American Dad ! The Most Adequate Christmas Ever
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Synchro: Lgy Transcript: Raceman
Is everything ready?
Your father should be home any minute.
I've modeled this year's star after real crowd-pleaser:
Polaris.
I initially considered Alpha Centauri,
but then I thought, who am I,
famed Serbian astronomer Dolchan Banovich?
Oh, honey, as long as it stays on top of the tree,
I could give a rat's ass.
I picked up all the Charlie Brown holiday specials,
from the very first one
to the one from the '80s where he meets the kid with AIDS.
Klaus you got the train to work!
Yeah, it's in my blood.
My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz.
No, no, he ran the kiddie train at the zoo.
You know, it's a big town, there's other stuff there.
Merry merry, everyone!
Wow, greate sweater, Roger.
Thanks, I totally sniped it from a guy on eBay.
I not only stole the sweater, I stole his holiday spirit.
And that made my holiday spirit grow stronger.
Because th-that's how it works, right? Like Highlander?
There can be only one?
I've, I've had like eight cups of eggnog.
And this makes 12.
That's your father. Places everybody.
Good job, guys. Everything's perfect.
Ho ho ho... No, no, no! What happened here?!
What do you mean? The halls are fully decked.
Dad, we've been working on this all day.
Seriously?
I'd give you an A for effort this isn't UC Santa cruise**.
- What did we do wrong? - Where do I start?
Well, for one thing, the stockings.
They're suppose to be hung with care,
The INXS guy hung himself with more care.
And the nativity scene.
The Three Wise men look like tranvestites.
the mannish kind, not the attractive Asian kind
you're always hoping your friends will hire for your birthday party.
Stan, you're ruining our Christmas.
No, I'm trying to save your Christmas.
Now, come on, let's go get a good tree.
There's nothing wrong with this tree.
It's 8:3 on Christmas Eve. No one has any trees left.
God does. We'll just go to the woods and get one.
Oh, my God, I can see my heart light.
- Here's a great tree. - Wrong. Bare spot.
- This one is nice. - Upsided.
How about this one?
Hayley, do you even know what a tree is? Keep looking.
I'm bored.
I'm gonna speed up this sweater and pretend I'm in a dance club.
G-G-Godrest ye merry gentlemen
I'm going to blow your mi-i-i, oh-oh-oh, ee-ee-ee, ah-ah-ah
Roger, Christmas is no time to be singing.
Stan, we've been wandering around for hours.
Klaus' bowl is starting to freeze.
It must be ten below out here.
Fine, if you all hate Christmas so much you can go wait in the car.
So what are you gonna do,
You'll catch your death out here.
Honey, just because snow is the same color as our refrigeritor,
doesn't mean you hos it works.
Well, at least I don't think I know everything about everything.
Come on, you guys. Hey, where's Steve?
- Steve! - Over here.
I was peeing on a tree and it froze mid-stream.
Hayley, go help your brother.
Great Christmas, Stan.
Eh-eh-eh Last night, a Santa saved my life...
Ok, Steve. One, two...
Thank you.
I don't know why Francine's mad at me for always being right.
I don't get mad at her for always being wrong.
Boobs are holding up nicely for a gal here, I'll say that.
The perfect tree.
I knew it.
And Francine said I'd died up here.
Wow, you woodland creatures take freeze tag very seriously.
M-M-Must sing to keep warm.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
Nobody knows as much as me...
That what it would sound like if I'd fallen much farther.
Perfect tree.
Perfect cut.
Perfect amount of blood filling lungs.
Wait, no it's too much.
What can I get you?
Peppermint, Sugar plumb, Boy's and berry Cascad ?
We have any flavour you can possibly imagine.
- Vanilla. - Ooh, we're out vanilla.
What's going on? Where am I?
We find people take the news better with ice cream.
- What news? - the news that're dead.
- Oh, my God! - Relax,have vanilla.
See, we initially tell people we don't have their flavour,
so when we tell them we really do, it makes them happy.
