00:13:46,602
Everybody on the ground, now!

271
00:13:47,958 --> 00:13:49,802
Earthly guns have no power here.

272
00:13:50,296 --> 00:13:53,040
I'm sorry,
I just wanna save my family.

273
00:13:53,167 --> 00:13:56,632
I'm begging you.
Everybody on the ground, now!

274
00:13:57,326 --> 00:13:58,872
He's got a Heaven gun!

275
00:13:58,915 --> 00:14:00,901
-Those can kill anybody!
- Why do we have those again?

276
00:14:01,026 --> 00:14:03,422
What are you doing?
There's no way out of this.

277
00:14:03,628 --> 00:14:06,172
Yes, there is.
I'm gonna get my second chance.

278
00:14:06,258 --> 00:14:08,382
- We're going over your head.
- We ?!

279
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:11,142
You're taking me to God.

280
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,933
Seriously, why do we have
Heaven guns?

281
00:14:12,968 --> 00:14:14,722
I don't mean to be "that guy"
I'm happy here

282
00:14:14,755 --> 00:14:16,121
but why is this not an issue?

283
00:14:19,785 --> 00:14:21,711
Outta my way!
Now where's God?

284
00:14:21,797 --> 00:14:23,702
And don't say"everywhere"
or I swear I'll...

285
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:24,640
I don't know!

286
00:14:24,685 --> 00:14:26,993
Probably in Heaven at
JC's birthday party.

287
00:14:27,057 --> 00:14:29,770
- Then that's wherewe're going.
- I can't get you in there.

288
00:14:29,878 --> 00:14:32,603
- I wasn't evenon the E-vite.
- This is our E-vite.

289
00:14:32,815 --> 00:14:34,990
I just clicked "Yes Plus One."

290
00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:40,871
We gotta figure out a way
to get on that griffin.

291
00:14:42,997 --> 00:14:45,131
- Who are they?
- The archangels!

292
00:14:45,235 --> 00:14:48,431
Heavenly enforcers that carry
flaming swords of vengeance.

293
00:14:48,565 --> 00:14:50,373
And pamphlets on
how to talk to your kids

294
00:14:50,435 --> 00:14:52,282
about how abstinence
can be cool.

295
00:14:52,347 --> 00:14:54,531
Damn it! There's gotta be
another way out of this place.

296
00:14:55,316 --> 00:14:56,461
Which one's yours?

297
00:14:56,716 --> 00:14:59,020
A chariot on my salary? Please.

298
00:14:59,118 --> 00:15:01,852
There's a tub of chili in my fridge
I stole from the office potluck.

299
00:15:01,896 --> 00:15:03,521
I've been eating it for a year.

300
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:05,451
- I don't live well.
- Come on!

301
00:15:05,628 --> 00:15:06,580
Drive!

302
00:15:12,905 --> 00:15:16,173
Wow, who would've thought
Heaven would be so beautiful?

303
00:15:16,226 --> 00:15:18,300
Yeah, it's great
if you have your wings.

304
00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:21,382
- Otherwise,you're a nobody.
- Hey, you're not a nobody.

305
00:15:21,438 --> 00:15:24,370
You're an expendable pawn
in my quest to save my family.

306
00:15:24,478 --> 00:15:25,662
You hold on to that.

307
00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:27,701
Look, I'm not gonnabe any help to you.

308
00:15:27,806 --> 00:15:30,060
I only met God once and
He thinks I'm an idiot.

309
00:15:30,145 --> 00:15:32,291
We were at this bar
and I was really drunk

310
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,140
and we got into this argument
about abortion

311
00:15:34,268 --> 00:15:36,040
- and I tried to kiss Him and...
- Quiet.

312
00:15:36,086 --> 00:15:37,463
We've got company.

313
00:15:38,426 --> 00:15:41,683
Heaven gun, it's time
for you to preach to the choir.

314
00:16:01,796 --> 00:16:04,513
Halo... and good-bye!

315
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:12,130
Not even a smile?
I said "Halo"instead of "Hello."

316
00:16:12,397 --> 00:16:14,180
Oh, screw you.That's funny.

317
00:16:16,388 --> 00:16:18,991
- I can't do this.
- Just act natural.

318
00:16:19,468 --> 00:16:22,171
Hey, Pete.Got a soul for ya.

319
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:25,422
A Mr... Johann Schtipler.