Ooh, boy. We're actually out of vanilla.
This has never happened before.
Still dead, though.
This is crazy. There's no way I'm dead.
I mean, if I'm dead, where's St. Peter? Where's the Pearly Gates?
Where all the ho's at?
You mean Heaven? That's up there.
That griffin's taking a load of saved souls up there right now.
- So that must be... - Yep, that's Reno.
Kidding. That's Hell. This is limbo.
I'll be dropping you off at that park bench up ahead.
In a couple weeks you'll get a letter telling you whether you'll begoing up...
or going down.
But that's not fair!
I shouldn't be dead! I know it! I want a second chance!
- What did you say? - I want a second chance.
The folks down atthe courthouse are not going to be happy
when they find out theyhave to work Christmas Eve.
Courthouse?
you don't just get a second chance.
You gotta prove you deserve it in a trial.
- Wait, a trial? - Not to worry.
You'll be assigned a lawyer
from the greatest pool of legal minds in the universe.
Ooh, I misspoke. Looks like you got Michelle.
Oh, could you not flap over here?
Oh, the papers I pretend to look at when I'm in court!
She's my lawyer?
Can I pick another lawyer? Where's Jewish heaven?
So, I've been reviewing your file
and I think we have a really good case here, Philip.
Stan. And where are your wings?
Everyone else up here has wings.
Look, I haven't earned them yet, okay?
But I'm really trying.
You know what time I got here this morning? 7:30.
Yeah. Anyway, you don't need wings to be a good lawyer.
Don't worry, babe, this won't take long.
I'm up against Michelle.
Yeah, I know. Anyway, I'll see you at home...
Ooh, I like it when you talk like that.
When I get home, the things I'm gonna do.
You're not gonna fly right for a week.
Good luck, pal. You're gonna need it.
He's gonna be just fine, Scott!
Don't worry, he's just trying to psyche us out.
He doesn't look so tough.
Actually, up here
you get smaller and cuter everytime you win a case.
Oh my God, I'm screwed! Look at him.
He's cuter than a puppy and a kitten
All rise.
- Oh, God, not him. - Why? What's wrong?
Counselor.
- Michelle. - Hi, Daddy.
That's good, right?
Um... Sure.
Okay, let's do this.
It's Christmas Eve and we all want to get to Jesus' birthday party.
- Those of us who were invited. - Shut up, Scott!
- Counselor, your opening statement. - Thank you, Your Honor.
Should Stan Smith get a second chance?
He certainly thinks he should.
He thinks he knows better than everybody.
But we will prove his death was a just and fitting end
to a life long pattern of arrogance and know-it-all...
...ness.
Does Stan Smith deserve a second chance?
Not a chance.
We disagree.
That's it? "We disagree"?
Well, I can't say"we agree." That's how I lost my first ten cases.
The court will now hear the evidence.
Bring in the Spectral Window to the Soul.
Exhibit A.
The baby will behere any day now. Just relax and stay off your feet.
No. We have a big trip planned.
Mr. Smith, I don'tthink you understand.
Okay, okay, I hear you.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Stan. - I'm sorry, too.
Sorry we went with such an idiot doctor.
We're taking that trip.
Oh, yeah, it's not ripe yet.
You know, I used to spend my summers working at theFarmer's Market.
Sold novelty license plates. You got another month, minimum.
I think my waterjust broke!
Nonsense. You're just having your period.
I'm putting in my ear plugs.
We're running with the zebras in the morning.
Hey. Francine, you make coffee?
In my defense, she hadn't made coffee.
There are hundreds of other examples
of Stan Smith's arrogance.
Thousands, even. Millions?
Perhaps. Billions?
Does anyone here believe there are billions of other examples?
I do.
Well, there you have it. The prosecution rests.
Counselor?
Time to give 'em the ol' razzle dazzle!
Your Honor, the prosecution could spend all day
showing instances of my client's moral short comings,
while I can provide only one example of his humility.