320
00:16:25,548 --> 00:16:27,040
Ja, Ja, Johann, Ja, Ja!

321
00:16:27,215 --> 00:16:28,890
Yeah, he doesn't speak English.

322
00:16:28,968 --> 00:16:29,802
Okay.

323
00:16:30,025 --> 00:16:31,190
Have a nice eternity.

324
00:16:33,975 --> 00:16:36,351
Thank you! I-I mean,I mean, uh...

325
00:16:36,466 --> 00:16:38,360
German for "thank you"!
Donkey something.

326
00:16:38,506 --> 00:16:39,420
Freeze!

327
00:16:39,735 --> 00:16:42,200
He's crazy! He made me do it!

328
00:16:42,887 --> 00:16:44,213
You're in a lot of trouble, buddy.

329
00:16:44,316 --> 00:16:46,883
Last guy who tried to sneakin here
was Jim Henson,

330
00:16:46,966 --> 00:16:48,752
and we all know
what happened to him.

331
00:16:49,915 --> 00:16:50,940
Why'd you do that?

332
00:16:51,096 --> 00:16:53,040
'Cause you gotta save your family,

333
00:16:53,376 --> 00:16:54,703
and if God's not gonna
give me my wings,

334
00:16:54,746 --> 00:16:56,240
I'm gonna at least
drink His booze.

335
00:16:56,285 --> 00:16:58,583
- Come on!
- So what happenedto Jim Henson?

336
00:16:58,665 --> 00:16:59,961
You don't want to know.

337
00:17:02,715 --> 00:17:04,590
Forgive us!

338
00:17:04,677 --> 00:17:07,530
You will bow down before me,
Son of God!

339
00:17:08,106 --> 00:17:09,781
That's God's house?

340
00:17:10,716 --> 00:17:12,421
Yeah, He inherited it.

341
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:14,522
There's too much security.
We'll never get in.

342
00:17:14,607 --> 00:17:15,772
What are you, chicken?

343
00:17:15,886 --> 00:17:17,820
Oh, no, that's right,
chickens have wings.

344
00:17:19,065 --> 00:17:21,441
I-I'm sorry, I...thought you knew.

345
00:17:25,455 --> 00:17:26,971
That's it! Come on.

346
00:17:28,565 --> 00:17:30,443
- We're with the band.
- Names?

347
00:17:30,548 --> 00:17:31,941
Donny and Marie Osmond.

348
00:17:32,028 --> 00:17:33,610
I didn't know you guys were dead.

349
00:17:33,718 --> 00:17:35,781
We're Mormons.
We were born dead.

350
00:17:37,248 --> 00:17:39,720
Good thing that bouncer knew
the truth about Mormons.

351
00:17:42,057 --> 00:17:43,911
I can't believe I'm really here.

352
00:17:44,017 --> 00:17:45,542
Oh, my God, I don't have a present.

353
00:17:48,736 --> 00:17:50,360
From Galileo...

354
00:17:51,066 --> 00:17:53,371
And... Michelle.

355
00:17:53,466 --> 00:17:56,371
- Okay, now,where's God?
- I don't know, but there's JC.

356
00:17:56,518 --> 00:17:58,102
I mean, I could be mad.

357
00:17:58,228 --> 00:17:59,971
I probably should be mad,

358
00:18:00,057 --> 00:18:02,223
but what can I say?
They knew notwhat they did.

359
00:18:02,307 --> 00:18:04,832
They... they just knew not.

360
00:18:06,138 --> 00:18:08,373
They know now,
I'll tell you that much.

361
00:18:09,016 --> 00:18:10,593
Hey, JC!
We're outta sushi!

362
00:18:10,738 --> 00:18:12,752
- Check again!
- Thank you!

363
00:18:13,365 --> 00:18:15,001
Okay, we gotta find God.

364
00:18:15,067 --> 00:18:17,230
You become a hopeless alcoholic
and hit rock bottom.

365
00:18:17,318 --> 00:18:18,480
I'll search rooms.

366
00:18:30,458 --> 00:18:33,670
What are you...? Come on!
Holy Spirit in here!  Occupado!

367
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:35,212
Oh! Sorry.

368
00:18:40,838 --> 00:18:42,532
Nice office.

369
00:18:49,297 --> 00:18:52,010
Ha! These things rule.
Why'd I ever send them to Mars?

370
00:18:52,368 --> 00:18:53,330
Hello, Stan.

371
00:18:53,587 --> 00:18:55,953
If you know who I am,
then you know why I'm here.

372
00:18:56,188 --> 00:18:57,191
I know everything.

373
00:18:57,376 --> 00:18:59,101
I guess that makes two of us, huh?

374
00:18:59,317 --> 00:19:00,082
Look, Sir--

375
00:19:01,828 --> 00:19:04,341
- You, uh,unplugged the sun.
- Oh, sorry!

376
00:19:06,287 --> 00:19:09,241
Look, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
I'm not gonna help you.

377
00:19:09,435 --> 00:19:12,710
What? Then just help my family.
You can't let them die.

378
00:19:12,936 --> 00:19:15,012
Look, everything happens
for a reason.

379
00:19:15,268 --> 00:19:16,822
What reason could there be?

380
00:19:17,065 --> 00:19:18,741
Stan, I'm gonna level with you.

381
00:19:18,848 --> 00:19:20,600
If your family isallowed to live,

382
00:19:20,645 --> 00:19:24,310
Stanford's tennis team
will go oh-and-eight in conference play.

383
00:19:24,387 --> 00:19:26,512
- What?!
- I'm just messing with you.

384
00:19:26,535 --> 00:19:28,221
The point is, mysterious ways,

385
00:19:28,247 --> 00:19:30,071
have a little faith,
I'm in the details...

386
00:19:30,115 --> 00:19:31,970
Now c'mon, you can be triceratops.

387
00:19:32,056 --> 00:19:34,222
- I know he's your favorite.
- We're out of time!

388
00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:36,681
Now send me back
so I can save my family!

389
00:19:36,736 --> 00:19:38,671
- Not gonna happen.
- You have to!

390
00:19:38,757 --> 00:19:40,633
Oh, okay, so you know
better than me?

391
00:19:40,707 --> 00:19:42,322
Is that it? You're all-knowing?

392
00:19:42,498 --> 00:19:44,072
No. Yes. I-

393
00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:48,103
- I don't know.
- Exactly! You don't know.

394
00:19:48,247 --> 00:19:51,161
You can't know.
So stop trying to control everything.

395
00:19:51,226 --> 00:19:52,340
I don't do that.

396
00:19:52,506 --> 00:19:55,462
Stan, you're holding a gun
to God's head.

397
00:19:55,557 --> 00:19:58,303
I mean, I can't even think of
a metaphor that's better than this.

398
00:19:58,536 --> 00:20:00,510
- But my family...!
- Stan,

399
00:20:00,888 --> 00:20:03,812
put the gun down
and let My will be done.

400
00:20:06,276 --> 00:20:07,790
I'm sorry.

401
00:20:07,885 --> 00:20:11,002
So shines a good deed
in a weary world.

402
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:13,951
- What?
- That's all I wanted.

403
00:20:14,026 --> 00:20:15,960
One small act of humility.

404
00:20:16,146 --> 00:20:18,740
- Okay, you can go back.
- Really?

405
00:20:18,868 --> 00:20:20,692
Eh. It's my kid's birthday.

406
00:20:20,758 --> 00:20:24,102
Thank you! Thank you!
Oh! I'll never ask for anything again.

407
00:20:24,185 --> 00:20:25,440
There's just one more thing.

408
00:20:30,636 --> 00:20:34,022
- Nice wings. Those real?
- Um, yes.

409
00:20:34,116 --> 00:20:35,810
Yes, they are.

410
00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:40,892
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

411
00:20:40,998 --> 00:20:42,101
But Stan...

412
00:20:42,317 --> 00:20:44,852
don't you ever pull
a gun on me again.

413
00:20:46,797 --> 00:20:47,750
What's wrong?

414
00:20:48,696 --> 00:20:51,141
I'm home. I'm home!

415
00:20:51,276 --> 00:20:52,783
Do you like the way we decorated?

416
00:20:54,206 --> 00:20:56,822
It's perfect.
Everything's perfect.

417
00:20:57,028 --> 00:20:57,981
You think so?

418
00:20:58,048 --> 00:20:59,963
I couldn't have done it
better myself.

419
00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:01,792
Merry Christmas!

420
00:21:05,895 --> 00:21:08,702
There's a flying hooker
watching you hug.

421
00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:10,361
Go away, hooker!

425
00:21:14,025 --> 00:21:18,001
www.forom.com

0
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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