But this example is so over whelming
in its display of his generosity,
humanity and willingness to learn from the wisdom of others
that you will forget everything you think you know
about Stan Smith!
Let's watch!
Spare some change?
You don't have to give him change, but at least acknowledge him.
Okay.
- You're blocking the sidewalk, wino. - That's not whatI'm talking about.
He's a person. Doesn't the Bible say,
"Look upon the corn and the wheat, for even the chaff have their place"?
Wow. You're right, Steve. I'm humbled by you.
Sorry I called you a wino, Chaff.
- What brings youto this low place? - I'm too sick to work.
Say no more.
Kidney transplants are a dangerous procedure.
Are you sure you want to go through with this, Mr. Smith?
After all,he's just a bum.
That's what I used to think, until my son taught me different.
You ready, Chris?
Stan Smith, you're an angel.
That's my dad.
I guess you could say
this father realized he didn't know best.
Clearly this man,this good man,
deserves a second chance.
Well, in light of that compelling evidence,
I have no choice but to grant Stan Smith...
Excuse me, Your Honor?
Could we just roll the rest of that clip?
Stan Smith... you're an angel.
That's my dad.
- What?! What's wrong?! - Oh, God, I had the worst nightmare!
I took advice from Steve!
Why would I give my kidney to a bum?
Stay out of my dreams!
I am really bad at what I do.
I only became a lawyer
so my dad would love me, but he doesn't.
And I think he takes it out on my clients.
But don't you dare feel sorry for me.
There's no way I'm getting a second chance.
How's my family ever gonna get by without me?
If it makes you feel any better they're gonna be dead in 20 minutes.
You left them in the middle of a snowstorm.
- They're about to freeze to death. - But... they're in a car.
They can just turn on the heater.
Yeah. You took the keys.
Don't you love this cold? It reminds me of my planet!
Jingles in the bells...
Jing, jingle,jingle bell, bell Jing, jingle, jingle.
Hey, how come everybody's dying?
Oh, no! I'vegotta do something.
Let me handle this. You don't knowwhat you're doing.
I know more than you! What kind a lawyer are you?
Sir, I am a lady lawyer.
Your Honor, my family's in terrible danger.
You have to give me a second chance.
Sorry, second chance denied!
Yes!
Gotcha, you arrogant, prideful son of a bitch.
Me! This guy! Scott LaRose!
I'm the best!
No! Wait.
Your Honor, there's one more piece of evidence you haven't looked at.
Everybody on the ground, now!
Earthly guns have no power here.
I'm sorry, I just wanna save my family.
I'm begging you. Everybody on the ground, now!
He's got a Heaven gun!
-Those can kill anybody! - Why do we have those again?
What are you doing? There's no way out of this.
Yes, there is. I'm gonna get my second chance.
- We're going over your head. - We ?!
You're taking me to God.
Seriously, why do we have Heaven guns?
I don't mean to be "that guy" I'm happy here
but why is this not an issue?
Outta my way! Now where's God?
And don't say"everywhere" or I swear I'll...
I don't know!
Probably in Heaven at JC's birthday party.
- Then that's wherewe're going. - I can't get you in there.
- I wasn't evenon the E-vite. - This is our E-vite.
I just clicked "Yes Plus One."
We gotta figure out a way to get on that griffin.
- Who are they? - The archangels!
Heavenly enforcers that carry flaming swords of vengeance.
And pamphlets on how to talk to your kids
about how abstinence can be cool.
Damn it! There's gotta be another way out of this place.
Which one's yours?
A chariot on my salary? Please.
There's a tub of chili in my fridge I stole from the office potluck.
I've been eating it for a year.
- I don't live well. - Come on!
Drive!
Wow, who would've thought Heaven would be so beautiful?
Yeah, it's great if you have your wings.
- Otherwise,you're a nobody. - Hey, you're not a nobody.
You're an expendable pawn in my quest to save my family.
You hold on to that.
Look, I'm not gonnabe any help to you.
I only met God once and He thinks I'm an idiot.
We were at this bar and I was really drunk
and we got into this argument about abortion
- and I tried to kiss Him and... - Quiet.
We've got company.
Heaven gun, it's time for you to preach to the choir.
Halo... and good-bye!
Not even a smile? I said "Halo"instead of "Hello."
Oh, screw you.That's funny.
- I can't do this. - Just act natural.
Hey, Pete.Got a soul for ya.
A Mr... Johann Schtipler.
Ja, Ja, Johann, Ja, Ja!
Yeah, he doesn't speak English.
Okay.
Have a nice eternity.
Thank you! I-I mean,I mean, uh...
German for "thank you"! Donkey something.
Freeze!
He's crazy! He made me do it!
You're in a lot of trouble, buddy.
Last guy who tried to sneakin here was Jim Henson,
and we all know what happened to him.
Why'd you do that?
'Cause you gotta save your family,
and if God's not gonna give me my wings,
I'm gonna at least drink His booze.
- Come on! - So what happenedto Jim Henson?
You don't want to know.
Forgive us!
You will bow down before me, Son of God!
That's God's house?
Yeah, He inherited it.
There's too much security. We'll never get in.
What are you, chicken?
Oh, no, that's right, chickens have wings.
I-I'm sorry, I...thought you knew.
That's it! Come on.
- We're with the band. - Names?
Donny and Marie Osmond.
I didn't know you guys were dead.
We're Mormons. We were born dead.
Good thing that bouncer knew the truth about Mormons.
I can't believe I'm really here.
Oh, my God, I don't have a present.
From Galileo...
And... Michelle.
- Okay, now,where's God? - I don't know, but there's JC.
I mean, I could be mad.
I probably should be mad,
but what can I say? They knew notwhat they did.
They... they just knew not.
They know now, I'll tell you that much.
Hey, JC! We're outta sushi!
- Check again! - Thank you!
Okay, we gotta find God.
You become a hopeless alcoholic and hit rock bottom.
I'll search rooms.
What are you...? Come on! Holy Spirit in here! Occupado!
Oh! Sorry.
Nice office.
Ha! These things rule. Why'd I ever send them to Mars?
Hello, Stan.
If you know who I am, then you know why I'm here.
I know everything.
I guess that makes two of us, huh?
Look, Sir--
- You, uh,unplugged the sun. - Oh, sorry!
Look, I'm just gonna cut to the chase. I'm not gonna help you.
What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die.
Look, everything happens for a reason.
What reason could there be?
Stan, I'm gonna level with you.
If your family isallowed to live,
Stanford's tennis team will go oh-and-eight in conference play.
- What?! - I'm just messing with you.
The point is, mysterious ways,
have a little faith, I'm in the details...
Now c'mon, you can be triceratops.
- I know he's your favorite. - We're out of time!
Now send me back so I can save my family!
- Not gonna happen. - You have to!
Oh, okay, so you know better than me?
Is that it? You're all-knowing?
No. Yes. I-
- I don't know. - Exactly! You don't know.
You can't know. So stop trying to control everything.
I don't do that.
Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head.
I mean, I can't even think of a metaphor that's better than this.
- But my family...! - Stan,
put the gun down and let My will be done.
I'm sorry.
So shines a good deed in a weary world.
- What? - That's all I wanted.
One small act of humility.
- Okay, you can go back. - Really?
Eh. It's my kid's birthday.
Thank you! Thank you! Oh! I'll never ask for anything again.
There's just one more thing.
- Nice wings. Those real? - Um, yes.
Yes, they are.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
But Stan...
don't you ever pull a gun on me again.
What's wrong?
I'm home. I'm home!
Do you like the way we decorated?
It's perfect. Everything's perfect.
You think so?
I couldn't have done it better myself.
Merry Christmas!
There's a flying hooker watching you hug.
Go away, hooker!
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